#i wish i could write college essays in my home country cause this is a banger

[canelazombie]

my favorite piece of lore abt myself is that when i was born i didnt have a nationality so the country i was staying at begrudgingly gave me their nationality ONLY for my parents to inmediatly leave and get me another nationality back in their home country so i had fooled both goverments at 0 years old

[likeshipsonthesea]

I don’t know if you take requests for nurseydex fics... but if you do the song “omg did she call him baby” by Beth McCarthy screams a heartbroken Nursey when Dex has a girlfriend

i like really can’t do genuine heartbreak but i CAN do angst that ends happy, so here’s my best shot :)

Nursey’s got a red Solo cup in one hand and a plastic champagne flute in the other and it’s sometime after three but before five and he is definitely not thinking about her or him or them together when he looks up between one sip and another to see the telltale blue hair reflecting the murky spotlights of the basement.

Nursey squints. He could be making things up--his brain is nice like that-- but he doesn’t think he’s imagining things. She’s got very distinctive hair, Dex’s--girlfriend. It’d been rather disappointing, actually, the blue hair. The whole thing had been easier to deal with when he’d been picturing some light-haired brunette going for an economics degree who smiled like a mom at soccer practice. Someone who Nursey could reasonably dislike on grounds of, like, predictability.

But no, Dex had to bring home a blue-haired physics major with a nose ring and good taste in music and the ability to out-argue Shitty while polishing off Bitty’s pie, i.e. perfect. Even Lardo couldn’t pretend like she wasn’t awesome for Nursey’s sake. Even Nursey can’t pretend like Amanda isn’t awesome for his own sake. She’s just so--so--

Nursey squints.

So-- making out with some random girl in a blouse at a frat party.

What the fuck.

Nursey is about two margaritas and three years too deep to be dealing with the emotional ramifications of catching the girlfriend of his best friend (who he’s also kind of sort of possibly maybe totally in love with) macking on some consultant for Goldman Sachs or some shit in the basement of arguably one of the worst frats at Samwell. This one doesn’t even have good music, Nursey’s only here to get drunk without the possibility of Dex calling Nursey Patrol and helping Nursey up the stairs and saying nothing about the poetry Nursey spills or the way his hands linger.

(Fuck does Nursey hate Nursey Patrol, fuck does he hate how much he loves it.)

Nursey downs the rest of the champagne flute--which was probably mostly orange juice at this point anyway-- and hands the red Solo cup to a freshman gearing himself up to talk to a cute boy a few feet away and then Nursey gets the fuck out of dodge. He manages to get a better look at the corporate recruiter Amanda is cheating on Dex with (and really, if you’re going to cheat on Dex, you’re really going to pick a chick in a blouse that probably has opinions on the stock market???) and if he hadn’t been sure before, the distinctive tattoo on Amanda’s shoulder proves that it’s really her.

(“Tattoos? Tattoos? I have tattoos.” “I know you do, Nurse.” “They’re really nice tattoos.” “I know they are, Nurse.”)

Emerging from the basement and then the frat house itself is instantly sobering. The chill from winter hasn’t quite left the air at night and Nursey wraps his arms around himself and doesn’t think about how Dex chirped him about not wearing a coat before he’d left. The frat isn’t far away from the Haus, thank god, but it is slightly farther when he turns left instead of right and then has to a backtrack a bit, but he still gets back in under ten minutes and he can still feel his hands, so overall, a win.

Attempting to get into the Haus quietly is a lost cause, given its one thousand year old floor and the fact that a ladybug could fart in the kitchen and wake up the guys in the attic. Still, Nursey gives it the good college try, which is why he’s creeping ridiculously through the living room when the light turns on suddenly and he screams, much to the amusement of Dex, standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Fuck, dude, what the fuck.”

Dex just smirks in that horribly attractive way of his. “How was the Psi-U basement?”

Nursey thinks of blue hair, washed out in the lights, Amanda’s hand on that girl’s cheek, the way Dex smiles when he’s around her. “Fine,” Nursey says, swaying.

The amusement falters and Nursey wishes he could figure out a way to keep the smile on Dex’s face the way Amanda does. Dex takes a step closer. “Are you alright?”

Nursey shakes his head violently and takes a step back, a step farther away. This is the part where he says yes, yes of course Dexy-darling, I’m right as rain, what about you? This is the part where Dex rolls his eyes and loops his arm around Nursey’s waist, his warm side pressed into Nursey’s. The part where they go upstairs, where Nursey writes his best poetry that he’s too embarrassed to write down when he’s sober, where Dex tells him to sleep well and lingers outside the doorway long enough for Nursey’s breathing to slow and then the floor creaks and Nursey knows he’s gone and wishes he’d held on just a little bit longer--

“Nursey, what’s wrong?”

Nursey shakes his head again. He means to say nothing, he means to say, I’m going to bed, he means to-- “Amanda, she--”

The concern turns to alarm. Why can’t Nursey ever make it better? “Is she alright? Did you see her? Is she okay?”

Nursey shakes his head again. He can’t seem to stop doing that. “She’s fine, she--she--” He swallows, and it’s sticky, cloying, citrusy and sweet on the back of his tongue. “She--there was this girl, she-- Amanda, she--”

Dex won’t stop frowning, concern knitting his eyebrows together with three short wrinkles, and Nursey has wanted to smooth them out with his fingertips every time he sees them since sophomore year, and he shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be telling Dex this while he’s drunk, shouldn’t be telling Dex this at all, but he’s Nursey’s friend first and Nursey has to believe he’d tell Dex regardless of the love thing, he must--

“She was kissing some girl. In the Psi-U basement.”

The wrinkles smooth out. The amusement returns. Nursey--he can’t make sense of it over the ringing in his ears. Why is Dex smiling? Did--did Nursey do that?

“Did she look like a lawyer?” he asks, and at Nursey’s confusion clarifies, “The girl Amanda was kissing. Did she look like a lawyer?” Nursey nods dumbly. Dex’s smile only grows. Nursey is so, so confused and also more in love than he’s ever been. “Finally. I just won fifty bucks.”

What the fuck. “What the fuck.”

Dex laughs--laughs. “The girl’s name is Tammy. She graduated last year and moved to Boston. Amanda’s been in love with her forever, and I bet her that she’d get with Tammy before I--” Flush appears high on Dex’s cheeks, the soft pink one that means embarrassment and Nursey imagines would taste like cherry pie against his lips.

Nursey is--still quite a bit drunk. He needs--clarification. “You--you bet your girlfriend that she would get with her friend at a frat party?”

Dex’s nose scrunches up in Nursey’s favorite way--the same way it does when he’s trying to write humanities essays, the reason Nursey always says yes when Dex asks for help. “Girlfriend? Did you think Amanda was my girlfriend?”

Nursey remembers the start, hearing about Amanda every other day, then every day, then it was, sorry I can’t come, I’m meeting Amanda at-- and then one day at Annie’s, a girl with blue hair and a sharp grin yelled Babe! from across the room and planted a kiss on Dex’s cheek, her hand lingering on his shoulder, sipping from his coffee cup, getting him to smile like that--

“Well, yeah.” Nursey’s head is spinning and, for the first time tonight, not from the gin. “Is she--is she not?”

“Oh God, no, she’s so fucking gay, dude.” Laughter twinkles in Dex’s eyes. Nursey is drunker than he’s been since freshmen year of high school when Shitty snuck in some of his dad’s hard liquor and the janitors found them on the roof singing Disney songs at the moon. Dex’s girlfriend is gay. Dex’s girlfriend isn’t his girlfriend. Dex is--is smiling at him like he smiles at his girlfriend who isn’t his girlfriend.

“Oh,” Nursey says, dazed, “chill.”

“Oh wow,” Dex grins, leaning into the doorframe, “I can’t believe you thought--and you thought telling me my girlfriend was cheating on me at 3am while shit-drunk was a good idea?”

Nursey says, “Hey, honesty is important, and I’m not--” He stops. He remembers something. He squints. “Wait. If you bet 50 bucks on Amanda getting with Tammy, who did Amanda bet you would get with?”

The cherry pie blush is back. Nursey takes an absent-minded step forward. The room feels so much lighter now that Dex’s girlfriend isn’t cheating on him. The distance between them feels so much sillier now that Dex doesn’t have a girlfriend.

“Ah, well.” Dex rubs at the back of his neck, all country bumpkin sheepish to ask his sweetheart to the dance, and--and--

“I’m the sweetheart,” Nursey realizes with the kind of crystal clarity only afforded by the most copious amounts of alcohol.

Dex’s eyebrows furrow, those sweet little wrinkles appearing between them, and Nursey takes two long strides forward and presses his thumb into them. Dex goes cross-eyed trying to watch, but moves his eyes to meet Nursey’s after a moment.

Nursey grins, likely a bit sloppy from the gin, but he can’t find it in himself to care at the moment. “I’m the sweetheart,” he repeats, beaming.

Dex tries to repress the smile at his lips. “You’re not a sweetheart.”

“Yes I am,” Nursey sings, listing forwards. “You like me.”

“You’re an asshole.” Dex’s smile grows. Nursey watches its progress and sways.

“They’re not mutually exclusive,” he says, tracking the pink lips as they spread, revealing teeth and--and tongue and--

“I hate that you can still say mutually exclusive when you’re this drunk.”

“I’m not that drunk.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm. See, I’ll prove it.”

“How do you plan on--”

If Dex’s mouth weren’t so preoccupied, he might say that the taste on Nursey’s tongue is a good indication that he is in fact fairly tipsy, but as it is--well. He’s got other things to do.

(Amanda asserts that they tied since it happened on the same night and only pays $25. Tammy throws in five more and a condom and they call it even. Nursey kisses away Dex’s protest and pockets the condom, much to Amanda’s amusement. Turns out, she’s even cooler when she isn’t dating the love of Nursey’s life.)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #479

“war sends our sons to slaughter  /  another failed attack; there is no turning back”

Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes, a video game when I was little. I was so mad, lol. Do you vent a lot on social media? No. I don't want people to get annoyed with me. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I haven't been responsible for any bills yet. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? I can't/don't do either really, but if I could, I'd probably donate to uhhhh... suicide prevention organizations. As for volunteering, definitely something with animals. Have you ever dated someone who wasn’t at all your usual type? No. What is something you have no patience for? Waiting at the doctor's office. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. What’s that you’re listening to? I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within 2. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed? We're a couple. What is your biggest accomplishment in life? Still being alive. What is one thing that you really wish you could understand, but don’t? Political stuff. Economics. Have you ever been tutored or tutored someone yourself? I had an Algebra tutor the last time I was in college, and I had to strangle an anxiety attack down because I wasn't understanding the material AT ALL and felt so dumb and annoying. I never did it again. What was the last thing you said out loud (singing doesn’t count)? "It's really embarrassing," to Mom. It really is fucking humiliating that my ankles are swollen from walking/standing more and pushing my desk chair back against the resistance of the carpet. That's pathetic. I'm trying to focus on the fact it's good my body is even reacting to moving more, though. Is everything you have on actually yours? Yep. Do you ever just randomly drive around when you’re upset about something? I don't drive, but if I did, that would NOT be my method of de-stressing. What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing an RP post. What’s your favorite department in Wal-Mart? Uh, I guess where you can go see the plants and flowers. Do you find kite flying boring? I LOVED it as a kid. I'd still probably find it kinda fun. Do you have any interest in visiting Japan? Yes, but it's not a massive interest. I've heard the humidity can kill a bitch, and I am NOT into that. Have you ever run a cash register? Yes. I sucked. Have you ever worked as a server? No. Have you ever done the Bratz challenge on YouTube? No, but I saw James Charles do it and it was v unnerving, holy shit. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? Carve. What was your worst experience in high school? My depression as a whole. How much did your senior prom dress cost you? I don't remember. Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? Three, if you include my current one. Which part of your body is the most muscular? Uh, nothing? What is the first site you check when you get online, generally? KM. Are you good at creative writing assignments? That's my forte. In elementary school, I actually won a I think county-wide creative writing short story assignment. Not to brag, but I've always been very proud of that, ha ha. Or would you rather just do an informative essay? That's easy for me too, but I prefer writing creatively. Are you more attracted to the badasses, or the goody-goody types? Definitely the goody-goodies. The "bad guys" have never appealed to me romantically. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did if I really wanted to ask something or was confident in an answer. What is something BIG you want to do with your life? Make a difference, somehow. What do you think of people who own wild animals? Do NOT just casually take in animals from the wild. That's selfish and just generally disgusting. If you're going to keep an animal generally described as wild and undomesticated, you'd better have a license and deserve that license. Know what you're doing and be certain that keeping the animal in captivity is in the animal's best interest for its unique case. Are you good at explaining things, in general? NOOOOOOOOO, I suck at that. Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? Not our mall, no. Its stores suck/are extremely limited, and SO much crime has happened there. Do you like window shopping? Why or why not? YESSSSSSS, mostly on Morph Market, a mostly reptile selling hub online. You can browse TONS of breeders and literally thousands of reptiles, especially ball pythons. They even have a tarantula section I like to look at sometimes. If you lost your job/home/etc., who would likely help you? If I'm losing my home, I'm assuming my mom is gone, so my dad. Why did you first kiss the last person you kissed? We were a couple and I felt like I was supposed to. At that time I didn't see him romantically, but I desperately wanted to. Funny how we're back together and I've no reservations against kissing him now. Feelings change, for sure. Plans for tonight? Girt and I will probably play some WoW Classic together. We've started playing that together, and it's lots of fun with him. :') Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? Actually, no. Have you ever been kissed in a car? Yeah. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know Girt does. Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? My mom. Who last made you smile? Girt, 'cuz he's a sweetheart. Where is your mother? She's in bed in her room. She feels like shit. Like, you would think she WASN'T vaccinated, though her long-time doctor has said she'd probably be dead without it while having Covid. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Think about your biggest mistake, would you go back and change it? I absolutely would. Are you dating the person you last kissed? Yeup. What is the most immature item you own and actually use? Um. Idk. Do you always take a shower after you have sex? I... didn't know people did this? Like I know women are advised to pee after sex, but full-on showering? No. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Oh hell yeah. Are your parents proud of you? They claim to be. I don't see how. Are you interested in the ocean? Yeah; it's inarguably so fascinating. Hot dogs or hamburgers? I prefer burgers. Have you ever been to a Chinatown in any of the cities you’ve been to? No. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. Do you have any dietary restrictions? No. Have you ever turned down a job offer? No. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A dog named Cali that was a boxer mix. Do you ever pray, even if you don't believe in God? What exactly is the point if you don't believe in God...? Anyway, I don't. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand before? No. What's the shortest or longest length you've ever had your hair grow? To around the small of my back. The last nest you saw - was it a bird nest or a hornet's nest? I think a bird's? Do you enjoy Jeff Dunham? I don't know if I'd like him as a person, but I do think he's a funny comedian. Who is your favorite character from Frozen? I was never into the movies. I do think Elsa is kinda cool (no pun intended, lol), though. I like that she has her flaws. Did you finish high school? If not, do you plan on doing so? I did. Have you been in a simulator that mimicked a submarine or rollercoaster? A rollercoaster, yes. How often do you go out to eat instead of cooking for yourself? Mom and I try to avoid fast food for our health. We do a pretty good job at it, but sometimes for convenience's sake, we do eat it. What is the largest family of siblings that you know of? This is probably gonna come across as very judgmental, but... it really bothers me. I don't know how many kids she has now, but one of the dance moms from the studio has SO many children; I've completely lost count. Now if you want that many kids and can provide for them, that's cool. But that's not the case. She uses the "if God wants me to have a baby, then it will happen" mentality, and I'm just like... um, no hunny. Poor choices are leading to kids you're not adequately providing for. She uses no methods of protection and literally has twins whose room is a fucking closet. Ugh it just really bothers me. What foreign languages were offered to you at school? A whole lot. Only Spanish and I believe French were offered as in-school courses, but there were lots of online classes. If you were required to take a course right now, what would you choose? Photography. Team Biden or Team Trump? Over my dead body would I have voted for Trump. My vote went with Biden. What is an animal native to your country that may not exist in others? Bison are factually exclusive to North America. Note that bison and buffalo are different. What are some of your favorite autumn activities? Taking pictures of fall scenery. <3 What are some of your favorite winter activities? Going out in the snow. :') Especially with a camera. Do you eat a shit-ton the week before your period? uuugggghhHHHHHH yes Wendy's, McDonalds, or Burger King? Wendy's. What's the weirdest question you've ever asked Alexa? I've never asked Alexa anything. Do you prefer your apple cider to be warm or cold? I've actually never had it. Do you prefer your coffee hot or iced? Y'all know the story of me and coffee. Can you sing the alphabet backwards? I can't. Have you ever sent flowers or chocolates to yourself before? Ha ha, no. Is there any meat that you won't eat? Yeah, fish and ANYTHING that comes from a wild animal. Does your cat use anything other than it's scratching post as a scratcher? When we got him a scratcher WITH CATNIP, the lil butthead ignored it. -_- He scratches the carpet instead. Did you go through a vampire craze before? Are you still going through it? Nah. Have you ever forged your parents' signature on a poor test paper, etc? No. Has a bird ever pooped on you before? Omg, no. I'd die. Have you ever been sprayed by a skunk before? No. Are black jellybeans delicious or disgusting? I HATE them. Have you ever rolled down a grassy hill before? I have! I miss that.

[snow-whiteandred-rose]

He proposes to you - Hyung line

A/N: Hey everybody, this took me a little bit longer. I´m sorry, but I finally did it. So lean back and enjoy my writing. Vanessa :) word count: 4,4 k

Namjoon

You sighed and leaned back in your chair. Your back hurt because you already sat to long at your desk but the work didn’t do by itself and you had to finish the interpretation until tomorrow. At the moment you were dealing with ‘Pride and Prejudice’ in college and you have to write an interpretation about this novel. The relationship of the main characters Jane and Mr. Darcy had to be analyzed by looking at the living conditions of that time. The deadline was the day after tomorrow and there was still quite a bit missing. You really loved that novel and you had read it so many times, not to mention watching the movie, so it was an easy task for you to write this interpretation. You could say that your hearts blood is flowing into it. You remember how you went insane when you read the book for the first time, because you could not understand their pride. You wanted to shake both characters to finally talk honestly with each other. A look on your phone showed you that you have three missed calls from your boyfriend and quickly texted him back to say that you were sorry. He answered that he will come around and bring along something for dinner. You sighed again but this time it was because you thought about whether you two will ever get married. Namjoon and you were together for four years and he never talked with you about this, so you didn’t know his intentions. On this subject, you didn't want to make the first move, and you didn't really want to be the one to propose. Not that you find it abnormal for a woman to propose, but you were just too proud. You smiled when you noticed that you weren’t better then the two Protagonists. Maybe you should also overcome your pride when it was what you wanted and you know your boyfriend. Maybe he wanted to marry you two but just kept putting it off because he had so many other thoughts in his head. A few seconds later you heard the door open and Namjoon entered the apartment. “Y/N, I’m home,” he called and you walked out of your room to greet him. “Joonie, I’m happy you are home now.” He hugged you and stroke with his fingers above your back. You linger a short time before you were interrupted by the growl of you stomach. He laughed. “I’m sorry I was so busy with my essay that I haven't been able to get anything to eat.” “Seems like I’m coming home to the right time... at least I'm punctual for once.” Namjoon said and separated from you to entered the kitchen and brought some plates. You closed your eyes when you took the first spoons of your food. It was always a good feeling when you were hungry and you could finally eat something you liked. “How was the studio today? Did you guys made any progress?” You asked him. “Yeah it was good until Jimin and Taehyung started to fight about Dumplings,” he sighed and rolled his eyes. “What? Why they fought about it?” “They fought about eating them before or after practice. Could you believe it? I sent both out after a while to clarify this. They came back after a while but ignored each other. I have never seen them like this, I hope they are okay. I mean... dumplings really? I will see how it will be the next days before I will talk to them. It is better when they handle it on their own.” He explained and didn’t seem amused. “It’s gonna be alright, you will see. Don’t worry. They are friends and it is normal to fight. By the way... you always do a great job as a leader.” You cheered him up. “Thanks Jagi, but enough about me. How was your day?” “I am still writing my interpretation, but it will be finished soon. It's really fascinating how you empathize with the characters when you are in the matter. Sometimes both characters just drive me crazy and I just want to yell at them because it could have been much easier,” you started to get upset. “I can understand you, both characters should have spoken to each other properly and put their pride aside much sooner. But luckily, it had a happy ending and everything worked out fine. Imagine if we had lived at that time. Your parents would have married you to me right then and there to keep you safe.” His words made you tensed up because it was the first time that he spoke to you about this subject even if was only via detours. Besides, you did not want to realize that this was the main reason why you "should" have married him if you had lived at this time. “Luckily we live now and that isn’t longer necessarily reason to get married. There are so many other reasons like love and be together with his soulmate, caring for the other one, trust and loality,” you answered and blushed a little bit because you had the feeling that you spoke out of your soul. “I agree with you and by the way these are all descriptions that apply to us, so what do you mean? Should we get married?” He simply said and your mouth remains opened. “Did you mean that?” “Of course, why not? I have wanted to marry you since we started dating. You are everything I have ever wanted. To only reason why I have never asked you is my schedule. I don’t want my wife to be alone all the time and I know it isn’t easy...” He said and you could see the sadness in his eyes. You stood up from your chair and sat on his lap. “What is going to be easy in life? We love each other and that is everything that counts,” you leaned your head against his chest and smiled. “Than let’s get married! I hope you've really thought this through. After all, I'm not the best man in my own right, and I can't lose our wedding rings.”

