#i will be totally honest in a social-annoyance way i hate her music

[aro-culture-is]

Aro Swiftie culture is not relating to Taylor Swift's love songs at all but still singing along and also preffering her songs about losing friends and mental illness to her love songs like she should make more songs about having a mental breakdown and her friends. I still love Taylor Swift's music.

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[darlingpeter]

grayscale.

the reader faces the aftermath of losing a close friend, and sweet boyfriend matt knows just how to get through to you when you need another perspective.

this fic is a labor of love. although this story is fictional, please know that you are never alone in the hardships that you are facing, and there is a wonderful community of people out there whose inboxes and messages are always open if you need advice, to vent, or just to get bad stuff off of your chest. you are worthy of love and the space and support that you need to heal. 

pairing: matt murdock x reader, best friend jessica jones x reader

warnings: reader is going through some emotional bad times

length: 2,405 words

Everyone knows that grief is an important part of life. As you grow, you lose people, and the lessons that you learn from it are necessary to truly appreciate what you have while you have it. 

But no one talks about how hard it is to grieve someone who hasn’t died. 

In the first stages, you found yourself getting absorbed in the what ifs, cycling over and over again in your head about things you could have done differently that would have changed their mind somehow and made them value you as much as you did them. Even worse was fighting the urge to reach back out to them in an attempt to rekindle something similar to what you had before. But the rational part of your brain constantly steered you away from that because how would that be possible? You couldn’t pretend to ignore everything bad that had come into light and keep a good conscience at the same time. A similar end would be inevitable, and it would hurt just the same if not more the second time around. 

Matt was aware of what you were going through. He listened as you poured your heart out to him, brought you water and tissues when you could do nothing but cry, and was there to make sure that you were taken care of. If he sensed a bit of hesitation in your voice if you asked him for anything, he would remind you in a gentle tone that made your heart flutter that he was there for you in any way that you needed. Over time, though, you closed off to him. You couldn’t help but feel like your emotional outbursts were an annoyance to him since he already had so much else to worry about outside the walls of your shared apartment. Unbeknownst to you, when you started changing the subject and brushing him off whenever he asked about how you were feeling, he knew that he was going to have to make a call to the one person he knew would be able to talk sense into you. 

The first time that he invited Jess and Luke over since things changed, you were initially wary of being forced to socially interact, but after you changed into clean, comfy clothes, had a shower, and actually got to be face-to-face with your best friends for the first time in far too long, you started to feel better than you had in a long time. 

Luke had taken control of a speaker that you had in the apartment, showing you and Matt a few new artists that he had been getting into, and with the way that Jess hummed and sang along to the lyrics, you knew that you weren’t the first to hear him gush about the new finds. You ordered Pizza and sat around shooting the shit with one another. 

When you popped into your room to grab an extra blanket, the sound of the door closing softly surprised you, and you turned to see Jess with a sympathetic smile on her face. Your mood soured. You had a feeling that she was going to want to talk to you with the comforting look in her eyes that she had been fixing you with since she had arrived with Luke. “Red told us that you had a bad falling out with a close friend. How’re you holding up, kid?” She asked and instinctively, you bristled. At this point you had been packing everything down and trying to avoid thinking about the situation altogether, which made it sour and turn to irritability where it sat within you. You scowled, annoyed at the fact that she wanted to stir up the difficult emotions that you had been working hard to hide. Seeing this, Jess raised both of her palms to face you in a surrendering gesture. “Easy, babe. I just want to make sure that everything’s alright.” She said softly.

Frustrated, you folded the blanket a couple of times in your hands. “It is.” You said shortly.

Jess frowned. “We both know that’s not true.” Sometimes you hated how easily she saw straight through you. She sat on the edge of the bed, and patted the spot next to her, inviting you to join. “He didn’t tell us the full story, but I know you, and I know from what he told me that I would be having a rough time, so I can’t imagine what you’re dealing with right now.” You take the spot next to her and lean into her side, letting out a deep exhale when she wrapped her arm around you and gave your shoulder a comforting squeeze. When you relaxed into her after a moment, she knew that she had worn away the stubborn act that you put on. “I know that Matt isn’t the best when it comes to talking about feelings, and I want to give you the space that you might need to talk about things a little more in depth with someone that might be able to communicate a little better about understanding what you’re going through. Or you could just lay on me, which is cool too.” She finished with a small laugh.

For a moment, you considered just sitting in silence for a few moments before rejoining the group, but the longer that you sat against Jess, the bigger the knot in your chest grew until you were squeezing your eyes shut and fighting tears that were starting to well up. “I’m tired of being sad.” You said, hating how small and watery your voice sounded. “I wish I could forget everything about what happened so I could stop carrying around this weight with me.” 

And then you were crying. The more you tried to suppress it the stronger it came on, and the more your breath came in hiccups from your chest, so you stopped trying to hide it and instead opened the floodgates on your best friend. You told her the full story, about what caused the falling out and how hard it had been to adjust, as well as how angry you had been feeling with yourself for not being able to move past it. You told her about how you didn’t want to continually bother Matt so you had started to bottle things up. Even though you knew that it wasn’t the best way to deal with things, but you had hoped that in doing so, it would just pass over and make the whole ordeal easier. 

Jess listened to what you had to say, but also offered some advice. Because of how close the two of you were as well as how blunt and honest she was, Jess was the queen of getting through to you and telling you things that you didn’t want to hear.“The quickest way to get through this is to feel what you need to feel completely and wholly. By not tackling it head-on, no matter how much better it seems in the moment, it’ll eat at you and cause a lot more hurt over time.” This stung, mostly because you knew that she was right. You had been able to witness a small taste of what she was talking about already, and the thought that the bitterness you had been feeling had the potential to grow and have the chance to cause outbursts that could push the people you loved away. You nodded as she gave your shoulder a squeeze. 

“But I don’t want to feel like I’m burdening Matt with my problems.” You whined, digging the heels of your hands into your damp eyes and rubbing at them in exasperation. “I’m scared he’ll start avoiding me because he doesn’t want to hear me complain about my garbage when there’s nothing that he can do.”

To your surprise, Jess barked out a laugh, and you looked up at her with a glare. “Were you not just telling me how he was going total mama-bird over you when things were bad?” You deflated and shrugged, caught by your own words. “Just because you’re the only one who can work through this in your own brain doesn’t mean that you’re struggling alone. We’re all gonna support you in the ways that we know how. And if you’re worrying about the way that Matt is doing it, maybe that’s something that you should talk to him about and make sure that you’re getting the support that you need and that he’s not feeling burned out.”

Nodding, you let her advice sit with you as you leaned against her, letting her hug you from the side while you listened to Matt and Luke’s music muffled through the bedroom door. When you finally straightened up and let her arm fall from your side, Jess gave you a supportive look. “Feeling ok?” She asked.

“A lot better.” You responded, which made Jess give a little cheer that made you smile. “Thank you for… everything.” You said, unsure how to put into words your gratitude for making the effort to get through to you when you were so resistant off of the bat.

She bumped you with her shoulder with a playful grin. “Of course, kid. I’ve always got you. Now let’s go make sure those two haven’t finished off the pizza or torn the place up to bad out there, yeah?” 

Grabbing the blanket from where you had put it down and following Jess back into the main living area feeling much lighter. 

~

After the night that Jess and Luke stopped by, things started to feel like they were getting better. Her advice made you feel like you could dig yourself out of the hole that you found yourself in. You were able to sit down with Matt and express the things that you were worried about, and with that line of communication opened up, you felt free to check in with him when you were concerned that he was being overloaded. Fortunately, after that chat, you were able to go about life more freely than you felt you had been able to in weeks, and after a few weeks you were able to look a short ways into the past and be proud of how far you had come.

However, your good mood unfortunately broke. 

Out of nowhere one morning, you woke up under a wave of depression. You tried to get up and go about things as usual, but disinterested and suddenly exhausted, you ended up back in bed curled in on yourself. After what felt like hours of drifting in and out of sleep and checking your phone, you heard the door open, and you looked to see Matt poke his head into the room. “Hey, sweetheart.” 

