#i will make a positive version of this tomorrow don't worry i don't ONLY complain

[mondaysjournal]

6/25/2023 - I Set My Face To The Hillside

It's been about a month since I last saw you, and less than two months until I get to see you again. I've come to terms with the fact that I will probably tell you that every week I spend here is uneventful, even if things did happen and you'd tell that it really was eventful once I describe them to you. On Tuesday I achieved a triumph of the hordes victory with Shelob, and then ordered some more cards for it and a few other decks on hareruya. Of course I had to upgrade the land base on Kaza since that was something you always complained about. You don't have to worry though, I didn't get a scalding tarn or anything like that for it. On Wednesday, I made more bread.

It doesn't look that great, since I didn't let it proof for very long at the end, but it tasted good and had the right texture coming out of the oven. It was kind of an exercise in seeing just how lazy I could be with the methodology and still turn out a good end product. And I can say that this set of loaves, with less time proofing and less gluten development, was just as good as the ones I made previously. I thought about what you said when we talked last, about how you learning baking would be complementary to me doing everything else. Before that, I had a vague impulse to bake more out of a sense of inadequacy, like it was a flaw that I didn't have much experience baking things. But when you put it the way you did, it made me happy, because I think there should be things I can rely on you for and ways you can show your appreciation for me that I can't necessarily do. And it was cute to think about us making a bunch of things for an occasion like thanksgiving. When you talk about the future that way, it makes it that much easier to feel it in my hands. So I'm okay just knowing how to bake bread. It's a lot easier than I thought it would be.

On Thursday, we only got to play two games since the first one took so long. They were uneventful, and I did not play shelob since I mistakenly forgot to bring her. Thankfully, the real version of her is in the hareruya order that's coming soon. I didn't go anywhere on Friday. In the land online, ever since we stopped playing elden ring, we just started watching yugioh. It's a long show so we'll probably be occupied for a while. I think tomorrow we are going to start watching all of the extended lord of the rings movies. Today, I went to wegmanns to buy a few things (read: $58 worth of items). I got the bresaola that I wanted to get before but was too cowardly to buy. It tastes pretty good, but I don't know if I'd buy it again soon. I saw a new type of better than bouillon I had never known about, which was just chipotle base. I didn't buy it because I don't know what I would use it for. I guess some sort of chipotle soup. Maybe I'll get it next time. I got the mango sorbet popsicles since I don't think we tried that when you were here. I haven't eaten them yet. I think the most interesting thing I do regularly is go the store and buy things, and look at stuff I've never seen before. It's kind of mundane, but at least it's interesting even without you. I do feel like when I'm at the store with other people, I have to make sure I don't waste their time. I know you wouldn't care that much if I wandered around a lot, but getting back from the store sooner meant that I could spend more time holding you.

The emptiness you left behind is very different from the one that I was living in before you came along. Now it's expectant, waiting for something that it knows will be there, whereas before, it was strange and hopeless, unknowing of what could ever fill it. I walked around in that emptiness a lot, asking questions of myself and the world, not always productive or positive. Finding the answers to those questions is how I arrived here, coming to be who I am today. I am as self-sacrificial, generous, and devoted as I am because those are all things I decided I had to be. I love you in all the ways I do because those are the ways I know best. Being here without you encourages a different kind of reflection. I know that this is basically like what it was before, but...the context is radically different. The self-reflection I did before often felt...abstracted, like the full breadth of what I believed I was capable of doing for others would never actually be put to use at any point. Now, it feels like all those questions are settled science. The new questions are about what I am capable of doing for myself, and how that affects others. This isn't the beginning of that line of thought for me, but it certainly is an inflection point for it. It was easy to think of myself as purely instrumental, a vessel by which others wishes could be fulfilled and the good of humanity could be increased. I am still driven by an impulse to help others, and to devote myself to the people I love, but in a less self-destructive manner than before. I know that I have to take care of myself and become better in ways that I didn't even consider previously, and part of that came from being with you. It's easy to try to do those things when you're here, seeing everything that I do. But when you' can't see me...that's the real test. 're not here...that's the real test. I hope that by the time you come back, I will have grown in certain ways that I can't even conceive of right now. And once you're here, we'll continue to grow together through the life we share. That's what I'm most excited about.

I have to go to albany on tuesday night. It's going to be very annoying. But it will be okay if I get to talk to you. It always is. I love you.