#i wish i could just repress all the bad feelings. they're not useful to me. there's nothing i can do to make them better. so why feel them

[neonpigeons]

I feel. so bad most of the time. and I know it's because my needs aren't being met. I'm always understimulated because doing anything is a monumental task. there are things I want to talk about cuz it's what my brain is insane over but I have nobody to talk about it with cuz when I do, people don't respond. I feel so lonely and stupid.

[animentality]

we talk a lot about how much ketheric hated durgetash, but what about how much orin hated durgetash? either she despised her sibling and hated seeing them happy (and also distracted from bhaal), or she actually got along pretty well with her sibling until gortash came and ruined it. she must have been so jealous, but not jealous in a “i wish it were me fucking durge/gortash” way, jealous in a “im the only one who seems to be taking this group project seriously but you’re the two getting the credit from teacher” way.

See, but here's the more tragic thing to consider...

Yes, the idea of Orin always hating Durge, and then flying off the handle because she can't handle being perpetually single and pretending it's for religious radicalism reasons is funny.

But what if Orin genuinely cared for them, because they were nicer to her than anyone else?

What if they actually had a somewhat decent relationship because deep down, they know they aren't that different?

The Dark Urge killed their parents, and they had to have felt regret...but they pushed down their feelings, and embraced being a Bhaalspawn, because what else could they do, really?

Their father would literally DISSOLVE them if they disobeyed.

But maybe they'd look at this younger fellow Bhaalspawn, and they'd remember having a childhood before that...and they'd feel bad for her. Take her under their wing.

And she, in turn, wouldn't be used to having someone who actually treats her kindly, or at least, with any degree of mercy?

I'm not sure where I read it, but I think it's mentioned somewhere, or was supposed to be in the game or something, that she tried to resist Bhaal once in the past, but was shut down.

And that is really sad to consider, because maybe Orin knew she was trapped, so, like the Dark Urge, she chose to embrace her heritage because she had no other choice.

But she and the Dark Urge have this in common, and that's why they'd get along...

Until. That fucking Chosen of Bane...

Suddenly the Dark Urge isn't spending any time with her...suddenly, they're moody, withdrawn.

Defensively angry.

See, there's a nasty note from the Dark Urge to Orin in her bedroom...

They say that Orin's blood is "impure."

And I can see why that would hurt Orin a lot...but in HER note, she just mentions how she hates how close Durge is with Gortash?

So maybe.

Hear me out...

Orin had NOT been planning on usurping the Dark Urge at all, like Sarevok says, until they met Gortash.

THEN, she felt betrayed.

Like...I thought we were alike. I thought you knew how it felt, to repress your feelings, and to embrace your destiny, instead of your own needs...but here you are.

Embracing a Banite...spending less time in the temple...with me.

So rather than feeling betrayed because she "loves" Bhaal...deep down, on a subconscious level... she's devastated because the only person she felt could understand her...was becoming someone new.

And she hated it.

And anon...

Orin is an artist at heart.

Creating grisly art was her way of expressing her individuality.

The Dark Urge mentions that they admire her art... but also that it's "useless" because Bhaal doesn't care for it...

Maybe they used to encourage her to be artistic as a child?

Because they know better than anyone, how you must suppress any sense of individuality as a Bhaalspawn. That's not what you were made for. But they knew it helped her emotionally.

And before Gortash, they lightly encouraged it, or at least allowed it...but then she starts being abrasive and complaining about Gortash.

She starts saying, do you truly serve Bhaal, or Enver Gortash, and they'd snap back, because they're defensive about it right, that she doesn't really understand what Bhaal wants???

So I think the Dark Urge showing contempt for her artwork was just a coping mechanism.

They had abandoned their individuality a long time ago, but suddenly this Enver Gortash says he likes them for them...he says, I love how smart you are...and they feel like...they're more than a Bhaalspawn...

And Orin is hurt and betrayed, because she thought they were in this together...and they're confused and anxious, over this problem that they can't simply kill...

So in short, anon.

Yes.

I think the Dark Urge and Gortash's relationship DID put a huge strain on the Dark Urge's relationship with Orin.

I think it would've really broken her heart, to know she was alone with just Bhaal for company.

I also think she needn't have worried, because they'd both get what was coming to them anyway in the end.

They were never going to last forever, her own actions be damned.

Alas, anon.

I feel...so sorry for them all.

[blooming-violets]

Giving preschool teacher Peter Parker a massage, I know those kiddos use his long limbs as a human jungle gym

[from this prompt list] [feel free to request a prompt from the list]

[tasm!peter parker x reader]

Gray Hairs and Massages

"And then, for some unknown reason, Marcus stood up and started singing Jingle Bells at the top of his lungs while Allie attempted to do the worm around him. She hit her face off the floor and got a bloody nose. Meanwhile, Jessica and Kit have climbed to the top of the bookcase and are attempting to jump off, Kevin has Chubs the hamster in his pocket even after I told him not to touch the class pet, Max is spinning in circles so fast that he starts puking, Rowen is crying in the corner because he misses his mom, and the rest of the kids are sitting on the circle time rug looking at me like they've lost all hope in my abilities to run a classroom!"

Peter let out a loud, exaggerated sigh and flopped face first onto the bed after detailing his chaotic work day to you.

"I thought fighting crime was hard," he mumbled into the bunched up blankets under his face. "Preschool is worse than any bad guy I've ever come across."

You repressed a laugh for his own sanity and took a seat on the bed beside him, "At least it'll be good practice for when we have kids. If you can handle 22 children, I think you should be able to handle four with ease."

He peaked his eyes up from his blanket prison to give you a questioning look, "Four? You want four kids now? What happened to only two?"

You shot him a smile and gave an innocent shrug, "Hearing you talk about the chaos made me excited. I want to see you in action. Super dad, Peter Parker. It has a nice ring to it."

He groaned and hid his face back into the blankets, "I don't think I could even handle one. These children are crazed. They're taking over. They know I'm weak. They can smell my blood in the water and they're circling into attack mode. They're going to eat me alive. One day someone will check in on me and my half devoured body will be staring lifeless up at the ceiling while the children have gone completely feral as they feast on my flesh for snacktime. It's Lord of the Flies in there. My head has been pounding all evening."

You chucked at his over exaggeration of the situation and patted his back, "Such a drama queen. My day was lovely, thank you for asking. I got to sit in a quiet library and sort books."

He rolled over and flopped his head into your lap, staring up at you, "That sounds wonderful. Wanna trade?"

"You wish." You brushed your fingers through his thick hair. "Want me to give you a massage? I'll go grab some ibuprofen for your headache and massage away your troubles."

He responded with a pathetically sad whine, "Please. I'm dying."

You scooted out from under him to go grab a bottle of pain meds from the cabinet, along with a glass of water, and your cooling eye mask from the fridge. When you returned, Peter was laying in his boxers and had half unbuttoned his shirt before giving up. His arms were flopped onto the mattress and spread out to either side of him while he stared in a daze up at the ceiling.

"Help me," he croaked, his voice clearly strained from trying to speak over boisterous four year old's all day. "'m so tired. Can't even finish taking my shirt off. Just wanna be comfy..."

"Oh, honey, you poor thing," you chuckled under your breath. "Come here."

You placed his things on the bedside table and quickly made work of unbuttoning his shirt. He shrugged it off his shoulders, grabbing the pain relief next to him and chugging the entire glass of water with it. You helped fix the eye mask around his face and he rolled back onto his stomach.

You climbed up on top of him, straddling your legs on either side of his hips, and started to rub your hands over his bare shoulders. Peter let out a low groan of approval.

"Your hands are so cold," he mumbled.

"Aren't they always like that?" You replied, working your fingers into his large muscles with circular motions.

"Yeah but they feel nice now. You should quit your library job and work as a masseuse. Libraries are a dying breed."

You gasped in feigned outrage, "How dare you speak of my beloved library like that?"

He shrugged his tense shoulders, a tiny smile gracing his half hidden face, "Truth hurts, baby."

"Yeah, well, at least I know I'll never become a preschool teacher."

"Hey, don't mess with us teachers. We're hardcore."

You laughed, "Says the man who couldn't even take off his shirt tonight."

He gave a sly smile, "Maybe I wanted you to be the one to undress me? Maybe I knew exactly what I was doing?"

"Or maybe you were exhausted and lazy?" You patted his shoulder and rolled off him, sitting upright on the mattress. "Turn around and roll over. Put your head in my lap. I'll massage your head."

He did as he was told and settled nicely into your lap, a lingering smile on his lips. You gently took the eye mask off his face to have better access to him. You started with a gentle pressure, circling around his temples and working your way up his hairline to his forehead.

"Imma fall 'sleep," he mumbled.

"Go for it. You deserve the rest."

You continued to work on massaging his scalp, listening to his breathing get steadier and softer, when you looked down and quietly gasped at what you saw. As you ran your fingers through his thick hair, you noticed a patch of gray glinting under the dim light. The more you brushed through it, the more single strands of gray you saw. It wasn't immediately obvious unless you were up close and grooming him like you were doing but, there was no denying it, Peter was graying.

"Well, shit," you whispered under your breath.

Peter peaked a sleepy eye open and mumbled, "What? Don't tell me a kid gave me lice again."

"Not lice. Did you know that you're graying?" You couldn't hide the tinge of amusement in your voice.

His eyes snapped open, the sleep vanishing from his face, and he shot up right.

"What? I'm not going gray! Don't say that!" He gasped, putting a protective hand to his precious hair.

You laughed at his over the top reaction, "Sorry, Pete, but go look in the mirror."

He rolled off the bed and ran to the bathroom. You laid down to curl up in the warm spot his body heat had left on the bed and smiled when you heard his yelp of horror from the other room.

"No!" He yelled. "Those damn kids! This is their fault!" He shuffled back into the bedroom with a pout. "Am I old?"

You rolled your eyes, "You're 35, Peter."

"Is that old?" He sank to knees beside the bed in front of your face and looked up at you with pleading, but playful, eyes.

You nodded, taking on a serious tone, "Very. Oldest man alive."

"Oy vey," he stifled a laugh with his hand. "Might as well get me a cane and call me grandpa. Now that I think about it, my father grayed really early and so did Uncle Ben. At least they both still had a full head of hair. I'd rather be gray than bald. If I start to bald, I need you to put me out of my misery."

You scooted over to give him space to climb into bed with you, "Come on, old man. I promise if you go bald that I will make you a wig out of my own hair."

