#i was there. In the trenches of destiel going canon

[jenanigans1207]

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to watch the official spn account canonize destiel over on YouTube. Like it’s everything I want but I fear I will lose my mind before we get to the final act.

[ispyspookymansion]

even on main youre tormented by wincest? do you have a secret spn blog

you must be relatively new here it’s definitely not much of a secret but for the sake of silliness youll have to try harder than this if you want to find it!

[andsorrowsend]

I think wwdits fans are some of the whiniest little bitches on the planet lmao you guys suck(not in either of the fun ways)

[thefabledpheasant]

I watched a video of Jensen ackles opinion on the scene in 7x17 where Dean returns Cas’ coat, and he said it was out of character for Dean to have it folded up like that. Which I thought was really interesting because I disagree completely. Dean, as a character, is extremely emotional. He feels a lot and he cares a lot and so much so, that he has to repress so much of it to get through his life.

Whether you ship Destiel or not, Dean obviously cared tremendously about Cas. During Cas’ very brief stint as Emmanuel, Dean tells him: “I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. You know, whatever it was. It might take some time, but... I always could. What Cas did... I just can't - I don't know why.”

While I do interpret this as an indication of his romantic feelings for Castiel, either way, this line is Dean stating very obviously that what happened with Castiel has been weighing very heavily on him and he thinks about it a lot. It also shows just how deeply he cared for Castiel.

The trench coat is the last thing left of this person he cares about. What’s he supposed to do with it? He wouldn’t throw it away. THAT’S out of character. I think it’d be in character for Dean to burn the coat as as a final goodbye, the traditional hunters funeral, but it’s canon that a part of Dean believed Cas would come back. The line is in the promo for the episode and Jensen & Misha even mention it being in the original script. Which means no burning the coat.

Then what is he going to do with it? He wouldn’t just throw it somewhere haphazardly. When you lose someone, you treat whatever is left of them with the love you have for the person that’s gone. That’s grief. So, OF COURSE he folded it nice and neatly. I don’t think it’s out of character at all.

When it comes to the fact that he had the coat with him in a stolen car, that’s when we definitively cross the threshold into romantic territory. I think the place the coat made the most sense, from a platonic perspective, is stored somewhere in either their cabin or Bobby’s house.

Dean had to constantly, purposefully transfer this coat from stolen car to stolen car. The coats only purpose is to remind him of Cas. It’s not like the coat actually does anything. Cas doesn’t NEED the coat, so it’s not like he kept it on him at all times because it’s important that Cas have the coat if he were to come back.

I don’t personally think it is out of character for Dean to do what he did. I think Jensen thinks it’s out of character because he viewed the whole thing as romantic and doesn’t believe Dean is in love with Cas. And while I agree the whole thing feels romantic, I don’t think the act of folding the coat neatly is inherently romantic or out of character. It’s just grief.

[caswilllovedean4ever]

My mom still thinks Dean and cas are best friends (even after the confession) and I gave her a whole list of why they love each other

The comments by everyone ex: I think you have me confused with the other angel you know the one in the dirty trench coat whos in love with you

I reminded her that the empty would only be summed if he experienced a moment of true happiness and it was summed after he said "I love you"

castiel literally rebelled against everything he had ever known for dean

Dean remembered what he wanted to when cas let go in purgatory instead of cas wanting to stay

dean look at cas the same way he looks at pie

Dean is always always always looking at cas' lips

Destiel is canon

The writers confirmed that the confection was romantic and she dosen't care and literally thinks the WRITERS are wrong

(The list goes on but I'm not going to put you through it)

[watching-sam-and-dean-again]

Watching a reactor on YouTube who just got to Season 4: Lazarus Rising, and I’m so annoyed by the amount of comments with people saying things like, "this is when the series REALLY starts" and "Seasons 1-3 were the prologue, now The Story begins" and "I’ve been waiting for you to meet my favorite character!"

