#i went into a bit of a broadway moment over thanksgiving and now i’m on a much missed bandstand kick

[britney-rosberg06]

bitches be like “I am going to single-handedly revive this dead fandom” but has approx 6 seconds of free time everyday

[argylemnwrites]

He Knew

Pairing: Colt Kaneko x MC (Ellie Whitnall)

Book: Ride or Die (post book 1)

Word Count: ~4600

Rating: R (language, referenced sensual content, referenced violence)

Summary: The five times Ellie came back, and the one time she didn’t

Author’s Note: Written for @rodappreciationweek Day 2 - Colt Kaneko. This is my first time not only writing Colt, but also my first time writing for one of my Choices couples that don’t end up “happily ever after.” I adored the bittersweet endings we got in ROD, and I wanted to keep that vibe here. This is pretty different from my usual writing tone/genre, so be forewarned - this is not a happy tale, but the crumbling apart of a relationship. It think the warnings listed in the rating section cover the content here.

It wasn’t really goodbye. He knew she’d be back. There was no way she would be able to stay away, to just fall back into a world where her only thrills came from acing a test. That was too easy for her. She needed more, the push, the challenge, the adventure. He knew because he was just like her.

He wasn’t sure exactly when she’d be back, though. He was sure she’d be back in LA for Thanksgiving, but he didn’t expect her to come looking for him then. Besides, the shop was still in ruins. He wouldn’t be easy for her to find at this point. He rode past her dad’s place early on Thanksgiving morning and saw her blue Shokai Fourier sitting in the driveway. But he didn’t see her then.

Same thing about a month later, her car parked in the driveway when he drove by a few days before Christmas. But it didn’t surprise him that she wasn’t ready to come back to his world, not just yet. That first semester of college probably had enough novelty to keep her from getting too bored. New friends, new freedoms, new knowledge.

It’s not like he wasn’t busy, too. Hunting down the remnants of the Brotherhood while not attracting any unwanted attention was a new mission, one that required a new sort of careful calculation and anticipation. He wasn’t the type to sit around pining, moping, waiting on some girl, just like he was sure she wasn’t longing for him. They were alike in that way - they didn’t let their emotions define them.

It wasn’t until the anniversary of Pop’s death that he really felt it, deep down, that he… fuck it, that he missed her. Because no one else got him, not the way she did. No one else was quite like her. He was a few drinks in, sulking in the room he was renting from X’s old roommate when he did the thing he swore he would never do - he pulled out his new phone and searched “Ellie Whitnall” on Pictagram.

Her hair was darker, no longer highlighted, but still pulled back in that ponytail. And that damn sweatshirt was nowhere to be seen. Instead it was her in a crop top and a skin-tight pair of jeans in a line with six other girls, a smile on all of their faces as their arms wrapped around each other’s backs. Her lounging on the grass with one of the same girls, textbooks sprawled out around them as they both laughed. Her eating a slice of pizza in some tiny restaurant, a blond dude who looked like a preppy douchebag sitting in the booth next to her.

She looked good, happy enough. It made him proud, but the worst parts of himself wished she was just a little miserable. Not just because he was mourning and miserable himself, and misery did fucking love company, but because she didn’t belong in a world that was bland and ordinary. She burned too bright for such pedestrian experiences. She would see that soon, and she would be back. Until then he just had to keep working on avenging his father’s death, making the Brotherhood pay for all the shit they’d done. And that’s what he did, not noticing as May and June passed by. But then July came.

He was working at the sideshow, trying to find out where Wallace had last been spotted when he saw her on the dance floor. She was wearing a little white tank top and a light blue skirt that was short enough it barely covered anything. It took all his willpower to listen to what the little punk was telling him and not just march over there and kiss her, welcome her back where she belonged. But business had to come first. Besides, she was only dancing with her brunette friend, Riya, and the guy who had worn the orange tux to prom.

“I knew you couldn’t stay away” he murmured into her ear when he finally, finally could join her. She tensed at first, as he came up behind her, snaking his hand around her waist, his fingers tracing along the thin strip of skin between her shirt and skirt, but she relaxed into him when she recognized his voice. She spun to face him, her arms reaching up to rest on his shoulders.

“Who says I’m here for you? Riya and Darius just wanted a taste of what I was up to last spring.”

Colt shook his head. “Nah, you wouldn’t have worn that if you weren’t here for me,” he said as his eyes traced over her gentle curves, settling back on her face, just as beautiful and determined as he’d remembered.

“It’s July in LA. Some of us actually dress for the heat.”

He chuckled lightly, leaned down, and kissed her. She tasted the same, her fingers felt the same as they crawled up his neck and clutched onto his hair. When he tugged her out of there and handed her his spare helmet, her arms felt the same as she wrapped them around his chest. And when they got to his new studio apartment in Broadway-Manchester and stumbled towards his mattress as they stripped as quickly as they could, she felt the same as he sunk into her, both of them moaning in relief.

After, they talked all night, lounging on his mattress, drinking cheap beer and eating the string cheese they found in his pathetically empty fridge. About her classes and seminars, her roommate from some tiny town in Nebraska who had never seen an escalator before coming to Langston, and her upcoming research project. About his plans to reopen the auto body shop next year, now that the heat was finally dying down and he could go back. About how Ximena was still around, ready to help out, but how Toby had made his way north to San Fran, working for some startup that was looking to get into the high-tech auto accessory game. About how Mona would be up for parole in a few months.

“When do you head back?” he finally asked as the sun started to peek through the window, his hand tracing along her spine as she curled up against his side, her head resting on his shoulder.

“Tomorrow,” she said, after a moment, “Dr. Frisch wants me to start on my research next week so that we can get a prototype built before the end of the fall semester.”

Colt swallowed before sliding his fingers under her chin and tilting her head up, looking straight into her brown eyes. “You happy?”

She nodded gently. “For now.”

“Not bored?”

“Not yet.”

“Just want to make sure they aren’t wasting your talents.”

“Colt…”

“Just remember, you shouldn’t settle for bland.”

“I know, Colt. I know.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Even though it had been over a year since he last saw her in person, he knew she would be back someday. She had his new number now, and every so often she would send him a little text or photo. They had no agreement, had made no promises to each other, still her messages were sometimes flirty, sometimes sexy. The blond idiot still hung around her Pictagram, but if she didn’t feel obligated to keep things between them… friendly or some shit, it wasn’t any of his business really.

The summer after her sophomore year at Langston, she stayed out east, hired on for some summer research program. But Colt was busy, too. The shop was open again. It wasn’t officially under Colt’s management, not until the statute of limitations ran out next year, but he had a couple of mechanics he’d hired on, keeping things on the up and up for the moment. Everyone knew Colt was running the show.

One day in October, he was at the shop, on a creeper under some rich asshole’s Porsche Cayman GTS when Ricky, his newest hire, called out for him.

“Hey, Kaneko. Some chick is here and says she needs to talk to you.”

He rolled his eyes as he pushed himself out. Ricky was talented, but he was far too much of a pushover. “I’m in the middle of this, Ricky.”

“I know, boss… but she kinda acted like you guys were… she seemed like she knew you personally.”

Wiping his hands on his pants, he strode over, ready to tell off whatever entitled little girl thought she could demand to see him, but then he caught sight of her. The sweatshirt was back, but her hair was even darker than it had been last summer. 

“Ellie? What are you doing here?” He was shocked by her appearance in his shop, in the middle of the semester, and every instinct to tease her about not being able to stay away went out the window when he saw the look on her face, so hollow and lost. He ushered her into his office, closing the door and hearing it all. How her dad was in the ICU at UCLA after he’d suffered a massive heart attack. How she’d had to go on a leave of absence for the rest of the semester.

“The doctors think he’s going to be okay, but I can’t… I can’t go back to the house alone. Not after everything,” she finished, perched on the end of his desk.

“You’re here by yourself?”

“Riya transferred to UC Oakland to be with Darius, so other than you… I don’t really know anyone here anymore.”

So the blond douche didn’t come with her. Either he was even more of a dickwad than Colt pictured, or he wasn’t that important to Ellie. Either way, it was all Colt needed to know. He tugged her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He didn’t tell her things would be alright, because unlike some people, he wasn’t stupid enough to try and lie to her. To make her promises he couldn’t keep.

So he did what he could. He took her back to his apartment, poured her shots of tequila, and fucked her senseless. There was nothing he could do to make things better. But he could make her forget, at least for a little bit. It’s what she would have done for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Ellie coming tonight?” Ximena asked as Ricky spread out the takeout on the table in the breakroom.

“Haven’t seen her around much lately,” Ricky said, opening the containers of fried chicken.

“She’ll be back,” Colt said with more confidence than he actually felt. It wasn’t that he doubted that she’d be back… eventually. But she was pissed at him. Really pissed. And he wasn’t sure how long it was going to take her to cool off.

It was absurd that she was angry with him when he was the only one who wasn’t handling her with kid gloves, instead treating her like the grown-ass woman she was. Her dad was recovering just fine, but Ellie kept putting off going back to Langstson. When she’d told him she’d pulled out for the spring semester, though, he’d told her exactly what he thought about that. That she was being stupid. That she was only sticking around out of guilt over her last few months of high school. That she was wasting herself.

“What happened to you telling me I would always have a spot on your crew?” she’d yelled at him, tears flowing down her cheeks.

“Not like this, with you just bumming around, aimless. Fucking around, not really doing anything. You’re better than that, Ellie.”

She’d stormed out of his apartment after their fight, and he hadn’t seen her in eight days. He assumed she was with her dad. It wasn’t worth dwelling on. She’d be back once she’d cooled off and realized he was right. But the days continued to tick by, with no sight of her around the apartment or the shop. After three weeks, he rode past her dad’s place, but the Shokai Fourier was still in the driveway, so he knew she was still in LA.

Finally, almost one month later she showed up at the shop, just as they were wrapping things up for the day. She walked straight into his office without so much as saying hello to anyone, so Colt took his time, finishing up with the spark plugs he was replacing before he joined her. She was sitting at his desk, scrolling through his spreadsheets, reviewing the shop’s finances. So damn presumptuous.

“I didn’t realize you were an accountant now,” he said, crossing his arms as he closed the door. 

She spun in his chair, glaring at him. “Just seeing if you can afford to hire a mechanical engineer.”

“By my math, you’re only half a mechanical engineer at this point. That has to earn me a bit of discount on your salary.”

“I’m here to negotiate. If I’m going back for two more years at Langston, I need to know it’s going to be worth it. So make me an offer.”

Colt couldn’t fully suppress a smirk as he quirked an eyebrow at her. “What, am I supposed to write a number on a sheet of paper and slide it over to you?”

“I’m being serious, Colt.”

He rolled his eyes. “The offer’s the same as it’s always been - equal partnership, you and me, running this place.”

“And that offer will still be on the table in two years?”

“It hasn’t changed in the past two and a half, has it?”

She stood up with a nod at that, crossing the small office to stand in front of him, staring up at him, somehow looking imposing from five foot two.

“Should we shake on it?” he asked, widening his eyes to tease her, just a bit.

“I think we can do better than that,” she said before she stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him with all she had, shoving him back against the door in the process.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Colt glanced at his phone. 11:45 pm and no new notifications. She was supposed to be back from Riya and Darius’s wedding today, but as the minutes ticked by, he wasn’t sure if she was more upset than he’d anticipated.

Technically, they were both supposed to be back from the wedding today. But he’d gotten word about some… hot merchandise that was too good of a deal to pass up late on Friday, and so he’d shot Ellie a text to send Riya and Darius his congratulations before he turned his phone off. He’d figured she’d understand. She was as ambitious as him, after all.

But seeing as it had been radio silence all day Saturday and now Sunday, he was wondering what sort of Ellie was going to walk through that door. Either she was pissed, or something had happened to her, but he didn’t think she’d been in any danger in Napa.

His finger hovered over her name in his contact list. She hadn’t answered any of his calls earlier today, so he didn’t have much hope for this one. Just before he pressed down to foolishly call her yet again, headlights flashed through the front window of their apartment’s living room. She was home.

Less than a minute later, the deadbolt turned. There was Ellie, her little duffel bag in one hand, a garment bag in the other. She looked exhausted, and when she glanced up and saw him sitting at their little table, he noticed that her eyes were bloodshot. She didn’t say anything, just shook her head at him as she walked straight into their bedroom.

“Ellie, come on-” he started, chasing after her, but she slammed the door right in his face.

“I don’t even want to look at you right now,” she called through the door.

“It was three million worth of merchandise for only four hundred thousand. I couldn’t pass it up.”

The door flung back open, Ellie practically trembling with anger as she braced herself against the door frame.

“I was the fucking maid of honor, and my plus one didn’t show up!”

“None of them like me anyway.”

“Hmm, I wonder why,” she practically sneered at him as she shoved past him, stomping into the bathroom, slamming that door this time.

“You know we need to move more volume if we want to keep growing the shop. You’re the one who wants us to expand our territory into Vermont Knolls.”

“Fuck you!” echoed through the door.

“What do you want me to say? I made the call that I thought was best for our business.”

“How about ‘Sorry, Ellie. I was a total asshole’ as a starter?”

He winced at that. He probably should have led with an apology. He just didn’t think it would piss her off this much that he’d missed the wedding.

“Ellie, I am sorry. I just thought you would be fine with it since you told me to skip your cousin’s wedding last spring so we could close that deal-”

“-You didn’t even ask me this time.” she called out.

“I didn’t have time. And they are your friends. It’s not like I left you all alone with people you don’t know.”

The bathroom door swung open, but Ellie pivoted on her heel, sitting back down on the toilet seat.

“You say I’m your partner,” she said with a heavy sigh, “but you always make these decisions without me.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, this was a no-brainer. The pure profit on-”

“I don’t mean business partners. I mean in our… personal life.”

He frowned at that, crossing his arms, “What the fuck are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

Ellie just shook her head. “I don’t know. Sometimes it just feels like… like no amount of growth at the shop will ever be good enough for you. Like you are never off the clock.”

“I’m not ever off the clock. That shop is Pop’s legacy, and with you, it’s grown bigger than he could have ever imagined. I don’t know why you’re acting like this was all me. We’ve built everything we have together. You’ve always been hungry to prove yourself in this world.”

“Look who’s talking! Don’t you ever think that maybe your father wouldn’t want you sinking into this world so single-mindedly after he tried to keep you away from it for so long?”

It was an old argument from her, one he hadn’t heard in years. “My pop made a lot of bad decisions. Underestimating what both of us were capable of was just one of them.”

Ellie’s phone chirped, and Colt felt lightheaded as he watched her stand up and pick up a pregnancy test off the counter next to the sink. “Well, I hope you do better than him,” she said, shoving the piece of plastic into his hand. “This decision’s all mine, and I’m keeping it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was his own fault she was staying with her father for a few nights. He’d been careless and just a little too reckless. The contact on the new stock of Tesla Model S’s had been a friend of Ricky’s friend. He should have vetted him better. He’d been too blinded by how good of a deal it was. But it was a mess from the start, and now they owed a crew in West Adams seven million in either cash or vehicles. At least he hadn’t gotten arrested. He’s pretty sure Ellie would have murdered him if that had been the case.

But he’d gotten them involved in a bad deal. It was 100% his fault. Not only was Ellie pissed at him for not being appropriately cautious with their business, but pregnancy had reduced her fuse significantly. She’d gone off on him when he’d returned from the drop with the terrible news. He didn’t blame her for wanting to take a few days away from him and the shop. He figured it would go a long way if he’d worked out a safe way to repay their debt by the time she came back, hence staying late in his office, trying to brainstorm the quickest way out of this mess.

At some point he must have nodded off in his chair at his desk, because suddenly he bolted awake, disoriented and panicked, grabbing for the handgun he kept in his top drawer before he recognized Ellie standing in his doorway. He let out a rough breath and moved to offer her his chair, but she just shook her head.

“It won’t be worth the effort it takes to stand up again,” she said, reading his intentions in a second. “I was waiting for you at home, but when it hit midnight and you weren’t back, I thought I might find you here.”

“I thought you were gonna stay with your dad for a few more days.”

“He was asking a lot of questions about us that I didn’t exactly want to answer. Besides, I figured you might need some help coming up with a plan.” Her hands rested on top of her stomach. She still had three weeks until her due date, and Colt had no idea how was going to stand up if she got any bigger. Not that he told her that.

“It's my mess, Ellie. I can take care of cleaning it up.”

She shook her head, rubbing her hands along her bump. “That’s the thing, Colt. Your messes impact all three of us. So even if it’s not my fault we’re seven million in the hole at that moment, I need to help you fix things. And the two of us working together has always gotten us better results than either of us working independently.

“But Colt, I need you to take a step back from this ‘high risk, high reward’ approach. It was one thing when it was just you and me, but we both need to be a bit more careful going forward. Our kid deserves parents that are alive and not incarcerated, alright?”

He sighed but nodded. “I just don’t want us to lose our edge. But I get it, Ellie. I do.”

She sighed as well before she said, “Come on. Pack up your stuff and meet me at home. We can work on solving this from the comfort of our bed, okay?”

“Sure thing. I’ll see you there.” 

She gave him a little smile, so forced and empty it nearly shattered him, before turning and walking out the door. He wished he knew how to earn her trust back. But she was like him. She had high standards. Fixing things with her was going to take ages.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colt ran his hands through his hair, trying to calm his breathing. She had to come back. She had to. She had his daughter.

This fight had been bad, worse than any other than he could remember. When Ellie had seen the news coverage of Shaw’s shanking in prison, she’d turned to him, horror etched across her face. She hadn’t even needed to ask if it was him. She’d just known that he’d ordered it.

He tried to get her to understand, to see that he’d only done what he had to do. Shaw had his initial parole hearing coming up soon. If he so much as breathed a whiff of freedom, not only was their entire shop and crew in danger, but so were their lives and Margot’s. He was just taking a necessary precaution.

But she’d not wanted to hear any of it. She’d marched into Margot’s room, throwing her clothes and toys into a bag before hefting her out of bed and marching her out to her car, strapping her into her booster seat while she was still sound asleep. Ellie hadn’t so much as said a word to him as she drove off. Of course she’d ignored every call and text from him since that time.

He’d taken to riding past her father’s house daily. Her Shokai Fourier was always there, but he was never lucky enough to catch a glimpse of her or Margot in the yard. It had been nine days since he’d seen his kid, and he was getting desperate. He didn’t know what to do.

He sat along the edge of the cliff, watching the waves crash along. It wasn’t calming him tonight. Nothing was going to calm him. He didn't know how long he sat there, but eventually he heard a car engine approaching behind him. He would have known that paint job in his sleep. The engine quieted and he felt Ellie approaching him, sitting down next to him, almost close enough to reach out and touch. Almost.

“This is it, isn’t it?” he asked, staring out over the Pacific, inhaling the salt of the sea air.

“Colt… I can’t raise her in a home where killing someone is an acceptable solution to a problem. You had to know I wouldn’t be able to stand by you when you ordered that hit.”

Her words stung, burned his soul. Of course he’d known that. She’d always had her lines her morals didn’t allow her to cross. But how did she expect him to just sit there and let a threat to the safety of his family potentially walk free?

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” she asked. He could hear the tears in her voice, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at her, to see revulsion and disgust in the place of love and trust.

“What is there to say? Nothing I can do will make you come back.”

He heard her sigh before he felt her fingers, tiny and gentle against the back of his hand. He turned his hand over and threaded their fingers together more out of habit than anything. He knew her well enough to know that this wasn’t a gesture of love or hope.

“Colt, I’ll always love you, but…”

“I know, Ellie.”

“Are you even sorry?”

He paused, thinking over her question. He knew what she wanted to hear, but he’d always respected her too much to attempt to placate her with pretty sounding lies. “I don’t regret it at all,” he finally said, “I did it for both of you.”

She didn’t recoil from him at that. He hadn’t said anything she didn’t already know in her soul anyway. She’d always understood him in ways others just couldn’t. After all she was just like him. Just like him in so many ways.

They were only really different in one key way. She tried to pretend that there was a way to live the life they did and to be “good,” to keep to some sort of moral code. He knew that wasn’t the case. Or maybe she was just a better person than him. It was hard to tell right now, when he felt so hollow and drained.

“We’ll work out times for you to see Margot,” she said after a few minutes of silence. “I think we probably both want to keep lawyers out of this.”

Colt just grunted in acknowledgement. Ellie gave his hand a little squeeze before she tugged her hand free. She pushed herself up off the ground and walked back to her car. He couldn’t bring himself to watch her drive away, so he just stared ahead as he listened to her ignition start.

It was goodbye. He knew she’d never be back.

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[three-drink-amy]

All the Shine of a Thousand Spotlights

masterlist - AO3

My entire schedule for this second arc and when it would start came down to posting this around Christmas. I hope you enjoy this and have a lovely Christmas! 

Chapter Twelve: I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

The day that John had expected me at our shared workspace, I marched in with a plan in mind. I hadn’t talked it out with Jamie because I was fairly sure he’d try to talk me out of it. He was a bit afraid that if I changed my work life for him that I’d regret it. Well, he hadn’t said as much, but I could tell. 

Both of us had been a bit anxious about the changes awaiting us. The first night that Jamie went to the theater without me, he’d paused at the door, looking back at me. For all the bravado he’d had and promises that we’d be fine, he’d seemed a bit unsure. Pulling me in, he’d given me a long kiss and promised me that he’d be back after his show. I’d smiled and told him that I’d be waiting. That night had set the scene for the next week of shows before I had to start work again. John had given me til the next Monday and I planned to make use of every minute I had before I was expected to work again. When Jamie left for the theater the Saturday before I was to return to work, my plan struck me. 

My bag was draped over my arm, a coffee in hand as I sat down at my desk. John, of course, had beaten me into the small loft that we shared as our workspace. Until we were attached to a show and assigned to a theater, this was where we did the nitty gritty parts. We’d made it our own as best we could. The day we’d finally upgraded ourselves to a workspace and not just working from one of our homes had been an exciting day. 

