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ravenaveira · 5 years ago

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Ok, time for my review of Kh3 Re:Mind Dlc

This is gonna be long, so be prepared, and yes there will be many spoilers so if you dont want spoilers of the game then you probably shouldnt read this, but if you dont care then stick around.

I will start off with my unbiased and critical opinion.

From the title menu alone you already know what this game is gonna be about. Kairi is gonna be center focus, or should say specifically Sokai, and Riku will be virtually non existent.

Now I know what your thinking, well duh its all about saving Kairi of course Riku wont have that big a role and she’ll be the main focus, and to that I say no shit sherlock I already knew that. My issue isnt that it was Kairi focused because I already knew that and still pre-ordered the DLC, but my issue is what this title screen represents and my fears were proven correct.

Let me elaborate

Riku is just as much of a friend to Sora as Kairi is, from the beginning of the series its always been Sora, Riku, and Kairi, thats the way its ALWASY been. But from this title screen I could tell Riku’s bond with them wasnt gonna be present at all and I was right.

I’ll elaborate further

I know Im jumping way ahead here but bare with me, at the end of the game after Sora rescues Kairi they travel the worlds together, Sora notices he is fading away which is why he goes to the many different worlds he has visited but now with Kairi, spending his final moments with her before he finally disapears.

See the problem? Sora doesnt involve Riku at all in his final moments being alive, he is just completely absent during his entire remaining life. Sora only spends time with Kairi during his final moments, Riku wasnt shown with them once.

I know some people say well we dont know how long Sora was alive before vanishing and he was probably the one who organized the party, but did we see that though? did we see any signs that Sora was alive for more than a day or two? did we see Sora talking to anyone like he was setting anything up? NO, it was all about Kairi and Riku was completely forgotten.

I can understand if Sora wasnt dying then it wouldnt matter how much time he spends with Kairi alone, but Sora was fading away ANY SECOND and he didnt spend any of his remaining time with Riku at all, even at the beach party who is Sora sitting next to alone with before he finally vanishes? Kairi. That is inexcusable and a huge insult to Riku and his bond with Sora, hes just completely excluded, that is unforgivable.

These new added scenes to the ending actually made it worse than the original version of it, before we didnt even know Sora was around for more than a day and just assumed they all had a beach party afterwards to celebrate getting everyone back and saving the world, but now we know Sora was actually around for an extended period of time and made no effort to spend time with anyone other than Kairi, not even his best friend Riku did he spend time with for his final hours, that is despicable.

Another major issue is how Sora keeps saying his journey started with losing Kairi in this game, as if Riku wasnt ALSO lost that day, as if Riku wasnt the reason Sora kept on his journey even after saving Kairi and sending her back to Destiny Islands, as if he didnt fall to his knees and bawl his eyes out finally reuniting with him, as if he wasnt content with spending the rest of his life trapped in the Realm of Darkness with Riku, as if for the entirety of the base game of kh3 Sora wasnt constantly and only thinking about Riku and how many things he wished he could show him.

Apparently in Remind none of that happened, none of that mattered, it was Kairi that was his main motivation, it was Kairi that started his journey, Riku wasnt involved in it at all.

That is a huge issue with this DLC, it treats Riku like a side character and of little importance to Sora, in the base game they handled them fine minus that on instance in the Keyblade Graveyard where Sora says ‘Alone, Im worthless’ even though Riku’s right there but other than that their relationship and bond was handled very well but in Remind? practically non existent.

Now onto the story aspect, if your not into time travel and have trouble understanding the many variations of it then your gonna have a bad time because it gets VERY confusing to follow, which is why you should never introduce time travel because it becomes way too complicated to keep track of and not only that you also have to worry about things like paradoxes, ripples in time, alternate timelines etc. Its a complete clusterfuck to keep up with and manage so time travel really shouldnt have been introduced in this series.

Chirithy tells Sora that no matter what he cant change the past again, yet there are times where Sora does just that so exactly what cant he change? for example, when Roxas appears he asks Sora to do him a favor which is essentially getting the X back from Xemnas in their names. Sora does several things to make this happen and even Kairi gets a couple swings at Xemnas this time but then the two of them are basically caught and restrained inside shadow balls [pause]

See the prob? this is a huge change to that fight, Kairi never took a single swing at Xemnas, she just stood there and got snatched up, Roxas never asked Sora for help getting the X’s back from Xemnas, and Sora and Kairi never got restrained by Xemnas and knocked out.

Chirithy explicitly said Sora cant change what happened and no matter what he has to accept it for what it is, yet here he is, changing what happened. Maybe you could argue well this is an alternate timeline, even if it is that makes all of this irrelevant and means it never happened because the true ending is the one where it didnt happen, making this semi useful Kairi moment really pointless because at the end of the day its not canon, her being useless is the true outcome, none of this matters.

That is extremely disappointing, so even if you alter the past for the better it doesnt matter because its an alternate timeline and that timeline isnt the real one making this whole redo pointless and time consuming for a short DLC that was an extra 30$ to play.

So the time travel is very confusing and even if you follow it, it ends up being very disappointing when you realize none of it matters.

Moving on to some of the tied loose ends, Im glad they explained why Aqua froze up after saying ‘We stand together’ and I like how we get to see how Young Xehanort came to have the beliefs that lead to what he did and also MOMs subtle influence on him succumbing to darkness.

He told Xehanort that he would outgrow the robe and no longer need it because if he was truly powerful then he’d be the one controling the darkness, this leads to Xehanort later begining to travel without the robe and being corrupted. So we know now that MOM also influenced that as well and is very sketchy, even more now than he was before since this action greatly influenced what Xehanort eventually does and all the pain he caused, all of which would have probably never happened if it wasnt for him.

But thats just my theory and what I got from it.

I liked that we got to see Namine for a brief moment where Sora basically brushes her off and completely forgets about thanking her, this is a plotline Im pretty sure at this point is just never going to get resolved. He just tells her to go to the Final World and walks off, which makes no sense because Sora was surprised to see her in the original playthrough.

Another change was Lingering Will dying to protect Sora, again this never happened because Sora was busy fighting alongside everyone in the maze while Lingering Will and Terranort were fighting away from them. After Lingering Will died for him then Sora is pretty much squeezed to death by Terranorts Stand, or atleast knocked unconscious.

So much about these are just so confusing as to how they are happening when Chirithy said the events couldnt be changed I just stopped questioning it.

But atleast this time its made clear that Namine is the one who sent Lingering Will to help everyone and how she did it, so now people can stop saying Kairi is the reason everyone survived because it wasnt, without Lingering Will they would have all died a second time.

Basically the first half of the DLC is just recap with some minor changes and additions to the cutscenes, you get to play as other characters like Riku [optional] Aqua [not optional] and Roxas [optional] but other than that its basically the same thing all over again for the first 3-4 hours of the DLC, that is ridiculous.

The new content finally starts when Kairi is shattered, funny how the game gets good after Kairi dies xD I’ll stop.

Anyway once Kairi dies is when we finally get explorable Scala, but not without having to endure an insane fight with tons of heartless and nobodies and yes its more complicated than you think. It doesnt matter how many heartless or nobodies you kill, they will keep coming until you kill this one red heartless with way more health than your average heartless has.

After that you can pretty much wander around Scala as you wish and this is the only time where you can buy items or food so make sure to do that if your low on items. If your low on money there are minor enemies there that you can kill to get some so take advantage of this opportunity because your not getting another one.

Your goal in Scala is to basically run around, solve a couple puzzles, and get 5 of Kairi’s heart shards, revealed to having to be 7 later on. Sound fun? besides being able to see more of Scala’s layout, not really. But its a good place to take a breather before getting back into the big battles ahead.

Unfortunately your actually forced to fight the armored organization again but thankfully you dont have to do the ENTIRE final battle over, just that one section which I appreciate but wish we didnt have to do any of it at all.

So after we’re done Scala we get in MY opinion the two best parts of the entire DLC. We get to see what was going on with the rest of the keyblade wielders back home and it was INSANE and extremely well done, everybody had a chance to shine.

When everyone was swept away and Mickey was down and out, it was amazing seeing Mickey push himself back up and slowly with what little strength he had take on all the armor organization BY HIMSELF severely weakened, yet still powerful enough to hold them off and stand his ground. He really showed us WHY he is the King, so THAT I really enjoyed. It was extremely well done and one of the most memorable parts of the DLC.

The next part was even more insane and well done, which is us getting to fight as all the keyblade wielders against the armored organization and even get some cool dialog and team attacks in between, it was just amazingly well done seeing everyone work together and switching between characters was just so epic and enjoyable.

Honestly I could play those two parts over and over again and enjoy it everytime, their just that good and the most memorable in the entire DLC.

Coming back with Kairi and killing Xehanort together with all the keyblade wielders including Kairi this time was satisfying to see but it excludes Xehanorts and Eraquses final words, I mean yea seeing Xehanort have a semi happy ending put off alot of people but at the same time, seeing Xehanort come to the realization that he was wrong about everything and giving the Wayfinder trio closure by seeing their master one last time and hearing his apology to them just held more weight to me.

