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iliterallyjustlivehere · 5 months ago

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i dunno if i ever posted this here but... this is a fic i started because i was projecting and about halfway through i realized i only wanted to write the parts where Nick actually gets sick so i completely lost motivation for the rest of the story.....

so here is Galaxy/Bear Witness/Delicate as it is titled in my google doc. i published on ao3 under delicate but galaxy is pretty cute given the circumstances tbh

Nick Nelson never got sick. Ever. He joked about being a great teacher because he never picked up whatever bug his students were carrying. Charlie on the other hand had a shit immune system and ended up with some sort of cold or illness once or twice a month. It was never very bad though, and Charlie had a great system when it came to being sick. He had a plan and he could carry out that plan effectively, because he had had practice.

Nick did not have practice.

The last time Nick was actually sick, like, can’t get out of bed or else he’ll pass out type sick, was four years ago during his third week in Uni. Typical freshers flu type beat. That was the only time in his years at Uni he wished he had a roommate. He knew how lucky he was to have his own room, even if it was tiny, but that week he would’ve given anything to just have another person be there. Not even to take care of him, Nick hated being taken care of, but just to bear witness to his illness. Most of his friends from home were genuinely shocked to hear he was unwell.

Nick had felt so alone. He was still brand new to this world, he didn’t even know his way around campus and here he was, lying on the floor of the bathroom praying to every God he knew of to let him feel better.

In reality, it was a 24 hour bug, but it felt like eons. He still missed more classes even when it was over because he was terrified of getting sick in class or passing his illness to anyone else. He stayed in bed a week before venturing back out into the real world.

When he did go back to class, everyone had formed groups and made friends. Everyone had a clique, and Nick wasn’t a part of any of them. Because of his sickness he had effectively missed the most important part of Uni: Making friends.

He wasn’t completely alone, he hung out with people casually and had gone to eat with other people in his program, but he didn’t feel connected to any of them. He missed his friends. He missed Tara and Darcy and Tao and Elle and everyone else. When he left for Uni he had just gotten truly comfortable around them. They were Charlie’s friends first, it felt, so he didn’t know whether they would even stay in touch when he left for Uni.

They did. They sent him sweet messages, and told him how much they missed him. Their group chat overflowed with memes and 3AM conversations about who knows what. They were his nightlight when everything else was dark.

This didn’t mean Nick didn’t feel lonely. He actually felt more alone than he ever had. He couldn’t help but feel he had messed up big time by leaving his friends, by leaving Charlie. His heart ached for them.

The first semester was rough, but he survived. And at the end of it, he had a little friend group of his own. They weren’t nearly as special as the Paris gang, but they were people he could be around. Nick had learned a valuable lesson in making new friends; he had unintentionally isolated himself from everyone other than Charlie and his friends and because of this, Nick had no idea what to do. Realizing that he couldn’t go through school alone, he managed to pick himself up and introduce himself to people. Humans are pack animals. They cannot survive alone, however much they want too.

It all ended up good. Nick still kept in contact with some of his Uni friends, they would occasionally get dinner and reminisce on the “good old days” like they were elderly and not one year out of school.

Still, though it turned out well in the end, Nick carried those feelings of isolation with him. Nowadays, he would panic for a moment whenever he didn’t feel well. Any sign of being sick sent him spiraling because in his mind he equated being ill with being completely and utterly alone. And too much of that feeling, obviously, led to him feeling worse.

Address. Acknowledge. Breathe. These are tactics he used whenever he got so tangled he couldn’t breathe. All things Charlie had taught him when Nick had opened up about his anxieties. First, address and assess the problem. Figure out the cause. Then, acknowledge it, tell it you know it’s there. Finally, breathe it out. You have to pay attention to something in order for it to do what you want. Charlie had said it was kind of like agreeing what your head was telling you, but choosing to think differently. It was all about rerouting the wires in your brain, making sure none of them are rusty or tangled.

Everyone’s brains were tangled. Some just more so. Charlie had also said the easiest way to untangle your brain was to bring all the junk to the light. Unfortunately, Nick was an excellent bottler. He would do the classic holding it all in until he exploded over everything and everyone. Nick could look absolutely fine but internally be on fire. Nick was frequently on fire, therefore giving him years of experience of yelling at himself to calm the fuck down.

And that’s just what he did when he woke up with a headache. He yelled at himself, then went about his day as if nothing were amiss. And now it was three hours later, and Nick was sitting in his classroom trying to calm down. It had just been a headache but now evolved into a dark lump in his throat and a churning stomach.

He was lucky that he didn’t have any kids today - There were scheduled “teacher work days” spread throughout the year. He couldn’t bear to think about dealing with 15 first graders on top of the pain in his head.

Groaning, he rested his head on his desk. He knew he should probably just go home, he obviously wasn’t getting any work done, but he needed this work day. People who aren’t teachers can’t even begin to comprehend how much work it takes to be one. And Nick loved it. He loved his kids, in fact, probably too much. Their schedule was always wonky because Nick insisted on giving kids individual help along with revamping programs constantly to better benefit the children.

Plus, it wasn’t like he was actually sick.

Right?

On the tail end of a chill, he felt the heaviness that comes from nausea. Nope. He couldn’t deal with this. Nick was stronger than this. He was fine. He was excellent at faking it til you make it. He wouldn’t admit to anyone when he wasn’t feeling well until the last possible second. Charlie was the only person who could always tell how Nick was feeling. Oftentimes, Charlie knew how Nick was feeling even before Nick realized it.

Charlie. Nick couldn’t stop shivering. He wished Charlie was here. God, he missed him so much he wanted to cry. His face grew warm and his vision blurred. Charlie would know what to do. He would make them cups of tea and let Nick rest his aching head against his chest. Nick longed for the soft and steady beat of Charlie’s heart.

The fluorescent lights were shooting daggers into his brain. He stupidly looked up straight into the light which caused his brimming eyes to finally overflow. Putting down his pen, he gripped his head and tried to stop the tears. He couldn’t believe he was crying over something so stupid. He had seen Charlie that morning and would see him again when he went home. Glancing at the clock, Nick realized it was only 11:30. It had been three hours since he last saw Charlie, but it felt like eons.

Finishing the English assignment felt like the end of the world. How could he do anything? He may as well quit now. The kids didn’t exist in his brain anymore. Everything had swirled together and he couldn’t stop the tears.

Another wave of nausea rolled through him. He could feel it in his fingertips, a heavy feeling that couldn’t be breathed away. Eventually the heaviness settled in his throat and behind his eyes. How long had he been crying? His face was numb. Nick was falling through a tornado, spinning round and round.

He jerked the arm that was holding up his head and barely caught himself before slamming his face onto the desk. It was time to go home. He was fine, not sick at all, he just needed to leave. He couldn’t focus here. It would be better at home. WIth Charlie.

Just a moment longer though, he reasoned. Just until he could see straight. Placing his forehead on his desk, he looped his arms over his neck, under the pieces of hair that touched his neck. His senses were already overwhelmed from the migraine, if he had to feel the hair on the back of his neck, he may actually combust. His hands were ice cold, but his body felt like it was on fire.

Not sick, not sick, not sick, not sick. He repeated it over and over again, hoping that, by putting all his energy and focus onto the fact that he was not sick, it would come true.

This was quickly followed by a surplus of spit suddenly filling his mouth. He didn’t even try to keep it in, instead opening his mouth just enough to let it all spill out. Sour spit soaked his notebook, but he didn’t care. He watched as the spit caused the ink to run, turning it into a globby blue mess. Stupid fountain pen. Watching the ink run and the spit puddle grow was mesmerizing. Different hues of blue swirled and mixed. He noticed that the longer the spit sat there, the more shades were revealed. It looked a bit like a galaxy.

He didn’t even realize what was about to happen until he was actively in the midst of it. The spit had been getting more and more cloudy which added depth to his galaxy. He had focused so much on the page that when his stomach hitched he didn’t react. Five seconds later and his galaxy disappeared underneath a puddle of his breakfast. It took him another few seconds to shake the daze and realize there was more coming. He jerked back and fell out of his chair in an attempt to grab the trash bin he kept at the side of his desk. The falling wasn’t ideal, but at least it got him where he needed to go fast enough to catch the next wave.

The next 15 minutes were terrible, to say the least. At least his brain had shut off, so all he had to do was hold the bucket and try to breathe in between gags.

The exertion made the pain in his head worse. Needing to be somewhere darker, away from the fluorescents, Nick fully climbed underneath his desk. It wasn’t much darker under there, but at least the lights weren’t assaulting him. There was a moment of surprise when he realized he could fit under his desk; He wasn’t a small human, that was for sure, and the ability to crawl into small spaces was never something he harbored. Still, he had somehow managed to curl up tight enough to fit.

Being away from the light helped his head, but his stomach still roiled. Nick had his knees pulled up to his chest with the bin next to him. It wasn’t the best configuration, but it would do for now until… Until what? What was he going to do? His chest heaved and dark spots danced across his vision. What was he going to do? He was stuck. Stuck in the school, stuck in his classroom, stuck underneath his goddamn desk. The thought of leaving his hiding spot made his heart beat faster, so all he could do was sit there in his misery.

Assess. Acknowledge. Breathe. He managed the first two steps, but as he was trying to steady his breath, another wave of nausea knocked him out flat. Barely having enough time to turn his head, Nick choked out a bit more of his breakfast, then gagged fruitlessly for a few minutes. He didn’t feel much better, but it was obvious nothing more was coming up, so he leaned back up against the desk and tried step three again. His heart was beating much too fast and he nearly blacked out as he shuttered through the first breath. Four more slow breaths and he no longer felt like he would pass out. One thing off his list of ailments. Two to go.

He hadn’t even begun thinking about what to do next when his phone started ringing. The vibration matched the thumping in his head and he cursed himself for choosing a musical theatre song as a ringtone. As Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel belted out the chorus of “For Good” he reached one arm up to feel around on the desk. Being exposed to the light felt like the worst possible thing to happen right now, so he could only grope around and pray it was in reach.

The first small miracle of the day was he found the phone at the edge of the desk. He didn’t even look to see who was calling before he answered.

“Hello, my love!” Oh my god. It was Charlie. All of his muscles started to relax, one by one at the sound of Charlie’s voice. “... what do you think about pizza for dinner?” At the mention of food, the nausea came creeping back in. Nick groaned and covered his mouth with his free hand. He didn’t want Charlie to hear how ill he was, but it was too late, Charlie had heard.

“So I’m guessing that’s a no on pizza? You could’ve just said so, no need to huff,” Charlie joked. Nick managed to smile at that, though it quickly turned to a grimace as his stomach wreaked havoc within him.

Charlie then seemed to realize Nick hadn’t spoken a word on their call.

“Nick? Hello?” Nick’s eyes began to fill with tears again. All he wanted was Charlie.

“Is something the matter?” Charlie asked. Nick nodded before realizing Charlie couldn’t see him. He could hear his boyfriend's breath over the phone and the tears spilled over.

“Yes,” he gasped. His stomach heaved again and it took everything in him not to throw up all over his phone.

“Okay. Okay, can you tell me what’s wrong?” Charlie’s voice had changed to the one he used when Nick wasn’t feeling well. This made him cry harder. He was so sick he thought he might die. He was going to die. Oh, god. His stomach flipped again and this time a spray of stomach bile came up, burning the back of his throat. This round hurt so much more than the first few. This time there was hardly anything left in his stomach and what little he was able to expel felt like acid burning through his body.

In all the mess, he’d completely forgotten about his phone call. His heart constricted again, Charlie definitely hated him now. He couldn’t do anything for himself, he was completely useless. When he found his phone wedged between his legs, the call had ended. Charlie was gone. That was the final straw. A shock rocked his body, as if he had stuck a fork in the toaster. His head hurt more than it ever had and all he wanted was for it to just stop.

Just stop.

Please.

He summoned all his strength and slammed his head back against the desk, effectively knocking himself out.

Charlie had been sitting at his desk when he called Nick. He’d been lonely that day. There was no deadline for him to fill, no work that needed to be done, no chores that hadn’t already been completed other than the dishes, but that was Nick’s job, thank you very much. And what does Charlie do when he’s lonely? He calls Nick, of course.

Their original dinner plan had been these fancy omelets Nick had seen on tiktok, but, as Charlie found out this morning, the eggs had gone bad. For once Charlie’s anxiety over spoiled food had come in handy. He always tested eggs to make sure they were still good by putting them in a container of water and seeing if any floated. Much to his delight, they all floated. He had been very proud of himself for catching it before they ate any.

The phone rang exactly six times before Nick picked up. That’s odd, thought Charlie, normally he picks up the phone after three.

“Hello, my love!” Even just knowing Nick was on the other side of the line made Charlie feel a bit less lonely. “I was just calling to ask about dinner. I know our plan was eggs, but they’ve gone bad.” Charlie paused for a second to see if Nick would say anything. When he didn’t, the loneliness came back in full swing. Nick was angry that the eggs had gone bad. Charlie should’ve been more careful. “What do you think about pizza?” There was a moment of silence, then some scuffling over the phone. What was Nick even doing? Was he that angry at Charlie for letting the eggs go bad?

Then, he heard what sounded like a groan from over the phone. Charlie’s heart dropped. Nick really was angry. It was unusual though. Normally Nick would communicate better, but he hadn’t said a word the whole phone call.

“So I’m guessing that’s a no on pizza? You could’ve just said so, no need to huff,” Charlie tried to joke, but his voice was strained and he could feel tears building up behind his eyes. This was so unlike Nick, and normally Charlie would be able to tell that Nick wasn’t feeling well, but he had been feeling emotionally unmoored all day, so the lack of response had his head reeling.

Still, nothing could be heard over the phone except Nick’s breathing. It sounded ragged, like he’d run a mile in the sun and hadn’t yet had something to drink.

“Nick? Hello?” Charlie could feel his heart twisting with anxiety.

A sniffle could be heard over the phone. Charlie was taken aback. Why was Nick crying? Was he that upset?

Nick whimpered and Charlie’s anxious heart took a step back. This wasn’t like Nick. Something was wrong.

“Is something the matter?” he asked.

There was silence over the phone and then: “Yes,” Nick gasped. His voice was tight and his breaths were labored. Charlie’s heart was hammering, his own breath, sharp.

“Okay.” Charlie took a deep breath. “Okay, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

He heard what sounded like a cough that turned wet midway through and there was a clunk that indicated that the phone had been dropped.

“Nick? Oh my god, Nick, what’s wrong?” Charlie was standing now, pacing from the bathroom door to his desk under the window. Daisy joined him, following a step behind.

More coughing could be heard. It almost sounded like he was gagging. And then the phone cut off. Nick had hung up.

Charlie abruptly stopped his anxious pacing, causing Daisy to run into the back of his knees. He barely felt it though, all he could focus on was getting to Nick. Nick needed him. Nick was hurt or in trouble or something, something was wrong and Charlie couldn’t breathe, couldn’t feel his hands, couldn't open his eyes.

Having been rudely interrupted in her own pacing, Daisy nudged him from behind, which brought him back down to earth.

He needed to get himself under control.

This was not about him.

He would be no help to Nick if he continued like this.

Assess. Acknowledge. Breathe. Something Geoff had taught him years ago. It had been a lifesaver on many occasions, for both him and Nick.

First, assess: he was anxious about Nick. The unknown factors were crushing. Next, acknowledge: Nick seemed to be unwell. This was a normal thing to be worried about. This anxiety was true. Then, the most crucial step, breathe: he counted his breaths. Breathe in 2, 3, 4, hold. And breathe out 2, 3 ,4 ,5, 6, 7, 8. Repeat the breathing as long as needed, while keeping an open mind. He repeated this three times, before the earthquake in his chest calmed down. He was okay. His feet were on the floor. Nick would be so proud of him for this.

Daisy nudged him again. Charlie opened his eyes to see she had brought him her favorite toy.

“Thank you, Daisy,” he gave her a pat on the head and she whipped around to lick his knuckles, her whole body wriggling. Charlie gave her a kiss on the head and picked up the stuffed carrot. It looked just like Nellies. Grabbing his cardigan from its signature spot on the floor, he slipped the carrot in his pocket and went to find his keys.

Technically he didn’t need to drive, Nick’s school was within walking distance, but Charlie wanted to get there as quickly as possible. Plus he didn’t know what kind of state he would find Nick in. A flashback to the hospital made Charlie cringe and he shook his head to clear the thought. Nick was probably just ill. No trips to the hospital would be needed, he thought, trying to convince himself. Maybe a migraine. For some reason, this comforted Charlie. He could handle a migraine.

Finally he found his keys, (in the sink under the frying pan he had used to make crepes that morning - they were basically just pancakes), gave Daisy another pat on the head and rushed out the front door to go rescue his boyfriend.

Nick had been listening to the clock for a few minutes now. He didn’t bother counting the seconds, he only listened to the time passing. The nausea had subsided for the time being, but had been replaced by what felt like a cloud in his brain. He almost felt drunk, the room spun when he opened his eyes, so he kept them tightly shut. He was content listening to the clock for now; figuring out what to do about the current situation could wait.

More time elapsed, but Nick wasn’t sure he believed it. If he couldn’t hear the clock, he would think the world had been frozen. And who’s to say anything was happening? If a tree falls in a forest…

The door opened. Nick’s heart would’ve fallen into his stomach, but his stomach was in his throat, so it just skittered around for a moment.

Who could it be?

Nick curled in on himself once more in an attempt to hide. Maybe if he shut his eyes tight enough, no one would see him. Maybe if he held his breath, no one would hear him.

Charlie had arrived. He tried to walk calmly to Nick’s classroom, but since there was no one there except a few faculty members and maybe a janitor, running seemed like the best option.

Plus he’d always wanted to run as fast as he could through school hallways.

When he reached Nick’s room, he was slightly winded and needed to pause to breathe for a moment before venturing further. This moment was cut short though because when Charlie looked through the window into the classroom, he didn’t see anybody. Where was Nick? His heart sped up, and not because of the hallway sprint. Cracking open the door, Charlie walked into the seemingly abandoned space.

Nick’s classroom wasn’t that large, there weren’t many places for children to hide, let alone a 6’2 Nick Nelson. The whole room looked dead. Charlie nearly shut the door and went looking elsewhere when the smell hit him. It was acidic and smelled of the tea and toast he and Nick had had for breakfast. It burned Charlie’s nose and his heart dropped, meeting his stomach which was trying to crawl into his chest.

He cautiously walked further into the room.

Still, he could not see Nick. What he did see was a thick brown liquid currently dripping down the side of his desk. He tried not to look at it too much, but it was hard when the vomit was literally everywhere. It covered Nick’s desk and Charlie could see various notebooks and stationary poking out from underneath the liquid.

Still no sign of Nick, but at least Charlie knew what he was dealing with. He took a deep breath through his mouth to steady his heart rate and walked towards the desk.

It didn’t take much looking after that.

There was Nick, curled up underneath his desk. An overturned bin was next to him; it was obvious he had tried to keep the mess contained, but it was too much so he gave up. Charlie’s heart fell through his chest and smashed onto the floor, along with his knees as he put one shaking hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“Oh, love…” Charlie couldn’t tell if Nick’s shirt was wet from sweat or vomit, but it was likely both.

Nick’s head rolled toward Charlie, eyes closed. Charlie took Nick’s face in his hands and pushed his sweaty hair out of the way. Nick’s face was bright red in some places and pale as milk in others. Tears clung to his eyelashes and bits of breakfast had dried on his chin. Using his bare hands, Charlie wiped away all traces of sickness from his face, whispering to him the whole time.

Nick’s eyes opened a crack, but his expression was still blank, as if he couldn’t see anything at all.

“Hi,” Charlie said. Nick’s eyes focused on Charlie for a moment and then rolled away again.

Now what? How was Charlie gonna drag his 6’2 ragdoll of a husband out from underneath the desk?

