#i wish i could write more andromeda fanfiction

[commanderogerss]

I need time to get up and get off the floor

Fanfic for MERWeek.

         Day 4: mass effect + andromeda AU. Describe or draw a moment the two universes collide. Shepard and the Ryder twins could be half siblings or cousins. Characters from both could be related somehow or friends. Maybe even The Illusive Man and Alec Ryder used to be friends and now hate each other. The sky’s the limit!

ship: Sara Ryder + Scott Ryder word count: 1,118 summary: Sara Ryder looks up to Shepard, and recounts her memories of the human Commander with her brother. 

          “Did you ever see Shepard?” Sara asks her brother.           There’s a silence the hovers between them. Background noise of other doctors and patients talking, but Sara sat next to her brother and watched, not waiting for a reply. And it’s not like he could give her a reply, he was currently in a coma SAM didn’t want to even suggest connecting again, but, maybe next time.           Sara sighed and looked at her brother, giving a soft smile. “I remember being there when they were accepted as a Spectre,” she says.

          There were murmurs about possibly a new Spectre joining the ranks, There were more mumurs around the humans wanting it to be one of them. Sara didn’t mind either way, but if a human Spectre was going to exist, she was already pretty stoked about it.           Sara docked into the Citadel after a days work searching for Prothean technology. She didn’t live on the Citadel, not anymore, the crew wanted to take a break and stock up for items at the Citadel, all Sara wanted was a drink honestly. But making her way from the wards to Flux before bumping into a Quarian.           “Sorry,” Sara says quickly before nodding her head.           “Do you know where to get to Chora’s Den?” she asks.           “Oh, yeah it’s just around the corner down the steps and then turn… right? It’s the one without a door,” Sara responds. She has lived here her whole life, but no matter what will still get directions wrong.           “Thanks,” the Quarian says.           Sara imagines that if she could see their faces, the purple Quarian would be smiling. “Stay safe,” she adds before nodding as the two depart ways.

          “I didn’t know at the time, but that was the first time I had met Tali’Zorah, the Quarian that Shepard had with them in their team. The one who exposed Saren,” Sara says with a smile. She looks at her brother for a moment, and he was still breathing, but still quiet.

          A few of Sara’s friends on the Citadel had her come to the Council Tower. Taking one big final gulp of her drink in the processes. She listens from one of the doors that’s locked.           “…the beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the conduit…” Spectre Saren’s voice comes in and out.           She can’t hear the rest of it, but Sara didn’t know Saren, only saw him in some promotional photos for the Spectres.           Eventually, they were let in. Sara makes her way to the front of the balcony and sees Shepard, Councilman Udina and Captain Anderson. Each council pressing in their data pads for a moment until the Asari Councilwoman speaks.           “Commander Shepard, step forward.”           Sara’s mouth goes into a wide grin, big enough to show teeth. It’s like when she would watch all the ships fly in and out of the ports. Shepard looked like they deserved the role already. Sara looks back for a moment to her friends who smile big.           “Can’t believe this is happening,” says one.           “I can! Took their time,” the other one says.           “It is the decision of the council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance Branch of the Citadel,” the Asari Councilwoman finishes.           “Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of services and battles, those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file,” said the Salarian Councilman.           “Spectres are an ideal, symbol, the embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will,” said the Asari Councilwoman.           “Spectres bear a great burden they are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defence, the safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold,” finally said the Turian Councilman.           Sara stares on as she watches the council speak to Shepard and talking about taking down Saren. Once the council finished everyone, though mostly the humans, begin to cheer.           “Come on, let’s go down there to meet Shepard,” one of Sara’s friends said.           “No, they’re probably too busy, don’t worry!” Sara says shaking her head, blushing slightly.

          Sara can’t help but laugh a little, with a bit of a snort. Some people give her a look, while others ignore her. The little medbay area was very clean, but very white. Sara wished there were more pops of colours than that and blue.           “I think I was more nervous than anything. I mean, they’re Commander Shepard, no drama… big drama, little bro, huge!”           A sigh escapes the young Pathfinder as she recounts the next memory.

          During the Battle of the Citadel. Sara was tasked with evacuating people rather than finding Prothean information. There were too many people trying to jump to the front of queue. Sara wasn’t too sure what was going to happen.           “SINGLE FILE, YOU’LL GET YOUR CHANCE!” Sara screams out over a megaphone so that others could hear.           Eventually she was able to get everyone out. But not everyone. There was chatter about a mother and her baby, Sara and one other alliance peacekeeper were the one to scope it out. Quickly making her way through the c-sec offices, there’s a few crashes and booms.           “Alliance peacekeepers, is there anyone out there?” Sara yells, with her squadmate repeating it a few moments later.           Until they find a woman holding onto a child in the corner. An Asari, with an Asari baby. Making her way over until once she found herself in the corner, before there’s some sounds of monsters. Sara isn’t too sure what they are, but she doesn’t really want to sit around and find out. The baby begins to whine, the Asari begins to open her mouth before Sara stops her.           “There’s something here, quick, I know some ways around,” she says with a smile.           The Asari nods her head before trying to quiet down her child.           Making their way over the tables that were shoved, they were able to surpass the few Korgans, eventually making their way back to where Sara was originally, but for a moment, Sara notices a large black ship nearing the Council tower.           “What the fuck is that?” Sara says, widening her eyes.

          “I didn’t know what it was, I still don’t. I think the council was saying it was a Geth ship. Which could be true…” Sara trails off.           Scott still hasn’t risen or done anything. Sara wasn’t really banking on anything major.           “I never ended up meeting Shepard, but it would��ve been really cool to see them, you know?” Sara says with a smile. “Though I wonder if Shepard would be proud of what we’ve done,” she adds.           “I think they would be.”

[drabsyo]

I was wondering...I was always confused about Narcissa’s hair. It’s been a while since I read the books. Did she color it blonde to show her now belonging to House Malfoys. Or was it naturally blonde? Movies confused me a bit I guess.

Yes, this had me confused too! I've agonized and toiled over it, more than I probably should, about how I should draw her hair because people have generally different views, which is totally understandable! 💕

And I've always wanted to discuss it, so now that I've been given a reason to... Well.

If you take a look at some of my Narcissa fanart, you'll notice the different ways I'd color her hair. I was so confused. Is she a light blonde? Dark blonde? A mix of raven hair and blonde hair? If she has blonde hair then why does her family have (mostly) dark hair? And WHY does she have blue eyes?! This woman is absolutely confusing! (Which is kind of, you know, fitting because Narcissa always loves to be a mystery to literally anyone lol)

So I did my homework, asked around, and scoured every bit of information, canon or otherwise, that I could find about her. It led me to this:

In canon, this is what the Black sisters look like. You can find the page here. Narcissa is a child here, and already has blonde hair. So we can go ahead and safely assume that she was born with natural blonde hair. But in the films, Narcissa has black and blonde hair. I don't actually know why they gave her that hair color, maybe so that the audiences wouldn't question her blood relations with the Blacks--I don't know. I really don't. But now we have a book version Narcissa, one who has full blonde hair. And a movie version Narcissa, one who has raven and blonde hair. At least, that's how the different hair colors started: a movie version, and a book version.

So... here's where it gets confusing.

To my knowledge, it isn't actually explained why her hair color is the way it is in both the movies and the books. Having blonde hair does raise many questions, how is she the "only" blonde in a family of dark hair and dark eyes? To top it all off, it gets even more confusing, because fanon writes and draws her either as a full blonde or a mix of raven and blonde hair. We just have this large pile to sift through of her having either hair color. No one actually explains anything. She's just... infuriatingly there. She's either blonde or raven haired and blonde. BUT fanfiction writers, as I've observed, give their own reasons why Narcissa's hair color is the way it is in their respective stories. And it's actually pretty creative and interesting! It adds even greater depth to her character, and it fits the narrative of the story even better. Remember, the character we're dealing with is Narcissa Black. One of her main traits is "she won't do anything unless there is a clear purpose behind it." This character is deliberate, meticulous, and she makes sure to plan ahead at all times. And so, some fanfiction writers decide to play on that.

You can skip this part if you want to avoid spoilers but I've compiled a small list of instances in (Cissamione) fanfiction where Narcissa's hair is mentioned.

🔹 In Extinction by rubikanon in Chapter 10: Build and Break, Hermione asks Narcissa about it. Here, Narcissa has black and blonde hair. She explains that she only decided to dye it blonde to "fit in with the Malfoys." We can gather two things from that alone, which resonates with her character perfectly: 1.) Narcissa is loyal and 2.) Narcissa purposefully wants to show the rest of the world how loyal she is by committing to having blonde hair. The woman has some serious commitment, and it shows. But now, the way that it's slowly growing back into her natural black hair color, hints that perhaps Narcissa no longer wishes to fit in with the Malfoys. However, if we take an even closer look, we can safely assume that Narcissa isn't the kind of person to just leave her hair color "unattended" like that. Remember, she's meticulous. And this is a big deal for her, the fact that she's just kind of letting it grow back instead of either fully dyeing it back to black, or dyeing it back to blonde. It suggests that perhaps she's a little unsure this time, perhaps it is her uncertainty that is the reason why it's now a mix of both. Another grey area? Or maybe it's actually something more deliberate? Maybe now, she likes that it's a mix of both. That other half now being solely for Draco, and not to fit in (completely) with the Malfoys any longer. Who knows why Narcissa does things the way she does? We can speculate to the ends of the earth, or be as smart as Hermione Granger (or with the case of Extinction, see Hermione's thoughts), but something tells me we'd still be a good step behind.

"Which one is your natural hair color?" I wondered aloud.

(Narcissa) She glanced up at the unexpected question. I was relieved she hadn't sensed my attention yet. It's not like I meant anything by it, I told myself. She was so beautiful, one couldn't help but notice. And feel physically drawn to her. And want to see her two-toned hair fanned across her back, slipping over the bare skin, silky beneath my fingers...

"Why do you ask?" Her query brought me back to reality, and I hurriedly corrected my imagination to include a pretty dress covering the rest of her.

"I don't know." I chewed the inside of my cheek, suppressing my other thoughts. "I'm just curious."

Her gaze returned to the fire. "You've seen enough of my relatives to guess which color is genetic. The blond is something I added to fit in with the Malfoys, after Draco was born." She was quiet for a moment. "He looks so much like his father. I suppose I wanted to share some resemblance."

🔹 In Killing Me Softly by Looktotheedges in Chapter 4: Nagging, Hermione suggests that perhaps Narcissa is part Veela because of her blonde hair and very attractive features, like Fleur. Which is this whole other theory/plot that's very interesting, but won't be discussed in this post. Narcissa tells Hermione that Sirius has always been blonde, and that it isn't out of the question for her to be blonde either. Sirius Black. A blonde. I know! Maybe it's there because it's funny that Sirius is actually blonde like Narcissa. Prissy, haughty, lady-like Narcissa. Arguably the 'girliest' cousin that he has. No, no, no. He doesn't want to be anything like Narcissa. Anyway, if that's the reason, I think that's hilarious and cute.

Narcissa turns away. 'I am aware my appearance is frightfully drab. Work has been…'

Hermione holds back a disbelieving scoff. 'Narcissa. You always look beautiful. And you’re talking to the witch with grass in her hair who practically lives in her office all week.'

Narcissa just leans further over the crib. 'A blonde little boy. It has been so long since… I can almost imagine…'

Hermione stands next to her. Looks down at the peacefully sleeping Louis. He does look remarkably like Draco. 'Are you sure there’s no Veela blood in you? You weren’t secretly switched at birth?'

'Like a changeling?'

'It would explain your blonde hair.'

'Sirius was also blonde, it is not completely out of the question for us Blacks.'

What?!

(...) 'I know. But it is the truth. He was blond until he was about seven… then it began to darken. Mousy. Dull. He wanted to look cool and brooding instead, so he got his hands on some kind of charm right before he set off for Hogwarts. A new, edgy Sirius. It was around then he forbade us from calling him Siri. Said it sounded too girly.'

🔹 In Fixed in Time by TheWorldsaBeastofBurden in Chapter 9: Sisters and Saviors, it's also tackled a little humorously. Andromeda let's a little comment slip while they're in the middle of trying to heal Hermione. Something funny, something that suggests Andromeda and Bella, when they were children, have always wondered why Narcissa is blonde unlike them.

The first words spoken occurred after they’d risen and attempted their casting. Andromeda’s preparedness to take on their task had been clear in her mind so Narcissa rose with her sister, wrapped an arm around her waist and held her near as the woman raised her wand to draw up the rest of the injury she’d dropped, half a slash across Hermione’s hip bone…

That remained half, as Andromeda growled out, “...it isn’t working.” she looked to Narcissa, “Why aren’t you powering me?”

What nonsense? “I am!” she insisted. She was! Or “I- I am trying to!” Her magic was active and alive, pulsing to rise from her skin and transfer into Andromeda’s but it- it wasn’t working! “Could...could it be that you were disowned?”

“Disowning doesn’t take away the fact that we share blood, our magic is directly related. Ugh, Bella always said you were adopted!”

“Oh ha- oh.”

“...oh?” Andromeda returned.

“...it’s not an issue of power. It is what I intend to aid in casting,” Narcissa slowly worked out. Oh, it was most blessed Mister Goyle could be brought to assist the present Hermione. If her present self had been brought to aid Andromeda? “...I cannot harm Hermione.”

Andromeda sighed with some frustration. “I understand you are so tenderly in love-”

“It isn’t- I’m avowed! I- when we arrived from the future we had to escape Malfoy Manor, I couldn’t bring Hermione through the wards without...I couldn’t add her directly, that would be visible. I had to...attach her permission to mine.”

🔹 In Glass Silence by Zarrene Moss (Menzosarres), which probably gives one of the most interesting backstories for Narcissa's hair, for why it's blonde. I can't put a clip of the scene here without hogging up a huge chunk of space on your dash, so I'll try to explain it as best I can instead.

Understand that these come with serious 🛑spoilers🛑 so please do read it at your own risk.

In Glass Silence, Narcissa's hair and eye color was black at birth. But after an accident with raw magic, something Bellatrix wasn't able to control when they were children, Narcissa almost dies. Bellatrix, using even more raw magic, tries desperately to pull Narcissa's "life force" back, but at the cost of losing the eumelanin that made Narcissa's eyes and hair black. Narcissa survived, but now has very little eumelanin left, which is why she's so pale, blonde, and has blue eyes. Every time Narcissa looks at a mirror, her reflection is a reminder of the day she almost died. Bella, on the other hand, is reminded of that day every single time she looks at Narcissa.

So! These are only a few fanfictions I could think of at the top of my head that tackles the issue of Narcissa's hair. In the books, to my knowledge, she is described as having blonde hair and very pale skin.

But let's take another deep dive, if you're up for it.

These are mostly theories, which are largely unconfirmed, but I think they're interesting to think about.

There's this description in the wiki:

"Narcissa Malfoy is described as tall, slim, "nice looking", and very pale, with blue eyes, long blonde hair, and a clear, cold voice. Her hair colouring thus differs from most of the House of Black, who generally have dark hair, though Narcissa does possess the arrogant good looks characteristic of her family."

There's also this pinterest photo of the Black sisters being compared to each other side by side, descriptively and physically. I'm so sorry, I don't know who drew it, but here's a link to the post on pinterest.

"Narcissa threw back her hood. She was so pale she seemed to shine in the darkness... long blonde hair streaming down her back."

Which is interesting because this hints that she's... different. It's a bit literal in this sense--she comes from a pureblood family, arguably the most influential and notorious one, the Blacks, who mostly have dark hair and eyes, and yet her physical appearance directly contrast that. There's also the matter of her namesake. She's the only Black to be named after a flower instead of a galaxy or a star. We aren't really given any explanation why she's the only one who's different. Even Sirius, who fought and died for the side of the Light, is named after the brightest star in the sky. Even Andromeda. It's been said that this is actually meant to be a parallel of some sort to Lily Evans. Narcissa and Lily are both named after flowers, even Petunia (Lily's sister). And I know there's this thing where it's a tie up to how Harry was ultimately saved by a mother's love: Harry lived at the beginning because of his mother's love, and Harry lives once again at the end of the books because Narcissa, a mother who wanted to save her own son, saved him.

If you read that scene in the books where Harry is saved by Narcissa, the whole scene is actually... pretty soft? There's that sort of disarming softness about Narcissa in that moment, where Harry expected to be callously dragged and prodded for a heartbeat. Instead, he gets a surprisingly gentle touch, a curtain of long blonde hair shielding him from the darkness, and the kind of tenderness he wouldn't expect from his enemies, "Is Draco alive?"

It's almost like Narcissa's appearance is something of a "tell". With Andromeda, she's described to have kind eyes, open, unguarded. She inherited her family's dark eyes and dark hair, and she even looks like Bellatrix's twin. I suppose we could say, Andromeda wants to fight that in any way she can by being openly kind. Narcissa is quite literally the opposite--guarded eyes, stoic expressions, cool and calculated emotions. We're veering into this fine line between fanon and canon in terms of their characterization (but only due to lack of canon materials) but personally, I think Narcissa having blonde hair and blue eyes is somewhat more fitting for her character. Again, this line:

"Narcissa threw back her hood. She was so pale she seemed to shine in the darkness... long blonde hair streaming down her back."

It's like that one glaringly obvious hint that everyone overlooks simply because... because it's the most obvious one. "Me! I'm different! I'm the last person you'd expect, but it really is me!"