Seokjin

It was one of the last concerts of the tour, so your boyfriend was finally back in Seoul. The last three months you two were apart. Logically it was a world tour and he traveled to an uncountable number of countries over the world. Because of your job it wasn’t possible for you to join him. You were really upset about that. You didn’t like it when you were apart from each other for so long, it was really hard. But even the distance couldn’t harm you. Jin and you always wrote each other or made video calls. He also sent you a picture everyday he visited a new city. Even when he was upset that you couldn’t visit him, he understood it and didn’t give you rejection. Your job was important as well. And then finally after all the waiting it was the day when he was back in town and they had the last final concerts in Seoul. You couldn’t think straight the whole day because you couldn’t wait to see him again. You were a nervous mess when you arrived at the Stadium and showed the security your pass and they gave you a smile when you entered. You walked a few steps until you heard Jins loud laugh. It wasn’t to overhear and that sound you would recognized under thousands of other noises. You felt like your chest was going to burst so hard your heart was beating. The first one you saw was Jungkook who was about to drop everything to hug you. “Noona! I’m so happy that you are here. We missed you.” You smiled while hugged him back. “Hey Kookie, I’m also happy that you are back. It was a little bit boring without you guys.” “Next time you really have to join us! It’s gonna be more fun with you and also Jin hyungs whining that he misses you became annoying the last few days. So I’m glad that this is over now.” The youngest rolled his eyes and you tried to hide your smile. “What am I hearing? I have never complained!” There he was, your beloved boyfriend you also missed so much. “Princess! You are here!” Jin called and pulled you tight. You throw yourself in his arms and rest your head against his chest. It was so good to feel his arms around you. “Oh, no? And who was it who always made a face mask the last evenings, because his handsome face is so stressed by crying?” Jimin threw in and put his armes around you two to cuddle and you chuckled about his words. “I can’t remember, it wasn’t me... and enough now! I don't want you bugging her after the first few minutes.” Jin defended himself and tried to push Jimin away from you so he could be alone with you. “You can do it with out us by the way,” Jimin laughed but pulled Jungkook away with him to give you two some alone time, even if it was just for a few minutes. When you were alone he put your face between his hands and leaned his head forward to connect your lips. You put your arms around your back and pulled him closer to you. It was the first kiss after three months and it felt like your first kiss ever. Far to early he separated from you and with his thumb he stroke above your cheek. You bit your lower lip and missed his lips already. “Did you miss my handsome face Princess?” Jin asked you caused you to roll your eyes. “Yes of course but much more I just missed all this, you around me. I have even miss your bad dad jokes.” “Oh by the way...” he was about to tell a joke. “That doesn’t mean that you have to tell a joke now... save it for later.” “You'll be laughing so hard you won't be able to sleep tonight.” “We will see but I think you have to get ready now.” You said and reminded him were you were. “You are right. Then I'm gonna make sure that my face gets even more handsome if that's even possible.” He laughed and drags you with him in the dressing room. As you entered you were greeted immediately by all the others who hadn’t yet seen you and it gave you a warm feeling of security. It was nice to realize that they missed you too and it felt like home. For the next hour you sat there and watched them all get ready together and put on the first stage outfit and suddenly it was time for them to perform. You could hear all the Armys scream and calling their names. You hugged each of them before they entered the trapdoor and wish them good luck. Jin gave you a wink before they drove up and the crowd cheered. You loved watching them perform and how they blossomed when they were cheered on. For the next two and a half hours you could feel like a fan too. The only difference to the others was that you were backstage and Jin's girlfriend. One or two times there were tears in your eyes, because you were so carried away by everything and because it was so good to see them together on stage. And then it was almost over and everyone started to say goodbye. Their words did not make your emotional state any better and your boyfriends words as well: "I would also like to thank someone very special this evening... my wonderful girlfriend. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be with you for the last 3 months. I thank you for always being there for me and supporting me. Princess, can you come up on stage, please?" What? You're freezing. You didn't see that coming. You saw Jin looking in your direction, but you just shook your head. Whatever it was, you were sure he could tell you later. "Y/N now, come on." Jimin and Taehyung jumped in your direction. "Come on, trust him. You don't have to be afraid," Tae whispered to you before they took your hand and pulled you onto the stage until you stood in front of Jin. "Y/N I know it's not always easy being my girlfriend. I'm so glad you're here. You're my home and everything is easier with you around. You give me strength even in the darkest hours and I know that I always want to be with you. So I'm going to ask you an important question now," he pointed into the stadium where suddenly Armybombs started to light up until a very simple question was read. "Will you marry me?" You were speechless, it was a far too beautiful and incomprehensible a moment. "Yes, yes, I will Jinnie!" you say, throwing yourself into his arms. Everyone around you started to cheer and the members congratulated you one by one. The fact that Mikrokosmos was played as the last song didn't make it better. Your make-up, which had already ran off anyway, was now even more ruined, but never mind. Jin gave you a handkerchief so you could at least remove a part of it. At the end you float in a balloon over the audience and said goodbye to everyone. Jin hold you tight and you smiled and couldn't be happier.

Yoongi

You couldn’t hide it, you were worried about him. It was obvious that he was sick and he still beat the nights around his ears in the studio to work on his mixtape. You knew that there was a deadline he wanted to meet but exposing his body to even more stress than he already had was just not good for him. You already had a fight about this yesterday morning and your concerns only made him blame you for not understanding because you never were in a situation like this and you never will be because you weren’t an Idol. His words really hurt you because all you wanted was that he took care of his body and health. But it’s no use. In the evening (or better say night) he came home exhausted as everyday and fell into bed coughing and sniffling. You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t resist to look at him. His face was white and he had beads of sweat on his forehead. It was obvious that he had a fever. Even when you were still a little angry about his words you wanted to take care of him. So you got a cold cloth and sat down beside him. You started to carefully dabbing his face. He shrugged because of the coldness but relaxed when he noticed that it was just you. “Jagi...I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it, like that” he mumbled but it was quite hard to understand him and you noticed how tiring it was for him to talk. “Shhh, It’s okay, I’m here. I will take care of you,” you answered and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead. He closed his eyes again and leaned into your touch. You freshened up that rag and observe how his breathing became deep and calmer. You were just getting up to get yourself ready for bed when you heard his quite murmured words. “Mm... mmmaarryy meee.” But before you could say anything he turned around a bit and you could just hear his soft snores. He couldn’t really be serious... Yes you two were a couple for already 3 years but you never thought Yoongi even wanted to get married. For sure it was the fever and he didn’t meant it. But you must admit that the imagination of you and him in front of the altar made you happy and now when he “started” to bringing the topic you hope that it became real. Even the next morning you tried to act normal and didn’t let it on. Yoongi was still in the bedroom and you already were awake and started to made some medicine for him. If you couldn't stop him from going to the studio, then at least you wanted to take the best possible care of him and try to make it more bearable. So at first you made some Onion juice and Sage tea against the cough and sore throat. For lunch you made him some chicken soup, as your mom always says: is helps every time. You were still tinkering when he entered the kitchen. “Morning Jagi, what is all this?” You smiled at him and answered:”I made you something against the cold. I want that you felt better, so I searched the internet for some good home made medicine.” You could see how his eyes light up with your words, he was touched. He lifted the can with the onions and pulled a disgusted face: ”What’s this?” “That’s onion juice, helps against your cough. Stop looking like that! It really helps!” You laughed and hits him playfully. “I hope so! I better not turn into a frog after this!” You rolled your eyes and concentrated on your work again. Yoongi stood behind you and put his arms around your waist. He rested his chin on your head. “I’m really sorry for yesterday, I was just frustrated... I know that isn’t an excuse. I hope you forgive me,” he said sadly. You turned around in his embrace and fold your arms behind his neck. “I know, that you didn’t meant it. I didn't wanted to put so much pressure on you, I was just worried. But it is your decision.” He stroke with his thumb over your cheek. “I seem to remember very faintly that I have said it before in the night, but I repeat it again... Marry me.” You tensed up and looked shocked in his eyes. “What?” “Marry me, please,” He repeated his last words. “Do you really mean it? I didn't know you even wanted to get married,” you said thoughtful. He sighed and took your hands in his and looked shyly on the ground. “Yes, I never really thought about it before, but during the last days I noticed once again how happy I can be to have you. You take care of me even though I'm an idiot and don't deserve it. But I love it so much, I love you so much and I want to take care of you as well. Please be my wife.” You were shocked, it was rarely that Yoongi revealed his feelings that way and it caused that a few tears appeared in your eyes. “Oh Yoongs, at first, Yes you are an idiot sometimes, but you are my idiot and second you don’t have to marry me to take care of me, but Yes! I’d love to be your wife.” Your words made him smile and rolled his eyes at the same time. “Really? I try to say something romantic and then you make fun of it.” He pulled you back in his arms and he rested his forehead against yours. “I’m sorry when I destroyed your proposal. I loved your words. They were really cute.” “I love you, Jagi.” And then finally he tilted his head down to kiss you softly.

Hoseok

“And why did I have to do these mysteries to find you? Why can’t we just met at the address you gave to me?” You signed and dropped the note with the start coordinates. “Because so it is more fun! Don’t worry you will see, when you find me.” He put his hands on your shoulders. “But why we can’t make the tasks together?” Now it was his time to sighed. “Because it doesn’t work with my surprise but you have Y/F/N, she will help you. I really think it’s gonna be fun,” Hobi answered and quickly looked on his watch, “Oh, I it’s getting late, I have to go. See you later love, I can’t wait.” He gave you a soft kiss before he left the apartment and let you back alone. It was your seventh anniversary and it was tradition that always Hobi planned that day for the two of you. So the last times it was sometimes extravagant like a sightseeing trip in another city or just a comfortable evening when you both have dinner together. This year it was obviously the first one. Today your energetic boyfriend was more excited and jittery than normal. It was a little bit scary because you never thought that this was possible. Even when you were just happy to do something comfortable with him like a movie evening and cuddle on the sofa, you played along to make him happy because you didn’t want to ruin his efforts. You loved the way he was focused on the things he loved to do and you knew the efforts would be worthwhile. A quarter of a hour later your best friend knocked on your door and it was your sign that it was time to go. So you took the note and the compass he gave you and opened the door. “I’m so exited!” Your best friend yelled and hugged you. “Of course you are. Nothing I wouldn't have expected. I’m so happy that we can do it together. You know the destination?” You wiggled your eyebrow. “Yes I know it, but that doesn’t mean that I will tell you. We have to do the tasks,” she she admonished you. “It was worth a try. So I hope you can tell me how I have to use the GPS tracker.” You both spend a look at the instructions and it wasn’t difficult as expected. After a few minutes you got the hang on it and you were on your way to your first destination. Surprisingly it was your old school Hobi and you had visited together. There was a lot of activity in the schoolyard, so it won't be noticed that you two are entering the school building. The tracker leaded you to your old classroom which was now empty. You smiled when you looked around and the memories came back. Sometimes it felt like it was yesterday that he picked you up after class to ask you out on a date. You went towards your desk and sat down. According to the tracker this must be the first destination. “Do you see something?” Your best friend asked but you shook your head. “Maybe you have to look in the desk.” No sooner said than done and you lift up the tabletop. A letter came to light and you smiled when you recognized his hand writing. Congratulations! The first stage has been completed. I don't know if I ever told you how excited I was back then. But it was the best decision of my life to summon up the courage to asked you out. Do you remember our first date? Go to that place and you will find the next instructions. You ran your fingers over his writing and smiled. “It’s so cute. You both really deserve each other. I’m so happy that you have him,”Y/F stood right beside and had also read his letter. “Me as well. So come on, let us go to the place of our first date... The ice cream parlour.” And so it went on from station to station. All the places you visited where places where you both had experience something together. It was a time travel through your shared history like your first kiss, when he told you that he loved you and so on. The one place you couldn't do anything with was the last. It was the address of a remote park and the last hint also wasn’t very meaningful. “You think we're really in the right place? I've never been here before. Maybe we entered something wrong,” You asked your friend concerned. “Trust me, it’s the right address. I have to leave now. The last path you have to go on your own.” “What? Why?” “You will see and don’t forget: it’s your anniversary,” she winked and hugged you to goodbye. You shrugged your shoulders and went along the path. Around you there were green meadows and many beds with colorful flowers. At the end was a white arch which was overgrown with green tendrils. Under him stood Hobi and waited of you. You smiled when you saw him and ran towards him. “Thank you for everything, it was so touching to recall all these memories.” “I’m glad you like it, sunshine. But it still isn’t the end of our journey. I have one last thing I want to say” he answered and you noticed that he was really nervous. “Hobi it’s just me. You can tell my everything.” You took his face in your hands and he took a deep breath before he started to talk. “Sunshine, I love you. You a the reason for my positivity because you always support me no matter what. All these memories you saw today wouldn't have been anywhere near as beautiful without you. We have experienced everything important in our lives together. So I thought that we also should go this part together,” Hobi took your hands and and looked at you,“Sunshine will you marry me?” You hold your breath before you fell in his arms. “Of course, Hobi. I will.” It was the moment when you two started to cry in each arms. After a few seconds he separated from you and reach in his jacket to bringing out a rectangular box. It was a gold ring with a green diamond. “I hope you like it, the stone reminds me of your eyes. That’s why I choose it.” “it's so beautiful, thank you so much.” “And now that we've cleared that up, we can finally enjoy the evening together,” he smiled and kissed you again.

[edenamador]

100 Things about My Father

I forgot I was a poet. Skip down for the poem that came to me as clear as a crystal last night. Trigger warning - Suicide. 

I mean I have an inclination toward having dreams at night, 

thinking they have deeper meaning, and waking up with music in my head at 1:15am in the morning. 

There is something about 1:15 in the morning which has a razor sharp precision to it. Even though I’m more of a disconnected abstraction. Some constellation of stars nobody has given meaning to. Dreaming about that straight crush in college twice in one night. All this after in real life, oh and he was a poet too, now in grad school, who knows if he is the happy academic he craved to be. Who knows if he is still writing poetry or writing technical sentences with so much jargon nobody can understand. . . 

Its all rambly. I know it is annoying but that is how it comes to me. He asked me if I had followed the spirit and I told him I wrote the poem I was suppose to write. He was proud of me, like a dead ghost now, I loved him then but he is a stranger in a distant land now.

Yes, I was at Target, a place I worked so long ago and a previous co-worker said to me, “You look poetic, like you could be a poet.”

I didn’t know what to say but now I am dreaming of my poetic college muse and he is telling me to follow the spirit just as Beauvoir so now I’m on tumblr again because of that Target co-worker who said I should have a blog and get a following. An idea I laugh at because my poetry is well, I am poetic, I am not exactly a poet if I’m not writing poetry. So I guess I will share what came to me last night. At least a draft. 

My mother always says, “You have choices to make.”

So when my boyfriend says, “You never talk about your father,” and then asks, “Why is that?” 

I pause and my mother’s voice repeats, “You have choices to make.”

I could say a hundred things about the same thing. Like a simple fact about the color of a chair, “My father is dead.”

It sounds like, “The chair is red.”

1. My father died. 

My boyfriend might ask how he passed away which means I have to say more. This leaves me with more choices but I haven’t even jumped the first hurdle. I don’t even run track but the baton has been given to me, “How did he die?” I could have anticipated the next question and already answered it more bluntly. 

2. My father blew his brains out.

If I want to keep my boyfriend I should frame things particular to his way of life. That would be too precise and come off as indifferent like my father never mattered to me. He didn’t.

3. He died when I was four. 

Again, if I put it this way he might ask, “How?” and I would get to say

4. He loaded a pistol. I think it was a .45 pistol or a glock, and took the weapon to rat lake where he blew his brains out. 

If I present it with “when I was four” the cold way in which I say, “He blew his responsibilities away,” pops like a childhood bubble.

5. He’s pushing up daisies. 

6. He’s seven feet under. 

7. He croaked. 

Before the gun fire went off out in the country where only the frogs and flora of the boreal northern forests would hear it the American toads reed. When the gunfire went off silence consumed the forest for a few minutes before returning to normal a few minutes later. A few hours later, with the loons calling, a friend of my father’s came across his body and reported it to the authorities. 

8. My father was a mail carrier.

I could have said this as it would have delayed revealing the information about the death of my father, and how he died, the conversation about the long term effect it had on my psychology and the psychological impact on the rest of my family. Though, according to my mother everything turned out fine. Which is why as I approach 30 years old I am waking up in the middle of the night because I’m having dreams about people in graduate school programs saying, “He doesn’t even talk about his father! He talks about Black Lives Matter, Marxism, Gender Theory and all this crap, but he hasn’t even mentioned his father.”

9. My father is out of the picture. 

10. I would rather not talk about my father. 

11. I didn’t know much about my father. 

12. I don’t remember much about my father. 

13. My father left me with dry skin and a proclivity toward depression. 

14. My mother was a single mother. 

15. I guess I don’t talk about my father. Hugh, I wonder why that is. 

I like this because I can act like I’m just as dumbfounded by it as my boyfriend is. Creative writer circles often told me I am not concrete enough. So I guess we were sitting at a park in Hutchinson Minnesota when my boyfriend at the time asked this question. A few years later when the relationship had faded and I asked to be dating again he told me, “Some gay men have issues.” While I cried about it and refused to speak to him ever again he was right. I was a gay man with issues, daddy issues to be exact. 

16. My father had a beard. 

17. My father was an alcoholic and when my mother said she had enough he couldn’t handle it and blew his brains out. 

This one is the worst of them. It sounds like my mother caused my father to commit suicide. Nobody but my father took a gun to his head and blew his brains out. 

18. My mother never remarried after my father was out of the picture. 

Again, I could say this but it remains vague enough to lead to other questions any intimate partner would have the right to know. Or perhaps nobody has the right to know about my father and that I have the right not to talk about him to anyone. “Did they get a divorce?”

19. Do we have to talk about this. I’d rather not talk about this because I am not ready to reveal that story and its long term effects on me. Look, it’s a nice day and I’m happy talking about a million other things. 

This might indicate I lack the trust necessary to share that story. He may take it personally and think that our relationship should be more open. Or he might respect that answer and remain curious. Most people would talk about both their parents openly and in positive ways.

20. All the options in my life have been formed by my father’s decision to kill himself.

21. He killed himself. 

22. He offed himself. 

23. He decided he no longer wished to live. 

24. When given the option between suicide and coffee he chose suicide. 

25. I need counseling to answer that question. 

My mother was right. The choices were really endless. I could even use the same word presented in a different way. There were a lot of strategies for answering this question. Even after the question was asked I kept gathering new academic methodologies to answer the question, “Why don’t you talk about your father?”

26. If I open up about him I’m afraid I will scare you away because if I talk about my father I am admitting that I am a flawed human being with an abnormal childhood upbringing. 

Again, more options appear even if I avoid the subject of my father all together. It seems that certain events have greater effect on the long term psychology of the individual than others. But was my childhood “abnormal” or was my mother “doing the best she could” in situations which were out of her control? But it couldn’t of been out of her control. . . “Everybody has choices to make. . .”

27. “My father died when I was four.”

28. “I was four when my father died.”

I cannot remember which of these I used but it was one of the two. So I said what I thought in the moment. I paused. I know I paused and my boyfriend said, “Only if you are comfortable talking about it.”

29. I might cry if I talk about my father. But I don’t think I will. I usually don’t but its sad. Don’t be sorry, you didn’t do anything. Why do people say sorry when I say this? What personal responsibility did they have for it? Why do I have to answer this question? Why will this question always come up when in relationships? 

