#i wish i had more time to draw!!!!!!!!!!!! wish i didn't have to maintain gainful but mentally exhausting employment!!!!!!!

[wyfy-meltdown]

I did it again!!! Meet my second PMMM OC: Shinoha Murofushi!

More info below the cut *⁠.⁠✧

Basic Info:

Name: Shinoha Murofushi

Age: 16

Height: 5'6

Wish: "'My ultimate dream could come true'... If that's really the case then, I want to get revenge on those bastards!"

Weapon: Dual Swords

Power: The ability to release attacks used against her back at an enemy*

Soul Gem: Bellflower (*also somewhat looks like a skull) located below the chest, with scales on the bottom of the soul gem

Witch: Nemesis

*She can only absorb attacks that have hit her, and will take damage from anything that hits her. She can store damage for as long as she wants, but when she releases it, every attack she's stores gets released at once. However the attack affected her is how it will affect the target she releases on: Ex. Someone punches her causing a bloody nose, Shinoha releases her damage, and the puncher gains a bloody nose and the pain that caused the bloody nose. Ex2. Someone breaks her arm with a baseball bat, Shinoha releases her damage, and the batter gains a broken arm and the pain of a baseball bat to the arm.

Personality:

She's incredibly standoffish and tries her best to be alone at all times. She rarely leaves her room, and hates going to school. She's quick to judge and mistrust others, and it's incredibly hard for her to lower her guard. She's learned to cut her own hair (due to avoiding leaving the house) and while she has exceptional talent doing so, she has no interest in being a hairdresser. She rarely sleeps, and is always tired. She maintains a perfect poker face, but struggles with violent thoughts and self-loathing: becoming a magical girl has given her an outlet for her struggles, although she gets very brutal in fights. Her favorite food is seafood, and she can't stand the taste of sweet things. Despite her dark thoughts, she's very meek, and seldom voices her opinions and feelings. If she's got a problem with someone, they likely don't know until it's too late. Her downbeat nature means she doesn't have many hobbies; she spends most of her time on her phone, and is a closet idol fanatic.

Design Breakdown:

This design was a challenge and a pain. I struggled A LOT to incorporate her "revenge" wish and find a good theming for it, but all I could really work with was "greek goddess Nemesis" (justice/law/punishment theme). I managed to fit in some wing-like shapes (skirt, swords) but I don't know if it's obvious enough(?) Her hair-circle is meant to look like a halo (angel of punishment theme) but I'm not sure if it just looks like a random circle or an actual halo. I included bellflower motifs because... I have no real reason; nice concept, but I can't draw bellflowers well. Her colour palette was the most difficult part (theming second) because no colours fit her??? I don't know how to describe it, but no colours worked right with her personality (not even black or white). I settled on green with grey hair, but it'll probably change if I ever draw her again. I fear her design is a little to "fantasy" not enough "magical girl" (but that might just be my "ruffles/pink" brainrot). I tried really hard to give her a should cloak, then a caplet, and finally I gave up and just went with the sleeves.

Overall: she was a struggle, and I don't think I got across my theming and motifs well. I might try to redesign her in the future, but for now I'm content with this: I think it's good for my current skill level and her current concept.

Trivia:

She didn't believe in magical girls at all, but after much pestering convincing from Komoe, she unseriously made a wish before becoming a magical girl

Her damage absorbing ability causes her to intentionally endanger herself in fights against witches (possible concept)

Originally her plan was to kill her bullies, but she instead opted to use her power to curse them

She would've liked to be the brooding loner type of magical girl, but Komoe had other plans

She has a mini fridge in her room and it's her favorite thing in the world

It's always dark in her room, so she can see well in the dark (potential plot point later[?])

She's a big fan of spy, action, and mystery movies; and has some form of online review blog

She has a mannequin in her room she vents her frustrations and feelings to (she strongly dislikes showing emotions in public and/or around others)

As much as she's tried to fight it, Komoe often comes to her house with groceries, grief seeds, gifts, and other things to give to Shinoha

Although she was initially very unhappy about becoming a magical girl (she kinda became a magical girl on accident), she's slowly learning to embrace her magical girl persona (and becoming more deranged in the process!)

She named her magical girl swords after her two favorite idols, and has begun a personal sword collection (a goal Komoe helped her set was to eventually forge a sword herself)

She once drank a small bottle of vanilla extract without batting an eye (it was dark, she was tired and didn't feel like reading)

She punts around Inkyuu like a ball

[wutheringskies]

The take about Jiang cheng and the dogs thing was kinda strange to me. Unfortunately, children don't regulate their emotions very well. When their feelings get overwhelming, they don't act with compassion or empathy, they react to the immediate situation, especially when a new sibling is involved. It's pretty common for a kid to feel forgotten or unloved when a new sibling comes along, and when you're at that age, anger is a common reaction to things like that. I don't think him being mad about losing his dogs and then kicking Wuxian out shows sociopathy or even just a lack of empathy toward Wuxian specifically. It's just being a kid, especially being a kid who's gotten to have the attention suddenly being left out of the attention (or at least feeling that way) when a new sibling comes along.

In Jiang Cheng's case it is more like, even before Wei Wuxian arrived, he felt he was unloved, and didn't have he attention onto him (great parenting madam yu and jfm!); and of course, you are right. Being childish at an age where you are, well, a child is no issue. It's endearing.

But what I also wish to restate is that Jiang Cheng was already eight or nine years old. I do feel "empathy" is something natural to people; yet the point still isn't about what he did when he was 8 or 9 years old.

