#i wish i had time to draw my personal projects rn :( i need to finish laney's redesign

[dreamcast-official]

oughghghgh my ocs.... MY OCS...........

[nyrator]

another long vent post about depression/anxiety

extremely depressed tonight

first made the mistake of driving myself to the grocery store at 6pm, first I had to try scraping the ice off the windshield with nothing but a broom and bare hands, then driving itself was nightmareish, the car feels like a death trap to me, very loose and sloppy compared to my last car, so loud and uncomfortable with no audible music to calm my nerves. My eyes have worsened to the point where I can’t see anything at night- glare takes up my whole vision, even with anti-glare shades. I was driving well below the speed limit the entire time and still almost hit three pedestrians who were all recklessly out on the roads in all black for whatever reason. My nerves are completely shot from it, my chest feels like I’m in a vice and can’t breathe, my eyes are wide open and hunched over the steering wheel, and my body feels both like I’m about to wet myself at any moment and that I’m too stiff/tense/frozen to function as a human at all, it’s that fight-or-flight response at its extreme. Meanwhile, my skin must be weak- my knuckles bleed when driving, and my wrists bled just from carrying in bags of groceries.

then getting home and just dealing with personal drama of someone I know who is so depressed and self destructive and too smart to reason with, who refuses/is unable to seek professional help, who just doesn’t understand or just can’t help venting to me nonstop, no matter how much I beg them not to over and over- their life is so terrible that suicide seems like the only option to them, and I don’t want them to do so, but I can’t keep suffering like this either and I feel like the only thing preventing them from doing so, as poor a job as I do as a human being anyway. But I can’t help them if they can’t help themselves, even if they were just ate a bit better, or just had a journal or someone anonymous they could talk to, but it seems inescapable and impossible to change anything and all we do is argue over it until I snap at them to leave me alone. That person is probably reading this right now and probably hating it, but I doubt anyone on this site even knows who they are.

Tuesday morning, I couldn’t sleep at all from anxiety- it was so severe and inescapable, I laid in bed for four hours feeling like I was dying until I was finally able to sleep for two hours. I can’t seem to stay asleep longer than two hours anymore. Was supposed to hang out with friends that day, but between lack of sleep, depression, and my absolute terror at driving in a snowstorm, I ended up just staying home.

Anxiety has gotten so bad again. I know a lot of how the mechanics work behind it, I know a lot of pains are from tension and lack of breathing. But my old coping mechanisms don’t work anymore. I can focus on breathing for several minutes straight and then fall right back into suffocating. Music, counting things, meditating, none of it helps anymore.

One way to describe the feeling of anxiety- it’s kind of like when you fall asleep on your arm, and you feel all the blood rushing back into it and that tingling sensation. Imagine that, maybe a bit less, but throughout your entire body (especially chest), your body is stiff and not numb, and your entire body is vibrating or shivering/shaking or something.

I still spend 16+ hours laying in bed every single day. When I got home from shopping, the walking around (and the stress of driving) was enough to send me straight to bed, I was so tired and weak. It’s probably why I don’t sleep properly, I’m half awake in bed all the time, what need is there for sleep

I have mail I haven’t opened, taxes I still have to do, messes to clean, and don’t care for any of it. Can’t even talk about some things I’ve been doing to myself out of spite or general depression, the way I’ve been abusing. I promise to try not to do anything too crazy or directly harmful, but even then I worry about slipping up- I tried one thing I shouldn’t talk about, which wasn’t too serious, but still seriously concerning how easy it was to try doing

still haven’t contacted a therapist, my fear of calling someone is so strong I can’t overcome it, especially not after just waking up. Talked to some friends, some agree that I should, at least one thinks it’s a waste of time and money- up to $125 per session to just get a glorified phone call thanks to covid restrictions. I just don’t see the point if I’m still stuck in my apartment at my computer, especially if I have an internet addiction already.

The lack of doing anything is driving me insane, I think. I’ve played four single player games in 2020- ACNH, KH MoM, Panel de Pon, and Picross. In terms of things watched on my own, probably just Japan Sinks and whatever else was on Netflix the few months I had it. Don’t feel motivated to play or watch anything anymore, nothing seems interesting, and mostly just do things with friends if at all

Even ACNH, the game I play the most, I barely do anything in it- mostly just get new items from stores, that’s it. My island decorating has come to a hard halt, mostly because I barely have any furniture I’d like to embellish it with, and mainly because I have no ideas to layout most of it

I want to create, but don’t have the energy to make anything at all. Rotten Nyan is still my current goal, but anxiety has made it next to impossible to work on. I’ve tried several times the past few weeks, all met with failure- the anxiety’s too much, half the time I don’t even know what’s causing it, but my body just gets too tense and cramped without even doing anything, and I just can’t breathe at all while working on it.

Thought about making an omake comic for it, then realized what a terrible idea it was, and how hard it is to draw comics in general. Or anything in general. Wrote down the entire comic while laying in bed one day, went to draw it, was unable to, tried making it a yonkoma, gave up, and felt sick thinking of all the gross things in it that I just made a vent description of Middle Lave and just posted that to the RN tumblr instead.

I can’t think of any ideas, I feel like my art has regressed- I’ve taken more shortcuts for the sake of my hands tensing so fast from anxiety, and I’ve gotten decent at drawing middle Lave I feel, but anything besides a character standing is impossible for me- any environments or character interactions that I’d love to do just feel impossible, let alone my inability to write good ones. Anything I try to think of writing-wise always ends up the same gross content that burned into my memories that I just can’t feel comfortable talking about much at all, nor do I think it’s content people want to see at all.

There’s a lot of detailed kind of art I’d like to do. I kind of want to loosen my restrictions on myself and just draw whatever suffering I feel like, maybe once I use the RN twitter more I might get a little more courage to do so. I see many artists draw detailed scenes in single images, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t capture that feeling.

Part of me feels torn about it being an autobiography for people to relate to, and being a suffering experience for people to find some weird enjoyment out of. I feel like I’ve lost sight of what it was originally meant to be and now just enjoy “bullying” Middle Lave half the time I guess, but unfortunately for me, bullying makes me feel like vomiting and is hard to draw consistently- maybe I’m too nice. I don’t know, I’m just rambling at this point. The comic is still laid out and just meant to explore the life of Lave, but it’s just so hard to work on.

In terms of other things, I have no idea what to do

Vtuber/streaming? Hate my voice, can’t focus on learning what I need for it in terms of rigging and texturing models. I only know the basics of making 3D things and nothing else.

Console art? I already designed all the ones I’m mainly interested in, but like I mentioned before, can’t think of any character interactions at all that I feel like drawing.

Making a game? I know 2k3 well enough to make anything in it event-wise, though never got over my map failings, and I can’t commit to anything long-term. Godot or another program, or programming in general? Good luck.

I just want to make something, work on a project without losing steam or letting anxiety prevent me from learning. Can’t focus on anything long enough to learn it- Japanese, making a game, programming, a new hobby, anything. I just don’t have the drive to do anything and will give up anything I even try to start, so what’s the point in even trying anything. I have books I haven’t read that I’ve been meaning to read for years, and still don’t have an ounce of energy to want to even organize them on their shelf, let alone open it

At the very least, I got my first big commission (second one ever), designing an OC for someone, and it’s going well, though tonight I’ve lost steam to finish it, and I hope I can get it back tomorrow to try to finalize it.

