#i was telling my friend that I had some lc thoughts lately which they asked and I responded like a day after (distracted by yuri sorry)

[lobpoints]

some boring lc thoughts in dm with friend ig

Click ALT if you can't read the text

[howggswouldreact]

📚 Well-Intentioned Secrets | Gahyeon

Request: part 2 of Well-Intentioned Lies, requested by @allmonstersarehuman-lc​. here is the request.

this scenario can be read independently.

Plot: Reader walks Gahyeon to her dorm every night after her late class, saying that their dorm is right there close to hers. Reader is lying and Gahyeon knows it. But what Reader doesn’t know is... Gahyeon has a secret.

Words: 2,954

Genre: fluff, college!au

Notes: as i said that i almost made a chapter 2 for this one, i ended up doing it! enjoy your reading!  ♥

Part I

Waiting for time to pass faster inside that classroom had become commonplace for Gahyeon. She loved to study, she really wanted to learn more and she always revised the subjects when she could, it was like a hobby for her because it was fun and she liked doing it. But everything changed after she met you.

Now, Gahyeon played with the pen between her fingers, looking at the movements of the hands of the clock just above the whiteboard on the wall a few meters from where she was sitting. She was anxious.

She wanted to see you.

Gahyeon knew you were already outside, waiting for her. And Gahyeon knew that even though you said you also had classes in the afternoon, it was a lie. Which made her even more anxious. And tense. It all made her wonder: why did you cross the entire campus to take her to her dorm?

She thought about the first time she saw you.

She was in the cafeteria next to the auditorium, after attending a lecture - very boring, by the way - to keep her friend, Minji, company. She had promised that if Gahyeon went with her, she would pay whatever she wanted at the cafeteria. And Gahyeon actually made Minji open her wallet.

Minji would have regretted it, but if it weren't for Gahyeon making a joke about the photo on the screen, Siyeon wouldn't have laughed and approached to talk. At first, Minji thought Siyeon was interested in Gahyeon, but Siyeon had asked for her phone number. Gahyeon smirked at her, followed by the sentence:

"If it works, you owe me another princess day at the cafeteria."

Gahyeon did not expect that, when entering the cafeteria, her eyes would find you.

The glass windows let the sun's rays through easily and Gahyeon realized that her beauty easily matched that natural light. While ordering - a strawberry pie and a cappuccino for her, strawberry pie and juice for Minji - she turned to watch you.

"Did you miss something back there?"

Gahyeon was startled, surprised by Minji's voice in her ear.

"No, I just...", the sentence died when, on the counter, her name was called.

She and Minji took their orders and sat down a little farther.

"You won't run away from me, young lady.", Minji said, smiling as she took the stainless steel straw out of the bag and put it in her juice glass. "What were you looking at over there?"

Gahyeon sighed and played with her cappuccino, heating her fingertips around the glass. One last look at you and your profile made her heart stop a few beats.

"See there, at the third table to the left of the door?", she said in a whisper, hoping that Minji would be discreet.

Minji looked at the ceiling while drinking the juice, her eyes roaming from the ceiling to the door and then counting 1... 2... 3!

"Hmmm. I found it.", she turned to Gahyeon again. "What's up?"

"On the left, facing here. They are beautiful."

Minji smirked and took a bite out of the pie.

"I know them.”, she replied, chewing.

"What???", Gahyeon's eyes widened.

"If you want to know their name, you must buy me juice the next time we come here."

Gahyeon was incredulous at Minji's words, but knowing your name would make her know something about you, something beyond your beauty.

"Deal.", she said, raising her hand and Minji shook their hands tightly.

"Their name is Y/N, we have the same classes."

"My God, how lucky you are!", groaned Gahyeon. "I think if I had classes with them, my grades would be terrible."

Minji laughed.

"If it works, you owe me one more juice."

She thought about when the two of you met.

It was a Thursday night, she was alone and was returning from the library with her backpack full and her arms carrying heavy books. Gahyeon was cursing herself mentally, thinking that she couldn't take more than she would really have time to read, but she was very excited about college.

But what worried her was not the weight of the books. What really worried her at that moment was all the path to the dorm. It was about 20 minutes to get there and it was dark.

The moon was in the sky and illuminated as much, if not more, than the streetlights on the sidewalk she was walking on. Everything was very quiet, there was no sign of a party or even students walking back and forth; much of this was perhaps due to the fact that exams for the semester were arriving the following week.

But it was all so... deserted. Gahyeon was afraid.

"Hey, good evening!"

Startled, Gahyeon dropped the books and screamed.

"Hey, hey, calm down. I'm not going to do anything to you!", you said, raising your hands.

With her heart stilling from the fright she had taken, Gahyeon finally looked at your face and recognized you. Y/N, from the cafeteria. She felt her heart racing again, but this time it was not because of any fear.

She watched you bend down to gather her books and she also bent down to pick them up, still gasping from the shock but with the blood rushing through her veins from being so close to you. She looked at your hands and wondered what it would be like to touch them, to interlace her fingers and yours.

"I'm Y/N. What about you? What’s your name?”, you asked, after delivering the books to her.

"I’m Gahyeon.", she replied.

She already knew your name but would keep it to herself, as her secret. After all, it would be weird if she said she already knew your name, right? It would make her look like a stalker or something.

You talked all the way to the dorm. She asked if you were walking towards the dormitory that was further east of the campus, she did not want this good moment to end. She wanted to be able to continue talking to you, not just for this night but for all the others as well.

“Yes, yes. Over there.”, you said.

And she didn’t go into the question any further, understanding that you were also living there.

"So good to know that her dorm is close by... besides being a company on such a deserted path, it is the company of such a person...", Gahyeon interrupted her own thoughts, she didn't want to be so deluded.

After you left her at the door of the building, Gahyeon wondered if a friendship would grow between you. Or maybe something else. The conversation with you was so good and pleasant that she never wanted it to end.

When she arrived at the door of the dormitory, placing the books on the floor carefully - they had already suffered too much from the fall a few minutes ago -, Gahyeon looked for the key and thought about how beautiful you were in the moonlight.

You had already won her heart.

As time passed by, Gahyeon realized that her feelings for you were growing uncontrollably. There was so much in you that enchanted her, it was inevitable to fall in love with you. She just wanted it to be reciprocal.

Some nights when you came back together along the same route you met, Gahyeon took a breath to start saying that she liked you. She had already trained a lot in front of the mirror, she even thought of writing a note, but she never had the courage to say it.

Minji, who knew you both were creating a bond, always asked Gahyeon:

"So? Did it work? When are you going to buy me juice?"

Gahyeon denied it. There was nothing to celebrate. At least not yet.

Sometimes, she felt like you had something to tell her. But maybe it was just in her head. She thought it was really a hesitation that she created in her own mind.

Until the day before.

Minji wanted to go to another lecture and wanted Gahyeon to be her company again.

"Hey, where's Siyeon? I know you guys are always texting each other, don't make me go through this torture again!"

"She's going. I just don't want her to think I'm going because of her. But I want to see her."

"But are you going because of her?"

"Yes."

"But-"

"I can pay an iced americano for you, what do you think?"

Gahyeon pretended to think about it but Minji already knew it was a "yes".

When the three of them left the lecture and went to the cafeteria, they were even satisfied with the content that was passed on, there was no weird slide photo or layout errors.

As they sat down, Siyeon drank the first cup of her coffee.

"You look tired.", Minji said, worried.

And she really did. Gahyeon noticed that there were slight dark circles under her eyes.

"It's because of my roommate, Y/N.", said Siyeon on a sigh.

Gahyeon froze at the mention of your name. She felt Minji look at her from the corner of her eye very quickly.

"What did they do to make you like this?", asked Gahyeon, trying not to look more interested in your name in the story but in Siyeon.

"They are making me stressed! They have arrived almost midnight every day, what is it for?", there was disbelief in her voice.

Gahyeon felt relief. It couldn't be you, since your bedroom was next to hers. And as far as she knew, Siyeon's was across the campus. Minji always complained about walking too far to get there.

"Look, I understand that when there are parties we arrive late at the dorm. If we are going out with someone, we come back late. More importantly: if we have classes at night, we also come back late to the dorm. But they are not going to any party, they are not going out with anyone, not even have classes. And they always come when I'm already sleeping. ", sighed. "I love them but it worries me too. I asked what was going on for them to arrive so late and they said I wouldn't understand if they said."

"I believe they are a vampire.", said Minji, getting a laugh from Siyeon.

Gahyeon laughed automatically. She drank more of the American iced while the two friends continued the conversation. Her mind was traveling and she felt weird.

Did you lie to her? And for what reason? Why would you lie to her?

Gahyeon had no answers. But she needed to make sure it was you.

Now, with the bell ringing, Gahyeon woke up from her thoughts and realized it was time to meet you. She quickly noted the specifications that the teacher made for the semester's projects and kept the material in her backpack. She said goodbye to her friend Dami as they went down the stairs. She was so looking forward to seeing you.

And there you were, at the entrance.

"Hey!", said Gahyeon. "Today’s class was terrible. So many projects for this semester… I don’t know if I will have time to breathe.”

You were beautiful, she thought.

“If you need any help, you know you can send me a message, don’t you? I'll show up quickly to help you. ”, you said, smiling at her while holding the strap of your backpack.

Gahyeon felt her heart melt with your smile.

"So get ready because I will be texting you and asking for several different snacks."

“I said that I will help with the projects…”

"No problem. Project is to eat as many snacks as I can. ”

You laughed and put an arm around her shoulders. You started the long walk to her dorm on that starry night. Gahyeon felt safe with your arm around her, even though it made the urge to kiss you even bigger.

On the way to the dorm, Gahyeon wondered if she should talk about the conversation with Minji and Siyeon. She still didn't feel it was the right time. She wanted you to tell her, she wanted you to have the initiative. As you said nothing, she kept talking about the project.

After a while, Gahyeon realized that you were deep in thoughts.

“Y/N?”, she called you. "Did you hear what I said?"

“Hm… I… I'm sorry, I got distracted.”, you said, rubbing your face.

"Oh, fine," she said, smiling. “It wasn’t important, you don’t have to worry. What’s up, huh? You’ve been looking thoughtful for almost ten minutes. ”

The wind was cold but your eyes made her feel warm.

"I think I'm sleepy.”, you said.

She knew you were lying. Her heart sank.

“Then you should go to bed. Now. Go, go, go.”, she said, pushing you back in the direction you had just came from.

You laughed and turned to her. And her heart was torn between the hurt of the lie and the warmth of the sound of your laughter.

"Aren’t you going to say bye?"

She laughed. Approaching you, she kissed you on the cheek. Her heart was pounding.

“Now, go.”, and she pushed you back in the same direction.

That was the moment. If you went in the direction that she had pushed you, she would have the answer to one of so many questions.

She wanted her lips to be touching yours before you left. Because even though you lied to her, she liked you.

You were so full of your own thoughts that you didn’t notice the path you were taking. While walking to the dorm you shared with Siyeon, Gahyeon was right behind you, walking slowly and hiding a little in the shadows. When she realized it was definitely the opposite way you were going, she said loud and clear:

"I knew it!"

You were startled by her voice coming from behind you.

"Gahyeon?"

“I knew you had lied to me!”, she said in a loud voice.

And that had been a trap and you hadn’t even realized it.

“Okay, I can explain.”, you said, Gahyeon noticed the desperation in your eyes and your voice.

She crossed her arms, waiting. She was willing to listen.

When you finished telling how everything happened until you both got there, until your lie was discovered, you let your shoulders down and closed your eyes, taking a deep breath. Gahyeon realized that you were telling the truth. During all those nights walking together she met you, and those were the best nights she has ever had.

