#i will project onto these fictional military men even if it kills me

[eiraeths]

every day it is a battle to not write either ghost or soap dealing with dysautonomia after retiring

[kneelingshadowsalome]

This is my third time in your inbox, I'm so sorry 💀💀

Can we get more insight on Konigs childhood? You mentioned abuse from his father. What exactly did he do to Konig and his mother? Why did he cut his face up? Why did his mother not leave him? Where are his parents now? Was his childhood the reason he joined the military? Will he fully open up to the reader abt it?

Ty for tolerating me 😭🙏🏾

Please. My inbox is always, always open and I love these questions! (Like... someone wants to hear my ramblings about mentally unstable, fictional men?? You are godsend, my friend 💖)

Thoughts on König's childhood:

CW/TW: emotional, verbal & physical abuse, talk of personality disorders (by someone who is not a psychologist lmao), aggravated assault/murder, self-hate

So, I wrote König as a sociopath (otherwise known as antisocial personality disorder) with borderline pd. He's also neurodivergent (prob. ADHD). Now I don't know shit about these things but I tried my best to do some research on different pds and neurodiversity and thought this potpourri might fit well in König's character profile.

Unlike psychopaths, sociopaths are made, not born. So his dad had a definite hand in creating one out of König. He thought his only son (K is an only child in my canon) was a freak because he was bigger than "normal" kids, tall and lithe and on top of everything else, behaved oddly. König was bullied at school which made him even more asocial and anxious, which in turn made his dad project his own insecurities onto König even more. He needed to imprint it on König that he's a freak by cutting him.

There was a strict routine and order in his childhood home: dinner was to be served at 6'o clock sharp, every piece of clothing had to be pedantically ironed, no tv past seven, etc. Any misstep on these rules and there would be violence, mainly verbal and emotional but at times, physical too. König's mother was never enough, nothing she did was ever enough. König for sure did everything wrong by simply existing. For a boy of his size, he learned to become surprisingly invisible at a very young age.

Sometime during his teenage years, he started to have enough. He started to rebel, learned how to walk tall and straight, started to jog and train inside his room, do 100 pushups every morning. The idea of joining the army was born during these times as well, and becoming a sniper was soon König's biggest dream.

He enjoyed when his schoolmates, even some of the teachers, began to fear him (if you cannot be loved, better be feared than ridiculed). He was the odd, silent, big freak who was only getting odder, bigger and more silent every day. People at school literally feared the day König would arrive at class with a gun.

His father started to cut him even more when he began to show signs of independence and grit. At some point König realized he could easily beat his own dad if he wanted to. At 15 he started to go to the gym, and a year after, when he saw his father yell at his mom about something utterly insignificant, he finally snapped, took a simple kitchen knife and drove it to daddy's ribs (16 times).

His mother had a tiny mental breakdown after that. She didn't want her child to get into trouble, but seeing such a violent murder was the last straw for a woman who had tried to keep the peace by playing by this crazy tyrant's rules. The reason she hadn't left was because she feared he might kill them both. (Also the breakdown was far more severe than the one reader had after the break room incident, and it def. brought back some not so fond memories)

König got the minimum penalty for the crime because he was a juvenile offender. His mother forgave her child quite soon and deemed that her husband was evil and that König did the right thing for freeing them from such a man.

Things got better after that, but his mother was forever damaged from everything that had happened. She began to blame herself for not divorcing her husband sooner, for then he would still be alive and König wouldn't have suffered so much in his hands. One of the reasons König started to wear the hood was because he didn't want to remind his mother of what had been done to him. Instead, the mask only caused her only more pain. She started to avoid her own child, even fear him, feeding into König's insecurities and anxiety even more.

When König finally joined the army at the age of 17, it was to get away from home and pursue his dreams to become a sniper. He thought it might be best for his mother, too, if he wasn't around the house to remind her what had gone down and how her only child was not only a monster, but a murderer, too.