Im not saying I think Xehanort should be redeemed as easily as he was, but I feel like excluding Eraqus and their final words made the ending feel hollow, just ok we beat the bad guy, happily ever after now. Thats pretty lackluster and unsatisfying In my opinion.

Finally the ending....

Heres where Im gonna be biased and give my personal thoughts. Warning if your a fan of Kairi skip to the very end of the review where I give my overall rating

I hate the ending, for the reasons I listed in the beginning but also many others. I get the main focus was gonna be Kairi since the DLC was about saving her, Im not mad about the obvious, Im mad about the execution.

The Sokai agenda was so forced and apparent its not even funny, they shove it in your face so hard yet when Sora is talking with Chirithy he still refers to Kairi as a friend, really? your shoving this pairing down our throats just to have Sora still friendzone her? Im not mad because I dont want them together anyway but I hate the games being played here, you either want them together or you dont, pick a friggin side Nomura.

And while we’re on the subject, I hate, HATE, how this game is so heavily romance focused when Kingdom Hearts was NEVER about romance to begin with, it was always about friendship and bonds. Not in this DLC though, no now its all about Kairi and being with her forever, traveling the world together, holding hands, all this lovey dovey nonsense nobody invested in the plot could give a rats behind about.

Sure people who are into Kingdom Hearts for the romance of course they dont mind, but Im pretty sure MOST people invested in this series are in it for the story, not some stupid pairing, and I HATE how much they shove it down your throat because it is just so forced and obvious what they were doing.

This was all damage control for Kairi, who has been a useless damsel in distress and dues ex machina in every single game shes been a part of. I repeat, EVERY SINGLE GAME SHES A PART OF.

Kh1 - Kidnapped, unconscious, Sora needs to die to save her.

Kh2 - Kidnapped, held hostage, Sora needs to find and save her.

Kh3 - Kidnapped, unconscious, is killed twice, Sora needs to die to save her.

Do you see what I fricken mean? Every fuckin game its the same danm thing over and over and quite frankly Im sick of it. You might as well say this is a Mario game because Kairi is princess Peach always gettin snatched up and Sora is Mario always going through insanely deadly trials to get her back, and then it happens all over again.

This DLC was damage control for that, instead of immediately getting snatched up by Xemnas she actually gets a few good swipes at him to no avail of course, and then she fights together with Sora against armored Xehanort, all of which is just damage control for her not doing anything in the entire franchise and pandering to her fanbase that are constantly screeching for playable Kairi and for her to do something.

It was also damage control for how non existent their relationship was and what a joke its been since Kh1. They arent fooling anybody because thats exactly what this was, otherwise why you have to try so hard to CONVINCE us how important she was to Sora? why did Riku have to get sidelined so much just to boost Kairi up? why’d Sora completely disregard Riku as a part of his journey? why did Sora not spend ANY time with ANYONE for his final moments alive? its so obvious why. The only way to convince anyone shes actually important and relevant is to play down everyone else or exclude them entirely.

Congratulations, you got your wish, good for you fandom, but at what cost?

The time they spent forcing so much Sokai could have been used to tie up way more loose ends than there were but nope, gotta squeeze in that Sokai, thats what yall really here for right? fuck off.

The two best moments of the game was so short lived its not even funny, this DLC was full of so much padding in the first half, forced romance and pandering for damage control they forgot to actually make this a decent DLC.

Since I recorded my gameplay from start to finish I can actually tell you the amount of old content vs the new

3-4 hours of mostly what we already seen with a few changes, I only died twice

1-2 hours of new content, probably less because I got lost and died alot

That is unacceptable, 30$ for only 10% new content? that is a robbery.

Not only that but the worst part is the Limitcut episode, databattles have always been optional for competative players who like the challenge. Now you are FORCED to fight these INSANELY hard bosses, all 13 in order to get the final bits of the aftermath of the story.

WE PAID FOR THIS, this wasnt free we PAID for it and yet we’re basically told ‘Hey if your a casual player and want the rest of the story? well you gotta fight 13 of these insanely hard databattles that used to be optional but now their madatory for you to get the rest of your moneys worth. Too difficult? cant do it? well too danm bad, get good or go home we got your money already so screw you guess you’ll never know’

That is a fucking robbery and a huge slap in the face to people who are invested in the story, not proving their the best by fighting insanely difficult battles no matter what difficulty your on. It wouldnt be an issue if this was always the case, but these battles were always OPTIONAL for competetive players to do if they WANTED to, but now its mandatory and if you cant do it then oh well middle finger to you.

I couldnt even beat Vanitas, I fought him first and then Luxord and I couldnt beat either of them so I just said fuck it and went on youtube to see what I paid to see for free. 30$ wasted on a game I cant even finish, your out of your fucking mind if you think thats fair and excusable.

Thats why at the end of the day I give it a 5/10, its not good but its not bad either, its just decent. But if you asked me if it is worth the time and money? fuck no, my advice? watch other youtubers play it and keep your 30$

If you want it just to play as some of the characters, experience the new content for yourself, and play the databattles then by all means get it.

But if you think thats not enough for you to spend 30$ for then dont get it.

Overall Re:mind gets a 5/10, useless padding for majority of the first half of things we’ve already seen and cant skip because theres new scenes mixed in, forced romance that nobody but shippers care to see, severely lacking new content, and unfair extremely hard mandatory databattles just to see the final aftermath of the story which is kind of important setup for the next game.

Fuck this DLC, this was my fist time EVER buying a DLC for ANYTHING and thanks to this its probably my last. So thank you Re:Mind, for ReMinding me why I never bought DLCs in the first place.

Ps - Im so glad playable Kairi was optional, thats one of the only things this DLC did right.

#kh3 remind spoilers #kh3 #kingdom hearts 3 #anti-sokai #anti-kairi

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talkingtomyselfblog · 6 years ago

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mourning journal 3

Agh! My apple AirPods ran out of charge! A new challenge I will need to be mindful of I guess. Here we go with another stream of consciousness. i watched the new cartia mallan vlog this morning and i am just so obsessed with HER-- like her aura, her style, her humor, her love for adventure, she has such amazing vibes. keep typing sheila keep typing you just arent getting into this like you thought you would you just need to keep typing. im going to yoga today! which will be fun. im wearing heals today that might be uncomfortable we’ll see. ive been thinking lately about love, in like a lonely way lol. idk. i want to feel it. im at home and dont feel love like i think others feel it. i dont feel comfortable at home. at least, not fully. and idk. i want a companion. but like, i havent felt anything close to that in a while. sometimes i think about my ny guy but i convince myself he never thinks about me. i guess this is all my doing though. lets rewrite that. i bet my ny guy thinks about me. hes probably sad the moments gone like i am. and i do feel love at home. its unique and im lucky enough to experience it. i am grateful. i am grateful for the trees which give us so mcuh. im thankful for the opportunity i have to work in san francisco. I am grateful for my parents who love me so much they dont know how to handle it. i am grateful for my brother who tries his best. i am grateful for my introspection. i am grateful for the bart, which is saving me all the gas money. im thanksful for the friends i do have. im grateful for all the love i recieve. im thankful for nature for giving me so much love and comfort and beauty. so ive been thinking about looking more into wicca. idk it just kind of feels right to me.... like a religion worshipping nature feels safe to me. and it embodies all ive been thinking about lately, with my facination with tarot cards and crystals and yoga...idk it came to me and it makes sense. i appreciate this time ive been given to be alone because it has forced me to look at what i love and what facinates me. i can say i have a hobby and passions which was missing . before. so i hope to really go al in and doing the necessary research to feel comfortable with it all. i want to really know astrology and i want to be able to confidently give a tarot card reading and i want to know when to use what crystal and talk about them to other people with ease. i hope really diving into the things i love will help me meet someone who i vibe with. because i do love myself dont get me wrong...but i wanna experience life with someone else. not just anyone. but having company sounds nice. ugh i was about to stop tyoing but realized im not even car sick thank god so i should keep going! work has been good. stressful but good. i hope i make friends soon. but i also dont want to rush it. idk. i guess i am really fucking lonely man. i still think about the friends ive left behind and am really fucking proud of my strength because why interact with people that probably arent thinking the same thing abut you and probably dont think about you nearly as often as you think about them (hence the reason you broke up with them in the first place) im so sick of the toxicity i jsut want to meet someone where its so easy to get along and we just mesh and understand each other and i dont care who it is i dont need a romantic partner i just need a partner and if its romantic or sexual then thats a bonus but i dont want to be closed off to any ideas. i also think about how no one in the family who is under 32 is talking to me. makes me feel like im, diffoicult to get along with, or i really get under peoples skin. and it really hurts when its familty. becaue they are suposed to love you for who you are, unconditionally. but not even the americans are cabable of doing that. its really sad and i dont htink theres much i can do about it cause its their problem. im great. and if you dont want me. thats your loss. its your loss. im fantastic. im funny, im clever, im introspectiive and philolo[hical so can hold a great conversation. im pretty, im fun, im always down to try new things. i am cabable of loving so har.d im a catch. i know why peoiple have an . issue and its just because we edont work out rightn now in our lives. things will work out when they work out and i just need to be patient and take things as they come. stop dwelling in the past stop thinking about the future just focus on the now. how do i feel right now? im a bit tired but ready for the day. im so grateful for this seat i was able to find on bart. im grateful for this opportnity to write my thoughts down. and im so happy i stuck with it because this felt good :) omg someones storing behind me LOL. things i want to manifest this year are moving out and going to columbia to visit yvonne. thats all i would liek to manifest. and i missed the eclipse and im so sad about that. i want to meet more people into this stuff to maybe help me remenber important dates like that. nbuut i alwso want to be able oto remember on my own. i just need to keep reading sheila. you need to jeep reading because you are more than capable of becoming comfrotabel with this knowledge on your own. i know youve alwasy taken the easy way and not help as much responsibility when it comes to learning probably due sto insecurity and your inferiority complex given to you through emotional abuse in your household. but you can do it. especially now. because you are so grwon and have really learned from so much that has happened. im so freaking proud of you. IM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU SHEILA!1!! you have gone through so much and i know it. i see it. i see you, and i love you.

