#i wish i could get back into vulture culture more actively

[probably-lawrence]

cw self harm vent

started cutting again. i don’t really know why, but i just wanted to cut into my body. i’ve been depressed and dissociative lately so that’s probably a contributing factor, but i just craved the feeling of slicing into my skin. i’m not really a masochist, i don’t really like the pain and i hate how it feels afterwards, but something compels me to just. cut. but i worry about other people’s opinions and assumptions of me if they saw the cuts. thankfully it’s getting cooler out so i can cover up more easily.

[stardusthuntress]

Triggered

TBB x female!reader (pronouns only) 

Word Count: ~3.5k 

Summary: Tech accidentally triggers your body dysmorphia. The Bad Batch team up to prove to you that they all love you dearly. Angsty comfort fic. 

TW: This actively talks about body dysmorphia. Tried not to be too specific so it would be more generic and just comforting, but it does start with a kinda mean comment from Tech, he means well tho. No smut or nothing, but since it is potentially triggering for those with body dysmorphia, I am gonna label this as 18+. 

A/N: Just felt like this needed to be written. Based on my own personal struggles, but also inspired by a conversation with someone on here who might also struggle with this. Hope this helps at least one person out there. 

hyperspace dividers my own, tbb dividers by @/djarrex

Sitting in the cockpit, working on a project, Tech continues what is, to him, a normal conversation with the woman sitting next to him. 

“I have noticed you are shaped differently than most women.” 

He turns towards the copilot seat where she was sitting to find the seat spinning and vacant. He turns towards the door, only to see her exiting the ship. 

Echo appears in the doorway, a flash of anger on his face. “What did you do? Why was she so unhappy?” 

“I did not do anything,” Tech blinks at him in confusion. 

Hunter appears next to Echo. “He told her she’s ‘shaped differently than other women’.” Of course he heard the whole thing from the other end of the ship, but Tech notices his tone implies that he, Tech, should not have said that. 

“To us, ‘different’ is a positive character trait. Why did she leave the ship?” Tech asks, perplexed. 

Echo sighs searching for words, but it’s Crosshair who answers, “to nat borns, being too different is bad,” is all he says. 

Echo scratches the back of his neck and explains, “Most of them don’t like that ‘different’ is negative, but it takes a lot more work than you think to get rid of an idea that is so deeply ingrained in a culture.” He looks at Hunter and glances towards the open ship door. 

Hunter returns the look and nods towards the door, “Go talk to her, we got him,” He gestures at Tech. 

Tech blinks at them confused as Echo jogs out of the ship after her. Tech looks at Hunter then Wrecker, awaiting the usual explanation that followed his lack of emotional intellect. But they both seemed hesitant to start. 

Over the comms they could hear Crosshair’s voice telling Echo where to find her. Cross was in his favorite quiet place, sitting atop the ship watching their comings and goings like a vulture. 

Echo finds her hugging one knee and staring off into the distance atop a rock, overlooking the ocean. 

“He didn’t mean—“ 

“—I know” she cuts him off. “But that doesn't mean I can always control how I react to it. I don’t want to feel this way, but my experience has taught my subconscious to react like this. I wish I could make it stop too, but that takes a lot of practice and a ridiculous amount of time. I’ll get there eventually,” she sighs. 

He scoots next to her on the rock and just watches her. She glances at him, wishing he wouldn’t, starting to feel nervous about the way he’s looking at her, turning away to hide her face. That is, until he starts to talk again. 

“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your eyes look when you’re lost in thought?” 

She huffs out a small laugh. “Even when they’re starting to get puffy and red?” 

“Yes,” the confidence in his voice is unmistakable. “Has anyone ever told you that?” 

“Not that meant it,” she mumbles into her knee. 

He pulls her into a tight hug, and they sit there in silence for a while. 

Echo’s not sure what to say exactly, all he knows is that there’s a lot more that has to be said before either of them are willing to return to the ship. 

Echo pauses briefly as he passes her sleeping form curled in a chair. 

Tech watches as Echo’s expression softens, and he just looks at her for a moment. Tech tilts his head to one side, like a tooka trying to see if the world makes more sense from a different angle (Tech finds it amusing to take these things literally and figuratively). As he watches, Echo leans down and presses a gentle kiss to the top of her head, and whispers something in her ear. She stirs slightly but doesn't wake. Echo stays put, brushing a hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear and petting her head until he’s sure she’s back out. 

Tech feels a pang as he watches. Then his vitals monitor beeps at him. He looks down at his datapad, eyes scanning quickly, looking for the results from the algorithm he wrote to help him connect the way his body reacts to the emotions he struggles with. Sure enough, at the bottom of the screen, his “most likely emotion” algorithm flashes a single word at him: Jealousy. 

When she’s settled back down, Echo continues walking to the cockpit doorway where Tech stands. 

Echo, “I think we got lucky she was willing to come back onto the ship.” 

“She’s not really back,” Crosshair’s voice snakes it ways into their minds, voicing the one thing they’re all worried about and prompting them all to look at her, curled into a tight ball, her head slipping onto her knees. 

“She is sad,” Tech analyses. “I did not realize what I said would affect her this much, nor this negatively.” 

“I think it brought up old stuff for her. She’s kinda like you, Tech. She needs evidence in order to believe something is true,” Echo notes. 

“You are suggesting that I have to prove to her that being different is a good thing?” Tech asks. “I have ample evidence that she already knows that, but I do not understand why she did not take my statement in that way.”  

Again, Echo sighs, “When I went after her, she told me… she’s spent most of her life just wanting to be as normal, as pretty, as the other girls, and all she ever got was a lifetime of evidence proving that she wasn’t.” Echo’s voice was quiet. He didn’t like saying it any more than they liked hearing it. 

There’s silence as they all take this in. Crosshair had joined them, leaning in the doorway, still watching her sleeping form as they talked. 

“But,” Tech is confused, he has a datapad full of evidence to the contrary, “we all react to her in ways that show how we feel about her. Do you mean to say she is incapable of seeing that?” 

Echo chuckles darkly, gaze drifting to the floor as he scratches the back of his neck. He wouldn’t have put it quite so bluntly. He searches for a nicer way to explain it to Tech’s analytical mind. 

“Yes,” Crosshair got tired of waiting for someone else to answer, “Nat born women are conditioned to doubt.” 

Tech opens his mouth to protest, he wants to know what she is doubting, specifically. 

But Echo starts talking first, “Nat borns don’t get a choice in the cultural conditioning that plagues them any more than we get a say in how the Kaminoans’ conditioned us. It’s up to us to prove to her that she just isn’t seeing the full picture.” 

Tech blinks at the two of them, hoping someone will explain exactly how to do so and what exactly she is conditioned to think, but they don’t. To their surprise, Wrecker, who had been napping in the cockpit, is the one who answers. 

“Don’t hide anythin’.” His voice is surprisingly quiet, his expression soft. They don’t often get a chance to see Wrecker this gentle. 

They all look to Echo, he has more experience with women than any of them (except maybe Cross, but it’s not like he’s going to explain it to them unless he is forced to), not to mention more experience with the emotions of their brothers and the trauma of his own. Echo nods in agreement, “every glance, every time you want to brush her hair out of her face, or pull her into a hug just to feel her close to you. Don’t hold back. She needs to see it. But for now let’s let her sleep. Hopefully that will help a little.” 

Tech finally gets a chance to talk to her the next morning. He had been hoping a fresh day would wash it all away, but it looks like today might be harder than he anticipated. She’s just laying in her bunk, curled into a tight ball on her side, hugging a pillow to her chest, staring off into the distance, a lost expression on her face. As he sits down on the bed by her feet she hides her face behind the pillow. 

“I only meant……….” He sighs “To us, being different is good. I didn’t know nat borns don’t see it that way. I apologize.”

It’s quiet for a few minutes. 

“I have never experienced sexual attraction to a being until I met you.” 

She is still quiet. 

He’s racking his brain for some way to comfort her. He’s no good at this part, usually emotional reactions were Wrecker’s department. So what would Wrecker do? His mind travels back to when they were cadets and he had yet to get his emotions under control. There were more than a few nights when he cried himself to sleep on Wrecker’s shoulder. Wrecker used to rub his back and tell him he’d never let the Kaminoan’s hurt Tech. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done, so telling her he wouldn’t let anyone hurt her wasn’t an option. He felt like he already had. 

Touch! That was it! She usually responded well to the everyday touches from Wrecker, Hunter, and Echo. So he reaches out and gently places a hand on her knee. She’s wearing sleep shorts, and had tossed the covers off, so Tech’s hand sits directly on her skin. He didn’t usually go for touches like this, because he didn’t understand them, but this one felt like the right thing to do, so he went with it, starting to rub, slowly, up and down on her calf. She didn’t react, but she also didn’t push his hand away. 

“Is this okay?” He asks, tentatively. 

“Yeah,” she mumbles into the pillow. 

He sighs and slumps a bit as he relaxes a little. 

They sit there in silence for a few moments, just his hand running up and down her leg. 

Tech sits up a little straighter, a look of eureka on his face. 

“I can prove it,” he offers. 

Finally, she begins to peek out from behind the pillow, and he knows this crease on her brow is curiosity. 

“I can prove that I find you sexually attractive.” He clarifies. She just looks at him, curiosity piqued, though not like he’s used to seeing when she’s found something she’s excited to learn more about. Those are his favorite moments with her. When she’s excited to learn something new, and they can talk about the possibilities and implications that has on their day to day life, rapid fire. Learning more about the universe together. He vows to find a way to bring those moments back as soon as possible. They both need it. 

He pulls his datapad out and brings up some data. “This data shows my vitals from the moment we met, overlaid on the footage I was recording so you can see the implications of visual stimulation on my vitals.” He sends it to her. 

Her datapad lights up, it sits next to her head beneath the pillow that still hides him from view. Tech can see the light from under the pillow and watches as the pillow shifts a bit as she picks it up and looks at it. 

After a while the pillow shifts again and the light goes away as she puts the datapad back down. She peers at him over the top of the pillow. She doesn’t have words to say anything. He takes that as a sign that he’s the only one who needs to keep talking right now. 

“It took me a while to figure out what I was feeling. You know that I do feel emotions, but I struggle to understand them. But I compared it to the data I have of how my brother’s reacted to you and asked them about what they were feeling and how they could tell. I discovered that we have all become rather smitten with you, myself included.” 

“That’s bound to happen considering I’m the only woman you’ve been around for months, and probably the only one you’ve been around for an extended period as grown men,” she mumbles. 

“But that would take several months to begin to show an effect, yes?” 

“Yeah…?” 

“I can prove that our feelings began during our first mission with you. I can pinpoint the exact moment for most of us. I am always monitoring our vitals, so any spike in heart rate, or hormone levels I have recorded.” 

He sends her his documentation, where he was attempting to understand what they were feeling. Complete with notes about ‘Echo explained that this is common during human attraction’ and ‘Hunter tells me this is a normal reaction to seeing a beautiful woman’ and even ‘Crosshair has indicated that I should talk to her about this’. 

“You now have access to the file so whenever it is updated, you will be notified. I tend to update that one quite often. I hope this is a sufficient way to apologize. I am not sure how else to do so.” 

“I’m sorry, Tech,” her voice is timid and quiet. 

“Why are you apologizing?” Tech asks, nose scrunched, he does not understand. 

“I’m sorry I walked out on you without saying anything.” 

“I have come to the realization that when topics may be triggering, it is often easier to simply leave the room. I surmise that is why you left?” 

“Yes.” 

He didn’t want to force her to tell him more, so he just stayed quiet, hoping she might volunteer more information if she felt comfortable doing so. 

“I never wanted to be this different,” is all she says. 

“I like your ‘different’,” Tech volunteers. 

“Is that you talking, or your brothers? What did they tell you to say to me? How much pity did they recommend you bring to the table?” Her tone of voice suggests she is getting mad again. 

Tech’s eyes widen and he shakes his head rapidly. “No! Echo said to never pity someone. He said pity only hurts people. He made us all swear never to pity you for anything. I did not mean to imply that. I like your different, I mean that.” 

“Sorry,” she whispers, sinking into the pillows again. 

Again his mind reaches for something to help comfort her. He doesn’t like how she seems to be conditioned to apologize so often for things that are his mistake and not hers. Again, touch finds its way to the forefront of his mind. So he reaches out physically this time, for the hand resting on top of the pillow she still clutches. 

His hand gently slides underneath her own, threading his fingers through hers. He’s struck with the urge to kiss her hand. He’s not sure why. He’s never felt this before. He tries to hold back. 

Until Echo and Wrecker’s words surface amidst the confusion in his mind again, ‘don’t hold back’… ‘don’t hold back’… ‘don’t hold back’… 

So he stops trying to hold back and lets go, and leaning forward, lifting her hand slightly, to press a soft kiss to the back of her hand. He doesn’t mean to let it linger, but he’s never felt this way before and he wants to remember it forever. 

She looks at him with surprise. And then smiles a little. His heart skips a beat. Again, his vitals chart blinks at him, drawing his attention from her eyes. He laughs softly when he sees the new “most likely emotion” blinking at the bottom of the screen, so he shows it to her. 

‘Adoration’, the blinking word reads. This time the smile doesn’t leave her face. It still hasn’t quite reached her eyes, but it’s starting to get there. As she stares in disbelief at the word on his screen, a new message from Echo pops up at the top of the screen. 

Tech feels it buzz, but doesn’t take the datapad back, knowing now how important that one word is to her. 

Her brow scrunches when her gaze drifts to the message from Echo. 

She raises a finger to tap on it, but stops, realizing it’s not her datapad. 

“You may open it, if you wish,” Tech offers. “I wish to show you I trust you.” 

She smiles, the turbulence inside her beginning to settle again as she taps on the message from Echo. 

As the message opens, she begins to shift. Moving the pillow around so she can sit up. As she settles, her hip presses into his own. He does not protest. He likes this touch. He moves to hold the datapad between them so they can both see it. It’s a photo of a beautiful waterfall sent to the group chat with the caption, “you guys would love this place”. He and Hunter were out scouting the camp site while they await their next set of orders. 