He did not have to ponder for long, because Nick suddenly lurched forward again, right onto Charlie. His whole body seemed to tense as he coughed up a bit of fluid on Charlie’s lap. The noise he made was torturous. It took everything in Charlie to not push Nick back to where he came from. Instead, he took Nick’s shoulders and leaned him to the right so he wasn’t directly in the way of Nick’s next round of gagging. Nothing much was coming up, but that didn’t stop Nick’s body from trying to rid itself of every last bit.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Charlie said when the gagging turned to gasping. He attempted to pull Nick out from underneath the desk, but he was so completely out of it that instead of leaning into Charlie’s gentle pulls, he reared backwards, nearly hitting his head again. How’d he even fit under there? “You’re okay, yeah, everythings fine,” Charlie rambled, more for himself than for Nick at this point. Nick retched drily again, finally leaning towards Charlie.

Taking this opportunity to finally pull him out from under the table, Charlie managed to sit Nick up right, this time leaning against the filing cabinet next to the desk. He grabbed the trash bin, but there wasn’t much use for it anymore. He was completely empty. Instead, his head lolled back, hitting the filing cabinet with a clunk. The sound reverberated throughout the room and Charlie winced. Nick was going to give himself a concussion along with whatever horrid virus was wrecking his system.

“You’ve gotta… Oh love, you have to breathe,” said Charlie. Nick kept gasping, tears running down his face. His hands were balled up in Charlie’s shirt, trying to get as close to him as possible, like maybe, just maybe, Charlie would be able to help him breathe through the pain.

“Hey, look at me,” Charlie held Nick’s chin up, forcing him to look into his eyes. “Breathe. Start slow. In, 2, 3, 4 hold. Out, 2, 3, 4, hold.” He then rested Nick’s head against his chest so he could feel the vibrations of the breaths Charlie was taking. It was the same exercise they used whenever one of them was feeling out of control. They’d been using it for so long, just hearing the words was able to ground Charlie. He hoped Nick felt the same.

As they breathed, Charlie realized just how out of breath he was feeling. Sometimes he worried that their emotions were too intertwined, one of them panicking occasionally led to the both of them breathing harshly while curled up wherever they landed. Sometimes their bed, sometimes their kitchen floor. And now apparently the floor of Nick’s classroom. It wasn’t something Charlie could worry about now though, as Nick was finally taking full deep breaths without shuddering. He still shook like a leaf, but at least he was breathing somewhat normally.

The last time Charlie was ill, Nick had narrated everything, always telling him what he was going to do before he did it, so as to not cause the panic to rise up again. Charlie moved his hands to put them in Nick’s hair and began speaking quietly.

“I’m gonna move you just a bit, okay?” Charlie wasn’t expecting an answer, but Nick moved his head in a jerky sort of nod. “And now I’m going to lean you back against the cabinet for just a moment.” He put one hand behind Nick’s head to prevent any more head related injuries. “I’m standing up now, then I’m going to lift you up. I’m going to need your help though, I can’t lift you on my own.” Another jerk of the head. “Now I’m going to take your hands and pull you up. Once you’re up, you can lean against me and I’ll put you in your chair.” The chair had somehow remained dry throughout the whole ordeal. “I’m going to count to three then pull, okay?” Nick hiccuped, which made Charlie’s heart skitter around for a moment before he was able to gain control again. If Nick was sick again, so be it. It would be easier to manage once he was sitting up.

“1, 2, 3, and up.” Surprisingly, Nick did most of the work. He was able to stand almost on his own, even if he was a bit wobbly. Once Charlie had him in the chair, he was able to get a better look at what they were dealing with.

It… it didn’t look great. Puddles ranging in thickness were spread at least a foot in every direction, slowly congealing in the cold classroom air.

Nick seemed to be doing alright, all things considered, but Charlie was worried about a possible second (or third, how long had he been sick?) round. How was he going to get all this cleaned up? There were paper towels on the desk, but it looked like they hadn’t been spared in the initial explosion.

Charlie’s brain was working overtime, and achieving exactly nothing. What was the correct next step?

He was thinking so hard he didn’t hear the knock at the door. He also didn’t hear when the door cracked up and someone walked in. He did hear the sound of something metal hit the linoleum floor and the gasp that accompanied it. Bouncing to his feet, Charlie spun around to see the school janitor, Mr. Jenson standing in the doorway.

“Oh thank god,” Charlie said, taking a step forward. “We’re gonna need a mop.”

Two hours later, after the mess had been cleaned up and Charlie was finally tucking a weary Nick into bed. Charlie was incredibly grateful Mr. Jenson had stopped by when he did. Apparently he had taken to visiting Nick in the afternoons so they could talk rugby, and was more than happy to help Charlie with the cleanup.

There had been some close calls on the way home, with Charlie pulling over more than once for Nick to dry heave on the side of the road, but he hadn’t actually been sick since the classroom. Charlie still put a bin on Nick’s side of the bed, just in case, but it seemed like he was out of the woods.

Nick had fallen asleep almost immediately, and Charlie followed soon after. Even though Charlie wasn’t ill, the afternoon's events had still exhausted him, so when Nick was finally settled, he too climbed under the covers. Charlie placed one hand in Nick’s hair and the other lay on his chest, and they both slept the day away.

And honestly?

It was pretty great.

#love them #heartstopper #emeto #whump #emetophilia #i miss writing #sickfic #fanfic

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sonybees · 4 years ago

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mutuals appreciation post!

i seriously CANNOT at all process this

literally i do not know how this even happened but i am so inexplicably grateful for every single one of you! i love all of you so so much!

i was maybe thinking about making a sleepover but school has been kicking my ass lately so i just decided on making a little mutuals appreciation post! to all my other mutuals, i love all of you so much and i literally want to smother all of you with hugs and kisses. i am so grateful for all of you. thank you.

this might be a little long so it’s under the cut! there might be a lot of mistakes snsjd

@lunaleonorah leo!!! you are an absolute blessing. i love your kindness and the amount of affection you give me literally makes me wanna break down and scream. in a good way of course sjjs. i love our conversations where we just talk about our days and all that. i wish we could always be friends and you can tell me anything you’d like. i love our friendship because we can talk to each other whenever we’d like and will always bring comfort to each other. i always look forward to having conversations with you everyday. ilysm and you deserve the world <3 all the love, pluto.

@gredmforge rory, my wife! i love talking to you about nonsense, it always makes my day and your fun and carefree personality always makes me smile. no doubt that we will be great friends in real life. the little asks you send in my inbox always make me laugh and i’m very excited for whatever future works you have. you always seemed so nice and sweet ever since i first interacted with you and i am so happy that i asked you where you got your memes because look what that got us to! shsjdjd. no but seriously, i love talking to you about our obsessions and just saying hello to each other. ilysm and i hope you always remember that! :) <3

@crookedhag my lovely eliz, i’m too lazy to make another one of those fancy scrolls that i did earlier but that doesn’t stop me from showin gmy appreciation for you. you are such a sweet and amazing person. you are also so talented and i am always so happy to see your name pop up on my notifications. you were always the first one to send me an ask for ask games and you always check in on me and i love you for that. i wish the very best in everything you do. you have great taste in music and i’m starting to think that you’re in every single fandom i don’t know jsjsj. but i love talking to you and ily! mwah! ◡̈

@oldschoolkiddo hero! the first time you ever interacted with me, i already knew that i would love having you around. you are such a fun person and all the tag games that you make and tag me in are always so fun! you are an independent person and i love that so much. you speak your mind and that is so powerful. you are so very sweet and your personality is so fun. i hope that you have many great days in the future and you can always talk to me whenever you need to. let me know if you want a distraction from anything or if you just want to rant, i will be here. ily!

@krasivayadarling my lovely ant! i am so very glad that i built up the courage to say hi to you when you made that post saying you wanted to be friends with new people. you are one of the best people i’ve ever met and you are so sweet, kind, talented, funny, and supportive. i am also so grateful for your support in my fics. you were my first ever supporter and i was really nervous for someone to read my works but you were so nice about it and i love that. i wish you all the best. ily, ant! sincerely, soap.

@whatthefuckimbisexual the loveliest persephone, you are such a bad bitch. JSJS NO BUT SRSLY ILYSM. you are such a fun person and i love how we can relate to each other a lot. i mean, staying up til 3 am and fuck aral pan yk? ejekdj. i really wish you the best in everything and i hope that we can interact more! you are truly one of the most fun and energetic people i’ve ever met and you are so very sweet and funny. thank you for being a great person! all the love <3

@falconxbarnes maddie! you add such a sweet and great person and when you reblog and like my posts, my heart fills with joy! your blog brings me so much comfort and i love our short little conversations. you remind me of going out at 5 am when the sun is almost out. the joy is always evident when that happens just like how i feel when i talk to you! i wish to eat pancit canton with you one day! i really wish you the best in everything and you deserve so many good things. mwah!

@amourtentiaa liane! you are literally so talented and it amazes me every time i read your works. you are so fun and chill and seeing your name always makes me happy! your blog page is filled with so much comfort in my opinion and our first conversation ever was so fun and you are so polite. you also really remind me of the night. i can’t explain why but like i said, you are chill and brings me a lot of comfort! i really love the way you interact with others as you are so kind. i hope you are doing well and always will feel well. ily, yannie!

@puntuations oh my gosh, ysa! you followed me first and i didn’t exactly understand why because you seemed too cool and mature for me djdj. but i am so glad you did and i am so grateful that you’re my friend. thank you for tagging me in dps related things! i really love that and it brings me so much joy. you were always so kind to me no matter what and you are so respectful. i appreciate you and your blog always makes me smile. thank you for being an amazing friend. ilysm, ysa. mwah!

@tofeeltaller joy! you bring me so much joy! sjdndjdn sorry, i had to. you are so so sweet and kind. i was always so scared to interact with dps blogs because they seemed intimidating but so nice at the same time (idk why i’m sorrydhjd), i thought y’all were too cool for me and i didn’t know how to approach you guys but after i got the courage to talk to you, i felt a lot more comfortable. you are so sweet and kind and you deserve so much more blessings. you truly are an amazing person and i hope that your days will get better and better. giving you so many warm hugs and kisses, mwah!

@lolremuslupin dkndkx omg you are so sweet! i don’t interact with you much but we do talk sometimes. i am also very glad that i decided to pm you to try and make new friends and you were so kind about it. you are such an amazing person and i love staying up at 3 am talking to you about random crap. i wish that your life will go well and that you are always safe! warm hugs!

@punkrific soaf, my twin! i really love talking to you and your energy is always so great. you are an amazing and fun person and having a twin like you always makes me feel like the luckiest ever. i am so so grateful to have you as a friend and your dashing personality always gets me. ilysm and i wish you the best! love, the ugly sofia <3

@freddieweasleyswife sweets! i’ve never met someone as sweet and kind as you are. you’re an amazing person and you deserve so much and you are so talented. i wish to write like you one day. my day is always better when I see your name in my notifications being friends with someone as amazing as you are is so great and i wosh to interact with you more. i miss talking to you and you’re always so kind and ready to comfort anyone. ilysm and you deserve the world. sincerely, sweetpea. <3

@sam-winchester-is-my-bitch rae! i love talking to you and seeing your pets! you are so kind, sweet and understanding and you really know how to make me smile. whenever i talk to you, it’s always so wholesome and nice and you give off so much good vibes. you really are like the color yellow to me, sunny, nice, but can be serious at times. but is always ready to cheer someone up. i wish you the best in everything and i hope that we can talk more! all the love <3

@daltonacademia kendi! i know you’re on a short hiatus at the moment but i just had to add you in here. i really hope that you are doing well and i hope you know that your writing is literally one of the best that i’ve ever read. you are so sweet and kind and you always have that little fun and sunny personality and i love talking to you so much. you are so respectful and you deserve so much. i’m sending you all the love and comfort. you are amazing and i hope you know that. stay safe, kendi! i really love that nicknamejsjs

@thatswhywilliamagedlikesourmilk dear! i am so glad that you followed my page and i am so so grateful that i’m friends with you. you are one of the best people ever and you are so so sweet. the most adorable person ever! talking to you feels like hugging a teddy bear and i am aware that that doesn’t make much sense but it just feels so comfy and brings me joy. i really hope that you’re doing well because you also deserve everything! sending you so many hugs <3 mwah!

@fredweasleyismyloverman alex, my dear! you are so kind and nice! i’m really glad i followed you. just a little fun fact, i actually found you through ant or @krasivayadarling . i was reading through some people who she gave ships to and i saw yours and i was like “oh my gosh, this person and i are literally the same.” and i went crazy because it looked almost exactly the same as my description hdjdjd. i’m actually not that sure if it went like that but that’s how i recalled it so i just always remember thatsbns. i literally relate to you so much and your shitposts give me life. you are so wise and amazing and i would love to talk to you more! ily, dear! mwah <3

@daisyyy2516 daze, dear! i am so happy that sab led ke to your page! literally, you are so damn talented and i just cannot i am always so amazed every time you show your works. you are so kind and sweet and such an icon. you bring me so much joy and everything you’ve ever said to me has always been something sweet and funny. ilysm and you deserve the world. i’d like if you dm’ed me once you’ve gotten your work displayed at some huge art exhibition. you are so amazing and i want you to know that. everything will be better. i appreciate you and i am so glad that you are in this world. i love you sm, daze. frd weasley loves you too. all the love and joy, soaf.

@sirlorelai lorie!! you are so nice and kind and sweet. i’m very glad that you weren’t angry at me spam reblogging your postsjsjd. i love our conversations and i wish we could talk more! you are such a kind and funny person and everything you’ve ever done has put a smile to my face. you are so fun and energetic and i love that. i hope that life is going well over there and that everything will be better if it isn’t at the moment. you deserve so much and ilysm, mwah!

@quadrupledeckertaco lorelei, dear! i miss talking to you! i really love our conversations and your soft but fierce personality is so great and it brings me so much joy. your writing is literally so amazing and like i said, i aspire to write like you one day. i miss you so much and i really hope that everything’s well. i wish you the best and sending you so much love, sofia. <3

and to all my other mutuals! thank you! i love all of you so much and interacting with all of you brings me so much joy. thank you for everything. have a great day everyone!

#again i am SO SO SO GRATEFUL #OMG YOU GUYS DONT KNOW HOW MUCH IM ACTUALLY FREAKING OUT I TROED TO BE CHILL ON THSI PSOTJEND #sofia’s got 300 friends!#sofia’s mutual appreciation post #tw swearing #tw food mention

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thedevilsmemes · 4 years ago

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PINTEREST QUOTES I USE IN MY MUSINGS BOARDS ~ A SENTENCE MEME - PART 2

Change pronouns as / when needed to preferred pronoun.

“I do not do justice, I do damage. I do not do empathy, I do damage. I do not do forgiveness, I do damage. I do not do mercy, I do damage.”

“Like, you can boss me around in sexual situations but you better not try to tell me what to do in regular life.”

“I’m fine, I’ve had worse.”

“I’m meaner than my demons.”

“If I cannot bend Heaven, I will raise Hell.”

“Well, aren’t you a little ray of pitch black?”

“He was like a storm.”

“You want to play dirty? Fine, let’s play dirty!”

{ feels an emotion. } “Who the fuck authorised this?!”

“What the fuck? What the fuck is this? What the fuck?”

“Judge if you want. We are all going to die. I intend to deserve it.”

“Goddamn right you should be scared of me.”

“They wanted a monster; I decided to give them one.”

“Seduce and destroy.”

“What the fuck is intimacy? How does that work? Letting… people be close to you? What the fuck?”

“You couldn’t kill me if you tried for one hundred years.”

“I’ll do this my way.”

“I am severely emotionally unstable.”

“What, from the bottom of the heart, the fuck?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t take any orders. I barely take suggestions.”

“I send my best regards from Hell.”

“I like my coffee how I like myself: Dark, bitter and too hot for you.”

“Me and God, we don’t get along.”

“Be brave, Angel.”

“Self care is drinking three pots of coffee and getting into a knife fight with God.”

{ takes gulp of vodka straight from the bottle } “My day was fine.”

“Have I stabbed you? No. Then I am being nice.”

“Holy Shit! I’M the demon living in my house.”

“Sir, that’s my emotional support knife collection.”

“I want an ancient elaborate dagger with my name engraved into the blade as a gift. The only romantic gesture.”

“ ‘Are you a top or a bottom?’ I'm a threat!”

“Stop being so defensive! I’m just trying to hit you with weapons.”

“The more knives you have the more valid you are.”

“She’s strong but she’s exhausted.”

“She loves moonlight and rainstorms and so many other things that have soul.”

“My darling, you can’t see it can you? How like the moon you are. Both of you so timid in yourselves; hiding pieces from the world. Then, there are those rare moments when you are both full, and it becomes hard to look away. You are beautiful.”

“Calm her chaos but never silence her storm.”

“She wears strength and darkness equally well. That girl has always been half Goddess, half Hell.”

“She has been through Hell, so believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into the fire and smiles.”

“She’s proof that you can walk through Hell and still be an angel.”

“She is both hellfire and holy water. And the flavour you taste depends on how you treat her.”

“Even the mountains can not hold all you have been carrying.”

“Storm with skin.”

“She’s thunderstorms”

“Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

“Sometimes it takes only one act of kindness and caring to change a person’s life.”

“You have a heart of gold.”

“Butterflies are the Heaven-sent kisses of an angel.”

“She who is brave is free.”

“Clever as the Devil and twice as pretty.”

“Shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick.”

“Girls who run in heels should be feared.”

“Family is everything to me.”

“She’s an old soul that believes in chivalry, romance, and love.”

“I hate getting flashbacks from things I don’t want to remember.”

“I run on coffee and grace.”

“I’m glad I’ve got boobs… the last thing I need is people making eye contact with me.”

“Tell me to put on my big girl panties one more time… and I’ll take off my thong and strangle you with it!”

“Please read all my posts in a sarcastic tone. You know, for full effect.”

“I have one nerve left and you’re dry-humping it, go away.”

“If I offend you, cry me a river. I’ll bring snacks and a raft. I will literally float down your tears, eating chips and working on my tan.”

“When she is happy, she can’t stop talking. When she is sad, she doesn’t say a word.”

“Music becomes my best friend when nobody else understands me.”

“Act like a lady, think like a boss.”

“I know I have friends but I feel I have no one to talk to about the shit that goes on in my head.”

“She was special. She combined a mean angel and a kind devil.”

“So much pain for someone so young.”

“She’s one of a kind.”

“Red lips and wine sips.”

“Brave girl, it’s time to love again.”

“She is intelligent.”

“Sometimes, when I say ‘I’m okay.’ I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, ‘I know you’re not.’ ”

“Because I’m not the kind of girl guys fall in love with.”

“I fear I will spend my life, waiting for a love story that doesn’t exist.”

“You’re a woman, use it; bring every man you meet to his motherfucking knees.”

“She denies it but, the truth is, she’s falling in love with him.”

“Hearing your heels click on the floor sounds like power.”

“She loves deeply, regardless of the love she gets back in return and it’s both her biggest strength and biggest weakness…”

“Experience raised her. Hurt taught her. Neither defined her.”

“She was not fragile like a flower was, she was fragile like a bomb.”

“Life is short; make every hair flip count.”

“I’ve always been someone who looks ‘too deep’ into something or someone. That’s because I realised from a young age that there’s always more than what meets the eye.”

“If I say ‘first of all’ Run away because I have prepared research, data, charts, and will destroy you.”

“Underestimate me, that’ll be fun.”

“You think I’m sarcastic? You should hear what I don’t say!”

“She’s a combination of sensitive and savage.”

“Stay classy, sassy and a bit bad assy.”

“She’s battling things her smile will never tell you about.”

“Ain't you ever seen a princess be a bad bitch?”

“I was told I was dangerous… I asked why? They said ‘because you don’t need anyone.’ That’s when I smiled.”

“She’s been through hell and came out an angel. You didn’t break her darling, you don’t own that kind of power.”