I’ve mentioned it before, but I really wish I just had someone guide me with art- I miss doing those 30 day challenge kind of things, or “send a number/emoji” kind of asks for OCs, but tumblr’s so inactive that I don’t see them on my dash anymore, and don’t know how to even look for them, especially not on sites like twitter these days. Though, the problem is, no one knows exactly what I like, and I feel awful letting people down if they ask for something I don’t want to draw

I can’t focus on exercise long term, and I’m so out of practice that exhaustion is too strong to beat. I’ve been trying to walk up and down on a step stool for exercise to get me back into basic movement, but even that’s too tiring. Want to do it while watching something, then I realize, I don’t watch anything at all, not even youtube, just an occasional artist stream that I mainly chat with rather than watch

I feel like I’m going to collapse if I turn or move too suddenly, and my eyes are absolutely terrible- glasses are okay, but without them I’m completely blind now- not just blind, but it’s like my eyes see at two different angles sometimes, like one is slanted or something, very disorientating.

It’s 7:30AM, and no desire to sleep at all. Terrified of laying in bed and letting anxiety take over me again. Part of me wants to become completely nocturnal and just avoid everyone during the day and just respond to messages in the AM hours, just wake up at midnight each day and avoid dealing with people. Go to sleep when everyone starts to get active and just isolate myself entirely from society.

I feel like I exist with no purpose whatsoever, and it’s driving me insane- not that life is meant to have a purpose, but I could at least be doing something more than laying in bed all day every day for a year

[atomicfilm]

The types as people I know

ENTP: dnd enthusiast, trying to sell the world on his beliefs, owns like 69 :0 rubix cubes so people will know he’s smart, probably wears a cloak when he’s home alone, loves volunteering at bingo w/ elderly people, always trying to compete w/ me to finish our work first/best and usually looses because he overlooks something, 98% of people are annoyed by his presence, likes to start fights/debates, actually super sweet and big on respect but misunderstood

INTP: we all adopt really random catchphrases (mine is “that’s hot” and my friend’s is “j’accuse”), we have very specific interests (”your thing is learning about concentration camps in the Czech Republic? Mine is 18th-century poems about cats in fishbowls”), devoted to comedy, going to vote but doesn’t openly support anyone because the candidate will mess up, caught between dreaming and reality, doesn’t really understand other people’s perceptions of them, built to withstand anything (and I mean anything, more on that later), managing my bookmarks is my routine chore

ENFP: stereotypical gemini through and through, I love her but I can’t stand to be close friends with her, has a bunch of plans to marry people and move in with friends later in life, friends w/ everyone she has ever met (if you say you don’t like her then you’re on her hit list), very nice but definitely scheming, attention split between 8,917 things rn, falls in love easily and obsessively, so so creative, great singer, wants to go into advertising but will probably become a pediatrician, loves babies and taking care of things

INFP: lots of feels, really into the arts, nervous about talking, people pleaser, writes poems in their spare time, would adopt 500 puppies if it made financial sense and wouldn’t stress them out, stressed out anyway, sees the red flags but ignores them, either your literal mom or the mom friend

ISFP: aesthetics-oriented, their room is really clean except for one area with whatever they collect (shoes, tchotchkes from Asia, snowglobes, ect.), usually overshadowed in the art department but turn out to be the best artist in the room, speak French and/or want to move to Paris (except it’s dirty, wah), they typically measure in oofs (”big oof”, “little oof”, “8 oz. of oof”)

ESFP: a new boyfriend every two weeks, eyebrow game strong, funniest person in the room (or at least that’s what they think), extremely sassy, watches videos of tobacco spitting contests in the Midwest for fun, 9/10 times (this is a fake statistic) they’re a theatre kid, forget who you are if they haven’t seen you in a year (even if you were close friends prior), drives fast (and poorly), hot (and knows it), very confident, their default state is shirtless, dramatic 

ISTP:  everything is an adventure, their ideal romance movie is Baby Driver, wants to learn how to hot-wire a car, doesn’t realize they look punk but they do, should be employed as a makeup artist, probably pretty kinky (or at least act like it), either a fake f-boy or a very, very real one 

ESTP: wants to be an architect or CEO, mostly wants to be paid to do nothing, most-often found asleep during class or telling a story in a crowd at a party, drives drunk a lot, already dating someone but tries to get with you anyway, straight male w/ dangly earrings (queer vibes), very hilarious and everyone knows who they are, their closest friends are introverts who they force to share the spotlight w/ them, either don’t show up or show up late, fun to be around, class valedictorian but everyone thinks it’s someone else

ESFJ: once had a nightmare where all of their friends got drunk and they had to take care of them, brings you cupcakes on your birthday, all of their friends are social degenerates and they don’t know what to do, watches children’s movies their entire life, has more stuffed animals than friends, everyone knows who they are 

ISFJ: their catchphrase is “I need healing” (warning: they will steal your catchphrase), carries a singular band-aid at all times, makes lots of jokes about Communism, makes racist jokes against themself, their extended family lives with them, uncomfortable about breaking rules, always wants to pay for things, everyone’s boyfriend but only dating 1 person/no one, big on the American Dream, literally Captain America, appears to be a virgin at first, makes lots of sex jokes once you get to know them, n e r d, good at everything /  you thought perfect people didn’t exist? you were wrong

ISTJ: ESTP’s best friend, the obviously intellectual one, does everything with amazing skill, supports their friends tirelessly, great at math, understand systems really well, the designated driver, try to follow the rules as best as they can, laughs a lot at other people’s engineering mistakes, quiet and unnoticed most of the time, surprisingly funny

ESTJ: give you advice even when you don’t ask for it, seem like they’re judging every decision you have ever made, won’t speak to you if you lie to them, the stereotypical club president, takes initiative, likes to mention that mission trip they went on very frequently, shops at Dillards (always hunting for good deals), has a very traditional sense of fashion until you see their crocodile cowboy boots, they have a very idealistic sense of society and if you don’t meet their standards they’ll yell very loudly, remembers everything, constantly fact-checking, actually should be president 

ENTJ: control freak, but only because they don’t trust you enough to make the right decision, ready to race you at all times, could probably run a mile in 6 minutes without breaking a sweat, confident, prefer strategy games like Settlers of Catan, if they were a society they would be Ancient Rome, want to motivate you to succeed, see themselves as the best but want everyone to match them, running out of patience, seems insensitive and ready to cut you off but probably has a warm, beating heart (idk I haven’t dissected them, personally)

INTJ: I don’t think they really exist, supposedly everyone on Tumblr is one but they only make up approximately .8% of the population, if I met one I would probably think they’re a weirdly assertive/controlling INTP, I think people mistype as one because their ideal sense of self is being an effective problem-solver who challenges tradition from the comfort of their home and purposefully does things (i.e. learning a new language for business) but are they really

Idk 

I can’t tell if they have a high sense of self or are trying to demonize themselves

INTJs are textbook villains in the movie world but also probably a lot of detectives or something

ENFJ: don’t know any of them/anyone I think could be one personally but I wish I did / I feel like if I met one I would want to be as good of a person as them all the time

INFJ: not very reality-oriented yet in love with science, wants to be a writer, curious, wants to figure everything out but primarily wants to love everyone, passionate about a few specific projects that they talk a lot about (social issues), always reblogs positivity posts, once gave a ted talk about mental health, he’s the debate captain yet cries every time he loses a debate (because he has a lot of self-doubt), prefers to nap than to talk sometimes, eventually realizes they wants to adopt all of the people younger than him and protect them from the world, easy to love, they may reflect your personality, may also have very particular body movements (the one I know does a lot of fan kicks), actually make NTs feel (like a lot, like a lot a lot, like real crying), eventually dates their best friend and marries them, doesn’t draw but collects art

[pennywise-chenle]

50 Questions Tag

Letsgetit✊🏼

1. What takes up too much of your time?

P: Watching kpop mvs, listening to kpop, watching kpop broadcasts, watching kpop interviews, watching kpop- yeah you get it

K: anything that isn’t productive tbh

2. What makes your day better?

P: If I get to eat dark chocolate🤤

K: nct 🤩 they’re such crackheads I love them (also when my friends hype me up)

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

P: Pressed shuffle on my phone, the first song that came up was CLC’s No (it’s really good, highly recommend)

K: I ate two eggs

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

P: Marvel or DC universe? But maybe just visit for like a week I don’t think I could handle a new super villain popping up every week

K: the Harry Potter verse,, wielding magic sounds pretty cool

5. Do you give good advice?

P: I think I do sometimes, but rarely do I ever actually listen to it

K: only when I’m knowledgeable about the topic/have experienced it before. Other than that no lol

6. Do you have a mental illness?

P: not one I am consciously aware of...