Anyway. I've rambled on long enough. Hope this clears up some of that confusion, anon. Hoping it didn't ADD even more confusion... 😂 At the end of the day, this is just me speculating, gushing, and being One Big Fool™. So.

But either way, blonde hair, dark hair, mix of both, I adore her. Pretty much.

[thistlecatfics]

Fic Masterlist

Hello! I'm thistlecat on ao3. I've been reading Harry Potter fanfiction for 20 years (!!) and started writing in 2020. I find myself drawn to writing messy, dark, political, and niche fics and whatever I feel like is missing in fandom, but my interests are very much all over the place. The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black has most of my focus. 

** marks personal favorites

**Andromeda Liberata (160k+, M, Andromeda/genderbent!Ted Tonks, 3 part series)

In which Andromeda Black cruelly betrays her sisters and sets in motion the total destruction of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black because she fell in love with a lesbian muggleborn.

(do please mind the tags, particularly sexual violence, bigotry & prejudice, suicidal ideation, and alcohol abuse/alcoholism)

Book 1: Andromeda Vincta Catenis (6th year) - 77k, Complete

Book 2: Andromeda Ausa Ire (7th year) - 55k, Complete

Book 3: Andromeda In Bello (Graduation-1981) - 30k+, WIP

Bonus: maybe I would have been something you’d be good at (1.5k, Ted POV set during Ch 9 of Book 1)

Slash:

**Waxing Gibbous, October 1981 (6k, E, Remus/Fenrir, Remus/Sirius)

Remus cuts his soul open for monsters.

Copying Wandwork (1.5k, E, wolfstar + Peter)

Peter watches, and he copies.

Basiationes Non Latebrosae (Kisses Not Hidden or the Wolfstar Latin Fic) (500 words + English translation, T, Remus/Sirius) 

Remus et Sirius sunt amici et solum amici. Non plus. Fortasse?

A Rat in the Drawing Room (1.6k, M, Peter/Regulus for @wormtailweek)

Peter’s first task for the Death Eaters is a familiar one. He has years of practice watching over self-destructive Black men.

A Marriage Declined (1k, M, Remus/Sirius)

On top of the old oak desk, next to a stack of books on unions and promissory magic, crisp white parchment announced, “An invitation to the marriage of Lord Sirius Black to Lady Narcissa Black.” One drop of blood stained the white of the parchment, plotting out the “N” of Narcissa, two on the oak of the table, and then countless more on the rug.

**Alphard’s Favourite (5k, M, Peter/Sirius, past Alphard/Sirius, @blackcestfest)

Peter tries to find out why Sirius is so upset over Alphard’s inheritance. Then he tries to make sure Sirius doesn’t fall off the roof. Then he tries to ensure Remus doesn’t hear them.

Till Tomorrow and Till Death (11k, E, Regulus/Remus for @hprarepairfest)

Regulus, traitor to the Dark Lord, is given to the werewolves as punishment. Trapped and confused, Regulus wishes he knew if Remus is trying to help him or hurt him.

**rugby boys, they play 15s (4.5k, M, Flintwood for @quidditchfest)

Fifteen significant moments in Oliver Wood’s collegiate rugby career that did not make his highlight tape.

Creative Uses for Interior Design Charms for the Young Wizard, His Best Friend, and His Best Friend's Brother (1.2k, E, James Sirius/Albus Severus/Scorpius for kinkuary/shipuary)

Sometimes apologies come in the form of double penetration.

Starina (2.7k, E, wolfstar for @hpkinktober)

Sirius reveals more than planned during one of his drag performances. Remus has some choice words for him afterwards.

Femslash:

**you will burn right now but then you won't regret it (32k, M, Fleur/Tonks for @hpwlwbigbang)

Eight years after Voldemort’s defeat, as the illegal potions trade ravages England and the government intensifies lycanthropic restrictions in response, Fleur and Tonks join forces to uncover corruption in the Ministry.

As they discover a scandal deeper than they could imagine, Fleur contends with her complex legal status, Tonks contends with her mother, and they do their best to avoid contending with their feelings for each other.

**Icarus (20k, M, Pansy/Parvati/Millicent for HP Triad Fest)

A year after the war, Parvati runs into Pansy and Millicent at a club in Ibiza and finds herself embedded in their debauchery. None of it’s healthy, and it works until it doesn’t.

Icarus Before the Fall (2k, M, Pansy/Millicent)

August after the Battle of Hogwarts, as most of the Slytherins gather together in the Nott Castle, trying to find ways to forget, Millicent worries about Pansy’s new liquid love.

A prequel, unfortunately, as much as Millicent attempts to convince herself otherwise.

if you built yourself a myth (7.5k, E, Dorcas/Narcissa for Rare Pair Fest)

To celebrate completing her potions mastery, Narcissa goes to tea with Dorcas at the Ritz. A fight, a fuck, and a flight ensue on this unexpectedly busy day.

Taken by the Mountains (3k, E, Bellatrix/Marlene)

Marlene was just supposed to get intel on Bellatrix in London. So why is Bellatrix naked in her arms in a marble mine in Norway? And why oh why is Marlene thinking about kissing her?

Only One Bed at the Three Broomsticks

 (2k, M, Andromeda/Augusta for Sapphic Bingo)

Andromeda drinks only one day a week, when she doesn't have Teddy to look after, because she is a responsible grandmother and certainly not an alcoholic. Getting too drunk to Apparate home is expected. The presence of Augusta is not.

**Acting Out (2k, M, Molly/Narcissa for shipuary/kinkuary)

Narcissa’s to-do list for the evening: -Drink enough champagne she forgets she ever had more than one sister. -Make someone cry. (Does not count if it’s herself.) -Be told she is the most beautiful woman at the party. (Preferably by multiple people.) -Have sex that would scandalise her parents. (If they would even pay attention.)

Two Quaffles Pub (9k, M, Cho/Ginny for @hpqueerfest)

Witch Weekly’s Dating Tip #7: On a first date, stick to topics such as hobbies, family, and interests. Avoid topics such as the war, former lovers, and politics.

Or, Ginny and Cho meet at a gay bar.

Narcissa’s Kindness (3k, M, Narcissa/Lily for febuwhump/shipuary/kinkuary)

In order to protect Lily from the Death Eaters, Narcissa offers her a version of kindness.

Like Fiendfyre (1.5k, T, Hermione/Pansy for @careofmagicalshippers Fall Fest)

"She apologizes, and maybe it’s the shock that Pansy Parkinson actually apologized for something (as if Pansy had done anything other than apologize for her existence for the past five years), she agrees, and Pansy is frightened by the thrill of hearing Hermione Granger say yes."

Blackcest:

what if he's written "Mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind? (1k, E, Sirius/Regulus) for @torturedpoetsflashfest 

Regulus and Sirius are brothers. Regulus and Sirius are no longer brothers.

Or, a culmination of fatal fantasies.

**Bellatrix Black: An Elegy (5k, E, Bellatrix/Andromeda, /Cygnus, /Rita Skeeter) for @blackcestfest

Bellatrix Black Lestrange was survived by her husband, sister, nephew, and me, whatever I could be considered, if I could even be considered someone who survived her.

**Nymphadora, Nymphet (20k, M, Bellatrix/Tonks) for @womenofthehouseofblack

Dear Nymphadora, I’ve been informed of a temporary Defence professor this year, and you may have gathered she is (was) my sister. Be careful. If she attempts to harm you in any way, report straight to Professor Sprout. We shall talk more at Christmas; it may be time for you to learn more about my side of the family. Please watch your potions work – I know you can do better than last year. -Mum

A Swan’s Son (Or, Caring for Bellatrix) (7.5k, E, Bellatrix/Cygnus, Bellatrix/Andromeda, Bellatrix/Sirius) for @hpcestfest

Cygnus will have a son - even if it means killing his wife and dosing his daughter with arousal and fertility potions until she gives him one. But an inclination towards murder and incest runs in the Black family, and Cygnus isn’t the only one with ideas.

**Duty (2k, M, Regulus/Sirius, Regulus character study)

Regulus knew what a duty was.

Reenactment (9k, E, Andromeda/Narcissa/Hermione for @careofmagicalshippers Fall Fest)

Hermione has an idea to stop her nightmares. To her surprise, both Andromeda and Narcissa agree.

Helpless (2k, E, Sirius/Narcissa for kinkuary/shipuary/febuwhump)

At a party, Sirius is immobilised after being hit by one of his mother’s curses. Narcissa… helps.

Blood Is Rare and Sweet (8k, E, Andromeda/Bellatrix for @femmefest) 

In the spring of 1979, Bellatrix began sending Andromeda messages in the bodies of members of the Order of the Phoenix.

no sound, only me and my disgrace (2.8k, E, Andromeda/Bellatrix)

(An alternate version of ch 5 of Andromeda Ausa Ire.) During the Christmas holiday, Bellatrix takes her drunk sister to bed. Andromeda asks her to stay.

wedding dress (1.6k, E, Andromeda/Bellatrix)

Bellatrix goes with Andromeda for a wedding dress fitting.

‘I only bought this dress for you to take it off’

Gen:

Cygnus’s Failure (3k, T, gen for @siriusblackfest) 

In December 1981, Cygnus tries, and fails, to get his nephew out of Azkaban.

Multi/Other:

**Family Legacy (1.6k, T, Tedromeda + Remadora + Teddy/Victoire for @hptransfest) 

Three generations of trans/nonbinary/gender questioning Tonks-Lupins.

Het:

Silent Garden (1.3k, T, Daphne/Theo for @hp-flowers)

Daphne stopped speaking one year, two months, and three days after the war ended.

Drabbles:

Angsty (Sometimes Sexy) Vibes-

She's the Albatross (She's Here to Destroy You)

 (313 words, Narcissa-centric, T)

First Death/First Kiss (700 words, Merope/Myrtle, T, ghost kiss)

**the kind of radiance you only have at seventeen (300 words, Dorcas/Druella, M, age gap)

Ensnared (700 words, Amelia/Emmeline, first war angst)

Ravenous (200 words, Bellatrix/Lily, vampire AU)

A Bouquet Not Made (200 words, Narcissa/Lily, soulmate angst)

The Third Universe (400 words, Remus/Sirius, Bring Back Black)

Abandoned (100 words, Helga Hufflepuff/Salazar Slytherin)

School Discipline (200 words, Daphne/Theo, torture) 

Dorcas’s Tattoos (200 words, Dorcas/Andromeda, MCD)

Impact (200 words, James/Regulus, MCD)

Wedding Invitation (100 words, Percy/Oliver, homophobia)

**No Rescue (500 words, Bellatrix/Hermione/Narcissa, torture & sexual assault)

Bloodflows (500 words, Pansy/Daphne, DV not between P/D)

Delirium (500 words, Katie/Alicia, sex trafficking & addiction)

Intelligence (100 words, Narcissa-centric gen) 

Fun (Sometimes Sexy) Vibes-

Instructions for a Stable Boy (600 words, Remus/Sirius, aristocrat AU)

Eager (300 words, Astoria/Narcissa, Mommy Dom)

Morning (300 words, Pansy/Ginny, top/brat)

**Lately She’s Been Dressing for Revenge (300 words, Rita/Marietta, NYE)

The Prop Closet (400 words, Remus/Sirius, celebrity AU)

Vulnerability (200 words, Cho/Ginny, explicit consent)

Sculpture (100 words, Pansy/Millicent, daddy kink)

Beefcakes (100 words, Dudley/Greg, Olympics AU)

Dormitory Living (100 words, Fred/George/Oliver, face-sitting)

Pet (500 words, Fleur/Tonks, pet play)

A Happy Accident (350 words, Angelina/Fred, tentacles)

**A Farewell Letter (500 words, Remus/Sirius, humor)

**Height Difference (437 words, Remus/Sirius, absurdity) 

Dog Star in the Sun (200 words, Remus/Sirius, vacation fluff)

Anything for Our Captain, or, What Else Are Beaters For? (518 words, Oliver/Fred/George for @careofmagicalshippers Fall Fest)

Good Chat (200 words, poly marauders Love Island AU for @hpkinktober)

Meta:

Fanfiction as an Arts-Based Trauma Therapy Modality (3k)

The benefits and potential limitations of utilizing fanfiction as an arts-based trauma therapy modality when compared to traditional narrative therapy. (Modified from an academic paper in a graduate social work program.)

Talking about Incest in Public (tumblr post)

What being an incest survivor means and how fanfiction, amongst other things, helps me heal as an incest survivor.

A League of Their Own:

Pop Fly and the Peaches (3k, Jess/Lupe/Reader, E)

"To be a queer means experiencing desire greater than terror, and you – no denying it now with her pleasure on your lips – are a queer."

[the-marsh-harrier]

Who was Orion Black? (Pt 7) Orion Black x Female!Reader

A/N: Now, I am fully prepared to lose readers over this chapter in particular as it is a very different narrative than the typical as to how and why Sirius ran away. I have been researching about children in physically abusive homes and this lead me to the conclusion that it was unlikely that Sirius would've left his younger sibling in that environment especially as he was taking the brunt of whatever was going on. This lead me down the root of instability in childhood - especially early teenage formative years, emotional neglect, and potential verbal abuse which seemed to align more with what we already know of Sirius. Whatever Sirius experienced, it was not okay and I am not minimising the lived experience of anyone that has experienced abuse or neglect of any kind. Abuse is abuse. I stand by what I have said the whole way through, that if you don't like what I include in my fanfiction then please write your own. JKR's bigotry and opinions are not welcome here nor supported.

Warning: themes of abuse

Masterlist Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 (Part 7) Part 8 Part 9

Everything

Sirius had spent the last three weeks on the streets as a dog. He didn’t care about anything now; his whole world came crashing down when he saw those pictures. Before he left, he checked the financial records in his father’s office, and it was true… he had been sending Fleamont money for years – there were even entries that were for things that Sirius never needed or received. He felt disgusted and used. He went to the streets for some familiarity in the cold, wet November nights. His birthday came and went without fuss or concern. He had set up outside a café that he and James used to go to, the man that ran the kitchen took pity on the old dog in the alley out back so used to feed Sirius the scraps at the end of the day and bring him out a cup of tea in a bowl. Sirius knew he had to go back home soon though as Harry would be coming in a few weeks.

He had decided to visit Remus before taking to the streets to vent about what he had learned about his father’s life and the Potters. To his shock, Remus knew about Orion sending money to Fleamont as James had told him but begged him not to tell Sirius. Remus had tried to explain what a difficult situation it was for him to be in afterwards, so Remus pulled away from Sirius slightly as a result. Then when Sirius let slip about Remus being a werewolf, it took everything he had not to tell Sirius the truth. As much as he wanted to, Remus understood the pain that a secret can cause so he kept it to himself. Sirius was starting to lose faith in everyone he once trusted but Remus reassured him that everything was going to be okay and that the Potters really did care for him. Try as he might, Sirius wanted to believe it… but he couldn’t and so he left.

The time alone had given Sirius time to consider everything that led to him running away at fifteen after his worst argument with Walburga. See, Sirius had grown up in a very strict environment with high expectations and was treated as more of a trophy than a child in his earlier years. It didn’t bother him for a long time, this is how all the mothers in the family treated their children; whose child learnt to walk first, whose child was furthest with their studies before Hogwarts, and so on. It fell on the other children in the family to see each other as more than an accomplishment. He used to always ask to spend time with his cousins because that was the only time, he could leave the house. Sirius received the most acceptance from his cousin Andromeda, he remembered when he was younger wishing Andromeda could be his mother instead of Walburga.

He had a vivid memory of the first time he went to his cousin’s house after Andromeda had left. He went running up to Andromeda’s room to find the room locked with no noise on the other side. Sirius found Narcissa who told him Andromeda had gone away now, she had a new life without them and didn’t want them anymore. This was Sirius’ first-time feeling rejection and later betrayal as when he was older, he realised Andromeda had been disowned and that he was lied to for all those years.

The isolation in his family home was unbearable. You’d think growing up in London would’ve been better with all the people around, but the problem was the majority were muggles. Living amongst muggles would’ve been better if Walburga and Orion weren’t so frightened of them. It meant that leaving the house was restricted by any other means than Floo. The protective charms of 12 Grimmauld Place only increased as Sirius got older and even more so after he made friends at Hogwarts. Sirius began to ask to go out and play with his friends during half terms and school holidays, but he was denied and told not to be so foolish – mainly by Walburga- so, Sirius started to sneak out more. This is when the arguments started to get out of control.

Sirius was the first to admit that he gave as good as he got with his mother. Every argument would eventually lose meaning and became a contest of who could shout the loudest… the first of many peaks was during the Christmas break of his third year. Sirius was fourteen when he threw a spell as Walburga for the first time in a fit of anger. He was sent to his room and the next morning he was sent to live with his grandparents Pollux and Irma Black for the remainder of Christmas break. Pollux and Irma were surprisingly kind to Sirius. Pollux would often remark how Sirius had the temperament of a Black and how he felt sorry for Orion to have to hear Walburga argue with the male version of her teenage self. Whilst Sirius was living with them, he could come and go as he pleased, providing he stayed out of trouble. If trouble came knocking, it would be Sirius who would fall on his backside and he wouldn’t drag the family down with him. After the scandal of Cygnus becoming a father at thirteen, Pollux wasn’t prepared for another surprise.

When Sirius returned to school, Sirius assumed he would go back to live with Pollux and Irma for as long as he wanted… at least Pollux had told him he was always welcome, he just had to write first. This is exactly what Sirius did for the next year – he went to stay at his grandparents for every break of his fourth year without issue. James could come to stay, and Sirius could stay with James for a few days at a time. Sirius found his acceptance again but that didn’t last long. The Summer before they were due to go into fifth year, he wrote and asked Pollux if James Potter could stay for the whole summer along with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew; he received a swift response stating James was welcome, but the other two boys were ‘school friends’ who weren’t welcome in their circle. Sirius was faced with rejection again.