It felt different today as I walked in there. John was surely going to try to convince me against my plan, but I was sure of what I wanted to do. Ultimately, it was my life. I should get to decide what I want to do with it. Having a ten year career based on never taking a break made it hard to finally take one, but I was ready. And Jamie was the reason why. 

John’s head turned as he heard me enter the room. “Claire! You’re here!” 

“Did you think I wouldn’t show up?” 

“I wondered,” he replied with a shrug. 

“Well, I’m here.” My bag sat on my desk, but I stood and watched John as I took a drink of my coffee. I needed to read his mood before I sprung my plan on him. 

He glanced over as I still watched him. “Have I something on my face?” I shook my head. “Then what are you doing?” 

“We need to talk,” I informed him as I walked closer to his desk. One of his brows raised suspiciously. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious.” 

“Are you sure? Because you’ve been acting odd for the last several months.” He ignored my glare. “Fine, what’s up?” 

“So, I’m here –” 

“Clearly.” 

I rolled my eyes. “I’m here because you demanded I come. And I have come up with a plan that I think will suit us both a bit better.” His brow furrowed as he stared back at me. “I’m not coming back full time. I meant what I said about wanting a break. In ten years, I’ve really never taken one.” I took a deep breath, settling down in a chair by his desk. “So, I will be here Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Then I’m working some, but not all the damn time. If I don’t find a project that absolutely captivates me, I’m not going to commit to something. I think we both know that there have been times in the past we’ve both committed to shows because we felt we had to.” 

John nodded. “Is this about Fraser?” 

I sighed deeply. “No, John, it’s about me.” He encouraged me to continue. “Perhaps it was Jamie who  made me realize it, but I haven’t been in a real romantic relationship since I was in college. And even then, it was half-assed because I was more focused on my studies. I’ve always, always put my career ahead of my personal life.” 

“Including with him,” John added. 

Nodding, I sidestepped the lie I was perpetuating. “When Uncle Lamb got sick, he didn’t have anyone there but me. He’d spent his life on his career and so when his career ended because of his illness, he had nothing to fall back on. When I’m on my deathbed, I want to have had a life outside of the theater. And I’m not going to do that if I’m always running at this speed. So, this is my solution.” 

John watched me for a long moment of silence. “I suppose I understand where you’re coming from. But what are you going to do if we find a show we’re passionate about? What about your break, then?” 

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” I said with a shrug. I didn’t really foresee it being a problem. There were more crappy plays wanting to be produced and directed that came to us than actual quality ones. I held out my hand for John to shake. He shook his head with a grin and grabbed my hand. 

“If you’re not careful, I’m going to start working with another director.” 

“John, you know I’d never hold you back from that. Especially not right now.” 

He smiled. “You know there’s no one else I’d rather work with.” 

* * *

The new schedule and system had been working. I only worked three days a week which left me plenty of time to spend with Jamie. He initially felt guilty for my idea of shortening my week, but after some convincing, he came around to my way of thinking. A few mindblowing sexual acts made it pretty easy to sway his mind. 

And so that became our pattern. Only a few days a week we saw each other in passing, or at night after Jamie’s show. But the rest of the week, we worked at deepening our relationship. Both of us were already invested and really just wanted to spend time together. Jamie was always happy to regale me with stories from growing up in Scotland. I’d share stories of growing up on Broadway that he always marveled at. Our lives quickly became intertwined. It had been weeks since Jamie had been to his own apartment. After giving him a key, he took it as permission to never spend a night elsewhere. Not that I ever minded. My favorite way to wake up was in his arms. 

Two months passed in the blink of an eye. Being together was now our new normal. 

I was somewhere between sleeping and waking one night when I heard the door open and close. Jamie must have purposefully crept over to the couch because I didn’t hear him. The first thing that processed after the sound of the door was his lips against my forehead. Smiling, my eyes slowly opened to find him sitting on the couch next to my legs. 

“Hi.” 

“Good evening,” he teased. 

I sat up, pulling the blanket with me. “How was the show?” Before he could answer, I leaned in to kiss him quickly. 

“That depends. Were ye asking as my girlfriend or as my director?” 

I squinted at him suspiciously. “Well it was as your girlfriend –” 

“Then it went great!” 

Grabbing him by the shirt, I brought him in closer. “Now it’s as your director. What happened?” 

He shook his head, feigning ignorance. “Nothing. It went perfectly. Same as always.” 

“Jamie Fraser,” I scolded. 

“Fine,” he said with a sigh. “There was a jagged part of the table and Laoghaire stood too close to it. When she turned away it ripped her skirt.” I gaped at him. “But it was fine because any skin that showed was upstage and no one could have seen anything.” 

“Oh my god.” 

“And Louise walks off with her in that scene and she changed sides so that she could cover it up with her body,” Jamie recapped. “So, it all ended up fine. It was just a moment of shock.” 

“That’s ridiculous.” 

“There could be far worse things, no?” 

I nodded. “Of course there could.” I shook my head with a sigh. “I’m going to say something to you, my boyfriend, and not to you, the lead of the show.” 

He got an eager grin on his face. “Okay.” 

“Of course it was bloody Laoghaire that messed it up.” 

Jamie laid against the back of the couch as he laughed. “I appreciate your candor. What other dark secrets about the cast have ye been keeping from me all these months?” 

I rolled my eyes. “I would have thought you already knew I didn’t like Laoghaire.” 

He shrugged, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I had an inkling.” 

“What, from that night at the bar?” 

Jamie scooted closer to me, pulling my legs across his lap. “Perhaps even a bit before then.” 

I tried to think back to a time that I’d been more obvious about my dislike of Laoghaire. “When?” 

He grinned as he played with one of my hands. “Do ye recall that night that we stayed late at the theater, just the two of us?” I covered my face with the hand he wasn’t holding. “When you yelled at her to leave me alone, I had to wonder.” 

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ. I didn’t realize I was so bloody obvious.” 

Jamie laughed, taking my other hand as well. “Ye werena, I promise. It just made me wonder if you were annoyed by her in general or just because of me.” 

I was silent for a moment. “It was you,” I admitted. “God, I didn’t want it to be because of you, but it just was.” 

He leaned toward me and I met him the rest of the way. “I’m fine wi’ yer reasoning.” His lips pressed to mine and I cupped his face in my hands. 

When we broke apart, he sighed like he had something on his mind. All it took was one raised eyebrow for him to talk. “I had something I wanted to run by ye.” 

“Well, go ahead.” 

“Usually at Christmas, I go home to Scotland. But since I only have the 24th and 25th off, I wanted to invite my family to come to New York this year.” 

I nodded. “Okay. That’s not surprising. But you do realize that Christmas is a month away. I mean, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.” 

“Aye, I realize. But I wanted to ask you before I asked them because...well, I’d like ye to celebrate Christmas wi’ my family,” Jamie told me. He almost seemed nervous. 

I laid my hand against his cheek as a smile spread across my face. “You want me to spend Christmas with your family?” He nodded insistently. I leaned in and kissed him again. “Jamie, I would love that.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes!” I looked around the room. “In fact, you should have them come here. You know it’s a lot better than yours.” I grimaced until he agreed. “There’s more space at least.” 

“Are you sure?” His eyes held mine. 

I nodded happily to him. “I’m positive. It sounds lovely. Besides, Lamb has never been much of a Christmas person so I’ve spent many Christmases basically by myself or invited to someone’s open house. It will be a really nice change to spend it with your family.” 

Jamie surged forward and kissed me into the arm of the couch. “I love you,” he sighed. 

I laughed. “I love you too.” 

* * *

Another month passed just as quickly and I was preoccupied by Christmas plans for a family I really only knew through stories. 

I sat at my desk, not doing any work, but instead, focusing on Christmas decorations. I loved Christmas, but spending it alone made it seem sad to decorate. It was for no one but me. So this year, I was trying to do more. 

I held up a paper link chain for John. “How does this look?” 

John swiveled in his chair, glancing over at me. His brow furrowed. “Is that a chain made from scraps of wrapping paper?” I nodded with a smile. “Have you given up on attempting to work?” 

I shrugged. “Answer the question first.” 

He eyed the chain critically. “It’s cute.” 

“Thanks. I haven’t given up totally on work. I’m just trying to do more for Christmas this year and I wanted to run with the idea I had.” 

“Don’t you usually spend Christmas alone?” John asked. 

With a sigh, I tried to come up with a plausible explanation. “Yes, I do.” 

“So then, why do all this?” 

I tilted my head thoughtfully. “I guess it just fits in with the whole ‘doing more for myself’ kick I’ve been on.” 

“Well good for you, I suppose.” John turned to go back to work while I eyed my creation. “That would look charming over the window seat just past your office.” 

I smiled as I looked over at him. “Thanks for the suggestion. I think you’re right.” 

Later that morning, I called it a day, heading home to decorate some before Jamie brought his family back from the airport. He was on his way out as I ran in, my hands full of bags. Glancing down, he frowned. “What’s this?” 

I shrugged, deciding to surprise him too. “Oh, just some stuff I picked up on the way back from work.” I set them down before turning to him. “Shouldn’t you be heading to the airport?” I asked as my arms wrapped around his neck. 

His hands found my waist and squeezed. “Probably,” he admitted before kissing me softly. “Are ye still sure about this?” 

I laughed. “No, I decided just now to tell you that I changed my mind. I thought an hour and a half out would be a good time to do so.” 

He shook his head. “That would be rather terrible timing.”  

I leaned up on my toes and pressed my lips to his. “Go get your family. I’ll be here when you get back.” 

Jamie left and I quickly ran around stringing up lights and making my home as festive as possible. He’d tried reassuring me repeatedly that I didn’t have to decorate or do anything special. But the fact was, I was excited about spending Christmas with the Frasers. I was looking forward to a Christmas I wasn’t spending alone. And that was all because of Jamie. 

Twenty minutes before I expected them back, I threw some cookies in the oven, trying to make the apartment smell nice. Perhaps I was doing a bit much — throwing around decorations and baking — but I wanted to make a good impression on Jamie’s family. I’d met them before, but not as his girlfriend. Not as the woman who was keeping her relationship with their son and brother a secret. It was to his benefit, but I worried that they’d hold it against me. 

I’d never really met someone’s family before. The last time I’d dated someone seriously enough to warrant meeting the person’s family had been college. He never asked and neither did I. Lamb was a natural intimidator. There was a reason Jamie had yet to meet him as well. 

No matter how many times Jamie reassured me, it was a big deal to me. I’d liked them when I’d briefly met them on Opening Night. I only hoped they’d return that feeling once they really got to know me. 

I texted Jamie, hoping he’d tell me how far away they were. Walking from my phone, I went to my room to change clothes quickly. A green jumper seemed festive enough without being too on the nose. I paired it with a pair of black and white checked pants. Maybe a bit overdressed for my own apartment, but I was nervous. I’d rather be overdressed than underdressed. Suddenly, I wished Jamie had sent a car for them. He’d be able to wrangle in my nerves better than I could on my own. I wondered belatedly if Jamie insisted on picking them up so he could prepare them for meeting me. What if there was something about me he had to prepare them for? 

I was getting away from myself. The oven beeped, reminding me about the cookies. I shook my head, trying to get away from my previous train of thought. I loved Jamie and Jamie loved me. Hopefully, that would be enough for his family. 

A sound from the hallway grabbed my attention. I could hear Jamie’s laugh carrying down the corridor. The sound alone warmed me. I finished putting the cookies on a plate and straightened my sweater a bit. I heard the sound of the key in the door as I fluffed my hair slightly. 

Jamie had a happy look on his face as he walked in. His expression quickly turned to surprise as he took in the decorations I’d hung in his absence. He’d stopped in his tracks, making his family linger behind him. His eyes glanced to me before looking back around again. “I was here an hour ago,” he commented as he walked toward me. “Ye didna have to do this, Sassenach.” 

I shrugged. “It was fun.” 

He shook his head at me before his arm came around my shoulder. Gesturing to his family, he said, “Welcome! As you all might remember, this is Claire.” 

I waved timidly to them, wishing I had some of my professional confidence to get me through this moment. 

Really, I shouldn’t have been worried. Same as when she met me, Ellen Fraser ran over to me and wrapped me in a big hug. “Claire, it’s so lovely to see ye again!” 

“And you,” I agreed, returning the hug. “Welcome!”

After Ellen, the rest of the Frasers followed suit and hugged me. It was the reaction I should have expected. They were all so warm and friendly, just like Jamie. We stood in a small circle in my kitchen, Jamie’s arm around my shoulders. 

“I’m so glad you could all make it for Christmas,” I said, unsure of what else to say. 

“Well Jamie usually comes home, but I suppose he has a good reason not to,” Jenny remarked. “Besides, Jamie’s never brought a lass home for Christmas, so we had to jump at the opportunity.” 

I started to chuckle, feeling Jamie tense next to me. Squeezing his waist, I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Thanks, Janet,” he said. 

She shrugged, a grin on her face. “Facts are facts, James,” she replied, pointedly saying his full name as he’d said hers. 

“Thank ye for having us to yer home, Claire,” Brian said, gesturing to my home. “Tis a nice place ye have here.” 

I started to feel a bit shy again. Jamie must have been able to sense it, holding me slightly closer. “Thank you,” I replied in a small voice. “I, uh, I like it here.” I shot an uncertain look at Jamie and he grinned down at me before kissing my temple. 

We congregated towards the other room, sitting down and letting the pressure of the moment dissipate. Ian started talking about the flight to New York and cracked a joke about a loud child onboard. Jamie joined in, sharing a story about a rude theatergoer and the conversation shifted as Ellen pressed Jamie to tell stories from the show. I sat back, listening to stories he’d told me each night as he came home. But there was a comfortability there as he told them to me and his family together. 

After a few hours, it was time for Jamie to get ready to go to the theater. It was his last show before his short break for Christmas. Ellen stood up and went to grab her jacket. “Well if Jamie has to go, I suppose we should be off to our hotel.” 

“You don’t have to!” I offered. They all looked at me. “Just because Jamie’s leaving doesn’t mean you have to retire for the evening. You’re welcome to stay. If you’d like.” 

“Claire, ye dinna have to do that just to impress us or something,” Ian assured me. 

I laughed, shaking my head. “I really meant it. You’re welcome to stay.” 

They shared looks before Jenny and Ian plopped back down on the couch. “Okay then.” 

Brian sat back down too but Ellen looked unsure. “I dinna want to offend ye, Claire. I rather thought that when Jamie left, we would too.” I nodded in understanding. “And so I planned a surprise for Brian and me for this evening.” Brian’s eyebrows rose as he looked at his wife. 

“And what is this surprise?” Jenny asked. 

“Well it’s still a surprise,” Ellen said pointedly. 

“And ye were just going to leave Ian and me to our own devices?” Jenny pressed. 

Ellen shrugged. “Ye’re both adults. I figured ye could find something that sounded fun to ye. I didna think we had to babysit ye both.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh. Jenny clucked her tongue loudly. “Well, I see. I suppose we’ll just stay here and hang out wi’ Claire, then.” She glanced over at me. “If that’s still alright wi’ ye, of course.” 

I nodded to her with a smile. “Fine by me.” 

Jamie walked back into the room, throwing on his coat. “Ye ken the hotel I made ye a reservation at, right?” he asked. 

“We do,” Jenny informed him. “But Claire invited us to stay.” 

Jamie looked over at me, a confused expression crossing his face. He walked back toward my office, nodding his head for me to follow. I walked after him. When I entered the office, he brought me into his embrace. “I ken ye wanted to make a good impression wi’ my family, but you don’t have to entertain them this evening.” 

I looked up at him. “Well I think it’s really just going to be Jenny and Ian. Apparently your mother made plans for her and your father. And I’m happy to spend time with them, Jamie. I want to get to know your family and this is my opportunity.” 

He raised one brow at me. “Are ye sure?” 

I leaned up and kissed him softly. “I’m sure. Besides, it’ll be nice be nice to spend time with someone who actually knows about our relationship.” 

Jamie laughed, kissing my forehead. “I can understand that. Just ken that if they start to annoy ye, ye’re more than welcome to send them back to their hotel.” 

I rolled my eyes. “I doubt they’ll annoy me. But if they do, I know plenty of tricks to put up with annoying people. I did work with Laoghaire for several months.” 

He chuckled. “Alright. Tis yer decision. Have a good time. Dinna let them lie about me.” 

It was my turn to laugh. “Oh, my biggest motivation to spend time with them is to hear all the best stories about you. I’m sure your sister and best friend have the best ones.” 

Jamie shook his head, narrowing his eyes at me. “You canna believe everything they tell ye.” 

“Sure, Darling.” I kissed him before walking from the office. 

Jamie said goodbye to his family and shot me a look before he left the apartment. Ellen and Brian lingered for a bit, not needing to leave just yet. We sat around my living room as we had been earlier. It was surprising to me how comfortable I still felt with them, even without Jamie there. 

Ian stood up and wandered over to my bookcase. “So, this is yer Tony, huh?” he asked, touching one finger to the award. 

“Yep.” I watched as he stared at it. “Jamie will have one too.” 

“Ye think so?” Ellen asked. 

I looked over at her with a smile. “Oh yes. Even if it’s not for this show, he will. He’s a brilliant actor. I mean, you know. You’ve seen him.” 

She smiled fondly. “We used to go to his performances in school. Or in the community theater shows that he was cast in. And we always thought he was wonderful. We could see how much joy it brought him.” I could see the memories playing across her face. “When he told us he wanted to move to New York, none of us were exactly surprised. He’d tried to find success in Edinburgh, but the opportunities just weren’t there. We hated to see him go, but it makes it all worth it now.” 

I tilted my head as I watched her. It was a story I’d heard before — actors moving to New York to find success. All too many times it didn’t end up that way. Families were unsupportive and roles didn’t happen. It made my heart so happy that it wasn’t the case for Jamie. He’d found the part, and even if he hadn’t, his family was there for him. 

“Of course, we ken he flubbed the truth a bit,” Brian added. “When he actually called us with news of a real show he was in, it was obvious that he’d stretched things a bit.” 

I chuckled to myself. “He told me that. It was part of why I wouldn’t let him pass on the part. I mean, obviously, he was perfect for it. But I knew he deserved his shot. His big break.” 

“I havena read any reviews, I’ll admit. Jamie said it got good reviews,” Jenny pressed. “I wanted to read something but I didn’t want to come across someone saying Jamie was shite. I knew I’d just get angry.” 

Shaking my head, I laughed. “I read a ton of them. More than I should have. But I never came across one who said that. Thankfully. Having a terrible lead rather tanks a show.” 

There was a silence that hung in the room. “It’s nice to hear it from a professional,” Ian said, interrupting the quiet. “We always thought he was good, but to hear it from someone wi’ experience in this line of work is nice.” 

“There’s a strong chance I’m a bit biased,” I admitted. “But I wasn’t the only one who wanted him for this role. It was all of us.” 

“Well, I am glad you did,” Ellen said. “I’ll say this now while Jamie’s no’ around. I’ve never seen him so happy. And tis no’ just the show.” I smiled, my hand resting over my heart. 

“Thank you,” I replied, almost a bit choked up. 

“He calls us a lot, usually when he’s heading to the theater,” Jenny told me. I knew he did that. “And you can tell, even over the phone, that he’s just happy.” 

“I appreciate that.” I took a breath. “I know I am. And realistically, I know he is. But that observation from the people who know him best...well, it’s nice to hear.” 

“Ye’re good for him,” Ian said as he walked back over and sat on the couch. I nodded to him with a smile of thanks. 

“We better get going,” Ellen announced, standing up to get her coat. “But Claire, thank ye for having us. And I believe we’ll be back here tomorrow, as well?” 

“I think that’s the plan.” I stood up, accepting another hug from both of Jamie’s parents. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

They bid goodbye to Jenny and Ian, setting up a time for the morning before departing. Ian sat down with his hands behind his head. “Okay, now that the old people are gone, what are we going to get up to?” 

Jenny shook her head at him, but I laughed. “Claire, what do ye think we should do?” Jenny asked. 

“Well you’re the ones who don’t live here. What do you want to do?” 

“We went to most of the tourist spots when we came back in September. So as a New Yorker, what would give us a good New York experience?” Jenny continued. 

I bit my lip, trying to think of the best ideas. “We can always start with dinner and see what we feel like doing after that.” 

Ian threw his hands up. “Sounds good to me.” He jumped up, holding a hand out to pull Jenny off the couch. “You pick the restaurant.” I groaned. I hated having to pick places to eat for everyone. It made it even worse that I barely knew them. 

We ended up at a restaurant in Little Italy that I was fond of. They seemed alright with Italian. As we chatted over dinner, I could see how Ian and Jamie had been best friends for so long. They had remarkably similar senses of humor. Jenny and Ian regaled me with plenty of entertaining stories about growing up with Jamie. I loved hearing each story. The one that amused me the most was Jamie dressing up and putting on an elaborate one man show for the children of the small village they lived in. It seemed to certainly be in line with the man I knew now. 

I laughed hysterically as I told them about the time that I came home from work on Halloween and found Jamie dressed as the Phantom. 

“Christ, please tell me he didna try to sing for ye,” Jenny said as she laughed with me. 

“That was my mistake. I asked him to sing “Music of the Night” to me and I shut that down after about five notes,” I informed them through my laughter. 

“Why the Phantom?” Ian asked. “Did he bring ye an elaborate dress to be Christine?” 

“He did actually find me a dress. It was ridiculous and rather hilarious.” Grabbing my phone, I pulled up the picture of the two of us from Halloween and showed it to them. We hadn’t gone anywhere, but it had been fun. I took a sip of my drink before answering his original question. “He dressed as the Phantom because one time, before we were even dating, I’d told him that when I first saw that show, I was attracted to the Phantom.” 

Ian burst out laughing. “Oh, Jamie.” 

“I will say,” I continued, “he worked that half mask quite well.” 

“It looks very becoming on him,” Jenny joked. 

After dinner, I let Jenny and Ian decide what we would do next. Jenny apologized, but dragged me to Rockefeller Center to go ice skating. I assured them it would be an insanely long line, but they had already made up their minds. I didn’t even try to keep track of how long we waited. We kept up conversation as we made our way through the line. Once we were allowed in, it was crowded, but admittedly, kind of fun. 