At the sound of his voice, tears started welling up in your eyes and you blinked hard to try and keep them from falling. You made a sound of acknowledgement that came out more like a whimper, and his eyes widened, his brow furrowing in concern as he stepped fully into the room. “Oh no,” he cooed softly, padding across the floor to the bed. “No, no, no.” He climbed under the covers on the empty side of the bed facing you.“Talk to me.” He hummed, delicately thumbing away a tear from your cheek.

You almost didn’t want to tell him why you were sad. You had been doing so well! You didn’t want him to pity you for not being able to get over the loss, but you know that if you made up a lie on the spot that he would be able to tell, so you took a steadying breath. Damn his senses. 

“I don’t know why it hit me like this again.” You told him, trying hard to keep your voice steady. “I thought I was done with this.” 

At the admission, your face grew hot with shame and you sniffled, wrapping your arms around yourself. “Hey, hey, none of that.” Matt murmured, pulling you into his arms. You buried your face in his chest and took hold of his t-shirt, taking in the scent of the cotton and his laundry detergent and grounding yourself in it to keep your mind from spiraling further down. 

“I’m embarrassed.” You whispered, and Matt shushed you, removing your hand from his shirt so that he could raise it to his mouth and press a kiss to your knuckles. 

“I know that it’s hard to feel like you’ve made progress only to be set back, but dealing with grief is never a linear process.” He told you, brushing some of your hair back from your face. “Things like this take time, and bad days will happen even after things have been good for a while. But I promise you that things will get better, and that these reminders will start to sting a lot less as it goes on.”

It was silent as you lied together, him listening to your heartbeat return to normal, and you thinking about what he had said while your tears dried. When you finally made a move to get up, Matt’s arm around your waist tensed as he held onto you and kept you from budging. You were only able to let out a confused sound before he took your jaw in his free hand and pressed a soft kiss to your lips. You raised your hands to his stubbly cheeks, and he leaned into your touch, a look in his eyes that was reassuring. “What was that for?” You asked.

He shrugged, a smug smirk on his face as he ran a calloused thumb across your bottom lip. “I just wanted to know you were smiling.” 

That you were. For the first time all day, you felt almost giddy as you giggled, pressing a quick peck to his smiling mouth. “You’re so soft.” You teased, climbing out from under the covers and stretching. 

“Just for you.” He replied, swinging his legs over the side and following your lead. When he got close, you stepped forward and wrapped him in a proper hug. You squeezed him, trying to find the right words to thank him, but with the way that he squeezed you back, you knew that you didn’t need to say anything at all. “You’ve got this, sweetheart.” He said quietly.

And for the first time in a while, you full-heartedly believed it.

~

masterlist

a/n: hello wonderful people! i’m back to classes and with structure comes more ways to work writing into my schedule! i’m working on a couple of wips right now, but my inbox and messages are open to new requests if you’re interested in dropping me something! 

any feedback is appreciated as always!! thank you so much for taking the time to read my work, and every note this gets makes my day! :-)

taglist (open): @krazy-katt-lady​ @occasionallygiveadamn​ @rotisserierogers @howlingbarnes​ @peculiar-persephone​

[cloveroctobers]

HARRY ZHONG (MITCHELL-WHITE)

IG info/bio: @/heedful.harry | 15.6k followers| hi, I’m Harry and I’m a business major. No, You don’t have to hold your applause 🧐

21 years old

From York, England

Cancer sun + ARIES MOON energy

He and his younger brother, Archie were foster children in the Mitchell-white household

which consisted: Harrison Mitchell and his daughter from a previous marriage, Briony, Piers White and together they had a surrogate carry their child, which gave them their second daughter, Pippa

Later they came to the decision to adopt Harry and Archie Zhong, if only that’s what they wanted too

It took longer for Harry to warm up to the family since he was still waiting and wishing for his mom to come back for them

He was diagnosed with IED around 15 years old

Goes to therapy for it and meetings with others with similar issues...he dreads the meetings since it makes him feel like he has a problem or something, which HE DOES but it makes him feel like a...but he knows that’s a ignorant way to think

He’s currently a business major and loves telling people about it *yawn* (don’t drag me lmao)

He’s thinking he’ll be a Financial analyst or a Marketing manager

The type of person who’s done a lot in his short life that it’s often unbelievable ex.) telling the villa he’s driven one of the cars that was used in the fast and furious franchise & getting pissed when bill and everyone else didn’t believe him

Harrison is a train driver and is normally bubbly + wears bright preppy clothes

He also loves Broadway, much to Harry’s annoyance...if he hears one more Hamilton song he’s gonna slam his head thru a wall stg

Piers is a music producer and is more reserved or “stand-off-ish” until he gets warmed up to you + his aesthetic is a rocker, yeah he’s got the whole tattoos and boots thing going for him, after all he was in a rock band

Piers makes the most $ and is of high status, which brought him and his family perks but is not a snob about it...it’s whatever ya know?

Harry’s closer to piers, feels he understands him more & can be kinda rude to Harrison when he’s in one of his moods but tries to be better at responding to him since he made him cry once years ago — yes he felt like complete shit afterwards

Harry is anemic so he always finds himself cold, experiencing fatigue, irregular heartbeat, and if he gets up too fast or moves too fast? Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the—FLOOO000R! (I’m making this joke as a person with anemia)

Likes cold weather since everyone else can feel what he feels on the daily

Plus he loves dressing for winter season, trench coats, wool coats, turtle necks, thermal t-shirts, fleece pants, rolled up beanies that keeps his ears covered and his hair glued to his forehead...you name it!

On the regular? He’s a khaki’s kinda guy, dress shirts, and loves wearing suit and ties...he’s not the biggest fan of jeans. He loves dressing fancy unless the measurements are bloody awful

I’m going by the alternative design for Harry and...whew! Then he’s 6’1 if we’re talking about the one they gave us then we all know he has a baby face, so I’d say he’s about 5’8

He’s got long legs + arms and hates how majority of his pants barely fit around his ankles

has dry scalp too

I feel like he’s pretty intelligent and sometimes it can come off as a know it all, yet, he’s always down to help people & isn’t condescending while doing so

He knows how to make soaps and would sell them on his etsy account in highschool where plenty shat on him for it so for awhile he stopped the hobby until Harrison encouraged him to keep at this if it was what makes him happy

Harrison is the type of parent you go to for comfort and hugs even if it might feel like he’s smothering you

Piers is the one who lets you come to him when you’re ready to talk about it, no pressure

Harry went to a high school that focused on technology so he’s all into the latest gadgets

This is a secret but he only got a apple watch to feel like a true spy

His intelligence got him somewhere with a few ladies ;)

He’s a certified freak, 7 days a week and had a handful of hookups and about 4 gfs in his life so far

He’s kinky!!!

& has a f**t fetish

His past relationships were not long relationships, which sucked but Harry felt like...this might sound arrogant, but it’s either their lost — although there was never any bad blood with his breakups! or his person was still out there somewhere...

I haven’t fully played his route (AJ stole my ass since I couldn’t romance seb or Nicky sorry) but I’ve seen screen caps and he’s a total sweetie if he’s really committed to you, you might be his “true love”

He’s nervous opposed to his usual confidence when he’s chatting to other ladies with ease, with you it’s different, it’s magnetic, nerve-wrecking, butterflies, electric, and exciting all wrapped in one

I feel like he shows his love language with quality time but also enjoys physical touch from his partner

Picky eater

But he was worst as a child! Barely ate anything which led to him being lanky or it’s in his genes but mostly he wouldn’t eat a damn thing

These are a few of his favorite things: figs, green tea, and almond milk

makes the best spring rolls with the rice paper, those are superior than fried! “Fried food will kill u u know!” “Okay bill.” “Iona, don’t know if u had too much to drink but, erm I’m Harry.” “R/WHOOOOssssh! And you’re s’pposed to be the smart one, yeah right.”

outside of the villa he found himself continuing his friendship with bill—even tho he pisses him off sometimes since he’s always got some shit to say but they’re probably the closest, Iona she’s always honest and is always a good time to be around when they hang out, Then there’s Camilo and Miki that he hangs out with too

Is the first one sharing about his day in the group chat with all of the villa, he can feel half of them rolling their eyes at him since many feel he tends to exaggerate

if he’s not endgame with mc...he kinda feels a way that Genevieve found her happiness in seb instead of him, it’s not that he’s bitter—he genuinely liked her and felt like maybe they didn’t try hard enough but deep down knows relationships can’t be forced. It’s just his ego trying to control things that’s all! plus he was comfortable with vieve even if it felt more on a platonic side...oh well

once slid into jen from s1’s dms one dark stormy drunk night & admitted on live that erikah kinda gave him some tips before going on the show... & that he thought one of the new girls that entered the villa was a better fit than one of the originals from s2 which caused him to get blocked by said original OOP