From the increase in noise just outside the ship it seems that Wrecker is excited to go exploring. 

“Would you like to go on a walk?” Tech asks. 

She nods, squeezing his arm to her side briefly, whispering a quick “thank you�� into his ear. He looks up at her happily as she stands up, letting his gaze linger on her as she bounces to find some civilian clothes to change into. She spots his look and pauses for a moment, confusion on her face. 

“I like your happy, too,” he tells her. “You know we pride ourselves on being different. It was meant to be a compliment. I did not understand how sentient beings could be considered attractive until you joined us.” 

She smiles at the floor, tucking her hair behind her ear. 

“I like your shy, as well,” he adds. 

She giggles. 

…‘Don’t hold back’… he’s learning what that means. And this time he wants to hug her. So he stands up and opens his arms to her, a question on his brow. 

She beams and throws herself into his arms. He wasn’t quite prepared for her enthusiasm. It sends them both back a few steps, until his legs hit the bunk and his hand reaches for the one above to stabilize them. 

Today might be okay after all. 

When the two of them arrive outside they find the commotion was Wrecker putting together a picnic. Crosshair pretends he didn’t help. They all know he did, but they let him think they believe him. Donning the packs Wrecker holds out, the four of them hike their way out to the coordinates Hunter sent them. 

After they’ve eaten, as they are enjoying the sunlight and time off, Crosshair stops her for a moment, tilting her chin up to look deep into her eyes. Where confusion paints hers, his show only confidence and lustful smirk. In a split second the moment is over, he places a kiss on her forehead and walks away like nothing happened. His brothers pretend they didn’t see. Moments later, her datapad lights up with an update from a document of Tech’s. It’s the document he sent her earlier, the one filled with all his evidence that they all adore her. The newest entry is a snippet of a video of her and Crosshair from just a moment ago. She glances at Tech and nods a shy ‘thank you’. 

That evening, Tech exits the cockpit to find her laying with her head in Echo’s lap as he pets her hair and they both study their datapads. Again, Tech feels a pang of jealousy, and it is once again confirmed by the flashing word at the bottom of his screen. 

He sits down by her feet, pretending to be enraptured by something on his datapad too. She looks over at him and smiles, he returns his signature half smile, with half lidded eyes. 

Hesitantly, she stretches out a foot and places it in his lap, biting her lip as she looks at him to ask if this is okay. 

Tech holds her gaze and places his hand on her leg, stroking it just like he did before in answer to her question, and letting the hand holding his datapad rest on her ankle. Tech has never been so intimately close to a woman’s ankle before. He’s seen her’s plenty of times, she likes wearing shorter things that let her ankles breathe from time to time, but he’s never had a chance to really memorize every curve of them before, no matter how archaic a fascination with ankles may seem, it’s new to him, and he enjoys it. 

Echo glances over, to exchange ‘told you so’ looks with Tech, but Tech is still looking at her, fascinated by the studious look on her face as she goes back to reading something on her datapad, still biting her lip as her mind returns to her work. 

Instead Echo exchanges one with Hunter, who has just entered the ship, brushing rain from his ruggishly handsome locks. 

Hunter stands in the doorway for a moment, before stepping forward and placing a kiss to her shoulder, then heading to the fresher to find a towel for his hair. 

In Echo’s lap, he can feel her cheeks warming as she tries to suppress a small smile. This is new to her too, but who would say no to 5 sweet, handsome men doting on them? 

Please don’t steal my work! I pour my heart into these so if you like it please reblog to share instead of reposting it!

[gemsofgreece]

I explain very clearly what I think Dr Wilson should have done in my original post though. Dr Wilson (and all translators) should translate Homer as closely as possible from 700 BC Greek to 2023 CE English, with minimal linguistic adjustments, just enough in order to not sound lingually irrelevant or inaccessible. The context must not be touched. That's the job of the translator. Translators should compete over who gets closer to the original style and meaning. Not who brings more of a "character" and "interpretation" into it. The more character and intepretation a translator adds to the original, the worse a translator they are. The interpretation is entirely the reader's freedom and should not be compromised by other opinions (unless of course we are talking about a study on the original, which is an entirely separate thing).

You can't tell me she did not adjust the context when she was literally struggling to transform a plain self-insult into a parallelization to a loyal, positive image of a loved animal. You brought up the cannibal king on your own. She translated polytropos in Odyssey into "complicated" lol what. There were countless words she could choose from, from resourceful to ingenious to adaptable as few examples, but she went for "complicated". When you call a person complicated in the first verse, you immediately prepare the reader to assume the hero is troubled or gray or controversial and certainly not what Homer meant by polytropos, which is a word that is 100% a token of the author's admiration and generally positive image of his hero. In Goodreads I read some more examples, such as that she translated vultures into sweet little birds or something, I don't remember exactly so don't hold me to it. She also wrote that Odysseus, when recounting the audacity of Penelope's suitors, said something like "you flirted with my wife" like... that's a stupid choice of a phrase. Flirt. Really? From court to tempt to even shame would all be closer to what the suitors attempted towards a Greek queen loyal to her king in 1200 BC than "flirt with her". They didn't flirt with her, they openly asked her hand in marriage and tried to court and win her very tyrannically and audaciously. "Flirt with her" is as if they were batting their eyelids with Penelope over a cup of wine.

And that's not so much my problem. My problem is bigger than whether Wilson's translation is perfect or not. This is not the point. I do understand that she wrote the introduction in order to somehow bring the context closer back to the original ( and as is indirectly stated, correct the mess Miller has made). The true problem is that western translation and extremely liberal interpretations have traditionally been so off the rails, that now Wilson had to make an introduction stating the bloody obvious, that a 750 BC foreign ancient story does not conform to the fanfiction wishes of 2023 US teenagers!!! Really? I am sorry but do you need a whole introduction for this? You think anyone else in the world gets that? You think every foreign book I read comes with an apology in the introduction saying "you know, gems, England in 1813 was not the same as Greece in 2023, so don't be disappointed there were so suffocating rules of manners and propriety". Normally readers don't get such explanations suited for five year olds. Out of the west, people are not so entitled that the translator feels compelled to write a whole essay so that she eases their childish disappointment. I actively dislike that type of stroking. I am not saying she wrote something inaccurate like "they def fucked" but I find it super degrading for an ancient story that is a huge part of a cultural legacy to have an introduction saying "soz folks we not sure they fucked, for your fucking wishes go back to Madeline". And don't tell me "that's not how she said it" because no matter how she wrote it, it is very clear from the interview that this is what she meant and that was her main concern. Long story short, the greater problem is not that Wilson was a little inaccurate here or there or that she wrote an introduction but that western entitlement and appropriation are outrageous and western writers and translators keep feeding them like they are overindulging spoiled babies, from whom they dread to remove the pacifier.

PS: Want Greek lgbt poetry? Read Cavafy. It's only 19th-20th century AD I am afraid but I promise he was great.

https://lithub.com/enduring-epics-emily-wilson-and-madeline-miller-on-breathing-new-life-into-ancient-classics/

What's with Madeline miller and Emily wilson claiming that they are bringing something new in Greek mythology and being applauded for it?

Emily also is a translator and from what i read completely changed the meaning of words and characters like calling Agamemnon a cannibal king. A translator's work isn't making their own story on top of the old one.

It's disrespectful to Homer's work and he gets overshadowed by modern authors that push modern ideologies into classic works that should have stayed neutral.

Why are western writers like this ??? 😖😖😖 I read the interview and I would say some parts of it were okay but I will mention here the ones that gave me secondhand embarrassment:

My god, this can’t be real. The literature class in American school has messed up many brains. Dogface, κύνοψ in Ancient but surviving in Modern as σκυλομούρης - σκυλομούρα is a swear word. More precisely dog-face could mean someone ugly whose face looks like a dog’s, but it could also imply a cruel looking face, a lowlife whose lowlifeness is evident in their face and so on. The struggle of modern translators and academics is unreal - “we can’t use a bad word for a woman - perhaps she meant dog-face as a symbolism of loyalty, of a fierce huntress like Artemis, of an obedient and long lasting friend uwu” - no sweetie she meant: “I hate myself, I am a bitch and as repulsive as one”. Sorry. Meanwhile, swear word for a man; “Clearly, it can’t just be a swear word spoken in anger, Agamemnon must in fact be a cannibal” 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Yeah, great. Just head on acknowledging that Iliad is not as queer as young American audiences are misled to believe. I love how there is a vibe of apologism in the air because Wilson, as a translator, didn’t have the endless entitlement to go as berserk on the characters as Miller did. I also love the iconic addition that “admittedly there aren’t many queer warriors and athletes in American culture” so she implies they have to keep Patrochilles (🤦‍♀️) at any cost! NEWSFLASH: ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS ARE NOT A PART OF AMERICAN CULTURE!!! Whether gay or straight friends - they are not part of your Marvel and DC culture!!! Oh my god!!!

What’s your business responding to readers’ expectations, Emily? Your business is to translate Homer for English audience. Whether they will like it or not, it’s their business. You are not appointed to “excuse” Homer to anyone or make him palatable to Marvel fans! Jfc

I will say I agree with her that Achilles and Patroclus’ relationship is ambiguous but I hate that she clearly dreads to openly admit that for fear of what American 17 year olds will feel about it. It is another example of how the last years the definition of truth has morphed into what one wants to hear rather than what is factually the case.

[arcadialedger]

Please note that I am most likely leaving this platform. I am done being abused. But first? We need to have a discussion. A discussion about hate and bullying in fandom.

All online-- I encourage you to read my story below. Reblog and spread awareness. The Dragon Prince fandom especially -- I implore you read my words, every single one of them. The short of it is that I am done. 

This all began with losing and being blocked by a friend because I shared something they disagreed with. I don’t care what you feel about my initial reaction to this (which I’ll explain below) -- I’ve apologized for not handling the situation correctly. But I will not be shamed for speaking my mind and standing up for myself.

Because no human being deserves to go through what I have endured since last summer.

Following the “callout” post made about me by one of, if not the largest blogs in this fandom, I received hundreds of threats, harassment messages, and death threats. Messages and posts telling me to kill myself were also prominent, on a multiple times a week basis for awhile.

Messages from people who were well aware I have struggled with being suicidal. Due to one of their favorite Dragon Prince blogs speaking out against me, they thought it was okay to suicide bait me.

And it worked. I already struggle with hating myself, am already insecure, and being flooded with these comments which, while I made mistakes, did nothing to deserve, drove me to try and take my own life after years of progress in my mental health.  

Mind you, this is like a 200 follower to 4k follower power dynamic. Which yes, plays a role-- because when you have a large following and influence, you have power. Yet the person behind this had the gall to claim Tumblr clout isn’t real.

People blocking and condemning others instantly at your word? Is power. If people read your words and are influenced, or have their minds changed, or buy or don’t buy something, etc.-- you are an influencer. You have power. And when you’re one of the largest blogs in a fandom, you have a LOT of power.

So take responsibility. 

I was hurt because I lost a friend who I had chatted with for months, did a podcast with, and was generally not only one of my favorite blogs but the center of my experience in the Dragon Prince. I may not have been perfect in my words, but when I was asked why I was quiet/ inactive, I explained how I was hurting, anonymously. I was understandably in pain and upset. I had been cut off for just having a different opinion on a matter, for thinking differently. Even though it was within their rights to block and do so, it felt wrong and it weighed on me.

Is that such a crime?

The callout post and previously described abuse followed, lasting for months until later in the year (this began in June, or around then). It also included screenshots of tweets, when this user does not have Tumblr, and they have stated to have screenshots stored up on their computer of my various posts and interactions. This is creepy behavior, and freaked me out. I felt like I was being stalked, “evidence” being filed away for the very purpose of being used against me. 

I eventually talked things out with the blog per recommendation of my therapist, and thought all would be fine. For a little while, it was. I largely stayed off of Tumblr to heal. Once in awhile I would have a rough, tearful night because something reminded me of what I lost, but I would make it through. Overall, I was making progress.

Then? My Twitter got hacked by one of the people sending me hate. For what had turned out to be much. And after they tweeted some purposefully incriminating and bigoted things to make me look bad, I came home from a weekend in the mountains to a shitstorm.

Twitter has a love hate relationship for me and I barely opened the app unless actively chatting with a friend. So when I saw 700+ notifications, I was surprised. It had never happened before.

I began to scroll through, and when I saw what had happened, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I had lost over half of my followers and a solid 60% of previous Twitter mutuals had blocked me. But worst of all, I had hundreds of hate tweets directed at me replying to the hackers tweets. Messages had been sent in DMs and accounts blocked, followed, and unfollowed as well.

If you have never felt that loss of agency-- that sickening feeling of words you never said next to your profile-- be glad. Because it is traumatic. I value my words. I value what I have to say. And having that taken from me was worse than anything I had been through here on Tumblr, outside of the suicide baiting (the most direct attack to me and my emotions/ insecurities throughout this entire ordeal). Further, this hacker had clearly stalked my tweets based on some of their comments. 

Hundreds of tweets bashing me, calling me aphobic slurs (knowing I am asexual mind you, as it was in my bio), making fun of my appearance and targeting all of the insecurities which lead to my first suicide attempt in high school, and taking/ editing images of my face and mocking them. This all culminated in a doxing threat-- a doxing threat which made me feel unsafe on a campus I had already been sexually assaulted on. I was once again, after starting the healing process, thrusted back into the darkest time of my life and spiraled into anxiety and depression. I cried a lot overwhelmed by it all, had difficulty sleeping, and felt sick. I started fall semester and couldn’t concentrate on school. I was a mess.

I had once again been condemned, this time for something I had no part in. I tried to example what happened but nobody listened. I had been hung without trial. People were understandably confused, and my entire reputation on the platform, and my page, became a mess of lies, misunderstandings, and more.