König's childhood is so filled with trauma that he has pretty much distanced himself from it. The geographical distance helps too, and he's not keen on taking reader on a vacation to Austria, for example. But he will open up about his past if and when he sees it's safe to do so. Sadly enough, the thing that bugs him the most about it is he fears he might look weak in reader's eyes. He's been in a survival mode for so long that he doesn't quite understand that he was a child at the time, and should've received love and care.

Btw I totally got inspired by @random-thot-generator 's gospel truth on how König's first kill was his own father! Also the Conan t-shirt as his (first) mask is my canon now

[pandasan-power]

Zeke is my favourite fictional character. He's just so... fascinating. He's initially presented as weird and mysterious but he turns out to be a giant dork and a huge loser with the most severe daddy issues I've ever seen.

I love him so much. Here's a very long ramble that's kinda sorta a character analysis (it's bad though).

He gives off Reddit mod energy (then again, Eren has Discord mod energy (disclaimer: I love Eren too)), has the sense of humour of a 12 year old, hangs around people who are quite a bit younger than him (granted, his only other option is creepy old military men), has smoked since he was probably like 15 and spends his life "pretending" to be stupid.

And yet he genuinely cares about other people in his own way. He really did just want to make it so that Eldians didn't have to suffer. He assumed that because he had a shit life and was treated terribly (as were his parents), everyone else was in the same boat. It never occured to him that other Eldians were happy, because, like, why would they be?

He's willing to go to the ends of the earth and beyond to fulfill his mission, which he's held on to since he was a teenager. Even though Ksaver did plant the seeds for Zeke, Zeke came up with his plan himself. Ksaver never mentioned anything about reproduction, just that the Founder could be used to alter Eldian biology.

He's devasted when Eren goes "lol jk bro" and betrays him, because he finally found someone he thought he could trust (his first mistake was trusting Eren of all people). He couldn't understand why Eren went against his plan, or what Eren was even trying to accomplish in the first place.

Also, I think it's worth mentioning that Zeke's euthanasia plan undermines everything Ymir Fritz went through. She suffered severely, but I like to imagine that she really did love her daughters to the best of her ability. Zeke saying that Eldians would be better off not existing in the first place and that he's going to get rid of them is telling Ymir Fritz that all her suffering was for absolutely fucking nothing. Whereas Eren wants Eldians to live on, because that way, Ymir can be freed, and she can see that there is beauty in the world (which she did via Mikasa, as badly explained as it was lol).

Zeke never saw that beauty. He was brainwashed and abused and taken advantage of his entire life. By his parents, by Marley (yes, even Ksaver), and, later, by Eren. To him, there was nothing redeeming about the world.

Hence his final line where he talks about what a lovely day it is and how nice/clear the sky is, but that it ultimately is too late to realise that (? I haven't read the chapter in a while, I don't remember the exact wording). That's him acknowledging that he was wrong about the world lacking beauty.

Yes, Ksaver did care for him and did love him, but he did also use Zeke for his own gain. He was projecting his son onto Zeke, as he said so himself in canon, and he was also hoping that Zeke could accomplish what he (Ksaver) wasn't able to. Zeke may not have been as determined to save the Eldians (in his own way) if he hadn't spent time with Ksaver.

Zeke and Eren are fascinating to me, because Eren threw away his humanity in order to save the world/his loved ones, yet was very upset that he had to do so (given his paths convo with Armin), yet Zeke... was stripped of most of his humanity before he had a chance to even embrace it. My personal interpretation is that he never realised he was lacking humanity (which is something Levi kept trying to point out, especially in the forest with reminding Zeke about his Rakago crime) because death and killing were so normalised to him (and to him, his enemies weren't human because they were mostly Eldians and he, as an Eldian, wasn't considered human -- or at least he may have used that as a justification for his actions), and it wasn't until the very end that it hit him.

Lastly, part of why I love the dynamic between Zeke and Levi is that they're two sides of the same coin. They're both admired and feared by people (for different reasons), are traumatised in every possible way, and are similar yet also very different.

When they're interacting, neither of them give a shit about the other's status or powers or whatever. They fight like equals on par with each other and don't hold back. Warchief Zeke? Captain Levi? Nope. They're just Zeke and Levi to each other. (And they'd be friends if they were on the same side, maybe.)