Ian gathered us together with the tree in the background. He pulled out his phone and took a picture of all of us. Showing it to us, we all commented that it was a good picture before Jenny and I skated off again. He caught up to us after a moment. “I sent it to Jamie,” he commented. “Thought he’d want a picture of all his favorite people.” 

I slowed unconsciously as I skated. It felt like an honor to be considered one of Jamie’s favorite people. Especially considering who the others were. 

That night, I had only been home for ten minutes when Jamie walked in the door. I turned around and he wrapped me in his arms, kissing me soundly. “Hi,” I greeted. 

“Hi,” he said, kissing me again. “How was yer evening?” 

I laid my head against his chest, wrapping my arms around him tighter. “It was really fun! I had a great time with Jenny and Ian.” 

He planted a kiss in my hair. “Good, I’m glad.” Standing back, he gave me a look. “So, I heard ye went ice skating at Rockefeller Center.” 

“I did.” 

“Isn’t that a bit touristy?” I rolled my eyes, knowing where this was going. “I once told ye that we should go to the top of the Empire State Building and you told me you wouldna be caught dead doing something so touristy.” 

“And I stand by that. We are both New Yorkers and don’t need to do that. But Jenny and Ian wanted to go ice skating, so we went. It wasn’t my decision,” I defended. “Also, I was with two tourists.” 

He shook his head, but I saw a small smile on his lips. “Whatever.” Jamie walked over to get a glass of water. “But ye had a nice time?” 

I nodded happily. “They’re great.” 

A broad smile crossed Jamie’s face. “I’m glad ye think so.” 

I walked over to where he was standing, tucking into his side. “Did they have anything to say?” 

His arm came around my waist. “Ian might have texted me to tell me how much fun they were having wi’ ye.” I glanced up at him and could tell by the look on his face how much it meant that we all got along. 

“So, how was the show?” I asked, changing the subject. Jamie started telling me, walking into our room as he changed clothes. I sat on the bed and listened. Once he was finished changing, he stood in front of me. Starting with a kiss, he laid me back on the bed and we were done talking about our evenings. 

* * *

I woke on Christmas morning to the feeling of lips against my cheek. Turning my head, I saw Jamie smiling next to me. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in close. His arms came around me, holding me to him. 

The day before we’d spent with his family. It had been a fun day where the Frasers shared their Christmas traditions with me. There had been several times I’d glanced over at Jamie and saw the touched look on his face. If it meant a lot to me that his family was making me so welcome, it meant more to him. 

“What time is your family coming over today?” I asked as he started to kiss a trail down my neck. 

“Eleven.” 

“That’s rather late.” 

“Not to me,” he remarked. I peeled open one eye and looked at him. He met my gaze before moving his lips to my chest. “I wanted to have time to do what I wanted this morning.” 

“And what’s that?” 

His head lifted and he shot me a confused look. “If ye dinna ken the answer to that, then ye’re no’ really paying attention, are ye?” He pulled my pajama top up and brought his mouth down again. A groan escaped my lips before I could stop it. “There ye go.” I pulled my top up the rest of the way and threw it to the floor. His hand was at my other breast as he moved his way down my torso. 

He placed a kiss at my belly button when my hand went to his hair. “You realize you haven’t even kissed me yet this morning.” 

“What do ye consider this?” he asked, pointedly placing a kiss to my hip. 

I tugged at his hair, pulling him up toward me. “You know what I mean,” I said before crushing my mouth to his. He responded happily, chuckling against my lips. I held him to me as we shared a long, deep kiss. His body settled between my legs and I could tell he was ready for more. I was fine taking our time. 

He started pushing at my pajama pants and I shimmied them off with his help. We got him out of his and he returned to me with a heated kiss. Taking our time was out of the question now. His hands roved across my body, stoking the fire building within me. I shot my hips up to his and he ground against me. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I reached down and grabbed him. He groaned into my neck but took my hint. We moved together, paying attention to the other’s tells that we’d grown so familiar with in the last few months. It was a dance and we followed each other, finding our mutual pleasure in the other. Today, it was a slow dance, as we climbed higher and higher til we reached the crest together. 

Jamie laid next to me, my hand in his. Once I had enough energy, I rolled onto my side, facing him. “Can I say something in full sincerity?” He nodded. “This is probably the best Christmas morning I’ve ever had.” Jamie laughed and pulled me closer, kissing me soundly. 

A couple hours and a second round in the shower later, Jamie’s family arrived to celebrate Christmas with us. We opened presents and drank eggnog, told stories, and generally enjoyed everyone’s company. 

In the early afternoon, Ellen started making some Christmas cookies from scratch. She had a recipe she knew by heart — passed down from her mother and her grandmother before that. I felt overly emotional when she called me in to help her. As I stood in the kitchen with her, following her instructions and creating something with her, I started to miss my own mother. It had been years since I’d felt it so strongly. I’d been so young when she and my father passed, that often, I just didn’t recognize what I was missing. But as I stood there with Ellen Fraser, acting nearly like mother and daughter, I was overcome with emotion. Tears stung my eyes and I helped form the cookies and put them on the pan. She put them in the oven and I excused myself to my bedroom. 

Jamie followed me into the room, not saying anything, but wrapping me in a tight hug. He’d given me a family again — one that was more than just an orphaned girl and an overworked uncle. It was a strange sensation, but I knew I didn’t want to lose it. 

I pulled myself together and the rest of the day was spent working on the typical Fraser Christmas dinner. Jamie and I were far from experienced cooks, but we helped where we could. In the end, we all crammed around my small kitchen table and shared a lovely home cooked meal together. They told me stories of Scotland and made me yearn to go there someday. Jamie echoed his promise that he’d take me to see his home. 

When they were leaving, we all shared long goodbyes. Jamie was going to see them off tomorrow, but I wasn’t able to. In the few days they’d been here, they’d made me feel like part of the family. Like they were my family. I hugged them all tightly and told them, honestly, that I hoped I’d get to see them again soon. 

The next day when Jamie got back from taking them to the airport, I’d finished up a call with John that we’d scheduled. Neither of us had wanted to go into the office, but had things to discuss. I was walking out of my home office when he walked in. We met in the middle and shared a quick kiss. 

Jamie had a fond smile on his face. “They loved you, mo nighean donn.” 

“Really?” 

“Oh aye. It was all Mam could talk about. She kept saying that someday when I have more time, I have to bring ye to Scotland,” he informed me with a shake of his head. 

“Well, you know I’d like that.” 

He kissed my forehead. “Me too.” 

I took a deep breath, thinking on the conclusion I’d come to as he left to take his family back to the airport. I’d treasured the time with his family and how it had made me feel. They’d made me a part of their family in the few days that they’d been here and I loved it. 

But it only reminded me of how I’d never introduced Jamie to Uncle Lamb. He knew why I hadn’t and assured me it was fine. I was always worried about how Uncle Lamb would react. The odds of him approving of me dating an actor were slim to none. Still, when Ian had mentioned “Jamie’s favorite people” it made me feel bad that my favorite people had yet to meet. And they lived in the same city. Our relationship was a secret for a reason, but it didn’t need to be a secret from Lamb any longer. 

I held Jamie close and pressed my forehead to his. “So, I came to a conclusion.” 

His eyes opened and looked back at me. “Oh?” 

Taking a deep breath, I stood back and grabbed his hands. His eyebrows lifted as he watched me. 

“I want you to meet Lamb.”

Next chapter

[hockeylvr59]

Proving Your Worth Part 9 || Jonathan Toews

Requested: [ ] yes [ ] no [x] sorta

Authors Note: Well this is another thing that took me forever because I wasn’t quite sure where to take it. It’s kind of another transition chapter but there’s some cute relationship content in it as well. Hopefully, you enjoy it. Gif credit to jokiiharju.

Warnings: none        

Word Count: 2,075

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Thanksgiving at home had been something you’d been looking forward to. Because your mom worked retail, she had to work until 2pm meaning that you would just spend the morning with your sisters watching the parade before heading to a family friend’s house for dinner and board games while football played in the background. This had been your family’s routine for quite a few years and it was one you enjoyed tremendously. 

Having woken up with a severe bout of morning sickness was not how you’d wanted to start your day. You didn’t exactly want to deal with all of the questions of why you were vomiting because you still hadn’t told your family that you had gone through with artificial insemination and were expecting. Thankfully your mom had already left for work and only your dad and sisters were home and all three of them were still asleep upstairs as you knelt over the downstairs toilet. You knew you needed to tell them but it was something that was better done in person and you hadn’t wanted to get into it after arriving home the night before. 

Thankfully, after grabbing some crackers from a cabinet in the kitchen your stomach settled and by the time the rest of the house awoke, you were feeling fine once more. The beginning of the parade with the Broadway performances was always the best part for you and your sisters and the three of you chatted while watching, pausing to make brunch partway through and then fast-forwarding through the commercials. 

It wasn’t until the parade was over that any of you made the effort to get dressed, and since this was never a super formal affair, you slipped on a pair of jeans and a sweater, pulling your hair back and doing a bare minimum makeup job. It wasn’t like you were trying to impress anyone, and now that things between you and Jon were serious and committed...you felt even more confident just being yourself. You had been surprised to find that buttoning your jeans had been harder than usual but since you didn’t have a mirror, you didn’t notice that almost overnight your stomach had started to pudge out just a little, the next physical sign that there really was a baby growing inside of you. 

With the Hawks in Florida for Thanksgiving, you were expecting a call from Jon at some point but it hadn’t arrived by the time you left the house headed 20 minutes north. 

Dinner was delicious and the company had you laughing hysterically within minutes of arriving. Your family friends had lived in Chicago for a number of years so you enjoyed talking about all of the things you got to see while living there including all of the home hawks games, your job making their sons jealous. It was while you were talking about the hawks season that your phone buzzed and pulling it out of your back pocket you immediately couldn’t help but smile seeing that Jon had sent you a text. Opening it you were surprised to find that attached was a video...that was new...and after excusing yourself for a moment, you slipped into the next room to play it. 

Jon’s smiling face filled your screen and you watched as he wished you a happy thanksgiving before suddenly the screen was being jostled and you could see the rest of the team sitting around a long table with mounds of food on it all yelling at you with the same well wishes. It was cute and made you smile to know that since he knew you were busy that instead of calling he just decided to make you feel a little bit included into his own holiday. By the time you had finished watching the clip, another text had come through asking if the two of you could talk later that night because he missed you. Your heart fluttered and you knew that you were in so deep, but for some reason, now you weren’t scared of that feeling. 

When you returned to the living room, you found a room full of people figuring out how to cast photos from their iPhones to the new tv your friends had recently gotten. You debated for a moment about the thought that had popped into your head and after a moment you decided that it certainly couldn’t hurt.

“Let me try. I just got a cute video you guys should see.” You declared, quickly following the directions that had been discussed as you were walking into the room. After a moment the paused text message video popped up on the screen. There wasn’t anything in it that would signal anything more than friends and coworkers so you didn’t think Jon would mind if you shared it. Pressing play you watched the video once more, smiling to yourself at the rambunctious group of men that you were becoming closer and closer to through your relationship with Jon. 

When it finished, half of the room was staring at you and you quirked a brow in confusion. “What....you think I don’t know the guys?” You declared playing it off. “They’re in Florida having a team thanksgiving and decided to share.” Though that video itself wasn’t likely to end up on social media you were sure one like it would since at least some of the younger guys had active social media accounts. 

The youngest of the boys shook his head after a minute. “Wait...you don’t just work for the Hawks, you interact with the players?” He questioned causing you to laugh. 

“Yeah...I mean I deal with their paperwork at the beginning of the season and it’s not like I don’t run into them in the halls. I’ve talked with some of them before, been invited to a night out drinking.” 

“That’s so cool.” He stated amazed. You could tell that he was about to start asking a million questions that you really didn’t want to answer if you didn’t cut him off.

“I’ll just tell you that they’re all pretty funny guys and they have some great stories to share but I’m not about to go breaking their trust by saying anything more than that.” 

Thankfully the subject was quickly changed and before long you were all surrounding the table once more with another silly board game in the middle.

The rest of the evening passed quickly and it wasn’t long before you had headed home. With your mom having to work early the next morning she headed to bed and your dad and sisters decided to hit some of the sales to do some Christmas shopping. They’d invited you to join but you were aching to talk to Jon and so you declined, instead deciding to enjoy the beautiful night, grabbing a blanket and heading outside to make a small fire in the fire pit. 

With that going you curled up on the outdoor loveseat and texted to see if Jon was available to talk. Not even a minute later your phone was ringing and an easy smile slipped onto your face as you answered. 

“Hey, handsome.” You breathed, your smile growing as you heard him hum in response through the telephone. 

“Hey.” He whispered back and you could hear the fatigue in his voice. 

“How’s Florida? You sound tired. If you want to go to bed I won’t be mad, I know it’s late.” You stated, quickly being cut off with the assurance that he wanted to talk to you. 

“Florida is good. Warm.” He declared. “Call me crazy but I can’t wait to get back to Chicago on Saturday night.” 

“You might be a little crazy.” You teased. “But trust me, as much as I love home I can’t wait to get back to Chicago too...I miss you.” 

“Miss you too gorgeous.” He murmured. When he spoke again his voice had dropped in volume. “Miss baby too.” He added. “How’s little one doing?” 

“I mean besides still making me sick they’re great.” You assured him, loving that you had reached a point where the air was finally clear between the two of you considering the slightly odd circumstances of it all. 

For a few minutes, the two of you just talked about random things, Jon telling you stories about the boys and you telling him about the “green dumpster monster” in one of the games you’d played. When the laughter died down, Jon went silent for a minute before speaking hesitantly. 

“Can I ask you a question?” He asked. Ignoring the fact that he just had you assured him that of course, he could. “Do you wanna invite your family to Chicago for Christmas? Maybe these family friends you’re close to  too since they’re from the area.” Before you could even respond he continued. “Just hear me out...I was thinking...we’re on the road before and after Christmas so my parents and David are gonna come to Chicago...I thought maybe if everyone was in Chicago we could do our mornings in individual groups and then have everyone over for dinner.” 

There were so many overwhelming things with that question. First, your apartment was not big enough to hold your entire family. You were already aware you needed to find someplace larger before the baby arrived. Two, he wanted your parents to meet his parents. That was...that was really serious, especially because the two of you would have only been official for a month by Christmas. Hearing your silence, Jon backpedaled. “It’s okay if that’s too much I just. I want to spend Christmas with you. And with the baby, I figured...well I figured that yeah our families should meet sooner rather than later.” Thinking about it still, you bit your lip because it was a lot but he was right. 

“No...Jon...you have a point. You just took me off guard.” You admitted. “I just...my apartment isn’t big enough for my family and while you’re right about the second part, that’s just...it’s a little overwhelming.” 

“I know it is,” Jon assured you. “But if it’s something you want I’d be happy to get your family a hotel room and don’t even try and talk me out of that. I...I just want you to know how serious I am about this...about you and with my career family can be hard and I don’t want to let an opportunity pass by because of fear. Little one deserves all of the good things. So do you.” 

With everything Jonathan was doing for you, it was hard to tell him that you wouldn’t do something that clearly meant so much to him. 

“Okay. I’ll talk to my parents.” You declared. “But are you sure about adding even more people to the mix?” You prodded knowing that while his place was large, that would be a lot of people to entertain when he was only getting back into town the early morning hours of Christmas Eve. His response was immediate though.

“Of course I am. If they’re important to you, they’re important to me and if they’d be interested in being in the area anyway I see no reason not to add a few more to dinner. We’ll have a chef of course.” He elaborated, quickly clearing the air that he had no plans on cooking. 

“Okay.” You simply murmured, a yawn slipping from your throat. 

“Okay.” He echoed, and you could practically hear his smile through the phone. “I’ll let you get some sleep.” He breathed after a moment having heard your yawn. “But hey...come over when you get back to Chicago?” He requested. 

“I’d like nothing more.” You agreed, promising to do just that. After saying goodnight you hung up the phone and after adjusting the dying fire so that it was extinguished, you headed inside and to the couch to sleep, thoughts of how to tell your parents about the baby and ask them about Christmas filling your head. 

Three days later you were snuggled up on the couch in Jon’s arms having told your family about your little one and having inquired about Christmas in Chicago. Your mom agreed to see if she could get off work and so though Christmas plans were pending, they were headed in a positive direction. Things were looking up, and it was all thanks to a certain brown-eyed man. 

[insanityclause]

Exactly two months to the day they closed their acclaimed run in London, the cast of Harold Pinter’s “Betrayal” is stepping into the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre on Broadway for the first look at their new surroundings. On Aug. 14, they will begin previews of the drama for a 17-week limited engagement of what is widely regarded as one of the Noble Prizewinning writer’s greatest works.

Directed by Jaime Lloyd, who has become one of the foremost interpreters of Pinter, this version is designed so that none of the actors ever leave the stage. The trio are all recognizable from their screen exploits — Tom Hiddleston and Charlie Cox are beloved characters from the Marvel universe as Thor’s trickster brother Loki and blind attorney Matt Murdock in “Daredevil,” respectively. And Zawe Ashton recently made a splash opposite Jake Gyllenhaal in Netflix’s “Velvet Buzzsaw.”

Told backwards in chronology, the play tracks married couple Robert (Hiddleston) and Emma (Ashton) as their relationship unravels after Emma begins an affair with her husband’s best friend Jerry (Cox). But it also dives into the destruction of Emma and Jerry’s affair, as well as Robert and Jerry’s friendship. As with most Pinter, the characters are often sparse in their language in emotion, and words left unsaid often cut the deepest. A simple game of squash takes on much significance — the camaraderie, the competition, and ultimately what it means when they stop playing together.

The cast sat down with Variety to discuss squash and other games people play, with what Pinter means to them, and how their paths have crossed in the past, leading to this moment.

What does it mean to you to be here in New York, making your Broadway debut?

Zawe Ashton: It is a dream come true, actually. I’ve seen some of the best things I’ve ever seen in this very theater, including the show previous to us, “The Ferrymen.”

Tom Hiddleston: I first came to Broadway with my dad and my sisters when I was 17. It was my first time seeing the city and I remember going into Times Square and we went to see “Follies.” This was before I was even thinking about being an actor — or maybe in the back of my head I had decided. The first time I was in this theater I saw Samuel L. Jackson and Angela Bassett doing “The Mountaintop.”

Charlie, you actually live out here, are you planning on showing them around? Charlie Cox: Oh, yes. There’s a few places I want to take them.

Ashton: [Laughs] How can you make that sound sinister?

Cox: I’m not sure the places I like will be what you’re imagining. I want to take them to Bubby’s. It’s a restaurant with a great all-American brunch.

What does “all-American” mean to Brits?

Cox: Fried chicken and waffles.

Hiddleston: And big portions.

Cox: And coffee that keeps being filled up. You have to put a napkin over it to stop them.

Hiddleston: Right. If you have a second coffee in the UK you have to pay for it.

Cox: It’s crazy. When I get my coffee, I need to put my milk and sugar and the proportions have to be right. When they fill your coffee up over here, the proportions are all off. Also, you feel like you’re on rocket fuel and you don’t know why.

Ashton: Anything else we need to experience?

Cox: Well, these two are too healthy but I’d love to introduce you to half-and-half. It’s one of the best inventions in the world. It’s cream and milk.

Hiddleston: I know about that. This isn’t, like, my first time in America.

Cox: Oh, and I’d love to introduce you to McDonald’s. [Laughs.]

Hiddleston: I’m really excited about the seasons. I’ve spent time in New York before but it’s only been for like two weeks at a time. To be here from summer into fall into winter…

Cox: Fall is an illusion in New York. You get a weekend in the 70s, and that’s it.

Ashton: No, but the colors and the trees! And Thanksgiving is going to be amazing!

How did you first become familiar with the work of Harold Pinter and specifically “Betrayal”?

Hiddleston: For my A-Level English literature, we did a play of Pinter’s called “The Homecoming.” What I found so interesting was “The Homecoming” was so spare and so precise and so grown-up. I remember my teacher encouraging us to think about this play as about power and sex and family, all in a very brutal way. That it’s a father and sons competing for supremacy. I remember thinking: “This is reading a bit too much into it, isn’t it?” But it isn’t. As a 17-year-old, I just didn’t realize there was a writer engaging so consciously at this level.

Then I read “Betrayal” at the Royal Academy of Dramatic arts as an exercise for a dramaturgy class. I read it in one sitting and I did think, at the age of 21, “This would be an amazing thing to do one day.”

Ashton: We did a couple months of scene study at drama school and I played Anna in “Old Times.” I was 19 and I loved it and we actually nailed the scene study. I mean, we were 19-year-olds, maybe it was terrible. But my head of year said to me: “If I had known how easy Pinter was going to be for you, I would have given you something else.”

Was it easy?

Ashton: No! It wasn’t easy! But what I think he identified that if you vibe with Pinter, you’re kind of a special breed of person. If you can lean into all the violence and brutality and also see the tenderness and experience the special viewpoint he has of human relationships, you have a friend for life.

And you vibed with him from the start? Ashton: 100%. And now I love him even more. Doing “Betrayal” is about having to invest in a love affair with these two men, but I also feel I’ve invested in a love affair with Pinter. I’ve wanted to read his poetry, I’ve wanted to think about him, I’ve wanted to read the books Joan Bakewell and Lady Antonia Fraser wrote about him. Just to try and piece together the man who I’ve never met. Charlie has.

You’ve met Pinter?

Cox: The first play I did in the West End was with Jaime Lloyd, “The Collection.” Harold was part of numerous rehearsals and came to see the play many times. I got some great Harold stories that I’m still dining out on! During that time, I read “Betrayal.” Harold died the following year. It’s funny, my wife and I live in Connecticut and when I was offered this play I walked into my local bookshop and it was sitting right there.

A year ago, you didn’t know you’d be doing “Betrayal” in London, let alone here.

Cox: Four weeks ago we didn’t know we’d be here! It all happened very fast. When we closed in London, we thought we were done.