He rolled into bed beside you and snuggled his face next to yours so your noses were brushing against each other, "I have gray hair."

"I know," you whispered back. "That's so fucking hot."

"Really?"

You nodded, "Oh yeah. You're giving off serious daddy vibes right now." You gave him a sneaky smirk. "Is this old man too tired to please his wife tonight?"

His smile matched yours as you watched his eyes spark to life, "Wow, look at that, I suddenly feel fully rested. You're the perfect cure to a crazy day."

[defiedlife]

META + love (Aventurine)

send  [ META ] + a word / phrase / person / etc for a headcanon.

Love is such a loaded concept for Aventurine. I cannot stress this enough. Despite everything he's been through, he has so much love to give to others, just as he always has. Let's talk familial first, since that's where it all started—

He's never forgotten where he came from, and for as far back as he can remember (which is nearly as far back as possible; he's got an excellent memory), he has always loved his family, even the father he never met. Even though they're all gone, they're still the most important people in his life, and he loves them vastly more than he loves himself. His mother, father, and older sister will always, always have a special place in his heart. They were his whole world once, and the only source of any type of true love he has ever known. He knows he was deeply loved by them, and they're the main reason he's been able to hold onto the concept of love and believe in it despite all the trauma and tragedy he has survived since then.

He doesn't currently have anyone else he specifically regards as family, but he wishes that he did. He sorely misses his family on a daily basis, and he will always long to have someone in his life to fill that void—not to replace his lost loved ones, but to let him feel that same kind of love again and remind him that it still exists in more places than his memory.

Now, onto platonic love—mainly friendship, since he doesn't definitively have any platonic relationships that go deeper than that. That said, buckle up.

First of all, let me put this out there—no, friends are not "weapons of the Avgins," nor did his parents teach him that. That was a bluff he came up with on the spot, likely to serve two purposes; one, to make himself seem a little less pathetic after openly admitting he never had a formal education, and two (and more importantly), to give anyone observing his conversation with Ratio a reason to believe it to be normal (rather than strange or desperate) that he'd go around Penacony collecting new allies like one might collect coins or marbles.

Weaponizing friendships is, however, both a defensive and offensive technique that he has come to utilize and lean on when necessary. He doesn't take any pride in doing so, but if it's his best course of action to achieve an important goal, he'll go for it—with one caveat.

He will never, ever use another person he cares about in order to advance his schemes if he believes doing so would put them in any real danger. In his plans, the only person in any significant danger will only ever be himself. No one else gets hurt; not if he can help it. No one.

This is because, despite how things might seem on the surface, friendships are genuinely important to him. Yes, he'll make a friend and probably mentally catalogue how knowing this specific person could come in handy in the future, but that's due to force of habit at this point. It's an ingrained nature; one he wishes he could do without, but he can't afford to let that habit go because it helps him survive. If he could, he would, because just like wanting a family again, he craves true friendship. This desire is a little more repressed than his desire for a family, precisely because he does have that bad habit of also seeing friends as potential tools, but it's there nonetheless.

He wants so badly to just have a fun night out with friends, or be able to drop by someone's home to hang out, or have a trusted friend he can confide in and vent to; someone who will actually care if he's sick or hurt or having a bad day. Unfortunately, such relationships are few and far between for him, a result partially of his own making and partly due to his trauma and the awful prejudice and stereotypes surrounding Avgins. He tends to make "friends," but keep most people at arm's length to protect himself, either because he's wary of letting them in, because their attitude towards him is negative from the outset, or both.

Thirdly—romantic love. As with friendship, he craves it. It's a craving he feels down to his very soul, and there's nothing he can do that will permanently quiet it short of actually attaining that love. But it's just a beautiful daydream, or so he often thinks. He will pine and hope and try so hard to gain a person's attention and affection if he's interested, but at the end of the day, deep down, he feels he's unworthy of it.

That's not to say he'd be a bad partner; far from it. He'd be attentive to his partner's needs both physically and emotionally, and so long as he can help it, they'll never want for anything. As a Stoneheart, he has ample funds and means to spoil his s/o, and so he can and will. Attention, gifts, and acts of service are all well within his love language wheelhouse. Just...don't ask him to do anything in the kitchen unless he has clear instructions or a recipe to follow and knows how to properly use all the required ingredients, utensils, and appliances. He did not grow up with any kind of kitchen, and no one ever taught him how to cook or bake. Please forgive him.

I already talked at length about his preferences and what draws him to a potential partner here and here, so I won't go into all of that again so soon.

Lastly, I wanna talk a little about Aventurine and self-love. As hinted at a couple paragraphs ago, he really...has none. He knows he was lovable and beloved once, but that was when he was a little kid and his childhood was as good as it was ever going to get. Even back then, though he was loved, he also kept hearing how special he was; how he was chosen by Gaiathra Triclops and blessed with luck, and how much rested on his shoulders as a result. Ever since then, his self-worth and self-love have taken a rapid nosedive. On many an occasion, he's felt that his luck is all he's worth, and that if his luck is the reason he survives while so many others around him keep suffering or dying, it's not worth much to him even though it's all he has.

Deep down, in his own eyes, he's a murderer, a coward, and a failure who always loses so much more than he ever truly wins. He hides it with flashy, expensive clothing and accessories and puts on a smile, but none of that will take away the pain. He spoils himself with luxury to take the edge off, but it's never enough, and he sometimes wonders if he really deserves to have such nice things when he has no one to share them with.

As I said at the beginning, he has so much love to give, and he desperately wants to give it. He just needs the opportunity. He needs to learn that he's worth more than his luck and not a commodity to be bought and sold. He needs to learn that he's still worth loving in return despite his origins and the person he has become.

[tainbocuailnge]

Are Cu Chulainn’s earrings symbolic of his pride in living his life even with the tragedies. Separate his heroic pride because both Caster Cu and Beserker Alter have them. Going through F:HA and the scene where Bazett dies reaching out and grasping his earring + her only wearing them in the epilogue got me thinking thematic thoughts

that's not a bad guess, though I don't actually think it's the case because his spear is mentioned way more often and way more obviously as the multipurpose symbol of his life and pride in it. the earrings meanwhile are only really brought up in the context of FHA

I think the earrings started as just a design element and were given more symbolic weight in being used as connecting factor between lancer and bazett. they're the catalyst that bazett used to summon him and are similar in this to rin's pendant that she used to save shirou's life being the catalyst that summons archer: it's physical proof of a connection they share, even if the parties involved don't realize or remember.

the scene you mention starts with bazett desperately pleading with lancer that they know each other and she won't fight him, but he denies this and forces a confrontation. when they've mutually killed each other she's desperately reaching for the earring in her pocket because upon seeing it all she can think about is that she has one too, that they really do share a connection.

bazett is essentially desperately looking for someone who can "fix her," who can turn her into a functional human being, and in this longing for some kind of external salvation she is unable to recognise any of her own efforts and achievements for what they are. she summoned lancer with the intent of saving him from his fate, but what she really hoped for was for her childhood hero to save her from her own.

the pride in your life part of their confrontation is covered by their weapons: fragarach is the sword that severs fate, the "i wish things had gone differently", and gae bolg is the spear that seals fate, the "I did what I could with what I had". it's a mutually assured kill because neither statement can actually deny the other, you can wish things had been different even if you're proud of what you achieved with what you had, you can be proud of what you achieved with what you had even if you wish things had been different. when bazett's heart is ripped apart by gae bolg it unseals her repressed memories of how kirei betrayed her and she never once received the external help she thought would save her to get where she is now, when lancer's heart is ripped apart by fragarach he voices a complaint about his life for the first time.

the earrings are instead used to symbolise a more personal connection. bazett having those earrings is proof that even if anyone denies or forgets it, they really do share a connection and they really did mean something to each other once. lancer returns the half of the pair he has to finally say the farewells he couldn't when kirei killed her - she meant something to him, even if he can only act on it now. bazett reaches for the matching one in her pocket but is unable to show it to him - she is absolutely certain that they meant something to each other, even if she can't prove it to the rest of the world. she can't cling to him forever, he can't and won't save her, but that doesn't mean he didn't believe in her. wearing the earrings shows more faith in herself, in her own judgement, and in her ability to get through this too.

it becomes a little clearer with the context of bazett's valentines event in fgo too, where the whole crux of the event is that she's scared of seeing lancer again, not because she's unsure of how he feels about her but because servants aren't supposed to remember their other summonnings and she doesn't know if she can take him saying he doesn't know her. it ends on her facing off against a manifestation of those fears by drawing the four branches herself because even if he doesn't remember, she does, and forgetting about it now doesn't change that he believed in her once.

[himawarihanahaki]

Why I'm anti-contact and what it means to me

I've seen so many blogs using anti-contact/pro-contact to mean different things, so I just gave up on understanding the nuances and decided to just make a long post on my opinions on it.

Obvious part: is it ok to have romantic/sexual contact with children? No, not even with "consent" (which they can't give, saying yes when you don't understand what you're saying yes to isn't consent). If you disagree, not interacting with me isn't enough I need you to die.

Less obvious part: is it ok to talk to children without romantic/sexual intentions if you're a pedophile? no ♡

Reasons

- Bad for you:

Personally I've never had any kind of attachment to a kid, but just the thought of being in love with one and having to see them regularly makes me want to scream. I can't even begin to imagine how insane that would make me.

There's no good ending in that situation, because if you're a spineless creature with no morals or self control you'll probably end up doing something weird at best or monstrous at worse (bad), and if you're not you'll enter a spiral of repression and self loathing (bad).

The only reliable way to avoid that situation is to avoid kids as much as possible.

- (can be) Bad for everyone else:

Story time:

A few years ago, I found out that one of my old neighbors went to prison for possession of csem, which was made even worse by the fact that he was a teacher and I had been one of his students.

He never did anything to me specifically, but I have a lot of memories of talking to him, receiving gifts and spending recess with him sometimes. I know this sounds weird as fuck but I swear it was normal and every other teacher treated me basically the same because I was a friendless teacher's pet.

The point is that even though I can't tell you a single thing he did with me that was in any way inappropriate, just the fact that I know that I was a kid and he was a pedophile ruins everything. So many memories I have from between the ages of 6 to 8 ish that used to be sweet are tainted forever because now I know that he was probably thinking about fucking me on at least some of them. I haven't talked to anyone else who was his student at the time, but I'm sure almost everyone feels the same as me looking back.

