#i went 146 days before and the cravings almost never went away i would work for 5 hours and spend the next 11 waking hours thinking about

[narutomaki]

4 days and 23 hours since my last cigarette before i quit cold turkey and i am like. man. maybe smokings not that bad for you. ill be fine im sure. it totally doesnt affect me poorly.

[enasallavellan]

Chapter 146

Cullen begins to recover from his first week completely off of lyrium; and tasks Enasal with getting rid of his lyrium kit.

Quick note: I didn't like how they did the oh-so-deadly lyrium withdrawal in the game. We see Cullen grumpy and bickering with Cassandra, and another with him lobbing his kit at the Inquisitor and then leaning on the desk with a manly groan of pain. So yeah, I thought that was stupid so I'm changing most of this whole arc.

.

TPR - Love Grows - A Melancholy Tribute To Final Fantasy VIII

A pounding headache woke Cullen up. It was the first thing he was aware of, and simply lay there with only the pain as his conscious companion. Finally, the fog in his mind thinned and he managed to open his eyes.

And there, sleeping on the floor beside him, was Enasal. Curled into a ball close by, her deep breaths rising and falling as her eyelashes fluttered with dreams - bad ones from the furrowing of her brow.  He knew the headache didn’t really subside, but seeing her face made it feel like it did.

“Enasal?”  He asked, reaching out a weak arm to touch her face.  

She murmured something before her eyes inched open - then widened as she scrambled to him, putting a hand on his cheek, “Cullen!”  His fever had broken, and his eyes, though still bloodshot, had cleared in the slightest, and had lost the hardness she had seen previously.  “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been trampled by the entire army.”  He smiled weakly and went to sit up, but the pain in his head made him lay back down.

Enasal smoothed his hair, “You probably still need to rest.”

He sighed, “How long have I been out?”

“Almost nine days.”  She said, “Do you remember anything?”

Cullen reached up, covering her small hand with his own, “Just bits and pieces… nightmares and pain and,” His brow furrowed, “Did I throw something at you?” 

She shook her head, deciding a lie would be best.  He’d never forgive himself if he knew he had done just that, “No - it must have been another nightmare.”

He sighed in relief. “Thank the Maker.”

She kissed his forehead, “Do you think you can eat?”

His stomach immediately turned. “I don’t think so.”

“Even some broth?”

“I’m not sure.”

She nodded and laid back down beside him, “We’ll try later, then.”

He smiled weakly, “What did I do to deserve you?”

“You know I hate when you say that.” She stroked his cheek, “Let’s try to get some more sleep, okay? I haven't been sleeping much.”  Her eyes had already gotten heavy.

Cullen nodded, his head pounding from the motion.  “That’s a good idea.”

“Do you think you can?”

“With you here, I’m sure I can.”

Enasal smiled and closed her eyes.

Everyone insisted on a few more days of bed rest.  He finally managed to get up the ladder to his own bed the last night. Enasal stayed with him, just as she had promised.  It was a comforting constant, to know that she was just a word away.

After twelve days, he managed to stand at his desk for nearly an hour and get some work done. He started by looking over the work that had been done by Voldin, checking to make sure it met his own strict standards. With his better health, Varric had convinced Enasal to start having dinner with him again.  Even though Cullen had been enjoying having her around so much, he admitted that it was good for her to get out for a bit.

Eventually, his headache returned and he resigned himself to clearing off his chair so he could sit down - but another thought entered his head. He reached up to the top of his bookcase, where his lyrium kit was still sitting.  Quickly, he shoved it in one of his desk drawers, locking it tight.  He felt a bit of relief in the security but knew he’d have to get rid of it. He was afraid that if he still had easy access to the stuff that he could possibly give in.  Adan had told him that the addiction never fully went away.  Bits of lyrium would always remain in his bones and he’d still have episodes of craving lyrium, some of which would prove to be painful.

Just as he thought she would, Enasal returned to his office after dinner, bringing with her a bit of bread and some clear vegetable soup. He picked at it, eating slowly and paying close attention to his stomach.  Just as it began to turn, he put his spoon down and carefully stood from his chair.

“Enasal, I need a favor from you.”

“Of course!” She chirped, “Anything.”

He smiled and unlocked his desk door, pulling out the kit and offering it to her, “I need you to get rid of this… I don’t trust that I can do it myself.”

Enasal tilted her head to the side, taking it from him.  “You want to get rid of it?”

He raised his eyebrows at her, “Of course, Enasal! Why wouldn’t I?”

She shrugged, “You could just remove all the lyrium - keep it so you can remember.”

He shook his head, softly chuckling, “Trust me, I’ll never forget.”

She looked the box over, putting it under her arm. “Okay, I’ll get rid of it now.”

With a smile, Cullen leaned down to kiss her, bracing himself on his desk in fear he’d crumple down to the floor. “Thank you - Andraste truly blessed me when you came into my life.”

She grinned, standing on her toes to kiss him a second time, “Me too. I’ll see you later?”

“Of course, I’ll be here.”

But instead of delivering it to Voldin or chucking it off the battlements and off the cliffs they overhung, she headed to the woodshop going straight to Blackwall.

He smiled as she came up, “Well, it’s good to see you again, Enasal.”  He said, “Was worried you’d disappear forever.  How is the Commander?”

Enasal smiled, “Better - he’s trying to get back to work.”

“Always work with him.” 

She nodded and handed him the box, “I need a favor.”

“And what is this?”

“It’s Cullen’s lyrium kit.” She said, “He wanted me to get rid of it but… I thought you could do something with it.  You know, turn something with bad memories into something nice.”

He chuckled, “Always sunshine with you.”  He nodded, “I’ll think of something - I’ll get it to you as quickly as I can make it.”

“Thank you, Blackwall.”  She said, “I owe you a favor.”

“You don't owe me anything, Enasal.”  He said, “I’m here to serve.”

She waved him away, “I’m asking you this as a friend, not the Inquisitor.”

He chuckled, “And always modest.  You’ll have your memento will be finished soon - I'll send someone when it’s finished.”

She nodded and thanked him again, feeling happy with her decision.

“Sew it onto your heart.”  She whispered to herself. “And keep it with you always.”

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 146

146

Keith had a whole new routine to learn. Anywhere between roughly 4am and 9am, the bathroom was dedicated to sole use by Lance. Coran took all the medical supplies he’d sent Lance to Cuba with, and sent them off with a fresh load. Fresh blood in the morning. Shower. Injection. Food. Blood. Nap. Nap some more if the first nap proved unsatisfactory. Wake up for a few hours. Let Lance clean the apartment. Convince Lance to take a break and watch a movie with him. Then Lance would get up again half way through. Wander around the apartment. Catch his boyfriend trying not to cry. Cuddle said boyfriend as Lance mostly admitted he didn’t know why he was crying. Coax Lance down for cuddles, have a few minutes of cuddles, then Lance would remember he was doing the washing or something that required his attention. More blood. Another injection. Food somewhere in there. Blood. Kosmo’s walk time for the group of them with no arguing allowed. Dinner. Blood bag while cuddling and attempting to rewatch whatever they’d been watching before. Bed. Sex. Clean up. Cuddles. Morning cuddles. He loved the cuddle bit as much as the sex bit... He’d fight anyone who didn’t think Lance was sin on legs.

Keith supposed he couldn’t call it a routine when it spanned two days. Lance insisted that Shiro and Curtis stay. Sometimes Keith had to fight Curtis for Lance’s attention as they’d both get into some show he just couldn’t and the pair would be crying as they finished each other’s sentences over whatever had happened. Shiro was getting better too. His arm still cast, Lance drawing a small bat, that looked like a burrito with a head and legs, when Shiro asked if he wanted to sign it. Keith secretly jealous because it was pretty cute.