“Watch me. I will go to my own sun and, if I am burned by the flames, I will fly on scorched wings.”

“Her messy hair is a visible attribute to her stubborn spirit. As she shakes it free, she smiles, knowing wild is her favourite colour.”

“She’s strong. But in the back of her mind she doesn’t think that she was meant to be this strong for this long. And she wonders if there is a man out there, somewhere, who understands this.”

“She’s not for everyone and she knows it. People find her different and strange. She dances in the rain, she laughs when she cries and loves through her pain. People fear the unknown and they never knew a girl like her.”

“Don’t tell a girl with fire in her veins and hurricane bones what she should and shouldn’t do. In the blink of an eye, she will shatter that ridiculous cage you attempt to build around her beautiful bohemian spirit.”

“You provoke her until she roars and then get upset at her for becoming the monster you created.”

“Rip out his ego with your fresh nails.”

“She isn’t the sunrise; she’s the fucking sun.”

“You can’t touch a woman who can wear pain like the grandest of diamonds around her neck.”

“Watch your tongue around her. She will bear her fangs and tear you apart with all the grace of a Queen.”

“If you won’t embrace her madness, then you’ll never taste her magic.”

“Beauty may be dangerous but intelligence is lethal.”

“She is water. Powerful enough to drown you, soft enough to cleanse you, deep enough to save you.”

“Heavy is the crown and yet she wears it as if it were a feather. There is strength in her heart, determination in her eyes and the will to survive resides within her soul.”

“I wish that I could say that I am a light that never goes out, but I flicker from time to time.”

“Spoil me with loyalty. I can finance myself.”

“Shoutout to all the people with brown hair and brown eyes! We basic as fuck but we cute!”

“I feel a nap coming on.”

“Is horny an emotion?”

“I just really like thigh-highs.”

“Even though she looks innocent, she is really a perverted demon.”

“She didn’t sob or wail. Her pain was horribly discreet but as persistent and almost as silent as bleeding from an unstitched wound.”

“I don’t rise from the ashes, I make them. I’m the whole fucking fire.”

“Beautiful but destructive.”

“I’m aiming for the ‘she’s a badass and cute as hell but I wouldn’t touch her without asking’ look.”

“Loving me must be so fucking hard and I’m so sorry.”

“Some women are lost in the fire. Some women are built from it.”

“You glow differently when you’re actually happy.”

“She’s magic, that one.”

“Kicked out of Hell.”

“Red hair: the crown you never take off.”

“You’ve got a fire inside.”

“She doesn’t need a warrior, she is one. What she needs is a devout heart, and strong arms to hold her after her battles are won.”

“You are the love that came without warning: You had my heart before I could say no.”

“You want battle? I’ll give you war.”

“True evil is, above all things, seductive.”

“The Devil’s got nothing on me, my friend.”

“Haven’t I fallen far enough?”

“I’m not like them, but I can pretend.”

“I don’t like being told what to do.”

“Now I grow wings and rage, and learn how to kill.”

“Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.”

“Though she be little, she be fierce.”

“I know what this is; It’s just myself, talking to myself, about myself.”

“You underestimate my power.”

#roleplay memes #rp memes #roleplay sentence starters #sentence starters #rp starters #sentence memes

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monsoonblooms12 · 3 years ago

Note

It's time for Pooja and Ethan to play round two of our favorite game ;)

Here we go!

For Both

What’s the most embarrassing childhood story you know about your spouse?

What did they want to be when they were younger?

What was your spouse's favorite band in high school?

Describe your spouse in high school using memes or/and gifs only.

How old was your spouse when they had their first kiss? Who was it with?

If you two were the same age and had met in college, how would you have met? Would you have liked each other? Dated? Eventually married?

Which of your spouse's friends is the most attractive?

Who was your spouse's hero when they were growing up?

Can you name all your spouse’s exes before you?

Bree, thank you so much for these! I loved answering them (and got a little carried away, hehe😅)! But seriously, thank you and love you❤️!

1. What’s the most embarrassing childhood story you know about your spouse?

Pooja: (Evil Laughter)

Ethan: Anything except that Teddy Bear tale.

Pooja: Anything?

Ethan: Why does that scare me?

Pooja: Because I do have some good stories to share about you (winks)

Ethan: My God.

Pooja: This story is around the time when he was 10 or 11. This man was quite an aspiring chef when he was young, I must say. So, it was the first time he was going to make pancakes and he was super enthusiastic about it. He was like, "you just put the batter, flip them and tada!"

Ethan: That's not true.

Pooja: Keep convincing yourself, sweetheart (giggles)

The preparation was going really nice, he had the batter made perfectly, all ready to pour. And then he switched on the stove, placed the pan and poured the batter in it. In the goddamn cold pan.

Ethan: Ugh.

Pooja: And then when he realized that the pancake was taking much longer than it should to get prepared, he put it on high flame and went to drink water. Safe to say, by the time he returned, the poor pancake was all black. 27 years after, he still cannot make them (chuckles)

Ethan: At least I try.

Pooja: (still chuckling) Definitely, I give you a point for that.

Ethan: Pooja's story is more about her trying to be a mini detective when she was 7.

Pooja: Oh no!

Ethan: Oh yes. It was her mother's art exhibition, and she, like the perfect kid she was, she walked all around the place with her mom. One lady, was very curiously gazing at one of her mom's paintings and then started taking pictures of them. Little Poo thought that she was going to carry out a heist and steal all the art pieces, so she took out her faux phone, went close to the lady, and said as loudly as she could, "Hello 911? One lady is trying to steal my mommy's art."

Pooja: She was being suspicious, I couldn't help it.

Ethan: Mini detective (chuckles)

2. What did they want to be when they were younger?

Pooja: Ethan actually wanted to be a chef until he pancake burnt up to ashes. After that, he wanted to be a detective.

Ethan: She wanted to be a private investigator too, later it was forensic investigator.

3. What was your spouse's favorite band in high school?

Pooja: Ethan's favorite was Snow Patrol, and I am glad to be married to a man with superior music taste.

Ethan: Pooja was not much of a band person. She was and still is, an old classic Bollywood music lover. But if I had to choose, Silk Road & Sanam, both Indian bands.

4. Describe your spouse in high school using memes or/and gifs only.

Pooja: Ah, yes, love this question.

Ethan: I will never understand this craze over gifs or memes or whatever they are called.

Pooja: Well, it's quite easy to guess, because I don't think there is much difference between this Ethan & that Ethan.

Ethan: Pooja has two very clearly distinguishable moods, one when she is hyper productive,

And the other when she is super lazy.

Pooja: I- You just described my entire life with those two.

Ethan: I just know you well, Rookie.

5. How old was your spouse when they had their first kiss? Who was it with?

Pooja: He was almost 15 when he kissed his Highschool sweetheart, Eva. He wanted to make his first kiss a special occasion, with a date and all, but it just happened and I don't think he regrets it.

Ethan: She wasn't my high school sweetheart, we just liked each other. And I do wish that my first kiss was you.

Pooja: Aww, stop (blushing)

Ethan: (After giving Poo a cheek kiss) Pooja's first kiss was actually an accident.

Pooja: And here I was relaxed thinking you won't bring it up after the embarrassing story question.

Ethan: (Whole-hearted chuckle) But technically it was your first kiss, accidental or not.

Pooja: (Totally embarrassed) Whatever.

Ethan: This was when she was 14. There was guy in her class who liked her, and wanted to date her. One day, Pooja slipped on a puddle of water, and he, trying to help, held her hand. The next moment, he was on the top of her, lips touching.

Pooja: (in a pleading tone) Please, Pleease, Stop. It's too embarrassing!

6. If you two were the same age and had met in college, how would you have met? Would you have liked each other? Dated? Eventually married?

Pooja: Oh, most definitely! Honestly, I feel like us falling in love is inevitable.

Ethan: I do not believe in soulmate stuff, but it's unimaginable for me to not fall in love with you.

Pooja: (lays her head on his shoulder as he gives her a kiss on the forehead) I think we would have met as opponents at a debate competition. We would be the only two yelling till the end of the competition, trying to prove the other wrong, until the judges got fed up and asked us to stop. Even after the competition, we would still meet in the corridors and tell the other how wrong they were.

Ethan: After sometime, we would become friends over shared interests, and after getting to know her, I would naturally start to fall for her.

Pooja: Me too! I would be totally like, "No matter how much he yells and how wrong he was, he is still cute. And not a totally bad guy." We would gradually become best friends.

Ethan: I would be the one to comfort her when she discovers her crush is in relationship with someone else.

Pooja: And you would realize that you are in love with me (gives him an elbow nudge)

Ethan: (softly smiling) Maybe I would. And I would imagine you falling in love with me not much later.

Pooja: And then we would be sitting alone, talking about random stuff. Suddenly we look at each other's eyes, and before we realize it, we are kissing.

Ethan: We would start dating afterwards, all through med school and residency. I would definitely want to marry her, have a future with her. I like to imagine that I would be lucky enough and she would agree to be mine.

Pooja: No matter which universe, I would always agree to marry you. Every time.

(They share a soft kiss, heart full of love for each other)

7. Which of your spouse's friends is the most attractive?

Ethan: All her friends are quite attractive, even if she the only one who catches my eye.

Pooja: I am assuming that you mean all my current friends and not ex-friends. Or Landry.

(Ethan's face scrunches up in disgust and Pooja's question is answered)

Pooja: For me, it's Tobias.

Ethan: (Rolls his eyes) Him out of everyone else? You could have said Mark.

Pooja: Mark is attractive, for sure, but he has become more of my brother over time. Also, if he got to know it, he would never let me live it down (chuckles)

Ethan: But still, Tobias...

Pooja: You are jealous, aren't you? (Winks)

Ethan: (Quickly straightens his face) No, Of course not. I don't get jealous Rookie, don't forget.

Pooja: Sure thing, E, sure thing.

8. Who was your spouse's hero when they were growing up?

Ethan: Pooja and I have similar opinions on this. We don't have a hero or an idol. Yes, there are quite a few people who have inspired us, but we both don't have any hero. For Pooja, it was her parents, especially her mother. Later on, it was Kadambini Bose, the first woman from India to practice medicine and (gives a striking smile, bubbling with happiness) of course, me.

Pooja: (Mimicking him) Of course, me.

Ethan: (in a teasing tone) Is it not true?

(Pooja just rolls her eyes)

Pooja: For Ethan, it was his father and Naveen.

Ethan: You too, Rookie.

Pooja: (With genuine curiosity) Me?

Ethan: You have inspired me to appreciate the little things in life and to love myself. You have played a big role in making me the man I am today.

Pooja: (Sniffles) Did you come here with an aim to make me cry, Dr Ramsey?

Ethan: (Smiling at her) It's the truth and you should know it.

9. Can you name all your spouse’s exes before you?

Ethan: This is probably the easiest question for me to answer. She has had three relationships in total. A lot of crushes, but very few actual relationships. One was during her middle school, I guess his name was Shresht. The second one was with her best friend, Ayaan and lasted all through med school. The last one, is Me.

Pooja: The ones I know are Eva and Rosalie in high school, Renia in med school and Harper during his residency and after. Ethan has a number of casual and serious relationships and honestly, I am not surprised. Everyone wants to be with a man like him (Winks)

Ethan: You are the only one who can have me.

Pooja: (Places a hand over her heart) I am honoured, Dr Ramsey. And lucky, so damn lucky.

Ethan: I am lucky one here, love. (Gives her a forehead kiss)

#ethan x pooja #asks answered🤍#newlywed questions with our favourite host Bree💕

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youremyonlyhope · 4 years ago

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Starship Rewatch

10 years ago today (well, yesterday since I’m posting it a day later), 15 year old Hope curled up on her couch to watch a new StarKid show called Starship right as it dropped. This was the first time I got to watch a show when it was posted since I didn’t become a StarKid fan until a months earlier. I was so excited.

And now, I’m rewatching Starship for the first time in full in at least 5 years I think. I listened to the soundtrack twice earlier today, singing along at my desk at work (thank god no one else was here tonight to judge me). I still know so many of the lyrics. And so many little jokes and stuff were flooding back. Starship was my favorite StarKid show for a long time, so I’m so excited to watch this again to see if it’s still my fave.

This post ended up being really long, so you’ve been warned. But it also includes pictures of the crocheted Roach and Bugette plushies that I made as a teen.

OH. THE OLD LOGO. AHHH. I already have so many feels. The future is now! I can’t handle this. The nostalgia! The Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. My facebook account to this day says I am a Starship Ranger at the G.L.E.E. because I’ve never bothered to change it. Also, shoutout to anyone from the StarKidPotter FB and EFST days if you’re reading this. AHHH IT’S CHRIS AND ERIC. Ok I might have to pause 20 thousand times during this Starship Ranger ad to acknowledge all the StarKid cameos. Tyler! “We come to conquer... in peace!” Tyler I love you. Brian and Richard! I forgot they painted Richard BLUE. Britney and Ariel! Nicholas Joseph Stauss-Matathia! I see that StarKid’s website has shortened his name to just Nicholas Strauss but remember the days when we’d purposefully say his full name? Anyway, I literally just screamed “NICK” when I saw him because he was always one of my faves. The Old Snatch was and still is iconic. Devin and Lily! The Wizard God himself, AJ Holmes. God... remember those AJ Holmes appreciation days where we’d make Chuck Norris-like memes about AJ? So much is rushing back from the depths of my mind oh my god... It’s been so long yet it feels like yesterday... “Someone really *static* F- *static* -ucked up big time” Love it.

2 minutes and 22 seconds in. I’ve written so much. I had to pause before Joey started singing to take a moment. I love this show so much. I love these goofballs so much. And they’re all so young. Most of them are younger than I am now. This is insane.

Ok I have to promise myself not to pause as much now. *Spoiler, I failed*

“I’ll fight off this gamma radiation if it’s the last thing I ever do!... We’re going down! This is the last thing I’ll ever do!” Oh my god. Look at baby Joey. He hasn’t even graduated from college yet. And that Bug puppet! Someone remind me to dig up the pictures of my crocheted plushies of Starship puppets since I made Roach and Bugette and gave them to the StarKids at SPACE and Apocalyptour. (I also did Rumbleroar, but the bugs were my own pattern I made so I was more proud) The camera is focused in on Bug instead of Joey’s face. I love it. So much. Brannnttttttt. My god. Am I gonna freak out over every single entrance? Roach pretending to die, he’s the best friend ever. “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.” “Or the one bug, I know.” Oh man, when that line comes back... “Dirt eater” “Exoskeleton polisher” “I wanna build honeycombs” “The bug that ruins your picnic” “A fly on the wall!” That line came back to me earlier today and I died. Remembering that line was like 50% of the reason I listened to the soundtrack today.

Nick Lang! Julia! LAUREN LOPEZ. THERE SHE IS. Lovebugs, I can’t. *Sentimental music* “You could come over to my nest and I could... tear off your head and let my larva devour your body?” How did I forget that line? The way Lauren has to kick Bugette’s larva sack to walk. But the way that it also works so well with the character. I can’t. The Mosquito Brothers!! I forgot they show up so early. “This is our sister, Sweetheart” “...YO.” I CANNOT HANDLE JIM POVOLO. The “zzzz”s like buzzing as backing vocals instead of the usual “ahs” and “oohs.” The things you don’t appreciate until years later. Darren, you genius. That is such a good detail. For a second I couldn’t remember who the Overqueen is played by. 99% sure it’s Jim (It is). Also. Overqueen like ovary... and it looks like a giant vagina. That had to be pointed out to me later. “FLATTERY WILL GET YOU... everywhere.” Why did I forget that line too? “I’m a starship ranger” “Quiet you, you’re drunk” “No I’m drunk!” I remembered that line probably like... 2 minutes earlier when I noticed Joe huddling in the background and realized that line was coming up. The way Joey lets go of the puppet so both he and the puppet walk away with their arms limp... so cute.

Before even pressing play on part 3, I can hear February saying “Let the record show I am super ahead of schedule.” and I’m dying. I forgot about Brian as the escape pod. Denise Donovan! That Star Trek prop. I’m dumb so I can’t remember if it’s a communicator or what. But I know my Uhura Barbie had a mini one that I lost within a month probably. “OxyGen” “Schience” I can’t. “Mission Log... I think I just heard a spooky noise.” How am I forgetting all of these amazing lines? “Pika-pi!” AHHH I JUST SCREAMED. “My stars, I seemed to have landed in a field of these aMiNals!” I can’t. “Can I tell you guys something?” *port de bras and falls gently to the ground* “Hello!” “TOTORO!” I’m dead. The balloon mechanism on the mosquitos! I forgot about that! “HOLY SHIT IT’S A BUUUUGGGGG” Ok something I noticed but didn’t mention earlier. The bug puppet that Joe uses when he says “I had my heart set on nourishment” is the same one red and pink one that Julia used when talking about wanting to be nourishment. When Julia actually gets eaten, she’s using a different bug puppet, the green and pink one, but the same character voice. So, I can’t tell if they intentionally had her play 2 bugs so Joe could be one of them later, or if it was a mistake. I might also just be overthinking things. “ME THINKS IT WENT THAT-A-WAY” I cannot handle Jim Povolo. That scream Joe does as he slimes her. Woah I originally wrote “There seems to be no signs of intelligent lifeforms anywhere” earlier and then deleted it since I don’t know why I found it remarkable. And then looking at the comments of this part I see someone mentioned a Toy Story reference. So that’s why that line stuck out to me. Aww StarKid. There are so many Disney references in this show.

THERE SHE IS. THERE’S MY GIRL TAZ. The pew pew effects how could I forget that! “Hey Taz. You’re pretty tough for a chick.” “I was just going to say the same thing about you.” “Woahhhhhhhh” JoMo oh my god. “My spectrometer readings are off the wazooooooo” That line kills me. Why am I JUST NOW noticing, 10 years later, that Tootsie enters this scene with his gun facing the wrong way. Oh my god. “I saw the empirical proof that science killed god. It’s comforting to know he was once alive though. I like to think that when he died, he went to heaven.” Oh Tootsie Noodles. “...What the hell kind of name is that?” “He’s got bear hands??” Why do I forget all of these lines??!? That record scratch and freeze frame to go “BOOOOOO” oh my god I forgot that. “Like the other day, he was in the cafeteria, just cah-rying in front of everybody.” BOOOOOOO. Here we go, Taz’s amazing Up monologue. “And when Up, cuts an onion, the ONION is the one who cry.” HELP. Also 99% sure I used that joke for AJ appreciation at least one year. “Now take a walk off my knife” What a line. So awesome. I remember having a profile pic on FB that was the text of that monologue and the image of Lauren screaming “WALK IT OFF” I’m still convinced that first “WOO” from the audience that we hear when Up enters is Darren. “I do not peepee sitting down” “Huh??” JoMo’s face as if he’s trying his hardest not to laugh and I can’t tell if that’s him breaking character or if Krayonder is actually trying not to laugh. “I peepee like big boy, deadgoddamnit. So stop making fun of me because it hurts my feelings” I’m dying. Also, deadgoddamnit is amazing. “if you don’t go out there and die for something, then I will kill you for nothing.” I remembered the mirror scene, just seconds before it started and already started laughing. “You’re not a failure, overall.” “Allow me to introduce you to the final member of your team. MegaGirl!” I forgot how DRAMATIC that was. I also forgot that’s how MegaGirl comes into the story.

I need to stop pausing every 5 seconds oh my god I’ll never finish this tonight if I don’t.

“All hail AstroBoy” That was the funniest line. “MegaGirl, can you kill humans?” “No. But I’d like to.” I can’t handle it. “A horse ate my cousin! Me and horses got a feud.” #1 MegaGirl doing the “I’m watching you” hand sign. I can’t. “Hey. Miráme. *Slaps* NOW ESCHUCHAME” amazing. “Or that time. You taught me calculus... CALCULUS WAS TOUGH.” I never went past pre-calc. Nope. Ah. Get Back Up. One of my fave songs. “And now we dance.” Dylan’s “OW” as they lean back. “Ok Idiotas. Say something nice. Or I will kill you.” It’s all so iconic.