My understanding is this all began last October, when Tom and Zawe did a reading from the play at the “Pinter at the Pinter” gala?

Ashton: It sprung from that gala and people thinking we were rehearsing it already. People kept coming up to me and asking if we were doing a full production. So at the gala I basically came up to Tom and said, “What are you doing in March 2019?” And you were like, “Uh, get away from me, crazy lady.”

Hiddleston: It was an interesting night because it was celebration of all his work as a gift to [his widow] Antonia Fraser and it was 10 years after he died. But it wasn’t a heavy night, it was a celebration. And people came back to do extracts. The production Jaime Lloyd directed of “The Homecoming” came back. Jeremy Irons came back to do “No Man’s Land.”

Wait, Jeremy Irons starred in the film version of “Betrayal.”  Were you intimidated to do a scene in front of him?

Hiddleston: Well, less intimidated because I played his son in “The Hollow Crown.” There were several “Betrayal” alumni. Sam West was there, who played Robert at the Donmar Warehouse. Kristin Scott Thomas, who has played Emma, was also there. There was something very generous about this company of great, established actors who had made a great impact with Pinter’s work saying to Zawe and myself, “If you’re not doing it, you should do it.”

Ashton: It was such a compliment.

Hiddleston: Then Antonia Fraser also said, “Would you like to do it?” And Jaime leaned across and said, “Let’s do it!” So it came together very fast. And Jaime’s first suggestion for Jerry was Charlie, but he said you couldn’t do it.

Cox: The show I was doing [“Daredevil”] was going to be scheduled for another season at the time. So they went out to find somebody else. Then my show got cancelled and I called my agent and said I would love to do a play. I didn’t hear for a bit and I finally got him on the phone and was about to say “I’ve been trying to call you!” — but in a very nice, English way. And before I could say anything he said, “How would you like to do ‘Betrayal’ with Zawe Ashton and Tom Hiddleston?” I paused and said, “I’d like that very much.”

Ashton: If “Daredevil” hadn’t been canceled you wouldn’t have been able to do it.

That has to take some of sting out of cancellation.

Cox: It did, yeah.

This play doesn’t work without the chemistry between the characters, even when they are constantly competing and  one-upping each other. Did you know each other prior to working together and was that chemistry pretty instant?

Cox: Tom and I knew each other. We were bouncing around L.A. at the same time early in our careers.

Hiddleston: The truth is, we first met bumping into each other auditions for the same films that neither of us would get. After like the fourth time, we said, “Let’s go get a burger.”

Ashton: We’d been intersecting for years. Weird things have happened: Tom and I sat next to each other years before at the theater. We did the gala but weirdly, we’d also done a reading a couple weeks before that. And then Charlie and I realized we had auditioned together years ago.

Cox: I’m almost sure it was you. I didn’t get it.

Ashton: I didn’t either. And it was definitely you.

Hiddleston: That’s how most actors know each, they audition for things they don’t get.

Ashton: This could be the most unpleasant experience; it could really be toxically bad. What has happened is it has been the most joyful experience ever. That’s not to say we’re not completely embedded in the raw pain of the play. But I think you realize when you get to a certain age that you don’t need it to bleed into your lives and you don’t need to carry it home. I don’t want to do that with Harold Pinter because you can and you will go mad.

Hiddleston: It’s one of those things, you can’t put your finger on why it works, but it works and it’s a great pleasure

Cox: That one-upmanship you talked about that’s in the text; if that were to manifest between us as actors, it would be awful.

Ashton: However….there was a squash game.

Cox: Let’s not talk about that.

Ashton: It did spill over into that game.

Cox: Look, it’s not about who wins or loses, it’s about who’s fitter. And Tom is fitter than I am.

Hiddleston: It was very instructive, playing squash. Some of those scenes, the competition is in the subtext, the brutality to each other is underneath it while they’re being civil on the surface. After we played squash, those scenes played themselves.

Cox: I still have a buttock injury from that last game. I was desperately trying to reach a ball because I was so determined to keep up! We had one day where we had five solid sessions and then Zawe joined us for the spa.

Leaving behind these characters at the end of the day could be a challenge. Are you able to do that?

Cox: Sometimes I’ll be at the end of the day and I’ll be agitated in some way and then I remember; of course, I just got off stage.

Ashton: I’ve often said I’ve felt like a baby who needed to be burped. There’s so much repression in the play and people aren’t saying what they mean and you want to cry but you have to hold it in. Sometimes I want to cry for three days.

Hiddleston: My favorite actor of all time Paul Scofield said: “The emotions are real, but they aren’t mine.” Which I think sums it up. Actors investigate something real but the situation doesn’t belong to them. So I know consciously I’m not Robert, I know I haven’t been betrayed. But when I investigate his sadness, some aspect of that belongs to me. It sometimes leaves a shadow.

“Betrayal” has been performed in America before, obviously, but are you curious about how Broadway audiences will respond versus London audiences?

Cox: We get a lot of Americans in London. I don’t think it’s going to be radically different.

Ashton: I think it’s going to be radically different. I think there’s going to be some exciting new things having an American audience is going to illuminate. I think it’s going to be interesting.

“Betrayal” runs at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre through Dec. 8.

[maryxglz]

Exactly two months to the day they closed their acclaimed run in London, the cast of Harold Pinter’s “Betrayal” is stepping into the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre on Broadway for the first look at their new surroundings. On Aug. 14, they will begin previews of the drama for a 17-week limited engagement of what is widely regarded as one of the Noble Prizewinning writer’s greatest works.

Directed by Jamie Lloyd, who has become one of the foremost interpreters of Pinter, this version is designed so that none of the actors ever leave the stage. The trio are all recognizable from their screen exploits — Tom Hiddleston and Charlie Cox are beloved characters from the Marvel universe as Thor’s trickster brother Loki and blind attorney Matt Murdock in “Daredevil,” respectively. And Zawe Ashton recently made a splash opposite Jake Gyllenhaal in Netflix’s “Velvet Buzzsaw.”

Told backwards in chronology, the play tracks married couple Robert (Hiddleston) and Emma (Ashton) as their relationship unravels after Emma begins an affair with her husband’s best friend Jerry (Cox). But it also dives into the destruction of Emma and Jerry’s affair, as well as Robert and Jerry’s friendship. As with most Pinter, the characters are often sparse in their language in emotion, and words left unsaid often cut the deepest. A simple game of squash takes on much significance — the camaraderie, the competition, and ultimately what it means when they stop playing together.

The cast sat down with Variety to discuss squash and other games people play, with what Pinter means to them, and how their paths have crossed in the past, leading to this moment.

What does it mean to you to be here in New York, making your Broadway debut?

Zawe Ashton: It is a dream come true, actually. I’ve seen some of the best things I’ve ever seen in this very theater, including the show previous to us, “The Ferryman.”

Tom Hiddleston: I first came to Broadway with my dad and my sisters when I was 17. It was my first time seeing the city and I remember going into Times Square and we went to see “Follies.” This was before I was even thinking about being an actor — or maybe in the back of my head I had decided. The first time I was in this theater I saw Samuel L. Jackson and Angela Bassett doing “The Mountaintop.”

Charlie, you actually live out here, are you planning on showing them around? Charlie Cox: Oh, yes. There’s a few places I want to take them.

Ashton: [Laughs] How can you make that sound sinister?

Cox: I’m not sure the places I like will be what you’re imagining. I want to take them to Bubby’s. It’s a restaurant with a great all-American brunch.

What does “all-American” mean to Brits?

Cox: Fried chicken and waffles.

Hiddleston: And big portions.

Cox: And coffee that keeps being filled up. You have to put a napkin over it to stop them.

Hiddleston: Right. If you have a second coffee in the UK you have to pay for it.

Cox: It’s crazy. When I get my coffee, I need to put my milk and sugar and the proportions have to be right. When they fill your coffee up over here, the proportions are all off. Also, you feel like you’re on rocket fuel and you don’t know why.

Ashton: Anything else we need to experience?

Cox: Well, these two are too healthy but I’d love to introduce you to half-and-half. It’s one of the best inventions in the world. It’s cream and milk.

Hiddleston: I know about that. This isn’t, like, my first time in America.

Cox: Oh, and I’d love to introduce you to McDonald’s. [Laughs.]

Hiddleston: I’m really excited about the seasons. I’ve spent time in New York before but it’s only been for like two weeks at a time. To be here from summer into fall into winter…

Cox: Fall is an illusion in New York. You get a weekend in the 70s, and that’s it.

Ashton: No, but the colors and the trees! And Thanksgiving is going to be amazing!

How did you first become familiar with the work of Harold Pinter and specifically “Betrayal”?

Hiddleston: For my A-Level English literature, we did a play of Pinter’s called “The Homecoming.” What I found so interesting was “The Homecoming” was so spare and so precise and so grown-up. I remember my teacher encouraging us to think about this play as about power and sex and family, all in a very brutal way. That it’s a father and sons competing for supremacy. I remember thinking: “This is reading a bit too much into it, isn’t it?” But it isn’t. As a 17-year-old, I just didn’t realize there was a writer engaging so consciously at this level.

Then I read “Betrayal” at the Royal Academy of Dramatic arts as an exercise for a dramaturgy class. I read it in one sitting and I did think, at the age of 21, “This would be an amazing thing to do one day.”

Ashton: We did a couple months of scene study at drama school and I played Anna in “Old Times.” I was 19 and I loved it and we actually nailed the scene study. I mean, we were 19-year-olds, maybe it was terrible. But my head of year said to me: “If I had known how easy Pinter was going to be for you, I would have given you something else.”

Was it easy?

Ashton: No! It wasn’t easy! But what I think he identified that if you vibe with Pinter, you’re kind of a special breed of person. If you can lean into all the violence and brutality and also see the tenderness and experience the special viewpoint he has of human relationships, you have a friend for life.

And you vibed with him from the start?

Ashton: 100%. And now I love him even more. Doing “Betrayal” is about having to invest in a love affair with these two men, but I also feel I’ve invested in a love affair with Pinter. I’ve wanted to read his poetry, I’ve wanted to think about him, I’ve wanted to read the books Joan Bakewell and Lady Antonia Fraser wrote about him. Just to try and piece together the man who I’ve never met. Charlie has.

You’ve met Pinter?

Cox: The first play I did in the West End was with Jamie Lloyd, “The Lover/The Collection.” Harold was part of numerous rehearsals and came to see the play many times. I got some great Harold stories that I’m still dining out on! During that time, I read “Betrayal.” Harold died the following year. It’s funny, my wife and I live in Connecticut and when I was offered this play I walked into my local bookshop and it was sitting right there.

A year ago, you didn’t know you’d be doing “Betrayal” in London, let alone here.

Cox: Four weeks ago we didn’t know we’d be here! It all happened very fast. When we closed in London, we thought we were done.

My understanding is this all began last October, when Tom and Zawe did a reading from the play at the “Pinter at the Pinter” gala?

Ashton: It sprung from that gala and people thinking we were rehearsing it already. People kept coming up to me and asking if we were doing a full production. So at the gala I basically came up to Tom and said, “What are you doing in March 2019?” And you were like, “Uh, get away from me, crazy lady.”

Hiddleston: It was an interesting night because it was celebration of all his work as a gift to [his widow] Antonia Fraser and it was 10 years after he died. But it wasn’t a heavy night, it was a celebration. And people came back to do extracts. The production Jamie Lloyd directed of “The Homecoming” came back. Jeremy Irons came back to do “No Man’s Land.”

Wait, Jeremy Irons starred in the film version of “Betrayal.”  Were you intimidated to do a scene in front of him?

Hiddleston: Well, less intimidated because I played his son in “The Hollow Crown.” There were several “Betrayal” alumni. Sam West was there, who played Robert at the Donmar Warehouse. Kristin Scott Thomas, who has played Emma, was also there. There was something very generous about this company of great, established actors who had made a great impact with Pinter’s work saying to Zawe and myself, “If you’re not doing it, you should do it.”

Ashton: It was such a compliment.

Hiddleston: Then Antonia Fraser also said, “Would you like to do it?” And Jamie leaned across and said, “Let’s do it!” So it came together very fast. And Jamie’s first suggestion for Jerry was Charlie, but he said you couldn’t do it.

Cox: The show I was doing [“Daredevil”] was going to be scheduled for another season at the time. So they went out to find somebody else. Then my show got cancelled and I called my agent and said I would love to do a play. I didn’t hear for a bit and I finally got him on the phone and was about to say “I’ve been trying to call you!” — but in a very nice, English way. And before I could say anything he said, “How would you like to do ‘Betrayal’ with Zawe Ashton and Tom Hiddleston?” I paused and said, “I’d like that very much.”

Ashton: If “Daredevil” hadn’t been canceled you wouldn’t have been able to do it.

That has to take some of sting out of cancellation.

Cox: It did, yeah.

This play doesn’t work without the chemistry between the characters, even when they are constantly competing and  one-upping each other. Did you know each other prior to working together and was that chemistry pretty instant?

Cox: Tom and I knew each other. We were bouncing around L.A. at the same time early in our careers.

Hiddleston: The truth is, we first met bumping into each other auditions for the same films that neither of us would get. After like the fourth time, we said, “Let’s go get a burger.”

Ashton: We’d been intersecting for years. Weird things have happened: Tom and I sat next to each other years before at the theater. We did the gala but weirdly, we’d also done a reading a couple weeks before that. And then Charlie and I realized we had auditioned together years ago.

Cox: I’m almost sure it was you. I didn’t get it.

Ashton: I didn’t either. And it was definitely you.

Hiddleston: That’s how most actors know each, they audition for things they don’t get.

Ashton: This could be the most unpleasant experience; it could really be toxically bad. What has happened is it has been the most joyful experience ever. That’s not to say we’re not completely embedded in the raw pain of the play. But I think you realize when you get to a certain age that you don’t need it to bleed into your lives and you don’t need to carry it home. I don’t want to do that with Harold Pinter because you can and you will go mad.

Hiddleston: It’s one of those things, you can’t put your finger on why it works, but it works and it’s a great pleasure.

Cox: That one-upmanship you talked about that’s in the text; if that were to manifest between us as actors, it would be awful.

Ashton: However…there was a squash game.

Cox: Let’s not talk about that.

Ashton: It did spill over into that game.

Cox: Look, it’s not about who wins or loses, it’s about who’s fitter. And Tom is fitter than I am.

Hiddleston: It was very instructive, playing squash. Some of those scenes, the competition is in the subtext, the brutality to each other is underneath it while they’re being civil on the surface. After we played squash, those scenes played themselves.

Cox: I still have a buttock injury from that last game. I was desperately trying to reach a ball because I was so determined to keep up! We had one day where we had five solid sessions and then Zawe joined us for the spa.

Leaving behind these characters at the end of the day could be a challenge. Are you able to do that?

Cox: Sometimes I’ll be at the end of the day and I’ll be agitated in some way and then I remember; of course, I just got off stage.

Ashton: I’ve often said I’ve felt like a baby who needed to be burped. There’s so much repression in the play and people aren’t saying what they mean and you want to cry but you have to hold it in. Sometimes I want to cry for three days.

Hiddleston: My favorite actor of all time Paul Scofield said: “The emotions are real, but they aren’t mine.” Which I think sums it up. Actors investigate something real but the situation doesn’t belong to them. So I know consciously I’m not Robert, I know I haven’t been betrayed. But when I investigate his sadness, some aspect of that belongs to me. It sometimes leaves a shadow.

“Betrayal” has been performed in America before, obviously, but are you curious about how Broadway audiences will respond versus London audiences?

Cox: We get a lot of Americans in London. I don’t think it’s going to be radically different.

Ashton: I think it’s going to be radically different. I think there’s going to be some exciting new things having an American audience is going to illuminate. I think it’s going to be interesting.

“Betrayal” runs at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre through Dec. 8.

[tomhiddleslove]

Betrayal Cast Tom Hiddleston, Zawe Ashton and Charlie Cox on Pinter, Broadway and Fate

The cast sat down with Variety to discuss squash and other games people play, with what Pinter means to them, and how their paths have crossed in the past, leading to this moment.

What does it mean to you to be here in New York, making your Broadway debut?

Zawe Ashton: It is a dream come true, actually. I’ve seen some of the best things I’ve ever seen in this very theater, including the show previous to us, “The Ferryman.”

Tom Hiddleston: I first came to Broadway with my dad and my sisters when I was 17. It was my first time seeing the city and I remember going into Times Square and we went to see “Follies.” This was before I was even thinking about being an actor — or maybe in the back of my head I had decided. The first time I was in this theater I saw Samuel L. Jackson and Angela Bassett doing “The Mountaintop.”

Charlie, you actually live out here, are you planning on showing them around?

Charlie Cox: Oh, yes. There’s a few places I want to take them.

Ashton: [Laughs] How can you make that sound sinister?

Cox: I’m not sure the places I like will be what you’re imagining. I want to take them to Bubby’s. It’s a restaurant with a great all-American brunch.

What does “all-American” mean to Brits?

Cox: Fried chicken and waffles.

Hiddleston: And big portions.

Cox: And coffee that keeps being filled up. You have to put a napkin over it to stop them.

Hiddleston: Right. If you have a second coffee in the UK you have to pay for it.

Cox: It’s crazy. When I get my coffee, I need to put my milk and sugar and the proportions have to be right. When they fill your coffee up over here, the proportions are all off. Also, you feel like you’re on rocket fuel and you don’t know why.

Ashton: Anything else we need to experience?

Cox: Well, these two are too healthy but I’d love to introduce you to half-and-half. It’s one of the best inventions in the world. It’s cream and milk.

Hiddleston: I know about that. This isn’t, like, my first time in America.

Cox: Oh, and I’d love to introduce you to McDonald’s. [Laughs.]

Hiddleston: I’m really excited about the seasons. I’ve spent time in New York before but it’s only been for like two weeks at a time. To be here from summer into fall into winter…

Cox: Fall is an illusion in New York. You get a weekend in the 70s, and that’s it.

Ashton: No, but the colors and the trees! And Thanksgiving is going to be amazing!

How did you first become familiar with the work ofHarold Pinter and specifically “Betrayal”?

Hiddleston: For my A-Level English literature, we did a play of Pinter’s called “The Homecoming.” What I found so interesting was “The Homecoming” was so spare and so precise and so grown-up. I remember my teacher encouraging us to think about this play as about power and sex and family, all in a very brutal way. That it’s a father and sons competing for supremacy. I remember thinking: “This is reading a bit too much into it, isn’t it?” But it isn’t. As a 17-year-old, I just didn’t realize there was a writer engaging so consciously at this level.

Then I read “Betrayal” at the Royal Academy of Dramatic arts as an exercise for a dramaturgy class. I read it in one sitting and I did think, at the age of 21, “This would be an amazing thing to do one day.”

Ashton: We did a couple months of scene study at drama school and I played Anna in “Old Times.” I was 19 and I loved it and we actually nailed the scene study. I mean, we were 19-year-olds, maybe it was terrible. But my head of year said to me: “If I had known how easy Pinter was going to be for you, I would have given you something else.”

Was it easy?

Ashton: No! It wasn’t easy! But what I think he identified that if you vibe with Pinter, you’re kind of a special breed of person. If you can lean into all the violence and brutality and also see the tenderness and experience the special viewpoint he has of human relationships, you have a friend for life.

And you vibed with him from the start?

Ashton: 100%. And now I love him even more. Doing “Betrayal” is about having to invest in a love affair with these two men, but I also feel I’ve invested in a love affair with Pinter. I’ve wanted to read his poetry, I’ve wanted to think about him, I’ve wanted to read the books Joan Bakewell and Lady Antonia Fraser wrote about him. Just to try and piece together the man who I’ve never met. Charlie has.

You’ve met Pinter?

Cox: The first play I did in the West End was with Jamie Lloyd, “The Lover/The Collection.” Harold was part of numerous rehearsals and came to see the play many times. I got some great Harold stories that I’m still dining out on! During that time, I read “Betrayal.” Harold died the following year. It’s funny, my wife and I live in Connecticut and when I was offered this play I walked into my local bookshop and it was sitting right there.

A year ago, you didn’t know you’d be doing “Betrayal” in London, let alone here.

Cox: Four weeks ago we didn’t know we’d be here! It all happened very fast. When we closed in London, we thought we were done.

My understanding is this all began last October, when Tom and Zawe did a reading from the play at the “Pinter at the Pinter” gala?

Ashton: It sprung from that gala and people thinking we were rehearsing it already. People kept coming up to me and asking if we were doing a full production. So at the gala I basically came up to Tom and said, “What are you doing in March 2019?” And you were like, “Uh, get away from me, crazy lady.”

Hiddleston: It was an interesting night because it was celebration of all his work as a gift to [his widow] Antonia Fraser and it was 10 years after he died. But it wasn’t a heavy night, it was a celebration. And people came back to do extracts. The production Jamie Lloyd directed of “The Homecoming” came back. Jeremy Irons came back to do “No Man’s Land.”

Wait, Jeremy Irons starred in the film version of “Betrayal.”  Were you intimidated to do a scene in front of him?

Hiddleston: Well, less intimidated because I played his son in “The Hollow Crown.” There were several “Betrayal” alumni. Sam West was there, who played Robert at the Donmar Warehouse. Kristin Scott Thomas, who has played Emma, was also there. There was something very generous about this company of great, established actors who had made a great impact with Pinter’s work saying to Zawe and myself, “If you’re not doing it, you should do it.”

Ashton: It was such a compliment.

Hiddleston: Then Antonia Fraser also said, “Would you like to do it?” And Jamie leaned across and said, “Let’s do it!” So it came together very fast. And Jamie’s first suggestion for Jerry was Charlie, but he said you couldn’t do it.

Cox: The show I was doing [“Daredevil”] was going to be scheduled for another season at the time. So they went out to find somebody else. Then my show got cancelled and I called my agent and said I would love to do a play. I didn’t hear for a bit and I finally got him on the phone and was about to say “I’ve been trying to call you!” — but in a very nice, English way. And before I could say anything he said, “How would you like to do ‘Betrayal’ with Zawe Ashton and Tom Hiddleston?” I paused and said, “I’d like that very much.”