#mourningjournal3

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kaywritesthings · 8 years ago

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Breaks hearts like Gaston [Past para]

The bar was messy. Gaston was in a mood. Belle had just rejected him and he was tossing beers back. I had the bartender water them down. He wouldnt know. I was exhausted. He kept me busy. Then he wanted me to sit beside him as he talked. I didn't mind. I loved siting beside him. It always made me feel.. warm? Warm.

I put my hand on his arm. A few men came in from getting wood and rolling in kegs of beer for the bar. I looked up smiling at them. "Thanik you." I said because I knew Gastion wouldnt. I went behind Gaston. I took his hair, and undid the pony tail. I combed his hair out and started to comb his beautiful hai. I leaned in to smell his hair when he wasnt paying attention.

Tee Anderson 9:39 pm I still wasn't precicely sure why I came to this bar every night. Lately it had seemed like more of a lesson in torture than anything else. All I wanted was some hint of notice from LeFou, but most of the night I would drink and watch him fawn over Gaston like he was some kind of diety.

I had such high hopes when they both came back from the war. I hadn't been able to go- my father had died recently and the farm wouldn't have survived without me- and it had ached every day, knowing that the boys I had cared about were out fighting and I was stuck at home. It wasn't boys though, I knew that, even then. It was LeFou.

And he was back and now I should be able to...to something. Something nameless and indescribable. But it was gone from me now. It was in the ether. And now I was drinking a beer and watching LeFou braid Gaston's hair. It was terrible to watch. I looked over and sighed, resting my hand lightly on my chin before forcing myself not to be obvious. I ordered another drink and went up to him. "I see you haven't had a pint yet," I said softly and set it near LeFou's arm.

Kay 9:46 pm "Do you think I came on too strong?" He asked LeFou. "No, Gaston. I thinkkkk belle has an eye problem. She has no taste. " He sang. "I mean, if I was Belle. I could not resist you." Gaston sighed. "LeFou if you were a girl, you'd be a pretty ugly one." LeFou shrugged. He looked up when Stanley brought a pint of beer. He stopped braiding Gaston's hair to turn to STanley.

"Thank you. ' I mouthed to Stanley. Watered down? I was tryin desperatly to keep Gaston from getting too drunk. Gaston sighed. He looked back to see me focused on another man. "LeFou. Come here.' He said. I stood up and ran over to him. I got in front of him. He grabbed my hand and had me sit in front of him. He rubbed my cheek. "I apperciate everything you do, and if you could get me a steak sandwich." I stood up. "Yes. I was about to say you should have one." I laughed. I slid by Stanley to run to the grill next door for the best sandwich for Gaston.

Tee Anderson 9:52 pm Stanley let out a soft sigh, as he went closer, hating to hear their converstaions. Sometimes they were just annoying but tonight felt particularly awful. There was no way that LeFou could be ugly, regardless of if he was a woman or man. At least as far as Stanley was concerned. But he knew he couldn't say it. He'd get made fun of again, and Stanley was so tired of it...

He sighed and pursed his lips. "You're welcome," he said softly in reply. And then, amost reading LeFou's mind, he added, softly, amlost into LeFou's ear, "It's for you." He was about to say more, but stopped when Gaston spoke again. Gaston was always talking, or grabbing or being particularly obnoxious. And LeFou just took it. It made Stanley let out a frustrated breath and he moved past LeFou and grabbed his arm. "I'll do it," he said. "You don't have to do every single thing. I can make a sandwich. Go sit down. Have a drink."

Kay 9:58 pm LeFou heard Stanley. He had no idea why Stanley wanted to be the best one here. He felt like Stanley was trying to take his place. he wanted to be mad, but then Stanley had never looked at him that way before. He let out a squeak. "He's very particular abut the cut of sandwich, and the bread.. I know what he likes." I whispered back, not trying to start a fight. I knew Stanley wanted to prove his devotion to Gaston. "Show me the sandwich before you give it to him." I hinted. I sat down with a beer. Gaston did not turn back to see if I had left or not. He had a couple of girls around him trying to get him to come home with them. He huffed and sent them away. I smiled at that. HA! I sipped on my beer, which made me drink all of it. I had never really had a beer to myself without requests from Gaston

Tee Anderson 10:02 pm Stanley sighed. He felt some resistance even when he was trying to help LeFou. It made him feel something desperate crawling at the inside of his chest. He just wanted to be his friend. His friend, he assured himself. Nothing more. "Then maybe stay with me and tell me what he likes," Stanley said, surprising himself a little. "Pull up a chair and have a drink, please," he started to say and then sighed when LeFou went back out to Gaston. Stanley hoped at least he was getting a break from being the errand boy. He made a sandwich- two of them, because LeFou deserved to eat too- and then broguht it out to LeFou. "Did I do okay?" he asked, letting LeFou look over the plate. "The other one is for you."

Kay 10:06 pm I saw him with two sandwiches. Good idea. IF one didn't work. I opened the sandwiches. One cut of meat had more fat and less muscle meat. I took a knife and cut the trim off the meat. He liked in a circle shape. He liked sour dough bread. I removed the bread from anotehr sandwich and gave him the better bread. I grabbed a ganish type leaf to put on the side, and took a pickle as I cut it in four long pieces. He fanned out the pickles. He sighed and sniffed the meat to make sure it was good. He smiled and closed the sandwich and handed it off to Stanley. He took the less of the two sandwiches and glanced at it with a happy expression. He was hungry, but he usually forgot that when he was taking care of Gaston. "There, take it to him. He'd be so happy!"

Tee Anderson 10:10 pm Stanley hadn't been sure what to expect, but he didn' expect LeFou to take apart nearly everything and reconstruct it. It made something in Stanley's heart hurt. He just wanted to do something to ease LeFou's burden but he wasn't sure he had. Stanley stood around awkwardly. "Maybe next time you should stay with me and show me how-" he started to say and then trailed off. "Well. I.... you can take it to him," he said finally. "I was just...I wanted you to take a break." Stanley flushed and pusehd the plate back to him and then head back over to the bar, feeing foolish.

Kay 10:21 pm LeFou felt terrible. He ran after Stanley. "Wait, please. Thank you. I really appreciate it. I had a beer for the first time and it was nice. My feet are so damn tired, my back hurts. I really .. mean it when I say thank you." He closedhis eyes and felt tears in it. He turned away from Stanley. "Gaston needs the support and I am thankful he has friends like you to do so. He really will need all of us tonight.;' HE leaned against the wall of teh bar, he was so tired. But he could do this. "LEFOU." He heard Gaston call out. He stood up and stumbled into the bar

Tee Anderson 10:26 pm Stanley was surpised to hear LeFou come after him, and just that fact made his heart pound, just a little bit. He turned and offered LeFou a smile. It was too tender at first, and then he remembered he was supposed to be manly and drew himself up a little more. "Thank you. But don't worry about it," he said and then clapped LeFou's shoulder, trying so hard to make it friendly and not overly affectionate. It was so hard to know the line. "I think Gaston is fine," he said, trying to be hopeful. "You aren't in charge of his moods-" Stanley started to say feeling the annoyance grow when he heard Gaston's voice. "Did you eat?" he started to ask, but then LeFou was already stumbling away. Stanley groaned and ordered another beer.

Kay 10:37 pm Dick pulled Stanley to come drink with them. He liked when all three of them were together. LeFou ate a big bite of his sandwich. Gaston had a few bites in his, but was finished. He told LeFou he could have the rest. Lefou ate his sandwich just to please Gaston and make Gaston feel like he wasn't rejecting his gift. He was just thankful for a meal, even though Stanley made him a meal. He finished his meal. "I bet yuo liked that, you always like to eat, LeFou. It's so easy to reward you.' He smiled

Lefou felt like it was a low blow complement. They usually were. "WEll, Food is good." He smiled, alwasy glad to be the butt of the joke. He looked over to see Stanley with his two friends. He really liked Stanley's style, but was nver able to really tell him that.