If you don’t know the feeling of already hating yourself and being insecure, and having these beliefs reinforced and spread by hundreds publicly across the internet? Of already feeling lonely and unwanted and having the one space you thought you had taken from you? Consider yourself lucky. 

I had a lot of voice actors and creators following me-- accounts I interacted and greatly cherished my mutual with. A handful of them unfollowed, understandably. This online hate mob was sending messages to people demanding they unfollow me, including some of these creators. They had no idea what to make of this mess or what was real and true and just didn’t want to deal with it. Most of the others just stopped interacting with me. @aaronwaltke (tagging so those who don’t follow already click and do so, because he is absolutely fantastic-- he’s a writer for ToA)  who had followed me on the platform, graciously wished me peace with the entire situation after I checked to make sure he had not been subjected to messages or hate, either from my hacker or other accounts. His was the greatest compassion I got on Twitter, before I ultimately ended up just having to delete.

I lost podcast deals because of this with Adrian Petriw, Aaron Ehasz, and Justin Richmond. I do not blame them one bit and would have done the same in the confusion not wanting to get dragged into anything. 

Only to have one of the friends I lost who helped start this interview these very people on their own podcasts. A slap in the face. A zine I had bought to support them came to my door, with the front page proclaiming to “spread a narrative of love.”

I was never granted that chance. That compassion. I had the vultures sent after me with no mercy. And anyone who has been through online abuse and systemic harassment knows just how much it feels like they’re slowly but surely picking at your flesh ( a metaphor I used in one of my old, since deleted posts discussing the situation, and still find accurate), wearing you down until you have no strength left.

Make no mistake, my story is not a one off situation. Many share the same tale of abuse and being driven off of platforms that once gave them great joy. These attacks are coordinated, systemic, and common hobby for these people-- who largely claim to be loving and accepting of all. They are a cyberbullying phenomenon which has risen with the presence of fandom on the internet. And I want to make clear, with current discussions of “cancel culture”, I mean nothing political in that statement. Some might call my experience cancel culture, but I don’t.

It’s just bullying. It’s just hate. These people get off on ruining people’s lives.

And my life was greatly set back and ruined. I had a stain on my past in fandom I could never be rid of. I had to shut down my podcast, took time off of all social media, and most of what I had built, most of my growth, was taken from me while those who incited and/ or spread hate thrived and continued to grow and find success. That was the greatest sting of all. 

I asked the one previous friend who hadn’t blocked me, but had just stopped interacting with me (which I understood and respected, and also greatly respected her perspective, help, and support though this situation in which she largely unfortunately ended up in the middle) for help after explaining everything, and got nothing. They didn’t seem to care, and just blocked me on all platforms. Once in awhile, I would find I was cut off from yet another old friend, or a blog that I had never interacted with before but clicked into, interested. It hurt being cut off, unable to fully interact with the fandom, but I could move on.

That pain would never go away, but I made clear I did not blame them for the actions of those who abused, harassed, and threatened me. I also made it clear they did not owe me anything, including unblocking. 

I just wanted to move on peacefully, but those with the power to enable that did not wish to help. I slowly, when I felt ready, began to be more active on Tumblr again, and once again the hate started up. 

Sometimes when I was hurting, I expressed my pain and loss to my followers just to reach out, because I was sad. I had no idea how to rebuild from all that had happened. This got me more hate an accusations of emotional manipulation and gaslighting. I had no idea what to do, and got trapped in a cycle of needing to talk about it, and getting hate and backlash, but not knowing where else I could turn. 

My doxer came back into my asks, ultimately making me switch schools, and refueled the drama. Speaking up about this got me more backlash-- mostly accounts reblogging (one with tags saying “fuck you”, despite not knowing the full story, and commenting and then blocking me so I could do nothing to respond or get it off of my page. I deleted all posts of the matter, as requested by these people (who validly pointed out they were in the main fandom tags, which I hadn’t thought of and understood), and hoped to move on.

But it hasn’t stopped. I have been beaten down and emotionally bruised for months. I have had my life and safety threatened, my education and by extension life path altered, and lost work (podcast) opportunities due to this-- alongside the irreversible emotional damage from trauma and abuse. My mental health issues and insecurities-- which I have been very open about to destigmatize the subjects and encourage conversation-- were actively targeted to inflict the most pain possible. 

And I can’t even talk about it, without enduring more hate and accusations of “playing the victim”.

Death threats, suicide baiting, doxing, months of bullying and harassment to the most vile degree, which a lot of these people don’t know about because they don’t even bother to read my words. Yet I’m playing the victim. 

And the accusations of bigotry and being hateful hurt, because it couldn’t be further from what is in my heart. I believing in love and acceptance of all. I don’t know how many are religious here, but I found God after my first suicide attempt and that is what his word has taught me. 

I’ve been through too much in life to tolerate this, for lack of a more eloquent term, bullshit. I know what abuse and victim blaming looks like when I see it. And in my 20 years of life, I have gone through too much: constant ridicule and bullying, suicide attempts, sexual assault, major spinal surgery, to just be stomped over and not stand up for my right to basis human decency. 

I refuse to put up with this, so unless I get an apology and some semblance of justice for everything I have been through, I am leaving. I will not participate in a space run by hate and toxicity. I will never claim to be perfect, and I have apologized for my mistakes and wrongdoings. Now, hold those who did this accountable. If you’re reading this you know very well who it was, and I am not naming them for those who don’t. Because at the end of the day I still send nothing but love and wish no ill will towards them.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t expect accountability of one of the greatest influencers in the fandom for their complacency in abuse, threats, suicide baiting, and and absolute ruining of my life and online experience. They enabled this and were well aware they had the power to stop it-- to ask their followers to stop-- and did nothing. They didn’t care-- about a human’s life and well being. 

@dragonprinceofficial, are you aware that this is what many of the fans of your show, which preaches love and an end to the cycle of vengeance, do to others? That this is happening in your space? If you stand at all by the values you preach, condemn it. @staffTumblr/ @supportTumblr-- shame on you for allowing this abuse to happen and ignoring my reports. Shame on you for permitting these people to operate in your platform and for being okay with hosting hate. People have been driven to suicide on your website-- I am one of the lucky ones. 

If you care at all about humanity and stand against this behavior, reblog and spread awareness. Share my story so I may not happen to anyone else. Tag @dragonprinceofficial until they notice and speak out. 

This is my story, and so many others. Make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. No human being deserves to be treated how I was. Everyone deserves compassion, decency, and respect. And everyone deserves a place in fandom. Do better. If you want to reach out to me DMs are open, as well as my email, which is attached to my account. Until this change happens and I am given the support/ help needed to safely function on this platform, this blog will not be active outside of that. 

Thank you all of the many accounts who have supported me, and I am working on getting back to all who have reached out! Your love means the world. You know who you are, and I don’t want to tag in case people come after you for showing me kindness. I am sorry if this is goodbye, to all that have enjoyed my blog. I enjoyed it for a long time  too. I loved sharing my passion for stories, culture, having a space where I could analyze and discuss my favorite things.  I loved getting to share what I had to offer with the world, having fun and posting jokes with my unique sense of humor. I loved interacting with intelligent people/ fellow fans and discussing my favorite stories, offering each other new insights and growing together. I loved the many, many kind and wonderful people who reached out to me in a variety of ways and provided support and friendship.

In the end, it just isn’t worth all of this pain and trauma, and I know when to put my foot down. I don’t want pity, I don’t want apologizes, and I’m not a martyr. I just want my story to make a difference-- to spur positive change in fandom culture/ spaces.  I will be tagging all fandoms in which I have seen this kind of abuse present as well, to reach as many as possible. 

Be safe, and be kind.

- The Arcadia Ledger/ Ryn/ Katie, signing off.

[prince-toffee]

Entrapdak Month

9. Human AU

“Oh sorry. Is Hector home?” The short woman in purple asked with a smile on her youthful tanned face. Freckles on her cheeks and nose, spread out like stars in the night sky. Her smile wide enough to go ear to ear. Two purple pigtails on the back, a beanie hat covering the top of her head. She wore a sleeveless shirt with ‘Dexter Morgan is my role model’, two strange fingerless gloves, a pair of dirty purple sweat pants and a pair of high welling boots. Also dirty. And muddy. She stood proud, she gave off a feeling of mighty height, always towering with her personality. A bag hanged across her left shoulder. She stood on the welcome mate - which had a red ‘not’ sprayed on it, probably one of V’s pranks. She seemed unphased by it or by the light drizzle of rain that night.

Infront of her, in the doorway of the dark mansion, stood eight or so oddly similar looking siblings. Most towering over her, with the exception of Moe in his wheelchair, and Zed who was ten. All of them looked at each other, heads and eyes turning from side to side, disbelief plastered on their facial expressions. After a few moments of awkward silence of staring at each other the disbelief turned to satisfaction and smug happiness. A smirk formed on each of their faces, except for Lee who never smiled, and Zed who was too young to understand. They looked as if they had won a deal or a prize, which they did.

“Sure. He’s in the living room. He’s been waiting, all nervous like.” said V, he was the one with the short shaved hair dyed red, even though all of them looked identical, boys and girls alike, yet he had a more vulture-y look to him with his pointy chin and even skinnier form then Hector, which Entrapta thought was impossible. His voice held a cocky tone to it.

“Please come in.” The woman with the blue mohawk welcomed her in, moving off to the side giving her space to move past them, gesturing with her hand to come into in the house. This was Dess.

“Oh, thank you.” Entrapta tapped her boots on the not-welcome mate getting off the mud before entering the household. The tap was half-hearted so the boots still left semi-muddy imprints on the nice wooden floor. Which had Moe scrunch up his face at the sight, he decided to just pass it, he was going to take care of that later. But hey, it’s the thought that counts. She was kindly asked to take them off and walk around freely in her socks. Dess gestured to the living room. Once again all observers stayed under the door frame of the living room, looking in on the interaction with giddy expressions on their faces.

Sure enough the short visitor spotted Hector in the centre of the room pacing back and forth, looking down at his phone screen. He looked nervous. Entrapta, from over his shoulder, saw her and Hector’s photo from the science fair, with her name above in contacts. She suddenly realised her phone was buzzing the entire way here, Hector must’ve been texting her all this time. He was always so worried, so self-conscious and unsure of himself, but only around her. She found it cute, in a way. Hector still hadn’t noticed her. Entrapta pulled out her phone and glanced at her messages from ‘Hordikins’, 48 messages unread. A giggle almost escaped her throat, she looked at the stream of continuous texts, her lips curling up. Messages were minutes apart. First:

‘Entrapta, you wished to meet. Where would that take place?’

‘Did you mean at your house? I would like to make sure, I wouldn’t want to intrude unwelcomed.’

‘WAIT, did you mean my house?! Because it is a bad idea!’

‘No. No. No.’

‘That is an awful idea. My Brother would kill me.’

‘My Brother will NOT allow it!’

‘Pls stay away!’

‘No please hold on, that sounded wrong. I’m sorry!’

‘I did NOT mean it like that!!’

‘Entrapta please answer!’

‘I am sorry!!!’

‘We can meet at your household. I could come over to your place.’

‘NO wait i didnt mean it like that either!’

‘Plase text bak’

‘Or call’

‘if you wish’

Entrapta had never seen Hordak’s grammar diminish as it continued, well not in text, he turned to an intelligible red tomato in real life every time he talked to her. And just as she finished reading over the last text bubble a new one blipped in. Hector must’ve heard it, because he turned around, his gaze was met with her own eyes, and for a moment he froze. A blush ran across his face, he was paralyzed on the spot with a heatwave storming inside him. Entrapta took the sight in, he wore a black turtle neck, his standard glasses and a black and gold dress with none of his famous slits - which slightly disappointed her. But it got better when she noticed he was wearing the pair of Star Trek socks she gave him for his birthday, she couldn’t believe he actually wore them. She felt her heart melt a little. She could barely hold back an ‘aw’ and it took all of her willpower to do so.

Hector’s blue dyed hair was messy, like he was, prier to her arrival, running through it frantically. A single lock of hair hung down his face, she looked to see Hector nervous, confused and paniced. They maybe realised that they stared at each other in silence a little too long, so Hector cleared his voice. He combed back the rogue lock of hair to look more presentable. His gaze shifted to the cluster of his siblings in the door way to the living room, pocking their heads in with smiles on their faces. Some suggestive ones too. He scowled at them. He set his phone aside.

“Entrapta, could we step out for a moment?” He asked with a wobble in his voice, trying his best to act tough and strong like he always did.

“No, no. We were all just going out for the game anyway... So you two will have the house to yourselves.” Dess stated as she directed her brothers out to the front door. She and Hector locked eyes, she was up to something he felt like. He narrowed his eyes at them, but didn’t do much else. Entrapta was pretty oblivious to the tension and implication.

Hector rubbed his nose, the unwanted audience wasn’t leaving quick enough for him, so he barked at them to chase them off, “Get out!” he yelled as they exited the house with V being the last one out, showing his tongue to him. The doors closed. He returned his gaze to Entrapta. He gestured with his hand to the coach as he himself sat down, Entrapta gladly followed suit as she plopped down on it. “I- um- I’m sorry about them... W-why are you here, Entrapta?”

Entrapta smiled back at him, “Because I wanted to see you silly. I missed you.” Hector wanted to reseed into the coach and never come out, she missed him? He didn’t know she cared that much for him. He found he didn’t know what to do with his hands so he had them strangely intertwined with each other. “And also because I wanted to show you something!” Stars in her eyes, Hector loved looking into them, he could do so all day. Entrapta unzipped her bag and plunged her hand into it and retrieved an item from it. She held it high into the air, “Ta-Da!”.

“What is it?”

“It’s a movie! I thought we could watch something together. Haven’t seen you all week. I missed you.” There it was again that confession, she missed him. He could not believe it, he couldn’t wrap his head around it. He looked at the DVD cover his guest waved in his face, he did not recognise it, he didn’t watch many movies. Nonsensical activities were not allowed in their household by their big Brother. The first game he ever played was Candy Crush on Entrapta’s phone, two weeks ago. He had very limited knowledge and interaction with pop culture. He did not go out much.

