#i will be done it next week anyways tho i have a trip the wednesday and I'll be back monday morning ksjfksk

[rui-drawsbox]

Comm for @ FugenSweets!

[ironmandeficiency]

that’s not a shirt

pairing: marcus pike / reader

word count: 1584

summary: marcus comes home from work & finds the strangest thing in the laundry.

a/n: for @autumnleaves1991-blog and her wednesday writing challenge! writing domestic marcus pike is my therapy. unbeta’d and posted from mobile (honestly my laptop is becoming less convenient to post from even tho posting fic on tumblr is literally the reason i bought it last year)

three long, miserable weeks. that’s how long marcus has been out of town for a case that had him jetting all across the country, far away from you and your comfortable bed. he’s almost never at the apartment he pays rent for every month. most of his clothes and his favorite pillow are at your place, and the small quilt his grandmother sewed decades ago is draped over the back of your couch. in everything but name, he lived with you.

when he entered your apartment with his key, he took note of the fact you weren’t there and got set to cleaning up a bit. work leaves you exhausted more often than not and he doesn’t want to leave everything undone for you to worry about when you get home.

upon first glance, he could see the laundry was half done. a heaping load of clean clothes was in the hamper in front of the dryer and there were wet clothes in the open washer. when he looked further, there was also a load in the dryer, which told him that you stayed up late to get things done then fell asleep on the couch waiting for the dryer to finish. with a fond smile, he started the dryer for a few minutes to get wrinkles out of what’s in there. when those are done, he can get what’s in the hamper unwrinkled and hung and folded.

dinner was next on the to-do list. something nourishing to welcome you home after a long day but simple enough to do while catching up the clothes: spaghetti. there’s something about his mom’s recipe for the sauce that makes his spaghetti absolutely heavenly — your words, not his — and he can’t wait to see your reaction to having marcus home two days earlier than planned along with his best dish.

in the time it takes him to get the sauce cooking and the water boiling on the stove, the dryer announces that it’s finished with the first load. he hums as he folds the bath towels and dish rags without a care in the world, making the trip to stow them in the bathroom cabinet with a spring to his step.

checks the sauce for flavor and consistency before putting the second load of wrinkled clothes in the dryer, finding it needs just a smidge more rosemary before it can be left to simmer. picks another sprig from the plant you keep on the windowsill and cuts the leaves very fine before sprinkling them in with a flick of his wrist.

satisfied with his efforts, he turns back to the laundry. he dutifully empties the lint filter (you’re adamant on emptying it after every load and the trait passed onto him) before he begins to grab things to toss into the dryer. about a third of the way through the basket, his hand grabbed onto something weirdly solid and plump.

“mroww!”

last marcus checked, shirts don’t make noises like that. he tore his gaze from the inside of the dryer to the hamper to find a grey and white kitten lounging in the hamper. the little thing was nudging his hand with their head, clearly wanting the attention of the man slowly depleting its bed. he was perplexed. you didn’t have a cat when he was last here, but there was one seeming to be perfectly content in making itself at home in your apartment.

“where did you come from?” he knew the cat wasn’t going to give him a coherent answer but he felt the need to voice his confusion anyway. the first thing to do now: check to see if it’s male or female. it’s a female, looks to be about three months old and is perfectly content with being handled by marcus.

marcus can’t recall the last time he had a pet. with him being too busy with work, he never thought it would be fair to a pet to have an owner constantly gone. he didn’t have enough stability in the past with where he lived and didn’t want to only be a half ass pet parent. the past several months, however, have been nothing but stable. not counting the seldom out of town cases, he goes to work in the morning and comes home to you in the evening, and he rinses and repeats as needed. maybe this kitten is the perfect prelude to taking the next big step in his relationship with you.

for now though, marcus doesn’t let himself get carried away with his daydreams about living with you full time. he’s got laundry to finish and dinner to cook, and now he has a sous chef to accompany him. he holds the kitten to his chest, scratching her chin with a hooked finger and melting at the way she looks up as if telling him to keep going. “alright sweet girl, let’s finish up dinner.” a soft “mrrow!” is her reply and it makes marcus huff a quiet laugh.

dinner is completed with marcus using one less hand than normal, his sous chef being fabulous company. the few times he had to use both hands, his feline friend perched on his shoulder (which he thought was the best thing ever) and waited to be held again. however this cat got here, marcus didn’t know; the one thing he did know is that it wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

the front door was unlocked when you came home and you knew with absolute certainty that you locked it before you left. your walmart bags filled with cat supplies were immediately dropped to the hallway floor as you began to inspect your front door and the area around it. marcus taught you how to spot the basic signs of forced entry (like the protective sweetheart he is) and when none of them were there, you cautiously entered your apartment, mace in hand.

the adrenaline washed away when you spotted your loving boyfriend in the kitchen, gently bobbing his head along to whatever music he had playing. one hand was stirring a pot on the stove while the other was plenty preoccupied with the kitten. shit, you forgot to warn him about the kitten before he got home!

this was the last thing you thought would be here to greet you, but it was a very welcome sight; the feline was finicky and marcus wasn’t due home for another few days, a double whammy. “i see you’ve met the kitten.” you’re honestly just thankful he didn’t get upset about the little thing. neither of you have talked about pets or whatever your living situation is becoming, so the way he seems so taken with the kitten is a sign pointing in a great direction.

when he hears your voice, marcus visibly lights up. “hi honey!” the hand with the spoon immediately drops the wooden utensil into the pot and waves at you happily. “this is my sous chef, say hello, pasta!” he grabs one of her little paws and waves it at you before resuming his stirring, a beaming smile on his face.

did he really just name the cat pasta? and how in the world is she so calm with him right now?

you found the kitten, now known as pasta, huddled in a cardboard box beside a gas station dumpster headed home from work. she was mewling her little head off back there and you were lucky enough to hear her. taking her and her box, your list of things to do was thrown out the window as you rushed her to the vet. they cleaned her up real good and schedule her vaccinations, and sent you home with a list of supplies to buy and advice on how to take care of the little thing.

she was pissed at you after the vet trip. didn’t let you pet or hold her unless she was in the mood for it and if you tried to pick her up otherwise, she would scatter and give you a glare from a safe distance away. but here was marcus holding her like a baby, and the little brat was eating it up! to be fair, you were the same way with marcus when he was being affectionate so you didn’t completely blame her.

“why pasta?” you knew that cats were more likely than dogs to have strange names. you just didn’t think your boyfriend would be the type to give a cat a name like pasta. at that rate, you might as well name a dog goose and call it a day.

he smiles at the furball, giving her a few affectionate pets while he talks. “i was cooking spaghetti when i found her in the laundry hamper, and then i noticed a little spot right on her hip that looks like penne. i couldn’t choose between the two so i went for the middle ground. is that okay with you? or did she have another-”

“marcus, i love it.” and you really do; that sentimental dork just made you love the name pasta with nothing but two sentences. “and honestly, i’ve just been rotating between baby girl, squeak toy, and dumbass since i found her the day before yesterday.”

he scratches pasta under her chin as he laughs at the thought of you calling his sous chef a dumbass. “pasta is not a dumbass! you tell ‘em sweetheart, tell them how smart you are!”

“mroww!”

“see? she’ll be the next einstein.”

marcus pike taglist: @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @obirain @themarcusmoreno @catsnkooks @torradoza @stardustsunrisekisses @darthadeline @max--phillips @jedi-mando @darklingveracruz @andysficrecs @pedropasscals @qhbr2013 @seasonschange-butpeopledont @greeneyedblondie44 @princess76179 @kaermorons @lv7867 @whovianwar @purelypascal

[mao-s-mess]

Graduation ~Yoosung x MC fanfiction~

Yoosung Kim is only a month away to taking his finals exam in SKY University but MC starts acting suspicious during such a critical moment

Also on Fanfiction.net

Graduation Yoosung x MC fanfiction Disclaimer: All Mystic Messenger characters belong to Cheritz I didn't describe MC in detail so it could be any of the 5 MCs or your very custom ones! "MC! Come on!" a boy in his early 20s with bleached blonde hair and purple-coloured hair whined with a face of disappointment.

"No 'buts'. Your parents and sister also agree this is for the best. It is after all your finals." his girlfriend, MC; said sternly as she toss a bunch of the blonde's clothes into a luggage bag that was laid out on his bed.

Yoosung Kim crossed him arms and frowned at his girlfriend as she busily goes through his wardrobe.

In about a month's time, he will be seating for his final year examination in Veterinary medicine and what has been suggested and pretty much decided for him is that he and MC will be switching houses for the next month.

"Look, when you get pressured or stressed you tend to distract or 'de-stress' yourself with sleep or LOLOL or you start stress cooking. You're too comfortable in your own home so staying at mine where there's nothing much to do will be the best for you"

She was reaching for the last drawer when he frantically ran over and held it shut with his hands.

"I'll pack my underwear myself thank you!" he insisted as his ears and cheeks turned red.

MC raised her hands and backed away from his cabinet as he selected his underwear to pack.

"I know that's where you keep your por-"

"What?"

"I- i said don't forget to pack your SOCKS."

He nodded and threw in a few pairs of socks into the luggage looking very annoyed. His breathing was irregular; deep huffs but elongated exhales, a habit he has when he wants to say something but haven't found the words yet.

As much as MC found this habit of his adorable she had to stay serious. She knew oh so well he hated things planned out for him without his knowledge or approval but the exam stress has already gotten to him and it was only a matter of time before he has a breakdown and turns to his "can't be bothered" persona.

She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms across his torso; she felt his body tensing up as she did so. She didn't need to see his face to know he was blushing at her sudden action. She smiled as she buried her face into his back.

"MC?!" he flustered waiting for a response. When he recovered from the surprise hug, he placed his own hands over hers. He could feel her breath against his back as he looked down at her arms around him.

She wasn't that much older than him and just finished her university course shortly before she stumbled upon the RFA.

When MC came into the picture, it was probably the worst time for him; he was blinded from his grief of losing Rika, major hatred towards V, was lost with his directions in life as well as had difficulty handling his emotions but she accepted all that of him and even more; she helped him out of that phase in his life.

It has been about 2 years after the incident where he lost sight in his left eye at the hands of the hacker who called himself Unknown but the two have been inseparable since the party where he proclaimed his love and kissed her then and there.

It certainly wasn't an easy relationship being Yoosung's first and he had a rather fairytale concept and expectations of how a relationship should be. He realized the hard way that you either have to be seriously rich, like Jumin Han to pull a lot of things off or have magic and he had neither.

As for MC, it was a major test of patience and constant game of reassuring for Yoosung. She didn't have a relationship as serious as this before but both of them have managed to worked things out together even though they quarreled here and there.

"I just want what's best for you.." her voice muffled from burying her face into his back.

"Okay.." he responded in a defeated tone.

He turned around to give her a kiss on the forehead, when they first dated, he wasn't that much taller than her but he started participating in some sports and also joining Zen on some runs in the park outside Zen's place so he grew a bit, definitely more physical activity than when he was just playing LOLOL when he wasn't eating or at Uni.

"You're doing this because I'm important to you right?" he said with a small smile as he placed her palm against his cheek.

"You're number 1 to me!" she flashed the smile that he loves so very much.

"Meowww~"

Lisa, the cat they adopted together from Jumin 2 years ago nuzzled up against Yoosung's leg.

MC bend down to pick up Lisa to cradle her.

"Lisa's a close second tho, we're both rooting for you!"

Yoosung scratched Lisa behind her ear as she purred.

"Okay fine... I'll do it. I'll spend a month in your place for the finals... Thank you for thinking about me."

"Thank you! I've already asked Seven to help with your LOLOL. Either he plays your account or he'll assign a bot to it"

"A BOT?! I don't want to get banned! I'm currently number 1! I've only managed to beat Seven because he's always away on assignments now"

"Banned? Please. This is Luciel we're talking about. How bold of you to think he'll screw this up, this is a walk in the park for him."

"...Fine... i have lots of important gears there you know..."

"I know how much LOLOL is important to you. It was number 1 for you before I came along ;p " she said cheekily as she looked around for more things to pack.

"Okay okay.. can we have dinner and dates at times?"

"Yes of course! We'll play by ear as usual around your schedule"

"Okay.. how about next week, Wednesday then? I'm free the whole day"

MC froze up.

...?

"Uhm.. next Wednesday.. is no good... I have a meeting with Jaehee about uhm some part time event work thingy"

There it was. A habit Yoosung knows very well.

MC can't hide secrets or tell lies very well. On the Messenger and texts it's not so much of a problem. It's the face to face and phone calls that gives it away, she'll start to avoid eye contact and stutter.

"What are you hiding?"

"NO-NOTHING!" she waved her hands furiously as she went to grab more shirts from Yoosung's cupboard.

"I just have a meeting planned with Jaehee that is all! About some part time work thingy-YEA!"

Yoosung's brows scrunches up.

"And that's the reason you want me to bug her phone?" A boy not that much older than Yoosung with bright reddish orange hair and amber-coloured eyes asked with raised eyebrow.

Luciel Choi aka 707 was the RFA's secret agent/hacker/nonsense maker. He has a love for fast cars, cats, honey buddha chips and dr pepper. Yoosung came over (after a few attempts of trying to decipher Seven's security system) because MC hasn't revealed any plans on her day with Jaehee and that just made even more suspicious especially since her fabrication details keep changing.

First it was a meeting then it was a shopping trip and then it was a Zen fanclub related outing and then she said she was meeting family.

"She's not telling me anything. She usually does in the end"

"Maybe she's trying to keep something from you"

"We're not suppose to keep secrets! It's bugging me so yes that's why i want you to bug her phone so I can find out. What if she's not meeting Jaehee, what if- what if-"

Seven slapped a packed of Honey Buddha Chips across Yoosung's face (semi lightly) as he had chips in his own mouth, shaped like a duck.

"You realized this is MC. The woman who put up with your emotional ass even after you keep comparing her to Rika. If she didn't abandon you then, what makes you think she'll abandon you now"

Yoosung bit his lips. He knew Seven was right, words stung but he was definitely right. MC cheating on him would be the last thing she'd ever do. He felt bad doubting her for that option.