Tee Anderson 10:40 pm Stanley sat next to Dick and sipped from another pint, telling himself over and over again not to worry about LeFou. He couldn't keep looking over there. He needed to stop that, it wasn't...there was something wrong about it. He could hear his father's voice in his head and knew it was something he would label as wrong.

But he looked over again anyway, and for a moment, caught LeFou looking back. Stanley smiled and lifted his glass, but then felt a little stupid and turned away. LeFou didn't care. Did he? Maybe he was looking because he and Gaston were making fun of his sandwich. Maybe it was that.

Kay 10:50 pm LeFou heard him talk about Belle and wanting to have babies and why wouldn't she want that. LEfou sighed and went to rub his shoulders. He needed to give Gaston some encouragement. The beer Stanley handed him over was getting into his brain cells. He found a second wind. "Gosh it disturbs me to see you Gaston, looking so down in the dumps. Every guy here would like to be you gaston, even when taking your lumps." I thought maybe if I sang (added on with my own words) his theme song we sang at the bar after his hunting trips..

"There is no man in town, that's admire as you.." HE sang out loudly. He knew people probably were drunk and maybe would join. Lefou could only hope. Lefou knew that he had a good voice, sohe wanted to use that.. He seem to have their attention"No ones slick as Gaton, no one is quick Gaston." He got on the table and grabbed a man's neck to prove his next line. "Thick as Gaston.." He posed sexy, since he felt sexy as the girls sang.

Tee Anderson 10:55 pm Stanley turned back to his beer, telling himself to focus just on that and not anything else. Not on the fact that he could see LeFou massaging Gaston's shoulders out of the corners of his eyes. Which made him feel a flare of jealously and wonder. He wondered what LeFou's fingers would feel like on the back of his neck and then chided himself for even thinking about it.

He kicked back some more beer and then felt some internal sort of groan when he heard the music kick up. Stanley had such conflicting feelings when it came to the song. He loved watching LeFou. His voice was so beautiful and Stanley loved the way that LeFou draped himself on tables around the bar, but he also hated singing about Gaston. He wasn't really into it, ever, but then he wanted to impress LeFou too, to maybe get noticed more. The whole thing was so conflicting. But either way, he was watching LeFou with a clench in his gut.

Kay 11:03 pm LeFou went over to the bar to get back up encouragement. "You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stannnleeeyyy." He pointed at Stanely and winked. "And they will tell you what team.." He got on the bar and sat down. "they prefer to be on." He turned tom and dicks head, and reached over to slap Stan's head to pay attention and remember the lyrics he wrote. He could see they looked a bit lost, and did dart motion to remind them, and then clapped his hand with a smile and tapped his heart. They seem to get the lyrcis after that.

Tee Anderson 11:15 pm Stanley tried to tell himself that he wouldn't get sucked into it this time. That he wouldn't let himself get carried away in celebrating a man he pretty much despised. But LeFou was compelling, despite it. He looked away, a frown on his face, telling himself again, that he wouldn't give in. But then he felt a slap on the back of his head and startled. He knew who's fingers it had to be and looked back, something in his heart jolting. He saw LeFou draw his hand back and felt a racing to his heart. He knew the words to the song, but he forgot them for a moment, looking at LeFou in a sort of wonder for a second before giving himself over to it. LeFou had touched him. His mouth was singing the words but he wasn't thinking about them. He was looking at LeFou and trying to figure out what it all meant.

Kay 11:26 pm LeFou danced on the table. If anyting, singing out loud and making a fool of himself made him feel better. He even had Gaston singing along. He did let a insult slip. "There is no oen as easy to boaster as you!!!!!" He didnt mean to let his thoughts slip out. OOPs. "Too much?" He felt gaston squeezed his hand in warning of a talk later. "YUP." He didn't care, he kept singing. He got on the table as much as he could and sang his heart out. There was always something so theraputic about singing with a bar of people. It almost made him feel .. happy.

Tee Anderson 11:35 pm Stanley hated how conflicted he felt, wanting to watch LeFou dance and display his talents to the best of his abilities, and the equal urge to try to find somewhere to hide and lick his wounds. He wanted to be the one getting that close to LeFou, to be the one that was cherished enough to have a song written about him. It made something clench in his chest to see how casually Gaston would dismiss the gift that was being so close to LeFou. And LeFou did look...happy. Content. And that was good. Even if it meant Stanley had to keep playing along to something he didn't feel in hie heart.

Kay 11:43 pm He sang the song with his heart and felt better. He could tell it madeGaston happy. Gaston was in good spirits and took a colored girl home. He dismissed Lefou.Lefou was sort of glad he was indeed dismissed. He left to go to the lake and swim in it. It always did something wonderous to his back and aching muscles. He would spend hours just massaging and working on his voice.

Tee Anderson 11:46 pm Stanley sat back down at the bar again when the song was over and told himself again that he wasn't getting drawn back into it. He ordered another beer and shot it down quickly, letting out a soft sigh. He saw Gaston on his way out, and saw LeFou about to leave too, and stood, thinking about going after him. But Tom put his hand on his shoulder and he stopped. He sighed and sat back down again. It was probably for the best. LeFou didn't need him.

Kay 11:48 pm AWW GO AFTER HIM jk no shut up me i didnt mean to press ente rhah

Kay 11:50 pm LeFou fell asleep face ni the mud. It was so warm and comfortable. He knew Gaston wouldn't let him in the house with a woman friend over. He never understood what they did in the house. He just knew sometimes he had to break their hearts for Gaston. Tell them it was over and they had to move on. The saddest thing LeFou ever had to do for Gaston is send a pregnant woman by Gaston away. He hated that. She insisted it was Gaston's, but Lefou told her to go away. He felt scuh guilt with what he had to do for Gaston. He woke up to horse hoofs on his face. "Lefou, get up this once. why are you in the mud?" Lefou was butt naked in a body shape of mud around his body, and water up to his hips.The horse kicked mud in his face, and Gaston laughed. "Wash up.. we have to go."

Tee Anderson 11:56 pm Stanley's life was rather boring and predictable when it came down to it. He went from being hyper aware of everything when LeFou was around, and back to feeling like life was dull and colorless when he wasnt. It was like moving through some very thick mud, and never getting out of it. He had drinks until he was as drunk as his friends, and then stumbled home. He slipped into his small run down cabin and slept on the floor next to the woodstove, knowing he would have to wake with the sun to tend the cows and see if he could harvest any of the crops. It was endless, day in day out, and the only think he could hope for was to see LeFou in some errant moments at the bar.

Kay 12:04 am The next few hours were me doing hard word and again dismissing girls who wanted him. I got washed up and cleaned. I even had time to eat breakfast, of course when I ate. Gaston liked to say how fat I was, but encouraged me to keep eating. He even gave me more eggs. He seem to like me fat. That night we were sitting around the fire in the bar. I was sitting on Gaston's arm rest when Maurice came in shouting about a beast. I was worried abou tMaurice, and Belle. even if she was a funny girl, she had been away for a while. I was prou dof Gaston when he said he wanted to help, but realized why he wanted to help. To ask for Belles hand.. ohh. I looked at Stanley, I felt his staring at me as we left to search for a "beast"

Tee Anderson 12:11 am Stanley found himself where he always did after another long day working, sitting right back at the bar as he usuall did. Sitting next to Tom and Dick and trying not to be too interested in what exactly LeFou was doing to fawn over Gaston again. Today he was feeling a little down, so it was eaiser to focus on the bottom of his mug. He did lift his head when he heard someone raving. Stanley was so concerened with keeping his head down that it starteld and frightened him when someone else did. He wanted Maurice to be quiet just because he was bringing to much attention to himself, and they way to get by was to be quiet. There were so many ways to be wrong and talking that loudly about anything was wrong. He knew that. And he knew that nothing good would come from it. And his heart clenched when he saw LeFou going out with him. A part of him wanted to follow, just to watch ove rhim, but what excuse would he have? None. There was no good explaination. So he sat back down, and frowned deeply into his beer.

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crystalwitch-in-the-tardis · 8 years ago

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Got called out by my deck again...

But in a pep talk way. She really likes to do that; “like here’s your problem, now get your shit together! lol <3 you”

So I have been feeling really stuck lately and then I get an amazing call yesterday for an interview at the local metaphysical store, which I really hope I get, but then today has been another shit show at work and I’ve been feeling like I just need to go out on my own and just suck it up and pay rent and do laundry at home. Be my own boss has been sounding sweeter and sweeter the past 2 years I’ve been doing this full time. So I found this awesome spread by @balsme that I used to figure out what’s going on with me here at this job and why I’ve been so hesitant about going out on my own and just what’s going on with me with all this bottled up frustrations.