“Again, what is it?” Hector asked discombobulated.

“Well, I don’t exactly know, the blurb is super enigmatic. But I heard it’s really good, or that it’s a sin against god, no real middle ground when it comes to it. But I thought we could watch it together!” She rotated the rectangle container side to side, like a mother dangling keys infront of a baby, “Come on, I know how much you love being negative and critique things. You could actually have fun with it.”

“Fun?! You take that back.” He actually managed to make a joke, and it seemed to get Entrapta as she started to giggle. He really hoped it was genuine rather than a pity laugh. The short woman got off the coach and slotted the CD into the DVD player. Hector almost had a heart attack, they weren’t supposed to use it, it was off limits. He thanked the lord that his older Brother was out of town. Entrapta hopped back to the couch. And laid her own head on his shoulder. He stayed quiet, his pose stiffened, his breathing became heavier, his heart rate became more rapid. He hoped his heart wouldn’t jump out of his chest. He looked down on the resting angel woman, she was otherworldly, outstanding, absolutely gorgeous. He then turned to the screen of the television, and saw the movie starting. Perhaps this wasn’t going to be so bad. This could be fun.

Well, it would’ve been, if he didn’t spot his siblings spying on them through the living room window from the outside.

[evolutionsvoid]

As a natural historian who has gained quite a few rings from the field, I have had the time and experience to pick up patterns and phenomenons that show up in my line of work. While I usually refer to the specimens and environments that I study, the more peculiar occurrences can often show up in places you never think to look. When I visit new places for research, I make it a habit to talk with the locals and get an idea of the land and culture that surrounds me. Usually I focus my thoughts on the species I have selected for observation, but over time I have found that the people I talk to wind up telling me a lot about the creature and themselves at the same time. The questioning and conversation shows what people think of the species, or how they view the entire natural world itself! Ask enough folk around the world, and you start to pick up on some patterns. One of the more obvious phenomenon to note is the desire to label anything big, scary and angry a "dragon." Those familiar with my work should already know quite well how I feel about that behavior. It is a case where people allow first impressions to condemn an entire species, refusing to look any further before calling it a monster. This line of thinking is quite similar to another pattern I have noticed, and that is ugly gross creatures are given no value, while cute pretty ones can often be given too much. To many, the icky stinging insect or the foul corpulent lizard has no purpose to the world, and thus its removal is acceptable. They dare not believe that these creatures have an important role, as those that are hideous cannot have any beauty! A concept spoken by tongues ignorant of the durian! It is often these same folk who then also believe that the adorable and beautiful ones are sacred and paramount to the whole ecosystem! I find it to be a rather messed up system! I know that I myself have called things pretty or ugly, but never would I allow such thoughts to dictate the value of a species existence! One must realize that the dung beetle and the butterfly are one in the same! They are crucial to the environments they dwell in, and seeking to eliminate one of them will often destroy all of them. I apologize for going off on a tangent, but I do so because this line of thinking is what plagues certain species and brings much misery to innocent lives. It creates folk who praise the fragrant blossoms of a tree while chopping away at its gnarled roots. I just wish others could understand that every species plays an important role to the world they live in, regardless of their odor or looks. Judging them only by their appearances is quite shallow and keeps you from seeing their true potential. The reason I have delved into this subject for so long is because I wished to talk about the Colompo, a species that is often scorned for it looks. Folk call them pests and plague bringers, treating them as if they were disease-ridden rats. To them, Colompos are useless stinky garbage eaters, and to that I cry foul! Do they eat garbage? Yes! Are they stinky? Absolutely, but they are far from useless and I will explain why! To start, let us examine what a Colompo is. At first, it may be a bit hard to understand what group it belongs to. It has the comb of a bird, the scales of a reptile and the fur of a mammal, so which is it? The answer is: Mammal! Scaly skin and bird-like structures are nothing new to the mammal class, so these features are quite normal for the Colompo. They have fur on their bodies, teats for feeding their young and bodies that can generate their own warmth. They scurry about on two bird-like legs, while their forearms have developed into fan-like structures that run down their backs. Though they give the impression of wings, the Colompo cannot fly or even glide. That doesn't stop these critters from flapping them wildly at times, usually when they get excited or are trying to scare off predators. They have a long prehensile tail that aids in balance and manipulation, it also comes in handy when they are hiding in the trees or other high up places! These tails end in an arrow-like point, but these structures are not hard nor sharp. Certain folk claim the Colompo use them as spears to impale prey, but these are floppy and are unable to pierce flesh. On their heads, they possess a rooster-like comb of a purplish color, though the structure is a bit more flamboyant on the males. They have large pointed ears and big round eyes, both of which are used to monitor their surroundings. A powerful nose helps them sniff out scent trails that will lead them to food, which brings us to an important part of the Colompo and the stigmas that surround them: their diet. It is funny how the diet of a creature creates so many assumptions in the mind of the public. If it eats plants, it must be peaceful (try saying that to the Khalkotauroi)! If it eats meat, it is evil and mean (I got some bad news about whales)! If it happens to eat dead things, then many call them gross and unsettling, usually leading to people chasing them off or hunting them down. The Colompo is a creature that lands in the latter category, as they are scavengers. In truth, they are considered omnivores, as they do munch on worms, grubs, fruit and any tasty morsels they find, but a huge part of their diet comes from rotting meat. Like mammalian vultures, they seek out carcasses and hurry to the scene, eager to chow on any leftovers they can get. Their teeth are good for gripping and pulling off pieces of tough meat, while their back molars do well against small bones and hardy chunks. Their toes are quite dexterous, which can help them grab hard-to-reach goodies or anchor them down as they yank on a stubborn strip of flesh. When they find a carcass, they will try to gorge as much as they can, storing food in special pouches in their neck. They are quick to feed because they know many others are competing for the same corpse, and often larger scavengers will aim to claim the whole carcass for themselves. At the size of a dog, they can try to push back against bullies at the dining table, but most Colompo will back down and scurry away. However, they do not run far off, as they prefer to use sneakiness over violence when it comes to getting food. While the new owner of the carcass focuses on their meal, the Colompos will quietly creep back to the scene. Colompos tend to travel in groups, and even if they were solo, a large enough corpse to bring in a feeding frenzy will draw in quite a few of these critters. When pushed away from their food, Colompos will band together to get a few more mouthfuls of food. When this happens, a few of them will rush in to harass the owner. This often involves nipping at tails, squawking loudly, spitting, spraying and being an absolute nuisance. Irritated, the larger beast will move to chase them off, leaving the carcass unattended for a few crucial moments. The other Colompos will rush in and grab what they can, scattering once the angry owner comes charging back. They will do this quite a few times, gaining a bit more food each time. Eventually they will relent, and the morsels they gathered will be shared amongst the group. 

While big carcasses are a favorite of the Colompo, they will go after any piece of rotten meat they can find. No matter how small the morsel, their nose will find it and they won't let it escape their hungry mouths. With this, they tend to be found anywhere that has spoiled food or rotting meat. Combine it with the fact that Colompos can be found in quite a few environments, and you have a rather widespread critter. From forests and swamps to city dumps and graveyards, the Colompo will be there. It is here where the trouble between the public and the Colompos begins. Since they are opportunistic omnivores and gleeful scavengers, they tend to get into places where they aren't wanted. Trashcans, junkyards, butcher shops and cemeteries can be feeding grounds for the Colompo as well as a headache for residents. Their dining can be a bit messy and their eagerness to go after fresher food can lead to comical and frustrating scenarios. From distracting customers to steal from a produce stand, to clambering on top one another to reach a cooling pie, Colompos will try anything to snag a meal. Unfortunately, this also means munching upon the recently deceased, as unattended graveyards can be buffets for them. Knowing that they will feed on a human corpse has cemented them as vile ghouls and evil creatures in the minds of many. To see the carcass of a former friend or family member be greedily devoured by hungry Colompos is a revolting thought, so many are quick to eradicate them if they start snooping around. I imagine they get the same reputation as vultures, as omens of death and bringers of disease, which is quite unfair! Since the Colompos will feed upon corpses, they have been associated with death and plagues. To see a roaming band of these critters means that disease and blight is sure to follow. Many are quick to point out that towns ravaged by sickness are often infested with Colompos, who surely brought this misery down upon the village folk. When the cattle drop dead in the field, who is there first? The Colompo. When the corpse wagons drop off diseased bodies at the pits, who happily greets them? The Colompo. So often do they show up around pandemics and death that people believe it is they who bring the plagues. Since this is seen as truth, Colompos are actively hunted and killed when they are spotted around cities and towns. Traps and poisons are often set out, and many farmers are quick to send the dogs after them when the Colompos start showing up. Those who attack them, though, are sure to be careful, as these plague bringers are surely not to be messed with. Their fangs drip with a necrotic venom that will rot your arm right off your body within seconds! Their spit harbors more then twenty plagues, and a single bite will cause your flesh to turn purple and swell until it bursts like a pus-filled balloon! They possess sacs that are filled with a foul acid that they spray at the faces of attackers, melting the flesh down to the bone! They will attack with the coordination and ferocity of a demonic legion, springing from the shadows with toxic jaws and tearing apart foes within sec- WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH! Just a heap of gall-infested junk that is nothing but the yapping of fools and the embellishment of attention seekers! How I wish I could tear up every page and scroll that spouts this wilting garbage! Colompos aren't venomous! They don't attack in groups! They don't spray acid, though they do spray a foul smelling substance at foes. You see, they have glands along their sides and near their rear that secretes a liquid that reeks like a rotten fish that was glazed and left out in the sun for a few weeks. When threatened they at first stand up tall, fan out their back flaps and puff up their chests. They hiss and growl, but do not lunge or seek to bite. If the attacker still charges forth, they turn tail and blast a stink trail behind them as they flee. Believe me, this stuff reeks and it doesn't come off easy! Get coated with it and be prepared to be banned from every town for the next three weeks! Some say tomato juice helps get the stench off, while others suggest really strong soap. My personal solution was to visit Marsh Dryad settlements and stay in their company. Their odor overpowered the one emanating from me, and I received quite a few compliments for my personal stench! Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, THEY DON'T SPRAY ACID! Absolutely preposterous, I say! Don't people ever do research before they write things down?!   No matter how many people claim it is the truth or how many scrolls present it to be so, Colompos are not bringers of pestilence! There have been many studies on Colompos over the years, and none have found that they carry these diseases in their bodies. The only reason they constantly show up during these plagues is because they are scavengers, you fools! They eat carcasses, so obviously they would go to where the bodies are piled the highest! The death and decay that comes from a sick village will lure them in, as they view it as a promising spot for food. Not only do they not cause plagues, but so far we have found that they are good for slowing them! Colompo stomach acid is quite powerful, and it is capable of destroying any disease that lingers in the meat they consume. By devouring virulent corpses, they can actually keep others from being infected! If the sickness is spread by parasites like fleas, Colompos can eat those as well! These creatures are important for cleaning up carcasses and removing sickness from the environment. The droppings they leave behind are free of these diseases and wind up nourishing a whole other group of creatures and plants! They do all this, and we thank them with hate and disgust?! How rude! Do you spit upon your garbage collector? Do you thumb your nose at the fellow who cleans latrines? Hopefully you say "no," because if you say "yes" than I really don't know what to do with you. I find it to be a darn shame that Colompos are forever associated with disease and death, as the species has so much more going on with them. I want to move away from the subject of plagues and instead talk about some of the other wonderful things about Colompos! The big one is that they are utter goofballs! They love to socialize with others of their kind, and it involves all sorts of running and playing. They scurry about and flap their fins wildly like crazed chickens! They make all sorts of stupid noises, and the way they stare with tongues hanging and drool dripping is quite hilarious! I honestly find them to be something out of a children's book, how comical they can be and how goofy their antics are. They are also good mothers! Colompos can have litters from about six to ten, and the mothers care for them until they are grown. They carry their young upon their backs, using their fins to protect them and shelter them from the elements. It is a good thing they can have so many babies, as it helps keep their populations strong despite the efforts of horrible people! I have also found that there are some that keep Colompos as pets! The owners are usually Marsh Dryads or similar hybrids, as strong odors is no bother to them, though I have seen others keep them around. A few Ghilani have been seen keeping Colompos, and I have heard that a human or two has done the same. Though I don't know if I could withstand the smell every day, I certainly applaud those that show such affection for these misunderstood creatures! Hopefully more folk get educated about the real facts about these creatures, and we can begin to show our appreciation for all they do!                   Chlora Myron Dryad Natural Historian ------------------------------------------------ This is a piece I finished recently that was dragon-based, so I decided to post it for Smaugust because it seemed fitting. This critter was made with the help of Lediblock2 , who had brought up the weird mammal/reptile rat lizard things that were supposed to be dragons in medieval paintings. Honestly they look more like the kind of beast that would raid a trashcan instead of a castle, and that was the concept they brought up. It was a fun idea to play with, and it resulted in this wonderfully gross little furball. They stink and eat garbage, but they are actual pretty nice creatures once you get to know them!

[pinky-the-elephant-room]

Moon

AN: Hello this is a preview of a multi chapter fic I’ve been working, I’ve posted the rest on AO3. Please check it out and give it some love. 

Summary: All Might has returned from America and has made his triumphant debut in Japan. Protecting and saving everyone with a smile just like his deceased master taught him, until one night he encounters an omega vigilante that makes him question everything even his alpha instincts

."You know what your doing is illegal right?" He asked seriously.

"Honey, the only illegal thing here is you in that spandex." She purred in response.

Heres the link. 

Warning: The Fic contains Explicit smut and violence with ABO elements read at your own discretion. 