"I still want to know what she's hiding from me though"

"Ugh. You'll never leave until you get something anyway. So what's in it for me"

"That LOLOL limited edition gacha item you couldn't get because the event happened when you went incognito 2 months ago."

Seven's mouth opened and his duck chips fell out.

"WHAT... ARE YOU SERIOUS. PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY AUCTIONING THAT OFF FOR REAL MONEY"

"You can have it. I also got the rare one too"

Seven did an impression of Edvard Munch's The Scream. He was that much in shock.

"If i take it i can sell it for real money too?"

"Do whatever you want with it"

"Even to buy new accessories for my babies?"

"Wait-can it be auctioned off that much?"

"NO TAKE BACKS. Do we have a deal? Your LOLOL rare item for an all access day pass to MC's phone"

"Do it."

"YAHOO~ LET'S DO IT THEN" he swiveled around on his chair to face his monitors and starting tapping away at the keyboard.

"Tapping into her GPS location... Done.. She's at a cafe not too far off from the C&R building.. Let me just pull up one of the security camera feed and... THERE. "

Yoosung leaned over towards the monitor and sure enough there was MC.

"OHMYGOSH WHO IS THAT A HOT GUY SHE'S WITH" Seven exclaimed.

Yoosung heart leaped and started panicking as he scanned the monitor in depth.

"Oh. LOL. My bad. That's just Jaehee. 8D "

It was Yoosung's turn to slap Seven with the Honey Buddha Chips packet across the face; sure enough MC was with another RFA member, Jaehee Kang; personal assistant to Jumin Han.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

The two girls seems to be chattering away happily when MC's face turned serious as she put her cup of coffee down.

"Can we listen in on them" Yoosung asked as he tries to read their lips but failing.

"Okay okay..." Seven said as he starting clicking away at the keyboard again.

Some feedback could be heard on the speaker when MC and Jaehee's voice came on.

---

Jaehee: So what was it you wanted to talk about? And why are we keeping a secret about this from Yoosung?

MC: Well... cos it's embarrassing really..

Jaehee: Embarrassing? With how you two are always at each other, showering cringe-worthy compliments and texts? How can anything be embarrassing?

MC: Heehee...

MC clapped both her hands together suddenly in a pleading manner.

MC: JAEHEE TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE PLEASE

Jaehee: What. Why me. And Yoosung learned how to brew coffee from his coffee club, wouldn't that be better?

MC: But you have more in depth info on it.. You are passionate about the beans and the roast.

Jaehee: A month ago you asked Mr. Han for a private cooking session with his chef. Then you were looking around for some classes on baking.. Now coffee from me? What's going on.

MC fidgeted and looked down, her face turning red.

MC: Well... I'm trying to be a good girlfriend for Yoosung.

Jaehee: I don't understand, aren't you already a good one? He can't stop raving about you.

MC: To be honest, he doesn't show it but he's doing most in the relationship. He'll insist on cooking and he's always trying out new recipes, he also insists on being the one paying for dates even though he isn't working yet, he saves up a lot for our dates. I try to help but his ego won't allow me to take some of that burden away, he believes as the man in the relationship, he's got duties to fulfill.

At this point a warm smile came across her face.

MC: He's giving his all to become a vet when he didn't have any motivation or purpose before; medical isn't an easy line and he's working extra hard because of his left eye injury too and he'll be so busy soon getting that license and practical and all.. I don't know...

MC blushes as she took another sip of her drink before she continued

MC: I just... I want to do more than just offer words of support to him. I want to support him as much as I can even something as little as cooking for him or preparing a cup of coffee when he needs it. I'll be looking for work soon so that I don't seem like a bum that is leeching off him.. So at least I can help our wit the groceries or bills and transport fees and all.. And probably save up for trips for when he gets a break and stuff... I just... I just want to do more for him you know?

Jaehee gave a small giggle as she slid her fork through the slice of cake in front of her.

Jaehee: You're really something.. Always having such a positive attitude towards the face of change. Or danger.

Jaehee shuddered at the memory.

Jaehee: I hope that bomb is finally removed.

MC and Jaehee laughed at that remark as they continued on.

---

Back at Seven's headquarters (?), Yoosung stood stunned at the conversation he just eavesdropped on.

After a while, tears welled up in his eyes and he turned furiously red in the face.

"Whoa. You're as red as my hair" Seven said as he grabbed his phone to snap a photo of Yoosung's crying face.

"You-you meanie. Whydyouhabtotakeapicturofme"

"Can't understand you. SELFIE" He grabbed Yoosung by the shoulder and snapped another photo before he ruffled up Yoosung's bleached hair.

"You realize how frickin' blessed you are now? Now go and study hard for that examination of yours. If not for Rika, If not for yourself then make it for your future with her."

Yoosung rubbed his eyes with the sleeves of his beloved hoodie. Another renewed resolution for himself.

Half a year later the RFA gathered at Yoosung's graduation ceremony at SKY university

"To think that kid didn't bothered with uni in the beginning, I didn't even know he was taking a course like veterinary" Zen said as he occasionally stopped to smile and wave at some female fans. His career as a musical artist soared beyond the stage and onto television in the past few years. That also meant more fans.

"Well he did it for Rika at first because of Sally..." V stated as he was adjusting the settings on his camera to ensure he doesn't miss any shots of Yoosung. Much to persistence of his fellow RFA members, he managed to receive an operation on his right eye to stop him from going blind. He slowly started to take photographs again.

"He always did perform better if it's for someone else but it is rather surprising that he graduated at the top of his class and is chosen as the valedictorian." Jaehee said as she scanned through the graduation event schedule.

"He worked really really hard! His parents and sister are in the front, i saw them just now. They're so so proud!" MC said proudly.

"Indeed he did, his results were so superb it caught wind from one of our medical panel and they've offered him a position in one of our hospitals to undergo private practice so his future is secured as of now" Jumin Han spoke in his usual tone of voice. "I did not even need to put in any word of recommendation."

"I managed to retrieve my number 1 spot in LOLOL again because of this, he stopped religiously for the past few months" Seven said as he took a sip from a can of Dr. Pepper.

"It was nice of him to invite all of us. I know 2 tickets were allocated but you can purchase additional tickets for everyone else." Zen said as he posed for some girls who were trying to sneak a photo of him.

"Oh i paid for it. C&R is a major sponsor for the graduation, which is why we have such good and somewhat private seating" Jumin stated as he adjusted his cuff links.

"Tch. You just had to ruin it" Zen glared at the trust fund kid. Their relationship, as usual; have seen better days.

"I think it's great we're all here though" MC said happily.

"Yea, Jaehee and I weren't there for his high school one and we got to make sure we get proper smiling one for today!" Seven said with determination.

"Oh, it's starting" V said as he readied his camera, he brought his best zoom lens for this as the crowd quieted down.

Professors and head of programmes gave their welcome speeches before the calling of graduates, there were a lot of names being called out. The RFA cheered and clapped loudly when Yoosung's name was read out.

Yoosung walked proudly onto stage as he tipped his graduation cap to the head of programme upon receiving his degree and posing for a picture. A proud moment for him and those who were there for him. They all waited for the rest of the graduates to receive their degrees before Yoosung was called to stage to deliver the valedictorian speech.

"An-nyŏng-ha-se-yo! My name is Yoosung Kim and I am honoured to be delivering the Valedictorian speech this year."

A round of applause roared across the hall as the his Amethyst eyes scanned the crowd for the RFA and his beloved.

"It's really an honour because I wasn't always a model student. Well I was in high school but something happened that made me not take the first 2 years of university seriously."

"You see, I failed my exams and sometimes I'd fall asleep in class. I'd forget days where there are quizzes and had almost no motivation to come to class, I would often skip classes to play LOLOL."

"However, there were people who did not give up on me and I am thankful that I was given another chance to pick myself up. I knew I had to put in the extra effort as I wasted the first two years despite having an accident that caused me to lose sight, literally; in my left eye. It wasn't easy that is for sure but because of this 2nd chance, I did the best I could in all classes and I guess it showed with my results and also the fact that I was chosen as the Valedictorian. "

"What I'm trying to say is, sometimes in life we'll get lost and we don't perform our best, we fall and fail and when that happens, it feels like you're surrounded by darkness but I know of a saying, "Fall seven times, get up eight". There is a light in all of us, sometimes you'll find it yourself but most times you are assisted by outsiders to help you realise your potential. I have friends and family inside and outside the uni that had my back, professors who saw my efforts in getting better helping me out and most of all, I have a wonderful and supportive girlfriend that stood by my side and I'm really thankful for that. It was because of her that I felt that i could do anything and everything I set my heart into."

"This kind of feels déjà vu-ish" Zen said as he listened intently to Yoosung's speech.

"SKY University never gave up on their students and i am proof of that. So fellow students and friends, we tip our hats to our Professors, to our family and friends that have supported us but most of all, give yourself a pat on the back because we made it!"

He ended his speech with a word of congratulations to the students and wishing them the best in their future before walking off the stage with a round of applause tailing him. As soon as he got off the stage he nodded to his family before running off to meet the members of the RFA.

He was congratulated by every member but his eyes were fixated on MC.

"Congratulations on graduating!" MC said as she threw her arms around him when she had the chance to.

Yoosung blushed and gave a cheeky grin.

"Who'd have thought I'd be chosen to deliver that speech!"

"Not us" said almost all of the RFA in unison in less than a split second.

"YOU GUYS ARE MEAN!" Yoosung said with a puffed up cheek before breaking into laughter with the rest of the RFA.

"I'd like to personally thank every one of you for being here and for never giving up on me when I wasn't bothered with uni."

Then he turned to MC

"Most of all, thank YOU for coming into my life and blessing me with all of you. I graduated from uni but I feel like I have also graduated from my old self with the end of this chapter in my life. It's time to move on with the next chapter and I feel like I can take anything on as long as you are by my side. "

"So..."

He held her hand when he suddenly kneel down on one knee to everyone's surprise and took out a small box from underneath his robe and opened it to reveal a ring.

"MC, will you please marry me and make me an even happier person than I thought I could ever be?"

THE END

[anaithya]

2018, etc

2018 was one hell of a ride.

I spent the NYE working on thesis proposal with my best friends A & G at G’s home. It was tense, since the deadline was close but none of us was even halfway through. At midnight we took a break and walked to Bundaran HI to join the crowd and watch fireworks. We had a bit of fun, grabbed some food in the nearest McD, talked all the way back, and prayed for our hopes and dreams for the year, before finally continue to work. 

We had our common goal: to graduate. Little did we know it will took a long, winding road before we finally reach one.

January was fine. IECOM was successful, despite me being a zombie for several days. It might not be perfect but I’m very proud of what my team has done. There were unexpected things happened in D-Day but we handled them well. It feels so nice to see people work together--voluntarily put their time, mind, and energy to make the plan come true. We did our best and that’s what mattered. 

Two days after IECOM, batch 2014 went to field trip in Malang and Bali. Having too caught up with IECOM, my friends and I planned our extended trip on the bus lol (I wrote about it here). It was reaaal fun! I liked how chill we all were, stopped for a moment not thinking about thesis or our routine anxieties, living the moment we were in. Thank you crew #gogotrip.

But the chaos was waiting for me. From then on, I was drained working on my thesis. Thesis was like the epitome of my uni life: crappy and messed up. Full of regret and wrong decisions. Perfectly summed it up! I thought I planned everything perfectly, but then Murphy Law happened. I remember panicking when things were still uncertain. I overthinked a lot, I was desperate and felt so clueless on April, but things began to unfold in May. In early July, I was finally certain in what I had to do. But still not sure whether I could make it or not in October. The pressure was even higher after you see your own friends graduating. 

Whole September I couldn’t manage to do anything but working on my thesis. The month slipped perfectly from my life, I barely remember anything but me sitting in my computer, whether looking on Word, Excel, or Lingo. I remember staying up all night in the then-newly-opened coffee shop until 2 in the morning with my friend N (we’ve been there for hours), working on our thesis, too tired to talk to each other. Then we do the same thing in the day, only in our lab, and there will be our other friends. On repeat, for days. 

On Tuesday, 25th, I finally did my thesis defense. Got an A, with extremely minor revision. Happiest day of the year. Took a day off on Wednesday, printed the final draft Thursday, got my supervisor’s signature, submitted it to the library, and signed up for October graduation on Friday. 

Took two companies, months of hustles and hurdles, loads of papers, countess lingo solving, and series of sleepless nights to finally did it. And also a great supervisor. I couldn’t thank my supervisor enough for all the help that he gave me. If it wasn’t him, I don’t know if i can still manage to graduate in October.

In between the mess, with the thought that I need a break, I signed up for HPAIR conference. After two essays and an online interview, I got accepted! So for a full week in August I went to KL. It’s been a long time since I visit KL, and it was my first time participating in an international event like that. (one bucket list checked!). The conference was lit with the intriguing theme and notable speakers. I made new friends and tried superb food in town.

I also got the chance to participate in Maybank Impact Challenge, which I think the most interesting part of the conference. It was modelled upon Maybank Go Ahead Challenge. We were divided in teams, and the members came from different backgrounds and nationalities. In the span of 6 hours I had to make a country development plan, played board game, took the role as a COO in an engineering company, cracked codes and analyzed financial statements, ran for 1-2 km?--wearing a smart casual attire--from Sunway Uni to a bowling alley in Sunway Pyramid, pitched my company to investor WHILE playing bowling, ran back to the Uni, and took the role as management in company-in-crisis. Too much for a day, eh? It was crazy but I got to learn a lot: 1) How to work under pressure 2) How to work with strangers, especially with a very dominating person 3) How to estimate and make up numbers that still make sense 4) How to do impromptu speech.

(I also signed up for IELTS and Germany course. The courses were so refreshing since I love learning languages. I stopped showing up in September tho when the stakes on my thesis were high)

October 19 was my graduation day, and 20 was the parade. Bachelor of Science, I am now. I finally ended my university life. (another bucket list checked!)