Sent out to do food shopping with Shiro, Keith was the first to admit his heart wasn’t in it. Lance was fooling nobody as he sent the pair of them. Yeah, Keith really needed Shiro time and Shiro did only have one arm. Walking into his brother for his third time, Shiro raised an eyebrow at him

“Don’t give me that look”

“Did I give you a look?”

“I know you know that I know you did”

His brother chuckled at him

“Okay, maybe I did. But Lance is safe at home with Curtis”

“I know”

“Then...?”

“Am I doing the right thing?”

Shiro gave him a confused look, Keith sighing before continuing

“I mean. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I am helping him. He lost his mum and I wasn’t there”

“Ah”

“Ah” didn’t give him the answer he was looking for

“That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“No. I mean. I don’t know what to say or do for him either. Krolia wants to see you both. Lance mentioned he’d picked up on her scent”

“I don’t know if waving my living mum in front of his face is the best idea”

“I think trying to protect him is only going to make things worse. You know how he is. He craves normality”

“He’s grieving”

“And we can’t take that pain from him. I know it’s not the happy reunion you planned”

“No. I was supposed to go home to both of them. I feel like I failed Mami”

Hugging him in the middle of the shopping isle, Shiro knew how to make a scene

“You didn’t fail either of them. I heard you crying the night before last. I know you want to help Lance, but I’m worried about you too, kiddo”

He was crying, but not for the reason Shiro thought. Lance had turned on him. Tickling him ruthlessly when he suggested Kosmo sleep on the floor

“I’m doing better than he is”

“I know you’re strong, but Mami... well, she was a hell of a woman. She instantly accepted you. Loved you. Helped you heal and let Krolia in. She was a big part of your life for the time you knew her. I know you’re taking things hard, but you guys don’t have to do it alone. I was relieved that Lance wanted us there”

Keith was shocked. Kind of annoyed, if he was being honest. He’d wanted to spend the few days at the apartment having some private time to talk and plan things

“Oop. I’ve stepped on a mine, haven’t I?”

“No. I mean. Yeah, but no. He stopped asking about Rome. I got kind of drunk in Cuba with Matt, and I know I told him something, but I can’t remember what”

“Matt called to tell me. He said you managed to embarrass him with your love for Lance”

Keith groaned, shoving Shiro off

“I decided it’d be a great time to start getting loud about how good Lance is in bed. I keep forgetting he’s like 18 years older than me. He just... he’s so cute”

“He looks a little older. Not much, but his face is a little thinner”

“Coran says it’s pregnancy related. Lance is... too okay with it. I mean, 27 years he spent looking 18”

“And now I’d say he looks about 21, 22 maybe”

“I know. I know Coran is the best man to be around with everything going on...”

“... but you’re trying to take on too much. We’re clueless with the baby thing”

Yeah. Pretty much. He got all the fun things. Enjoying Lance’s changing body. Belly rubs. Kissing the bump. Lance got the morning sickness and potential complications

“Rieva kind of said the same. I blew up at him for not telling me sooner... hence drinking with Matt”

Slinging his arm over Keith’s shoulder, Shiro used his broken arm so Keith couldn’t brush him off

“You had a human moment. I’m shocked. You let yourself feel... Where’s my brother?”

“Ha ha. Go fuck yourself”

“Aw, don’t be like that. Look. I’m proud of you. You’ve come a long way, and you’ve still got a long way to go. These things, they’re only temporary. Lance might not have any complications at all. And he might. I know you two tend to pull into each other when you’re hurting, but we’re all a team”

“Rieva’s decided we’re part of her pack”

“See. So what’s up? Other than us crashing your sex party”

A couple passing gave them both long stares. Keith could have murdered his brother, Keith pushing the shopping cart forward

“It’s not a sex party. It’s not even about the sex. Which is amazing, thanks for asking. It’s just that we haven’t had a chance to sit down and get things organised. Lance’s already three steps ahead. He’s updated his will. I need to do mine, but I guess I’m wondering what I even have to offer our kids”

“You have you. Your kids aren’t going to remember what they did and didn’t have. They’re going to remember that both their fathers loved them”

“Sometimes I feel like it would have been easier if it wasn’t twins... I feel horrible. I love both of them...”

Keith felt like the worst dad ever for considering it. He felt dirty and unworthy, when Lance was trying his hardest to keep things going smoothly. Shiro chuckling at him kind of stunned him. How could his brother not be taking this seriously?!

“You’ve got cold feet. Look. I can get a copy of your will from work. Coran’s got us both on leave until the first of March, and I’m free of this bad boy. You’ll have time to talk”

Oh... Maybe. He didn’t know how to be a dad. Shiro had learned along the way, but he’d been such an awkward and jaded teen...

Keith sighed. It seemed like they’d never be done with everything they needed to do on top of daily life

“I want to get this organised so it’s one less thing to worry about. Lance is packing himself about going back to Garrison. He needs Pidge and Hunk time, just the three of them. Matt and Rieva are almost always around. I can’t kick them out, even for a few hours. Then there’s the nursery. If we have it upstairs it’s more practical, but then there’s the worry of the stares. When Lance gets bigger, stairs... I don’t like stairs”

“Simple. If stairs are too much, you’ll stay at the apartment until the birth”

“But there’s sharp corners and baby proofing. Everything sharp is going to have to be locked away...”

His brother pulled him close, ruffling his hair

“You’ve got months until then”

Shiro didn’t get it. These were his kids. He’d already started looking up how to baby proof a house and Lance’s house really needed upgrading. June would be there before they knew it

“I want it all organised so we can relax and enjoy what time we have before the twins come”

“We’ll make a weekend of it. See. Problem solved”

A weekend?! This was more than locks on doors and putting the kitchen knives away

“Not “problem solved”, it hasn’t happened yet”

His brother laughed at him

“You’re so serious. Okay. We’ll tackle this like a mission plan. You start making a list of the things you think need to be done. Then, we’ll tackle them on the weekends and weekdays we have free until Lance pops”

That sounded logical. Keith wasn’t sure how to process something so logical

“Do we have enough time? I mean... Coran said he could go into labour early”

“Coran was trying to prepare you so you’d understand if something did happen. He wasn’t trying to freak you out, despite the bang up job he did. No wonder Lance has been so on edge. He doesn’t do well when he feels he’s letting everyone down”

Keith shook his head. Lance was feeling along the same lines he’d spent so many years feeling. The key difference was that they had each other now and Keith knew Lance would gradually settle once he was home again with Blue and the craziness that was their friends group. As Lance would say they needed to take things one step at a time

“He hasn’t let anyone down. He still loves all of us. He’s been trying to hard and he was alone too long. He’s messed up still, over Sendak. Part of me wonders if he thinks losing Mami was some kind of fucked up Karma”

“We both know he’d got PTS. The support system he has changed when he lost his mother. I can’t imagine his pain. Not after all he went through. But I can promise we’ll get it worked out”

Probably in six months time knowing their track record

“That’s dragging you guys in. You haven’t told me how things went with Coran”

“Coran is going to try summoning the demon now that it’s more corporeal. He says there’s a much better chance of banishment”

Keith stomped on Shiro’s foot. How could his brother not tell him. Shiro hopping on the spot, hissing out

“What was that for?!”

“That’s for not telling me. What does Curtis think? Pidge and the others work on this for months. Does Coran really think it’ll help?”

Sure, he’d been preoccupied, but this was massive. And massively awesome news!