His case is made worse by the fact that he wasn't a non offending one, but even if he was, I don't think it'd make a difference on what I personally feel when I look back at my memories with him.

That experience is the main reason I avoid any and all contact with kids, because if somehow it becomes public information that I'm a pedophile my suffering will be more than enough, I don't need someone to be wondering if I was thinking about fucking them that one time 8 years ago when we were talking about the weather or something. My goal is that every child I come across forgets me immediately or at most in a week and that I forget them just as fast.

About other people:

While I don't necessarily think everyone who interacts with kids (in a normal and appropriate way) is a bad person or has bad intentions, I do think they're being selfish and really wish they would think more about their actions and possible consequences.

I also find it incredibly suspicious, it's really hard to believe you're actually non offending if you go out of your way to talk to kids, but I guess you could just be a little stupid so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

[malepresentingleg]

A little late after the episode but I do have some (over 1k worth) thoughts on BMF and how they handled the whole sex thing that I need to let out before I even go into the tag.

I'll say this show has been very pleasantly surprising the last few episodes, and I was quite impressed with how they handled and addressed very real queer experiences - if it's Pisaeng's beautiful journey with the gay bar, his mom's "acceptance", and the beautiful beautiful rally with the wonderful speakers discussing queer struggles and more.

That's why I had a tiny bit of hope for an asexual Kawi following his comments about sex (can two people who date never have sex? YEAH!), but I wasn't holding on to it very much because I'm a realistic not delusional leg :') So as much as I LOVE this idea and think it could have been very interesting and important and a great opportunity to explore asexuality and relationships - I will write here under the assumption that Kawi is allo and is meant to be sexually attracted to Pisaeng.

One of my least favorite tropes in bl is "the blushing maiden"- where one character really pushes the other into intimacy and the other is avoiding it. If two characters are in a relationship- let them both be interested in each other!!! (uwma and between us are two of my least favorite bls from those I watched bc of that. Bad Buddy is probably my favorite because they show the mutuality of the relationship very well). Some examples for it being done well are MSP - they're BOTH shy and both do want it, they're just kids. When Tinn asks for kisses Gun is flustered and Tinn does it in a teasing way, and very much respects Gun's wishes. Not to mention, he ends up being even more shy.

I think the most similar to what BMF seems to be trying to show would be The Eclipse. Akk is extremely repressed. He's full of self-loathing and internalized homophobia and every time Aye pushes it's to help him be able to do what he wants without needing to admit it. Credit is definitely due to First's superb acting skills because he's effortlessly able to show the audience how much he's torn inside, how much he's very much into Aye, how he WANTS to touch him and be intimate with him, but he's scared and has a lot holding him back. Of course it's not perfect but it didn't give me the ick as much as uwma did, and not as much as BMF did too.

Which brings me to Kawi and Pisaeng.

Pisaeng made this beautiful journey for self-acceptance and embracing his queerness. We as the audience also know how easily things could have turned different and he would marry Pear without even coming out! So we know how much of a struggle it was, and it's reasonable to think- still is, for him to accept his attraction to men. I think that is part of what makes this dynamic between them so jarring - I want to celebrate Pisaeng's confidence, he's being sweet and romantic and giving his bf positive attention in an unapologetic queer way - but then the way Kawi reacts to it makes me also wants to hate it, to feel like Pisaeng is pressuring him and being predatory, demanding without consent.

But it's not what happens. Because of everything I mentioned about Pisaeng, and because he's charming and cute and has been through all that, I find myself "rooting for him" (why are there sides to be rooting for???) and thinking man Kawi is annoying! Didn't he say he's into Pisaeng?? Why can't he show it too, make him feel loved and wanted like he deserves? But that's a mindset I don't want to fall into.

But what I'm missing to feel more sympathetic towards Kawi is what I found in MSP and in The Eclipse - show me he does want it but he's scared, he's not ready, he's shy, anything! But now what I'm getting from him is that he doesn't actually like Pisaeng at all, and all that changed was their official status.

I was very excited for the chat he had with Max (a little bit because he really did sound like an asexual there and I had hope), because up until now he had very good advice and gave great queer insight.

I loved how he talked about his experiences, and said that yes, sex is an essential part of his relationships but - I was so sure he was gonna say it's different for everyone, that Kawi shouldn't do anything he's not ready for and that he should talk to Pisaeng about it.

Instead, when Kawi said he doesn't find sex to be that important in a relationship (ace Kawi! ace Kawi!!), Max kinda shamed him with "well you're a virgin so you don't know", and basically told him "you're gonna do it eventually so might as well now, you're lucky it's with someone you love". Which is kind of a horrible advice IMO. Another approach they could take is tackle why it is that Kawi is so reluctant, discuss his internalized homophobia that still makes him perceive gay sex as wrong and how he can get over it and embrace this part of himself. But the reasoning for him to do it being "just do it" ugh. No thanks.

Another direction I thought it might take and I would have been happy with is Pisaeng maybe apologizing for pushing and expressing hid sadness that Kawi doesn't want him or isn't into him or something like that, and Kawi would then explain and express how much he DOES want him but he's just not ready. ANYTHING. to make me believe Kawi is into Pisaeng and not just forcing himself because he's told he needs to.

The amusement park analogy was a bit on the nose - if you don't try the rollercoaster it's like you haven't really been here = if we don't have sex our relationship doesn't count. Which, ouch. But yeah "it's ok if you're scared, I'll be with you and hold your hand the whole time".

I was a bit surprised they ended up not going, and then again at the car with the roof, but after further thought I realized it was - Kawi saw Pisaeng respects his wishes and doesn't actually cross his boundaries and so he trusts him enough by the end of the episode. Still, the fact they had sex felt... wrong. After Kawi spent the whole episode being scandalized by anything touch related, his conversation with Max, him being scared shitless to find lube, the theme park and then the dinner - the transition to having sex felt lacking. Them just having sex without any sort of discussion about Kawi's reluctance, talking about how it's actually both of their first times (I assume? at least with a man), how it's ok to take it slow.. Idk, Kawi couldn't bear KISSING Pisaeng up until this point, so now they're having sex? It made it feels like he's forcing himself which is the last thing I want for their relationship. I want to see them both wanting each other :')

There were some great highlights like Kawi staring at Pisaeng in bed or calling his mom but for me it wasn't enough to make me feel like their relationship is built on mutual attraction.

[background-character-341]

Okay, so I've seen a few posts recently about how Nancy doesn't care about Mike. This has bothered me ever since it started, and I think I've finally figured out why: I relate way too hard to Nancy right now. Their relationship actually reminds me a lot of the relationship between me and my sister.

Here's the thing. I don't interact with my sister if I can help it. It's sad but it's true; that's just the way we've structured our lives. We live in the same house and eat meals together, but that's pretty much where our interactions stop. We've fully separated ourselves from each other.

Nancy and Mike's main issue right now is communication. They don't know how to talk to each other, and the few times that they do try to have a conversation, it's usually an argument. We see this all the time in season 1 when they are having dinner, but we also see this in season 3, when she is telling him that he should respect El's wishes and ends up inadvertently invalidating his feelings.

Nancy doesn't know how to talk to Mike, and I think that a lot of that has to do with their parents' relationship. Karen and Ted clearly don't talk much to each other. They've built these walls around themselves to protect them from this loveless marriage. And without any good examples of healthy communication, Nancy and Mike have also learned to build these walls around themselves. We know this because we've see the way these walls affect their other relationships.

In Mike's case, his relationship with El is defined by these walls, and he uses her as a way of keeping them up. His relationship with Will is similar, though more to the extent that he's the only person who Mike lets them down around. We also see this in the way he represses his feelings for Will. He also has walls around his feelings to hide them from himself.

Nancy is in a similar boat. Her relationship with Steve was defined by the way she repressed her feelings, it was a shield that she used against her grief for Barb. With Jonathan she could let her walls down. But Nancy is still repressing her grief for Barb. We see that with her Vecna vision in season 4. She hasn't fully processed this, and she's hiding these feelings from herself, just like Mike is with his feelings for Will.

Nancy and Mike are very similar characters. They are both selfless and caring and incredibly smart. And they are both stubborn and so very bad at processing their feelings. They've both built walls around themselves so that they don't have to acknowledge that they're hurting. And when you've got these two people with walls and no basis for healthy communication, you get this strained relationship that's hurting them both. You get two people who love each other very much, but are worlds apart.

I think there's some merit to the idea that Nancy is trying to be everybody else's big sister. She doesn't know how to do that for Mike, so she tries to do it for his friends, because they're easier to talk to. They don't have walls that she needs to break down. They don't have a relationship with her that was built on a foundation of repressed feelings and antagonism.

We see Nancy try to reach out to Mike at the end of season 1. She tells him no more secrets and then immediately lies to her about her feelings for Jonathan. And regardless of whether you believe that Mike is bi or gay, it's clear that his response to her question about El is supposed to be a direct parallel to that. Neither of them are ready to keep that promise yet. Neither of them are ready to let down those walls and let the other in.

But that season 1 conversation gives me hope for them. Because the Duffers have shown us time and again that they don't throw in lines for shits and giggles. They don't just forget details from earlier seasons. The same people who gave us blue meets yellow in the west, who gave us numerous callbacks to season 2 in season 4, who paralleled Jonathan's talk with Will to Karen's talk with Mike, didn't just forget an important character moment from the first season. The same show that has shown us it knows how to write siblings, knows how to write friends, and is in the process of writing one of the greatest queer love stories we have ever seen, didn't just abandon this sibling relationship.

I fully believe that Mike is going to go missing next season somehow. And yes this will be great for us bylers who get to see Will looking for Mike with the same intensity that Mike looked for Will. But it will also force Nancy to confront her love for Mike as well as her trauma with Barb. And the next time they see each other they will finally be ready to tear down those walls and truly be vulnerable with each other. They'll finally keep their promise.

The beginning of season 4 is a small moment as far as their ineractions go. It's short and rushed and they are both annoyed at each other. And for me, it's also painfully real. Their relationship isn't bad writing, or Nancy not caring about Mike. It's a tragedy. Another casualty of the Wheeler trauma.

[a-broken-worthless-monster]

I'm tired, I don't even want to spend time with friends on computer, I don't sleep or I sleep too much.

I wish I could shut off feelings and just sleep till I'm wanted for something to be useful or good.

I can never tell if I matter much.

Unanswered questions and silence haunt me and put me in tears (I'm afraid they thought I was crying for other reasons) or this dreadful sleepless dead feeling as repressed feelings build up till I breakdown and need to empty my thoughts or do something else.