Has a circle of close friends outside of the villa, they’re all brainiacs and have something going for themselves

Enjoys action films and biographical drama films like: James Bond, John Wick, and the social network

Isn’t ashamed to admit that he loves using sheet face masks but isn’t the greatest at following a consistent skincare routine

Has his own back massager that he spent a lot of $ on since it wouldn’t go on sale and then a week later...it went on sale

sends a lot of “🙃🙂” texts when you piss him off

probably worked at GameStop, the apple store, Godiva, and currently works at a electronic repair shop for a side of cash but is looking for a internship since he’ll be graduating next year

Always Keeps cough drops on him? 

is a huge cuddler & falls asleep easily

His brain is always active, experiences REM sleep often

fav video games are tekken & hitman

owns a drone now 😏

also loves strategic board games & riddles

Took quarantine life seriously, did his research before it completely broke globally and started buying shit excessively in person and online that he sent most to his family before the campus shut down

Is the friend that will check on his friends :)

Keeps his dorm and his room back home CLEAN af, is OCD about everything being in order/organized. Will know if you touched his shit, Archie felt his wrath many times before

Has a life goal board in his closet, & plans to be fully established by 25. More power to ya Harry!

Celeb crushes: Victoria justice, Jesy Nelson, Deepika Padukone, Brec Bassinger, jasmine tookes, and princess Mae

Who does he listen to? oceanfromtheblue, Galimatias, Ta-Ku, Aries, Tyler, the creator, rich Brian, NIKI, viji, & AJR

Anthem = DPR IAN, “So beautiful”

[zpidey-sense]

eye of the tiger [gert x chase]

Pairing: Gert Yorkes x Chase Stein

Description: Gert has been secretly training with Molly every night. Until one night Molly is just too tired and finally decides to stop training Gert, leaving her on her own... but is she really on her own?

Words: 4.707... holy fuck, oops!

Warnings: a lot of flulff! And bad words of course, cause I´m the queen of cursing.

Note: Slightly cheesy at the end, cause y’all know I die for the gertxchase feels. And I also need more of that content lmao, can Hulu be faster and start doing season 2 already???? I’m dying for them!

By the way this post looks weird af on desktop, but it looks okay in the app!

The gif, I found it on @rowansdagger​ blog, not sure of who made it! But God bless that soul cause it saved my life!

Also, here is my masterlist! If you’re interested on reading my work.

‘’I think this is dumb as fuck, G.’’ Molly commented as she wrapped her hands on her, now pink colored bends.

‘’What did you just say?’’, Gert asked as she frowned and walked next to her, actually a bit surprised by her choice of words. ‘’Did you just say the word fuck? Since when do you use that word?’’

‘’Ugh, yes I did! Just because it is really stupid!’’, Molly said immediately as she just looked back at Gert. ‘’It’s the 2:00 a.m., in the morning!’’

Gert just smiled at her words:

‘’You know the ‘’a.m.’’ part means morning already, right?’’, she said as she started to wrap her hands on her bends on a soft way. Her hands had some bruises, so it hurt just a little.

‘’Of course I know that, Gert! I was just making emphasis in the fact that I should be sleeping!!’’, Gert just smiled and nodded as she saw how her little sister grew in frustration. She knew it would happen sooner or later, and this time it was sooner than she thought, but right now she just needed half an hour and that would be just fine.

‘’Oh come on Mols, it’s only half an hour.’’

‘’Still G, we could be doing this with the others at normal hours of the morning, you know. Not like if we were vampires or something, and had to do everything in secret.’’

‘’Yeah, you know I can’t do that’’, Gert commented as she blushed slightly.

‘’Yes, you can.’’

‘’Maybe I can… but you know I don’t like to be seen by others. I actually hate it’’

‘’I know’’, Molly said after some minutes of silence. She of course knew about her social anxiety and all her other issues, and she totally understood her. ‘’But still! We could do this earlier in the day, or maybe even at morning and just move to another room, there is plenty of space here. The Hostel is huge!’’

‘’I don’t want them to know either Molly, I want it to be a surprise.’’

Molly just raised her eyebrows and then kind of smiled:

‘’A surprise huh, is it for all of us or for someone in specific?’’

‘’Shut up, Mols’’, Gert said as she rolled her eyes and tried to stop the blush forming on her cheeks.

‘’So, it really is for that someone!’’

‘’No, it’s not, Mols. It’s a surprise for the whole team and for me. Now shut up and let’s start before it gets later, please.’’

‘’Ugh, sometimes I can’t with you’’, Molly commented as her annoyance started to show even more. ‘’I’m too tired.’’

‘’Molly, please!’’, but Molly didn’t say anything as she neither move a single inch. ‘’Molly!’’, but she didn’t answer.

It took just a few seconds for Gert to finally start thinking on something Molly would never say no to:

‘’Molly! I promise to wake you up with waffles… with a lot of chocolate on... even marshmallows!On bed! Only if you help me one more night’’, she commented, and as she did she also saw how Molly’s smile started to get bigger and bigger.

‘’Are you for serious?’’

‘’Have I ever lied to you about waffles?’’, that comment made Molly smile bigger. It seemed impossible, but for Molly nothing was impossible.

‘’You promise?’’, Molly asked really excited, now extending her arm and offering her pinky for Gert to take.‘’Pinky promise?’’

‘’I totally do, I pinky promise Mols’’, Gert said as she took her pinky and twisted it a bit with hers.

Molly smiled and then after some seconds she just screamed ‘’watch out!’’ while attacking Gert out of nowhere, that made them both fall on the floor, with Molly above Gert, she was looking at her now totally surprised:

‘’Fuck off, Mols’’, she said, now a bit annoyed. ‘’ What the fuck was that?’’

‘’Always be ready, remember that?’’. She said with the biggest of the smiles now.

And that was just because waffles, they always fixed everything.

‘’Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just don’t do that again.’’

Molly laughed and then just helped her get up, some seconds later both totally ready and starting to combat, this time for real. They both did that every night since the team started to train, even though she didn’t train with them and they didn’t know she was training, but it was the same routine and the same movements.

It felt great.

She always saw them when they were training too, she was always with them but watching from afar, while reading a book or listening to music. Sometimes, she was just pretending to do that while she was actually watching them and their movements.

Even O.L. trained with them, especially with Chase just because they had a crazy bond going on; not even Gert knew how to explain how that was happening.

Anyways, they all decided to start training because they noticed that every time they left the hostel to look for supplies or food, they always encountered a new danger. Like for example a new gang of bad guys or some weird and crazy villain, on a lower scale that didn’t need the help of The Avengers or even the police, of course.

Even if the police was as evil as their parents, but anyways!

After 3 minor incidents happened where at least one of them got out of slightly hurt, they decided that they needed to be a little bit more prepared if they didn’t want to die, or worse, be caught by the police and their parents.

Gert decided that she couldn’t be part of it, but two nights after they started training she couldn’t sleep for some reason, so she decided to go for a walk. She ended up going to that part of the Hostel where they usually trained and after some minutes of just walking around it, she just tried some of the movements she saw them making that same morning.

She felt weird at first because she didn’t have any crazy superpowers like Karo, Molly and Nico had. Neither she was strong or muscled like Chase, nor didn’t she know all the weird but cool tactics Alex knew to fight thanks to his video games.

She felt just... out of place.

That was actually one of the main reasons she didn’t want to train with them, but in those few minutes that she was trying to train by herself she even felt worse than she thought she would, just because she felt that she was doing it wrong.

Until Molly appeared of course, she actually just let herself be seen by Gert because she followed her after she left the room they all were sleeping in after watching a movie some minutes ago, so Molly actually had been seeing her for almost 20 minutes.

Gert wanted to die when she saw her, she felt ashamed and shy of herself. But Molly didn’t let that happen, she actually encouraged her to keep going and at the end she even helped her to train, showing Gert how the movements had to be done.

Since that night they had that little system; while everyone was sleeping she left O.L. with Chase, and after some minutes she just reunited with Molly downstairs and started her training.

