#i watched all of its a sin and i genuinely cant believe the amount of burden that was placed on the poc characters

[vampir-el]

RTD if you put her through the ringer that you put all of your characters of color through i will come to your house and kill you myself

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #3

3. Transformation Central

the entities of my personalities would like to come together in one voice that speaks through me, we or I call this collection of words from the mustiest corners of my brain to this note page to voice something that might come close to what I feel underneath the skin I wear. In all my unorganised words- I might even go as far as to call this a poem, titled:

‘TRANSFORMATION CENTRAL’

sub characters in my head would appreciate if this could be visualised & understood through as deep a lens as humanly possible. even I confuse myself so if you can decode or relate to any of this, wonderful. If not, I’m locked in my own mind, swallowed the keys to my soul.

SIMILARITIES & INTERCONNECTEDNESS BETWEEN HUMAN & PLANT CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST! if you look closely at my nose freckles you’ll see the resemblance of the constellations above. if you look at the human veins & the layout of a tree, this is further proof.

{VISUALS THROUGH A SEPIA WINDOW STARING @ THE AUTUMN LEAFS; IMAGINING THE SEEDS UNDERNEATH, THROUGH NUMB ROOT VESSELS THAT PERMEATE THROUGH EVERY MEMBRANE OF MY EXTERNAL TO INTERNAL ENVIRONMENT}

~FEATURING THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF DEPRESSION & PERFECTIONISM.

here goes:

What is this part of my mind ?

If you want; delve inside-

I may look sweet like Alice,

but underneath it all

I deteste looking in the mirror

-cos I see the mad hatter.

my inner child needs a platter-

full of care not distortion & abuse pls.

less fibbin would’ve been a breeze.

now following the dead fish in the stream!

HOW on EARTH do I fit with the cod & the Haddock?

I’m the rainbow fish- beat & battered.

dim my own light cos I’m too afraid to shine.

alone.

thieves tried to steal my shiny scales.

I sat and watched them grow.

In the sea realm they were mean gargantuan selfish whales, with poisonous shark fangs & alligator tails. scorpion hands. (gremlins)

and still they make me feel like the alien-

I cant take it.

Make it make sense ?

I can’t.

controller in my hand-

Off balance stance.  

anxiously I move round like a wobbly jelly.

where’s the button to balance my chi & shut out the ego ?

the teLLIE telling lies to our vision!

change the channel aura terracotta orange- daily dosage of vitamin D & C.

catch me sun gazing by the sea

head buzzin like a bee.

speaking from a dusty box

stuck on top of a forbidden shelf

cos I dunno how else.

I’m tryna delve deep but forgot how to dive

How can i visualise? scenery foggy-

the establishment man with the glue gun got me xD

inner monk burning but at peace

Cos I refuse to believe

If the only way is the American dream

Interconnected; like the frog in science -let’s dissect it!

down to every floating atom spirit neighbouring your door

subcategories & divisions, it’s more!

than the rich and the poor -prism that’s been built

do we all feel like a performance monkey on stilts?

will my data be extracted & used to mould a robots personality some day?

well obviously not.

does the price of our lives all amount down to slave ways?

LABOUR YAY!

but morals & values it seems we’ve forgot.

sO If i don’t speak its cos I’m lost.

or maybe i’m enlightened-

Standing at the edge of the porch;

watching TRYING to understand how the flowers grow.

questioning eVERYTHING man made!

I’ve stepped out of the perfect picture frame

I can see the coal pollute the sky

I need to hop on the train-

but I’m comfortable

Sunset to sunrise statue standing still.

what’s the ingredients to life’s yucky pie?

I’ve exceeded mental lotteries.

Sanity n universal peace would be a trophy.

TIL then I’ll be crafting & shaping a solid pottery reality,

with a few pence, gum, and a bandana of belongings tied to stick.

thinking one day I’ll be laying the bricks

& building a kingdom of bliss.

guess for now I’ll use the intricate delicate materials in my tool box- that’s all I’ve got.

might have a long way- maybe worth a shot.