ANYWAY Zeke Yeager is a great character and I love my monkeyman so much. He had such good character development and his backstory is really well done. The "I love you, Zeke" paths scene is my favourite since in all of SnK just for how much that means for both Grisha and Zeke.

[vergilboyfriend]

You should do all of them questions and 90 is true

I love you!!!!

1. Favorite instrument?

I work at a music store u can’t just ask me this. When my coworkers play it’s the saxophone or the flute, when the boys in the repair shop are testing repairs and they harmonize with each other or try to outplay one another it’s the bassoon or the trombone or whatever they’re fixing at the moment. When I hear 🎺 give his lesson on Wednesday afternoons it’s the trumpet, and when I think about middle school it’s the clarinet, the flute, the French horn. When I hear the nutcracker pas des deux is the oboe and when I hear edith piaf l’accordeoniste it’s the remarkable human voice. Really my favorite instrument is all of them, it just depends.

2. Favorite fic trope? Mutual pining 🥺

3. Sport you played for the longest amount of time? LMAO I wasn’t a sporty kid but I did ballet

4. Shoe size? 10-11

5. Most recent (good) dream? Uhh I had a dream last night about my coworker 🎹 it wasn’t bad though I can’t really remember what it was about

6. Last person in your DMs? smugg

7. Can you do a handstand? Nooo nooo lmaoo nooooo

8. Unpopular food opinion I don’t like oranges or red meat

9. Conspiracy you believe in? There’s some kind of weird weather dome in my hometown around the military base that makes most storms pass around us

10. Is your hair its natural color/style? Most of it is I dyed the bottom layer of my hair tho so it’s blonde rn

11. state a useless fact all that’s coming to mind is outright lies rn hold on. The inventor of pringles is buried in a pringles can that’s so fucking nasty omg

12. most interesting gossip you’ve heard? Idk I don’t really care for gossip uhhhh have u heard tho rin dippindogs is a huge gay hah she uhh she like men AND women lmao gaaay gaaaay

13. Middle name? Carolyn

14. Sexuality? Bisexual

15. Amount of sleep you got last night? Idk actually I think like 9-10 hrs tho I slept in until 11

16. Opinion on ice cream cake? Tasty!!!

17. Opinion on (cup)cake frosting? It’s depends buttercream is usually too sweet for me in large amounts so I prefer whipped cream frosting

18. Last board game you played? Idk??? We played hunt a killer tho last Thursday me n my family I guess that counts kinda

19. Project you want to start? I need ideas first baby

20. Project you’re working on right now? HAHAHAHAHAHA

21. TV show you’re watching? nothing rn I just rewatch bojack a lot if I watch anything

22. Last movie you watched? Lego batman I think

23. Ever left anon hate? Not legit hate

24. Ever left anon love? Yes all the time. Sometimes to strangers it’s my favorite thing to do

25. Best Disney movie? The princess and the frog

26. Best Pixar movie? Soul or Up I can’t decide

27. Best Star Wars? Um. Empire strikes back

28. Last thing you consumed? Fuit gumy

29. NoTP? Idk I don’t really hate ships unless they’re gross like pedophilic gross

30. story behind your (nick)name? When I was a fetus my great grandfather had a dream that my name should be Carolyn Marie but my parents were huge dweebs so they named me Marina after the actress of Deanna Troi in Star Trek. Idk about my nickname ive just always been Rina/Rin as long as I can remember

31. ice cream order? Lately it’s lemon sorbetto I know it’s SO high in sugar but I love it

32. describe your blog in <5 words I love you

33. how many blogs do you follow? 436

34. Describe your voice it depends usually I sound like a sick child but my customer service voice is really pleasant

35. Describe your smile it’s cute :)

36. What is the place you live known for? LMAOOO LMAO we have a military base nearby and like. I could go on abt that one but also like. There’s a lot of gang violence and a lot of the other consequences of poverty. People from the cities around us see us as “””ghetto””” or violent but it’s just. It’s more than that it’s always more than that. And idk what else there’s nothing really particularly special about this town except that we’re all here and not anywhere else

37. What is the place you’re originally from known for? (if they’re different)

38. pronouns? she/any idc

39. Languages you speak? English

40. first friend you made through tumblr? Idk. I probably don’t talk to them anymore :(

41. Person on tumblr you know in real life? my brother

42. First dog breed you think of shih tzu I have 2 next to me rn

43. room wall color? Purble!!!! The paint color is called grape juice that’s why I picked it!!!

