#i was too shy to ever write a letter to lara and ask her about humbert

[devilagent]

i feel insane but despite having bad carpel tunnel (its getting better so i can write more thank god but) someone on a horror fan forum apparently wrote to humbert often and theyre still active. i Erupted (im normal i swear) and joined just to message them about it I HOPE THEYLL REPLY IM SO NERVOUS not many people (other than ds cast probably) are still around that knew him / spoke to him. AUGH

[barcaavengers]

Letting Go || John Ambrose McClaren Imagine|| Part 1

Note: Guess who is back by unpopular demaaaaand!? Me! Here is a little John Ambrose imagine because I find none ?? Changed a couple of things for everything to make sense. Part 2 is on the works already since I had to split the original because I found it too long. As always, opinions and ideas are always welcomed! Hope I did our ray of sunshine some justice. 💗

"Are you absolutely sure you don't want to join the recycling club? I mean, it won't be as good as Belleview but it would do" you shrug as you ask your best friend. Well...your crush at the moment.

"I would love to, but I do need a good reference" John Ambrose said as he walked beside you.

Back story, you were the person to show John Ambrose the school grounds when he moved to the city. Ever since then, you two hang out all the time and the last couple of weeks have been kind of confusing between the two, at least for you. Your hands would brush and your fingers would reach his and you felt him doing the same, he would pick you up at your house to go to meetings and hang out, bring you books and favorite food randomly and help you with your bag, like now. Your bag was draped over his shoulders while his remained one sided. Now you didn't want to give too much thought into it because he has always been the gentleman since day one. It is his nature.

"You are smart, you don't need such good references, your grades speak for themselves" you say as you move in front of him and walk backwards. He chuckles as his gaze drops before looking up at you. "Me, on the other hand, have to work it up even for football or volleyball." You belonged to both teams at some point, currently being volleyball since the football team for girls was full when you decided to switch. You were good on both of them, so you didn't mind it much. More backup and background for college, right?

John Ambrose and you were the same yet different. He was confident, smart, yet kept to himself. You? Confident, smart but extroverted, yet around him you liked to keep that side of you in check unless it was required. You felt that if you were too extroverted he would shy away and you didn't want that. John Ambrose was a great friend and you liked him, but who didn't? He was a prince charming compared to the rest of the guys at the school.

"You will do fine" he assures you and you shrug your shoulders as you sign up on the paper at the desk. As you turn, he is fidgeting with the zipper of his bag.

"You okay, Ambrose?" He'd cringe at first when you called him such, liking better the first and middle name for some reason. Now you, deciding it was too much, rather call him Ambrose when you wanted to tease or just randomly.

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine" he smiles, all white pearl teeth and you can't help but fall for him a bit deeper. "Meet you at the cafe later to study?"

"I thought we'd go to my house. I still have your pile of books, you know?" You mention him.

"Oh, right. Then, I, um…"

"I'll see you after five. Don't be late and don't forget my breadsticks." When he comes to your place he always brings pizza, and now breadsticks after he tried a new pizzeria.

"Sounds good" he says and you go behind him to take your bag off his back and as you do, he turns around and helps you put it on your own. You didn't need the help, he knew you didn't, but he always helped, and his proximity to you when he does makes you nervous. You could feel his breath so close to you...

"Bye" you say and press a kiss to his cheek before storming off.

"These are still the best breadsticks ever" you say as you chew on the last one, legs crossed on your bed while John Ambrose was right beside you, his legs hanging on the edge of the bed.

"Best pizza yet" he says and you both chuckle.

"I am going to miss this during the weekends" you admit. Weekends were the days you'd both spend on your respective community services.

"Me too" he says with a smile and hangs his head as he does and you eye him. Gosh, he was just so dreamy with that hair, that beautiful skin color...that smile...

"I'll miss you too…" You blurt out and feel like taking it back but he looks up at you, something along the lines of confusion crossing his mind. You simply shrug, "I know it's a few days but, I guess I got used to you being around on weekends…" you admit.

"Y/N, is not like we are going to college…"

"Ugh, don't bring that up" you frown. The two of you, and that was a fact, would be going to different colleges. Different interests, different futures, yet...

"I'll be a call away, or a video call away. Your choice" he says and you sigh, he just smiles softly at you.

"Sure. Unless someone catches your eye there and-"

"You do realize Belleview is full of 70 or even 80 year old people, right? That's not going to happen" he says chuckling.

"What about a volunteer?"

"Too short of a time for that. You know I'm not like that…"

"And that's why I like you" you say and your eyes widen at your words and so do his "...like your way of being because you are not like other boys who fall in love with the first girl before them…" you say and add a nervous laugh, and you know he will notice. Every time you get nervous, you would rant.