First, I will never be able to understand Castiel being someone's legitimate favorite character. I just don’t get it. He starts off as a massive dick, becomes an ally, uses and betrays both brothers a number of times, rarely takes full responsibility for his actions, and ends up as a totally different and neutered version of himself. But this guy is your favorite!? The only reason I think a large number of fans who love him do is because he comes in the gate treating Sam like crap and he becomes a simp for Dean (or they are shippers). Also, if someone is a more casual fan, I can see enjoying Cass because he’s quirky and he mostly stands up for the Winchesters, but if someone is a big fan of the brothers, Cass makes their lives harder a lot of the time. Also, I’m coming to really hate the fact that the dude is always in a trench coat. How am I supposed to take a character seriously who is essentially like an unchanging cartoon character come to life? Anyway, despite how it might sound from my ranting, I actually do think people are allowed to love whatever character they want, but it just doesn’t compute for me personally that it’s Cass as he is on screen (not in someone’s head).

Next, the idea of people calling the first three seasons "The Prologue" to supernatural is offensive to me personally (well, not offensive but it’s dumb as hell). A prologue is used to give some important background that should be known for you to better understand the main story, but it happened before, or doesn’t quite fit into, the main narrative. I’m sorry, but the first three seasons of Supernatural are the foundation that everything builds off of, and maybe I’m splitting hairs here, but it’s not just the set up to the Real Story. The Real Story of Supernatural has always been and will always be "the epic love story of Sam and Dean," not the angel crap. Calling the basis of the whole show the prologue has an implied message that it’s not as important as, or connected to the rest of the story. Again, people are allowed to have their own opinions about what they enjoy in media, but this idea that what came before Season 4 wasn’t as important as the rest of the show is actually bad media literacy, especially when you consider how much retconning and inconsistency later seasons have (*cough* John Winchester, for exapmle). The early seasons are Supernatural at its most pure, and if you don’t like or care about Sam and Dean's story, what are you doing here?

I was going to go on by listing all of the important things that we learn about Sam and Dean's characters and relationship in the first three seasons, but honesty, I’m tired. If you’re reading my post, I’m sure you already know. True fans of the show, even if seasons 1 to 3 aren’t their favorite, know how important these seasons are. Frankly, if someone claims that they don’t matter as much as the later season, then I’m going to assume that they are probably a heller (and I’m probably right), thus their opinions on the show don’t matter.

Speaking of Hellers, they are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of fandom. They descend on your doorstep (YouTube video, blog post, etc), uninvited and unwelcome, to make you uncomfortable by forcing their literature (head-canons and subtext) on you in a vain attempt to make you convert to their twisted version of a cult religion (Destiel). Some get indoctrinated into their cult, others consider them a joke, and yet others are driven to madness by the constant hounding of the hellers. I wish they would just stay in their lane and let people come to their own conclusions about the show and the characters, but they try to gatekeep the fandom experience by jumping on anyone new and telling them how they are the "most popular ship" and that supernatural queerbaits, but Dean and Cass are still totes husbands, and there is some other guy there, too but Sam is just some jerk who isn’t as important as Wuwu Dean and their Little Meow Meow Cass. If somone actually sees and enjoys Destiel on their own, great, good for them; they’ll find the blogs and groups who love it too. Hellers don’t need to try actively recruiting people. It’s all just a numbers gone to them. We have the most fanfic (um, yes, because the show doesn’t deliver what you want), we are the most popular ship (sure, because the other main ship is brothers which squicks some people out, and because you crucify anyone who admits to being a Wincest shipper), and they tell the stupidest lies (the show shifts away from being about the brothers, and focusses more on Dean and Cass' "relationship," and Sam isn’t as important to the story later). I wish they would just stay in their own sandbox and not come pee in everyone else's. Cult like behavior in action.

Okay, deep breaths. I’m grad I got that one off of my chest, but my blog is getting very ranty. I’m going to try make sure my next post is a positive one.

Happy weekend everyone!

[watchyourbuck]

Hey, hi! Hope you don't take this the wrong way but do you think some in the fandom cling to buddie with our teeth and nails because we (me included) survived destiel?

DHFJSNDNSN don’t worry I’m not taking this the wrong way at all. I went (and I guess im still going) to Destiel for soooo long. It was my first important ship. Like important, important.