The day before they were due to depart on the train home, Sirius received a letter from his great-aunt Cassiopeia – a spinster– explaining he and his friends were welcome to stay with her in Inverness for the summer should they wish. She had two spare rooms they could split themselves across. Great-aunt Cassiopeia had strict rules and curfews which had to be adhered to, but the group of boys didn’t mind as they weren’t unreasonable. It was the first summer Sirius had been allowed to do what he wanted, within reason; that was until the first full moon. Cassiopeia refused to have the boys stay any longer after watching Remus transform. The boys were sent home and Sirius was back at 12 Grimmauld Place again… embarrassed and angry and forced back into the role Walburga wanted him to play.

In the year Sirius had been away, Orion’s drinking had improved slightly. By now, Sirius couldn’t remember a day where he didn’t see his father drink alcohol and that was still the case - it just wasn't as extreme as it had been previously. It didn't last long, however; in fact, it got worse the longer Sirius inhabited 12 Grimmauld Place, a year older and with more freedom than possible – the stress caused Orion’s drinking, somehow, progress even further than it had before. He would get drunk and scream at Walburga for forcing his son away, or he'd cling to Sirius until the early hours of the morning - or until he passed out - begging him not to leave again. He’d add more protection charms to the house muttering about keeping ‘his boy��� at home. The night before Sirius was due to leave for Hogwarts, Orion threatened to write to the Headmaster and withdraw Sirius from school. Sirius sat with his father until he passed out, packed his things, and fled to his uncle Alphard’s house for the night so he could leave for school the following morning. Orion didn’t wake up until the afternoon the next day and sent Sirius a drunken howler that he didn’t open until he ran away a year later. Sirius spent Christmas alone at Hogwarts that year.

The summer of 1975 was the last straw. He had ended up in an argument with Walburga about sneaking out and going to a muggle disco with James and Peter and it just reached a new level.

***

“You had me worried sick! You cannot keep doing this Sirius! This is the sixth time you’ve snuck out in the last two weeks!” Walburga screeched.

“You just don’t want me to grow up. You want me to be like Lucius Malfoy, don’t you? A pretentious pr*ck. Or how about Odis Crabbe? Too dense to think for myself!” Sirius screeched.

“I want you to realise how dangerous what you’re doing is! They’ll kill you! Those two will be the death of you, boy! They’ll only get you into trouble.” Walburga rebutted.

“They’re my friends. They’re more of a family than you are. You heartless cow!”

“You will not speak to me like that! I raised you! I raised you better than this! Five years you’re out of this house and look at you! School marks dropping! Kicked off the quidditch team for poor behaviour! Running around with half-breeds that will kill you quicker than you can say stupefy!” Walburga continued. “You’re an embarrassment! You have no idea what I gave up raising you! None! And this is how you treat me! You’re making your father worse by the day with all the letters we receive from ‘concerned professors’ because of how you are behaving in class. You are not behaving as a Black does!”

“Oh, here we go! The Gryffindor speech again.” Sirius began to imitate Walburga. “If you had been sorted into Slytherin, you’d have proper examples of how a man behaves.”

“If you keep up with this, you will not be returning to Hogwarts after this summer. Your father’s friend, Vincent Rosier, has offered to sponsor you to attend Beauxbatons if your behaviour over the summer does not improve.” Walburga replied smugly.

“I’ll just get expelled and sent back here then or I’ll stay there with Vincent and you’ll never see me again!” Sirius growled back through gritted teeth. Sirius could see Walburga grinding her teeth as she glared at the teenager.

Sirius heard his father’s study door open behind him but didn’t turn around to see him; he was too distracted by the intense stare-off he and Walburga were engaged in. “What is going on out here?” Orion's deep voice reverberated through the house from the study doorway, Sirius refuse to make eye contact with him. “Sirius, what is going on?”

Sirius went to speak still not looking at Orion but was cut off by his father. “You will look at me when you speak.”

Sirius slowly turned his head toward his father. Orion looked characteristically dishevelled, his hair showed evidence of being pulled and tousled, his jaw and upper lip were darkened with a thick layer of fast-growing shadow with small scarred patches breaking their way through, and his shirt wrinkled and half-untucked from sitting at the piano all day. His shirt sleeves were rolled to the elbow and his top button undone allowing a portion of his chest hair to protrude through the gap. The smell of whiskey and port clung to him like a permanent cologne, as if he had consumed so much that he was sweating it at this point.

“She wants to send me away again. To France this time. If she sends me away this time, it’s the last time you’ll see me.” Sirius’s voice softened when talking to his father. He knew that Orion wouldn’t allow this.

Orion’s head snapped towards his wife, eyes dark and tinted with the glaze of whiskey. “You’re not sending my boy anywhere.”

“If he keeps sneaking out to party with muggles, I will. Getting in their cars and going to Merlin-knows-where doing Merlin-knows-what. Orion, he’s out of control.”

Orion's head snapped back down toward the boy before him, his gaze was somehow even darker. “You’ve been doing what?” Orion hissed at the teenager.

Walburga continued. “This isn’t the first time, not even the first time this summer holiday.”

Orion’s eyes burned into the boy. Sirius swore if his father wanted to, he could’ve killed with that look – no one could send a chill through a soul the way Orion could with just a glare. “Is it true?”

“Dad, I just want to have a little fun over the holidays. I didn’t get in anyone’s car though, she’s lying.” Sirius knew Orion was very sceptical of cars but never knew why.

Orion didn’t know what to think. Thoughts hazy and anxiety levels spiked – all he could see was red. “If that is the case, why do I feel like you’re both lying to me?” Orion's eyes began to dart between Sirius and Walburga. “Why do I feel like you’re both telling me parts of the same story but not the full thing?”

Sirius jumped to answer before Walburga. “I’m telling the truth, dad. I didn’t get in anyone’s car tonight.”

As soon as the work ‘tonight’ left Sirius’s lips, Orion’s eyes locked onto him with an intensity that he had never seen before. “You what?” Orion whispered dangerously. “Tonight? Just tonight?” Orion’s voice was starting to raise. “You mean to tell me that you have gotten into cars with muggles you don’t know on other occasions?!” Orion was shouting by the end of his question. Sirius just stood there with his mouth open as Orion continued. “You got in one of those death traps with a muggle! With multiple muggles?! Are you stupid, boy?! You’re not even sixteen yet, what business do you have inside a muggle’s car?”

Sirius didn’t know how to respond. He just kept switching between looking at Walburga and Orion. There was no winning this.

“The Potter boy. He’s close with one of the muggles.” Walburga said.

“Potter.” Orion spat the name out like it was venom.

“No, dad. It’s not James’s fault. I chose to get in.” Sirius blurted out.

Orion was staring blankly ahead of him, chewing on his lower lip. His chest and shoulders heaved with every breath as he tried to remain calm. Orion knew he couldn't argue tonight, he was exhausted and this conversation was going to go nowhere anytime soon. All he knew was that if this continued, he would say something he'd regret later. “Get out of my sight, boy; before I say something I regret. It’s late. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” Orion's voice had reduced in volume but the tension it held was still very thick. “You will stay here, in the house, until you can be trusted again. You can’t be trusted.”

“You’re letting him get away with it AGAIN!” Walburga shrieked. She was furious, Regulus would never get this many chances if he were to make a mistake.

“Tomorrow, we will talk about this. I will not live with you two constantly ripping into one another.” Orion insisted as he looked at Sirius with softer eyes, one hand on the young man’s shoulder. Sirius nodded at his father. “Right then, get to bed.” Orion patted his son’s shoulder as Sirius let out a breath, he didn’t realise he was holding in before turning to walk up the stairs.

“No!” Walburga shouted. “Not again. You’re not getting away with this again.” Walburga drew her wand.

“Walburga, what do you think you’re doing?” Orion’s voice became very possessive as he summoned his wand with a click of his fingers.

Walburga shook her head, tears of frustration brimming in her eyes. “Not again, Orion.” She made her way into the parlour where the family tapestry was. Orion went charging after her with Sirius in tow. Walburga exhaled slowly out of her nose, her anger replaced with ice-cold resolve as she looked at Sirius. “You know what, Sirius? I give up. I sent you to live with my father to give you the freedom you wanted outside of the city and you insult him by asking for half-bloods to stay under his roof. We arrange for my aunt to have you and all your friends for the summer, but you neglect to let any of us know one of the half-bloods is actually a half-breed! Not just any half-breed – but a bloody werewolf! So, on the behalf of the family, I am saying we have had enough of you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius barked back.

“I have put all this effort into a boy that is not even my son.” Walburga said coldly.

“What?” Sirius stammered out.

“Careful, Walburga.” Orion warned.

“You heard. You are not my son.” And with that, Walburga turned to the family tapestry and pointed her wand at Sirius’ picture.

“Mother, what are you doing?” Sirius was suddenly very nervous.

“Walburga, stop this now!” Orion called out, panic finding its way into his tone. Orion could feel Sirius’s pleading eyes flitting between his father and Walburga.

“I’m sorry.” Walburga whispered, eyes locked with her husband before turning her head slightly to look at Sirius. He was staring at her in complete disbelief - eyebrows furrowed, mouth slightly agape. “Mum, what are you going to do?”

“Incendio.” Walburga whispered, her tone like ice. Her eye locked on the boy as he watched his own face burn off the tree. She almost felt bad, looking at how hurt he was but she was exhausted. These arguments hadn’t just been with Sirius. Everyone had been telling her to either sort the boy out or get rid of him. She had witnessed what her older brother, Cygnus, thought ‘sorting out’ was when Bellatrix started asking too many questions and was too young to be removed from the family – the girl was never the same again.

“No!” Orion ran to the tapestry, trying to put out the small blaze with his hand. “What have you done, you daft b*tch?” Orion's voice was full of panic and desperation. “You know this can’t be undone. Once burned, they can’t be retrieved!”

Walburga had turned her back to Sirius so she could see Orion putting out the flames. The tears she was holding in were spilling down her cheeks, flowing freely. Despite the overwhelming regret, she felt relief which would later taunt her as guilt.

Upon hearing Sirius hum, she turned her head around toward him to see he had drawn his lips into his mouth and began to slowly nod; he had done this since he was a child when he was stressed or anxious. She expected him to fight back, scream, and break things in the house but instead, he just accepted it… that was when Walburga’s gut dropped. He briefly looked at the floor before meeting her gaze with the same dark glare he had inherited from his father. “I’ll collect my things and be gone by the morning.” Sirius’s voice was quiet but deafening at the same time.

***

It was the final betrayal, the final nail in the coffin… leaving wasn’t easy, Orion had tried stopping him. Unpacking his bags with magic, stopping Sirius in his tracks, both magically and physically. Orion was begging Sirius to stay – it was the first time Sirius had seen his father cry mostly sober. Sirius didn’t say goodbye to anyone when he left. Orion was a crumpled mess on the stairs and asking where Sirius was going to go. He was going to stay with the only family he had left… and even they were hiding things from him in the end.

His time as the back-alley dog was done. He needed Walburga to answer his questions. He needed a sober mind for it and he was now fully detoxed. It was now or never.

[leftenant-sinani]

Tales from Grudgewill - Love of Our Lord  Chapter 1

For some time now... i was thinking that maybe i should send my newest piece  here. “Love of Our Lord”. Its basically a story about Lord Valnin (Not Uy-Mal Dzerma but Trildyn, because its alternate universe) dealing with his most recent problems like diplomacy, plague or love. The universe ive created is called “Grudgewill”, a fantasy universe based on Elder Scrolls, WarCraft, Dragon Age and perhaps a little on Warhammer Fantasy. I will send details about it later, but for now.. heres this little FanFiction ive made. This is just first chapter, i have second ready and im working on the third one, its going to be a long way. And i want to thank @avengercommander and @witharsenicsauce for inspiring me to do this, for helping me with writing and also for being very good friends, i cannot thank them enough for either. Anyway, i hope you will like it. ;)

Note : Almost all of the Valnin's lovers are characters taken from other games, most importantly Mass Effect : Andromeda and XCOM 2 : War of The Chosen, you can Google them, so you will know how they at least look like, for the Trio of Masters, Google up XCOM 2 Chosen. As for the Valnin himself, just Google up a Dark Elf from Elder Scrolls series, if you want some picture in particular, he would look like this most probably : cdnb.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/016/494/335/large/shamine-king-portrait-practice-adana-02-da.jpg?1552379572, Art by Shamine King And i know this is a huge crossover thing, and in my official lore this will not be a thing, but hey, i started this story when i was drunk and i want to finish it, so i don't care anymore. smileyface  Also, please excuse the grammar mistakes, english is not my first language, but i am trying my best.

Chapter I : First Things First

Lord Valnin was in difficult situation right now. He had no idea what to do first. The two other rulers of Icestand required his help with the plague in their regions, half of his army was demoralized because of this undead menace that was coming from the South, and there was also this most difficult choice, he would have to make... to choose one of his loyal companions, who would share their life with him until the very end of all things, despite the sad fact most of them will not live as long as Valnin. The Lord dropped into his  chair, thinking about what to do, but all he wanted, was peace and quiet for at least a day or two. His blood red eyes focused on the rise of sun, its beams already touching Valnin's light blue skin. "Sometimes... I wish I didn't accept Watcher's offer. It surely would be easier than having to rule a kingdom" He said quietly to himself, so no one would hear him. As he continued to watch the dawn, his mind came with an idea after a minute. "First things first, I have to deal with this little love problem. After all, it's the closest problem I have here" He told himself quietly again. But then he frowned a little, as he was thinking about who to take. He couldn't think of who to choose. After all, he loved them all equally. He knew that having six lovers would be a bit crazy, but after all, no one was stopping him from doing so, unless one of them would disagree. "Hmm... It is an insane idea, Valnin, but you know you just cannot choose between them, you would then feel bad for the rest" He said with a bit of a louder tone this time. He then realized it, and stayed quiet for at least ten seconds, hoping that no one heard has him. Silence. He sighed a sigh of relief. He then felt odd, as he realized that he was pretty paranoid about all this. "Being a ruler will kill you one day, Trildyn" He told himself again in quiet tone.

It was a normal day in Third Kindgom of Icestand. Valnin's experts, soldiers and servants were doing their standard routines, and all the work he had was tons of paperwork again. It wasn't really easy for his mental health, since he had a lot of problems of his own, and yet, he still had to deal with things in his own kingdom, in kingdoms of his co-rulers  and also with things from other provinces and most of all, the Emerald Empire. It surely wasn't boring but more like irritating. Doing all the same things all over again despite the fact they should've been done already can be really mind-bothering. It took almost three quarters of the day to get all the formal things done. The Lord was sitting in his throne, his palm on his left cheek, enjoying the peace he finally got for the rest of the day. He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about what he should do now that everyday's work has been done. His thoughts were interrupted by a voice of his runner who just got here "Your lordship, i hate to interrupt you, but Lord Arput II and Lord Voltor-Kal requested your presence in three days in Second Kingdom's capital". Valnin's face then shaped into annoyed expression, he sighed "Very well, tell them i'll be there, my servant". The runner bowed, and was on his way again. The Lord shifted in his throne again as he wanted to continue to think, but he couldn't. Something was keeping him from it. He got up, straightening his long black hair and then he thought about that he could visit one of his companions. But who? That was the question...