This was what I got (at work so sorry for the cluttered picture):

Card 1- The cork, what’s keeping card 5 trapped:

9 of swords- my own anxieties, fears, inability to move forward and weather the storm, inner turmoil. Which all is very correct, I’m alwasy worried I won’t be able to make ends meet and rent on time by myself without having someone else book people and answer phones and promote me.

Card 2- what you need to keep an eye out for, the negative repercussions that this reveal will give you:

The Chariot- fast movement, triumph over obstacles, focusing intent and will, assuming the reigns of power and authority, control. So being my own boss? Or the fact that now this is out in the open it makes me want to leave even sooner and that might be a bad thing, I might need a slower transition?

Card 3- the positives that will come to light with this reveal:

Queen of Wands- dedicated, engaged and attractive, cheerful, confidence and knowledge, is masterful and joyful in her mastery of her craft. So I will be happier and more joyful able to grow and enjoy my mastery of my craft?

Card 4-What you should do to work on the negatives of card 2, how to move further through them:

The High Priestess- wisdom, knowledge, learning, intuition. So I need to keep expanding and working on my knowledge, intuition and learning to work through the tumultuous energy of the Chariot and to start taking the reigns of my own power in my hands. ?

Card 5- The central issue, the thing that needs to be let out into the light:

The Magician- original, creativity, skill, will power, self-confidence, dexterity, creation/manifestation, manipulate the world to create what you want/need. So I need to come more fully into this role, I need to be more self confidant and trust myself, bring about my own changes through manifestation and creating my own world the way I want it.

Card 6- How the positives found in card 3 will inform and shape and improve your life:

The Devil- So I’m taking this to mean that this will help me overcome my loss of independence and enslavement to my anxieties and fears and desires. The devil will no longer play on my desires and fears, I will be free of self imposed blocks.

To me this seems like a good reading. Another pep talk saying look you need to stop obsessing over your fears and anxieties, you need to start focusing on the good and take control of your life and where you want to be. The Magician has been popping up a lot this month and I wonder if this is a sign that I need to start making my own way in this world. I do not need to be a subcontractor but my own boss, and I need to start focusing on more spiritual aspects (the high priestess) and happiness (the Queen of wands) and stop worrying about things (the 9 of swords and the devil). That things may happen quickly and I will have to be confident in my own desires and picking up the reigns of power and responsibility for myself instead of handing those over to others.

If anyone has any further insights or corrections in my reading I would greatly appreciate to hear them!

#tarot community #tarot reading #personal #any further advice?

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xottzot · 6 years ago

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2018--SEPT-19th-2018-Wednesday--later---more stuff Ive had to deal with in relation to this hellhole making my life HELL.

ABSOLUTELY NOBODY...NOBODY...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT ORGANISATION OR SERVICE OR ANYTHNG...NOBODY BELIEVES ME.

I'm an honest, caring person, a TRUTHFUL person, a person who supprts charities for those less fortunmate in a range of ways but NONE of that counts for ANYTHING IN MY HELL OF A LIFE...MADE WORSE IN THIS HELLHOLE....EVEN RIGHT DOWN TO WHERE I LIVE IN THIS HELL.....

Dear Fliss exprienced some of that herself when she was here with me for a decade or so......

And then SHE had a terrible physical and mental breakdown....part of what she ALREADY had BEFORE I ever met her.....

AND I GOT THE BLAME !?!? - I ALWASY GET THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING...BLOODY EVERYTHING....EVERY DAMNED THING...EVERYTIME EVEN WHEN I DO NOTHING AT ALL I GET BLAMED FOR NOTHING TO DO WITH ME......

AND EVERYTIME I DARE TRY TO BE ENGAGED IN ANYTHING....I ALWASY END UP SUFFERING AT MY EXPENSE.....

AND...dear Sm and dear Max always end up suffering....

Oh,...but YOU don't want to know abou any of that do you......

And all the criminals and shitheads about this hellhole still keep PROSPERING and GETTING REWARDED....even without trying.......

In my huge blog contents that I myself voluntarily deleted from Tumblr to preserve my safety, dear Fliss's safety, and those of our loved ones...I detailed almost DAILY teh shit that was going on in just a coupel of years or so....but I also details the YEARS of shit (and criminal shit) that assailed poor dear Fliss and myself with us being the victims....and we were NEVER EVER BELIEVED...and I'm STILL not ever believed.....

And dear Fliss's family and friends only ever believes the damaged memories of dear Fliss medically proven damaged brain andd memory and damaged body....all that and the terrible to dear Fliss thyroiditis and all the other things of dear Fliss they keep SECRET from everyone and so use me as a fall-guy for everything that's wrong with her. - And so she she waltzes along blithely unwares in her life and they keep covering up everything to cover her and themselves.

So you can see that I appreciate worthy causes for charity and I have always done so all my life. Dear Fliss I deeply love as a person, not as a bundle of affictions wrapped up in her unfortunate body and mind. That's not who she is.

All of her conditioens wwere kept alwasy secret from everyone else, even from fellow job workers, even from dear Fliss's deepest friend Cath in Queensland. (Cath STILL does not believe me and has broken off all contact with me, depsite seeing for herself dear Fliss's current state of terrible existance...and how much better dear Fliss was with me.

Dear Fliss and I were always struggling financially, which brought a great deal of undeserved stress to us both. She kept blaming herself for any and everything. I kept saying she did NOT have responsibilty for all the terrible things in life asailing us both. - So MANY MANY OTHERS were exploiting us both on so many levels.

And dear Fliss's family and parents just kept blaming me....because it suited the narrative they were forever pushing to any and everyone.

I have never met a family more aligned to misinformation and misdirection and outright lies as they travel in life and bring others into life. Much of it all is for their own reasons and privacy. And I have ALWAYS respected that.

But to anyone else outside....they have NO FUCKING IDEA...NONE AT ALL...and so others just keep falling into the same bullshit lines they have been told to believe from them.

But I still love dear Fliss and want to be with her.

And so I am still suffering.......

So in effect, to all thse reading this except dear Fliss, YOU should NEVER EVER EVER give your trust to others because you will ALWAYS be betrayed and YOU will suffer....but NEVER by me dear Fliss. I've stuck with you through terrible times, when all others abandoned you, even your own family, your friends, your work collegues, your job employers...strangers, officials, demi-god officials....., people in the street, horrendous faceless people on the internet.......the list goes on far more than anyone knows.....

----------------------------------------------------

Sorting out some of this home lottery stuff this morning touched on all of that......but I kept things private as much as I could......

And the person I was talking to was aghast at what I told them, even the smallest amount of it all.....

And I said, "Now you now why I wanted and deserved to win that grand pize of the new house away from here to live......and that (by a cruel and terrible invisible hand of fate) I am never ever allowed to win such a thing no matter how many entries in all sorts of things I have been doing all my life."

The person at first thought I was declining the meagre prizes I'd won in relation to winning that new house and land away from this hellhole, but they soon came to realise (I hope) that exactly what I've been telling people for countless years in my life in that nothing good ever happens to me and I always suffer and nobody believes it because it sounds like I'm cursed or something to them, it's too out of their sphere of understanding to WANT to believe it. And so they also fear it 'catching' to them....

----------------------------------------------------

As I've said countless times, I'd write a book but NOBODY would believe all the shit that's gone on in my shitty life, and so much of it all I had NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AT ALL other than being a victim of so many things.

I love YOU dear Fliss and want to be with YOU.

I have been in terrible pain again. So has dear Max. And to a lesser extent but no less terrible has poor Sam been. And your dear chicken here Fliss.

And of course nobody believes me.

And so I'm so contantly saying to the terrible world...fuck you world!

I love YOU dear Fliss and want to be with YOU.

Imbecile is due to return with absolute shit and diseases to spread and he will also be wont to cause me and poor Sam and poro Max terrible HELL as well in any way that he can. And he will be ANGRY and violent and do shit.....and NOBODY will believe me......

I love my dear brother and have tried to protect him all my life far more than he knows at all. But he is not very intelligent and he relishes being that way and considers hinmself far beyond me in intelligence but is so utterly wrong....and has been wrong all our lives.

I've cared for him all my life and protected him.....though in his mind he reverses everthing so he can alwasy think in his mind that he is always superior against me, against all others.

Dear Fliss saw all this for herself. SHE KNOWS. - And so he HATED her for KNOWING.

I love YOU dear Fliss and want to be with YOU.

-------------------------------------------

Oh look...Tumblr is fucking me around AGAIN.....and so is the internet....AGAIN......FFS......

Those around in this hellhole are also not so innocent believe me.....

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xottzot · 7 years ago

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2018-03(FEB)-Tuesday-6th--to Fliss--Ive been wrongly blamed for Felicity Ann Carthew's mental breakdown caused by others.

I want to make this absolutely clear to the entire damned world, I got viciously blamed for Fliss's mental breakdown caused by others and BP, and then later her other workplace fuckwit employees and employers shit, and thereafter by any number of shitheads who have utterly refused to believe anything I said.

