#i wasnt supposed to work mornings this semester but im working tomorrow morning... and

[bas-rouge]

My friend mentioned possible PUPPIES on FB and now I need to reach out. OUGH

[berryunho]

Ugh that’s how I felt about neuro. I wanted to take it so badly first year but it didn’t work with my schedule and now it’s offered online and it’s asynchronous which is a win-win!!! Manifesting the same for you <3

I hope it’s gonna work out. I’ve got a lab tmr morning (which i haven’t started the pre lab for yet…. but we don’t talk abt it) so hopefully the coordinator will be there and I can ask in person since it’s more authentic ???

LOL OMG that’s exactly how I feel and as soon as classes as over I’m going home like I don’t want to be there any longer. Although I hung out with someone who lives on res over the weekend and I got to appreciate campus at night which was so nice compared to the normal hustle and bustle during the day. Also it’s been getting cooler here too and while I appreciate it…. it just means that winter is coming and no pls

You’re such a saviour ugh all hail lauren 😭 i started on spectroscopy today and I was able to grasp it so far but we’ll see how long this lasts for LMAOO

RIGHT I feel so bad if I pull that excuse and it’ll prob come back and bite me in ass but yes there aren’t really any other excuses possible

I hope you had a good Monday!

-mightychondria

i find myself wishing i wasnt in such a credit heavy major like literally everyday ... my english major friends have THIRTY CREDITS for their degree and they can spend the other 90 however they want. i have SEVENTY-FOUR major credits and only 46 for fun. AKLDFJLASKJDFKLJ they could basically triple major if they wanted to meanwhile i could hardly fit a minor in if i wanted 😭😭 (... im trying for a korean language minor which... if i study abroad next semester... ill easily fulfill but if not. a minor definitely will not be happening)

shhhhh pre-lab on the day of is fine hehe but !! i hope everything went well!!!???

i swear after classes are done i dont want to do anything 😭 today it was 90/32 again and went i got home from chem lab i immediately took a shower bc i got SO nasty walking between my classes and home and uhghglksdkj its so gross BUT today was supposed to be the last hot day... the high tomorrow is 69/20 ... ill cry tears of joy if i wake up tomorrow and its actually that nice out i swear KFJSLKDJLKSAD omg but yes fr campus at night ... much calmer and so much more relaxing lol there's a silent library near-ish my dorm on like the fifth floor of some building and all the walls are glass and i loooooveeeee studying there at night

but ... ew ... spectroscopy ... not my fave 😭 are you doing H NMR or IR or MS or ... all 3 ... sick if its all 3 at once but that's how i learned so ... KFJ:LDKFJSLKDJ again the offer stands though bc i mostly understand them lol

hehe i had quite a good monday and tuesday and i hope you did as well !! almost half way done w the week !! :]]

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[peridipshit]

EDIT: IDK HOW TO MAKE A READMORE ON MOBILE SORRY FOR A WALL

hey hey guys ive been super inactive and theres a reason for that and that reason finally worked out and i cannot fucking begin to explain how good it is ghjklljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjklhgfhjkl

read more for a super lengthy overshare of angst and ecstasy

i kno w its fuckin long, its not for anybody but myself bc ye i have adhd myself and dont know how to read sh i t and dont expect anybody to have the patience for this

so, if i start at the beginning, ive had, the hardest period of my life starting around fall 2016. ive been in community college for about 4 years now, and i dont want to list all of the things ive done because it wouldnt reflect the mental emotional and physical exhaustion ive put myself through for all of this work. and all this time i thought it would amount to nothing because a lot of what i was supposed to be doing was pushed away out of fear. i filled up my time with a million impressive things that i genuinely loved and enjoyed, but knew it wasnt the actual work to get into the universities i was so desperate for. i pushed,, all my applications to the week or day before the due date. i had to give up three out of seven universities because of the deadline pressures. 

but my main school, the one that i returned to as the ideal place, but a laughable pipe dream, was the one i worked the absolute hardest for

i needed to do two different applications with a total of uh, 8 or 9 essays? the first round of 5ish essays i submitted the day before, and then the second application, i started the week before and completed the essays and storyboard, and hit the submit button 2 minutes before the deadline. i had two winter semester classes (which both kept me under a no-sleep schedule) and i juggled the application work by night. i ended up with like 3 total hours of sleep in that week. i almost gave up like three times but i remember crying after finding this song which coincidentally reflects the acceptance into the university im now somehow attending. it was the moment to myself that i decided i wanted to push through and grow up

the third round where i almost gave up was when my professor couldnt recieve my emails and i had no other way to contact him during the winter. i came to his office the week school started in spring with a deadline of three days to get my letter completed, and he submitted it an hour and a half before the deadline. i spent that weekend convinced i would just take another year at community college and at home and prepare myself more. i cried after checking my phone when i was walking out of Black Panther because he hadnt submitted it with less than two hours left before my application would have been thrown out. he submitted once i got into the car and refreshed the tab

last month i got an interview with the school of my dreams. i looked up the real statistics and they choose 30 transfer applicants for interview and accept 15. that moment was a rush of disbelief and brief sobbing as i realized that maybe im not crazy and not stupid and maybe just doing good things

that was the longest week of my life, but it wasnt a nervous thing at all. i knew i could nail an interview, it just was practicing. i spent each car ride to school talking to myself for 30 minutes. 