The past four years was rough for me, especially in terms of my own ambition and personal development. To be honest, I hate my university life so much. I hate it to the point I don’t like to talk about it. About this class, about this exam, about this task, about this A B C, about this time when we had to do X.

If I could turn back the time I would definitely pick another major and another university. I hate how I didn’t work hard enough. I hate how I didn’t give my 100%. I hate how I DID work enough but still failing anyway. I hate how the world seemed so unfair. I hate how unprepared and unplanned I was. But what I hate the most is... I hate that I didn’t pursue for things I really like the most, because I was too scared. I hate how I wasn’t willing to take chances and chose the easy path. I hate how scared I was, to the future, to the what-ifs, to things that were actually in my head.

So messed up. So many wrong decisions. So many regrets.

Nonetheless, university life gave me valuable friends and... meaningful relationships! I really didn’t expect this from ITB back then, but yeah. The people I met were good ones. MTI ITB IS AWESOME!!! (at a certain period of time lol). I’m thankful that I found trusting, reliable friends that might not be 24/7 for me but surely make me laugh and make me feel much better when they’re around. It is my memories with them that I cherish the most.

Several days after graduation, I secured my first job (or not? I’m not permanent yet but nevermind), and started to work rightaway--in a company that I really admire. (bucket list checked once again!!!)

November and December were about adjustments. Adjusting myself back to Jakarta, coming back home after years of living alone. Adjusting to the new role that I take, as an employee. Adjusting to the new routine.

I also got two free concert tickets in November: Gun N Roses and Blackpink lol.

I spent the last day of the year with my high school friends in a friend’s house. Learned to play poker, chit chatted about life, reflected on how the year was for each of us. 

Calm and serene. 

Despite the sour, sour lemons, I learned a lot in 2018. 

Four years of desperation crafted this worrisome and pessimist attitude in me. Contrary after graduating high school, after uni graduation I feel like I have self-confidence issue and I feel like not knowing what I really want or what I have to do next. I am still clueless apparently. 

However, knowing the fact how terrible last year was, and I still survived after all gives me this weird strength to carry on. It gives some me kind of positivity and energy for 2019. 

I get this epiphany that... maybe life indeed sucks, it still has loadsss of lemons to be thrown at me. There will be more cancelled and altered plans, and there will be other twists, turns, and surprises. Nevertheless, I shall focus on things that I can control and let go the ones I can’t. I shall control my perception and reception towards what’s happening instead of letting it affect me. I shall not waste my energy panicking and thinking too much on things that don’t matter like I did last year (and throughout my uni life also). I shall let go of my fear and let loose, be less rigid.

I shall focus on me and my personal growth, also on people that matters. I want to regain my confidence and cut all the negativities that the past might have caused me. I need to reorganize my life and construct my future plans.

This year, I want to be chill like I was in Bali.

[trickstarbrave]

today in reasons i feel shitty: my friend blew up on me on twitter bc i kept ASKING him if he wanted to play dnd with us bc hes a part of our group. i asked him if he could LAST WEDNESDAY and he has been giving me the run around since then. saying “i dont know yet” and “ill tell you when i do”. i tell him to let us know sunday at least, because the only days off he has are monday and tuesday. he says okay

sunday evening comes and he hasnt said shit so i ask him. hes drunk and i tell him we’ll talk tomorrow. monday i ask him if he can play tomorrow and he says hes “not sure and will need to ask if theyre playing mtg” so i say “okay”. he doesnt reply back all day. TODAY i ask him if he wants to play today or not and he says “i have to pick up a court summons” (not, “actually sorry i am playing mtg today”, not “i dont feel like playing, im sorry”). i sound suspicious but say “okay” and remind him we havent played in over a week AS IS. and he then GOES OFF ON ME for “guilt tripping him” and “making it an ~obligation~ he plays” and how i “stress him out by asking over and over again”. when i tell him he should have told me straight out he didnt want to play instead of just giving vague “maybe i dont know” answers he gets defensive even more and says “I DID” and when i say “no, you didnt, the only thing vaguely like that is you saying “im gonna be tired” on a question about your days off. thats not a yes or no answer and lots of us play while tired so why would i assume it was something else” 

“WELL ITS NOT MY FAULT YOURE A BUNCH OF SADISTS WHO HAD TO TURN A FUN CASUAL GAME INTO A OBLIGATION WHERE YOU ALL ARE FORCED TO PLAY SICK OR TIRED! i cant even SAY i dont want to play because you all guilt trip me and get mad when i do.” 

see, he doesnt say “sorry guys my next days off will be full and im not up to it.” and apologize for keeping us waiting or giving us the go ahead to play without him (WEVE HAD THIS DISCUSSION BEFORE and PURPOSEFULLY made the game so if he doesnt want to play he can leave whenever so long as its not in the middle of a fucking mission. okay. its not like we just sit there doing nothing but complain if he cant play). he waits until the DAY OF OUR GAME to tell is he purposefully made plans on game night, no he cant change them, no he was absolutely always forced to do them right now during game time, and then get pissy when we all complain because we dont even have time to plan around him and have cleared out our evening for nothing and our time is wasted. 

he then keeps going on and on because apparently i was just supposed to know the words “im tired” and his vague answers like hes genuinely unsure about the state of tomorrow were him “actually” telling me he doesnt even want to play and i should have fucking caught on, he wanted to quit this game MONTHS ago. i was just supposed to know him being ‘busy’ was a ‘secret message’ that actually meant ‘just stop even asking me when i want to play a game and hang out with my friends! just stop inviting me in general! i dont like you or the game! its not fun and stresses me out and im LYING to you.” and we just all fucking ignore him and play without him and let him figure out we havent even been giving him the opportunity to join to play

which is so fucking. terrible. who would just assume “thats what you mean”???? like imagine if you WERENT doing this and actually were really busy and your friends just eventually stopped even inviting you to game night, only for you to check the group chat months later and find out they have been playing without you and having fun and didnt even bother inviting you to anything at all. you just find this out. and by the time you figure it out they might have done a lot stuff or played games YOU wanted to play and they arent going to go back and replay the stuff you missed bc they just assumed you were lying to their faces and it wouldnt matter anyways if you were there or not. how hurtful would that be? imagine if some of your friends did that to you, would you be HAPPY they did it??? 

keep in mind HE is the one who picked out the VERY NEXT MISSION WE”RE ABOUT TO DO so fucking sorry if we assumed “HEY HE PROBABLY WANTS TO PLAY IT. YKNOW THE MISSION HE FUCKING PICKED OUT. THE MISSION INVOLVING STUFF SPECIFICALLY FOR HIS CHARACTER” oh my fucking god. 

now i dont know the state of our group bc he yelled at me more and said he quit and deleted all his tweets and our dm is miserable and put the game on hiatus for 2 fucking weeks. i feel miserable too bc my friend has been lying to me and called me a guilt tripper and manipulative for reminding him hes stringing along 5 other people by not being fucking honest with us and said its OUR PROBLEM he cant be honest even though we structured the game so he can take MONTH long breaks if he needs to just give us the heads up. i told him he could quit once we got more than 3 players bc do you know how annoying it is to do a full campaign w only 2 characters playing???? bc one of the three dropped out??? i told him to just fucking play until then and he could quit for real and he went “but i DO wanna play : ( im just stressed!” 

well now ill just fucking believe every time he complains abt smth like “man i have to spend money on this thing” that means we’re just not hanging out like we planned. im not gonna ask him if hes actually going to the ren fest even tho the bed situation was taken care of bc i just assume now that he only brought up the bed to tell me hes not fucking going and to fuck off. im not making a costume for it either if my best friend doesnt go im just gonna stay home. 

i cant read the fucking air and he knows this. hes known me forever. he knows im ignorant and dont ‘get’ stuff like “if someone keeps canceling plans that means they want you to leave them the fuck alone and stop even inviting them or talking to them”. he knows im probably autistic and struggle with ‘unsaid” social cues like that and he just STILL does this and calls ME terrible for not ‘getting it’ and ‘forcing him’ to yell at me. im rtired.

[purple-hel]

I just had to spend pretty much every penny I had on a car rental for the next 3 days cos my apartment complex lied to me. (Details under read more.)

I've got $4 until payday now, which is August 12th, and may lose stuff from my pantry if I can't get it out of the apartment. (I might not have time, cos I can't take off work on this short notice.) And the only reason I even had the money for the car rental was that I'd been saving up to attend a dear friend's wedding which is this coming weekend, August 6th, and now I probably can't go, cos the gas is going to be like $125-$150 (1250 miles round trip), and I'd need a hotel for 2 nights.

If anyone wants to help mitigate this bullshit, maybe even make it so I can see my friend marry her sweetie of 16 years, my gfm is https://gofund.me/18d27573 and I'm PurpleHel on venmo&cashapp. Venmo or cashapp would be most helpful cos gfm has like a week lag. I also have zelle and will give the associated email to people privately.

So my apartment complex said last week that the bug treatment this Wednesday, August 3rd, was going to be low key, 20 minutes tops, and I could just put the cats in another room. Then told me today (August 1st) at 3:30pm it's a 'you gotta leave for 4 hours and anything in the apt has to be scrubbed after and pets shouldn't be brought in until it's aired out', and can't be rescheduled, so I gotta take as much as possible to storage so it doesn't get gassed, and I have to take me and the cats to a friend's all day Wednesday, cos I work from home.

And I can't take off work on such short notice, 3 people on our 8 person team are already off this week. So I had roughly 12 usable hours to get everything done from when I got the email : 6pm-midnight today, and 6pm-midnight tomorrow. I'm a spoonie, so don't dare purposely cut into my sleep, tho anxiety is doing it anyway. I busted my ass tonight, and will tomorrow as well, and I'm hoping to steal some time from work, but I have a half day one time project I can't postpone tomorrow morning, besides all my usual Tuesday stuff.

This was really like, the worst possible time. Next week I'd have had my car back, and only 1 person at work would be out so I could have taken the day off.

[engagedtobefree]

Understanding Scott

Wednesday - I have to talk to Steve in the morning about an order. I go in to ask him a question and I swear Scott has his glasses on again, but when I turn around to smile at him after I’m done talking to Steve, he took them off. He gives me a little smile and lifts his eyebrows up a few times like he always does with me. It’s one of his signature flirting moves. I’m happy he turned to look at me, but a bit saddened that he took his glasses off. He must be pretty insecure about having them on, but I think he looks wonderful in his glasses. The next time I see him in the day, he has his contacts back in.

During my lunch I go to his doorway to talk to him as usual. "No glasses today?" "Nah, the doctor said I only had to wear them for one day." He tells me I looked good in my glasses and I say he looks better in glasses than I do. He's still trying to redeem himself I guess. I start telling him about my week so far, how my package was not delivered and how it couldn’t be set up for re-delivery, so I went to the post office on my lunch and they told me it was at a different post office, then that post office told me the one I was just at has it. I told him how one time I had a package that wasn’t delivered, so I signed where they had written an X, and then they left another slip right next to that one and still did not deliver my shit. We both laugh and agree on hating post offices. I then tell him how I got a bird feeder to stick on glass so that Weasley can watch the birds (today was his 3rd birthday!), but how I didn’t consider the fact that my sliding glass door slide, so now I can only open the door halfway. Then I tell him how my mom won’t let me borrow her drill I need for my TV mount because she’ll forget I have it, and I’m like, Idk if she thinks I’m going to just run off with her drill??? Scott finds all of this pretty funny, as do I. This is a typical week in my life tho lol. I start saying how hot it is out, and Scott suggests I take my cardigan off when I go outside, but I’m like, “I’m only outside from the door to my car, so that’s kind of pointless.” When he mentioned me taking my cardigan off, he’s looking at my upper body. This is also like the 3rd time, all on different occasions, that he’s mentioned me taking it off. I start talking about the bird feeder again and Scott suggests I put it on my window, which I tell him I can’t do because I’m on the second floor, so it’s like 20 feet off the ground. He pauses and then says, “Yeah, but birds can fly up more than 20 feet.” I say, “Yeah, but I can’t!” at the same time he says, “Oh, wait”. We both start cracking up. He is just...so adorable. Then he suggests I move my screen and put the feeder on the other side of the door, but I mention how then I can’t open my door if I want to leave it open because there will be no screen there. I tell him, “You’re full of great suggestions” and he turns a little red and laughs. I’ve been drinking coconut water and aloe water, one or the other daily. I’ve never had the cocoa flavored coconut water and Scott mentions how he’s going to ShopRite on his lunch and he’ll pick me some up if they have any. (He doesn’t, and he tells me the next day that they didn’t have any coconut water except for the plain flavor, which I think everyone can agree is gross. The ShopRite by our work is really small). 

Later in the day, Joyce tells me that we are definitely moving upstairs. There’s absolutely no way it isn’t happening. When Scott gets his tea not long after this conversation, I tell him about it. His initial reaction is that he’s surprised by it and pretty bummed. I tell him I’ll still come and talk to him on my lunches and he smiles and says, “Yeah, you definitely should.” A little bit later in our conversation he says he’ll come up to see me and I tell him that I’d like that. I’m standing right next to him since I was blocking other people from the printer when I was standing next to it. It’s hard for me to stand this close to him because I want nothing more than to be affection with this man. He then gestures to his office and my cubicle while saying, “But I’m right here, and you’re right there.” I respond with, “I know, I like being right next to you.” We are both obviously not happy with this move, and we are both showing it to each other. It doesn’t fully hit me this day, but now I know what the move really, fully entails. No more greeting Scott at the printer in the mornings. No more of us walking in and out of our work spaces somehow at the exact same time. No more of me walking by his office and smiling at him as I go in and out of the warehouse. No more of me passing by his office if I was down the hall heating my tea or doing whatever. No more of me popping out of my cubicle when he’s making tea. No more of us just randomly crossing paths throughout the day. No more of me just having to walk 10 feet over to go into his office. No more of us walking out and leaving together. It fucking sucks how there’s only a few weeks tops that’s left for these moments. I want to make as many more as possible while there is still time left to. I know what all of this has meant to me. In my mind, it’s always “There’s Scott” and it’s a little surge of happiness in my work day. And now I’m really beginning to think that it all means something to him too: to see me standing there waiting for him in the mornings, always happy just to see him for a few seconds; him standing at the coffee machine, watching and anticipating the moment when I’m gonna come walking out of my cubicle; me walking by his office, just so that I can see him and smile at him. For him, those spaces are still going to be there, but I won’t be. For me at least, it’s a whole new space where time with Scott has not been spent, but for him, it’s going to be an emptiness. This makes me so sad, like no one could even know. I kinda want to cry about it honestly. If I miss Scott, which now at some point during the day I always do, there will be nothing I can do about it. I will just have to deal with it. (I even miss him on the weekends now too). Even if I can’t talk to him, just seeing him is enough to make me feel better. It’s not the same as talking to him, but it’s something at least. Now, a majority of my only interactions with him will be planned talking sessions, and how long could those even be? During my lunch, I get 10-20 minutes with him. That’s all I’ll be getting in the future now, out of the entire work day? Yeah, he can come up to talk to me, but for how long? And what about the end of the work day, would I still be able to make it so I can go downstairs and talk to him? Scott asks me how long the other people are going to be here, and I tell him 3 years. His facial reaction tells me he was not expecting this answer. He was probably thinking more along the lines of a short project, and that I’ll be bale to move back down once it’s over. There’s no point in either of us even hoping that I’ll get my space back. I tell him I don’t like any of these people already because they’re taking my spot. I hope whoever takes my cubicle is truly unlikable because I want to give them the squinty eye whenever I see them and not feel bad about it.