Captain of the Royal Security, Jaal Ama Darav, was just preparing to get out of his armor and head to his quarters, when suddenly someone knocked on the door. "Stars, what is it now?" He said under his breath. He cleared his throat and said just loudly enough so the person behind the door could hear him "Come in". He then checked his desk if he didn't forget anything while he heard the door open "I sincerely hope this is important. I had a long day, and I want to-" He stopped in the mid of his talk when he looked at the person who just came in. It was Lord Valnin, kindly smiling, his red eyes barely recognizable in the dim lights. "Oh, my Lord, I apologize, I didn't know that it was you" Jaal said with concerned voice. The Lord continued to smile, then he calmly said "Don't be so worried, Jaal. I just wanted to check up on you, my dearest Captain". The Angaran man blushed slightly, making his pink-white cheeks a little bit blue even though it couldn't really be seen in the dark ambience of his large office. "So how was your day, Jaal?" The Lord asked. The Captain slightly hesitated to tell him his honest thoughts, but in the end, he knew that there was something between him and Valnin, at least he felt that way and also the fact that Angara are more open with their feelings than most races made him say it, starting with a sigh "I... had a difficult day, my Lord. The new recruits we've got from the Empire? It is very difficult to work with them. If I would call them uneducated roekaar, it would be an understatement". Valnin felt that Jaal was feeling frustrated, but he couldn't help himself but to ask "Excuse me, but... uneducated what?". Jaal looked at Valnin with his blue almost cat-like eyes "Roekaar. It means stubborn people in free translation". Valnin nodded his head in understanding. "Well, you know what they say, you cannot trust n'wahs, the outlanders" Valnin said. The Captain just slowly nodded in agreement "Indeed, m'lord". Then there was a moment of silence between them, as they couldn't find subject to talk about. The silence has been broken when Jaal asked his Lord "Lord Valnin... I know this might be an inappropriate question, but is there-" He stopped, as he started to hesitate again. He just couldn't straight ask his own Lord if he cares about him as his lover. Valnin raises a brow "Yes?". Jaal looked at him for a second, then nervously looked away as the words were stuck in his throat. The Lord slowly came to him, putting his bare blue hand on Jaal's wide shoulder and while he was looking into his eyes, he said "Jaal, if there is anything on your heart, just tell me. I know it is kind of difficult to talk like that in front of your own ruler, but in the end, we are all just living beings". His words sounded so powerful when he was so close, almost like it was some kind of curse. The Angaran's eyes met with Lord's, returning him the confidence he needed to say it. "I just feel like there is something between us, my Lord. You gave me a few hints in the past, but I didn't think much of it. And recently, you were giving me lots of those odd looks and hints, it almost felt you like me, but in a way of a lover". As Valnin was processing what Jaal said, he just smiled "Tell me then, do you feel something towards me, my loyal subject?". And again, the Captain didn't have a slightest idea of what to say. The eye contact was still going, though. Nervous glare meeting the calm one. Jaal's imagination was going wild of what could happen in next few moments if he would be completely honest with him, alas his Angaran nature wasn't making it easy for him, he couldn't hold it anymore. "My lord... you are the most interesting and also most odd being I have ever known" he said in nervous but still voice as Valnin was smiling at him with his one brow slightly up. "You are an inspiration for me. For your men. For your whole kingdom" He continued with less and less nervousness in his voice. "I also find your race very fascinating. The wonderful scent of your hair. Your smooth blue skin. Your intriguing eyes, they can be both intimidating and pleasant to look at. They are like glittering..." He stopped as he was thinking for few seconds. "...I believe humans call it rubies" He said with sincere smile which revealed his almost-white teeth. The Lord was pleasantly surprised by all those words, his face bright with expression of smile so large, that it almost looked like his mouth was going to rip. "Oh, dearest Jaal, you have no idea how much i am flattered right now. I have to admit, you are very good with words, Captain" Valnin said with that never-ceasing smile. Jaal blushed slightly again, and gave him a warm smile back "Not as good as you are when it comes to politics, your Lordship". They shared their smiles once again, but then Jaal kindly asked "So how is it really, my Lord? Do you feel the same towards me as i do towards you?". The Lord went for it, and kissed Jaal ever so softly on his right cheek which left the Angaran man just standing there wide-eyed. "There's your answer, my dearest Jaal" Valnin said quietly, but loudly enough so Jaal would hear him. The Captain could not find any words to react with. "Good night, Jaal" The Lord said, and before Jaal could wish him back, he was gone. "... Good night, taoshay" Jaal said to himself even though he wanted his Lord to hear it, but who knows, maybe he did, elves have very good ears after all.

[leta-the-strange]

Spoiler-free COG feelings/essay/thoughts before I see the movie. Spoiler-free because the movie isn’t out here til the end of the week but obviously, I’ve picked up info from trailers and interviews and things like that so sort of common knowledge stuff but I guess if you’ve avoided all the promos for the year I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you now so don’t read until after you’ve seen it if that’s the case (again, I only know basic info).

I have a lot of feelings that I’ve been sitting on for a while because frankly, large parts of the Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter fandom terrify me. It’s why in my nineteen years (okay, thirteen years – I had to learn how to read) I’ve distanced myself from engaging in the fandom too much and when I do, I try and stick to as safe, neutral content as possible.

But I’m going to write a little bit a lot (my anxiety’s poppin off the charts right now) not to antagonise anyone or personally offend people just to get this pent up crap off my chest before I see the movie. 

I have Māori and Pākehā parentage. Although I am proud to be a Māori girl and I’m definitely not white-passing, I do acknowledge that out of my family, I was born with the lightest skin and being a lighter-skinned/mixed poc among my family and friends has made me recognise my privilege. That isn’t to say I haven’t experienced lifelong struggles with racism, bullying and discrimination but I will never experience the same micro-aggressions and experiences that they have. Although, I do have light-skinned privileges and I don’t ever want to take away the struggles of my family that I won’t experience on the same level, growing up looking a little different opened me up a lot of feelings of invalidation within my own culture. When I experienced racism as a child, I was also met with disdain for being upset about it when I wanted to talk about it. This was when I was a child and I didn’t understand lighter skinned privilege or the animosity from some of my own people. I am far more educated now, but during that confusing time I, like most children, turned to literature (which in turn is what helped me make sense of the world).

I’ve gotten a little off track – this isn’t overly important to what I’m writing about, but it is introducing my opinion as coming from a woman of colour who has experienced racism and horrible bullying, but I always feel the need to clarify my position as a lighter skinned poc before giving my opinion based on those experiences.

Obviously from my content, I love Leta Lestrange. Perhaps it started out as a matter of representation, but I feel like over the past year, I have become intrigued with her for a number of reasons. She’s striking me as a Sirius, Regulus and Andromeda Black type character. Different to her family and caught in a struggle of light and dark (magic, not skin colour). Loves magical creatures. I haven’t seen it yet but it seems like she is one of the centre point characters of the film. She seems to be connected to many of the main characters in one way or another and has always striked me as the most intriguing.

I really do hope I am wrong but the ‘other’ love interest’s in the Harry Potter universe are usually treated terribly. They experience character assassination to further the development of the canon/new interest.

I really hope this film doesn’t do the whole blow out a woc character to make the white, self-insert, classically beautiful, ‘im not like other girls’ character shine brighter.

Before everyone comes for me, I wouldn’t say I’m a Tina ‘anti’ whatever that is. There’s no like extreme hatred at all! I would say I don’t like Tina as a character, or Queenie for that matter. Not yet anyway. The new trailer gives me hope that this movie might win me over finally. It doesn’t need to be upsetting or offensive to anyone. There are lots of people out there with favourite and not-so-favourite characters. A lot of people dislike Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, even Harry…and there are people who have those characters as their favourite.  

There are a lot of reasons I don’t like Tina and Queenie. I may address them in a different post if being vague upsets people more than going in-depth but at this point, I am trying to stay as unconfrontational as possible but I have seen people get extremely furious when they don’t deem your reason for disliking them to be ‘good enough’ so if not saying exactly what I find uncomfortable about them is not as preferable as telling people then I can write it up as respectfully as possible if I’m treated the same way. All I’ll say is that I think Tina is a good person, but, in my opinion, not a great character. Queenie is the opposite. I would not like Queenie as a person but I have to admit, she’s a good character. But I’ll hold the rest of my opinions until after the second film. 

Honestly, the film adaptions leave some of my favourite book characters to be desired. Maybe if FB was a novel, I’d like Tina but I really dislike her in the movies. I have seen people blow up when this is said. I try to understand the outrage. I think one of the reasons I dislike Tina is one of the reasons why people love her. She is, at this point and in my opinion (which is ONLY an opinion), a self-insert character. Any Newt x Reader fanfiction can easily read as a Newtina fanfiction and vice versa. I know. Because I’m a FB fanfiction writer myself and tried to write her. Sometimes when you attach yourself to a character so much, it can feel personally offensive when someone says something as harmless such as they don’t like then. I don’t experience this as often. Every Reader/OC fanfiction is, perhaps unintentionally, but nearly always aimed at a white person in description. In actuality, nearly every character in literature is, intentionally or not, described with textbook white features or assumed white by the fandom/readers/watchers.

I know people are going to hate this opinion because I’ve seen people jump down other people’s throats when this gets brought up. I do believe, whether it is conscious or not, Leta not being white COULD, subconsciously, be a factor as to why she is so inherently hated. I’ve seen more hate for Leta than any other character – even the antagonist! I hate what they did to Lavender Brown, book and movie wise, but even she, being as over exaggeratedly unlikable as a romantic plot device, received and still receives far less fandom hate than Cho Chang (who was also eventually written to be ‘jealous, hysterical, unlikeable’, etc, etc – I don’t agree btw I love, understand and appreciate Cho and Lavender)  who was smart, talented, kind, traumatised, and until it was no longer convenient to the main characters romance for her to be ‘likeable’ anymore.

I wish I could enjoy going through the Leta tag but often, her and Newt can’t even be in a scene or photo together and people lose their minds with anger and hate. Literally, the comments on any scene/photo they are in are all along the lines of ‘stay away from newt!/poor tina/urgh, don’t flirt leta/leta WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’. Sorry, to break it to you guys but it isn’t a love triangle. It’s a love conga line. The only person getting in the way of ‘Newtina’ is Newt. Instagram is even worse. By worse, I mean horrible beyond belief. The better comments are the ones are the ones merely (though still grossly) comparing her to Tina and how much they dislike her, the other ones are wishes that she’ll get killed or join Grindelwald. It’s literally not even hidden the fact they wish either of these things happen so Newtina can happen faster. I’m not a Newtina shipper at all (Yet. Again, this might change if the films improve) but this would be one of the worst ways to further your ship. That is literally not going to change the fact that Newt’s still in love with her (you can have feelings for two people at the same time. The filmmakers confirmed - in fact, one of the first things about the new movie that they confirmed - that Newt is ‘absolutely still in love with her’), it just makes her conveniently unattainable. I do have a feeling that Leta might die and if it happens, it better not be because she’s unwillingly in the way of a ‘love triangle’ that people have forced these three characters into. If Newtina is going to happen in a way that isn’t awful, rushed and horrible, it will be slow-burn and it’s in own time AFTER Newt has healed and properly fixed things with Leta. You can’t be best friends and in love with someone for 15+ years and fall out of love with them immediately after they die, turn bad and settle for a woman you met for like two days and collectively spent maybe ten hours with. It might be a Ron/Hermione situation where it’s slow and eventual. That’s the only way I could possibly get on board and I think it could be done tastefully if they don’t resort to lazy writing. I do have my fingers crossed I’ll start to like the Goldsteins before this happens and I can enjoy it as much as everyone else does.

To be honest, after seeing the trailers, I see only two endings for Leta (and I hate them BOTH):

She joins Grindelwald: If this is the plot twist, it’s the shittiest plot twist ever. Pretty much 90% of the fans since seeing the first film have assumed/liked to believe she’s pure evil. Probably the characters themselves all assume she’s evil from her last name. I was worried the whole ‘haha, I was on Grindelwald’s side all along!’ situation was going to happen. We know JK hates Slytherins. My ‘Leta joins Grindelwald’ theory would be that she has always been on the good side – or trying to be – and after YEARS of oppression and discrimination and being distrusted by maybe the central characters in this film no matter how hard she tries AND maybe finally realising that Newt isn’t going to ever forgive her she just snaps and goes all ‘f*ck you guys then’ (I wouldn’t blame her tbh). HOWEVER, I doubt this. In a trailer, you literally see Leta THROW a fucking spell STANDING BY HERSELF (what u doin bby?) at Grindelwald. Trust me, if this was Tina it would have been all everyone was talking about but of course the fandom was all ‘yeah, see, she’s in the same frame as Grindelwald SHE’S EVIL’. One of the trailers is literally titled Leta vs. Grindelwald. Everything in the trailers/promos points to Queenie joining Grindelwald but *shrugs, I guess*.

Leta dies: I get this may seem the preferable way to appease the Leta haters and the Leta lovers especially if she dies after redeeming herself or heroically or whatever but urgh, no. I know everyone’s like ‘DoNt MAKe ThIS AbOUT RaCe’ when the woc character inevitably is killed but I’m sorry. To have been able to sit in a theatre as a little girl and see Leta Lestrange in the wizarding world would have blown my tiny mind. Honestly, as an older teen seeing Zoe Kravitz in that little photo frame in Newt’s case in the first film was iconic enough for me. After growing up being made to believe I was ‘unattractive’ because of how I looked, seeing total dreamboats like Callum Turner and Eddie Redmayne’s characters being all heart-eyes over Leta is, like...wow!  And I do have an uncomfortable truth for people who want Leta to die. That would possibly be the WORST thing to happen for the Newtina thing (would pretty much be the last nail in the coffin for me ever coming around to it). I’ve seen it happen in my family when someone you love dies. Your feelings for them essentially FREEZE. You can’t fall out of love with someone who is dead. That’s of course not to say that you don’t love again and just as much as the first time. But it takes time (LOTS of it) and there’s a little part of your heart that’s like…permanently sealed off. I don’t even like Newtina yet and I’m hoping for the sake of the Newtina fans that Leta doesn’t die because freakin’ yikes. Just let them heal and connect and be besties again goddammit, its POSSIBLE (and bet your ass I’ll write it my god damn self to prove it if they don’t). 

I know these are highly unpopular opinions and I HOPE that I am wrong, and they do her character justice and don’t discard her via death or the dark side.

In summary, I suppose my biggest struggle with Leta’s character is definitely the overwhelming fandom hate which I still can’t quite comprehend. I really want to believe it isn’t a race thing. Though, I have seen horrible posts about Leta, mean comments on nearly every Leta promo, Zoe Kravitz literally being called a c*nt in the comments of a Leta post on tumblr, a lot of fanfictions having her be primarily evil, selfish, manipulative, in some a rapist even, ugly, cruel, etc. But honestly, she’s literally not interfering in Newt having a relationship with anyone at all??? She’s literally been villainised because her friend can’t get over her (getting Snily nostalgia). But buggered if I’ve been able to find next to anything of that calibre about Jacob’s fiancée (literally a Queenie doppelganger) who left him, like, the day he met Queenie. I get that it was a deleted scene for those non-hardcore fans, but Leta-hate was literally kicked off by a picture in a photo frame and a comment made by a, in my opinion, kind of not-nearly-as-infallible-as-people-think character that barely knows Newt breaking into his head non-consensually (after being repeatedly told not to) who had an agenda to hook him up with her sister. Sooo…*shrugs*.

Even I personally have tried to keep out of the fandom debates, but I wrote a Leta and Newt story (still ongoing) that I stopped for a while because the kind of disgusting comments I was receiving about people hating the pairing. Which, I get. You don’t like a pairing, that’s cool? Why are you going and seeking out a piece about them and then taking the time to leave a comment? Whenever I start to read a story about Leta being this horrific monster of a person and being torn apart and compared and occasionally borderline racist, I just…click out? I know it’s only a small patch of weeds in what is likely a garden of roses, but I have never come across such an insecure fandom for a literal canon ship. If the relationship was that pure and strong, you wouldn’t feel the need to kill or villainise the (non-existent) ‘threat’. I just hope the writers feel the same way. You can write healthy closures and strong women of colour characters without casting them aside for plot development/man pain/stereotypical Caucasian romance/plot device, etc... I’m going to go into the theatre at the end of the week slightly optimistic to be fair but I’m also fully expecting to be disappointed but honestly, Leta could avada kedavra every character and she’s still going to be my favourite, I don’t make the rules. 

[todisturbtheuniverse]

2017 Year End Writing Review

While I don't do monthly reviews anymore, I figured it would still be fun to post an annual review; I've been doing that for several years now and it's fun to look back on it.

I did not post very much fic this year. I wrote some. I posted less. I got very into this mindset of really polishing fanfiction, stressing about posting it if it wasn't up to quality, or whatever. So in total, I only posted 13 short-ish fics this year, made no progress posting in my one major WIP, and...you would think that would mean there wasn't a lot of writing.

There was a lot of writing. Slightly more than 500,000 words' worth. But most of it was original fiction, so I'll talk about it under the read more. (Bless you if you make it through this post, because it is lengthy.)

What I Worked On

Yet another draft of my 2013 NaNo novel. Is this thing taking shape yet? Somewhat. It is my whale. My big, dumb whale. My I-planned-a-trilogy-and-bit-off-more-than-I-could-chew story. My testing-everything-I-know-and-can-learn-about-writing story. But I can't give it up, can't leave it alone, always come back to it, think about it daily. Someday it will get there. Someday I will at least think, This will do.

A full draft of a new novella and associated planning/character backstory/tidbits that don't quite fit in-story but were useful to write. A cantankerous witch, her spurned fairy lover, and her plucky apprentice try to solve the my-garden-dies-every-night-and-I-don't-know-why problem. It's a fun bit.

NaNoWriMo 2017: A post-apocalyptic story of friendship, vengeance, and overcoming pride. There are gun fights! There are ominous rocks! There is a lot of sarcasm! I haven't yet reread it, but it's on my to-do list in 2018. The planning for this novel alone nearly constituted the word count of an entire novel. I went all-out. It was really fun.

@hollyand-writes tagged me for the following, so I'll roll that into this post as well:

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favourite works you’ve created this year (fics, art, edits, etc!) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2017. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original!) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works. <3 (Please feel free to consider yourself tagged if you want to do this!)

A Shadow, Passing Through & Before I Embark: A pair of fics where I explored some of that territory in Act 2 of DA2 where Hawke and Leandra might have repaired their relationship a little bit before. You know. I've always felt pretty hostile toward Leandra; she puts a lot of blame and responsibility on her children when it has no business being there. But I also attempted a DA2 replay this year, and found her occasional comments in Act 2...interesting. I saw them in a different light. And a mushy, selfish part of me wanted to see Hawke get some kind of closure--some kind of improvement--with her mother before she died. Anyway, though I did not make it all the way through DA2 (I always, always, always stall before All That Remains, ever since my mom died in 2013, because it makes so. many. complicated. feelings), I liked picking it up again. I missed Hawke, and I missed Isabela.

With My Whole Heart: A little more Cassandra/Josephine fluff, sparked by an anon prompt. When I finally started thinking about it, this little fic just...flowed. I think I wrote it in an hour and a half, non-stop. It helped me remember how writing fanfiction used to feel for me. Just fun and nice and kind of wonderful.

Practicality, Revisited: A Kima/Allura fic. I'd love to explore more of these two. Written for the Critical Role Relationship Week, which I adored the idea of--I got some fun match-ups to write about, but this was by far my favorite.