"Y/N…"

"I think I should clean this up. Yep, let me clean a little" you say and jump from the bed. "Imma go get a trash bag" you say as you step on your flip flops and stumble nervously, a situation that if it wouldn't have been because he placed a hand on your waist and another one catching your hand, you would've tripped.

"Did you mean that?" His voice is almost a whisper, and he was serious. It wasn't the type of tone someone would use if they didn't care about your words.

You let out a huff and shake your head, not meeting his chocolate like hues, it would make you blush even more than you already were. "You know I like you, why else would I be inviting you over" you say as casually as you can master. It was up to him the way he wanted to catch the signal, but it was two ways, either romantically or friendly…

"Yeah, but…" he pauses and you slap yourself mentally and try to mute his next words. So much so that you close your eyes. Nothing good comes after someone says 'yeah, but…' and lets it hang there to create suspense. That was a fact.

After a moment of realizing no words were coming out of him, your body tenses because you feel him move closer, "Y/N, look at me" and that's when you knew, you were screwed. He was close to you, you could feel it, his breath felt so close...

Your eyes open slowly just to find him smiling. "What are you so smiley about?"

"Oh, nothing" he chuckles. "You just look cute when you are anticipating something."

"Pfft, yeah. How do you know I'm anticipating something?"

"Your hand is getting sweaty" he teases and wipes his hand on his jeans, yet not letting go fully of yours. "You closed your eyes and, not to mention, your confidence just left the window."

"My confidence is still here, thanks."

"Oh, really?" He moves closer and your body tenses. "Then why…?"

"For someone who is shy, you do like playing a cat and mouse game, Ambrose."

"Your body is tense."

"My body is trying to find a safe passage away from your teasing" you say with a smirk.

"Okay then" he says and let's go of your hand before he stands up. "I should go. It's late" he says as he gathers his belongings. "I can help you clean, if you want."

The part of 'if you want' was not an option. He always stayed to help and today was no exception. When he leaves, you close the door and lean against his, forehead hitting it a few times before you let go of the door handle and go up to your room.

"So how is Belleview? Your grandma?"

"Oh you know, being herself. She took one of the girls under her wing and it won't be long until she runs off."

"Hm, a girl. Interesting" you weren't even going to hide the slight jealousy that laced those words.

"Yeah…" he drags the word out and you eye him through the screen.

"What's up?" You knew something was up.

"Remember that letter I told you about? From a girl that I used to hang with in middle school?" Your body tense because you remember that oh too well.

The letter was...intense for a young girl. The whole letter situation was a yellow light on your way to confess your crush to John Ambrose a week or two ago. A huge sign of 'Beware' displayed on it when you were handed the envelope. He seemed so happy about the letter that your confidence left your body as soon as you began to read it and how he quickly said he would write back. This girl seemed special, in a way you couldn't tell. Reason enough to think the worst when he mentions the letter and the girl in the same sentence and so hesitantly.

"She is actually volunteering here at Belleview. Can you believe it? After so many years I get to see Lara Jean again" he sounds so excited you can feel your heart tightening.

"Oh, that's...that's great. I'm happy you two got reunited after so long…" you try to sound cool. "Did she mention why she sent that letter after so long?"

"No, she just wants it back. I'll lend it to her but I can't give it to her…"

"Right…You want to hold onto the one letter that reminds you that someone liked you back then" your tone lowers in disappointment, because you cared about him now. You liked him now. Not a few years back like this Lara Jean girl. It was now. Yet he still wanted to hold onto that, as if no other girl would ever like him.

"You know it…Hey, are you okay?" He looks confused as he stares back at you through the screen.

"I'm fine. I will, um, I will call you later, okay? Enjoy Belleview…"

"You are lying to me, what's going on?"

"We can talk about it at school. No rush, okay?" You try to wave it off. "Have fun."

"Y/N, come on."

"Nope. Not doing it" you shake your head. "Gotta go. These plastics won't sort themselves by numbers" and just like that you are quick to press the red button on the screen to bring your lockscreen up, leaving a confused John Ambrose hanging.

Usually you wait for John Ambrose at the staircase at school but today your head was spinning on what to say to him. There was no way he would forget you two have a conversation on hold. You were stacking your books at your locker, your mind running every word and every scenario. You reach to close your locker and when you do, the one and only was standing facing you leaned against the other locker. "Holy shoot, Ambrose! Don't do that!" You shove him playfully as you two start to walk, he is chuckling on the other hand.