Later in the day I go to change the water jug for the coffee machine. Scott is on the phone and Chris is hanging in there with him and Steve, so I don’t look in. I go into the warehouse to get a full jug, which all the jugs are right at Scott’s window. When I go out to put the empty jug out there, I look at Scott, but he’s still on the phone. However, when I go back through the door, I look at him and smile and he’s off the phone. He’s smiling at me then says something. I back up. “What?” “Do you need to change the jug?” “No, I just changed it.” I forget exactly what he says here, but he asks me about if there were jugs out there, but I forget exactly what word he used to describe them. Could’ve been “usable”, or something alone those lines. “You mean ones that are full?” “Yeah”. Chris had walked out of their office and was heading back over to come back in. He comes up next to me in the doorway and mumbles “What is he even talking about?” I laugh. Scott smiles and says, “What did he say?” and then continues with,��“Nah, there hasn’t been any full ones out there for awhile.” I honestly do not know what he is talking about because there’s always full ones out there lol. I end up changing the jug at least once a month, and anytime I see anyone else do it they get a full jug no problem. 

Thursday - Scott had a doctor appointment for his stomach, so he comes in a little late. I use the last of the paper stacks in the cabinet, so I go out into the warehouse to get a box. I always make 2 trips and first take out half the paper in the box, then go for what’s left. The box says it’s only 20 pounds, but I beg to differ. So anyway, when I’m about to head back through the door, I see Steve isn’t at his desk. For some reason, I always stick my tongue out and up while smiling when I’m carrying the paper. I look at Scott and he smiles at me. 

During my lunch (after I get back from finally getting my package) I go in to talk to him and ask how his stomach is doing. He tells me about it and how it’s actually starting to feel better (yay!) and then starts saying how his doctor is one of those nerds, and he tries explaining what he means, but I still have no idea haha. So I just ask, “Does he have the glasses?” (referring to our conversation from the other day) and he laughs and says yeah. Playfully teasing Scott has become one of my favorite things. We also start talking about the work day at one point and how it actually adds up to 9 hours, and then I say “well, for most of us” and look at him and he laughs. Scott is really supposed to come in at 8, but I don’t think he has ever come in before 8:15. He says it works out though because Steve always leaves at 4:30, so one of them gets to come in late and the other gets to leave early. Hey, works for me too because it means Scott is alone at the end of the day. I somehow get on the story how a few years back I wanted a bagel for breakfast but the cream cheese was moldy. I opened the other end, which was fine and pristine and ate cream cheese from that end. Scott is like “Oh no” and starts laughing before I even get to the part how 10 minutes later I was puking it all back up. He is laughing pretty hard and says, “That’s disgusting”. I reassure him that that has been the only time ever that I’ve ever attempted to eat anything with mold even remotely close to it. Like I said before, just a day in the life :) One thing I’ve noticed this week is how Scott occasionally mentions his daughter to me now, and how he shares other conversations he has with other people. It makes me feel included and that he wants to tell me things. He doesn’t ever mention his wife, which is A-okay with me because that is a mood killer for sure. I don’t mind hearing about his daughter though.

At one point during the day when I come out of the bathroom, Angelo is at Joyce’s cubicle and I hear him say, “You really might be leaving though?”. Okay, say what??? When he walks away, I give it a few minutes and then ask her about it. She wants to apply to another position within the company. It would be less stressful than her position now, though she would keep about half of the same responsibilities. She doesn’t think she’ll get it though and that they’ll tell her she needs to stay where she is. She would still have to interview and everything just like all other applicants, both internal and external. When Scott makes his tea at the end of the day, I ask him how his day is and he gives me one of his typical answers but the way he says it makes me laugh. I look at him and he’s just smiling. Then he asks me how my day is going and I tell him I got more bad news. He asks me what it is and I tell him “I’ll tell you in there” while motioning to his office with my head. He tells me to give him a minute while he goes and gets his creamer. When he comes back I go in to tell him. He reassures me that it’ll be okay, and that it’s probably good anyway because it means even more job security for me, which is what Joyce said too. He also said it means they might hire me faster, but that should be coming soon anyway (ugh, I hope). Scott has a calming affect on me that literally no one else has, so I do feel better about things. He says no one moves fast on things there anyway, which I know already since I’ve been waiting since November to be hired permanently. Scott used to work at our other building right down the road. He’s been here 6 years and spent 3 over there and 3 over here. He was supposed to go over that February but it didn’t happen till June, and the only reason it happened was because Chris called over and said he really needed him. Joyce was there 15 months as a temp before she got taken on permanently, and I know everyone else who was a temp waited a long time too. May 22nd will be one year for me since I started. Scott mentions how he might take a half day tomorrow to get a lot of things done he needs to do, that he can’t really do when his daughter is around because she is right there or tries to run off or something lol. During this end of day discussion, when I see Scott smiling, his face stretched and his eyes squinting, I can feel my heat skip a beat. Then not long after this, I think about how soft his cheek might be. Then, when there’s a lapse where we both stop talking, I end up staring at his lips without realizing it. I can feel my lips are softly parted, and I can feel the utter longing that is tingling them. It’s a good solid 10 seconds minimum that I am just staring at Scott’s lips. He doesn’t move. He says nothing. When I finally come to my senses and realize what I’m doing, I look up at him. He’s just staring at me. This is why I usually stand in Scott’s doorway. I get too close to him and then I have such a strong longing for him. It is getting harder to resist the more we talk and open up to each other. God help me if I ever bump into him or something, because he’s going to be so damn close to me that I’m probably just gonna go for it without having time to think about what I’m actually doing.

Friday - It’s important to understand Scott’s timeline as to when he comes in in the mornings. In general, he comes strolling in between 8:20 and 8:30. Very rarely, Scott will come in outside of this time frame, so between 8:15 and 8:20, or between 8:30 and 8:40. I start printing usually around 8:18, this way I can insure I have plenty of stuff at the printer for me to work on. Depending on how much is in my inbox for me to print, on a good day I can give myself about 8 minutes of stuff to work on at the printer. That is with me taking my time as well. Since Scott came in extra late 2 days this week because of doctor appointments, and the other 2 days he came in after 8:30, I did not get to greet him at all. He came in a little earlier than usual Friday, around 8:15, but I happened to be grabbing a coffee stirrer and was walking back to my cubicle with it. I see Scott come in, and when he sees me, he breaks into a grin. I grin back and wave, and he waves too. I would have probably just stood there smiling like an idiot, waiting for him to walk up if Joyce had not been talking to me at this exact moment. Of course, I didn’t hear what she said because my focus was on Scott, and the printer was going and it’s really loud. I go over to her cubicle to ask her what she had said.

Joyce has been pretty busy the past two days, so I’ve been taking documents to the warehouse for her, which I enjoy doing because I get to get up and walk around and it’s also an opportunity to smile at the man of my dreams. I am about to come back in from the warehouse and I can see through Scott’s window his left elbow on his desk, so his body must be facing the door. He’s waiting for me. I peek through the small window in the door and see Steve is looking down at his phone. I happily open the door and turn to face Scott, who smiles at me and nods his head up, another one of his signature flirting moves. I just love our little moments like this. I’m going to miss them so much and I am soaking up every little last one of them.

During my lunch, when I go about my normal routine of putting my lunch bag upstairs, using the individual bathroom, and then walking by Scott’s office, he is not in there. As I’m walking down the hall toward his office, I’m thinking, “Where did he go?”. I saw him walking out when I went into the bathroom, and I heard him at the sink, so I know he saw me and knew I was getting ready to come see him. As I turn left to go toward my desk, he’s at the coffee machine. Relief. But now 3 days of news I do not want to hear. He’s leaving early. “Wait, you’re leaving early?” “Yeah, I told you yesterday I was.” “No, you just said you might.” Scott has said to me several times on different occasions that he might take a day off or leave early to get some things done, but he’s never followed through, so I guess I didn’t think he actually would on this occasion. I ask him when he’s leaving and he looks at his watch and says in a few minutes, at 12:30. “You’re not going to wait for Steve to come back from lunch?” “Nah.” He goes and gets him creamer then I go into his office so we can talk a bit. The first thing he says is how he wants some dessert, and the words “Well, there’s me” almost come hurtling out of my mouth. I’m torn between being happy that I controlled myself at the last second, and wishing I had just let it come out to see if he would’ve acted on something. It is getting very, very difficult for me to keep exhibiting self-control around Scott. I could feel months ago it was a little hard, but now it is getting to the point where any day now I’m going to end up saying something without thinking or just acting on an impulse and I don’t know how to even feel about that. I could physically feel myself tensing up trying not to say these 3 little words to Scott, it’s gotten that bad. And it feels so unnatural to me trying to keep fight it, because my natural instinct is to want to be affectionate with him. So then I’m in this situation, and I’m focusing on acting in a proper manner, and then I stop talking. Not only that, but I’m exhausted (I go to bed at 7 this night), so I’m not chatty like usual. The other day, when I was giving Scott snippets of how I felt about moving upstairs, it felt so freeing. Just so, so good to be putting it out there. That is what I truly want, but there is still this side to me going, “No, we cannot be that way with Scott. He is married.” It’s all very annoying having these 2 sides battle it out.

He tells me a story of the previous night how he was going to get his meds and this lady behind him had her speaker phone on and her and this other person were talking about some guy they knew and some crazy story how he was being pursued by the cops and threw drugs into a bush and whatnot. What I get out of this is that Scott is slowly letting me into his life. I guess I’m doing the same with him too. I ask him if I’m keeping him from leaving, but he says no and says he’s waiting for Steve, which is weird because 10 minutes prior to this he said he wasn’t. He is rummaging in his drawer and said how a guy from the other building might come over to get a spare shirt he has. It’s a company shirt. Scott wears them a lot now that the warmer weather is here. Before he wore fleece pullovers pretty much every day. He takes out a company sweatshirt still in it’s plastic bag and asks me if I want it. Idk why I actually stop and have to think about it, because Scott is freaking offering it to me, so it should be an automatic yes. I guess it’s because I’m not even sure I really like it, because I’d prefer a hoodie, but in the end I say yes because it’s something from Scott. I thank him. I’d much have preferred if he had worn it and it smelled like him, but whatever. I wore it to bed that night and it is soft, and it’s also huge on me, but it really made me so happy wearing it. I ended up taking it off during the night though cuz I got too hot. Steve comes back and so I know my lunch is over. I hang around about another minute and then tell Scott to have a nice weekend. As he says, “Aiight. Thanks, Dane, you too” I am staring at his mouth again. I don’t mean to. I get up out of the chair and walk out, and as I’m passing by Steve’s window, at the last second I turn around and see Scott hasn’t moved and he’s watching me. I get the impression that he’s in thought about something and is asking himself a question. Of course, I have no idea what exactly, but that is the feeling that I get. I hear him walk by my cubicle carrying stuff out to his car at his normal pace and come back in. When he goes out again, he’s walking much faster than usual. I find this odd, but that could just be me. 

Friday made a month since I confronted Scott and he said he needed to think about things. I’ve battled with this over and over in my mind about what my own answer is, and as much as I want it to be no, the truth is, it’s a yes. I feel terrible about it, I question what type of person this makes me, I wonder about what the future would hold if I were to actually act on my decision. I have kept telling myself over and over that I am never bringing it up again to Scott, but only because I know my answer is yes and that if his is a yes too, something would happen. So even though my answer is yes, I am still trying to do the right thing and not get an answer out of him, as much as I want one, as much as I want him to say yes back to me. I know that Scott is not likely to bring it up, so I just keep holding on to that notion. I have beat myself up over this, but I never wanted things to be like this. I can’t just be like, “Well, Scott is married, this means I am no longer going to have feelings for him.” It doesn’t work that way. I am falling for this man, but it just so happens that he is another woman’s husband. This plagues me. Acting on anything would mean breaking this woman’s heart, but it would also mean eventually breaking my own. Scott can’t truly be with me, in an actual relationship. Not as long as he’s married. But that’s what I want, a relationship. But on the other hand, not ever having him at all is also bound to be very painful. This whole situation is just one giant, double-edged sword.