It was a good system, until Molly started to feel too tired to even try to function right during the days. Even Gert was starting to feel exhausted, so she knew that it was going to happen pretty soon, and tonight she was sure it was the last night.

But at least she learnt from Molly as much as she could, Gert thought. She also thought that she was getting faster; she could even say that she was feeling stronger and if she was honest, she really liked it. It felt just right.

‘’Alright, we are done’’, Gert said 45 minutes later, as she kept lying on the floor. She had bruises all over her body and right now she was feeling like someone was passing over her with a bus, she was really tired.

She already had thousands of bruises, but tonight the list was going to grow. No one noticed her bruises though, or well, maybe that’s what she thought.

‘’Of course we are’’, Molly said as she got up immediately and then just yawned. ‘’Tomorrow Gertrude Yorkes, remember my waffles. If not, consider yourself done.’’

Gert just smiled as she watched her little sister slowly leave the room, she was noticeably tired:

‘’Don’t worry, goodnight and hope you sleep well bruiser!’’

‘’Don’t call me like that!!’’, she said as she frowned and kept walking away. ‘’You know I hate it’’

‘’Sure, thanks for everything Mols!’’

‘’Yeah, yeah!’’

‘’I love you!’’, Gert just smiled at her response and kept lying there; slowly closing her eyes as she tried to gain some more energies again. Tonight it was the last one, so they trained harder than they ever did before.

She was tired; actually more than tired she was fucking exhausted. She had to pretend everything was normal, so she woke up with them every day at 8:00 am, even though she usually fell asleep at 3:30am every night, so she, of course needed more sleep.

She actually needed some vacations.

And the most important thing now, she needed a warm shower.

But right now she was just laying there, without glasses and with her hair on a high bun, something she never did. Also, she was using the sportiest clothes she could find on her little closet. She didn’t look like her best and she knew it, besides she was all sweaty and feeling dirty, but she didn’t care right now because the only one that saw her like that was Molly.

Or so she thought.

‘’Gert?’’, a really familiar voice suddenly asked.

‘’Fuck’’, she thought just as she opened her eyes and looked at him there, looking at her from above. His hair was messy and the way the light was shining above him made him seem like a literal God. ‘’Fuck, fuck, fuck’’

‘’Are you okay?’’, he asked again.

‘’Hey Chase’’, she slowly blushed as she just kept lying on the floor. She could see him and even if she saw him kind of blurry because of her lack of glasses, she knew he was smiling now. That smile she noticed was reserved only for her. ‘’Yeah! Of course I’m okay, why wouldn’t I be?’’

‘’Well, first… you’re lying on the floor and from there’’, he pointed at the top of the stairs where O.L. was now watching them as he sat like a huge, nice dog, ‘’if I’m honest, it looks like you are dead. It’s also 3:30 am, so... you know.’’

‘’Well, as you can see from the conversation we are both having right now, I’m not dead. So yeah, I’m okay Chase.’’ Gert smiled as she slowly sat on the floor, crossing her legs and trying to not maintain eye contact with him.

‘’Then what’s up, dear?’’, Chase asked as he just sat down in front of her. Gert taking a deep sigh immediately as he did that. He was on his pj’s, just as she left him like an hour ago.

Sometimes... well, most of the time they used to fall asleep together, they were sure no one knew about it. But of course everyone did know about it.

‘’I don’t know, what’s down?’’, that comment made Chase laugh, so he just bit his lip. Gert watched him as he did that, and in that moment she wished she had her glasses just to detail him better.

‘’What are you doing here and… like this?’’, he asked again as Gert just looked at him, she really didn’t know what to say so she just looked at him like she was judging him. ‘’By the way, you look adorable Gert. If I’m honest.’’

‘’God’’, she just thought as she rolled her eyes and looked at him, and then she just smiled a bit just because she couldn’t help it.

‘’Really adorable’’, he added with a little smile.

‘’Well, thanks… and nothing, really nothing Chase, I’m just here… chilling, don’t you see’’, she shrugged as she looked down; some seconds later she just heard him scoff.

‘’You’re never going to tell me, right?’’

‘’Tell you what?’’, she looked at him again.

‘’What you’ve been doing, G’’

‘’And what exactly I’ve been doing, Stein?’’, she asked as she raised an eyebrow.

‘’I notice how many bruises you get every day, you knew that, right?’’, Chase said as he raised his eyebrows. ‘We sleep together, G. I notice.’’

‘’So what?’’, Gert asked again, pretending to not know what he meant as her anxiety was growing inside and not slowly.

‘’Well, if you want an elaborated and detailed inform of what you’ve been doing these past weeks I think that’s going to take me more than a bit. But long story short, I know that today you finally perfected that kick you’ve been dying to do since two weeks ago, darling.’’

Gert’s face went expressionless as she felt how her cheeks started to feel warmer and warmer. Holy shit, that’s all her mind could think on right now as now she knew that he knew and that he has probably been…

‘’I’ve been seeing you, and Mols... every night’’, he just confirmed her. That affirmation made her close her eyes as she felt ashamed, but mostly shy of herself. ‘’I also feel when you leave the bed, you know… I can’t really sleep without you.’’

‘’Well’’, she said as she looked at him again, even more blushed by his second confession. ‘’Today is the last night you will ever see that, cause Molly doesn’t want to help me anymore.’’

‘’Yeah, and it’s a total shame G’’, he said as he just smiled and Gert looked at him confused. ‘’But now it’s going to be so much better, trust me’’

‘’What do you mean?’’, she just asked that, looking at him on a weird way.

‘’Yeah! Great you ask, cause now I’m going to be your trainer!’’, he said now with his biggest smile ever as he then kind of did jazz hands. Gert just looked at him on a weird way as her cheeks started to feel hotter, not even warmer but just hotter. ‘’Yayyy!’’

‘’What?! B-but… I’m not asking you, Chase!’’

‘’I know you’re not! That’s why I’m proposing myself, I’m not asking you either. I’m just saying that I will be your trainer’’

‘’But Chase, what the f…’’

‘’Oh, come on muffin lips…’’

‘’Don’t call me like that’’, she cut his words almost immediately.

‘’Alright, Gertrude’’, Chase said on a funny way as he kept smiling and she just rolled her eyes. ‘’We both know you want to keep training’’

‘’Well, yeah of course I do Chase, b-‘’

‘’But nothing, G! I want to be your trainer’’, he said as he kept looking at her, but now with big puppy eyes.

‘’Chase’’, he knew those eyes never failed with her.

‘’Please, let me be your trainer’’, he said or well, more like he begged her.

‘’Ugh, alright Chase’’, she said after some seconds, rolling her eyes and then just looking at him, trying to hold her smile. ‘’You can be my trainer from now on, are you happy?’’

‘’Great! Of course I’m happy’’, he said as he smiled bigger and bigger. He felt that was his opportunity to get closer to Gert again, he needed it to happen even if she seemed to have gotten over him.

And he also wanted to help her train by the way, because he always saw how happy she was when she was training so he didn’t want that little piece of happiness to stop for her.

‘’But!’’, she quickly added.

‘’Oh my god’’

‘’Yeah, you know there is a but… I only accept if you don’t try to teach me how to kick’’, Gert said now while smiling.

‘’What do you even mean?’’

‘’Oh Chase, I didn’t want to be the one to break the news for you, but you really don’t know how to kick’’

‘’Oh! So now you’re saying you’re better than me, huh!’’, Chase said as he smiled at her.

‘’Well, I didn’t say that but… you’re not lying either…’’ Gert shrugged as she bit her lip on a playful way.

‘’Does this means what I think it does?’’

‘’I don’t know, what’s that?’’

‘’Are you challenging me now?’’

‘’Oh, hell yeah I am’’, she said as she just got up, suddenly feeling all energetic again.

‘’Ohh, alright. Let’s dot this’’ Chase said as he got up, taking his phone from the floor and unlocking it. They all had phones, but none of them worked like they should do, so they were practically just iPods without apps and internet.

Really boring to be honest, but at least they worked for music.

‘’What are you doing… pumpkin eyes?’’, she quickly whispered the nickname she gave him some years ago, just loud enough for him to hear as well.