Flying, Falling: Ryder/Vetra. I wish my enthusiasm for Andromeda had not dropped off so damn abruptly (not the game’s fault, I don’t think; I just lost interest even though I enjoyed it); this, and the other two I wrote for this pairing, were such fun little fics. Maybe someday I'll take another dip into it. Video games in general had a hard time holding onto me this year. But this one is really sweet, and on a reread, I really liked it. The banter, especially. I like a good banter.

Overall Thoughts

This post has no structure and is getting abysmally long, so I'm going to try and wrap up.

I wrote a lot this year. In nine out of twelve months, I wrote more than 30K words. Of the remaining three months, I wrote more than 20K in two of them and less than 10K in only one. I had a streak where I wrote something every single day from August 30 to December 14. The longest in memory, and I'm sure the longest, ever. I had a pair of back-to-back crazy months: planning NaNo in October with 72,556 words, and actually doing NaNo in November with 100,227 words--not all of them for that novel, but about ¾ of them. I really got my discipline together this year.

I worked on more original fiction, more often, than ever before, too. I miss fanfiction, but I am happy about that.

It was the most productive word-count year on record, at just over 500K. Beats out my previous most productive year, 2015, by more than 125K words. I wrote 373,467 words that year. It was also easily most productive in terms of time spent writing; I put my ass in chair and wrote for about 300 hours in 2017.

Goals

Last year's goals seemed to work out for me. I didn't always adhere to them perfectly, but the spirit of them led to a very productive year. So with that in mind, I'm going to reprise most of them:

Spend a little time writing every day: this was not true 100% of the year, but making an attempt meant I tried more, and led to more success.

No word count goal; I just want to make sure I'm keeping track with my handy-dandy spreadsheet.

Permission to write ficlets, drabbles, and even multi-chaptered fics as I want to. Still working on balance between original fic and fanfiction. After revisiting some of the joy of writing fanfiction late last year, I'd like to get back to it again, in some capacity. But multi-chapter fics with coherent stories, again, I would like to have a full first draft written before I start posting. It drastically cut down the WIPs I have floating around out there.

Get back to These Chains. I did some work on it mid-2017 to the tune of like, three more chapters, but didn't post. I have it planned out. I just need to do the thing.

I hope that, for all of you, you find satisfaction in your creative endeavors this year, in whatever art or practice that may be.

[lunamanar]

I Needed This

This is something I posted a month or two ago, but it was then pointed out that almost all of the links were broken...and at the same time, tumblr enacted their new restrictive linking policy. Meaning almost no one it was directed at actually saw it. I haven’t had the chance to correct the problem until now, and in that short time, the post referred to has climbed to over 14,000 notes. Like...what? Holy crap. Okay.

I wish I could sit down and reply to everyone who responded to the post, but at this point that’s just impossible. Just know, I do see the notes, and I’m grateful for every single one.

Below is the fixed post, as it was supposed to appear in April. If you’ve already read it, feel free to disregard this and scroll on by.

So...I’m gonna do one of my weird things. This isn’t really to do with FFVIII, but...I feel like I owe people this. Because I’ve been watching this silly little writing power build and build and snowball, and...it just seems...so counter to the situation of the people I seem to be reaching, that I can’t just let it sit there and rack up “points” in the form of notes without taking a moment (well, a few hours at this point, but I had the time, and this is what I decided to do with it) to at least acknowledge the response. I’ve received messages from people, a flood of kind comments and tags, I’ve watched people reach out to one another to support them in their writing endeavors. Most of it has been outside this fandom, so...I apologize ahead of time if this is somewhat off-topic.

I really don’t know how to begin talking about this, because I’m terrified it’s going to sound like I’m trying to call as much selfish attention as possible to a viral post I made by total accident. That’s not what I want to do at all, here, and please believe me when I say that I don’t think I did anything to deserve thousands of notes on what amounts to a “top ten” post of personal writing philosophies. When I posted it, I thought it might be helpful to a few very specific people in my immediate fandom circle. I never thought it would escape that circle, much less become the...giant ball of positivity that it has. Not that I’m complaining! I’m so beyond floored that it reached as far as it has, I don’t even know what to feel about it, anymore. I certainly don’t feel like I wrote anything brilliant. More than anything, I’m just...puzzled. And flattered, by how many people have been leaving kind tags and notes for me.

The other thing that I feel about it, though, is...sadness. Sadness that so many people feel such anxiety over their writing abilities. So many personal things have been said on this post, by total strangers, about their struggles with anxiety, depression, trauma, alienation and isolation when it comes to their writing. Some people write thousands of words and post them with bated breath, only to be met with a few hits and no comments. Some people are so certain that they have nothing of value to add that they can’t even bring themselves to start. Some think they’re too old to start now, that all their peers of the same age are so far “ahead” of them, they’ll never have any hope of “catching up.” Some are embarrassed to be writing at all, then they’re unemployed and feel like they should be looking for a “real” job instead of indulging in hobbies. There are so many hundreds of ways writer’s block and blues affects people, and the reality of it is, well...I wish they would all go through the hundreds, even thousands of tags and replies simply so they could see how not alone they are in their struggles. Maybe they could even find other people who would be up to being their reading partner, so they could have someone to trade stories with. So many people posting to a void, and it’s hard to see that it should have to be that way.

So...I mean, I don’t know what this will do, if it will do anything. This makes me feel nervous in itself, actually, because I’m not only reaching out to strangers, I’m going to be tagging people who aren’t even a part of the pleasant little community that is FFVIII. A lot of them. And maybe I’ll screw up...maybe I’ll tag someone who doesn’t want the exposure. I tried to comb through bios and take out anyone who explicitly said they were selective about who they talked to. If I tag you here, and you want me to delete your name, please send me a message and I will do so as soon as I see the request.

But at the very least...I do want everyone I ping in this post to know that someone--me, at least--saw their response, and felt it, too. I want their stories to be written and I want them to find the audience who enjoys those stories. I’m here saying, “hey, I see you. I give a shit.” Even if I don’t know anything about whatever fandom you’re in, or if you’re writing a completely original story, or whatever...it’s important. There is nothing more tragic to me than a story aching to be shared that never sees the light of day.

I also want to acknowledge some potential mistakes I may have made in writing that post (and this one). Few people had anything bad to say about it--and thank you all, for such tolerance of my rambles--but I am certainly not perfect, and I want to try to improve my communication where I can so I do ever less harm.

...I guess I’ll start, then.

Tumblr is chock full of “don’ts” when it comes to writing, and it’s my opinion that there’s just not enough love out there for the simple act of writing, itself a massive investment of time, energy and brain cells. Not every piece you write will be a success, but there is much to be said for the energy it takes to carry a story in your head, let alone take that and translate it into words so others can share the meaning it holds for you.

So, take a look at this. I posted that list sometime in...October 2016? I think? And in 7 months, 11,000 people either liked or reblogged it, and most people who reblogged it left a tag or two. By far, besides your generic “writing” or “writing advice,” the most common tag of note was this:

#I Needed This

...or something to that effect. I tried to find and count as many as I could. And I really want people to see just how many accounts out there who just happened to see a single writing tips list felt that they needed the encouragement. And those were the ones who were able to work up the nerve to say so in the comments or tags. I’m sure many more were too shy (and that’s OK).

@finduilasnumenesse @amid-a-lightless-place @phan-band-fandoms @powerfulweak @kayteonline @anotherwinchesterfangirl @blue-phoenix-tears @requiemforthewolves @indi-flying-with-dragons @puppytoast @bxanxgtan @mcfuzzy20 @hexthespectre @purple-and-red-ribbons @fromotterspace @burn-it-slow @tehartmonkee @dutifullymadameashley @killiandameron @captainpoopweinersoldier @artlessictoan @purrtlepuff @chocolatebunnycake @argent-gale @nothingtoleave @nightmare-fantasia @midniallsnack @andromedas-daughter @my-write-mind @different-principles @tangeythetangerine @c-e-gold @random-alefiasolar @ellebeedarling @droid-to-the-world @xpress--urself @closeonmarksnosedive @thinkblueandr3d @novemblu @leopoldfitz @tonks42 @seraphim-of-the-finale @dragonshost-fanfiction @poketin @ofcoursetheymind @author-of-sins @peetaspikelets @officialao3fandomlastforever @randomfangirllaughs @thereddestglass @gaybirdkid @sailorgreywolf @strangesorceries @thecorruptedquietone @melifair @ganbareno @peanutbutterflutist @bi-antagonist @preciousgaby @atomicpen @mariamagica @comebacknow @reconfemmandoforares @happiestastronaut @marmaladephan @ayumichan46 @sergeantrooper @weldlys @bearlytolerable @thatnewcarsmeli @rozenly @notori @mymomthinksimfunny1 @sylvesterelle @edwardsisland @be-kita

@welkikitty

...I know people tend to not like vertical lists of @’s, but I just...want to illustrate that each of these tumblr names is a person who has a story to tell, is in some way struggling with their confidence level, and often, that lack of confidence is due to obscurity. Frequently, feeling intimidated by the work and popularity of one’s peers is just as pen-stopping.

But just by skimming each of their blogs (which I did, individually--this has taken hours of my time), I can say with certainty that none of these writers are bad ones, and I wish I had the time to sit down and read everything they all had to offer, not just to make them all feel better, but because I am sincerely curious! Look at all the fandoms! Look at all the genres here! This is a veritable cornucopia of colorful ideas and potential. Most of these people are relatively unknown. If you’re in one of the fandoms you see here, aren’t you curious about what you’re missing? Goes double for people who have original novels they’re working on, but have no one to read over their script and help them with it. Seriously, isn’t there something that can be done about that?

The second most popular tag was some variant of “thank you.” Which is very sweet, but I really don’t read that as indicating any virtue of mine so much as just another indication of need, someone who needed to read or hear that their situation isn’t hopeless, they don’t suck, and they can write that story they’re struggling with. They don’t hear anyone else telling them that on any sort of regular basis. Especially for someone who’s still trying to find their footing/niche as a writer, that’s a toxic, tragic state of being if writing is something you love. And for the record, I don’t buy for a second that love is enough to keep someone writing if no one is there to read it. Not for struggling authors and people just starting out. Silence is just as bad as, if not worse than condemnation for emerging writers. It’s one thing for an established writer to let a quiet, or disappointed crowd roll off their backs; they have the experience to know and trust in their own skill, and--largely because they already have a support network--can get back on that horse and keep writing even if they produced a lemon or two. Someone without that experience or support? Silence and strict criticism, more than anything, tends to cause a shutdown. (Yes, I’m aware there are exceptions, but in general, it’s true, and I’ve seen it again and again: “My writing doesn’t meet x standard, so what’s the point in even trying?”)

The point is that you usually have to walk before you run, and you can’t even get that far without support, encouragement, praise and redirection. You don’t even have to be an established mentor, you can be a passerby--hey that’s a nicely worded metaphor, good job...you misspelled “principle,” there--and you cannot understate just how helpful even that little interaction can be, if you’re positive about it. Even if you were flying at one point, it’s possible to fall, and if you do, you’ll need some help picking yourself back up. So when I say “don’t write in a vacuum,” that’s what I mean: even if you don’t show your work to anyone until you finish it, just knowing that there is someone out there waiting to see it, and anticipating it, willing to help you with it if you need it, and cheering you on all the while, is empowering. Isolation, on the other hand, not knowing who if anyone will even care to read your work or like it once it’s done, breeds blank pages and brain fog. Much of creativity is about communication. If there’s no one to communicate with, creativity suffocates. Unless you are a particularly talented introvert, you can only carry on a conversation with yourself for so long before all the words start to sound the same.

So, to @castiel-comatose, to @satari-raine, @referencesforpiamio... to

@blue-phoenix-tears @mama-sally @indi-flying-with-dragons @acidmatze @vanillaroses @fromotterspace @pristinepastel @blankinsidecards @nynynightmare @ruminationandtea @chocowl @chiyala @mag-i-cal @andromedas-daughter @megatraven @the-real-inu-girl @remsyk-blog @universe-apart @xmayleensyo @ellipsesarefun @internallydeceased @kigamin @sweeneymads @wepush @heartofpages @lauralot89 @franzwantscoffee @loveablelevi @poketin @maginpui @richard-of-windoor @yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy @azurethoughts @thunderstormsandcuddles @bekasyura @contentmintdraws @kurosakiami01 @strangesorceries @brynnmclean @howtotrainyouragents @lumierc @spywerewolf @yourcouragetothestickingplace @heuvelliedje @kateandtheuniverse @weeardo0 @ayumichan46 @silverbuttercups @rozenly @heartofwriting @darthshizuka @guardianmantis @gladnis-trash @firstorderelite @amiitens

...You’re welcome for the post, but it really was just...that sometimes, *I* feel isolated, and I feel like my writing is shit and no one could possibly care. But experience has taught me that there are so many reasons that’s simply an illogical sentiment, and those ten-ish items help me remember why it’s far more reasonable to assume I’m a good writer who faces the inherent difficulties of publishing in a vast sea of other writers on the Internet. In many ways, including with the list itself, I got lucky, got noticed by other people who already had a lot of followers, and through them I found people who were interested in my work, not because I’m some amazing writer (I’m not...just look at this structural disaster of a post at 5-something in the morning), but because I bothered to reach out in the first place. I’ve made similar posts several times in the past, and they didn’t go anywhere, but this time, I just ran into the right people at the right time. So it got to you, and you commented or tagged, and now you’re on this post with a bunch of other people you probably don’t know. Keep trying, and it happens, eventually. You will be seen.

That’s the real tragedy of all this...your ability to be seen and heard is attributable as much to chance as it is anything else. And you can’t really start to make your own luck until you have some social capital. I have a few followers, and so I hope that posting this can facilitate at least a little bit more luck for everyone I mention. So don’t be scared to respond (reblog--more people see that than when you comment), and say what you’re working on that you want people to see, or that your afraid won’t be finished, or won’t turn out right. Start a conversation about it. Say what about the story is important to you. Reach out. Let people know you have a story you want to tell, one that really matters to you. Maybe give a brief synopsis--you’d be surprised how that can pique someone’s interest. Really, anything. Just keep trying. Over time, people will find you.

Either way, point is, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but just because you left a tag on a post that helped you, someone saw you, liked you, and has every confidence that you have beautiful stories in your head that you are more than capable of putting to the keys. Whatever else you do with that information, please do not stop writing, and if you need help, maybe look through some of the people here who are or have been feeling rather invisible--there’s likely someone who shares your interests. Or just reblog, or message me, or message someone you know who maybe you haven’t thought to ask before, whatever it is you feel brave enough to do. If you want to, that is. If you don’t want to, that’s alright. I just...wanted to give everyone I saw a chance, a platform for it.

If I have one thing to add to my list--a #11--it’s that if you have a lack of support, encouragement and visibility in your writing life, you should probably treat that as a primary obstacle to your writing, before you blame yourself or your abilities. Beating yourself up for not being able to grab people’s attention without a preexisting network isn’t fair to you, although the inclination is understandable, given the expectation people tend to have for writers to do exactly that. But the truth is, you owe it to yourself to reserve judgement on your own work until you’ve seen what you can do with that support.

Now that I’ve spend entirely too many words explaining what’s probably a very simple concept, there were a few responses to the post that I felt...like I should answer, specifically. This isn’t because these people are better than anyone in the lists above (in fact many of them are in those lists), it’s simply because they said something I happened to have a specific response to. So...here goes nothing. Making friends, I hope!

@night57byrd

replied to your post

“Things I Try to Remember When I’m Nervous About Writing”

Thank you for this advice and wisdom. I have long harbored dreams of writing but have allowed my inner inner critic hold me back. This posting has given me a tremendous boost. Thank you for the gift.

This was one of the most heartwarming comments I received, and it showed up on my dash on a day where it seemed like everything was just falling apart around me. I should thank you, for giving me the synergy boost to soldier through the rest of a very difficult day. Knowing that at least I’d done something that had helped someone that much helped me make it through without breaking down. So thank you, for your gift of strength to me. I sincerely hope you enjoy getting into the wonderful, if often stormy world of writing (and I hope you’re able to get another season out of Pitch--I’ve been meaning to give that show a shot, along with Southside With You, but it just hasn’t happened for me, yet).

@wtf-and-shit

replied to your post

“Things I Try to Remember When I’m Nervous About Writing”

I really needed this cause I’ve been in a slump of sorts. Even asked myself “what do others want to read?”

And @whenimaunicorn has similar woes:

sometimes i lose my own voice trying to please the whole crowd but i'm just writing 'my' story not 'the' story i gotta remember that

Asking what others want to read (or conversely, what other want you to write) is a nasty trap I’ve fallen into multiple times. It’s not even conscious, half the time, you just start worrying if the words you’re putting on the page are just going to be too weird, to boring, or just not what people want to see. You start tweaking things to better reflect what you think others want to see, and before you know it, you’re writing something you really just don’t care about at all. I really sincerely believe that the best way to keep a story from falling over dead is to be continually invested in the content, even if that means changing the story to accommodate you when your interests change. That can sometimes lead the story in strange directions, but better a story be strange than incomplete, I would think.