I observe, cruisin in the sky.

dunno why..

I jus look @ the hills.

Only time & history reveals.

no thanks mr men-

I don’t want your prescription pills.

there’s enough propaganda as it is.

I won’t jump on the merry go round-

til my core trusts & envisions we’ll actually feel safe!

I don’t want to take part in this faux fur, sweet nothings & a jack in a box punching blur, so called future.

oh and genuinely thanks quarantine-for once again, I can hear bird sounds!

guess this is me tryna speak out loud!!!...

it’s not thrilling

system  time killing everything-

mother nature’s oxygen

everything is nauseating

clock ticking, I better start creating.

they should write a book on how to be free when the system set us up to believe that we’re tied to the cut down trees that gives them a currency of greed that they breed.

If blindfolded, I don’t wanna eat what they feed.

Whilst they profit of us -tell us smile and the bandits don’t wanna see us happy.

they’re too busy robbing all our hoods.

In exchange for the silence, they’ve granted us with a 21’st century fashion garment of a slave muzzle! labelled conform.

More delusion to add to the already desensitised norm.

zootonic diseases, welcome covid 19 to your plastic kiddy tea party!- apologies for questioning your motive!

Been handed too many hot plates with a post it note saying HOLD THIS.

we’ll be okay just hush.

Same Shan message told to every generational seed.

If we don’t TRY overpower-

we’ll never succeed!

it’s getting even more scary.

Artificial intelligence.

Societal negligence..

my canvas isn’t clear-dunno am I schizo ?

finger painting, cos it makes more sense.

struggling to blend.

borderline conspiracist pretending to be fine;

moving the goal post, hovering above the race line.

who made the chalk? who set the lanes?

I wanna know it all, maybe¿ far past insane.

I can fit all I need in the palm of my hand,

Maybe even less! cut a finger off not sure it’ll even add stress.

hi from personality Peter, even sober- always away with the fairies.

Pass the pixie dust, I’m in a rush

Found shelter in the comfort of pan physicists timer, no not the one on your phone!

Ring ring, skeptical! is it my demon or my mommy on the phone?

I’m stuck in the airspace of an infinite glass filled with beach particles trying to form myself standing up still attempting not to slip through the hands of my very own discovery.

time is running out & ill go when I go.

I’m sitting inside the fly trap -

stardust, chakras can you feel the sensation colors like a starburst.

deep emotion is a curse.

still entrapped in the sand dune of nothingness-

flipping a domino monopoly of solidified thoughts as I sway with the wind.

I’m the trapped sandbox in the playground & the slipping sand in my own hands.

Inhale chronic but I wanna enter the quiet realm of white noise

-color of a wife beater vest, calmer than the ease in ignorance of a red neck.

sadomasochistic, messes.

but oblivion, seems like less stress.

Unfortunately I can see, with all eyes

empathetic paralysis, gets me vexed.

Punching truth into the core of your chest!

It’s not funny, neither is the one on the receiving end..

My limbs are numb

& im done playing octopus alchemy.

I want minimalism & life can be simple,

Evil entities have made it hard.

Maybe I’ve got stars above my head like an old cartoon character.

But I can’t make it make sense, are they out to get me. worse all of us? Or have I bottled myself tryna re mesh the broken shards,

I feel glued to the floor cos there’s a pretty price to pay if you want more.

I see life through a different lense, maybe born downside up, Benjamin button I came out the back door-

Outside looking in, digesting confusion.

Is to be a product of environment a sin?

rummage through my messy brain.

personalities sardine packed in this tin

I’m the wizard of my mania

Scaring & attracting the black crows-

they’re my friends.

Sometimes still a cowardly lion

Roaring pain & true riddles at the wrenching wicked witch posse of the west.

will my voice ever be loud enough to shed light wit my words and grate the sweet zest

In to the cake i’m baking?