Ashton: If “Daredevil” hadn’t been canceled you wouldn’t have been able to do it.

That has to take some of sting out of cancellation.

Cox: It did, yeah.

This play doesn’t work without the chemistry between the characters, even when they are constantly competing and  one-upping each other. Did you know each other prior to working together and was that chemistry pretty instant?

Cox: Tom and I knew each other. We were bouncing around L.A. at the same time early in our careers.

Hiddleston: The truth is, we first met bumping into each other auditions for the same films that neither of us would get. After like the fourth time, we said, “Let’s go get a burger.”

Ashton: We’d been intersecting for years. Weird things have happened: Tom and I sat next to each other years before at the theater. We did the gala but weirdly, we’d also done a reading a couple weeks before that. And then Charlie and I realized we had auditioned together years ago.

Cox: I’m almost sure it was you. I didn’t get it.

Ashton: I didn’t either. And it was definitely you.

Hiddleston: That’s how most actors know each, they audition for things they don’t get.

Ashton: This could be the most unpleasant experience; it could really be toxically bad. What has happened is it has been the most joyful experience ever. That’s not to say we’re not completely embedded in the raw pain of the play. But I think you realize when you get to a certain age that you don’t need it to bleed into your lives and you don’t need to carry it home. I don’t want to do that with Harold Pinter because you can and you will go mad.

Hiddleston: It’s one of those things, you can’t put your finger on why it works, but it works and it’s a great pleasure.

Cox: That one-upmanship you talked about that’s in the text; if that were to manifest between us as actors, it would be awful.

Ashton: However…there was a squash game.

Cox: Let’s not talk about that.

Ashton: It did spill over into that game.

Cox: Look, it’s not about who wins or loses, it’s about who’s fitter. And Tom is fitter than I am.

Hiddleston: It was very instructive, playing squash. Some of those scenes, the competition is in the subtext, the brutality to each other is underneath it while they’re being civil on the surface. After we played squash, those scenes played themselves.

Cox: I still have a buttock injury from that last game. I was desperately trying to reach a ball because I was so determined to keep up! We had one day where we had five solid sessions and then Zawe joined us for the spa.

Leaving behind these characters at the end of the day could be a challenge. Are you able to do that?

Cox: Sometimes I’ll be at the end of the day and I’ll be agitated in some way and then I remember; of course, I just got off stage.

Ashton: I’ve often said I’ve felt like a baby who needed to be burped. There’s so much repression in the play and people aren’t saying what they mean and you want to cry but you have to hold it in. Sometimes I want to cry for three days.

Hiddleston: My favorite actor of all time Paul Scofield said: “The emotions are real, but they aren’t mine.” Which I think sums it up. Actors investigate something real but the situation doesn’t belong to them. So I know consciously I’m not Robert, I know I haven’t been betrayed. But when I investigate his sadness, some aspect of that belongs to me. It sometimes leaves a shadow.

“Betrayal” has been performed in America before, obviously, but are you curious about how Broadway audiences will respond versus London audiences?

Cox: We get a lot of Americans in London. I don’t think it’s going to be radically different.

Ashton: I think it’s going to be radically different. I think there’s going to be some exciting new things having an American audience is going to illuminate. I think it’s going to be interesting.

“Betrayal” runs at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre through Dec. 8.

[hiddlesdarlinggabrielsangel]

I’ve been meaning to write this out for a while, but as we all know, sometimes life just gets in the way. But what better day to write out my experience meeting this incredible human being than on his birthday.

I got to see Tom Hiddleston, my favorite actor, perform on stage and meet him after the show on Saturday, November 23rd 2019. But the whole experience that led up to this began many months before that. I remember when it was announced that Tom was coming back to the stage in this original rendition of Betrayal in London. I remember there being a few sweepstakes to win free tickets and a drink with Tom after the show that I had entered… a few times… when I could afford to, of course. I don’t know what the odds are of winning these things, but obviously, I did not beat those odds. I was disappointed, of course, but I knew those odds and I was just glad at that point that I was able to contribute to raising funds for such incredible causes. I remember actually writing a letter to Tom at some point after that and I remember saying in the letter that hopefully, he’ll do a show in New York at some point so I could see him live. I wouldn’t normally tell people that sort of thing and I feel a little weird saying it now, but I kid you not, I saw that Betrayal was coming to Broadway about a week after I sent that letter.

I probably annoyed my family quite a bit the next few days trying to just casually but continually ask if anyone would be willing to go to the show with me. Understandably, since they do not share the level of admiration I have for Tom, they weren’t quite willing to make the trip and spend the money to see it with me. The moment I realized I was on my own, I immediately got on Telecharge and ordered my ticket. It was still pretty early, but I was amazed to get a front row seat for a relatively low price; at least half the price of some other tickets on other websites for seats that were farther back. Thankfully, although my brother didn’t want to see the show, he agreed to come with me up to New York so I wouldn’t get mugged and/or killed.

Although I was beyond excited, it didn’t feel quite real until the week before. I had seen a lot of people create works of art and give it away and being the creative, project-loving person I am, I wanted to do something but couldn’t think of anything until the week before the show. And, of course, that was the busiest week so far of my new job so my stress levels were through the roof. I had come up with the concept and outlined everything but there was still so much to do by the time my brother and I got on the train Saturday morning.

I worked on it for a while but then, having not slept very well the night before (understandably), fatigue overtook me. I went back and forth between working on the picture and napping when a man came and sat next to me. I asked him how it looked so far and that ended up sparking a conversation. He was from Ghana and was visiting his friend for Thanksgiving. We talked about his travels to various places all over the world, the cultures, foods, etc. It was fascinating. Eventually, we all got off at our respective destinations.

I had gotten a train ticket and a hotel reservation but I figured the subway shouldn’t be too difficult to navigate. Well, it wouldn’t have been too bad if the train we needed to take was working and the stop we were told to get off at was actually our stop. We finally got to where we thought we were supposed to be and we had to walk for two hours with all our luggage. Thank goodness we had arrived by train five hours before the show. I was hoping I’d have more time to work on the picture I’d started and maybe relax once we checked into the hotel but all I had time to do was take a shower, get dressed, and go. I ended up having a conversation with the taxi driver on the way, talking about how it is driving in New York, what kind of people he has riding with him throughout the day, etc. When I got there, I had my travel purse and my picture in my hand. I figured it was worth at least showing him, if not giving him. The security guard saw me holding it and asked about it. I showed him and the young woman standing next to me and the security guard said it could be like an activity since it was partly filmed in, he could fill in the rest of it. The gift that keeps on giving. I thanked him and I started talking to the young woman next to me. I asked her if there was a particular person she wanted to see and I remember her saying, “I’m here for my boys.” We talked about both Tom Hiddleston and Charlie Cox and she told me about how much she loved Daredevil and I talked about how I first became a Hiddlestoner after watching him in The Hollow Crown.

Then, we got in the theater and took our seats. I ended up sitting next to a woman with her son and this was the second time she had seen the show. She saw I the night before and had watched Tom Hiddleston do an interview earlier that day (she was a big Hiddlestoner too). She shared her experience with me so far and then told me about different blocking they do in the play, vaguely of course, but preparing me since Tom Hiddleston and Zawe Ashton do sit on the very edge of the stage at one point right in front of us.

Then, the actual performance. I have never been so uncomfortable during a play, but in a really good way. You feel so bad for everything they all are going through, but the way they did the show and the acting itself was phenomenal. It was funny and uncomfortable and heartwrenching and amazing all at the same time. One minute you’re about to cry but then someone says something and you awkwardly let out a laugh because it’s just so unexpected. One thing I remember Tom Hiddleston saying at one point, not during the play but in an interview years ago, is that acting is like a tennis match. I’ve never seen that analogy so clearly than in this play, particularly when Tom Hiddleston and Charlie Cox were in a scene where they were sitting about 20 feet apart. Another thing was that since the most intense moments of the show were the short silences, I thought, I wanted to see the looks on all the actors’ faces, which leads me to the most unforgettable parts of this play. I read before going that Tom Hiddleston will sometimes pick someone or a few people in the audience and make eye contact with them throughout the show. I knew since I was in the front row, there was a possibility I might lock eyes with him for a split second, but he looked me straight in the eye at least 10-15 times. It was so incredible. Not just because I made eye contact with my favorite actor and an incredible human being, but because it made me feel like I was part of the play. It made his character’s anguish seem that more real. One of the times he looked at me was when the stage was rotating while he was sitting in a chair holding his young daughter. The character can be rather brash so to see him be so gentle and loving was heartwarming and heartbreaking. And again, when he looked at me in that moment, it made it that much more real to me.

I could keep going about the show but I should probably move on. After the play ended, I went out with everyone else to get an autograph and photo if possible. It was so crowded, you could barely move It was raining some so (I believe that’s why) they announced that they wouldn’t be coming out to give out autographs, but that they would come out to take pictures. I remember as I was waiting, I started talking to another young woman (you know who you are 😉) who had met Tom before and had dressed up as Lady Loki. I showed her my picture and she said it was good and that he would love it. I remember Charlie Cox came out first and took some pictures. Admittedly, I was a little far away at that point and didn’t want to block anyone so I didn’t get a picture with him but then Tom Hiddleston came out. I kept myself together pretty well, but something came over me a little bit when he came up to where I was and I remember jumping slightly. I don’t know what came over me in that moment, but I made sure to step back and make sure everyone in front of me got a good photo. Then, I had what I call a “Family Feud” moment. You know how some people yell out ridiculous answers and you think, “How on earth could they think of that?” Now I know. You just get so nervous, you can’t really think. I remember as we were about to get a picture, he gently tells me, “You know you can turn all the way around.” Once I did and got the picture I could laugh and then I gave him the photo. I remember him saying “That’s very kind” and the young woman told me “I told you he’d like it!” It warmed my heart. I just couldn’t believe all of this was happening. I couldn’t believe all of this had taken place.

It meant and still means more to me than I could ever say. I think one of the greatest joys of this experience was that, even though I had initially been alone in this, I never was. I was able to share this experience with someone in each step of the way. I absolutely loved watching Zawe Ashton, Charlie Cox, and especially Tom Hiddleston but I knew I was going to be watching them. I was going in thinking this was a solo experience. I had no idea I’d meet and talk to such wonderful people who would make me feel that not only am I not alone, but that I’m part of an incredible, loving, and inclusive community. Thanks Hiddlestoners and others that day for making this experience that much more wonderful.

And Happy Birthday, Tom Hiddleston. Thank you for making my decade.

By the way, not sure what’s up with the spacing... sorry about that...

[let-it-raines]

Second in Command: Ch. Four

Summary: Life as the "spare to the heir" isn't all that it's cracked up to be when you're the supposed screw-up of the family, but people don't know what really happens behind closed doors.

Rating: M

A/N: So, just so everyone knows, I had intended this story to only be five chapters, but that has changed. When I was thinking of the story, I had a scene written that was going to be the middle and another that was going to be the end. Now that I’ve actually written the story, they just don’t fit. While I doubt the story will be any longer than ten chapters (and each chapter so far has been over 9,000 words so definitely not short), it’s not just the five I’ve had listed on ao3. I know some of you will be extremely excited about that ;) 

I hope you enjoy this chapter and finally get those answers about what’s in the dreaded files. After the flashback of course...dun dun dun.

Also found on ao3 here

Chapter Four:

Killian and Emma don’t fight often. It’s not to say they never argue or get into disagreements. They’re both highly stubborn people who are pretty set in their ways and in their stances once they’ve made their minds up about something. They have their own vices and their own flaws, imperfections both on the surface and buried underneath, a shallow hole that only opens up when you continue to dig. And it would be a lie to say that they always get along and that they always agree on everything because that’s never happened to any two people in the history of…ever. There’s no one in the world who has a person who mirrors their exact thoughts. There’s no one who’s going to agree with you on every thought that crosses your mind or on every situation that you find yourself in.

 But there is going to be someone – most likely several someones, and they won’t all be romantic – who complements you. They don’t complete you. That’s a bit ridiculous. You can be complete on your own. But they understand you for all of your flaws and your insecurities. They like you for who you are, and they love you even in the face of your shortcomings.

 You’re never going to like everything about someone. You’re never even going to like everything about yourself. Life isn’t about the search for your “perfect” person, but it is about the search for someone who is worth fighting for every day, someone who is willing to fight for you, too.

So Killian and Emma haven’t been in a lot of arguments, but it’s not to say that their relationship has been smooth sailing. In fact, it’s been extraordinarily difficult. They’re subjected to staying in one location, with the occasional excursion outside, and being contained to the inside of four walls can feel restricting, almost suffocating, like the longer they stay there, the smaller the room becomes.

 On top of that, they’ve basically been conducting a long distance relationship while living twenty minutes away from each other, and even now, as solid as they are, Killian is reminded of the times when the tie that binds them threatened to undo and ravel away, never to be joined again.

 When Liam and Abigail had been married for a little under a year, most of their public engagements were close to home because that is where their presence was most popular in response to the wedding and all of the fanfare that followed it.

 The overseas engagements, however, had been delegated to Killian. He had loved doing them when he was younger and for all his family knew, he had nothing to keep him from wanting to travel, so no one saw an issue with him leaving for months at a time to travel to both New Zealand for one month and North America for another two. But Killian knew that he had Emma now, and while they had grown accustomed to spending time apart in their near year and a half of dating, it had never been for this long of a period and with this much distance between the two of them.

 Killian had known that the trip was approaching, as it had been carefully planned out months in advance, and he’d told Emma about it as soon as it had been decided. She’d responded in the way that she always had to his royal duties, nonchalantly, just a simple we’ll figure it out when we get there shrug before she turned around and went back to fixing herself a bowl of cereal, leaving him standing in her kitchen wishing he could see life through Emma’s eyes.

 But now, now Killian is in month two of his trip, having just left the frigid temperatures of northern Canada in November to the chilly temperatures of New York post American Thanksgiving. He’s visited diplomats and celebrities, sitting in both meetings for charities and political events while also sitting courtside at basketball games and front row at Broadway shows. It is both exhausting and exhilarating, every turn bringing a new hand to shake and a new conversation to be had. It is everything that Killian enjoys about his predetermined job, and he is thankful for the opportunity to get to interact with people outside of the political madness that is sometimes his life, even if he isn’t allowed to share his political opinions with the public.

 Yet, with all of the chaos of his trip and his duties, he’s found that his personal life has been lacking. While in New Zealand, he and Emma constantly missed each other, in more ways than just the one. When he was awake and available, she was either asleep or working. When she was awake and available, he was either asleep or attending an event where he absolutely could not be seen texting away on his phone. It was…draining. It was draining him. It was draining Emma. It was literally sucking the life out of their relationship.

 You can love someone with everything you have, but sometimes that love just isn’t enough.

 They thought it would get better when he traveled to North America, but the strain continued to nag at the two of them. Killian will wake up to a text from Emma, immediately texting her back only to receive her response five hours later. Of course, that was only fair because that’s often how long it took him to respond, if not even longer depending on his work schedule for the day. They had their calls scheduled, either Killian waking up in the middle of the night or Emma offering to close down the pub so she would be awake when it was 11:00 PM in America. Seeing her face is the highlight of Killian’s day every time, but it always ended with one of them drifting asleep, phone falling from their hands to their respective beds.

 To put it simply, he misses her. He misses her with his entire being, and this has been two months of his life which he’d gladly trade away just to be with Emma for one night. Sometimes he thinks that he can’t make it the other month. He has to continuously remind himself that others have gone longer without seeing their significant others, and he should be grateful that there is an end date in site. Yet, thinking of the pain of others does not diminish his pain, and he knows it doesn’t diminish Emma’s pain either. She is just as broken up about missing him as he is with her, possibly more so. He’s been taught for the entirety of his life to spend time away from the people he loves. Emma hasn’t. And every time he sees her face through the screen of his phone, though still the most brilliant shade of green he’s ever seen, her eyes look more and more hollow.

 He’s got three weeks left of his tour when the separation and the distance all come to their peak, and the strain between he and Emma that he’s been fighting against finally snaps, slapping against his skin and leaving a mark, though not visible, is still every bit as pungent as a slap in the face would have been (times ten).

 It’s one of their scheduled calls, but it’s the first one he’s been able to make in two weeks and he’s already an hour late, furiously hoping that she hasn’t gone to bed and given up on the call, given up on him.

 When Emma answers on the third ring, Killian can’t help the smile that blooms on his face at just feeling near to Emma again, even if he’s an ocean away.

 “Hello, love,” Killian greets her, stupid grin still on his lips as he takes in the familiar curve of her nose and curliness of her hair as it’s piled into a bun on the top of her head, a habit of hers when she has late nights at the pub and doesn’t want her hair to constantly be falling in her face. “I’m glad I caught you still awake. I know you usually like to crash right after you clean everything up and close down.”

 She’s quiet for a moment too long, and Killian attributes it to the lateness of the hour.

 “Well, I was waiting for you to call.” Emma’s voice isn’t…it’s not Emma. It’s quiet and a tad bit harsh, the word waiting sounding more like fuck you than anything else. Her frustration with him is understandable, but he wasn’t expecting it, even if he should have been. “I’m always waiting for you to call, it feels like.”

 The last words don’t sound harsh, but that’s only because he can barely hear them. The whispered words barely audible to his ears.

 “Emma,” Killian exhales, trying to figure out what to say even though he has absolutely no way to make any of this better, not being prepared to have a conversation more than how has your day been. “I’m so sorry, darling,” he begins, knowing the words, while true, don’t do anything to make her feel better. “I know it’s been hard. It’s been bloody hard on me, too. And I know that I’m the one who has fallen through the cracks as of late, but it’ll all be over soon. I promise. No more missed phone calls or unanswered texts.”

 “Killian,” she sighs, pulling her comforter up to cover her shoulders, shielding herself from the near-winter chill and possibly even from him, “this isn’t fair to me or to you.”

 She sounds so distraught, voice cracking as her plea goes on, and Killian doesn’t know how to fix it, to fix this. He can’t change anything. She can’t change anything. It will just take some time and some patience and God willing, Emma will agree to wait for that with him. To wait for him.

 “I just don’t think I can do it anymore,” Emma continues, and she’s not looking at him through the phone screen anymore, her eyes trained ahead at what he knows is a painting of the ballet Swan Lake hanging on the wall in her room. Killian can already feel his heart beat slowing, the opposite of what it should be doing, but he doesn’t feel strong right now. He feels weak, and he’s not sure he or his heart can take what Emma’s trying to tell him.

 “It’s just so difficult,” she murmurs, gaze having moved to her nails as she picks at them. “And I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but it’s like I just sit around all day waiting for you to call or text and that’s not who I am. I’m not the girl who waits around. And I want to wait for you, Killian. I do. I love you so much, but I also haven’t seen you in over two months. I barely saw you before that if we’re honest with each other. And it’s still basically a month until I can see you again. And for how long at that? Our schedules never match up. If I’m awake closing down the pub, you’re at an event or already asleep. If you’re sleeping, I’m waking up to get my day going. If I have free time, you don’t. I miss you, and it hurts.”

 This is…this is not how he wanted any of this to go. They’ve had this conversation before, just not as serious, the desperation not seeking through them in the past like it is now.

 Missing someone comes in unpredictable waves, and you never know when the wave will hit that takes you under.

 “Emma, my love,” Killian pleads, making sure that he’s looking into the camera at her even if she’s refusing to look at him. “I understand. I understand that it’s hard. This is all killing me, too. But I’ll be back soon, I promise. I just need you to be patient and to trust in me. To trust in us. And everything will go back to the way it was, back to normal.”

 “That’s the thing, Killian. Back to normal is still me barely seeing you. It’s still you sneaking off to come see me. It’s still us spending all of our time together in one building, never being able to venture outside of these walls. It’s still spending more time with my parents than anything else because I can’t afford to move out. I’m just not sure that this is something I can do anymore.”

 The words feel heavy in the air, even if they aren’t sharing the same space, and it feels like something is crushing his lungs, the weight of the air not able to reach them, instead pressing down on his chest like an anchor.

 “Do you want to end things between us?”

 The words are whispered, almost indiscernible if you’re not listening for them. Killian knows he said them, but he feels as if he’s not in control of his own body right now. A part of him wants to hang up this call so he’ll never know Emma’s response.

Ignorance is bliss, right?

 “No.”

 “Then what do you want?”

 “I don’t know.”

 “Then I don’t know what to tell you,” Killian mumbles under his breath, trying to keep that very breath even. “I don’t know how to help. I’m trying as hard as I can to be present and to be there for you, with you.”

 “I think…I think I just need some time, Killian,” she tells him, finally making eye contact with him, and he can see now that her eyes are glassy with unshed tears. “And I think I might want to take it while you’re gone. We can talk when you come home.”

 “I don’t want to come home if it’s not to you.”

 “I just need the time, Killian. Please give me that.”

 He can’t deny her anything, even if it breaks him to do it.

 “Your heart’s desire, Emma. That’s all I’ve ever wanted you to have.”

 Those three weeks are the slowest weeks of Killian’s life, seemingly dragging on at a pace similar to the now wintery temperatures outside. When he returns to England, it’s Christmas, and he has duties, all of the traditions his family practices every year, to attend to with his family.

 Compared to Christmases of the past, this one is nice. He gets along with his father and Liam, actually enjoying his time spent with them. Killian even finds himself dissolving into a fit of laughter as his brother opens up his gag gift from him, an air pump for when Liam’s big head finally deflates. One would say it’s a Christmas miracle, but the spirit of the holiday seems almost dull without Emma, the colors muted and the music softened.

 Emma told him that she needed some time, and he’s respected that. They don’t talk, just the occasional text to make sure the other is okay. He thought being separated from Emma just by physical distance was difficult, but nothing compares to the emotional barrier she’s constructed between the two of them. Killian spent so long breaking her walls down, only to have her quickly reconstruct them during a trying time in their relationship. He knows it’s not the end. He can feels that in his bones. But the doubts and second guesses start to creep in as the distance grows.