i literally could not have done anything as amazingly as i did in that interview without my friend’s help (hey dude), i was literally hearing that skype notification and have never had my heart pound as hard in my life. two seconds thinking about my friends and everything theyve done for me was like, a reminder that ppl care and have my back and istg that power of friendship anime bs is real my dudes and i couldnt ask for better people in my life 

i rocked it like some kind of word virtuoso person and waited a month for a notification

limbo is wierd

i spent so long knowing i was so, close, but not in a place to celebrate

the day i found out was Of Course as wild as it was, where i was having a panic attack out of everything in the morning that accumulated, i was like near crying in class because the prof was kinda yelling at me and i almost lost my project and had to run about a mile in heels to look for it and i was being hit on by a guy twice my age and i had 2 hours of sleep

but????????? i got into ucIa in their theater film and television school, which is harder than any ivy league school. me and 14 other transfer students. 92 total undergrads in that entire film school. ill be nineteen into my junior year. ill be at the heart of the industry going into animation and able to do practically anything. 

a n d i learned that not only my tuition room and board will be covered, but likely a ridiculous amount beyond that too.

i just. got to a point in my life last year that i knew that i was setting myself up for failure and i thought that if i wasnt improving i was failing and so i put so much onto myself in terms of working that i literally had no time for myself. no time for anything leisurely and no time for shows or movies or games or even friends. the only thing i felt like was my escape was cosplay and i still had that shamed by my family for wasting money and time. i of course had many moments and opportunities to do a few things that i regard very fondly, but overall i had no time to genuinely reflect on the damage that everything had caused. it felt like i had no time to cry ultimately, like some kind of hamster wheel of responsibility and fear. im still recovering now, and i want to be better. i want to do my best for myself and everyone around me. and i want to become someone that can be healthy and be myself. and yknow what im pretty damn proud of where im already at right now 

trying hard to keep coherency but i gotta wake up at 5 for an 8am class tomorrow so this is a lil rushed. its probably corny as hecc, but hell i feel just ok for a second and thats nice. i would never have gotten here with the support around me and like, my friends and family have done so much for me and i could write ten of these rambles on each one of you. you care about me and i care about you guys beyond anything these words can express. (*cough*quinn keira kevin cece*cough* not to say everyone else i know hasnt impacted me because gOd so many lives have done so much for me, i just, hey, love yall) 

my life is finally feeling like something big, ive never believed in the destined for greatness thing, ive just felt Capable of greatness and afraid beyond words of wasting it. and i want to be great for me, i want to be great to others, and i want to be great to the big picture. 

just, holy fuck i love you guys so much and thank you 

things are finally looking ok and i would repay you guys back in to the fullest extent of my hearts adoration and appreciation

[welcometothe-black-parade]

I accept your dare - answer all of them

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

I’m not sure. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

yeah sure, I’m 19 it wouldn’t be a big deal unless they were still in high school. christ this ask game has been going around for years i remember answering this when i was 153. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

last friday at a party with my friends4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I do all the time and my friends yell at me to stop but im too polite i can’t help it5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

a lot of my friends are mad at me for talking to someone…6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

not yet today7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

answered!8. How often do you listen to music?

as often as i can9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans def10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

…

(SORRY ILL PUT THE REST UNDER THE CUT LMAO

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

answered!12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

i’m not sure…13. What about ‘R’?

i feel like an awful person I don’t know the name of the last person i kissed!!14. Can you drive a stick shift?

can’t even drive 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

well yeah, mostly i just wanna know what theyre saying so i can shut down any false rumors. people have said some weird shit about me. 16. Are you going out of town soon?

yeah, I’m going back to my hometown for a few days, and then i’m going to alaska. i’m scared.17. When was the last time you cried?

yesterday or the day before, or maybe this morning idk finals are fucking me up and personal shit is happening at the exact same time18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, in a platonic way.19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

no not at all, I have green eyes i’ve won the lottery imo 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

im not sure21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I’m not focusing enough on my work and its stressing me out so much22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

so cute!!23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

no but im rooming with her next semester24. What are you sitting on right now?

an uncomfortable wooden chair25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

yeah, my friends!26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep.27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

it was my buddy @cu-curu-gol at like 4am??? lmao28. Do you get a lot of colds?