“So you still think being an egg planter is lame?” “...Yes.” The larva oh my god. I forgot we see one before the end. That’s Jaime playing the larva I think. Life is definitely one of my all-time favorite StarKid songs to this day. I wish it was longer. I love it so much. And I love that its instrumental is scattered as a motif throughout the show. “It’s a short, small thing we lead. With so much potential, pointless or essential, which one can I be?” Wow. Near Pippin levels of giving me an existential crisis. Also wow Joey improved his singing so much between AVPS and Starship. “My name’s Bug” “*Gasp!* Like a bug??” “Uh... no.” “Good. I’m February, like the month, but a person.” I should start saying that honestly. “I’m Hope, like the concept, but a person.” “You boldly go where every man -hey- woman -bark woof- or data dog has ever gone before! Sorry K9DX” Adorable. Joey’s subtle little double nod he makes the Bug puppet do when he’s shocked she thinks he’s a Starship Ranger. Amazing. Ah he said goddamn not deadgoddamn! February should have known right then he wasn’t human! “Take my claw” that too. "The only thing that needs to rest are your jokes, because they are so tired.” “Woahhhhhh” No but like... why don’t I use that line in everyday life... “Now I am slightly less weak.” “Ok. I’m going to shoot this metal bitch!” I’m dying. How did I forget the Taz/MegaGirl rivalry?? “That thing is a R-O-B-O-T man” “Can’t fool me with numbers, Krayonder.” I’m dead. “The stack of hay was my cousin!” #2 The way Meredith says “barometric pressure” is great. And Tootsie saying “Well you must take real good care of it, because I never would have guessed.” He’s such a sweetheart. “Nobody shoot dammit, nobody shoot.” “KILL KILL KILL” I never really liked Hideous Creatures but it’s so cute to see MegaGirl do the choreo robotically. I love that the Gap hasn’t changed. “Cool it skank, you do not know me.” Another line that I forgot until a split second before it was said. I’m so glad whoever edited this added some pews going in the wrong way for Tootsie’s gun. I know I definitely noticed Tootsie’s gun was backwards during this part, but I don’t know if I noticed it was backwards in that very first scene too. I forgot about MegaGirl tossing out Specs. That “MEGAGIRL!!!” scream from Joe though.

“Never in my 6 long days of life.” Underappreciated joke. Also, I think this is the 4th unique upright bug puppet. We got red/pink, green/blue, green/pink, and now red/blue. Also, Nick Lang is a great puppeteer. “Yes, I helped her escape. But I swear, never in a million years, did I think I’d be caught and yelled at for it!” Oh I forgot Bugette is the witness. Jaime’s angry face behind Joey is killing me. “He didn’t know the humans were evil.” “Oh, they’re not.” “Shut up!” Humoons and hoomans. “And no more singing or dancing” *gasps of horror* “The Overqueen has overspoken.” “Well, that’s not gonna help your chances with Bugette” Oh Roach. “PERHAPS.” Jim destroys me.

God the 4-person Pincer puppet. Amazing. Dylan’s arms being strong enough to be above his head for 10 minutes straight. Amazing. Also, Nick Lang is so emotive as a claw. It took me a sec but yeah JoMo is the tail. “There were? Where are they?” Joey’s face. “Tell me all about her” The claws under the chin I can’t. Hey StarKid, I see you throwing in an ad mid-video before Kick It Up a Notch. You’re lucky I love and support you guys. “Put ‘em together and what have you got?” bibbity boppity boo. More Disney references! This scene is full of them. Man, remember when we were all blown away by Dylan’s voice in this song the first time? Like we could tell he could sing in AVPM/S, but his songs were just so jokey and only his long “Welcooooooooooome” showed us his talent. But then Kick It Up a Notch happened. And we FINALLY appreciated Dylan’s beautiful voice. “I pushed it to the limit.” and “To coin a phrase, be a man.” more Disney. I might be overthinking this and will have to rewatch Life to confirm, but I think the camera zooming out as Pincer reprises Life is just like the camerawork when Bug sang it originally. If so, then wow even when filming their shows StarKid really thinks it all through. (Update: It totally is referencing the original zooms for Life and that’s amazing. Except it’s zooming out instead of in. I LOVE the attention to detail even in filming the show. I’m gonna guess that’s Liam’s doing.) All I can see when I hear Bug’s chorus of this song is Jaime and her SPACE tour dancing, which they incorporated in Apocalyptour as actual choreography. Because they’re goofballs. The kick line. Love it. God. Even though it’s not my favorite song from Starship (just because I love Life and Beauty more), Kick It Up A Notch is one of the best StarKid has ever done. I really has everything. Dylan’s gorgeous voice. Not one but two reprises of earlier songs to throw Bug’s own words back at him. Jim’s bass line. Awesome puppets. Disney references. It’s so amazing. I love how all the comments are either about Dylan’s voice or Dylan’s ability to hold his arms up for a 10+ minute scene or both.

"Gameover man, gameover!” “I feel like cutting open your belly, and filling it with jelly” *Gasps* Oh my god, I put on the captions for a second, and the caption said *Sad spayed puppy noises* “I am in charge of this mission now.” How did I forget about the mustache until 2 seconds before it happened? “She’s got the mustache now. *Kisses head* I love you” Oh my god Tootsie. I FORGOT ABOUT THE SECOND STACHE. There’s an ad right when we see Bug’s human form and I can’t even care because look at him! Ahhh. And the blue headband! Ahhhhh. Joey you’re so adorableeeee. “Bug? Well that’s a fine name.” His concerned face then the relief. Adorable. “Thank you sir. I am a tough bitch.” “Getting nothing but bug muff?!?” I love the slight delay the audience has before laughing as they realize what was just said. “Bug. You hard, ese. You flame.” I die. “Up there. In Space!” *dramatic pointing* No I totally didn’t just do the dramatic pointing with them... no that’s not in my muscle memory from 10 years ago... why would you think that. I’ll rave about Status Quo after it’s done. “But, what if I miss you?” Awwwwwwwww. And that “Just look up.” screenshot was used for “This.” memes in the fandom for years.

Oh Joey. Status Quo is such a good song too. And he really did improve as a singer to sing it. Earlier this week I remembered that this week is also the 10th anniversary of that time Darren was hopping from city to city every single day to promote the Warblers album. And at one point in that week he did a livestream that I remember rushing home to watch. In that livestream, I am 99% sure he sang Status Quo as a little sneak preview for Starship being released later that week. (Just checked, yep he sang it in a livestream on April 20 2011) God I love this song. Then the version the boys all sang for SPACE Tour was beyond beautiful too. Ahhh I love this musical.

Ok. It’s almost midnight. I started this 3 hours ago. I’m probably not finishing the show until 2am at the rate that I’m pausing and stopping to comment. But OH WELL.

“Dr. Spaceclaw” wow. “Leaving them behind was of little consequence, but a pleasure.” Oh Megagirl. “You did a very good job today too, son.” “*Gasp* Thanks dad.” That Star Wars fake-out though. Speaking of Star Wars, I really need to rewatch Ani now that I’m actively a Star Wars fan unlike last time when I still wasn’t invested in the movies I just watched them. How did I forget about Jaime playing Junior’s new mom?? ...Does Junior get an alien incubating in his chest... is that foreshadowing... I can’t remember. (This was like... half a foreshadow) This scene is funnier now that Breredith is married. The way Junior says “Phew” I’m dead. I remembered how they restrain MegaGirl once again 2 seconds before it happened oh my god. “We deserve bubbles on our skin.” An iconic line. “Well thank the long dead god you made it, Bug!” The crunching of the handshake, I can’t. Oh someone in the comments pointed out that Bug and February are doing the Tarzan hand thing while Up’s asking Taz to see a movie. Adorable.

Get yourself a man like Tootsie who won’t stand for you talking down about yourself. “Maybe this was all part of God’s plan. He made before he died.” I love the dead god jokes. I remember years ago some kid on facebook was like “The dead god jokes are offensive” and I was like “It’s a sci-fi musical about a bug in a human body but sure worry about god being dead.” but probably in an even more immature answer. I’m just mesmerized by Tootsie and MegaGirl’s verses. God. The first Dylan and Meredith duet. Amazing. And MegaGirl’s confused face is great. “Don’t press that button, or we’ll all be sucked into space.” So... Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Oh shoot... ok wait no I’ll comment on that when we get there. God that is such a cute love song. I wrote barely anything just because I love that song so much. Would love to know where Tootsie’s taking her though.

Oh my god this scene! I forgot about this. How could I forget this. “Well the world always looks a little bit brighter, from on top of a lap.” I had remembered Bug sitting on Up’s lap, but not Specs. This is the part I forgot. Adorable. Ahhhh so cute. The Specs/Krayonder relationship was apparently cut from the filmed version, but was present if you saw it live. These moments are adorable. And I love how this is the second person JoMo’s had to carry in this show since he also carried Denise earlier. “Why if it isn’t Bug, my oldest friend.” and “Don’t say that, my dear.” are adorable. Oh wait. Up sat on Bug’s lap. Not the other way around. Ok. I didn’t remember this scene as well as I thought I did. I’m dying. I didn’t want to write anything during this, but oh my god “That son of a bitch Optimus Prime” I forgot that. I love the audience’s reaction to “The entire right side of my body, it’s a robot” because they all gasp, and then laugh at themselves for gasping. I knew there was something he couldn’t do without crying. I didn’t remember it being “Sir I Wanna Buy These Shoes” Christmas Song. It’s ok Up, I haven’t listened to that song in full in years. I can’t handle it. But Christmas songs in general make me cry too. Oh Up said goddamn instead of deadgoddamn too. Hmm... Aww the mother spider story. “I think the old you was just killing out of hate.” “Oh I was.” I’m dying. Awwww the nose kiss. I definitely remembered that. “Deadgodspeed soldier!” The way Joey misses catching the keys and also Darren’s “Woo!” in the audience again. So great. That 12 minute scene is just adorable and the Up story is so dramatic and hilarious.

Hmm finishing before 2am might be ambitious... “Hahaha. Then I’ll shoot him!” “Taking care of my business down on the planet is that cool with you?” Brian’s delivery of that line has always intrigued me. “How much I care about my MegaGirl unit’s survival is also a percent equivalent to zero” Rude. “You are nothing like my boyfriend, Tootsie Noodles.” “Yes, well - wait WHAAA” This scene is so different now that they’re married. “Ha. Ha. It was cute.” “You’re... a toaster.” *Slaps* Ok 1) I used to use that insult all the time and only half ironically. I was a strange teenager. 2) She just hurt a human... isn’t that against programming, or can she just not kill humans? Evil angry Brolden is something we need more of. I love Brian as a villain. More please. “You stupid goddamn robot” So I guess they say goddamn and deadgoddamnit. I’m overthinking the evolution of language in this universe. Also Brian’s screams while being choked are amazing. I’ve never forgotten those, if anything they’re better now.

AHHHH I REFRESHED AND DELETED ALL OF MY STUFF FOR BEAUTY. Kill me. I’m so mad. Let me try to recreate it but I hate myself. I was saving this draft after every part but OF COURSE I don’t save after my favorite song and then refresh.

Oh poor Meredith. Her white wig doesn’t let her blend in as much when she’s in the hoodies playing a bug. “Oh hey Bugette, we’re just trying to get Bug laid!” That bug had to know about Bugette’s crush though? That’s just cruel. “The ending is killer” ruuuuuuddddddddddeee. I know I had at least one more point, but that’s lost to the ether. Beauty is probably my fave, if not tied with Life. When I was listening to it earlier, I was overcome with emotion because it’s just such a joyful song. These days I cry over happy stuff almost as much as I cry over the sad. And these lines just hit so hard... I love it. I love this song so much and this scene so much. “Bug. She excreted her filth for you. WE DID IT!!!!!!!!” Brant Cox is so good. It really is a shame he’s not in anything else besides AVPSY and the 10th Anniversary with everyone else. “I do accept you for who you really are. A genius.” Well February, you’ll be glad to know that you thought of that, so you’re the genius. Wow. Junior’s 25, Brian was 25, and now I’m 25. This really was perfect timing for the 10th anniversary. Also I do not feel 25. “Suck off!” amazing.

I’M SAVING THIS TIME.

Ok next part. Luckily I was only 1 minute into the next part when I refreshed. Still so mad at myself... “Someone really firetrucked up big time” (Dead)God I love that line. I also used firetruck unironically. Once again, I was a strange teenager and I didn’t like cursing and I still don’t. “This is so weird, I’m so used to the scrambly version.” (It was while writing this line the first time that I refreshed and lost Beauty....) Ok as I watch AJ, it’s hitting me that he almost definitely came to the set during rehearsals and filmed his part since it’s not a green screen like the rest of them. “The hunters have become the hunted, and it’s wabbit season.” “That was a good video, until the end when it got sad.” Thanks Bug. “I think, I just had a think” See February’s smart. “I’m in a weird situation” Love that line. “Bug is a BUG!? I DON’T BELIEVE IT” Oh Junior. Dylan’s insulted face at “I am not... a dumbass.” So I can’t tell if Brian forgets he’s trapped when he moves his arms into a more relaxed position to lean on the column and then puts them back, or if it’s purposefully staged that way. Brian’s acting while he pretends to be shy and embarrassed about his evil plan is amazing and adorable. Brian has a good evil laugh, why don’t we get him as a villain more often? Also I was gonna make some sort of joke about Nick as Pincer’s left claw vs. Robert as Snarl’s left paw, but I’ll leave it be.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WEIGHT TAZ WAS LIFTING JUST FLOATING UP TO THE SKY WHEN SHE LETS GO. I just laughed out loud. “Damn that G.L.E.E. They’re always making twisted abominations of everything!!” I cannot handle it. And the wink. Poor Darren but also not poor Darren at all. I was just now WRACKING my mind for who could possibly be playing Pincer’s tail if JoMo was being devoured by mosquitos. It’s Brant. Literally the entire cast is currently onstage. Ok Krayonder’s been getting his blood drained for 3 minutes, why is he alive? OH I FORGOT KRAYONDER GETS UP AND SHOOTS THE BUGS. Ok and he gets chopped by Pincer’s claws too so HOW does he survive? StarKid answer!!! I forgot how dramatic this musical gets when you got both the bugs and MegaGirl coming after the humans. Aww the Vulcan salute from Specs. “I changed my name. To Tootsie... MegaGirl.” I love the reactions of the people in the audience who immediately realize what that means. I hear at least one “oh my god” that sounds like sobbing. Awwwww Tootsie’s “that’s real” speech and “I’d love you if you was the horse that ate my cousin.” (#3) just... get yourself a man like Tootsie MegaGirl. He is perfection. God the downloading love scene is so cute. I can’t handle it.

The Up saving Taz scene is so dramatic. Then Brian and Jim just calmly walk offstage. It kills me. Also why did Jaime just continue to lie there? “I just needed to learn how to kill with my heart.” Not exactly what Bug meant, but it works. God Taz climbing onto Up’s back is still the most hilarious thing ever. Whoever thought of her climbing that way was a genius. So funny. I always wanted to try it. Holding the gun up to her head like a blowdryer always gave me anxiety. Making the door out of a scrim that can be backlit was genius. Oof and bringing back “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs. Or the one bug.” just hurts. Poor Bug. My heart. This is probably the line that sticks with me to this day and I do think about sometimes.

Ok it’s now 2am and I still have 2 more parts.

I sorta love that Joey didn’t have the time to change into his blacks so he’s still in the Starship Ranger suit while playing the Bug puppet. “Save the Overqueen. I love her.” Awww. “Roach, I’m gonna get the job done if it’s the second last thing I do.” Love it. That Kick It Up A Notch Reprise though. Brian, you should play villains more often. Also remember all of us being like “LUPIN CAN SING?!?!?!??!!” “Lucky for me, God is dead. When you see him in hell, tell him Junior sent you.” Deadgod I love that line. This whole deadgod thing was just leading up to that amazing line. Oh no Bugette! Bug saying “maestro” oh my god. “DFSDSJFDSJKFDS... I’m dead.” I forgot that part! Oh my god the way Brian flicks the glasses back down on his face. Ok so I saw Lauren wiggle her way behind the mucus sac, but I didn’t see Nick come onstage. I rewinded, and I guess the zoom in shots on Brian and Joey were timed so we can’t see Nick join Lauren to be the first larva to come out. Oh well. And I love the crowd cheering as Junior dies. “And bingo was his name-o” That callback though. I forgot that the Overqueen eats Bugette’s body while crying. “Or Bugette! Oh...” Also god Roach is adorable.

Last part. 2:21am. Here we go. Krayonder got his blood sucked out by giant mosquitos and was cut up by a giant scorpion, but all he needs is a bandage around his head. Awwww the soft “I Wanna Be” playing the background as Bug begs the team to accept his bug form. Bug being so mad “It’s that bastard Pincer isn’t it?” and then being so happy that Joey does the little nose scrunch thing. So cute. JOEY’S FACE WHEN DENISE KISSES THE BUG PUPPET. Cannot believe I forgot that until 2 seconds before it happened too. “I now pronounce you man vs. machine. Fight!” WOAH. Why in the WORLD did “eep op ork ahah” come back to me. I was able to say it WITH Joey. That was straight from the DEPTHS of my teenage brain oh my god. I forgot about that oh my GOD. THAT’S INSANE. I FORGOT SO MUCH STUFF BUT I REMEMBERED HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN BUG.

And the Beauty reprise.

God I love this musical. It’s still my fave StarKid show I think. And I’m horrified to see that it has only 500K views for the last part, so only 500K people have watched it all the way through after 10 years. That’s disgraceful. It’s amazing. Watch Starship.

It is 2:32am. I started at 8:50pm. Got sidetracked when I had to rewatch the Beauty part of Act 2 again to make sure I got my notes back in the post. Took a few bathroom breaks. But this is mostly because I paused every like 10 seconds to make a comment, so it took 5 and a half hours to watch a 3 hour musical. This why I take forever to watch things while liveblogging. I take too long to writing notes.

I’ll probably just post this in the morning. Gotta proofread for mistakes before posting.

Ok it’s the next afternoon. This post is literally 5,000+ words and takes 20 minutes to read according to a online word counter. I’m sorry to whoever read this entire thing. Your reward is the pictures of the Starship plushies I crocheted when I was 15 and 16.

(Ignore the bad lighting and my horribly chipped paint. That’s the only picture I have of the Bugette one since I gave it to Lauren Lopez a day later. I started making another for myself shortly after but never finished. Maybe I should finally finish the second one... hmm...)

#hope rewatches starkid #guys i'm not kidding it's 5000+ words i wrote a lot i commented on basically every single second of this 3 hour musical

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doggiedrawings · 4 years ago

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A Short Break

This will be the first time that I am taking a “vacation break” since the pandemic started, and my shop will be closed until November 25th. A dear friend is lending us her house near Santa Barbara for the weekend. We will still be staying in, social distancing and all that, but it will be so nice to take a break from our usual routine, to be near a beach, to have time outdoors.

I have had friends and customers reach out to me to ask how I am doing. Thank you for your concern and care.

It has been 4 weeks since Boogie’s death but I have lost sense of time and sometimes it feels like it was only 1 week ago. I wish I could say I was feeling “better” but I am still struggling.

GRIEVING...

is emotionally, physically painful. It is exhausting. I have trouble getting to sleep at night without medication. I cry so much everyday that my eyes are puffy and sore, and my sinuses are often blocked. I also take painkillers everyday for the headaches.

I feel like I am in a state of low-level panic all the time...I can feel my heart racing at certain moments of the day (when Boogie and I do stuff together), I am jolted by all kinds of subtle sounds in this silent apartment - pipes creaking in the ceiling, rustles of unknown things, electrical hums, my own breathing... “Where is my little dog? What should I do? I don’t know what to do”. In this silence, I hear everything. It’s hard to focus.

