#i wasnt meaning to make a whole post like this. none of these tags r even relevant to the main text of the post

[orcelito]

Only in Discordant Accord can u read about akechi goro punting Morgana like a football

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

[basicallybing]

Get to Know Me (Tag)

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag some friends.

Thanks for tagging me, @steve-rogers-best-girl​ :)

LAST:

1. drink: water

2. phone call: my dad

3. text message: my dad

4. song you listened to: i think Holding On To You by twenty one pilots

5. time you cried: a couple hours ago

HAVE YOU:

6. dated someone twice: lol joke’s on you i haven’t even dated someone once ha. ha. ha. ugh.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: i haven’t ever kissed someone at all lol what are these questions

8. been cheated on: in a competitive game of pokemon maybe but yall i havent dated what is happening

9. lost someone special: i mean i once had a toxic friend and i super duper got rid of her i guess but like thats it

10. been depressed: never been diagnosed but im pretty sure i’ve had depression since around third grade (but that’s a story for another time)

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: ew???? i’ve never even drank alcohol why am i answering these questions ew

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. white

13. various blues and teals

14. golden yellow

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: yep!

16. fallen out of love: platonically with a toxic-as-heck friend yeah

17. laughed until you cried: absolutely!

18. found out someone was talking about you: yep

19. uhh ya skipped 19 so idk what to put here lol

20. found out who your friends are: yeah

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: sErIoUsLy? *face palm*

GENERAL:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? i dont have a facebook

23. do you have any pets? yep, a doggo!

24. do you want to change your name?  y e s  p l e a s e  ! ! ! ! !

25. what did you do for your last birthday? had some of muh frens over

26. what time do you wake up? for school at like 5:30, but over the summer i’ve been waking up around 9ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? crying

28. name something you can’t wait for: a month ago i would have said Pokemon Go Fest but nope i got my hopes up for that like usual and of course i cant go  uh i cant wait to get a desk finally i dont have a desk *shrug*

29. when was the last time you saw your mom? *shouts down the hall* “hi mom!”

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life? i’d like a whole new wardrobe that magically made me look thinner and happier all the time and that allowed strangers to see me for me and not me for some slouch who wears sweatpants all the time bc i dont have any other clothes that dont cripple me with dysphoria lmao woot woot

31. what are you listening to right now? primarily Regional at Best by twenty one pilots bc its calming for me

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom? actually??? im not sure...?? i’ve definitely talked to a few thomas-es but none of them go by tom *shrug*

33. something that is getting on your nerves: when my mom says we can’t afford to buy me a desk but then she goes out and buys other decor for the house

34. most visited website: probably youtube, netflix, instagram, and tumblr if you include the use of apps

35. any moles? nope

36. any birthmarks? none of which i’m aware

37. childhood dream: not sure. i always wanted to be a superhero like spider-man and whatnot i guess.

38. hair color? brown

39. hair length? short

40. do you have a crush? do fictional characters count? if so, yes -- peter parker, ben wyatt, and chandler bing

41. what do you like about yourself? i’m nice.

42. any piercings? just the basic earlobe piercings, but i never wear anything in them. i’m surprised theyre still open.

43. blood type? crap i need to ask my mom about this. it’s good to know for safety reasons.

44. any nicknames? anything you know me as on here is technically a nickname because i go by my birthname everywhere else... sooo, yeah. chandler is a nickname. i also get addressed as ‘???’ and as ‘Q,’ which is just short for “question marks” bc idk what my name should be but yep i go by chandler for now i guess *shrug*

45. relationship status: jealous

46. zodiac: aries

47. pronouns: they/them are preferable but i never correct people if they use anything else bc i’m just so accustomed to my own confusion

48. favorite tv show: agh i guess Parks and Rec is my number-one, but i also love Friends, The Good Place, Agents of SHIELD, Daredevil, and Legion (which cRaP i need to finish watching)

49. uh yeah i think you skipped this one too

50.  righty or lefty? righty

51. any surgeries? nope

52. ever dye your hair? I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

53. favorite sport? to play? basketball. to watch? football. although if my family was more into hockey i bet i’d love that.

54. hgfdskgfskjfhskjf you skipped this one too

55. dream vacation? honestly, i don’t care where we go as long as it’s somewhere out of the country and i get to travel with my friends in an evan edinger sorta way, you know?

56. favorite pair of sneakers? i mean?? i only have the one... it’s a nike hyperdunk i think? like, an older one? idk theyre comfy 

57. eating: nothing right now...

58. drinking: i mean i have water next to me so like i guess water is my answer

59. about to: hurry the heck up and finish answering these questions lmao

60. you skipped it

61.  ........ 

62. want: to travel and to be happy

63. ever going to get married? if i do, it won’t be a huge ceremony. it won’t be religious. and it will have to be to somebody very, very special to me. 

64. career: i’m a student right now

65. hugs or kisses? if i have to choose, hugs, but please don’t hug me without asking and dont be offended if i say no. i’m really uncomfortable about physical contact.

66.  lips or eyes? eyes 1000000%

67. tall or short? i’m short.

68. older or younger? what’s this question...? im confused and don’t know how to answer it tbh

69. there’s no question here

70. nice arms or nice stomach?  me? neither lol im Ugly

71. sensitive or loud? if you’re close with me, you’re the lucky people who know i’m both

72. hook up or relationship? EW DEFINITELY RELATIONSHIP IM SO ASEXUAL

73. troublemaker or hesitant? this makes it sound like it’s bad to not be a troublemaker. i’m not a troublemaker but its not because im hesitant. it’s because im a good person. and i dont mean to imply that troublemakers arent good people, but im not either of those things...???

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. kissed a stranger?  i  h a v e  n e v e r  k i s s e d  a n y o n e .

75. drank hard liquor?  i  a m  u n d e r a g e .

76. lost glasses or contact lenses? no, but i’ve broken my glasses before

77. turned someone down? unless you include that time that i was asked out as a dare, no.

78. had sex on the first date?  i  h a v e  n e v e r  b e e n  o n  a  d a t e  a n d  i  a m  a s e x u a l .

79. broken someone’s heart? not that i’m aware of

80. had your heart broken? yeah, by that Toxic Person who i mention all the time. it wasnt a romantic thing but i hate that person with a burning passion i cannot even bEGIN to tell you

81. been arrested? no definitely not

82. cried when someone died? in real life? . . . no. no one close to me has died. but i have cried at fictional deaths

83. fallen for a friend? kind of but not really idk its complicated and not worth it

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself? on good days

85. miracles? not unless by “mircales” you mean “coincidences”

86. love at first sight? not for myself, but maybe for someone who is more into looks. and i dont mean that negatively but like thats just not really my kinds thing necessarily.

87. santa claus? well considering i was raised jewish but am currently atheist imma have to say no

88. kissing on the first date? i’ve never been able to experience what kissing or dating is like but if it feels right for someone then i have nothing against it

OTHER: 

90. current best friend names: katie, claire, lizzie (i tag posts with their names when stuff reminds me of them hehe)

91. eye color? brown

92. favorite movie? i loved that new Spider-Man: Homecoming film, but Guardians of the Galaxy has always been one of my go-to movies, so probably GOTG

i tag anyone who wants to do this bc frankly im lazy and dont feel like tagging anyone heh lol