44. Song that’s stuck in your head right now? It’s tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that’s right on time it’s trickyyyyy

45. Favorite number? 5, 34

46. Color you associate with your name? Red

47. Favorite jolly rancher flavor?watermelon

48. Pets? 2 dogs rocket and groot and 4 cats loki danni who r from the same litter and we raised from kittens, miss kitty who we adopted from a shelter after my boy blue moon passed away and ben (his real name is Kylo Ren thanks to my mom but I refuse to call him that) he is my little baby and he has 7 toes on his front paws

49. Collections? Hot wheels

50. Character outside of your fandom you’d marry? Girl what lmaooo idk

51. Character outside of your fandom you’d kill? That’s mean :(

52. Have you met any celebrities? NO thank god id have to kill on sight

53. Favorite time period in history? Itslian Renaissance & Romantic Era

54. What time is it right now? 2:35 am oops

55. History or future? Future but like . A good one. Or prehistory

56. Space or ocean? Space

57. Fears? Abandonment

58. Command + v and post. It’s this list of questions u don’t want that

59. Favorite season? Spring

60. Describe your aesthetic. Messy just a mess, neon and old buildings and things, antiques, countryside if there weren’t so many trump pence flags still lmaoo give uppp give up, nature just al of nature and space and places humans can’t touch and places they used to touch but can’t anymore

61. MBTI? Infp but I haven’t taken it in a few years

62. What’s your relationship with your family like? Normal.

63. “Biggest fan” in your tumblr activity? I’m in mobile hold on acc to tumblr it’s akky

64. Favorite musical? Sweeney todd

65. Comfort book? Idk how to read 💔💔💔 wuthering heights tho

66. Comfort movie? Whisper of the heart

67. OTP? Girl idk

68. BroTP? Joey and Tristan yugioh

69. AUs or canon compliant? Canon ig idk

70. Opinion on the person who’s sending the ask? It’s an anon!! But I love them

71. FMK + 3 characters anon didnt leave any characters and I was going to say something very bad but I won’t

72. Dream date? I’ve wanted to do this for a while but ideally it would be after we’d been together a while maybe even engaged or whatever, I wanna go to like a Home Depot or a furniture store and pretend to be married and looking for house paints and furniture and plan what our home is going to look like I wanna do that so bad. But idk for a first/early relationship date i really want to go to the zilker botanical garden it’s one of my favorite places, we could also go to the natural gardener which is a plant nursery in Austin I really love it there too and it’s not that far from zilker.

73. Relationship status? Single

74. Ever dyed your hair? Do you plan to? Yes and perhaps. Maybe

75. Dream job/career? Idk anymore I used to have big girl goals and I haven’t had any in a while. But when I was younger I wanted to be a game warden

76. Favorite band/singer? Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

77. Something that makes you soft/that you find adorable? My cats

78. The first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Buy a house

79. Are you superstitious? Yes

80. Character you project onto? Shizuku tsukishima

81. Fictional character you’ve had a crush on? Vergil devil may cry. Forever husband

82. Celebrity crush? LMAO

83. Person on here you’d date? my mutuals

84. Person on here you’d marry? 🥺 my mutuals

85. Person on here you’d throw into the void? Smugg

86. Other social media you have? I’ve got a photography insta that I barely use and a Twitter that’s just nintendo switch screenies that’s it

87. Finish the sentence: Due to personal reasons, ___________i will be passing away

88. Bad habit? I find it rlly hard to say no or like to say when and why I’m upset I don’t feel like for the latter I don’t feel like I should bring something that’s upsetting me up because I know I’ll get over it on my own and I don’t really trust myself to be upset about rational things. Idk I’m working on it