Sometimes I cannot bear to be on Facebook. Friends are posting #challenges that involve sharing something about your dog...or memes about snuggling/training with their dogs... and it’s unbearable.

I see social media posts - dog articles, dog books, dog events - I would normally get excited about these! Now I have to consider if it is SAFE YET for me to read certain articles/books and where my mind will go.... This is a problem.

I still love looking at photos of dogs. It’s photos of PEOPLE WITH DOGS that are triggering, and they remind me of my own loss. I look at photos of Boogie and they make me smile; they warm my heart. But when I look at photos of Boogie and me together - these break my heart. I don’t just miss him; I miss US.

I go for walks. Every street is rich with Boogie memories. The street where he liked to watch squirrels. The street where he got a foxtail up his nose. The street with the barky dog behind the fence. The street where he pooped into an empty box and I had to carry this box around for ages... My own street - where I know he won’t be at home to greet me when I return. I am walking and crying at the same time. (I am grateful to friends who go for walks with me)

Friends have told me that having Boogie’s ashes with me should bring some comfort (”he is with you now”) but I have mixed feelings about this. They are a brutal reminder that he is dead. He is really gone. And yet I cannot bear to send these ashes into an ocean or get rid of them because I have trouble letting go.

Organizing his toys and clothes - the hardest.

I know I am not alone in this grief and as a friend said to me “Grief is a type of insanity”. I know others who have lost their companion animals and they are still crying, months later. I am functioning, but I have trouble feeling “happy” or “excited” about anything.

I know this process will take time. I don’t know how long it will take and this scares me. I look forward to when I am no longer ugly-crying everyday, and when I am strong enough and assured enough again in myself to adopt a new little friend. I am not there yet.

EARLY PHOTOS of a younger Boogie:

Thank you for reading,

Lili x

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some-creep · 5 years ago

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CREEP RANKS EVERY SONG IN NIER... AUTOMATA (mostly) BY TITLE

Because, like, no one played Gestalt. Also this game has more songs.

Significance Like. I guess. It’s a title you can use. What is significant? We don’t know. The characters don’t know. They are struggling to find out. We all are. What is meaning? What really matters? I don’t know but we’re all crying. 8/10

City Ruins – Rays of Light / Shade Plays in the ruins of the city. Exactly as advertised. Sounds sad like you might imagine. 9/10

Peaceful Sleep This is the Resistance camp right? Peaceful things don’t tend to happen there honestly. At least not as we keep going. Sounds like a sleepy JRPG town though. Ok title for the mood it gives. I like this song a lot so I’m cheating and giving it more points than I know it deserves as just, like, a title. 8/10

Memories of Dust Sand is dusty. What memories? We’re making them. Cool title. Sounds like a YA novel though. 9/10

Birth of a Wish Genuinely often get confused with the Silent Hill 2 bonus story Born from a Wish whenever I try to remember what this song is called. This Cannot Continue / 10

The Color of Depression This is like… a really cool title. Thanks. That Scanner boy is not gonna live the happy family life you all for some reason keep suggesting he is. Bad things are gonna happen to him. He dies anyway. 11/10

Amusement Park Yeah. I guess. We certainly are in the amusement park level. Creep why does this one rank so much lower than City Ruins which was also just “name of location”. Amusement park is not a cool title. City Ruins is a cool title. 7/10

A Beautiful Song Would you say Simone has girlpower? Would you say Simone successfully used her girlpower to kill and consume countless androids and also turn them into near lifeless weapons and body jewelry? 9/10

Voice of No Return Sad title. Sad song. Exactly as advertised once again. I feel sad listening to the Automata OST most of the time. Is this quest complete in the camp? I think so. Anyway it’s really sad. I love to cry. 11/10

Grandma – Destruction Um so this is like. Genuinely a horrible title. It reminds me of the title of a darkweb video which I will say no more on. This song is REALLY good its a shame this title is so… uh. Bad. It’s just bad. 1/10

Faltering Prayer – Dawn Breeze / Starry Sky This is another really cool title. This game is about like… life after god. I’m not here to get thematic. I say in a list entirely about if the song fits the theme. Anyway this is a cool title. The song again… sounds sad. One of them is a music box which I love. Cheating again. 10/10

Emil’s Shop EVERY DAY’S A SALE. EVERY SALE’S A WIN. 12/10!!

Treasured Times The fact this plays after Emil’s shop on the OST is the biggest tonal whiplash in the world. This song makes me feel an emotion I cannot describe. It’s something like sadness but not quite. This isn’t a review of the songs, just the title. But reading the title makes me feel that emotion too but stronger when I think about it. I don’t know. 9/10

Vague Hope – Cold Rain / Spring Rain Good title… Thematically very appropriate. Not COOL like some of the others but it feels right feels canon. I like it. It’s just the city ruins quest complete song but it also plays in one of the fucking… DLC fights. That makes me extra sad. 10/10

End of the Unknown Which unknown was ended. Genuinely think when this plays I had more unknowns than knowns. This song sounds like every song from the Gestalt DLC. 6/10.

Pascal At least Automata has far fewer “named after a character” songs. They just have named after a place songs. I love Pascal so if I give this a low score he might be upset. 8/10

Forest Kingdom It really… the forest huh. Random but one of the songs in Code Vein does a vocal thing that always reminds me of this song for some reason. That has nothing to do with this game or this songs title at all I just wanted to tell you. Long Live The Forest King / 10

Dark Colossus – Kaiju This song is also in Gestalt. It’s cooler here. More stakes. Song title suggests less stakes though? That’s kinda weird. Because of this it loses points. I’m sorry. 7/10

Copied City Dude I left this one off the list when I first typed it out lol. Someone not to @ anyone told me this was based on Nier’s village. Lie to me again. I don’t know what City is being Copied. One of them. It reminds me more of the Cathedral City from DoD3. Which is a bad horrible game that I completed 100%. 8/10

Wretched Weaponry Not to be confused with Wretched Automatons. Is this like, a remix? My ears don’t work so I don’t know. Don’t inform me because I love being stupid. Anyway, in the narrative it makes sense. It’s a good, cool title. Song is softer than the title would suggest. 9/10

Possessed by Disease COOL SONG TITLE. Thank you. This plays… somewhere. Uh. Hm. I’ve 100% completed this game like three times. 9/10

Broken Heart You think you’re gonna hear a sad song? SURPRISE. Sinister as hellllll. Subverted expectations baby. MCU take notes. I’ve never seen a movie in the MCU. Loving the dark tones in this. Broken heart but the emotion isn’t just sad. GOOD STUFF. 10/10

Mourning Again. You think it’s gonna be sad? But BOOM. It isn’t. I mean it still is, but in a dark way. These aren’t song reviews. These are title reviews. But if a title suggests one thing and delivers another that’s still a valid point right? I don’t know. Hey wait isn’t this just Shadowlord’s Castle? Yonah / 10

Dependent Weakling Well, it’s no Song of the Ancients – Fate, but it’ll do. In all seriousness, this is like, a great song title for Eve’s boss battle. Y’know, because he relied so heavily on Adam and all’a that. Maybe a little on the nose. Maybe a little rude. Eve sucks / 10

Rebirth & Hope Sounds hopeful. Plays during ending A where we see a Rebirth cos 9S super doesn’t die. This song is literally 30 seconds long why am I even bothering. Oh, right, because it’s on the OST at all. 30 second songs / 10

War & War Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here, this is the war room. It… sounds like a war room song. A preparing for a big battle song. Once again, exactly as advertised. Plays before a big battle. It really thematic naming! Peace was never an option. 8/10

Crumbling Lies Words cannot express how much I adore this song. First of all, title is on point. It’s the song that plays when you get to Route C. Literally the moment I fell in love with the game. The Bunker is destroyed, which, again… maybe it’s a bit on the nose. I don’t care. This is the perfect song title to the perfect song. I will die on this hill. 12/10

Widespread Illness Red Eye except it’s robots now. Very thematically appropriate. Everyone is dying. There’s nothing you can do to cure it except kill them. They’re incredibly infectious. Zombie Virus but with Robots. Can you tell I don’t remember what it’s called? I’m writing this at 1am and I’ve decided it’s funnier if I don’t look anything up. Sounds very somber… I like it. 9/10

Fortress of Lies Not to be dramatic but when I read this English title I was like MMMMMMMNNN because like. I get it. It plays in the Bunker. Which… is built on lies. Again. Incredibly on the nose but when I learned what the song was called I just fucking DIED the first time. I’m stupid. I don’t care. 11/10

Song of the Ancients – Atonement Another song I died when I learned the title of. Devola and Popola in that game have nothing to atone for. They are atoning for sing they did not commit. Punished for the crimes of another set of Androids, possibly thousands of miles away. It’s not fair. They have nothing to atone for. They’ve done nothing wrong. 12/10 crying creeps.

Blissful Death FUCK. This one plays in the Devola and Popola like. Text Adventure part. Which is just. I love it so much. No one dies in that though. Well… maybe someone does. It’s not impossible that Popola hurt someone. It’s suggested that, maaaaybe she did. No one stops. No one Stops.

Emil – Despair Emil’s life has quite literally only been despair. Please don’t bully him with your song titles like this… 9/10

Alien Manifestation Vintage meme of that guy from the history channel with the impact font that just says Aliens. This game has aliens, I will give you that. They’re all dead though. I guess the machines are aliens but. Eh. Wait doesn’t this play in the castle? There aren’t even aliens there what the fuck. 5/10

The Tower There’s a tower. This plays there. Thank you. Also the name of a tarot card I think? That could be cool if I knew a single goddamn thing about tarot cards. I don’t. 6/10

Bipolar Nightmare Cool flying section. Has anyone found Grun skip yet? Because the bounty for that was like. A lot of money. Vaguely a cool song title. I kinda like it. Although for some reason it reminds me of The Evil Within’s Japanese title, Psychobreak. So I think I like it less because of that. Not the worst title, but maybe the lowest of the COOL EDGY song titles. Fucking love the piano part in this one though. 7/10

The Sound of the End Really super cool and sexy song title. 2B is going to die but she can’t let anyone else get hurt because of it. She’s already done so much damage. This song is really dramatic sounding. The title is dramatic. Love this one a lot. The actual playable segment is kind of a struggle. But I think that’s the point… 10/10

Weight of the World / End of YoRHa I once got into an internet fight because I said this song is about every character except 9S because of the line “I’m only one girl”. I was corrected that the Japanese version is basically EXCLUSIVELY about 9S. None of this is relevant at all I just wanted to remember it. I still do not like 9S. Thematically a brilliant title. Everyone feels like they must do so much… but you cannot bear the weight of the world alone. Ending E legitimately makes me cry. Whenever I think about the messages from other players supporting me? It’s a lot. What the fuck. 12/10

#nier #nier automata #long post #creep ranks

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parvasilvi · 5 years ago

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Endeavour Fandom Meme tagged by @wherehefoundtheporcupine, thanks!

Top 5 Episodes

Ride is my absolute #1 favourite. I’ve watched it so many times. The plot is so ridiculous. Great Gatsby&the Prestige crossover? I love it. Morse taking the time to heal after trauma? I needed so much more of that. THE HAIR? Forever in love. Home is also a favourite. Endeavour’s so YOUNG there. We get to see some of his family. We get some Thursday backstory. They take down the (former) mob-boss together. Morse looks so terribly fragile at the end. I just love it. Trove, immediately following Home, also great. Morse slowly piecing himself back together after being shot in the pevious season’s finale. Protective Dad!Thursday. The way Morse snarks at the snooty professor. The kindness he shows Frida Yelen’s dad. The tender moment with Monica. There’s a lot to love in this episode. Neverland almost didn’t make it in the top 5, because the puppet CREEPS me out, but I had to have it here, if only for Morse standing with Thursday, doing what’s right, despite the (DIRE) consequences. AND the POEM! I could listen to that on repeat except I cant handle the emotions. And lastly Deguello, andother episode where Morse takes on the corrupt upper layers, only this time with the Cowley team standing by him. Also by this episode I had gotten used to the Morsestache and could almost live with it.

Runner-up for Quartet for fantastic spy shenanigans, and also just mentioning Coda as a runner-up because I enjoy the angst of the bankrobbery but am not really here for manipulation-via-women that’s the plot of this episode.

Seasons in Order of Preference (or tops)

Gods must you do this to me? There’s highs and lows in all things. S3, S1, S2, S5, S4, S6. I haven’t brought myself to watch S7 yet, I worry it’ll make me dislike the show. It all seems so DIRE. I prefer the earlier seasons where there wasn’t AS much strife between Thursday and Morse, though the differences were always there I suppose. S3 is a definite fave, I love all 4 films that year. S4, the season where Joan left without saying anything, is only so low because it hurts my heart soo much. I cannot bear Win’s suffering. She breaks my heart in season 4, what a phenomenal performance with the little screentime she has. I love Win so much.

Favourite Scene(s)

Season 3, episode 1; Morse is back in Oxford, where he belongs, and he’s sitting on a bench next to Thursday. They discuss the case, Morse predicts the sandwich. And then, finally FINALLY. Morse talks about what prison was like. He tries to keep it light, but it’s... it’s still so fresh. But Thursday listens, and reassures him when he starts to doubt himself. And these actors, their faces, it’s just. I love it.

Honorary mentions for the bed-shopping scene with Monica which is adorable and I love their love, the scene where Morse and Claudine discuss rain and sex because I like when Morse is happy, the exact way in which Thursday says "He's an idealist" in S6 finale Deguello as he's explaining why he can't get Morse to back off, and the scene after Fancy’s death, between Morse and Frazil because the way Morse says “he was 23″ and the look on Frazil’s face always brings tears to my eyes.

Favourite Musical Piece or Moment

I don’t really know? Despite the imporance of music in the show, I don’t really pay too much attention. I wish we had more of Morse’s singing. If I had to pick something I’d pick have Ein Deutches Requiem from Trove, but that’s mostly because I recognised it from when I sang it with my choir, and then I listened to (and hummed) the whole Requiem for about a month because of nostalgia and for the max Endeavour vibes it was giving me.

Also, I agree with wherehfoundtheporcupine; the theme tune. It’s so... wistful? I think? Just the association with the show I love, but also the soft beginning, swelling to that dramatic rolling melody and then the tender ending. Yeah.

Favourite Cinematography/Imagery (season, ep, whatever)

Probably this shot from Ride:

(gif by @guardiansinferno)

I’m also a big fan of the way Morse never looks at bodies for long, and he’s always angled away from them in groupshots. He can’t escape it, but he’ll never be comfortable around death, and turn away as soon as he can.

Favourite Ensemble Character that isn’t Morse

Win. I just love her. I love how Caroline O’Neill plays her. I love how gentle and kind and supportive and welcoming and caring she is. But I also love how she stands up for herself, how strong she must be, as we see in glimpses of her life as a policeman’s wife. She’s amazing.

Runner up for Bright, who I’ll be honest I didn’t like at first, but now even on rewatches is always a joy to behold. Look at that man. He got where he is by doing things by the book, but he’s slowly learning that sometimes justice trumps order, and that it’s the people that are important, not the laws.

Favourite One-episode Character

Probably Bettina Pettybon, bless her poor heart. She has such a huge arc in the one episode she’s in. I hope she’s out there living her best life.

Favourite Morse Look (season, ep, whatever)

Smiling (gif by @snappyjenkins) The scarf (despite the negative connotations) also looks really good on him.

Runner up for this look (gif by @mykingackles):

Biggest Disappointment

The unresolved plot with Joan Thursday. Actually, the confusing character development of Joan Thursday. I wish we knew more about her mindset after Coda, and after coming back. I wish they hadn’t done the will-they-won’t-they-no-of-course-they-won’t-cause-canon thing for so long. Now they both just seem wishy-washy.

Provide some Spicy Takes (on canon, fandom, anything)

I keep forgetting that Morse has a sister, and I think the show should cater to me in that regard and actually mention her every once in a while. Let him talk about calling his sister, or end an episode with him dialing her number or something if you can’t afford to get the actress back. Actually, extrapolating from that I’m done with Endeavour - Lone Wolf. Let him make (and keep!) some friends, even outside the precinct. He’s a prickly bugger at the best of times, but even prickly buggers find soft pincushions to stick to. I don’t know where this metaphor is going, let’s get back on track - Morse is kind in his own way. He cares, almost too much sometimes. Give us someone who cares back. I miss the Monica seasons.

Free Space! (Make up something - anything - you want to share or say)

I haven’t given enough love to Dorothea Frazil in all the previous questions. She’s such a great character, we really should’ve gotten more from her. I love the dynamic she has with the main duo, the way she and Morse seem to always be on the same wavelength, and how antagonistic Thursday is towards her. I wonder if it’s because he’s so old-fashioned and she’s not having that patriarchal bullshit, or if it’s just because she’s a journalist. I should go back and add Game to my favourite episodes, just because of her scenes in that, and the way Morse doesn’t even have to say what happened to her protogé. Also the way Trewlove puts that asshat who underestimates her chess knowledge in his place. God this show has so many amazing moments.

I have the feeling this game is spreading like wildfire through the fandom, I’ve seen it on my dash a lot, but I’m going to tag @endeavourous and @snappyjenkins cause I don’t think I’ve seen theirs yet?

#itv endeavour #that took a long time to put together #such difficult questions!#but fun #fun to think about it so thoroughly #fun to review all the episodes again #endeavour

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ajoraverse · 4 years ago

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Does anyone care? Nah ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . But this meme crossed my main dash so I’m gonna answer it here because I know no one would actually play memes with me anymore. This is the Beta AU post; FFV will be separate.

What OC has the biggest family? How do they get along? I mean, Alfredot has been creating gems for thousands of years by the time she stopped. She generally gets along well with them, for how little time she’s able to spend with them before they get shipped out.

What OC has/is a mentor? Alfredot both had a mentor and has been one. And in better years, she was a fair one. It’s just been in the past 5000 years that she broke and became that one jerk teacher no one likes but is the only one who teaches Advanced Exogeology.

What OC has a huge group of friends? I’m not sure if Skinny/Twig counts because she’s based on a bit canon character, but definitely her. She tends to get along with everyone.

What OC has a small, close group of friends? Mist never makes friends easily, and a lot of that is because of trauma, but she sticks to them when she can.

What OC has, like, one friend? Alfredot used to have a larger pool, but all her friends are either dead or have been driven away by 5000 years of her being a bitter asshole.

What OC is the Mom Friend? Twig

What OC really needs the Mom Friend around? Bear could honestly really use a friend, given her difficulties, but not a lot of people want to make the effort to slow down for her.

Which OCs are an old married couple (literally or figuratively)? Alfredot and Mist, if they ever reunite

What is your favorite platonic relationship between your OCs? Twig and Mouse, easily. They’re both so laid back that they can shoot the breeze for years and not get annoyed with each other.

What is your favorite familial relationship between your OCs? Look, Prasiolite was Alfredot’s daughter and I’m sorry I never got to really explore that.

What is your favorite romantic relationship between your OCs? I really love exploring taboo and complicated relationships, so it was always gonna be Alfredot and Mist.

Which two OCs are the most different from each other? Oh, goodness, Twig and Copper are as different as night and day. Up until Twig gets all Ahab, anyway.

Which OCs complement each other the best? This is a good question and I think Twig would be good for helping Burgundy and Copper to step down on the intensity a bit.

Which OCs get along the best with each other? Oh, gosh, probably Sunstone and Twig, if they ever met. Twig would find Sunstone’s genuine desire to do good to be refreshing, and Sunstone would look up to Twig’s unwillingness to let anything get to her.

Whch OCs get along the worst with each other? Copper and Albite (who may or may not be one and the same, opinion pending) would, ironically, find Sunstone’s optimism and goodwill aggravating.