“Look, Gahyeon… I wouldn’t do it all for nothing. It's just… I like you. "Gahyeon didn't notice but she was holding her breath. Did you like her? “Since I hit my eyes on you at that cafeteria, I found you interesting. Yoohyeon told me to try to talk to you, you know? Try to do something. But I was too much of a coward for that. Coward to say hi but brave enough to hide myself behind a lie.”, you sighed loudly. “Ah, I accept if you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I think I better go to my dorm. My real dorm. ”

You started walking again, your steps were dragged and Gahyeon was very, very surprised. How was it possible? All this time, all those walks at night, all those nights being her best company, was it all because you liked her?

Gahyeon managed to make herself walk back to the dormitory, entering quietly only to realize that Minji was not there. She needed her friend's opinion. What to do?

So she decided to follow her own heart and took out her cell phone from her backpack.

"Just for you to know…”, she said as soon as you answered the phone call, her voice was low, she was about to tell you her secret. “… I-I kind of already knew your name when we met.”

Silence. 

She didn't know why she said that first. But she didn't want any secrets or lies between you both, even if they were with good intentions.

"What?", you said.

“Yeah… like…”, she sighted. “I thought you were cute… and I commented it to my friend.", her cheeks were very red. "Her name is Minji and I think she has some classes with you."

“Okay, this is… awesome.”, you replied, she could imagine your smile through your voice.

“And we will talk until you get to the dorm, okay?", she said, in a serious tone. "No hanging up. I need to know if you got there safely. ”, the tone of Gahyeon’s voice was now of concern.

“Okay, mom. But tell me… how did you find out that I was lying? ”

“Minji is going out with Siyeon. And during a conversation with Minji and me, she said that she was a bit mad at Y/N, her roommate, because they were arriving late every single day, even tho they had no classes nor even parties. It wasn’t that hard to find out that the Y/N of the story was actually you. ", she summarized.

"Oh, my God! She snitched on me! ”

“Yes! And I snitched myself. ”, Gahyeon said, laughing.

You both were relieved.

“So… you thought that I was cute, huh?”

Gahyeon smiled with your question.

"Yes. But don’t think that lying is okay. Every day, you’ll have to take me to my dorm. That’s your punishment. ”

"Well... This is a punishment that I am willing to take, Mrs. Gahyeon."

Gahyeon smiled, looking at the ceiling and, far ahead of her, walking in a gray sidewalk, you were heading in a direction increasingly opposite, smiling at the moon above.

You were totally into her.

[agentrouka-blog]

Hey! Wat your opinion on Jon not giving a thought on Sansa supposed marriage to Tyrion but actually dwell on how he trusted Tyrion n can't accept him killing his father. While Sansa comes to know about Jon being LC she thought how it would be sweet but Jon not once thinking about her marriage n supposed allegation about kinslaying. Yes she is far from him then but he could actually give a thought about how is she. Even Arya thought it'd​ stupid for Sansa to marry n kill the king.

The way he thinks of Tyrion is actually a pretty interesting thing. 

I get longwinded. 

After Tyrion departs the Wall, Jon thinks well of him:  

He could think here, and he found himself thinking of Samwell Tarly … and, oddly, of Tyrion Lannister. He wondered what Tyrion would have made of the fat boy. Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it, the dwarf had told him, grinning. The world was full of cravens who pretended to be heroes; it took a queer sort of courage to admit to cowardice as Samwell Tarly had. (AGOT, Jon IV)

He actively remembers him, even considers his advice, like he is a mentor to him.

"Lady Stark is not my mother," Jon reminded him sharply. Tyrion Lannister had been a friend to him. If Lord Eddard was killed, she would be as much to blame as the queen. "My lord, what of my sisters? Arya and Sansa, they were with my father, do you know—" (AGOT, Jon VII)

He finds it easy to take his side over Catelyn’s, no questions asked. (Boy, dude, I get why, but that’s some serious bias there, Jon. Calm the hell down.) But here, Tyrion is a “friend to him”. 

Still, from that point on it’s crickets chirping with regard to Tyrion. Likely, the fact that the Lannisters are waging war on his family does have some effect on Jon’s fondness for Tyrion.

"Who was your mother?"

"Some woman. Most of them are." Someone had said that to him once. He did not remember who. (ACOK, Jon VI)

It had been Tyrion. Pretty telling when you consider how eager he was to contemplate his advice earlier. He doesn’t remember, i.e. probably has blocked out who said it.

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs." And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king. (AGOT, Jon I)

So, a brief flicker of memory and then it’s silence on the subject for two entire books. 

This is the first and only time Jon thinks of Tyrion again: 

"It is not my intent to choose any side," said Jon, "but I am not as certain of the outcome of this war as you seem to be, my lord. Not with Lord Tywin dead." If the tales coming up the kingsroad could be believed, the King's Hand had been murdered by his dwarf son whilst sitting on a privy. Jon had known Tyrion Lannister, briefly. He took my hand and named me friend. It was hard to believe the little man had it in him to murder his own sire, but the fact of Lord Tywin's demise seemed to be beyond doubt. "The lion in King's Landing is a cub, and the Iron Throne has been known to cut grown men to ribbons." (ADWD, Jon III)

“He named me friend.” That’s a marked difference to “he had been a friend to him”. He “had known him briefly”. That’s quite distancing. The friendship, the entire relationship is regarded with a cool, retrospective distance. Jon is much more mature and he certainly has reason to think of Tyrion as an object of extreme ambivalence. So he most certainly does not dwell on the fact that he trusts Tyrion. 

Still, you are right. Jon never actively thinks about the fact that this dude is theoretically his brother-in-law. Married to his sister. 

What does Jon think about Sansa’s suffering and marriage and disappearance? We don’t have a clue.

He doesn’t directly think about Sansa’s plight in KL at all beyond one brief flicker in the very beginning:

"Lady Stark is not my mother," Jon reminded him sharply. Tyrion Lannister had been a friend to him. If Lord Eddard was killed, she would be as much to blame as the queen. "My lord, what of my sisters? Arya and Sansa, they were with my father, do you know—" (AGOT, Jon VII)

That flicker and Jon’s general attitude toward Sansa, though, tells us that he most certainly cares. He simply avoids the thought. 

From that point on, Jon mentions Sansa exactly 8 times in the span of four books. 

Once in contemplation of breathtaking natural beauty: 

So there is magic beyond the Wall after all. He found himself thinking of his sisters, perhaps because he'd dreamed of them last night. Sansa would call this an enchantment, and tears would fill her eyes at the wonder of it, but Arya would run out laughing and shouting, wanting to touch it all. (ACOK, Jon III)

Once in the context of courtly treatment of ladies: 

"That's pretty." He remembered Sansa telling him once that he should say that whenever a lady told him her name. (ACOK, Jon III) 

Once enumerated with the rest of his family to Mance Rayder in stark contrast to his own bastard status (ASOS, Jon I): 

“Then you saw us all. Prince Joffrey and Prince Tommen, Princess Myrcella, my brothers Robb and Bran and Rickon, my sisters Arya and Sansa. You saw them walk the center aisle with every eye upon them and take their seats at the table just below the dais where the king and queen were seated.” “I remember.” “And did you see where I was seated, Mance?” He leaned forward. “Did you see where they put the bastard?” (ASOS, Jon I)

Once in terms of her claim to Winterfell, guilt and devastating loss:

Winterfell would go to Robb and then his sons, or to Bran or Rickon should Robb die childless. And after them came Sansa and Arya. Even to dream otherwise seemed disloyal, as if he were betraying them in his heart, wishing for their deaths. I never wanted this, he thought as he stood before the blue-eyed king and the red woman. I loved Robb, loved all of them . . . I never wanted any harm to come to any of them, but it did. And now there's only me. (ASOS, Jon XI)

One unnamed, indirect mention, that again implies he considers her to be dead.

“Gods, wolf, where have you been?” Jon said when Ghost stopped worrying at his forearm. “I thought you’d died on me, like Robb and Ygritte and all the rest. I’ve had no sense of you, not since I climbed the Wall, not even in dreams.” (ASOS, Jon XII)

So let it sink in that Jon refuses to take Sansa’s birthright even when he thinks she may well be dead. 

He mentions her again in terms of her claim to Winterfell, where he blatantly doesn’t react to the fact that she was married to Tyrion, but it is implied this was something he has discussed with Stannis, or would have things to say about. 

“By right Winterfell should go to my sister Sansa.” “Lady Lannister, you mean? Are you so eager to see the Imp perched on your father’s seat? I promise you, that will not happen whilst I live, Lord Snow.” Jon knew better than to press the point. (ADWD, Jon I)

Jon knows better because this is something they do more than once. More than we are shown. GRRM is intentionally hiding the details of Jon’s thoughts.

“(...) Which would you have as Lord of Winterfell, Snow? The smiler or the slayer?"

Jon said, "Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa."

"I have heard all I need to hear of Lady Lannister and her claim." The king set the cup aside. “You could bring the north to me. Your father’s bannermen would rally to the son of Eddard Stark. Even Lord Too-Fat-to-Sit-a-Horse. White Harbor would give me a ready source of supply and a secure base to which I could retreat at need. It is not too late to amend your folly, Snow. Take a knee and swear that bastard sword to me, and rise as Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North.” How many times will he make me say it? “My sword is sworn to the Night’s Watch.” Stannis looked disgusted. “Your father was a stubborn man as well. Honor, he called it. Well, honor has its costs, as Lord Eddard learned to his sorrow. If it gives you any solace, Horpe and Massey are doomed to disappointment. I am more inclined to bestow Winterfell upon Arnolf Karstark. A good northman.” “A northman.” Better a Karstark than a Bolton or a Greyjoy, Jon told himself, but the thought gave him little solace. (ADWD, Jon IV)

So, seriously, Jon does think Sansa is dead or thoroughly lost because he doesn’t categorically refute Stannis’ attempt to bestow the seat on someone else. He doesn’t recommend that Stannis try and find Sansa. She is completely beyond reach. We are given no reason to believe he considers her to be alive. He merely refuses to place himself anywhere in the succession, emphasizes her claim and his lack of it. Jon and Stannis have done this multiple times before, it is implied. So Jon has thought about this in depth, we are simply not made privy to his thoughts.

It is simply not true that Jon doesn’t think about this. 

He thinks and talks about this and, given how Stannis emphasizes “Lady Lannister” and Tyrion’s connection to Sansa’s claim, and Jon just doesn’t even react, we can infer that Jon internally thoroughly rejects that marriage, its validity and its implications for Winterfell. Jon is not on board with Tyrion as Sansa’s husband. He probably has a very clear understanding of how Sansa was forced into it, and the only thing he may be ambivalent about is Tyrion’s complicity in this act, and how villainous he may have been toward Sansa. But there was never anything Jon could do about any of it. 

I think, the simple answer, APART from the fact that GRRM is clearly withholding Jon’s actual thoughts and conversations on the subject of her marriage, is that Jon avoids thinking about Sansa’s pain because it is painful to him, and there is a special helplessness attached to it, because he doesn’t have a plethora of shared interactions to weigh against that. 

He can think of Robb and Arya in terms of pain and strength and guilt and cheer because he shared those things with them. 

Sansa? Is a completely different animal. Sansa is an unanswered question, a figure out of reach, known through sparse interaction, distant observation. Admiration, yes, but mostly experienced from afar or through the grumpy filter of his beloved little bundle of envy and frustration: baby sister Arya. Arya talks to Jon about Sansa, Arya talks to Sansa about Jon. He knows her, but they are not familiar. She’s something soft and romantic in his head, what does he know of how she deals with pain and abuse? 

The final time Jon thinks of Sansa is in the context of home, childhood, Winterfell, love.

While it is often put into context with Jon’s death, these are not the final, peaceful imaginings of a dying man, this is Jon spurred to action by the thought of his siblings, the thought of his pack, the people he loves the very most in the world. Ned’s not there, Ygritte is no more than a fleeting mentor-quote on the level of Maester Aemon, Samwell is not there. Only his pack. One of them is alive, within his reach, dependent on his action. He has the means, he has the pretext to break out of the letter of his vows. Not to take their claim but to save one of them:

"I won't say you're wrong. What do you mean to do, crow?"