"Good reaction though" he says and reaches for your backpack, this time throwing it on one side of his shoulder. "You want to talk outside?"

"Talk about what?" You chew on your lip getting nervous.

"Well, for starters, you hung up on me the other day after I told you about Lara Jean."

"I….The manager was on his way…" improvised excuse.

"You said you were on your break" wrong excuse then.

"I…Battery was running low."

"Your phone has a solar bat-"

"Can we agree I'm bad at coming up with excuses around you?" You say as you glare at him and he chuckles.

"Yeah, let's do that" he says and turns to you. "So?"

How to sugar coat it."Let's just say…" pause. "I am jealous that another girl will take your attention from me" you try to ignore his look. You can see him from the corner of your eye.

"You don't need to worry, you know that right?" He says and once outside he steps in front of you. "You are, like, my best friend. Nothing will change that."

"Sadly…" you mutter.

"What?"

"What?"

"Come on, Y/L/N. Talk to me." You hated when he called you by your last name. It meant he was being serious...

"Its just weird, you know? She writes you a letter after so long, all of a sudden and now she is at Belleview. Like something is up with the constellations and planets that are lining up for the mysterious event to happen" you wave your hands around and he smiles.

"Her sister used to do community service there, I'm guessing she was referred to by her" he shrugs.

"How convenient...And you knew…"

"You are jealous, aren't you?" And at that moment, you wished a hole opened up and swallowed you.

"No" yet you don't scoff, you just look away and lean against a tree. "I just hope that if everything turns out to be the way I see it...she doesn't break your heart."

"What? No, Y/N. Nothing of that-"

"I know you a bit too well and the look you had when you told me she was there I've only seen it two more times. When you read the letter and when you said you sent the letter" he frowns at your words.

"I used to like Lara Jean, yeah, but that doesn't mean-"

"You are basically telling me that you had a crush on this girl who you now know felt the same way and you just saw her yet you didn't feel anything. That's not true…" you sink your hands in your jeans to stop yourself from crossing them over your chest, or he'd know you are mad.

"I can prove it" this should be interesting. "Her and some childhood friends are going to dig a time capsule we hid a while back" you make a face. "You can come along…"

"Sounds childhood friends exclusive only. I don't want to ruin it."

"I don't think they would mind. You'll fit in just right. Please?"

"Sounds like a terrible idea."

"If it goes wrong, I'll do your homework for a whole week."

"Fine" you roll your eyes and he grins.

"I'll send you the address. Now, I'm going to class, see you after?" You only nod and he grins wider, "Bye" and he presses a kiss to your cheek and walks away, leaving you flustered. Bold move.

Lara Jean, or so you guessed, with John Ambrose and another tall guy were before you as you walked awkwardly towards the small group. John Ambrose notices you and grins, excusing himself from the other two before heading your way, "You made it!" He says happily and your body tenses as you see more people joining.

"Aaaaand leaving" you turn on your heel to walk away yet he stops you by reaching for your hand.

"No. No. Come on, it will be fun."

"And awkward."

"I brought pizza, your favorite so you can't say no" he says as he starts pulling you.

"Fine…" you sigh.

"Guys, I'd like you to meet Y/N. Hope you don't mind I dragged her along" he introduces you.

"Hi hi" you wave with a grin at the group.

"This is Lara Jean, you've heard of her. Peter, Gen, Chris and Trevor" he pointed at every single one of them.

"Nice to meet you guys" you say and wave a peace sign in the air. Chris seemed cool, so did Trevor. Peter, you believe you have seen him in lacrosse games before, and Gen...seemed way too serious. Now Lara Jean...she was beautiful, you had to admit it. You could see why John would want to try something with her and that made you feel uncomfortable. "And I'm mostly here for the pizza, at least the last slice."

"Then we will have to fight for it because that's always mine" Peter says and your eyebrows raise teasingly.

"I think I can take you" you snark back with a grin, Peter reciprocates it. You look a bit at Lara Jean and she is looking between the two of you before speaking up.

"Anyway, let's go dig that time capsule."

"I can go ahead and set everything in the tree house, that seems like exclusive from you guys" you shrug.

"Yeah, I wasn't aware we were allowed to bring outsiders. I could've brought some friends" Gen says in a tone that irks you. And you would be lying if you didn't want to say something back. Fortunately though, John Ambrose nudges you.

"Go ahead, we will go up there in a bit" he says and you smile. This time Lara Jean looks between you two strangely.

"Sounds like a plan" you say, ignoring the looks before you climb up the treehouse and you are handed the pizza and the cupcakes which looked delicious. You set it up and pour the drinks in different cups in a small circle.