“We don’t know yet and Curtis is still deciding. It’s up to him”

Ummm... What was there to decide? If it was safe and Curtis was going to be happier, it was kind of obvious Shiro should be dropping hints

“You’re his boyfriend”

“And he can be as stubborn as your boyfriend when he wants to be”

“So?! If it’s going to help, then he should go for it”

“It’s not that simple. It’d be like taking the vampire out of Lance. Curtis found acceptance as he is now. He’s not quite sure how to cope with the idea of being human again”

Oh. Yeah. Keith got it when Shiro put it like that. Curtis found life hard being forced to tell the truth. All his new friendships since coming to Platt had that key element

“Lance and I will support him. Lance is like best friends forever with him, and Matt, and Matt is far more annoying that Curtis”

“I’ll remember to tell him that”

Oh, Matthew Holt knew exactly what he was doing. He knew he knew and knew Keith knew he knew, and now Keith was getting confused and Matt wasn’t even there to laugh at him for his Matt induced confusion

“He knows. I think he delights in driving me slowly insane”

“He delights in driving everyone slowly insane”

“Except Rieva”

“She’s a perfect match for him. He did well falling for her”

Rieva was amazing. All their friends were amazing... and Rieva was so above Matt’s league

“He did. We wouldn’t have been able to bring down Zarkon and Honerva without her help”

“And she never would have learned about her parents without Lance winning Lotor over”

Ugh. Loturd could go suck a sewer pipe

“I never want to see Lotor again”

“Then I shouldn’t tell you he’s planning on moving to Platt?”

Taken by surprise, Keith managed to crash the cart into the shelving. Shiro cringing as cans fell into the cart

“What?!”

“Lotor is planning on moving to Platt, and helping here”

“He can help by fucking off”

Like he wanted Lotor near Lance, even with this change of heart thing he had going on

“He’s going to manage things in Europe. As much as it sucks, not everything can be dismantled with a click of the fingers now Honerva and Zarkon have been slain. As next in line, he has a lot to clear up. Acxa submitted an application to be join VOLTRON. Zethrid was mad as hell she missed stowing away in your luggage and seeing Lance again”

The what? Zethrid was very clingy... and very interesting in Lance... and him. It was kind of uncomfortable

“She can keep her paws off my boyfriend. They didn’t even help them escape earlier”

Nope. That particular memory didn’t leave Keith salty at all

“Enchanted chains. They couldn’t use magic. Lance probably didn’t know about it, because I didn’t even know about it. Apparently their blood lines are pretty unique, which was why Lotor was drawn to them”

What? Okay, the chains made sense seeing Lance and Lotor were both chained up and unable to break free

“When did you find this out?”

“We were in the same debriefings... How could you forget?!”

Because if it wasn’t to do with Lance, he hadn’t been paying that closer attention. But... like... he seriously didn’t remember hearing about this. Keith groaned at himself. Moving to clean up the mess he’d made in the cart

“I’m hopeless, aren’t I?”

“You were focused on being with Lance”

“Plus my idiot brother got his arm broken. And my idiot brother-in-law got his curse worsened”

“And you busted up your ribs. There was a lot going on”

“I know. I wish I could remember what I told Lance”

Shiro taunted him in a sing-song, instantly getting under Keith’s skin

“Probably how much you love him. And how much you want to kiss him. And marry him”

Ugh... some of that sounded painfully familiar. Huffing at his brother, he had no good retort

“Fuck off. You and Curtis are as bad”

“I can’t deny it. He gets me”

“You’re impossible!”

“And you’re Keith. Nice to meet you”

Letting out a frustrated growl, Keith gave up trying to straighten things up. His brother was impossible. Why did Shiro seem to have some kind of magic that settled something deep inside of him, then in the next instant he wanted to throttle him?! They were shopping for their trip back to Garrison, and he was taking his task seriously as Lance was craving chocolate. They were supposed to get in, get everything, and get out. Not cause a scene, crash a cart, and leave him seriously wondering how bad it would be to leave Shiro lost and wandering the supermarket aisles.

*

Click and collect was a wonderful thing. Lance and Curtis hatching a plan of their own that involved getting the two brothers out of the apartment. Lance knew he’d been up as down. Mostly down. Coran, and Krolia, were coming over for dinner, bringing back his things so he no longer had to use the laptop Coran had given for Cuba. He’d been looped into chat by Keith, but that wasn’t the same. He wanted to catch up on everything ahead of going back to Garrison.

Keith would have had a fit if he knew Lance went out. He was supposed to be resting. He’d done a lot of resting. A lot of letting Keith cuddle him, but now he was at the apartment he couldn’t seem to stop cleaning. The apartment gathered a lot of dust, airing and cleaning. Meal prep. Trying to be patient as Keith questioned what was in his injections. Vitamins. Obviously. He’d stressed everyone out enough, so he’d decided he wanted to make a fancy dinner. He wanted to thank them for being there during his flunk. He also wanted to take Keith to mami’s grave, but finding the right moment hadn’t been easy. Concentrating on feeling better and Keith had to come first.

He’d timed his click and collect to be picked up just after Shiro and Keith left, ordering everything the previous night when Keith was in the shower. He’d sent them for things for dessert, hoping the pair of them would struggle to find everything on the list, and be forced to spend some quality sibling time together.

Half an hour later Lance was back in the apartment. Curtis wore a hat to cover his small horns, but he clearly felt self conscious about them in public. Coran said he might be able to summon the demon out of Curtis and Curtis was struggling hard with that. Lots of cuddles with his friend made them both feel better. Lance wanted things to go well for Curtis so badly he could almost taste it. Curtis deserved so much happiness.

Placing the bags and boxes on the kitchen bench, Curtis’s ban had been lifted from the kitchen. Setting down the slow cooker, Curtis let out of a sigh of relief

“Are you sure you bought enough?”

“Yep. Keith really seemed to like Ropa Vieja in Cuba”

“I’ve never heard of it”

Not enough people had. Lance kind of realising he’d become monotonous with his cooking

“That’s because you hunters have no idea what good food is. He wanted me to teach him how to make it, but I think for tonight I’m going to go ahead and make it, and make sure he still likes it”

“Are you sure I should be making it with you? He won’t be upset?”

Probably. But it wasn’t like he was doing it traditionally, or how his Mami taught him

“Nah. I’ll teach him mami’s recipe over the stove top. Tonight I’m making it a little more mild to suit yours and Shiro’s taste. Are you still blowing up kitchen appliances?”

Curtis groaned

“Sometimes?”

“You can help slice the veggies then. Assuming you’re not going to cut your finger off”

Curtis rolled his eyes as he hip bumped him

“I’m not that bad. It’s Shiro you have to watch out for in the kitchen”

Lance chuckled. Keith had come a long way, but he still had a lot to learn

“I should book the three of you for a master class with Hunk. Hunk is the sunshine of my life, but mess up in the kitchen and he’s ruthless”

“I don’t believe it”

“You should. We had a disagreement over something once and it still haunts me to this day”

*

With the prep work going mostly smoothly, everything was in the slow cooker by the time Keith and Shiro came back. Evidence of Lance’s and Curtis’s little trip out hidden away, as much as it could be. The pair of them catching up on the soap operas that they’d missed, knowing neither of their boyfriends held any interest in them. Letting them in, Shiro had his arms full, Kosmo jumping off the sofa to race over to Keith, with a happy bark. Immediately interested in the bags of shopping Keith was carrying. There was more there than Lance remembered sending them out to buy

“Back!”

Kosmo happily ignored Keith. Trailing after the brothers as they headed into the kitchen. Shiro the first to comment

“Something smells good”

Engrossed in his show, Lance halfheartedly replied

“That’d be dinner”

“You’re making dinner, already?”

“Curtis helped. I don’t know how it’ll turn out”

Keith stood on tiptoe as he dumped the bags he was carrying on the bench

“You’re supposed to be taking it easy”

“I am. You guys picked the wrong time to come home. We’re just about to see who’s Carla’s baby daddy”

Curtis backed him up

“My money’s on Stephan. Lance thinks it Kris”

Shiro sounded bored of it all

“Riiiiight. So you two had a good time?”