It's okie in the end but it still hurts or aches, though maybe it's only okie because it's me getting hurt a little and just trying to give them space or comfort they deserve.

I worry what little reassurance and time I'm given is obligatory for them and I'm being horrible to feel like this.

I wish there was a way to read minds. It's often I can't even say all this, there would be no answer... or there would be anger and punishment. I'm often terrified of that from past experiences.

I just, am unsure if they just decided to keep me at arms length or if they're upset or worse.

I know it's probably busy and tired, I feel monstrous and like an endless problem.

Because I want them to have nice days and time for themselves and to feel free like they deserve.

My thoughts will never shut up, even seeing the bestfriends tag on snapchat disappear makes my head turn into a storm of panic and worry.

How I feel is bothersome and wrong.

I get moments where I truly feel cared for, they let down their guard and be open and that I matter. They're still important and dear; most of the time I keep remembering them from longer ago as a comfort before something happened and they put so much distance up.

I wish I was better for others, I wish I could be truly good for them. I wish had more to give.

I don't want them hurt, or feeling anything bad, or having bad things.

I can't lose someone important...

I believe in them, I know they care... it just feels like they just mean more to me.

[verdantmeadows]

Okay so I finished ILTV and have pretty mixed feelings on it, I enjoyed the relationship between Rae and Claire, but several things such as Manaria and the incest plotline sour it for me. Manaria would have been a really good character, and then she's just written to be a rapist for no feasible reason, which is especially irritating since she's the only bifauxnen. Her regret that she had as a result of repressing gay feelings could have easily been something else. I do not like at all how incest as a taboo is equated to homosexuality as a taboo. I also don't understand why the show needed to be an isekai? I understand it's used to set up so Rae knows what happens and so she can prevent it, but it just kinda gives her a plot armor I don't like. I think it would have been way more interesting if this was just a genuine setting and Rae fell in love with Claire organically and not because she's from an otome game. I think that the things that the plot hinges on with her knowing it happens in advance could have just been something else or done differently. It's not interesting to watch a character who already knows everything that's about to happen for the most part. I also really dislike knowing that one of the princes is "trans", but not actually! She was born female, then cursed to be male, then changed back to female! Like, why? The story doesn't need a trans/intersex allegory? The story DIRECTLY acknowledges homosexuality? You can just...have an ACTUAL trans/intersex character. It feels like the only reason that this character is made into female is to make her relationship with another character F/F. In which case...why not just have her be normally trans? Just have her be a normal trans girl/intersex trans girl? This is already a queer media. Why can't you have transgender/intersex characters? And, honestly, I see people calling her canonically transgender, which I kind of get, but her story reads much more as an intersex story to me, so I wish she was just written as an intersex trans girl or a trans girl. Generally speaking, I really hate nobility/royalty settings that are about nobility and do not attempt to resolve it at all. ILTV directly acknowledges that there is inequality between commoners and nobility, there is even a movement and there are protests against this that want equality between the groups. And yet, the commoners protesting are treated as...the bad guys. And the nobility is framed as people that need to be "protected". It's just weird. Based on what we know from the ending, they're going to be continued to be framed as villains for rightfully wanting to end the commoner vs nobility dichotomy. I know I should be able to suspend my disbelief, but this is just one thing I almost never am able to suspend my disbelief on, SPECIFICALLY in this case because the show BRINGS UP THE INEQUALITY and also has Claire have a superiority complex over being nobility. And her haughtiness over being nobility is treated as exclusively cute and charming (which yes, I agree that it is/can be!) and not something that needs to be fix or remedied. I really hope the rest of the series properly works on this and doesn't villainize the commoners further. The entire main cast it feels affirm that it was stupid for Yu to even hear out a commoner on his want for equality. I also really don't like that it doesn't give us development for anyone really other than Rae and Claire. Like, yes, side characters are side characters, but they bother to give us interesting premises, and even tell us explicitly how insecure Thane is, and then... Do nothing with it. We don't see them develop. Why have so many side characters, tell us about them, then do nothing with them? Like, okay, sure, it's just season 1, but based on what I could find online, they don't really do anything with Rod or Thane. Rod makes sense, because he doesn't really have a lot to change with, but Thane? Thane is shown to have an inferiority complex and then the show just validates it, essentially.

That being said, I liked the show! It has a lot of things I didn't like, but I liked Claire and Rae, they were cute. I wish their relationship had developed organically rather than just Rae being isekai'd, but that can't be helped. I also wish that we saw more of their actual romance than just Rae's one-sided yearning for the whole season. However, because of how it clearly does not portray things like SA and incest as serious cases of abuse, I'm not sure I'm going to look into reading the rest of the series nor am I sure that I'd watch a season 2. I don't trust how it treats sexual abuse whatsoever. Maybe I'm just really petty right now, but this is how I feel for now. The scene with Manaria deeply upset me but in a way that made me angry. I've enjoyed the show, but right now all I can feel and think about is the bad things in the show. But I did definitely enjoy it and like Claire and Rae's relationship. I just think that the setting isn't for me. It feels like sometimes, when it comes to F/F or M/M in animation, you just have to "settle" for any relationships at all, even if you don't like the setting. But I have to tell myself, it's okay to not like the setting. I don't have to settle for it or like the setting just because it's F/F. I think I'm also so upset because I feel betrayed by how much praise I saw for this show without any warning for the incest and SA (I only got incest warnings from people I knew, and, from the person who told me to watch it, long after they had already told me to watch it). I was expecting it to be an absolute masterpiece, and it just wasn't. Which is okay! Not everything has to be a masterpiece! But I thought it was gonna be way better than it was. Still, despite how bitter and petty I sound, I liked it! It was good!

[the-firebird69]

Rage Against The Machine - The Ghost of Tom Joad (Official HD Video)

With the max are saying is Hera and I have created things that will come back and destroy us and put us into a state of being like in The grapes of wrath and I'm already there and they are saying it and trying to prove they're in control and it doesn't prove it to me it proves they're fighting over it and I don't think the other aware of that 100% now and it means my grapes or gonads and we used for it whether of the mind or body and people find out that it was both later and can't figure it out but it is that complicated but a lot of people figured it's JC and Mary and they want you to tribute it to me so the figure here got it and he knows what's going on I think it's a clone and they started to work and they have some bases near camera and others and they know what the empire is up to they're getting their asses handed to them in a big way and they're having everybody else I hope do it to them and the empire is on top of it and they plan on roasting the people in the ship and there's analogy and code everywhere for it but what they're really basically saying is it's going to come back and haunt us she and I and we will be in a state just like the Midwest and they caused that to happen by not properly protecting the fields and they inspired it and forced it to happen and it didn't again they're saying they did it again they're saying this time they say the land will lay Baron because the ship has to come out and hours to be forced out which is what they believe is happening

Zues Hera

All this is very true and I was going to say it but he's right there living it I'm happy for it but I'll say this they didn't miss much of it in these idiot Max I missing the fact that we didn't miss it either and boy are they up in our face saying we missed it and he's right here supposedly not knowing anything seeing it out loud and you Max and very arrogant and this shows it and people are figuring out why. It's well founded you should be but not to everybody constantly your work is wasted and it's starting to show your face is a craggly and you're not eating well you're getting repressed and kidnapped and questioned and killed. That's the price for talking and you people talked at all the way here on purpose to tell him that you are having him do it and it's to your own detriment and loss and he could care less he helped having to do it. And so did we. You're just losers like your little cousins here and holy s*** are they stupid. But you wanted a war and now you've got one and you're complaining like we're going to help you like where your mama or weird Daddy and we're not and give it a rest you stupid assholes you wake up and you start annoying us with that s*** or the other stuff as both the same we go after you you think you have unlimited people and you're wrong. And those mega computers have been down there doing your job not even allow you to access your fools

Thor Freya

I have to tell you something he did it on purpose but we had him do it and he says it every time we should stop saying it we did have them do it both of them and others and it turns out it was not a great idea it seems that the clans have taken off with it and yeah they're pulverizing everybody the clothes near and if you go in there it fuels up the monster which fuels up the ship this is terrible. And you getting rid of yourselves more luck and for Christ's sake you can't figure it out I see how stupid you are in the comments are starting now it's really the max and they don't have proof it's not and we have a huge huge ego and a big mouth and it's really us they have to find out if we took over cuz we're acting like we did we had this happen to him we're grabbing them I'll see what this point is he wouldn't be able to tell either so probably go down with this stuff and he doesn't feel bad at all and he knows it's a big hill or mountain to climb I wish I had to figure out something she's not a child at all and I'm wrong he's got a three year old child for his body his brain is 55 years old I keep putting it on this child and we're getting our asses kicked. And yeah we might do a little stupid we don't think it is coming we can put it on him after thinking nothing of him and we get crushed we have to stop doing it but these idiots are inspiring and they're getting toasted I mean obliterateda

Macs

And we are racing to the hole and it's disgusting because a lot of dumb talk like that it's gross we don't know what to do about it there's no way to overpower it or to calm it down and just will get worse he says you're fighting a creature damn thing could be 10,000 Miles high some people say 5000 so practically nothing we do will do anything it's like a ship and we know it can go in there with certain ships we think and it has to be cadmium laced heavily so I do understand what you're saying

Woody

He's right and his people will all walk around say we have a woody now

Zues

Haha I'd like to say that with him that's for damn sure everybody say the other people how's your woody now

Hera

So he asks the ubiquitous question, how's your... whole

..... family

Hera

Olympus

[dabihaul666]

What's your interpretation of overhaul compared to the popular fanon?

the popular fanon of tumblr is dom top doctor sugar daddy self shipping calling u ''angel''

the semi-popular fanon of people who ship him with other characters is still usually having him as a dom top, cold ruthless boundary crossing dubcon dabi whump. other characters? idk i dont read or surround myself with anything else but obviously shigahaul would be a bit different and obvs this also changes whether or not he has his arms or not, which brings me to naganthaul where it's people's fantasy strong woman (mirko kind of gets this too) and the broken traumatized husk of a ''bad problematic character'' that some ppl feel like means her calling him a faggot is good and cool, and im kind of glad it's quieted down with that pairing.

there's honestly just not that much chronohaul/i dont read a lot of it but what is see is like, honestly pretty chaste childhood friends to lovers type stuff tbh

there's like one person who does nemotohaul and they draw a doctor's office au where overhaul has giant tiddies and wears panties and i literally wish them nothing but the best and happiness in life (satori on twit)

i used to be way more up-to-date and in the culture of shipping/bnha/fic stuff and probably better equipped to answer this question but its been like, idk 4 years or something now into bnha and dabihaul and overhaul like...... which interpretation of him do you want lol. we've got like so many interations of aus and the canon compliant aus like the things rattling around in his little pink brain and what i think makes him tick and how.......

he's so obsessed with control and his construction of his little world and exerting power over it, it his quirk perfectly reflects that. he is so uptight his ass could turn coal into a diamond. speaking of, he would never put his dick in anyone i truly believe that. u would need to gargle antiseptics before u could blow him. the desperate grasp he has on control and his routines in his little dainty white gloves has to break it has to be broken if necessary. his kind of ugly business man and also baby phat brand ambassador fashion... his one ear peirced, his lashes, his ALL MEN ORGANIZATION everything is so sterile and like. repression is one thing but his whole 8pods base was built because he was stuck in the closet and started to DIG. daily affirmations are ''i am in control i am going to change the world and i am masc''.

but im also like, not taking myself seriously because im not that smart im not a writer im not that good at explaining things and why would i be explaining things from 4 yrs ago that im still on and talking about n stuff they're all concrete to me. but also i like to have fun. but also my specific tastes in playing dollhouse with fictional characters is also like, i've refaced and customized a bratz doll and thats my little malewife girlboy wife husband catboy catgirl baby bird. yknow what i mean.

