#i wish i wasn't autistic

[jarognieva]

Stupid me was thinking I've found perfect job for me but "suprise" - sensory issues! 🙃

[carrieway]

they should make a me that can get socialization outside the internet

[hellyeahsickaf]

Having grown up with pretty severe undiagnosed ADHD one of my core memories will always be the teacher in 6th grade that would go out of his way to humiliate students that weren't reading enough. Idk how common this was but we had AR points. Essentially a system where if you read a book you could take a quiz on it and get points if you passed, with each book being worth a different amount of points. A very short book might be 3 points, a book the size of Harry Potter might be worth 40-70. You get it

I was actually good at literacy, I had the highest literacy score in that class. But audiobooks weren't really much of a thing yet and sitting down to read a book was virtually impossible, it's something I still struggle with and thought I was stupid for. I knew how to read and was great at it, even liked the material, but physically sitting down and reading a book was close to impossible. There were kids with hundreds of AR points and I had idk, probably less than 25.

And every few weeks this asshole would have all of us line up from most points to least. He'd go through, first hyping up the front of the line saying how impressed he was. He'd tell the next few they were doing well, to keep it up. Further down tell them to pick up the pace, but god help you if you were within the last 6 or so (some of them had the same issue as me, VERY likely also something undiagnosed)

He'd spend most of this time on those last few students. Berating these 11 year olds individually and intentionally humiliating them, telling them how there are 7 year olds who read more than us. He'd say we had no future, at least nothing better than minimum wage at McDonald's. That or we'd be on the streets. He was the type to bully neurodivergent kids every chance he got and boy that was damaging.

Wasn't the first or last teacher of mine to bully and shame kids and other teachers knew he did this so they'd send them to our classroom. He'd sometimes take an entire hour (I'd counted) out of our class time just humiliating this kid or few kids sent in for things like not doing their work or causing disruptions. He'd sometimes put their sloppy unfinished work or something on the projector and make fun of it. If the kid started crying he'd tell them to suck it up or call them names. And he was actually really well liked by the students, just the ones he wasn't an abusive motherfucker to

[eshithepetty]

So.

This is it, mobsters.... our final stand. When the poll starts on @autismswagsummit, go....... do your part.

[Short ID: a comic pertaining to the autism swag summit, featuring Mob and Tome. Mob reveals that he feels insecure about how seriously everyone's been taking this, and how he's not sure he likes all this attention on him for it, but Tome argues and encourages him, saying that his could help him get Tsubomi's attention, since she's autistic herself, and might appreciate Mob being more confident about that. In the end, Mob brightens up, and gets pumped to win the bracket, before it's revealed that Tsubomi actually hopes Papyrus wins. End short ID]

Extended ID under cut:

[ID: a comic pertaining to the autism swag summit, featuring Mob and Tome. It's done in pink and orange tones, except for the last panel, which is purple.

First page: Mob sits down at the table in the telepathy club room, sighing. Tome, who is playing a video game and eating fries, looks at him and asks: "? What's wrong, Mob?" Mob looks to the side, eyes downcast, and says: "It's nothing really... it's just- the autism contest thing. Everyone's taking it so seriously but- idk. It feels weird. Like Mezato-san's cult thing, kinda." Tome, meanwhile, slides him the fries, and he takes one, and continues, "I don't think I like all this attention on me. Not for this." and Tome looks at him, chin on hand, and asks: "But wasn't that like, one of your main goals? To be popular?"

Second page: at this, Mob startles, and in the next panel he shrinks in as he replies "um- yeah, but. To be honest, I only wanted that to-" and shrinks even further in the next, blushing, trailing off with "to..." Behind him, there is the tapping of footsteps as Tome, off screen, rounds the desk, and makes Mob jump with a loud SLAM, and yells "LISTEN, MOB!" Then, she is looking at him with a frown, gesturing with one hand, and continues: "You need to look at this from a different perspective. What if this is the contest that winning would aid you the most? After all, isn't Takane herself autistic?" Mob, eyes wide and blushing, loudly interrupts with "S-SHE IS??"