30. His death effect me because I was too young. 

That’s a lie because I know it impacted the whole trajectory of my life. There were material consequences. For example his life was attached to the union. This left my mother with a small financial cushion to fall back on when she was left to raise three children. While it may have been small it was enough for her to go to college for ten years and get a bachelor’s degree in education. 

31. I never talk about my father because then I have to talk about my mother. My mother looks like an American hero for the choices she didn’t make but talking about my mother also reveals the hidden demons I am not suppose to talk about as it might make her look bad. 

32. I never talk about my father because it usually becomes a really long essay about masculinity, the effects of neo-liberal feminism, and requires a master’s degree in sociology and a Ph.D. in philosophy to get to the bottom of it. It requires skill, tact, intelligence, emotional strength, and persistence to answer with any certainty. It’s a philosophical question at heart and I am not a philosopher, I am merely a subject exposed to systems of power which shape my experience in a world I did not create. 

“Why don’t you talk about your father?”

33. Why did he commit suicide? Why did my brother point a gun to my head? Why did my mother trust a teenager to get me to and from school going ninety miles an hour down icy unplowed country roads at seven in the morning? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why is the sky blue?

34. He’s sinking in the swamps. 

35. The worms are feeding on his body. 

36. He’s dead. 

37. He’s gone. 

38. He’s no longer with us. 

If at this point the possibilities seem pointless, redundant, or obnoxious, imagine being at work when a co-worker flippantly says, “I’m ready to blow my brains out.”

39. My father hurt his back and wouldn’t go to see the doctor. It was severe pain and he couldn’t really talk about it. He drank his physical and mental pains away. Sometimes he would come home drunk and punch walls in. I do remember waking up to the sound of shattering glass. The stove glass broke because my father kicked it in during one of his masculine temper tantrums. 

40. I didn’t know it when it was first asked but I now think my father died because of hyper-masculinity. I don’t think he was allowed to express any of the emotional or physical hardships he had. He likely had depression and was obviously having thoughts of suicide. Other’s in the family had committed suicide and had mental issues. When I go to the psychologist they show me genetic connections but as a sociology major I am thinking more about the limits on men expressing emotions. My father couldn’t express his emotions, that’s for sure, so he likely imploded, quite literally. 

41. I don’t mean to come off as cold hearted or disconnected, it’s just that the death of my father strikes me more as an abstraction than a concrete reality. When it does come up I am reminded of my differences, my class upbringing, the social values that played out in my childhood. 

42. For my brother my father was a something which became a nothing. For me my father is a nothing who, when asked about his existence, becomes a something that should have been, but wasn’t. 

43. By opening up about my father I cannot really say who he is without explaining who he was not and for me he was more of a not than a was. 

44. “Your father loved you,” my aunt says. 

45. My father bought two stuffed monkeys. The monkey was Abu from the Disney show Aladdin. He did this a few months before he killed myself. In addition to that he also bought me a small baseball glove. My uncle on my mother’s side went with my dad to the store to pick these up. My uncle says he was likely planning his suicide during this time and asked my mother that we hide these items when my uncle was around so he wouldn’t be reminded of my father’s suicide.

How could my father have loved me if he blew his brains out? It hardly seems like an act of love to abandon your child at the age of four. 

46. “God has a plan for everyone and even though it may not make sense to us down here there is a plan and there is nothing we can do about it.” Likely something my pastor said or something my grandmother said or something someone said along the way. When on a date with an attractive suitable man one doesn’t want to delve into religious theology and questions about the existence of God, determinism versus free will, the meaning of life, and deeper levels of spiritual enlightenment, or lack there of. One wants to eat ice cream, giggle about some superfluous thing, and see if one can see some concrete shape in the clouds: its a duck, a bird, a dinosaur, a giraffe. What do you see when you look at the sky? Is there something more out there? 

When asked about my father I am asked about a whole series of causal effects. When asked about my father I am asked to see myself as an object in the world formed by what the existentialists refer to as facticity. At this moment I free myself from the container which shaped me and am allowed to reconstruct the object that I am as I choose. 

I also begin to ask myself, “what if things had played out differently,” as I am prone to ask the questions I was told weren’t worth asking. I was told there were no answers to them but the questions which don’t have answers are the questions I like the most. So being asked about my father is really asking me who I am and how I became who I am. I am inclined to answer if one has the time for it. Most people don’t have the time, the intellect, the patience, the attention span, or the emotional capacity for such things. So I prefer to say, 

47. “Shh, daddy is sleeping. We must not wake him. He’s a terrible ghost. Let’s play hide and seek with death! Can you count to one hundred?”

48. “In any case, that little boy didn’t want to grow up for fear of becoming serious.” pg. 327 Jean Paul Sartre War Diaries

49. “But as soon as man grasps himself as free, and wishes to use his freedom, all his activity is a game: he’s its first principle; he escapes the world by his nature; he himself ordains the value and rules of his acts, and agrees to pay up only according the the rules he has himself ordained and defined.” 326 Jean Paul Sartre 

50. “And man is serious when he forgets himself; when he makes the subject into an object; when he takes himself for a radiation derived from the world: engineers, doctors, physicists, biologists are serious.” 326 Jean Paul Sartre The War Diaries

51. When my father died my mother was left to raise three boys. He was a step father to one of my brothers so one of my brothers still had a father. So my father is really three people: a dad who was then wasn’t, a dad who wasn’t then was, and a step dad.

I could have never explained all this that day I was asked. There in a rural town in the middle of a corn-field playing out the waves of one of my first gay relationships I simply said, “My dad is dead.” Reality is bleak like that. It restricts possibilities. Reality is only here in the field of “you have choices to make”. Reality are the options available. I am free to make choices in relation to concrete possibilities. For example I used covid stimulus money to pay for my rent so I could I have time to write this. I could have used it to buy copious amounts of liquor to subdue my existential angst. I could have used it to put it to my loans. I quit my job to give myself the time necessary to heal the wounds of the past. I refuse to conform to the pressure to buy a vehicle and get a license because I would have to buy car insurance which would mean I need a job to pay for the cars insurance. I would need gas to go back and forth to work where I would only continue to suppress my authenticity. Authenticity can never be achieved. It can only be something which is consistently reproduced. I reproduce myself as a writer only in the act of writing. Even the short pause between characters I realize other possibilities. Writing must be a consistent act I partake in everyday as a way of pursuing my own projects with the material conditions given to me.

52. My father is four people or five people because he was a co-worker to my middle school friend’s father, also a wife, a brother, an uncle. Six or seven people. He was never a grandfather though and could never be a grandfather. He could never have the possibility of being a grandfather so when my nephew says he doesn’t have a grandfather, his great uncle says he would be happy to fill the role. So my uncle, married to my mother’s blood sister, is my nephew’s grandfather. 

The more I think about choices the more I start to confirm that choices are in relation to particular material conditions given to a situation which show the constricting impact of choices. 

53. My mother, because of my father’s death, often found jimmy-rigged options for babysitters when family members were not available. When she realized my brother and I weren’t mature enough to handle being at home alone by ourselves, she looked into other options such as having me stay at the library until it closed. Later I learned that urban libraries have a phrase for this condition called, “Library latchkey kids,” which are children who’s parents are busy because of social economic conditions they end up going to the library after school for free baby-sitting. 

https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16451347

I would stay in the library until it closed. My mother would slip the librarian a twenty dollar bill. I asked about it once and I learned in one way or another not to ask about such things. 

When I took the Myers Briggs test in high school I scored nearly a hundred percent INFP which to me meant I was destined to be a genius like Shakespeare, taught in English classes all around the world for centuries to come. It meant I was introverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceptive. It meant that my room was messy but that my bookshelves were ordered perfectly with the Dewey decimal system. In high school I read Waiting for Godot with no idea it belonged to existential literature. On the question of why I don’t talk about my father, I am still Waiting for Godot. 

54. My father’s suicide, in the long-term, meant I got to be alone with books. I often tired of reading and would chat with the librarian. She would ask me if I had a girlfriend and show me the things she wanted on craigslist. Sometimes she had to rapidly click her computer screen to hide some areas of the internet that should not be looked at while a minor sat reading Dr. Seuss, books about nature, or how volcanoes worked. I loved reading. I could never get enough. One of the librarians never believed I read as many books as I did and often discredited some of the books she believed were above my level. I was smart and there’s nothing worse to rural people than a smart, effeminate, boy with a love of reading.

I was always told that my mother was good and was always asked if she was still in college. For ten years I said yes she is in college. For twenty years I never told anyone my brother pointed a gun to my head because she left us unattended with the gun case unlocked. When I brought it up to her in my late twenties she said it wasn’t possible because my twenty year old cousin was there in the camper. When I asked I thought I was testing whether or not she could have subdued her ego enough to admit to the possibility that it may have not been the best choice to leave minors unattended with an unlocked gun case at home. That’s the way things were with her growing up so why would it be any different with us? All of a sudden she gets away with making the right choices because, “She pulled herself up by the bootstraps and got a degree in education.”

Anytime I try to explain my experiences of these circumstances I am caught in a social trap by which the liberal value of women choosing careers over a life of drunkenness and whoreish behavior to capture the love of a man my mother’s story overrides. My experience of having a gun pointed at my head by my own brother is over-ridden by another set of values. 

55. I had a shot gun pointed to my head by my own brother because I was singing too loudly and he was hungover because he was drinking alcohol. 

56. I didn’t know if the shot gun was loaded. 

57. I stopped singing, fell backwards, and made a snow angel.

“Well, you’re mother could have brought over a bunch of rotten men. You could have been sexually abused.”

58. My brother used to chase me around the house naked and dry hump me. These are the effects of leaving minors unattended after school out in the country. And you know it which is why you started getting babysitters for us. It was after too many nights coming house to a destroyed house that my mother decided to have some family members watch over us and make sure we did our homework.  

59. “Stop being a victim you liberal snowflake.”

60. But I’m actually criticizing the effects of applied feminism in the 21st century. 

61. “You’re mother is a good person.”

63. “It could have been worse.”

64. “Everything turned out fine.”

65. “Everyone has trauma to deal with. Everyone has baggage.”

My boyfriend told me of growing up. His father was a chemist at Kellogg’s and his mother was an instructor at a community college. He was a potter, a knitter, and a banjo player. He became an English teacher. He told me that one time his dad brought home bags of Lucky Charm marshmallows for him and his sister to eat. His father recorded their responses to the marshmallows and adjusted the ratios of sugar based on those tests. That doesn’t sound like trauma to me. That sounds like a healthy childhood which leads one to have self confidence, self esteem, and the emotional stability necessary to face the mixed messages of life. In the meantime I seek out people who tell me I’m dumb, ugly, stupid, and will never amount to anything because I think that’s a normal relationship. If I am not doing that I am hiding in my room wondering what the point of being alive is wondering if there is any hope for me to heal and get better.

66. My father’s suicide is a traumatic past which shapes my entire experience. It’s a past that I have the right to represent by writing it. It’s a past which is not, “Everything turned out fine,” and no my mother did not, “Pull herself up by her bootstraps,” she had choices to make and one of those choices was to leave minors home alone with a gun case full of weapons and to trust that nothing bad could have happened in that circumstance. I will not limit myself to the blindness feminist discourse encouraged when I told my story to an existential philosophy professor at a liberal university. Yes, she could have chosen worse, but it could have turned out much better. I will not sit here silently submitting to my brother’s words, “Don’t tell anyone or I will kill you!”

“Why don’t you talk about your father?”

67. Well kill me. I’d be better off anyway. I am willing to die for the truth in the same way an American soldier is willing to die for his country. I am willing to stand for something even if I am alone. Pull the trigger. If it makes you feel like a man to point a gun at your brother you might as well pull the trigger. 

“It wasn’t loaded. Do you think I would actually put a shot gun shell in it. I love you, I’m your brother. Do you think I’m an idiot? I wouldn’t actually do that. . .”

“Why don’t you talk about your father?”

68. It’s exhausting. It’s a threat to my existence. It reminds me that blowing my brains out is a real possibility whereas for most people its a thing you say when life sucks. The following is an example of that. 

When I was working as an English as a Second Language instructor I thought I had made it. I thought that teaching immigrants and refugees English meant I had established myself as a concrete being in the world permanently enmeshed as a career oriented man. My degree in Sociology was justified and my graduate certificate was no longer a waste of time, energy, and effort. I quickly learned that my masculinity was always under question and that the few men in that field were perfectly miserable beings. The whole notion that people became teachers because they were heart filled beings with a passion for helping others vanished when my co-worker, a professional teacher who taught abroad in Japan, made the shape of a gun with his finger, lifted it to his head, and pulled the trigger. I had simply asked him how he was doing and it was apparently not well. I was feeling rather dismal and would like to think I responded like this. 

69. It’s a great position to be in. A cock loaded full of cum in my mouth and my cock loaded full of cum in his mouth. The tension was rising. Would we ever get to the desired result of all of our efforts? Would we ever achieve orgasm? Would we ever blow? Rest assured we exploded and were perfectly satisfied. There’s just something about holes and filling them which none of us can resist. Yet, even when the hole is filled to the brim with hot cum we feel so empty that we can no longer go on and so we pause. It’s okay to have long periods of stagnation so long as we can pull out at the right time and forgive ourselves for our responses to the past. The future may not appear to hold much but there is so much time and so many holes to fill. 

70. They covered my father’s hole with makeup. They closeted the cause of his death. At the funeral they closed the bottom half of the casket which made me think that someone cut my father’s legs off with giant scissors. I screamed. I was convinced that his legs were cut off with giant scissors and that someone had caused his death. 

71. How is a four year old suppose to understand this when adults are unable to tell the truth when the child asks questions about his dead father. He isn’t going to understand these things if adults themselves still don’t understand them. Adults go to great lengths to omit the grievances and effects of such events. “Everything turned out fine,” and “You’ve got choices to make.” 

A four year old’s brain is not ready to understand such things because adults don’t understand them. His memories are barely forming and he is still fascinated by blowing bubbles. Adults have lost their imaginations. He smiles at the sound of popcorn popping while adults drench popcorn in so much salt and butter that they die of heart attacks and call it death by natural causes. A child laughs when he sees a frozen lake swarmed by a hundred seagulls as teenage boys stuff frogs down the barrels of shot guns and laugh when American toad guts go spiraling into the sky like fireworks.

The events surrounding my father’s death are my first memories. There are many of them like the pastor holding me trying to give me comfort. I press my stomach for comfort. My first memories are the feeling of anxiety, that weird pang in the stomach which goes unexplained by doctors and still causes ulcers. There’s my cousin saying my father is away for a very long time and that he is in heaven. These memories attach themselves to future interactions when all compiled leave one wishing there were no choices to make at all. It leaves one wishing that there was one defined path meant for everyone which would eliminate all angst and all decisions. In fact it often feels better if there was no free will at all and that God really did have a plan for each individual. 

There is another pastor, who many years later, told me my father was in hell. This leaves me with one of those ridiculous choices and questions, “Is my father in heaven or in hell?” There is my aunt who tells me that my pastor is wrong and the Bible never mentions. There is my uncle who says people who don’t believe in God are not allowed in his home. There is the ice cream I ate after I was taken out of the funeral home to ease the emotional burden a screaming four year old must have placed on my father’s friends and family members. The ice cream was a temporary cure which taught me that negative emotions could be easily drowned with chocolate sauce and colorful sprinkles.

72. My father is in heaven. 

73. My father is in hell. 

74. My father is in purgatory. 

75. I don’t know where the fuck my father is. 

76. Do souls exist?

78. What is the difference between agnostic theism and agnostic atheism?

79. It’s ok to think about dying now and again. I think everyone has thought about it now and again but I’m not sure. I’m only one person with so many heartbeats. 

80. I don’t think I will commit suicide because it doesn’t solve anything. Living doesn’t solve much either but at least I can say I tried to count to one hundred. 

81. I might cry if I talk about my father. 

82. It’s ok to cry. 

83. It’s ok to cry. 

84. It’s ok to cry.

85. It’s ok to cry. 

86. It’s ok to cry. 

87. If you cannot sleep count the sheep or cry. 

88. It’s ok to cry. 

89. Real men cry. 

90. Real men cry. 

91. Real men cry. 

92. Real men cry like big men. 

93. Real men cry like grown men. 

94. Real men cry like real men. 

95. It’s ok to cry. 

96. It’s ok to cry. 

97. Facts may not care about feelings but feelings are always seeking out facts to justify themselves. One must be careful about the facts used to represent their feelings. 

98. Over intellectualization isn’t crying. It’s a defense mechanism. 

99. It’s okay to cry. 

100. Everything turned out fine. 

[nortnaibz]

"Bother My Askbox?" now,, what if I sent you 1-50 🤔 as a treat!! Haha just kidding.. unless. RETALIATION BITCH BOY

JFLKHSAFHDLFJDSKJF that is going to take me a hot minute 2 answer my dear but i will do the ones i haven’t already answered. just for u, gayass.

1. what color are your socks?

don’t have any ^-^ thems my feet

answered 2 <3

3. what is something you regret in the past month?

well there is a lot but not buying halloween candy sooner especially

4. do you believe in love at first sight?

nnnnnnope

5. when was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper?

i always had to write thank you notes for xmas and birthday gifts as a kid so probably one of those? for an actual written letter it’s been at least a decade

6. how old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? who taught you?

i......sighs i never learned how to ride a bike bc i went over the handlebars of one when i was like 4 and then never got back on one -_-

7. do you get along with your parents? why or why not?

complicated bc i’m the queer kid next question

8. what’s your favorite season?

fall!!!!!! even though we don’t really have it here

9. do you currently like someone?

well you know the answer to this sir......i’m perhaps a little gay for my girlfriend

10. have you ever used a ouija board?

yes i have on multiple occasions and nothing happened

11. what’s the last song you sang?

prisoner by dance gavin dance listening 2 it on repeat while i rank xd

12. what’s your favorite scent?

rain on pavement!!!!!!!!!!!

13. what’s your favorite urban legend?

uhhhhhhhhh? i don’t think i know any

14. what’s a bad habit you have?

i have many but i’m super clumsy and not very aware of like where i am in relation to other things so i run into shit a lot

15. what’s a strange habit you have?

i wrap my earbud cord around my neck so it isn’t dangling and in my way when i walk places 

16. what’s the first instrument you learned to play?

if you wanna be technical i learned to play flute for a very brief period in 4th grade but i hated it. so guitar!

17. how would you describe your type?

uhhhhhhh good question people who are nice to me <3 and most men

18. would you rather stay in or go out?

for the most part stay in but i usually hit a point after awhile of being home too long where i Need to leave the house lol

19. what was the last thing you said to your mom?

bye after i called her yesterday lol

20. do you want to get married someday?

not traditionally but yes

answered 21 and 22!

23. what’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

i had to answer a phone call at work abt the pet section which i know nothing about and the lady was clearly kinda annoyed and when i told her we didn’t sell kennels in the store (and that yes, i had checked) she said thank you and i. didn’t say anything else. i like forgot to speak and she just hung up and i felt so stupid for it ksdfjksdfhjk

24. when was the last time you went sledding?

it’s been at least a decade iirc 

25. have you ever/do you like someone you know you can never be with?

yes........ *picture of norton campbell*

26. do people often mispronounce your name?

nope

27. would you like to live in another country?

absolutely! when this country inevitably falls apart in the wake of the 2020 election i will be contacting my stoner friends in canada and moving up there at my earliest convenience <3

28. do you like to watch ghost hunting shows?

i never have but i would probably find them entertaining

29. who was the last person you said i love you to? 

kei my friend kei my best friend kei <3 before that either my mom or my girlfriend lol

30. what’s something you’d like to be better at?

playing guitar!!!!! i wanna get back into it so bad i just don’t know where my picks are rn

31. have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? 

oh sure i have it’s been awhile though

32. what was the last thing you cooked?

scrambled eggs the other day ^-^

33. do you think you would make a good parent?

absolutely not and i will never have kids unless i decide to adopt after getting help 4 my issues and assuring that i could actually be responsible for another human life 

34. do you have trouble sleeping at night?

nah i have issues w waking up in the middle of the night sometimes but other than that i’m good

35. where is your best friend right now?

i don’t have one best friend one is at work one is in his home i presume and the other is at college <3

36. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

depends but usually like 20 mins? i don’t do makeup or anything so i can be ready in ten if i need to be

37. how late do you usually stay up at night?

until 10 or 11 lately!

