#i wish hangovers and calories didnt exist

[dont-find-me-dude]

i wanna get drunk and stop overthinking

[bites-kms]

Southwest Roadtrip - Episode 1: Viva las Vegas

When it comes to discovering the US, Johnny Cash kept it simple and straight to the point: 

“I've been everywhere, man. Crossed the desert's bare, man. I've breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I've had my share, man. I've been everywhere.“

And what a journey it was! Who knew a failed attempt to fly to Hawaii would result in such a fun adventure? We packed our stuff and jumped on a plane, destination Southwest of America. Starting by Vegas, passing through Arizona, stopping by Utah, resting in Colorado. Only my friend Belu would be as kamikaze to propose such thing and found in me such a blind partner-in-crime. It was September 4th, and we were rushing in a taxi from Hoboken to Newark to board our first flight during a global sanitary emergency, looking like Darth Vader’s close cousins with our masks and face shields. 

After an approximately 6-hour flight, we landed in the middle of literally nowhere. We were able to see the pyramid and some other iconic architecture which I currently do not remember because it was about only for 5 seconds before landing. On arrival, on a mostly empty airport, we were surprised by the amount of slot machines that were there, welcoming everyone to place their bets. For sure, ours was to have fun and contrary to common belief, the house didn't win this one: we had a blast!

Followed by a surprise “SIN CITY, WOOO HOOO!” shout from someone who obviously has been living inside a thermos for the last past months, we cracked up and went to fetch a car. This very nice gentleman took us to the Bellagio (yeap, we went full on cliche mode, with what was originally a non-existent promo) while DJ Dani blasted her best records to kick off this adventure with the right feet: Viva Las Vegas by Elvis Presley and Just a Gigolo by Louis Prima Success. 

DAY 1: 

First things first: check in and adventure. Hotel, amenities and surroundings. Vegas spins around two main areas: the famous Strip, 6.8kms of the brightest place on earth seen from outer space full of hotels, restaurants, shops and of course, casinos. Pretty much Disneyworld for adults. The Bellagio is the iconic hotel which hosts some of the greatest restaurants and also the famous dancing fountains. Also, is one that is pretty centrally located, in between Caesars Palace (Roman Empire themed), The Cosmopolitan (which imitates boheme life from France) Aria and Park MGM Las Vegas (New York City represent!), Excalibur (Middle Ages) Luxor (Cleopatra’s Egypt) and The Venetian (of course, Venice). Everything is within walking distance but beware of the heat: a normal day in the desert is around 42C (107F), if not more, with a melting down thermal sensation of 1000 in any scale. This is why is also a city that is enjoyable during night time. So, do not feel bad about sleeping in a bit: you can always chill by the pool in the morning, have a little something for lunch and sleep (or remove the hangover) during the afternoon when the sun is unbearable. OR, the casino is always open so that could be an option. We chose to walk around a bit (big mistake) but luckily once you enter to the casinos, they are all connected with escalators, shade and AC, so we were mesmerized by this grown up themed park, where is so easy to lose track of time. 

After an Italian lunch on a french bistro in a corner of Paris (? yes.. I know..) we went back and rest by the pool. Once the sun was already getting ready to bet some chips at night, we did too: we changed into our most shinny and glamorous outfit and won exactly 27 dollars! We checked out Venice, and some of the night shows that were happening on the streets (like naked promoters, the massive PM lines, and the crazy long-ass “juice” towers flowing around the more energetic covid-prone crowds) right before we headed up to Yellowtail, the Japanese and Michelin Starred restaurant at the Bellagio. We had their famous tuna pizza (it sounds terrible but it is more of a tostada or sashimi-style like) and got disappointed that they run out of the short ribs, but instead had some amazing sushi rolls and some tempura bites. When we found out about the beautiful, sigh-seeing windows that displayed all the fountain show we left our high-end attires aside and run to the windows, interrupting some other people’s dinner while leaving the waiters behind. We decided to go for dessert somewhere else and went to the piano bar located at the reception for a delicious espresso and a chocolate diamond cake. We did some neon-gazing and loved the fountain show to the beat of Believe by Cher, while being overwhelmed by a surreal feeling of actually being there, having so much fun and appreciating our friendship (and of course, avoided a high/drunk fellow who tried to take our pics and phone with them - she didnt know we were from New York and from Rio de la Plata, so the scam was on her!) 