The post I'd targeted said something like Jiang Cheng "gave and gave" and Wei Wuxian "took and took." Him acting like a child would, at the age of 8 or 9, isn't a big deal. But I wished to draw more attention to the detail that his current actions (whether it be 36 years old, or 20 years old) were still similar to the actions of his younger self!

I don't wish to condemn him for being an average child; people change a lot when they grow up, but in his case, the tragedy is that he didn't.

He has never encouraged Wei Wuxian's interactions with anyone other than himself; if someone praises him, or gives him attention, he finds it an insult to his own self; he uses his fears against Wei Wuxian; instead of taking responsibility he shirks it off, letting Wei Wuxian hide the truth (about just WHAT the Wens had done for them) and bear his debts, and keep his name clear. When Wei Wuxian acts on his own he thinks it was a personal offense to him.

That's why I found that scene important - Jiang Yanli tries to catch Wei Ying but fails and he gets injured anyways (like when she had him come for JL's 100th day but he got ambushed); she tries to maintain a peace between the two and this "pact" grows thinner and thinner and completely snaps after she's gone.

Similarly, even after his death, Wei Wuxian doesn't tell Lan Wangji why he climbed that tree though he remembers. He thinks Madam Yu wasn't that cruel. The only growth he has is that this time, instead of asking to be let in, he leaves on his own, exhausting his patience.

But Jiang Cheng? Jiang Cheng felt bitter, unloved, stuck in his own misery, thinking his parents loved Wei Wuxian more than him, scaring him with dogs, fearing the repurcussions. But now? His parents are long dead. Wei Wuxian died for 13 years. Yet, he hasn't changed at all.

That's the point I wanted to make by using the parallels of that childhood event. Having no space for empathy at that age wasn't "wrong" but it's the fact he never gains it throughout his life.

Honestly, I must say it's a bit surprising that out of all the things I said in that post, this stood out to you. But if it is genuine concern, then that is all well ^^

[littlemisssquiggles]

LittleMissSquiggles’ Summary of Art 2023

Honestly folks, I don't got much to say about this year. This might just be my shortest art summary to date since I don't have much to comment on this year's events.

2023 was a general mix of highs and lows but overall, not a bad year. You could say that this was the year I was more work-oriented.

I focused more on work especially during the early half of this year, between January and July and therefore didn't spend much time on personal projects; specifically 3D. That being said, I did end up getting back up to my art. Since I've been more focused on 3D for the past two years, I chose this year to get back into my 2D art doing illustrative work since I missed it.

More than that, I took this year to spend some well needed time improving my drawing skills, using tools and techniques from my 3D workflow in an attempt to improve my illustrative work and needless to say, I think it worked out great, even if the end results wasn't much.

---

Some squiggly good accomplishments I achieved in 2023:

Started the year employed and while I had to juggle two job opportunities which had its fair share of ups and downs in more ways than one, at least it allowed me the chance to earn the funds I needed to obtain my new workstation: a Lenovo Ideacentre 5 Gaming PC.

Learned about the almighty power of networking and remote desktops thanks to my contract job which allowed to me to transform my current setup into one that fully connects and maximizes the full use of all the devises in my arsenal. Basically I figured out how to connect my previous laptop to my new PC so now I work with a setup where my laptop acts as a third monitor for my PC while I'm able to access all my files from my laptop from my PC. Ontop of that, I also learnt how to connect my PC to my Ipad Mini, not just for transferring files for art but for also using it as a proxy computer device to remote into my main PC workstation. This may not seem like a big deal to most but for someone who didn't know a thing about most of this stuff up until this year, it makes a huge difference to this squiggle meister.

Gained a new four-legged member to the squiggle meister family household. A playfully mischievous yet adorable Husky-mix pup fittingly named Alaska or the "Wee Las" as I like to call her.

Experimented a lot with my art this year and while I may not have shared all of the fruits of my labour to social media, I have been making quite a few strides. ---- I spent the last couple of years pushing my social media presence and while I have benefitted from it from time to time, I missed out on just taking some time to myself; getting back to indulging in other activities that brought me joy; particularly the ones that involve truly honing my craft.

I hope to maintain this type of vibe moving forward towards the new year.

Even if my social media activity won't be as frequent as previous years, I do hope that those who have been following and supporting me and my work over years still continue to do so, even if it's to simply just check in from time to time.

To conclude my post, as always, I'm wishing everyone all the very, very best in their respective lives and daily endevours for the upcoming new year.

Let see what we got in store for 2024! Happy New Year folks!

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♦  PREVIOUS ART SUMMARIES  ♦

2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022

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LittleMissSquiggles (2023)

[xfreischutz]

finally painted for the first time in a long time and it!!!!! was great very relaxing

some jaw armour for exos, one strapped on and one welded on, ft my exo warlock zamiel-6 and exo titan nights-17

[bridgertonbabe]

I have to say that the Umbrella Academy AU sounds so interesting. But as usual my Benophie loving ass had a thought...

You noted that Sophie struggles maintaining her neutral state...what if it is only when she is with Benedict that this settles. (Whether that be due to their emotions or Benedict's superpower). It could link in with the whole Benophie 'let me be your anchor' idea, and the fact that Benedict is the one who truly sees Sophie.

Bonus. Benedict drawing/painting her in every state because he finds her beautiful even when she has a different eye colour etc.

Sorry, read your post and got inspired, can't wait to hear more!

Oh I mean naturally Benophie's story in the Umbrella Academy AU is the one I've thought through the most! 😜

And you've absolutely read my mind in that Sophie's appearance only settles when she's with Benedict because his soul anchors hers and perceptively sees her better than anyone else.