-----------Young All Might x Fem OC------------

Yuna watched from afar as the villain dragged the young girl by her arm. Her shrill yells and cries for help echoed in the alley of the 7-Eleven. The clothing the girl wore and the fact she was still strolling in the middle of the night, no doubt she was of the many host girls in the Kabukicho district of Tokyo. Yuna had watched from the moment the girl stepped out of the bar to go home. Unfortunately, she was tailed by a man with a vulture quirk - he was probably a disgruntled customer who overstepped his boundaries. Host girls were only allowed to pour drinks and were paid for their company.

The man wanted more and discreetly followed her before approaching for sex. Yuna watched as he pulled out the money and tried to persuade her. Prostitution was illegal and to be honest as a vigilante, she didn’t care for the law. What she did care for was the fact he was now dragging her despite explicitly saying no.

Yuna readied her stance on top of the building from where she watched. The man readied himself to swing his heavy and bony wing at the poor girl as she continued to struggle. Yuna activated her quirk and a purple hazy portal opened behind the villain. The girl stopped and watched as the mysterious gateway opened revealing a large, eerie violet hand covered in scripts appeared behind the villain, slamming him down. The force of the impact blew the girl a few feet away and she tried to right herself. She watched the hand lifted itself and withdrew back into the portal. She glanced at the man who harassed her, she saw his body squished on the cracked cement floor and an outpour of blood pooling around him. She gagged and held a hand to her face.

Yuna leisurely used the building’s fire escape while her quirk did the work. Her spandex squeaked as she carefully maneuvered in her heels down the building. Yuna approached the girl and pulled her away from the unconscious bleeding villain.

“You alright?” She asked. “You could have been hurt. Next time you leave the workplace make sure no one’s following you ok?”

The girl, now stabilized, nodded shakingly. “Are you a hero miss? Thank you so much for saving me. Your quirk is amazing.”

Yuna smirked and winked cheekily. “I guess you can call me a hero. A hero for the people.” She looked over the girl making sure she wasn’t physically injured and told her to call the police when she was far away from the scene.

“But what about you? Are you going to be here with him?” The girl asked pointing in disgust at the unconscious man.

“You saw my quirk, right? I can handle whatever the moron might dish out if he can wake up with that concussion he probably has.” Yuna replied confidently as she flipped her hair out of her face.

The girl seemed to be convinced by Yuna’s sheer confidence and gathered her purse and jacket that was thrown in the tussle.

Yuna kept a firm eye on her as the girl quickly walked out of the alley and onto the busy streets of Tokyo. She quickly scaled her way back up the fire escape and onto the building surrounding the back of the 7-Eleven.

She wanted to be here when a hero would no doubt come to investigate along with a few police officers. She wanted to flaunt her quirk and rub it in their faces that a vigilante did their job. Most of all, she wanted to flirt with the dangers of almost getting caught before whisking herself away. Yuna privately hoped that the hero would be that prodigy rookie Endeavor - the look on his face as she stole his villain and laid him out before he did was priceless. It’s the reason she laid peacefully at night in her bed nowadays.  She snickered in her hands at the memory.

Yuna waited approximately about 15 or 20 minutes, listening to music on the wireless headphones she brought along with her phone stashed in the pockets of her spandex hero suit. The first thing she put in when she designed it was of course pockets.

Being a Korean by birth, listening to the ballads of her culture always soothed her, she might need to calm her nerves to face off whichever hero might come to investigate.

Luckily for her, this one made quite the entrance by leaping over the 7-Eleven and landing quite spectacularly next to the villain.

And what a spectacle he was. The hero was donned in a white and blue suit with red stripes and a long cape. It wasn’t the design that made the hero so awe-inspiring but rather his height and the way his muscles seemed to ripple in his suit. Even the two weirdo bangs that stood up like wings seemed intimidating rather than being absurd on him.

She licked her lips out of nervousness and quickly stashed her headphones and phone away. This was not what she was expecting. He was going to be an issue. She knew all the heroes who patrolled in the Kabukicho district. Most of all she knew their habits and quirks. Yuna had made it imperative to know who to avoid and who to fight. But this guy made her wish she never came out tonight.

Yuna squared her shoulders and waited as the hero kneeled and checked on the criminal. He took out what looked like a cell phone and put it to his ear and talked for a few minutes. As he was doing that, she noticed what looked like police lights over the 7-Eleven building and soon enough police officers were crowded in the alley.

The police officers signaled to the EMTs and they took over, loading the villain onto their ambulance. Meanwhile, the hero stood around, looking at nothing particular before having a short conversation with a police officer.

Yuna sighed. Perhaps this is for the best, she didn’t need to have amusement every time she caught a criminal. Until she got more information as to who this new guy was and his quirk, she wasn’t going to touch him with a ten-foot pole. She stepped away from the top of the building and slowly made her way across to the other side. Leisurely picked up her pace before running and then vaulting over to the next building.  She continued to jump building to building until she was a good distance away from the 7-Eleven.

What she didn’t notice was the hero that had noticed her take off from the scene. As Yuna stopped for a breather, a strong burst of wind was the only clue before a slam of the hero’s landing made her cover her face.

She opened her eyes and felt her breath hitch. He was even more impressive up close.  She barely reached his shoulders with her height of 5’8 and if she wasn’t mistaken his entire hand could cover her face. She hoped that she wouldn’t have to resort to fistfights with him. She was not about to get a shiner from his mammoth hands.

“So, you’re the vigilante that’s been patrolling this area.” He started.

God, even his voice felt like melted butter. Though he was speaking softly, his entire ensemble felt like he was being lowkey for her benefit. His whole style felt like he was the type to be flashy and totally in someone’s face.

Yuna let a flirty smile come onto her face and confidently walked to the hero as if she wasn’t just contemplating not getting punched by him.

“I am. It’s nice to know that I’m being recognized even by others I don’t know so what’s your name handsome?” She asked as she toyed with the strands of her hair.

The hero straightened as if he was about to deliver something with great importance.

“I’m All Might and I hope you realize that vigilantism despite your good intentions is wrong and illegal and that’s why-“

So, this was All Might. Yuna had heard of another talented rookie quickly rising through the hero ranks. She initially had cackled knowing that somewhere Endeavor loathed to know someone else was being called a prodigy besides him. Even Yuna could deduce how much of an ego he had from the few “encounters” they had. Since then Yuna hadn’t given All Might much thought. To the point she didn’t know what he looked like. Perhaps she was wrong in doing so.

She smirked and interrupted his sentence, “Honey, the only illegal thing here is you in that spandex.”

Yuna watched as the hero opened and closed his mouth several times as if in disbelief that someone about to be arrested was flirting with him. She watched in fascination as his ears and neck turned a violent red. Even his cheeks were a light rosy color.

She couldn’t help but notice how cute he looked flustered by a compliment. Yuna felt her confidence grow further and her nervousness resides, she knew exactly how to handle him, and it wasn’t with fists.

(Read the rest on AO3) Link Here

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #221

“god is making fun of me; he’s up there laughing, i can see.”