Third page: Mob asks, "How do you know??" Tome, her arms crossed, eyes closed and a smirk on her face, says "Look. I'm autistic. You're autistic. We're ALL autistic, I know my kin, alright?" Under her breath, (under the speech bubble) she also adds "Plus I kind of heard her say "Leave me alone, I'm autistic" once," before she interrupts herself, her arms spread wide and flapping, with "but that's beside the point!" She continues in the next panel, only one of her moving hands visible as Mob looks up at her, wide-eyed, "My point is, maybe this is your chance to show her what you're all about; that you know who you are; are secure in your identity, proud of it, even!"

Fourth page: Tome crosses her arms again, a confident smirk on her face as she looks down at Mob and asks, "So tell me. What are you gonna do?" Mob, hunched in, shyly responds, ".... I'm gonna win...?" Off screen, Tome replies: "Say it with more confidence!" And Mob does, back straightening and a blush creeping in: "I- I'm gonna win!" Tome yells "Louder!", and Mob stands up, leaning on the table, yelling in response "I'm gonna WIN!!" And Tome, a fist pumped in enthusiasm, yells back "YEAH!!"

Last panel: Tome's dialogue box is cut off, as we see Tsubomi, meanwhile, laying in her bed, sucking a lollipop and phone in hand, as she thinks: "I hope papyrus wins." End ID.]

[discordiansamba]

If your response to someone saying "I headcanon this character as being neurodivergent in a way that caused them significant struggles with school/their education" by saying "you can't make the neurodivergent character stupid, that's a negative stereotype" then I wish you a very merry fuck off forever.

[intermundia]

the thing that i don't understand about how most people's brains work is that, like, for me, making prolonged and repeated eye contact is an unbearably intense, invasive, and intimate experience. the sensation is like putting your hand on a hot stove lol idk like each time i make eye contact i'm immediately flooded with so much painfully detailed emotional information about the other person, i can't help but process it at the same time as i am trying to do something else. it takes conscious effort to not get overwhelmed with that much information, and during an interaction where you're supposed to be answering a question that takes recall and explanation, it's just super distracting and triggers so much anxiety. i get plenty of emotional information from reading people's body language and voice, i don't need direct access to their soul to have a conversation lmao. i know that's not at all how most people experience social interactions, and i just wonder what it's like to actually enjoy or seek out eye contact. how is it not distressing to people lmaoo i can't even imagine

[angelpuns]

the mental illness is feeling like I should quit my job because even though it's a part-time low stakes job it is also killing me :(

[yeehawbvby]

Met one of my partner's newest coworkers recently....... why did he SAY that

[thefrogdalorian]

Channeled my Not Currently Great mental state into a Din oneshot which I'll be posting shortly! It's a continuation of my Din x ND!Reader series and it was nice to return to that after a few months. It's very soft and hopefully it brings a little comfort to anyone who might need it rn :')

[omglaurashutup]

in my head, there is no human being who would have the patience and desire to be and date a person like me, autistic, depressed as hell, experiencing things for the first time at 26 years old, who lives more unemployed than employed. i'm doomed

[geddy-leesbian]

cryptic spoiler for what im writing rn

[nuancefem]

adulthood sucks vent ic

i want to do adulthood SO GOOD as a freelancer but i keep getting a faildyke grade in being a grown ass human being and my wallet has flies coming out of it and i lowkey feel like a failure and i barely get any paid projects and my fave client keeps ghosting me and i want to focus on my youtube stuff cuz i freaking love it but i also need to put food on the table and i have like the smallest battery of energy ever and can only do like, one big task a day or i perish. i need to write more Real Big Adult Thinkpieces and put them on my substack bc it's a more fancy platform than tumblr so it has more reach and i really would LOVE to write professionally but to do that i have to actually write and anytime i focus on writing i feel so guilty bc i feel like i'm indulging in a dumb hobby but i really wanna make it out thereeeeee i really wanna be a big Professional Writer tm and have it as my main job alongside occasional transcription, and hopefully youtube down the line if that works out, and maybe clay art if i eventually get decent at it. i'm so sad about it all bc i need so badly to focus on things that have a higher likelihood of making $$ than my radblr book & my sapphic bodyswap novel & my youtube but it's LITERALLY ALL I WANNA DOOOOOOOO what a stupid baka world!!!!!!! i fucking hate capitalism ughhhhhhhh i need to apply for a bajillion boring projects in the vague hope that perhaps if i'm extremely lucky one of them will hire me... when i wish i could just do my usual transcript work with my fave client whomst i love and then focus the rest of my time on what i ACTUALLY wanna do with my life... i wish i could actually put everything into my passions 1000%. but i have like $20cad left for the next 2 weeks which will be eaten up by stuff for my bunnies... i need to sell some clothes or smth on fb marketplace... i have almost $4700cad in credit card debt too :'D yippee!!!!! fml fml fml. and yet, i survive... despite it all... like a dumb lazy cockroach...