I think the people who have gone through the trenches in other fandoms are more likely to cling to a couple they see or ship because they don’t get let down easily, yknow? If that makes sense

Even with the horrifying Destiel canonization/bury your gays thing, I still shipped it and genuinely firmly believe(d) that Dean also loved and was in love with Castiel.

However at the same time, I don’t think Buddie is at the point where people are ‘clinging’ to it, because it’s not been destroyed. It’s not like someone’s trying to rip its corpse away from our greedy little hands, and more like we still have yet to come and see. S7 has been such a kick in the stomach (affectionate), and obviously I don’t speak for everyone but personally I was blown away by the fact that they actually made Buck bi, instead of letting the “fanon” (today canon) die with us. Plus, having Oliver on our side has been so good and so refreshing, and so, so telling as well.

With all this I’m just trying to say that s8 is not even being filmed yet, and there’s so many storylines they could do, including Buddie – be platonic or romantic. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but when I ship buddie I don’t think I’m way off base, or insane or delusional (like maybe I would’ve thought a few seasons ago) but I also can’t help it but to enjoy the bucktommy of it all, because seeing Buck happy and free and enjoying himself makes me so happy too.

So, I guess, in a way you could be right, and if we were at the point where it was clear bucktommy (or other Buck inclusive ship) was endgame the way Bathena is, then all us spn veterans (and others) could very well be holding onto something because we love it too much to let it go. But I don’t think we’re there.

I hope this answers your question in a way <3

[campbyler]

I heard you’re reading the pjo books, thoughts on solangelo? (Nico and Will)

also I love u🫶🫶🫶

hi hi hi!! thea only just finished the last olympian yesterday which means she got briefly introduced to will solace and has yet to actually see will and nico interact (but i have been conditioning her to love them in advance don’t worry) HOWEVER i am a seasoned solangelo veteran and have been in the trenches about them since the blood of olympus came out so i am here to say that they will always have a very very very very special place in my heart. percy jackson was my first fandom ever so as a whole it is always going to be extremely special to me !! my best friend at the time of the blood of olympus drop actually made fun of me for shipping a non-canon ship (ha) but dw i got my full revenge when she fell into the destiel rabbit hole a month later and solangelo actually became canon down the line. all this to say that we love them here on this blog !!! thea hasn’t quite gotten there yet but she has loved the first series and is going to start the heroes of olympus very soon 🫡🫡

[roublardise]

tag game - 20 questions for fic writers

YAAAY thank you for the tag @dogearedheart i love talking about my own stuff 💕

i'm unlocking some secret fanfic facts about myself that only two people know about!!

.

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

17 i can't believe it.... only 6 on my spn pseud which is my main one at this point

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

107 433 😳

3. what fandoms do you write for?

i only write for spn rn. the 11 other ao3 fics are from my vld era, and they keep getting kudos it means so much to me.... tho it's not my best works lmao i'm glad it still resonates with some people especially bc i wrote them for trans & autistic teenagers and like, you go ily

now, here's the secret facts: before ao3 and writing fics in english, i wrote many things in french. my main fandoms were Yuri!!! on Ice (i was in the french trenches!!) and Notre-Dame de Paris (the book & musical)

4. top five fics by kudos

i'm done taking the vld fics into account, so it's only spn stats:

You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect

It's new - the shape of your body

The Way Home

amidst ashes and feathers

here come the fallen, here come the failed ones

5. do you respond to comments?

i can't really say i do 😔 i TRY to, and sometimes i DO!! i used to reply to some on ff.net and i loved discussing with readers & other writers, but it's very time consuming and i already don't get much writing time anymore

so i take a while especially to longer comments bc i wanna give it justice? idk. i already struggle a lot with responding to my besties' texts so yeh ao3 comments aren't my priority unfortunately. they do mean everything to me and i screenshot them and read them and reread them and read them again like 😭😭