Which OCs don’t know each other, but would get along great if they did? Despite Albite’s disapproval with how pearls are made, she would approve of Copper’s attempts at revolution--mostly what she hates is inaction and compliance. She would also be more approving of Alfredot’s efforts at fueling and informing Copper’s revolution if she had any idea Alfredot would eventually grow a spine. And oh, goodness would Albite love Bismuth and Pearl.

Which OCs don’t know each other, but would hate each other if they did? Sunstone and Star Sapphire do actually know of each other, and Star Sapphire does manipulate Sunstone, but Sunstone would loathe the way Star Sapphire plays behind the scenes (despite, well, doing her own manipulations--Star Sapphire operates out of a necessary distance because she’s ancient beyond belief, Sunstone is still young enough and well-meaning enough to believe the best of people).

Which OCs would make the worst couple? Oh god I cannot see Albite with anyone, she’s too dedicated to her movement and it occupied her every thought. Likewise with Copper.

What’s the strangest way two (or more) OCs have met? Mist might have made a very loud wark when meeting Twig, who was the first of her gems to have met her.

Which non-related OCs have known each other the longest? Star Sapphire and Alfredot.

Which OCs knew each other the shortest time before becoming close friends? Look, Twig will befriend everyone at a moment’s notice.

Which OCs spend the most time together? Stoneshaper is actually the gem who spends the most time with Mist post-corruption, because she likes a captive audience and Mist doesn’t mind her making things in front of her.

Which OCs have fought with each other the most? The triplets fight with everyone, tbh. They’re soldiers without purpose and need a guide.

Do any OCs have friends they haven’t met in person? Not really. Most of them have met at least once. Moonstone had acquaintances she only met through the network, but as she is so detached from everything due to sheer age, she doesn’t grow close to anyone.

Do any OCs have imaginary friends? Nope

Does OC have a hard or easy time making friends? Alfredot has a harder time making friends the older she gets.

How did OC meet their best friend? Peach Pearl was just dropped in Sunstone’s lap one day. And it was a rocky start (haha), but they do get to be close friends.

How did OC meet their worst enemy? Well, see, Lapis dragged Jasper under the sea and forced a fusion for months and Twig hated her since.

How did OC meet their significant other? If OC does not have a SO, do they want one? Sunstone being genuinely ace, she’s just as happy to be bffs with someone.

How does OC get along with their parents? Alfredot got on very well with her maker. Well enough to be apprenticed to her.

Does OC have siblings? Do they get along if they do? Do they wish they had some if they don’t? Twig has plenty of siblings, some she gets along with better than others. But it’s with Jasper that she has the most sibling-like relationship.

Does OC have or want kids? Twig has so many human kids, you guys.

Is OC/Would OC be a good parent? Twig is the best parent. She will drop everything for the kids, even if none of them came from her body. They were her wives’ kids, so they’re her kids too.

What is something unusual OC has bonded with someone over? It’s not been explored at all, but Alfredot started bonding with Albite over ship building and maintenance.

What is the most important relationship in OC’s life? I actually want to say Albite and Alfredot, if just because Albite’s movement and eventual death ended up influencing Alfredot’s life up until she ended up freeing Mist, shuttling freed pearls to the pearl enclave on the first colony, and enabling Copper’s revolution.

How has OC been affected by their friendships? They’ve all been influenced by friendships.

How has OC been affected by their family relationships? Twig is the biggest family girl because of her relationships with other Beta gems

How has OC been affected by their romantic relationship(s) or lack thereof? Losing Mist may have made Alfredot bitter and wholly unlikeable to everyone who has to take her exogeology classes, but Mist was sort of the final element to push Alfredot into her revolutionary support role.

Who does OC consider they have learned their most important life lesson from? Albite sort of set up the scaffolding for Alfredot’s life lessons, but Mist pulled her back enough to see that the scaffolding was there all along.

Who motivates OC? So many things motivate Alfredot, but primarily Albite and Mist.

Who would OC do anything for? Look, Alfredot will give everything to have Mist back.

Who would OC do anything to not have to deal with? If Alfredot never has to deal with Blue Diamond again and not also betray the gems she made, she’ll go rogue at a moment’s notice.

How does OC meet most people? Alfredot mostly meets people through work.

How long does it take OC to open up to people? Alfredot? centuries. Sunstone? minutes, but she always keeps Heliodor to herself.

How much do OC’s friends know about their private life? Most of my OCs are very private people, due in large part to living in an oppressive society in which the walls actually have eyes and ears

How does OC act differently after they know someone better? Alfredot gets a lot less forbidding if she approves of someone.

Who is OC’s favorite person? Alfredot was nice to Sunstone and treated her like an equal, so Sunstone looks up to her a lot and this always mystifies Alfredot.

Who is OC’s least favorite person? The amount of hate Alfredot has for Blue Diamond can be measured on galactic scales, but she would never actually acknowledge it.

Is there anyone OC used to be very close to, but no longer is? Star Sapphire actually does know Moonstone, and they were friends once upon a time. But as they are both old on the scale of nearly a million years, they’ve drifted apart.

What aspects of OC have, consciously or unconsciously, come from someone else? Alfredot kinda gets up the courage to do more than just mourn her losses from Mist.

#SU: Beta AU

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bloody-bee-tea · 5 years ago

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POV for the writing meme, if you please!

This is Lan Xichen’s POV from this Inktober for Writers fic and it got slightly longer than I anticipated. Warnings for child abuse and homophobic language.It’s over 1.7k, so there’s a read more.

Lan Xichen iswaiting in the pavilion one of the Sect disciples had led him to, but when hehears the crackling sound of Zidian he quickly leaves.

If theYunmeng Jiang sect is being attacked, he will not just sit idly by.

He followsthe continued crackling around a corner and then time slows down.

It takeshim a second to understand what he is seeing but once the situation trickledin, ice-cold fury spreads through Lan Xichen.

Madame Yu israising her hand, clearly intending to bring down Zidian on her son a secondtime, even though he is already down on one knee and Lan Xichen moves fasterthan he ever has in his life.

He stillhears the gasped, pleading “Don’t” Jiang Cheng brings out between his clenchedteeth and then Zidian is whipping through the air again.

Lan Xichencatches it in his hand, allows the end to wrap around his forearm and then hejust bears it, because no one, no one, is allowed to hurt Jiang Cheng.

Least ofall the woman who calls herself his mother.

“You,” sheyells and tries to yank Zidian back, but Lan Xichen will not give her anotherchance to hurt her son.

Lan Xichensees from the corner of his eyes how Jiang Cheng pushes himself to his feet, unsteadyand stumbling and the fury inside of Lan Xichen only gets colder.

Jiang Chengstumbles close enough to grab the back of Lan Xichen’s robes and even withoutlooking Lan Xichen can feel that he is shaking.

He wants toturn around and gather Jiang Cheng up in his arms, but he doesn’t dare put hisback to Madame Yu, not yet, not when she is still glaring at Jiang Cheng likethat.

“Don’t dothis,” Jiang Cheng whispers, voice shaking almost as much as his hands do andLan Xichen’s heart clenches painfully in his chest.

Lan Xichenthinks back to how relaxed and almost happy Jiang Cheng had always seemed atthe Cloud Recesses, and how small and scared he was right now and decided thenand there, that he would not allow Jiang Cheng to stay here.

And if hehad to steal him away, then so be it.

“JiangCheng is a close personal friend and a trusted ally of our Sect and I will notallow you to treat him like this,” Lan Xichen says coldly and delights in theway Madame Yu’s eyes widen.

She may be knownas a fierce warrior, but Lan Xichen has his own reputation and his youth on hisside. If he has to fight here, and he willif she doesn’t back down, he’s confident that he can win.

Zidian isstill crackling around his wrist, but the pain is bearable at least for now,and he enjoys the way Madame Yu tries to get it back, to no avail.

“‘A closepersonal friend’,” Madame Yu spits out with a scathing look at Jiang Cheng anda new hatred for her forms in Lan Xichen’s gut.

He doesn’tlike what she’s implying, and he certainly doesn’t care for it either.

“Don’t tellme you’re a cut-sleeve like your brother,” she goes on, her gaze now on himagain, and Lan Xichen has to fight to keep the last shreds of his restraintstogether.

There isnothing shameful about being in love with a man, and if she insults his brotheragain, he will show Madame Yu her place.

“And don’tyou think I will allow you to become just as wrong and warped as that bastardis,” Madame Yu hisses at Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen clenches his teeth so hardthere’s a faint cracking noise.

He will notallow Jiang Cheng to stay here even a second longer.

“There isnothing you can allow or deny us,” he presses out, voice forcefully calm and hefinally drops Zidian.

His firstpriority is to get Jiang Cheng out of here now.

He turnsaround to Jiang Cheng, puts his back in a clear sign of dismissal of hertowards Madame Yu and gently takes Jiang Cheng’s hands in his.

“I’m sorry,”Jiang Cheng breathes out, not meeting his eyes and Lan Xichen wants to hug him,wants to keep him close and protect him and love him, if Jiang Cheng will allowthat, but it’s not yet time for that.

He has toget him out of here first.

“Are youokay?” he asks, because Jiang Cheng did take a hit from Zidian that had senthim to his knees.

If JiangCheng is severely wounded, Lan Xichen needs to take care of that first. He’ssurprised to see tears in Jiang Cheng’s eyes, and resists the urge to wipe themaway with his thumb.

“What areyou doing here?” Jiang Cheng asks instead of answering Lan Xichen’s question,and scrubs his hand over his eyes before his tears can fall.

“Pathetic,”Madame Yu says behind Lan Xichen and a shiver runs down Lan Xichen’s back whenhe hears the disgust and disregard in her voice.

If he hadknown that Madame Yu treated Jiang Cheng like this, he would have come to stealhim away years ago.

“I’m hereto see you,” Lan Xichen gently tells him, completely ignoring Madame Yu, andhis heart falls when Jiang Cheng tries to take his hand back.

“You shouldget back to the Cloud Recesses,” Jiang Cheng mumbles and avoids his eyes again.

Lan Xichensees how acutely aware Jiang Cheng still is of Madame Yu behind his back and heshifts a little bit, to bring the focus back on him.

“Yes, weshould,” Lan Xichen says and he can see that it takes Jiang Cheng a momentbefore he realizes what Lan Xichen had said.

“What?”

“You’recoming with me,” Lan Xichen tells him, and curses himself when Jiang Chengshrinks in on himself.

He didn’tmean to make that a command.

“If youwant to, of course,” he adds, and gives Jiang Cheng a small smile to take the commandout of his previous statement.

“He doesn’t,”Madame Yu answers in Jiang Cheng’s stead and Jiang Cheng ducks his head as if thatwould help him escape his mother’s hatred.

Lan Xichenhas never wanted to punch a person in the face as much as he does right now. Heknows his interference will cause an incident, no matter if he takes JiangCheng with him or not, but he remembers Wei Wuxian’s worried look every time hetalks about Jiang Cheng, remembers the cautious way Jiang Cheng walks and talksthe first few days when he comes to the Cloud Recesses and he couldn’t careless.

Let therebe an incident.

When heexplains this to his uncle, he won’t send Jiang Cheng away. They will all bemore than glad to help him protect Jiang Cheng. There is nothing more despicablethan hate and violence when they should love and protect their children.

“JiangCheng,” Lan Xichen softly says and brings Jiang Cheng’s attention back tohimself. “Do you want to come with me?”

Jiang Chengseems lost in thought for a moment, and Lan Xichen patiently waits him out.

“Yes,” hefinally chokes out and the fury inside Lan Xichen finally ebbs a bit, thoughhis heart still breaks at the desperation in Jiang Cheng’s voice. “Please don’tleave me here,” Jiang Cheng goes on and grabs Lan Xichen’s robes again, as ifhe would just walk away if Jiang Cheng let go of him.

As if LanXichen could ever walk away from him.

“I won’t,” LanXichen promises and finally dares to pull him into a hug, presses him into hischest, one arm securely around his waist, mindful of his no doubt tender back.

Jiang Chengpresses himself even closer, buries his face in Lan Xichen’s chest and LanXichen briefly presses his lips to his hair.

“It’s okaynow,” he promises him, because it will be, Lan Xichen will make sure of that,and then gently and regretfully breaks the hug, though he keeps his arm aroundJiang Cheng’s waist. He doesn’t ever want to let him go again.

“Let’s go.Do you need anything?”

Jiang Chenghesitates for a second, and then his hand goes to Sandu in his belt. When hefeels the sword there, he shakes his head. Lan Xichen lets out a relieved breath,because he really doesn’t want to give Madame Yu more opportunity to hurt JiangCheng, be it with actions or words.

“Alrightthen,” Lan Xichen says and steers Jiang Cheng away from Madame Yu, wanting toget a bit of distance between them, before they get on their swords.

The hairson Lan Xichen’s neck stand up, before he even hears the tell-tale whir ofZidian and the fury makes a vengeful comeback.

He hasnever felt that much hate for one single person.

Lan Xichenturns around, deflects Zidian with Shuoyue and then tightens his grip on JiangCheng when he tries to get away from him.

He knowswhat Jiang Cheng is doing, knows he’s just trying to protect Lan Xichen, but hecannot believe that Madame Yu got her claws so deep in Jiang Cheng that hehonestly thinks staying here will be better for everyone.

He pullsJiang Cheng into his side again, not allowing him to move away, and all thewhile he stares Madame Yu down.

He wishesshe would attack again, he almost dares her to, because he’s itching to giveher a taste of her own medicine. But she must see something in his gaze, becauseshe scoffs and finally retracts Zidian.

“Fine. Thentake him. He’s not good for anything, anyway.”

Lan Xichenworks his jaw and he has to take a deep breath before he can even say somethingwith a steady voice.

“And that’swhere you’re wrong,” he tells her and immediately turns away from her.

Lan Xichensees the ashamed look on Jiang Cheng’s face, and he will not allow him to eventhink for a second that Lan Xichen thinks the same about him as Madame Yu. Hepresses a soothing kiss to Jiang Cheng’s temple, wants him to know that thereis nothing Madame Yu can do or say that will ever diminish Jiang Cheng’s worthand then he finally drags him away from this dreadful place.

[Second part]

[No excuses writing meme]

#bt answers #anon #bt writes #xicheng #the untamed #abusive parents #homophobic language #angst #Anonymous

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hecallsmehischild · 5 years ago

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It would be nice if I could do what I want to do without having to untangle the spaghetti that is my brain every time.

I feel like I might be very close to accepting the idea that I may never write an original novel. I had always kept it as a hope in the back of my mind, but sometimes things like that can end up festering into shame the more time passes. It’s been ten years. I think it would be better to let it go in full right now and release myself from that expectation. There is shame partly because it’s the one gift I have that has any shot at wide-spread influence. And I wanted, since I was a kid, to help put the fantasy genre back on the Christian fiction shelves. Well, they turned in that direction without me and are doing a lot better job than they used to. And I can’t sort my theological understanding enough to write a specifically Christian fantasy story without slipping into cliches, sounding like I’m preaching, or opening up questions I’m not prepared to answer in the scope of a fictional story.

I used to be so afraid that burying my talents was a crime, but I have a very narrow view of my talents. I have many, many gifts that affect the small scale. I am making this home a welcoming place to be. I carefully tend the relationship with my husband. I am reaching out to the neighbors and friends with sweets and baked goods. Crafts flow forth from this art room, and many more are given away than I ever sell. Who knows what good is done there? I can hope. I make conversation with our plumber, with neighbors, with friends, with strangers. I’m starting to kick back more reviews into the fanfic community after years of focusing on only my own writing projects. These are all small scale things, but does that make them less worthy? The correct answer is no, but the cowering fear in my heart screams, “Yes!” I fear that if I do not do the one thing that has a chance at widespread influence, then I have failed. Again. And the longer I hold onto even the possibility that I might write a novel, the more the failure rails at me.

I am tired of bearing this war inside me. I am sorry, so sorry, my novel. But I cannot carry you. I cannot keep striving for this out of fear, surely there will be no beauty in such a story. I set you aside. I mourn you. I mourn old dreams of twelve year old me, cradling the hopes of being the youngest published novelist. I mourn the stories I couldn’t bear to tell, for fear I would not tell them well enough. May these concepts be seeded into minds less fearful than mine, and hands more steady on the keyboard.

And I am still afraid and wounded by what happened with that person last year. I sink into paranoid imaginings sometimes, picturing what would happen if they showed up or if they send a package. It’s almost a year. Anniversaries were very important to this person, and their birthday is the day after mine. Our birthdays last year, that’s when it all fell apart. I have never had a more wretched birthday than I did last year, when I finally hit 30. My walls are thicker, and I am more prone to cut ties and say “no” than I used to be, even in the face of genuine need. I cannot tell what is and what is not genuine need and I cannot simply trust like that anymore.

My thoughts are so scrambled on this topic, all over the place. I wonder, now, as I never used to, how much giving is too much giving? I still love to give, have even planned out appreciation of friends in special ways recently and in times to come. Since last year, excepting people I’ve known for years and have solid rapport with, I've responded poorly to requests made of me, with my heart throwing up the walls and drawing the bridge up in a panic. I’m not who I was in many respects. I remember loudly declaring, in 2016, that I was an ambulance. So naive. So foolish. Doctor, heal thyself. I cannot bear the weight.

Am I stronger? In some ways, much stronger and healthier, but it only takes a moment for that strength to flip into utter fragility and I can FEEL when it happens. There are many instances where I simply cannot bear further weight laid on those parts of my heart. In some cases, I can, but in some I cannot and do I need to say that, then? Do I need to say, “I am no longer a safe person to come to,” or “I will tell you if I can’t help you,” or “You need to find someone who isn’t broken along these same lines, I have nothing left in this area for you,” ... or... what? I don’t even know. I thought it was my duty to do this. To sit with people in their pain, in the dark, shouldering all they choose to tell me. But every time a meme saying something like “I will sit with you through thick and thin,” or “true friends are the ones that are there for you through all the hard times,” comes along, it’s all I can do not to jump in, adding something supremely unhelpful like, “No. I. Can’t. Yes, there are limits, even if you’re on a bridge there are limits to what I can do for you.” At this point, there are even limits on things I WANT to do in that situation. If I’m to be soul-bloody honest, I never want to talk another person off a bridge or ledge again. Not because I want them dead, but because that part of me broke and I don’t think it will ever recover.

God, will I ever stop wondering whether she was even really on the bridges she claimed to be on? I want to let go. I want to let go, the memories and questions strangle me and I will never have answers. I want to let go to the point where she could walk up to me in person, and I would politely, civilly excuse myself from her company. Maybe even be able to wish her well, but hold firm not to engage ever again. I want that sort of freedom. Some days I am still so, so bound by what happened. I am tired.

And I am even tired of writing fanfiction. I think that this is a specific type of writing tiredness, as in, I am tired of sustaining a complex plot over multiple fics. Long sagas. I have three, now. Three super long sagas in two fandoms (each between 100-300k words total). I think, if I can get myself through Laughter Lines, there’s a very good chance I will go dark for a while on the fanfiction front. Oneshots sound nice. Oneshots from time to time, and maybe then I can finally focus on the re-editing larger projects. I think I would like that. But I feel like I have to drag myself through Laughter Lines first, and I want to make sure it’s good. I may be slogging through on my end of things, but I don’t want the reader to be slogging along, upset that the story hasn’t delivered what it promised. I have to pull it together and deliver a satisfactory ending to this. I know approximately how it’s going to happen, I just need the right sequence of words.

I’m just tired. And sad. Been that way for a few days. I feel like I shouldn’t have to unwind the spaghetti in my brain, but the longer I put off doing it, the sadder I get. So, here’s an effort to put into words some of the melancholy that has taken hold of me. Maybe putting it into words will free up my brain to focus where I want it to focus. Hoping this will pass soon.