For full perspective, Sophie has never truly known what her true appearance is meant to look like. Throughout her tumultuous childhood her looks never settled, her hair wildly changing colour length and texture and her facial features contorting her from one identity to another. When she joined the academy and was shown some basic care and love as well as stability, she gained better control of her shape-shifting, though during her neutrality her appearance would still gradually fade (for example, if she sat down to watch a film with the other academy members she would appear as a brand new person by the time it had finished). Once she had mastered her power she could simply maintain the appearance of someone whose looks she admired or wished to appear as (and for fun she regularly cloned herself as her fellow academy members and mimicked them), but every night she would sit at her dressing table, staring hopelessly at her own reflection, willing herself to present her authentic self just so she could know what she might look like. She had photos of her parents, to get some idea of what she was likely to look like, but still she could never seem to nail her actual appearance down no matter how much she wished for it.

While some of the other academy members could navigate their way through the outside world during their downtime without any issue, Sophie was practically reclusive because of her appearance. She was too scared to make friends because of her inability to possess her true neutral physicality and even when she put effort into maintaining another person's appearance she hated herself - she was so sick of being everyone else but herself and she simply didn't have the strength to quite literally keep up appearances when she wasn't fighting crime.

For a long time there was a loneliness Sophie endured all to herself even in spite of the love and support she received from Lady Danbury and the rest of the academy - but then one night everything changed.

As she drifted off into sleep she dreamt she was out on a terrace overlooking the countryside - and she wasn't alone. Keeping her company was a handsome man with chestnut hair, blue eyes, and a lopsided grin. She was instantly smitten and in the dream they talked and laughed and even shared in a dance. She was downhearted upon waking though she was quite surprised by just how vividly she remembered the dream in such great detail. Then, when she went to bed that night, there he was again in her dream. He asked her a question - a question which followed up on something she had mentioned in her dream the previous night - which left her bemused. The dream played out much like the previous night's one did, almost as if they were on a date, but this time her date revealed his name; Ben. And then he kissed her and somehow it felt as though she really was kissing him - but then much to her chagrin she woke up again.

Fortunately Ben was there again the next night, and the night after that, and the night after that; in fact every time she closed her eyes at night and rested her head on her pillow, there he was smiling brightly at her. They spent their dream dates chatting non-stop, laughing, and kissing, and each night they were in a new setting; one night he was sweeping her across a magnificent ballroom, another they were cuddled together looking up at the stars, and then a romantic date in Paris, a long walk on a tropical beach, admiring the Northern lights. Every single dream of hers was enchanted, with Benedict being the most enchanting factor of all. They shared secrets together, telling each other their innermost thoughts; and Sophie even told him of her identity of being Umbrella Number Three and her deep-seated frustration of never knowing what she truly looked like. This confession surprised Ben - because she had only ever had a singular appearance every time they met in her dream. She was so startled by his observation that she woke herself up and began wondering if the fantasy of Ben was becoming a worrying obsession of her own imagination, one that she knew would destroy her if she stopped dreaming him up. That night when she entered her dream she found herself in a cottage looking out on a picturesque countryside - and of course, there was Ben. He asked her to sit before an easel he had set up and informed her he was going to draw her in order to show her what she looked like. She was apprehensive and began pondering aloud; what if she had subconciously made herself in the image of what Ben's dream girl looked like, who was she kidding that all of this - Ben included - was nothing more than a grandiose figment of her own imagination, how had her ability to lucid dream brought her more happiness than she ever thought possible? Her babbling screeched to a halt when Ben presented his portrait of her and she stared in stunned silence. In an instant she knew that was her true authentic appearance; she shared the same facial features as the photo of her mother but had her father's blond hair and green eyes. She teared up, knowing that upon awaking she wouldn't have the appearance, knowing her dreams were nothing more than that.

But then Ben told her that this wasn't her dream; this was their shared dream and stunned her by telling her he was just like her and that he had a superpower too. He tells her he has the ability to infiltrate other people's sleeping consciences and to manipulate their dreams, that he's part of a surveillance agency where his power is employed - at which point Sophie freaks out, accusing him of exploiting her in her sleep for his own agenda. He confesses he was initially tasked with slipping into the sleeping consciences of the Umbrella Academy to see if they posed any sort of harmful threat to the world but after passing through the rest of the team's consciences (and mentioning that with all due respect her teammate's dreamscapes were just plain weird and of no beneficial insight whatsoever), he entered hers and the second he saw her forgot all about his mission. In fact when he awoke from that first dream he lied to his team and told them that the Umbrella Academy's minds were impenetrable, that they must have some sort of mind force preventing anyone from getting into their brains. Ben tells her that though they've ever only met and been united in their dreams, what they share and what they have between them is real. He professes his love for her, that he spends every waking moment waiting to go to sleep to be reunited with her, that he's been disregarding assignments and claiming his powers are waning just so he can spend every second of dreaming being with her. He swears on his mother's life that he's not manipulating her, that she can trust him, that he'll quit his job and leave everything behind just so he can be with her in real life. Sophie is taken aback by everything she's just been told - and then much to her frustration she wakes up.