So when he heard her calling him by his old nickname, his eyes couldn’t get brighter and his heartbeat couldn’t get faster, he just smiled and kept looking for the song:

‘’If we are going to train then it’s gonna be on my rules, muffin lips’’, he smiled as he played the song.

Gert frowned just as soon as she heard the intro. It was Eye Of The Tiger.

‘’Oh my god, what the fuck?’’, and then just laughed. ‘’Are we suddenly inside a Rocky movie, or what?’’

‘’Oh come on! It’s good for training!’’

‘’If we were living on the 80’s, for sure it is!’’, she said, just kidding though.

‘’So what? You love the 80’s!’’ Chase pointed out as he smiled.

‘’Alright, whatever’’, she just rolled her eyes and fixed her bun, all while smiling. Chase couldn’t help but smile like an idiot as well. ‘’I hope the next song after this one gets better, though.’’

‘’It’s the same song.’’

‘’What do you mean by it’s the same song?’’

‘’It’s a playlist, dear’’ he then showed her the phone, scrolling down the playlist as it showed the same song over and over, and over again.

‘’Oh my god, Chase!’’, Gert just laughed as she just kind of leant herself back. ‘’I can’t believe you.’’

‘’Well, you like me like this after all’’, he just shrugged as he left the phone on the floor.

‘’Yep, I do… anyways, let’s start!’’ Gert said quickly again, as she tried to avoid the little affirmation she made after he said that.

This must be Chase’s lucky day… or night, technically. His heart felt like it was filled with emotion as his cheeks got redder. She never admitted it like that; she has actually never said something like that. Ever.

‘’Alright!’’, and then they just got in position.

It seemed like they were actually going to fight, but it was never really close to it. They basically just played with each other as they laughed and playfully bumped each other, they were just having fun and they liked it.

They missed goofing like that.

They all lived under the same roof as a team, it was weird to have those kind of intimate moments with the person you liked, and even trying to make a movement was weird because there was always someone else in the room so you were never really alone.

And the walls were thin, so somehow everyone always knew what was up with the others. Nothing was a secret, and if it was then everyone knew about it but no one talked about it. It was like a non-written rule.

So having moments like those were really appreciated. Chase felt free; doing something he always wanted to do with one of his favorite persons in the whole world was something that made him feel free.

Gert felt completed, for a moment she felt like nothing else but her little game with Chase was what mattered. No anxiety attacks, no panic, no depression pills were even on her mind. She felt good.

Both felt freed and completed, like they finally found the thing that was missing on their lives. The thing that they lost by acting like they never were friends some years ago. But now it was back, and way stronger than before.

‘’Chase! Your phone!’’, Gert said out loud as she kept running. He stopped to look at her as she just hit herself against him just because she didn’t stop, as soon as that happened she fell above him on the floor.

‘’Sorry’’, she said as her cheeks got redder than they already were.

‘’Don’t worry’’, Chase answered immediately as he was gasping and looking at her. None of them moved, none of them wanted to move actually, just because they both were waiting for the same.

But, as usual on their weird relationship, none of them did it even if the desire was showing in their eyes.

Suddenly the atmosphere on the room quiet down. The laughter and banter disappeared as there was only a little tension on the air, it neither was uncomfortable nor weird, just the kind of tension they both have been wanting to break since they started to be friends again.

‘’I-‘’, Gert started to say as she slowly moved to get up, but Chase was faster. And even if she was stronger now, she really wanted that too so she didn’t even made an effort on stopping him.

‘’No, don’t leave’’, Chase suddenly said as he made her get closer, taking her by her waist. ‘’Please’’

‘’… make me stay’’, Gert suddenly said. After that, there was definitely nothing that could stop them.

Gert suddenly took Chase by his neck as he pulled her a bit closer to his face, none of them kissed first; it was more like a mutual and non-spoken decision just because they both wanted it. They both needed it.

First it was a really wild kiss, both wanting the most of each other as their hands touched the most that they could. They both were desperate, they both were hungry for each other because they have been trying to hide it for so long but at the end nothing could really stop them from doing that.

They both have been craving it since the last time they touched like that, since that night they boosted their parents. But it was also the night they both touched heaven and hell at the same time, and they will never forget about that.

Chase has been repeating the moment on his mind over and over again; meanwhile Gert has been regretting what she told him after what happened. The anxiety won over her that night, and after some time Chase knew that was what actually happened.

Both seemed to have forgotten about it, both tried to forget about it, but none of them really did it. They wanted to repeat it all over and over again.

In the middle of the kiss, Chase suddenly took over; rolling over the floor and getting above her as now his hands were on her neck, showing a slightly dominance as Gert slowly started to caress his back on a slow way, even almost undressing him.

As Chase took over, the kiss also slowed down; it suddenly got sweeter and even romantic.

They felt like old lovers that were finally reuniting after spending some time separated. They were loving it, Gert couldn’t stop thinking on how much she missed his lips, on how much she was craving his touch and on how much she was in love with him.

Meanwhile Chase only had on his mind how happy he was right now; how nothing or no one could compare to her and her touch, her kisses, and her body. How no one could ever be like her and how no one could ever top the love that he felt for her. He was so in love, and he could finally admit it.

Suddenly Chase’s lips took another direction and he soon started to kiss her neck on a really slow way, making her feel better as she wasn’t able to stop smiling. He stopped on the middle of her neck as he whispered something that was incomprehensible for her.

‘’What?’’, Gert said on a fragile and even sensual voice. That voice made Chase get crazy as he has only heard that voice once.

And oh, he missed it.

‘’God, I fucking love you’’, he said as he went back to her lips and started to kiss her immediately. She was shocked about what he said, she couldn’t believe what he just said but the way her heart was racing couldn’t say it more, she fucking loved him as well.

‘’Oh my god!’’, the sound of Karo’s voice made them both stop as they looked at the top of the stairs. Karolina was there, looking at them in total shock as Old Lace was on her feet, moving her tail as a huge dog. ‘’Get a room you guys, what the hell!’’

And just as soon as she appeared out of nowhere, she just left. Her face said it all, it was a total poem and oh, everybody was going to know about it.

‘’Dammit’’, they both thought.

‘’Huh...’’, Chase finally broke the silence.

‘’I- I think we should go back to sleep’’, Gert said as she looked back at Chase.

His cheeks were as red as a tomato and she couldn’t even stop her smile, just because he looked adorable.

‘’Yeah... yeah. You’re right’’ Chase then looked back at her again and then just smiled. ‘’I’m sorry.’’

‘’It’s totally perfect Chase, you know it’’

Both smiled and then they just got up, Chase finally stopping the playlist as they both started to walk upstairs. They were quiet and noticeably nervous, both of them really were.

Gert couldn’t stop playing with her bracelet, meanwhile Chase was breathing on a really weird way. Their minds were racing because both wanted to say many things, but as always no one said anything first, so no one said a single word about what just happened.

Some seconds later Gert suddenly stopped just as Chase kept walking to their usual room, he then just stopped with a sleepy Old Lace next to him when he noticed that she stopped.

‘’I’ll... I’ll take a shower, you know’’, Gert said as she smiled and he started to walk back to her.

‘’Oh’’

‘’Yeah’’, she nodded.

He smiled and after that they both got quiet, it wasn’t uncomfortable nor weird. It was just the fact that they were just really nervous and didn’t want to leave things hanging on like before, of course.

They actually just wanted to keep going. But again, none of them did nothing.

‘’Oh yeah, shower, sure! I should get going... you know’’, he just smiled and then just started to walk.

‘’Wait, Chase!’’, she suddenly took him by his hand and just pulled him back, making him get closer.

She then just took him by his neck and suddenly kissed him, getting on tiptoes as he just closed his eyes and tried not to smile during the kiss, it was the most sincere and sweet kiss ever, and he wanted it to last as much as it could.

It would never stop feeling as the best thing he has ever done, and it felt the same for her.

‘’You know I hope you really meant that thing you said back there... cause I do too... I love you too, Chase’’, she just smiled and then just went inside the bathroom, leaving a smiley Chase outside of it.

They both immediately laid on the door, closing their eyes as they both felt their hearts racing. Now they knew it and they could declare it, they were really in love and nothing could stop them from feeling that way.

‘’Dammit, I love you so much.’’ They both whispered after some seconds, still laying on the bathroom door. They totally heard each other and nothing could stop them from smiling the way they were.

Just as the way they were feeling.