Curtis answering his boyfriend

“Yep. We went out for a bit, and now Lance is about to be wrong”

There went the secret. Not that Shiro and Keith wouldn’t have figure it out when he told them what was for dinner. Grabbing the TV remote, Curtis hit pause

“What about you two? I didn’t think Lance had so many things on his list”

Keith mumbled, Lance turning his attention to his boyfriend. Downcast eyes, nervous weight shift...

“We got distracted”

Shocker right there. That was bound to happen when you left Shiro and Keith alone. Now Lance was curious, Shiro laughing as he ruffled Keith’s hair, Keith seeming to shrink back... there was something afoot here

“I think you’ll like the result. Keith, why don’t you take Lance and show him what you found”

“I can show him later”

“You could show him now. Curtis can help me unpack”

Keith grumbled, lifting three bags back off the bench

“I fucking hate you”

“You’ll thank me later. Of you two go”

[kriskebob-blog]

Day 2: In which the real challenge is, can she keep it to one post this time?

Hello again friends. I have buddies who have been writing partners with me over many years, some spanning back to freshman year of high school. Any of them can tell you that I tend to provide a LOT of background information and context when telling a story. If you’ve made it with me this far, you too are now beginning to understand my verbose tendencies. But I’m really going to try to keep Day 2 contained to a single and readable blog post. Let’s see if I can pull it off. 

To my pleasant surprise, I sprang out of bed at my 6am alarm with no problem in spite of going to bed a bit late. I was excited to get this burrito bake thrown together and ready for Sam. Since I had prepped all the components the previous night, it didn’t take much time at all to assemble the burritos. I did have to get out the bullet to crush up some pumpkin seeds, which Dr. G advised me would make for a pleasant crunchy topping. I winced as I hit the pulse button a few times, hoping I wasn’t waking Sam. 

Once more I was assembling wraps. Here’s how they looked before I folded them over: 

Please note I prepped them literally on my stovetop because I HAVE NO COUNTER SPACE. 

Anyhow. They were definitely super full but since they only needed to be gently folded over and then placed seam side down, I got them into the baking dish no problem. Topped them with a few scoops of salsa and the pumpkin seeds and into the oven they went. Once they were out, they also got topped with some avocado. 

Here’s a few pics of the finished product. Please forgive the fact that I know nothing about photography, especially food photography. Like, does the rule of thirds still apply? I’m thinking no...

I proudly told Sam breakfast was ready and we devoured these. And... I have to say... it needed salt! Does this Dr. Gregor guy really know what he’s talking about? I couldn’t help but wonder. Sure, he knows about medicine and nutrition and stuff, but food needs salt, and nutritional yeast is a pretty unconvincing substitute on the palate. Hmmm. I decided I might have to do some further digging on this guy and his philosophy. I’d bought his cookbook pretty impulsively, after all. Don’t get me wrong - there were a lot of tasty things going on in this recipe, but I definitely felt like it needed more seasoning. Even a bit of hot pepper flakes or something would probably have helped distract my mouth from the lack of sodium it’d become so accustomed to. 

Sam went on his way to work and I settled in to relax with some trashy TV for a few hours. I felt like I’d earned it after all my running around yesterday, dang it! (Parents everywhere roll their eyes... I know, I know.) I got hungry around 10:40 and ate a banana and felt like I deserved an award for my healthy choice. When lunchtime rolled around, I didn’t really feel like assembling another wrap and we had a lot of shredded lettuce left over, so I put the chickpea mixture on top of that and had a salad instead. I realize I never actually commented on how the curry chickpea wraps came out last night. They were delicious! The sweetness of the apples and raisins helped distract me from the lack of salt, hah. Honestly a really nice combination of textures and flavors, and easy to make. I’d make it again.. probably with more salt but anywho...

Lunch was over and this was around the time I’d normally indulge in some chocolatey granola. I could feel the craving for chocolate kicking in, hard. Alright. Time to put together these no-bake brownies. This was another recipe that was super simple so long as you had a food processor or some kind of chopper - you literally just pulsed chopped walnuts with a handful of pitted dates, then added in a bunch of cocoa powder, and boom. “Brownies.” Dr. G. advised I use parchment paper to press this rather crumbly mixture into a square baking dish, so that it wouldn’t stick to my fingers as I evened it out. Worked like a charm. I pressed some chopped pecans into the surface, covered the pan in foil, and put it in the fridge. Dr. G. said it would need an hour to set before eating. Sigh. That was a long time to wait when I wanted chocolate now. I settled for some strawberries instead for the time being and began looking at the recipes I’d be cooking that night for dinner.

And thank goodness I did, because there were several things I needed to start prepping early. I would be making zoodles with a cashew cream sauce, which meant I needed to put the raw cashews in water ASAP so they’d have enough time to soak before dinner. Took two seconds, but you can see that you need to really plan out your meals and read the recipes well in advance if you’re going to cook this way. I also would need 1.5 cups of homemade vegetable stock or  water. Okay, I definitely didn’t want water in place of that much stock. I flipped to the vegetable stock recipe. It looked very simple to throw together, but it would need an hour and a half to simmer. I looked at the clock. About 1:20. I could’ve started it then, but I really wanted to get to the library. 

See, I’d done a little research after lunch. I wanted more detail about Dr. G’s nutritional philosophy than this cookbook alone could offer me. Nikki had told me about the book he’d written and I had seen it on Amazon. But I didn’t really want to pay for it, and also I wanted it now. It wasn’t available at my local library, but luckily a quick search of their databases revealed that the next town over had it. 

I drove on over to Tolland Public Library, feeling like an interloper with my Vernon library card, but it didn’t matter. I walked out triumphant and more surprised than I should have been at how huge the book actually was. I got home and got to work on throwing the veggie stock together.

This is before I added parsley and some other seasonings, but you get the idea. Took probably ten minutes tops to throw together. I set it to simmer and settled into my armchair to start reading Dr. G’s book. 

I was hooked. A professional sharing their expert knowledge on the science behind living a longer and healthier life is like catnip to me. I was thoroughly bummed by this part, though: To see what effect an increase in meat consumption might have on disease rates, researchers studied lapsed vegetarians. People who once ate vegetarian diets but then started to eat meat at least once a week experienced a 146 percent increase in odds of heart disease, a 152 percent increase in stroke, a 166 percent increase in diabetes, and a 231 percent increase in odds for weight gain. During the twelve years after the transition from vegetarian to omnivore, meat-eating was associated with a 3.6 year decrease in life expectancy. 

Damn it, Dr. G. You’re telling me I can’t eat a burger even once a week without being way more likely to die a prolonged and terrible death one day?? I hemmed and hawed as I read on. Eventually my stock was ready to take off the burner and cool. The next step was to put it in the blender and liquefy it. It made so much I actually had to do this part in batches. Dr. G. also directs you to take out a small amount and mix in 2 tablespoons of miso, which helps add some sodium but in a healthier way, since soy is good for you or whatever. Awesome. My stock was done. I put that away and went back to reading for a little while. 

Alright, still with me? We’re almost there! Just gotta get through dinner. According to Dr. G’s meal plan, this dinner should contain two parts: a huge salad, and also the zoodles with the cashew cream sauce. I honestly wasn’t sure where to start and decided to make the cashew cream sauce first. It was pretty easy - mostly ingredients I already had on hand at this point, such as the stock, blended lemon, yeast, miso, etc. I just had to chop up half an avocado and toss it in and boom, I had my cashew-cream sauce. The next part of this dish was to spiralize the zucchini and steam it lightly. Once that was done, you would combine it with the cashew sauce and some chopped grape tomatoes in one big pot just long enough to heat it through. “Avocado-cashew alfredo” is what Dr. G called it. He also suggested you sprinkle it with “nutty parm” when it was done. Turns out nutty parm is a big heaping handful of nutritional yeast blended with a few handful of nuts. It does not taste nearly as good as actual parmesan cheese, but you knew that already, didn’t you? 