Jon flexed the fingers of his sword hand. The Night's Watch takes no part. He closed his fist and opened it again. What you propose is nothing less than treason. He thought of Robb, with snowflakes melting in his hair. Kill the boy and let the man be born. He thought of Bran, clambering up a tower wall, agile as a monkey. Of Rickon's breathless laughter. Of Sansa, brushing out Lady's coat and singing to herself. You know nothing, Jon Snow. He thought of Arya, her hair as tangled as a bird's nest. I made him a warm cloak from the skins of the six whores who came with him to Winterfell … I want my bride back … I want my bride back … I want my bride back …

"I think we had best change the plan," Jon Snow said. 

They talked for the best part of two hours. (ADWD, Jon XIII)

This is Jon considering the essence of his most beloved people. His final moments with them. His heaviest association with them. 

With Sansa, it’s another moment of romantic tranquility, observed from afar. 

Even if in passing, that is an active choice on Jon’s part, to observe Sansa from afar, to such a degree that he knows how she would react to certain things. It implies an attachment, a desire to know her, a certain fascination.

I think much of their relationship entails the things we see Jon think about Sansa: a romantic attachment to natural beauty, a thorough awareness of status differences, an observation of chivalry and courtesies, an unquestioned place in the context of his pack, and a staunch willingness to defend her even beyond hope. A love at a distance, a love without familiarity, but a genuine love. 

So this was a long and rambling way of saying that I think it’s mostly GRRM trying to hide their relationship from view, that it’s Jon suppressing painful thoughts he has no way of processing, that he is no longer fond of Tyrion and that the sum total of his few thoughts of Sansa are actually immensely positive and promising in a Jonsa context. 

[walkingmxuth]

Teach You A Lesson || David Jacobs Self Para

If heaven's grief brings hell's rain Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday (I know I'm bad news) For just one yesterday (I saved it all for you)

Summary: After Karyn’s party, but before Spot teaches David how to fight. David worries about his friend and follows him, only to get caught by a few men.

TW: Gang stuff, mentions of fighting, violence

David knew the moment he threw on his jacket and stepped out the door that this was a bad idea. It was a good thing he never really claimed to be a smart guy because if he had, this would definitely prove him wrong (and David hated being proved wrong.) Still, despite being painfully aware that this was one of the worst ideas he’d had in awhile, he stepped out into the cool damp air. Spot had just left through the balcony, far enough away that there wasn’t any chance he’d hear the opening of the door, but not so far that David couldn’t see his broad shoulders under the glow of the street lamp.

He was going to one of those fights, that much David knew. It wasn’t even that hard to decipher, what with Spot promising to be back later after he ‘took care of things.’ He had wanted to protest at the time, but he knew that all he would get was some noncommittal comment about doing what he needed to do. Well, David was doing what he needed to do, too.

He kept his footsteps light and his hood pulled up, letting the cold settle into his bones as he pushed through the night. The cool night air woke David up more than anything and though he hated to admit it, he knew he wouldn’t be getting much sleep that night. Where ever Spot was going, he was walking and David couldn’t help but wonder if that was common. Had he stopped riding his bike because he had wound up too injured to ride at night, or did he just enjoy the cathartic silence that echoed around them?

He had to stop twice on the walk because Spot, ever the smart (yet paranoid) man would occasionally throw glances over his shoulder. The first time he ducked behind a building, waiting what he hoped was an appropriate amount of time before following him again. He left more space between them which made it perfect because the second time he was able to throw himself in with a group of drunks who were acting far too rambunctious to notice the stranger laughing alongside them.

They had walked for almost half an hour before Spot came to a stop and David held back, careful not to be seen as he watched his friend enter what looked to be an old rundown warehouse. The place didn’t look too big, though David knew looks could be deceiving. It could be anything on the inside. He knew he had to be even more cautious, but David wasn’t ready to just leave. He had followed Spot for a reason, he had wanted to see if there was anything that he’d be capable of doing to stop his friend from getting hurt and he wasn’t backing down yet. Crouched down, he inched forward, eyes on the side door that Spot had entered. Would there be a guard? He wondered to himself, quickly looking around him to see nobody was really in the area. Maybe they were all watching the fight and wouldn’t notice one more straggler.

Fingers slowly twisted the door knob, pushing the door agonizingly slow to avoid making any unnecessary noise and with a surprising quick motion, David was inside and the door was shut. He could hear the commotion, though it was hard to miss. The sounds of voices screaming over each other, some cheering, some yelling out obscenities, all creating too much noise to notice any new bodies in the building and David, fortunately, had plenty of cover. There were boxes and shelves in the area, one of which included a registry of some sorts. His eyes moved over it, wondering if they kept track of every body that walked into the building. No, it wasn’t a registry, it was a schedule. A schedule of who was fighting who.

‘SC vs LC’ was one of the many listed for the night, close enough to the top that David knew Spot would be one of the first few to go. He sucked in a breath, allowing himself to move closer to the ring. Was Spot already in there? Or would he be able to find something, anything, to keep him from getting in the ring?

“What do we have here?” A voice spoke up from behind David, hands grabbing him before he could do anything. The man, whoever he is, was rough, fingers digging into David’s arms as he pulled him into a tightening hold. Panic started to inch into David’s skin as he fought against the grip but he knew he wouldn’t stand a chance. The man laughed, calling out, “Hey, Stan, come check this out.”

The fight carried on, the other men shouting too loud to notice the scene and David could feel himself growing more and more concerned. Another man came around the corner and though it was dark-- too dark for David to be able to really decipher whether or not he knew him-- he could see the grin spread across his features. “Oh shit, that’s one of Spot’s friends.” At the sound of Spot’s name, David started to struggle again, cursing. This was a stupid idea. “Hold him still,” the second man, Stan, commanded, to which the first obliged, tightening his hold on David until he found himself worrying the guy was going to break something. His body ached and he stopped fighting, if only to save himself the trouble. Maybe the guy would lower his guard and he could escape, maybe...

Stan reached out and grabbed David’s face, leaning in close in an attempt to study his face. His breath was rancid and David could confirm that he had never seen the guy before, though the way he was commanding the other made it clear that he held some sort of power. “What’s your name, kid?” He asked, smirking when David seemed to flinch away from the smell. He didn’t answer at first, but the first guy gave his body a squeeze and he blurted it out.

“David.” He said quickly, his eyes moving to where the men were fighting in the ring, hoping against all odds that somebody would notice the scene. Specifically he hoped that Spot would notice, though he already knew that was a hopeless wish. It was too dark and the men were being too quiet over the thunderous cheering nearby.

“David... That’s right, you’re the one that does those fancy events, eh?” Stan sneered, forcefully turning David’s head to get another look at him before patting his cheek. His attention turned to the first guy and David felt his heart drop, the sadistic grin only growing on the guy’s face. “It’d be nice to take Spot down a peg. Can you imagine the look on his face?” The first guy laughed with him and David found himself struggling again, trying to find some sort of leverage to elbow the guy holding him.

“You- You can’t hurt me,” he said through shallow breaths, his struggling all but useless against the thugs. “I know what you look like,” he said quickly, knowing the only way he’d get out of this was by talking. “If you hurt me, I can go to the police, tell them of your operation. You two would be the first ones they prosecute.” It was an empty threat, mostly because Spot could be tied in with the group as well, but he hoped the men were too stupid to see past that.

Stan laughed again, which caused the other man to join him and David felt himself go cold. “You won’t be going to the police, kid. You won’t even be breathing.” He laughed again, pulling out a knife, letting the steel glint in the distant light. “The only people who get to know about this operation is us, this family that your friend is a part of.”

David doubted they’d do it here, but he had no doubt that they meant to hurt him and the panic which had long since settled into his bones broke through, his voice carrying out. “Then let me join you,” he said quickly, the words coming out before he even realized what he was saying. “I, I’m smart, I can do whatever, whatever it is you need. Let me join your family, if- if I join, then I’ll be just as liable and I won’t tell anybody. Please.”

The other guy stopped at that, seeming to contemplate the idea. David wanted to say more, to speak his case, but he wondered if talking now would only make it worse. He bit his tongue, letting the sound of yelling fill his ears as he waited for what felt like an eternity. Finally he grinned, gesturing for the first man to let David go. The other complied without question and David rubbed as his arms while Stan spoke. “You can join, if you can survive initiation. Be back here in two nights, you’ll get a chance in the ring. Stay alive long enough and we’ll let you join. Don’t, and... well, you’ll be dead so I guess that don’t matter, do it?”

Shit. Shit shit shit shit. “Don’t skip out on us, either, kid. We know where you live.” David had fucked up. He must have been staring because a moment later, the first guy was giving David a shove back towards the door he had come through. “Now get outta here.”

-------

David wasn’t sure how he got home, the walk a near blur as he found himself lost in his thoughts. He stood outside of his own door when he fished out his phone, checking the time. 3:12AM. He pulled up his contacts without another thought, pressing the button to dial Spot Conlon. It rang twice before the other answered and David waved off the concern in his voice as he tried to calm his own. “Sorry, I know it’s late, I was just thinking and knew I’d chicken out if I didn’t say something now. --- No, I’m okay, I just --- Are you free tomorrow? I think I may take you up on that whole, teach me how to fight thing. ---” He forced himself to laugh, keeping his voice light. “Yeah, noodle arms and all. ---Yeah? --- Thanks, Spot. See you tomorrow.”

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Session 2

Meeting dates: 2.26 & 3.13

Originally, I was expecting to miss this cohort meeting and the next one. But thanks to the coronavirus, my scheduled trips were either postponed or cancelled. Bummed as I may have been about the trips, I’m really thankful that I don’t have to miss any of these sessions. 

Session 2 was a very different experience from Session 1. In short, it wrecked me emotionally in a very bad way, but that in itself set me on the right track to do some deeper soul searching and character building going forward.

My experience

At least half the cohort didn’t make it to this session. A didn’t make it out either, so his partner, J, guided us alone. We covered the 5 Voices (a simplified and more scalable model of the MBTI) and determined our leadership voice orders. Those of us called sherpas (who you can think of as guides-in-training under A and J) were asked to help our group members identify theirs. 

I had to step out in the middle to give a work presentation and unfortunately missed the content on 2 of the voices. I felt extremely tense the whole time as I sensed the moods of certain participants worsen at different points. I myself was fighting a growing sense of imposter syndrome for being a sherpa, especially after getting into just a bit of conflict with someone I was trying to help understand her voice order. This sense hit its peak when J told me after the session that A had said a lot of great things about me that I did not feel deserving of, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “He lied.” 

My first concern was that A would be mad at me for unintentionally attacking his character like this. And then a familiar wave of shame crashed over me as I realized I felt like an utter disappointment and a fraud because A wouldn’t lie, which suggested to me that I had failed him by not being able to live up to the person he thought I was. True to my tendencies as a primary Nurturer voice, it never occurred to me that perhaps my perception of myself was way off, and not his. As this is a revelation that has only just hit me, I can’t say I’ve made any progress seeing what he sees in me yet, but I will certainly be bringing this up in my next 1:1. 

I’ve definitely recognized this self-sabotaging tendency in me before, but I’m not sure I’ve ever believed that I can and should do something about it. I find it ironic that as someone who has spent most of my life trying to prove myself superior to others for a sense of security and self worth, one of the hardest things for me to do is believe that most of the time when I sell myself short, I’m the one who can’t see the truth, not everybody else who I think I’ve just somehow deceived into thinking better of me than I deserve. Growing up, the things I learned to value and seek in order to survive in the world have really undermined and disconnected me from my foundational leadership voice. Yet it’s crazy how even after all these years, now that I’m finally finding the guts to look beneath the layers of nurture and choice, I still find a Nurturer through and through. I’m really glad that it’s not too late to relearn how to be me.