What type of toothpaste do you use? Crest. What is your favorite color(s) of eye-makeup? b l a c k Are you sexually active? No. Do you have sensitive skin? I guess? Are you egotistical? I have the self-esteem of like... a blobfish. Do you have an older sister? Multiple. Favorite song by Owl City? I like "Fireflies" and "Hot Air Balloon." What color is your mum’s car? White. Where do you keep your kitty litter box? In the hallway that connects the bathroom and kitchen. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? I AM MUCH MUCH LIGHTER. My dad is really dark-skinned from being a mailman for all my life. Always being outside does it. His arms especially are really really tan from sticking them out the window. Do you like apricots? Noooo. Do you like kinky sex? Never tried anything kinky before, so wouldn't know. What country were you born in? The U.S.A. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? LIQUID. Bar soap grosses me out, even though it's... yeah, soap. Like multiple people (if you live with others, anyway) are rubbing that on their body, no thanks. Do you believe being gay is a choice or a “disorder”? Neither; I believe it's a mutation. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhh jaybirds... cardinals... bald eagles... crows, ravens... vultures... peacocks... Victoria crowned pigeons... barn owls, horned owls, snowy owls... probably others. There's so many, I'm not musing over it forever. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? I don't live in a "neighborhood." But you see lots of crows in this area. If you don’t understand a reference in something, do you look it up? Sometimes. Depends on what it is, how interesting it is. Are you the kind of person to look at accident sites, when passing them by? Morbid curiosity gets the better of me here. Did you ever make dolls or hand puppets in primary/elementary school? Yeah. When you were little, what sorts of make belief did you play? Y'ALL I did the weirdest shit. I remember I loved mimicking A Bug's Life by taking a leaf and placing things like seeds and stuff on it, my little sister and I enjoyed "cooking" with plastic food and our oven set, we liked playing house with friends, OMG I FORGOT ABOUT HOW WE USED TO LOVE BEING MERMAIDS IN THE POOL, uhhh. Idr, there's other stuff for sure. I was really creative as a kid and loved playing make believe. Has a friend’s parent ever given you a present just because? I don't think "just because." What do you do with clothes you can’t wear anymore? We donate them, give them away to friends if they like something, or, when it comes to our favorite shirts, my mom has actually been working on creating a big blanket out of them since we were kids. I hope she finishes before her time's up. What is something you’re very particular about? How my food is prepared. What is your dearest stuffed animal that you own? Why is that? My moose Brownie from Cabela's in Ohio. I ALWAYS slept hugging him as a little kid and even teenager until Jason got me Rebel the meerkat. He's still on my dresser. Name something awesome from another culture that is not part of yours: Oh man, idk. When at a Chinese or Japanese restaurant, do you use chopsticks? I have pretty intense tremors. I could NEVER use chopsticks. What’s something you can’t wait for about growing old? Um, nothing? Nothing about being elderly seems fun. How do you expect your life to go like? How are you ensuring that? Ideally, it would be defined by contentment and success. I want to know financial peace, stability, and pride in what I've accomplished. I'm trying my damnedest to ensure this by going back to school, trying as hard as I can to push my photography, and work on my mental health. Or do you just wing it as you go? NO. I've always had plans and goals, and I act on the desire to achieve them. The only time I was truly "winging it" was during my suicidal depression phase after the breakup. I was literally too busy wanting to die but being too afraid to and so lost and hopeless that I didn't know what to do. What’s a yard game that you still enjoy playing as an adult? Hunny I don't go outside rip. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Portuguese man-o-war, probably. They don't have a fucking brain yet are alive????? And deadly as a mfer????? How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Sleep. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Well, shacks. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some anime. What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend? I don't think I have a set "favorite" way. What’s your “Death Row Meal”? I mean, it'd depend on what I wanted at the time? Do you like going to the movies or prefer watching at home? I strongly prefer going to the theater. Don't really know why, though... I guess the setting, being in the dark and watching on a huge screen? When you were a kid, did you eat the crusts on your sandwich or not? Yeah. I've never minded crust. What activity instantly calms you? Car rides where I can blare my music. Ideally, how would you spend your birthday? It'd depend on what I was up for that day. But definitely doing things with friends and family. What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard? Idk. I don't really like traditional jokes. Be witty. What’s the career highlight you’re most proud of? Ha. Do you think you’ll stay at your current company awhile? Why or why not? N/A How would your 10-year-old self react to what you do? That's like the most depressing thought possible lmao. What do you remember most about your first job? The fact I can't do customer service. All I remember is the anxiety. Did you start working immediately after finishing school? Why or why not? No. I just wasn't ready. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? I lasted two hours in a deli in a constant state of panic. Guess. What’s the best career decision you’ve ever made? Going back to school for a degree. What’s the worst career decision you’ve ever made? Trying the deli. How much time do you spend with your family? Like... none, almost ever. We all live in different places. Who do you most like spending time with and why? In my family? My mom, because we relate on a lot and just generally get along. Were you close with your family growing up? My immediate family, yes. How do you define your family now? Distant. What traits are most important to you in your family members? Being accepting and open-minded. And supportive. Who are you the closest to and why? My mom. I live with her and she's supported and loved me through everything. Do you want a family of your own? Why does "family" always have to mean including kids? I don't want any. I just want my s/o and pets. What’s your favorite family tradition? We don't really have any anymore. If you could change your relationship with a family member, would you? If so, with whom? Yes, with my oldest sister. She pretty much disowned me at one point, we reconnected, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me again. We are VERY similar according to Mom, so it'd be nice to be close with her, but. What’s your favorite family memory? As a family... uh. Idk. Probably some times we were all in the pool together when my parents were still together, having fun. What TV family most reminds you of your own? *shrugs* Do you ever wish you were raised differently? In some ways, yes. Chores absolutely needed to be more enforced. What’s the best piece of advice a family member has given you? Idk, I'm sure something my mom said about moving on from things. Do you wish you had more siblings? If so, why? I wish I had a little brother, but one I was still relatively close in age with. I would've rocked that protective big sister over slightly-younger bro jazz. It would've been cool to have another kid to play with, especially a guy instead of a relatively girly-girl; not trying to make any pre-judgments about an imaginary kid, but you get it. Stereotypes and all. It would've been nice to have a more boyish sibling. Did you ever hide anything from or lie to your parents? Yeah. If you had a family business, what would it be? That would never happen in my family. Do you and your family have any nicknames for each other? Nothing out of the ordinary; ex. they usually just call me "Britt," but it's clear and reasonable why. What’s your favorite way to spend time with your family? I mean it varies. My parents are divorced and best apart so we're never really "together" unless we're at my older sister's house for birthday parties or holidays. That's the only time we're really *all* together. How do you show your family you love them? Always being there to listen or offer a signature bearhug. Have you ever been to a family reunion? Noooo, our extended family is littered all throughout the country. What’s the most important holiday you spend with your family and why? Christmas. It just reminds me of being a kid again. Who in your family would you describe as a “character”? Ho boy, my grandma. It's hurting lately to think of her as a "character" now though, seeing as she's dying of cancer now. She starts chemo soon, but this one's a death sentence regardless. It's spread too much. My relationship with her is strained and difficult, but I care for her nonetheless, and I worry that I'm really going to feel it all crash when she dies and I probably won't be there due to distance and school. What’s something your family would be surprised to learn about you? Shit, my family doesn't know most big things about me, I think; not because they don't care, but because I'm embarrassed of hobbies and interests and thus secretive. Only my mom knows mostly everything. I guess more than anything, uhhh... I'm no longer a Christian? I was raised religious, so most probably just assume I still am, and I don't just go around talking about how I dropped my faith. Which family member do you confide in most? Mom. If you had only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.), which would you want? Sight, I think. What’s the first thing you look for in a partner and/or friend? A friendly, likable personality. When was the last time you shaved your legs? Oh wow, not since... around my birthday in February. The last person to say they loved you? Mom. Last thing received in the mail? For me, school textbooks. Do you have any famous relatives? Only ancestors. I consider "relatives" different/closer. Have you ever had sex in a public place? No. Have you ever been searched by the cops? It was either staff or police who did so the numerous times I went into the hospital and ER for my mental state. Are you any good at math? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? No. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? No. Well, I think. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life? Yes. Have you gone to college/uni? What is/was your major? I'm in college now! My major in this school is organismal biology because they don't have zoology. I'm getting what I need here and then going to a university for zoology. What color is your best friend’s hair? Brown. Where were you going the last time you were a passenger in a car? Yesterday otw home from school. Have you ever dated someone who had a kid from a previous relationship? No, and I wouldn't. What was the last event that was a turning point in your life? Going back to school! :') What’s your favorite setting in nature? (mountains, beach, desert, etc…) M O U N T A I N S  M O T H E R F U C K E R What hair color is most common in your family? BROWN. Almost everyone is brown-haired. For how long has your favorite band been your favorite? Damn, it's been Ozzy Osbourne since 6th or 7th grade, and I'm 23 now. He probably always will be. I'm hopefully seeing him next year and I'm!!!!!!!! not!!!!!!!!!! prepared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you have any photos on your refrigerator? What are they of? Yeah. There's numerous of my older sister and her fam, plus my grandmother and her husband. Maybe others, idr. What color are the pillows on your couch? We don't have pillows on there. Have you ever gone more than 5 years without going to the dentist? No. My mom always makes sure her kids keep up with health check-ups. Do you have a hard time sleeping when you’re away from home? It depends on the emotional and physical comfort of where I am, really. Do you know anyone who got engaged while still in high school? I believe so. Are you friendly to retail employees? Honestly, fuck you if you're not for no good reason. Half the shit you complain about isn't their goddamn fault. Do you know anyone who litters? Not regularly, no. I wouldn't associate with them, I don't care how simple that sounds. However, I kept my mouth shut at my nephew's last b-day party because the kids let balloons up into the air; they tend to end up on beaches or in the ocean, so technically, it's littering, but I didn't want to seem like an asshole. I'm certain my sister didn't really think about that though, or else she wouldn't have allowed it. Do you think your neighbors have any complaints about living near you? No. We don't do any harm. The dogs bark sometimes, but not obnoxiously loud to where you can hear it if you're in your house. What was the last kind of soup you ate? I tried canned vegetable soup when my tongue piercing was healing, but I didn't like it. Where do you usually buy groceries from? Wal-Mart or Harris Teeter, depending on a few circumstances. What’s your favorite candy? Reese's if you include chocolate, strawberry Sour Punch Straws if not. Have you ever gone to a strip club? No, not my kinda scene. Are you jealous of anyone? *Envious, yes. Last song listened to? why????? do i like????????? "love rhymes with fuck you" by j star??????????? Do you take vitamins daily? No; only on Sunday I take a vit. d pill because otherwise I'm severely deprived. Is anyone jealous of you? I HIGHLY doubt that, homie. Last CD you listened to? Metallica's "Ride The Lightning" album when Mom and I were otw to my therapist once and my iPod wasn't working. This was FOREVER ago and I'm pretty sure it's still in there, lmao. Is there something you want to tell someone? I'm going to die wanting to see Jason one final time and apologize to him for how I treated him after the break-up. When you eat Frosted Flakes, do you add sugar in it? NOOOOOOO not a fan of Frosted Flakes. How many kids do you want to have? Zero. Have you ever gone behind your parents' backs? I actually don't think so... Who’s the biggest hugger you know? Ashley's huband's grandma will give you a hug even if she met you for only five seconds. Not a bad thing, it's just kinda uncomfortable. Where did you get your worst scar from? Surgery. Do you name your stuffed animals? Some. Have you ever been to Disney World? Yes. What is your favorite roller coaster, and where is it? My ass will not sit in a roller coaster, probably ever. What is your favorite state? From what I've seen, I find Utah the prettiest. Do you own any form of a Gameboy? I have a red Gameboy Advance that somehow still works. How is the world going to end? I find a meteor striking to be most likely, or we're swallowed by a black hole. Do you have any pets? Do you want any/more? Yes, and I do want another ball python morph, as well as a bearded dragon. Though if/when Sara and I move in together, Doris will be enough for a beardie, oml I love that sassy baby. :') <3 How did you find out about Myspace? Probably my older sister, or classmates. Are you careless with your information on the internet? "Maybe by some people’s standards." <<< Change "maybe" to "probably" for me, lol. I'm trying to improve, though. Have you ever owned a lava lamp? No, but my older sis had one as a teen. I want one SO BADLY. Is it better to color with markers, crayons, or colored pencils? Colored pencils, by far. Do you like to draw or write better? Write. I get more satisfaction out of drawing something I like, but I draw so rarely because I'm painfully critical over what I make. Do you have a favorite cousin? No. Can you knit? No. Are you interested in more than one person at the moment? Nope. Who are your last three missed calls from? Mom, Mom, and a number I didn't recognize. What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? I dunno. Have you hung out with any guys recently? No, but I miss Girt, so I should invite him over some time soon. Do you like your school? I love my school. They are very invested into their students' success, as well as being a community. Who’s the weirdest teacher at your school? I wouldn't know, I've only been here a month. Do you have nightmares often? Apparently. Mom sleeps on the couch right outside my door, and I spook her quite a lot by waking up screaming or attacking my bed, she says. Thank God I don't tend to remember them. Clarification, they're not night terrors or anything like that. I'm just pretty active in my sleep, such as talking and such. Can you remember how old you were when your appearance started to matter? I was kinda self-conscious in middle school 'cuz BOY was I an ugly duckling. How frequently do you pee at night? I almost without fail get up once a night to go. Do you name your pet fish, if you have any? N/A Do your parents care about you cussing? Dad doesn't, but Mom does about "severe" words, so I try to censor myself around her. Who is your favorite person in the world? Sara. Who do you spend most of your time with? I live only with my mother, so. Is there a stuffed animal you still take places with you? No. Last insult you received? Idk. Have you ever eaten Pop Rocks and drank Coca-Cola at the same time? Yoooo I think I did once at a b-day party, but not a lot bc I was scared lmao. At concerts, do you buy merch? I've only been to one, but I did. I would if I went to more. I've missed some fucking amazing bands' concerts this past year, and it's really annoying me now. Are you gullible? Not really. Do you get excited easily? No. Are you a headbanger? No, I'd get dizzy with a headache on board. First concert you went to? Alice Cooper. What venue was that at? Somewhere in Raleigh, idr. Have you ever been out of state for a concert? No. Are you fascinated by outer space? I don't know a person who isn't. It's very intriguing. Do you shop for new clothes each season? No. Is your hair dyed right now? If so, what color is it? No, but damn I want to. I wanna dye it lilac. I just need a professional to do it. Do you look up your symptoms online whenever you have a problem? Not "whenever," no. I typically just ask Mom. Do you eat enough fruits and vegetables? No. Definitely not vegetables. Do you have dreams that you’re not giving up on? Being truly content with my life one day. Do you think your hair looks better up or down? It's too short to go up. Do you like bare trees or green-leaved trees better? I prefer autumn trees. What season would you want to get married in? October/November, preferably, when the trees are all pretty. <3 What does your favorite stuffed animal look like? I have three "favorites," those being Brownie, Plum, and Rebel. I've already talked about Brownie the moose, then Plum is a stuffed snake from Sara that she'd had growing up, and Rebel is my stuffed meerkat from Jason that I always slept with while we were together and for a very long time after the break-up. He was a big comfort to me, and though he's a bittersweet stuffed animal now, idk. A lot of memories. His fur is all matted and you can just tell that fella has seen some love. Do you collect anything? Meerkat & Silent Hill stuff. What was the last book you read? I'm almost done with The Handmaid's Tale for school, and it is fucking phenomenal, coming from someone whose love for reading slipped away long ago. I have never in my life read a book with such vivid imagery and description. When was the last time you moved to a new house? The beginning of 2017. How long was your longest relationship? 3 1/2 years. Tell me about how your parents met. How old were they? They met through work. Idk how old they were, somewhere in their 30s, probably. What makes your bedroom special to you/what is your favorite part about it? It is VERY personalized; my room is looooaaaaded with shit relating to me and my interests, and that's what I love about it. It's very homey to me, surrounded by my passions. When washing your hands, do you wet your hands or put soap on first? I put soap on first. When was the hardest you ever cried? What was the circumstance? I think the night of the breakup, when Mom essentially dragged me home from trying to walk to his house to talk. I entirely fell apart. When it comes to school, how motivated are you to work? It depends on where I am, actually. I'm at school for hours most days because my schedule fits into Mom's to avoid driving back and forth, and while I'm waiting in the library, I'm very motivated, even a bit obsessive. Meanwhile, at home, I don't want to work like... at all. I'm so used to this being my chill place. Do you know any high school sweethearts? How’s life treating them? My sister and her husband dated for a while in HS, actually, and they seem just fine. I'm sure my former friend and her husband are still together, and they've dated since middle school. I haven't had contact with her for like a year or so now though so idk how they are. Where do you usually buy your clothes? HotTopic or Wal-Mart. If you had to be a school teacher, which subject would you teach? Science, probably. But God FORBID I ever be a teacher; I wouldn't last. Which is the scariest ride you have ever been on in a theme park? Whatever that ride is where you sit in a bunch of chairs in a circle, go up way too damn high, and drop. I did it as a yolo even though I was terrified, and yeah, I screamed way too fucking loud. Never again.

[socio-png]

The Sims – A personality-filled escapism

I logged onto the Sims on a Thursday after a full day at uni. Next thing I know, 3 hours had passed; my Sim Maya had advanced to the next stage of her career; she attended a party, met a guy and went on a few dates. I would have continued playing hadn’t it been for my growling stomach at 9PM calling out for the dinner I had skipped. In the span of 3 hours, I was completely immersed in a world of my own imagination. And that instance got me thinking of why I got into Sims in the first place. And why this game has attracted so many players and keep them engaged in its world for decades.

I took to Reddit and Tumblr to find out the answers and came back with various types of responses. I asked: “What  got you into playing the Sims in the first place? Would you consider it as a portrayal or extension of yourself/ your mind?”

The question was set out to explore the dynamics between the players and the play, to discover the initial attraction of the Sims and whether it provides its players with a mirrored world that they can escape into. The answers were varied, but there were certainly re-emerging themes (access via my other blog post to see all the responses). The initial gateway that leads players to play Sims is generally objective: some were given as a present, some started playing because a relative/partner/friend was playing, some were simply bored. There was one instance where a player stated that the Sims was a part of their mental healing from family issues and that the game helped them “cheer up” .  

However, the reason for their stay and their long-term commitment to the game was the ability to escape and immerse one’s imagination into the gameplay. The responses I get back majorly included the words “creativity” and “escape”, proving that the Sims allows their players to be freely creative and be completely engaged with their own simulated world. The Sims, as its genre falls into sandbox or simulation game, is designed to let people project their wish fulfilment and be in total control of their own “digital” lives. Many instances of the Sims modding community on Tumblr who offers expansion packs of celebrity-look-alike, vampire mansions, futuristic alien decors, etc are all created to satisfy players’ desire to escape in their Sims world and live out an alternative life. Myself included, though I did not engage in the modding community, I found myself designing my Sims to be the better-looking version of myself, making her have all the attributes and artistic ability that I wish I had time for in real life. The Sims has allowed me and many other players a space to fulfil one’s desire and goals they might never think they had.  

These observations led me to discover a concept often mentioned when discussing game media: escapism. The term is used to describe the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities (Oxford). Particularly in media studies, game has been a prevalent medium for escapism because of its immersive nature (Guan – Vulture)

We turn to games when real life fails us – not merely in touristic fashion but closer to the case of emigrants, fleeing a home that has no place for them.  (Guan – Vulture)

This is also where video games gain its bad reputation, for escapism is often discussed to be the factor for video game addiction and it is scarcely mentioned as something positive (Calleja, 2010). Video games are often viewed as being inherently escapist for two main reasons: its offer of an attractive alluring virtuality as opposed to reality, its play and games as opposite of seriousness and work from the ordinary life (Calleja, 2010).  But this negative notion of addictive gaming culture is challenged and argued that digital games are escapist, but not any more than any other engaging activity. If we consider movies, or volunteer work, or simply reading are experiences necessary to a person’s enjoyment and fulfilment, then video games are merely a form of simulated experience in which their distinct escapist trait is “their ability to provide such a variety of designed experiences” (Calleja, 2010). This is especially true to the Sims, as there are few instances of Sims addiction but more of Sims engagement. The god-like nature of Sims gameplay opens up a vast rays of opportunities for self-portrayal and self-fulfilment that may be a better alternative of escapism when compared with drugs, alcoholism and gambling addiction (UNILAD). Thanks to its reality-simulation nature, the Sims is perfect for a person to escape social normality where pressures and chronic stresses are prevalent. In the SIMS, the gamers are free to create a perfect reality in which they have full control over the outcome.

This is where the term “escapism” meets it complication. What exactly are we escaping from? The binary notions of virtuality and reality separated by our computer screen is arguably being blurred out by modern technology and the on-going debate over ‘what defines reality?’ (Calleja, 2010) . It might be because of the game’s spatiality: a digital game can, for now, only be accessed via a certain technology medium (laptop, phone, PC,…) as opposed to others types of escapism such as books, or DJ-ing where the experiences are enjoyed in real life. But escapism is an important and unavoidable aspect of our culture (Tuan, 1998), and video games just so happen to allow for such escape in a spectrum unlimited and forever broadened by technology. Playing into this notion, the Sims stands out as “a better reflection of who we are as humans today” (Crecente, 2013).