[ratcandy]

Subcon Forest Analysis

Hi everyone I'm here to spill my aggressive overflowing thoughts on Subcon Forest and what it represents because it's been driving me insane since I finished the Sleepy Subcon time rift. Okay let's go. Obvious spoilers for AHIT ahead so proceed with caution.

This is also very, very long.

Disclaimer/warning: I will be discussing abusive/unhealthy relationships in this analysis. I mean. Vanessa. Come on. Also, there is a section on the nooses, and that delves, of course, into mentions of suicide. It will be sectioned off and easily skipped, but if you'd rather be safe and skip the entire post, that's completely understandable! Please stay safe. <3

Alright. Main point to be had here:

Subcon Forest is a giant extended metaphor for Snatcher's mind and character.

You all get to now listen to me spout nonsense about metaphors and symbolism because I'm a sucker for analysis and I'm given an opportunity to go ham. So perish.

The Ice

Let's start with the most obvious and most glaring thing in Subcon. The ice. It's everywhere. Not just outside Vanessa's manor, either; no, it's throughout the village, too. Shows up in the well and in random locations sprinkled about. When it comes to literal plot, we know that ice is just what lingers after Vanessa's wintery curse on Subcon. But going deeper and analyzing the meaning behind it?

Well, let's look at this from the perspective I've suggested. Subcon Forest being an extended metaphor for Snatcher's mind and character. A symbol for Vanessa then litters his mind, enough where it's certainly noticeable at first but blends in more easily once more of Subcon is unlocked to Hat Kid. This is clearly meant to be his lingering trauma, whether or not he wants to acknowledge it. Which he doesn't, as he never mentions it directly in his forest (that I can recall). Her influence plagues him, as to be expected with the traumatic experiences he went through with her. Breaking the ice is something Hat Kid must do in order to fulfill the wishes of the Fire Spirits (another subject I'll get into shortly), which, if self-indulgently playing with the found family idea, could mean that Hat Kid is helping him heal; if indirectly. Even if fulfilling the Fire Spirits' wish to die is... counterproductive, in that measure, which I'm now getting ahead of myself so hold on a sec!!

Vanessa. Ice. Everywhere. Traces of it all over his forest. That's the effects of an abusive relationship! Especially in a worst-case scenario where... yknow! One party in the relationship dies! So of course ice would be everywhere.

In and of itself, ice is a common symbol in literature and other forms of media. In this case, it's presented as an antagonistic force; emphasis is placed upon freezing and the harm that comes with it. The cold is unwelcoming, threatening, merciless. Snow can act as an insulating force, at least, but ice cannot. It can only make things colder.

A slight stretch: Seeing as this game deals a lot with time shenaniganry, I'm not sure if it'd be too out of left field to connect "freezing" with the theme of time. Yknow. Frozen in time. Both parties here, Snatcher and Vanessa, would be in this frozen state. One largely repressing it and never fully moving on, and the other doomed to her isolation ever since the event in question. They never moved past that moment after the Prince and florist's interaction.

The Fire Spirits (& the Portraits)

I'll put a slight warning here for suicidal ideation, if only because... it's the Fire Spirits we're talking about. It's not as grossly in-detail as the noose discussion will be, though, so make of that what you will.

To me, the Fire Spirits are a very interesting case. After all, they're fire. They're a direct contrast to the ice, thus being the only thing we're shown that could potentially melt it. The Fire Spirits, in my opinion, represent hope or a strength to continue. A strength to move on after troubles of the past.

...And that hope wants to die.

The Fire Spirits wish to burn out, to leave this mortal coil and abandon the forest to the cold. They make no effort to melt the ice, they simply dance, blissfully ignorant towards their surroundings. This being a metaphor for Snatcher's own hope for moving on is made all the more obvious by the fact he wants them gone. The first contract is to kill the Fire Spirits, to kill the hope. Perhaps he believes that sort of thing to be fruitless or naïve, so it only clutters his mind or has him foolishly optimistic at points. So, get rid of it. And the hope is happy to oblige.

(That, or their willingness to leave the forest to its own suffering and not aid in the ice's thaw angers him. Besides the whole "bark bark growl I can't get to parts of my forest because of them!!" which... also could represent a naïve hope clouding his judgement, not allowing him to see a bigger picture. But hope can't all be lost if one wants to move forward...)

A little side-tangent now on the portraits! And it's another slight stretch but the idea is in my head and I can't let it go. Portraits are another common symbol, usually being a physical representation of a memory or idea. For our purposes, let's say they're memories. I know in canon they appear to just hold souls captive or something but for now we're just Ignoring That(tm). The Fire Spirits have to burn the portraits to disappear. See where I'm going with this, maybe?

Instead of handling bad memories (or perhaps memories of the past in general) in any healthy manner, Snatcher chooses to forget/repress them, which just allows his hope to progressively die out.

I'm really hoping this is making sense because it makes a lot of sense to me but I might be insane rn

The Fact that this is a Forest

Forest symbolism breakdown! What's a forest usually mean in literature? "Traditionally, the forest has come to represent being lost, exploration and potential danger as well as mystery and 'other worldliness'." Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. That certainly works with the whole aesthetic we've got going on. Wood usually is life, growth and strength. But the trees of subcon are all dead. So what about that? It stands for death, big whoop, very spooky, we know Snatcher's dead and so are the children, yadda yadda wowie wowie. But. :) The trees in Subcon look a lot like trees that were scorched in a forest fire. Don't believe me?

(You could also argue they're just regular marsh/swamp trees bUT SSHHSUUHSH HANG ON HEAR ME OUT LOOK LOOK,)

What I believe to have happened was a controlled fire to rid the forest of the majority of its ice and snow. Likely done by Snatcher. It leaves behind a very desolate, depressing, barren scene... but. What else do dead/burnt trees symbolize? Rebirth. After all, controlled fires happen to make way for new trees to take the place of old ones. Some trees only drop seeds in fires/hot temperatures, so new ones take root and begin anew. Weird. It's almost like... I dunno. Snatcher was given some sorta second chance, given he's not just a corpse in Vanessa's cellar. So were the subconites. Another life given then by Snatcher. All connected I tell ya!!

Generally, aside from that, forests have many connotations. Mystery, isolation, claustrophobia; a place to dwell on regrets, or the past; to worry over one's future; to seek escape from or escape inside of... hmgmrnmm!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- T / W -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Nooses

The t/w is given at the top and another cut-off point will follow the bottom of this, for those that would like to skip. This will delve into talk of suicide and abusive tactics used by abusers. Please don't read if it will upset you or make you feel unsafe!!!

Personally, I cannot stand the nooses, but that's just due to my own triggers. Were there a way to hide those from the game or replace the damned talking ones with anything else. I would take it. In a heartbeat. But I can still appreciate the potential analysis to be had with them. So now i'm gonna talk about it despite how uncomfortable it will make me to do so. yEa

So, what about 'em? There are three types of nooses seen in Subcon. At least that I remember but I didn't really go looking for them. Empty ones, ones containing empty subconites, and the talking ones.

Nooses in general obviously can hint towards suicidal thoughts or behaviors of the characters that interact with them. If saying Subcon is Snatcher's mind, it could suggest that he suffered from some sort of suicidal thoughts in life (or currently, if second death is possible... or if he never truly died... or maybe he's trying to figure that out...which has given me... a separate idea...uh oh). But. And hear me out. Different perspective.

A talking noose. I hate them with a fiery passion that is unmatched. But think of the packed symbolism of a noose that talks. And think more about what it says. "I wouldn't mind being strapped around a cute neck like yours." "Be careful now, I don't want to see you meet a miserable end anywhere, but with me." Oddly, a lot of what the noose says seems almost... endearing? One could argue it's a way of luring someone to put it around their necks, which in and of itself is a whole lot to unpack when it comes to suicidal thoughts beckoning one forward; painting itself as something romantic, almost. But. Here's a wild idea, now. What if the nooses, at least the talking ones, are another symbol for Vanessa?

They're tinted blue, after all. While Vanessa's scheme is more red, one could argue two things: One, ice. Blue. Ice. yeah. Or two, the fact that Snatcher's scheme is more purple. Blue and red... make... purple. So, for all we know, Snatcher's current state was a compound effort between suicidal thoughts and Vanessa's treatment of him. Perhaps he even found a way to put himself out of his misery before freezing/starving to death. (I know he has dialogue that argues against that, but... are we certain Snatcher would be the kind to admit suicide over freezing to death?... I don't think so.)

At any rate, a common threat by those in "control" of an abusive relationship is that of killing themselves should the other person not do as they desire. It's a cruel form of emotional manipulation to get their way, worse off if the other party is an empathetic individual. As a person who has been the empathetic individual in relationships like this... I would know. I've been here, unfortunately So, it's not completely out of the question to say Vanessa could've used some tactic like that, even before the whole... cellar ordeal. Did she? I dunno. I'm tossing ideas around. But if she did, the threats of such would sit around in the Prince's mind easily. Even if she has a reputation of not going through with it. It doesn't matter. That shit sticks with you forever, that scare, the potential of it ever being true, is horrifying and it ruins you. I'm projecting, Squirtle.