38. when was the last time you cried and why?

uh good question i have shit memory but a few days ago over life stress probably lol

39. have you ever won a contest?

yes i won a costume contest in my elementary school when i was v little and i sort of won a contest to get my poetry published in my uh. sophomore year....summer between sophomore and junior year

40. can you draw well?

i can draw. the well is subjective ^_^

41. would you ever date someone you met on tumblr/the internet?

me n my girlfriend are long distance but i did not meet her on tumblr i think if i ever date someone on tumblr you all should require an essay from me on why it is an okay thing to do. i love my mutuals but some of the people on here...well you know

42. what was the last thing you ate?

snickers!

43. do you think you’re/you’d make a good boyfriend/girlfriend?

ehhhhh i mean i’m certainly better than i used to be but tldr no. but i have issues so take that as you will

44. have you ever had a near death experience?

as in i physically came close to death and survived, no. but i was in a car crash a few yrs back that if anything had happened differently it could’ve killed us

45. what do you think people think of you?

idk i have a hard time reading intention and like. opinions of me? i think everyone puts up with my shit and wishes they didn’t have to lol

46. what is your middle name and do you like it?

my middle name is rowan and i love it cause i picked it myself i have no other middle names and i never have <3

47. are you close with either of your parents?

nnnnnnot really!

48. do you like yourself?

well i am the sexiest motherfucker alive but also i hate myself. i’m incredible and deserve better but also am horrible and deserve nothing. i’m the best and the worst at the same time <3

49. state five facts about your appearance

uhhhh my hair’s red, i’m short as fuck, i have blue eyes, i always wear hairties around my wrists, and i uhhhhh like wearing long sleeves. does that count??

50. state 5 facts about your personality

hm well i have no idea who i am as a person but? i’m creative, i like video games, i’m a pessimist, i spend a lot of time thinking/daydreaming, and i’m gay! the end <3 <3 <3

[keepseaveyweird]

Sticky Notes~ D.S

A/N: This is my first writing so it’s not the best I honestly don’t think it’s the worst (?). It’s kind of all over the place but it’s my first one and I promise it’ll get better! Anyways thank you to @smolboiseavey for giving me the idea :)

Word count: 2431

The door slammed as she walked through the door, dropping her bag to her feet. Sulking, and on the verge of tears, she made her way to the kitchen where her five best friends were making dinner.

“Y/N!” Daniel yelled, as he stood at the stove stirring up some concoction of god knows what. She didn’t answer, just found a seat between Corbyn and Jonah, resting her head on the counter. Corbyn and Daniel met eyes, confused as to why their usually loud, outgoing best friend, suddenly was on the verge of tears.

“Y/N, what happened?” Corbyn asked as he put a hand on her back, creating circles.

It’s not that Daniel was jealous, per say, he knew that Corbyn and Y/N were definitely the closest. They were practically brother and sister, but he did wish that he wasn’t the one who was in charge of dinner that night, that he was the one there to comfort her then rather than standing at the stove.

“Nothing…” she whimpered, her head faced down towards the counter as her arms hid her from them, “It’s just- I-.” Suddenly, the tear gates collapsed and sobs escaped her mouth. He couldn’t take it anymore, rushing around the counter to comfort her.

She felt arms wrap around her torso and a kiss on the cheek, which made her sit up and stare at nothing. Daniel gently caressed her face, turning it to face him so he could look her in the eyes. Her face was red and blotchy, and mascara ran down her face. She looked tired, worn but most of all defeated.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Daniel cooed, as she put her head in his chest making his shirt wet, “just tell us what happened.”

Y/N wiped her eyes and blew her nose, taking a moment to gain her composure.

“Well a lady was upset because her order came out wrong and yelled at me, I worked for eight hours and didn’t get any tips, this stupid little boy threw his chicken strips at me-

“Well why would someone waste chi-” Zach tried to joke, but was most definitely cut off.

“That’s not the point Zach!” Y/N said, beginning to tear up again, “the point is I hate my job and I’m never going to be able to afford my own stupid apartment in this damn city!” She cried, breaking into sobs against Daniels chest. His heart broke for her as he squeezed her tighter to him.

Daniel spoke softly, “Don’t worry about finding a place to live, you have home right here with us.” The four other boys nodded in agreement, a soft smile on all their faces.

“I love you guys, really, but I need to find my own place,” Y/N sniffled, “I can’t just live off you guys. I think I need move back home for a while until I figure some stuff out.”

“No!” Daniel yelled, “you don’t need to do that, we’ll support you, we want to support you, we want you here.” Y/N scoffed, as her sadness suddenly became anger.

“You don’t get it! I want to afford my own apartment, I want to live on my own!” She exclaimed, breaking out of his embrace, “You guys have careers, can support yourselves, have a future. I can’t even waitress right! I should’ve never moved here to LA with you guys, I don’t know what I was thinking!”

“Y/N-” Jack chimed in.

“No! You guys can sing, you guys can dance! What can I do? I literally can do nothing!” Y/N screamed, standing up from her seat and walked away. Daniel chased after her, grabbing her the wrist.

“Stop,” she said sternly, pushing him away and continuing up the stairs. Daniel watched sadly as she made her way into her room, slamming the door behind her.

Y/N laid in her bed, taking turns between crying and sleeping. I never should’ve came, I’m an idiot, stupid, what was I thinking? Her thoughts consumed her for hours. She didn’t want to go home, didn’t want to return to her family that she never talked to, didn’t want to see friends she lost contact with. But her first year of college wasn’t going well, and her job couldn’t pay her enough to stay there a day more. It hurt her to see her five best friends doing so well in the city of dreams, while she struggled to write an essay for her political science class. It hurt her to see them release singles and EP’s and albums as she stared in confusion at her college french homework. Suddenly her mind was made up; she was going home. She picked up her lap top and booked a flight back to her hometown. Two days, she had two days to pack her things and say goodbye to her best friends.

The news to the five boys was not pretty. There were tears, questions, arguments, screaming, yelling, but in the end all of them knew it was the right decision for her. All except for Daniel, who stayed silent the whole time, who wondered what was going to happen when she left. He lay in bed that night, his mind racing, his heart hurting, because he loved her. Because the moment they met three years ago when Corbyn introduced his hometown best friend, he knew she was special. No one made him laugh more, smile more; no one was more supportive (well besides his family of course) or boosted his confidence when performing. No one was there for him more, when he was sad or when he had to vent or when he needed a shoulder to cry on. Y/N was it for him, he just wished he wasn’t so scared to tell her.

The next morning, Daniel tiredly left his room to go downstairs, passing by Y/N’s room whose door was open. He stopped in his tracks and peaked around the door frame as she slowly started to take clothes out of her closet, and with every shirt that was put in her suitcase, a little bit of his heart was put in there was well. He knew he had to stop this, that he had to tell her everything.

It was the next day, the day Y/N left to go back to virginia. Her eyes opened lazily, the sun blinding her from her window. Her flight didn’t leave until that night and she hadn’t finished packing, worn out by yesterday’s news and argument.

Later she walked downstairs to find Jonah and Daniel in the living room watching TV.

“I’m um- gonna go quit my job,” Y/N announced awkwardly as she put on her shoes.

“Oh,” Daniel sighed, “I guess we’ll see you later”

“Kick your boss’ ass while you’re there, he’s a real jerk.” Jonah said, attempting to lighten the mood.

Y/N chuckled, “I’ll try my hardest.”

Daniel watched you walk out the door and drive away. Let’s get to work, he thought.

It was about an hour and thirty minutes later when Y/N walked back into the house, seeing Jonah and Daniel exactly where they were when she left. She returned to her room to finish packing when she noticed the bright pink sticky note on her dresser.

You’re too special for Virginia <3

It was after that she started to find them everywhere. Between her folded jeans in her dresser, on her toothbrush, in every drawer, the shower, in her shoes, behind doors, on pillows, under the bed, under her comforter, on her hairbrush, in her make up bag; literally everywhere.

Please don’t leave me

I need you here

You’re my everything

I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you

Every song I write is dedicated to you

You're too talented to leave LA

And every now and again Y/N found some funny ones.

You gotta nice bum :)

Your laugh is kinda stupid, but it’s the most beautiful laugh in the world

Your jokes aren’t funny, but I can’t live without them

She wondered if it was Corbyn, who didn’t want to his best friend to live on the other side of the country. If it was Jonah, who would miss Y/N too much when he had no one to get coffee with. If it was Jack, who wouldn’t have anyone to skate board with because the other boys sucked. If it was Zach, who would have no one to dance around and annoy literally everyone around them. Or if it was Daniel, who would have no one to cuddle with or talk to about important girl stuff or a photographer when Zack wasn’t around.

The truth was she really like Daniel, would never in a million years tell him that, but the feelings were there. They just clicked, and that was it really.

                                              _____________

All of her stuff was in the car, and the boys piled in, Corbyn behind the wheel.

“Wait, where’s Daniel?” Y/N asked as she buckled up.

“Oh,” Jack hesitated, “He’s not home, we don’t know where he is.” Y/N didn't understand, thought they were closer than that, thought their friendship was strong enough they could say goodbye and not mean it cause they knew it truly wasn’t a goodbye. She hurt as she sat in the back seat in complete silence as the radio quietly played.

The airport was busy, as LAX always is, but there was more hustle and bustle than usual. More people in line for security and waiting to check in bags and more pushing through crowds to greet loved ones from their long journey home.The five of them checked Y/N’s two bags in and sadly walked her to security where they began their goodbye’s. They went around each giving hugs and squeezing Y/N so hard until she could barely breathe.

“I’m gonna miss you guys so much,” Y/N said as she began to tear up, “thank you guys for everything. I love you.” She said as they all came in for one last group hug, well, minus one.

“Have a safe trip, buddy o’pal,” Corbyn said, “I’ll see ya soon.” He gave her a small smile and one last hug before she made her way to security. The line was long, as the airport was crazy with people. As Y/N got closer to security, she remembered the notes and rushed back to the boys who were walking away.

“Wait!” She yelled, “which one of you hid the notes around my room?” she asked, pulling out a big ziplock bag full of bright, neon pink stickies.

“Wasn’t me,” Said Jonah, shrugging.

“Me neither,” Zach said confused.

“Not me but if I knew it would stop you I would’ve.” Corbyn laughed.

Y/N thought to herself. Then who - her thoughts were cut off.

“Me! It was me!” He yelled as he ran to you. He handed you bouquet of flowers as he tried to catch his breath. “It was me, I left the notes. I was suppose to beat you here, but I needed flowers, and by the time I got home you had left and traffic was crazy. God, this was supposed to be so cute and so good and I’m sorry. I’m so so so so sorry.” He panted, hunched down with his hands on his knees, hating himself for being so stupid.

“But Daniel, I thought-”

“I love you Y/N. I have for a long time. And I know I talked to you about other girls and my problems and I always treated you like a friend but I just didn’t want to ruin anything. And when you said you were going back home…” He took a breathe, still panting from his sprint to you, “My heart was just shattered, and I couldn’t let you just walk away without telling you how I feel. Because Y/N Y/L/N, I love you. I love you so much and if you leave, I don’t know what I’m going to do. And I know you’re not happy here in LA, but I will help you find a new job, I’ll help you with resumes with interviews because I know you don’t want to rely on us. Just please. Please please please please please don’t leave.”

Y/N was speechless, because all of it was happening so fast and because she thought he didn’t want to say goodbye. Because she was standing there next to security with a bouquet of roses while a small group of fans began to collect, watching it all go down. Because it wasn’t a very romantic proclamation of love as he gasped for air, but it was Daniel. The speech, the roses, the sprint in here, it was all very Daniel.  

But the truth was, she felt the same way, she liked Daniel. Hell, she loved Daniel. And all her irrational thoughts of moving back home began to settle in. Because she remembered Corbyn chasing his dreams of performing ever since they were kids, because Daniel always tells her not to give up and to work hard and to push through. Because she realized instead of listening to their words they’ve been telling her for years, she was running away and she felt stupid for not realizing this sooner. Y/N wished it didn’t take Daniel running through the airport like rom-com to realize her irrational decisions. Wished it didn’t take Daniel to profess his love in front of the whole airport for her to realize she felt the exact same way.

“Y/N-” Daniel started but was cut off. Cut off by Y/N’s lips crashing into his. And it felt right, it felt so right.

“Daniel Seavey,” Y/N said, looking into his bright blue eyes, “I love you too.” Daniel reconnected their lips as the other four laughed and smiled, watching them. Because all of them have known about their feelings. Neither of them said anything to anyone, but you could see it in the way they talked to each other, cuddled up together. They could just feel it when they were together.

“I’m so sorry to do this boys,” Y/N started as the looked at the other four. She grabbed her suitcase and took Daniel’s hand into hers, “but let’s go home.”

The six of them started for the car.

“So,” Y/N started, a smile plastered to her face as she put her head on Daniel’s shoulder, “you think I have a nice bum?”

[bechloeislegit]

What If The World Ended Tomorrow? - Epilogue

Five Years Later:

Chloe smiled as she watched Beca mouthing the words to the final scene of "The Breakfast Club." She did this every year.

"Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...and an athlete...and a basket case...a princess...and a criminal...Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club."

Beca smiled as the mouthed the last words, remembering Jesse. It has become a yearly tradition to watch the movie in memory of Jesse on the anniversary of his death. Even though they now lived in their own house, Aubrey and Stacie would come over and watch with them. Emily had been there the first year but moved back to California when she found her mother's name on the website the military had set up for survivors who were looking for family and friends. Mrs. Junk was left blind by the infection, so Emily moved back home to take care of her. Emily always watched "The Breakfast Club" on that day since she knew how much it meant to Beca.

Chloe used the remote to turn off the movie. Sammy and Taylor sitting on either side of Beca each hugged her. Stacie and Aubrey smiled at the interaction.

"I still hate movies," Beca said causing everyone to chuckle. It was the same thing she said every year.

"You watch them with us," Sammy said. "You love to sing to-"

"Okay, okay," Beca said covering her mouth. "That's enough." She leans down and whispers in the 10-year-old's ear, "That's supposed to be our little secret."

"Oh, leave her alone, Becs," Chloe said. "We all know you're just a big old softie."

"Yeah, Beca," Aubrey said. "You don't fool us."

"Fine. Whatever," Beca said. "I'm ordering Chinese." Beca got her phone and went to the kitchen to place the order for their food.

It had taken a while, but life was pretty much back to the way it was before the outbreak. The military quickly worked to ensure that power and communications were up and running across the United States within the first few months. Times were hard, but surviving business owners got their businesses up and running again. The government was back on track, having had an election two years ago for a new President and Vice President. The country had been under military rule while the country was getting back on its feet. Beca and the girls were most excited about the fact that Chinese and Pizza places were back to delivering on the regular.

Twelve-year-old Taylor was just sitting quietly, eyes downcast. Chloe moved to sit next to her.

"Hey, kiddo," Chloe said. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Taylor said. "This just always makes me miss my mom and dad. I mean, I love you guys, but I still remember them and wish I knew what happened to them."

Chloe pulls her into a side-hug and kisses the top of her head. "Oh, sweetie," Chloe said. "It's okay to miss them. I miss so many of my friends and family, too. We don't stop loving them just because they are no longer with us."

"Yeah, Tay," Sammy said giving her sister a hug. "Plus, you have me, Mom and Mama. We made out okay."

"Just okay?," Chloe said with a smile.

"Better than okay," Sammy said rolling her eyes.

"Yeah," Taylor said and smiled. "You guys are the best." Chloe hugged both girls to her.

"Food will be here in about 20 minutes," Beca said as she came back into the room. "Hey, you're having a cuddle session without me!" With that Beca launched herself and landed on top of Chloe and the two girls.

The cuddle session turned into a tickle war which Beca lost as usual. They all flopped back on the sofa laughing and panting.

"Hey, did you guys make your reservations for DC yet?," Stacie asked.

"Yep," Chloe said. "We're so excited for you guys."

"I know," Beca said. "You do realize you're going to be putting Lily and Zeke out of business."

Aubrey laughed. "Somehow I think those two will manage just fine."

"I can't believe we're actually friends with someone, well, three someones, who won the Nobel Peace Prize," Beca said. "CR, Lily, and Zeke traveled all over the country for over a year helping all the cured and cleaning up some the areas that suffered the most damage. I'm glad they settled in Georgia and opened the Bellas Home for the Blind."

"I can't believe Lily got Ramada to give them the hotel," Stacie said. "CR said that Lily barely said a word, but the executives gave in after Lily stared them down with that look she has." Stacie shivered. "I love Lily to death, but I still get goosebumps when I think about that look."

"Yeah, well, I am very proud of our best friends," Chloe said looking at Aubrey and Stacie. "Getting recognized by the President for their working in helping find a cure for the blindness the infection caused is a big deal."

"Well, the cure was already out there," Stacie said modestly. "The mist the military developed to help with the infection just needed a little tweaking. And we happened to be the ones to perfect the formula to help the blindness."

"I can't believe you are actually a chemist," Beca said shaking her head.

"Aca-believe it," Aubrey said causing everyone to laugh and Beca to roll her eyes.

"Have you talked to Emily lately?," Chloe asked. "How's her mom?"

"She's doing great," Aubrey with a smile. "Her eyesight is at almost ninety percent. The drops are working for her." Aubrey furrowed her brow. "I wish we could figure out why the drops work for some but not for others."

"Don't fret about it," Chloe said looking at her best friend. "Your drops have a ninety percent success rate. Don't focus too much on those it didn't help. You'll drive yourself nuts."

There is a knock at the door. "Food's here," Beca and Sammy both yell as they jump up and run to the door.

"I swear those two are so alike it's not funny," Aubrey said with a laugh.

*0*0*0*0*

It was time for their trip to DC and Beca was checking in to their hotel while Chloe sent a text to Aubrey letting her know they were there and in the lobby. Taylor and Sammy were checking out the brochures on things to see and do in the Nation's capital.

"Lily!," Sammy suddenly squealed causing both Beca and Chloe to jerk their heads over to the hotel doors.

Sammy went running over to Lily and throw her arms around the woman. "Sammy!," Lily said. "Look how big you've gotten." Lily hugged Sammy back, and Taylor was next in line.

"Taylor, you look stunning," Lily said. Just then Zeke and CR came through the doors, smiling and laughing as they caught sight of Sammy and Taylor hugging Lily.

"What about us?," CR asked and opened her arms as Taylor came rushing over.

"CR!," Taylor said. "I didn't know you guys were coming."

"It's a surprise," Zeke said. He hugged the two young girls. "It's great to see you girls. It's been too long."

Beca came up behind Chloe and wrapped her arm around the redhead's waist. The two stood as their girls talked animatedly with the trio. CR finally looked up and smiled at the couple.

"Beca. Chloe," CR said as she walked over to the pair. "It's great to see you. I see married life agrees with you."

"Totes," Chloe said with a big smile, pulling CR into a hug. "How are you?"

"I'm good," CR said and pulled back from the hug.

The two groups decide to get settled and meet in the hotel's restaurant for dinner. Just as they are about to go their separate ways they hear, "What up, Pitches?!"

All heads turn to see Fat Amy coming through the doors, followed closely behind by Bumper.

"Amy!," Chloe and Beca both squeal as they rush over to the Aussie. The three hug and then CR and Lily join them.

Sammy, Taylor, and Zeke stand back and watch as the women start talking and laughing about something.

"Who is that?," Sammy asked Zeke.

"That's Amy," Zeke responded. "She was in the Bellas with your moms back in college. She was also a resident at the Bella Home before she got her sight back. She's got almost one hundred percent of her sight back. The guy with her is Bumper, her boyfriend."

"Hey, are these the mini-Mitchells I've been hearing so much about?," Amy said as she walked over to give Zeke a hug.

Chloe put her arm around Taylor and introduced her to Amy. Beca did the same with Sammy. They both said it was nice to meet her.

"What?," Amy said. "You've been with Chloe for five years, and you haven't learned to hug someone when you meet them? Come here you two." Amy grabs them both in an almost bone-crushing hug.

"Can't breathe," Sammy said.

Beca laughed. "We were just going to get settled in our room and plan to meet everyone in the restaurant for dinner. You and Bumper should join us."

Stacie and Aubrey finally make it down to the lobby, and the hugs and everything starts all over. It is a surprise to the two that they are all there. An even bigger surprise came through the doors as they were still greeting each other.

Emily and Katherine Junk came into the lobby. Sammy and Taylor see them first and go running over to hug Emily.

"Mom," Emily said. "This is Sammy and Taylor."

"It's so nice to see you girls," Katherine tells them. "And, yes I can see you. You're both so beautiful. Emily has told me so much about you."

"It's nice to meet you, too," Taylor said and gave the woman a hug.

"Emily!," Chloe squeals and the hugs start all over.