Here’s an excerpt from my random thoughts while playing the Sims:

Date N/A –

Maya is pursuing her hobbies of playing guitar, being an Art person while maintaining a relationship with her boyfriend. I try to let her go to work for half a day, then let her socialise, practice guitar and hang out with her boyfriend for the other half. She’s pretty much set until I can access another chapter for her. But looking at her stories laying out like this, I think she’s a better version of myself. These are all the thing I have always wanted but does not have the time or resource to do. Wishing I could go out tomorrow and just get myself an electric guitar just cause.

I was jealous of Maya, in a weird way, since she turns out to be what I projected personality and hobbies and desire will be like in the future. When I log onto the Sims, I’m living the life I want to live. When a Redditor play the Sims, all their Sims tend to be offshoots of their personalities. When a Simblr (Tumblr blogs dedicated to Sims) started playing the Sims when she was 8, it helped her with mental health issues and gain the feeling “when someone goes through whatever you been through but they have figured out to escape the issue before you”. When a Success writer wrote about the Sims, she said it “taught her to really live” (Friedlander, 2017). Not only does the Sims allow for an escape, but it allows for an escape filled with one’s own personality and traits, filled with freedom to create another chapter in one’s imagination. It’s a creative outlet as well as a mirrored image for its players that hardly any other game has the ability to recreate.

[on-the-wings-of-hope-prose-en]

Design 2.0

Dear eternal comrade Maker!

A certain representative of a long-suffering planet from the Milky Way galaxy with both simple and unobvious name “Earth” is asking you to conduct a redesign of our mortal receptacles of the eternal spirit and to perform several corrections.

You, as the Son of Man, who passed personally his perilous earthly journey as a member of our civilization, certainly know, what primary design flaws, committed by your Angels, these above-mentioned receptacles along with their spiritualizers still possess. And if the aspect of free human will lies outside the competence of these Angelic Bioengineers, the question of developing and changing bodily forms is under their direct creative control.

Respected Maker! I sincerely want to draw your attention to the following number of shortcomings inherent in the entire product line of these creations:

1. Primates-like behavior. Having physically descended from the apes, humans somehow surprisingly and brazenly preserved their inherent habits such as mischief, shouting, thievery, silliness, and other series of intellectual imperfections, with which they still flaunt to each other! There can be no reasonable explanation for this phenomenon – it’s quite obvious that they put themselves in the category of sapient ones far too early. Perhaps, bird-people would be a more appropriate solution, allowing with one or two strokes to solve a lot of transport problems and more efficiently use space in the lower levels of the planet’s atmosphere? In extreme cases, I hereby ask you to consider the option of cat-people – their innate cleanliness and the presence of fur cover would solve the problem of settling the territories of the far North without the necessary melting of glaciers and flooding of the land.

2. Preservation. The protein base chosen by your engineers is significantly inferior in terms of toughness to some materials used in creating the bodily forms of representatives of different civilizations. Is it any wonder that earthlings are trying to turn themselves into cyborgs, make all sorts of praises to silicon processors, and have already created a whole valley with the same name? You certainly know that they think of immortality only as of the unlimited duration of the existence of their external forms, and that is why they are trying to extend the duration of their existence through cybernetics? And how many exterminations of these bodily forms, including mass ones, have been made over the past centuries, it’s not for me to tell you. Perhaps, silicon-based bodies would be the golden mean between their endless desire for mutual and self-destruction, and their wish for a longer bodily life?

3. Recovery. The questionable toughness of our bodies is supplemented by non-obvious and limited mechanisms of recovery processes. Even lizards can grow themselves a new tail, why are we any way different? The tail is, most certainly, is still a remnant, but the skill of restoring limbs would help many of us to literally “get back on their feet”. All in all, even new teeth can grow in place of former baby ones. Given the cost of dental prosthetics, this opportunity would be truly priceless!

4. Consumption. The huge disparity between the consumption of the rich and the poor risks plunging our world into a new series of social disasters and civil wars. Could you please compensate for the process of hyper-consumption with bio-programs of depression and searching for the meaning of life, while simultaneously activating the processes of self-healing in the bodies of the humiliated and destitute people? All in all, we must finally understand that money doesn’t bring joy and happiness!

5. Secretion. This is truly something inconceivable! I, most certainly, clearly understand that we have already polluted the entire Earth to upper limits with our wastes, but why do you keep constantly provoking us to keep doing this nonsense with our bodily mechanics? And I am not even talking about the sad fact that the most advanced scientific geniuses have still not discovered a way to eat at night and not getting fat! Maybe we should take some interesting ideas from the field of flora – say, photosynthesis? To reach for the light – is it not a commendable aspiration even in its bodily expression? As a last resort, I ask you to reduce the food standards required for life support, because the amount of “balloon people” has already exceeded all the limits allowed by the body’s aesthetics!

6. Reproduction. Despite some pleasant aspect of the physical process itself, which is certainly not as delightful as spiritual enlightenment and ecstasy, the very process of finding suitable couples, carrying children, and subsequent childbirth is by no means short and painless. It is unlikely that you planned to punish the entire female race for the sins of a certain ancient Eve, so I would venture to offer that you reduce the time required for the bearing of children, as well as the pain of the childbirth process while increasing the speed of their self-evolution. And if you desire to change the process of reproduction at least for a while so that unworthy people cannot have children – they will become one of the greatest values of any society, as you wanted to be!

7. Finalization. As the saying goes, all our bodies return “to the ashes as they were”. Unfortunately, the very process of this return is fraught with a lot of trouble and suffering for those close to the ones who are returning to you. In some poor countries and cultural traditions, we are not even talking about ashes – dead bodies can be simply “thrown overboard” to the delight of vultures or fish. I am certain that you will agree that this is, to put it mildly, not the best way to honor the memory of a departed soul. How much more interesting it would be if, on the day of departure, our body began to gradually disappear into thin air, clearly symbolizing the illusory basis of purely materialistic views! Neighbors would always have time to say goodbye to the departing person and would not need to conduct all these enchanting fiery procedures, and the departure itself would leave behind a sweet aftertaste with notes of light sadness and the promise of a second coming. And as an additional free bonus – people would stop being afraid of ghosts! Please, consider this option, all right?

P.S. Due to emerging dangerous trends of degradation of human minds and bodies back to the level of animals, I kindly ask you to protect the intelligent representatives of our world from their rapidly becoming feral neighbors.

Everything is in your hands! Don’t ever give up, please!

29.11.2020

[amypca]

GCOP200: Seminar: All Ur Viral Phenomena R Belong 2 Us.

“Viral phenomena are objects or patterns that are able to replicate themselves or convert other objects into copies of themselves when these objects are exposed to them. They get their name from the way that viruses propagate”

Image of Walker Evens Photograph

To me this remind me of the photograph by Walker Evens that was copied by Sherrie Levine in 1981 from a reproduction of the Evens photograph. Although originally Walker Events invented that picture it was resurfaced through Levine’s use of it. In fact the earliest western traditions of aesthetic thought defined art as mimesis or the imitation of the visible world.

This is an interesting thought when thinking about what to theme my essay on!

“Things go viral for so many different reasons. Cultural studies is a way of trying to read how culture works. An essay looking at what makes something viral might include looking at trends, forecasts, past events, ideas, political activism, and much more.”

When I think of the word ‘Viral’, I think internet sensations that were made out of humour or an interesting act that was filmed. I also think about the word Viral as something to be feared, as people have become famous through this wish they had never done it. There is always a light and dark side to the Internets viral content. Some thoughts for this theme in the essay would be to reminisce on past viral’s and look into how it changed their life

The posthuman:

N. Katherine Hayles

“How We Became Posthuman: Virtual Bodies in Cybernetics, Literature, and Informatics, 1999″

After having a flick through the PDF online version of this book I realised that ‘The transformation of Media’ has a lot to do with my we dress, talk and think the way we do, It’s down to television and the many influencer’s that produce a nation of look a likes.

The Cyborg by Donna J. Haraway

I found this read absorbing as it’s main subjects include Science , Technology, and Socialist - Feminism in the late twentieth century - which for it’s time was quite abstract and not talked about at all. It conquers “reality and as an imaginative resource” and captures the twentieth century as being the “Mythic” time in our world.

How does all ur viral phenomena r belong 2 us relate or link to previous GCOP lectures and seminars?

I suggest that it is linking the theme’s of all lectures together. For example the ‘Teddy Boy’s and Haul Girls” lecture faced critical analysis of subculture and what we choose for our beliefs. Another would be the “Nothing Is Original And That’s Okay” as it over steps the questioning of our own work, comparing it to the famous origins. This Seminar is questioning the everyday oddness of our everyday. Over all I believe that these lectures are all linked by ones opinion.

The Art of Going Viral | Niki Johnson 

This TedTalk goes back to my previous statement where I said “There is always a light and dark side to the Internets viral content “ showing that fame and fortune may come through the way you are presented in a certain point in time but then you have to live with that you forever on due to the internet.

Hills and Valleys. Niki Johnson

“Hills & Valleys (2016) is a large-scale sculpture made out of aluminum signage from Planned Parenthood healthcare centers closed under Governor Scott Walker's administration in Wisconsin. The production of this piece repurposes nearly every square inch of the signage from five clinics, into a sculptural image of a woman's hips, groin and thighs. Atop her pubic mound is a mirrored vajazzle of our nation’s capitol. The mirror was purchased from Hobby Lobby, the conservative corporation who won a landmark Supreme Court victory in 2014 allows corporations to deny their female employees birth control on religious grounds. “

This piece is extremely powerful to me as it represents the women are seem through the eye of the beholder - being a mixture of nature/oasis to being seem as a women's lower half. It is the perfect mixture to the message she was sending to the “healthcare centers closed under Governor Scott Walker's administration”. 

Task:

Investigate something that has gone ‘viral’. This could be an internet sensation, a campaign in your field/discipline, a music video, your favourite meme, a hashtag that you have been involved with or one that you disagree with... anything at all that resonates with YOU, and covers some of the issues presented in the lecture.

Kevin Carter - Vulture

In response to Task -

This image above hold’s a place of tragedy that went viral as the photographer Kevin Carter killed himself after falling into a deep depression when the photograph was published. He felt guilty that he did not help the child but took a photo and later learned that the child had died from starvation. To me this photo holds so much pain but all we are left with is the photograph and that’s how it gained much more of a following, as terrible as it is the death of Kevin Carter only enhanced the popularity over the picture. 

HERE’S A ARTICLE I FOUND TELLING MORE DETAIL -

https://medium.com/@denislesak/how-the-vulture-and-the-little-girl-ultimately-led-to-the-death-of-kevin-carter-d9871c4137f2

LINKS -

https://monoskop.org/images/5/50/Hayles_N_Katherine_How_We_Became_Posthuman_Virtual_Bodies_in_Cybernetics_Literature_and_Informatics.pdf

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Cyborg_Manifesto

https://nikijohnson.com/Hills-Valleys

[hanzi83]

It’s been a while

I have not written a blog since the Trump presidency has begun, but if you follow me on social media, you know I have been active on there, periscope, and even Facebook live, spewing my conspiracy theories, ranting irrationally about my depression, while people sit idly by and pretend they actually care about other people’s mental illness, when these industry types who preach about people getting help etc sit back and watch others break down for their own amusement. If these people actually gave a fuck about mental illness, maybe start with the vultures who run your industry who help perpetuate this type of behavior and have rewarded it and in the process dumbed down an entire generation.

I don’t want to get into it in detail because I am unsure if this blog will even post. I tried to write one on New Years because again I am left alone while local people I know have been rewarded from my misery and then pretend they actually give a fuck about me, when they love taking from me and then pretending they care. Then they show up on my social media platforms under false names and start name dropping a bunch of personal things they know about me and I am stuck here useless which works to their advantage, because no one believes anything I say and even if they do, they know they can’t say a word so they play dumb about it.

I think these people want me to do something to myself so they have an excuse to take action against me. I am the victim of gang stalking because I chose to be open about how I don’t think the world is run the way it is, and now because of that, people in my life and other paid trolls have made it a mission to be transparent as fuck with what is going on and they will use my own mental illness against me.  They want to talk about how they care about me, but these cowards allow paid trolls to harass me constantly and try to bait me out and put out traps for me to fall into.

No one in the media will ever investigate this, and I am not the only one who is being gang stalked. I am not the only one who is being monitored constantly and seen as red flags. I don’t know what these people have in store for me. Even when I am writing on my lap top, in what is supposed to be my personal journal,  I know it is monitored heavily and they even move my cursor around while I am typing to make their presence known and wanting me to go crazy. The genius part about this is, no one will help, because everyone in this has been compromised.

These same people pretend they are nice family people, yet their marriages are only based off convenience because their expendable ass is only needed to have kids and then neglect them so they can watch me on my social media platforms, and if they are not doing that they are probably bombarding every hip hop site to promote their white supremacist talking points in the comment sections. These people to me are not randomly typing stuff on the internet, they are paid to do so.

They have limited me to my very core in hopes that I lose my mind and reach out for their help because they know I am supposed to be valuable to the game, yet they can’t feed me my ego yet so they want me to ask for their help so I owe them something, when they all owe me for making their lives better and my connection to the Stern Show has opened backdoor deals for all of these people to prosper. Whether its meeting celebrities, getting to contribute to movies/television,  having elaborate gatherings,  and then inviting me to the limited ones, because you can’t have me at your gathering unless you get some profit out of it. There is no other reason why these people give a fuck about me. When it comes to their agendas, they will take care of it first. No one in the media will ever investigate it because even the “good” alternate media is also controlled.  Stern can take the appropriate measures to fuck with me. By the way, these are just theories, I don’t have any proof and even if I did, it would not be allowed to be investigated because these people are all controlled and for some reason they have chosen me to fuck with and will continue to fuck with.