#rlchild #mental organization #tw suicide mentions #not me but talking about situations where suicide came up a lot #wrestling with God #writing

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ofthemuses · 6 years ago

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Area 11 Sentence Meme; from all their released albums

All the Lights In The Sky (2013)

i. vectors

One day I will find you I saw that you were lonely too You reached out and you took me I repressed that time Everything that I forgot, I see it clearly can’t you see that you’re losing your mind A shot to the head leaves it all behind I’ll tear you apart Reach out your hands to catch me reach out your hands and you tear me apart But we are simply killing time I wish I’d see inside your mind I wish I’d seen inside you Almost the same, but not enough Never forgiven, but still in love

ii. euhpemia

Memories of fallen dreams and all those that have died. Demons are possessing me. I feel my hate take flight. I'm choking on my own words and I'm scared of backing down the hope within us all is up in flames Twisted by my warring conscience. The situation's pushing onwards. This can't be, was this me? I think I've lost control. I caused this, I forced this, Can I continue on? I caused this, I forced this, I caused this! Betrayed by trust, forever left to scream. Oh hold me closely and die in my arms, then take this secret with you. I became your puppet master This could fuel The Revolution! This could be my last solution! And all good victories come with a price. Just take my secret with you.

iii. knightmare / frame

What is life but a burden for me? All this anger, burning inside but buried deep One step forward and two to the side, every single time I fall asleep and I feel I'm falling Nightmare comes without warning I can't seem to sleep In my dreams I feel I'm running towards her/his shining light She/he shines for me Just like glass I saw right through Something I couldn't see until I changed my point of view I cannot let you go inside of me, the will to change the world Can a mask be the face of reason? You will answer, to the pieces left behind Well I watched her/him die in your arms Freed but they'll never understand

iv. tokyo house party

I know that this will never work out So it shouldn't even start Cause I'm just a kid at heart And you know that it's such a waste Cause I hate that bitter taste and your bittersweet embrace I feel this has gone to my head I'll never drink again But fuck it, I don't care I don't know what you came here for This is where we are from (The town where nothing goes on) Waiting for our own special moment to die I got lost to find myself I wanna be with you tonight Cause everything's gone; it's been wiped out I feel a change in the pace I know I should run and I should fight But the look in your eyes: I could die here tonight Fear of failure, we're moving so slow

v. shi no barado

I saw your face in the LED's It's something that I can never repay, but I will try anyway. I sent a message I know you'd see Now fate led you down a path to me You're all I ever wanted you can use me, you can kill me My body will be a fortress I will keep you safe from pain My losses are your gains Together we can burn this to the ground, rebuild it into something right I'm not afraid and I'm not alone because you're with me in my dreams I won't give up on this perfect love

vi. cassandra pt. 2

Although it doesn't really matter now You use me, and I use you I'm your savior, you're my muse The best friend that you been to me but I wanna be your enemy You want a reaction You wear a red dress when you're in a bullfight You're drawing attention to your double life In dreams, I'm coming to find you and when I wake I want anyone else. 'Cause I don't love you, It's what I'm telling myself I’m hiding from you, ‘cause we are the same Wait, just wait for me and I'll come around My best friend that I've never seen That's turned you into my enemy No, it's all in my mind I feel I should save myself before this gets too real

vii. the strays

I'd still cheer for you ten years down the line Time stepped away from me Stray from this boring dream What must it be like with your world alight? How could I stay here and rust when I'm set to explode? You can outrun everything but the debts that you owe I'm numb from the distance If it's just the bored asking this kind of thing, where do we fit in? Take what you want from it We're the last ones left Get the others and cut to the next Scene To be truly free Freedom comes not from, but through me Do you remember when the stars were much higher? You would try to count them all But you grew tired - tired - tired

viii. dreams & reality

Dreams... are realities. You mean so much to me I can't forget the way, the choice that we made that day. Is it worth the risk that we take? Waiting and hoping from the side-lines But this is our moment, it's our chance to shine. 'Cause this feels better than the best thing 'Cause we are stronger than anything We've grown from all the things we've been through, And they couldn't break us if they wanted to. Your smile is brighter than the lights in the skies wont you tell me what is real? Lets write our names in history, Let's make these dreams reality,

ix. heaven-piercing giga drill

you came and dug me up into a world full of violence. So many faces, so many trials. They won't stop our evolution. Who do you think we are? Fight against your execution. Trust me and we'll fly, not fall. Tip the balance to risk it all. Together we can go so far. All the lights in the sky are stars. It follows everywhere I go. It carries the hope of humanity, and everything we know. Believe in me, who believes in you.

x. bōsōzoku symphonic

There's three parts to love, or so I believe. There's a part of you you lose, and another you receive. Here I break with the concept, though it's central to the piece. Leave my mark on the canvas, that only you can see. I deferred my happiness, for loneliness and time. But once I'm where I wanna be, you'll be far behind. And the chains that pull me down, slacken off when you're around. And it's comforting to know I'll rip out all the hooks from my skin so I can grow. Sometimes I disagreed, just to hear you scream. You were right, but I needed you to give emotion back to me. I'm not leaving you, I'm not leaving you!

Underline (2014)

i. are you listening?

All aboard this sinking ship No business here it's just relationships Should this mean more to me? Just join the tribe and feel accepted But cool don't come for free The rope that pulled me from the pit now hangs around my neck Is this the clue you wanted? Too cryptic for the rest Play the part of the victim if it puts your mind at ease Put all the blame on me So what you feel, is it nostalgia or love? Tell me now, are you really listening? When everybody tells you to stop, and that you’re never good enough; tell me now, are you really listening? Reach out for help, and she lets you down So gild your pockets, we'll watch you drown Cause this means more to me It's hard when all I see Now we take control We fade into hindsight Can this be realized?

ii. in the blind

I redesign, I realign. I redefine, and yet resign. My only hope: to feel. And when I phased out the "privileged" and the "purpose" I realized that art can never true be separated That should define who I will never be. Sorry. Cause this is the new way Still spinning cycles in my mind Hold me back and keep me down! Drop the weights, accept my fate, and trigger the explosion. Now keep the faith as illusions break and we'll show you something real. And when I reach out into event horizons will there be light and sound, or will it be just me?

iii. override (a)

Willing and wishing to break This won't be over so soon You'll claw yourself out of the womb Are you willing to die? To be born in the spotlight? I won't let you drown Are you willing to die? To be something? We patiently wait your return Rejecting your pitiful life You'll crawl on your hands and your knees You'll feast on the fear you receive And here in the alter you'll give your life for a reason to live Are you ready to die? Are you ready to die? To be more than they say you are? You'll be a mistake The child of the void and the ghost in the tape Can the ego you've sculpted endure the escape? I am willing tonight. I am willing to die to be something; trigger the override

Modern Synthesis (2016)

i. override [C]

Lay the new foundations; reprise Strange are the things that will come around Return to the question, I'm willing to die If this is real and this is anticipation Know it in your mind, hear it once and now you bear the load Are you ready for life? Make a stand in afterglow

ii. the contract

You’ve spent a lifetime locked in the same mindset You break the contract, and smile away your debt I play for closure, through the fear and the thrill of the fight Move a little bit closer, ‘cause you’re in for a jagged night I close my eyes; a toxic calling Just let it resonate, we call it suffering We know just who to trust this time I want you to give me what I need Lay waste to your beliefs, rebuild yourself for me I want you to come alive again I feign obsession, and abbreviate my views You're my possession, until I'm done with you I want you to feel as I feel I want you; submit yourself to me Your body and your mind; give it willingly Just sign the contract

iii. watchmaker

Serve or break the patterns that would be Middle child of eternity The creeping vines of anomie I never wanted to believe I never asked if I could stay Switch the pressures you relieve Sketching parallels to understand why I can't share your love I’m only building what I meant to do so many lives ago

iv. versus

I dream of it; am I a psycho? Watching you burn nothing else feels this perfect to me “Hands in the air”; salute or surrender? We adapt, mutilate, replicate and survive But choose a side The truth, the war; the rise, the fall The virus in our heads that infects us all Do you need it once more? Can you remember what it is we’re dying for? (Fighting for?) Little soldier, little girl/boy who used to love this fucking world To love, to despise: such a fine line The hardest strikes always land when hands are tied The virus in our heads infects, manipulates our thoughts

v. processor

I took a chance to fly I want no role in your altercation I feel panic arise as rhetoric voices are feeding back again Blocking out vitriolic accusations: Was I listening? Because I want to be better on the inside I want to be better on the outside I fall asleep in the vestige I once called my home I pray for you, abide with the hopeless Regretting the choice but I can't turn away The modern synthesis compels me to start again I will have my way, I told you, I told you, I told you As I dispersonalise I taste a real life far from the pacifist you believe I exemplify I am the fury, I am hypocrisy The day I take control. The day you'll believe in me The path back home, the path I'll show you The path back home, where you'll wait for me, wait for me

vi. red queen

I said I don't mind, but you've touched a nerve The way you frame it, well, I got all I deserved Breathe deep and comfort the disturbed In the cave you fear what would you find? We played our hands together You lose me in your blood chemistry So we'd better try to match her/his speed Toast to the red queen/king and all she has seen Is it time to drink at your table? We can only wait and watch for so long Where you fall is not where you belong Unify behind false enemies Down other lines we would have been the same Beauty fades but still my charm deceives This night is shared and so we use each other ‘cause misery loves company And so it goes again A wasted day to vie for my affection Soon you'll come undone Can't fake a smile so they draw it on

vii. angel lust

how far did you deviate? The bridge collapsed but you took the stone From the ash an altar raised, you rebuilt your home And cynics they will try to tempt and change our minds We'll keep our faith alive, we'll raise our voices And scream it from our hearts: God loves her/his children we wait to receive a sign and the scraps of truth of what we believe The passion, the pain, our bodies ache, we cry your name

viii. the life of a ghost

Living the life of a ghost, there is no comfort for the mind Some sights we've tried to leave behind Always looking backwards down the road I will retain composure Lost in thoughts of where I am Stay 'til dawn, begin anew? With all honesty I want to be selfless To be human, but I'm beat and I'm worn-though I'm lost tonight I'm an ember, will you take my story? Pull back the curtain and walk towards the truth There is no comfort for the mind

ix. after the flags

Come on son do your country proud! Lead us down to the ocean and wash our hands of campaigns for the self-assured now Fading white in surrender and weary from the beating sun that blinds you Take a hit for catharsis Take a hit for them all After the flags they're selling off the wall I wanna die for a reason I wanna kill for a cause The fall won't kill but it's gonna hurt do you watch just to wince at this? we have been misled Straighten out your fiction As means to ends and ends to meaning guide you After the flags I'm nobody at all If I could reach you with reason You set us up for a fall After the flags you're nobody at all

x. nebula

This is my suffering, stuttering the words As all I can see is you Hey there you lost boy/girl, just look at what they've done to you They've poisoned the well of your mind but you'll make it through I'm falling to the call of you To love just an action, we overplay and overdo But now, there's no one beside me They've fallen behind

xi. panacea and the prelogue

Wait inside we'll talk a while I didn't mean to let the years go by Have we come to terms with the lesson that our fathers learned? Everything goes away I'd follow you, but not this time I'm sorry that I let you down, let you down, a lifetime ago I wanna say to all I leave behind, and to those I'll never find. That I need you to understand, understand, you're not on your own. What you value, is it worth the time? The only melodies that I could ever call mine were friendship and lust Will I feel absolved at the moment when we have it solved? Still it's never enough Lines fade out, but you illuminate the path back home, the path you've shown me

all your friends / new magiks / everybody gets a piece (2018)

i. all your friends

Habits tend to crystallize Did you waste it in the dark? Why were you sure it was real? you let all your friends tell you how to feel The archetypes; the ideal will soon embrace you when you let yourself heal Who are we to cauterise bleeding hearts that synchronise? Did he/she waste you in the dark? Choose your friends just to canonize you, as you let them fantasize

ii. new magiks

I'm watching the mirror crack to face my addiction This all feels a little strange, (A life fearing fiction) I better step outside It's all fine, from the shoreline The weight crushing down my heart, you don't want it, you don't wanna know A head full of dying stars, the shoulders that bear the load The wave crashes down on my heart You don't wanna know My mind's a rogue nation Just look how we weaponise carnal accusation It's all fine, a drop in the skyline Make it hurt Percolate emotion Boys/Girls lost to the ocean drown You were the bright newcomer I fucked you up that summer I didn't know, you let me know my mind is loaded

iii. everybody gets a piece

In time you'll grow, I fucking hope I'm outside looking in at all the time we're putting in Think I know what it means I won't say the right things just to open doors Don't waste your time in the studio I've been told to beg, steal and borrow I'm told it's not the way to go Nobody listens to the radio Everybody gets a piece Did you honestly say it might have been me? But all this while did you think of me, you know All this while, we were pure potential energy, dreaming Don't ask, you'll never get You never asked so you never got nothing Did you get all you wanted from me? You don't ask so you'll never receive Can't lose when you're playing for free

#sentence meme #long post #area 11 #inbox meme #roleplay meme #ask meme #askbox meme

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gooseghoul · 6 years ago

Note

make me dream bud, for the ask meme: Snape, Lupin and Lucius !

put 3 characters in my inbox and I’ll tell you who I’d slow burn/fake date/enemies to lovers with

thank you bud

Snape, Lupin and Lucius

putting this under a cut bc i accidentally wrote 3 feature length films of self insert fanfic.

honestly, lads, skip to the end for lucius. it’s the highlight of this post.

slow burn: snape.

so, it’s not that we’re not friends at school. bc we’d talk in potions (or, I’d talk and he’d glare), we’d trade transfiguration notes (he hated that I wrote everything mcgonagall said down), and he’d best me in defence (the only time I’d ever seen him smile). we weren’t friends, but we weren’t not not friends.

he went off the deep end his last two years in school. i’d still speak to him but didn’t seek him out. slytherin pride and all that. gotta stick together. gotta not get murdered by the dark lord.

he wasn’t the type to keep in touch post hogwarts. but with where he was headed in life, the most i was hoping for was that he’d have a “meh” opinion of me. so, if he was ever tasked with murdering me, he’d at least be somewhat quick about it.

the war ends and I run into him. he’s a mess. full mourning dress, looking a little bit queen victoria, absolutely brooding. don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate brooding. but man, sometimes you just need to pull yourself together. we’re not friends exactly. but he sees that i still see him as the angsty kid i went to school with and not the death eater he became. most other people have tainted views of him. i knew too much of his anger, too much of his teenage fear and hate to despise him. i’d seen him laugh in the common room with mulciber, in the courtyard with the girl whose death ended the war. i’d seen him that one christmas i’d stayed at hogwarts. seen him with no presents under the tree. a stocking empty.

how could i hate a kid i’d seen come to school with at the start of term bruises on his arms? i hated what he’d become, the direction he turned to, but as a slytherin i knew he had little choice. he didn’t have the means to say no. not that i’m sure he’d have wanted to. the boy was a bastard at times, cold and malicious, but he wasn’t evil. he didn’t have the heart to be evil.

he owled me every month from hogwarts. then, after a year, every fortnight. then every week. then every other day.

the month harry potter came to hogwarts i received no owls. no frantic floo calls. nothing but radio silence.

then he showed up at my doorstep unannounced, fire whiskey in hand, ranting about how the boy was just like his father. it was awful to listen to, but listen i did. because snape had been through this before: the torment at potter’s hands (although this time unintentional, possibly imagined), the need to fight back, to be drawn into something bigger. the cycle has begun again.

snape was cruel. ugly. an awful, vindictive man.

but i couldn’t shake that christmas morning from my mind. i couldn’t shake the sound of his laugh.

i’d see him in person more often. whenever he had a free weekend he’d floo in. mostly he complained about potter, but i tried to drag him away from that topic after a few weeks of nothing but anger. potions was a good bet, but even that devolved into how incompetent potter war.

so i put a “potter” jar on my mantelpiece and made snape pay a knut every time he even thought about the kid. after two weeks, the jar was half full and snape started insisting we meet in hogsmeade instead. neutral territory. easier for him. as far away from that damn jar as possible. but the point had been made. potter was mentioned no more.

i didn’t see him when the mark burnt black on his skin. not for a good week. then snape was tumbling into my hallway numb from the torment. in all the time i’d known him, he’d never been so quiet.

i lead him to my bed and he fell asleep there. i took the sofa. it was the first time he’d stayed the night. it wasn’t the last.

it was weird how it progressed. how it went from cups of tea wordlessly granted, to stolen looks, fingers lingering too long, touches that weren’t there before. he didn’t like me like that. didn’t love me like how he’d loved that girl from before. i knew that in my heart. knew i’d always be second best. knew he didn’t truly have it in him.

but i was there and one touch led to another. one barking laugh at something i’d read in the paper. one christmas morning spent away from the castle. one fire whiskey too many.

a year and a half of normal. of the something between us being more than friendship and slightly less than love.

then the end of harry potter’s sixth year. the end of dumbledore’s tenure. i couldn’t look at him. couldn’t speak to him. couldn’t touch him.

that last year I wish I could live again. my family and I were safe. though we weren’t death eaters we were purebloods, slytherins, good people who’d never gone out of our way to say anything about muggles. snape wasn’t part of that year. was part of that awful regime.

I regret it. now that Potter’s story came out. now that the truth of Severus Snape had reverberated throughout the wizarding world. even i, one of the people closest to him, who had known and loved him the longest out of all, had believed him a monster. but snape was dead. gone. and he had died for love. so confusing a concept that at times i didn’t think him capable of it.

(but the way he’d talked of potter. how he ranted and raved – that was love, wasn’t it? love of the mother, hatred of the son.)

he was dead but not completely. i see him there, in the flash of a student’s cloak; black like the mourning robes he never shed. there, in the biting remark spun in the air over a pint at the bar. and there, in the ugly sun which rises now over the wizarding world. it is a world not free from hate nor vitriol, but one recovering from a war which would have been fateless without him.

fake date: lupin. sirius black cannot stand anything slytherin. to him, understandably, slytherin is the epitome of all that is wrong with the world. certainly all that is wrong with hogwarts. sirius black hates the fact that lupin is on civil terms with me and actually kind of friends. we sit together in potions. while we’re not the best students, slughorn thinks we work well together and refuses to separate us.

so, The Prank has just happened. I’ve no idea what went on, but that weird Snape kid in my year looks shaken up. Sirius Black looks actively guilty. And Remus Lupin is angry. I don’t think I’ve seen Lupin angry in my life. Lupin is so angry he misses our study group, and almost puts the flobberworm mucus in the potion too early. but he doesn’t care that the potions could have gone horrifically wrong.

a week later he finally comes to the library. i ask him what’s wrong but he doesn’t say anything. eventually he hisses, “Black did something stupid. so fucking stupid. he doesn’t even see what he did wrong.”

he’s calling Sirius ‘Black’. Sirius Black is never anything but Sirius.

“I hate him. I’m never speaking to him again. I wish I could just— I wish I could show him how awful— do something that would make him see—”

he looks at me, a gleam in his eyes. “M. you’re a slytherin.”“er”“You’re a pureblood.”“eeeerrr”his eyes are beginning to look a bit manic. “you’re friends with snape”“friends is a strong word for knowing the kid’s name.”

“M. I need you to know that I mean this completely platonically. But I trust you and I think this could work. Will you be my girlfriend?”

platonic? girlfriend? “remus, you know—“

“sirius hates everything about you.” (thanks bud). “not you specifically. but everything you embody. pureblood. blood supremacy. voldemort”

“okay, listen, mate. just because I’m slytherin doesn’t mean I’m up for maiming some muggles.”

“no. but sirius thinks you are. he thinks you’re all the same.”

I think of regulus in the years below, and how, yeah regulus is a blood supremacist like most of us. but he’s not that.

“right. i don’t see what this has to do with platonic dating.”