K: nope

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

P: No, never

K: not that I remember.. I do however have a weird recollection of dreaming about bert and ernie from Sesame Street shuffling around my room when I was like 4 (lmao I just laid there in bed and watched them in the semi-darkness it was freaky)

8. What musician inspired you the most?

P: Oh god uh Sunmi because she is an artist in every sense of the word and Ateez’s Hongjoong because of his work ethic and dedication

K: this is going to sound weird but Johnny from nct. his confidence and perspective on life is something that I look up to and respect (also I feel like he’s pretty hardworking cause dam 9 years as a trainee)

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

P: with myself, love yourself babies you deserve it🥰😤✊🏼🌸

K: Me and wonhos man tiddies are in a very committed relationship rn

10. What’s your dream date?

P: Oh you know nice walk on a beach, watching movies cuddled up on a couch~

K: we’re def hitting the arcade, eating out at a nice restaurant, and if they’re also into art we could draw/paint together 🤩

11. What do others notice about you?

P: My hair and the way I look, I’ve been told (even by my own mother) that I look intimidating which I DONT GET

K: poeple comment on my deadpan humor 💪

12. What’s an annoying habit you have?

P: Procrastinating and then having to go to sleep later than I need to

K: turning off my alarm in the morning and oversleeping

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

P: Yeah- every morning in the mirror, late at night when the procrastination has become too much, etc

K: I’ve stopped playing otome games

14. How many exes do you have?

P: one

K: none 😎

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

P: I have one playlist and it currently has 416 songs in it

K: 716 (I also have only one playlist)

16. What instruments can you play?

P: I’m pretty good at playing the recorder

K: I used to play the flute and piano

17. What do you have the most picture of?

P: kpop memes :)

K: memes 😔

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

P: Greece, Australia, SoUtH KoReA

K: Japan, Maldives, Europe

19. What’s your Zodiac?

P: I’m living that Sagittarius life

K: Libra

20. Do you relate to it?

P: yes? But I’m also a cusp so I’ve been told that I have Scorpio qualities🦂

K: yeah but I’m not “social” I’m like the opposite of that

21. What is happiness to you?

P: We going✈️ deep hours -being content with where you are in the moment and being able to smile for any reason

K: unabashedly being yourself while doing things that you love

22. Are you going through anything right now?

P: I’m going through something new everyday, but recently it’s been questioning my future

K: aren’t we all tho,, that’s the essence of life

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made?

P: I can’t say it’s the worst but the most glaringly bad decision I’ve made is not taking history earlier cause now I have to take it during the summer🙃

K: not being assertive enough

24. What is your favorite store?

P: probably ulta💄

K: Hollister lol

25. What is your opinion of abortion?

P: Well that escalated quickly- to each their own, if that’s the choice you take you should be able to make it

K: if u can’t properly support the baby why subject it to that type of life?

26. Do you have a bucket list?

P: Travel the world I guess

K: id like to hone my artistic skills

27. Do you have a favorite album?

P: Hell yeah, Ateez’s Treasure: All to Zero and Zero to One album (Say My Name, Treasure, and HALA HALA are BOPS)

K: EXO’s EX’ACT album

28. What do you want for your birthday?

P: To be acknowledged😪, no but my birthday often falls on Thanksgiving so it’s like me vs. turkey day

K: a macbook

29. What are most people’s first impressions of you?

P: I kinda already talked about this but intimidating

K: extremely quiet 🦶 it’s the biggest thing about me that I wish I could change

30: What age do you seem according to people?

P: I don’t actually know, but I will always be 5 in my own eyes

K: yo I actually have no idea

31. Where do you keep your phone while you are sleeping?

P: Next to me charging which is probably dAnGeRoUs

K: across the room so I can attempt to get my ass out of bed when my phone alarm goes off (spoiler alert: it doesn’t work)

32. What word do you say the most?

P: My daily vernacular is just littered with “yeehaw” and “oh my god” and “hahah”

K: “dude” and “like”

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

P: Probably 3 years older than me

K: depends but nothing extreme

34: Whats the youngest age you would date?

P: Anyone more than 1-2 years younger than me is a no-go

K: same answer as the last question

35: What job/career do most people say would suit you?

P: A psychologist

K: art-related career

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

P: kpop and alternative

K: R&B, hip hop, lofi, kpop

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

P: I don’t actually know, I would need to do a comprehensive search of all my options

K: ^^^

38. What is your current favorite songs?

P: Say My Name by Ateez, Noir by Sunmi, Thrilla Killa by VAV, Victory Song by Stray Kids, Beautiful by Monsta X, and Yestoday by NCT U

K: Don’t Hang Up by Suran, Light by ATEEZ, Trauma by EXO, Home by BTS, V by Jay Park

39. How long have you had this blog for?

P: Since late November I think?

K: ^^^

40. What are you excited for?

P: I got tix to see Monsta X!!🤠

K: school ends soon 🤠 can’t wait for summer letsgetit

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

P: Neither, I’m just a mess all around

K: listener, but if I’m comfortable enough around the other person I become a lot more talkative

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

P: I ate breakfast

K: I petted my dog

43. What do you want for Christmas?

P: That’s too far in the future man, idk

K: a macbook

44. What class do you have the best grades in?

P: French and Anatomy

K: art (does that count?) and Physics

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

P: Like a 7, it’d be a 9 but I have some projects that I need to finish :(

K: 6 cause I have so much work that I need to finish

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

P: Getting swol💪🏼😤

K: managing an empire of meme accounts

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

P: We going ✈️sad hours- when someone very close to me passed away

K: I actually don’t know if I’ve ever had a proper heartbreak

48: What age do you want to get married?

P: I don’t plan on getting married I’m gonna live forever

K: it depends honestly

49. What career did you want as a child?

P: You know the usual- actress, singer

K: a doctor/ smth health-sci related

50. What do you crave right now?

P: A full 8 hours of sleep

K: more free time to watch my kpop boys

P: Wow that was a lot of self reflection

Thank you for tagging us @jenoration !

Sorry if you’ve already been tagged, but we tag-

@lushnct @ed3en @softforseo @renminculture @crackteez @jaeminjubescrack

[maousami]

73 Questions Challenge Inspired by Vogue

So I just finished reading Vogue’s 73 Questions with Kim K and my delusional ass wants to do this shit too.

I got this from   Nataliia Totka ’s blog and said sure why tf not lols

here we go

1. What are you most excited about these days?

I guess spending time together with my favorite human in the world 

2. What’s your favorite holiday?

CHRISTMAS <3

3. Favorite season?

The Philippines doesn’t really have that many seasons (rainy and summer only lols) so maybe the Rainy Season?