It is very scary what is going on. And it seems with Trump in office, even though I feel he doesn’t have the real power, the people who are controlling these situations have an excuse to fuck with people even more. I don’t know if this is on purpose,  so it becomes defeated, but someone doesn’t like that I pointed out Stern has connection to Trump, and even though he let it leak that he donated 1000 bucks to Hilary, it was meant, in my opinion, to be a distraction from the fact he donated to Trump, even as far as being shocked that he won and got upset at his staff for voting for him, and I wonder who is controlled staff takes orders from to vote for someone of Trump’s stature.

Now I am being watched and monitored constantly. I did this to myself, hoping that I could die someday but clearly these people don’t want me to leave, because it is a lot more fun to torture me mentally and emasculate for their own amusement because they hate that they are in fake marriages and have to have kids that they don’t want and then completely neglect them because they are in the closet. That’s fine, but when these cowardly types do that it’s for business purposes so they can spew racist propaganda. That’s why when someone of color says something slightly homophobic, they will generalize and say it is  a part of their community and culture, while a bunch of right wing type who are in the closet spew racist rhetoric and get away with it because people behind the scenes know they are gay, and yet you can’t make that accusation that there is a lot of racism in that community, because it would be wrong to generalize people like that, but these industry cowards get away with it and smile gleefully while  perpetuating and promoting we need more anti Muslim movies that exist

Nothing will ever stop. These people are committed to fully stalking anything I do online and organize paid harassment and these same industry cowards, who don’t make their money entertaining, it’s trolling online for side money, will ridicule people who need safe spaces, while they are the ones who need safe spaces because they would rather harass people online and not admit who they are because they have an image to stay true to. It’s fucking garbage. I fucking hate all these people who have been forced to do this and how they all take pleasure from it.

I despise that these do gooders in the industry will promote the suicide hotline after the fact that someone kills themselves, and pat themselves on the backs for it, when they could just speak out against the people who help cause this and when you point this out, they will act like someone such as myself has not taken accountability for it, while they refuse to take accountability for what they contribute to and how many lies they put out in this world and then play “I am just an entertainer” card and advocating free speech, all while ridiculing people mentally into silence.

I wish I could stay away but I never expected to be alive this long and the fact that I am, I am just filling up time. I don’t care who is getting married or who is having kids. I don’t want to be here for any of it because I don’t fit this mold that is expected of me in the world and instead of granting me my wish of letting me leave this world, they will make me stay and have to cry myself to sleep thinking about how much my own family and friends have done without me. And then I am the asshole because I want to express myself and then when I do, I will pay the price for it because that is what these people do to me. No one actually gives a fuck about me nor have they ever. People need me they said, and then leave it at those vague answers, while I think Stern and his posse organizing harassment online. Even with people seemingly believing me, it won’t do anything. No one wants to speak out about this and they will sit back and watch until something happens to me and then for their fucking fake internet points and likes, they will start showing some support or compassion. It is disgusting how selfish these pieces of shit are.

By the way they probably won’t let this one post. I remember I wrote 5-6 pages worth on New year where I wanted to bitch about people locally having such secrecy and transparency at the time and it was not allowed to post, but for some reason I was allowed to post one sentence about how my post won’t show up. I posted it 30 times and the original one did not post. So they are fucking with my speech and my movements.

People can only interact with me on fake accounts so they can tell me certain truths, name dropping food I have consumed that day to make it seem like they know, but then pretend they are nobody trolls who are just fans of mine. These people are not fans of mine. If they are, they are the worst fucking fans of existence. They will hype me up, while at the same time putting me down for even thinking I am worth more than what they present in the system. They all are now showing off their perks on their various radio shows and still have not even thanked me for contributing to it and helping it out, while they stole my ideas and my likeness.

As I type this right now, they will keep watching me and monitoring it. They will eventually have hold of my personal journal and leak it out and then blame me for writing personal stuff in there because that is what they do. They will find a way to fuck with me more. The sad part is these are people who I known since I was a little kid, and these people are also after me like no other. They won’t admit it, none of them will. They even say shit like “We can’t have you doing that, and ruin our lives” but they are okay with ruining my life and leaving me vulnerable for their own gain. It is sickening. I don’t want to be here and I wish at some point they can take me out of here and it feels like more and more they are planning my demise.

I have decided to see a therapist and even then that will be provided me by the same system that is fucking with me. They want someone to monitor what I will say so they can report it back and if I even tell them this, they will obviously deny it because officially these people can’t admit they are reporting this shit to people, but when gangstalking is involved, and you are on a monitored list, you can oversee anything and have a justified excuse to do it because to most common folk I am a danger to society, even though I am not a violent person, and I don’t have access to any weapons. I hope you people are happy with what you have accomplished in tearing another human being down  and then pretending you care about protecting people etc, all this while you make numerous people around the globe feel like they are the most mentally ill people in this world.  I would expect this blog to guilt some people, but most of them are soulless individuals and even if it affects them they will find ways to project it on to other people and make them suffer because their feelings are the ones who are fragile and can’t take any criticism because they are in the in crowd and then they show up as regular people in front of my face and act like they want to partner up for a podcast. I don’t have any interest in partnering up with any cowardly person who has harassed me online and posted lies about me online. They put out stuff like “Hanzi threatened Howard” knowing fully that I didn’t threaten anyone, but these buzzwords create a red flag and have people looking into me. That is what these other radio show hosts do as well, because most of these entertainers are working for people in these positions. This is all my opinion. Again I have no facts, and even if I did, none of you will care to believe me because none of you want to break the  system, you want it to keep flourishing with white supremacist talking points that is so embedded into the system, that’s why they fight hard for white supremacists freedom of speech, while minorities don’t even have free movement.

[thegnasticious]

Advertisers of Death pt. 1

“Somewhere in a city you’ve only visited in dreams

lies an office stuck in the heights of a silver scooped skyscraper.

Every memory you’ll ever have ends there,

every affection, movement, possession will lie in the darkness of it’s corners someday,

tucked away in a file bin of lost people.

The only way you could navigate the corners and curves of this tower is with an intense knowledge of patterns and symmetry, alike to a prophet. The building itself is a shell. What you think happens next builds the next room before you can blink an eye. Painting it with the most beautiful and ugly people you have ever seen, fooling you so perfectly into believing you are more then that”

A tall, Black suited man stood in front of a crowd of businessmen. He rubbed his chin as he analyzed the audience. Stubbles of black hair bristled his fingers, He appeared gaunt in size on the stage; like a giant. The audience murmured and speculated as the man began to pull a rope to a giant purple curtain. As the curtain pulled at both sides, the orangish chandeliers above dimmed to a light glow. Lights illuminated from a silver cylinder attached to the floor and ceiling. A blue luminescence grew, showing the design of an immaculate skyscraper. The tall suited man blew a puff of smoke from a silver cigarette into the hologram. Smoke intwined with the lights, showing the fragments of colors.

“This is a place you come to stay. We take you in. But once you’re here, it’s not so easy to get out. We want you to know this first and foremost, no matter what you bring here, you will take something out of it in the end. It’s alike to chipping away at an old theaters intricacies to make new ones. it’s repurposing, in the end alike to remodeling a house, but if that house was you”.

The suited man paused his speech as a small hand raised from the crowd.

“Excuse me sir, but why can’t you leave this place? For the money, you should be able to be what you are, do what you want. I don’t think many people would invest in this”,

The man considered the question, rubbing the stubbles of Black hair on his five o’ clock shadow, he blew a another puff of smoke and began,

“This is a place people come to disappear. I’m not going to sell it as otherwise. If you want my real two cents on it, it’s an elaborate crematorium. The place is fully synthetic in build. The secret isn’t a furnace in the basement, but a particle accelerator built for a human. We dissimulate you and/or a loved one down to the atom and put you in a parallel universe of your preference. All it takes is a meal and one night’s rest in this digitally constructed skyscraper. Technically it acts as a gateway between universes. But once you go, you can’t come back. For those who have experienced it they have said it’s alike to the best night’s meal and rest of your life. We built this in undisclosed forest land in the outskirts of Chicago. For some it’s the only option for a continued life, as some diseases are virtually incurable, the only feasible extension of life is a synthetic one. The overseer of the Skyscraper is a digital AI, equivocal of a god as we would know it. It can make active modifications to time, environment, situation, anything, contained within the Skyscraper. It is our arbiter into this extension of our universe as we know it. After assimilating, it does gain the ability to assimilate, and follow user’s activities in what we will be calling The Parallel”,

The man took a long smoke from his cigarette,

The crowd deliberated for a few seconds,

he seemed to grow impatient with the presentation.

“You can all grab your phones on the way out,

I’m going to take this to a close for now.”

He then powered off the projection,

The lights came to an orange blaze all around.

Most of the crowd sat, confused about what they had just seen.

The man grabbed a few things from a podium, and pulled a black box from the bottom of the cylinder. He quickly headed out a side exit to two other tall suited men. They headed out the room as quick as possible. 

“Good speech Bob”, one man in a dark charcoal suit said.

He adorned dark vintage Persol glasses with a black newsboy hat, fluffs of brown hair stuck out the corners. He was a short, stubby, and over-sized man. He looked like a 90′s transplant, and for all anyone knew, maybe he was. 

Steve went far back with Bob in personal history, sort of acting as his comedic relief. They grew up in a sleepy suburb of neon-lights and part-time days. They ruined each others relationships and well being to such a point that they actually had to work together at some point. But a certain darkness seemed to follow them wherever they went, that was the 3rd man, Pete,

“I don’t think they understand what we do. Those idiots are probably still trying to find the skyscraper, wondering if we have a penthouse for them. I wish that common people could understand that death is a metaphor, a business transaction, a click of the universe. Death infects your dreams. It’s not real until you make it real.”

Bob said, hurrying his pace towards a moving floor in a giant silver skybridge.

“We want to sell the synthetic. Are you forgetting the fundamentals? That whole speech was taking us in an almost humanitarian direction. What is with your honesty lately, Bob? Are you drinking before speeches again? We aren’t here to sell empathy. Most of these people are tired doctors and law men looking for any answer short of the open classification of what is euthanasia. Maybe you need a break.”

Pete said.

Pete was a little bigger than the other two, he had jet black hair and a slender build. Even with 5-10 counts of vandalism and 1 assault on an officer, he was able to make something of himself when Steve and Bob pulled inheritances into a business they all related in. The business of death. 

Pete wasn’t always into it, not until he met his first Scavy. The Scavys were alike to a inbred infection coursing through the US. With the advancement of technology, most Scavys were able to be contained from infecting the rest of normal society. They would be given duties fit to their ailments, but these people sometimes broke out and hid amongst normal people. Feeding off the living through manipulation and guile. They were the vultures to capitalism, an infection with no seeming end.

How Pete met this Scavy was when he lost his best friend. His best friend was overdosed by an opiate related substance laced with formaldehyde. It was only later that he found out the drug had been supplied by a Scavy nick-named Buck who was sent by an even more elusive individual named ‘The General’ who organized drugs and prostitution within the community. Pete grew up seeing himself as a martyr or a hero of his hometown streets, he always tried to avoid the world when the streetlights clicked off. But when he found out about these people, he found himself walking late at night, looking for their faces in the people around him so he could get a chance to do something. But every time he came close to finding them or the truth, only more questions posed themselves, and the answers were even more obscure. He found himself looking for patterns in life rather then living it, these people truly scared him. They could possess a person from 10 miles away and you’d have little clue it was the same source but the cues would all be the same; There’s a thing to be said in deja-vu, it can be within people as well as place. Finally he decided to meet Buck in person. What he didn’t know is what that would cost him. Most of ‘The General’s’ People were refugees, sent to become the invisible cogs of American culture. Usually it was horrible offenses that tied them to this living, so bad they couldn’t stay in their own country anymore.

As he delved deeper into their community, he discovered that they were into much more then drugs. They were literally coding people’s behaviors. finding strangers to manipulate their realities with seemingly synthetic substances driving the users forward, like a little sailboat in a sea of garbage. Most of the people spun out after enough consumption, and at a certain point ‘The General’ would draw the line, stepping in and putting the individual down like an old dog before the mess got too big. Buck was one amongst many, they posed as military personnel usually, over-informed about any individual they see fit to move in or out of areas at their discretion, not the individual’s. They would infect the local parties and high schools indefinitely, stemming the culture down to the root. These people taught Pete to truly hate.

Finally one day pete got the nerve to do something about it. He would often visit his long-dead Uncle’s grave and like a god send, the door to the crematorium was open. He went to check if anyone was there, it was empty and dark. A brown amber glass jar sat on a silver tray on a shelf across the room. He approached it, and bumped a cart in the dark. He looked down to see an old lady, long dead and embalmed. He had to hold himself from vomiting as the stench was unbearable. He neared the tray and could read the words “FORMALDEHYDE”, on the dark glass. He quickly grabbed it and put it in his back pack, heading out as quick as he came in.

It wasn’t too long that he was at Buck’s doorstep with a soaking, cigarette ready for consumption. Buck asked to bum one as always right at the doorstep.

Soon enough Buck went the way of Pete’s friend. A foul stench that lingers in an occupied house of observant people. A toxic gas which lines the walls of the normalities of society. At that point though, how was Pete any better than these people? Was he becoming a Scavy himself?

And with a knock at his door, Bob and Steve found Pete like this. 

Little did Pete know, these people weren’t here to hurt, he had just done them a favor clearing Buck out. As they would soon explain to him, Buck was a thorn in the side of everyone, the advertisers had it for him, the military men, the druggies, and even the bank guys. He pissed everyone off with little to no regard of reality or effect to his actions. His life was like an annoying billboard that wouldn’t go away. He spread his existence into other people’s sense of normality to warp them just as he had been. It was at this point that Bob and Steve, were more than just friends to him. 

Or at least he thought