DAY 2

Repeat. (and pretty much that’s all we did). We kicked it off with a fake breakfast by the pool, and some piñas coladas in between facemasks. We also had a light lunch by the pool (a greek salad with some much needed water) and then, around 6:15 we took a cab to the Neon Museum - yeap, for those who think there is only light fun in Vegas, nope, think again, there are worthy museums, too! ( I even made a joke here! damn I’m inspired!). The Neon Museum is a scrap dealer cemetery, where all the old and somehow “broken” -even thou most of them have been repaired and are currently working!- neon signs from Old time Vegas rest. It is very fun to see old hotels, random letters, icons and logos being laid there, creating a wonderful mess in the middle of, again, you guess right, the desert. It was very fun and beautiful to be honest. 

Another short taxi drive later (I was too naif thinking we could walk in short heels under the killer heat more than a block!) we drove thru what is known as “Old Vegas” or “Downtown Vegas”. This used to be the place where the magic happened before the creation of the Strip, but nowadays it only hosts what lingers of once a glamorous and kitschy past. The center of this action can be found throughout Freemont Street, a pedestrian long avenue that gathers classic neon signs, all-time Vegas characters (we still missed out on Elvis, so watch out impersonator, we will be back just for you!), stripers, street sellers, all you can eat venues, dodgy bars, and more and more neons.  According to Las Vegas Tourism Board>> “Fun people, crazy people, partying, gambling, drinking, street performers, free music and light shows, zip lining and just having a good time... that's what you expect at Freemont.”

We had some pizza, talked to this Montana guy who for a second thought he was able to have a threesome with us on his dirty van, were voluntary abused by these hot, ripped stripers who made us laugh with their pick up line: “You can leave your face mask here, right by your underwear too, please.” The guys were a “sample” - since the show is canceled due to the pandemic- of Chippendales, something a fine woman needs to experience once in their lifetime. Belu felt in love with her boy, but given the current times and protocols, this love couldn't prosper as we all wished it had. No worries amiga, next time!

But the most striking part of this decadent place was witnessing this surreal restaurant called Heart Attack Grill, where people who weight more than 350lbs (almost 160kgs) eat for free. The biggest burger consist on 8 patties, and as an FYI, only the 4 patty burger is marked on the Guinness World Records Book as the “Quadruple Bypass Burger” with almost 10.000 calories, all the beverages consists on massive soft drinks, milkshakes, beers and wine, (full bottles, of course, served from an IV drip bag) and it is not allowed to share food. The place is cash only, you gotta weight yourself before entering, each patty is made of half pound each, everybody must wear hospital gowns and if you dare not to finish your meal, you get three spanks by the horny yet not so sexy waitress dressed as nurses. As a nice little detail, on the biggest burger you can pump it up with 40 slices of bacon by only $7.99 more!  And, to wrap up this majestic hospital parlor, I recently researched that the legal owner of Heart Attack Grill is hilarious – Diet Center LLC. The founder is Jon Basso, who strives to provide “nutritional pornography” in his food. For a better comprehension (for a lack of a better word) of this place, you can check out this recap of Showtime’s series: Deadly Sins. 

So, we were mesmerized, we were educated, we bet, we ate, we drunk and we touched some sweaty strippers, so there was only one thing left to do: crush a weeding. So there we went. There were multiple chapels around the area, but I dont know whether it was the time (it was around, 9, 9 and coins) so it may have been a little bit too late or due to COVID, but no weddings were in place. We finally arrived to the Little White Chapel, the original, unique one that has the Elvis sign, the drive-thru and the proud sign that states how Michael Jordan and Joan Collins got married there. We were so bummed to found only a very young, very dull couple getting married (she was wearing black, hence, that is all you need to know) and there was not a very jolly, merry spirit. Still, we managed to hang out with the best men and got a picture of two to remember this fail attempt to crush this very much lame wedding. Up we went to the Bellagio, checking out what was missing from Sin City: the Wynn Hotel, Route 515, 51 and the Famous Welcome to Las Vegas Sign. 

We wrapped this unique experience witnessing an amazing, full moon in the middle of the desert, with a massive and delicious full on breakfast at Sadelle’s, a little piece of home in our far-away-from home hotel.  Till next time, Vegas! You were great fun!