4. Where does one go on a perfect road trip?

ANYWHERE WITH A BEACH <3 I fucking love beaches

5. What is the best activity when home on a rainy day?

Sleeping or Cuddling <3 sharing a movie with my S.O. <3

6. If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

maybe my teacher Sir Steve. finally get him the girl he’s been crushing on since he was still studying architecture.

 7. What is the best thing that happened this year?

THIS FUCKING GUY 

8. What’s your New Year’s resolution?

Finish my thesis. lols <3 I am fucking done ahahhaha

9. What’s your favorite exercise?

ANYTHING LEG DAY RELATED <3

10. Best way to decompress?

Painting and just spending the day with my big doofus of a boyfriend.

11. What’s your favorite country to visit?

KOREA. 10/10. might change when I finally get to visit Japan though!

12. Last country you visited?

Korea hahahaha

13. Country you wish to visit?

JAPAN OFC. Also Israel ^^

14. What’s your favorite ice-cream?

DOUBLE DUTCH.

15. What makes you smile the most?

Being praised for something I don’t notice in myself

16. What’s the coolest thing in the world?

hmm... Vivid cosmic dreams.

 17. What is the cutest thing in the world?

FOXES def foxes.

18. How do you know if you’re in love?

I guess it differs by person to person. Me personally, I know when I constantly have this need to spoil that person and help them in anyway I can through heart to heart talks or maybe a school project. I don’t usually go out of my way for happy crushes but you know shit’s serious when I’ve tried to replace them with another one, only to fail and drag my ass back to them. I am such a hoe hahahha

19. If you could go to any concert past or present, what would it be?

I have been dreaming of attending a Hatsune Miku concert ever since I was a first year in highschool. I need to go to one before I die.

20. What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

I’m not the kind of person who’s the type to recieve. I’m more of a gift-giver so maybe the gift of people I guess?

21. Favorite fashion trend of all time?

The lazy Japanese unisex type. or maybe the tumblr girl who wears yellow dresses trend?

22. What’s your favorite movie of all time?

This is fucking hard. Clueless

23. What was the movie that made you cry?

OMFG CHEESY THING TO SAY BUT HACHIKO MY GOD

24. If you could make a documentary, what would it be about?

The mysterious life of Mao Usami

25. If you could have one superpower what would it be?

Being able to manipulate people under my will

26. What is the skill still unmastered?

Architectural manual drawing

27. What is the best thing that happened to you today?

Being able to wake up to this

28. Do you like surprises?

Yes uwu it makes me feel special hehe

29. If you could do a flash mob where would it be?

At SM department store hahahahhah might be funny

30. Do you like cupcakes?

sometimes ^^ muffins tho? mmmmm

31. Do you usually bake cupcakes?

I used to bake ALOT back in highschool. I was the kween of baked goods.

32. What’s your favorite desert?

Any Icecream cake. <3 would kill for a slice rn

33. Is there a desert you don’t like?

Anything with Peanut butter and Caramel. ew

34. What’s your favorite bakery?

Sofia’s atm

35. What’s your favorite food?

Anything pasta and OFC CHORIZO AAAAA <3

36. It’s brunch, what do you eat?

Pancakes, maybe a banana or maybe Tapa with warm white rice. mmmmm~

37. You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

CHOfuckingRIZO cant stress this enough

38. Favorite color?

YELLOW and baby pink<3

39. Favorite superhero?

not really a superhero but, Deadpool hahahhaha

40. What do you usually order in Starbucks? (or in your favorite café)

A Venti Iced Mocha without the whipped cream. also an Expresso Frappuchino is nice on a fucking hot day too. Iced Hazelnut Vanilla from Little Farmers is my go-to everyday coffee shot

41. Who is the last person you texted?

42. What’s your favorite activity to do in your hometown?

Having a great run around the neighborhood. Funruns are fun

43. What’s the next book you plan on reading?

I don’t have a new book in mind. maybe another YA novel?

44. What do you love in your pizza?

CARAMELIZED ONIONS AAAAAA and chorizo bits

45. Favorite drink?

Iced Hazelnut Vanilla by Little Farmers Coffee Brim

46. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

Milk Chocolate ^^

47. What’s your favorite band?

kind of Mainstream but IV of Spades <3

48. Favorite solo artist?

DANIEL CAESAR 

49. Favorite lyrics?

Talk to me - Cavetown

50. If your life was a song what would the title be?

51. If you could master one instrument what would it be?

The Piano. real basic but I get really emotional with a few piano pieces. I’d like to play one of them someday

52. If you had a tattoo where would it be?

On my left forearm ^^

53. To be or not to be?

To be. hahahaahah

54. Dolphins or koalas?

Dolphins. definitely

55. How do you like your coffee?

White and Creamy  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

56. What’s your favorite curse word?

HOLY SHIT and PUTA

57. What color of dress did you wear to prom?

My school didn’t have a prom, but I did get to attend one with my cousin’s friend. It was pink ^^

58. Diamonds or pearls?

Pearls. they look classy and very Filipino

59. Cheap shampoo or expensive?

Expensive. I have frizzy thick hair. I don’t get too cheap with shampoo.

60. Blow dry or air dry?

Blow dry. hahahha blow

61. Heels or flats?

Heels. I look sexier ;)

62. Pilates or yoga?

Pilates every time baby

63. Jogging or swimming?

Swimming

64. One thing you can’t live without?

My sunglasses. 

65. What’s one cause that’s dear to your heart?

helping street animals

66. Who would you want to shoot a love scene with?

ADAM DRIVER AAAAA 

67. What’s your favorite sport?

I don’t do any sports but I usually love watching Figure Skating competitions and will def force my child into the sport. im sorry future kid!

68. Do you have a morning beauty ritual?

NOPE HAHAHA I AM SUCH A SLOB

69. What’s your favorite thing to wear?

I have this short mini dress I love to wear in bed <3 so comfyyy

70. What’s the priciest thing you’ve ever splurged on?

JFC MY WINDSOR AND NEWTON WATERCOLOR PANS

71. Do you play any musical instruments?

lol nope

72. What is your favorite book of all time?

Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah. Reread it a million times.

73. What is something you always travel with?

My Year Planner. ^^

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

Get to Know the Writer Tag Thing

idk if that’s the actual name lol, i just copied and pasted the questions and came up with my own title ^_^;

was tagged by @queen-of-ice101, thanks babe. these are always fun to do

1. Pen or Pencil

i don’t think i’ve written fanfic on paper in forever wow, but when i did (or occasionally will do), i always used pen. i hate making mistakes and having to clumsily cross it out, but pens are smoother and don’t make noise. honestly writing with a good pen on a thick pad of paper is a stim for me

2. Have you ever drawn your OC’s?

twice. and of only one of my ocs. both for inktober 2018. other than that, not really. i’d like to get into drawing more, but i’m just really more of a writer at this point in my life. also drawing ppl??? is so hard???