Many years ago,when dear Fliss had her FIRST breakdown, she fled over east to the other side of Australia to N.S.W. and therafter to Queendland to be with dear Cath, and STILL Fliss did not tell anyone anything, least of all ANY truth.

I was in contact with Cath from Queensland right from the onset of Fliss's plunge into mental madness & delusions. Cath a close personal friend of Fliss's, and who I counted as a friend of mine as well. - Cath was deeply SHOCKED to learn what I told her (she told me that herself) because she had NEVER known ANYTHING what I told her about dear Fliss andher great medical & mental maladies. Fliss had kept it all secret from her, despite dear Fliss considering dear Cath as her 'closest friend'.

One time, during the early of the over 10 years dear Fliss was with me here in Western Australia and living happily, I accompanied her to a mandatory meeting she had to attend with some sort of personal assistance woman allocated to dear Fliss by a government department. - The meeting took place in Midland. Just around the corner from the chemist and Midland IGA food store there. -- The physical location of that government place we went to is STILL there, but that VERY place is now a furniture store. Beforehand it was an Australian Social Security office. (criminal aboriginals very often hang all around thereabouts and there's a tattoo shop near there too).

Where we went was inside, turn right, up a short few little steps, and into TINY compartments which were 'offices' literally single desk cubicles manned by 1 person in each like battery hens in cages.

It was SO SMALL that the woman who was interviewing Fliss and handling her case for employment & social security and mental & physical evaluation & everything, sat in her own swivel chair, Fliss sat in another swivel chair just behind and to one side of her, and because it was all so small in space, I stood up and held onto the back of Fliss's chair for support in the extremely cramped confines.

I went for Fliss's support many times, and she was VERY appreciative of it all because the department was trying to railroad her into utter hell. They couldn't quite slot her into what they had been instructed by higher-up department offocials for her to do.

On one such occasion, when Fliss had become utterly flustered, confused, and had almost revereted back to her terrible habit of her speech stammering because of all the stress, I truthfully spoke up for Fliss in no uncertain terms and for a great deal of time and without fear. Fliss had been terrified during the interview beforehand but was trying to hide it. I stood up for Fliss and was acting as an 'advocate'....not just because I greatly love dear Fliss, but also because I always hate anyone being badly treated and railroaded much less than the dear gentle woman I love.

When I was done, and Fliss had again regained her composure and sensibilities, she no longer stammered and was back to her public self of over-self-assuredness (something else I was always working on with her in private NOT to do because it made her seem too brash and prone to wild decisions and which did not endear her to many people).

When dear Fliss was done, the Social Security officer (a woman) proudly stated, "Together, you two are strong. (and deeply support each other)." - (meaning that not only did we complimented each other in life and strengthed each others lives) but we made dear Fliss and myself far better than otherwise if were not a loving couple together.

I can't reacall now what the important matter was that that day for dear Fliss, but I recall that it resulted in a favourable outcome for dear Fliss and went a long way to bolstering up Fliss's mentals state so she could obtain a new job and a better life for herself and us both. (she had previoulsy been threatened by the department so very badly you cannot believe!)

After that, dear Fliss prospered in her life, our lives, her mental state and her physical state, and that lead to a lot of other good things occuring that lasted years.

Since dear Fliss has been ripepd away for me in late 2015 because she had yet ANOTHER terrible mental breakdown, of which I was terrible and falsley blamed for making happen FFS, dear Fliss has been wantonly allowed by others to fester in her own mental malaise as well as her physical malaise in Tamworth, New South Wales, Australia. - And dear Fliss has become so VERY much worse. - Dear Cath in Queensland surely experienced and saw that for herself when Fliss stayed with her for a short while last last year.

And what REALLY is hell is that I'm sure there is now fuckwits over wherever Fliss is, they see the current state of Fliss, and shittyly blame ME for how bad she is! -- When in fact when dear Fliss was with me, it was ME who who love her so much and made sure to always be keeping a loving eye on everything she did especially with regards to her taking of twice daily medications that moderated her mental states and VERY important critical states because otherwise she runs the the risk of death of ending in a vegetative state on a daily basis.

Whenever I have mentiend that to anyone, they say I lie. They say I lie about EVERYTHING the fuckers. Almost EVERYONE does NOT know that dear Fliss is deeply ashamed and deeply terrified ALL THE TIME and will say anything to please people and to make them believe that she always in in TOTAL unwavering control, of herself, of her medical & mental conditions, of her finances, of everything. When in fact it's all an act. As she admitted to me in private so MANY times, "I only tell people what they want to hear.", and, "They're not interested in hearing what's wrong with me.", and, "So what? They can't do anythig to help so why bother?"......that last quote from dear Fliss was when we had vocal arguments about her not telling people the truth, soemthing that I was ALWAYS on about her to do.

So when dear Cath may have had dear Fliss stay with her for a personal break/holiday at the end of 2017, Cath would have seen how bad Fliss has reverted to and become, all whilst heaped under a huge mantle of false bravado, false asuredness, brashness, loudness in everything, over-the-top behaviours and reactions, telling of outright lies as if they're truths, extreme bouts of deep depressions and sullenness masking her inner terrors, her pleadings to be happy, her sudden wishes to do mindless things to distract herself from any and everything, especially if anyone is asking her personal questions about herself. - That is a comon tactic used by dear Fliss and yet another one she admitted to doing and which I was alwasy trying for her to stop doing because it was so detrimental.

And if dear Cath....or anyone...sees Fliss and perhaps sees how bad Fliss is, they will falsley assume it's MY fault dear Fliss is in such a terrible mental andor physical state when that is not and has NEVER been the case at all that it is my fault and in fact is the complete reverse.

Dear Fliss WILL ABSOLUTELY LIE as as self defense mechanism or to get things she wants or to sway peoples ideas or interpretations or perceptions especially of herself.

I love you dear Fliss and want to be with you just as you promised me in late 2015 after you had a VERY terrible mental episode here and fled. You shortly aferwards reconciled with me and we arranged to begin a new life away from this hellhole area and state of Western Australia that it has become, and which contributed to your medical and bad mental states.

That Social Security woman said, "Together, you two are strong. (and deeply support each other).", and being without you dear Fliss is worse than hell. - I have been saying this for YEARS all through this blog.

And I've also said that when in my last moments when I'm dying, I would be thinking of YOU dear Fliss. - Well that is still the case, and is the case each and every moment of every day and night.

My last thoughts alive will be not of fixing your cars bad electricals & lights of your old car in Quensland that had us driving from the bus depot to your flat in total darkness in fright, no, not of that dear Fliss, but that also is a cherished memory of a life event....no, my last thoughts will be of being in that Social Security tiny cubicle in Midland with you Fliss and of selflessly defending YOU when you needed it because you were so scared and unable to defend yourself no matter how much your untruths and double-talk and misdirections that you constantly used had totally failed you, even your honest truth had failed you by then. -- But I did NOT fail you dear Fliss. I have NEVER failed you. - But your terrible afflictions both physical & mental have created within you a narrative of utter lies and deceit unto yourself and myself and yourself.

All througout my blog you will read how I have been suffering without being with you dear Fliss.

But because you have been utterly silent, and not once communicated with me, and have abandoned me to the wolves, and have told everyone else we knew to keep me utterly ostracised, I have been utterly destroyed.

After I am dead, YOU dear Fliss will get worse. And no longer will you sit back and look on the internet at anything I write and laugh and point out to your 'friends' how your lies killed me, and killed dear Sam & dear Max, for afterwards you WILL get worse and worse and NOBODY will believe you anymore and finally you WILL BE TOTALLY ALONE. - Alone with your worst fears and terrors, and your fake friends, and your utterly fake internet friends, and you will scuttle off to see dear Cath in Queensland and your will both try to convince yourselves of your lies that they're true...when you KNOW they are not and have never been.

I was always honest. I was alwasy true & I never ever abandoned you despite so many telling me that I should abandon you because you were so worthless a person.

THAT terrible event of you having another breakdown & leaving and everything that later happened in late 2015, it's as if it was last night to me always. And is with me every moment of every day & night.

I trust absolutely nobody. They're all fucking liars and out for what they can get and worse.

I used to be trusting and kind and a generous person and helped anyone without any expectations of reward and nor did I accept any. -- THOSE were the single most worst mistakes in my life. - Put that on my grave marker if ever there is such a thing for me. - Fuck the world.

But it'll be too late. I'll be dead. - And no fucker will care in any case.

Will dear Cath bother to read or heed this? - She is plunging downwards too. She too has her self-defence pretend things.

Will YOU dear Fliss bother to read or heed this? - YOU are plunging downwards far faster than Cath ever has done. Cath was the person you looked up to and always wanted to be and always emulated in one form or another. But whenever you failed to make that happen, whether in your brave writing attempts of any fiction, your attempts at home cooking, your own eating habits, your attempts to have a family, your attempts to be prosperous and noteworthy that your mother always desperately wanted of you,.....all those you failed at, or never succeded, or you abandoned, or you just let fizzle away, or you cast away and then laid blame somewhere else.....

