himawarihanahaki

[himawarihanahaki]

body, spiral

[himawarihanahaki]

ever since h1m4w4r1h4n4h4k1 got deleted I've been missing my mutuals so bad :( I won't post on this account anymore but please, if you guys somehow find it dm me!!

especially the one spefic person with the really long url I can't remember who wasn't out on tumblr and hated the map community in general, I miss talking to you so so much but I can't find you </3 I don't want you to feel isolated again since I know you don't feel welcomed by the general community, I'm sorry I never wrote your url down anywhere so I could find you

same goes to all my ex mutuals, please dm me I miss all of you </3 the one with the draculaura pfp, the one with the split lesbian and trans flags on their pfp, I miss you

[himawarihanahaki]

[himawarihanahaki]

[himawarihanahaki]

can’t stand a “don’t wish death on anybody” ass bitch

[himawarihanahaki]

Mahmoud Darwish, In the Presence of Absence // Ada Limón, "Lies About Sea Creatures" // Sherita Walker // @itsbaditsgood // Richard Siken, "I Had a Dream About You" // Richard Siken, "You Are Jeff" (8) // Richard Siken, "Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out" // @_demarmol on Instagram // Anne Sexton, "The Touch"

[himawarihanahaki]

Why I'm anti-contact and what it means to me

I've seen so many blogs using anti-contact/pro-contact to mean different things, so I just gave up on understanding the nuances and decided to just make a long post on my opinions on it.

Obvious part: is it ok to have romantic/sexual contact with children? No, not even with "consent" (which they can't give, saying yes when you don't understand what you're saying yes to isn't consent). If you disagree, not interacting with me isn't enough I need you to die.

Less obvious part: is it ok to talk to children without romantic/sexual intentions if you're a pedophile? no ♡

Reasons

- Bad for you:

Personally I've never had any kind of attachment to a kid, but just the thought of being in love with one and having to see them regularly makes me want to scream. I can't even begin to imagine how insane that would make me.

There's no good ending in that situation, because if you're a spineless creature with no morals or self control you'll probably end up doing something weird at best or monstrous at worse (bad), and if you're not you'll enter a spiral of repression and self loathing (bad).

The only reliable way to avoid that situation is to avoid kids as much as possible.

- (can be) Bad for everyone else:

Story time:

A few years ago, I found out that one of my old neighbors went to prison for possession of csem, which was made even worse by the fact that he was a teacher and I had been one of his students.

He never did anything to me specifically, but I have a lot of memories of talking to him, receiving gifts and spending recess with him sometimes. I know this sounds weird as fuck but I swear it was normal and every other teacher treated me basically the same because I was a friendless teacher's pet.

The point is that even though I can't tell you a single thing he did with me that was in any way inappropriate, just the fact that I know that I was a kid and he was a pedophile ruins everything. So many memories I have from between the ages of 6 to 8 ish that used to be sweet are tainted forever because now I know that he was probably thinking about fucking me on at least some of them. I haven't talked to anyone else who was his student at the time, but I'm sure almost everyone feels the same as me looking back.

His case is made worse by the fact that he wasn't a non offending one, but even if he was, I don't think it'd make a difference on what I personally feel when I look back at my memories with him.

That experience is the main reason I avoid any and all contact with kids, because if somehow it becomes public information that I'm a pedophile my suffering will be more than enough, I don't need someone to be wondering if I was thinking about fucking them that one time 8 years ago when we were talking about the weather or something. My goal is that every child I come across forgets me immediately or at most in a week and that I forget them just as fast.

About other people:

While I don't necessarily think everyone who interacts with kids (in a normal and appropriate way) is a bad person or has bad intentions, I do think they're being selfish and really wish they would think more about their actions and possible consequences.

I also find it incredibly suspicious, it's really hard to believe you're actually non offending if you go out of your way to talk to kids, but I guess you could just be a little stupid so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

[himawarihanahaki]

— PATHETIC 4 PATHETIC ; a pathetic being who has a dating preference for fellow pathetic beings

— coined by me ; req by n/a

— tagging ; @accessmogai

[himawarihanahaki]

First of all I am in treatment, second of all did you want me to keep your post on my blog after you showed that you didn't want me to orrrrrr?

WHY DOES THEIR BIO SAY NON PRACTICING PEDOPHILE. ITS GREAT YOURE NOT PRACTICING BUT SHOULDNT YOU BE IN TREATMENT FOR THAT?

AIAHWBW That's not what it said before. He also deleted his reblog lol

[himawarihanahaki]

Jesus christ how are you still talking about me? I deleted the reblog as soon as I realized you didn't want me to interact with you (which I had no way of knowing before) so what else do you want me to do

+ the superiority complex thing was something my ex therapist told me because I "think I'm better than offending pedophiles" (which I am)

— PATHETIC 4 PATHETIC ; a pathetic being who has a dating preference for fellow pathetic beings

— coined by me ; req by n/a

— tagging ; @accessmogai

[himawarihanahaki]

And at last, the Archivist looks up.

[himawarihanahaki]

literally

i will never understand like half of what is in the propara tags, im just floating around looking for chill people

i see big long words with -phile on the end and just go "ohhh good for you" in my head even though i have no idea what the fuck it means

im just here with my very cliche paraphilias, and i can vibe with the other two very cliche ones even if im not into them like that

[himawarihanahaki]

i have broken the spell of Hill House and somehow come inside. i am home, she thought, and wondered at the thought. i am home, i am home

i read the haunting of hill house for the first time in hopes that it would make me want to draw environments. whether or not i will actually commit to drawing more than a staircase remains to be seen, but the book was extremely good regardless so im very glad i read it.

[himawarihanahaki]

Daily checklist of affirmations:

Nothing wrong with me

Nothing wrong with me

Nothing wrong with me

Nothing wrong with me

[himawarihanahaki]

“You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me, and still come with me” Carmilla, 1872.

[himawarihanahaki]

what strain of weed will make me feel like i wasn't fundamentally broken from a young age

[himawarihanahaki]

Angels by Macoto Takahashi