So freaking cuteeeee jhfksjhf I love them so much, I wanna die byeeeee. So if you wanna read more of my work here is  my masterlist! (I have another gert x chase imagine) and also if you wanna follow me, you totally can! Thanks for reading lol. By the way this post looks weird af on desktop, but it looks okay in the app! 

[scartale-an-undertale-au]

Papers of Homelessness - Chapter 39

(This banner had been made by the awesome and amazing artist @benteja​. i am so honored that she had drawn this banner for this story. please go and show her all the love in the world that she deserves!!! \[^o^]/)

BEFORE | NEXT

a/n: i wanted to write another scene for this chapter, but i totally forget about it until i finished the drawing. and now i’m too sleepy to concentrate. so enjoy some confused chara and grillby having a petty argument over the tip jar.

p.s. sorry for anything weird. like i said, half hallucinating.

Your eyes opened slowly to reveal the familiar pale color of your room's ceiling. You blinked, not recalling ever leaving your classroom.

Did you blank out or something? Probably all the fatigue from Muffet's stalking getting to you. You shifted in bed and attempted to rise, instantly holding your head when it exploded in pain.

You took a few deep breaths and lied back down, the pounding in your head feeling like nails drilling into your temples.

That's strange… you had a strange vision during the test, but you didn't get such a severe headache from it. You probably slept on the wrong side or something like that. You pushed yourself up once more and placed your feet on the floor, trying to think past the dizziness and pain.

Were you sick or something?

You spotted from the edge of your sight a glass of water and some tablets of painkillers. An all too familiar scene from the many books that you have read.

…

You got drunk?!

Might explain the lack of memory and your shitty mood. But you didn't know how you were as a drunk man since you never tried to get drunk. Felt too troublesome.

Well, seemed like there was a first time for everything.

You gratefully downed the tablets and drank the water, slowly getting on your wobbly legs and walking carefully to the door. When you finally managed to get your feet under you and so more confidentially opened the door and turned towards the kitchen to grab food before you headed out back to college.

A red blur rushed towards you and you managed in the nick of time to duck behind the wall and watch as the big woman crashed into the floor.

"What the hell are you doing in my house, Undyne?" You asked in annoyance. Was she driving you to school? Does Grillby really think that you couldn't protect yourself? And what about Frisk? Are they forcing her to stay at the diner from now on? She would go crazy if she stayed there for too long.

You needed to talk to Grillby about that.

"I was worried about you, you punk!" Undyne exclaimed, jumping to her feet and pulling her mussed up hair back to a braid. That was a strange new look for her…

"Did I really get drunk that badly?" You muttered and she raised a brow in confusion.

"Drunk?"

You stared at her. "I did get drunk… right?"

"Huh? Of course not! You passed out on the bus I told you not to go on! You're lucky I drove to the last stop just to yell at you! The driver was going nuts, already about to call the ambulance on you."

…

"I fainted?" You asked in disbelief. She nodded. "But I don't recall anything that could have made me faint…"

"Apparently you called for someone named Void about winning something." You drew a blank. "Is he like a gamer or something?"

Undyne shrugged, grabbing your hand and pulling you to the dining table, where two nylon covered plates were placed on. An orange bottle standing between the plates. "Now go eat something. Your mom made breakfast before she left."

Applause for mom.

Your stomach let out a loud rumble and you quickly took your place at the table and unwrapped your plate, eagerly eating the scrambled eggs, cucumbers and toast. For some reason, you were starving.

"Did she say where is she going?"

"Nope. She just said that she was extremely worried about you. Seriously, man. That was super scary seeing you all unconscious in the poor driver's arms. You looked dead there for a moment," Undyne sighed.

"…Sorry? I don't even know what happened."

"Huh…" You two went back to eating.

Seriously. What did you even do to make you pass out like that? Relieved another strange vision of that other life or something?

…

Wait, you said something about 'void' and winning. Perhaps you did see something and the pain was too great… that would make sense since your visions tended to leave you half-hanging to life.

Great… it progressed to passing out and memory problems…

What a way to begin the day.

Frisk looked unhappy when you came to work

To be honest, so were you. You got a good grade, but it was lower than usual so you had a talk with the professor about redoing the test since you were 'sick'.

Undyne drove even faster than yesterday if that was even humanely possible and you nearly puked when finally getting off at the campus.

You asked her to drive her slow mode when she gave you the lift to Grillby's.

"Not happy with staying at Grillbz'?" You smirked at her. She huffed and pinched your side, ignoring your yelp. "I was being nice!"

"…No, you were sarcastic."

Touché.

"So any signs from wanted no. 1 stalker?"

A shake of the head. "Left a note…"

Great… "Can I see it?"

Frisk nodded and slinked back to the backroom, so you took over her until the paper slipped into your hands. You told the costumer to wait for a moment before reading the slip of paper.

'I have all the information I need.'

Wow, so ominous.

"You think she's going to act now?" You glanced at Frisk. She shrugged, hidden face lowered. You decided to change a topic while you began the order. "Want to try and uncover your face for an hour?"

Frisk thought over the offer and then shrugged again, hands rising to pull the hood back. She took a deep breath and then opened her eyes. When no strange sounds were heard because honestly, no one here cared about looking at the baristas, she relaxed and went to clean the tables.

You grinned and placed the cup of coffee in front of the costumer, who had given a small patient smile. Oh great, a talkative client.

"It's very sweet of you to encourage her," The costumer said in her elderly sweet tone.

You shrugged. "No one really cares so I just do that to show her that."

"Still very sweet of you, young man," She placed a few coins in the new tip jar you had got. Take that, Grillby! "Good luck."

"Thank you," You said genuinely, glad for the tip. "Have a good day."

"Will do."

She left and you greeted the next costumer. You sighed in relief and quickly changed the song playing from the jukebox to some jazz before returning to your order.

An hour later and a switch to classic rock, you saw Grillby exit the backroom and gave him a cheeky grin and pointed slyly at the tip jar. "Who was the one who said that no one gives tips? Who? Who?" You poked the half-filled jaw at each 'who', grin widening.

Grillby stared at you for a long time before he approached the cashier. "…Tip to Frisk…"

"Hey!" You cried out in indignation. "I was the one to get the tip!"

"…Don't gloat…"

"Grrr…." You growled and held the jar to your chest. "Mine!"

Grillby gave you a long gaze. "…Less pay."

"You're being petty!"

"…You too."

"Shut up..." You jolted and turned to see Frisk stand before you two, looking even smaller than usual because of her height next to the tallest of the bunch Grillby. But being small did not smother her glare.

She really was unhappy.

You shuddered despite yourself. Grillby, however, simply nodded. The smug little bastard.

Which reminded you…

"Frisk, can I have a talk with you after close up?" You inquired and Frisk tilted their head in confusion before nodding, sending a glare at Grillby.

The redhead shook his head. "…Today as well…"

The jukebox let out a string of drumming.

Frisk huffed and turned on her heel, walking briskly back to her task cleaning the floor, but not before changing the channel to soul music. You turned to Grillby and frowned. "You know she hates being confined here."

"…Safe here."

"She can take care of herself. It's not like she's your daughter or something."

"…Granddaughter."

"Huh?"

"…Joe… like a son…" Grillby's glasses gleamed and he sighed, fixing them. You caught glance of his tired green eyes and the multiplying gray hairs in his hair, standing out between the dark red strands.

So Grillby was affected by everything that has been going on lately as well… you wondered what kind of things he sees at night when he's alone.

Having Frisk here probably wasn't helping. And Muffet lurking in the shadows with the idea that she's wanted by the police and wants something from Frisk… he was probably more worried than he lets on.

You might be socially awkward, but you were no idiot. Grillby was probably keeping Frisk here more for his sake than hers…

"So you see her as a granddaughter? I thought grandparents pamper their grandchildren," You gave a lopsided grin and nudged him.

He shrugged. "…Can't... Too reckless…"

"Frisk?" You snorted. "She's manipulative for sure. But she's not reckless."

You heard a small chuckle and your eyes widened at the small quirk up of the older man's mouth. "…She is… a lot… of things…"

You gaped at him, not used to the smile and the way his face became younger with the laugh. Grillby noticed you gawking and his smile fell, his serious demeanor returning.