As she begins to mull over it all, weighing up the truth and the reality of it all (and very much considering if her mental health has taken a turn for the worse), Phillip calls her for a chat. Just like Luther in the series, Phillip is situated on Mars (as opposed to the moon) collecting samples and seeing if the planet is hospitable to growing plant-life. Sophie is his regular point of contact and they video-call all the time. Phillip wants to share something with Sophie that he's observed, something which he's kept track of for awhile now, wanting to gather enough evidence before he got her hopes up. She's confused until he tells her that several times he's video-called her only for her laptop to automatically answer without Sophie accepting it. When her camera's answered, Sophie has been sleeping but Phillip wouldn't hang up, leaving the call on so he could have some company even though Sophie wasn't conscious. It was after several hours when he realised that Sophie's sleeping appearance hadn't altered in the slightest and over the course of the next couple of months whenever he video-called her and found her sleeping, not only did her appearance not change but it was the exact same face every single time. He wasn't sure what it meant - he had seen Sophie sleeping before over the years but her appearance would gradually change through the night - but he wondered if perhaps she was slowly adapting to her authentic form. He then sent screenshots of what she looked like in her sleep and Sophie was blown away - her appearance was that of the portrait Ben had drawn of her in her dream.

That night as soon as she met Ben in her dream she told him she believed him, that she trusted him, that she loved him back. She informed him of what Phillip had told and shown her, telling Ben that whatever connection they had was special, that what they had ran deeper than their shared dreams, that they were bonded on some sort of spiritual and mental level enough that her shape-shifting had finally settled whenever she was with him. Ben offered up the idea that they were soulmates and Sophie truly knew in her heart that this was true. She then asked if they could finally meet in real life, wanting to be able to physically touch him and kiss him, to be her truest self with him. He leapt at her proposal, and told her once they had met that they could start a life together, away from the rest of the world and live a quiet life in the country, an aspirational dream they had both shared together for what they wanted in life.

They arranged to meet at a party held at some big country house called Aubrey Hall with Benedict telling her she'd recognise the terrace with a knowing grin. On the day of the party Sophie had gotten all dressed up, giddy with anticipation to finally meet Ben in the flesh, for her happy ever after to begin, and she eagerly revealed all to Number Four ahead of her departure, unable to keep her excitement to herself.

And yet in spite of all that, Sophie never went to the party. She never even left the house. She did a u-turn at the front door and went back up to her bedroom before resting into a dreamless sleep. Months later when Phillip returned he asked Sophie if she had any luck with settling her appearance like she had done in her sleep but she had no idea what he was on about. He had also observed just how dulled her mood had become, considering for a while during their video calls she had never sounded brighter and more optimistic - but again, Sophie hadn't a clue what he was referring to. He thought it additionally peculiar when he asked her how her dreams were going, as she had mentioned in passing how vivid hers had become to the point where she was sure she was lucid-dreaming, but Sophie dismissed the question altogether; she had always had dreamless sleeps after all.

Fast forward to the Bridgertons reaping havoc with their newly upgraded and wildly omnipotent superpowers, Gareth and Sophie team up when a new sibling is located. Gareth teleports them to the countryside where a Bridgerton sibling seems to have the power of conjuring up dreamscapes and just about anything imagined from his mind. Their surroundings are completely distorted and other-worldly but once they get around the obstacles, they manage to find one of the troubled Bridgertons in some sort of palace projected from within his own mind. The Bridgerton - Benedict - spins around when they call out to him and he stares in wild disbelief at Sophie. Gareth tries to explain why they're there but is instantly yeeted out of the realm they've entered by the simple flick of Benedict's finger (Gareth teleports back, gets yeeted again, and teleports once more before taking the hint after Benedict expels him for a third time). Benedict approaches Sophie, his eyes wide as if trying to comprehend her very existence, much to her confusion. She carefully addresses him by his name, hoping to talk him down, but he asks her to refer to him by his shortened name. She obliges and calls him Ben - and then out of nowhere he's kissing her passionately. Sophie shoves him off her and slaps him without thinking. There's a beat of silence and she worries how explosively he'll react, expecting to be yeeted away with even more force than he had done with Gareth; but instead Benedict tears up, asking her what he did to make her stop loving him.

Sophie is flabbergasted, telling him she's only just met him, before suggesting that maybe her current appearance just so happens to be of the woman he loves and tries to explain to him she's a shape-shifter. He cuts her off, telling her he's well aware; he knows everything about her. Then much to her shock and horror he begins listing off things she's never told anyone else, things she's only ever internally thought to herself, but she argues back, accusing him of manipulating her mind. Furiously Benedict tells her that her mind is the one he can't manipulate because he can't access it. She doesn't understand what he's talking about before he fills in the blanks and tells her all about the dreams they shared, the connection they had, and everything else in between. He tells her how he waited for her to show at the party but she never came and when he tried to reach her in her dreams he no longer could no matter how much he tried. He thought then his powers simply weren't strong enough to break through whatever mental block she had shrouded her conscience in, and after the lightning strike with his abilities heightened and more powerful than ever before he thought he could finally reunite with her; but still he couldn't reach her. Sophie is floored by what he's revealed and believes he's simply having some sort of mental breakdown with all the might of his powers affecting him, making him believe the most elaborate and intricate of delusions. She informs him that she's only ever had a dreamless sleep and that she's never been able to keep a neutral appearance, never knowing what she actually looks like in spite of what he's trying to tell her.

Frustrated, Benedict conjures up a mirror and shoves it in her face; and there Sophie sees herself for what she believes is the very first time and somehow deep down inside she knows that is what she's meant to look like. Benedict doesn't even give her a chance to respond before their surroundings are engulfed with copious screens displaying the dreams they shared together. In each and every one Sophie sees herself looking exactly as she does in the mirror and the more of these memories she sees, the more something within her is burning, something akin to familiarity and yet she can't quite reach it. It all looks so vivid, almost like she can reach out and touch the memories, but something keeps blocking her in her mind and it feels as though a grip is tightening around her. She starts to panic as she begins to get pains in her chest and as a searing ache tears through her head, almost making her feel as though she's about to explode. Benedict grabs a hold of her, begging her to remember him, to remember them, imploring her to fight against whatever manipulation has permeated her mind so that she can remember that he's her soulmate. The physical and mental pain becomes too overwhelming and Sophie ends up passing out from the sheer anguish of it all.