Application

Since the last session, I’ve shared the support challenge matrix with 6 people. I asked 3 of my coworkers to plot me on the matrix (using scales of 1-10 for support and challenge) and provide actionable feedback on how I can be more of a liberator to them:

Lesia: 8 support, 6-7 challenge. Said that she really appreciates being given more context behind why I make the decisions I make when working with her and would prefer me err on the side of over-communicating. This was fascinating, as I tend to be the complete opposite and hate it when people tell me more than I ask to know. Clearing that up between us helped us both understand how to work better with the other person. She was also really interested in hearing more about what I learn through this cohort, which was really exciting for me to hear!

Dustin: At work, 6 support, 5 challenge. As a friend, 3-4 points higher each. Will get back to me on what higher support and challenge look like for him.

Ian: As a friend, 7 support, 7-8 challenge. Said that he’d appreciate it if I checked in on him more proactively. Quite profoundly pointed out that he believes the higher support I bring to him, the more fruitful the challenge I already naturally bring will be.

My homework for this session is to take 2 leadership insights for Nurturers and apply them. After writing this post, I’ve landed on these:

People chose you to lead because they believe in you. Act knowing that you belong.

When people challenge your views and opinions they are trying to help. It’s not a personal attack.

Next steps?

By 3/3: Ask A to help me figure out what I’m actually supposed to do to apply these attitude-based insights and what it looks like to have successfully applied them.

By 3/6: Share my experience with the cohort on Marco Polo.

By 3/8: Finish the homework A gave me for February without beating myself up for not finishing it on time or getting defensive about why I didn’t do so.

[skytressmc]

Jack/LC x Fem!Reader

Requested by @carrotsuits

Thank you so much for the request! Keep them coming!

So I decided to do Jack for this one, trying to figure out a plot for the Lord Commander. I also headcanon that Jack is a shy green bean and your gonna have to pry that from my cold dead hands!

Description: Jack falls for a mechanic at work, lots of cuddles and kisses.

‘Another successful mission’ thought Jack, it was a small one but still was dangerous, a comet was heading towards earth and Jack and John had to destroy it, which in his opinion was very fun. The way the comet blew up into little pieces of rock was satisfying. “Jack” gosh he just couldn’t wait to get home and crawl into bed and- “JACK” he ripped himself from his thoughts and looked up at John “Y-Yes?” “I asked if you wanna get something to eat?” Jack blushed in embarrassment, he was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even realize that the Captain was talking to him. “I-I would love to! But!-“ John raised a brow “But?” Jack smiled looking at the floor “Ohhh, who’s the lucky girl?” Jack rubbed the back of the neck “Her name is Y/N” “Y/N? The one we met at that bar? The one who fixes our ships?” Jack grinned “that’s the one! Gosh she’s so amazing, she’s beautiful..” Jack trailed off thinking about you. John laughed and patted his friends back, “Man, you got it bad. Well have a goodtime then! And don’t get too rowdy” John winked down at Jack. Jack cheeks heated up “J-John!” John laughed “I’m kidding ya” John waved “Have a goodnight” Jack grinned and waved back “Have a goodnight Bro!” Jack sighed and walked towards the docking bay, he was sure you were thing fixing something.

               Swearing was heard as Jack walking into the docking station, he looked over to see boots coming out of one the hawks. “Ow son of a bitch!” You pulled yourself out and rubbed your head. “A-Ah! Ms. L/N did you hurt yourself?” You looked up to see Jack staring at you with worry in his yellow eyes, you smiled “I’m alright Jack, just hit my head on a pipe” You touched the spot that got bumped and winced, yeah that was gonna hurt. Jack waddled over “Let me take a look” You did argue and bent your head for him to reach, he saw a large bump on the top of your head, he gently brushed his gloved hand across the bump, you hissed at the touch. Jack retracted his hand and began spit out apologies, you held your hand up and he silence himself “It’s okay Jack, but why are you here? It’s late” Jack his mouth to speak but shut it, how was he gonna ask you? He felt the words get stuck in his throat “I-I” You smiled “Hey it’s ok, take your time” Jack looked at the floor and cleared his throat “I-I wanted to know if you would like to join me at my the home for movies and human corn snacks” Jack felt his whole head turn red.

               You smiled down at the shy alien, he was quite cute. You would even say you had a small crush on him. Every time he came back from a mission he would run to find you to tell you all the about. A date wouldn’t hurt so you agreed. He gave you an opened smile and began to bounce on his toes “Oh this is amazing!”  You laughed “Well let’s go then” You closed your tool box, grabbing it and heading towards the exit. Jack followed closely almost bumping into your back.

               You walked towards your car, unlocking it and opening the trunk, placing your tool box inside. You closed the trunk and walked to the driver’s seat, you climbed into the seat and buckled up. You went to turn on the engine but you stopped when you heard grunting, looking over to your right and saw Jack struggling to climb on the seat, you sighed and leaned over and grabbed his hands, pulling him the rest of the way. He smiled his thanks and buckled up, the strap covered most of his chest. You turned on the engine and drove out of the parking lot.

               It was early spring, bugs began to come out to enjoy sunshine, colorful flowers began to bloom has the weather warmed up. You peaked over to Jack and saw him look in wonder of all the colors. You wondered if he had anything like this on his planet, you didn’t even know where he was from he really didn’t talk about it, maybe it was a bad past? You didn’t try to push it out. Turning the corner you could see his house up ahead, you’ve been to his house once for a small holiday party but that was it. You pulled into his driveway and turned off your car.

“So what are we watching?” Jack unbuckled himself “I have gotten a movie called ‘The Avengers’ I thought it looked quite nice” You smiled, you have watched The Avengers about 5 times but you would watch it again for Jack. You unbuckled and got out of the car, walking over to Jack’s side you saw him again struggling to get out. You grabbed him and lifted him on to the ground. He blushed but gave you a small ‘Thanks’ You smiled and walked towards the door. He grabbed his keys from his pocket and unlocked the door, letting you inside first, what a true gentlemen.

               You walked inside and looked around, it still had the comfy feeling, it wasn’t small but it wasn’t big, it was perfect. You took off your boots and placed them on the rug, they were full of grease and you didn’t want to get his house dirty. “Welcome to my The Home” You laughed “Thank you it’s quite lovely” Jack took off his boots and walked towards the kitchen “Would you like any cool fluids?” Fluids? Oh he meant drink “Got any soda?” Jack rummaged through his fridge and found a can of Coke-Cola “John drinks this when he comes over” He handed the can to you. You opened the can and took a sip of the cold drink, feeling it go down your throat. Jack opened the cupboard and looked to find the popcorn, strange he thought he put it on the bottom shelf, looking up he saw it on the top shelf. He huffed in annoyance, of course one of John’s jokes.

               You giggled as Jack struggled to climb on the counter to get the popcorn, Jack looked at you with an annoyed look “A little help?” You walked over to the cupboard and grabbed the box, opening the box you grabbed a bag and placed it into the microwave. Jack walked to the living room to play the movie. You waited for the popcorn, and went into your own thoughts. You should really clean on some of those ship engines, they were so dirty and of course none of the pilots would do it. The microwaved beeped breaking you from your thoughts, you opened the microwave door and took the bag out. You opened the bag and steamed came out of the bag, you carefully poured it into a bowl. You grabbed the bowl and your soda, and headed the living room.

               Jack had the movie set up and was waiting for you to start it. You sat on the couch “alright you can start it” Jack pressed play and set the remote on the coffee table. He waddled to the couch and sat at the far of the couch looking nervous, this must be his first date, setting the popcorn down you leaned over and plucked him up, he gave a surprised yelp. You sat back down and placed him on your lap. He flushed at the new placement “Y-Y/N?” You smiled and wrapped your arms around him “Don’t be nervous Hun, I just want to cuddle you” Jack remember being told something about cuddles, he leaned into you to get comfy.

               You two watched as the movie unfolded, though Jack wasn’t very much paying attention, he kept glancing at your face, watching your lips open to place popcorn into your mouth. Jack always wondered why humans kissed, did it feel nice? Was there a meaning to it? He was so lost in thought he didn’t realize he was staring at your face but you did. You smiled at his dazed state, you placed your hand on his cheek “Something on my face Jack?” Jack blinked and blushed as he realized what he was doing “N-No! I just-“ You grinned “Just what?” Jack fumbled with his hands trying to find the right words. “I was w-wondering what kissing what like?”

               It was your turn to blush, you understood why he wondered that but why ask you? Did he like you that much? You cleared your throat “It’s a wonderful feeling really, it’s like becoming part of the person you like, some say you feel little sparks or fireworks inside when you kiss” Jack tilted head “Why would fireworks be inside your body?” You laughed “No no what I mean is its just that wonderful like fireworks, it’s beautiful and amazing like fireworks” Jack nodded in understanding. Jack kept playing with his hands “May I kiss you?” You flushed at the question but nodded. You gently grabbed his cheeks, his placed his hands over yours smiling at the warmth on his cheeks. You place kisses on his cheeks making him giggling at the feeling, it kinda tickled but he liked it.

               You leaned towards his lips closing the gap, softly kissing him, he gently moved his lips with yours, he was sloppy but that just made it better. He smellef of popcorn and cinnamon, it was a weird mix but he made it him. You broke the kiss and smiled at his daze look. “That was wonderful” You laughed “Yeah. Yeah it was.” He placed his forehead on yours smiling “I felt sparks, did you?” You chuckled and nodded “Yeah.” He smiled and looked into your eyes, they were more beautiful than any galaxy his seen. Jack bit his lip “Would you like to become my human girlfriend Y/N?” You smiled and rubbed your foreheads together “I would love too.” He grinned like he just won the lottery.

               You laid on the couch with Jack laying on your stomach, he cuddled your chest and turned his attention back to the TV. You drew designs on his back with your back lulling him to sleep, yeah your glad you agreed to this date.

[helenamayhathaway]

The Bachelor(s) - Sope Fic

“Run that by me one more time, chief.”

He groans out the anger that he wants to take out by smacking Yoongi across the face. “Twenty-five guys stepping out of the limo. Fifteen roses. Nine weeks. Then you pick one guy.”

“Pick him to do what?” Yoongi says, playing dumb. He gives Yoongi a stare so intimidating that his balls shrivel back into his body. “Fuck, oh my god, I’m just kidding! Fall in love blah blah blah. I got it.”

Read Chapter 1 below the cut!! (also on AO3 and Wattpad)

{{

The Bachelor: Boys Will Be Boys SK Promo #3 (Yoongi)

Interviewer: (Excitedly and absolutely incapable of reading the room) What made you decide to enter as a contestant on the first ever season of The Bachelor: Boys Will Be Boys?

Yoongi: (Under his breath) What a ridiculous [censored] title.

Interviewer: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.

Yoongi: Honestly, I thought there was a cash prize.

Interviewer: You… you what?

Yoongi: I thought that like, if I came on the show and won, I’d get money. I’ve never seen the show, the original one or whatever. I thought it was a bunch of single people fighting to the death or something. And I’m like, I can definitely cut a [censored] if I need to.

Interviewer: (Dejectedly) Okay…

Yoongi: But I already signed the contract, it’s too late to turn back now.

Interviewer: (Trying to steer the conversation into a direction that won’t get him fired [he is definitely going to get fired]): So how does it feel now that instead of being a contestant, you’ve been chosen to be The Bachelor [Excited jazz hands]?

Yoongi: I still don’t win any money.

Interviewer: Just to be clear, you are aware this is a dating show, right?

Yoongi: It has been explained to me.

Interviewer: …and that twenty-five men will be vying for your love?

Yoongi: [unbelievably censored] That’s a lot of people I’m going to let down.

Interviewer: Well this is sure to be an exciting season isn’t it?