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmmm i think it's my unfinished french Yuri!!! on Ice fic lmao. the ending is still in the drafts but it's very bittersweet bc the main relationship doesn't like, fall in love together and all. i play with that trope of "i'm not gonna fall in love!! *does anyway*" with an aro character and they will not, in fact, fall in love.

but the other character will with someone else and so it's this change of relationship that can get pretty heartbreaking still, bc something is still ending. well, more like evolving into smth else but a huge part of what they've shared is kinda lost and it's sad (<- fic written by a situationship survivor)

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

amidsts ashes and feathers TO ME!!! The Way Home's pretty happy as well but blablabla they kiss romance whatever, it's an easy answer.

now my Mary's fic is about finding community and she starts to collect every part of herself to be herself and she finally feels welcome somewhere 💕 pretty open ending and it's not much about reconnecting with dean & sam it's about taking steps yipeee

8. do you get hate on fics? i haven't gotten any so far!

not a big enough fanfic writer for this

9. do you write smut?

i've never done it in english.... YET 😏 if/when i drop my bela x meg you'll see. things happen!

i can't really say i've done it in french either tbh bc i never went super explicit but i did write many kinky scenes at this point so it's like. very sensual at least.

10. craziest crossover?

i don't do crossovers

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

not by someone else, but i've translated a few of my own things from french to english!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes!! i wrote a three-chapter thingy with @littlehaize that i think we deleted bc it was 10 years ago LMAO. it was very fun to do!

14. all-time favorite ship?

well...... no one will ever be destiel. however it's a fanfic ask and i do not write them much, so my fondness goes for sapphic ships and ships that are not canon. always been a rarepair girlie (gn)

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

oh for sure my dean & sam portraits. i had actually started a kind of sequel to You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect, that was like, "From the same soil we've grown and yet he doesn't know"

GOOD stuff in there, but it was back in 2021. since then my spn takes have changed so even if i took it back up i'd have to rewrite it from scratch + i'm not super interested in it anymore. i started this at a specific time in my life, and now i'm onto new things, different issues, same themes but different takes!

16. what are your writing strengths?

poetic prose!! it's about creating emotions and imageries.... lots of my fics are character studies for a reason, i just like exploring ideas and that's what i've been doing for the longest time

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

worldbuiling LMAO. do NOT look too closely into my fics' timeline and chronology, i try my best but there's also a point where i stop trying. sometimes everything is vague bc it says smth with the story and/or bc it goes with the genre, but also bc it's vague in my own head

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i did that!! i think sometimes it's a better choice depending what the story is saying, like slipping some foreign language than one character speak and not the other to say smth (show what a character is still too afraid to say / it's hot / etc). in The Way Home i tried to insert actual ASL in some dialogues, and it felt important both for the disabled rights and bc like, bilingual life sometimes you have the right word in one language and not the other (and again, it says smth)

sometimes it's not quite relevant to actually write it down in the language, just mentioning what it is is enough. different choices for different contexts and stories 🤷‍♂️

19. favorite fic you've written?

The Way Home 💖 i love amidst ashes and feathers so much i have to mention it as well. but ultimately i have a fondness for longer stories bc i have very few of them!! The Way Home is a first in that regard, longest finished work of mine. i spent 3 years with this story and it's gonna be forever with me just like the city i left behind when i posted the last chapter :) it means a lot on a personal level

20. tagging: @littlehaize 🫶

[nancylou444]

Wether you like it or not, hes famous and people look up to him.

Lmao. Show me where anyone apart from terminally deluded Hellers think Misha 'I wear the trench coat to go to the shops' Collins is a famous person people look up to.

I'm not in the U.S. either, but I'd be hard pressed to find anyone I'm acquainted with who's ever heard of him.

Damn right, my darling.

The only ones watching Gotham Knights were HIS 'fans'. Most of the 'fans' of the prequel were hellers waiting for destiel to become canon. Most of the 'fans' wanting Wayward were hellers thinking that destiel would become canon on that show.

Nobody outside of SPN knows who the heck he is.

And if they do, it's because he "accidentally" came out as bi then had to come out as straight.

The meme of the confession is a joke, not the flex THEY think it is.