You immediately felt like a scum for ruining this moment and cleared your throat. "Well, whatever she is, you still got to understand that she's not a baby. She doesn’t like to be forced to stay here or being babied."

Grillby nodded. "…I know…"

You rolled your eyes and gave up on convincing the older man. It was said that older men are always stuck in their beliefs and you knew that you won't win an argument with your boss. "Whatever, Grillbz. Just don't push her too far. Maybe even get your daughter to come by. Give Frisk a chance to meet her aunt," You smirked at your owner when he gave you a piercing look.

But after a moment, Grillby sighed. "…Why not…"

You grinned in triumph.

NEXT

[foodselfiesandstuffblog]

Fader: Remy Ma Never Rests

Everyone around Remy Ma says she’s never been better, but she isn’t convinced. “I have people like my husband and Joe and the Cool & Dres and the DJ Khaleds being like, ‘Omg you’re phenomenal. You were good before but now...’ and I’m just like, whatever,” she says over the phone from New York, feigning annoyance but unable to stifle a laugh. “I feel like I was as good then as I am now; y'all buggin’.” One of the most formidable rappers in the tri-state area and beyond, Remy is indeed as sharp today as she was when she guested on Big Pun’s posthumous 2000 album Yeeeah Baby or when she stole the show on the 2004 chart-topping Terror Squad cut “Lean Back.”

In the 18 months since serving an eight-year sentence at New York’s Bedford Hills Correctional Facility for Women, she’s ripped through remixes of Dej Loaf’s “Try Me” and Phresher’s “Wait a Minute” with punch-heavy bars, and earned two Grammy nominations for the breakout hit “All the Way Up.” Her dedication is clear: in summer 2014 she was back in the studio just hours after being released from prison; she skipped her honeymoon to record a banger; and now just months later is gearing up to release Plato O Plomo, her collaborative album with Fat Joe. Mostly celebratory, the record mixes raucous turn-up anthems with more R&B- and island-tinged escapist jams. In a way, it is both the epilogue to her prison term and a prelude to a more personal, forthcoming solo record that recounts the story of those days on the inside, removed from her family and surrounded by women “abandoned” by the outside. In the interview below, Remy opens up about reconnecting with her Terror Squad roots, fighting for prison reform and awareness, and prepping a sophomore album about the seasons she lost.

What prompted you and Joe to come together and do this album now? It feels like a full circle moment?

I think it was just time. I was doing my own thing. I've been gone for a while. He's kind of been on hiatus for a little while. But one day we had done a performance together in the Bronx. That was probably the first performance we did in I don't know how many years. And the response from the crowd was just so crazy. I was just like, "You know what, maybe we should give this a try. Let's just see what happens." It was like a shot in the dark type of thing: We'll go in the studio, we'll record some songs, and if it comes out dope then we'll go from there. It can't go halfway, it can't be alright, it can't be okay. It has to be crazy because the last thing that people heard us on together was "Lean Back," which was Grammy nominated. So we have to be at least up to that par. We went in the studio and we started recording and it was just coming out amazing. Actually, the first song that we recorded together was "All the Way Up."

Some people might expect the album to be 12 versions of "All the Way Up," but there are a lot of different sounds and ideas on it. Did you guys have an agenda when you made it?

It wasn't even like we were trying to do a lot of different things. It was just that was the way it came out, and we took the best of the best. It was executive produced by Cool & Dre, who are like geniuses as far as I'm concerned. I've been working with them since I was young. As they cranked them out on the production side, we just went in and did what we did.

Fat Joe, what I can say about him — what people in the industry but not too many fans know, his ear for good music is like none other. He can smell a hit a mile away. Me, I don't have the patience. I cannot sit there and listen to a hundred million beats. He will sit there and listen to beat after beat after beat until he sniffs it out like a bloodhound. So that process took a little long. I give him all the credit. He sat in the studio and listened to beats for months. The whole summer and maybe even some of the fall. He was going to clubs seeing what songs was popping, trying to see what people was really feeling, what the vibe was and once he picked all the production and things like that we went in there and we probably spent like two weeks, three weeks tops, and laid vocals down. And that's how we've always worked, even when we did the Terror Squad album. The one that I was on — True Story that had "Lean Back" and "Take Me Home" — we did that the same way. We picked the production, then flew down to Miami for like two weeks. And it's crazy because it seems like a fast process, but when we're in there we're just locked in the whole time.

You've been in the game a while now. How would you say your music is different now than it was when you started, or even than it was even a decade ago?

You know what, it's weird because due to the timing of when I first did my verse on Pun's album to now, yes, that's a long time. But there was an eight year period in the middle of all of that where I couldn't put out no music at all, period. So, to me, everything is still fresh and new. I only have one solo album under my belt. This is just the third album that I've even worked on. I feel like I missed so much. As far as how much I've changed, I think everything is just growth. I feel like I'm as good as I was then, but then I have people like my husband and Joe and the Cool & Dres and the DJ Khaleds being like, "Omg you're phenomenal. You were good before but..." and I'm just like yeah, whatever. I feel like I was as good then as I am now, y'all buggin'. But apparently, they all think I'm much better now. I don't know if I should take it as a compliment or what. But if I never put out another record or album in my life, I'd still record music. That's just in me.

“Everybody always tries to pit women against each other. But I feel like we’re so different. We aren’t even in the same lane at all, period.”

 How do you view your role in music now? You've always called yourself the "Queen of New York," but it seems you're talking bigger now, and taking more shots.

Every artists has that braggadocios streak in them. I've always felt like, when it comes to this rapping, I think I'm the best. And I say "Queen," but god-honest, put my life on it, I feel like I'm better than a lot of guys. I hate that there are instances where I just get compared to females. And that's not just for me, I feel like there are other females that are better than some of the guys. I just tend to think that I'm better than a lot of the guys. I feel like it's time to stop all of this "she's dope for a female" shit. Nah. Stop playin'. My pen has never been questioned.

Anybody can get it. That's how I be on it. If you listen to my old mixtapes, if I ever had a problem with any female or anything ever in life, I will say your name. But I'm not just gonna go and come at somebody just to do it. Even when I first came out I never felt like in order to get on I had to tear down this female or that female. I've never done that in my life. But the problem is, there's only been one person reigning for so long, so any time I say anything it's, "Oh, she gotta be talking about this person." I'm open to working with anybody and I don't have any problems with anybody. I don't want no problems with anybody. I'm very happy and I'm in a good space in my life, and I don't want anyone to feel like I'm ever coming at them. That's that.

Everybody always tries to pit women against each other. They make it seem like there can only be one female at a time. But I feel like we're so different. We aren't even in the same lane at all, period. We are on total different ends of the spectrum. But whatever.

How has your life changed post-prison? How has your outlook changed?

Well, I would definitely say I'm not as reckless as I used to be. Would've probably been totally different ten years ago. I'm a little bit smarter now, and more worried about my business. Before, when I was young, I just wanted to be the best rapper. I didn't care about all the other stuff, I just wanted them to be like "shorty is dumb nice, she's crazy." Now, it's not even about that. I think differently now. I don't even care about the things I used to care about. And I think that's something that just happens with growth. I'm not 25 years old anymore. I don't think like a 25-year-old. Before I was like, I just want to put out this mixtape. I just want the streets to hear this. I just did this freestyle, it's crazy. But bruh, a mixtape is free. I'm not doing that shit anymore, really.

“I’ve met women that haven’t seen their children in a decade that live 40 minutes from them. Women who have husbands that they haven’t seen since they got incarcerated 20 years ago. Women whose friends have signed them off as a loss.”

Can we talk a bit about the prison system for a bit because you've talked a lot the past few months — and just in general — about women, particularly black women, being abandoned in prison, and just the way that the system is totally corrupt.

Well, first let me say, people be like, you're out of jail now — and by people, I mean idiots on social media who just type because they have fingers — why do you talk about prison so much? I'm almost positive I have some type of PTSD. I really went through a traumatic experience. Almost a decade of my life was consumed by the prison system. Of the past 15 years [as a rapper], I've spent most of that time in prison as opposed to the "free world," so I don't think I'm going to forget any of the things I went through, and I still have people that I have learned to care about that are there, and will probably end up having to spend the rest of their life there. So, if I can do anything or create any type of awareness — because honestly I know I didn't even know.