Yoongi: Do you think they’ll let me make all the other dudes do a Wipeout course? I want to weed out the weak among them.

Interviewer: [Damn it, man, this is your first gig in the biz, you have to get some goddamn emotions out of this man] Do you think you’re going to be falling in love this season?

Yoongi: [Laughs hysterically]

Interviewer: (Facing both God and his father who told him he’d never amount to anything) Tune in this Friday for the series premier of The Bachelor: Boys Will Be Boys!

Yoongi: (Quickly so as to make his voice heard before the cut) Buy my [censored] mixtape “Agust D” you [censored] cowards!

**Notes from the director: Do not let this interview see the light of day or so help me.

}}

“You are not a pleasant man!” the interviewer says to him once he’s sure the camera is no longer rolling.

“Aw, you don’t say,” he says, mockingly. Yoongi disagrees though. He is a very pleasant person. Most of his friends consider him to be dazzling and wonderful, or at least, that is what his mind insists that they think of him. He’s just super pissed he got himself into this situation, and he’s going to be a jackass about it. The cash prize thing isn’t the true story, but it’s the impression he wants to give off. Street cred and the like. He’s a rapper and he needs a certain amount of reputation so that he can call someone a motherfucker and people will take it seriously.

It’s his fault, of course it’s his fucking fault. He submitted a headshot and a copy of his self-produced-recorded-in-the-bathroom-of-his-friend’s-studio-apartment-because-it-had-great-acoustics mixtape to every goddamn company he could find. If you throw enough bait in the ocean, surely someone will snap. He’s not a considerably patient person, so after a very crafty google search of: “how to be famous”, and a very glamorous looking email from TB BWBB SK OTC LC – he still does not know what any of these letters stand for – reached out to him for an audition, well obviously he turned himself into the bait and tripped over his own feet running to be noticed. I’m special and worthy, make me your star!

Obviously, he doesn’t have an agent because 608 people have listened to said mixtape on SoundCloud and a whopping ten copies of it have sold on iTunes, and four of those copies were bought by his mom, but she will deny it until the ends of the earth. He probably could have used an agent, or common sense, or just someone to smack him in the head before that fateful audition two months ago.

“Bach-e-lor,” he read out looking at the extremely official looking poster board sign propped up on a music stand before him at the doors of that very glamorous brothel turned home brewery turned themed café turned TV Studio. “That is an English word, I do not know what that is.” He also didn’t really care about looking it up, because he is an overwhelmingly lazy person. It cannot be overstated, Yoongi should have someone follow him around to tell him when he’s being a fucking idiot.

“Boys will be boys,” he read the next line. The person who made the sign did not think about the spacing of letters, so the second part of the sentence was all crammed together. B o y s w illbeboys. Very sexy. “Well… I am a boy,” he nodded to himself, looking down for confirmation, even though no one was there to witness his joke.

So, he just walked right fucking into that studio and pretty much fucked up his entire future in one viciously fell swoop. What’s the worst that could happen, he thought? He goes on one of those K-Pop Idol shows and he doesn’t win but he gets his name and face out there so people go buy his mixtape and then some company is like “damn you’re fine” and he gets scouted and then becomes an international superstar. What could go wrong?

He did think it was kind of weird that they asked him what his preference in men was, but he’s never breathed the air of a talent agency, so he thought maybe that’s just how these things are. Yes, of course I like fellow musicians. No, I’m not a vegan, what do I look like to you, a monster?

To say it’s been a whirlwind would be an understatement. It only really starts to be real in the two weeks leading up to Night One, where he’s having his picture taken relentlessly, shoved into various seats and interviewed by various people who don’t get paid enough. Made up like a doll, advised to wear better clothes. He feels like an idol but excluding the being excited about it part. He’s trying to maintain his sleek, bad boy composure throughout all of it, and he’d say he’s doing a fairly good job, but there are cracks in the act, surely.

Two months and an unreasonable amount of Soju as a coping mechanism later, his bags are packed and all ready to move into this unforgivingly modern mansion for the next nine weeks. The mansion is the ugly kind of modern, not the “that looks relaxing and practical!” modern. All ninety-degree angles and manufactured pleasantness which don’t quite hit the mark. He supposes that the architecture is rather prophetic for the chaos that Yoongi is about to unleash inside its walls. If he’s going to be the next bachelor, and the first gay one, then goddammit if he isn’t going to raise hell.

“You’re telling me that twenty-five people are going to live in this thing?” Yoongi asks the producer who he has actually quite lovingly decided he will refer to as “Producer Dad.” See, he’s a pleasant person. Off camera, that is.

“Has anyone even explained how this show works to you?” Producer Dad says.

“Men. Roses. Hand to hand combat? Um… that’s the gist of it. I’m sure I’ll pick it up along the way, I’m a fast learner.” He did sign his soul away to this goddamn circus, though, so fast learner or not, he needs to be less of an idiot.

“So tonight, after you have your first impressions with everyone, you’re going to hand out fifteen roses. Only fifteen people will be in the mansion after that, not twenty-five.”

“I don’t think I can remember fifteen different people’s names,” Yoongi says.

“Try your hardest.”

“At the end, once I’ve eliminated all of the contestants, do I get to keep the house?” It’s ugly, but he can always sell it and get something else.

“How is it that you have not been fired yet and replaced?”

“Between you and me, I think it’s because I’m unparalleled sexy,” Yoongi says. He might be lazy and a little bit full of himself, but he’s pretty sure the actual reason is that the powers that be want this show to fail. They don’t want a gay bachelor any more than the next “Forced Diversity” crybaby, so they chose someone who’s going to make it crash and burn so that they have an excuse to say “See! It didn’t work, so now we can’t ever do it again.” They did choose the right man, because gay? bisexual? questioning? all you can eat buffet? whatever the hell Yoongi is, he is the man for the job.

“Do I get my own bedroom? My own bathroom? My own closet? Walk in closet? This is very important.”

“I’m confused, you only have one bag?” Producer Dad says.

“You’re saying the truck hasn’t come yet?”

The Truck? Oh, Producer Dad you are in for it.

“This is going to be a long nine weeks.”

Yoongi shrugs. It’s going to be stupid and dumb, but he’s going to be living the good life. Nice bedroom which he will sleep very late into the morning in? Does the mansion come with a chef? Maybe even a bathtub? Fuck! They’re going to have a lot of trouble trying to get him to move out. He’s sure if he’s stubborn enough they’ll decide to forego the glue remover required to detach him from his bed, because it would be far easier to just stew in misery over the abyss of lost profits that this train wreck of a show is going to create than to buy industrial grade Yoongi Be Gone.

“I’ll play nice with the other boys as long as I get to advertise my mixtape every five minutes of screen time.” Something tells him that this ultimatum means he’s not going to be playing nice with the other boys.

He had been lying about the truck. It’s more just a van. As he walks up to the house, with its weirdly glamorous driveway, he sees it parked out in front, seeming to gleam in the harsh summer sun. Yoongi is not particularly good at packing, though, so a lot of the reason for why he takes up so much space is because he left all of his clothes on hangers and just threw them into an impractical number of trash bags. Producer Dad is not especially willing to help Yoongi move all of his stuff into the mansion, so he does his best impression of the cutest cat you’ve ever seen to all of the crew, but Producer Dad has spitefully told all of his Producer Siblings not to help Yoongi move in his armfuls and armfuls of clothes. And all of his personal bedding. And some audio recording equipment because what if he’s sitting in his bed avoiding the responsibilities of being a reality TV star and he comes up with the next Rap God? If this wasn’t a nine-week venture, he wouldn’t have travelled so heavy, but it is a nine-week venture so fuck it. If he’s going to be a diva then he will be the diva.

He’d like to think he unpacks all of his belongings pretty quickly. The hard part is making it up the stairs into the master bedroom. When he sees it for the first time, he gets an evil glint in his eyes. The room itself is nice, he does have his own bath and an okay closet, but what really gets him is the bed itself. He’s a struggling musician, he’s never even been in a room with a bed this big. He is realizing that the bedding he brought isn’t the right size, but still, this bed is big enough that he could starfish with room to spare. He could fit two people on here to starfish. He’s going to get used to it quite quickly. So quickly in fact that after he shoves all of his clothes in the closet, he passes out on the bed for a solid three or four hours. It’s amazing.

He is awoken when a Producer who is not Producer Dad comes screaming for him, panicked because apparently the crew thought he had run away, but actually he just sleeps like a brick. She is telling him to get changed because Tonight is the Night, and he groans because he was unconscious for so long that he blissfully forgot why it is that he gets to sleep in this nice bed. He wants to stay in this big fancy mansion just for the comfort of it, he doesn’t want to actually exert effort. Effort is disgusting.

Then he’s being put into a suit. Dragged into a trailer outside of the mansion that he’s sure will never make it on camera, where about five different people all start attacking his face all at once. His hair is done, he doesn’t know what there is to do, they put so much product in, but it looks the same now as it did before. He gets makeup slathered all over him. He’d never worn makeup before they started shooting promos for the show, but he looks damn good in it he decides as he looks at himself in the mirror. How does he still look tired, though? Probably because he doesn’t want to be here. His eyes look heavier than they felt before he took that nap. Ah, that nap. He will remember it fondly until his dying days.

“Can I just eat?” he complains after possibly four hours or possibly twenty minutes. “Give me food. Please. How humiliating would it be if you could hear my stomach growl on camera?”

Producer Dad rolls his eyes, but he relents and then Yoongi is being given what seems to him like someone’s leftovers but he’s a hungry bitch, so he doesn’t really care.

“Why do you film it so late at night?” Yoongi asks, because the sun set nearly an hour ago and now he’s just standing by, waiting for shooting to begin.

“It’s for the drama of it.”

“Yeah,” he rolls his eyes, “that makes total sense.” These entertainment types are so weird to him. They don’t seem like bad people, they just have vastly different priorities and thoughts as he does. Who would think that people walking out of a limo is more dramatic at night? These guys! Everyone is in agreement about it. Yoongi feels like a child in comparison to everyone around him.

The production quality of this show overall seems astoundingly low. The house is pretty nice and all that, but no one seems to know what they’re doing. Or maybe he just thinks that because he himself does not know what he’s doing. He shouldn’t even be here. Why the fuck is he here?

He’s not a reality star, or an idol. He’s not really an anything. He’s just some guy who got in over his head and signed up for the wrong kind of show, and now he’s here.

There is some truth to the fact that he did technically sort of a little bit kind of definitely know what he was doing. Initially, yeah, he had no clue. But it didn’t take that long for him to realize what kind of show this was. He’ll deny it to anyone who asks, make up some new, even more outrageous explanation for how he got here, but he did say yes knowing full well what he was doing.

He’s not very proud of the fact that he’s here, but it was on purpose, more or less. It’s not the way he would like to have done it, but people will know his name after tonight, or technically on Friday when this airs. The mixtape has been out for months and no one has noticed it. Months! He needs something. This is definitely not the way he thought it would happen, but this is how it is going to happen.

“Are you ready to shoot your pre thoughts?” Producer Dad asks as he beckons for the host of the show to come by. Yoongi has talked to the host like a whole two times so far, and has decided that his name is Host Uncle, because he is never content with anything that Yoongi does.

“Fuck, I mean, I guess so?”

“Please try to refrain from swearing, okay? It costs the network actual money when we have to bleep your words.”

“I’ve got to get it all out now then,” he says before doing something that would not be condoned by the network or his own mother.

“I do not get paid enough for this,” Producer Dad says before Yoongi is being put on his mark and then being counted down.

“So Yoongi, you’re about to meet twenty-five men for the first time, one of them could even be your future husband! How are you feeling?” Host Uncle asks in a news reporter sort of voice that doesn’t sound natural.

“Well, I certainly am feeling emotions,” he says, though he refuses to show any actual emotions on his face.

“What kind of emotions might those be?”

“Disbelief,” he says, “did not think I would ever be here.”