Several people commented about calling themselves names:

@freestridingprinces said:

One of my very cute kouhais tagged me in this. I have a terrible habit of doing all of the negative things on this list. I’ve called myself boring many times. I will stop. I would never call anyone else who I’ve ever spoken with boring. So, I’m working on staying positive and nice to myself along with you all. Thank you for being kind to me when I needed it.

while @thecrimsonarcher is similarly inclined:

#10 is my biggest issue. Honestly, judging by the lack of feedback from my writings, I have come to the conclusion that my writings lack creativity because I am unable to hold anyone’s attention. My story is a mixture between Lovecraftian horror, psychological horror, and Southern gothic. Nobody wants to read that during this day in age.

and further notes the difficulties of competing with erotica (sorry, I switch the order of paragraphs for effect):

It’s made worse when no one gives me feedback or likes the post. Was my story really that bad? Did it suck so bad it didn’t warrant a response? More often than not, I find myself deleting my progress that I post on Facebook or Tumblr. If no one will give it the time of day, why even post it? What’s the point? The only way you’ll ever get recognized for writing on Tumblr is if you do fanfics, especially erotic fanfics.

I suspect one of the reasons fanfiction is as popular as it is, is that you automatically have something of a fan base right from the getgo, because the material in question is...well, by definition, a product of fandom. It’s also just a fact of life that people love smut, and often they love it for smut’s sake, rather than paying much attention to the quality of the writing. And that’s fine! But it does make things complicated when what you write is not smut.

One thing I would recommend is looking up some good Genfic groups. Even if you’re not planning on writing exclusively sex/relationship-free stuff, they might be a good place to start with short stories, just to build an audience and start working in the right direction to find more people who are looking for more than just getting off.

@dust2dust34 chimed in,

i've been very unkind to myself lately with blood hands     very unkind  

and @headphonesandbackpack also gives themselves a hard time,

#i need to keep that in mind #also i tend to hate my writing style #i think it's incredibly boring #i bore the shit out of myself while boring #but my french teachers seem to love what i write??? #and when i read it like a year later i think it's not that bad #i guess i need to believe in myself

There’s a lot of people out there who beat themselves up over their percieved skill level:

@lechatrouge673: I HAVE A CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEKAND I FEEL LIKE AN UTTER FRAUD

@ishipmyselfwitheveryone:  +sometimes i call myself 'useless sack of severed cocks' when i won't write good  +maybe that's part of my problem

(Well...tbh, yes? haha, I can think of several politicians who are far more deserving of being called that right now...*ahem* ANYWAY...)

@dragonsinparis has some strong feelings (that I agree with) while falling to #10 even in tags:

#i'm a lazy enough writer that i only actually get off my ass if there's a story i desperately want that I can't find  #(hence state of grace and this isn't what we meant especially)  #but what you're looking for that you can't find can be as simple as a style or an aspect or a moment or a choice  #which means that it is still rooted in your voice  #ANYWAY EVERYONE KEEP WRITING  #STORIES BUILD COMPASSION AND IF THERE IS ANYTHING WE NEED MORE OF IN THE WORLD IT IS THAT

So the self-berating issue seems to be pretty common, if completely unnecessary. Again the ability--or inability--to be able to get the words out perfectly is held as a measure of one’s talent or potential, and frustration with that and/or a lack of feedback leads to self-abuse--or it seems that way to me, correct me if I’m wrong, or want to add to this analysis. I’m no expert...but I remember that’s kinda how it worked, for me. I thought I should be able to just be better, and additionally, I didn’t want anyone to think I was stuck-up or pretentious about my work, so I said a lot of damaging things about myself and my writing, just to keep my expectations down so I could avoid disappointment. Problem was, the more I said it, the more I believed it, and the harder it was to actually feel like writing was worth the effort. It wasn’t until very recently I found enough support for that behavior to change, and I’m much less likely to put myself down nowadays.

Several people were just happy that kindness showed up in their feed:

@litwww:  Thank you, kind person who randomly appeared on my dash ❤

@letspartyrightnowplease:  I really needed this right now as I’ve been struggling and stressing the heck out

@zodiacdog101:  Thanks dude this helped through the slump I’m going through

@classicbkrder815:  Reblog. Thanks i needed this today. Lol I’m going to read it everyday to inspire myself.

@orcaspanielmermaids:  These are some of the kindest words I’ve received all week, after struggling with RL issues on top of fighting to get out of the corner I’ve written myself into. Thank you, OP. <3

@gymleader-nick:  You have no idea how bad I needed to hear this right now.

I swear I’m not including these to fan my ego, I was just very surprised how many people seemed surprised to find something encouraging on their dash. I am very happy that the list helped! I hope it continues to. But as @dragonsinparis opined above, encouragement and compassion in the writing world appear to be in lamentably short supply.

Guilt over breaks, unfinished work and asking for attention also seems to be a big culprit of empty-page syndrome:

@beqm:  I love the ‘You’re allowed to take breaks.“ Because right now I feel like I’m being a horrible slacker. I want to write but everything else seems to bee getting in the way.

@perpetuallyfive:  #the guilt is what makes writing the hardest for me? #any time i'm struggling with something and think ''maybe switch to another piece for now'' i feel bad #any time i ask someone to look at my stuff #anytime i want to say i'm trying to write a thing and i worry i won't finish in time and then all i can think is that i never finish in time #i sometimes try not to even post a thing until another thing is half finished because there are those times when no one cares #about that last thing you posted and it's SO DISCOURAGING #like you accept that you just write for you but it makes it hard to continue the next thing when you can't stop thinking you know #maybe you're not that good anymore #maybe you never were maybe it was just the fandom you were in was fucking thirsty #writing is the worst honestly except for those limited few times when it's the best #(i've been trying to write lately. if you couldn't tell.) #anyway i'm going to reread this list a lot right now.

@icybluepenguin: #I wish I were better talking about my stories with other writers #It always helps #But I always feel so guilty

@woodlandcrowns: I'd love to have a support circle of [fanfiction] writers--or even for original stuff at timesbut I believe I'd be a bother

@effinunicorns: I need to work on the 'talking to people about my fic' thing more but it feels so awkward

#7 of the list is a quick reminder for me that however many unfinished works I have that I never tell anyone about, there are just as many behind all the finished, polished stories I see on the AO3 pages of my friends. And hey, some people are simply more prolific than others, and that’s all right. Has no bearing on your worth as a writer if you cannot churn out chapter after chapter. Focus on what you want to do, what’s exciting for you to write right now. Then go for it. At some point, you’re going to get absorbed in one of those projects until it’s finished. It might take a while, even years, but it will happen, and you’ll find your groove along the way.

I should’ve made a 7.1: the number of finished works is not a measure of whether you’re a good writer. It’s worth considering that the purpose of writing, as an art, isn’t always to follow a story all the way to completion. If writing is a sort of “zen” thing for you, something you do to explore ideas for yourself, communicate them to others, and just enjoy and grow as a person through the process, it really doesn’t matter if the stories go unfinished, as long as you benefit from the exercise. Writing can be as much akin to meditation as it can be a job that you live off of. If that’s how it works for you, it’s still legit and you can still be extremely good at it. Even if you never finish a single piece, if it’s making your life better, don’t sweat it. Enjoy your talent for what it is. You can always hone it, but if the process of trying is both failing and causing you to lose confidence or self-esteem, maybe your writing pattern and skill is just different from that of the typical “career writer.” Maybe not, but it’s worth thinking about, and if that’s how it is for you, don’t let anyone tell you that you suck just because.

A lot of people are scared/already convinced that nothing they produce is any good and no one wants to read it:

@formsans96:  I just feel that no one does like them that much. Even my finished works.

@canadian-buckbeaver:  I keep looking at the views and kudos of other stories and it immediately affects me. “Why am I not that popular?” “Am I not that good?” But then I read everyone’s comments… immediately feel better.

@noodle-dogs:  #I HAVE LIKE....3 BIG PLOTS IN MY HEAD RN #BUT IM JUST SCARED MY WRITING WONT BE GOOD ENOUGH

@decembercamiecherries:  I get really nervous when writing WTWFI'm scared it won't turn out good and pple will be disappointed

@talentlessandoptimistic:  #the downside is I'm literally the only person who wants to read it #which is why I don't share it

@sandrasr91:  sometime I want to write but I don't know if it'll be any good

@itsactuallycorrine:  # i keep telling myself i just need to put words on the page # but i'm at the halfway point and doubting everything

This is writer anxiety #1, and I’m 100% convinced that (in addition to the effects of more uncontrollable factors such as clinical depression and other intrusive MI in some individuals) it results from a lack of support. If no one ever reads your stuff or says anything good about it, how are you supposed to know if it’s an effective piece of writing or not?

That’s another way of combating writing anxiety: Don’t judge stories in terms of “good” and “bad.” I tend to think of most stories as “good,” even if they’re poorly written. We all wrote crappy stories before we wrote “good” ones, but it was still good that we went through the experience of writing the crappy ones, and old stories still have a certain charm about them.

Rather, I try to look at stories in terms of their effectiveness: did they reach the reader on a personal level? Did I communicate what I wanted to say? If so, then the piece was a success, was effective. If not, it was an ineffective piece, and I’ll just have to work on making sure the next one comes across more clearly.

But nothing, no philosophy, no reminders, no lists can substitute for friends and writing/reading buddies. It’s so important to establish those, or you’re likely to feel isolated and distraught when you post your blood sweat and tears to a brick wall and receive nothing in response for your efforts.

If you’re not writing fanfiction, there is a group called Critters (critters dot org) that I cannot recommend highly enough. They call themselves a “workshop,” but really, they’re a fantastic resource for submitting manuscripts for (gentle, but useful!) critique. There’s a very reasonable, common-sense but quite in-depth etiquette for critting others’ work (people tell you when you do something RIGHT, too!), and you are required to critique a few short stories before you can submit your own, but it’s not hard, and gives you a lot of great practice on both giving and receiving writing assistance.  I used this group for a few years while I was unemployed, and the people there are wonderful and helped me a great deal. Do give it a look if you’re having a hard time finding anyone to read your work. You’ll make some friends!

There was one comment that caught my eye on this note:

@mamakat926:  All good things I need to remember when I’m struggling to write my first fanfic…

I wish you the best of luck! The first one is always hard. And even though you’re writing fanfiction, it’s worth having a look at Critters (critters dot org)! There’s so many resources there to help you get off the ground with your first attempts.

Of course, I have to mention the lovely @lidicores, who translated the entire post into Portuguese. I can’t read a lick of it, but that was awesome, haha!

I needed this right now. I’ve been lacking drive to write since last november. The emptiness is excrucianting. Then a week ago a friend asked me about the story and I suddenly started to think about it again. I even reread some chapters… hopefully I’ll be back soon. Hopefully…

Oh, English is not my first language, so, don’t you worry, I’m not this bad writing in Portuguese. LOL

Having two or more languages under your belt already gives you a leg up on most writers. I hope you’re able to get back into it, soon.

Several people expressed concern about coming back to writing after a long hiatus:

@mxrdins: #i wanna start writing fanfics too :( #i mean long ones in englisn #but am i too late with it #after all im 18 lol and there is a looooong break behind me in writing

@sazula:  I haven't written anything in so long but i want to

@arie-172:  # i need to remind myself of so many of these# idk but it's been so long since i've written something that i had forgotten what it was to feel this way# you know the way in which you kind of second guess everything

@dragontameroutofcharacter:  mmmmm i feel like this is · why i can't write lately tho · there isn't · anything i want to read · like honestly lately i just · want to sleep · i work and i come home and i try to stay awake until evening · i've got books i was so excited to get · that i'm still not reading · haven't even started · i miss writing ·

Just like when you’re first starting out, getting back into it is a question of connection and support, knowing who and what your resources are, and using them. And patience with, and compassion for yourself. You can’t expect the first thing you produce to be as clean as the last thing you wrote before your hiatus, so avoid comparing them. Maybe you want to try a new style or a different perspective, just for fun or to keep the results from being comparable in the first place. I really hope all of you are able to dive back in, though. And 18 is not at all too old! I skipped 3 years of writing between 16 and 19, and it didn’t take me long to get back up to speed.

One person expressed skepticism at the implications of needing/taking writing advice from a tumblr post:

@epherians:  #I DON'T FEEL SURE WHEN I HAVE TO FIND COMFORT IN WRITING ADVICE POSTS…

I understand and even share this sentiment, and of course you’re perfectly welcome to throw all this out the window with no resentment from my end! But...I’m curious, have you ever seen the movie, Adaptation? If not, you really should. Even though it has Nick Cage in it. Or because it does, depending on your persuasion.

Now, to a few slightly more personal responses. The first is more of a question, because I spotted this tag in one of the reblogs:  ableist language ...I wanted to ask, @arathergrimreaper, was this meant to note that I used such language in my post? If so, please let me know where I messed up so I can fix it! And I’m quite sorry if I injured anyone with some bad wording in there.

@theladyjanes used the tag  such powerful words for the post, and that...I dunno, it just hit me hard. Thank you. Powerful is not often a word that is used to describe me or what I say, so I appreciate it, a lot.

@americannoteven said,

#I've reread this about 15 times now #each time feels more and more personal #bc fuck #I should... stop being so hard on myself

Yes, please...if you can manage it, give yourself a break. I hope that the list helped you, and I hope you work through your writing struggles soon. My message and ask boxes are always open, to everyone. =)

@xbean wrote,

#It's taken me a while to get back into it especially when someone you called your best friend read one and made you feel like shit after the

Okay so this messed with me, because...well, because this happened to me several years ago. And I’m sorry, so sorry that that happened to you. It’s a horrible, awful feeling. I hope you can get back into the swing of writing--and if you have to, use spite and resentment to fuel your determination to write, no matter what anyone thinks about it. It’s yours. Do your thing! The best antidote for the shame and hurt is to just keep writing, and when you finally get through the pain, you will have leaned an incredible amount about what parts of your writing are yours and how to discard the pieces you put in there simply to please others. Be strong, you can make it through.

@bamfcoyotetango raged,

FUCK IF I DIDN'T NEED THIS AFTER THE SHIT SHOW THAT GREETED MY LATEST CHAPTER

29 HITS FOR A CHAPTER NEARLY 2K LONG

Another awful feeling, working especially hard on a story or chapter, only to have no one comment, and hardly anyone even look at it.

It likely isn’t that your writing is bad or even ineffectual, though. It could have been a bad time of day to post. Your normal readers just might not have been available. Did you let anyone know that the chapter was up? Try pinging them, if not. In any case, don’t immediately think that silence means it sucked and no one liked it, or that it was too boring for strangers to notice. True is, it’s really hard to make a title that gets people’s attention without designing it as pure clickbait (and if you’ve avoided that nasty habit, good on you!).

I hope your next chapters garner more interest. Out of curiosity, what’s the story about?

@takemeawaymothman said, this last one really like? got to me 

-- and it seems like, while #1 (write what you want to read) was the most popular/cited, #10 (don’t call yourself names) had the strongest reaction...a few tags suggesting it pulled some tears. I’m a little curious as to why that is...is it really so rare for anyone to tell you that you are not stupid? Gosh...I want to give all of you hugs, haha!

(also, cool account name!)

@bastian-casillas-fussballgott (omg, I spelled it!) simply said,  this means a lot to me. This seems like one of those quiet, but profound statements, and I’m happy that this little list was so meaningful. I hope it helps.

@fireferns said,  

#making a bunch of these things stuff i think and believe had helped my writing more than anything

And I wholeheartedly agree that...nothing on that list really does anything to help if you do not internalize it. It has to be something you’re just as willing to tell other people. And it’s not comprehensive! Nor is it for everyone. Many people mentioned that they actually do write better without any outside interference. That’s great--the list was just my list, and I think everyone would probably benefit from making their own, tailoring it to what works best for their writing style.

@infinitelystrangemachinex echoes my feelings:

#I am nervous about writing 100% of the time#It is the most stressful and unforgiving thing I have ever done and ever will do#but I also love it more than anything

Yes, yes! Even writing this, I am constantly thinking about how it all can go wrong, how people might be mad at me for @’ing them, or think I’m creepy for having gone through all the notes and read them...but, I just have this thing I have to get out, you know, and as terrifying and sometimes heartbreaking as it has been, nothing has ever been more rewarding to me, or caused so much positive growth in me, than my writing. And if I don’t constantly defy my anxiety, it takes hold of me and paralyzes me. So, writing is not just important. To me, it’s necessary. I imagine it’s that way for many other people, too.

@pandora15 had a conundrum:

#this is giving me inspiration to work on my clone wars fic

#but like

#i have an exam tomorrow

#so i shouldn't

#ugh but I WANT TO

#this is hard

I have to know...what did you choose?

@thetamburlaine got excited about their AU plotbunny--er, porpoise?:

this actually got me writing right away after a few weeks slump the two first points did it i think anyway for future encouragement free willy au here i come

WOW, I’m glad it helped that much--and also, wow again, a Free Willy AU? I’d never have imagined there would be fanfiction for that movie, but now that I think about it, it kinda makes sense. I’m very curious!

@irresistible-revolution said that  #i might be crying #the blogger had an emotional day y'all  and I really hope that wasn’t a bad thing. I don’t want my post to have made things worse! I hope you’re all right.

And finally, @positivelycurious writes  #needed this as I'm attempting to finally write a memoir -- A memoir, really? That’s awesome, I’ve never met anyone who’s written one, before. Good luck!

Um...okay, I think that’s all. I know that there will be more notes after this date (05/07/2017), but unfortunately it will be very hard for me to separate old from new comments and tags, so I may never be able to get to answering any more. Sorry about that, but please know that I read everything, even tags, and this post has just gone on an unbelievable journey through so many people, if only briefly. I appreciate all the feedback and hope it continues to help others get out of their writer’s block.