no but i get fucktons of allergies and sinus stuff29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

i honestly forget probably gap or some shit its old30. Does anyone hate you?

probably31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

I don’t, im straightedge but my roommate might32. Do you like watching scary movies?

yeah!! my fave is hush but i watched creep the other night with my friends and it was so good33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

2011.35. Did you have a dream last night?

yeah, it was a bad one.36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

I forget honestly37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

not at all38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

answered!39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

probably not.40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

no it was awful actually41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

don’t even have to think no42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

yeah, considering i go to a womans college lmao43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yeah. I don’t think I believe them.44. What’s the best part about school?

everything except finals i love my school 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

many many46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

no we just whisper and make snarky comments 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

all the time48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep.49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

not at all and im very happy for that, but my depression has come back a bit. 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

studying or writing my 3 essays51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

no, but i don’t know what to feel honestly.52. Are you nice to everyone?

I try my best to be.53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah, too many times54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

yes of course, if you can’t last 6 months you don’t deserve to be in a relationship and you’re scum in my eyes tbh55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

sort of???56. Do you think you like someone?

unfortunately 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

i HAVE NO IDEA AND I FEEL SO BAD but she was super drunk and she initiated it so like im not a total shit i promise 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

girls def but gender is fake 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

many of them60. Do you hate anyone?

no, I don’t think so.61. How’s your heart?

not at it’s best. it’s a little fractured atm. 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yes. yes there is. 63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

fucking unfortunately 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

I hope it’s no one, but probably my brother tbh65. Are your toenails painted pink?

no i havent painted my toes in months66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

i hope not!! but it might be, knowing me it almost definitely will be. 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

that makes it sound sadistic, I wouldn’t love it, i would be so sad if my boyfriend cried, probably enough to cry myself, but its definitely preferable to a boy who just bottles up all his emotions and only expresses his negative emotions through anger.68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

I dont think so but honestly i wouldn’t put it past myself69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

a guy named andrew at the bank lmao70. How do you look right now?

shit71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah72. Can you commit to one person?

i want to73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

sort of?74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yes.75. Did you wake up cranky?

yep76. Are you a jealous person?

i wish i wasnt but i can be so awfully jealous and i hate it about myself

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i’ve never been in one but yes i believe they are. just because things end don’t mean it wasn’t worth it.78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not yet79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

my friends tonight hopefully80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

start writing my essays81. Last person you cried in front of?

um, I think it was my friend sarah?82. Is there someone you will never forget?

yes, a lot of people.83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

doubt it84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

just sitting around studying and talking a bit85. Are you over your past?

not quite. 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

sort of88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

i haven’t really had a first true love yet89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

I honestly don’t know if i’d recognize her90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

yep…91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

hah no92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah but we call him magoo93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

yeah i guess96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

…yes…he is….97. Who do you have texts from?

none that are unanswered98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I would tell them to go for it, and try my best to support them but i would be really sad.99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah, the oldest guy i kissed was 21 when i was 18100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

on facebook its a horse named eli101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

not yet102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yeah, i hate and love the feeling.

[clockworkmoose]

mmmmnnnnnyh personal work related fuckery

I function best when I can make repetitive schedules or plan for events far in advance. I’ve got agendas and notebooks and calendars and agendas and notebooks... to the point where if something is sprung on me and I’m not given enough time to properly draft a resolution to modify the plans, take it to the council, put the motion to a vote...

my snap response is to get really testy and panicky and I default to this thirty second breakdown of COOL! GREAT! WHY DON’T WE JUST CANCEL ALL THE PLANS!!! WIPE THE BOARD CLEAN! NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING! TIME IS A CONSTRUCT AND THE FUTURE IS CHAOS! I’M THRIVING!!!!!!! before I can wrestle myself back to “no, we can do this now, this other thing can be moved to tomorrow, it’s no problem, just pencil it in.”

And I know I do this and that it really stresses me out so I really try my best to, first, plan things out properly in advance so I know what’s upcoming and it’s not a surprise, and then, second, also be communicative with people about what events and plans might get tossed at me so that it’s not a total surprise when it’s tossed at me.

So I’m sitting here today, trying to make the schedule for the second half of March for my two employees and myself.

One of my employees has a full time (30+ hours) job, and is a part time student. Last semester, she worked Monday-Wednesday-Friday evenings after her classes, and then Saturdays (10 hours a week). And she liked this schedule, so for an entire semester the schedule was consistent for her, me, and my other part time employee.

This semester, in early January, she informed me she was going to have a late class on Tuesday and Thursday, and requests Wednesdays off. So the first two weeks of January pass with her working Monday-Friday-Saturday (8 hours), and then she comes to me and says she’d like her Saturdays off so she has a day for homework, and can she work Tuesday or Thursday instead of Monday and Friday so she has time for extracurriculars at school?