Still. A noose cannot hang itself. It has to have a victim.

...yea.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- T / W PASSED -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Misc. Ideas

- The spiders: Aside from the usual things spiders can be chalked up to symbolizing - toxicity, alluring danger, just... general pain - I like the potential wordplay that can happen here. Yknow. A black widow. Say the Prince and Vanessa were married when one died. What would that leave Vanessa? A widow. ...She's red and black, too. Yknow. Like a black widow. HA wordplay is fun isn't it?

- Snatcher's tree: Love this place, love sitting in here. But not the point! The inside of Snatcher's tree is such a harsh juxtaposition to the rest of Subcon that it kinda throws ya off guard. After all, the dark, purples and blues then contrasted with the bright warm colors of the inside. Even the music switches over. The thorns outside aren't present indoors. Ohh yeah this is gonna be on the nose as hell but the Tree(tm) is 100% representing Snatcher's appearance/put-on personality vs. his truer nature. Spooky outside with thorns, foreboding, unwelcoming. Then the more comfortable interior. VULnerable. Have I even mentioned that the tree is HOLLOW I mean COME ON. The sturdiness of that tree? Nonexistent. He's not a sturdy guy at all no matter how he fronts

- Intrusions are unwelcome: Snatcher does not like the fact that Hat Kid sticks around in his forest. His personal space. His mind. In fact he tries desperately to get rid of her after their fight, not wanting her presence in his forest at all. He has no problem providing more contracts later on with the Death Wish thing, and he finds great entertainment in messing around with Hat Kid, so it's not just a weird sudden hatred he has for her; it's the fact that. After she's finished being useful, he no longer wants her around, lest she find some things she shouldn't find. Now he's just uncomfortable with her in his personal boundaries. Could just be a denial that she's helped him heal (breaking ice, stealing from Vanessa, being something interesting for his kids to interact with) or just not really wanting a child to get wrapped up in. All that. Most likely the former. Considering the amount of joke-hints he drops regarding his background during his Death Wish dialogue. I see you funny man, making jokes out of your trauma as a coping mechanism. Punts him

Annnd I think that's all I got, for now! I'll make an update post if I get any more sporadic ideas. If you read this whole thing, thank you!! and also!! Wow that was a lot!! Hell world. Please feel free to elaborate on any of my points or debate with me on em!! I'm always open to other ideas, just be aware that if I disagree I am not shy when it comes to debate hehehe, tho I won't be aggressive to any extent I prommy!!

Alrighty. goes to sleep goodnight

[amysubmits]

Hi :)

Different anon here, opposite problem. I wish I had a list of "must" to do during the day, him micro-managing my free time with tasks and such because I easily get distracted (I call it depression but I don't know whether it's that or just boredom that won't let me do much) and I forget- so at the end of the day I'll be postponing tasks on my phone. Yuck. The rare times when he asks me to do something then he won't follow up to check if I did it, because he trusts me, I guess. And he's always "Can you do this..." when I told him many times I'd like him to be a bit more strict. 😕

I guess if he's not a dominant inside I just can't make him or fix him? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry it's taken me a while to answer, I've been busier than usual.

I have several different beliefs related to this that all coexist.

1) I agree that if someone isn't naturally inclined for dominance, you can't turn them into a dom, which I think was your core point at the end there.

I truly don't mean to poke at you. So I hope my intention comes across here. I really think your wording about 'making him' or 'fixing him' is worth reflecting on a bit. Is that wording representative of how you're feeling about him? If it's not natural to him but you could 'make' him, would you actually want to make him change into something that isn't natural to him? And do you really think he needs 'fixed' if he's not dominant? I don't imagine that is really what you believe, but if that's the instinctual way that you're viewing it, I think it would be helpful to try to change your perspective a bit. I think imagining it in reverse is a good way to put it into perspective. If he wanted you to be dominant but it wasn't right for you, and he referred to it as wanting to fix you or he was curious if he could somehow make you dominant...wouldn't that really hurt?

2) While I don't think anyone can be 'turned into' a dom, I do think it's very possible for someone to have natural dominance in them that just isn't being embraced. A lot of people grow up hearing about how relationships should always be "equal", or how being controlling is bad, or how wanting power over another person is bad, all sorts of things along those lines. So I think it's pretty common for people who are naturally dominant to try to repress those desires or instincts because they think they're bad. CD told me once that he used to assume that everyone wanted control. Which is a funny idea to me because that's never been true for me at all...but I think it's natural for people to assume that their natural desires are probably shared by most other people, like that. And there are people within the D/s community here who have shared things about how after agreeing to D/s, many doms still struggle with hesitating to continue to take control because anytime they get any hint of their sub struggling with submission, or anytime they resist or 'brat' at all, it makes them feel bad and makes them worry that their sub doesn't actually want them to be in control, so they stop leading. It can be a long-term process for some doms to 'rewire' their brains to accept that it's okay to be dominant.

3) I believe people have a natural 'style' of D/s, at least to some degree. So I think it's possible for a natural dom and a natural sub to be together, but for their D/s styles to be too different for them to be able to create a dynamic that works well for both people. So I don't think it's necessarily fair to think that if someone isn't willing/able to be dominant in one specific way, that it means they aren't dominant. They may just not be that type of dominant.

4) I think dominance can naturally ebb and flow. Things like mental health, stress level, physical wellness, ad just how well their needs are being met in general, can impact how dominant someone is able to be "in practice". If two people had equal amounts of natural dominance (I know that's a silly concept to act like it can be measured but idk how else to frame it) but 'dom a' is overworked, poor, doesn't have time to take care of themselves well, rarely has time for their hobbies, and their partner doesn't do anything to help feed their dominance or perhaps even does things that make them feel less dominant....and 'dom b' has a good work/life balance, has time for self care, time to get enough sleep regularly, time to engage in hobbies and their partner is in the same boat so they have plenty of quality time together to enjoy each other and the sub does the things that help feed his dominance...I'd expect 'dom b' to express a lot more dominance than 'dom a'.

So, I think all four of those could potentially be factors in whether or not someone is dominant deep down, and also how they're able to express their dominance. I have no idea how many of these may apply to your partner but hopefully just the basic ideas help somewhat.

[matchstickdolly]

Lucifer 5B: Cutting off Touch to Spite Your Fans

Spoiler warning: This post assumes you've watched all of Lucifer, season 5, part B.

CW: There's plenty I like about season 5, but this is a negative post. I know not everyone is up for negativity about the things they love. I also generally avoid it and (try to) keep my mouth shut about things I don’t like in most spaces. It’s good etiquette. But this is my space, and I have thoughts specifically about purity culture and the treatment of sexuality and trauma in fiction. You’ve been warned!

---

I'm a professional writer (not in TV). I've worked with enough bad clients, editors, and other writers to recognize some hallmark behaviors in how both Fox and Netflix gave Lucifer's writers incredibly difficult, unfair, and frankly weird situations to create through.

Fox did them dirty, interfering and ordering too many eps in S3. Netflix did them dirty, ordering 10 eps for S4 when it clearly needed ~13. Then Netflix ordered 10 "final" eps for S5—then, just kidding(!), 6 more after they'd done their writing for the 10. (What the fuck?) And then Netflix ordered 10 more for a "final-final" S6 after the writers had done their best to tell their whole story in S5. (MORE what the fuck.)

Talk about whiplash for creators, and half of those who consume content don't even care to understand such creative pain.

So, there are problems on multiple fronts. There's much I'll forgive writers, accordingly. I go into most shows expecting plotting/pacing issues. I look, instead, for characters and relationships that will triumph over those issues.

Heart is what the show Lucifer has always had in spades, both in its characters and in the immensely committed, wonderful ways the actors have tried to realize the characters' humor, love, trauma, and—most importantly—struggle to find healing. Yet, when given the opportunity to show health alongside another in a relationship, the writers/directors of 5B chose to remove most sexual humor and physical intimacy from their female lead and bi/pan characters to, I feel, sanitize them and troll fans. What happened?

Well, for one, say hi to showrunner Joe Henderson bragging about how the writers decided to be colossal dicks to the fans who helped secure their jobs:

From CBR's 'Lucifer Showrunner Joe Henderson Dissects Season 5B's Chaos'

Have we not suffered sidelined/repressed female characters, "bury your gays," and, oh, Chloe fucking a serial killer enough? Must we also say hello to neutered relationships once characters find stable love (whether same or opposite sex)? The result of withdrawing more sexual humor and physical intimacy from paired characters is an uncomfortable suggestion that they're reformed by "pure" love—more chaste and aloof, more acceptable in polite society. This is only done to end-game committed relationships.*

The writers seem to think they're edging the viewers, but the reality is they're taking traumatized minority characters who rejoiced in sexual freedom, but lacked and craved an emotional connection, and showing they can't have both, or, if they find both, it will never last. They've taken hypersexual characters and said, here, even they can have the love and commitment they desire, but some physical intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, is what they must trade for it.

There's always one more case, phone call, or coincidence interrupting intimacy. Traumas or deaths deserving emotional and physical comfort go on to receive none or only one aspect. Done sometimes, it's fine. Done always, it's sick. Dan dies, and there's no hugging? Really?†

Don't craft characters who crave a full range of emotional and physical intimacy, only to rob them of related scenes every chance you get. That's not complexity. That's bad writing. To even achieve this in 5B, they must squash banter and sideline their female lead yet again.

What a gift to purity culture, which tells us to be more palatable by bottling and buttoning up. That sex should be taboo, but violence glorified. That there is no heated desire among "Good Women," that sexual minorities of all genders shouldn't experience it much at all.

5A is so good. At the very least, it's on the right path (clearly, since the plot payoff from 5x01 to 5x16 is great). It shows a couple working through difficulties and trauma, toward each other emotionally and physically. It even pokes fun at people who think an established relationship means the death of romantic and sexual appeal (a tired and hugely sexist trope). And then... And then 5B reverses that, pretending established relationships are barely physical during emotional struggle and that the honeymoon phase doesn't exist. It robs characters of joy and comfort through physical intimacy when they need it to move through or push beyond trauma.

It's telling that so many fan wishes for Deckerstar are about healing touch and existing in each other's spaces: amending Chloe's spicy PDA history with Cain, Chloe caring for Lucifer's wings, soft family scenes a la Monopoly night and shared meals, morning-afters, etc. Reasonable fans aren't asking for porn; they're asking for connection and humanity. They're asking for writers not to forget characters (and, yes, including hypersexual characters) on their way from Point A to Point B.