It wasn't long until the group joined you and they started pulling things out of the metal container that revealed something special for everyone. You spoke with Trevor about Linkin Park for a bit, laughed at John Ambrose's Patriots cap and things got awkward then when Gen said that Lara Jean bought a jersey to impress John.

"If that's true, that's really cute" he says to Lara Jean and she giggles. Peter eyes them and so do you for a moment. You could almost feel his body tensing in a jealous way.

"Anyway, Y/N, tell us about yourself" Chris breaks the awkward silence and you are thankful for it.

"Well, I practice soccer and volleyball. I like to hang out with friends-"

"Mostly just me" John steps in.

"Shut up, Ambrose" you shove him and he chuckles. "I met him when he moved to the school and we have been very good friends ever since" you say with a grin.

"Hey, McClaren, didn't you have a stutter back then? I noticed you don't have it anymore" Peter steps in. Okay?

"Uh, yeah, used to. My teacher would be happy to hear that."

"His stutter was the cutest thing ever. Sometimes there are traces of it still, when he gets nervous" you tease and John playfully glares at you. "What? It's true" you giggle and you can feel Lara Jean's eyes looking at you.

"Only you knew that" he says and you shrug.

"It was worth mentioning" he smiles and shoves you playfully.

Time goes by fast and the group calls it a day. John offers to help Lara Jean clean up and you try to hide your frown which vanishes when Peter steps in.

"I think I can help my girlfriend clean up" Peter says and your eyes widen suddenly and your eyes fall on John Ambrose whose never fading smile is no longer there. Lara Jean looks at John Ambrose and then up at Peter. So Lara Jean didn't mention to John Ambrose that she was with Peter? Wow.

"Perfect, cause Ambrose here and I had some plans" you try to cover up and step besides him. "Come on, let's go" you say with a pleading smile hoping he catches up. You tug on his hand to get him to move.

"Right, I…umm...I'll see you later" he says before he follows you.

"Nice to meet you guys!" You wave as you two walk away.

"So you didn't know?"

"She never mentioned it…" John Ambrose says with a small frown, his eyes looking down.

"Interesting" you nod your head before frowning. "I knew something was up from everything that you told me…"

"I thought...I don't know…"

"Hey, you didn't know. That's okay. It is not your fault, Ambrose. Don't try to blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong…"

"Right…" it's all he says.

"Maybe this is the signal you needed, you know? To let go of the past, get on with your present and future…"

"Maybe…" he says and falls back on his bed. You have gone to his house after the whole awkward scenario.

"You should…" you choose your words carefully, cause you know they will be out of place, and most importantly, not sound too selfish. "You should get rid of that letter, so you don't hold onto some hope…"

"You know what that letter meant for me, Y/N…"

"Yeah but...gosh, do I need to write you one, Ambrose? Because right now I don't know how else to say it" you say as you stand from the bed and he sits up looking confused.

"Say what?"

"You are...so blind sometimes…" you sigh. "You know what, don't make me say it…" you frown. "I know you want to hold onto the one thing that reminds you that someone liked you in middle school, and that's okay…" the next words get past your lips before you can even process them correctly in your head. "but what about who likes you now? Doesn't that have more sentimental value or whatever?"

"Wait, who likes me now-?"

"Oh my God, Ambrose. Me!" You blurt out and your eyes widen just like his. "This is...terrible, terrible timing but I need you to get your head to go past that letter. It will only hold you back…"

"Y/N...I don't know what to say...I-"

"Don't...just...nevermind it...I didn't expect anything to be said" you bite your lip and reach for your keys on his desk. "I'll see you at school, Ambrose." You had to get out of there. Quickly.

"No. Wait, Y/N, come on…" he is quick to stand up and get in between you and the door. "Do you mean that?"

You scoff at the question, "You think I'd blurt something like that and not mean it? I thought you'd take a hint with everything but gosh, you are so naive sometimes" you smirk weakly. "You are basically the only guy that I keep close, invite him over to my house, to go out, I join you and support you on everything and the funniest thing is that at first I did it because it was fun and I liked spending time with you because you are such a great guy and all of a sudden it became more...I don't even know when all of this happened and I'm sorry...I didn't want to ruin our friendship if I said it before…" you admit.

"You would never lose that. Why would you think that?"

"Because you are hung up on her...You look at her in this way and you get so happy talking about her…" you bite the inside of your cheek. You have let on more than you expected and in the most successfully awkward, ranted way possible. You had to-no, you needed to get out before you said more. "I have to go…" and you walk right past him and get into your car before driving off, leaving him behind.