[28confusedthoughts]

OP, what's stopping you from shipping any other ship of any fandom that you don't currently ship? I'm assuming your answer would be that you just don't see it, which is totally valid. And so, believe it or not, some people just don't see cas and dean's relationship as being even remotely romantic.

Not even going into the fact that dean is spoken for in canon, that he would never consider entering into a committed romantic relationship when sam is around.. Even if we take dean's obsession with his brother out of the equation, there's nothing to direct my attention to destiel being a possible pairing to ship.

For one, dean literally has zero chemistry with castiel. Many of the so called destiel moments that hellers claim are sexual tension or whatever between cas and dean are just castiel not understanding the human world and personal boundaries, and Dean being upset about it. SO ROMANTIC (sacrasm).

And then there's the fact that castiel betrayed the brothers. Everyone's so quick to hold the ruby fiasco against sam till the end of times, but when it comes to castiel (who paired up with a demon, kept lying to dean, and unknowingly caused a devastating event that resulted in the deaths of many many people.. sounds familiar?) it's "he had good intentions/ didn't know any better" etc etc and all is forgiven. Well not by me it's not! I never liked castiel's character, but I grew to dislike him more and more after every season. And as a personal principle, I do not ship a character I actively dislike with ANY of the other characters, let alone one of the main characters of the show.

And obviously I can't not mention the off putting behaviour hellers display. They are obnoxious and demanding, they think their ship is the superior ship and anyone who doesn't ship it must be dumb or homophobic. I hope I don't have to tell you how crazy that is and why I wouldn't want to be associated with people like that...

Additionally, I can't stand misha and hate seeing his face on my screen. Wouldn't make sense for me to turn around and ship a pairing half of which is misha's face clad in a trench coat, would it? :)

Non Destiel Shippers, what stops you from shipping them?

What are the reasons you don't ship them? Im just curious, not looking for a fight.

[lulu-zodiac]

key dates in heller history

september 18th 2008: lazarus rising airs, castiel and dean meet for the first time onscreen and literal sparks fly

sometime slightly later in september 2008: misha collins reads a fanfic about cas giving dean a blowjob, an action which will unwittingly change course of fandom history

2008 - 2015 : endless and gratuitous destiel subtext. see: profound bond, "i need you", eye-fucking, "cas, personal space", explicitly romantic plotlines, even more explicitly romantic body language, "the one in the dirty trench coat who's in love with you", and a whole six seasons of wistful, lingering looks

august 17th 2015: misha and jensen win best chemistry for their portrayal of dean and cas at the teen choice awards, cementing the fact that literally no one thinks destiel is platonic

2015 - 2019: destiel subtext intensifies

sometime in 2019: after years of subtly fighting for destiel to go canon, misha collins finally convinces berens to write it into the script

also sometime in 2019: jensen ackles comes out officially as the heller we all knew he was

november 5th 2020: after eleven long seasons of UST, destiel finally goes canon with cas's love confession in 15.18

sometime later in the mess that was november 2020: we discover jensen heller ackles had the entire confession scene taped for his own personal viewing

november 25th 2020: destiel goes canon again, this time in spanish

december 2020 - august 2021: destiel goes canon a few more times in various, unexpected, and increasingly stressful ways, featuring: The Rogue Translator, heller d j qualls, script leaks, online cast panels, and the brazilian dean and cas voice actors

august 9th 2021: misha collins posts a celebratory post about destiel fics hitting 100k on ao3

september 4th 2021: at considerable cost to tumblr's ability to function, misha collins confirms cas's love for dean was reciprocated

[animentality]

I for one think Destiel staying queerbait was much funnier than the alternative option, of it going truly canon.

Can you imagine how obnoxious supernatural fans would've been? And not funny?

Being queerbaited made them funny.

Their suffering was our amusement.

Their anguish was tantamount to high art, in a way that their victory never would've been.

I'm not sadistic or anything, I just know that people who would claim supernatural is responsible for the gay rights movement in America would've just been objectively less humorous and iconic than what actually happened.

Now Destiel will live on in infamy.