But here’s the thing. She is in class until 7:45, we close at 9 on Tuesday-Thursday. After driving, she would have a 1 hour shift, and I would have 10 hours. And with the way she arrives to her shift and then immediately launches into stories and she does not shut up even if you rudely tell her you need her to be quiet you’re literally on the phone with a customer and can’t listen to her jabbering on about writing a screenplay (that is already so good hollywood’s going to be salivating to turn it into a blockbuster) about a giant colonial era cotton plantation and also someone gets murdered while her brilliant centuries-ahead-of-her-time self insert that everyone calls “yum yum dog food” makes references to the modern year and takes over running the plantation, but there’s no slaves in this story because she doesn’t want to deal with writing about slavery as it would ““““““put a damper””””” on the story?????......... Rant-ception, sorry.

It takes me so long to tell her what needs doing that I would end up being there almost until 9 anyways trying to disengage from her and get out. And I do not want to. I tell her that’s not going to work. She understands, so she asks if instead I can schedule her only 2 days a week.

So for the next two weeks, I schedule her Friday-Saturday only, and I work a 9 hour day on Wednesdays so that my other part time employee isn’t working Sunday-Thursday every evening in a row. And then she comes back and says that 6 hours? Not enough paycheck. Can she also work Wednesdays? And Fridays?

So. 10 hours. Her original schedule. More than the 8 that was “too much.” I schedule her that for ONE week, anticipating it’s going to be “too much” and SURE ENOUGH yes it is. And she comes back to me asking if I can give her less hours again. Either week days or week ends, but not both. She is officially dubbed wishywashy.

At the same time, my other employee who has thus far not caused me any problems has requested Saturdays off (she has since she began working for me and it’s been fine) and maybe some weekday morning shifts instead of evening shifts so she can spend time with her girlfriend in the evenings. And so far this employee hasn’t caused me any stress or grief and although I don’t really want to work evenings either (I hired both of them for nights and weekends specifically!) I’ve already been working evenings to cover other employee’s too-many-hours-not-enough-hours wishywashyness, so sure, I can work on accommodating that.

So now I’m looking at the schedule for March I’m trying to make. 

I’m obligated to work on Saturdays, that’s part of my position.  And if I give wishywashy employee just weekends, that means I don’t get a day off during the week, I work 6 days straight, and my good employee has to work every single weekday, 4 out of five being evening shifts. And she loses her Sunday shift that she enjoys working. If I give wishywashy employee just week day shifts, she can only work Monday-Wednesday-Friday (which was “too much”), and good employee has to work Sundays, evenings on Tuesday-Thursday, and Saturdays which she would prefer not to work. And either way, this is ringing a little too much like punishing the employee who does a good job to reward the employee that does a bad job, and that doesn’t sit right with me. (Found out from last job the reason I never got the backup help I asked for was that I was too good at my job, and the lazy person who took over my position immediately got backup to make the job easier, so wtf! Uncool!)

So I’m sitting here stressing out over how I’m going to juggle the schedule to appease someone who just CAN’T be appeased and changes her mind every single week about what she wants... and I’m realizing I haven’t had a consistent weekly schedule at any point in January or February. I’ve had to work on what should have been days off and I’ve been working anywhere between 3 and 11 hour days, and right now, working 14 days in a row without a day off.

Which is explaining a lot???

I haven’t been able to properly plan out anything or anticipate my schedule and have just been in a general sense of anxiety for weeks now and did not realize just how much battery power it takes just to be stressed. I haven’t had the social energy to chat with or hang out with with anyone since the holidays because I’ve been dancing around what’s going to work for a part time employee so much I’ve completely neglected what’s going to work for me? I think I’ve logged into discord maybe five times? Haven’t drawn since December, haven’t done fantrolls or RP in as long, and pushed back three of our weekly dnd games just because I wasn’t feeling up to DMing or talking to friends? And was debating just straight up not going to our weekly trivia game because time is a construct and the future is chaos who even cares that trivia has been well established and consistent for almost 2 years, fuck the whole system!!!

And holy shit, now realizing the cause of my general withdrawing from everyone and everything that’s supposed to be stress RELIEVING is a huge relief in of itself? I still don’t have any sort of consistency going in to March, but at least now I know why I am struggling and failing and can properly attribute it to a cause rather than just feeling like I’ve fucked up somewhere and can’t function properly as a human being.

And for the second half of March, I’m going to start scheduling what’s best for me, and if wishywashy can’t handle her shifts, that’s going to be her problem to solve, not mine.

4 more weeks of this though.... fuck me for making the schedule in advance so my employees can plan their lives out in advance rather than throwing it up the day before the week begins lmao!!!!!!!