Katherine has tears in her eyes when she saw Stacie and Aubrey. "You don't know what it means to me to finally get to thank you ladies in person. My eyesight is almost ninety percent restored thanks to you. And, Emily told me how you all helped her during the outbreak. So, thank you. Thank all of you."

Everyone was wiping tears from their eyes as Katherine hugged Aubrey and Stacie. Zeke pulled Lily close to him, and she smiled up at him.

"Um, guys," Zeke said getting everyone's attention. "The ceremony for Stacie and Aubrey isn't until tomorrow evening and we, Lily and I, we're hoping you had the morning free to attend our, um, our wedding."

A gasp is heard throughout the group. "Seriously?," Chloe asked.

"Yes," Zeke said. "She finally said yes, and we want to do it while we have everyone here."

The group again starts hugging and talking about the wedding. Sammy and Taylor stand off to the side.

"We are never going to get to our room," Sammy said with a sigh. "And, I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry," Taylor said with a laugh. "I swear, and you and Mama are so much alike."

"Yeah," Sammy said. "We're both badasses!"

Both girls started laughing and jerked their heads when they heard a loud gasp come from Chloe. They saw her looking at the door, and their eyes moved in that direction.

"Beca!," Chloe said grabbing onto Beca's arm and shaking her as she pointed to the door.

"Geesh, Chlo," Beca said. "Stop shaking-" Beca's mouth dropped open in surprise when she saw who was standing by the door.

Stacie and Aubrey furrowed their brows and turned to see what they were looking at. Stacie gasped in surprise and took off running, Beca close on her heels.

"Donald!," Stacie squealed before throwing herself into his arms. She let the tears fall as she hugged the man. Donald saw Beca stop behind Stacie, so he took one arm from around the leggy brunette and held it out to Beca. With tears running down her face she fell into the offered arm and let Donald pull her into the hug.

The three finally pull apart. "Dude, we thought you were-," Beca stopped herself.

"I know," Donald said quietly. "After we were cured, I was in a bad place in my head. I couldn't see, and I was besieged with memories of the things I did while I was infected. I don't want to talk about it, but it weighed heavy on my mind. I wandered around a bit, getting help from those who weren't infected. Then I heard about the eye drops to help cure the blindness. I wasn't going to try them because I didn't think I deserved to see again. But, then when I heard that none other than Stacie Conrad and Aubrey Posen helped develop the drops, I had to do it."

Stacie wiped at the tears running down her face. "It's really good to see you, Donald," Aubrey said, running her hand up and down Stacie's back to help calm her.

"And I have you and Stacie," Donald said giving Aubrey a smile, "to thank for me being able to say, it's good to see you, too."

"This is like a Barden reunion," Amy said. "Let's get our stuff settled in our rooms and meet back down here soon. I'm hungry."

"Finally," Sammy said dramatically as everyone headed for the elevators.

Beca told Chloe she'd meet her and the girls up in their room. She then grabbed Amy and pulled her aside.

"What's up, short stuff?," Amy asked as she was dragged over to a chair in the lobby.

"I was going to ask you the same thing," Beca said. "What's up with Bumper? He hasn't said anything since you guys got here."

"Don't tell anyone but he's embarrassed," Amy said.

"Why?," Beca asked.

"Because he was really scared and he hid out the entire time the infection outbreak happened," Amy said. "You remember the day it started, and I got off the bus trying to find him?"

"I'll never forget it," Beca said.

"Well, Bumper was hiding under his bed," Amy said. "He heard the zombie things attacking everyone. He even heard me screaming for him. But he stayed hidden. Then when it seemed clear he ran. He saw a bunch of the zombies and got scared and ran into the diner near the Treble house. Someone else was hiding in there. They were together for about a month when the other person, some guy named Seth, decided to go out to see if things were okay. He never made it back. So, Bumper was by himself for almost 9 months. No one to talk to but himself. It kinda made him go off the deep end. He has nightmares and flashbacks. It's been five years and he still only talks when it's necessary. He's afraid one of those zombie things will hear him and come for him."

"Wow," Beca said. "That's rough. How did you find each other?"

"Some people found him after it was over and assured him everyone was okay," Amy said. "He found my name on the website for survivors and came to CR and Lily's place looking for me. He's stuck around since."

"I'm sorry for what happened to him," Beca said. "And to you. But, I'm glad you found each other again. I know how much you two love each other."

"Thanks, Beca," Amy said. "I'm glad we are all able to come together again for Stacie and Aubrey. If it weren't for them, I don't know that I'd be here."

"Amy," Beca said.

"No, Beca," Amy said. "I'm serious. Being one of those things was horrible. It's like my brain knew I was sick but the sounds were so bad it turned me into something I don't even want to think about."

Beca watched as Amy wiped at the tears that fell down her face. She was not used to this emotional and serious Amy. She wished that she could see the old Amy again. She grabbed her friend in a hug.

"Listen," Beca said. "Maybe you need to be around friends more. Why don't you and Bumper move back to Barden? Then you'll have me, Chloe, Stacie, and Aubrey. You can talk to any one of us. We didn't get the infection, but we can help you if you start feeling like things are too much for you."

"I'll talk to Bumper," Amy said pulling out of the hug. "Enough of this emotional stuff. I'm hungry. Let's go get everyone and eat."

"Let's go," Beca said, and the two stood. Amy grabbed Beca in another hug.

"Thank you," Amy said.

*0*0*0*0*

The next morning Beca, Chloe, and the girls were just sitting down to breakfast in the hotel restaurant when Chloe saw another familiar face. She smiled and told Beca she'd be right back. She walked out to the lobby.

"Jessica," Chloe said softly, so she didn't frighten the girl.

"Chloe?," Jessica said.

"Yes," Chloe said. "I'm going to hug you if that's okay."

"I would never say no to a Chloe Beale hug," Jessica said.

Chloe pulled the girl into her arms and hugged her. Jessica squeezed Chloe tight for a moment before pulling back.

"Oh, let me introduce you to my brother," Jessica said. "Chloe this is my brother Jackson. He's, um, been taking care of me."

Chloe held out her hand. "It's nice to meet you, Jackson. Would you two like to join us for breakfast? We just sat down. I know Beca would love to see you."

"Um, I don't know," Jessica said hesitating.

"We'd love to," Jackson said. "Jess, it will do you good to be around people you know."

"Okay," Jessica said quietly.

"Great," Chloe said and smiled. "Come join us after you check in."

"We will," Jackson said.

Chloe went back to the table. "Jessica's here," she told Beca.

"I saw," Beca said. "How's she doing?"

"She seems okay, I guess," Chloe said. "Her brother is with her, and she said he's been taking care of her."

"Does anyone know why she doesn't try the drops?," Beca asked.

"I don't think so," Chloe responded. "Personally, I think it's because of Ashley."

Beca called the waitress over and had another table added to theirs. Jessica and Jackson came in, and Jackson helped Jessica sit before taking a seat himself.

"Jessica, Jackson. I'd like you to meet our daughters, Sammy and Taylor," Chloe said.

"Hi, I'm Taylor," Taylor said.

"I'm Sammy," Sammy said. "It's very nice to meet you both."

"It's very nice to meet you, as well," Jackson said.

"You both sound so grown up," Jessica said. "How old are you?"

"I'm ten and Taylor is twelve," Sammy said. "May I ask you a personal question, Jessica?"

"Honey, I don't think that's a good idea," Beca said.

"No, it's okay," Jessica with a soft smile. "I have a feeling I know what you're going to ask. Go ahead."

"Why don't you use the eye drops?," Sammy asked. "Aunt Stacie and Aunt Brey worked hard to get the formula right. And it's worked on like 90% of the people that have used it."

Beca and Chloe look at each other, worried that it was too much for Jessica. Jessica gave a sad smile toward Sammy.

"You know, Sammy," Jessica said. "You're the first person outside my family that has asked me that question."

"I'm sorry if I upset you," Sammy said looking down at the table.

"Oh no, Sammy," Jessica said. "I'm glad you asked. You see, my girlfriend Ashley and I both got the infection on the same day. I made sure to stick with her everywhere we wandered to after that because I was worried about her."

"Did you tell her that?," Sammy asked.

"We couldn't really communicate," Jessica said. "It's hard to explain, but our minds seemed to be okay, but then there would be these sounds that hurt our ears so bad that we kind of lost of our minds in a way. All I wanted to do was to stop whatever was making the sound. It was much better when there was quiet. But, the sounds affected Ashley differently. She became very...um, violent. She would sometimes attack one of us because we would screech when the sounds hurt us. Am I making sense to you guys?"

"Yes, actually, it makes a lot of sense," Sammy said before anyone else could speak. "But, it doesn't explain why you don't try to see again."

"Sammy," Chloe said.

"No, it's really okay, Chloe," Jessica said. "One day we were just wandering around, and there was a loud noise, which I know now were planes. Then it rained, and we went to sleep. When we woke up, we were in a field or something. We felt better, but we couldn't see. Some nice people found us and helped us. We ended up on a base of some kind and doctors worked with us to get us back to 'normal.' Ashley remembered everything she did when we had the infection, and it was driving her crazy. She couldn't handle it, so she took a bunch of pills to make it go away."

"She died?," Sammy asked sadly.

"Yes, she died," Jessica said as a tear fell down her cheek. "I was so angry and upset with her for leaving me behind that I kind of gave up. But I also miss her so much that if I can't see her, I don't want to see anyone or anything."

Sammy thought for a moment. No one else said anything; they just waited to hear what Sammy was going to say next.

"But don't you want Ashley to know you're okay without her?," Sammy asked. "I think that's why she killed herself. So you wouldn't have to be burdened with taking care of her. She knew that you would be okay without her, you just have to figure out that you'll be okay with her. I remember when we were little and our grandma died, our mother said that we should live like we did when she was alive to honor her memory. If we don't then we are showing dishonor to her. Don't you think Ashley wants that for you? To remember her when she was okay and to let her know you still love her by living your life to the fullest."

The waitress had come by to take their breakfast orders but could sense something special was happening at the table. She looked at Chloe and mouthed "I'll come back." Chloe gave her a smile and a nod. The waitress left, and Chloe wiped a tear that had fallen. Sammy was young, but she was giving Jessica some sage advice.

"I, uh, never thought of that way," Jessica said. After a moment Jessica sent a small smile in Sammy's direction. "Are you sure you're only ten? I can't see you, so I'm not sure because you sound like someone much older and wiser than a ten-year-old."

"Yep, I'm ten," Sammy said. "And I'm starving. Where's our waitress anyway."

Jessica laughed. "Yeah, now she sounds like she's ten. And, a lot like Beca."

Everybody laughed, and Beca got the waitress's attention so everyone could place their orders. Chloe hugged Sammy and kissed her temple. Jackson quietly asked Jessica if she was okay.

"Actually, I'm better than okay," Jessica said. "I think I want to try the eye drops. Sammy made a lot of sense."

"I've been telling you basically the same thing she did for months," Jackson said.

"No, you've been yelling at me for months," Jessica said. She leaned in a gave him a kiss on the cheek and smiled. "You should have talked to me like a ten-year-old, so I would listen."

Jackson laughed and gave her a quick hug.

*0*0*0*0*

After breakfast, Jackson and Jessica went to their room with the promise to meet everyone back downstairs in a few hours for Lily and Zeke's wedding. Jessica was excited to hear about the wedding and asked Chloe to come help get ready.

Beca, Sammy, and Taylor met CR, Stacie, and Aubrey in the lobby a little before 11:00 am. Zeke and Lily joined them shortly after followed by Donald, Fat Amy, and Bumper. Everyone was surprised when Chloe walked in with Jessica and Jackson. There was another round of hugs and greetings. Emily and her mother Katherine were the last to arrive. Everyone settled down when the minister came in.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," the minister said to the group. "I am Reverend Edwards. Lily, Zeke. Good to see you. Are you ready to be married?"

"Yes, sir," Zeke said proudly.

"And do you have someone to stand with you?," Reverend Edwards asked.

"Oh, um, CR? Would you do me the honor of standing with me?," Lily asked.

"Absolutely," CR said and stood next to Lily.

"Beca?," Zeke said. "I know it's a little unorthodox but would you stand with me?"

"I'd be honored, Zeke," Beca said and stood next to Zeke.

Reverend Edwards began the ceremony. "We come now to the words Zeke and Lily want to hear the most today…the words that take them across the threshold from being engaged to being married.

A marriage, as most of us understand it, is a voluntary and full commitment. It is made in the deepest sense to the exclusion of all others, and it is entered into with the desire and hope that it will last for life.

Before you declare your vows to one another, I want to hear you confirm that it is indeed your intention to be married today."

Reverend Edwards turns to look at Zeke. "Zeke, do you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to Lily in marriage? If so, answer I do."

"I do," Zeke said and smiled at Lily.

"Lily, do you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to Zeke in marriage? If so, answer I do."

"I do," Lily said.

"Zeke and Lily, having heard that it is your intention to be married to each other, I now ask you to declare your marriage vows. Please face each other and hold hands."

Zeke and Lily face each other and take the other's hands in theirs.

"Zeke," Reverend Edwards said. "Please repeat after me…I, Zeke, take you, Lily, to be my wife. I will share my life with yours, build our dreams together, support you through times of trouble, and rejoice with you in times of happiness. I promise to give you respect, love, and loyalty. This commitment is made in love, kept in faith, lived in hope, and made new every day of our lives."

Zeke repeats the words and Reverend Edwards turns to Lily.

"Lily, please repeat after me…I, Lily, take you, Zeke, to be my husband. I will share my life with yours, build our dreams together, support you through times of trouble, and rejoice with you in times of happiness. I promise to give you respect, love, and loyalty. This commitment is made in love, kept in faith, lived in hope, and made new every day of our lives."

Lily repeats the words. Reverend Edwards asks for the rings.

"Your wedding rings are the outward and visible sign of the inward and invisible bond which already unites you two hearts in love. Zeke, place the ring on Lily's finger and repeat after me….I give you this ring. Wear it with love and joy. As this ring has no end, my love is also forever.

Zeke's hands are shaking as he places the ring on Lily's finger and repeats the words. He then pushes the ring until it is snug on Lily's hand.

"Lily, place the ring on Zeke's finger and repeat after me….I give you this ring. Wear it with love and joy. As this ring has no end, my love is also forever."

Lily places the ring on Zeke's finger and repeats the words.

"May the wedding rings you exchanged today always remind you that you are surrounded by enduring love," Reverend Edwards said.

The Reverend looks at Zeke and Lily. "Everyone has advice for newlyweds. Zeke and Lily, I offer these good wishes to you on this special day. May your life together be blessed with prosperity and good health. May you always share open and honest communication with each other. May you respect each other's individual talents and gifts and give full support to each other's professional and personal pursuits. May you cherish the home and family you will create together. May all the years to come be filled with moments to celebrate and renew your love. May your love be a life-long source of excitement, contentment, affection, respect, and devotion for one another." Reverend Edwards pauses for a moment. "And so now by the power vested in me by the District of Columbia, it is my honor and delight to declare you husband and wife. You may seal this declaration with a kiss."

Zeke and Lily kiss and everyone starts clapping.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present the newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Zeke Williams!"

The couple turn and everyone starts hugging and congratulating them. Zeke finally gets their attention.

"We have a small brunch set up next door for everyone," Zeke said. "Reverend we do hope you'll join us."

"Thank you," Reverend Edwards said. "I'd like that."

*0*0*0*0*

Everyone enjoyed the brunch, and things were winding down.

"Lily," Chloe said. "Aren't you going to have the first dance together as husband and wife?"

"We hadn't planned on it," Lily said

"You have to," Katherine said. "It's tradition."

"But we don't have any music," Zeke said.

The Bellas in attendance just looked at him and laughed.

"Zeke," Beca said with a smirk. "We make our own music." She gathered everyone together including Donald and Bumper. They talked a bit, and once they decided on a song, Chloe told Lily and Zeke to get into position. As soon as Zeke took Lily in his arms the music started. And then Beca started singing.

What would I do without your smart mouth Drawing me in, and you kicking me out Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down What's going on in that beautiful mind I'm on your magical mystery ride And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

Zeke leads Lily around the small dance area. Bumper jumps in for the next few lines.

My head's under water But I'm breathing fine You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

Lily and Zeke stare into the other's eyes as they sway and move to the music. CR, Jessica, and Amy took the next verse.

'Cause all of me Loves all of you Love your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections Give your all to me I'll give my all to you You're my end and my beginning Even when I lose I'm winning 'Cause I give you all, all of me And you give me all, all of you

Chloe, Emily, and Katherine are next.

How many times do I have to tell you Even when you're crying you're beautiful too The world is beating you down, I'm around through every move You're my downfall, you're my muse My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

Amy joins Bumper and sings.

My head's under water But I'm breathing fine You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

Beca lets them all know to sing the final verse, which they do in true a cappella fashion.

'Cause all of me Loves all of you Love your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections Give your all to me I'll give my all to you You're my end and my beginning Even when I lose I'm winning 'Cause I give you all of me And you give me all, all of you Give me all of you

Zeke dips Lily on the final note of the song and kisses her before letting her back up. Reverend Edwards and Jackson both start clapping.

"That was wonderful," Reverend Edwards declares.

Everyone congratulates Zeke and Lily again before heading back to their rooms. Beca and Chloe want the girls to rest before the evening's event. Everyone was excited to get to go to the White House. Stace and Aubrey spent over an hour adding all the new arrivals to their guest list. Things were strict when it came to gaining entry into the White House, but not as strict as they once were before the infection outbreak. They were able to get everyone listed and when they heard that three Nobel Prize winners were a part of the group, the coordinators were ecstatic.

"Okay everyone," Aubrey said. "There will be limos arriving at about 6:00 pm to take us to the White House. Everyone meet down here at 5:45 so we can leave when the limos arrive. The ceremony starts at 7:00 and a small reception will follow."

"Are we really going to get to meet the President?," Taylor asked.

"Yes, we all will," Aubrey responded. "Okay. Don't forget 5:45 down here in the lobby."

"Okay, babe," Stacie said calmly. "Take a breath and relax. It's going to be fine."

Everyone decided to go back to their rooms until it was time to meet. The occupants of the Mitchell room were napping. Stacie was trying to keep Aubrey calm. Jessica and Jackson were visiting with Emily and Katherine in their room.

"Katherine," Jessica said. "How did you feel when you started using the eye drops?"

"Honestly," Katherine said. "I was scared to death. I wanted it to work so badly that it took me a week after getting the first bottle to use it. At first, I didn't think it was working. But, then one morning about a week after I started I woke up and could detect light. I knew the sun was shining in the window. It was an amazing feeling. It took several weeks but I can see so much more now. My doctor says I'm at about eighty percent and he thinks I'll get one-hundred percent of my vision back."

"That's great news," Jackson said. "Hear that, Jess? It will so worth it."

"You don't have to convince me," Jessica told him. "I'm going to visit my doctor to get started as soon as we get back home."

*0*0*0*0*

Donald was restless and went to Stacie and Aubrey's room. "Hey, Donald," Stacie said when she saw him at the door. "Come on in."

"I'm sorry to bother you," Donald said. "But I just couldn't relax. I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but can you tell me what happened with Jesse? No one will say anything except he didn't make it."

Stacie told Donald about the day Jesse died. She told him how Beca had been the one to end his suffering because they had promised each other that they wouldn't let the other become one of the infected. She also told him how Beca used to have nightmares because of it. She was better now and actually had a little ritual she did every year to mark the anniversary of his death.

Donald felt bad for Beca and Jesse. He thanked Stacie for telling him and went back to his room.

*0*0*0*0*

"The limos are here," Stacie announces.

Everyone exits the hotel and are divided to fit into the three limos provided. Beca, Chloe, and their two girls were riding with Stacie and Aubrey. Fat Amy, Bumper, Donald, Lily, and Zeke were riding together. And, Emily, Katherine, Jessica, and Jackson were in the third limo. There were oohs and aahs as they were driven onto the White House grounds.

Three gentlemen opened doors for each of the limos and helped the passengers exit the vehicles. Everyone went through a security check at the door before being allowed in. Once inside they were all escorted to a room where they would meet the President and First Lady prior to the actual ceremony. They sat and anxiously waited. Suddenly the doors open and several Secret Service men walked.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please stand," one of the Secret Service members said. Everyone immediately stood. The President and First Lady walked in.

"I'm so sorry we are running a bit late," President Bartlett said. "Welcome to the White House. Ms. Posen, Ms. Conrad. It is an honor to meet you both."

"Actually, sir," Stacie said. "We're both Mrs. Posen."

"Oh, my apologies," President Bartlett said. "Mrs. and Mrs. Posen, may I present my wife, Abigail Bartlett."