Probably not.

Got more thoughts than the autumn leaves collected by the garden rake. alone.

gathering & storing the pains of yesterday.

sometimes I stay in line

Other times in my head Im on my hands juggling out of time.

but I really don’t mind if I lose or win.

we all have a pace

I jus don’t want the 1% to win the race.

It’s unfair!

Humanity does anyone care ??

Half lady

half fairy

Good  MOOrning-

from my anagrams.

no I’m not a cow.

twister fidget spinner brain in the flesh-

form of expression this time around lyrics.

feel I’m jus a silly rubix

& still mourning

I don’t like dairy

pass the oat milk.

Are you aware the industry are sabotaging our diets?

we want peace!

the powerful elite-

perceive & deceive

the scene they want us to be.

chuck the narcissistic psychopathic pie back in our face-

every time we almost found & addressed the Programme & Control man in the maze.

evil & extroverted- he said that the anarchists have to be the cause of riots.

working isn’t class. I said let’s switch roles- he said pass.

It’s piss! Who’s got the bomb & the guns?

Who got the land? off wit OUR heads 4 fun!

it’s pure scary.

Pharmaceutics handshake.

with the cooked up suppliers, also crooked wack liars.

I’d rather shot a gallon of bloody blubbery infused slaughter house milk

If it meant we didn’t use cocoons for silk.

why not add a drizzle of bleach to the concoction & maybe that’s a reach.

every time I guzzle fakeness, it taste peak.

I want real fruit, what next-

a seedless peach ???

what’s the difference between a weirdo & a freak?

layers & levels to the shit.

Magnifying tapping the window of society, I’ll be puffing green til I get to the land of Oz.

sponge soaked soaking up emotions

Suffocated by deduction of care in life

feel entrapped in this paradigm

what am I thinking ?

got the verbs & a cuppa tea

It’s mixed with torment & desire to be free.

I’d rather be awake than asleep

When I get too comfy I feel weak

Demons they reap

underneath

rip the seems as I bleed

Concrete

Solid

Emotions

Is all you’re getting

It’s all sad scenes in the imagery I’m setting

people need care we seem to be forgetting

why are we in debt wit

a posse of clowns

pay the price so we can get a frown

here’s some seratonin

quit ya moaning

life is all sound

aw yeh¿  if you’re not an over thinker!

product of environment- Sirius flickers

theyve done a ritual like it’s Wicca

now here’s your gold sticker..

for managing to co operate.

In this world fuelled off of evil n hate

waking ups a bloody disgrace

I am not amazed.

Man I love my fam n my friends

Just hate this part of my brain that feels the need to play pretend

sometimes I feel insane

but I’m calm

need to escape so I don’t do harm

Gold lioness in the sky by the sea

with puff the magic dragon

fire out my mouth, fuel helps me breathe

I will shine bright

Promise imma be alright

even tho I’m not sure why

I function like this

I wanna be myself

It’s just hard to find the comfortability

To feel happy and pretty

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Ring around sing about overdose emotions

Sorry dunno how to communicate

Heads in a constant debate

Should I go or should I stay

My head clashes

Burnin the next ciggy as my thoughts become ashes.

[murdocsmacattack]

how murdocs obsession with mac has evolved and escalated  part 3

hole puncher

this is gonna be long as hellll but worth the read i promise

out of all the cells in all the world..you finally walked into mine

sooo the light of murdocs lif- i mean  mac walks into murdos holding cell for the first time after there last encounter and murmur lights up like a fuc&ing Christmas tree ,the smile is so genuine that the audience can feel murdocs excitement through the screen , so much so that his disappointment when maddy appears just behind him is also evident