 When December 27th rolls around, and Killian knows that Emma is aware he’s home – he’s texted her, and it’s been on the news – he decides that he can’t take it anymore. He has to talk to her. And if she turns him away at the door, he’ll leave, but he’s not going to sit around and not try. Distance has been their problem. He’s back now, but he won’t truly be home until he’s with Emma.

 Killian doesn’t manage to slip away until after midnight, the 27th icing over into the 28th, and when he walks through the door of the pub, Emma is nowhere to be seen. It looks like her parents and Will are running things tonight, and as nervous as he is, he hopes this means she’ll have time to talk to him.

 “Is Emma upstairs?” he asks Mary Margaret after walking over to where she was wiping down some used glasses behind the bar counter.

 Mary Margaret doesn’t look startled to see him, doesn’t even look up from where she’s scrubbing at a glass, and he’s always kind of known she is basically a relationship guru, but it doesn’t stop him from being surprised every time she knows exactly how to handle a situation.

 “She’s in her room, probably asleep,” she informs Killian, turning to stack the now clean glasses onto the shelf. “But it’s good that you’ve shown up today. She was in a better mood, and I’m almost positive she’ll be open to talking to you about whatever it is you two are going through.”

 “Thank you, love,” Killian mumbles as he starts turning to make his way up the stairs.

 “And Killian?”

 “Yeah.”

 “You two will be just fine.”

 The words don’t have any profound meaning to them, but they fill him with hope as he makes his way up the stairs, taking two at a time in his eagerness to see his love for the first time in over a quarter of a year.

 Sure enough, she’s asleep in her bed when he finds her, small body curled under the covers. He knows that he probably shouldn’t, but he can’t help himself as he crawls behind her and wraps his body around hers, like an instinct that he’s been restraining himself from for months at a time.

 He must fall asleep without knowing it because the next thing he knows he feels hot breath inching its way up his neck to his jaw, soft lips pressing up against the roughness of his beard that he’s let overgrow as of late. Before he knows it, the hot breath and those soft lips are connecting with his mouth, consuming him like he’s never been consumed before, a clash of dominance taking over as the two of them fight for control in something they haven’t been able to do in so long.

 Killian tries to be patient, at one point almost pulling back because he realizes that they shouldn’t be doing this before they talk, but then Emma runs her tongue against his, the sensation traveling down south, and he can do nothing but flip her over so that her back rests against the mattress as his own body smothers her as their lips connect over and over again.

 He’s missed her so bloody much that his body completely takes over, no thoughts in his head except how damn good it feels to have her lips crushed against his and his body pressed tightly against hers, warm skin setting him on fire as her hands travel underneath his jeans to grab his ass, the burn traveling all the way down until his cock is straining to the point of discomfort.

 “Emma,” he groans, voice breathless as he ruts himself into her, trying to feel something through the front of his jeans, her hands only tightening on his backside, “I need you. God, please,” he grunts, voice hitching when her tongue starts swiping at the lobe of his ear, little nibbles from her teeth driving him further into the madness. “I need to have you.”

 She doesn’t respond, just slips her hands out of his jeans and up under his sweater, attempting to pull it from his body even if there is no space between them for her to maneuver him out of it. Killian gets what she’s saying without speaking, having done this dance many times before, and complies, lifting himself off of her as he tugs at the material at his neck and removes the sweater himself as Emma removes her t-shirt to show her bare breasts, rosy buds already peaked.

 It’s primitive to say, but his baser instincts are telling him that he’s missed her breasts almost as much as he missed her. So he does what comes naturally, dipping his head down to her chest and licking a stripe across the top of her right breast before sucking her nipple into his mouth, biting her soft skin until she writhes beneath him, her breath shallow as he gives her left breast the same attention with his hand.

 He can tell she’s getting impatient with him, her hips pushing up to his in order to find some friction, and it takes everything in him not to groan in pleasure. He wants to move forward. He wants her. But he knows somewhere in the recesses of his mind that when this is over, whatever conclusion she’s made in this time apart is waiting for him. So if he can make this pleasure last forever, he’ll damn well try.

 “Killian,” Emma pants out, labored breathing at an all-time high when they haven’t truly done anything yet, just his continuous teasing of her breasts and grinding of his hips, “I need you to touch me somewhere else,” she takes the hand on her left breast and guides it down to the place between her thighs, letting him feel through her pajama pants that she’s ready for him, “and I need you to do that now.”

 “As you wish.”

 After their clothes are fully removed, Killian is back to caging Emma in on her back on the mattress, his length teasing her wet folds, sending shivers through his body that he knows is his anticipation full of both love and lust. It’s as he’s about to sheath himself inside of her that he looks at her, truly looks at her, and he knows that he’s not mistaken when he sees the love, mixed with something else he’s not entirely sure of, in her eyes, tears lying unshed and making her eyes gleam.

 “Hey,” he whispers, reaching up to wipe away a singular tear that’s finally fallen with the pad of his thumb, “are you okay, darling? We…we don’t have to do this. We don’t need to do this if you’re upset.”

 Emma doesn’t respond at first, reaching her hands to run them up his arms, stopping to squeeze at his biceps, something she’s always done to silently reassure him.

 “I’m not upset,” she whispers, hands traveling from his arms to cup his cheeks, running her thumb against the scar on his cheek, another familiar movement that makes it seem like he hasn’t been away while also filling his chest with a sense of longing that he thinks may never go away. “I think I’m just overwhelmed. We’re doing this all wrong, I know that. But I love you even with all of those things I said about needing time and space, and I’ve missed you so much that my body physically aches some nights. And I didn’t mean to say all of this when you were practically inside me and…shit,” she chuckles, a self-deprecating thing as she takes her hands from his face to wipe at the tears that are freely flowing now, “you must think that I’m certifiably insane.”

 “I think,” Killian presses his lips against her cheeks, a smattering of small pecks, “that I love you, no matter what. No matter if you tell me you need space or cry before sex,” he wiggles his eyebrows at her, knowing that she needs a real smile to tug at her downturned lips, “or any other certifiably insane thing you come up with.”

 “Yeah?” she questions, her sniffles slowing into almost nothing.

 “Yeah,” he answers, never more sure of anything in his life.

 She kisses him then, soft and slow, never pressing for more despite the exposure of their skin to the air and to each other. When his length accidentally brushes against her inner thigh, he jerks away, still not quite sure what Emma wants or what she’s okay with when it comes to him.

 But then she’s reaching down to touch him, running her nimble fingers on his underside, tracing the pulsing vein there, before she circles his tip, driving him wild with her ministrations.

 “It’s okay,” she sighs out, guiding him to her entrance, pushing him in as much as she can as she tells him, “we’re going to be okay.”

 At her words and the feeling of her almost wrapping around him, he slowly thrusts into her, grabbing onto her waist and letting her adjust to being with him after being apart for awhile. After a few seconds and an impatient cant of Emma’s hips up into his, he begins to move, much more slowly than he had originally intended, a slow circle of his hips into hers instead of relentlessly pounding into her, making her thighs quiver in the constant anticipation of his cock rubbing against her bundle of nerves.

 It goes on like this for what feels like forever, just a simple sway of their hips together, pleasure building in both of them when he feels Emma’s walls tighten around him, her face pinching in bliss as she reaches that feeling of ecstasy. Killian works her through it slowly until her eyes flutter open and she smiles at him, a dopey little thing that has him dipping his head down to meet her lips is a slow kiss, tongue languidly mixing with hers as he continues to pump himself into her, bottoming out and going at the harsh pace he had originally intended. When he empties himself into her, thrusts slowing until his body can’t take it anymore and he collapses onto her, knowing that she can take his weight, if just for a little while.

 “So we need to talk,” Killian admits later when they’ve both showered and dressed in pajamas, Killian keeping a stack of his own clothes in Emma’s closet so he doesn’t have to borrow David’s anymore.

 “So we need to talk,” Emma confirms, running her hand through the wiry hair on his chest as she snuggles into his side.

 It’s got to be at least three in the morning at this point, the pub far past closed, and David and Mary Margaret having gone to bed soon after, and it’s probably not the right time to have a talk. But they’ve done this whole reunion thing the wrong way, so why not continue on that path?

 Emma lets out a breath of air onto his bare chest, rolling out of his arms so that she can sit up on the bed, legs crossed as she looks at him, shoulders rolling back to loosen up her sore body. If he feels proud at that, the fact that her body is sore in all the good ways because of him, that’s the man in him that he’ll try to tamper down as this conversation plays out. But obviously he must have smirked a bit because Emma gently slaps him in the chest, eyes telling him to focus.

 “So we were apart,” Killian begins, straightening so that he’s sitting against her headboard.

 “We were apart,” Emma confirms, nodding her head as if he needs extra confirmation as to the basis of this talk. “And we didn’t handle it very well.”

 “Aye.”

 “Aye?” Emma repeats, not even bothering to do an impression of his accent like she usually does. “All you have to say to that is aye?” She’s not angry, but she’s definitely not pleased. And he was stupid to think that the words said in the almost throws of passion would be all they needed here to heal their wounds.

 “I have more to say,” he tells her, reaching up to scratch behind his ear because he can’t help himself. “I just want to follow your lead on this because you wanted some time and space to think, so I feel like you deserve to air out all of your thoughts before I say anything.”

 He’s attempting to save his own skin a little here, not wanting to mess up the fragile thing they’ve got going on before anything past physical reconnection really and truly begins.

 Emma shifts in her position on the bed, reaching over him to grab her pillow, cuddling it against her chest as she takes in a breath of air, readying herself.

  “I feel like I’m some kind of dirty secret sometimes,” Emma admits, managing to look directly above his head so that she’s not forced to look at him. “And I know that we agreed to this arrangement both for your reasons and my reasons, and I’m not suggesting we change that. But it was so damn difficult having you be away from me for so long. To know that I can’t see you, touch you, kiss you for months at a time was excruciatingly painful. And I know that’s a little dramatic, but I’m into the dramatics lately.”

 She pauses, contemplating her next words, and Killian can tell they have been weighing heavily on Emma’s mind. “I need you to let me talk before you interrupt this next part, okay? Because it’s going to upset you, and that’s not my intention.”

 “Okay,” he responds, dragging out the end of the word, “you’ve got my full attention.”

 “I don’t think you cheated on me.” She was right. Those words do upset him before she even has the opportunity to explain further. For her to even suggest that she thought about him being unfaithful to her, it’s cutting and he knows that feeling must show on his face, his past experiences with an unfaithful girlfriend coming back to the surface. But Emma ignores it and goes on, like she told him she would. He’s not to interrupt, and he plans on listening to her, both her instructions and her words, as she needs to be heard and to be understood.

 “No part of me thinks that because I trust you wholeheartedly,” Emma continues, grabbing onto his knee and giving it a squeeze. “But a lot of pictures of you with women have been released over the past few months, and while I know they were all for promotional events, the press was always painting headlines of how you were trying to find your ‘princess’ or whatever. And it’s stupid, but me missing you made me feel jealous. It made me envious of all of these other women who got to be with you while I was waiting here for you to come back to me, Killian. It made me feel weak, and I don’t handle feeling weak well.”

 Don’t interrupt, he reminds himself, focusing on the touch of her hand against his pajama-clad knee instead of the words he wants to say back, words he might end up regretting if he speaks too soon.

 “So I guess when our communication kept getting interrupted or you’d miss our scheduled calls, that ugly feeling would rear its head again, and I’d spiral into just this mess of emotions. So I think what I’m trying to say behind all of the crazy is that we need to find a way to be together more because I’m missing you even when you’re here and that’s not okay with me. I’m not okay with having a boyfriend who’s never around, even if it is for work. I love you so damn much, this separation having proven the doubts I didn’t even know I had, so instead of calling it quits, I’d like to work through this…with you.”

 It’s…a lot. It’s a lot to take in, and while Killian felt the distance and the pain of their time apart, both by physical and emotional distance, he didn’t feel it quite the same way that Emma has. He also didn’t have to deal with seeing false rumors of his partner plastered across the media while not being able to get ahold of said person. He understands what Emma is saying, but he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like that she’s been doubting him, doubting them, and he doesn’t like that she doesn’t feel connected with him even when they’re in the same room. It’s wrong, and it’s not what their relationship is. They lean on each other, and they trust each other. No part of it is one-sided, but he’s obviously let his side slip, no matter how unintentional, through his fingers. Even if a majority of this is on him, it doesn’t keep him from feeling the sting of her words.

 “So you don’t trust me?” He says the words without thinking, still stuck in the first part of her confession and blocking out the rest.

 Her grip on his knee releases, hands finding a place in her lap instead. “I do trust you, Killian. I just said that.”

 “I just don’t understand,” he confesses, running his hand through his hair just so he has some outlet to let out his frustration. “You feel separated from me even when I’m here, but you asked for time apart. That’s what you wanted, not me.”

 “We were already apart, Killian,” Emma calmly tells him, her emotions much more together than his. “I needed time to think about, well, about everything. It wasn’t you. It was this situation, our situation, and I needed to consider if I could live my life with you and still have it feel like my life, not like some kind of circus where instead of being part of the act, I’m a member of the audience.”

 “Can you?”

 “I can,” she quietly admits, eyes trained on him like she’s trying to gauge him, to read his reaction. He’s always been able to read her like a book he’s written himself, and she’s always been able to do the same.

 The two of them have a lot to talk about. While they’ve had arguments before, it’s never been quite like this. And Killian knows that just because he’s going to be home almost exclusively for the next six months, that doesn’t solve all of their problems. He’s been a passive participant in his own relationship, and he needs to be able to transition back into being an active member. So the two of them, together, flesh out every problem they’re each having, trying to resolve the issues, not immediately, but with the hope that in time and with work, it’ll all get better. Killian can feel the early morning hours creeping into the afternoon, and when Emma falls asleep, purple bags underneath her eyes already fading away, he takes that opportunity to get some sleep as well.

 Distance is a test of love, and while strained, he thinks that the two of them have managed to pass.

Killian doesn’t know if the fact that Brennan just called him son is a good omen or a bad omen. Regardless, he’s frozen in his place at the doorway, one hand gripping the wooden frame as the other hand hangs lifeless in the air.

 “Sure,” he says after enough seconds to make this even more uncomfortable than it already is, opening the door and backing up so his father can come in the apartment.

 “Is Emma still here?” Brennan questions, eyes darting around the foyer as if he could somehow see through the walls to where Emma resides.

 “Aye,” Killian responds, nodding his head in the direction of the staircase that leads to his bedroom, “she’s asleep. She’s had a trying few hours, no thanks to you…Actually, entirely thanks to you.”

 Part of him knows that he should be respectful to his father – it’s what he’s been trained to do for the entirety of his life, burned into his brain so that it’s almost second nature – but the words still roll off his tongue, every bit as harsh as he intends them to be. And it’s not exactly like he was respectful of him last night. But his father deserved it, deserves it. Every damn word.

 “I deserve that,” Brennan admits, hanging his head as if he’s actually ashamed of himself, and Killian feels like he’s entered some kind of alternate reality where up is down and left is right, “and that’s why I’m here. Can we sit and have a chat?”

 “Yeah – yes, sure,” Killian stutters out, leading his father over to the living room couches just like last night, an unpleasant wave of whiplash washing over him that makes him feel like he’s constantly swimming against the current. His father takes an armchair, placing the stack of files he was carrying down on the coffee table, while Killian sits across from him on one of the sofas, back rigid instead of relaxing into the cushions.

 He should have never let his father in the door, but morbid curiosity about what his father has to say led him to letting the man in. Good or bad or somewhere in between, Killian needs to know. His need to know doesn’t keep the anxiety from rising to the back of his throat, almost like bile created just by the rapid pumping of his heart. It probably just enhances his anxiety, if he’s honest with himself, because his entire life is up in the air right now and there’s no guarantee of a soft landing.

 Is there ever?

 “So your mother won’t speak to me or Liam,” Brennan begins, and it’s honestly not the best start, but it could be worse – it could be we’re done with you. And it’s not that Killian would be too bothered by that, but he’s always held this hope, however farfetched, in the back of his mind that his family could be a real family, full of love and differences and the ability to work through those differences with love. So really, the fact of the matter is that Killian is bothered by the fact that he’s even had to put this wedge in his family, to draw the battle lines and have to stand firmly on the side receiving the gunfire. He’s bothered by the fact that he’s had to tell his family to make a choice about continuing their relationship with him, and he’s bothered by the fact that they very well could be saying that they’ve chosen the path he’s never wished to travel, despite all of his protests otherwise.

 Killian is bothered by the fact that the people who are supposed to love him often act like they don’t, and he’s bothered by the fact that people who are supposed to love him may not ever learn to love the woman whom has stolen his affections.

 It’s a complicated thing to have so much disdain for someone while also having such desperation to love them and to have them love you in return. It’s as if you were flipping a coin, praying for it to land on tails, only to discover that both sides had a depiction of a silhouette etched into the metal. What you want and what is available to you seem to be at a cross-roads, and you know that once you choose your path, the two roads never intertwine again.

  “But that’s not the reason I’m here,” Brennan continues, clearing his throat before he continues. “I’m here because I went home last night absolutely fuming. I couldn’t believe that you would speak to me the way you did or that you had been lying to us for over half a decade. That was not the way I raised you to behave.”

 “Father,” Killian admonishes, but Brennan just raises his hands, indicating that Killian should just let him finish. Killian has to bite his tongue, mouth filling with the taste of iron, but he keeps his mouth shut despite his first instinct to snap at his father that he wasn’t the one who raised him at all.

 “I was angry, Killian,” he continues, reaching up to run his hands through his hair in the same way that Killian does, jet black hair turned gray so many years ago. “I was angry with you. I was angry with Emma. I was angry with the whole damn situation.” Brennan pauses, running his hand through his hair in the exact same motion as before as a moment before and Killian can see his chest move with the inhale of air he takes. “But mostly I was angry with myself.”

 His father’s voice cracks, barely noticeable if you hadn’t spent your entire life listening to that voice as Killian had, and this is honestly the most emotional Killian has seen him in years, since Killian’s grandfather died most likely. For a long time, his father had been like a statue, rock solid and never changing. But maybe there could be chips in the stone.

 There should be chips in the stone.

 “I was angry with myself,” Brennan continues, “for what I’d allowed this family to become. I remember growing up and hating the way my parents treated me and hating the way it was almost inhuman, the distance between a parent and a child. You know, once I was reunited with my parents after four months apart, and they shook my hand when I saw them. Didn’t hug me. Didn’t kiss my cheeks. They shook my hand as a seven-year-old boy. And yet, here I am, encouraging your brother to have a pompous stick up his ass and demeaning you for finding love, actual love, with a nice, normal girl. I raised you and Liam both the exact same way I was raised. I tried my hardest not to, but I guess I wasn’t strong enough to not fall through the cracks and fall into the temptation of the precedent that was set before me.”

 Killian doesn’t really know what to stay, may actually be shocked to silence at this. That seems to be happening a lot lately. His world keeps getting turned upside down on its axis and never resetting, instead staying constantly tilted so that nothing ever feels quite right, a constant uneasiness that he feels down to his bones.

 “Son, you’ve, multiple times, you’ve said you would give up your place in this family for Emma –”

 “I would.”

 “And that’s what truly hit me. If not for the fact that your mother won’t speak to me until I make this situation better, it’s the fact that you feel both so little for us and so much for Emma that you would just leave. No questions asked. I realize now that we’ve treated you poorly, and that’s shameful. I’d like to change that, even if it’s far past due…and hopefully not too late.”

 Killian doesn’t dare let a smile break out onto his face, a smile isn’t appropriate for the situation at hand, but for the first time in awhile, he feels hopeful. Still pissed off beyond belief, his anger and resentment flaring up inside of him as memories of his past assault him, but hopeful nonetheless. And not the kind of hopeful he felt yesterday when driving Emma to his apartment. That was a timid hope that was mostly just buried beneath his nerves. This is a hope that’s rising to the surface, crashing through the waves he’s been drowning in, the tide finally resigning itself back into the depths of the ocean.

“I’d like to think I can forgive you,” Killian calmly begins, bunching his hands into fists at his sides to help control his emotions. “I’d like to think that I can be the bigger man and forgive your lifetime of wrongs against me and these recent ones against Emma. But I’m not making promises or guarantees, and I’m damn sure not about to roll over and give my forgiveness to you now. That’s something you have to earn after years of neglect and poor treatment.”

  Killian’s voice is a controlled quiet, like he’s scared that if it’s above a certain level, whatever spell he’s under will break and the waves will take him under again. “ But, just for now, what do you have in mind?”

 “I had our security team look Emma up,” Killian blanches at that, even if it’s protocol and he knew he was coming, “and while the situation of her arrest and subsequent not guilty verdict is easily found despite the fact that she was a minor when it happened and it should be concealed, there’s nothing else that should cause too much issue or that gives me just cause to keep the two of you apart. I was wrong with my presumptions last night. I was wrong about a lot of things, actually. ”

 “Are you serious?”

 It’s Emma asking the question from her place in the doorway, still clad in her pajamas, t-shirt falling off her shoulder and exposing the skin there. Both Killian and Brennan’s heads snap toward her, but her eyes are only on Brennan, bright green staring into dark blue.

 “Yes, Ms. Nolan,” his father confirms.

 Emma doesn’t move from her spot in the doorway, and Killian knows that the look in her eyes is the one she has before she’s about to pick a fight. He’s been on the receiving end of it enough times to know that, and he’s sure his father is about to get an earful.

 “Look,” Emma begins, squaring her shoulders and letting a breath of air out, “I’m not sure exactly how inappropriate this is or if you still have to power to behead me or something ridiculous like that, but you and your family have put me through hell. You’ve put your own son through hell, treated him poorly. Your other son called me street trash, I believe. And you, you were quick to judge before you listened to the entire story. And even after you listened, you were judgmental and frankly an asshole. You all acted like I was nothing, and I’ve never been nothing in my entire life. What I am is a better person than both you and Liam. And I know you’re trying to make amends now. I do. But I cannot forgive you today. Maybe one day I will because I love Killian so deeply and despite what he’s told me all these years and despite the way you treat him, he loves you. So maybe one day you can earn that forgiveness, but I’m not going to give it today just because you’ve decided to ‘let me’ be a part of Killian’s life. That’s fucking ridiculous. It should have never come down to that. You should have never made Killian have to even make an ultimatum. He should have been loved and adored and cared for enough that him threatening to leave the family wasn’t even conceivable as an option. So even if you’re all gung ho on this now, I’m with Killian. I may be able to forgive you one day, but today is not that day.”