"Please, call me Abby," Mrs. Bartlett said.

"It's truly a pleasure, Mr. President," Aubrey said. "May I introduce our friends and family?"

"Of course," President Bartlett said. "Although these three here do not need an introduction. Ms. Onakuramara, Ms. Adams, and Mr. Williams. It's truly a pleasure to meet you all. I've read all about the work you've been doing."

"Thank you, sir," Zeke said.

Aubrey then proceeds to introduce the rest of the group. As she finishes the introductions, a man comes in and says something to the President.

"It's showtime ladies and gentlemen," President Bartlett said. "The two Mrs. Posens will come with Abby and me. The rest will be escorted to their seating area by these two gentlemen. We'll see you soon." The President then offers his arm to his wife and Stacie and Aubrey follow them.

"This is so exciting," Chloe practically squeals.

The group is escorted to their seats. Stacie and Aubrey are standing on a small stage with two others. The President's Chief of Staff introduces the President and everyone stands. Once he is behind the podium most of the audience sits. Photographers and journalists were on hand and camera flashes were going off. The President begins his speech.

"We are here today to present four of our fellow Americans with the Presidential Medal of Freedom," President Bartlett said. "This award is the nation's highest civilian honor, presented to individuals who have made especially meritorious contributions to the security or national interests of the United States, to world peace, or to cultural or other significant public or private endeavors."

The President proceeds to read the recipient's name and their accomplishments before bestowing the medal to them. The badge of the Presidential Medal of Freedom is in the form of a golden star with white enamel, with a red enamel pentagon behind it; the central disc bears thirteen gold stars on a blue enamel background (taken from the Great Seal of the United States) within a golden ring. Golden American bald eagles with spread wings stand between the points of the star. It is worn around the neck on a blue ribbon with white edge stripes.

Stacie was the last to receive the award. Once she had received it, she stepped back to stand next to Aubrey. Both had a tear in their eye because they were so honored to receive the award. The award recipients were escorted off the stage to another room to have photos taken separately and with the President. Afterward, they met up with their friends in the reception room.

"Brey! Stacie!," Chloe said grabbing them both in a hug. "We are so proud of you."

"Yeah, Posen and Posen," Beca said. "This is well-deserved and we thank you for letting us be a part of it."

After about thirty minutes, Amy walked up to Aubrey and Stacie. "So, when can you blow this popsicle stand?," she asked.

"Well, the President has already left," Stacie said. "So, I think we just need to let someone know we're ready to go so the limos can be notified."

"What do you have in mind?," Aubrey asked.

"I'm thinking we go back to the hotel and hit the bar," Amy said. "Celebrate Bellas style!"

"Let's do it," Aubrey said with a laugh. Stacie finds someone and the limos are brought around for them.

The group arrives at the hotel and Beca and Chloe take Sammy and Taylor to their room. Jessica and Jackson offer to stay with them so Beca and Chloe can join the others. Jessica shot down their arguments by telling them she didn't drink and neither did Jackson. They thanked them and made their way to the bar.

Chloe grabs Beca's arm before they entered the bar and pulled her into a kiss. "I love you," Chloe said.

"I love you, too," Beca said.

"I just wanted to say it since we haven't had much alone time the past few days," Chloe said.

"That's okay," Beca said. "We have the rest of our lives to find some alone time."

"Let's go party like we used to," Chloe said and gave Beca another kiss.

Just then they heard Amy yelling, "Shots! Shots! Shots!"

The couple laughed and walked into the bar to join their friends. Beca looked around at them and couldn't help but be proud of all of them. Five years ago she couldn't imagine being back with her friends, her family. Thinking she was never going to see any of them again. And, now, they were all going to be facing the future together. And she wouldn't have it any other way.

She looked up when she heard Amy suddenly shout. She shook her head as she walked over to the Aussie saying, "Okay, Amy. Let's put the shirt back on."

Yep, she wouldn't have it any other way.

That's it. All done. Hope you enjoyed it.

Song used: All of Me by John Legend. I don't own anything to do with John Legend or the song.

Movie quote from The Breakfast Club. I do not own anything regarding The Breakfast Club or Pitch Perfect.

[wanderinguterus1]

Economy Class

“Deserve is a bullshit term. None of us deserves anything. We get what we get.” -Brit Bennett

I once read an article in which a researcher detailed a human behavioral study conducted on airplanes - particularly, among economy class passengers. On some planes, economy class passengers have to pass through the first class area before getting to their (inferior) seats. The study found that on these planes, negative behaviors increased. For example, arguing with flight attendants and fighting with other passengers - all significantly higher in economy class if first class seats were present. The researcher landed on this theory: seeing first class patrons - with their roomy seats, individual arm rests, and ample leg room - made economy class passengers like they were being treated unfairly. In other words, when people are forced to witness drastic inequality, their mindset shifts in a negative direction.

Teaching in a private school, I am often reminded of that article. A few days ago, after third period, I made my way around the classroom, sanitizing the students’ desks. In the beginning of the year, I delegated this job to students, but over time, I realized doing it myself was easier than overseeing reckless 14-year-olds with sanitizer bottles, fearing they would spray a friend in the face or drop the sanitizer on someone’s computer. The label on the bottle warned: “Attention: Can Cause Blindness.” I decided not to take my chances with teenage boys.

I had an hour until my next class arrived, so I sat down at my computer and began flipping through quizzes and recording grades. The soft tapping of the keyboard drastically contrasted with the sounds of hyper ninth graders who had filled the room a few minutes ago. I was enjoying the silence when a former student came by to visit.

“Hi Ariel!”

“Hi Ms. Long.”

Since I had taught her as an 8th grader, I remembered her as a tiny, overly nervous 13- year-old. Now a senior, Ariel moved with confidence, sitting in the desk to my right and straightening the quizzes I had graded and discarded haphazardly.

“Are these To Kill a Mockingbird quizzes?” she asked, looking over the students’ answers.

“Yes.”

“I hated that book.”

I shook my head and sighed. Pulling my mask down to take a quick sip of coffee, I resisted the urge to rebuke her for her bad taste.

“My sister got into Yale,” she announced.

“That’s awesome,” I responded tentatively. Ariel, an average student, had a genius sister. I wondered how Ariel felt about her sister’s acceptance into the Ivy league, although it couldn’t have been too unexpected. Caitlin had been winning academic awards since she was in middle school and had spent the previous summer shadowing a world-renowned journalist.

“Yeah, and I got a full ride to FSU.”

“Wow! I’m so proud of you! I bet your parents are so happy!”

“Yeah, but since it’s not really fair that they don’t have to pay for my college, and Caitlin’s tuition is like 40 thousand a year, they are going to give me the equivalent of that in cash every year to make it even.”

I stared at her, wondering if I had actually heard her correctly. And wishing someone had taught her to “read the room.” Did she just imply the injustice of a full ride? And admit that her parents would be giving her, an 18-year old, forty thousand dollars in cash? To make things FAIR?

Obliviously, she continued, “I’ll probably be able to buy a house as soon as I graduate college.”

Suddenly, I had a realization: being a teacher in a private school was like sitting in the first row of economy class with the first class section in clear view. Every day. For eternity.

I’m not jealous because I want a bigger house or a nicer car or a boat; I just want a baby. One baby. Forty-something thousand dollars stands in the way of my husband and I adopting or trying IVF, but here sits an 18 year-old who will be gifted that amount of money each year for the next four years of her life. She would be able to buy four babies by the time she's 21.

I think of money in terms of babies now. For example, I heard that a Pokemon card sold on eBay yesterday for 500,000 dollars. Instead of dollars, I imagined that Japanese cartoon character being traded for twelve and a half babies.

Don't get me wrong; I understand that compared to so many, I lead a privileged life. I come from a two-parent, middle class home, and I’ve never known what it’s like to suffer from racial discrimination. If I lived in a less developed country, I would be comparing myself to very different types of people: women who sit outside for hours every day, rain or shine, selling vegetables for next to nothing; taxi drivers who work seven days a week, twelve hours a day, just to be able to feed their families. These people don't spend time writing autobiographical essays about how flawed the system is. Even though I understand these truths, I can't help but feel, at times, that I've been shafted.

                                                       *

Two years ago, I lay naked save for the papery hospital gown, in a cold pre-operation room. Hooked up to an IV, I waited on my doctor to arrive and remove the twelve fibroid tumors he had found during my ultrasound. Luis stood by the bed, holding my hand and telling me about the infamous Star Wars holiday special of 1978 in an effort to distract me.

“It actually had Wookie porn in it. Wookie porn. What were they thinking? Chewbacca’s father just groans for like ten minutes straight. It's known as one of the worst films to ever air on television.”

The surgery, an abdominal myomectomy, consisted of cutting open the abdomen in order to remove the tumors. After a year of trying to have a baby and failing, this was our first expensive problem-solving attempt.

On the other side of the curtain, a nurse greeted her patient. “Good morning! What are we having today?”

The voice of a man replied, “It’s a girl.”

“How exciting, is it your first?”

“No,” his female counterpart answered with a chuckle.

I tried to focus on Luis’s Star Wars story, but I kept thinking about the happy couple, leaving later that day with their brand new baby girl all wrapped up in her soft, pink blanket, smelling like cookies after they’ve been dipped in milk. I would leave with nothing but a cleaner uterus and a fat hospital bill.

Moments later, a surgeon arrived, nodded his head to us and continued to the other side of the curtain. I heard him ask, “Ok, so C-section and tubal ligation today, right?”

I almost laughed out loud. So my body was about to be cut open to make it a welcoming home for a fetus while my roommate’s doctor would be rearranging her organs to do the opposite.

I hear the sounds of a table wheeling around and the clanking of instruments. “Do you have a name picked out?”

“Yes, her name is going to be Seven.”

“That’s unique.”

“Well, she’s number seven. I have had six kids in ten years. So yeah, I'm ready to get the tubes tied.”

I looked at Luis indignantly. Seven children in ten years!? I'd been diligently tracking my temperature in order to perfectly time our “lovemaking,” doing headstands after sex, and eating vegan cheese, and this girl is popping out babies every other year. How can two women’s bodies be so utterly different? Luis widened his eyes as if to say, “Well? Do you really want seven children?”

My husband had a way of reframing any depressing situation. When we visited friends who lived in houses much nicer and more expensive than ours, he said things like, “I didn't really like their shower head,” or “I wouldn’t want to live that far away from the city.” Whereas I was seriously considering asking my hospital roommate if she wanted someone to take Seven off her hands, he was probably just thanking the universe that he wasn’t going home this afternoon to a house full of seven kids. On a plane, he would probably find a way to prefer his tiny, middle seat in the back row near the bathrooms to the luxurious first class experience. “Economy people are more friendly than rich people,” he might say.

                                                   *

Before the surgery, I had asked the doctor multiple times how long I would be in recovery, but he would only respond with, “Everyone is different.”

Well, in my mind that translated to two or three days of bedrest, because I rarely use more than three sick days in a school year. Unfortunately, my superior immune system had nothing to do with post-surgery pain, and for seven days afterwards, I was confined to the couch, unable to stand up straight or move more than a few feet without stopping, and in serious pain when my abs contracted. Any time I sneezed, coughed, or tried to flip myself over, it felt like someone was using a straight razor to open my stomach as if it were an Amazon box.

After an entire week of lying on the couch and taking opioids every five hours, I went back to work, still a bit hunched over and rather pale. And on the eighth day, I had to go back to the doctor for a post-op appointment so the bandage could be removed and the healing process be judged.

The bandage - about six inches wide five inches thick, had been placed right on my underwear line. I had already tried to remove it a little myself, just out of curiosity, but I didn’t get very far because it felt like it had been super-glued to the most sensitive area of my body. No one had warned me to shave completely before surgery.

In the car on the way to the appointment, I worried about the removal process and, not wanting to experience more pain, asked Luis, “The doctor probably has something to put on this to make it come off easily, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know,” he said, sounding doubtful. This should have been a signal to me. Luis, being a man, knows how men think. He knew, but didn’t want to break it to me, that there was no way a doctor has ever concerned himself with how painful a bandage removal process would be.

Choosing to be naively optimistic, I decided to trust in the kindness of medical professionals; surely they wouldn’t put me through more pain after so recently having had my abdomen cut open. However, once I was lying on the examination table, naked from the waist down, feet up in the stirrups, doubts started to creep in. As the now familiar ultrasound wand moved around inside my body, Dr. Edwards crowed on about how clear and devoid of fibroids my uterus looked.

Ok, surgery was successful, fibroids are gone, good job, thank you, now please get this thing out of me. When the ultrasound finally ended, he asked, “Do you want to remove the bandage or do you want me to?”

I hesitated, because that question implied that there was no procedure involved... that any random Joe off the street could just stroll in with normal people hands and just rip off this thing with no training whatsoever. My wheels were turning... So... you aren’t going to like, put some kind of magic lotion on me first?

Unfortunately, magic lotion only existed in my fantasies. In reality, surgery proved just a portion of the pain I would endure before it was actually over.

I began to remove the bandage, deciding I would rather be my own executioner. I picked the top part until my fingernails could get underneath, and started to tug. The skin rose as I pulled- it had been eight days since its placement and the glue didn't seem to have weakened at all. How was that possible? If humans are smart enough to design SuperBandage, aren’t we also advanced enough to create anti-adhesive?

When I got to the lower half of the bandage, which was on top of hair, things went downhill quickly. Removing it felt like getting a bikini wax - which I’ve only tried once and chickened out halfway through.

Eventually, I conceded. I couldn’t willingly put myself through the torture. “Can I just do it later, at home? In the bathtub?” I pleaded.

The doctor gave me a puzzled look, as if he didn’t understand the question. “I need to see if your scar is healing.”

“I’ll send you a picture. I swear.”

He chuckled, but I wasn’t kidding. I have never hated anyone more than I hated him in that moment. I bet he had never endured a bikini wax. He probably winced when his wife plucked his eyebrows. I made a mental note to give him a horrible Yelp review.

I refused to continue, so Dr. Edwards took over: he pulled and the nurse pushed the skin down as he went across - yes, pushing right below my stitches. I have never felt such excruciating pain in my entire life; it was like being stabbed with a hundred tiny needles on a part of my body that was only meant to be touched with loving hands. At one point, I instinctively grabbed the doctor’s arm, forcing him to stop. Staring at the bandage, which was only halfway removed, I cursed all men, including Luis. Why didn’t anyone tell me to shave? Why didn’t they give me anesthesia for this?

When the torture finally ended, Dr. Edwards looked at me with amusement in his eyes, and asked, “You ok?” as if I had been overly dramatic. I decided that I would never, ever, forgive him. Public Service Announcement for Women: Shave before any abdominal surgeries. And never settle for a male doctor if a female one is available.

I often wondered why I was putting myself though so much pain to bring a new life into the world. Was the desire to have children an evolutionary curse? Growing up, I never questioned whether or not it would happen because that’s what women are meant to do, right? What is a woman if not a mother? At least that’s what all the women I knew growing up led me to believe. Receiving the hospital bill in the mail a few weeks later prompted me to further question this desire. If I hadn’t cared about being a mother, Luis and I could have used the surgery money to take a trip to our dream destination - South Africa - flying first class.

Sometimes, when I’m lying naked from the waist down with my feet in stirrups, I think about my early 30s, when eggs and fertile windows were blissfully far from my mind. Unfettered by thoughts of motherhood, I concerned myself with traveling as much as possible.

Reading Walden had convinced me that staring at a computer screen all day was no way to live. Thoreau had inspired me to work with my hands, to get outside, to “suck the marrow” out of life. So after six years of teaching, I quit my job and departed alone on a plane to New Zealand. Although I had never even set foot on a farm before, I planned to volunteer on various organic farms as a way to connect with the natural world. The research I had conducted for this adventure amounted to about one hour’s worth of googling.

Since I had lived in a country where I didn’t speak nor read the language for three years, I craved traveling without a language barrier. My inferior sense of direction often weakened my resolve for adventure, so I needed a place where, at the very least, I could read the street signs. My first stop was a dairy farm in Opotiki. I pronounced this as if the last two syllables were “tea- key” as in tiki bar. The bus driver couldn’t understand me; he said he had never heard of such a place.

After some discussion and help from the internet, he dropped me off at the bus stop in “Ah-PO-Tah-key,” where a 20-something-year-old French guy named Clement stood smoking a cigarette. He had been sent by the dairy farmer to pick me up and seemed bored by the task.

Getting off of the bus, I must have looked a bit like Elle Woods showing up for her first day at Harvard. I wore skinny jeans, pink Uggs, and a tie-dyed sweatshirt. Clement had on overalls smeared with a brown substance, work boots, and a look that said, “You have no idea what you are getting yourself into.”

“Hi!” I exclaimed, eager to make a companion after a long solo flight and bus ride.

Clement lifted his chin in greeting and pointed to an old, faded black Honda Civic.

I stuffed my backpack into the trunk, and headed for the passenger seat, after an awkward moment with Clement in which I realized that the right side of the car was actually the driver’s side.

Undeterred by Clement’s apathy towards me, I asked, “How has it been, working on the farm?”

“Lot of cow sheet,” he responded, in a thick French accent.

He then reached for the radio and turned the music up to a decibel that prevented me from responding. Maybe my expectations for companionship had been a bit high.

The drive to the farm consisted of Clement driving about 20 miles over the speed limit on tiny, winding dirt roads, and me closing my eyes and holding tightly to the sides of my seat with both hands. At some point, I felt the urge to vomit, but I just laid my head back and practiced yoga breathing. Clement did not seem to notice.

By some miracle, we arrived at the farm without incident, where I met John, an older man who owned a little red house on seven acres. He explained that Clement and I would be sharing the spare room, meant for volunteers, and he showed me where my overalls and work boots rested.

“Be ready to go at four a.m. I’ll have yogurt and granola ready for breakfast,” he said, handing me an empty water canteen. “Tonight, before you go to sleep, you need to fill this with boiling water and put it under your blankets. It's going to get cold in your room.”

Cold didn’t adequately describe the sleeping quarters. Until it was time for bed, Clement, John and I had been lounging in the cozy, carpeted living room near the fireplace. However, around nine pm, when we moved to the back bedrooms, the wood floors felt like ice on my bare feet. I retrieved a sweatshirt, a scarf, a pair of gloves, and two pairs of socks from my suitcase and put them all on. The temperature must have been around forty degrees, because I could actually see my breath in the darkness. Sleeping proved difficult; every hour, I put on another piece of clothing from my suitcase, eventually looking like the pigeon lady in Home Alone. The canteen was only big enough to heat up one body part and remained warm for just half the night. Throughout all of my tossing, turning, and the unzipping and zipping of my backpack, Clement slept peacefully in normal pajamas. At four a.m., when the rooster started crowing, I wanted to weep. I yearned for my warm Tel Aviv apartment, central heating, and my teaching job, which suddenly felt like a white collar position.

I snuggled deeper into my bed, hoping to enjoy the blankets for a few more minutes, until I saw Clement pop out of bed and don his overalls. Refusing to be the weakling that he probably expected me to be, I followed his lead.

“Did you bring a hat?” John asked, when I entered the kitchen.

“No. Why?” I asked, thinking if I had a hat, I probably would have worn it to bed last night.

“Some of the cows have lice and you could catch it.”

I eagerly accepted the hat John proffered.

Clement and I ate our yogurt in silence - not surprising for him, but I was just too cold and tired to care.

John led us to the barn after breakfast, where we would be milking the cows. When I walked through the doors, my hand instinctively covered my nose: the smell - similar to a Port- O-Potty at the end of a crowded, weekend-long music festival - attacked me. John and Clement, unaffected by the stench, chuckled at my reaction.

“Better than the smell of cars in the city,” John said, smiling.

I wasn’t convinced.

Now it was time to learn how to milk a cow. In my imaginings of this moment, I would sit on a cute step stool, a sweet little cow would trot up to me, and I would gently tug on her teats, squirting milk into a tin bucket below. I would repeat this a few times, and a day’s work would be done.

In reality, John owned about 200 cows. The barn housed 50 stalls into which the first herd of cows were guided; each stood so that her butt faced into the shed. John handed me one of many thick, black hoses that hung from the ceiling. At the end of the hose was a steel device with four suction cups; I needed to attach the suction cups to the cow’s teats. The three of us would walk up and down the stalls, eventually connecting the suction cups to all fifty cows, and then John would turn on the machine.

For the first set of cows, this went pretty smoothly; according to John, these were the “old gals” who were used to the process. But when the younger cows were led into the stalls, they seemed less than thrilled. I watched in horror as one of them furiously kicked her hind legs, trying to escape the suction cups. John ran over to her, adeptly tying each of her legs to the stall. What happened next was both horrifying and impressive. I remember learning about how vultures can vomit on demand; it's one of their defenses when threatened. Well, apparently cows have a similar skillset. The moment John finished tying up the second leg, that cow shot projectile diarrhea right onto his chest.