The salad was pretty simple too. Chop up a bunch of lettuce, mix in some baby spinach, some shredded carrot, more grape tomato, etc. The only part that took any extra work was making the dressing. I was really skeptical of the dressing because it had no oil in it. Just water. As a woman who married into an Italian-American family, the lack of love for EVOO in this book hurts my heart a little. But again, no half-measures! The dressing’s base consisted of water.... and then you add raw garlic, yeast, some almond butter, blended lemon, our old friend miso, fresh parsley, turmeric, the savory spice blend, and “salt free stone-ground mustard”. I don’t know what magical land Dr. Gregor lives in where he can purchase salt-free condiments - I stopped at the health food store on my way back from the library and even their condiments still have some salt. I just used the coarse-ground mustard I already had on hand. Finally, the salad also called for a healthy sprinkling of hemp hearts. 

Here are the finished products:

The verdict? Delicious!! Both dishes! I think it helped that I used normal-people mustard for the dressing, and I also added a healthy sprinkling of red pepper flakes to the zucchini dish while it was heating through. And honestly, apart from having to make the stock and be sure to remember to soak the raw cashews early in the day, this really didn’t take more work than a lot of other veggie-forward dishes I’ve made from omnivore recipe books. Less, even, because I didn’t have to worry about handling or cooking meat safely. 

I warned Sam about 5 times that there was dessert “but not like, a normal dessert. Don’t get too excited. It’s a healthy one.” We each took a tiny brownie square (Dr. G advised cutting the already small pan into 16 “brownies”... hilarious) and munched on it, eyeing one another as our respective brownies crumbled between our fingers. “Well?” I asked. “It tastes healthy,” he nodded. “Ha. Sorry,” I said. “No, it’s not bad. I do actually like it, but it’s kind of hard to eat without an egg to hold it all together,” he told me. I’d have to agree. 

And that’s a wrap on Day 2, guys! Since I didn’t have my lascivious FRIENDS luring me out of my healthy haven with their Cheetos and Harry Potter games (love you Tina :* ) I was able to grab some unsalted peanuts when I got my late night snack craving, and that was that. A day of fully whole-foods, plant-based eating, and it wasn’t that hard at all honestly. See you on the Day 3 post! 

 Gadget rec of the day: A spiralizer! You can get one for like 20 bucks on Amazon and turn vegetables into long ribbons that can almost trick you into thinking you’re eating a tasty bowl of pasta. 

Music rec of the day: “Entropy” by Grimes 

[bornconfused444]

One long fuckin’ survey

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Boyfriend.

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Depends on who I’m around.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Boyfriend.

4. Are you easy to get along with? Sometimes. Like it really depends on how our personalities match or clash.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Yes.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Sweet and quiet people.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I don’t know but I hope so.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Boyfriend.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Depends on who I’m talking about sex with.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? I don’t know.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? I’m too lazy to check.

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

1. Halsey- Coming Down

2. Halsey- Strangers

3. Imagine Dragons- Whatever it Takes

4. Alessia Cara- Wild Things

5. Hedley- Don’t Talk to Strangers.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Only some people like if I know you well or I like you as more than a friend.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Nope.

15. What good thing happened this summer? This summer hasn’t happened yet but I’m hoping to have a job and I know that I’m doing some volunteering this summer for Sunfest too.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? No.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nope.

19. Do you like bubble baths? I don’t like to take any baths to be honest.

20. Do you like your neighbors? Nope they’re a pain in the ass and I now have to go to court with them because they’re drug dealers who think it’s fun to put their neighbors at risk of being shot because they can’t pay their drug debts.

21. What are you bad habits? Overthinking, sleeping too much, cracking my knuckles.

22. Where would you like to travel? Germany or San Francisco.

23. Do you have trust issues? Yes.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Sleeping or eating.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My small boobs.

26. What do you do when you wake up? Check the time.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Darker I’m trying so hard to get a tan but all I’m doing is burning.

28. Who are you most comfortable around? Myself or the cat.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yes.

30. Do you ever want to get married? Nope.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yes I’ve been making sure I grow mine out for summer.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? I don’t know Kaya Scodeario and Nicholas Hoult if he would shave that nasty pedostache he’s got going.

33. Spell your name with your chin. No thanks.

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Sometimes I play soccer with friends or road hockey with friends but nothing like on a team or anything.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yes.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? Awkward silence a gay baby was born.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? I don’t know.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Depend son what I’m going for.

40. What do you want to do after high school? I wanted to go to college and then I couldn’t handle college so now I just want a job.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m tired or angry or sad..

43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Bottom of the ocean.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Food or good weather.

46. What are you paranoid about? Never finding a job place that will hire me. I don’t feel like I’m good enough to do this adulting thing because everyone else can find work so easily and I can’t..

47. Have you ever been high? Yes.

48. Have you ever been drunk? Yes.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Nope.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Pink.

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yes.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My depression. I wish it would go away.

53. Favourite makeup brand? Maybelline. <--

54. Favourite store? Dollar tree because cheapass food.

55. Favourite blog? I don’t have one.

56. Favourite colour? Black.

57. Favourite food? Mashed potatoes.

58. Last thing you ate? I don’t actually remember but I do know that soon I’ll be having burgers.

59. First thing you ate this morning? I don’t remember.

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Yes I don’t remember what exactly but I do know I’ve won a competition.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Suspended for fighting.

62. Been arrested? For what? Nope.

63. Ever been in love? Yes.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? Nothing exciting. Boyfriend kissed me outside of my classroom before I went to class.

65. Are you hungry right now? Yep but I can smell dinner so it’s almost hereeee.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I don’t have Tumblr friends. <--

67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr.

69. Are you watching tv right now? Kind of but I’m more paying attention to this than TV.

70. Names of your bestfriends? Ashley.

71. Craving something? What? Burgers.

72. What colour are your towels? Blue.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Sometimes. Like if I’m sad or something.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? A lot.

75. Favourite animal? Cat.

76. What colour is your underwear? Blue.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? I don’t like ice cream that much.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Black.

80. What colour pants? Black.

81. Favourite tv show? Teen Mom..

82. Favourite movie? I don’t know.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls. Mean Girls 2 sucked ass.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls because I never watched 21 Jump Street.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Regina George.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Nemo duh.

87. First person you talked to today? Roommate.

88. Last person you talked to today? It’s not the end of the day but probably going to be the roommate.

89. Name a person you hate? Donald Trump. <- same.

90. Name a person you love? Boyfriend.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Nope.

92. In a fight with someone? No.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? Two. <--

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Too many to count.

95. Last movie you watched? Whatever this movie is I don’t know the name of it though.

96. Favourite actress? Kaya Scodelario.

97. Favourite actor? Nicholas Hoult.

98. Do you tan a lot? In the summer yes.

99. Have any pets? Yes.

100. How are you feeling? Bored and kind of sick but that’s only because I ate so much. I’m sure in a couple hours I’ll feel better.

101. Do you type fast? Yes.

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yes.

103. Can you spell well? Yes.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Sure.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes.

107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes.

108. What should you be doing? Potentiality getting ready to see the boyfriend in a bit

109. Is something irritating you right now? Yeah If I don’t eat I feel like shit, but if I eat I feel like shit.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Yes.