That 5B lacks these things isn't a "tee-hee frustrating" slow burn or a cockblock. It is, in so many scenes, excising from characters a core part of what nearly every human and fictional monster craves. And it's a slap in the face to the "found family" trope. When you remove or tamp down a casual physical intimacy that was previously there, characters and their relationships fall flat, even if only partially. They become blunt weapons creators wield against watchers or readers begging for scraps of warmth.

Minorities shouldn't be killed off with ease, and they shouldn't be stifled with ease, either.‡ And maybe there shouldn't be deep trauma driving a wedge in a romantic relationship if you're not going to explore it through that relationship, too—physical intimacy included.

I'm still reserving some judgment. I loved the family drama and the end. (Although, again, where was the physical intimacy? No intimacy when Chloe or Lucifer return from the dead? Really?) I see where they could do awesome things, and could have done more if not for network BS.

But I no longer trust Lucifer's writers and directors. They thought S5 was the end. And what they gave us of Deckerstar, of the relationship that symbolizes health and healing in their fictional world, is this: cold distance. And they got a kick out of doing it, apparently.

If this is a "love letter" to me as a fan, I'm burning it. I can only hope S6 course corrects. If not, the writers who made these choices shouldn't write sexual minority and/or traumatized characters again. If you don't understand most of us, you should stop fucking using us.

---

* If you don't believe me about the differences between casual/short-term relationships and end-game relationships in Lucifer, go back and look at how Lucifer and Maze are with strangers in all the other seasons. Look at Chloe's sex dream, her propositioning of Lucifer in a library, her sex with Pierce in the evidence closet. Look at how much physical intimacy there is between Lucifer and Eve, and then between Eve and Maze (if only as a ploy). Across seasons, there are sex/kink jokes and scenes galore.

Compare this to how these same characters are portrayed when with their end-game loves. Notice the gentle pecks on the lips and the huge general drop in sexual humor between 5A and 5B. How boring. Where's the spice these characters had? Also, give me a damn break. Buttoning up in a relationship is contrary to four and a half seasons of emotional character work that's been communicating security in our relationships is personally freeing.

† I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy in this post, though that is a big part of it because of the characters. 5B lacked crucial found family scenes, too.

Chloe should have been at God's family dinner, but being so would have prevented more ham-fisted angst. Chloe never even has a one-on-one with God, probably because that would demand a straight answer about her miracle status, which I would guess will be used to drive yet another wedge between her and Lucifer next season, but we'll see.

In multiple before- and after-work scenes, there was no reason for Lucifer and Chloe to be apart more, even, than they were in S1 and S2. Monopoly night was in S3, for crying out loud. Most horrifying of all? No one touches Chloe after Dan's death, but Trixie. Meanwhile, Linda, Amenadiel, Ella, Maze, and Lucifer all receive physical comfort. No wonder Chloe's tired of being strong.

‡ If you don't think it's offensive that they stuffed all their wlw content for two hypersexual characters into a few clunky, irrational, and chaste scenes that rushed I love yous, a marriage-like proposal, and the mention of soulmates, I don't know what to tell you other than get off my lawn.

[blindingdutchy]

lamentation | SEVEN

{peter parker x fem!reader AU}

based on All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

SERIES MASTERLIST

word count: 4,000

warnings: fluff. angst. language. not even sure why i warn for angst anymore this whole story is just angsty af

18+!!! minors stay away!

In the following few weeks, you realized two things. One: Peter Parker was definitely not subtle. The other being that you were definitely in way over your head. There was no denying the stupid butterflies in your stomach anymore, or the way you found yourself expecting his touch before it even came.

It seemed as though the two of you were like magnets; a constant tug gravitating the pair of you back to each other with an unstoppable force. If you weren't together, he was on your mind, and like he could sense you thinking of him he'd be quick to reach out in some way or another. Be it appearing at your side, all happy grins and playful eyes, or calling your phone no matter the time with his stupidly adorable stutter--Peter seemed to think of you just as much as you thought of him.

The more that you thought of him, the more that you wished you didn't. It was terrifying. You wished that you could pull away again, to push him back out of your heart and lock those iron bars tight once more, but your heart had grown selfish and stubborn. It was as if you were the one locked out anymore; the control over your feelings slipping further and further from your clutches with every toothy smile Peter sent your way.

Like a magnet, he held you in place. Oh, to be held by... You slapped a pillow over your face and screamed, holding it so tightly that your nose ached and you couldn't breath. Peter Parker was like a disease. A stupid, all-consuming, utterly infatuating disease of the mind and the spirit.

You knew that you were wasting time, undoubtedly causing yourself to risk being late for school with every minute that passed as you continued to lay in your bed, but you couldn't bring yourself to get up. Already, your mother and father both had knocked at your door on multiple occasions and questioned if you were sick, and now you were regretting saying no. It would have been so easy to avoid him if you'd just played hookie.

But, with midterms in the near future, you knew it wasn't the best idea. The realization had come to you in the night. A moment so insignificant, so mundane, but it had been as if a switch were flipped in your mind. A light was turned on, so to speak, and illuminated all the thoughts and emotions you'd been so tirelessly repressing.

Talking on the phone with Peter was like a drug, and talking on the phone to him at night was a dangerous game. Under the dull light of a crescent moon and the ridiculous teddy-bear night light that was plugged into your wall, a lingering remnant of your sister's presence in the space, your inhibitions were always low. With sleepiness your walls were always lowered, and he'd unknowingly put a fatal crack in the foundation.

You rolled onto your stomach on your bed, kicking your feet through the air like a little kid as you fought back the grin that always seemed to worm its way across your lips when you were talking to him. "So, how do you like Ned and MJ?" Peter asked, and you could almost picture him mirroring your position as you heard the quiet rustle of blankets over the line. A little giggle bubbled out of your mouth at the thought.

What a sight that would be, Peter kicking his legs to and fro like a school girl in love. "They're cool. I kinda like that MJ doesn't even pretend to hide the fact that she thinks I'm weird. I don't--I don't know, it's refreshing I guess. Ned's sweet." you rambled, and it was the truth.

Ned and MJ were easily slipping into the fortress that shielded your heart with every passing day. Somehow, it wasn't as terrifying as you'd expected it to be. Perhaps that was because they didn't harbor a secret identity with which they risked their lives every single night, or maybe it was just because you'd come to realize that letting people in wasn't so bad. Not everyone was going to die on you.

Michelle Jones really didn't pretend not to think you were weird, not even a little bit. Her blunt and honest nature was a nice change from the quiet stares that seemed to follow your every move; MJ wasn't much for staring. Rather, she boldly told you what she was thinking without any shred of doubt.

And Ned, sweet Ned Leeds, was like a puppy personified. Always happy, always smiling, and always waiting to offer you compliments when you approached. You couldn't remember the last time someone had dared compliment your hair, your smile, or your outfits. Ned made it impossible to feel anything but comfort and joy in his presence, even his awkward nature was endearing.

"I'm glad." Peter hummed, "They really like you. To be honest, though, I kinda like it when it's just us. Maybe I should have waited a little longer to share you."

There was a pang in your chest at his words. Peter had been subtly flirting with you for days now, but this was more direct. He didn't have to come right out and say it for his implications to come across loud and clear, and that magnetic pull grew stronger.

So strong, in fact, that you murmured back, "I like it when it's just us, too."

If you had just kept your mouth shut, maybe he wouldn't have been so bold as to say, "Not gonna let them steal your heart from me, are you?"

The words were right at the tip of your tongue. Your heart was screaming, never! Nobody could ever steal me away from you, Peter! Yet, your mind was racing with a million and one horrible thoughts that made you feel as though your mouth was full of mud.

The silence between yourself and Peter grew thick as it drew on, no words escaping your lead-like lips. The voice in your brain, the one that sounded like your sister yet you knew was not her, was ringing in your ears. How could you ever fall in love, when she never could? How could you give your heart away, when she never had the chance?

You took that chance away from her. You stole it. This thing, whatever the weird force between the two of you was, was all stolen time, stolen opportunities, and stolen lives.

"Good night, (Y/N). I'll see you at school?"

You whispered, "Yes." The line went dead, and you felt cold.

Those simple words from Peter, with meaning and intention that was far from simple, were all it took to send the walls, bars, and barbed wire around your heart crumbling into nothing. With no protection, no barrier between yourself and the dangers of everyone else, your mind was working on overdrive. It would have been so easy to let him in, had that voice remained quiet, and yet you were steadily building those bricks back into place.

Now, all that was left to do was to steal your heart back. When had he managed to take it from you? Had he snuck in during the night, slipping through the strategically placed cracks and weak points he'd created, and stole away with it undetected? Had he taken it that first night, without you ever noticing?

As you finally released the pressure over the pillow on your face, sucking in a shaky breathe and letting all the heavy things crash over you again, tears burned your eyes. You didn't want to push Peter away. You didn't want to be the reason he was hurt, upset, or angry--you weren't ready to be the villain in his story.

"Mom?" you called out, knowing she was lingering close by.

Proving you correct, the door to your bedroom cracked open only seconds later and your mother's worried eyes fell upon your blinking ones. She definitely saw the troubled look on your face, the tears in your eyes, yet she held back from mentioning any of it as she asked, "Are you sick, honey?"

You nodded, the lump in your throat aiding your act as you croaked, "Yes. I don't feel good."

She frowned a little, knowing that you were bending the truth of the matter. Your mother was perceptive, and with the emotion all over your face, it easy for her to know that this wasn't some stomach bug or sore throat. To your relief, though, she resigned, "I'll call you out of school for the day. I'll be in my office if you need me."

Tomorrow, you could be the villain. For today, though, you were content to avoid your troubles and wallow in your self pity. At least this way you had some time to slip back into your stoic, cold demeanor before you had to face him. Time to prepare yourself to be alone again, because you knew that once you pushed Peter Parker away, Ned and MJ would be quick to follow him.

Sleep didn't come for you like you hoped it would. Well, it did, but then you found yourself dreaming of Peter and woke with a start. School had started an hour ago, and already there were a flurry of confused and increasingly alarmed messages from him lighting up your phone screen. Even though you couldn't hold back from reading them, you locked it before you found yourself replying as if on autopilot.

Pete: are you late

Pete: i'm at your locker

Pete: hello?

Pete: i'm going to class... see you there?