Prior to me actually being there, I didn't know any women that went to prison. So I've gotten to meet women that haven't seen their children in a decade that live 40 minutes from them. Women who have husbands that they haven't seen since they got incarcerated 20 years ago. Women whose friends have signed them off as a loss. And it was even more hurtful because I had such a strong support team in my husband who visited me every single day the first year, and then every year after that as much as he possibly could. And I had a visit every single day. So any day — in a prison of 900 to 1000 women — I would be down there with a visit and there would be like two or three other people. There was times where I was on a visit and I was the only person that had one. These are people that have husbands and mothers and sisters and children.

And it was so sad to me because I've been to visit floors at male facilities, and it is so crowded that they cut visits short so that the next people can come in. It's so crazy. You'll have girlfriends and baby mamas and pen pals and friends. People with babies and strollers and packages. And most of the visitors there were women. But when it came to the women it was like tumbleweeds blowing through the visiting floor. And I just didn't understand, especially coming from a community where women are the heads of a lot of households. These households are held together by women. The backbones of these families are women because a lot of the men are either gone or in prison for that matter, so seeing these women thrown away like trash just bothered me. Even as I'm going through this ordeal, I can see my children or my husband — there are these women around me who have it way worse. And statistics show women get harsher sentences than men for the same crimes committed. And seeing it firsthand was just really sad.

There's too much room for opinion in something that determines people's lives. One of the guys in the Bobby Shmurda GS9 case ended up with 117 years, and the headline said he was originally offered a 15 year plea deal that he rejected. Okay, I don't know what his case is, I don't know what he did, what was his charges, or whatever. The point that sticks out to me is if you offer me 15 years, how regardless of what happened at that trial do we end up at 117? How? That's life. This is what I be talking about. That doesn't make sense. If I commit a crime that warrants 15 years and you're willing to give me 15 years, that's it. There's no way after trail I should end up with 117 years. And I'm very passionate about it. Not just because I lived it but because I've seen it. When you're in there seven years you get to hear so many different stories, and it's disgusting the way this country operates off the prison system. We have the most people incarcerated out of every country in the entire world. Countries that have five and ten times as many people as we do have less people incarcerated. Why is that?

 “When you’re in prison, they do a go-around every hour in the middle of the night, just to make sure that everyone is alive. And I still wake up now. I do not sleep through the whole night.”

What do you think it's going to take to fix the system? Is it even possible?

The first thing has to be the deprivatization. We have to end the private prison system. If you have something that is ran for a profit, and I invest 10 million into a prison, I'm not going to make any money off that prison if I don't have any prisoners in it. That creates a motive to incarcerate people. That's one thing.

The second thing: there are certain rules where once you have a felony or you're on parole or anything like that you can't vote. What does me being on parole have to do with voting? If you're in prison, you can't vote. If you're in prison, your right to vote has been revoked. But these are the people that are making the laws. I can't vote and these are the people that are making the laws that effect my life. If you have a felony, you can run for certain offices, you can't have certain jobs. You can't own certain businesses. And when you look at the majority of people in prisons, they're minorities. So who is this really stopping from voting? Who is this really keeping out of certain jobs? So there's so much that has to be changed, and I don't even know where we have to begin because they all go hand-in-hand. This system has to be attacked on so many different levels through so many different outlets just to get it right.

And it can't be, Oh, if you did this crime, you get anywhere from 5-25 years. Five years and 25 years is a big difference. I know that if I do something and I get five years for it and somebody else does it and they get a year, I'm going to feel some type of way. The guidelines are too large. They've done an excellent job sabotaging things.

So much of it is racially motivated, too.

Absolutely. It's racially motivated. It's financially motivated. You can be the wrong color, but if you have the right amount of money at the right time you might be good. If you get caught in an election year, it's over for you. That's kind of what happened to me. So they had to act like they were cracking down on crime and all this stuff. It's crazy because I can count numerous times I went to court and it'd be me, Ja Rule, Busta Rhymes, Lil Wayne, like literally we all would have court on the exact same day. That's no coincidence. We get there and the news outlets would be there, TMZ would be there, the [New York] Daily News and every one of us ended up doing time except Busta, he got a crazy fine. Ja got a couple of years, Wayne got a year, and I ended up with the most. It was just a bad time to be doing anything at that time, and that's how it is sometimes.

There's actually a line from "Dreaming" on the new record where you say something like "Used to be in a cell dreaming of home/ Now I'm at home dreaming of a cell." That's one of my favorite lines from the record. Can you talk about the idea behind that?

It's crazy because I would be in jail and I would have dreams that I was home. They would be so real and so vivid, and I would wake up and be in this stinking-ass cell. I would literally start crying because that's how real it would get, and I wanted to go home so bad. And now that I'm home, finally after all of these years, I spent so much time there that it haunts me. I have dreams — while I'm in bed with my husband, my son and my daughter in the next room and I just finished performing or whatever is going on — and I will have nightmares that I'm in jail, and they seem just as real as the dreams would feel when I was in jail. I have dreams that I'm still in prison and it's horrible. You would think that it makes sense to be in prison and you dream that you're home, but I never thought for a second that I would be home and still seeing that place.

When you're in prison, they do a go-around every hour in the middle of the night — an officer on duty goes around just to make sure that everyone is alive. At 5 a.m. they do what's called a live body count where you actually have to move. So, whenever they would walk around every hour it would wake me up. And I still wake up. I literally wake up almost every hour now. I do not sleep through the whole night.

Prison affects everything. That's why me even sitting here sitting here talking to you and being able to be successful and take care of my family — that's not normal. Like, I know that I am super blessed and God has shined some other type of light on me. All of the people I know — like some of them haven't even did half the time I did — they aren't doing good. You can't get a job. Everywhere you go you're labeled this felon. And you have to put it on there, and if you don't put it on there when they find out, you get fired. You can't get a new place to live because that's a question that they ask on your housing application. And in many cases whatever support system you had is gone. It's just like starting from scratch but with all these strikes against you.

“Prison affects everything. That’s why me even sitting here sitting here talking to you and being able to be successful and take care of my family — that’s not normal.”

Last year, you said you had a solo album that was coming out called Seven Winters and Six Summers, and that it had writing from your time in prison. Is that still happening? What can we expect from that release?

The title is still Seven Winters and Six Summers. That's exactly the time that I was gone. I would count my time where my window was. Where my cell was you could always see the trees. So when the trees were bare, I'd be like, just five more times I gotta see these leaves blow off the trees, five more winters and I can go home.

I wrote when I was there, and when I let certain people hear it they'd be like, "You gotta put this out." But I wanted to keep it so I could go to that place. Like, I can never write from that place again. You literally have to be there to do that.

All of the raps for the collab with Joe were written in the studio. That's usually what I do. I'll wait until the day I'm in the studio, even if I have the beat for a month. If have it that long and I write that long ahead of time, I'm going to change it a thousand times. So, I usually just go right in a write it that day. But with this project, for one, it's going to be my sophomore album, and two, it's talking about something that it's very important to me to get it right. So, I wanted to be able to keep these thoughts.

There's a wave that you're on when you're away. You start appreciating the people in your life and reflecting on the hardships in your life. You realize all the things that could've been or may not have been. You have so much time to think. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't smoking. I had all this time to myself and it's the most clear your brain can ever be. There's no way I could ever try to duplicate the feeling that I had in there. It was the same way when I was inside: I couldn't write rhymes about being out. I wouldn't have been able to write "All the Way Up" when I was in prison. You just don't feel like that. You feel like shit. People would be like, "I know you in there writing something crazy." And I'm just like, what? First of all, you don't have all this free time. Second of all, you feel horrible. It is the worst mind-state to ever be in. There's no creativity in there. You're drained.

If you could go back, knowing what you know now, and tell '06 Remy anything, what would you tell her now?

You know what. I would just tell her treat your music and your career like your job. I'd treat it like a job. Then it was just like fun. And I tell this to any artist that I meet that hasn't really been through anything like that. I tell them, "This is your job." If you worked at a office — a blue collar job — would you bring all of your friends and your family members to hang out in the break room? Would they come to your office parties? No. Only the people that work there go. That's what I would do. I would definitely tell her to take this serious. This is not for everybody. You can't try to give your blessing to somebody else. Only God can give a blessing.

This article was written by Sheldon Pearce and published in Fader Magazine.