I’ve asked myself, trying to convince myself my feelings are fleeting,

okay, what exactly is it I like about Scott?” But I can answer this. It’s his endearing little air-headedness, his playfulness, his calmness, the things he does, how he makes me laugh. He’s actually pretty intelligent too. He’s smarter than me in some ways, though I know I’m smarter than him in others. And that’s perfectly okay. It’s so many little things I notice about him. I know there is so much more to him that I don’t know, but the same goes for him not knowing more about me. I want to know more. I want to get to know him, every little detail there is to know about him. I have never genuinely felt this way about any man ever, even the only man who I ever fell in love with. Slowly we have been letting little bits and pieces out about ourselves and our lives. I just, I don’t know. I have genuine feelings for him and the more we talk and interact, the deeper these feelings go. But I can’t stop talking and interacting with him, because I enjoy having him in my life. If, back in the beginning of February when I first found he was married, I had moved to the 2nd floor, we probably would not have gotten this far. This would have ended. But it didn’t play out like that. For some reason, it wasn’t meant to. I don’t know how things are going to end up, but I know that things always end up how they’re supposed to. I wasn’t meant to move upstairs until I got closer to Scott, and now we’re at this point where we are both willing to keep this going despite the upcoming barrier. And we both know that the other person is on the same page. 

I don’t think Scott only wants one thing from me. I don’t know anything about his marriage or his home life or his feelings for his wife, but I genuinely believe that Scott has started developing feelings for me as I have for him. I used to want to blame him, because he had kept his marriage a secret, and I would tell myself, “I wouldn’t even be in this situation if he had been honest from the beginning.” But things aren’t always what they seem to be. I don’t know Scott’s full situation, but I know it up to a certain point now with certainty: he saw me around the office and was attracted to me; we somehow started seeing each other more often and for whatever reason, he thought about actually talking to me beyond our casual hello’s; before he could do so, I started flirting with him, something he probably did not expect to happen, and so he immediately started reciprocating, not wanting to let the opportunity go. Now we’re both here. We both led each other to where we are now. I don’t blame either of us, just as I couldn’t bring myself to solely blame Scott, even though I tried to. I used to be absolutely baffled by how people ended up in affairs, but now I understand. I know that some people honestly do not care if the other person is married, so I still do not understand those types of situations, but I understand how sometimes it just happens. You don’t plan to make things difficult for yourself, and you don’t plan to fall for someone who is unavailable. If Scott did in the beginning see me as just a potential hook-up, I think it’s gone beyond that now. I can see it in the way he laughs, the way he looks at me, the way he is starting to show he cares. I am not just being lusted after. And I think this is all why Scott has not given me an answer yet. It’s gone beyond the matter of “Do I want to cheat on my wife?”. Getting involved with me would be so much more than that, and I think that’s where Scott’s true dilemma comes in. How far would this actually go, and would it unravel so many things in his life? Am I, this woman that he barely knows, worth risking everything for?

[judas-had-a-crown]

good evening, I came here to give you some dull ficlet ideas about Death Note: Light's character reflected through any of seven deadly sins --- ancient Shinigami realm --- Kira's Tokyo --- anything about task force (if you don't mind) :D

Hello dear^^

Finally… okay, the following; since my brain likes to do things without my permission, I’ve gathered your first and second request in one text, thus using six giant sentences in total. For Kira’s Tokyo, I chose a poetric way and hope it doesn’t sound too ridiculous. When it comes to task force I must confess it’s my first time writing anything about them so… bear with me XD I like Matsuda best tho. I want to protect him.

Light’s character reflected through any of seven deadly sins + ancient Shinigami realm 

When Light demands to see the Shinigami realm with his own two eyes, feet planted firmly on the ground, posture straight, his gaze a strict fixture towards him, Ryuk cracks him open like the cap on a bottle of coke.

And though it’s a dream - for dreams, the shinigami said, always walk a fine between life and what’s beyond and grey territory is good for entering a grey world like his own - Light lets him in with shuddering breath; he knows Ryuk enjoys this, prattling on nonsense as he breaks into his bones to count, rib by rib, carving his name upon each with seldom caution to resolve the last barrier that keeps him on earth along with the Death Note locked in his desk.

Pain is not the name for it, more of a furious tickle when nerves are cut opened to tangle anew, stripping him barer than his flesh alone, taking the muscles too, the molecules, the very essence of being human; with eyes closed Light feels the damned god reach beyond matter and mind at last, and even though his scraping nails, long and and sharp and merciless, borrowed from a rabid animal it seems, burn their stigma of boredom into him, he clenches his teeth for he himself is curious to feel if the wilted muscle of his heart has yet failed beating in this realm, where nothing has ever been alive to begin with…

Songs of the dead hang in the tight-strung air, loaded sweet by the stench of decay and dust, as a rough tap on his shoulder encourages him to open wide and take a look around; his feet sink into colorless sands and scrapes of parched skin when he does, a soft layer of fog hanging over his scalp like a rain’s threat refusing to fall; observing further, lakes of crimson pique his sight behind ragged hills and shadows that seem blurred no matter how far or close they are to their position; he steps ahead till he reaches a puddle in his reach and dips his hands in the blood of his victims; he can’t help but smile at the warmth - only then he feels his own frame shake and he wonders how this can be since the dead know no cold no heat no relief or remorse.

„Care for a bath?“ Ruvik asks, his hulkish frame hovering behind him like a second shadow in the sun; if the Shinigami world had a sun to begin with, anyway; the mocking tone has faded in favor of a growl, low and slow and strained; as if a weight was added to his tongue; even then, the alien curiosity Light has come to know so well during the years shines in his round, unmoving eyes; Light tilts his head, a half-smile carved into the right corner of his mouth; it is not fit for a king to bathe in the filfth he created, yet the thought does not irk him as much as it probably should; „Sure. If you go first.“ His hands are soaked in the liquid; he rubs it between his thumb and index finger and waits, but it doesn’t dry, „Did you always have lakes here? Blood, water in general?“ Ruvik snorts despite his apparent difficulty of forming words now; „Not till you came along. You killed so many people in such a short amount of time, their deaths literally bled into our domain. It‘s a nice change of scenery though. A pinch of color to garner the dust.“ A cackle follows, the melody to an old rhyme.

Light sighs; may it be time or local paradoxes or sarcasm that holds this place, he can’t scrub the red off his palms; he lets his hands hang to his sides then; annoyed; wondering, the little wheels in his head giving off steam „Still, they’re rather small, don’t you think? I thought I’d done more than that.“ Ryuk shrugs a shoulder, the movement laggard; „The Shinigami world is vast. A huge, dry, tiring plane. A thousand years of watering won‘t make this earth fertile.“ he hums - Light’s hands move into fists of their own; a thousand years… he doesn’t even have a one-tenth of them left to bring justice to all who deserve it - „I see.“ Minutes uselessly pass into the silent void; then, in a deadpan voice he says gently; „Would you like to have an ocean here, Ryuk? I could teach you how to swim.“ This time, the cackle holds a burst of laughter too; chilling and plenty as ice spinters running down Light’s mortal spine; „Nah, I don‘t care much for oceans.“ Light turns his face to Ryuk’s pale visage bowing to him far too close all of a sudden and sees his own bloodlust reflected by its static features and soulless grin; „But I‘d like to see you try.“

Kira’s Tokyo

Cold and dead the dread did spread, blinding hollow eyes when there in the echo of tears uncried light was shed, it built itspread. Leaving god on osseous thronewith a graveyard to call home.

anything about task force

The day Matsuda said he had met someone, a person sweet as spring (which was arguably and of course over the top, all things aside) , he started to whistle in the office which caused some looks being thrown at him (more of surprise and wonder humbly translated in a „what the fuck?“ being growled from the right side of the room, no malicious intentions gathered, thank you very much); also, his walk held a somewhat lighter step to it and he tripped considerably less times than he was prone to do on a regular day - he even shared a decent moment with L when he decided to buy two big ice cream bowls and sat next to him, humming absently as he put the spoon to his mouth repeatedly and thus, when it came to L in that matter „being in love does seem to make Matsuda less annoying than before“ added by his occasional whisper of “interesting“; in L speech, he deemed it acceptable, so everyone else was down with it was well.

Matsuda’s cheerful behavior continued for two weeks in total until he went through the door on a Wednesday morning one hour late, a blueish-black bruise covering his right eye cast down in a motion far too akin for shame to not alert several heads turning as he staggered to his desk; Ukita was the first to enquire about the injury with Matsuda hastily answering it to be the result of an unfortunate accident that included a door falling into his face - despite being highly aware of Matsuda’s clumsiness, the remaining members of the Task Force had been working alongside him long enough to conclude he was also a truly terrible liar; that day, and the rest of the week following after, L did not receive another “candy invitation“ by Matsuda; actually, no one saw Matsuda eating anything at all anymore; and people, though most of them surely tried to stick to their own life, stuffed with personal problems to deal with as they were, started to show concern for the young man as he continued to hunch into the restrictive patters of a person he was not.

It took the sight of Matsuda limping to work a week later that had L ask Soichiro to take care of the matter and find out about the lover’s address in addition, allowing the men who felt up to the task to pay them a short visit for the “need of clarifying most basic things“; no one was really surprised when nearly the whole division headed into the same direction after work.

[bcydbeaulieu]

for @kahlilravishans, my wife’s, bday || part 8 of 8

ok so this is it… the end. this was going to be second but i thought why not end with this. this is where it is going to get a bit emotional… so if you don’t want to hear all the gay that i am about to say then just look at the pretty edit. emily you are not allowed to skip this so buckle up babe… because you know how i can get when i decide i want to gift you some words… ok here we go!

ok so funny story… i wasn’t gonna start out this way but i was going through the early days of our tag and well i wished you a happy bday a year ago.. specifically while you were trying to get through interludes. so can you believe its been a fucking year since icos and our 12 hours skype sessions. those were the days were our relationship grew from “still had some chill” to “are you sure you two aren’t dating” so damn that book series. but seriously just needed to point that out. now here comes my incoherent babbling about how much i love you and how much you really mean to me. 

so, i’m pretty sure everyone knows the story of how me and emily met. god knows we talk about it enough. but it wouldn’t be an emotional emily and laura post if i don’t mention it so lol. i remember it, that february day, oh god. so she idk follows me or finds my blog and at the time i had a neil url and she just starts yelling at me on the chat. that stupid fucking messaging system. and of course i just start screaming back. and in the back of my mind i’m thinking how do i get this nerd girl to keep talking to me about our foxes and really i didn’t have to do much bc we exchanged numbers (she made me get a whatsapp) the next hour. and guys look.. i didn’t do this type of stuff before. i randomly talked to people and the only person i kept in contact with was my irlbff. so emily was not a normal occurrence. but anyways she asked if she could call and my heart was like beating out of my chest cause omfg what the fuck but of course i said yes and that’s how i find myself outside mid day on a february in texas walking around my front yard, my backyard, and yelling about literally everything we had in common at the time. 

now, i thought this girl is awesome and every part of me wanted to keep talking to her but i just knew that we’d talk for a month a few at max and then you know that thing would happen where you just lost connection, even tho i felt like i had just found like part of my soul. 

not what happened. the next week or couple of weeks we had our first skype session.. it lasted 6 hours yall. like who does that with someone they just met. fast forward to late august of 2016 and there we are getting into icos against our better judgement and there its kind of history. with our 12 hour skype sessions. and us eating dinner and breakfast together on opposite ends of the world and in complete different timezones. and i don’t know if something just clicked then cause we were already too close for our situation. but after that it was like i knew that this wasn’t some fluke this was real. and i HAD found a part of my soul. and god that’s cheesy but it’s fucking true. i’d run to the end of the world for this girl. and i’d do it multiple times. 

so that’s part of the story i guess. but i’m not done talking and emily i’m sorry babe but you know how i get i’m gonna write some more here so really buckle up. 

when i say i love you emily, i truly mean it with every part of me. i’ve never had a relationship like i have with you and the ones i had that came close don’t even touch to what we have. you’re so much more than my best friend and i don’t have a word for it and i don’t think words could justify it. but you keep my world spinning sometimes and then others you can make it stop. you are my rock when i need someone to ground me. you are the light in my life when i can’t seem to even get one positive thought in my mind. you support me through everything that i do and truly believe that i can be great at my career and in life in general. and i don’t know where i would be without you. 

you’re a good listener. you give great advice. and sometimes you just help me to stop thinking. you do so much for me and i hope that on the flipside i’m doing everything that i can for you. our relationship isn’t perfect and i’m glad it isn’t im glad that we can talk as honestly as we do and that we don’t keep anything from each other. and sometimes i’m amazed at how honest we can be bc so much of our relationship is over text or phone and its so easy to not say things when you’re not in person. but i would never let myself not be fully myself with you and that comes down to even the parts of me that i don’t want anyone to see. 

i’m also so happy that i’m the person that you talk to even when you don’t want to talk to anyone. i can’t believe i’m that person for someone, that person that even when the world is too much i’m not. that you trust me enough to be that person… it means… literally everything to me. 

you are always the highlight of my day, your snaps, texts, stupid messages, emojis, the fact that we’re each others screensavers. god that is freakin gay wow. i wanted to go through posts and like remember our relationship for the PAST YEAR AND A HALF CAN YOU BELIEVE LOL. but haa its like 55 pages and i don’t think i could summarize the best points cause they’re all just so good. we’re fucking legendary sometimes, you know. god this is a mess. this girl knew there was a hurricane happening in texas before i could tell her and has been the most dramatic about it. so if that says anything. 

“Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone who can understand what we are saying in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved.”