As that half gay ship that was kind of canon, in a one sided way, but also was super not, and thus was just queer baiting.

Now turbo gay hell will live here forever.

The heterosexual car went to heaven.

Sam married some lady.

Dean died on a nail.

If destiel had become truly canon, I don't know.

It wouldve been interesting, maybe. I might've shed a tear for 50 years spent in the Destiel trenches only for my conviction and faith to be rewarded like God rewarding Moses.

But I don't know. Cw sucks.

They were never going to give that to you.

It was like a divine tragedy. You know you die in the end, but you still persist anyway. Trying to change your fate.

But in the end, Destiel was never going to become canon. They weren't going to kiss.

And now all that's left is that hollow rage. It'll stew in the good and bad memories and come back to you on the rainy days.

But there's beauty in that too.

Just love would've faded in time.

But love and hate?

They dance in bittersweet eternity.

[charlies-secret-closet]

Straight couples in movies and shows be like ‘I fell in love with you before I even knew you and we’re soulmates even tho we’ve never even had a real conversation’

Like—this lady’s known this dude for 90 minutes and all they’ve done is make out a few times and laugh in the rain but T H E Y’RE IN L O V E, folks.

And then you’ve got Destiel, a GAY ship, still considered non-canon. Destiel, who has 11 fucking seasons worth of material to base their relationship off of.

Straight strangers in movies are considered ‘canon’ cause they kiss a couple times in the rain.

But when Cas gives up his family, his life, his home, an entire garrison of angels, the entire DAMN WORLD for this one human.... it’s called ‘platonic love.’

What THE FUCK.

When Dean tells Cas he NEEDS him, begs him on his knees, AFTER Cas just beat the shit out of him.... when deans voice breaks as he cups Cas’s face in his hands again and again and again.... nah bro, that’s still platonic.

I gave EVERYTHING for you.

I need you.

I love you.

I’m not leaving here without you.

I won’t hurt Dean. (notice: Cas said HURT. not KILL. Cas would never hurt dean, much less kill him.)

I COULD GO ON FOREVER

Let’s not even get started on the implications of a personalized mixtape—full of zeppelin love songs which are the EXACT same songs Dean’s parents fell in love over—

Dean kept Cas’s dirty trench coat, folded up neatly, waiting for Cas to come back after he’d disappeared in that lake.

Cas counted Dean’s absence down to the SECONDS.

I could still go on for hours here folks.

HOURS AND HOURS of reasons for why Destiel is a love story....

Hell, I’ve spent months with @jupiticas writing a fic about those reasons. 96k words. A SHIT TON of canon events included.

(check the link HERE for the fic, we’d both mightily appreciate it ♥️♥️)

So to conclude—I’m so damn sick of people accepting canon-status of some basic-ass straight couple with no chemistry, history or layers.... but just cause they kissed a couple times, OH YEAH. THEY’RE IN LOVE.

I’m so sick of it. I could legit go on forever.

Destiel is canon. And it has been for a long time.

[lateral-org]

eileen’s treatment is still pissing me off. she was such a lovely and respectfully written character. it was amazing to see a recurring character with disabilities on supernatural at all, let alone one who set clear boundaries and repeatedly reminded us she had her own agency. not to mention how nice it was to see sam finally able to be in a healthy relationship.

cas i expected. i was pretty sure that cas was going to get shafted in the finale. he’s always gotten the short end of the stick on the show, it’s just par for the course at this point. 

but eileen. now that hurt something awful. 

i never expected that i would get straightbaited by supernatural. 

she and sam were canonically in a relationship, i thought. she was a capable hunter, i thought. her disappearance was a major deal in 15x18, i thought.  

i don’t have words for how angry and confused i am about eileen. it doesn’t help that with all of the destiel stuff going around (and rightly so) she gets swept under the rug. sure, she doesn’t have the history cas did, but damn. 

i don’t know if i believe there’s a version of the script where dean and cas get together (the trench in the trunk had some implications tho) I do 100% believe that the original finale had sam and eileen’s reunion. even if dean still died, even with the reunion in heaven, they were a cis, heterosexual couple. i never expected a female love interest to get written out of a dudebro-married-with-kids finale like that. 