Holding her close to him, Benedict returns his surroundings to what they once were before he distorted them, wanting to get Sophie help as quickly as he can - except Gareth is waiting for him and he's brought company, and Phillip incapacitates Benedict before he can do anything.

When Sophie comes to she finds herself back at the academy recuperating and is congratulated by Lady Danbury for successfully retrieving another Bridgerton, who they now have under observation. Suddenly they hear Benedict screaming from the other side of the building - and he's screaming for Sophie. Immediately Sophie jumps up and runs in the direction of his voice as the walls around her begin to distort as a direct result of Benedict's raw emotion. She hurtles in to where Benedict has been confined and instinctively pulls him into her arms, comforting him in an instant and the distortion that had begun to affect the building simultaneously stops. As Sophie cards a hand through his hair, quietly assuring him that she's not going anywhere, the Umbrella Academy and the other Bridgertons that have been retrieved enter the room and quizzically observe how close the pair are.

Lady Danbury gently asks what power Sophie seems to have over him, but Phillip talks over her, pointing out to Sophie that her current appearance is the one she used to possess in her sleep a few years previously. Before Sophie can respond, Benedict beats her to it, snapping that this is how she's always looked to him, how she's supposed to look. Sophie begins to elaborate for the rest of the room's stunned benefit but Benedict ends up taking over, clutching her close as he explains how he and Sophie know each other better than anyone else, how they dreamt together and how a mental block has been put over Sophie's mind to prevent her from remembering him and what they had.

As he's talking something suddenly strikes Sophie as she realises there's someone who would have had the power to make her forget all about Benedict and close her mind off to him. Slowly she pans her gaze around the room and across the faces of her teammates until she lands on the only one who can control others' minds.

"Why?" she croaks, her eyes welling with tears, bringing Benedict to a halt in his speech before he follows her train of sight. "Why would you do that to me, Penelope?"

[just-like-playing-tag]

Personal highlights from the fourth chapter of the fanbook!!! You can read the entire chapter translation here :)

Thank you so much @/1000sunnygo for the translation!!!!!!

According to Shirai, one of the reasons why Emma needed to be a girl is because of her so called "soft idealism" in not wanting to kill demons, which (somehow????) could come off as "uncool" or "naïve" to readers if coming from a guy (?????????????). However Shirai also says that “he wished Emma's words were acknowledged even if it came from a male protagonist instead of having the stereotypical expectations of what a man should be like”, which is nice in its own way.

The idea of a demon with no face under the mask, which was used both in chapter 103 and later in chapter 155 for Legravalima's transformation, was inspired by an old note Demizu left on a early draft where she commented on how it would be “creepy if a demon is actually faceless if you remove their mask”.

Sugita comments that Shirai often used to say "I wanna draw another jailbreak!", like dude same 😔😔

Shirai says that the escape from the bunker felt close enough to a new jailbreak, but the sadness of knowing that Yuugo and Lucas would have had to die “overshadowed the joy of being able to draw an escape again.” (╥﹏╥)

Sugita thinks that since most of the adults of the story are selfish and filled with hatred, it was nice having Yuugo and Lucas as adults who were loving and caring towards the kids. I never thought about it that way, but it's actually a very sweet fact. Yuugo, Lucas and grandpa Alex for the best adults awards!!!

Shirai speds time complimenting Sandy's good heart and ability with the younger kids which has me (◍•ᴗ•◍)

Shirai actually addresses the matter of Lucas not having recognized that Minerva's voice in chapter 110 was too young to belong to an adult: he says that there was too much noise for Lucas to suspect the difference.

While Sugita had repeatedly asked Shirai and Demizu to make the series darker, he jokingly says that Andrew's face was overdoing it- Shirai remembers Sugita saying “It's too scary! The children will cry!” pffttttt

Sugita actually had Andrew's face at the end of chapter 110 censored because the original illustration was too gorish (the mangled half of Andrew's face was blurred)

Andrew survived the explosion by doing the opposite of what Yugo and Lucas did: using his subordinates as a shield.

This is such a cool fact yet I feel like I didn't want to know ಥ_ಥ

The initial plan was to have one of the children shoot (and supposedly kill?) Andrew, but “it was more satisfying to let him be eaten after he called the children "food" ”; I actually really like this detail. Shirai also says that thanks to the stray demon, Ray didn't have to become a murderer. Thank goodness! For once Shirai chose the non-traumatic way for Ray XD

The wild demon saying “uh” after eating Andrew is indicative of it gaining human intelligence. Said demon was supposed to reappear in his human form, but that plotline was ~once again~ discarded.

Shirai regrets not having named Andrew Bernard or Bell had him been female, both references to Tinkerbell. I love this!! Wish you had thought about it sooner @Shirai ahah

Vincent calling Norman "James" instead of "boss" in chapter 112 was him just being playful

Hayato "looks as a protagonist", since his design was taken from a resistance leader from a discarded plotline. Shirai's initial intention was to make him cool and serious, but Sugita suggested to make him kind of a fanboy of Emma's group to reflect how amazing they had become.

Sugita (jokingly) says he “used his absolute authority as the editor to make Anna and Ray interact”, since he likes them as a couple

During the serialization, Shirai used to calculate the timing of information release of both the SJ serialization and volume release so that magazine and volume readers could enjoy similar revelation simultaneously. Following that logic, he synchronized Norman's riapparence in the manga and the volume 12 “merry Christmas Vincent” to happen around the same time, which was also when anime season 1 started airing.