All those things and more I was helping you with, and how you coped with them, getting them and not getting them and to understand them all, and much more than ANYONE will ever know.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I love you dear Fliss and want to be with you. You promised us both.

P.s. - My internet speed is back to utter shit, so very fucking slow shit speed. - Old dialup modems of 20 years ago were FAR FASTER than the internet for me now is.

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xottzot · 7 years ago

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2017-07(July)-28–Friday (night)--items stolen and death is nearly upon me.

Firstly, Max has become VERY VERY vicious again A LOT! - And I do mean a a bloody LOT.

He has become so incredible distresses at dear Flis abandoning him and us, and no further word, no contact, not a whisper, not a letter...NOTHING since late 2015. And all that is everyday giving me incredibly bad stress and wishing I was fucking DEAD.

Max is also VERY VERY upset at dear Fliss abandoning him and us and Sam. - She professed to love our dear dogs.

DO NOT BELIEVE Fliss in ANYTHING SHE SAYS and do NOT let her have any contact or in charge of any dogs or animals for any period of time because she has proven herself NOT TO CARE, NOT FOP ANIMALS AND NOT FOR HUMANS.........that is the terrible asumption I have been lead to believe now.

Combine that with the damned criminals romaing all about all the time and causing nouse and fucking disturbances all the time, and you can appreciate how fucking distressed we all are.

I tried to do something tonight.

It required me delving back into my old junk to find stuff and......I COULD NOT find MANY MANY things and do you know why? Because some fucker has stolen them. I have NOT misplaced them. They are STOLEN. - GAPS ALL THROUGOUT MY STUFF.

I do not know if the irreplaceable and personal items were stolen by Fliss (Felicity Ann Carthew of Tamworth New South Wales) when in late 2015, she arrived with strange women accompaning her and West Australian Police to this hovel we lived at but were surviving and trying to prosper as best we could.....despsite dear Fliss having terribel medical and mental problems that she denied she had which had become so bad, and denied they affected her so badly which she always tried to keep hidden for all others........and STILL DOES KEEP HIDDEN FROM ALL OTHERS...from all her friends, kept hidden from all her family, kept hidden from all people she had contact with, and the medical people she deliberately lied to and only made them knew the things she wanted them to know about herself and what she did.

Thsoe strange women and teh West Auzralian Police,......they all kept me OUT of our house entirely, whilst they went all through the house grabbing any and everythng they could and stuffing them into many big black garbage bags, that they carted outside and had the Police watch over them to stop me from going through them!!!!

Of course everyone was heavily buying into the male=bad, males 'MUST be wrong and so lets fucking well do any and everything we like' attitude and that's how I was treated. They literally went through cupboards and wardrobes and left a huge mess in their wake for me to clean up. I NEVER knew what had been taken/stolen.

Beforehand, they had all DELIBERATLY PROMISED ME that afterwards that Fliss and I could calmly sit down and sort through everything. I was in a LOT of physical pain and so sat back and watched a lot of this unfold from OUTSIDE THE HOUSE AS I WAS LITERALLY GUARDED BY POLICE as if I ould suddenly go beserk according to the stange women that accompanied Fliss that day!!!! (that's what those women did as a job!)

If it was just dear Flss and myself I would have been much more ameniable, but these strangers just were grabbing any and everything they wanted as if they were in a house full of freebies just for taking, instead of cherish items that I and dear Fliss had accumalated for years, had worked and struggled VERY VERY hard toget, and many can not BE REPLACED. - YOU CAN NOT GET THOSE ITEMS AGAIN!

And afterwards, I was fucking well chastised for becoming angry when I was discovering so many things missing and stolen and I was blamed for being angry!!

But Fliss and I were in commnications, it was terrible and sporadic and constantly breaking down, but we were reconciling and we were going to get back togther and live in Tamorth New South Wales in a new life far from this fucking hellhole. - I was overjoyed and went about going though a LOT of stuff, giving thousands of dollars worth (including brand NEW items of ours!!) to charity (to the very place Fliss had worked at when she had her breakdown and medical misadventures), and I was so looking forward to being with dear Fliss. We had arranged it so she would come back here and help me sort through VERY personal stuff, really heartbreaking stuff, and THEN we would both travel over to Tamworth in New South Wales and begin life anew. I was SO LOOKING FORWARD TO DEAR FLISS AND I FINALLY BE ABLE TO NOT STRUGGLE AND BE HARANGUED AND CRUSHED. I had trouble sleeping I was so happy! - And then......her emails to me became sporadic....crazy, incoherent, and dear Fliss was under incredible bad stress (on top of everythng that had caused her to have a breakdown again) that she refused to tell me anything of and then....she just let me drop off and die.

She put a male friend she knew in another state contact me and he askd me to tell what had been going on. So in 3 emails I told him a helluva lot in details, a LOT of personal stuff a LOT of medical stuff, and I explicity asked him NOT to tell dear Fliss any of the stuff I was saying because I knew she was in a very delicate emotional and mental state. -- I had and STILL have no ida who this guys was!! - He NEVER TOLD ME IS REALL NAME OR HIS FULL NAME!! - OR WHERE HE WAS! - But I cooperated only for the sake of dear Fliss and myself to get back together.

At first he was cordil and friendly, over a few emails, and then suddenly, without any warning, he turned on me! And threatened me. He shouted at me in email and threatened me. He said he'd contacted Fliss and he had told her everything....even AFTER I had told him NOT to,...and he said that dear Fliss had denied EVERYTHING...and so suddenly I was deemed a fucking liar which I never ever was!!!!!

And he goaded me to commit suicide. He ORDERED me to suicide! (I still have the emails of his to show everyone. At least they will be found after I am dead.)

All that was in late September 2015.

I sent an urgent email/phone text message to Fliss telling her the hell I was being put through and asking her to try to get this thug to stop it all. She received it. But I had no contact with Fliss. And the terrible messages to me stopped.

The thug actually boasted at himself being called a thug by me!!

And then suddenly everything stopped. All communications. Everything!

All emails I sent to dear Fliss stopped being answered by Fliss. And her mobile phone was physically taken away from Fliss and given to this thug so that anytime I tried to contact dear Fliss, all I got was this thug on the phone!!!

All that caused me to have a terrible mental breakdown, although I have NEVER EVER had any in my life. and all my thoughts turned to suicide.

Right on the very cusp of dear Fliss and I getting back together, reconciling, and becoming happy and life being so open to live and a future for us so we could help each other and help any and everyone and all our friends, especially many of dear Fliss's friends like Cath Allen in Queensland, a friend of ours who has a husband and two children and lives in her house whilst she aspires to be a writer of fiction whlst at the same time struggling with incredible pressures of domestic life, her own medical and mental stresses of herself and her family, and so on, including financial pressures.

But dear Cath has also bought into all the lies that Fliss believes herself in her drug induced mania mixed with Fliss's own medical and mental problems have caused her and us to suffer from. And dear Cath just took the easy way out and blamed ME for everything which is a total LIE, and which also added to all my incredible terrible stress and VERY terrible depression and YES, which ALSO caused me suicidal thoughts and cemented them. Thoughts that have NEVER EVER LEFT ME since late 2015 and which I have been struggling living life on a thread that is about to unwind and break.

And dear Cath's own dear and much loved Father had died around the same time then, and she herself was under terrible personal stress and emotional tragedy. And so dear Cath focussed her wrath and spite all upon ME and REFUSED to read the emails I sent her (she boasted this herself to me) and then dear Cath broke all contact with me!!!!

No matter who I turned to, no matter how much I pleaded my innocence (which HAS ALWAYS BEEN TRUE AND NOT LIES!), I was treated like scum and forced into suicide. Every turn I took, every person I turned to, ALL TURNED AGAINST ME because they all believed the LIES and slander bandied about me and Fliss.

No matter what I did, no matter who I talked to, I have been told to just fuck off and die!!!

Added to all this was the incredible shit going on with the criminal abo's here.

Added to all this was dear Sam and dear Max our dogs becoming so terribly distressed that they too were in very real danger of being killed, and they have not come out of that either but have become worse and worse!! -- They miss dear Fliss incredibly so, more than ANYONE knows, not even Fliss herself knows or admits to it and she has not contacted me in any way or form depsite her PROMISING SHE ALWASY WOULD!!!!

And dear Max attacked me MANY times without any provoaction by me, attacked me not slightly but VERY BADLY, causing me tremendous injuries which needed medical attention and which I am STILL suffering from and have so many scars to prove they occured!!!

I posted photos in my blog of the terrible injuries. NOT ALL OF THE ATTACKS. BUT THERE ARE ATTACKS AND INJURIES UPON ME OF WHICH THERE IS NO POSTED PROOF BUT THERE ARE PHOTOS EXISTING ON MY MOBILE PHONE WHICH I HAVE NOT POSTED. - Why were they not posted? - Because I feared that somebody somewhere was laughing at me, and laughing that I was making it all up, or that I deserved injuries as if to 'make up' for what dear Fliss lied to everyone had occured to her and which she has been brainwashed into believing because she was heavily addicted to Stilnox sleeping pills and Stay Awake pills and my own painkillers and everything else she could grab her hands on and gobble down and which made her a walking uncontrollable violent zombie for days at a time. -- NOBODY BELIEVES ME!!!!