Host Uncle has a fake laugh and then misinterprets the words either intentionally or unintentionally. “It’s almost like your whole life has culminated in this moment!”

“Okay,” he says apathetically. “I’m just here to promote my mixtape.”

“Cut!” Producer Dad shouts. “Yoongi, we talked about this.”

“Sure, but I ignored you.”

“Let’s try that again, but please avoid plugging your mixtape this time, okay?”

Yoongi groans loudly. One time was painful enough and now he’s got to do it again, and he really exerted as much emotion as he was capable of exerting in that first take, which is little to none. He doesn’t think he’s going to be able to top that.

They do at least five takes. Yoongi doesn’t watch reality shows, it never occurred to him just how much of what goes on the screen is rehearsed and fake. They only let him off the hook when he goes completely over the top.

“Yes of course I’m super excited!” he says with the most insincere tone known to man, but no one seems to notice it, or maybe they’re all just so thankful that the words he’s saying aren’t negative that they’re choosing to see it as a win.

“Do you think that one of these men is going to be your soulmate?”

“Well, I sure hope so,” he says before he smiles at the camera with his cheesiest, gummiest, toothpaste commercial smile.

“It’ll have to do,” Producer Dad finally says.

“The name of my autobiography,” Yoongi mutters. “Can I eat more food now?”

Producer Dad makes an exaggerated sound of frustration, throwing his hands in the air, which Yoongi takes as a yes. He goes back to the trailer where he knows that they’re storing the food, and he then proceeds to eat his emotions away. His emotions are very hungry.

A lot of people he doesn’t know are trying to tell him things. Lots of crew members who seem like perfectly nice people but they’re talking about things he doesn’t care about so he instead decides to tune them out and think about himself instead.

What’s nine weeks? He’s been on this earth for much longer than that, he’ll be able to make it through nine weeks. He’s in a big fancy house. It may be hideous but it does nevertheless have a very good bed. He thinks lovingly of that bed for the next several minutes.

From outside the trailer, he hears Producer Dad shout, “First limo is en route!” All hell breaks loose. Everyone starts scrambling like a bomb went off. Yoongi is being dabbed off and he’s not even sweating. People are fixing his everything. Then he’s being tugged back outside to stand in front of the mansion at a dramatic angle.

He remembers that he has to start acting now. Well, maybe not "acting," but he has to prepare himself to be on camera now and for the next two and a half months. The last few days of promos and pre-interviews are just the appetizer, now it’s time for him to become what he hates. Remember Yoongi, you’re only here for the plu. You just have to make it through this with as many cheeky self-plugs as you can get. People absolutely eat up reality stars. This could be great for you.

He’s actually getting nervous. He didn’t think he was going to get nervous, but he is. It’s not nerves because he’s worried about meeting all the guys, it’s nerves because the weight of everything around him is starting to fall on his shoulders and he is not strong enough not to be crushed by it.

“The limo is going to be here in five minutes, are you ready, Yoongi?”

“I am full of regret and lots of food.”

“You just have to be personable; I know you can do it. I know somewhere in there, deep, deep, deep down, you’re not an asshole.”

“I’ve yet to find that person,” Yoongi responds, smirking.

“You’re insufferable. You know what to do, right? You only have to connect with 15 guys tonight. That’s all you have to do.”

“Run that by me one more time, chief.”

He groans out the anger that he wants to take out by smacking Yoongi across the face. “Twenty-five guys stepping out of the limo. Fifteen roses. Nine weeks. Then you pick one guy.”

“Pick him to do what?” Yoongi says, playing dumb. Producer Dad gives Yoongi a stare so intimidating that his balls shrivel back into his body. “Fuck, oh my god, I’m just kidding! Fall in love blah blah blah. I got it.”

Producer Dad then turns white as a sheet as he hears something in his headpiece. “It’s here!” The camera catches the shot as everyone runs away so as not to be seen in shot. Yoongi is left standing there, the drama of the dark night finally starting to make sense to him as he watches the limo slowly make its way to the driveway right in front of him. How cliché it would be to say his fate is behind those doors, yet too true to deny.

He doesn’t know if he has ever felt so alone and transparent in his entire life. He’s standing here, made up and plasticized. Full of annoyance and nerves and stupidity. Thinking about what he would be doing if he wasn’t here. In one of those dead-end jobs that he uses to support his nonexistent music career. No one knowing his name. But soon the scene of him standing here waiting for that door to open will be seen by the whole country.

He feels fake right now, and he knows that’s because his on-camera self thus far has been fake. He isn’t this person. He’s genuinely a nice person. He definitely needs his mouth washed out with brillo pad, but he’s a good friend, a hard worker. Here he stands feeling like an action figure bent to do The Man’s will.

The minute that the door to the first limo opens, he has a very disheartening realization. Shit. He can’t be a jackass to all of these guys. It’s just not inside of him. He wants so much to be a jackass. It would be such a pleasure. But that would not be fair. It would be so awful for this to be the very first season of this show, queer representation hoorah and then to be piece of shit to everybody. These are the people he’s going to be sharing the screen with for so many weeks, and they are real people. Real people who actually came here to find love and what they got was Yoongi taking the piss. Sure, some of them might just be in it for the fame and drama of it all, not unlike himself, but they’re still human beings.

Alright, Yoongi, what are you going to do? He decides that maybe he will make nice. He’s going to be an asshole to the camera without question but to these dudes? Who came all the way out here to find love? Putting themselves into such an uncomfortable position? That wouldn’t be fair. By no means is Yoongi going to fall in love with anyone, he has some self-respect, but he won’t be a jerk. He will try his hardest not to be.

The door opens in such a way that Yoongi cannot see who’s inside. He doesn’t mean to but Yoongi looks at the camera and makes a very nervous, and probably very cute expression. This is actually about to be real.

The first person that steps out of the limo is… a guy. Korean. Wild, who would have thought? He’s wearing a suit, it could be the exact same one as the one on Yoongi. He has two arms, two legs. Silver hair, dyed. Quite a nice texture. Looks soft. Great skin care regimen. Alright, so he’s hot. Yoongi has two eyes and a dick, he knows when someone is hot.

The distance between them can’t be more than a few yards and yet the length of time that it takes for this guy to walk up to Yoongi is centuries long. He’s quite a bit taller than him, but Yoongi is not a very large person to begin with.

He stops in front of Yoongi, neither of them is doing anything that would be defined as “smiling” but it also couldn’t be defined as anything else.

“Hi,” the other man says. Yoongi takes in a deep breath as subtly as he can. So it begins.

“Hi,” Yoongi responds. Had he meant to say more? Wow, they’re both going to be good at this.

“I’m uh, this is a really weird format to meet someone for the first time isn’t it?” he says sheepishly. Time is not progressing in the way that time usually progresses. He’s not sure if he’s entered a dream or not. It’s not that it feels magical, it just doesn’t feel grounded. He’s not really here. This isn’t really happening.

“Yes,” Yoongi says. Maybe once his mouth stops being dry, he’ll graduate to more than one syllable at a time.

“It’s really nice to meet you.”

“Yeah.” Uncomfortable silence… maybe he should mention his mixtape?

“Are you nervous?” he asks.

“I’m just awkward,” he says, smiling just a little bit to show how uncomfortable he actually is. It’s not a sincere smile. It’s a mom just told me to smile for a picture but I’m eleven and I just want to get through this vacation in one-piece smile.

“Me too. I didn’t know I would be going first. It’s a lot of pressure to say something meaningful… I guess I should tell you my name,” he says. Yes, that might help, you very pretty man. “I’m Namjoon.”

“Yoongi.” Yoongi goes in for a handshake but Namjoon misreads it, so they have an awkward hug with Yoongi’s hand in his stomach. Holy shit, he went into this hoping so much to be a serious, stoic, confident rapper promoting his mixtape, and this is Bachelor One and he already wants to hide in a sewer.

“This can only get weirder from now on,” Namjoon says with actually a really cute smile, and Yoongi doesn’t know why but those words actually comfort him a little bit. “Good luck. I hope when we talk again it’ll feel a little less terrifying.” Oh that’s right, Yoongi reminds himself that after all these introductions he has to go and have one-on-one conversations with everyone and try not to get super drunk while he does it. That’s going to be the hardest part. He wishes he had warmed up with at least something to make his posture a little less straight.

He watches as Namjoon walks past him into the house, and due to the fact that Yoongi has hormones, he looks at him as he walks past and is very sad to learn that there is no ass to speak of. Twenty-four people to go whose asses will surely be more impressive.

Now it’s round two and he’s still uncomfortable but he’s done this once so now he thinks he can handle it a little bit better. Fuck, this one is cute. This one is bubblier. The instant he steps out of the limo, his face already has a smile on it. Christ, this is a good one. So was the last one. This is already hard. There’s no way he’d have been able to be an asshole to faces like these, even if he tried.

“Jimin,” he announces after a few words. Yoongi can tell that he’s going to go in for a hug because that radiates off of this guy. It’s a nice hug. They exchange a few pleasantries. It doesn’t feel natural, but it’s not awful. Jimin walks away and Yoongi is starting to think that this might not be as disgustingly fake as he thought it would be. Jimin made it a little less extremely uncomfortable. Oh, he has very much got an ass. Yoongi makes an unconscious nod before he remembers that there’s a camera on him.

As much as he would like for it not to be true, a lot of the guys run the same as the previous. This one has black hair, but this one has black hair. That one has piercings, oh those are very nice piercings, but that one has a velvet suit jacket and that really does something for Yoongi. He remembers that he has to make it through twenty-five different people, and there are too many names to remember, so he starts assigning them letters.

“Nice to meet you A, I’m Yoongi.”

“Oh, hello B, I’m Yoongi.”

“Thank you so much for saying that C, my name is Yoongi.”

He doesn’t tell any of them that they are being given letters. That would be rude.

“Jungkook.” Okay, yeah cool, your name is L now. “Jin.” Congratulations contestant number whatever, your name is Q. Yoongi skips the letter P because he feels like that would just be cruel, especially considering that Q is unbelievably handsome.

It’s been half an hour, is he nearly done? Producer Dad shows him his fingers. Four left. Thank god. He only has to meet four more people. But then he has to go talk to all of them. But then, quite a mercy, he gets to eliminate ten of them! No need to remember them anymore. He’s got to keep the first two because they’re the only ones whose names he thinks he remembers, but other than that it’ll be a crap shoot.

“Taehyung.” Oh, his voice is deep, and Yoongi decides that he likes that. Yes, very much so. He instantly forgets the name that this man just assigned himself, but V seems to suit him quit well. Goodbye V, and yes, Yoongi looks at his ass too. But he’s gotten fairly good at being subtle about it. The viewers at home will still probably be able to tell. Maybe it will make him genuine and endearing? Maybe he’ll just be called a pig.

The next one has brown hair. A very squishy face, which Yoongi has been told he also has. The second he steps out of the limo he can tell that this one, much like the second guy who Yoongi wants to say was called Jimin, that this guy radiates something. A very bright smile, if a little nervous. He looks very good in his suit. Everyone that has walked out of the limo has looked nice and been nice, but there’s something about this one in particular that just gets right to Yoongi’s core.

“Nice to meet you,” he says, which is a phrase that Yoongi has heard countless times before, and it’s a little disappointing that that is how this one has started the conversation.

“Hello,” he says. To be fair, Yoongi’s first line hasn’t had a lot of variety either.

"Your bio failed to mention that you were this cute," he says, and gives Yoongi a respectful once-over. Yoongi refrains from rolling his eyes. “Before I say anything else, I read on your bio that you're a rapper?”

His eyes immediately sparkle. Yes! Finally, someone is asking him about it! “I am! Yes!” Is this excitement? Is that what he feels? Excitement? Let me talk about myself please!

“That’s really cool. You may be here on this weird show now, but the next minute you’ll be an idol.”