111. Do you have trust issues? Yes.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I don’t remember.

113. What was your childhood nickname? I don’t know.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes.

115. Do you play the Wii? Nope.

116. Are you listening to music right now? Nope.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yes.

118. Do you like Chinese food? Nope.

119. Favourite book? I don’t know probably the one about London, Ontario being the serial capital city of the world at one point. I don’t remember the name of the book though.

120. Are you afraid of the dark? Nope.

121. Are you mean? Sometimes.

122. Is cheating ever okay? No.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Sometimes.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope.

125. Do you believe in true love? Sure.

126. Are you currently bored? Yes.

127. What makes you happy? Sleep.

128. Would you change your name? Nah.

129. What your zodiac sign? Aries.

130. Do you like subway? Nope it smells gross and turns my stomach.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Nothing because I’m already dating someone.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? I don’t know.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? I’m too lazy to write them on here.

134. Can you count to one million? Yea but I don’t have that ambition nor will I ever have that ambition..

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I don’t know.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed if I’m upset open if I’m in an okay mood.

137. How tall are you? 5′3.″

138. Curly or Straight hair? I have wavy hair.

139. Brunette or Blonde? Blonde.

140. Summer or Winter? Summer.

141. Night or Day? Night.

142. Favourite month? July.

143. Are you a vegetarian? Nope.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark.

145. Tea or Coffee? Coffee.

146. Was today a good day? So far it’s been okay.

147. Mars or Snickers? Mars.

148. What’s your favourite quote? I don’t have one.

149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?  There’s no book near me and I’m not getting up so..

[sairyn-noc]

Weakness

Sequel to The Master Key

Harvey remembers the first time he heard it; caring makes you weak. Jessica told him that. Right before she slipped a collar around his neck and proceeded to fuck him within an inch of consciousness. Harvey woke up sore, marked and bruised in ways he didn't know was possible. In other words, he woke up in utter bliss. From that moment on, he was hers. She knew it; he knew it. Anyone with half a brain should've known it. But as usual they never saw it, never saw anything but the tough as nails woman who scratched and clawed her way to the top. And he, as one of her loyal subjects, would destroy anyone who dared to cross her.

For years, it worked for them. He was her bulldog by day and willingly got down on his knees for her at night. He loved her; a part of him still does. But that was before. Before his ambition waged war with his need to submit. And more importantly, before Mike stumbled into his office and into his life. If Harvey thought caring for Jessica made him weak, nothing prepared him for the weakness that came with falling for Mike. Mike came with a genius mind, piercing blue eyes and a smile that had Harvey willing to risk everything. His job, the firm and more importantly his heart. Needless to say, it put a strain on his relationship with Jessica; not just the one that happened between office hours, but also the one that happened under the cloak of night.

Finish on AO3

Although Harvey never had any problem in his professional life, bending or stretching a truth for a client, lying to his Domme was a whole hell of a lot harder. But what choice did he have? It was the only way to keep both his relationship with Jessica intact (in and out of the firm), and hold on to the man he loved but could never have. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard. The word Mistress had started to feel heavy on Harvey’s tongue; her touch started to feel both right and wrong at the same time, even as he cried out in surrender. And where once he relished the sting of pleasure just on this side of pain, guilt had him craving the pain more, looking for absolution in every mark on his skin. It couldn't go on, not forever. And when the truth finally spilled from his lips, she found a way to both punish and forgive him. Of course, he couldn't walk for a week without feeling all of her marks; those that were hidden beneath his clothing and those that were in more... discreet places. But six months ago, their world came crumbling down around them. Some secrets, it seems couldn't be contained.

It was a crisp evening; the night Hell came to visit and collect its debt for all of Harvey’s sins. Harvey had written his confession and was prepared to walk away from his profession for the good of the company and for Jessica. He felt nothing as he did so, having just watched the man he loved walk out of his office and his life, to the waiting arms of someone else. Harvey didn't think it could get any worse, but fate showed him it could. One moment, Harvey was watching Mike being hauled away to jail and the next he was enduring Jessica’s wrath. Passion and grief, he discovered, made strange bedfellows. They spent hours releasing their aggression's, fears, and inner demons on each other, finding atonement within their dark desires. When morning came, as they laid intertwined beneath ruined sheets, bruised, raw and spent, they began to plan for their next move.

It took everything he had, but Harvey vowed to himself to spend every waking moment getting Mike released. He made more promises and broke several laws (allegedly), until finally, it was done. Mike walked out of Danbury a free man, and straight into the arms of Rachel. Harvey dropped them off and went to the only place his anger and grief would be welcomed- Jessica’s arms. It wasn’t until a few nights later that Jessica walked into Harvey’s office, and told him that she was leaving.  

“You can't. You can't leave.” he pleaded, when she came to see him that night, after Mike’s release.

“Harvey, I am not leaving you. I am just leaving. It's time for me to do something else. And truth be told you need to do something else too. The question remains are you strong enough?”

“Bullshit. This company has been your dream.”

“It isn't my only dream.”

“But what about… What about us? I need…”

“You can't possibly think I would just walk in here, tell you I am leaving and not have thought about you.”

If he could’ve, he would’ve fallen upon his knees and begged her to stay. Harvey had dropped his head, fought the shame that crept along his face. She then walked over to him, reached out and lifted his chin to meet her gaze.

“I made you a promise once. That I would always take care of you. I am not about to go back on that promise now.  I have talked to someone. Someone who could provide you with what you need.”

“You what? What the hell? You just can't hand me over to someone else like property, Jess!” Harvey yelled incensed, backing away from her.

“Harvey, I would never assume to… You always have a choice. You know this. But I also know that you would rather deny this part of you than seek out someone else. I am just doing what I have always done, will always do. Care for you.”

“I thought you said caring made you weak?”

She smiled then. “Yes, I did say that. But I was wrong. Caring doesn't make you weak. Caring is one of the hardest things you can ever do. And it requires more strength than you can imagine. Trust me on this.”

Jessica pulled him in close. One arm finding the nape of his neck, while the other kept him pressed against her chest. Harvey felt the tension leave his body, secure in her embrace. Her warm breath tickled his ear.

“I have to do this, Harvey,” she whispered softly.

“I know,” he answered.

“Promise me something.”

“Anything, Mistress.” Harvey felt her smile against his cheek at the endearment.

“Don't close yourself off forever.”

Harvey stayed silent a moment, before he felt her finger lifting his chin. He raised his eyes to her.

“Promise me,” she said more firmly.

“I promise,” he whispered, trying not to roll his eyes.

She smirked then, hearing the lie within his words.

“I promise to try”, he repeated.

“Good boy.” He could still remember the soft brush of her lips against his cheek.

When she started to pull away, he let her go. She walked away from him with a gentle smile and he silently wondered if it would be the last time he would ever see her again.

After she left, Harvey tried to fight it. The want, the need. He often thought about going to a local club, finding someone, if only for the night. Sure, Jessica had said she reached out to someone, but Harvey had no idea that someone was Mike. That is, not until he showed up a few months later at his door with the key to his collar. She could have found anyone, he fumed while Mike stood silently waiting for answer from him. Why the hell did it have to be Mike?

It wasn't that he didn't like Mike, in fact he did. Too much. Every day, Harvey struggled with his feelings for Mike. He thought it would have gotten easier after all this time, especially since he was marrying Rachel. But instead, it got worse. Seeing the one thing he wanted more than anything, fawn over someone else, was torture. But Harvey was nothing if not resilient and he refused to give into weakness. At least that is what he told himself as Mike calmly explained what he was. It didn't matter. Harvey would not, could not, be that with Mike. And he said as much. Then Mike had handed him the key to his collar, accepting Harvey’s choice. It was at that moment, something changed. He couldn't give a reason why if he tried. All he knows is that he made a different choice. One that led to him being pinned against his own window, while Mike whispered dirty promises of intent with his words and hands. Desires long ignored, roared to life as Mike pressed up against him. Harvey could have said no; should've said no.