I also apologize if this post is in any way out of line or uncomfortable to those I’ve tagged in it. I mulled for a long time on whether or not to do it this way, rather than just sending individual messages to everyone I mention here. Again, if you want to be removed from this post, tell me and I will do so immediately. The reason I made this post is at least partially based on a post I made about two years ago, where I called out as many of my followers as I could to tell them how and why I was thankful for them. Really, that’s what I’m trying to do here, too. Although most of you do not follow me, and honestly, you probably have no reason to start, just being aware of you and your writing troubles, and the fact that I may have helped them just a little bit, makes you all very important to me. There’s so much creativity out there and I hate to see it bottled. Your gratitude and thanks have been a constant stream of comfort during a terribly stressful time in my life, and for that, I really cannot thank you enough.

Even though we’re complete and total strangers, I know you matter, and so do your stories. Do not give up on them. The world is better if they’re written, that they might fall into the hands of someone who needs them.

-Luna

[literarymadman]

The Madman wishes for artistic talent

I am just about finished with the Mass Effect trilogy to hype me up some more for Mass Effect: Andromeda dropping next month. As often happens with video games of that nature where you can tailor the protagonist to your whims, my mind ends up focusing a lot on the head canons that I have for my character. Some things just end up so beautiful in my head that I wish I could draw it...but I can’t.

Now as a writer, I have thought about jumping into fan fic to try and get these images out of my head and to share them with the world. Unfortunately, I don’t think my writing is good enough to try my hand at fanfiction. I am terrified of not living up to the glory of my fandom. So I’ve got this FemShepxLiara sweetness, Krogan vs Quanari, and Jason Voorhees fighting Iron Bull images just stuck up in the gray matter.

I could ask someone to draw what I have in my head but I have no money to pay for a commission and I really don’t wanna ask for something for for free as I understand art takes a lot of time and effort.

Anyone else have similar issuses? Anyone? Bueller?

[lunamanar]

#I Needed This

#So...I’m gonna do one of my weird things. This isn’t really to do with FFVIII, but...I feel like I owe people this. Because I’ve been watching this silly little writing power build and build and snowball, and...it just seems...so counter to the situation of the people I seem to be reaching, that I can’t just let it sit there and rack up “points” in the form of notes without taking a moment (well, a few hours at this point, but I had the time, and this is what I decided to do with it) to at least acknowledge the response. I’ve received messages from people, a flood of kind comments and tags, I’ve watched people reach out to one another to support them in their writing endeavors. Most of it has been outside this fandom, so...I apologize ahead of time if this is somewhat off-topic. 

I really don’t know how to begin talking about this, because I’m terrified it’s going to sound like I’m trying to call as much selfish attention as possible to a viral post I made by total accident. That’s not what I want to do at all, here, and please believe me when I say that I don’t think I did anything to deserve thousands of notes on what amounts to a “top ten” post of personal writing philosophies. When I posted it, I thought it might be helpful to a few very specific people in my immediate fandom circle. I never thought it would escape that circle, much less become the...giant ball of positivity that it has. Not that I’m complaining! I’m so beyond floored that it reached as far as it has, I don’t even know what to feel about it, anymore. I certainly don’t feel like I wrote anything brilliant. More than anything, I’m just...puzzled. And flattered, by how many people have been leaving kind tags and notes for me. 

The other thing that I feel about it, though, is...sadness. Sadness that so many people feel such anxiety over their writing abilities. So many personal things have been said on this post, by total strangers, about their struggles with anxiety, depression, trauma, alienation and isolation when it comes to their writing. Some people write thousands of words and post them with bated breath, only to be met with a few hits and no comments. Some people are so certain that they have nothing of value to add that they can’t even bring themselves to start. Some think they’re too old to start now, that all their peers of the same age are so far “ahead” of them, they’ll never have any hope of “catching up.” Some are embarrassed to be writing at all, then they’re unemployed and feel like they should be looking for a “real” job instead of indulging in hobbies. There are so many hundreds of ways writer’s block and blues affects people, and the reality of it is, well...I wish they would all go through the hundreds, even thousands of tags and replies simply so they could see how not alone they are in their struggles. Maybe they could even find other people who would be up to being their reading partner, so they could have someone to trade stories with. So many people posting to a void, and it’s hard to see that it should have to be that way. 

So...I mean, I don’t know what this will do, if it will do anything. This makes me feel nervous in itself, actually, because I’m not only reaching out to strangers, I’m going to be tagging people who aren’t even a part of the pleasant little community that is FFVIII. A lot of them. And maybe I’ll screw up...maybe I’ll tag someone who doesn’t want the exposure. I tried to comb through bios and take out anyone who explicitly said they were selective about who they talked to. If I tag you here, and you want me to delete your name, please send me a message and I will do so as soon as I see the request. 

But at the very least...I do want everyone I ping in this post to know that someone--me, at least--saw their response, and felt it, too. I want their stories to be written and I want them to find the audience who enjoys those stories. I’m here saying, “hey, I see you. I give a shit.” Even if I don’t know anything about whatever fandom you’re in, or if you’re writing a completely original story, or whatever...it’s important. There is nothing more tragic to me than a story aching to be shared that never sees the light of day. 

I also want to acknowledge some potential mistakes I may have made in writing that post (and this one). Few people had anything bad to say about it--and thank you all, for such tolerance of my rambles--but I am certainly not perfect, and I want to try to improve my communication where I can so I do ever less harm. 

...I guess I’ll start, then. 

Tumblr is chock full of “don’ts” when it comes to writing, and it’s my opinion that there’s just not enough love out there for the simple act of writing, itself a massive investment of time, energy and brain cells. Not every piece you write will be a success, but there is much to be said for the energy it takes to carry a story in your head, let alone take that and translate it into words so others can share the meaning it holds for you.

So, take a look at this. I posted that list sometime in...October 2016? I think? And in 7 months, 11,000 people either liked or reblogged it, and most people who reblogged it left a tag or two. By far, besides your generic “writing” or “writing advice,” the most common tag of note was this:

#I Needed This

...or something to that effect. I tried to find and count as many as I could. And I really want people to see just how many accounts out there who just happened to see a single writing tips list felt that they needed the encouragement. And those were the ones who were able to work up the nerve to say so in the comments or tags. I’m sure many more were too shy (and that’s OK). 

@finduilasnumenesse @amid-a-lightless-place @phan-band-fandoms @powerfulweak @kayteonline @anotherwinchesterfangirl @blue-phoenix-tears @requiemforthewolves @indi-flying-with-dragons @puppytoast @bxanxgtan @mcfuzzy20 @hexthespectre @purple-and-red-ribbons @fromotterspace @burn-it-slow @tehartmonkee @dutifullymadameashley @killiandameron @captainpoopweinersoldier @artlessictoan @purrtlepuff @chocolatebunnycake @argent-gale @nothingtoleave @nightmare-fantasia @midniallsnack @andromedas-daughter @my-write-mind @different-principles @tangeythetangerine @c-e-gold @random-alefiasolar @ellebeedarling @droid-to-the-world @xpress--urself @closeonmarksnosedive @thinkblueandr3d @novemblu @leopoldfitz @tonks42 @seraphim-of-the-finale @dragonshost-fanfiction @poketin @ofcoursetheymind @author-of-sins @peetaspikelets @officialao3fandomlastforever @randomfangirllaughs @thereddestglass @gaybirdkid @sailorgreywolf @strangesorceries @thecorruptedquietone @melifair @ganbareno @peanutbutterflutist @bi-antagonist @preciousgaby @atomicpen @mariamagica @comebacknow @reconfemmandoforares @happiestastronaut @marmaladephan @ayumichan46 @sergeantrooper @weldlys @bearlytolerable @thatnewcarsmeli @rozenly @notori @mymomthinksimfunny1 @sylvesterelle @edwardsisland @be-kita @cosetteskywalker @welkikitty

...I know people tend to not like vertical lists of @’s, but I just...want to illustrate that each of these tumblr names is a person who has a story to tell, is in some way struggling with their confidence level, and often, that lack of confidence is due to obscurity. Frequently, feeling intimidated by the work and popularity of one’s peers is just as pen-stopping. 

But just by skimming each of their blogs (which I did, individually--this has taken hours of my time), I can say with certainty that none of these writers are bad ones, and I wish I had the time to sit down and read everything they all had to offer, not just to make them all feel better, but because I am sincerely curious! Look at all the fandoms! Look at all the genres here! This is a veritable cornucopia of colorful ideas and potential. Most of these people are relatively unknown. If you’re in one of the fandoms you see here, aren’t you curious about what you’re missing? Goes double for people who have original novels they’re working on, but have no one to read over their script and help them with it. Seriously, isn’t there something that can be done about that? 

The second most popular tag was some variant of “thank you.” Which is very sweet, but I really don’t read that as indicating any virtue of mine so much as just another indication of need, someone who needed to read or hear that their situation isn’t hopeless, they don’t suck, and they can write that story they’re struggling with. They don’t hear anyone else telling them that on any sort of regular basis. Especially for someone who’s still trying to find their footing/niche as a writer, that’s a toxic, tragic state of being if writing is something you love. And for the record, I don’t buy for a second that love is enough to keep someone writing if no one is there to read it. Not for struggling authors and people just starting out. Silence is just as bad as, if not worse than condemnation for emerging writers. It’s one thing for an established writer to let a quiet, or disappointed crowd roll off their backs; they have the experience to know and trust in their own skill, and--largely because they already have a support network--can get back on that horse and keep writing even if they produced a lemon or two. Someone without that experience or support? Silence and strict criticism, more than anything, tends to cause a shutdown. (Yes, I’m aware there are exceptions, but in general, it’s true, and I’ve seen it again and again: “My writing doesn’t meet x standard, so what’s the point in even trying?”)

The point is that you usually have to walk before you run, and you can’t even get that far without support, encouragement, praise and redirection. You don’t even have to be an established mentor, you can be a passerby--hey that’s a nicely worded metaphor, good job...you misspelled “principle,” there--and you cannot understate just how helpful even that little interaction can be, if you’re positive about it. Even if you were flying at one point, it’s possible to fall, and if you do, you’ll need some help picking yourself back up. So when I say “don’t write in a vacuum,” that’s what I mean: even if you don’t show your work to anyone until you finish it, just knowing that there is someone out there waiting to see it, and anticipating it, willing to help you with it if you need it, and cheering you on all the while, is empowering. Isolation, on the other hand, not knowing who if anyone will even care to read your work or like it once it’s done, breeds blank pages and brain fog. Much of creativity is about communication. If there’s no one to communicate with, creativity suffocates. Unless you are a particularly talented introvert, you can only carry on a conversation with yourself for so long before all the words start to sound the same. 

So, to  @castiel-comatose, to @satari-raine, @referencesforpiamio... to

@blue-phoenix-tears @mama-sally @indi-flying-with-dragons @acidmatze @vanillaroses @fromotterspace @pristinepastel @blankinsidecards @nynynightmare @ruminationandtea @chocowl @chiyala @mag-i-cal @andromedas-daughter @megatraven @the-real-inu-girl @remsyk-blog @universe-apart @xmayleensyo @ellipsesarefun @internallydeceased @kigamin @sweeneymads @wepush @heartofpages @lauralot89 @franzwantscoffee @loveablelevi @poketin @maginpui @richard-of-windoor @yuri-on-ice-ice-babyyyy @azurethoughts @thunderstormsandcuddles @bekasyura @contentmintdraws @kurosakiami01 @strangesorceries @brynnmclean @howtotrainyouragents @lumierc @spywerewolf @yourcouragetothestickingplace @heuvelliedje @kateandtheuniverse @weeardo0 @ayumichan46 @silverbuttercups @rozenly @heartofwriting @darthshizuka @guardianmantis @gladnis-trash @firstorderelite @amiitens

...You’re welcome for the post, but it really was just...that sometimes, *I* feel isolated, and I feel like my writing is shit and no one could possibly care. But experience has taught me that there are so many reasons that’s simply an illogical sentiment, and those ten-ish items help me remember why it’s far more reasonable to assume I’m a good writer who faces the inherent difficulties of publishing in a vast sea of other writers on the Internet. In many ways, including with the list itself, I got lucky, got noticed by other people who already had a lot of followers, and through them I found people who were interested in my work, not because I’m some amazing writer (I’m not...just look at this structural disaster of a post at 5-something in the morning), but because I bothered to reach out in the first place. I’ve made similar posts several times in the past, and they didn’t go anywhere, but this time, I just ran into the right people at the right time. So it got to you, and you commented or tagged, and now you’re on this post with a bunch of other people you probably don’t know. Keep trying, and it happens, eventually. You will be seen. 

That’s the real tragedy of all this...your ability to be seen and heard is attributable as much to chance as it is anything else. And you can’t really start to make your own luck until you have some social capital. I have a few followers, and so I hope that posting this can facilitate at least a little bit more luck for everyone I mention. So don’t be scared to respond (reblog--more people see that than when you comment), and say what you’re working on that you want people to see, or that your afraid won’t be finished, or won’t turn out right. Start a conversation about it. Say what about the story is important to you. Reach out. Let people know you have a story you want to tell, one that really matters to you. Maybe give a brief synopsis--you’d be surprised how that can pique someone’s interest. Really, anything. Just keep trying. Over time, people will find you. 

Either way, point is, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but just because you left a tag on a post that helped you, someone saw you, liked you, and has every confidence that you have beautiful stories in your head that you are more than capable of putting to the keys. Whatever else you do with that information, please do not stop writing, and if you need help, maybe look through some of the people here who are or have been feeling rather invisible--there’s likely someone who shares your interests. Or just reblog, or message me, or message someone you know who maybe you haven’t thought to ask before, whatever it is you feel brave enough to do. If you want to, that is. If you don’t want to, that’s alright. I just...wanted to give everyone I saw a chance, a platform for it. 

If I have one thing to add to my list--a #11--it’s that if you have a lack of support, encouragement and visibility in your writing life, you should probably treat that as a primary obstacle to your writing, before you blame yourself or your abilities. Beating yourself up for not being able to grab people’s attention without a preexisting network isn’t fair to you, although the inclination is understandable, given the expectation people tend to have for writers to do exactly that. But the truth is, you owe it to yourself to reserve judgement on your own work until you’ve seen what you can do with that support.

Now that I’ve spend entirely too many words explaining what’s probably a very simple concept, there were a few responses to the post that I felt...like I should answer, specifically. This isn’t because these people are better than anyone in the lists above (in fact many of them are in those lists), it’s simply because they said something I happened to have a specific response to. So...here goes nothing. Making friends, I hope!

@night57byrd

replied to your post

“Things I Try to Remember When I’m Nervous About Writing”

Thank you for this advice and wisdom. I have long harbored dreams of writing but have allowed my inner inner critic hold me back. This posting has given me a tremendous boost. Thank you for the gift.

This was one of the most heartwarming comments I received, and it showed up on my dash on a day where it seemed like everything was just falling apart around me. I should thank you, for giving me the synergy boost to soldier through the rest of a very difficult day. Knowing that at least I’d done something that had helped someone that much helped me make it through without breaking down. So thank you, for your gift of strength to me. I sincerely hope you enjoy getting into the wonderful, if often stormy world of writing (and I hope you’re able to get another season out of Pitch--I’ve been meaning to give that show a shot, along with Southside With You, but it just hasn’t happened for me, yet). 

@wtf-and-shit

replied to your post

“Things I Try to Remember When I’m Nervous About Writing”

I really needed this cause I’ve been in a slump of sorts. Even asked myself “what do others want to read?”

And @whenimaunicorn has similar woes: 

sometimes i lose my own voice trying to please the whole crowd but i'm just writing 'my' story not 'the' story i gotta remember that

Asking what others want to read (or conversely, what other want you to write) is a nasty trap I’ve fallen into multiple times. It’s not even conscious, half the time, you just start worrying if the words you’re putting on the page are just going to be too weird, to boring, or just not what people want to see. You start tweaking things to better reflect what you think others want to see, and before you know it, you’re writing something you really just don’t care about at all. I really sincerely believe that the best way to keep a story from falling over dead is to be continually invested in the content, even if that means changing the story to accommodate you when your interests change. That can sometimes lead the story in strange directions, but better a story be strange than incomplete, I would think.

Several people commented about calling themselves names:

@freestridingprinces said:

One of my very cute kouhais tagged me in this. I have a terrible habit of doing all of the negative things on this list. I’ve called myself boring many times. I will stop. I would never call anyone else who I’ve ever spoken with boring. So, I’m working on staying positive and nice to myself along with you all. Thank you for being kind to me when I needed it.

while @thecrimsonarcher is similarly inclined:

#10 is my biggest issue. Honestly, judging by the lack of feedback from my writings, I have come to the conclusion that my writings lack creativity because I am unable to hold anyone’s attention. My story is a mixture between Lovecraftian horror, psychological horror, and Southern gothic. Nobody wants to read that during this day in age.

and further notes the difficulties of competing with erotica (sorry, I switch the order of paragraphs for effect):

It’s made worse when no one gives me feedback or likes the post. Was my story really that bad? Did it suck so bad it didn’t warrant a response? More often than not, I find myself deleting my progress that I post on Facebook or Tumblr. If no one will give it the time of day, why even post it? What’s the point? The only way you’ll ever get recognized for writing on Tumblr is if you do fanfics, especially erotic fanfics.

I suspect one of the reasons fanfiction is as popular as it is, is that you automatically have something of a fan base right from the getgo, because the material in question is...well, by definition, a product of fandom. It’s also just a fact of life that people love smut, and often they love it for smut’s sake, rather than paying much attention to the quality of the writing. And that’s fine! But it does make things complicated when what you write is not smut. 