I managed to get through the morning milking - which took two hours total - without trauma. I felt victorious but exhausted; I longed to go inside and take a nap.

“Meet me back out here at noon,” John said, after the barn had been cleaned.

I wondered why we would need to come back to the barn so soon. Clement delighted in informing me that the cows were milked twice a day.

Eventually, Clement, John and I fell into a routine, and for two whole weeks, I milked cows (twice a day) without contracting lice or getting kicked in the face. I even learned some tricks for sleeping in 40 degree temperatures, like taking a scalding hot shower right before bedtime, throwing on clothes as quickly as possible, then running straight to the bed, where I had previously placed the hot water canteen.

When I look back on my New Zealand adventure, I marvel at my resilience. How I just trudged out to the barn in those big rubber work boots at four a.m. and kept talking to Clement even though he only responded in grunts. And even though I’m older now, and slightly less malleable, I’m still managing. Every day I go to school and greet those first class passengers without displaying any “negative behaviors.” (I still welcome Ariel when she comes to visit me.) And I’m going to keep tracking my ovulation and putting away money for adoption, at least for another two or three years. And if we are relegated to fly in economy class on a plane full of first class passengers for the rest of our lives, at least Luis will be there to remind me that first class isn’t all that great anyway.

[baronessblixen]

This is for @jamofappreciation‘s Day 17. I'm putting it under a cut cause I tend to ramble on and on and I'm sure most of you don't want to read this. 

So college. Unlike most people, college was not the "best time of my life". Not even close. I started out a small university about 3 hours away from home cause here in Germany college is free, but each field of study has a numerus clasus in places that are popular. I live in the biggest city in Germany, which is also, if you ask me the BEST city here, so of course it's popular. Anyway, my grades weren't good enough to stay home and I left. I hated that small town and knew I wanted to transfer back. Funnily enough, that's the only semester in all my college time that I actually made friends. I'm still in contact with one of the guys I met there. The reason I wanted to transfer back was because I missed home. The reason I missed home, though, was that my mother's cancer had come back and I didn't know how bad it was, or I was in denial; I just knew I wanted to GO HOME. So I did. 

Well, even at home, I was mostly bored with my studies: English and German. It was a lot of presentations and unfortunately, when I started college, they were just going through a process of changing the whole thing. We didn't used to have Bachelor and Master Degrees. College used to be really independent here and it wasn't anymore. It felt like school. I hate being told what to do or what classes to attend and so I often didn't. I didn't have any friends at uni during that time, then my mom's health declined and after her death I couldn't have cared less for my studies. I went abroad for one semester a couple of months later and to this day I wish it had happened at a later time cause I was so depressed that I barely did anything. I rewatched all 9 season of x-files in less than a month while in another country. So yay. I went back home, still depressed, and even though I only had like one semester left, I considered quitting. In Germany you don't have to attend college for all jobs so I figured I could do something else, learn something on the job. Didn't work out so I stayed at uni. Instead of a regular 3-year BA, it took me 5 years though because I fucking didn't care. 

You'd think after that I'd be happy and all like, nice, let's find a job. No. I decided to get my Master's Degree. This time, though, I wanted to do it differently. I attended the classes (even though some of them were so boring like O M G), put more thought into my essays (well, most of them) and actually took my time writing my thesis. I wrote my BA thesis in one night. People don't believe me when I say this sometimes, but I did. I'm not proud of it. But I did. So my time at uni for my MA was much better. A lot of things were much better at that time. 

I want to go back to college at some point in my life. As soon as I figure out what I want to BE. I didn't know at 17, and I still don't know today, but it's probably something else.  

[diarrheaworldstarhiphop]

Last month, the fashion designer Tory Burch launched an ad campaign called “Embrace Ambition.” It features black-and-white photos of celebrities wearing various slogan-brandishing T-shirts: Mindy Kaling wears “BOLD,” Kate Bosworth wears “STRONG,” Burch herself wears “AMBITIOUS.” This last T-shirt can be purchased on the Tory Burch Web site for sixty-eight dollars. For the thriftier shopper, there are thirty-dollar bracelets, which come on a placard saying “#EMBRACEAMBITION” and “JOIN THE MOVEMENT.” Proceeds from this merchandise are directed toward the Tory Burch Foundation, which helps support women entrepreneurs. (It administers a small fellows program and connects women to business education and affordable loans.) A New York Times piece about the “Embrace Ambition” campaign calls it a “public service announcement” aiming to reclaim what has become a dirty word. Burch aims to be apolitical: she told the Times that she wants her campaign to be something that “unites, rather than divides” the country and pointedly noted that she has “lots of Republican friends.” Which is partly why the campaign feels so beside the point. Women’s ambition is still structurally hampered, as it always has been in this country, by failures of policy—the absence of paid family leave and decent worker protections, for instance. (To this effect, the Tory Burch Foundation did publish an interview with Lilly Ledbetter on Equal Pay Day.) But in much of American popular culture women’s ambition is now encouraged at a fever pitch. Ads frequently show images of frighteningly ambitious women: a recent Equinox campaign showed a model sitting in a restaurant, wearing expensive formalwear and breastfeeding twins. It is standard practice for mainstream women’s publications to celebrate any woman who has achieved any degree of wealth or prominence, regardless of what that success might be or mean. On the Tory Burch Foundation’s Instagram account, you’ll find dozens of celebrities promoting #EmbraceAmbition as if it were a clean-water initiative. Ambition, for women, has been marketed as a mandate, and the model of ambition that’s most commonly marketed tends to resemble Ivanka Trump—the superficially appealing woman who can pay to have it all. A new anthology of essays about women and ambition, “Double Bind,” edited by the fiction and memoir writer Robin Romm, tries to embrace the concept in a more substantive way. In her introduction, Romm, who is in her early forties, writes about her sense, as a young woman, that “striving and achieving had to be approached delicately or you risked the negative judgment of others.” She felt a pull between the hardness of her ambition and the softness of her socialization, and calls this “the double bind of the gender, success paired eternally with scrutiny and retreat.” Romm notes that many contributors to “Double Bind”—a group that includes Molly Ringwald, Ayana Mathis, Roxane Gay, Francine Prose, and Lan Samantha Chang—found this project difficult. Ambition “felt connected to deeply private impulses and actions that made them too vulnerable,” Romm writes. It seems, too, that, as an abstract idea, ambition is just fiendishly complicated to write about. It is at once deeply idiosyncratic and indicative of larger cultural forces; in many of the essays, the writers seem to be inwardly thrashing against the idea that they could generate meaningful insights on the subject. Work at what matters to you, the essays say. Prepare for thrills and compromises, particularly involving children. Consider my doubts about my own achievements. Strive for an ending of rueful hope. Reading one crackling, cheerless narrative after another, I started to feel that there was another—and possibly trickier—conflict at work. Ambition will always be complicated for women, and not just because of external impediments: it is an imperfect drive, enacted in imperfect circumstances, that inevitably leads to imperfect things. The more compelling essays in “Double Bind” address this head on. Elizabeth Corey, a political-science professor at Baylor, cautions against the extreme focus on success and productivity that one sees applied to both work and motherhood. “We simply cannot approach marriage and family in the spirit of achievement at all,” she writes. The novelist Claire Vaye Watkins writes about a trip back to her home town, Pahrump, Nevada, where being on “free lunch means you’re a scrounge, but reduced lunch means you’re regular.” Only two kinds of people make it out of there, she explains: “kids gunning for something and kids running away.” When Watkins meets a promising young student, she wants to both help her and caution her. Watkins was a runner, and she’s melancholically aware of the dislocations that her ambition has caused. In a spirited, cutting essay called “Snarling Girl,” the novelist Elisa Albert reorients the entire premise of “Double Bind.” “Maybe my great ambition, such as it is, is to refrain from engagement with systems that purport to tell me what I’m worth compared to anyone else,” she writes. She adds, “What I would like to say is Lean In my hairy Jewish ass.” Albert spells out the foolishness of trying to generalize about ambition: the desire to be a first-generation college student isn’t easily comparable to the desire to shatter a glass ceiling or own a luxury car or write a work of genius. “Our contexts are not the same, our struggles are not the same, and so our rebellions and complacencies and conformities and compromises cannot be compared.” To Albert, ambition is a quality that arises organically from both vanity and a genuine wish to do good work; it’s also something she regards as alien and horrific. “So you got what you wanted and now you want something else,” she writes. “You probably worked really hard; I salute you. . . . But if you have ever spent any time around seriously ambitious people, you know that they are very often some of the unhappiest crazies alive, forever rooting around for more, having a hard time breathing and eating and sleeping, forever trying to cover some hysterical imagined nakedness.” Albert’s essay is easily the most ambitious in the collection. There’s an infantilizing undertone that is often present in the discussions of women’s ambition happening right now. On the Web site for the Tory Burch Foundation, you’ll find an ambition pledge (“I will: Embrace ambition. Proudly articulate my ambition. Not hide it”) and an “Ambition Guidebook,” which encourages you to “gather your favorite pen, pencil, colored pencils or markers.” Within that guidebook, there’s a box for writing down ten things you love about yourself, and another box in which you can “draw or write your dreams.” Another prominent symbol of female ambition put forward this year is a statue of an elementary-school student: the bronze “Fearless Girl” staring down the famous bull on Wall Street. The statue was conceived by an advertising agency for an investment firm whose twenty-eight-person leadership team contains five women; according to the sculptor, Kristen Visbal, the statue “reminds us today’s working woman is here to stay.” It’s dismaying, and revealing, that this message is most easily conveyed through a figure of a girl—her skirt and ponytail blown back in the breeze, cheerfully unaware of the strained, exhausted, overdetermined future that awaits her.

[ledenews]

Linsly Senior Reflections: Kylie Pell, Class of 2020

Members of Linsly’s Senior Class of 2020 offer their reflections on what has been anything but a typical end to their senior year of high school. With the future of senior activities including prom, graduation, and senior week still uncertain, Linsly seniors are making the best of their final semester at Linsly and offer their reflections in this series of essays.

Above All Else... I’ve learned not to take the simplest things for granted. 

Since the beginning of my time at Linsly, six years ago to be exact, I’ve dreamt of all that my senior year would hold. I used to admire the older students experiencing their final few days of class, shirt-signing day, goodbyes and hugs with friends and teachers, prom, and graduation. I used to count down the days that I had left, not to make the time go faster, but to remind myself to cherish it all. Sadly, none of these milestones are certain anymore, as the 2019-2020 school year was cut short because of the coronavirus. Now, my school has shifted to an online learning system.  There are so many aspects of in-person school that I miss now, one of which being my friends and teachers. Above all else, these circumstances have taught me not to take even the simplest things for granted. From lunches spent laughing with my best friends to greeting my teachers when I enter their classrooms, I never took the time to fully appreciate the support that my school has given me. There really isn’t a way to put into words the environment that Linsly manages to create, a community held together by loving one another’s differences and holding each other to high standards in character and schoolwork.  Despite not being able to be physically together, Linsly has proven their quality as a school through their efforts to keep their student body learning and engaged. There is no way to deny that online class has been a challenge for both teachers and students, as this is a sort of uncharted territory in terms of teaching and learning. In this way, I think my teachers are doing a really wonderful job because I know it must be difficult to conduct their classes this way. Nonetheless, they’ve managed to continue to be incredibly supportive and ask on a regular basis how they can make things easier for us. 

Looking back - A time of Personal Growth and Change

Coming into Linsly as a very nervous seventh grader, I never could have known how my new school could change me so drastically for the better. Looking back, it feels like I was a completely different person. Though six years generally does result in some pretty major changes in a person, I credit Linsly with a great majority of these. One major difference that I've noticed in myself has been my speech impediment. I've had a stutter for almost all my life, and it used to be my biggest insecurity. Now, it is usually barely noticeable in conversation. I think this improvement came from many different factors-- the confidence that I gained at Linsly, the support from my peers, as well as the practice with public speaking that Linsly provides. An improvement in a speech impediment may seem like a miniscule change, but to me, it meant everything. I now feel comfortable speaking my mind, and I'm generally a more outgoing person.  Sending me to Linsly was one of the best choices my family ever made for me. From the very beginning of my time there, my teachers taught me skills that will help me in college, like how to manage my time, how to annotate a book, how to write a research paper, and public speaking.  Academically, I feel like I am as prepared as one could be for college. Specifically, I took AP Psychology with Mr. Foley, which quickly became my favorite class. When deciding what would be my major in college, I thought of how much I enjoyed learning about human behavior and cognition and how that knowledge could be applied in helping people in everyday life. I have Linsly and my teachers to thank for guiding me in the direction of my future career path. 

Embracing a New Normal and Cherishing the Little Things

Though I certainly miss school, my time at home with my family has been refreshing. It was strange at the beginning, but I’ve found a routine that works for me. On a general basis, I wake up at around seven-thirty, shockingly without an alarm, and have a cup of coffee with my mom. Then, I begin doing my schoolwork. At about three every day, my mom and I go on an hour walk. One thing that online school has taught me is time management, which will definitely prepare me for college. The flexibility of my schedule is also a really great thing about online school because I’m able to spend time with my loved ones.  It’s been a difficult time for everyone regarding the uncertain nature of Linsly’s oldest traditions, including graduation and many other events. I had a lot to look forward to being a senior, and I had a lot of high expectations coming into my senior year. As young people, we tend to plan the rest of our lives in very concrete ways, but things don’t always go according to plan. There will almost always be bumps in the road that make these plans just a little different, but I don’t think different is a bad thing. Our graduation is now being tentatively postponed until July, which I believe is in everyone’s best interest. I do wish, however, that students from other states and countries who are now home could be able to celebrate their graduation. Postponing our plans may seem disappointing to some, but it will allow us to hopefully celebrate in a way that is similar to our traditions. As I prepare to attend West Virginia University in the fall, I can’t help but think about the fact that my possible last day with my high school peers was Thursday, March 12, and none of us had any idea. We had our last advisor meetings, our last classes, our last meals together, and we all walked out the doors one last time. Had I known, I would have said proper goodbyes to many of my friends from far away who have now gone back home. This virus has caused a wide variety of heartbreaks all over the world, affecting each person differently, but I have a feeling we are all going to cherish the little things just a little bit more after it is all over. Read the full article

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #306

i’m v talkative today so pardon my jabbering below.