THIS Q&A:

Q: Why do Peter’s men wear sunglasses?

A: Because Peter-sama is too dazzling.

Shirai says the symbol on the back of Norman's Minerva cape is the crest of the demons who lived at the hideout. Though I'm not completely sure it was intentional, the choice of having Norman wear the robes of a demon while planning the eradication of demons is... Peculiar, and also kinda ironic.

Peter and Andrew are related!! Andrew too was born from a branch of the Ratri family.

Okay this matter is tricky, but I think it was actually explained how there's demons like Musica and Sonju's horse and the demon pigeons that won't eat human meat. Apparently as of this panel of chapter 103 (which is also one of the few things included in the anime, ahah)-

There's five different species of demons, one of which - fourth column - may have gone extinct. Out of these five species, only one includes humanoid demons, who thus are the only ones who need to eat humans in order to maintain their form.

Also the Demizu note at the end of the chapter is such an highlight:

How he [Shirai] never gives up. Till the last minutes, he keeps adding corrections. I really admire his belief, “I'll surely bring a better result than the last time”. This “I'll bring something better than last time” mentality is a huge thing. Usually, when I make corrections, I feel like maybe it was better the last time. So I always used to think it's best not to mess with my arts too much. But I changed my mind after seeing Shirai sensei. There were times I'd be surprised to receive a text message at 4 am (laughs) It made me worry if he was resting properly.

You have my heart Demizu-san 🥺🥺🥺

[nestable]

BRING IT ON HOME NESSIAN ONESHOT

Bring it on Home to me by Sam Cooke is on of my favorite songs in the word and I highly recommend you go have a listen if you havent heard it, I promise you wont regret it. I was listening to it the other day and instantly thought of how these lyrics resonated with nessian, cassian more especially and couldn't resist writing this fic. Just a little soft, SFW, domestic Nessian. 🥺😭

"Nes." Cassian groaned as he rolled closer to her side of the bed. "Nesta?"

After being met with stark silence, Cassian outstretched his hand only for it to collapse onto cold sheets.

No Nesta, he realized with a start.

Though he and his Nesta have been mated for some months now, all of which have been without an incident, he can't help but worry.

Each night he reassures himself with the knowledge of their bond, the heat of her body pressed against his own, the words of love and loyalty she ensures he hears everyday, that she is safe and finally happy.

Not miserable and balancing on the cusp of oblivion where he found her last year. Juggling between drowning her sorrows and indulging in sub-par sex just to feel something, just to deny the connection they share because she felt that she wasnt worthy of him. No, that was all over now, but he can't help when the memories resurface.

The memory of Nesta writhing and arched in her bed as silver flames wreathed her body like a shroud. The screams of pain and anguish that left her lips only to be swallowed by starless night and Deaths flames. How the very mountain trembled beneath their feet, bracing itself for the potential explotion that Cassian could sense building up. Somehow he knew that Velaris would've been crumpled to dust that night and become a fond memory. He felt it in his gut. Just the same way he felt her night terrors take hold of her for her powers to bask in centre stage. And in the same breath, he also felt that he could stop it. Whether that was pure male arrogance or the suspicion of the bond that lay between them, that was yet to be found. And it was...the moment her powers seized in intensity when he said her name. Once, twice, just enough for Rhys to gain control and save them all.

No, he would never forget that and he'd be damned if it were to happen again and catch him in a helpless position as the first time he witnessed the extent of her power. A power that mostly returned back to the Cauldron, only to be replaced by 3 Dread troves and the Mothers favour. A different sort of threat perhaps. One sweeter, kinder, even benign from what he's witnessed.

Nesta barely speaks about the power the same way she did with her Cauldron gifts. She reassures him that these were different, these she understands and smiled every time he enquired about her connection with the Mother. He wishes to know more, his body yearns for it, but his mate has always loved surprises.

Cassian threw on a pair of his undershorts before leaving his and Nestas new room. Though the House of Wind has become their shared abode, its ill advised to walk around naked with the possibility of Azriel becoming an unwilling spectator with his prowling around the halls in the dead of night like he's been doing for the past year.

Cassian loves his brother, sometimes more than kin normally do, he believes sometimes, but he'll never forgive him for that night he ruined his birthday night when he walked in on Nesta modelling her new negligee in the library. He's never jumped from one intense emotion to another so quickly. Blinded by the red lace of her silk garments only to see red of a different kind when the blue of Azriels siphon opened the door.

The territorial male part of him nearly took over that night and he was inclined to let it ride him had Nesta not winnowed them to their room and pushed him onto the bed. The anger, the curiosity he had as to how Nesta was able to winnow around the House when no one else could were obscured then turned insignificant by the view of Nesta sitting astride on his thighs.

Cassian followed the music swimming through the hall which brought him to a new lounge area that didn't present itself in the centuries that he's been living here until Nesta inherited the place.

Many new things have made their presence known and sprung to life since Nestas made the House her home. Hidden rooms have materialized, troves have opened and a gorgeous garden has flourished on the top of the mountain. As if in preparation of someone, or little someone's who might need it.

Cassian isn't blind to the fact that the House makes things available according to Nestas hopes, dreams and wishes. All of which make Cassian excited for the future and a forever with his mate even more.

Nesta was leaning against the cream white wall that she and Cassian painted just last night, holding an A2 canvas painting in both hands. He couldn't decipher her facial expression or read some of the wild thoughts that were evidently bouncing around her head as Nesta was inclined to raising her mental walls to him when she was stressed. He'd once asked why and she told him that she didnt want to plague him with her problems. Didnt want to bother him. Little did she know that Cassian was built for her, problems and all. Nothing about Nesta could bother him. Not even the parts that bothered her.