you can call me crazy for believing the editing in 15x18 is shady. you can call me crazy for calling castiel a lamp. i will even accept the lunacy of analyzing the content of montages and teaser trailers to look for clues of some secret ending. 

but eileen? really? 

covid isn’t an excuse to write out the primary love interest of a lead that has been carefully set up since the start of the season. hell, she and sam had videochatted before in canon! if covid was the issue, just have her skype in! At the very least we could have gotten her photoshopped into the family photos at the end. 

if you watched season 15 and you thought that the finale we got was justified, i don’t know what to tell you. 

eileen leahy deserves better. 

[interrogatethecat]

so it goes

word count: 2.5k

for the day twelve @destielmonth prompt, time travel. tag list is under the cut, read the rest on ao3!

Listen:

Dean Winchester has come unstuck in time.

Dean has gone to sleep on an unforgiving dungeon floor at forty and woken up in the backseat of the Impala at twenty-two. He’s walked through a door in 2020 and come out through another one in 2008. He has gone back through the same door to find himself in 2018. He has seen his birth and deaths again and again. He pays random visits to the events in between.

Dean is spastic in time, has no control over where he’s going next. Sometimes he’s in the present, wearing a jacket with a brand that burns into his shoulder; he’s in a motel room, telling Sam to head outside and listen to some music as his dad stumbles in with a bottle in hand; laying in his bed back in Lawrence as his mother whispers angels are watching over you. Sometimes he’s a teenager rock hard in lace panties, looking up at Rhonda Hurley; or sitting in the Deancave with Jack while they watch Scooby Doo. Dean is everywhere and nowhere, adrift in time’s current.

This time, the world fades out while he’s in a motel room. He’s going through the motions, working some case because that’s what he does when the world keeps spinning, and then he’s not. He’s standing in Sioux Falls, South Dakota in Bobby Singer’s kitchen, three hundred miles and several years away from where he was a moment before.

It’s dark and empty. The silhouettes of books and empty beer bottles are thrown haphazardly around the room. It’s just how Dean remembers it. He can even hear Bobby’s muffled snoring from upstairs.

He doesn’t remember this memory, though. Maybe because he’s spent so many nights in Bobby’s kitchen while the rest of the house sleeps.

Dean wanders through the living room, careful to avoid the teetering stacks of books and papers scattered around and the creaky floorboards he knows by heart, even now.

He finds himself on the front porch a few minutes later, sitting on the steps and looking up.

He doesn’t know how long passes, how long he sits there, lost in his thoughts before there’s a flap of wings.

Dean stills. He hasn’t heard that since—

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says.

Dean stands suddenly and whirls around. He forgets how to breathe. In all his slipping through time, this is the first he’s seen Cas since it happened. Images of inky black tendrils and a radiant smile fill his head, but Dean barely notices them. He only has eyes for what’s in front of him.

“Cas,” he breathes.

And it’s him. It is him, with the trench coat that hangs off his frame and the tie he’s never figured out how to tie. Dark hair that won’t lie flat and blue eyes that make Dean’s heart stutter.

Cas— his vessel, at least— is younger now. He doesn’t have the crows eyes that Dean’s memorized. This Cas hasn’t learned how to smile and laugh and be human yet.

But it’s still Cas. It’s still his Cas.

“You’re not Dean Winchester,” Cas says, frowning. “Not the Dean Winchester I know.”

Dean rubs at his eyes (when did he start crying?) and shakes his head.

Cas steps closer. “You’re upset,” he notices. He tilts his head, and god, Dean misses this, he misses all of this.

“Cas,” he says, and then all of a sudden, the world falls away and he’s back in the motel room.

Cas is gone again. So it goes.

“No,” Dean pleads. “Nononono— Cas! Castiel!”

His begging does nothing. He’s back to where he is, not where he was.

Listen:

Dean Winchester has come unstuck in time, but he feels even more stuck now than he ever has, falling to his knees in a dime a dozen motel room, years away from the one place he knows as home.

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