89. Three things you like about yourself? I’m hot, I’m kind, I’m resilient

90. Ily and you deserve the world I love you!!!!! YOU deserve it too!!!

[permian-tropos]

essay which eventually makes an argument about which fandom discourse is good political praxis and which is ungood

I know it’s crass to connect inane fandom crap to real world atrocities so to be just minimally crass: recent real world atrocities have indeed made me think of inane fandom crap I’ve seen, but then I wondered what the right way to discuss the parallels even is. Stories resemble reality and things fans say diegetically about fiction (like, the thing we all do where we phrase it like it’s real) can resemble things people say about reality. Diegetic opinions can resemble shitty real world opinions. And we argue constantly about what to do about it.

I’m feeling fucking pissed about some real world opinions, but I don’t think dumb Star Wars fandom arguments technically cause the real world opinions I’m super fucking pissed about, the way people think they do. So this isn’t about that. (spoilers it eventually is about that but I’ll say it’s not for now)

I want to argue that discourse should be about examining every diegetic opinion that feels possible. Everything from baseless nonsense, to things you agree with, to things you are comfortable agreeing to disagree about, to opinions canon tries to slip by unquestioned, like, “there’s nothing to be done about the fact that Coruscant has billions of poor people buried underground like a wealth inequality layer cake”. 

I’m reframing the inflammatory “your diegetic opinions describe your real world ones” or the moral panicky “your diegetic opinions will become your real ones”: The more possible it feels that you’d find fans with the diegetic opinion, the more valid your society/culture treats the real-world counterpart.

So I’m angry, because our society treats horrible opinions about state violence now being applied to the recent Gaza massacre as valid, and it has treated them as valid for a long time, and it’s reflected in some diegetic opinions on the Jakku massacre. Opinions which I now am extra disgusted by. But the people with those opinions might not have the same bad opinions about the real world; it doesn’t work like that. I want the discourse to stop focusing on that.

The ease with which people could, if not justify, minimize, the awfulness of Kylo killing of the Jakku villagers, shows some culturally non-taboo things to say about state violence (“they were fighting back, the villagers were protecting the Resistance/were armed by them, maybe they weren’t a threat in that moment but they clearly would have threatened the Order if they’d had the means, and the Resistance was wrong to use them as a shield”) and its actors (”Kylo didn’t really want to do it, he had to prove he was tough in front of Phasma, he’s desensitized to this because everyone in the Order does it”).

Diegetic opinion: What Kylo did was not excusable. It was completely brutal and unnecessary. The villagers had been disarmed, Kylo killed not just the men combatants but the women noncombatants and children too, and the villagers fought back in the first place because the Order was imposing entirely illegitimate authority. Kylo did not have the right to use military force to get a map to find a man who was hiding because didn’t want to fight, to enact personal revenge because that man held a weapon over his head for a hot second. What would that even be, a cosmically strained stand-your-ground defense? Anyway it was definitely an evil thing to do. 

And those opinions aren’t super radical so they’re treated by society as valid too. As people have pointed out, though, when “war crime good” and “war crime bad” are treated as equally valid, it actually favors war crimes. People have to waste time justifying not doing war crimes. War crimes can be done before facing the court of public opinion, and then the noise of the debate can go on until the next war crime happens. And the same is true of “racism good”/”racism bad” and so on. 

But okay now I want to make an even more complicated-ass point about villain stanning. The more prevalent the garbage stan opinion is, the more support it gives to the overarching stan opinion: “this villain is a normal person”.

Cause I think there are three strains of fan apologia:

1) I forgive it because it’d be excusable in real life (not always wrong! but with the Jakku massacre it does indicate offensively crap politics) 

2) I forgive it because it’s not real and enjoying the thing doesn’t significantly affect my moral judgement or anyone else’s (basically always valid when true)

And the one that intrigues me, 

3) I forgive it not because it’d be excusable in real life but because a normal person could excuse it

If you’re excusing actions the narrative doesn’t present as wrong, the person you’re imagining as normal isn’t the character but the writer. Or, using Death of the Author, some hypothetical authorial intent -- but only if it’s possible to conceive of a writer with this intent. And it’s only palatable when the projected (if not actual) author is a decent person. Their opinions might be bad but it’s from a failing of society, not the individual. This is what so many of us use for the HanLeia kiss in ESB to avoid hating Han for what would count as sexual assault IRL, or to avoid deeply loathing the writers or the movie. 