“A man can dream, right?” Yoongi says. His squishy cheeks are about to make their debut to the camera, he can just tell.

“You look like you make a good rapper,” he says. His face becomes warm. Is this blush? He’s super pale, this guy is going to be able to tell that he’s blushing.

“I have a mixtape, you should listen to it,” Yoongi stumbles a little bit on his words. He realizes that this is the first time he’s managing to get a plug in for his mixtape, so he looks at the camera quickly and says, “Agust D, check it out.”

“How about you tell me more about it when we talk later, yeah?” he says smiling. This guy can most definitely tell that Yoongi is blushing. You can read it on his face like a book. Yoongi also suspects that he knows what he’s doing. He’s so charming. He’s cute. Everyone has been cute, literally everyone, but this one complimented not just his face but also said he looks like a good rapper. Fifteen roses to give out, this guy has already earned one.

“Two left after me, but make sure I’m the one you remember, okay?” he says. Fuck. Yoongi nods, and he turns to watch him go, but then he realizes-

“Wait, you didn’t tell me your name!”

“Silly me,” he says, smiling with his soft oh-my-god-yoongi-are-you-gay? cheeks, really bright like he’s a light source and Yoongi is a flower that needs it to grow. “Hoseok.”

Alright, Hoseok. You get to have a name instead of a letter. You’ve earned it.

Also? Very nice ass.

[internetdetectives]

August 3rd, 2019 - Chat with Moonman

moonman31 8:38 PM: “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82DJUDS_S7Y”

moonman31 8:38 PM: "I’m here”

Slinky stinks 8:38 PM: "any memepage on 2019 ^^^^”

moonman31 8:39 PM: “thank you thank you”

moonman31 8:39 PM: “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKFYrRLL__0”

Slinky stinks 8:41 PM: "the theme that plays when you figth with greth at the end of the genocide run”

Slinky stinks 8:41 PM: "v a p o r l o v a n i a”

otherLiam 8:47 PM: "ayy moonman”

moonman31 8:47 PM: "yo”

otherLiam 8:48 PM: "Do you mind if I ask you kind of a bummer question? I hate to harsh your mellow but it’s important.”

otherLiam 8:48 PM: "Sorry to just spring that on you.”

moonman31 8:57 PM: "uh ok buddy

otherLiam 8:58 PM: "Thanks.”

otherLiam 8:58 PM: "What happened to the rest of the Internet Detectives in your timeline?”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "this is uh”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "yeah wow”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "ok”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "well ok”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "the internet detectives were pretty active for a while”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "I wanna say until late 2017”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "maybe early 2018”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "and they just disappeared.”

moonman31 8:59 PM: "well most of us”

Slinky stinks 9:02 PM: "wow, im sorry to hear that.”

ARGdov 9:02 PM: "Jesus”

ARGdov 9:02 PM: "Who was left? You and anyoen else we might know?”

moonman31 9:04 PM: "uh yeah, there was me, IA, Yugi, and Nocta”

moonman31 9:04 PM: "those were the only ones who didn’t vanish”

ARGdov 9:06 PM: "Wait”

ARGdov 9:06 PM: "Yuki?”

moonman31 9:07 PM: "no, Yugi”

moonman31 9:07 PM: "He was the spanish guy I mentioned before”

ARGdov 9:07 PM: "Oh, ok..that does not ring a bell”

ARGdov 9:07 PM: "Ah”

Slinky stinks 9:07 PM: "sorry im outdated, who is exactly yugi”

moonman31 9:07 PM: "He was def spanish because his english was not great and posted spanish memes”

moonman31 9:07 PM: "but he liked Yugioh, so”

otherLiam 9:08 PM: "We haven’t met Yugi yet, Slinky.”

otherLiam 9:08 PM: “That’s terrible, man. I’m sorry that happened. You say they “vanished”. “

otherLiam 9:08 PM: “Do you mean like, they just left the group and didn’t come online anymore, or full on missing-person-case dropped off the earth irl?”

Slinky stinks 9:09 PM: "ah, also, im so sorry about that”

ARGdov 9:09 PM: "Im wondering, then”

moonman31 9:09 PM: "I can assume they are dead because they vanished.”

moonman31 9:09 PM: Most of them have grieving families.”

ARGdov 9:10 PM: "Do you know what ID was doing at the time?  What were they incestigating”

Slinky stinks 9:10 PM: "well if we follow the time, late 2017 was when…”

ARGdov 9:10 PM: "Im gonna check our records, see what we were doing at the time”

moonman31 9:10 PM: "I’d rather not think too much more about it to be honest with you. But I’ll answer what I can manage.”

Slinky stinks 9:11 PM: "sorry about that”

ARGdov 9:11 PM: "Thats understandable”

moonman31 9:11 PM: "That being said I don’t honestly remember what the goal was at the time, I always had a foot somewhere else doing other shit.”

Slinky stinks 9:11 PM: "when the video . was uploaded”

ARGdov 9:11 PM: "Im just wondering what was different, in your timeline”

otherLiam 9:11 PM: "Yeah don’t push it man, I know this is hard. I hate doin’ this to you.”

ARGdov 9:11 PM: "It seems like it was several things already”

Slinky stinks 9:12 PM: "around the Un 2017 i guess”

ARGdov 9:12 PM: "But if we can pinpoint more details we can better understand whats going on and how we can help”

moonman31 9:12 PM: "a lot of stuff seems the same as far as i can tell, except the names of IDs and various events are dramatically different”

Slinky stinks 9:12 PM: "what was IA name on this timeline?”

moonman31 9:12 PM: "also I’m under the impression there was no Nocta in your perspective of the group”

Slinky stinks 9:13 PM: "yeah, kevin was…”

Slinky stinks 9:13 PM: "not here”

ARGdov 9:13 PM: "So the person were p sure Nocta is was never in ID”

ARGdov 9:13 PM: "He was a member of the LC, kinda ascended and became a master of Jid, where all the ascended souls were kept”

Slinky stinks 9:13 PM: "yeah”

ARGdov 9:14 PM: "So thats uh…notable. It raised a lot of questions”

moonman31 9:14 PM: "as far as IsocelesAssassin I’m pretty sure he’s CircleHunter to you guys”

ARGdov 9:14 PM: "Oh wow”

ARGdov 9:14 PM: "That”

Slinky stinks 9:14 PM: "ah”

ARGdov 9:14 PM: "Makes sense”

Slinky stinks 9:14 PM: "the name”

ARGdov 9:14 PM: "But is still kinda freaky”

ARGdov 9:14 PM: "Wow”

Slinky stinks 9:14 PM: "yeah”

ARGdov 9:14 PM: "Yeah lol”

otherLiam 9:14 PM: "When did Nocta join your side’s ID?”

Slinky stinks 9:14 PM: "ive thougth abou it this morn lol”

ARGdov 9:14 PM: "Im wondering, then”

moonman31 9:15 PM: "Uh Nocta joined us kinda late”

ARGdov 9:15 PM: "Did an event take place on 11/11 at any point by you guys?”

moonman31 9:15 PM: "after the bullshit with youshouldnthavedonethat.net”

moonman31 9:15 PM: "like in 2017”

moonman31 9:15 PM: "early 2017”

ARGdov 9:15 PM: "That went down for us mid to late 2016”

ARGdov 9:15 PM: "But im assuming it was more or less the same bullshit”

ARGdov 9:15 PM: "Were still not sure what happened there”

moonman31 9:16 PM: “no the shenanigans with that line up”

moonman31 9:16 PM: "as far as I can tell”

moonman31 9:16 PM: "Nocta dipped in shortly after”

moonman31 9:16 PM: "in early 2017”

ARGdov 9:16 PM: "Hmm ok, maybe Im misreading something.”

ARGdov 9:16 PM: "Nonetheless”

ARGdov 9:16 PM: "So, im wondering”

ARGdov 9:16 PM: "Things got kinda weird after all that by us too”

ARGdov 9:16 PM: "Like were all still a little lost. Timelines converged, history mightve been changed, etc”

ARGdov 9:16 PM: "Early 2017 wouldve been when our greth got wrapped up in everything more seriously, i think”

otherLiam 9:18 PM: "I think it’s important to know what exactly happened in your side’s version of that event, since it seems like that’s where shit diverged.”

otherLiam 9:18 PM: "Did you guys vote to use the kill switch?”

ARGdov 9:19 PM: "Thats a good question”

ARGdov 9:19 PM: "Did you guys vote yes on the kill switch?”

moonman31 9:20 PM: "Honestly”

moonman31 9:20 PM: "I am gonna have to talk to someone about that”

moonman31 9:20 PM: "I can’t really remember.”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "Alright, well, let us know once you find out :/”

moonman31 9:21 PM: "When most of your friend group dies other shit seems irrelevant even when it clearly is.”

Slinky stinks 9:21 PM: "yeah dont worry”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "We get it”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "Youve been through”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "A lot”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "More than any of us”

Slinky stinks 9:21 PM: "that is some hard shit, so if you dont remember, we understand” 

ARGdov 9:22 PM: "Weve been involved and have been trying to help and save people but despite all that weve never truly suffered or been put at risk”

ARGdov 9:22 PM: "And once you were on AO im sure things didnt improve”

ARGdov 9:22 PM: "Which reminds me- how did you get invovled with AO?”

otherLiam 9:22 PM: "Like I said, don’t push yourself. Find out when you’re able.”

moonman31 9:23 PM: "Well Nocta sort of dipped out for a bit from ID. After that happened all the scariest shit went down.”

moonman31 9:23 PM: "I tracked him down myself and idk, I joined in because I wanted to see how he was doing.”

moonman31 9:23 PM: "I thought it was important to keep the connections that were still around going”

Slinky stinks 9:23 PM: "makes sense”

moonman31 9:23 PM: "Anyway he had set up a shittier version of AO by that point.”

ARGdov 9:24 PM: "Yeah.”

moonman31 9:24 PM: "I was worried about him but the more he let me in the more parallels with stuff I’d seen before, but more real to me. So I felt, in the crumbled spirit of ID that remained, I had sort of a g o d l y responsibility to make sure shit didn’t go too far.”

moonman31 9:24 PM: "Seems I failed lol.”

ARGdov 9:25 PM: "You tried, and thats whats important”

ARGdov 9:25 PM: "This is cold comfort I know but theres no way everyone can ever be saved. And those losses arent your fault”

moonman31 9:26 PM: "anyways the spirit of WH from my world lives in on in basically just me and IA now, though he’s… different, now.”

moonman31 9:26 PM: "Anyways I’m gonna bounce.”

ARGdov 9:26 PM: ”…alright”

moonman31 9:26 PM: “This was also fucking depressing.”