This quote, this fucking quote ok wow. like ya do shit for yourself and you can create your own happiness blah blah like cool but babe sometimes you are the thing that makes me feel alive. and knowing that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i’m 100% you do keeps me going day to day. i’d swim across the damn fucking ocean for you. and one day we’ll get to see each other in person and it’ll probably be the best damn time of our lives and i can’t fucking wait for it bc it’s gonna happen. and we’re gonna road trip with son and yell at each other about music and scream in person about our favorite characters and spend hours reading together and probably some times on our computers not talking, bc honestly half our skype sessions are us just silently soaking in each other’s company and i wouldn’t change that for the world. 

you are without a doubt one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important and i can’t explain how it feels to have someone that knows me as well as you do and to have that in return with you. i love that as our relationship has grown it’s gone from we have all these things in common in fandom to we have certain fandom things in common but our lives are intertwined and even if we had nothing like that in common it wouldn’t matter. i know you have class on wednesday, i know you can’t skype in the early hours of morning but you will take my call. i know you live in the middle of nowhere and it takes like an hour to get to the city. i know your dad is australian but 50% of the time i hear him speak it’s with that terrible american accent. and well here…

The things i know about emily: she hates coffee but she will try every concoction she can to stay awake while reading, she loves her new puppy even though she said she wasn’t that attached, she has way too many comics (this girl set up a store on ebay ok), she is the most indecisive person to ever grace the earth, her books are arranged in alphabetic order correctly but only after i made sure they were correct, she loves rock music and can’t stand pop, she’s one of the most gorgeous people in the world but doesn’t believe it (uhm she should tho), she…. ok i could go on forever and i can never do those questions on tumblr bc i know everything about her. 

omg this should prob end soon, but like ok emily this is just a mess and i’m sorry but just if you didn’t know i love you more than anything and i hope you have a wonderful day and that we have many more bdays of yours to celebrate even when you don’t want to celebrate them. i’m so glad that you messaged me that day bc there would be a hole in my life without you. you’re amazing, incredible, outstanding, kind, hilarious, an asshole, and like my soulmate. also i’m listening to stand by me while writing this (the power rangers version) so just… i’m about to cry with how much you mean. 

to emily: i love you i love you i love you. and i will love you until the stars i’m looking at now and the ones you will see when you’re reading this can be looked at while we sit with each other outside one of our houses. and i will keep loving you through the distance and the ocean and the fights and the tears and the stubbornness of the world for not letting us be closer in the first place. you have undoubtedly changed my life for the better. you have made me a better person. more confident, happier, and somehow calm. there are days when you make my heart race (gay) and days when you make me still. (raven cycle much). you are my person (lol grey’s) and you are the first person i think of in any situation (laura no we don’t want to hear about this emily girl in australia). so baby girl, again i hope you have the best day and obviously the best life and i’m just so glad that i get to be a part of it even from so far away. i love you (to the moon and back and all that shit) <3

Oh, won’t you take me from this valley To that mountain high above? I will pray, pray, pray Until I see your smiling face. I will pray, pray, pray To the one I love.

[symplegades]

i’m gonna do one of those old facebook note quiz things from 2010

Are you ready to answer these questions honestly even if it starts to get hard? ya How old is the last person you kissed on the lips? 27 Who was the last person you had a face to face conversation with? my best friend from undergrad What were you doing at 12 am last night? getting into bed/falling asleep Does the person you like, like you back? um i hope so!!!!!!! we share a bed????? Have you ever walked away from someone who was yelling at you? unclear. maybe but i think i’d be too squeamish to do that, i’d just stand there and cry Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them? nah i always have to talk it out either with them or someone else, and both options usually end in me getting over it/getting closure and going back to normal Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours? yep When you say you don't care do you mean it? i don’t say i don’t care very much, so i guess when i say it i do mean it? i’ll have to pay attention next time Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? yep Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? nah i kissed mike while he was still covered in shaving cream it was yikes Have you ever cried cause you were so mad? oh absolutely, like 100% of the time What's your favourite color? cool colors. <-- what i wrote in 2010 but still true What color is your shirt? grey with purple lettering What do you hear? netflix, i’m watching this movie ~out of the dark~ Last person of the opposite sex you gave a hug to? actually my friend kevin from grad school! i just ran into him at work Are you sitting or standing? sitting. <-- also written in 2010, also still true Are you keeping a secret from anyone? um probably Have you ever kissed someone in the rain? ya Have you kissed someone with braces? yes. <-- i don’t remember that but apparently yes Are you short? ok in 2010 i wrote yes but i think i’m actually pretty average or even taller than average. maybe i was shorter in 10th grade What would your last name be if you were married to the last person you texted? ok i just texted like 3 people at once. i guess velez Last picture comment was from? did this mean, like, on myspace or facebook? idk who was the last person to comment on my fb photos. oh actually you know what a friend of a friend went through all my public posts including photos and commented on all of it and it was rly offputting, so that’s who How was your day overall? p good, i applied to 2 jobs and got called back for a second interview for another job (FINALLY) Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? probably SOMEONE in the world. maybe my ma Have you ever kissed anyone within an hour of meeting them? ok mike tried to kiss me after our first date but i was like no that is creepy. and looking back i’m like aw so sweet we shoulda kissed! but no it was still uncomfy that he was trying to kiss me a very short time after we first met Are you anyone's first love? pls. sure i guess, people in high school. Could you handle living together with the last person who texted you? lol maybe? i’ve never considered it. prolly we could find agreements/common ground So, the person you like, their name starts with a B, doesn't it? it does not. <-- still true Is the person you last texted single? negative. <-- also still true Do you think age matters in relationships? i mean it’s totally dependent on context. we talking about 16 and 18 year olds or 16 and 32 year olds? i guess it always MATTERS it just depends on how it matters, like being similar ages kinda matters bc you’ve had similar life experiences at similar points in history and being very different ages matters bc you gotta wonder what’s going on. but once you’re over like, 25 i feel like bigger age gaps are more acceptable depending on what’s going on in folks lives. idk. How is your hair right now? it’s okay, up in a pony. actually i thought it was in a bun but i just touched it and it is a pony, usually it’s a bun when i’m home Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? nah he’s cool, although sometimes i have trouble following his thought process Where was your default picture taken? my prof pic on fb was taken at columbia Who's the last person you took a picture with? yikes, ahhhh... probably mike. Are you waiting for something? a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did you get your last bruise? who knows. <-- still true. i’m not sure i currently have any bruises? Do you believe in love? yes. <-- still true What are your plans for the summer? ikea with sami tomorrow, permit on monday, kate's birthday party monday night, possibly beach with em sara hayley + meg on tuesday, dermatologist on wednesday, california with sami from friday to tuesday, one week home, to maine for 2 weeks, one week home to schedule driving time and finish summer reading and find a job. wooo!

^^^^^sorry i just wanna preserve that 2010 message bc it’s so wholesome and high school-ish and carefree.

my actual summer plans are just intense job hunting and getting a job. then maybe planning a trip home or to maine, then planning a china trip but probably won’t happen this summer. What was your first thought this morning? wa wa why is my alarm going off Have you kissed anyone this month? ya Could you date someone taller than you? sure Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again? uhhh. yeah i’m sure there are things i didn’t do great. idk? Have you ever gotten butterflies from someone? oh yes. <-- lol wtf? “oh yes”? ya sure idk Do you like waking up in the morning to find that you have new texts? sometimes. i think when i was younger it was more exciting but now i’m kinda relieved when i wake up and don’t have notifications. Ever had braces? nope. <-- still true Do you enjoy Taco Bell or McDonalds? i haven’t eaten either in ages even tho i want to but i know i’ll just get diarrhea. but i’d probably get mcdonalds given the choice Have you ever walked on the beach at night? oh yes. <-- oh yes?? anyway the most prominent “walking on the beach at night” story was when i was on spring break with my friends in ghana (or maybe we were in togo?) and we got stuck in this beach house like a mile down this deserted beach and it was like 2am and we’re walking and all super scared bc we’re a bunch of american girls in a foreign land and then 2 random dudes come out of nowhere and we’re all like NO LEAVE US ALONE and they somehow follow us to our house? and like try to come in? and we’re all f r e a k i n g out bc we’re afraid they’re gonna attack us but then my friend who is naive and trusting opens the door and we’re all screaming like DON’T OPEN THE DOOR but then i guess he just asked if we like... needed matches or something. anyway it was a lot What were you doing at 2AM this morning? sleeping.  <-- still true Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex? nope it was mike’s mom Has a girl sat on your bed before? yes although actually i don’t think that has happened in this apartment? no one ever really goes in the bedroom except mike and me. but maybe in the old apartment girls had sat on my bed before. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? chatting with my friend and getting my thread organized Ever kissed anyone 18 or older? lol ya Math or English? womp. english? i’m poop at math now i haven’t taken it since i was a freshman in undergrad Do you have any twins in your family? i don’t think so, which is surprising bc it’s a pretty big family Are you shy? depends on the setting and how comfy i am feeling Are you close with your siblings ? meh depends on the day. i think sometimes my middle sister mom’s me too much/nags me/treats me like a baby. You'd say "Fuck you" to your ex, ain't I right? which ex? i mean probably not, what’s the point? How you feeling? kinda hungry Will you ever run away and get married in Las Vegas with no notifications to either of your families? lol nooooooooo What do you think of boyfriends/girlfriends calling each other by food names? i think it is hilar and i wish mike and i did it If you're single, then why don't you get a boyfriend/girlfriend ? not single but also this question unnecessarily adheres to the gender binary also even if i was single i don’t need a partner heck! When was the last time you were craving to get drunk? wah not in a while, i can’t hold my alcohol and mike doesn’t drink so it’s not very fun I don't know about you, but I like saying "fuck" a lot. Do you? not like a LOT. when appropriate Do you think you'll be one of those people that will get a divorce in the future? eep i hope not? does anyone consider themselves “one of those people”? Who did you last hug? my best friend from undergrad Have you ever done something that was really bad for yourself? dur Is it worth crying over a guy or a girl? i mean... crying is crying. it’s not a question of worth it or not. if you wanna cry then cry Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? ya but we’d need to do a lot of emotional repair Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before? oh absolutely i was trying to pretend that i wasn’t running horribly late but i was and i made her stand around for so long and she was pissed Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? probably Are you wearing pants? shorts. does that count? <-- same Would you date someone twenty years older than you? womp not right now i’d feel a bit yikes. maybe if i was like 60 and they were 80 or something. it feels better to me if we’re both old lol Is your birthday in less than 6 months? nah Would you ever quit a bad habit for someone? i did actually! i was still smoking a bit when mike and i got together and he really hated it/asked me to stop Have you ever felt guilty about something you didn’t do? oh absolutely lol i feel lots of emotions about everything Do looks matter the most to you? nah Are you looking forward to tomorrow? meh Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? yeah! What are you doing after this? probably gonna make french fries Is something bothering you? unemployment ;( Three days from now, will you be in a relationship? i don't even know if i'm in a relationship NOW. <-- o shit 2010 alicia??? wyd?? you good???

anyway ya i hope so Has someone ever made a promise with you and broke it? i’m sure Will your next kiss be a mistake? hope not! Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? we goin on 3 years here so Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? mommy. <-- still true!! we literally talk every day if not multiple times a day. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? nope! What are you doing tomorrow? sigh probably clean... apply for another job. cross stitch lol What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? he still likes me (: <-- i’m so sad for 2010 me. what is going on? i’m so sad.

and i have no clue what my last thought was, i think i was wondering if mike wanted me to stop leaning on his arm Do you get along more with girls or guys? girls are beautiful and perfect and guys are yikes until proven otherwise next Do you remember who you liked on New Years? lol ya this same guy Have you ever intentionally pissed someone off? probably? Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? nah The person you fell hardest for calls, what do you say? hey!!! how's phoenix?! why are you talking to me and not your arizona brethren? <-- ooooooooooh it’s when i dated this white missionary boy who i loved so much but he def did not love me but i was like, just totally infatuated. my best friend from high school refers to this boy as my renaissance bc i after dating him i started dating much cuter people lol

um anyway it’s hard to quantify who i fell hARDEST for i guess? i mean i’m currently in the process of marrying mike so i think he wins. if he called i would ask how bar night was and when the transformers movie is starting bc he got free tix from work Do you think someone has feelings for you? lol he better Have you done anything sneaky lately? hm hm. i don’t think sneaky. Do you find smoking unattractive? sigh i shouldn’t but i do think it makes ppl look sooooo COOL Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? ya we like live together How many cigarettes have you smoked today? zero. <-- still true! Kissed someone who's name started with an N? hmmmmm. when i studied abroad i kissed a LOT of people so i’m sure one of their names started with N When was the last time something bothered you? lol what? constantly? Was last night terrible? nah it was good just a quick turnaround of getting home and going to bed. i ate a lot of watermelon which was gr8 What does your hair look like right now? pony-ish First person to speak to you in '09? lmfao damn i’m dating myself. idfk. Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to? i mean, i’m not worried about losing them, but yes i’d be afraid or upset if i lost them Are you basically a happy person? i hope so! Do you wish you could take things back? meh. no regerts and all that Have you ever wondered what life would be like without your best friends? omg what?? no?? it would be terrible?? Last person to make you seriously mad? prolly bigots Be honest, are you starting to gain feelings towards anyone? i’m like 3 years in so Do you think relationships are even worth it? well fuck i hope so lol Does anyone completely understand you? i mean no one will ever ~~completely~~ understand me but ya i have lots of people i am close to and whom i trust a lot Did you hug anyone in the last 48 hours? yep! Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot? lol yes smh Where do you see your ex in 5 years? sigh i have a lot of ex’s don’t put me on blast like this. a few of them are already married so. idk. employed? Your ex runs into you and hugs you, what do you do? which. one. actually it doesn’t rly matter bc if any of them did that i’d be like wat Who was your last missed call from? my dad, we were playing phone tag on father’s day Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up? yeah one from my best friend from high school saying “wtf” bc i told him about how rats can eat snakes if you’re not paying attention when you feed your snek When you and your friends are out and about do you usually get dirty looks? wut? i mean no but probably when i was a teen or preteen we were annoying and did get dirty looks Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films? i lOOOve these films but if it’s about like home invasions i get scared, or like things that live in your house Favorite fruit? god i love fruit. raspberries, applies, cherries (but i’m allergic now :(((((((( ), melon, oranges, the whole shebang. When someone says "we need to talk," what runs through your mind? yikes.com What are your chances of getting with your crush? smh i think they’re pretty good Who did you talk to on the phone last, and why? mom bc i was walking home and wanted to chat with her Do you always answer your phone? yes always Ever worn something of the opposite sex's clothing? dur Which do you enjoy more, to eat or sleep? lmao ahhhhhh i guess eat. Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind? i mean, yes i have a partner who is a man who i love dearly but he’s not like ALWAYS on my mind, like rn i’m not rly thinking about him but i do care for him a lot and think of him often/want to share most things with him Do you believe your latest ex thinks about you? who??... is my latest ex...... either that aaron guy from okcupid or -- omg CONNOR sigh omg poor boy i hope he’s okay. i hope he doesn’t think about me omg Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? mike Do you know anyone who would just drop everything to come see you? i mean what’s EVERYTHING... like within reason yeah Your best friend tells you, you have a drug problem, you say? ah i love you and we will get through this lets research our options together

[patchworktail]

HI YALL idk if I have??? any followers who still really care abt anything I post BUT I haven’t made a personal post in a LOOONG time so I figured I’d LET YALL KNOW WHATS BEEN GOIN ON!!! :-D this is long tho bc I like to ramble and in all honesty I doubt anyone will Really Care so feel free to skip it LOOOOL I just,,,, I have a problem w oversharing so sometimes it just feels nice to Write Everything Out about my life just to Sate that desire to overshare fksglsggjbli

ANYWAY SO....my senior year is quickly comin to a close!! which is weird to think about because I made my tumblr when I was still in middle school, god???? BUT YEAH IT’S....ALMOST OVER....It’s so weird!! BUT I’M ACTUALLY V EXCITED FOR THE LAST MONTH AND A HALF... 