But as he opened his mouth intent on safe wording out, he ended up saying something completely different. Yes, before letting go of everything.

Much to Harvey’s surprise, Mike really was all as promised. He wielded power in a way that was both arousing and frightening. Harvey had not known the two could mix. With Jessica, Harvey learned to love the blurred lines between pain and pleasure. But with Mike, every night was a battle. Whether tied to his own bed, or positioned in front of a piece of furniture, Harvey would push every limit, before finally surrendering. Mike wielded multiple instruments that left beautiful marks on Harvey’s body. Oh, and Mike’s mouth. Fuck. Mike’s mouth could kiss him so sweetly one moment, then spill filthy words of desire the next, as he whispered the 146 ways he planned on fucking him. Mike's hands would stroke his cock leisurely, then speed up; keeping Harvey so close to the precipice. Harvey would sob and beg for Mike’s cock, while the scent of sex surrounded them. God, it was intoxicating. And when Mike finally did take him, split Harvey in two with his cock, the sounds of slapping flesh, joined the melody of Harvey’s curses and unintelligible words until Harvey could do nothing else but scream his throat raw when he was granted release. Yes. Mike was indeed a Master.  

Within weeks, Mike became Harvey’s new drug. Better than adrenaline, almost as good as winning a case. After a night with Mike, Harvey, while sore and bruised, would feel light and unstoppable. And like any addiction, soon the occasional dose wasn’t enough. Too many nights Harvey would lay alone in his bed craving Mike. Loving Mike in silence from afar was hard enough, loving him in silence as he surrendered his body to him was another. If Harvey had his way, he would work by Mike’s side by day and sleep in his arms every night. But that isn't the way his luck ran, so he had settled for whatever piece of Mike he could have. And it was fine. He could do this. Besides, Harvey Specter doesn't do emotions. At least that is what he told himself.  But that was a lie. Because when it came to Mike, not only did Harvey Specter absolutely do emotions, he was drowning in them. And therein was the real problem.