Dear Fliss PROMISED ME that we would be together. Other people backed up her promises and told me that she and I would get back together, especially after she was 'well' and that it was of course accepted I would help her get better.

Amd so despite myself getting more and more terribly worried at Fliss refusing and and all contact with me, I kept hoping and have continued to hope for the new life she promised me and us!!!!!

I have had a VERY terrible nervous breakdown for many many months, (over a year). - I have entertained the thoughts, planning and accumalating of things to perform suicide. They are ready to use and have been spread out and dispersed so as not to be come across by anyone. As has the plans and place(s) chosen for my suicide. (many, several, varied, hidden and unknown)

And I have been hoping for dear Fliss to contact me and let us have the life she PROMISED US, and so save me just as I saved her in 1999.

NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ME. I REALLY FUCKING WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD!!

And today, tonight I have found evidence of a LOT of things gone missing as I first started saying in this entry. Things which CANNOT BE REPLACED.

Were they stolen by Fliss? (maybe but hardly). They very well are more likely to have been stolen by the women 'helpers' she had with her when they literally went raiding through this hovel of a house whilst the Police kept me outside from seing what the hell they were doing. (even stuff like all the bandaids and bandages we had in a cupboard!) And the Police had earlier PROMISE ME that I could go through everythng and make sure that things were okay to be taken by Fliss...but I was very literally only given hurried scant minutess to sort through LOTS of huge black garbage bags of stuff before they were all whisked away and jammed into a car and then Fliss was rushed off. - And I was in terrible physical pain. Pain I had been foe many days. Pain that I'm suffering from tremendously typing this damned entry in!!

I had been in terrible physical pain that day. That's why I cannot work and I'm on a pension because of the damned pain. And people have used me. They have abused me. And they have exploited me.

THINGS HAVE BEEN STOLEN. I have noticed them becoming more and more numerous as I have been going through things since late 2015. - There is no rhyme or reason for the thefts. It is NOT me being forgetful!!! - I am very particular at how I store things because over my life I have lost so much and had so much taken from me, things that have NEVER EVER been replaced and which NOBODY FUCKING WELL CARES ABOUT!

And so this evening I was doing something else with the brand new little car, the new car that belongs to dear Fliss and I. The one that I desperately need because without it I have no access to food, or to pay bills or to do anything that most (all) people take for granted and think nothing of. Dear Sam dear Max had almost NO dry dog food left at all. I had been for weeks bulking-up their daily food with boiled rice and weetbixs cereal.

2 of our 4 chickens have so very sadly died. They are both not going to live long for much further.

Before dear Fliss broke any and all contact with me in late 2015 after her troubles and disaster forced her away from me, she exclaimed in email, "Live for the dogs!" -- Well I did that Fliss. I did that so much more than you will EVER know. I was attacked and physically torn apart and lost a lot of blood and have scars on my body that will be seen long after I am dead. - To anyone reading this, tehyare VERY powerful dogs (MORE POWERFUL THAN WHEN FLISS KNEW THEM) and they are capable of killing me or any person. That's why I cannever take them out ANYWHERE. They have not gone ANYWHERE since late 2015 when Fliss abandoned us all to die.

And that was how I found even MORE things that have mysterioulsy been stolen and have vanished.

These things I was to have freely shared with anyone and everyone I met if they so asked me for them. But NOBODY DESERVES TO STEAL FROM ME!!!!!! - NOBODY FUCKING DOES!

DO I SOUND ANGRY!?

DO I SOUND DEPRESSED?

DO I SOUND ABANDONED AND LEFT TO DIE!?!!

DO I SOUND LIKE THE LIFE I WAS PROMISED TO LIVE WITH DEAR FLISS (Felicity Ann Carthew) IN TAMOWRTH, NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA, WELL THAT LIFE HAS BEEN TORN AND RIPPED AWAY FROM ME YET AGAIN AND THAT I WAS A FUCKING FOOL TO EVER HAVE ANY FUCKING HOPE TO BE WITH DEAR FLISS JUST AS SHE PROMSIED!!!!!!

I was going to have old music and stuff playing whilst I died...suicided...or fucking whatever.

Now THAT'S been taken from me and it's like EVERYTHING in life I hold dear has been ripped away from me and I have been made to blame for EVERYTHING when I am most certainly NOT to blame!!!!

And do wonder why I have had dreams and nightmares in them when I have tried frantically to find my guns to end my life and I cannot find them because some fucker has stolen them or the ammunition!!!

And so I have had to improvise and forgo my guns. It will make my suicide MUCH more painful and drawn out. NOBODY FUCKING CARES IN ANY CASE.

I have had nightmares about THAT as well. - NOBODY FUCKING CARES.

Al I want in life is to be with dear Fliss just as she promsied me and us, and to live out my days in peace, calm, quiet, happiness, and joy and hope.

FLISS, you are still inmy legal Will. You KNOW that, and so does others who don't give a fuck about me. I do NOT have much at all to bestow upon you in my legal Will. It so NOT a cornucopia, it is NOt a lottery win or anything some fool might try to convince you of thinking of my death as giving you.

There is one final parting throught to you dear Fliss. I hope to die on a day and date that you cannot forget no matter how much you want to. I do NOt want you to just brush me and us aside and treat me like a worn out old shoe or the memrory of me to others. I do NOT want you to lie! - STOP LYING!

Fliss, can you imagine being as I am, having NO HOPE for us, having ALL HOPE ripped away and thrown in my face right when I need and needed and STILL NEED to be with you in love and trust and joy just as you promised us both? - Or are you being distracted so as to forget everything except the inane things they want you to focus on?

You used to write a LOT fo Kira Nerys (of Star Trek Deep Space Nine fan fiction stories), but all that will be gone forever, nobody will care they are gone, nobody will care you ever wrote them. - All that will be gone when I am gone.

Dear Cath will make up something to distract herself from commnicating with me, although I desperately still would love to talk with her and communicate with dear Cath. But appears to have become like you, in that she diverts her mind and attention away from reality, and she embraces self-spun fiction in her mind that she desperately wants to be acknoweldged for. But Cath you forget how you started on that path in writing. It was a suggestion very long ago by your husband Ken to embrace writing in order to take your troubled mind away from all the hardships you and he were having. But somewhere along the line you latched onto the concept that you HAVE to make all your writing be very profitable, and that's what you hold foremost in your troubled mind so much. - I instead have NEVER had any qualms about my own writings and I have ALWAYS written everything fictional and entirely self created to be freely given and shared about. Perhaps it's an ethos of humility I suffer from. And which I will die from. And nobody will care in any case. And nobody will ever read the stuff I wrote because they were all just written for me as self-entertainment. - What I shared with YOU dear Cath years ago was just a tiny snippet of stuff I've written. But since late 2015, I have written NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I DO NOT PLAY ANY COMPUTER GAMES AT ALL ANYNMORE SINCE LATE 2015. And my life in general has stopped and died since dear Fliss and I have been parted. - When I die, there will be a scramble to lay claim to what meagre shit Iever create, the computer artwork, the fictional stories, any and everything will be thrown away and lost forever just as I will be. - I will be fucking nothing. -- I wish you well and success in your lifes quests dear Cath and I wish you well in your own medical and mental maladies and whatever. And I wish you and your family well. I could help them but I am ostracised from any and all and I am told to be dead. - I cried a LOT for your dear cat Cath.

And to the others I only briefly knew through dear Fliss, I wish you all well and hope you do not try to create lies and shit about me as you have already done so it seems. - Judith and Cecy I wish you well and hope things survive for you two in the U.S.A.

I'm ging to take a LOT of pills and lay down in bed. - It's after 1am, I'm feeling EVRY cold and I am in a hell of a LOT of pain. And I am in a lot of pain where EVERY part of my body is in pain. I'm going to overdose to deal with that. Think of it as a trial run again.

P.at 1:11am, 29-July-2017-----I Love YOU dear Fliss and want to be with you. Why should I even bother to say that. You KNOW that. - Remember me after I am dead, but you wil be forced not to, and you will be told NOT to...you will be ordered NOT to. -And you will do it all because you can lie so easily and nobody know when you are lying even to their faces. Even your own family cannot tell when you are lying. - I have ALWAYS known when you have been lying dear Fliss. I forgave you of so much. Remember a date. I will try to make it so you cannot forget despite you wanting to and lying about it to everyone. - I love you dear Fliss and want to be with you. - Do NOT let my legal WILL and yours be destroyed Fliss. - Going now. Dear Sam is crying a LOT. But you chose to refuse to hear or know and yet you profess to know so much about animals and dogs. You know very very little dear Fliss and you never will know any more. And you will be cheered on by others for it all, like everything shitty that has been going on.

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