One thing I would recommend is looking up some good Genfic groups. Even if you’re not planning on writing exclusively sex/relationship-free stuff, they might be a good place to start with short stories, just to build an audience and start working in the right direction to find more people who are looking for more than just getting off.

@dust2dust34 chimed in,

i've been very unkind to myself lately with blood hands     very unkind  

and @headphonesandbackpack also gives themselves a hard time,

#i need to keep that in mind #also i tend to hate my writing style #i think it's incredibly boring #i bore the shit out of myself while boring #but my french teachers seem to love what i write??? #and when i read it like a year later i think it's not that bad #i guess i need to believe in myself

There’s a lot of people out there who beat themselves up over their percieved skill level:

@lechatrouge673: I HAVE A CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEKAND I FEEL LIKE AN UTTER FRAUD

@ashethehedgehog: 

# I BEAT MYSELF UP OVER MY WRITING ALL THE TIME SO THIS IS # YEAH THIS IS NICE

@ishipmyselfwitheveryone:  +sometimes i call myself 'useless sack of severed cocks' when i won't write good  +maybe that's part of my problem

(Well...tbh, yes? haha, I can think of several politicians who are far more deserving of being called that right now...*ahem* ANYWAY...)

@dragonsinparis has some strong feelings (that I agree with) while falling to #10 even in tags:

  #i'm a lazy enough writer that i only actually get off my ass if there's a story i desperately want that I can't find  #(hence state of grace and this isn't what we meant especially)  #but what you're looking for that you can't find can be as simple as a style or an aspect or a moment or a choice  #which means that it is still rooted in your voice  #ANYWAY EVERYONE KEEP WRITING  #STORIES BUILD COMPASSION AND IF THERE IS ANYTHING WE NEED MORE OF IN THE WORLD IT IS THAT 

So the self-berating issue seems to be pretty common, if completely unnecessary. Again the ability--or inability--to be able to get the words out perfectly is held as a measure of one’s talent or potential, and frustration with that and/or a lack of feedback leads to self-abuse--or it seems that way to me, correct me if I’m wrong, or want to add to this analysis. I’m no expert...but I remember that’s kinda how it worked, for me. I thought I should be able to just be better, and additionally, I didn’t want anyone to think I was stuck-up or pretentious about my work, so I said a lot of damaging things about myself and my writing, just to keep my expectations down so I could avoid disappointment. Problem was, the more I said it, the more I believed it, and the harder it was to actually feel like writing was worth the effort. It wasn’t until very recently I found enough support for that behavior to change, and I’m much less likely to put myself down nowadays.

Several people were just happy that kindness showed up in their feed:

@litwww:  Thank you, kind person who randomly appeared on my dash ❤

@letspartyrightnowplease:  I really needed this right now as I’ve been struggling and stressing the heck out

@zodiacdog101:  Thanks dude this helped through the slump I’m going through

@classicbkrder815:  Reblog. Thanks i needed this today. Lol I’m going to read it everyday to inspire myself.

@orcaspanielmermaids:  These are some of the kindest words I’ve received all week, after struggling with RL issues on top of fighting to get out of the corner I’ve written myself into. Thank you, OP. <3

@gymleader-nick:  You have no idea how bad I needed to hear this right now.

I swear I’m not including these to fan my ego, I was just very surprised how many people seemed surprised to find something encouraging on their dash. I am very happy that the list helped! I hope it continues to. But as @dragonsinparis opined above, encouragement and compassion in the writing world appear to be in lamentably short supply.

Guilt over breaks, unfinished work and asking for attention also seems to be a big culprit of empty-page syndrome:

@beqm:  I love the ‘You’re allowed to take breaks.“ Because right now I feel like I’m being a horrible slacker. I want to write but everything else seems to bee getting in the way.

@perpetuallyfive:  #the guilt is what makes writing the hardest for me? #any time i'm struggling with something and think ''maybe switch to another piece for now'' i feel bad #any time i ask someone to look at my stuff #anytime i want to say i'm trying to write a thing and i worry i won't finish in time and then all i can think is that i never finish in time #i sometimes try not to even post a thing until another thing is half finished because there are those times when no one cares #about that last thing you posted and it's SO DISCOURAGING #like you accept that you just write for you but it makes it hard to continue the next thing when you can't stop thinking you know #maybe you're not that good anymore #maybe you never were maybe it was just the fandom you were in was fucking thirsty #writing is the worst honestly except for those limited few times when it's the best #(i've been trying to write lately. if you couldn't tell.) #anyway i'm going to reread this list a lot right now.

@icybluepenguin: #I wish I were better talking about my stories with other writers #It always helps #But I always feel so guilty

@woodlandcrowns: I'd love to have a support circle of [fanfiction] writers--or even for original stuff at timesbut I believe I'd be a bother

@effinunicorns: I need to work on the 'talking to people about my fic' thing more but it feels so awkward

#7 of the list is a quick reminder for me that however many unfinished works I have that I never tell anyone about, there are just as many behind all the finished, polished stories I see on the AO3 pages of my friends. And hey, some people are simply more prolific than others, and that’s all right. Has no bearing on your worth as a writer if you cannot churn out chapter after chapter. Focus on what you want to do, what’s exciting for you to write right now. Then go for it. At some point, you’re going to get absorbed in one of those projects until it’s finished. It might take a while, even years, but it will happen, and you’ll find your groove along the way. 

I should’ve made a 7.1: the number of finished works is not a measure of whether you’re a good writer. It’s worth considering that the purpose of writing, as an art, isn’t always to follow a story all the way to completion. If writing is a sort of “zen” thing for you, something you do to explore ideas for yourself, communicate them to others, and just enjoy and grow as a person through the process, it really doesn’t matter if the stories go unfinished, as long as you benefit from the exercise. Writing can be as much akin to meditation as it can be a job that you live off of. If that’s how it works for you, it’s still legit and you can still be extremely good at it. Even if you never finish a single piece, if it’s making your life better, don’t sweat it. Enjoy your talent for what it is. You can always hone it, but if the process of trying is both failing and causing you to lose confidence or self-esteem, maybe your writing pattern and skill is just different from that of the typical “career writer.” Maybe not, but it’s worth thinking about, and if that’s how it is for you, don’t let anyone tell you that you suck just because.

A lot of people are scared/already convinced that nothing they produce is any good and no one wants to read it: 

@formsans96:  I just feel that no one does like them that much. Even my finished works.

@canadian-buckbeaver:  I keep looking at the views and kudos of other stories and it immediately affects me. “Why am I not that popular?” “Am I not that good?” But then I read everyone’s comments… immediately feel better.

@noodle-dogs:  #I HAVE LIKE....3 BIG PLOTS IN MY HEAD RN #BUT IM JUST SCARED MY WRITING WONT BE GOOD ENOUGH 

@decembercamiecherries:  I get really nervous when writing WTWFI'm scared it won't turn out good and pple will be disappointed

@talentlessandoptimistic:  #the downside is I'm literally the only person who wants to read it #which is why I don't share it

@sandrasr91:  sometime I want to write but I don't know if it'll be any good

@itsactuallycorrine:  # i keep telling myself i just need to put words on the page # but i'm at the halfway point and doubting everything

This is writer anxiety #1, and I’m 100% convinced that (in addition to the effects of more uncontrollable factors such as clinical depression and other intrusive MI in some individuals) it results from a lack of support. If no one ever reads your stuff or says anything good about it, how are you supposed to know if it’s an effective piece of writing or not?

That’s another way of combating writing anxiety: Don’t judge stories in terms of “good” and “bad.” I tend to think of most stories as “good,” even if they’re poorly written. We all wrote crappy stories before we wrote “good” ones, but it was still good that we went through the experience of writing the crappy ones, and old stories still have a certain charm about them. 

Rather, I try to look at stories in terms of their effectiveness: did they reach the reader on a personal level? Did I communicate what I wanted to say? If so, then the piece was a success, was effective. If not, it was an ineffective piece, and I’ll just have to work on making sure the next one comes across more clearly. 

But nothing, no philosophy, no reminders, no lists can substitute for friends and writing/reading buddies. It’s so important to establish those, or you’re likely to feel isolated and distraught when you post your blood sweat and tears to a brick wall and receive nothing in response for your efforts. 

If you’re not writing fanfiction, there is a group called Critters that I cannot recommend highly enough. They call themselves a “workshop,” but really, they’re a fantastic resource for submitting manuscripts for (gentle, but useful!) critique. There’s a very reasonable, common-sense but quite in-depth etiquette for critting others’ work (people tell you when you do something RIGHT, too!), and you are required to critique a few short stories before you can submit your own, but it’s not hard, and gives you a lot of great practice on both giving and receiving writing assistance.  I used this group for a few years while I was unemployed, and the people there are wonderful and helped me a great deal. Do give it a look if you’re having a hard time finding anyone to read your work. You’ll make some friends!

There was one comment that caught my eye on this note: 

@mamakat926:  All good things I need to remember when I’m struggling to write my first fanfic…

I wish you the best of luck! The first one is always hard. And even though you’re writing fanfiction, it’s worth having a look at Critters! There’s so many resources there to help you get off the ground with your first attempts.

Of course, I have to mention the lovely @lidicores, who translated the entire post into Portuguese. I can’t read a lick of it, but that was awesome, haha! 

I needed this right now. I’ve been lacking drive to write since last november. The emptiness is excrucianting. Then a week ago a friend asked me about the story and I suddenly started to think about it again. I even reread some chapters… hopefully I’ll be back soon. Hopefully…

Oh, English is not my first language, so, don’t you worry, I’m not this bad writing in Portuguese. LOL

Having two or more languages under your belt already gives you a leg up on most writers. I hope you’re able to get back into it, soon. 

Several people expressed concern about coming back to writing after a long hiatus:

@mxrdins: #i wanna start writing fanfics too :( #i mean long ones in englisn #but am i too late with it #after all im 18 lol and there is a looooong break behind me in writing 

@sazula:  I haven't written anything in so long but i want to

@arie-172:  # i need to remind myself of so many of these# idk but it's been so long since i've written something that i had forgotten what it was to feel this way# you know the way in which you kind of second guess everything

@dragontameroutofcharacter​:  mmmmm i feel like this is · why i can't write lately tho · there isn't · anything i want to read · like honestly lately i just · want to sleep · i work and i come home and i try to stay awake until evening · i've got books i was so excited to get · that i'm still not reading · haven't even started · i miss writing ·

Just like when you’re first starting out, getting back into it is a question of connection and support, knowing who and what your resources are, and using them. And patience with, and compassion for yourself. You can’t expect the first thing you produce to be as clean as the last thing you wrote before your hiatus, so avoid comparing them. Maybe you want to try a new style or a different perspective, just for fun or to keep the results from being comparable in the first place. I really hope all of you are able to dive back in, though. And 18 is not at all too old! I skipped 3 years of writing between 16 and 19, and it didn’t take me long to get back up to speed.

One person expressed skepticism at the implications of needing/taking writing advice from a tumblr post: 

@epherians:  #I DON'T FEEL SURE WHEN I HAVE TO FIND COMFORT IN WRITING ADVICE POSTS…

I understand and even share this sentiment, and of course you’re perfectly welcome to throw all this out the window with no resentment from my end! But...I’m curious, have you ever seen the movie, Adaptation? If not, you really should. Even though it has Nick Cage in it. Or because it does, depending on your persuasion. 

Now, to a few slightly more personal responses. The first is more of a question, because I spotted this tag in one of the reblogs:  ableist language ...I wanted to ask, @arathergrimreaper, was this meant to note that I used such language in my post? If so, please let me know where I messed up so I can fix it! And I’m quite sorry if I injured anyone with some bad wording in there. 

@theladyjanes​ used the tag  such powerful words for the post, and that...I dunno, it just hit me hard. Thank you. Powerful is not often a word that is used to describe me or what I say, so I appreciate it, a lot. 

@americannoteven​ said, 

 #I've reread this about 15 times now #each time feels more and more personal #bc fuck #I should... stop being so hard on myself

Yes, please...if you can manage it, give yourself a break. I hope that the list helped you, and I hope you work through your writing struggles soon. My message and ask boxes are always open, to everyone. =)

@xbean​ wrote,

#It's taken me a while to get back into it especially when someone you called your best friend read one and made you feel like shit after the

Okay so this messed with me, because...well, because this happened to me several years ago. And I’m sorry, so sorry that that happened to you. It’s a horrible, awful feeling. I hope you can get back into the swing of writing--and if you have to, use spite and resentment to fuel your determination to write, no matter what anyone thinks about it. It’s yours. Do your thing! The best antidote for the shame and hurt is to just keep writing, and when you finally get through the pain, you will have leaned an incredible amount about what parts of your writing are yours and how to discard the pieces you put in there simply to please others. Be strong, you can make it through. 

@bamfcoyotetango​ raged,

FUCK IF I DIDN'T NEED THIS AFTER THE SHIT SHOW THAT GREETED MY LATEST CHAPTER

29 HITS FOR A CHAPTER NEARLY 2K LONG

Another awful feeling, working especially hard on a story or chapter, only to have no one comment, and hardly anyone even look at it. 

It likely isn’t that your writing is bad or even ineffectual, though. It could have been a bad time of day to post. Your normal readers just might not have been available. Did you let anyone know that the chapter was up? Try pinging them, if not. In any case, don’t immediately think that silence means it sucked and no one liked it, or that it was too boring for strangers to notice. True is, it’s really hard to make a title that gets people’s attention without designing it as pure clickbait (and if you’ve avoided that nasty habit, good on you!). 

I hope your next chapters garner more interest. Out of curiosity, what’s the story about?

@takemeawaymothman​ said, this last one really like? got to me -- and it seems like, while #1 (write what you want to read) was the most popular/cited, #10 (don’t call yourself names) had the strongest reaction...a few tags suggesting it pulled some tears. I’m a little curious as to why that is...is it really so rare for anyone to tell you that you are not stupid? Gosh...I want to give all of you hugs, haha!

(also, cool account name!)

@bastian-casillas-fussballgott​ (omg, I spelled it!) simply said,  this means a lot to me. This seems like one of those quiet, but profound statements, and I’m happy that this little list was so meaningful. I hope it helps. 

@fireferns said,  

#making a bunch of these things stuff i think and believe had helped my writing more than anything 

And I wholeheartedly agree that...nothing on that list really does anything to help if you do not internalize it. It has to be something you’re just as willing to tell other people. And it’s not comprehensive! Nor is it for everyone. Many people mentioned that they actually do write better without any outside interference. That’s great--the list was just my list, and I think everyone would probably benefit from making their own, tailoring it to what works best for their writing style. 

@infinitelystrangemachinex echoes my feelings: 

#I am nervous about writing 100% of the time#It is the most stressful and unforgiving thing I have ever done and ever will do#but I also love it more than anything

Yes, yes! Even writing this, I am constantly thinking about how it all can go wrong, how people might be mad at me for @’ing them, or think I’m creepy for having gone through all the notes and read them...but, I just have this thing I have to get out, you know, and as terrifying and sometimes heartbreaking as it has been, nothing has ever been more rewarding to me, or caused so much positive growth in me, than my writing. And if I don’t constantly defy my anxiety, it takes hold of me and paralyzes me. So, writing is not just important. To me, it’s necessary. I imagine it’s that way for many other people, too. 

@pandora15 had a conundrum: 

#this is giving me inspiration to work on my clone wars fic

#but like

#i have an exam tomorrow

#so i shouldn't

#ugh but I WANT TO

#this is hard

I have to know...what did you choose?

@thetamburlaine got excited about their AU plotbunny--er, porpoise?:

this actually got me writing right away after a few weeks slump the two first points did it i think anyway for future encouragement free willy au here i come

WOW, I’m glad it helped that much--and also, wow again, a Free Willy AU? I’d never have imagined there would be fanfiction for that movie, but now that I think about it, it kinda makes sense. I’m very curious!

@irresistible-revolution said that  #i might be crying #the blogger had an emotional day y'all  and I really hope that wasn’t a bad thing. I don’t want my post to have made things worse! I hope you’re all right. 

And finally, @positivelycurious writes  #needed this as I'm attempting to finally write a memoir -- A memoir, really? That’s awesome, I’ve never met anyone who’s written one, before. Good luck!

Um...okay, I think that’s all. I know that there will be more notes after this date (05/07/2017), but unfortunately it will be very hard for me to separate old from new comments and tags, so I may never be able to get to answering any more. Sorry about that, but please know that I read everything, even tags, and this post has just gone on an unbelievable journey through so many people, if only briefly. I appreciate all the feedback and hope it continues to help others get out of their writer’s block. 

I also apologize if this post is in any way out of line or uncomfortable to those I’ve tagged in it. I mulled for a long time on whether or not to do it this way, rather than just sending individual messages to everyone I mention here. Again, if you want to be removed from this post, tell me and I will do so immediately. The reason I made this post is at least partially based on a post I made about two years ago, where I called out as many of my followers as I could to tell them how and why I was thankful for them. Really, that’s what I’m trying to do here, too. Although most of you do not follow me, and honestly, you probably have no reason to start, just being aware of you and your writing troubles, and the fact that I may have helped them just a little bit, makes you all very important to me. There’s so much creativity out there and I hate to see it bottled. Your gratitude and thanks have been a constant stream of comfort during a terribly stressful time in my life, and for that, I really cannot thank you enough. 

Even though we’re complete and total strangers, I know you matter, and so do your stories. Do not give up on them. The world is better if they’re written, that they might fall into the hands of someone who needs them. 

-Luna