This wednesday I have my AP gov field trip to DC!! we literally just get to spend a whole day wandering around DC on our own going to whatever museums/monuments we want, which will be fun!! 

Then the week after I have 3 AP exams (AP Lit+Composition on Wednesday, AP US Gov+Politics on Thursday, and I have to submit all my AP Studio Art stuff this week too) and then that Friday is senior prom from 6-10pm and then prom afterball from 11:30pm-4:30am (I’M SO EXCITED FOR AFTERBALL OKAY)

The following Monday (May 8th) I have my last AP exam, AP Bio!!! Which will suck!!! but oh well cause I’LL BE DONE!!! I only took 4 academic classes this year (english, bio, gov, calc) and since I’m taking the AP exams for 3 of them, I won’t have to take those finals AND we’ll be done with our main learning and it’ll be much more relaxed afterwards! So calc will be the only class/final I have to worry about. I’m SO READY to be done honestly

Then on May 17th I have my last field trip of the year!! It’s another one to NYC for AP english, we’re seeing a Broadway musical, The Great Comet of 1812!! I’M EXCITED this will be the 3rd Broadway musical I’ve seen (all 3 have been on school field trips HAHAHA I saw An American in Paris last year on an art trip and I saw Dear Evan Hansen earlier this year in March on this year’s art trip and it was SOOOOO GOOD and it’s super surreal to me seeing DEH starting to become so popular online when I’ve actually seen it LOOOOL)

Then a week later, May 23rd, is my school’s art show!!!!!!!!! :D I’M SOOOOO EXCITED FOR IT all the AP studio art kids get a WHOLE exhibit to themselves to showcase their concentrations and I got really close w almost everyone in my AP studio art class this year (there’s only 12 of us total) and we’re all SUPER excited and we've started staying after school to plan and work on stuff for the art show!! I’m very excited to show off what I’ve been working on all year!!!!

The day after the art show is the senior awards (you only get invited to them if you win an award, and my mom says I’ll proooobably get invited since I was a National Merit finalist bc my older brother got invited for that reason too....aLSO POOOSSIBLY MY GPA? But maybe not, I’ve had it at a 4.0 my whole high school career except 4th quarter last year it dipped to like a 3.95 oops so idk if that’ll Count but oh well I already raised it back up)

Then the day after THAT (Thursday May 25th I think) isn’t anything major but it is the Freddy Awards!! People in my area take high school theater super seriously, enough so that every year, a panel of judges go to every school in the one area’s spring musical and then nominate them in different categories for the Freddys - think Tony awards, but for high schoolers only (it’s even televised live!! You can look it up, it’s super neat, there was a documentary about it too and it focused on 3 of the main schools who take part AND MY SCHOOL WAS ONE OF THE 3 IM CRYIN). But I’m def gonna watch those live bc one of my best friends was the lead in our spring musical (Miss Saigon) and she has a chance to win a Freddy :-D I’m hopin she does (and the rest of the cast ofc!)

Then the end of May/beginning of June will be GRADUATION PREP PROBABLY!!!!! I graduate Sunday June 11th (the Baccalaureate thing is the day beforehand and I think my mom’s makin me go) AND I’M SO. FUCKIN. READY. TO GRADUATE. I’ll get to sit on the stage bc my GPA is above a 3.8 and graduation takes like 3 hours but I am SO SO EXCITED. And then of course the following weeks will probably consist of grad parties and whatnot. (I also think in the first few weeks of June I have a few family events, like a baby shower and a father’s day/birthday celebration for my Grandpa)

SO IT’S LIKE....GONNA BE A BUSY-ISH NEXT FEW WEEKS BUT ONCE AP EXAMS ARE OVER THINGS WILL DIE DOWN (MOSTLY) AND BE ONLY FUN STUFF!!! and then it’s SUMMER!!! and I’ll be DONE W HIGH SCHOOL!!!! it’s so surreal to me GOSH

and then this summer I have my camp counselor job again and I’m gonna have to look for a second job to save up money for college. and for college, I’m going to SCAD to major in animation and I’M STILL SO EXCITED ABT THAT I was unsure where I’d end up for a long time bc money issues (we’re poor) but we recently figured it out a bit (I’ll have to take out federal+private student loans ofc) AND I’M SO EXCITED BC I....RLY LOVED SCAD WHEN I VISITED....AND THEY HAVE S U C H A GOOD ANIMATION PROGRAM.....SO I’M RLY PUMPED even though it’ll be New and Scary bc I’ll be 13 hours from home and On My Own

BUT YEAH!!!!!! THAT’S BASICALLY....WHERE MY LIFE IS AT NOW...I figured it’d be good for me to write it all down, bc that’s just Who I Am or else I’d shove it in someone’s face in my desire to overshare and I don’t wanna annoy anyone. Kudos if anyone actually read this LOOOOL I’M JUST LIKE....I’M V EXCITED FOR THIS LAST MONTH AND A HALF OF HIGH SCHOOL AND I’M V EXCITED TO START COLLEGE AND AAAAH!!!!!!!

[2019blogjustcause-blog]

January 12

What a week. I was starting to feel proud of myself fo keeping up with my resolutions but I feel like Ive been slipping a little. I haven't posted the past 4 days, but its not all bad, its actually mostly good. I worked, did some school stuff, watched an entire season of Gossip Girl, and other things. On the 8th my cousin moved out and I had to wake up the next day early for school so I didn't get to post. I was really excited for her and just wanted to hang out with her the night before she left. Me, her, and my mom went on a walk with the dogs and it made me really happy. I’m trying to be realistic and accept that even though not every day I can get to the gym, I can at least take Bodie on a nice walk when I don't get the chance, and it also cheers my mom up so thats a bonus too. The morning on the 9th tho my cousin had to pick up her bed really early and her dogs wouldn't stop barking so I lost more sleep and woke up in a bad mood, especially considering Wednesday are my long days at school: 12 hours but 7 of those hours are break time. I went to the gym that day and did some homework, I even got a 100% on my pre lab quiz, usually I do terrible on those so it was a small victory, but then I had a throbbing head ache and when my lab started I felt super sick and gassy and just all around felt like I was gonna pass out, and then that gave me a lot of anxiety because of the time I actually did pass out in lab, but then when I got home I was finally able to take some medicine and a decent night sleep. Then the 10th came along and I sins really get done what I wanted to, but its been feeling really nice to get a break, too nice, and getting out of break-mode has been a little tough this week. Then the 11th came and even though I had class that morning and work that night, Gar came over after and we had a really nice time. We played some games and he brought me McDonalds, and we watched some Netflix, and he gave me a massage. Anyway, he spend the night and when we woke up it was a good morning (today). After he left I wanted to be productive but I just watched more gossip girl, and I think thats my regret. I also got into that thing where I over think and started thinking about my relationship and I know its nothing bad I just wish we did some more romantic stuff, and I don't really know how to bring up the conversation, like sometimes I just want to get dressed up and go to dinner or get surprised with flowers. Maybe I just need to relax a little bit. Im also mad at myself for having 2 sodas this week. My mom said she's trying to plan a trip to Florida for spring break so I think this is the motivation I need to start getting healthy. I think I really need to stay strong with the no sugary drinks and really committing to gym time and hopefully I can start making some progress. This was just the first week and maybe starting Monday I can really start pushing myself to reach my goals. Tomorrow I have work but maybe I can get some light studying in. Well see how this week goes. XOXO

[joshuaslifeinfull-blog]

I normally write a post and then it disappears and I end up just posting pics of the week. I’m going to be ahead of the game today and save my post so if it doesn’t post I have it to hand to repost! Anyway here goes! Start of the week not too much happened as I’ve had work all week so other than riding to work, Gyming, Running and seeing My Charlie I’ve not done much else for the front of the week. I watched the next episode of power on my phone as Charlie said we had watched it then she watched it again to realise we had…. No fair! Means we missed out on an ice cream night! Running wise 10K in a PB time Sunday, followed by a PB over 5 on Tuesday! A tough run Wednesday where I was chasing another PB over 7k this time but it when begging, not that PBs are my aim. Fridays 7k came along an with the toughness of Wednesdays run in the forefront of my mind I set off to stick to a pace and I nailed it, every KM was judged well if I do say so myself and felt that if I was running a race this was race management at its finest! It was my best run in terms of management yet and had more in the tank! 10.5k awaits me tomorrow! Gym is going well, shoulder is recuperating excellently and I’m now Bench pressing, Deadlifting and Squatting, I’m quite a noob to the ‘big 3’ as they’re dubbed so I’m starting light with a plan in place. This is going well along with hypertrophy accessory work also going well. In terms of bulking tho, with the added cardio this week and consistency of Calories I managed to somehow lose 1.6kg this week! Madness when thinking a year ago I'd look at a pizza and I'd gain that weight. Next week I'm Up to 2900 calories and looking to smash the weight and build some muscle! Wednesday I had a trip to Marylebone for a doctors appointment where I visited the Bagel Factory for the first time and it didn’t let me down! Superb bagels! (Pictured) Thursday came and went fairly quick, me and Charlie visited the Harvester as we didn't have little Alfie for some time together over a nice meal which was enjoyable! But other than that Thursday was nothing to note..... Oh wait, I blew up twitter Thursday, I won't go on about it but I tweeted Scarlett Moffat (yeah she's irrelevant) about her getting her fame from watching tv on tv and she replied and it blew up Twitter, including me making an appearance in twitter handle only in Heat Magazine online! Hey claim to fame! Friday! The day I'd been waiting for! What a glorious day it was! My F12017 game arrived! I left it to install while going for my run and walk with mother. The second piece to this puzzle was a ZOST named Ben, whose game hadn't arrived! In heroic style he went to Tesco and bought the game and headed home for installation. While he was doing that I met up with Charlie and Alfie and head for a park that had a fun fair, I tried to win Charlie a big toy but ended up with Alf winning a toy truck (hey at least I won something) Alf went on the Bouncy slides and trampolines and we headed to McDonald's and home to PLAY! I got home and Bens F1 was ready! We ended up playing for a good 3/4/5 hours I'd say? And as ever was very enjoyable! After ben exited Skype I proceeded to make myself a Bacon and Mushroom roll and then smash an hour of Career mode and the hit the hay for a glorious 9 hours which I haven't had for a week! Saturday - No Gym, No Run sounds like a good day. Would be if I didn't have work in the evening (bloody cobi and his paybacks on my long weekend off) Anyway I woke up with today's agenda being Pizza and F1! Undecided on where to buy pizza I went through various deliveries looking for the best deal, nothing stood out, so I headed to Tesco and got for £12 the amount of food to feed a small army! I was pleased with my haul (also pictured). Tesco also gave me a pack of 5 biscuits for free! They're superb and I munched 3 earlier aha! I headed home, smashed a bit more career mode out before watching real F1 quali and a bit of final score with my pizza and garlic bread before Ben appeared for some more F1. A mixed session with some ups and downs, fun as ever tho. During this time I also cooked up a pizza for Charlie who jumped in the bath while me and Ben played. I then headed home and to work! Not before having some ice cream and choccies aha! There ya have it, my week. JH

[jedwussy]

all of them? ;)

Look,,,, why do any of you take me seriously i hate you thanks xxxx this is gonna be the last well formatted section i hope u know that.  @lgbtposts here u mcfuckin go

200: My crush’s name is: probs amy but im trying for that to not be the case rn199: I was born in: Blackburn, 1999.198: I am really: fuckin cool197: My cellphone company is: EE196: My eye color is: blue195: My shoe size is: I mostly wear sixes but im actually between a 4 and a 5.5194: My ring size is: i dont fuckin know i dont even know my bra size193: My height is: see above192: I am allergic to: pollen191: My 1st car was: nonexistent190: My 1st job was: in a shop189: Last book you read: fuckin hell thats a throwback and a half. Probs The Rest Of Us Just Live Here188: My bed is: warm187: My pet: dogs186: My best friend: either Katie or Beef xx185: My favorite shampoo is: not a shampoo but Snow Fairy184: Xbox or ps3: PS4183: Piggy banks are: lame182: In my pockets: washed paper and probably a lighter181: On my calendar: who the fuck has a calendar180: Marriage is: for lame-os and i want to be a lame-o one day179: Spongebob can: go away178: My mom: is boring177: The last three songs I bought were?: probs this good robots album who pays for music. 176: Last YouTube video watched: Phils new one175: How many cousins do you have? None that i know of, my mam has loads with kids so i call them cousins but theyre some other convoluted thing174: Do you have any siblings? aye173: Are your parents divorced? aye172: Are you taller than your mom? aye171: Do you play an instrument? aye170: What did you do yesterday? fuck all, pretedned to write an essay mostly. played some overwatch[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: aye168: Luck:aye167: Fate:aye166: Yourself:nah165: Aliens: i want to believe164: Heaven: aye163: Hell: of course,, thts my life ha ha ha162: God: nah161: Horoscopes: sure 160: Soul mates: totally159: Ghosts: why not158: Gay Marriage: Comme une lesbienne, je suis partial. 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: why not, idk what this means tho155: Magic: nah[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses153: Drunk or High: either or, never together. rn probs high152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: Cherry Red like party mcfuckin poison i love them150: Blondes or Brunettes: probs brunette149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: summer147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: straight142: McDonalds or Burger King: Mcdonalds141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heels: Heels138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Ugly and rich fo sure137: Coke or Pepsi: pespi136: Hillary or Obama: obama135: Burried or cremated: set me the fuck on fire134: Singing or Dancing: singing133: Coach or Chanel: what the fuck are those132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: idk131: Small town or Big city: city130: Wal-Mart or Target: targe129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither128: Manicure or Pedicure: get away from me,, leave my nails alone127: East Coast or West Coast: east126: Your Birthday or Christmas:christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers,, but living ones. plants. 124: Disney or Six Flags: disney123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: use your words121: George Bush: go away120: Gay Marriage: gay119: The presidential election: fuck off118: Abortion: dont want one dont mcfuckin get one117: MySpace: dead116: Reality TV: boring115: Parents: eh114: Back stabbers: bye113: Ebay: amazons shitty cousin112: Facebook: boring but i use111: Work: kill me110: My Neighbors: named their kid the same as me fuck off shouting her name109: Gas Prices: idk i dont pay attention stop using crude oil108: Designer Clothes: i cant afford that shit107: College: cool106: Sports: not cool 105: My family: eh104: The future: *screaming at the void*