 Killian doesn’t know what to say or how to respond, but it’s also not his response that’s wanted here. It’s his father’s, and if Emma’s continued glare is anything to go by, it better be a good one. She’s breathing heavily, chest heaving as the adrenaline of her words pushes through her veins. She looks taller than her slight frame allows, and Killian knows that as small as she may be physically, emotionally she can pack a punch to take any man down.

 “I can offer nothing by my sincerest apologizes and regrets,” Brennan replies solemnly, not moving his eyes away from Emma’s. “And the hope that I can do better by you, and especially by Killian, from now on. I’ve been a poor example of a father, and I have no excuses for it.”

 “You’ve been a poor excuse of a human being,” Emma snarls, arms crossing over her chest now that her breathing has calmed. Killian loves her, and he loves the fire that burns bright inside of her. “You and Liam both. You do not get to treat me that way. You do not get to treat Killian that way. You do not get to treat anyone this way.”

 “I am sorry,” Brennan repeats, obviously at a loss for words.

 “I am, too,” Emma admits, moving from her place in the doorway to sit down next to Killian, running her hand on the inside of his thigh as she sits. “But I want to know what’s in those files on the table, and I want to know your plan for reconciling with your son by allowing him to be happy in the light instead of hidden away into the shadows.”

 For the first time all morning, Killian lets out a genuine smile, turning his head to look at Emma and being overwhelmed by the notion that this woman has saved him. This woman has saved him from living his life hidden away in the shadows as some kind of shell of himself.

 When he kisses her, lips moving hard and fast against hers, it’s entirely too inappropriate for them being in front of his father, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t bloody care.

 The three of them spend the rest of the afternoon – and late into the night – discussing plans of what this will be like, for her to slowly acclimate herself to being part of the royal family. It’s long and it’s detailed, and Killian idly wonders how long his father has had people working on this as he reads through the papers Brennan brought with him – if it’s something Abigail had to go through when she got engaged to Liam or if it’s something entirely new for Emma.

 To start, the two of them will begin going out on public dates to be photographed, like they should have done years ago. And while it’s technically to help familiarize both Emma and the public to this new change, Killian can’t hide his excitement at actually being able to take Emma out onto dates. Actual, dates.

 His father begins to tell Emma how her life is going to change and how her parents’ lives are going to change, even if there’s truly no way to prepare her for it. He’s been living this way his entire life, and he’s still not used to the flash of the camera lights. When the public gets wind of their dating, it’ll be like press feeding frenzy until it dies down – and it won’t die down really, just transform into something entirely different, a new normal. If she’s in public, pictures will be taken of her. If she’s working at the pub, they’ll be likely to have people show up in droves out of curiosity of who the prince is dating. Most people show respect and restraint toward them, but the press can be a different animal altogether. And Emma being a regular girl, and not someone who comes from title or wealth, will cause increased interest as nothing like this has ever happened before.

 The information about what happened to Emma when she was younger will most certainly come out, and when they do, all of that information will be plastered on the front pages of the papers and will be the headlines of the nightly news and of entertainment sites for weeks. People from her hometown, and most certainly anyone she’s dated, will come forward with information on her, and it doesn’t matter if that information is true or not. When Emma realizes that Neal could somehow come back into her life, her breathing starts to become erratic because that’s somehow something she’s pushed into the dark recesses of her mind, determined to forget he ever got to be a part of her life. But it would be just like him to use her for some notoriety and the money that comes with it.

 Killian just grabs onto her right hand, pulling it up to kiss the knuckles next to her ring, and her breathing seems to calm, heart beating at an almost normal pace.

 Some people will be kind and understanding, most of them will actually, but the negative statements and accusations will be more obvious and stick in both Emma and Killian’s minds more. That’ll be when they have to stick together and know that they are stronger than the harshest of media critics.

 Emma will have to undergo Duchess lessons, if they plan to get engaged at some point, and it’ll be an easier transition if she learns over time instead of all at once when she’s suddenly thrown into royal engagements and wedding planning.

 Killian is surprised that all of the talk about weddings and marriage don’t have Emma running for the hills. It’s something they’ve talked about before, but it’s never been in such concrete form. She looks nervous. There’s no hiding that. But she’s powering through it, and he’s so proud of her for everything that she’s ever done.

 Brennan goes on to talk about what Killian had mentioned last night, about how Killian has the most influence over younger people, about how he’s the reason they’re still popular amongst the younger generation. Brennan doesn’t want to be the stodgy monarchy of the past. He wants to move to a new future that he’s always hoped for but never had the courage or determination to do. He’s been stuck in the past, continuing to raise his children the way he was raised, even though he hated his upbringing. So if Killian and Emma can be the catalyst for change, he’ll support them in every way that he can.

 After Brennan finishes going through all of his royal talking points, folders of information read through and discussed, he take the time to talk to Emma, to get to know who she is as a person, her background that’s more than just what can be reported on paper. It’s something that should have happened yesterday, just a father meeting his son’s girlfriend, but they can’t change what’s happened. They can only try to move forward. It’s not that he’s forgiven his family for all they’ve done to him or to Emma, but it’s the hope that there can be forgiveness later. It’s all about hope after all.

 When his father finally leaves, and Killian shuts the door behind him, it’s to Emma rubbing her eyes with her knuckles.

 “That was exhausting,” she sighs out as she reclines on the couch, tucking her feet under the cushions and a small chuckle escaping from her lips. “I feel like I just got a four-year degree in being a princess or a duchess or whatever in eight hours. Talk about a crash course.”

 “Yeah?” Killian questions as he leans over her to give her a sweet, painstakingly slow kiss, determined to forget all of the negative emotions he’s been through recently, that they’ve been through recently.

 “Mmmm,” is all she says back, her lips chasing his even as he pulls back. “I love you so much, babe.”

 “Really?” he questions, surprised by the lightness of her tone. “That didn’t scare you off or make you hate my family anymore than you already do?”

 “Oh, I’m terrified,” she admits to him, but her voice doesn’t shake like it has been lately, “I just don’t think I can cry anymore today. Plus, I like to think I’m pretty good at adapting to new situations, don’t you? I mean, I am a master skier now after just that one trip.”

 Killian barks out a laugh at that, heart full of something resembling pure joy for the first time in awhile. It’s been the oddest turn of events, but with the way it’s turned out, even if there are still a lot of things to work through, he’s happy that the two of them have come through this on the other, potentially better, side.

 “Darling,” he says affectionately, leaning down to scoop her up from the couch bridal style to take her to his room, causing her to gasp in surprise, “you are horrible, and you know it. It’s like you got worse as the week went on.”

 “I did not.”

 “You did,” he tells her, placing her gently on the bed and crawling on top of her, “but you know what?”

 “What?” she whispers, reaching up, thumb tracing at the scar on his cheek.

 “I still love you.”

 And then he’s kissing her, lips against lips and tongue against tongue, and he thinks that this is definitely what he wants to do for the rest of his life.

[solienna]

🐰✨🍼🌸🍰🍯🍃🌧️🎄🎶💘 (i ask but i feel like the answers are cowboys, frogs, and a pretty dagger) 💅🏻 ⛅

🐰do you believe in soul mates?            ur probably gonna find this pretty entertaining considering my absolute adoration of soulmate AUs, but i actually don’t believe in soulmates

✨which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most?             i don’t know about what character i relate to MOST, but i did read this book this weekend called Warrior of the Wild by tricia levenseller and the main character was so much like me it was JARRING, i kept having to put the book down and be like calm down adri….. settle down, being known isn’t so terrifying u can lay your sword down. IT DIDN’T HELP THAT THE BOOK’S SETTING WAS VERY SKYRIM-ESQUE, like that book was SO FAR up my alley lmao, if u get the time to read it i highly recommend it my love!! it was a really nice experience, i haven’t read an actual book for fun in like…. probably a few years

🍼what is your favorite memory?               huh. i dunno if i really have a favorite single memory. but i think one of my favorite string of memories is the trip i went on with my mom to new york city for a couple of days. from start to finish it was so incredible and i love thinking about all the good times the two of us had. it was so GREEN there and all the water and the rain and all the different people… it was incredible. and then seeing hamilton on broadway… i’m still losing my mind over it. the BEST moment of the entire musical was during “the room where it happens,” the guy who played aaron burr was AMAZING and he just commanded the stage during his moment of self-revelation at the end of that song, i was literally transfixed by him, esp since i see a lot of myself in burr AND LIKE. i probably shouldn’t have but i felt so empowered seeing him take the stage like that and sing so loud and proud and like that. i still get excited every time i think about it. i guess that classifies as my favorite memory then

🌸what is your favorite flower?                uhhhh i don’t really have one? lotus flowers are really pretty though, i guess i’ll go with that

🍰strawberry or vanilla?                 hmmm…… strawberry

🍯describe your favorite smell                 OK WAIT i really like the smell after/before it rains here in the desert, it smells so good and it makes me sad it doesn’t rain more often. BUT IM GOING TO DERAIL THAT THOUGHT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. i know i told u about my aloe vera socks before, they smell really good and theyre my favorite pair of socks and all that. OK WELL…. i don’t know WHICH DOG did it but a HOLE has been chewed through the heel of one of the socks and wearing them is really uncomfortable now bc my left heel is just…. out there. it happened like a week ago and both snickers and buddha were in the house at the time so like…. idk who the culprit is but im MAD

 🍃 would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies?              OH THE FOREST ALL THE WAY. do u know how green forests are? i would be so happy

🌧️favorite thing to do on rainy days?              i think i told you about this before but since my house is on a slope, whenever it rains there’s this huge river of rainwater rushing down the side of the street and my favorite thing is to go out there with my dad and stand in that water while it rains, kicking water at each other and running back to the sidewalk whenever cars come by (i live on a busy street so pretty often). we only do it at nighttime and i always take my glasses off so the lenses don’t get smothered with raindrops, and my vision is pretty bad so the city lights are always like pretty blurry dots, and all around it’s just really nice

🎄what is your favorite holiday?              hm. idk im not too big about holidays? i guess i kinda like thanksgiving and christmas?

🎶favorite song right now?               If You Think I Will Limit Myself To One Song Meander You Are A Fool. i think my favorites right now are high hopes by panic! at the disco, eight by SaL, and low life by x ambassadors

💘3 ways to win your heart?                 LMAO MEANDER u were pretty spot on there with ur prediction so now i feel obligated to list other ways to win my heart. tbh i’m really big on touch? like i’m pretty sure the main way i express love is through touch so like. having that touch reciprocated always makes me really happy. the second way perhaps would be thru affirmation? i like to be reminded that i’m enough i guess. i really like unexpected compliments. the third and most important way to my heart of course would be to give me a full suit of body armor 

💅🏻do you like being spoiled?              LMFAO YEAH…..  a little bit……….. listen…… as the youngest child and the only daughter and a really hard worker i kinda……. get my way a little too much……. this is why i need to practice humility meander you dont UNDERSTAND

⛅what is your morning routine?              uhh well i don’t really have a morning routine for the weekends so i guess i’ll go with school days. if i finished my hmwk from the night before i wake up at like…. 6:30ish? and take a 10-15 minute shower, get dressed, dry my hair, let snickers outside (he sleeps in my room overnight), brush my teeth, and leave the house at like…. 7:20ish to get to my morning CS class at 7:30 (my school is a 2-3min drive away from my house). if i didn’t finish my hmwk from the night before, it’s the same routine except i wake up at like 4:30ish and do my hmwk for the next 2 hours 

[thorne93]

Old Flame, New Problems

Prompt: You’re in a serious relationship with Sebastian Stan, when news from your first love, Hayden Christensen, informs you that he’s now single and in need of a friend. Will your old flame burn out or will the flames get fanned and consume you?

Word Count: 2263

Warning: language, angst, fighting (verbal), drama

Notes: This idea came to me when news hit about Hayden and Rachel splitting. Of course I’m sad that a long time relationship such as theirs is ending, but it also means he’s single sooo…I’ve been wanting to write a “true” Hayden fic for a while.

Also, no hate towards Rachel. I don’t know her, don’t know what really happened between them, etc. It’s a fic and in no way reflects what I think of either of them or their precious daughter ^.^

I’m so sorry I haven’t gotten anything out to y’all. I’ve been busy every weekend with parties, birthdays, and other stuff. This was written but I kept editing it. But it’s a pretty long fic sooo…here we go! Thanks a million to my patient and lovely beta @like-a-bag-of-potatoes

Forever Tags: @amarvelouswritings @cocosierra94 @essie1876 @magpiegirl80 @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @iamwarrenspeace @marvel-imagines-yes-please @superwholocked527 @myparadise1982sand @missinstantgratification @thejulesworld @rda1989 @marvelloushamilton @munlis @thefridgeismybestie @bubblyanarocks3 @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @hardcollectionworldtrash @igiveupicantthinkofausername @kaliforniacoastalteens @feelmyroarrrr @kaeling

Sebastian Stan Tag: @nedthegay @lostinspace33 @alwayshave-faith @elleatrixlestrange @buenostardissherlock @lenawiinchester @the-red-world-of-jess-chibi @memory-of-a-goldfish @mellsstark

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I hate you,” you whispered angrily.

In front of you was a mocking blinking cursor on a blank Word document. The deadline for five short stories were coming up for you to be added to a book of short love stories and so far, for three weeks, no inspiration had struck. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

Writer’s block was one thing, but you’d fallen into this black hole that was devoid of creativity. You had tried the parks, watching movies, reading other people’s work…But nothing…

With a goan and a sigh, you shut your lid to your laptop and got up. The apartment was a bit of a wreck since you had been so busy trying to pull some sort of inspiration from somewhere. In an attempt to just completely forget about writing at all, you decided to work around the apartment.

First was the master bathroom - you deep cleaned it. Scrubbing the sink, shower, and toilet. Hand scrubbed the floors. Organizing the cabinets. Then you moved onto the master bedroom. In there, you changed the bedding, organized and cleaned the night stands, dusted everything, and swept. You continued your festival of deep cleaning throughout the apartment until everything was spotless. This took all morning and a little into the afternoon.

Grabbing your keys and purse to head out to pick up some groceries, your phone rang.

“Hey, babe!” you greeted happily while you leaned on the island in the kitchen.

“Hey! We took lunch, so thought I’d give you a call,” Sebastian stated on the other side of the phone. “How’s the writing coming?”

“It’s not,” you informed in an annoyed grumble.

“Nothing yet?” he asked, mild shock in his voice.

“No,” you sighed.

“Well keep at it,” he tried.

“Actually, I’ve been cleaning, trying to not think of it. You know, the old thing where if you don't’ think about it, it’ll come to you. I’m about to go out and get something for dinner what would you like?”

You heard Sebastian laugh away from the phone, and say something indecipherable before putting the phone back near his face.

“Seb?” you tried again.

He was still chuckling a little bit when he answered, “I’m sorry, what?” Immediately after he asked though, another loud ripple of laughter left him.

You sighed and slightly rolled your eyes. You didn’t mind Sebastian having fun, but you hadn’t seen him for about six months due to filming all over and premieres and interviews for I, Tonya. He had just gotten back two weeks ago, and was already at another small table read for another movie today. The two of you didn’t have a lot of time together this whole year, and now you have five minutes on the phone and he couldn’t even give you his full attention.

“I’ll just let you go,” you solemnly said, admitting defeat.

After a second, he finally returned. “Hmm? Oh. Alright. Have fun! I hope the writing gets better. Love you, bye!”

“Love you too. Bye.”

You hung up, dropped your phone in your purse, and shook your head.

Two years together. You lived together, and yet, you hardly ever saw each other.

In the two weeks he’d come back, he’d been entirely aloof, nearly ignoring you. Dinners together he was entirely entranced in his phone, texting, reading, calling. If he wasn’t ignoring you for his phone, he was otherwise disregarding you for something else. Friends, sleep, anything. You were barely there to him and it was really starting to hurt and wear on you.

Snuffing out the thoughts, you decided not to dwell on it. He was happy, having fun, and that’s all that mattered. You left the apartment and went shopping.

—————–

Once you returned with two armfuls of groceries, you sat to work on a nice meal for Sebastian. You knew how he hated eating out all the time so you thought this would be a good change of pace. Not to mention it might demand some new attention.

After all the goods were stowed away in their rightful place, you set to work on the meal. You decided to do dessert first, to let it set and chill. Raspberry tiramisu coming up!

Next was the lasagna. Your mom’s award winning recipe. You had never had a lasagna as good as hers…ever. There was so much cheese and flavor, with a little bit of a kick to it. Your mouth was watering just thinking of it. After the messy ordeal of making it, you cleaned up your countertops, popped the divine dish in the oven, and began making the garlic cheese bread. Finally, the salad. The veggies were rinsed, chopped, and tossed, it was just awaiting the dressing.

Everything was coming together. You sat the dining room table with a white linen cloth, the one you only pulled out for incredibly special occasions, and set the table. A plate on each end, a napkin with silverware on the side, two glasses on each end - one for wine and one for water. You fluffed the bouquet you’d picked up on the way back from the store and lit two candles in crystal candelabras. It was a romantic dinner fit for royalty.

As you were putting the finishing touches on everything, your phone rang. You picked up your phone and saw the caller ID and frowned.

“Hello?” you answered with a high inflection, confused as to why this person was calling.

“Hey, Y/N, long time no talk,” Hayden greeted on the other end. Immediately you knew something was wrong. His voice was doing that thing were it sounded like he was trying not to laugh and cry, which usually meant he was faking a happy tone over sadness.

“Hey, Hayden,” you responded lightly. “Yeah, haven’t talked to you since your birthday, which still weirds me out that you share a birthday with my brother,” you noted with a laugh. When you didn’t hear much of a reply on the end, you asked, “Everything okay?”

After a moment of quiet, which made you worry, he answered, “Uh…No…No it’s not…Could you come see me?”

The wind was sucked out of your lungs.

You hadn’t seen Hayden in years. Probably about six years since you’d physically seen each other. Other than that, it was Christmas cards every year, a text on Thanksgiving, and a phone call for each other’s birthday.

Hayden was your first love, and why wouldn’t he be? You dated for five years from the time you were twenty. He was a budding young star in New York for interviews and press, and you were and up and coming writer at NYU. At that time, you were working on screenplays and you had caught the attention of some producers on Broadway, the only person in your entire class to get work that prestigious while still attending. Your paths crossed through mutual friends and your worlds eclipsing, you had met each other and fallen in love.

“Uh…Where are you?” you questioned, tracing lines in the marble countertop mindlessly.

“Toronto. Please? I need a friend.”

“What’s going on, Hay?” you asked in a serious tone, your worry settling even further.

“Rachel and I…uh…we split up and I really don’t want to be alone. She’s out in LA with Briar Rose and…” He stopped, probably to keep himself from crying.

This news hit you like a ton of bricks. They would be the last couple in the world you would’ve thought would get separated.

You bit your lip in thought. “Hayden, I don’t know if it’s such a good idea…”

“Please?” he begged again, so much emotion in his voice it broke your heart.

A moment or two passed while you thought. “I’ll see what I can do,” you acquiesced. This was dangerous…

“Thank you,” he breathed with relief lacing into his voice.

“Any time. Talk to you soon.”

“Thanks. Bye.”

You hung up, took a deep breath, ran your fingers through your hair, and set off toward your laptop.

——————

Throwing shirts and jeans into your suitcase on the bed, Sebastian walked in the door.

“Babe? You here? I’m home!” he called out.

“I’m back here!” you responded, your heart hammering. You knew you’d have to explain your sudden departure, and when he would hear of the reason why, he wasn’t going to be happy.

Sebastian came to the bedroom and saw what you were doing.

“Um…Whatcha doin’?” he asked, concern on his face and in his voice.

You looked up as you continued your path of moving from suitcase to closet, closet to suitcase.

“Packing,” you said simply. “Dinner is in the oven.”

Sebastian stood with a mask of utter confusion and shock on his face. “Where are you going?”

At his question, you stilled, you still had a sweater in your hand as you started to bend down to put it in your suitcase. You sighed and took a deep breath. He needed to know.

“I’m going to see Hayden,” you informed and his eyebrow perked up. “In Canada. He and Rachel are splitting up and he called and asked if I could come up and keep him company.”

“Hayden…as in your ex Hayden?” Sebastian stated. “And you didn’t think to talk to me about it?”

“What’s there to talk about?” you asked as you went back to packing. You went to the bathroom to grab the toiletries and convert them to airplane friendly containers.

Sebastian followed your frenzied body all over the master suite.

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe you should ask me before you just head off to your ex’s,” he suggested with sarcasm.

“So I have to ask your permission?” you questioned, a hint of irritation on your voice.

He sighed and threaded his fingers into his hair. “No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying?” you questioned with exhaustion.

“Y/N, stop, look at me,” he ordered gently. “Y/N,” he said again. “Y/N,” he repeated with a raised voice as he grabbed you around the upper arms to keep you still. “Stop,” he softly commanded. “Can’t we just talk about this?”

You shrugged and he took it as a yes. He let you go.

“Okay, so he wants you to come up there, why?” he asked firmly.

“He said he needed a friend,” you offered simply with another shrug, shampoo bottle in your hand.

“Doesn’t he have other friends?” he questioned.

You shrugged. “I don’t know, Sebastian. I didn’t ask. He sounded really broken up so I told him I’d try to make it up there.”

“Okay…” he started, dragging the word out. “So you’re just going to go up to your ex’s house…alone…who’s recently split up…This doesn’t sound bad to you?” he asked, his brows knitting together.