Pete: are you okay? you said you'd be here

Pete: at least let me know you're aldkhdkfj

You spent the day in your room, ignoring Peter and ignoring the world. Occasionally your mother would crack open your door to check on you, fussing over feeling your forehead despite the fact that you both knew you didn't have a fever, and tittering little comments about getting rest and staying hydrated. She knew you weren't sick, yet you were grateful she didn't try to pry.

As much as you wanted to tell her all of the things that were on your mind, the reasons that you were upset, you couldn't. You couldn't tell her all of the awful things you were thinking, and see the way her face would contort in anguish over you. You certainly couldn't listen to her telling you that it wasn't your fault, you weren't wrong for liking a boy, and your sister would want you to be happy. Even if you knew, in some deep part of your brain, that it was true.

Pete: got my phone taken in calculus sorry

Pete: I'm at lunch now, are you okay?

Pete: are you sick?

Pete: like... actually sick?

Peter really was relentless. You wondered how long it would take for him to catch onto what you were doing, or if he would at all. Would he understand why you suddenly gave him the cold shoulder? Would he understand, and be okay when you pushed him away again?

Pete: I'm in speech now.

Pete: we got the class to work on the speech and you're not here

Pete: not that we could do much anyways since you're so stubborn but still

Pete: okay what is going on

Pete: (Y/N)

Pete: please talk to me

Reading all of his messages kept the ache in your chest alive, stopping the numbness from creeping back in. You wished you could put your phone down, turn it off even, but it was like a cruel an addicting game to read each message as it arrived. You found yourself watching the little three dots as he typed another message eagerly, even if he was far from happy.

When school ended, he called. You let it ring each time, watching his name scroll across your screen over and over again until it ended. Once, twice, three times--he finally stopped calling, not leaving a voicemail.

For awhile, you wondered if that was it. Was he done? Had he caught on? Had he figured you out just as easily as he always seemed to do? Had Peter given up?

Pete: i know what you're doing

Pete: i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable

Pete: we can just be friends if that's what you want

It wasn't what you wanted, and that was the problem. You didn't want to be friends with Peter Parker. Well, you didn't want to just be friends with him. You wanted to know what his touch felt like when it was deliberate and welcoming, not the fleeting and curious brushes of his skin on yours. To be held by him, to taste his lips, to hold his heart in your hands like he already held yours--you wanted so much more than friendship with Peter, and that made you a thief and a fraud.

You: that's not what i want

You were weak. A weak, cowardly idiot is what you were, and you threw your phone on your bed with a groan as you realized what you'd done. The voice in your mind whispered insults, taunting you for being so easily broken.

Pete: what do you mean

You: i don't want to be friends with you Peter

Pete: oh

One simple word, and you realized he had taken that in a completely different way than you had meant it. Yet, you didn't correct him. You didn't explain that you meant you didn't want to just be friends. Maybe this was your chance--an easy way to kick him outside your walls without having to see it firsthand.

The chance didn't last long. A quiet knock sounded on your window, and your heart froze in your chest as you tried to sink deeper into your bed. It was the wind, you told yourself, until the knock sounded again and slightly louder. You could see the shadow on your floor out of the corner of your eye, and you buried your face into your pillow to block it out. If you ignored him, he would go away, and this would all be over.

After a few more knocks, it was silent for awhile, and you tempted a look at the floor only to frown at the sight of the shadow missing. He was gone, and you were alone again. Your lip quivered at the thought; what had you done? It was a mistake. This was a mistake.

You didn't want to push him away. You wanted him to hold your heart. You wanted Peter Parker as your friend, as more than a friend, hell, as anything as long as it was with you. But now? Going back on your word and dragging him back in again would be pathetic. He didn't deserve such treatment, especially not from you.

So, you pulled your pillow back over your face and let the tears fall. Your hot breath burned your eyes and made you feel sticky and gross, but you didn't care one bit. It felt cathartic to cry, like returning to a familiar place you'd been skirting around for ages. Crying over Peter was different than crying over your sister; the hurt was different, but one thing was the same: both were all your fault.

"Go away, mom." you whined, barely hearing the sound of your door unlatching over your muffled sniffles. It creaked further open, and you groaned, pressing the pillow harder onto your face, "Mom, please, I just want to be alone."

A throat cleared, and you froze. That wasn't your mother, the voice was deeper. The sound was still too light to be your father's, though, and that left one option that made your blood run cold. He didn't--did he?

He did. Peter pried the pillow out of your hands, all red cheeks and sad eyes as he stared at you in a sullen silence. "Why are you doing this?" he whispered, "Why are you pushing me away?"

You blinked at him, too paralyzed by the sight of his fluttering eyelids and pouting lips to speak. It must have been a sight to see you like that, your face red and blotchy, streaked with tears and snot that you'd been too lazy to wipe away. He didn't look away from your eyes, though, gazing into them with an intensity that dared you to look away.

Sensing that you weren't going to speak, he pressed on, "(Y/N), what is going on? I don't--It's okay if you don't like me back, I can deal with that. I want to be your friend, though. I thought you wanted to be mine, too."

Voice scratchy, you muttered, "I don't."

Something changed in him, and suddenly Peter was raking a hand through his hair as he frowned deeply. You wanted to smooth the crease between his brows, but you felt frozen. He was angry; he was angry with you, and he didn't hold back as he snapped, "That's bullshit, and you know it. If you didn't want to be friends, then why did you make that deal? Why did you let me make a complete fool of myself just to get your attention? Why did you let me introduce you to my friends? Stop lying to me!"

"I'm not!" you yelped, sitting up frantically and wiping at your face, finally. "I'm not lying, Pete!"

He threw his head back at the nickname, a sigh of exasperation forcing its way from his lips, nostrils flared. "I don't get you, (Y/N). I don't get you at all." he growled, facing you again with a heavy brow.

You gripped your blankets tightly, bunching them around your waist as you blinked at him with wide eyes. "I don't want to just be your friend, Peter!" you burst, "I don't want to just be your friend, and I don't know why. You make me feel all these things that terrify me, but I keep chasing after you and whatever those things are! It was so easy being alone, okay? Then suddenly you came swinging into my life and made everything so--so complicated!"

Your mother's face peered into your room, eyes blown wide in surprise, but the moment you glanced at her she backed away with a bitten smile and you flushed. You didn't get the chance to dwell on the fact that she'd been eavesdropping, though, because Peter sat on the edge of your bed and bit the inside of his cheek, blinking at you with teasing eyes.

"So, you like me?"

Eyes narrowed, you grumbled, "Are you really going to make me say it, Pete? After all of that?"

A sly grin stretched across his lips, cheeks puffing out adorably and making you bite your own to keep from grinning too. He tutted, raising his ruffled brow as he jabbed, "After everything else today? I think it's the least you could do."

You were screwed. His fingertips barely caressed the backs of your knuckles, and you shakily grabbed them before he pulled away again. "I like you, jerk." you mumbled, screwing your eyes shut as you felt your face burn in embarrassment.

Peter just chuckled, squeezing your hand as you felt your bed shift under his weight. "I don't want to just be your friend, either." his breathe fanned over your cheek, and your eyes snapped open to find his face closer than ever. If you just turned, ever so slightly, his lips would brush your own... He kissed your cheek softly, backing away with a tiny smile that you matched. "I like you a lot. Probably more than like, really."

"That scares me." you whispered, eyes still latched onto his, "Peter, you scare me."

He took a long moment to answer, weighing heavily the words he would utter next, before finally telling you, "You scare me, too, but I think it's worth it."

A gentle tapping at your door crashed through the moment, both of your faces burning a deep red as you turned to face your mother's sheepish smile. "Sorry, sorry, don't mind me--"

"Mom!" you wailed, slapping your hands over your face in mortification as she stealthily slipped into your room and dropped a box of condoms onto your dresser before racing away again. "Oh, I can't believe she--Mom! Did you really have to do that?"

Peter was laughing boisterously, head thrown back and eyes shut, though you could tell he was flustered too from the cherry red color that creeped down from his face and under his shirt. As humiliated as you were by your mother's actions, you couldn't help but to feel a little grateful for the interruption. The intensity, the tension in the air, had disappeared with the intrusion, and things felt a little bit lighter again.

You flopped back onto your bed, still pouting over the spectacle, as Peter breathed out, "That's so something Aunt May would have done, too."

At least you weren't alone in the embarrassing family department, you thought to yourself as Peter threw himself down beside you. She meant well, obviously, but did she really think that you and Peter were going to go from admitting you liked each other to ripping each other's clothes off in one night? Well, you were eighteen--maybe she had a bit of a reason to be so hasty.

"Do you think it's worth it?" Peter questioned, and you turned your head to face him, trying to ignore the close proximity of his face to your own. "Liking me?"

You chewed at your lip, listening for that voice in your head that had suddenly gone silent. "Yeah, yeah I do." you responded, and his face split in a blushing smile. You did think it was worth it, because being with him reminded you of all the good feelings you missed out on when he wasn't around. "I just wish we could have been like this before. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I'm stealing her life."

He grew serious in an instant, eyebrows furrowing as he stated, "I don't." At the sight of your confusion, he continued, "I don't wish we met before. Can you honestly say that you're the same person you were before?"

"No."

He nodded, "Exactly. Stuff like that... It changes you. I would know, remember? You wouldn't be the you that I like, and if Uncle Ben were here maybe I wouldn't be who you like, either."

You had to admit, he had a point. "I guess so." you pondered aloud.

"You're not stealing her life, either, (Y/N). She would have wanted you to be happy, to do all the things she never got to. It took me a long time to stop thinking that way, too, but I did. It wasn't your fault, and you can't miss out on stuff just because of her." Peter advised, and you swallowed down the lump that was growing steadily in your throat, "She didn't give up her life for you to stop living yours."

Fuck, Peter really knew exactly what to say. You, however, were at a loss for words. He said all of the things that you'd needed to hear for so long, so perfectly, and it rocked you to your core. How did he know just what you needed to hear? The answer was simple--because he knew you, and he knew how you were feeling. He knew, because he had lived it.

Changing the subject, you asked, "So, what do we do now?"

You didn't have to explain for him to understand, and he swallowed thickly, "Do you... will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yeah. That might be worth it."

He scoffed, "Might be? Forget it, I don't want you to be my--"

"I want to be your girlfriend, Pete!" you cut him off, laughing loudly. "I really, really want to." So, maybe you lied when you said that Peter made things complicated. In fact, Peter made things incredibly easy--and that made it worth it.

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