3. Does your writing ever make you cry?

not that i can remember. chapter 49 in i need another story almost made me cry, but mostly when i’m thinking abt painful scenes, my heart aches. even then, once i’ve envisioned it a lot, the ache eventually disappears. unless i forget abt it, then come back to it, or if it’s just a really painful scene, then the ache never really goes away when i’m thinking abt the scene

but no, bc i guess they’re my ideas. i’m expecting them, i’m writing them, and eventually become desensitized to them

4: If your Muse was a person, what would they look like?

okay so i’m confused by the wording of the question. bc at first i thought muses could be anything. then it occurred to me that they might only be ppl??? or at least take human-like shape bc they’re, i’m assuming, based on the nine muses of greek mythology, who take human shape/form.

maybe i’m reading too much into the question. anyway, my muse has never been a person/taken human shape if i’m honest. it’s been more of an amorphous blob that i haven’t really felt the need to give shape/form to. so to tell you what it would look like as a person...don’t know if i can do that lol

my muse is way more abstract, and i’ve never felt the need to make it concrete in any way

5: Which of your pieces would you choose to be remembered for?

like most writers, i’d like to be remembered for a published book of my own work. read riordan gave me an idea to base a book around chinese mythology, and which takes place in china. who knows, i may even write it in chinese first bc i’d like to become that fluent. the trick to this answer is that right now, this idea is also just an amorphous blob rn lol. i don’t have the time to do the research or flesh out the plot/characters (i don’t even really have those two things lmao). much too busy for that i’m afraid ;_; there is a one-act play i wrote for my creative writing class i’m particularly proud of currently

if i were to pick my fanfic i’d prob have to say itps--the oc pjo story. but only bc i’ve worked so long and so hard on it, and on my oc. if you asked me again in five years, i’d probably tell you smth different.

and i mean that’s the thing to this question. i’m still super young, and i have so much time to write more and continue to grow as a writer, so to choose smth to be remembered for so young almost seems unfair, tbh

6: How much have you written or worked on your WIP so far today?

LMAO ZIP, ZLICH, ZERO

my amorphous muse has gone dormant. i wouldn’t say fled if only bc i think i’ve unconsciously made it dormant so i can focus on finishing my master’s thesis

like would i love to write??? YES OF COURSE, I WOULD BE DOWN TO WRITE ANYTHING AT THIS POINT

but when i go to write, i find i physically cannot (bc smth psychologically is going on up there; could be stress, could be writer’s block, it’s probably those two and a multitude of other things). bc part of me knows that i can’t involve myself in such a big project (even small one-shots) bc i need to be completely focused on my thesis. the other part of me feels unable to control this ability to start writing. which is the worst part

schrödinger’s amorphous muse: when will my muse return from war? my muse has already returned from war.

woe is me

7: Have you ever based a piece (or a portion of a piece) on a dream?

don’t think i have. my dreams tend to be too weird to base a piece or portion of a piece on. if i was writing a fantasy story, it may fit in better. but currently, i write stuff that is based in more realistic-fiction worlds so

like i have very weird dreams. also many of them are stress dreams related to bathrooms (ugh) and school (ugh x2). as if i want to base smth that brings me joy on smth that stresses me out

8: Do you prefer silence, a little noise (music, ambient noise, fan etc) or a lot of noise when you’re writing?

it really depends on the mood i’m in

sometimes i’ll want to listen to talking, but it has to be smth i’ve watched a million times or don’t care abt at all if i am to concentrate on writing. they could be tv shows or video essays, etc. but that’s mostly if i’m not writing like fun/fictional stuff with plot and storyline, bc the talking then just interrupts my train of thought. unless i’ve seriously watched it so much/couldn’t care less abt what i’ve put on

mostly i’ll listen to music. i don’t have playlists, as much as i wish i did. my music library just isn’t that big. i’m such a picky person when it comes to music. and also i have so many other things i want to do than make playlists honestly. like i’m envious of ppl who make playlists, and i’m not saying that those who do make playlists have nothing else to do like at all. not my intention at all. however, at the same time, making them isn’t one of my top priorities

anyway, depending on my mood i’ll listen to the same song(s) on repeat again while i write. sometimes the song matches the mood of the scene i write, but it doesn’t always have to

sometimes i’ll start a song but get so into the scene that when the song ends, i don’t turn it back on anymore bc i don’t need it. sometimes some scenes require a lot of concentration that i can’t listen to anything. i actually need/prefer silence

i’ll only listen to ambient noise if i’m trying to drown out other noises, and only when i’m writing academic papers lol

9: Do you have any routines before you sit down to write?

nope lol. some scenes i’ll imagine for weeks before sitting down to write them bc thinking abt how the scene will play out helps me fall asleep, but also helps me figure out exactly how the scene will play out so when i do sit down to write, it flows so easily onto the page

unfortunately this doesn’t happen with everything i write--only the big, emotional scenes. and even then, i imagine these scenes as movies scenes, so when i go to write, there’s a lot more detail i have to think abt and add in ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

other than that, i don’t really have any routines i absolutely need to do before i sit down to write...i mean does opening all the folders i need, including the folders on my flashdrive so i can easily save and then transfer the saved document to my flashdrive count?

10: Have you ever participated in NaNoWrimo or a Camp?

i wish! but no. never had the time. like WHY NOVEMBER DO YOU KNOW HOW BUSY STUDENTS GET DURING NOVEMBER THAT’S LIKE THE ABSOLUTE WORST TIME TO HOLD IT FOR WRITERS WHO ARE STUDENTS

and like i get that the whole point of it is to get ppl who say things like “never had the time” to write. but that’s the thing, it’s not like inktober, where it encourages a very armature artist (i.e., me) to draw at least one thing everyday. i already love to write and i already write when i can if i don’t have writer’s block and my amorphous muse wants to cooperate

so when i say “i don’t have time” it’s bc it’s in the middle of the fucking semester and i’m swamped with midterms and papers and my ga-ship which requires me to help everyone else who are also scrambling on midterm papers like jeezums i’m not bitter or anything

i know that camp tho has other sessions that aren’t in novemeber, so we’ll see if i decide to participate in those. i can really only focus on one story at a time, esp if it’s a big story i’m really invested in. so participating while i’m researching and writing fanfic would be difficult for me. also the pressure to do the research i want to do in such a short amt of time would probably not be conducive for me, just personally. esp on top of another story where i’m researching and writing (even if i do put it aside to focus on camp) but since i’ve never participated, i wouldn’t know if any of that is necessarily true

thanks again for tagging me! i’ll tag two ppl i know who are writers lol; and as always with these things, feel free to fill this out or not: @talking0fmichelangel0 @lucifers-favorite-child

if you follow me or we’re mutuals and i have failed to realize you’re a writer, feel free to fill these out but tag me so i can read your answers

[myhalloweendreams]

gtkm 🌙

tagged by the lovely @honeyedmilks​ <3

(sorry it took me so long to answer ... I suck)

how tall are you: 5′6 ? i think ? (i converted it but i don’t really get how it works  so i’m not sure if it’s right or not !! but 171cm)

what colour are your eyes: I have boring brown eyes.... I wish i had black eyes they’re awesome or blue they are beautiful

do you wear contacts and/or glasses: glasses ... I suck at putting contacts so I only use them when going out for free and spontaneous peer pressure

do you wear braces: nope, never had to... but I still have a milk-tooth that I had to cover

what is your fashion style: i don’t have money enough to buy nice things style + my mom is very controlling and will vet things and if you buy it anyway she will throw it out of the window style - but I normally dress like: I don’t like to show skin, I don’t fell comfortable in dresses or skirts and I don’t use bright colors or patterns or anything that draws attention to me... so you’ll find mostly in black jeans and plain or simple stamp dark shirt (probably black) bonus points if it’s long enough to end under my butt and something over it (like a  sweater or jacket or something ....probably has something to do with my need of not showing skin) and my favorite short boots. There isn’t much for my mom complain and it doesn’t show skin and mostly is comfortable  (when it isn’t too hot... i suffer a little when it’s) so it’s what I normally go with