“It’ll show Sirius how much he’s hurt me. that I’ve turned to you out of all my friends. that he didn’t even know I’d been thinking of you.”

so, Lupin is great. but also sometimes, just sometimes, he’s a bit of a dick. but you know what, if remus lupin wants to date you you do not say no. even if it’s platonic, strictly revenge dating. even if you think that maybe lupin should just talk through his feelings (his weirdly passionate feelings) with Sirius.

“fine. let’s do it.”

Sirius Black is pissed off. we start off small. walking to classes together. stopping by the gryffindor table to say hi to Lupin. we even let ourselves be caught holding hands in the corridor. how scandalous.

the slytherins corner me and ask what the fuck i’m doing with a gryffindor. so i tell them: I’m doing this to bring the blood traitor Sirius Black down a peg. I want to destroy him. Snape doesn’t look at me anymore. but honestly, his impact on my life was so little that I’d barely notice had one of the Black girls not pointed it out.

we’re in the corridor one day before lupin’s prefect patrol. stood by the gryffindor common room just talking while lupin waits for his partner (lily?) to arrive. lupin’s holding my hand, thumb running over my knuckles absent mindedly. no-one’s around, but you have to put the effort in, right? you have to believe what you’re doing to act it well, right?

“bear with me” lupin says looking behind me. and kisses me.

it’s weird. but maybe…. M, maybe you’re not as gay as you thought you were.

there’s a horrified sound behind you. a hissed word and a door (portrait?) slamming shut. but all that exists in the world is remus lupin.

he pulls away after a moment. utters a single word fuck before kissing me again.

after hogwarts we marry and have 15000000000 cats and my family is super rich so that skinny boy never has to starve again and we build a werewolf bunker under our country estate and all is well. (until his two best friends are murdered and their child survives them but grows up abused and not know who he is but y’know we can gloss over that part.)

enemies to lovers: lucius.

i was a couple years above draco at school. the malfoys hated my family as we were both slytherins and blood traitors (lmao at me pretending i am in anyway a pureblood). post war the malfoys are trying to redeem themselves. draco and i go to the same university (st andrews school of magic), we run into each other in the classics dep and start talking. we become slow friends and i stay at his house over summer. his mum’s house, bc lucius and narcissa divorced post-war.

lucius is there one day, sees me, spits some vitriol and storms out. there’s a number of awful meetings with lucius, but draco isn’t willing to put his parent’s desires above his own anymore. bc he is not his parents. turns out, lucius resents me bc my family and i were good slytherins, so we didn’t get fucked over post-war. lucius and i have a number of mr darcy / elizabeth bennett style arguments with draco bashing his head against the table.

the next summer, i spend a couple weeks with draco at his dad’s place. there, lucius reveals he’s not a complete cock and is actually trying to repent but doesn’t know how. i’m kind of like, hey, so maybe this guy isn’t as bad as he seems. hey, draco, your dad’s kind of cool once you get past the whole being a death eater thing. slowly lucius starts spending more time around the house when draco, me and our friends are there. lucius starts talking to me like i’m a human being and not a rat.

hey, draco, you know your dad has great hair right? you know he’s actually kind of handsome if we ignore how stress has aged him. hey, draco —

cue a scene straight from clueless. one of lucius malfoy’s albino peacocks (because he smuggled some out from the manor during the divorce) walks behind me, a fountain suddenly starts spouting water.

“oh my god, draco. i’m in love with your dad.”

…

draco says, “no fucking shit you doorknob”

i don’t do anything bc lucius is a dick. he’s always been a dick. i’ve hated his family since before i could talk. he’s hated mine since before i was born. but he’s also….. kind of a dilf? draco thinks the whole thing is really weird, but also he’d rather me than some of the people who’ve been trying to court lucius. so like, he starts trying to hint at a possible relationship.

hint is a strong word.

“hey, dad, M would be a great step mum right?” “hey, dad, doesn’t M look like she could do with a sugar daddy to help her off her feet. if only we knew someone who had a lot of money.” “oh, hey, dad. don’t we have lots of money?” “hey, dad, i can’t be her sugar daddy bc I’m too young. the laws of sugar daddies disallow any relationship between us. if only there were another single man in this family with access to our fortune.”

meanwhile, the malfoy’s most recent house elf is trying to bash draco’s head against the table.

i get invited to the malfoy’s christmas party. i’m working on my postgrad and draco has just finished his first semester of honours.

there’s mistletoe. lucius is standing next to me. but there’s mistletoe. at the christmas party. at the christmas party where lucius is standing next to me. under the mistletoe.

we kiss. really awkwardly bc i’m about 5 gin and tonics into the night but also really eager. bc shit son. shit son. this universe’s M is str8 as heck for the absolute daddy that is Lucius Malfoy.(draco is head bridesmaid at our wedding. a single albino peacock is best man. it is a beautiful, if not visually confusing, affair.)

#i told myself i'd never write self insert fanfic again but here i am #and you know what? i liked writing self insert fanfic #i wrote the lupin and snape ones through an abdominal and head migraine #honestly skip ahead to the absolute blast that is lucius malfoy #thank you so much for this this made my evening so much more fun #the lupin one is meh but tbh we're all living for luscious lucius #hc #lupin #snape #lucius #fic #shitpost #relative shitpost #i can write better than this i swear #ask #thepotionsapprentice #ask meme

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thejunkelemental · 5 years ago

Text

Connecting to Fears

I know you no longer wear the ring. Do you still wear the bracelet? Over ten years ago it was tied around my wrist at a camp I looked forward to every year. I gave it once to Liz and then to you. Before the ring it was my heart, a totem I had worn for as long as I had worn any totem and gifted to the person who held my heart so close. Did you remove it? The necklace with your opal? Its curious, we sometimes tie up such emotions in items. They hold memories like tiny capsules and to hold them summons the mists of reverie back. For me, this cottage is an item. It contains all the memories of our first year of marriage. The passenger seat in my car soaked you in. When I drive I remember singing with you, driving to look at houses in Broadripple, heading to Flix Brewhouse. The blankets we wrapped around each other, made into a fort...the bed I cannot return to. I try to connect the fear that sparks in me to memories...where the anxiety comes from. Why it is that my brain manufactures images of you laying beneath the covers with someone else, drifting off peacefully with other arms around you...imagining the things others might say to drive you farther away from me. I think. These thoughts come from a place of morose catastrophe, made worse by the shattered relationships that collapsed all together in the last week or so. I know they’re phantoms, conjured mind junk that combine hyper vigilance with escalating magnitude to create scenarios I can’t exactly disprove but hurt me to think about. It’s nothing you’ve done and just mind poison from me. Because I am always the one to reach out, to talk, to write, to call, to ask to see you...sometimes the words you say are too easy to feel like placation...being kind to me because you feel sorry for me. Not that I think they are, but they feel like that. They twist in my brain like that. Not through any fault of your own or anything you’ve done...and I want to make it clear that I am not accusing you of anything or upset at you for my own brain distortions. Words of affirmation were never the strongest love language for me. People say things all the time that they don’t mean. They make promises they never keep. I’ve had so many people I have trusted break that trust that the words just don’t feel the same anymore... Actions mean the most to me. Kept promises. Followed through actions. When the words are written on the acts performed after. I know I am not the person you feel most comfortable talking about your problems or maybe even chatting with. I know you likely send a lot of people memes and such which may account for a lot of your messaging, when I was never much a memester. I’ve been so wrapped up in loss and pain that we haven’t had much of a normal conversation without touching on the pain I’m creeping through and the assurances you make me that my fears are not always truths. I got back and re-read these messages and try to imagine them in your voice. Try not to read into them...but there is a lot of fear. Perhaps the greatest pain of our separation was the broken promise. That it took a single week to break a pinky swear promise. I know that we could not have known what that week would bring, but when we sat down beside your parents’ fire to talk about the Imago...I told you how important it was that we close our exits to really try and make it work. That I had put myself into personal therapy as well to show you I was committed to learning how to better see you, hear you, and resolve our incompatibilities into a healthier and happier relationship. That this was the most important relationship in my life and I was dedicated to being part of your peace, rather than its undoing. And on Sunday I destroyed it. It felt so fragile then. I was so afraid to honestly express my feelings because I thought I would get punished for them. That by voicing my fears and pains that you would decide I wasn’t worth it and abandon me. I want you to imagine how that felt, then. To sit with you on Sunday and voice those fears and to be abandoned the very next day. I know, for you, it was a moment of revelation that nothing could work again. But for me it was a moment of vulnerability I wanted to trust you with. The Monday before we sat in therapy and you told me that if I communicated with you honestly about my fears that you would not abandon me. That you would not turn around and leave me. And then you did. I did what I was most afraid of because you asked me to trust you in that room. You held me and asked me to trust you. And then I finally revealed the pain in my heart and my confusion and fear...and you took it for me trying to push your decision too early and decided therapy was no longer worth the work. The work was no longer worth it. I think, in a number of ways, that terror is still inside me. That’s why I freak out every time I tell you something I am afraid you might dislike. Why I think your silences are yawning mouths taking in a breath before telling me you’re done with me. I want so much to trust you with my honesty and hope you will want to trust me with yours as well...but I am always so afraid that I will court your disdain and be let go again. I keep waiting and hoping I see any sign from you that you miss me outside your words. That you will come to see me, that you will call. I saw it once...when you texted me four times after I was quiet for a time. But even my very dark post that scared you...you didn’t call me to check if I was ok. You texted. You didn’t come to see if I was ok. Not that I was baiting that or looking for it (because I didn’t think you read this), but afterward it reminded me that I’m the one who lays awake at night trying to sleep without you. That I’m the one who checks my phone to see if you’ve texted or tried to call...who feels small bits of joy when I see your facebook posts on your wall. That I don’t know where you live...you haven’t trusted me with that. In my mind it equates to me missing you more than you miss me which makes me feel like a barnacle. A creature that digs into your hull and cracks the surface of your skin, seeking safety and sustenance as you try to move on through the heavy and dark sea. I feel like a parasite because of the two of us, I feel I miss your presence in my life the most. I would give anything to hold you again, hug you again, laugh with you. I dissect my past conversations and try to apply what you ask me to. I try to trust your words over the deafening screaming of my insecurities. I try to write the thoughts that unwind my peace so I can control them. And still I end up reading into nonsense. You wrote to your friend that your heart breaks for my pain. I feel like a wound in the fabric of your life...that my suffering is all that keeps you pitying me and interested. I cannot sense your love, your care, your desire to be around me beneath the concern you have about my mental state. It feels like the only reason you speak to me is because you worry for me. After all, we never really talk about whats on your mind all that much...what you struggle with, what you worry about...the places you’ve been weak. We’ve never talked about what you felt you did wrong in the relationship, but there is almost a novella on what I know I’ve done wrong. I feel so much like the skin a lizard shed, interesting to look at but ultimately a vestige of a past you’ve grown beyond. I wrestle with these thoughts of inadequacy because of all the progress we’ve made talking to each other...it is me who asks for more. Talking on the phone. Maybe a hug sometime. Writing letters. I ask and ask and ask. And most of the time I am not answered...and who could blame you? The diatribes and paragraphs are endless, long and droning. I wrap my requests and fears with so much other language because I am so afraid of it being rejected out of hand or driving you away. I do not want to be afraid. The fear is from events we experienced together and mostly from the baggage I carried. I don’t want to be afraid of being rejected by speaking honesty and truth but I fear that from almost everyone in my life. You especially. All your time and kindness have meant so very much to me. The times you seem interested in connecting with me, letting me in on your life, trusting me...they mean so much to my tired, sad little heart. Can you feel my heart in the bracelet? Do you wear it still? Or in biscuit bear or window shark? I am so weary of being afraid and so unable to break the cycle of fear. I want you to show me that you miss me too...that you want to connect. I want them to not be words but actions. I want to ask that...but I am terrified of rejection. And last night? Last night I remembered all the times I took care of you when you were sick. How happy I was to care for you and make you happy when you were ill and how much it ached that I could not be there for you now. My brave love, dealing with sickness all on her own. A strange new place. I wish I could be there. I wish we could be there. I so desperately want to understand and see you better...hear you better. Fool as I am. I still wear the ring. I still twist it at night when I am scared or anxious. It helps me think of you and sometimes it almost feels like you’re nearby. Some night, when you lay in bed about to sleep. Would you call me to say goodnight like you used to? If it occurs to you. It always made me so happy. And as usual, if you do read this, I am sorry if you take offense to anything I’ve said. I want to be honest with you and myself as I wrestle with my darkness and try to learn from it. Thank you so much for your understanding and engagement with me. I want to feel your love...whatever capacity it still exists in. Thank you. For everything.

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lyriumpulse · 5 years ago

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Childhood meme. (I am on my phone)

a childhood memory ! | accepting

On any other day, Leto would have loved the opportunity for a bath – especially when he had only just returned from difficult, grueling work. Other boys in his position are fond (overfond, he would say) of staying in the sun or in their master’s dining halls, doting on masters who did not even bother remembering their names. Leto has never seen an advantage to that. Other slaves think him mad for what he’s doing, speak of him even when he is not present. Lounging around with them as though they were friends would send the wrong message.

His only purpose is to make it to the end of the tournament alive. He mustn’t distract himself by fraternizing with those who may want to sabotage him.

Each surviving warrior is bathed and tended to after each round by his (or her, Leto has seen a shocking number of women competing for this) fellow slaves. They gather in one of the squat bath houses and allow people like them, people who were once their equals, to lavish them in the perfumed waters of their betters. On any other day, Leto would delight in such treatment, but today he politely turns them away, all but one. She is a beautiful thing, younger than Leto though he cannot tell by how many years, and she trembles when she combs out the long dark tangles of his hair.

Anna, he believes is her name. A plain name for a plain girl that he will likely never see again.

It feels wrong to him today, indulging in something that Marcellus can no longer do. It feels blasphemous somehow. Leto almost could not bear the walk into the baths, save that remaining in the bunks and listening to Marcellus’s ever-fainter cries was far worse.

Oh, what a misery. When he’d first returned to his temporary sleeping chambers only yesterday, his fellow competitor’s screams of agony were so unbearable that no one could sleep. Now, of course, everyone would get a full night’s rest – but only on account of the stillness overtaking Marcellus’s body. The boy can no longer walk, and such vital tasks as eating and breathing, last Leto checked, were becoming increasingly beyond his capabilities. Leto tells himself that this is for the best, and that Marcellus was the one who made this bed he is now forced to lie in. The magisters have no patience for slaves who cheat, with magic or no. When Marcellus was discovered attempting to cheat his way to victory, the slave masters had taken matters into their own hands.

Leto is a coward. He should have stayed with Marcellus despite their rivalries; the paralysis set upon the lad by his masters is a cruel one, turning his lips and tongue blue, choking his voice. But Leto could not endure the sight of him, and there were more important things to fight for than the life of one slave he only half knew. He could only tolerate being around his dying rival for so long.

Dying. Likely dead, in a few hours’ time.

Leto closes his eyes as another bowl of water is poured gently over his head by Anna’s steady hands. It disturbs the cloudy bath around his waist, prickles his skin in gooseflesh. When the waters calm, Leto can see himself in the surface as though looking into a mirror – his olive green eyes aching with turbulent pain, hair hanging around his head and neck like a dark curtain. He barely recognizes himself in his reflection.

- - -

The magister who had orchestrated the contest – Danarius – is one of the most financially successful, Leto has been told, primarily because, in such a competitive occupation, he is still alive. Danarius had spent half of his life in service to the Imperial Senate, and has broken many staves on the backs of his slaves, and has executed several of his men for various offenses.

This information had come to Leto through Varania, in the rare moments they were allowed to speak to each other while the contest was ongoing. Leto chooses to take her concerns with a grain of salt. Surely someone so cruel would never have offered a boon to a slave to begin with, no matter how many ogres, giants, or dragonlings they kill.

Leto meets him in the fortnight before the final trial. From his understanding, Danarius wanted to lay eyes on him before the test took place, likely to determine whether Leto was physically what Danarius was looking for in a valued slave. Prior to the meeting, Leto had procured many things for the man he hoped to be his new master, up to and including other slaves. Leto has a fairly good eye, and can tell those who would slouch on the job, who would do more than his share. But Leto himself isn’t destined to be a simple house slave. A favored slave is something altogether different.

His surprise makes him, for one of the only times in his life, question aloud a man so far in status above him. “Master Danarius— I don’t think I understand you. Do you mean a… a house servant?”

“A specific sort of servant, yes.” Danarius is sitting at his work table, as though this information has something to do with his job. Several maps paper over the surface of his table, with various Tevene notations scribbled in the margins that Leto cannot read. “You’ll be rewarded handsomely for this competition, Leto, and if you do particularly well, there is an extra boon that is yours to claim, if you wish it.”

“Messere,” Leto says, not daring to look up and meet his eyes, his heart pounding. “Of course I will be happy to do it. When you say servant…”

Danarius sighs. “How old are you, Leto?”

“Seventeen, dominus.” This is a lie; Leto had only turned fifteen a few months prior. He knows that his long hair makes him appear more youthful than he is, and he also knows that his body is still slender, golden-brown and unmarred with inexperience.

“Undress,” Danarius murmurs. “I did not get to examine you as thoroughly as I would have liked.”

“Yes, dominus,” Leto says promptly. He stands fully and slips quietly out of his clothing, until he is in nothing but the darkness of the shuttered work room. He closes his eyes, waiting to be struck, or bitten, or whipped – then he gasps, in pure surprise, when he feels Danarius’s scarred hand gently drifting over his skin.

“How old are you?” Danarius asks again. His fingers stroke across Leto’s chest, find a scar, fondle it thoughtfully as though mapping real estate.

“Seventeen,” Leto replies. His fright has begun to melt away, to be replaced by another sort of trembling, but the question makes him worry all over again. Has he shot for an age too old? Perhaps Danarius wants someone less experienced, someone younger, for his new companion.

“I don’t believe you.”

“What?” But Leto does not get a spoken answer. Instead, he feels Danarius’s hands encircle his hips and guide him forward until he is lying, trembling, in the bed.

Once there, the terror returns full force, but Leto knows what is expected of him.

- - -

The trial is finished and Leto, the side of his face swollen and bruised, says goodbye to his sister for a final time.

Varania clings to him and wails as though Leto has sliced off her very fingers, uncaring for the onlookers, uncaring for their mother, who stares into the middle distance looking shattered. Leto wishes there were more time to bid her farewell, but he is almost afraid to touch her when she is this volatile. Leto promises her that things will be easier for her and Mother now, that he did this for them, only for them, only ever for them.

When they are wrenched apart, Danarius wastes no time in ordering, “Come, Leto. Let us prepare you for your new purpose.”

- - -

They cut his hair to make the ritual easier; eventually, they will need full access to his scalp, and Leto will be shaved completely. He is shown where each scar will go, is told that it will be agony, but this is the price for the freedom of his family.

Danarius asks if there is anything of Varania’s that Leto would like to keep, before she is set free. Leto thinks: her eyelashes, her breath, her blood. He thinks, what have I done, and he thinks, I only want my sister back. He cries himself to sleep for a week straight at the thought of never seeing her again, quietly saying ‘no’ again and again, his mouth dry with the taste of sickness.

They cut his hair and the new angle of his neckline makes him look dangerous and hard, older than his years. There is a scar on his shoulder from one of the trials, where another slave had nicked his skin with a blade. Leto touches it and knows it won’t matter soon. This skin won’t be his for much longer.

- - -

It is a whisper at first. Soft little whispers that hang against the walls like fog, until the voice becomes a shout, becomes a howl that runs its fingernails down his face, across his chest.

The floor is slicked crimson beneath his body but he does not slip. He clings to his chains and howls for his mother with noises like an injured animal.

He huddles in his master’s arms when it is over. Wet and naked as a newborn, staring blankly. Holding the trauma like a bowl of blood.

#this is fucked up but here we go #rape /#slavery /#abuse /#torture /#how the fuck do i tag this im so sorry #miindframe #my writing

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