[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: Rosies mam on tuesday lmao102: Last time you ate: popcorn rn101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: uh idk maybe morgan when i last saw them at lloyds?100: Cried in front of someone: probs katie during my Major Breakdown of february99: Went to a movie theater: fuckin civil war i dont go to the cinema98: Took a vacation: florida, 201497: Swam in a pool: summer 201696: Changed a diaper:never95: Got my nails done: pre-mothers wedding94: Went to a wedding:mothers wedding93: Broke a bone: never92: Got a peircing: septum in november91: Broke the law: i smoked weed a couple of weeks back90: Texted: rn[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: beef88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my bed and or dogs87: The last movie I saw: ¾ of the green mile86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: leavers85: The thing im not looking forward to: c2 on wednesday84: People call me: kyra83: The most difficult thing to do is: live82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nah81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius80: The first person i talked to today was: Amy79: First time you had a crush: i was like, 878: The one person who i can’t hide things from: beef77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: beef rn76: Right now I am talking to: ally, morgan, amy.75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be a skience74: I have/will get a job: in science73: Tomorrow: never comes72: Today: sleep71: Next Summer: screaming70: Next Weekend: get10 smashed for leavers ayyyyy69: I have these pets: 2 dog ,, revel n jack jack 68: The worst sound in the world: poorly tuned violin being played very poorly67: The person that makes me cry the most is: amy r i p 66: People that make you happy: hannah hart, beef, keg65: Last time I cried: last night64: My friends are: fuckin lovely63: My computer is: shitty62: My School: sux61: My Car: doesnt exist60: I lose all respect for people who: are bigots59: The movie I cried at was: pride58: Your hair color is:blonde ( 4 now)57: TV shows you watch: watching through friends and yoi rn. just started futurama, putting off watching greys56: Favorite web site: dont got one55: Your dream vacation: flo rida to new york gay road trip54: The worst pain I was ever in was: brace pain 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare52: My room is: grey, green and a mess51: My favorite celebrity is: hannah hart  (ilhsm)50: Where would you like to be: somewhere sunny49: Do you want children: aye48: Ever been in love: probs idk anymore i think so47: Who’s your best friend: Beef or Keg46: More guy friends or girl friends: girls45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Validation44: One person that you wish you could see right now: beef probs she could do with a hug43: Do you have a 5 year plan: bitch i dont even have a 5 minute plan42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nah41: Have you pre-named your children: nah. but i like Atlas40: Last person I got mad at: myself lol39: I would like to move to: canadia38: I wish I was a professional: science[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: skittles36: Vehicle: cool motorbikes35: President: obmam34: State visited: florida33: Cellphone provider: EE32: Athlete: a what now31: Actor: chris pratt30: Actress: uh probs scarjo dont come for me i love her voice in her ok29: Singer: Miley cyrus atm28: Band: mcr27: Clothing store: fuckin love asda me26: Grocery store: fuckin love aldi25: TV show: atm yoi24: Movie: Her23: Website: idk22: Animal: Tapir21: Theme park: Busch gardens or however the fcku you spell it20: Holiday: xmas19: Sport to watch: rugby18: Sport to play: a who now17: Magazine: i secretly love vogue16: Book: either wicdiv or killjoys15: Day of the week: saturday14: Beach: south shields13: Concert attended: fiatc,, i touched his butt12: Thing to cook: pasta11: Food: pasta10: Restaurant: deanos9: Radio station: kerrang8: Yankee candle scent: vanilla7: Perfume: theres an Alexander Mcqueen one that was designed to smell like sex but i love it anyway6: Flower: orchid5: Color: pink4: Talk show host: gotta say ellen for the lesbians3: Comedian: fight me i like jimmy car2: Dog breed: i love all doggos1: Did you answer all these truthfully? idk i think so

[girlwithsword]

so i haven’t journaled in 2 weeks because i am a #mess and a lot of stuff has happened so i think broad summaries are more in order

basic themes: the summer, school, the next week, the house, ken, friends, family, my health

the summer: we had the group sicha for mosh madatz applicants and i had my interview with ari for the gilboa position, galil applications just came out

i don’t think i’m going to get mosh or gilboa - not ‘cause i’m not qualified, i am, but there just seems to be a lot of people more suited for that tafkid at those machanot than myself

galil is still open and idk as much what the landscape is like so it’s still a possibility, but idk what i’m going to to if i don’t get madatz madricha. i have been actively trying to separate what i want from the summer from the tafkid and i can’t do it. 

Hannah and Sarah have made a proposal for a kvutzah messima based on leading nachshonimot and I’m down with that, but Hannah think that i could just go to Galil and be with their bogrimot and do that and maybe i could but a) that still wouldn;t give me the tzevet experience i’m looking for b) i wouldnt have the time or freedom to build a tochnit and c) i do NOT want to be the person coming in to the summer, especially as an outsider, demanding to be with certain kids! That person sucks!

I’ve talked to Hannah and to Bekah about it and im trying to talk to the mads but if i don’t get madatz madricha it’s really hard to justify going to a new machaneh to be on tzevet ragil to myself and my mother, not when there is SO MUCH theatre over the summer

anyway we just had a kvutzah call about it - Hannah, Jess and Toviah are applying for MBI! Sara and Ari are thinking about gesher! but sara still only wants to come for one session? arron fine is applying for madatz at miriam and maybe gilboa but idk?

i do have an idea, that maybe if i don’t get madatz, i stay in the city, work in theatre over the summer and spend my free time facilitating the kvutzah. like everyone gets so busy and hyper focused over kayitz and i could be an eye in the sky, keeping everyone updated, helping people with resource gathering and editing peulot - i could still be involved while not missing a summer of opportunities

school: so things are a lot more overwhelming than i want them to be

‘cause i had a bad week at the end of january i feel behind and i still haven;t totally caught up and it’s coming to mid-semester and that’s gonna catch up with me

monologue study is a lot more work than i expected - just doing all the xfript work is taking much longer than i planned for - i /just/ finished making the Lists yesterday and I’ve been working on that for WEEKS. Luckily, we don’t actually have class this week so all that stuff is due after the break - unluckily, i can’t really do work over the break and that shit needs to get done - more on that later

however, my actual piece is looking really good and some of the warm ups and breathing exercises have helped so much! two classes ago we did these breath exercises and then went around and each said a central line from our pieces and i have never been so in the moment and real and in my breath than right then and now i have had a taste and want that always

we’ll be starting shakespeare after the break and i want to try something new, I love my Beatrice, but there is something to be said for repertoire building. Rosanna suggested looking into Rosalind  pieces from As You Like It and that’s promising. I might... try a Juliet? Like, idk if that’s worthwhile im just... not a Juiet, im never gonna be the ingenue, why try? but having something sweeter is definitely a goal, idk i looked at Rosalind pieces and i think there is something that catches my eye

scene study has a similar issue in that the written work is a lot more overwhelming and time consuming than i planned and that /is/ due next week so. however, rehearsals have been going AMAZING, we’re like 98% off book and have to focus on picking up the pace, sticking to tactics and not playing attitudes and getting the blocking a little more fine tuned. 

we had dress rehearsals tuesday and it was a WRECK. /no one/ was off book, a couple scenes were just /stopped/ midway through and everyone was off. then we went up, the only group who didn;t even once call for a line and who was actually on top of our shit. i admit, it felt kinda good to be the best. though, the bar was kinda low. 

I’m being mean, a lot of people had good moments and most of the scenes that derailed derailed ‘cause ONE particular person clearly didn;t have their shit together and it threw everyone off. 

Brandon and i rehearsed today and got pacing a little more down and he’s gonna come over sunday and do a final rehearsal before tuesday’s presentation!!

my elective has been a lot less interesting than i was hoping for, the classes are kinda boring but at least it’s pretty easy. HOWEVER, we did a field trip to city hall yesterday and THAT was fascinating! we got to sit in on the city council sessions as they were deciding the budget and it was! so! cool! that’s the room where it fucking happens. and like, we should all be more on top of local politics ‘cause that’s where the day to day shit gets figured out. i did a whole snapchat rant about it it’s good

fevergraph isn’t technically school but it’s been going really well - i got to get some emotional stuff out through the journeys and i’ve gotten my heart rate up a few times, last class is next week and i think i’m gonna look into maybe some voice lessons for the next half of the semester?

anyway: sunday i need to get all my fucking scene work done, monday i should record all my notes for my TOR midterm ‘cause tuesday im running around a lot and i need to study for that. monologue stuff will have to wait - that’ll be wednesday/thursday, cause thursday afternoon... i’m getting on a plane to israel

so, that’s happening. i kinda was just.., thinking about it.. and then jazz said that if i went she would go with me.. and then my parents said they’d give me 300 for the trip as a bday present.. and then i booked tickets. we’re still figuring out exact details in terms of where we’re staying when but i’ve e-mailed mona and paul and talia and the mads about it and we’re figuring it out

so, yeah... that’s happening. we’re gonna chill and see people and go read on the beach and i’m going to where nothing but dressed the whole time and i’m so fucking excited.

in the meantime, this week i have to get all this fucking work done, my birthday is this weekend!! (there’s gonna be cupcakes and whiskey and an entire afternoon of theatre!!!!) and we need to shove in ten thousand roommate interviews in there sometime

‘cause YEAH, updates on Murnau House: we still haven;t found a new person for the Room That Cannot Be Filled which is Annoying and the previous occupant has not been as ontop of finding a replacement as he said he would so Sam is leading the search, bless her

aaaand our fridge broke last week, again, and we lost a BUNCH of food, but due to my skills of being a polite and efficient BITCH thanks to my mum, we got a new one pretty quickly and that’s going fine.

the ken: we had a tubshvat carnival two weeks ago, some bogrimot came and volunteered, it went fine, but i wasnt as invested as i should’ve been - however, i did see Iris there!! whcih was nice, she’s gonna be chinuch at shomiria this summer and she did the habo/hashi birthright! very cool

then, sem. so, we had a tzevet of 7 for 40 kids, two of whom lefton the saturday night. aaron and yehuda of all people were on mitbach and the post mbiers were a big help. the schedule pretty much went out the window becuase we didn’t even get in till after midnight in friday due to the storm.

i did however get an entire busload of kids off the bus, to a rest stop and back on to the bus in FIFTEEN MINUTES ‘cause i’m amazing, we went to camp and the kids had fun even tho it was very Emotional for me, and we re focused on The Krinkle Project for messima, and even tho we didn;t do the vaad stuff i hoped for, i think we can move forward if i get my shit together enough. we also did kvutzah peulot that, even if they didn’t go /so/ great, i think brought important ideas and next steps into a lot of the kids minds about how to be stronger as a kvtzot

there was gonna be a katkateam this weekend but ido and i are both on vaccations so that’s been cancelled. there;s a purim party on the 5th that might launch our participation in Krinkle if we get that together. Mifgash with Tavor in March, spring sem in May, maybe one final event for messima and then... we’re done. at least. I am. I’m done. And I should be expecting a cheque from Shaul any day now.

friends: sima is interning on a CTV show and getting updates on the PM’s schedule in her work e-mail, and graduating soon

julia is kind’ve her usual mess but also starting to turn a profit in selling her embroideries on etsy, but idk if she has like a plan of any kind? and that worries me to a degree

mikki’s cosplay stuff is BOOMING and she’s back with Lou but... she’s still being kinda self destructive and i’m worried about her??

josh just finished a show and i haven;t talked to him in a while.... 

anna grace and natty are putting on a show that natty wrote!

i don’t ... have that many friends??

family: same pretty much. Alex is migrating in a month, they’re moving a little closer to me than i like but what can you do.

Batsheva was here, we had one of our Talks, i need to find a more permanent therapist to go deeper with once school is done. i should probably join a group... but that im where im at for as young as i am considering everything... im honestly on a pretty good track

my health: so, i doubt anyone is reading at this point so... the weekend after my fatigue flare up at the start of the month i had a suicidal episode. and i’ve only told my therapist

it was my first one in about a year, my worst one in two and over the dumbest thing since highschool .... just being overwhelmed by school work

like, two mays ago i had a really bad one ‘cause i couldn’t get myself to finish my Buddies piece, a year ago i had a much smaller one ‘cause of a HUGE fight with my dad and this was just... being overwhelmed.

and that’s what;s frustrating!! i guess it was frustration at my body and i hadnt eaten that well and i was a day away fro  my period and all that added up to curled into a ball trying desperately not to reach for a handful of my ciprilex and melatonin for most of that saturday??? which just like wtf

OTHER THAN THAT, my physical strength has actually been on an upswing since the start of the month and im feeling a lot more active. i have a cold this week but that’s just it being february and my immune system being shitty. thank god for cold 911

okay, it’s far too late. i gotta shower and sleep and this took about 10x longer than i planned for

it’s gonna be a hell of a week, and i have no idea when i can do this again, but wish me luck!