when were you born:  may 28th

how old are you: old !! how i say since i was  little kid(and i’m talking about my five years old self) i was born a 60 years old person and i’m just growing older from there (I don’t only was a kid who had an easier time communicating with adults, but I never wanted to play with the other kids, I have back problems, I would take everything serious and be responsible, I nagged even the adults about wrong and right and so on... I was born old)

do you have any siblings: hm yes . one brother (younger) ...he’s awful ... next question

what school/ college do you go went to: interior design 

what kind of student are you: I have always been a good student, but I talked a lot in class... but now that I think about it I had to teach myself everything because I couldn’t concentrate enough, but I was always an overachiever and the teacher’s favorite, but never the best student (I made a conscious effort to not be the best - second is always better than first as it’s be the second in command in any group, never the leader... you’re good enough to be heard but the attention is not on you... I can’t handle attention).... I was always the one to assemble the power points and group’s essays, because that way I would know that it would be done(I’m always freaking out so I couldn’t handle not know if the others weren’t doing their part or if it wasn’t going to be finished) and I would always research everyone’s part so I knew that it wouldn’t lack one part if that person didn’t do its part, but I would always include the information they researched in the essay, but in that way I at least would know that I wasn’t writing nonsense on the essay when they gave me their part and it would be a tool to help the ones that had a hard time finding their part (I liked to be prepared and I liked to be able to help who needed and I liked to know all the subject being researched, normally a lot more profoundly than needed to do the essay ... as I said overachiever)

what are your favorite subjects: arts, math, statistics and I do love history, but not the school subject (I had a mix of bad and not interested teachers in this one)

what are your favorite movies: i have no idea !! you ask my favorite movie and all movies that I ever watched just vanishes from my mind. I can try to think in a few that I like (but probably not my favorite) I guess...

The Mummy 1 & 2 (that Sofia cited)

Zombie ones (like Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, World War Z, Train to Busan, etc)

i love animated movies (some of them: Shrek 2, Coco, How to Train Your Dragon, Coraline, Mulan, Anastasia, The Nightmare Before Christmas... I could keep citing animated movies for a long time here)

Grinch

The Covenant

Pride and Prejudice

The A-Team

Hero movies (even the bad ones)

Rom-coms (but I can’t think in any rn)

Silly comedies (i’m saying silly like the mummy ones and not over-sexual and stupid like american pie... i hate that kind of movie)

That’s all that I can think of rn :X

what are your favorite pastimes: I live from one distraction to another... Sooo, there’s a few...

I listen to music, a lot, while doing everything (I shouldn’t be let alone with my thoughts... ever); I read as much as my concentration and motivation let me; I watch stuff (like tv shows, dramas, movies and not so often: youtube videos); I draw sometimes when my motivation let me(... can I still say that after all this time? there is probably more than a year that I don’t draw anything), I blog and scroll down in the blue hell a lot; I look through and save pins on my Pinterest; I do some diy projects, i really like it but it’s linked to my motivation too so I do less and less stuff as the time passes; there were a time where I would play on my phone but it’s memory it’s too small and I can’t have games anymore; I used to play videogame too but I kind of linked it to my father so I don’t do that anymore; I create stupid stories or scenarios in my head; I really like to play around with photoshop; and I like to learn new things or tricks in things that I already know how to use/do

so you have any regrets: I have only regrets

what is your dream job: i dunno... you have to want to have a future for want to do something in the future i guess

would you like to get married: nope

do you want kids? how many if so: nope... i love kids but nope. Pregnancy is a terrifying thing and everyone painting it as a beautiful full of flowers and rainbows experience is lying. But even if it (pregnancy) wasn’t a problem put another person in this world would not only hypocrite of me, but a really mean thing to do. The world sucks every day more and bring an innocent life to this hell would be mean. Well, if I ever find any will to live I could adopt I guess... the kid is already here and I could at least love her/him, protect and give them the best I can, i guess.... No, I’m too afraid to become my mom, I don’t think I can do that. :(

how many countries have you visited: i can’t even say that i have visited mine... i know like three cities of it. I wish I had ever went to another country.

what was your scariest dream: i dunno... maybe the one where i was in this big ass house that i don’t know and i was running away and i could feel something hunting me  and keep entering in different rooms or not being able to open doors and never finding a way out, and i started to run slower  and i was terrified and then a very graphic version of the hunter of the left 4 dead that my brain created jumped in front of me and then in my face. Maybe not the worse since I have had several nightmares through my life but pretty terrifying and I remember it know..... and what kind of question is that?! who wants to think about that D:

do you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ significant other: nope... i’m asexual 

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs:

almost gave myself a heart attack since I forgot to check the volume~

(I got my old ipod for the last five of the list, because I still listen to it... but it haven’t see a new music for like seven years)

Perfect Man - BTS (cover)

Ciao Adios - Anne-Marie

Often - The Weeknd (i didn’t even knew i was listening to a remix)

Play Hard - Krewella

The Edge - Tonight Alive

I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace 

Pocketful Of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield

Fight Song - Rachel Platten

Now I'm That Bitch - Livvi Franc ft. Pitbull

The Outsider - Black Veil Brides

Tea Party - Kerli

Call Me When You’re Sober - Evanescence

C’est Moi - Marie-Mai

Papa Don’t Preach - Kelly Osbourne (cover)

Blue Suede Shoes - Elvis Presley

Bonus: Until the Day I Die - Story of the Year (because I forgot its existence until it start as the next in this shuffled list)

[yukilumino]

@xenfeather​ tagged me on this! and my god, it is long indeed! I’ll do it little by little, wish me luck! =v=

LAST:

Last drink: Coffee with milk!  Last phone call: I think my father... I use whatsapp for friends Last text message: I need to recharge my mobile, whoops Last song you listened to: Deep blue town, Imarine project Last time I cried: ..I don’t remember, but I’m very sentimental so it hasn’t to be long ago

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice: if all the times my ex-gf broke up with me and we returned like two days after, yes (ugh....) Been cheated on: I think not, maybe by my ex, but I don’t know so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  don’t know don’t care Kissed someone and regretted it: ..maybe? Lost someone special: yes Been depressed: I didn’t go to the phychologist, so I’m not sure, but I had these two terrible phases of my life where I felt LIKE SHIT for years. Been drunk and thrown up: I don’t drink!

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: yesh! >v< Fallen out of love: Falling in love again with your actual s/o counts? :3c (cheeeesyyy)  Laughed until you cried: I’ve laughed a lot, but never cried from it. Met someone who changed you: for good or for bad, yes. Found out who your true friends were: Yes. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, and I felt pity for them because they were lies and I was like: lol, buy a life.

GENERAL:

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: None, lots of them are from other countries far away. Do you have any pets?: nope. Do you want to change your name?: I like my name a lot and the majority of my friends call me by my nickname, so... What time did you wake up this morning?: 8:30, but I slept like shit 8) *pretends to be shocked* What were you doing last night?: watch things online with my s/o Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Nope! What’s getting on your nerves rn?: my mom is a constant in my life for that, despite that, PLEASE I WANT TO BECOME INDEPENDENT );= Blood type: I have no clue, but I should get that checked. (<-same, Xen, same) Nickname: Yuki Relationship status: in a relationship Zodiac sign: Pisces Pronouns: She/Her Favorite tv show: Noooo please, I’m so bad at this, pass, pass. College: I finished it long time ago, I’m a granny Hair colour: Dark brown. Long or short: Long, it almost reach my waist. Do you have a crush on someone: Never had one.(I mean all the crush thing of “aww would they like me??” but I of course love my s/o and loveD my ex) What do you like about yourself: hahahahah...I hate myself more than you would expect 8).

