#i wish there were complimentary chicken nuggets im hungry now

[pomegranategay]

So let's have a talk about self-diagnosis!

I just got formally diagnosed with autism today, but I've known I was autistic for years. I started doing research after I found out my sensory overload and meltdowns and shutdowns were not, in fact, the norm, and when I read about autism and the symptoms and signs it made so much sense.

And when I talked about it to my mom, and brought up my suspicions, she freaked out and told me I wasn't autistic. That was nearly five years ago.

Over the years, I did more and more research, read posts by autistic people about their experiences, watched videos. I became close friends with one of my mutuals, @pyrose-the-flame, who is autistic and has ADHD, and we talked about our experiences and through all of it I saw so much of my own life in these snippets of other people's lives. But I never really felt comfortable calling myself autistic because I wasn't diagnosed.

And I knew that the vast majority of the autistic community are accepting of self-diagnosis, because it can be really hard to get a diagnosis. It's harder if you're older, if you're not white, if you weren't assigned male at birth, if you don't have the financial ability to get diagnosed, if there's nowhere in your area that has professionals that can diagnose you. There's so many barriers to diagnosis. And I was accepting of everyone who self diagnosed, with the sole exception being me, which was frustrating. I felt like I couldn't speak to anyone about my experiences or suspicions, especially after the extreme reaction my mom had had. I felt like if I opened up about it again I would just be shot down. I had a notebook full of the DSM-V criteria for autism with notes and examples of how I experienced each of my symptoms. I fully expected to have to defend myself with sword in hand and prove to everyone that I was autistic, and that I wasn't lying or uneducated.

But then I started opening up to people in my life about it. My lovely boyfriend @crossedjuxtapose, my friends. They all basically just paused for a minute and went, "Yeah that makes sense." I was so flabbergasted, and so grateful to be taken at my word about it. Even the professional who diagnosed me didn't grill me, just asked questions, listened to my answers and examples, and at the end of the hour she told me that I had a very textbook case of autism spectrum disorder and to email her if I needed paperwork for accommodations.

I actually spoke to my friend and roommate about how I'd gotten diagnosed after my appointment had ended. And he told me how his mom, who teaches neurodivergent children for a living, after I had left their house, had turned to him and asked him if I was autistic. It was so comforting to hear that my experiences weren't invisible to other people, that other people could tell and wouldn't disbelieve me.

I texted my mom after my appointment today and she was very shocked. She questioned how knowledgeable the professional that diagnosed me was, what their credentials were. She asked me "So? What do we do for that???" She said that I must have "a very mild case," that I was "totally functional," despite the fact that I am literally dropping out of college because I cannot function in such an unstructured environment. It was discouraging. I know she didn't intend any harm, but it felt like she still didn't believe me, like I still wasn't being taken seriously about the way my mind works.

The point of all my disjointed rambling is, I am incredibly fortunate and privileged to have been able to be diagnosed. But my psychiatric nurse practitioner, as wonderful as she is, didn't speak my autism into existence. It was already there, for my whole life. And I should have been taken seriously about it from the moment I said I had suspicions. Self-diagnosis really needs to be destigmatized. Even if people who self-diagnose end up being wrong, they clearly experience some of the symptoms of autism and have common experiences there, and benefit greatly from the resources the autistic community provides. There is no harm in self-diagnosis, none at all.

So to all the people who might be reading this who are self-diagnosed and unsure of themselves, I love you, and I believe you. You don't have to explain anything. You don't owe an official diagnosis to anyone. There's no official paper or membership card, there's no complimentary chicken nuggets. Really the only reason to get a diagnosis is if you need school or workplace accommodations, or if you just want one and can do it. But please know that you don't need one. You are allowed to speak about your experiences and take up space in autistic communities. And anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit and can eat my sword. <3