Also if you project opinions onto a narrative that either aren’t there or aren’t provably intentional or explicit, and construct the hypothetical authorial intent behind it and find it unforgivably abnormal, and then decide the actual writer must be as well, that’s called Rian Johnson Retire Bitching. 

Imagining the writer as normal is one way we can forgive fictional bad behavior, if we think the writer intended it to be excusable. If we think they might not, we can turn to another version -- the character excuses their own behavior, and under certain circumstances we believe a normal person could make those excuses, so the character can be normal (we empathize with normal people, we want them to redeem themselves).

Type 3 stanning arguments about the actors of state violence (eg. what people argue the bottom line of Ben Solo’s moral capacity is), show that we think decent people can be actors in state violence. With the justifications people make, Kylo Ren could technically be a “normal” person because “normal” people can be convinced of all these justifications. And you know what, I’d say that’s true. Nearly every human is born with a healthy ability to develop good morals, so societies where tons of people condone or excuse atrocities do not have abnormally evil people. They have abnormally evil culture.

But the more people repeat the justifications as valid, the more it shows that Kylo is normal. Kylo has a lot of fans, and if enough of them express these diegetic beliefs, it’s sort of evident that “normal” people can have them. The part where I think fiction does end up maybe affecting reality is that diegetic opinions are treated as more potent if the real-world counterparts are good ones. And it’s moral purists and antis and ~discoursers~ that keep encouraging this perspective. 

So the antis give the stans a reason to present their diegetic opinions with real world opinions. Or to defend them without talking about real world opinions. To show that lots of people can have this opinion. Normal people. Good people, decent people. People who, even if they don’t have all the right morals, could have them in a healthy society. But they’re not really clarifying that these aren’t the right morals. Even people in the kylux fandom slipped into this from time to time despite a big push to make “we know they’re evil” the motto.

It’s tempting to use a more potent argument. Push the fandom Overton Window. “Kylo killed those villagers and it was evil but I can imagine him justifying it in ways that show he’s capable of good, and I want to see him become good” is just not as potent as “it was a wartime execution and if the stormtroopers are people maybe the villagers are also bad for killing them” when it comes to making people more sympathetic towards Kylo. 

Thanks to the anti framework of “your faves must be unproblematic” (nice work folks :/) and thanks to people who care too much about their problematic faves and don’t pay attention to the real world, diegetic opinions can end up implicitly encouraging people to push real world opinions for the sake of protecting Your Misunderstood Cinnamon Woobie who you’re very emotionally invested in but doesn’t actually exist, and that is kind of how I’m seeing fandom team up with bad politics when it doesn’t need to. Your Evil Woobie Boi can represent something good for you and you can express this and enjoy yourself. I have an evil woobie boi. He’s a great creative outlet. I absolutely stan the institution of loving villains. 

Which means we have to a) get rid of the purity wank framework and b) prioritize getting good opinions through ongoing interrogation of the real world and not expecting that we can indirectly absorb wokeness through media crafted to convey only the right messages. 

To ensure that people absorb those messages you have to get them to take all messages in media as correct. If your idea of media criticism is, when you get down to it, “criticize the things I think are wrong until they’re all gone and then make fiction tell people the right way to think”, your logical end goal is a society completely uncritical of media. A benevolent dictatorship of woke fiction. Forgive me if I don’t find that so reassuring. 

And you know what? Because so many normal people (like me, before I discoursed myself) toy with this dystopic underlying ideology, our society clearly treats the idea of a benevolent media dictatorship as valid. 

A creepy realization, but look how we got there with the “what opinions feel normal?” method. That’s why I think this model of discourse is one that actually gets us somewhere.