FIRSTS:

First surgery: I was 7 years, of strabismus. They cutted my eye and I have a little scar inside it. First piercing: Have none. First best friend: ...I usually don’t clasify friends on best or not, so don’t know... First sport you joined: join as join a team or? I’m pathetic at sports First vacation: I usually went to the beach with my parents, I hate the beach, I only like the views.. First pair of sneakers: I don’t like sneakers so I always buy random white ones for P.E Eating: Nothing, I’ve just had breakfast Drinking: Nothing! wow, now I’m thirsty  I’m about to: write this while working Listening to: Systematic Love, Reol. Want kids: Not now! let me live alone and have some stability first, gosh. (and then, maybe, I’ll start thinking about it, MAYBE) Get married: it sounds cute, but not now. Career: I make drawings, illustration, concepts and sprites for videogames, but I don’t know what name give to it.

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: Eyes <3 Hugs or kisses: Kisses are ok, but I’m a bitch for hugs it’s the best feeling EVER Shorter or taller: Taller x Shorter :3c but I like people taller than me (I’M 160cms SO THAT’S NOT VERY HARD) Older or younger: I don’t care as long as I like the person. Romantic or spontaneous: Romance because I’m cheesy af. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive, please, I’m enough loud for both of us OTL Hook up or relationship: Relationship. Troublemaker or hesitant: I don’t like extremes, I prefer something in the middle.

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: Nope! Drank hard liquor: Nope, I don’t like it, ugh Lost glasses/contacts: No, I’m very careful of them. Sex on first date: I’d usually tell you not, but... oh, well *cough* Broken someone’s heart: Yes, because I ended something toxic for the best. Been arrested: I’m a good girl! Turned someone down: yes... and I don’t even know  why, I’m so simple and normal and.. people what the fuck do you see on me? I don’t understand (I’m talking as if I’m a heart-breaker, but it was only 2 or 3 times and IT WAS HARD) Fallen for a friend: I think not?...

DO YOU BELIEVE:

In yourself: It’s important to believe in yourself! I hate myself and at the same time I believe I can do things If I put my heart on them! Miracles: uhm...Idk how to answer Love at first sight: No. Heaven: why not? if it makes people to be good it’s more than okay Santa Claus: It’s a secret for my nephews

ahhh I’m to lazy to tag, this was long ;///;U welp, here you have @elliotthezubat @chris-phd @shazuy @an-amethyst-moon @mochi-shama @monodes @dark-grasper @hoshinoemiko @bisexual-chiaki @seinsensei oAoUU 25 are too many ahhh. that’s the end, do it if you want *rolls on the floor*

[discoursecatharsis]

““safe blogs put constraints on artists wahh”

…

like dude if you and your fellow artists are drawing/writing about pedophilia, rape/romanticized rape, homophobic tropes, & racist shit

then GOOD you deserve to be constrained jfccccc””

———

I gotta go in on this, oh my god. I hope you’re in for a read lmao. I am in a shit mood so I am going to be vague tonight. Time for me to debunk this shit ( • ̀ω•́ )✧

—"Safe blogs put constraints on artists wahh"

Well of course they do. Like those with0ut-theshit blogs for example, those blogs not only say which people they shouldn’t reblog from because they drew a ship you don’t like, it actually labels them as a shitty person because they drew something for that ship. Whether it was a gift art for a friend, a commission, or even just a thing for a online group project, that blog labeled them as a bad person for drawing the pairing you deemed as unhealthy. It’s fine if you do not want to reblog a particular ship from an artist, but to blatantly refuse to support an artist, new or old, is just immature and really shitty behavior if I am being honest here. Which I am. No one deserves to be cast out of a “safe blog” for their shipping preferences. Whether one ships 0tayur1 (which is the main reason I am going so hard rn), sh@l@din, Sh31th, or even s@ngb*m, it does not make them a bad/unsafe artist and person.

—“like dude if you and your fellow artists are drawing/writing about pedophilia, rape/romanticized rape, homophobic tropes, & racist shit, then GOOD you deserve to be constrained jfccccc“

Okay. Since you did tag an*i 0t@yur1, I am going to debunk all of what you claim it to be. And defend my fellow artists and fanfic writers everywhere.

First things first, the whole pedophilia accusation… 0tab3k is in no way a pedophile. That word has been thrown around way too much for it to have any goddamn meaning at this point. He isn’t five years older than Yur1, he is barely an adult, Yur1 who is 16, is not a prebuescent child under the age of 13 which is the cut off age for pedophilia. I won’t delve into this further because I’m sure many people, CSA victims included, have told you an*is time and again, in depth, what pedophilia actually fucking means. And with some of the victims relaying their own experiences to you to prove it.

Second, 0tab3k….is….fucking….eighteen. He just turned eighteen two months prior of meeting Yur10. While it does mean, by law he has reached the age of majority in both Russia, Kazakhstan, and in 75% of the United States, he is still a teenager like Yur1. Reaching the age of majority in whatever country you reside from and live in does not mean you are an adult. Human brains do not finish developing until one is 25 anyway.

The age difference between 0tab3k and Yur10 is that of a Sophomore (10th grader) and Senior (12th grader) in high school. There are literally lots of couples who have the same age difference that 0tayur1 has and 99% of them were still the healthiest relationships they ever had. There is nothing abusive about an 18 year old and 16 year old dating. At all. Abuse can happen in any relationship no matter what age dynamic. It isn’t always the older person abusing the younger, or the man abusing the woman. LBGTQ relationships have the potential to be abusive if one or both partners have underlying problems from their past or mental health. It doesn’t happen with someone who is an adult preying on someone younger and vulnerable. It can happen with fucking anyone. Stop projecting abuse that aren’t there in the first place onto ships you hate.

Rape/romanticized rape. Okay as much as I do not wish to touch on this, I’m going to just a little. People can write about rape/noncon if they want. Like it or not, dark themes in fiction is a healthy way of exploring as long as you don’t try to condone or do that shit to someone in real life. Rape is a vile, degrading act no one deserves to go through. I don’t like it and I don’t like to write it (I wouldn’t even dare draw it either), people can explore that aspect of fiction if they please. As long as they tag their shit appropriately so people know to avoid it, I don’t see it as an issue. I don’t think anyone should romanticize rape, but it happens. 0tayur1 is not one of the fictional ships that happens in at all, my guy.

Now I’m going to talk about the homophobic tropes. My question is, fucking where is it?? Are you talking about ABO? Yur10 being grossed out by v1ktuur1 being all lovey dovey? Male/female roles inserted into a M/M ship? V1kt0r not doing the dishes or some shit? These are barely homophobic. You just have a stick so far up your ass about overused fandom tropes, you’re tasting it for next 84 years. And you don’t realize that 90% of the fandom is LBGTQ like yourself because you’re probably screaming "those straight, homophobic white girls” everytime you see some shit you don’t like that is barely an issue.

The racism thing, the reach is so far with this one, man. Tell me, where is the racist shit in this or any pairing??? I don’t see it. None of us do. Again, you are fucking projecting the problematic stuff that isn’t there in whatever you’re complaining about. Are you actually going around and looking for the shit so you can bitch to whoever listens and get them on your side? That is completely fucked of you.