murdoc was obviously hoping this would be a one on one chat , his irritation with maddys precedence only reduces when maddy demonstrates she has some teeth and even then murdoc only shows a mild amount of interest in her he "likes her a lot" tho apparently thats not enough to make her as interesting as macgyver , the conversation maddy wants to have with him is in fact , actually interesting , and yet despite maddy being in the room its mac that has his interest and holds it even when maddy is the one actually addressing him and he is the one addressing maddy , its mac that has 99.9% of his focus and attention , to the point that he even looks back and forth between them as if to see how the conversation hes having with maddy is effecting mac ,in fact the former statement at maddy and the way in witch it is said while looking at macgyver makes the statement itself almost seem like some aggressive innuendo directed at him even tho murdoc was addressing maddy , and thats just the start of murdocs fuc&ed up flirting that will follow

exhibit b

murdoc continues with the statement that this visit is "a pleasure" so much so that hes not even bothered they dragged him away from the bold and the beautiful (by the by , the fuck Chanel murdoc be watching cause that shit dont play here anymore ) mac explains there here because murmurs been hired to kill someone , cue murdoc emoji

murdoc gets all giddy thinking hes going on a trip in phoenixes favorite rocket ship , tile mac shuts that shit down and says there going to cosplay instead , murdoc again cracks a genuine smile complete with creepy laugh and proclaims macgyber is simply "delightful" but that thats not enough for murmur to play dress up with him , and instead states suggjestivly that he needs more motivation then the simple challenge set in front of him,to witch i have little doubt that if actually asked what he wanted the answer murdoc would have given would have had something to do with the boy sitting accross from him and a little human wreckage .

all i want to do is be more like me and less like you 

after we get a peek behind the Vail at murdocs humanity and  maddy convinces our friendly neighborhood physio to play doctor- i mean teacher with mac , murdocs habit of whereing his obsession on his sleeve can begin in earnest , mac and murdoc are left to themselves and no sooner does murdoc get mac alone does he start playing with him , macs simple questions are met with playful wit , until murdoc remarks on macs natural innocence in comparison to himself , and that if mac wants to overcome that innocence then macs going to have to succumb to murdoc and let him in

“good boy “

step one to this is apparently a hands on teaching moment, murdoc sends his little duckling out into a trial run with a couple whos daughter was murdered , and oh boy does murdoc looove having this kind of power over our boy , with his eyes on the screen and his mouth in macs ear, his delight at whats unfolding on the screen in front of him is quite clear, his role as the guiding hand to his murder virgin is a new dynamic between them that has murdoc buzzing with excitement and real pride when macgyver does anything right to the point where murdoc dauls out praise filled to the brim with sexual undertones when hes genuinely impressed ,as the meeting continues murdoc again reminds mac that if he wants in to his head he must let his darkness in in turn , but mac still struggles with this leading to failure

sins of the father but not the mother

holy shit was this little tid bit of a seance interesting to dissect , its such a small suddle statement on murdocs part that i dont think even mac caught it nor did murdoc actually fully realize he did it , but its so telling on what murdoc thinks of mac , and despite wanting to be the one to kill him , the feelings murdoc has regarding macs very existence that its a pinical moment despite its shortness , and its made even more interesting because its done completely through statements about macgyvers parents , not macgyver himself , mac storms back into murdocs cell enraged at the knowledge that murdoc kills for the mere pleasure of killing well "sometimes"

murdoc explains he wanted mac to use his failure to learn  the truth on his own so murdoc could then teach him further through his mistakes, fair enough and completely normal teacher behavior , until murdoc tries to make a personal connection between them by telling a story about his daddy eating peanuts witch murdoc is "allergic to" and then proceeds to make a creepy parallel where there the same only on 2 sides of the spectrum , and yet despite the lies it is laced with i truly believe this was an honest attempt to connect on murodcs part ,murdoc explaining that he believed killing was right, was a genuine act of openness , murdoc isnt actually obligated to explain himself in this sanario , but he does so regardless beacues doing so forces macgyver to understand him on a basic level even if he very much dosnt agree with him and dragging mac down to this level , who as a person sees the world in black and white , is a way in witch murdoc can reach him , and murdoc wants to reach him , murdoc lectures about the constant between predator and prey but hes seen first hand that thats not exactly what macgyver is, macgyver is a lamb but with teeth who knows how to use them , its new and something murdos never seen before and it makes him want to understand mac and just as much be understood by him