[timeloop-angel]

Ok now im thinking about masking

Cuz like. I think I've been masking for a long, long time to the point that it's hard to define solely as perfomece bc it's now part of my personality.

Being people pleaser and yadayada made me always try to act bubbly and shit. And now im bubbly and shit. Pretty silly if you will.

I think masking is so integrated into my bones. Subconsciously my reaction to being around other people is to kinda like. Act. And im aware that everything is kinda a performance anyways and even a mask is you in a way or another. But still.

I feel very envious of people or characters that are kinda like. Expressionless or deadpan. Cuz i think that's my most comfortable state. But i cant never truly be in that state, because even when im alone im still obsessed with smiling or doing some sort of reaction or some expression, i do it almost unconsciously but its so weird because i feel so disconnected to it. When im alone and acting without an audience i feel i *am* the audience but also the actor at the same time.

And when im around other people, and for a minute i forget to mask, to perform, to act and im just there..in my all not so bubbly glory, even joking in a deadpan and i get so comfortable and relaxed and i can brrathe and just be but then i sense the people around me thinking that oh im angry or sad or tired or Weird so suddenly and then i think "oh right i have to smile ooops" then i go back to masking.

But then again im hyperactive, i have emotional disregulation and i have a history of dissociation so maybe im reading too much in the masking thing. I adore talking and small talks and getting to know people and maintaining a good, balanced conversation and from what i learned acting friendly, extroverted and bubbly is the best way to make other people comfortable and happy to archive that.

Ik i sound like im being false and rational and no its not that. My bubbliness is part of me and as much as performance (really. I do like joking around and laughing), its also not bc its jntergreted into my personality and maybe this post is kinda meaningless

But idk. I remember reading stuff about desmasking therapy and maybe should i look into that?

[phantomoftheshadowsidk]

BBC Ghosts 🤝 A Kind of Spark

I love both shows sooooo much and they both have such great diversity but especially really great autistic rep! They are just so meshable and I feel like the characters of both would like one another. Thank you @parttimesarah and @kitty-lulu-cat-princess for opening my eyes

[a-chilleus]

painfully aware of all the wasted time in cambridge and how what i might have wanted to do is just not ever gonna happen. idk if i'd have liked punting but i never went and now the friends who i'd have gone with are all too busy in exams and about to graduate. maybe i should have gone to the formals and just suffered through the sensory overload so that i could have taken photos with my friends at the end of the night and convinced myself afterwards i had fun. i've been to a couple of museums here, but only with my parents. i spent hours and hours in this stupid place hiding in toilets, self-destructing, not going to things because i was too scared, when i could - should - have been exploring the prettiest parts of cambridge with my friends. friends who were too fucking busy all the fucking time. friends whose social calendars were always already full of "drinks with [ensemble i'm not in] after the concert" or "dnd with [a group they formed before i met that friend]" - no one's excluding me on purpose, but what are you meant to do when you have friends you love but you missed out on all the things you wish you could have done with them and now it's too late? no one has time to do anything. i feel so so alone and i have for so long and it never seems to get any better

[washington-lilacs]

I would probably post more of my thoughts and criticisms of all the media I like if I haven't been constantly infantilized throughout my life and so I feel like everything I think or say is dumb and something literally everyone else has thought of except me or I'm completely missing the point of something