“then GOOD you deserve to be constrained jfccccc“

Fuck off with this. Seriously??? You honestly think we artists who actively try to stay in our lane with our ships, having good fun, tagging what needs to be tagged deserve to be constrained, treated like a bad criminal because of the content of what we draw or write? People are so done with your “purity” complex that the ones on your safe list are actively trying to get off of it by drawing the things you, by your dumb ass morality standards, deem as bad and unsafe. When you make people on your “safe” list angry that you have done that while alienating a great deal of the fandom you’re in, then the real problematic person here is you. And when you run out of safe artists and people to support, your purpose to make fandom safe will be for naught. I’m sure deep down you know this. Maybe not. Whatever.

If you really want to avoid what squicks you, then actually learn to use the resources provided on the internet for use at the availability of your fingertips. If you are on mobile, use Washboard and don’t use the app. If you are on desktop, use xkit or tumblr savior. No one deserves to be constrained. You do not have the authority to do so in any fandom no matter how hard you try. Tumblr is not your safe space, fandom is not your safe space. The entire internet is not your safe space. No one on there or in the real world is going to cater to you. Ever. Your behavior as an an*i is abhorrent. Stop.

(submitted by crystallinekai)

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[paperjamz]

rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better ✨ (christ, 20 people?? i aint even close to knowing more than 10 people (that i regularly talk to) on tumblr. tagged by @bostonfireflies a - age: 16 b - birthplace: pasig city, i think c- current time: 9:12 am d - drink you last had: water e - easiest person to talk to: my beautiful awesome amazing friend kirk, 10/10 would recommend. but tbh most of my friends are easy to talk to :0. f - favourite song: rn its believer - imagine dragons g- grossest memory: being born h - horror yes or horror no: or i - in love?: with jane crocker 😍😍 j - jealous of people?: tbh no k - killed someone?: oh no u caught me l - love at first sight or should i walk by again: like, cry in front of them m - middle name: yzabel n - number of siblings: 2 o - one wish: to finish all my projects and pass 🙏🙏🙏 p - person you called last: my sister? q - question you’re always asked: lately its "are you okay" and idk how to feel abt that BAHAHHA r - reason to smile: tracer is a lesbian s - song you sang last: All my friends are creepers they explode t - time you woke up: 6:20 am u - underwear colour: uh, idk pastel colors?? v - vacation destination: Baguio! its cold there. w - worst habit: drawing and not doing things i need to do x - x-rays: yes. y - your favourite food: idk pasta from yellow cab z - zodiac sign: virgo tag 20 (3) blogs you wanna get to know better: @acrylyxx @butterlegos @humbella

[nyrator]

Some more art thoughts and ramblings, about Rotten Nyan and anxiety again.

Man, anxiety is weird. Been reflecting on it again today while trying to draw the first RN-related thing in a while.

I think one factor in it is the weird mindset I get into when drawing Lave, especially Middle Lave. This comic I feel is a good reference to what I mean:

https://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic/creative-expression

Except, instead of just facial expressions, it’s emotions, too. How tense my body gets, how much my heart aches- I subconsciously feel these things when trying to draw a character feeling them. And Middle Lave is always that- extremely tense, paranoid, heart racing, wanting to vomit mindset. And I wonder how I can ease off on my body while still retaining the ability to draw the things I’d like to draw. It’s very, very uncomfortable to feel that way again, maybe moreso because I lived it once.

Another factor is of course ability. My artwork I feel has improved- I’m somewhat proud of the latest console / Madotsuki artwork stuff I’ve done, it’s starting to click more and more it feels. But then there are the things I don’t know that cause me a lot of anxiety- Paneling, pacing, filling in negative space, shading, things like that. I tend to be very critical on myself in that regard, and I end up being too scared to work on something because I haven’t “figured out” how to fix those issues that made me stop.

Of course, the only way to improve is to keep drawing, so that’s what I should do. I just wish I could do things to my level of perfection, I suppose, but that’s unreasonable honestly. I just hope people can still enjoy these imperfect things.

Ideas also don’t help- I used to brainstorm a lot, come up with pages and pages of notes for my projects. Story ideas are always the hardest to come by, though. And after RN, taking such a deep look into myself, it’s made brainstorming harder, because I just think of things I’d rather not, and I’m too scared to even try thinking of any new project ideas- I’ve left too many old ones unfinished already, I know nothing I create will be finished and I need to finish at least one of my old projects, I still love them.

The main factor I’ve been thinking of today is self-consciousness. There’s a lot of connections in my mind- web of links, how things are related in terms of who I am as an artist and a person. The friends and followers I have, for example. I have relatively few, but I appreciate the people who do go out of their way to pay attention to me, be it following, liking things, or even just repeated lurking check-ins. And I think I’m scared to lose any of that with my actions- The things I want to make going against what people follow me for, if that makes sense. And overall, I know that it’s my content, real friends and such would stick around, but at the same time, I’m still scared of people thinking differently of me, or posting content that deeply hurts those around me.

I think of how to go about it- I’ve thought about making a different alias, completely separated from Nyrator. Somewhere I can do things without discretion, make whatever I want- Except, there’s one issue. All I want to draw are my original characters and ideas, and they are uniquely connected to me- there’ll always be a line drawn from those characters back to Nyrator. I don’t want to make new characters and I don’t like making fanart, but it’s already public info on how these characters are related to me, so I might as well post them on my own blogs.

I’ve thought about making a more sensitive-content kind of place, not exactly an NSFW blog or anything (I don’t like that kind of stuff personally, though I think some of my ideas would probably be considered fetish art or at least mature or something), but a more dedicated “not safe for mental health” blog, I guess. I do have RN on it’s own tumblr blog, and I keep debating if I should separate the twitter as well. But I don’t think that solves the problem of the fear of losing people close to me, pushing them away or hurting them- those close to me will still be reading it, still be seeing this part of me I don’t want to be associated with.

I was looking at Nagata Kabi’s art today after getting lost a bit on Pinterest. And of course, the grass is always greener, and I know she suffers as well. But I still admire her ability to share such personal things about her life, and to just openly draw these kinds of things- the things she draws, both manga and not, are very similar to the kind of stuff I want to draw. Personal things, the bad things in life, cute things with plush animals with depressed people, uncomfortably child-like adults, as well as darker things. I spoke with someone about it, and they made me realize just how incredibly strong she is to be able to post these things publicly as herself.

I’m amazed at many Japanese artists’ ability to be very open about the content they make, even the risque or looked-down upon things. I think of what would happen if I tried drawing Nyans like that, and I feel sick at the pressure. I don’t know what’s the right thing to draw. It’s easy to say the right thing is “what I want to draw”, but then I think of how much lingering sickness I always feel immediately afterward, and wonder, is it worth it? Lave had many personal issues that I debate drawing, but does my current audience want to see it? That one Violation picture for example- flashing dirty underwear. I like how the picture came out a lot, but the content of it makes me want to throw up so much from anxiety and self-disrespect, it’s too close to some fetish artwork, and I just think ‘people do not want or need to see this’.

It might be because I have a mix of friends- the ‘tumblr’ people, the ‘chan’ people, and so on- so long as they’re a relatively decent and reasonable person, I enjoy them. Some people have no stigma when it comes to content, some people have the common internet ones (like furry/fetish art for example), some people have much higher standards- and it feels like those people are the norm nowadays, at least around me. It almost feels like I’m split sometimes. I like free expression and think art is a medium where anything can be made (the only thing I’m really against is anything that uses the likeness of an actual person for nefarious purposes, particularly of younger people, and even then I have no real power to stop people making anything they want to make). At the same time, I need to respect the people who follow me as well, you know?

Maybe I’m just scared of being looked down upon, or judged for the things I draw. I do very little to maintain what little connections I have already, and I really don’t want to push people away (nor do I want to guilt people into staying, either). Art life is a hard life.