You sighed. “I know it does. I know you two don’t like each other. But…he needs a friend. Don’t you trust me?”

Sebastian took a moment to answer. “Yes…of course…But I just got back and now you’re leaving. How long are you even going to be up there?”

Again, you shrugged. When it came to Hayden, you didn’t really think. You just jumped in, you dove in head first. He had that sort of power over you where it was hard to deny him anything.

“I’m not sure. Two days, three, maybe a week, I don’t know.”

“Oh well that makes me feel better,” he sarcastically responded. “I don’t like this.”

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear. I know how this sounds….But he said he needed me, he needed a friend and I would think you’d be supportive of that,” you tried desperately. Your eyes searched his, but they seemed to be clouded with a million worried thoughts. “Are you honestly worried I would be unfaithful to you?” you questioned. “I would hope after several months away from each other, and the million opportunities I had to cheat on you, I wouldn’t wait for Hayden to call and tell me he’s splitting up to commit infidelity.”

Seb nodded at this. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. Now I need to finish packing, my plane leaves in an hour and a half.”

“Tonight?!”

“Yes. Tonight.”

“Why do you have to leave now?” he demanded.

“I don’t know. I don’t see a reason to wait. Between my writing and you being gone all the time, it’s probably best if I just leave tonight,” you stated, trying to rationalize it.

Sebastian stood stunned as he stared at you.

“Dinner is in the oven, salad is on the table, the dessert is in the fridge,” you informed as you finished packing and zipped up your bag.

“So that’s it? You’re just going to leave?” he asked as you started to get your things gathered and got near the doorway.

“What do you want me to do, Sebastian? Leave tomorrow? What’s the difference? You’ll be at work.”

“Can you at least stay and eat? It seems like you went to a lot of trouble,” he desperately requested, his eyes had a strained look to them.

You shook your head. “No. I really need to go. I’m sorry.” You petted Spinee’s head, the dog Sebastian had adopted a few months before you met, and told him goodbye before kissing his nose. “I love you,” you quietly said as you walked over and hugged him. You kissed him but it felt cold on his side.

A sad smile touched your lips as you left the apartment and headed for the airport.

[thisislizheather]

February Feats

So happy that February flew by this year, although with no snow in New York it felt a little sacrilegious. I think this has been the least snow I’ve ever experienced in a winter in my life and it feels awful. There’s still a few weeks left of the season, so I guess that could change but I mean snow in March? Give me a break. Here’s what went down this month.

NATHAN DID THE TONIGHT SHOW! And it was amazing. So crazy proud. I got to go with him to 30 Rock and everyone was so nice and it was incredible.

I rewatched As Good As It Gets and what a terrible movie! No way in hell would Helen Hunt get together with Jack Nicholson. C’mon.

I started watching The Haunting of Hill House and I don’t think I’ll continue. Reasons? 1. I don’t think I like horror shows. Movies? Sure, that’s a fun time with an end date of a few hours. 2. What awful parents would keep their millions of children in a house like that? 3. Maybe it was a bad idea to start this in February, when it’s nowhere near spooky season, that might be my fault.

Saw Happy Death Day 2U with Nathan on Valentine’s Day because I wanted to see something and WOOF, what a nightmare of a movie. I knew it would be terrible, but it still shocked me.

Read Ellie Kemper’s latest book.

Finally caught up to the end of season four on Broad City and goddam is that a perfect show. Excited to start season five soon.

I rebought Essie’s Apricot Cuticle Oil because I used to love it and then finished it and forgot about it. It’s such a great product but you do have to use it at least semi-daily to see a real difference in your cuticles.

Went to Charlie Palmer Steak for a Restaurant Week lunch and even though the environment is kind of stuffy, the food was really good. I love when pasta is offered as an appetizer, it’s always the perfect amount. The tagliatelle was really good and the steak sandwich was great (if not a little too bread-y). That sandwich is also the “official sandwich of Madison Square Garden” which everyone tells you a thousand times upon entering the restaurant, so that’s something too, I guess?

CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS SHOW TO COME OUT mainly because of how amazing the book is. Airs March 15!

Love that Trader Joe’s keeps putting out new candle scents. The Lemon Cookie one is fantastic.

Loved the Big Mouth Valentine’s Day special. Obviously over the moon pleased that the lady bug was in it.

So I tried Ree Drummond’s Caesar salad dressing recipe and I wasn’t a huge fan of her dressing itself  (Teigen’s dressing is better but of course it is because of the mayo), BUT I loved the way she does her croutons. They turn out really crunchy on the outside, but still super soft on the inside, it’s genius and I’ll include how to do it below.

Ree Drummond’s Croutons recipe: Slice the (French or ciabatta) bread into thick slices and cut them into 1-inch cubes. Throw them onto a baking sheet. Heat some olive oil in a small saucepan or skillet over low heat. Crush-but don't chop-the garlic and add them to the oil. Use a spoon to move the garlic around in the pan. After 3 to 5 minutes, turn off the heat and remove the garlic from the pan. Slowly drizzle the olive oil over the bread cubes. Mix together with your hands, and then sprinkle lightly with salt. Toss and cook in the pan until golden brown and crisp. Add a little butter for more flavor.

Honestly, those croutons were so good that I had a few leftover that I put in a pappardelle tomato pasta the next day and… whoa. Have you ever put croutons in a pasta before? Holy fuck was it good. The crunch factor in an otherwise texture-less dish was unbelievable. How is this not a thing that everyone is doing? We all need to wake the fuck up.

I also made Ina Garten’s cauliflower toast and my god, IT WAS AMAZING.

A new bar opened in my neighborhood called The Huntress, so we went and it’s pretty good! It’s mostly a wings places and they were really tasty (and that’s coming from someone who does not enjoy wings - the bones are too tiny and gross and no thanks), but these were really good. They also have poutine (!) on the menu, and even though the gravy is much too salty, the beautifully authentic curds were appreciated.

I always forget about the one bottle of Tom Ford nail polish I have, but it lasts me a full week whenever I wear it. I mean, the price is stupid, but it does last a decent amount of time.

Have you heard of the site or the book Desserts For Two? Pretty self-explanatory, but it’s created by a woman who makes recipes specifically for two people. I tried her chocolate cake recipe for Valentine’s Day and it was delicious. The cake was so good, but I really didn’t care for her frosting, if you do try this one definitely find a better icing recipe online or better yet just buy the premade one they sell at grocery stores. Or even just top it with Nutella. Fuck, I’m hungry now.

Watched all of Difficult People and I mean�� SUCH a great show, which everyone obviously knows by now, it just took me awhile to finally get there and see it. Other than it being a great show, I was completely in awe of Julie Klausner’s wardrobe. I wanted everything she wore.

This Lemon, Bacon, Kale, Cauliflower pasta blew my face off, I made it three days in a row.

I rewatched a lot of the last season (spoilers ahead) of Dawson’s Creek (does it sound like a don’t have a job? I do! I just don’t work very hard) and when Jen dies and then Grams says to her, “I’ll see you soon, child. Soon.” I fucking sobbed. BUCKETS. My god. I mean, see for yourself. (And if your reaction isn’t quite as strong as mine… look inside yourself, maybe.)

I have wanted to try this Serious Eats  potato recipe forever so I did and it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. Some of the potatoes turned out the way they were supposed to, but you’re really supposed to do this technique with a real oven and not a tiny convection one like I have. The few that came out the way they were supposed to were really good and crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, but the effort involved in this recipe was too next-level. Maybe as a Thanksgiving recipe it’d make sense?

I watched the Versace series on Netflix and holy heavenly fuck, it’s a bad one. I only lasted about three episodes before I just couldn’t go any further. SO terrible.

Had a slice at Scarr’s in the Lower East Side and it was very decent, definitely one of the most solid pepperoni slices in that area. UPDATE: Definitely don’t go late at night, they’ve been sitting around all day and they suuuuuuck right before closing.

I now know how to make a steak at home and there’s no turning back now. I’ve been forever intimidated by cooking steak at home because it seemed like such a hard thing to do properly. (I did it once a few years ago and, like, tripled the amount of cream sauce I put on top and felt so sick I didn’t ever want to do it again.) But I did it on two separate occasions this month and I think I’m maybe kind of a pro at it now? This Tasty video helped so much. The only tip I can offer is to use normal salt and not the course kosher salt that I did on steak #1, that baby was inedible because of that course salt. Oh! And for the sauce that you obviously have to serve your steak with, it’s best to grind your own peppercorns in a spice grinder. I don’t know why, but I feel like this was the most important step. I have a lot of steak thoughts. I’ll stop.

I tried the tacos at Empellon Al Pastor in the East Village and while they were pretty good, I found them slightly on the expensive side for a place on Avenue A. We can all calm down a bit.

I visited Sweet Moment in Chinatown for a latte and it was a pretty cute experience even if the service was a little salty. If we’re being real, people only come here because Instagram exists, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The cream art choco latte that I had was ridiculous good, which makes sense because I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just melted chocolate in a cup.

I visited the Glossier flagship store again because I was in the neighborhood and I (finally) tried out their Boy Brow. And let’s get this straight, I tried it on even though I already had other eyebrow products on (ColourPop’s Brow Boss Pencil as well as a little Milani Easybrow) which was maybe a dumb idea, but I didn’t want to wipe my eyebrows off and try the Glossier one incase it sucked and then had to walk around the rest of the day looking like a psychopath. SO, that being said, here’s what it looked like using all three products.

They look pretty full, right? I kind of think too full. I don’t know, maybe I’m a maniac. I should’ve done a before and after photo, not just an after. I just don’t see the big deal about their products. I feel like every item Glossier sells is something you need to use in combination with something else so it’ll actually look like something’s working. In conclusion, I have no idea if this is a good product or not and that’s really irritating, even to me.

Chrissy Teigen just announced that she’s gonna start her own website with new recipes! Amazing news!

I ate the pepperoni slice at Mama’s Too on the Upper West Side and all the good reviews about it ain’t lying. Crazy good slices. Might even be better than Prince Street Pizza.

I tried the mini Thickening Spray from Bumble & Bumble in my continued attempt at hair domination (and may I suggest that you always buy the mini size of any new hair product you’re trying? It makes so much more sense and is much cheaper) and it worked out well! I’ve only used it once but I think it’s a good product, next time I’ll definitely try it on my roots as well to see what it can really do. UPDATE: Definitely don’t spray it on your roots, it works much better if you use it sparsely on the rest of your hair when damp. 

I saw Waitress on Broadway and just wow. I haven’t been to a show in years and I forgot how much fun they are. This one was absolutely no exception. I went because a friend of mine that I met at the restaurant is in it, so I went to see her and not only was she phenomenal (Jessie Hooker-Bailey), the entire show was incredible. Joey McIntyre was great. Also? They had these mini pies for sale at intermission (genius) and the Salted Caramel Chocolate Pie is literally reason enough to go see this show. I need that recipe and I need it badly.

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I finally ate at Sardi’s (which is something I’ve wanted to do for years) and sat at (in my opinion) the best corner booth under Dr. Ruth. And while I wish I had more to gush about, I… don’t. Ugh! I really think I just ordered bad. I only got the steak tartare and it was probably the most disappointing one I’ve ever had, which sucks considering it was also the most expensive. I knew I should’ve ordered the crab cake. That being said, I will definitely return mainly because the service was so impeccable that you’d have to return. Everyone was crazy nice and accommodating and pleasant, this one is just my fault I think. Also, I need to stop ordering streak tartare. I’ve already found the place that makes it the best (The Dutch) so why the hell am I still looking? I feel like a happily married man who can’t stop looking for something better to come along. STOP!

HELLO BEST MONTH OF THE YEAR, MARCH!

[clayray3290]

Clayray Closeout 2018

Another momentous year has passed, and I am feeling reflective about my tastes and my year, so once again, clayray is closing out the year. Usually I don’t do this, but this year, I traveled a lot, like A LOT a lot, and I made the move across the country to LA, so before I reflect on my media consumption, here is a list of all the places I went to this year:

January - Baltimore for a baby shower February - San Francisco Sonoma for a wine tasting trip with college friends March - New York City to see musicals April - Las Vegas for PBS TechCon Two days after getting back - Sarasota for Roadshow Less then a week after - Tulsa for Roadshow May - San Francisco for CAAMFest Louisville for Roadshow Literally the day after - LA San Diego for Roadshow June - Detroit for Roadshow Toronto with mom Montreal to see Sarah July - Charlotte to meet up with Colleen and Katy Smoky Mountains for a bridal shower New Hampshire for a wedding September - Moved to LA! October - San Francisco for a wedding Boston Newport for a wedding November - Florida for Thanksgiving

Whew! As you can see, August and December were the only months that I didn’t travel, and that was because August was spent preparing for my big move and in December, my family came to me. What with layovers, I was on 33 flights plus 5 significant buses plus several “road trips” with friends/family, too. And some of these trips were so back-to-back that I barely spent any time sleeping in my own bed!

Now, I’m still in a weird period of transition, but soon enough, I will develop a routine and establish a place here. I moved across the country with no job, no apartment, and very few friends, and it was a humongous change to make. But as scary and hard as it can be, I think I have enough faith in myself that it will all work out and I will be okay. And with that, I’m looking forward to 2019!

But meanwhile, continuing to look back:

Music - Artists

La Luz

Joywave

Jesse McCartney

Younha

Saint Motel

30 Seconds to Mars

Betty Who

The Aces

BTS

Infinite

As always, artists that I saw live are a huge presence in this list: La Luz, Saint Motel, 30 Seconds to Mars, and Betty Who, and technically I was walking up to the venue when Joywave was playing (which I am still bitter about, for the record.) Other artists I saw live this year: MisterWives and Walk the Moon opening for 30 Seconds to Mars, Tamia, Duckwrth and Buyepongo at the Made in LA Festival literally my second day in LA, Gymshorts opening for La Luz, Vincent Vallières and Brigitte Boisjoli and Martha Wainwright and Michel Rivard and Klô Pelgag at the Fete in Montreal, Bleachers, Sara Bareilles at MisCast, Dionysia and Bazmati Vice, Gryffin, and I guess technically I saw Pregnant Boy.

I have been in love with Jesse McCartney since I was 11 and he released new music this year, which I adored (which you will soon see in the Top Tracks), so of course he’s that high up. Similarly, Younha released an excellent album this year and I’ve always loved her. I actually didn’t find Infinite’s album particularly thrilling, but I guess I liked it well enough that I wouldn’t skip their songs whenever they came up.

I had actually listened to The Aces before, but this year was when I really got into them. Their album is stellar and I love their sound and their look!

And as for BTS, my mom’s actually a huge fan and there was no escaping their immense worldwide popularity. I remember when they debuted! It’s great to see how they have grown to be the K-Pop group that has “made it” to the States.

This is the first time in a long time that my all-time favorites like Secret and McFly haven’t been in the top. Secret’s disbandment really hurt, even though we all saw it coming, and I’m still not over it.

Odesza didn’t make it up to the very top, but I also listened to them a lot with my boyfriend. :)

Music - Albums

Younha - RescuE

The Aces - When My Heart Felt Volcanic

Infinite - TOP SEED

Hamilton OBCR

Alexz Johnson - A Stranger Time

Dan Masterson - When Reality Calls

La Luz - Floating Features

Janelle Monáe - Dirty Computer

Eric Nam - Honestly

Anastasia OBCR

Unsurprisingly, my top artists are showing up in the top albums. I was surprised to see that the Hamilton OBCR was so high, but then I remembered that I featured it heavily in my 4th of July playlist that I played during my party. I’ve been fond of Alexz Johnson since Instant Star, even though I didn’t actually watch the show, and my friend Schuyler and I had a bit of a phase reminiscing about that era of “teen show” singers like her and also Drake Bell.

Dan Masterson is, full disclosure, a friend of mine from college, but his album is really excellent, and you should check it out if you’re interested in piano-based singer-songwriter tunes!

What is there to say about Janelle Monáe except that she is a beacon of brilliance, and we are lucky just to be able to witness it.

The other musical on this list is Anastasia, which is one of the musicals I saw this year. I saw it on Derek Klena’s last evening performance, which is actually one of two times that I saw him. I also saw him in Jagged Little Pill at the A.R.T (he is not the best part of that show, though, Lauren Patten’s “You Oughta Know” is hands down unequivocally the showstopper). The other musicals I saw this year were Allegiance, Hello! Dolly, and I saw the Genies’ Jukebox. Not a musical, but I also saw the off-Broadway show Puffs, which was hysterical.

I’m not sure why I didn’t pay attention as much, but Death Cab’s album this year is pretty great. I didn’t love the Arctic Monkeys’ album as much as I wanted to, though they actually just missed being in my Top Artists by 10 listens. Robyn’s album this year was also pretty stellar, but it was released pretty late in the year.

Movies

As always, subjective ranking and not numbers-based.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? Okay, biased, what with my children’s media thing and PBS thing. Tbh I don’t even like documentaries that much, but this one. I wept. And we really needed this film right now.

Blindspotting I saw this at the Independent Film Festival Boston, with a Q&A with Daveed Diggs and Rafael Casal afterwards, and just wow. This is an incredible tour de force. Brilliantly crafted and visceral and hilarious, too. I know a bunch of people were drawn to it because of Daveed Diggs and his Hamilton fame, but genuinely, he and Rafael Casal’s passion for this film and overwhelming talent shine through in this.

Searching Look, I love love loved Crazy Rich Asians and Asian August and Asian-American women bringing back the rom com. As an Asian-American woman, I have been waiting for so long for this to happen. But I picked Searching because as a film, Searching takes the screen footage tactic, heretofore only really used in horror films, and capitalizes on it to such amazing dramatic and emotional effect. John Cho is fantastic, of course in this very tense and very stressful film.

Black Panther I cannot believe it hasn’t even been a year since Black Panther. Can we start using the term BBP and ABP for Before and After Black Panther? I saw somewhere that Letitia Wright is the biggest box office star of the year, which is fabulous because she is fabulous (and a Disney princess!). The world-building is amazing, the action is amazing, the eye candy is amazing (Helloooooo Michael B. Jordan and Chadwick Boseman and Danai Gurira and Lupita Nyong’o and...you get the point).

Ralph Breaks the Internet I spent a lot of this film marveling at how only Disney could have pulled this off, this massive ambitious bringing together of so many brands and characters and, y’know, the internet. I also enjoy that this is not a romantic love story, and it is a story about love in other ways. Loving your friends and caring for them and respecting them is so important, and dealing with insecurity is as well. This is such a smart movie, and as somebody who cares about children’s media, that is the standard to which we should aspire.

Honorable Mentions: A Quiet Place (Though of the horror films this year, Hereditary and Annihilation were also very good), Madeline’s Madeline for Helena Howard’s performance, I Tonya because um duh figure skating but does not make the list because trying to pass off Margot Robbie as teenage was laughable, Three Identical Strangers

Movies I Want to See But Haven’t Yet: Eighth Grade, Sorry to Bother You, Support the Girls, Widows, Creed II, The Hate U Give, Halloween, Burning, RBG, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, Dumplin’ (My roomie’s in it!)

Movies I Should See But Haven’t Brought Myself To Care About: A Star is Born, Mission Impossible: Fallout, Mary Poppins Returns, Green Book, Love Simon, Paddington 2

2020.12.02 EDIT: I was wrong about Paddington 2. It is an incredible film.

Television

Sharp Objects I’ve read the book (and own it somewhere...) but it had been a while, so Sharp Objects did what a good mystery does - even upon a revisit, the things you don’t remember are tantalizing and the discovery of new clues and revelations keep shifting your perspective and giving it a jolt each time. Amy Adams is phenomenal in this (as she always is) and Eliza Scanlen as Amma gives a piercing performance in this.

Queer Eye All of the remakes happening incessantly is tiring and also eyeroll-inducing (it’s cliche but honestly, where are the original ideas nowadays?), but then we get something like Queer Eye. Reality TV gets a hard rap, but with Queer Eye, you get the entertainment factor and also incredibly moving emotional heft as well. Also, I genuinely wonder at how Bobby gets all that house remodeling done and he doesn’t get enough credit for it!

The Haunting of Hill House I love the Shirley Jackson story and also the original movie (I have not watched the 90′s movie and I don’t think I ever will), so my only real gripe with this show is that I wish they didn’t call it The Haunting of Hill House because it really isn’t. But what it is, is a brilliant family drama launching off of the Hill House story. It is captivating and beautiful and spooky, and also the casting of the young kids is impeccable.

Nailed It! Sometimes you just need to guffaw over people’s ridiculous failures. This show doesn’t take itself too seriously and because it embraces the silly, it’s full of heart and joy.

Élite I love foreign teen dramas. I love murder...in my television/movies. Of course I was gonna love this show. But just because it has these two elements doesn’t mean that I automatically was going to think it’s a great show (It does probably mean I would automatically enjoy it, but that’s different). Both of these genres are rife with tropes, but this show takes them and executes them in such a way that it rings true and doesn’t distract from your enjoyment.

Honorable Mention: Memories of the Alhambra only because it’s still ongoing! It’s a brilliant way of looking at technology and combining it with all the elements of a K-drama that you could want. It’s kinda like if a good episode of Black Mirror (because goodness knows that quality varies) combined with a K-drama.

Also of mention are some excellent series that continued this year. I can’t believe I didn’t watch them when they first came out, but The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and Big Mouth are both so so good. Though I have strong feelings about the second season of Maisel and think the Paris bit was just an awkward flex and should have been cut, and the Catskills could have been an entire series of its own. Also, I actually saw Nick Kroll do some readings of all the characters in Big Mouth at the Vulture Festival this year!

In addition to the show-watches-from-the-beginning that I am still working through (Parks and Rec, The Wire, Gilmore Girls, Mad Men, etc.) I’ve also started watching Ugly Betty and Strong Woman Do Bong Soon from the beginning.

There are a few new shows from this year that I really have been wanting to watch but haven’t yet: Killing Eve, Kidding, Homecoming. Mostly Killing Eve for Queen Sandra Oh and also the girl from MMFD!

Okay, whew! That’s enough of that. Where do I even find the time to watch all this stuff??