"Hi." He whispered which startled Nesta before she composed herself. For her to be so drawn into her thoughts that she didnt notice him approaching, instantly put him on edge him.

"Hi." She said, plastering a lazy smile onto her face.

Cassian took that as an invitation to enter. His eyes swept across the room, taking in the organized clutter. From the closed boxes filling the lounge, the half hung snow white gossamer curtains blowing in from the open balcony, to the slightly dusty white marble tiles that were installed just last week.

Cassian was a bit skeptical when Nesta told him of her plans to decorate this room in all white. White cushions, white couches, white walls, white flower arrangements, white chandeliers and white fur carpets felt like a fever dream to Cassian, but now that it's all coming to life, he can see the vision of beauty that Nesta had in mind. A vision not only limited to this lounge but the entire House of Wind that Nesta will decorate herself with the input of the House itself to revitalize the place. All of which will be paid for by Rhys.

How the Cauldron matched him to such a female, not mere female but god, he'll never know. All he can do is be grateful and work to be worthy and deserve the gift to draw breath in her presence.

Now that Nestas accepted her Human emissary role and is the courts newly appointed courtier, she's recieving the same fat salary like the rest of the IC, but Cassian doubts that Rhysand will ever let Nesta access her funds because he insists on paying for everything for her. Which goes to show that Rhys' gratitude for Nesta runs very far. Or guilt, or both.

What Nesta did for Feyre, Nyx and Rhys was something that couldnt be described with words. She saved their lives and in doing so the entire court. Rhys failed to tell his family about him and Feyres decision and never left a plan of action to follow after his death. Had he died, the role of High Lord could've fallen to anyone. Probably Keir or one of Mors detestable brothers because they are Rhys closest male blood relatives. What they would've done to Velaris, done to the entire court....Cassian seldom contemplates that. Nestas sacrifice and mercy saved them all and in doing so, opened herself to a higher form of being that is yet to be seen.

"What are you doing up so late?"

"I had a lot on my mind. I couldn't sleep so I decided to come and get this room in order." She explained, flipping her golden brown hair over her shoulder.

"What's been on your mind?" Cassian asked casually, taking a step closer.

He'd have embraced her and held her against his chest if it weren't for the massive painting in her hands. A painting that he can feel is the source of all her trepidation.

Nesta bit her lip before turning the canvas toward him and placing it in his hands. "Feyre finally finished that and it was delivered yesterday afternoon. I was too afraid to open it then- but I figured that I wouldn't be able to sleep until I saw it."

At first glance, anyone would assume that the muse was Nesta. From the steel eyes to the clear skin and poise in the pose. But upon further inspection, the age of the woman, the beauty spot beneath her right eye and slight darker tresses reveals the truth.

"This is your mother..." Cassian said lowly. The weight of the image, not the canvas itself but the obvious memories, pain and loss the painting held settled on him.

"Was." She uttered a bit sharply. Her throat bobbing up and down.

Cassians eyes darted between Nesta and the painting. Surprise and admiration pouring into him in droves. Her sisters did mention more than once that Nesta is their mothers spitting image, but this...it was as though the same person had been born twice.

"You stole her whole face." He chuckled, bringing a sweet curve to Nestas lip.

"I know...I know." She shrugged.

Cassian lay the painting carefully against the wall then wrapped his arms around his mates shoulders. Her own found their home around his waist as she rested her chin atop his chest so that their eyes could meet.

If it were a few months ago, a year, she would've furiously blinked away the tears that have settled in her eyes, or rejected their proximity entirely. Only to retain a semblance of control that shes strived so hard to maintain. But now shes opened herself to him entirely. Made him a part of both her happiness and pain, loss and gain, victories and failure. Just as their mating vows ordered.

"Talk to me." He whispered, dragging his fingers through her hair.

"I- I just...I know that my mother was not the best of mothers, nor did she love us in the ways that a mother should but....but that doesn't make me love her any less. She might've trained me instead of raised me, saw me as a ticket to wealth and leisure or lived vicariously through me but she was still my mother." Her tears fell down her cheeks as if a damn had been broken. "There were good moments as well as bad and I'm not going to pretend that she was never loving or good to me. Elain and Feyre might've forgotten her, but I can't... I wont."

Cassian lowered his head to press soft kisses to her cheeks where her tears left stains. "I know." He murmured. "You dont share the same memories as Elain and Feyre, it's only natural that you saw her much differently and remember her in a better light than they do." He rubbed feather light circles on the back of her neck in an attempt to assuage her from her pain.

"It broke my heart when I walked through Feyres house that day and didn't see a piece of myself or her. It felt like I was being erased, forgotten. Now I've found my place in that hall but she hasn't. I couldn't allow that to happen. I couldn't let her be erased just like that."

"And she wont be, not if you will it. I'll remember her with you." Cassians lips found Nestas and before they knew it, the couple found themselves descending into a deep kiss that only a mating bond could conjure.

"You know that's one of the reasons I love you?" He stated, to which Nesta replied with a raised brow. "Your compassion, your massive heart, your loyalty... these are all qualities that you motivate me to pursue everyday. You've kept your soft side hidden for a long time and now we're starting to see it." She smiled. By far the most beautiful sight he's ever seen. "That sweet love. Just bring it on home to me."

A giggle was shared between them as soon as the words left his mouth. The lyrics of a song, their song, that came on the day of their mating ceremony that they had on repeat for 2 hours straight. Cassian had never heard a song that spoke to him and his experience with love the way that one did. One that Nesta knew would speak to his very marrow and chose not to warn him in advance, only to see his reaction.