What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten? I think I've had one of those lollipops with a bug in it before as a kid? I don't remember. What would be your most ideal profession? A freelance photographer. But I'm honestly starting to lose hope. Have you tried those coloring books for adults? Yeah; it's funny you mention 'em, 'cuz a family friend got me one for my birthday earlier this month. What is a topic you definitely don't want to talk about with anyone? I don't like talking about my sexual history, doesn't matter who you are. It's just uncomfortable. What was your first gaming console? An Atari. Is there something you're eagerly waiting for? What is it? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* MAY NEEDS TO FUCKIN' HURRY. My tattoo appointment is set then. :''') Do you/have you ever belonged to an organization? If so, which one? I was a Girl Scout when I was young. What is something you're very passionate about? Nature conservation, gay rights (equal rights in general, really), the pro-choice movement, and then there are less "important" things like certain hobbies interests and such. I'm sure there are more big ones that are just slipping my mind right now, considering I feel passionately for a shitload of stuff. What are you studying or what was the last thing you studied? I majored in Art & Design with a focus on Photography in college. But guess who dropped out. What was the last present you gave someone? I don't know... I mention enough that I don't have a source of income where I can really buy anything. I think the last thing I did was a Christmas gift for Mom a year or two back of a drawing I did of our late dog Cali, whom she absolutely adored. Do you enjoy plays? If so, what was the latest one you saw? Not really, no. What was the last thing you achieved? PHP has helped me focus on little victories, so prepare for an underwhelming answer haha, but it's something. I Facebook messaged an old friend I really wanted to catch up with, and everyone in group cheered for me. :') It was really heartwarming. What a shocker that this program is really helping me once again. What is something you would like to achieve at some point in your life? I would love love love to take at least one "famous" or award-winning photograph. It'd be such amazing validation that I'm talented at something I love so much. What is one philosophy you have regarding life/living/purpose? That's... difficult to answer seeing as I'm trying desperately to find my purpose. I do try to live by this old quote a therapist said once: "Deal with life, or life deals with you." I think it holds an incredible amount of depth and meaning in such a short phrase. How would you design the inside of your own home? I don't know the details of it, really, besides that shit is gonna look like a Halloween house year-round. I can imagine wanting black furniture, too, and having loooots of decor expressive of what I love and find comfort in. Gotta make a house feel like a home just for me. What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Backstreet Boys, duh. Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)? Two things: it depends on the topic, and "get mad" is the wrong term for what I feel. It's more disgust; ex., I'm repulsed by anti-gay rights people and want absolutely nothing to do with 'em, but I'm not like, mad at them. Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Oh yeah, and it definitely depends on the raw photograph. I edit depending on the mood it emanates; like if you've seen my roadkill photography versus nature shots, there is an extremely distinct difference in editing style and vibe. I'd say in general though, I tend to like to brighten my photographs and add more vibrance. If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? God, I could write an essay on this. I just love and am so thankful for the fact we can literally freeze time forever with the click of a button and look back on fantastic sights, beautiful moments, memories... It's just magical to me, and I adore contributing to that art. Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Well yeah, that's my preference, actually. What is your absolute favorite food? The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, jfc. Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? Fuck to the absolute hell no. What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Idk, considering I'm not well-versed in the artistic creations of other countries. Perhaps India? Japan? I dunno. If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him/her? I'm asking for his fucking autograph and a hug while I smile my face in two AND cry lmao. What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I ain't gonna bullshit nobody, my PTSD. In some way or another, he's lurking in that head of mine through memories, flashbacks, wonders of what could have gone differently... but thank God it's no longer in the forefront of my mind after my first PHP. I've come very, very far, but especially when trying to blank out my mind to fall asleep, parts of PTSD strangle my brain until I'm just finally out. I really hope that changes someday. Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Yikes, nowhere, really. I like to avoid busy locations. Do you think video games cause people to become violent? Absolutely not. You are responsible for the decisions you make; music, games, movies, etc. have no deciding voice in stupid shit you do, and it's bullshit that people blame art and entertainment for such things. Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? I'm unsure. Have you or could you build your own site? Absolutely not from scratch. The closest I've gotten to that is my photography website, but it was through the assistance of Wix. What's the best thing you can cook yourself? Scrambled eggs, haha. I do make some bomb eggs at least. Are there a lot of graffiti around your neighborhood? No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. God, I want to go vegetarian again... Besides English, what other languages can you speak? I can speak a very little bit of German. Took four semesters of it in high school and became very good at it, but lack of practice has pretty much ruined that. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well; as in, I can pronounce most words I see, but that doesn't mean I understand what is written. Do you think you could make it as a chef? Gordon Ramsey would deadass kick me off his show on day one, lmao. What's your favorite kind of tea? It marvels me JUST how many tea and coffee questions are in surveys. Anyway, I don't like tea. I am an embarrassment to NC culture. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you've been? lask;dfjal;wekrjwe What's the most freeing thing you've ever done? Stealing my happiness back from someone who had no right to hold it all in its entirety. That shit's mine. Do you think today's kids are really impatient? Most, probably, but in some ways I can understand it - at least, in the sense that with the assistance of modern technology and advancements in satiating our wants so quickly, kids just expect it. I definitely believe that patience is something to try to be deeply instilled in everyone, though. I don't have an ounce of it (in most situations) and wish I did. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? One of my favorite Southern experiences is finding a bunch of honeysuckles and tasting the honey (is it technically even honey??). Tastes amazing. My family's hairdresser lives down a beautiful path that sprouts a massive amount of them, and as kids, my sisters and her two boys would go tasting them while our parents talked for so long, or if we were waiting our turn. Good memories. What has been your worst restaurant experience? I'm not sure, really. What's the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? "Inappropriate humor type jokes." <<<< They can get me sometimes, too. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? I don't believe so, no. Besides making a tye-dye one in HS with our school colors. Wasn't my idea and never wore it, haha. Do you ever read other people's survey answers? It depends on the person. If it's a friend, absolutely, because I love learning usually obscure things about them I wouldn't have known otherwise. If it's a user I don't know from wherever I got the survey, sometimes, depending on how short the answer is and my eyes kinda just scroll over it. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, especially mornings. I'm generally happier when there's light around. What's your highest level of education so far? Some college. Describe your ordinary day: My average day is embarrassingly uneventful. It's sitting on the laptop doing shit on various sites, none of which are actually important, and playing WoW, which is also without true substance, save for social interactions with my friends on there. I spray Venus' terrarium everyday multiple times as well to keep the humidity up, and obviously eat and handle that kinda bodily needs stuff. Would you ever have a UV tattoo? Ugh, that'd be so dope. I've seen some awesome ones, but idk if I'd get one, considering when am I actually going to be under UV light?? Like I wanna be able to see my tat. What is the brand and color name of your favorite lipstick? I have one black lipstick, but it comes right off so I don't even like it. I only ever put it on to take pictures. What do you like on your tortilla? Just ham and cheese. How about inside your pita bread? I've never had pita bread, actually. What do you like in your burger? It depends on where I'm getting the burger. My basic is cheese, ketchup, mustard, a bit of mayo, pickles, and a light sprinkle of diced onion, but sometimes I add bacon and take away the onions. How about on your pizza? I have three I tend to pick from: pepperoni, jalapeno, or meat lovers. Do you work better alone or in a group? Alone, definitely. Which body part would you not mind losing? I'ma be extremely honest, with just how horribly weak my legs are, I could live without them, I guess. Not saying I want to by any means, it's just exhausting using them. Ideally, I'd take away something minor, like a finger or something. What common saying people use is absolute BS to you? “'Everything happens for a reason.'” <<<< Fuckin' colossal "same." I won't rag on people who believe it, especially if it gives you courage to keep moving forward, but I don't believe it in the slightest. If it were so, I'd like to talk to whoever is in control of those "reasons," please. What is the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week? I had no idea elephants were pregnant for two years, like holy shit, can you imagine. It was in an article I saw on Facebook about a mother and daughter elephant who are both expecting and doing well. Wonderful to hear. What’s the most useless talent you have? Ha, I'm a master in the arts of catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions involving people hating me in one way or another. What’s something everyone looks stupid doing? I'm one of those people who hate dabbing done by anybody, like you look like you're just smelling your armpit. Which kids’ movie scarred you for life? I wouldn't say "scarred me for life" by any means, but when I was little, I was terrified of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz and even had nightmares about her. It sucked because my little sister was obsessed with that movie, haha. In one sentence, how would you sum up the Internet? A source of incredible knowledge but also hate and misinformation. What would be the most ridiculous thing for the government to make illegal? I literally dread the idea of Roe vs. Wade being reversed. Banning abortion would kill so many people with operational uteruses and cause absolute pandemonium. How many friends do you have on social media and how many of them do you know for real? On Facebook, I have 124 friends, and I'd say I know most of them "in real life." However, having been on the Internet since I was so young and befriending loads of incredible people, a good chunk are "online friends." Hell, I'm more interested in their lives than most "real" ones. Long-distance friendships are so valid. What fact amazes you every time you think of it? Lots of things, generally regarding the stupidity of humanity. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Probably going to the beach w/ my old friend Colleen. We had zero plans of doing it, but she just called me one morning and asked if I wanted to go, and off we went. It was a fun day. What has taken up too much of your life? I'ma be real, WoW. I don't think I'm addicted to it like I once was seeing as I go through spans where I barely want to play it at all and don't, so I truly am capable of not playing it, but rather it's just the most entertaining way to kill time in my life. I just don't like how much time I've invested into a game over six or seven years regardless. Where do you not mind waiting? Uh, nowhere lmao. Is there an app you hate to use, but still use every day? No; why would I use it if that was the case? Who is the funniest person you know? My friend Girt is fucking hysterical. What three words describe you best? Complex, passionate, and creative. What makes you think you’re smart? Lol who says I think I'm smart? Who inspires you? Korean Jesus. Okay on a serious note, not just him, of course, but he's #1 in an entire universe of ways. Do you aspire to be like somebody else? If so, who? No; I want to be my own authentic self. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Which one of your accomplishments are you the most proud of? I want to say my recovery, but like... I wonder a lot if it's "enough" to be proud of with how scarred I still am? I still struggle with a lot and feel like I could be so much better by now if I tried harder. If I'm completely honest with myself, I think it's finishing high school in the top percentile of my graduating class. There was a ceremony for the handful of us and all, and I cherish my plaque probably too much. Reminds me of a time when I knew what the fuck I was doing. What's the strangest thing you ever did as a child? Thinking I had "animal powers" where I could invoke the traits of certain animals at will, like what the actual fuck, Brittany. What did your mother teach you? Christ, a lot. Dad didn't do a lot of the raising, honestly, so much of my core values and whatnot were instilled by my mother. She taught me to care for and be nice to others, respect myself, try my best in everything, and most importantly that she is always there for me and my sisters no matter what and can tell her absolutely anything. She was very serious about us going to college and saving sex for marriage when we were younger, but she diverged from those ideas as absolutely necessary with experience. I'm extremely lucky with who I call my mom, overall. What did your father teach you? Eek... Read above. Not a lot as a kid (save for riding a bike and playing softball); most he's taught me has come following reuniting with him after my parents' divorce. I remember we went to lunch once and talked about my breakup, and he talked to me about sometimes, you just have to let people go in order to be happy, like with him and Mom. He's very serious now about ensuring us girls know that he is always there for us and will help us in any way he's capable. What makes you feel powerful? "Powerful" isn't something I really feel, if I'm being real. What are you ready to let go? It would be inexplicably fantastic if I could let every speck of Jason go in both my head and heart. What is your most bizarre deal-breaker? I don't really find any of my expectations and limits as "bizarre?" They're all valid to me. Well wait, idk if you'd find it strange that I absofuckinglutely would not date someone who hunts, but it's not to me. That's a difference in a very serious value to me. Would you rather be hated or forgotten? Hated. God, I don't want to leave this earth having given just nothing. I can live with some people hating me for whatever reason. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve made? Accepting my bisexuality, probably. That's something that I consider pretty big for two reasons: 1.) I could end up with a woman forever, and especially 2.) I was originally homophobic. I still have difficulty in fathoming how I ever was. What are some of your short-term goals? PHP is finally starting to make me build these again. I want to get better at selfcare, draw, write, and read more, I want to drink a lot more water, exercise way more... Lots of things, really. What is the weirdest thing about you? Uh. I dunno. Probably that I RP meerkats, which is a very obscure RP niche for sure.

[thecoroutfitters]

College Student Essays: the Ultimate Convenience!

A number of students said they were so focused on meeting the specifications they couldn’t consider the essay topic. Reading samples of response papers is also an additional way by which you can easily learn how to compose a reaction paper to documentary. There’s no particular limit on the quantity of words have to be written in the essay Writing writing a thesis paper Part, but it isn’t necessary to to write more than 350 words because examiners usually devote the exact same limit of time on every test work.

The Most Popular College Student Essays

An effective introduction comprises thesis statement that’s well-written and well-defined. Essay writing should involve a crystal clear grasp of the concerned endeavor. Inside my experience, descriptive essays are only difficult in regards to deciding just what things to write about.

By way of example, transportation costs may differ based on whether the college is close to home or halfway through the country. In fact, lots of small business owners feel their bank is the only place they can find a business loan. Regardless of what the kind of business, some kind of accounting computer software package that could capture daily transactions in a real-time environment and be easily run by in-house https://www.swinburne.edu.au/media/swinburneeduau/current-students/docs/pdf/Writing_at_University_2_the_Business_Report.pdf personnel is needed.

It’s possible to go through the college application knowing that you’re going somewhere. The prime aim is to cause reader to correct opinions that lots of them usually do not want to modify. If you would like to succeed in life, put some work into making your own ideal scenario.

Additional it’s possible to also conduct an interview to have the idea on how it’s taken. Even before you place on your writer’s hat, it’s important to define what you’re attempting to do. The mere truth that you’re being made to compose an essay makes you hate the topic, however hard your professor tried to ensure it is intriguing.

The author ought to choose a side, and then research to discover examples that prove her or his points. Attempt to emphasise on a single component of yourself so the reader can find out more about what uniquely defines you. Reading the essay for the very first time was moving, and over four decades later I still get precisely the same jolt of excitement each time that I re-read Mr. Read’s short tutorial on the introduction of an easy lead pencil and all the participants who willingly, and unwittingly, take part in the creation of the humble implement.

The Lost Secret of College Student Essays

Learn how to search for the opportunity in every challenge you face. There’s no precise schedule or deadline in clearing the financial loan. Link education to your upcoming career Elaborate how your educational background will allow you to attain your professional objectives.

To create a strong team, you first require a very clear set of goals and objectives. Assuming that you would like to get hired by a superior company, usually you’ll be requested to write a skilled goals essay to demonstrate that you’re the most proper candidate to occupy the available position. So it’s quite important to understand the need of education and utilize it until you achieve your targets.

Top Choices of College Student Essays

Given the simple fact there are a limited quantity of samples online, I would likewise advise that you to keep one full test for just before the examonce you’ve finished all of the preparation and revision. The quantity of work that you put in to every training course is outstanding. During the storm, the possibilities of survival of a lot of plants are higher than a plant standing alone in a part of land.

So How About College Student Essays?

Your prospective employee will have the ability to find that you’ve already defined your aims for the future and observing the strategy. There are different aims, including getting a great deal and improving your relationship with the other side. Never remain in a relationship simply because you don’t wish to be alone.

For me, it was not just grad school that enabled me to find my way. As a consequence of the hard work and time put in the collages, the students ought to be permitted to drop their lowest quiz grade in the semester. Each student must choose one reading that we’ve done so far or will read later on, and no 2 students may pick the exact same work.

If you’re a super-organized individual, you might want to type up an outline for yourself, or you could just use the notes you already made. If you locate a particular moment (anywhere from 1 minute to a month) and share a comprehensive picture, you will get a distinctive topic. The example I’d like to use is the widely used words to describe self, self-esteem.

Teaching students Dr. King and Malcolm X should be performed with an amount of respect for the two men and the work which they did. Some might get the job done better as large school research paper topics, while others are going to make decent research paper topics for college students. Keep in mind, all type of activities you’re speaking about in the essay must be associated with the scholarship program.

The Key to Successful College Student Essays

Communication denotes the exchange of information, thoughts and thoughts between two or several parties. If you search Google, you will have to dig deep to discover authoritative sources you could utilize. The computer software becomes increasingly better during its job as an increasing number of essays are being entered and can eventually offer specific feedback almost instantly.

Ultimately, you want an outstanding conclusion. Generally, one particular paragraph is sufficient. Now the question is the way to turn into sincere if you previously believe you’re sincere.

Go for genuine writersSince the web is saturated with essay writers, it’s important to get a formula of telling reliable from con providers. Current news events are a superb example. Many products and services handle the requirements of a sort of people but they still have a main audience.

College Student Essays at a Glance

Students return house with a new worldview and a feeling of purpose. Integrity is only an urge to realize moral success. You will understand, and they’re going to understand.

Life After College Student Essays

Your question is essentially the major idea of the majority of personal experience essays that have to do with recalling a particular experience. Even before you place on your writer’s hat, it’s important to define what you’re attempting to do. The mere truth that you’re being made to compose an essay makes you hate the topic, however hard your professor tried to ensure it is intriguing.

The absolute most important benefit of team building is it helps all the participants to voice their opinions in addition to adjust with one another. It’s possible to settle issues only as long as you let your guard down, and speak about doing it. My inability to complete the reading program is bothering and discouraging.

Things You Won’t Like About College Student Essays and Things You Will

It is very important to realize there’s a procedure and it requires time. Students receive number of assignments which they have to complete within specific moment. Always place your order when you have sufficient time to permit writers do through work.

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If I Had to Grade Our Democracy: D

I just celebrated my 78th birthday, which means I came of age in the 50s. I grew up in a middle-class Midwestern family that was well represented by the Father Knows Best fantasy we loved on that TV show. It wasn’t until I finished college, married and moved to the NW that I slowly became aware that those iconic images masked many of society’s ills that, unfortunately, we struggle with today. I became aware that women were at best denied equal pay for equal work and at worst blamed if they were raped. I learned that African Americans, who my friends and I simply ignored in my high school were actively abused in other places for even attempting to attend an integrated school. I learned that, while a whole new world of feminism was opening for me, that was a luxury that many impoverished working women did not have.

Having acknowledged those discrepancies, I also recognize that in the last 50 years, I witnessed much change for the better. Through blood, sweat and tears, the Civil Rights movement saw voting rights instituted and segregation outlawed. Amid jeers and struggles, women began to be recognized as successful in fields other than the traditional nurse, teacher and secretary. The sexual revolution and Roe v. Wade gave us control of our own bodies. For me, a pivotal point was an article in the preview issue of Ms Magazine in 1970 titled “I Want a Wife.”  The satirical essay pointed out how easy women’s lives would be if they came home from work and found their laundry folded and put away and dinner on the table.

I share that history to explain that I have lived in a time of great change and many positive advances that promised to lead to a just and truly democratic society.  Now I am losing my optimism. Today, the state of the union beings me sadness and resignation. In the past two years, we’re again facing many of the battles I thought were won long ago. It appears that nearly half of the nation’s citizens voted for a person who made no secret of his disregard for the hard-won rights that we took for granted.

I fear we are slipping toward fascism. The kind of government that our leaders so piously have condemned in other countries is now our own—an oligarchy that spouts blatant propaganda that inflames fears, one that is imperiling a free press, that wants to “lock up” its political opponents, that holds children hostage to compel compliance with its decrees.

I have marched more in the past year than all the rest of my life. The real disappointment for me came after the March for Life and the push for gun control by the Parkland students. I thought no one could deny their cause. But, so far, nothing has changed.

I will continue to vote, write letters, make phone calls and donate to progressive organizations, but I tired of fighting the same old battles. I have to trust that young people the age of my children and grandchildren will carry on. I see a ray of light from the newly elected representatives in the House and hope they are not ground down by the system. I would take to the streets again if we were to celebrate major reversals of the current trends.

So, if I had to grade our democracy today, it would get a D. I wish I had a more positive message.

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Globalization Essay: Benefits and drawbacks of International Incorporation

Globalization Essay: Benefits and drawbacks of International Incorporation

It is not easy to search for alot more current question for ideas as universal incorporation. There are a lot essays on globalization furnished by research workers, political figures, correspondents, businesspersons, faith based results and individuals of artwork. A multitude paper editor of meetings and symposiums, many ebooks and countless submissions are specialized in this likelihood. There are various ways to the knowledge of characterization globalization. A number of people feel that it must be all natural procedure for incorporation of countless civilizations. Yet another persons give consideration to that it must be new kind of colonialism. The other many paper proofreader free people go along with the reality that, mankind can easily enhance environment account as a consequence of internationalization. It could be superior topic to check pros and cons for this type of functional method as worldwide incorporation. Nonetheless, we will examine initial on concept of globalization or internationalization.

Meaning and reputation globalization

As we try looking in quality thesaurus, we will have the account of concept world wide. The concept of adjective world wide is regarding the world, completely or detailed. Based on unique encyclopedias, you can easily put together meaning college proofreading services of method internationalization by very own written text as procedure for unification coming from all globe spheres of existence (politics, market, societal) into just one personally own process, which utilize all countries around the world on the free paper proofreader planet. Now we will consider an excursus to reputation of globalization. To begin with symptoms of it you can easily watch in history. Especially,Roman Empirewas among the initial suggests, which enhanced the control on Mediterranean. It resulted in in depth interlacement of several ethnicities and look of community section of work in Mediterranean locations. The beginnings of universal incorporation participate XVI and XVII generations when environmentally friendly financial increase in The european countries, joined with progress in menu and geographic developments. That is why, Portuguese and Spanish language will someone edit my essay investors distributed throughout the world and involved in the colonization of United states. On the XVII century Dutch Eastern side India Enterprise essay edit service, which exchanged all sorts of Oriental nations, is considered the first of all legitimate international firm. In your XIX century, accelerated industrialization has caused a rise in market and purchase involving the Western claims in addition to their colonies, and also United states. During this time college essay editor online, unjust business with building regions is at the character of imperialist exploitation. During the very first fifty percent of XX century means of universal incorporation was cut off by two society battles and publish their time of tough economy. As soon as the Secondary Community Battle, globalization started again with an faster swiftness. It led to the accomplishment in technological advances, which contributed to immediate seas, rail and surroundings take, not to mention admittance to global mobile phone companies. Nevertheless, globalization begun to acquire significant covers during the 1990-s.

Options for internationalization for all spheres of existence

If we focus on globalization, we are going to not surprisingly sight this method about this type of spheres as business economics, tradition, and national politics. And writing check what is your opinion? Precisely what is your view? Should you not wish to jot down globalization essays, you might use some help from ouressay producing system. Some important info you can actually findhere. Starting point of globalization is forced caused by some writing editor resources. The initial provider is medical and specialised progression, that has contributed to the development of transfer and sphere of transmission. Being successful in pc technology has permitted doing a cutting-edge in material solution. It has transpired using business of Net and e-snail mail. The 2nd foundation might be deemed providing the position around the globe current economic climate to be a cost-free. Due to captured procedures, pricing on services and goods has grown to become lower priced. The 3rd supplier might be hardily thought to be looks of transnational suppliers. Society was grabbed by transnational corporations. Nearly every single day all polish my writing mankind sip or consume products and solutions of these suppliers (Coca-Cola, Pepsi, McDonalds). Everyone wore attire of foremost providers (Adidas, Nike). Microsoft, Apple inc, Windows xp, Android mobile phone essay editing service, iOs. This report is usually on going for good. Because of approach to transnationalization, we can easily use and take these output and products and solutions from elsewhere, which our region lacks. It can be reliable advice, that transnational providers have got covering the reins of state on facts and stock markets. Business economics of countries around the world is behaving now as you process. Niche business economics is actively playing fundamental part now. Progressively more totally free businesses happen in The european countries and nations of previous Soviet Union. The traditions of nationalities has grown to be united. For that reason editing services, muscle size press is now a lot more consistent. English language includes the situation of world-wide vocabulary. Have an effect on of state regions actually starts to damage. Universal troubles are remedied by global firms this sort of U . N . Enterprise, Globe Industry Enterprise and so forth.

Negative and positive ends of globalization

This sort of procedure as globalization, of course has as disadvantages and advantages. During this essay about globalization, I am going to give illustrations of good and bad negative effects of it on humankind and world.

Added benefits

The development of world-wide level of competition proofread my essay review is the earliest in addition to of globalization. As home-based manufacturers, in order international firms can be competitive with one another. Tough levels of competition will cause look and feel of top quality manufacturing. Entire world industry is successful in modern-day issue. Physical appearance of the latest exchange unions helps bring about operation of globalization. Cutting-edge cheap proof reading service methods are rooted basically every single day to all spheres of our lifespan with try to grow operation. That is attained because of medical and practical advancement. Areas, that happen to be lagging associated with in market progress, can overtake highly developed nations around the world. He or she can get caught up business economics and bolster jobs in society industry. Humankind is now significantly more tolerant, so you will find no specifications for conflicts and clashes, racism and battles for organic assets paper edits. World-wide tourist is growing. Most people can stop by other locations and grab accustomed to the society of other nations around the world.

Cons

Largely, unique locations and folks obtain majority of added benefits. There can be no features for locations with minimal growth and development of business economics. State principles are dropped. We commence to neglect our tradition, practices and customs. You can find a likelihood of lone ruler. A lot of force shall be focused in possession for edit your essay these ruler or even full region. Some businesses from community make trades will receive income, increase of experienced workforce, although some you should not get help support from status, turn out to be uncompetitive. For that users generate losses, folks suffer essay checker for college a loss of position. Assistance marketplace grows more prioritized, even while niche seems to lose its jobs. Many people want to look for brand new position with objective of getting the funds. Occurrence or deficiency of knowledge in specialized of personnel has begun playing significant position resulting from contest. Accredited staff members get higher incomes, while some get basically practically nothing or lacks pay after all. This can lead to joblessness. Joblessness will cause poverty. Much more about the causes essay editor of poverty, you can discover inessay on poverty. Nonetheless, it can also be also being a additionally. Persons will have to prepare, establish and find certification. Habitat is affected with anthropogenic sway. A lot of rainforests are reduce. Oceans and seas are hugely dirty by flowers. You will find a depletion of nutrient deposits. Typically, this information and facts injury humankind and environment

Conclusions

To summarize, globalization is primary matter for mankind. Certainly, it consists of as negative and positive affect planet earth. Consumers should certainly come across methods to give stress great alterations to ensure universe much better. Conclusions about damaging implications must be settled best proofreading software promptly by society. Exactly what is the heart and soul of globalization then, whenever we disaster the world into exploitation?

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