and again remember that prominent thyme i talked about ? murdoc just cant seem to keep his eyes off mac , tho this time around in this space where its just the 2 of them murdoc seems to want the favor returned , murdoc makes a creepy little head swivel move to try to maintain eye contact with mac when mac looks away  and it only solidifies the above idea for me ,murdoc wanted to look in macs eyes and wanted mac looking at him  the fact that he would want this at all is surprising , eye contact is a pretty straight forward form of body language, murdoc is making it clear he wants macs attention just as much as mac holds his and the act itself holds a strange undertone of intimacy

but this message isnt received mac not only looks away but continues to avoid further eye contact , until murdoc pulls him back in with a simple statement " I know that your sweet mother has passed, and you have my condolences." is all it takes to grab macs attention, it grabbed mine to, mostly becuaes of the statement that followed "But dear old daddy's still alive and well.I wonder what he's doing today.Oh, I think it's his fishing day." its as small and simple as the statement above it , and yet its said with a completely different tone , murdoc holds macgyvers mother in completely different regrades then macgyvers father , and the proof is in the words and tones them selfs , murodc says both as a jab meant to force mac back into the conversation and from what weve seen from murdoc thus far we know hes not one to pass up opportunists to play on sore spots to coax out negative reaction witch in this case seems to be the point

and yet thats exactly what murdoc does ,what is said regarding macs father is mocking and sarcastic murdoc makes a point to remind mac that his father is alive but not here and the words carry an undertone of distaste , however the only thing murdoc has to say in regards to macgyvers mother is, she was sweet , shes gone, you have my condolences, thats it , thats all ! murdoc makes this statement and then moves on and never touch it again , while murdoc was willing to verbally obliterate macs father to dig at him , macs mother is spared this tasteless treatment and what is no doubt sacred ground as far as macs concerned is kept well..sacred , why?

because macgyvers mother is just that ,sacred ground , while its not surprising that murdoc would have such blatant disregard for macs father given his abandonment and what murdoc has gone through to protect his own son ,his positive regard when it comes to macgyvers mother is as i said very telling but simple, macs mother is the reason hes here sitting in front of murdoc , shes the reason murdoc has had the chance to have this person who frustrates and integers him to no end , who makes him feel such passion , in his life ,in a world of choice where anything can happen macgyvers mother made the choice to conceive him , keep him , and then brought him into the world , in her short time on the earth she ensured that mac was born and was the person he was, she gave him to the world and by extension , gave him to murdoc , macs mother ensured his existence and murdoc has such intense feelings regarding macs existence  that that fact alone gains her murdocs respect

when murdocs words about daddy   do in fact cause the intended reaction however all murdoc can do is smile wide and say "thats my boy " ..kinky      

  from murdoc with lies    

macgyver returns fresh from his resent victory to simply give his thanks to his number one fan , murdoc brushes him off and in reply macgyver insinuates that in the short time theyv been together he now knows  and understands him better, murdoc  licks his lips and stacks his claim by saying hes for any outcome that keeps mac alive until murdoc can have his way in regards to him,  but also reminds mac not to get ahead of himself as he shoves a peanut in his mouth  in front of him to prove a point , however he also unintentionally proved another point , even tho murdoc completely lies to pretty much everyone else, he never completely 100% bull shits with mac , he clearly did love how peanuts tasted on his tongue seeing as he STILL eats them .again more honesty . and i believe this had everything to do with the respect mur has for mac

mac goes to leave the room slightly dejected and murdoc simply reminds him hell not let anyone else have him and whats happening between them isnt over, with a fiat smile ,

and there you have it guys look out for part 4 and 5 coming your way :)