"You're insufferable." She said, only to hug him tighter and lay her head on his chest.

"Well then you're going to have to get used to it, Nes. We only have forever left together."

Just when Cassian expected Nesta to respond, the soft melody of a piano begun in the corner of the room from Nesta symphoniam, followed by the ever true lyrics that might've been written for them, that might as well have been their wedding and mating vows.

If you ever change your mind

About leaving, leaving me behind

Baby, bring it to me

Bring your sweet loving

Bring it on home to me

Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

Nesta begun the dance. Cassian followed with no hesitation. Though it was a far cry from the pulsating waltz they'd done in Hewn city or other court events thereafter. It was far more intimate, passionate. Just a sway of the hips and foot movements that reforged and strengthened the golden bond that surged through them on Winter Solstice and polished it to a shimmer. Their bond was not a mere tether, not a chain. It was a rainbow. Shimmering through storms and sunny days. It didnt only make its presence known or surge when they were in the throes of passion, it became more sentient when they were upset with each other. It was the musical and colourful road that led mate back to mate. Self back to self.

I know I laughed when you left

But now I know I only hurt myself

Baby, bring it to me

Bring your sweet loving

Bring it on home to me

Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

His heart cracked at the words and the truth they carry. The memories when they were so at odds with each other that they could barely be in the same room longer than necessary. The nights when he thought the immense sadness and grief at the prospect of losing her entirely would drown him and suffocate him. When he wished that he could rip his heart out of his chest only to get a reprieve from his anguish. Anguish he attempted to expunge with throwing himself into work and training only to realize that the further they moved from one another, the further they moved from themselves.

As if Nesta could hear and feel those memories, she held onto him tighter. This female, his tether to reality, his anchor, the tree that was able to weather a thunderstorm that left the land decimated only to come back and continue to grow with fruits and flowers on display for all to see.

I'll give you jewellery and money, too

That ain't all, that ain't all I'll do for you

Oh, if you bring it to me

Bring your sweet loving

Bring it on home to me

Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

Cassian knew that from the moment he met Nesta, there was nothing in the world that he wouldn't do for her. Nothing too out of reach that if she should request, he would give. He was already hers in mind, body and soul. Their bond might've snapped into being after she emerged from the cauldeon, but the draw he felt toward her was infinite. Like their souls were made from the same essence but placed on earth in different time periods so that they know life without the other, to appreciate being together more.

You know I'll always be your slave

'Til I'm buried, buried in my grave

Oh honey, bring it to me

Bring your sweet loving

Bring it on home to me

Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

Cassian held up Nestas hand so that he may look upon the wedding and mating band. She requested that she have both and went to the best jeweler in Velaris to fuse both choices so that they sit as one on her finger. Both were made of rose gold, the slimmer wedding ring was imbued with three tanzanite diamonds and the larger mating band sports just one giant diamond that would need it's own security team. Cassian knew his mate loved nice things and made him pay a pretty penny to get it. He'd do again if only to see the stars that twinkled in her eyes when they chose the bands at the jeweler.

He looked at his own jeweled finger. A simple silver band that stood out more than he expected it to. He wanted to get black carbon fiber but Nesta threatened not to speak to him again if he had. Now he can't stop looking at it. He loves how it makes an appearance even though he's bedecked in full illyrian armour. He'll never forget the swell of pride he felt when his soldiers eyes zoned in on the piece of metal that could've easily been obscured by the red siphon that rests atop his hand, but chose to stand out and make its presence known. A symbol of his immature bachelorhood dead and gone, giving life to a new stage in his life. A stage he's waited for longer than he cares to admit.

He remembers using the word 'shackled' when describing his mating bond with Nesta when he was upset with her, but now that word seems appropriate. If the pieces of metal sitting on their matching fingers are the shackles of which he spoke, then he'd wear his shackles with pride.

One more thing

I tried to treat you right

But you stayed out, stayed out at night

But I forgive you, bring it to me

Bring your sweet loving

Bring it on home to me

Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

Cassian rarely thinks about the time they spent apart. When resentment, self punishment and grief pulled them apart only because those memories are nothing in comparison to the centuries he spent without her.

Living life believing the words of the ignorant and seeing oneself as a inferior and undeserving of the love that he relishes in now. The love that has somehow wiped away centuries of self hate and lack of self awareness. He figures that the reason why he used to be the first to throw himself into deadly missions were all desperate plea to prove himself, to put it into stone that he isn't a mere worthless bastard but is someone worthy of respect. But now his outlook has completely shifted. He is no longer living only for himself, but for another. He remembers the blind terror he felt when he thought that Nesta was swallowed by the black water in the Bog, or how she screamed when she thought that she lost him on Mount Ramiel.

He doesnt want either of them to go through that again. To be without the other. To feel that their very heart was ripped out of their chest, when both had taken permanent residence in the other.

He saw how Feyre reacted when Rhys died, and heard when Rhys screamed when Feyre was on deaths doorstop. The mere thought of Nesta experiencing that pain or him has softened his daring heart.

He will live, he will love and he will do it with Nesta in his arms.

As the song drew to a close, Nesta shifted from her position on his chest, too look upon him again. She brought her slim fingers to his cheeks and smiled. "Forever."

He could offer nothing but the same. A truth that had been both a promise and a prayer from the moment they met, "Forever."

Tag: @bakingandbooks3 @rhysandsdarlingfeyre @arinbelle @silvernesta @darklobe @haepaw @carlieg20 @illyrianshadowhunter

[ellyzsx]

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me