Which is why when the past came back to haunt them once again in the way of Anita Gibbs, Harvey knew he had to do something. He would not let her take Mike away. He’d be damned if he lost Mike a second time. Harvey moved heaven and hell to get Mike out of jail once and he would gladly do it again if it meant that Mike got what he wanted. And all Harvey ever wanted was for Mike to be happy. Mike deserved to finally become the man he always dreamed of; successful lawyer, and husband. Nothing else mattered. For weeks Harvey battled. He threatened. Harvey turned one deal into two, and two back to none, as he played his opponents off each other. Despite his best efforts, his goal remained elusive, untouchable. Harvey knew he was not only running out of time, but out of plays. He even went as far as to enlist the help of Rachel, appealing to her desire to do whatever it takes for the man she loves; for the man, they both love (though he keeps that last bit to himself). Still he came up empty; he couldn't come up empty. The firm, the one Jessica left entrusted in his and Louis’ care, was crumbling beneath his feet, and still he couldn’t think of anything else but Mike. Harvey never did like to lose; everyone knows this. So, while Mike made peace with his new future without law, Harvey attempted a Hail Mary.

~~~

Today is the final day of Mike's hearing. The room is crowded, the air thick with tension. Harvey knows this is the moment. He is silently praying for Mike to point the finger at him, despite knowing he won't. Mike would stupidly give up on his own dream to save Harvey, just like he did before. That truth has haunted Harvey more nights than he cares to admit. No matter how often Mike tells him it was his choice, Harvey can't let go of the guilt that came with watching Mike land behind bars and lose everything.

“We both made those choices, Harvey. And I would make them again,” he told him late last night as Harvey begged for punishment on his knees.

His thoughts are interrupted by Anita’s smug voice.

“Mr. Ross. Did anyone at Pearson-Specter-Litt have knowledge you were a fraud?”

It’s nothing more than blackmail; a thinly disguised threat in the form of a question. She knows it, he knows it. Half the room knows it. Harvey is wearing his poker face, the one he wears in every high-stake game. Anita may think she’s holding the best hand in the room. But Harvey has always been a shark at poker. And today is no exception.

“Mr. Ross. Did anyone else know?”

“I knew.” Her voice washes over the room, over him, like a balm. He looks up and briefly catches her gaze. He smiles. Harvey just managed to play the only card he had left- his trump card in the form of his Queen.

Jessica stands there owning the room, like she always has. By the time, she is done telling her story, there is nothing left to do but wait. When the call finally comes, it is the best news any of them could have heard. Harvey is relieved. How can he not be? Mike’s getting his wish, his dream. He watches Mike out of the corner of his eye. It was worth it, he tells himself. Mike never needs to know the cost, no one does. They can't continue the way they have; Harvey has to let him go. Harvey’s thoughts are interrupted by a familiar body pulling him in close. He can't stop the smile that grows across his face as he takes her in.

“Thank you for flying in,” he murmurs.

“Like I had a choice. From all the stories, I was hearing, you were well on your way to having half the state take out a restraining order against you.”

Harvey chuckles softly. “Whatever it takes, right? You taught me that.”

“So, it's my fault?” she counters.

“If the shoe fits… But seriously Jessica, thank you for this.”

She nods slightly. “Of course, besides I made you a promise. And you should know me well enough to know I never break a promise.”

They embrace again and Harvey closes his eyes, relishing the touch of her.

“I’m letting him go,” he whispers. The words falling from his lips unbidden.

She pulls back slightly, a look of surprise gracing her usually stoic features.

“You haven't told him?”

“Told him what?”

“Harvey, how many times have I told you, you can't fool me?” she sighs.

The sounds of rising voices grow around them, stilling their conversation. They share a look before joining the celebration around them. It isn't until later, when Harvey is alone in his office that he hears her signature heels clicking across his floor. She drops into the chair across from him. One look at her, and he can tell she has not let their earlier conversation go.

“So, you haven't told him the truth,” she states emphatically.

“Are we really revisiting this? There’s nothing to tell,” he deflects.

“Bullshit. You’ve been in love with that boy since the moment you met him.”

“Doesn't matter,” he answers bitterly.

“The hell it doesn't.”

“In case you have forgotten since you left, Mike loves Rachel. They are getting married,” he spits, going over to pour himself a drink. “You want one?” he asks.

Her look softens and she shakes her head. “Harvey. Trust me, you need to tell him.”

“Like I said. It doesn't matter.” Harvey takes a sip. The amber liquid feels like fire down his throat.

“You know,” she starts. “I had thought when you took him as your Dom…”

He glares at her. “Don't. It's my decision. Besides. I've got a firm to focus on.”

She nods. Harvey knows he has won this battle.  

“You know,” he says softly. “You were right.”

He watches as one of her eyebrow raises.

“Caring doesn't make you weak. Takes real balls. Because this has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”

“Amen to that. But for what it's worth? I am proud of you, Harvey.”

She rises from the chair and grabs her purse. Harvey walks with her to the door where she pauses.

“You know if you ever need me...”

“I know.”

She leans over and places a chaste kiss on his cheek, carefully wiping off the residual lipstick with her thumb.

“Goodbye, Harvey.”

“Safe travels, Jessica. And thanks again.”

She smiles once more before disappearing down the hall.

Harvey sighs and heads back to his desk. Ten minutes couldn't have passed before he is interrupted yet again.

“Harvey?”

Harvey looks up to see Mike standing in front of him. “I thought you would be off somewhere still celebrating with Rachel.”

“Hmm, well I just felt like I really needed to see you.” Harvey watches as Mike drifts over to his cabinet and pours his own glass before refilling the now empty glass on Harvey’s desk.

“Alright. Since you're here.” Harvey pulls out an envelope from one of the drawers. “Let’s talk about your future. I think it's about time you come home.”

Mike's blue eyes pierce Harvey’s.

“And it's time for you to take the reins,” Mike answers back.

In the end, it really is simple. They never did have any problems bantering back and forth. So, it's no surprise their negotiations go just as easy. They smile, they shake hands. Deal made, Harvey debates having the next conversation. As usual, Mike forces his hand. It happens within seconds. The shift is subtle. One moment Harvey is sharing a drink with the puppy and the next he is in the presence of his Dom. Mike’s demeanor changes, his posture stiffens, his eyes become dark and predatory; even the air that surrounds them grows heavy. Harvey feels desire unfurl in his gut, but the rational part of his brain is reminding him that he can't do this. That he must say no.

Mike puts his glass next to Harvey's on the desk, never breaking eye contact. And when did that become so damn sexy? Harvey wonders to himself.

“I think it's time you and I celebrate. Don't you think? Use up some of this…,” and then Mike pauses, his gaze searing Harvey, his voice low and husky. “...energy,” he finishes.

Harvey shivers involuntarily. Mike smiles when he notices and moves towards him slowly as if he were a predator and Harvey prey. The look on Mike's face is dark and feral and oh, the things Harvey wants to do with this man.

Once again, his rational side of his brain tells him to do the right thing; demands that Harvey stay focused. But the other part of his brain, the one that is screaming yes and more and now, is getting louder, filling his head with sights and sounds of pleasure. Mike is mere inches away and when the hell did it get hot in here, Harvey thinks. But then Mike is touching him, grabbing his tie. Harvey opens his mouth, his safe word on the tip of his tongue, but all that escapes, is a moan that sounds a lot like yes.

Mike yanks Harvey into him and punishes him with a bruising kiss, before ordering him to strip. When Harvey is naked and bent over his own desk, he resolves that he will take this last night with Mike. In a way, it's fitting that they are here in Harvey’s office, the same office that will be Mike’s very soon. But that is the last coherent thought Harvey has, as Mike’s hand connects with his bare ass.

Smack!

“Where are you, Harvey?”

“Here, Sir,” Harvey answers, the bite and the sting bringing him quickly out of his thoughts.

“Maybe you need a reminder of who you are with. Count for me,” Mike hotly whispers as his hand connects with Harvey’s ass once again.

By the time Harvey has gotten to ten, he is a sobbing mess. Sweat is pouring off his skin and through his blurry eyes he can just make out their reflection in his window. The image jars him- he naked and bent over, holding on to the edge of the desk and Mike, fully clothed, with his sleeves rolled up, leaning over him. One of Mike’s hands is holding Harvey in perfect position, the other hidden. They both look debauched and beautiful and suddenly, it's too much. Before Mike can connect with another swing, Harvey closes his eyes, the word slipping softly between his lips.

“Veritas.”

Harvey can feel the air go out of the room. Mike pulls back from Harvey, but doesn't move otherwise.

“Harvey? Are you hurt? What's wrong?”

Harvey opens his eyes, sees the worry on Mike's face and lifts himself up. He briefly thinks of dressing, but knows he would just be delaying the inevitable.

“I can't do this anymore, Mike. It's too hard.” Harvey's voice fades as he tries to make himself continue. It's not the first time he has broken up with someone, but it’s the first time it matters, the first time it hurts like this.

“May I touch you?” Mike asks.

Harvey nods. He feels Mike gently take his wrists, and walk them both over to the couch.

“Does this have anything to do with Jessica being here? I know how hard it must have been to see her.”

“No. This has nothing to do with Jessica. At least not in the way you are thinking.” Harvey turns away, afraid Mike will see the truth.

“Then tell me. What happened?”

Harvey schools his features and turns back to look at Mike, focusing his gaze behind him on the wall. “I just can't do this anymore. Besides, we both knew this day would come. We are going to be working together again and...”

“Wait. What? That’s your reason? Some bullshit excuse about us working together again?” Mike huffs.  “When did we ever stop? I went to jail and we were still working together. So, you're going to have to do better than that.”

“Forget it, Mike, just accept my reason and let's move on. Nothing else will change.”

“Fuck, no. I deserve to know the truth. And this changes everything. And you can't possibly think I'm going to give up you... this...,” he corrects himself, “... without a fight.”

“And what about Rachel?”

“What about Rachel?” Mike counters.

“You think she is going to stand by while her new husband goes off to fuck someone else on a regular basis? You think this is easy for me? You think this is what I want?”

“Well, it must be, since you're so quick to call it over.”

“You don't know shit. Go home, Mike, go home to your fiancé.”

“No. Not until you tell me the truth. Harvey, please!”

“I can't. Let it go.”

Harvey rises off the couch, trying to get some space between him and Mike. He grabs his clothes and quickly begins to dress.

“No!” Mike yells, rising to follow. “I am not leaving until you tell me.”

Mike reaches out and grabs Harvey’s arm, refusing to let it go. It makes Harvey’s blood boil. He turns back to face Mike, his anger now at the tipping point and can't stop the words from spewing freely from his lips.

“What do you want to hear, huh? That I hate when you leave me in the middle of the night? That you're the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to bed? That every time you walk out my door, I feel like you take a part of me with you? Don't you get it? I love you, Mike, and I can't keep sharing you. I won't.”

By the time he is done and realizes he has just confessed to loving Mike, it is too late. He looks at Mike then, notices that his eyes are as wide as saucers, and his face is slack with shock. Shit.

Harvey walks back over and slumps down on the couch, his head falling into his hands. He knows Mike is still there, but he is afraid to look at him or say anything else. Afraid he has permanently damaged their relationship forever.

“Then don't.”

The words are spoken softly, cutting through the silence that had fallen across the room like a suffocating blanket. It takes a moment for Harvey to even realize Mike has spoken, he is so distraught.

“What did you say?” he asks.

Harvey feels the couch dip as Mike sits down next to him. Mike waits until Harvey lifts his head and meets his gaze before repeating his statement.

“I said, then don't share me. I’m yours, I’ve always been yours, Harvey. I thought that you didn't... couldn't. That this…” he waves his hand around aimlessly, “...was all we could have.”

Harvey can't believe what he is hearing, but it doesn't stop him from doubting.

“What about Rachel? You're engaged.”

Mike sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “No, I’m not. At least not anymore. We haven’t gotten around to telling anyone yet, with all that’s been going on.”

“What the hell happened?” Harvey asks, his first instinct to care for Mike, overriding his own pain.

“It's complicated,” Mike nervously laughs, before regaining his composure. Mike catches Harvey’s gaze then quickly looks away. “The short answer is, you shouldn't marry someone when you're in love with someone else.”

Harvey’s skin temperature rises, the air surrounding them thick and heavy with something he can't or doesn't dare name. Each breath is a little harder to take and he knows if he doesn't get himself together, it will grow to a full-blown panic attack. But Mike is not done talking, as usual, his brain supplies.

“If I were being completely honest, the only reason I started dating Rachel is because I thought I could never have you. All of you. The way I have dreamed of; the way I have always wanted.”

The room is starting to sway a bit. Harvey is trying to understand what Mike is saying. Did he hear correctly?

Mike tentatively reaches out and places a finger beneath Harvey’s chin until their gazes match.

“So, can I, Harvey? Can I have you? All of you?”

“What are you saying, Mike?” Harvey whispers, afraid of breaking the spell that seems to have surrounded them.

“I’m saying, I love you. It's always been you.”

Harvey stares at Mike incredulously, while his emotions do a number on the whiskey sloshing around in his gut. Like with everything else he and Mike do, this too becomes easy. He doesn't have to think, doesn't have to wonder. There is only one answer.

“Yes.”