[sneezerodent-blog]

Here is the first chapter of my fanfiction of @jilliancares and @haleykinz!!! Sorry I can't make anything bold and professional looking :/ People in the Void Summary: Jillian finally finds the end of Tumblr, but it's breaking. Something about it draws her there, and she keeps going back. But then it starts talking to her. Warnings: none Word count: about 2.9k Prologue In the beginning, there was nothing. Suddenly, the black expanse of this nothing was blue, the calming blue of the Tumblr dashboard filled a section of the nothing. And soon it was full of people. Each of these people had gifts. Within Tumblr, there was a pen and a keyboard, the gifts these people possessed. Those with the keyboard entertained by creating worlds with their words, whether through stories or comments. Others, equipped with a pen, shared their imaginations through the characters they sketched, doodled, or drew. And thus Tumblr was born. But soon, the utopia that was created began to fracture. And this is it's story. Chapter one Jillian looked over her world, finally sharing the latest chapter of A Royal Pain. It was so satisfying to be done with another chapter. The story was coming along nicely, and she was quite proud of it. So many people had come up to her lately, saying they had liked it. Every time someone said something like that she felt so grateful for the community that was created by her stories. As she walked​ through Tumblr, she saw lots more people thanking her. Some asked about a certain scene to come up in the story sometime in the future, and some complained about cliff-hangers. “Just wait. I'm winding you up like a wind up toy!” she exclaimed in response to one. It was all good fun, but she would have to leave soon. She couldn't stay in Tumblr forever, as much as she wanted to. Well, she would walk just a bit farther and then go back. What could happen? “Phan gifs, phan gifs, phan gifs….” she walked down her posts. More Phan gifs. She was quite fond of the couple after all, which why she had written so much about them. There was so much content here. She never found herself able to make it all the way to the end. More phan gifs, more fans (she felt so grateful to everyone who read her stuff!). She was so caught up in her gratitude and her obsession with Phan she didn't recognize the feeling of dread slowly spreading through her brain. Maybe it was time to stop. With a last reply to an ask, she turned and headed back to the exit. The blue dashboard and posts of Tumblr merged to a different world. This was where she accessed everywhere from. She called this room her computer. Her computer led to different places through a variety of doors. One led to the “real world”, one led to the internet, one led to Docs, where she wrote arp and other phanfiction. There were others there too, but Jillian didn't care to look through them at the moment. Right then it was time to head back to the real world. “Hey Jillian!” it was her mom. She had the uncanny ability to know exactly when Jillian was back. “I've got some steak and cheese subs if you'd like some.” “Of course! What's the occasion?” Jillian responds. Her cat, LC, sneaks past her leg and she scoops her into her arms. “I just know you like them, and I picked some up on my way home.” Jillian walks over to her mom, setting LC back on her feet. The sub she takes from her mom is still warm in her hands. She joins her mom at their kitchen table. “What were you working on today?” her mom asks. She always tried to learn what Jillian did during all the time she spent on the computer, and the only answer she got was… “Still writing.” It wasn't completely a lie. She had worked on arp a little, but if her mom were to find out about all of the smut… it wouldn't end well. “Are you ever going to let me read what you're writing?” “Maybe.” Never, but she wouldn't tell her mom that. Jillian reaches for the pocket of her pants and grabs her phone as her mom walks out of the room. Jillian sits in the kitchen by herself, scrolling through her phone as dog, Vance, begs for a bite of her sub. ------------------ /What are you doing?/ - Anon. /Just writing./ - Jillian. /Nice./ - Anon. /Hoping to get done with another chapter of arp today./ - Jillian. /I'll let you get to it then./ - Anon. Jillian stands in her writing program, the section of the chapter she'd already written floating in front of her. The words she'd been trying to string into a sentence floated behind her, whirling around to the sentence in front of her eyes when she needed them. It was almost eleven thirty on a Friday morning, and Jillian was feeling pretty good. Sentence after sentence she wrote, the words going together more smoothly and quickly as Jillian kept writing. It only took her about forty five minutes more before she was done. As she saved the file, the long paragraphs of her words that stretched upwards condensed into a small box that she could hold. When she put this box in her Tumblr, it would share with all of her fans. But that wasn't due until tomorrow. Jillian stretched as she walked out of her writing program, back into her computer. She paused, considering her options for the rest of the day. She was on break from school, so she didn't have to do anything dealing with that. She could go on Tumblr, but instead she decided to read a book in the real world. Maybe later she would watch some Dan and Phil to get inspired. As usual, her mom knew right when she was back. “That didn't take you very long. Do you want some lunch?” Her mom asks. Normally Jillian wrote for hours at a time, and then went back and edited. That made her realize she would have to go back and edit before tomorrow. “Nah, I'm not hungry.” Jillian responds. She pulls one of her favorite books off the bookshelf, and goes to her room to read. ----------------- /Jillian get into Tumblr now. It's urgent. Jillian!! Jill!!!! Jillian!!!/ - ~Red. /What could be so urgent that I have to do it now?/ - Jillian. /I have a question for you./ - ~Red. /When I finish this chapter./ - Jillian. Jillian only picked up her phone because it kept buzzing. ~Red even called her to get her attention, but Jillian didn't want to leave her book. It was just getting to the good part, and Vance had snuggled up next to her. He was warm against her side. But she had told ~Red she would, so when she finished her chapter a few minutes later she went back to her computer. “What do you need, ~Red?” Jillian asked her friend when she found her. All she got was almost tackled, as her friend saw she was there. “OMG Jillian your cat!!!! It's so cute!!!!!! Mkay that's all I got.” ~Red says. “Except Kristen and Rachel are over there, maybe you should go say hi?” “Wait, really? They're like so cool!!” Jillian says. “Would I be able t---” ~Red forcefully shoves her in their direction. “Just do it!” she says, before walking to the other side of the dash. Jillian takes a deep breath, deciding what to say. “Oh, Jillian, there you are! Someone asked me how I feel about arp, and I wanted to tell you! It's one of my favorite fics at the moment!!” Rachel says. “Omg… thank you?! I'm sorry I haven't seen you before now, but just thanks!! ILY!!!” Jillian responds. She could feel the blush on her cheeks. Someone walks up between her and Kristen. Another Anon. “Hey guys, I just want to say that I ship you two and cafephan.” They say. “Aww, ILY! We should get cafephan over here!” Kristen says. “Oh, thank you! I love being grouped with Kristen because she's so much cooler than me.” Jillian replies. Anon walks away with a wave as Kristen walks off to find cafephan. Jillian decides to see if she can find the edge again. Still feeling giddy from talking to Kristen and Rachel, Jillian greeted fans and friends with enthusiasm. She answered asks when she saw them, and just generally made progress through her dash. After a while of scrolling, she finally makes it back to yesterday's posts. With the same Phan gifs, there was the feeling of dread creeping back to her. Something was wrong. Where there sound have been another gif of Dan and Phil seemingly summoning a demon, there was only darkness. Darkness that seemed to be growing closer to her in streaks. What was happening? “Jillian? Why are you over here?” asks someone from behind her. It was her friend and fellow writer, Anon. “I'm not sure. There should have been a gif about Dan and Phil here, but…” she gestured to the empty space. The giddiness left her as the uneasy feeling grew. “Haven't you heard? The edges are dangerous. They're always breaking.” Anon explains. Jillian looks thoughtfully over the darkness that was spreading over her dash, making it crumble out of existence. “How long has that been happening?” Jillian asks. But before Anon could answer, something loud began to creak. The dash beneath Jillian’s feet started tilting towards the darkness. “Jillian, get away from the edge!!” Anon yells. She reaches forward and pulls Jillian back by the arm. “Uh…” where Jillian had been standing was nothing but blackness. The post from a different Anon had tumbled out of sight, leaving only the fracturing nothingness. “The edge will keep falling if you stay on top of it. Why don't you come back over here? I think some of your fans have some questions for you.” ---------------- “Jillian, why are you by the edge? I thought you promised me you wouldn't come over here anymore.” ~Red’s voice rang out. Jillian looks over her shoulder at her friend. “You know how I feel about this place.” Jillian just shrugs and looks over at the void. She rests her head on her knees which were pulled to her chest. ~Red walks over and sits beside her. “Why do you come out here, though? There are lots of other things you could be doing. You know lots of people are excited for the next chapter of arp.” ~Red offers. “They'll get it on Saturday, I'm not going to miss a post.” Jillian responds. “Seriously Jillian, I'm worried about you. What if one day it cracks beneath you and you fall into the void? Anon told me how it almost did when you first came here.” ~Red demands. “But it didn't!” Jillian exclaims. “Why don't you go write a one shot? Those are always fun, aren't they?” Jillian just puts her head back on her knees. Ever since she had first found this place, she had often returned. Something about it…. Maybe ~Red was right, there was a one shot she hadn't worked on since Halloween she could finish. “Fine. If you ever need to talk, you know where I am.” ~Red says as she walks away. As soon as she's gone, Jillian starts hearing the voices. Jillian had never sure if they were really there it if they were just in her head, even from the beginning. The things that they told her fascinated her, they drew her back to the dashboard’s edge. Or was it just a nice place to be? No one came out here… ~Red was right, her obsession with it was a bit worrying. But the things that voices whispered was worth it. “Oh gosh, it's getting late. ~Red was here for longer than I thought.” Jillian says to herself. She stands and hurries away, the voices growing fainter in her head. One of the faintest makes her stop. She wasn't even sure she heard it. “You can save them, you know.” What did that mean? Who needed saving? Everyone in Tumblr was free to come and go as they liked. It didn't make any sense, so she just ignored it and kept walking back. But the thought picked at her. Who needed saving? Where were they? Why could Jillian save them? She was just a girl in Tumblr that wrote phanfiction and interacted with her fans. “Oi, Jillian! What's up with the long face?” Anon had tapped on her shoulder, and Jillian didn't notice. “Oh, I'm just thinking.” she responded. “About what? ~Red told me you went near the edge again. Why do you keep going over there?” Jillian just shrugs. She wasn't sure for herself why she bothered walking all the way to the edge just to hear voices she didn't know were real. “Well, I've got to edit before I need to post arp. I'll talk to you later, ok?” Anon nodded and walked away. Jillian watched her go, but still didn't move. -------------- You can save them, you know. It haunted her in the real world. It haunted her while she wrote. It haunted her while she walked. It haunted her everywhere. And people noticed. “Jillian, seriously. /What. Is. Wrong./” Anon and ~Red had staged an intervention. And it was going to make her late to posting arp, when she had worked so hard on making sure it was edited in time. It wasn't easy, since her thoughts kept going back to the single sentence. Arp wasn't dealing with saving people anymore, it was almost done! But somehow the sentence wove itself into the mix, and Jillian had to hunt it down and remove it. The task was exhausting. “Guys, I've told you. I. Am. Fine.” Jillian insisted. “And if you don't let me go, I won't be able to post arp in time!” ~Red looked a little persuaded by that, as she was an avid fan, but Anon wouldn't have it. “Not until you tell us what's wrong.” Anon said. “It's nothing!” “Then why are you always sneaking off to the edge whenever you're not busy?!” “That's none of your business.” Jillian says quietly. Anon folds her arms, not believing any of it. “Stuff like this used to be our business.” Anon snaps. She stomps away, leaving ~Red there with Jillian. “I'm sorry about her. But we really are worried about you.” ~Red quickly embraces Jillian before following Anon. Everything they said was true, though. She still went back to the edge at every chance she got, and left begrudgingly. She had begun talking to it, too, trying to know what it meant. It's charming words at the beginning began to turn scary, but she still went back. “It's nice to see you again, Jilliancares.” it says. Jillian sits right next to the edge, her feet nearly dangling off it. “Tell me what it means.” “It means what it does, my dear. Only you can save them, but it will take lots of effort.” “That doesn't help me!” “What are you yelling at? See this is just what I mean when I said you're acting strange!” Anon had followed Jillian when she walked back to the edge. Jillian had kept looking over her shoulder for Anon and ~Red, but there were a lot of other people. She could understand how Anon followed her unspotted. Anon sits as close as she can to Jillian without being too close to the edge. “I wasn’t yelling at anything.” “So now I have to worry about you yelling at nothing?” “Anon…” “Why won't you tell me?” Jillian looks out into the darkness, the void that stretches forever in front of them. “Have you ever come out here by yourself?” Jillian finally asks. Anon things for a moment, obviously surprised by the question. “I can't say I have…. When I first found this place I came with ~Red. After that everyone said that I shouldn't come back.” “Are you going to tell her our little secret, Jilliancares?” the voice rings in her ears. “Did you hear that?!” Jillian exclaims, jumping up. “Hear what?” Anon looked absolutely puzzled. “Ugh, are you only talking to me?! Is that why I'm the only one who can save them?!” Jillian yells at the darkness. Anon rises to her feet. “Who is talking to you? Jillian, what is happening?” Anon pulls her friend so their eyes meet. “Jilliancares, she doesn't know. She doesn't have to know. She's just another Anonymous, but one you've grown to love.” the voice again. Jillian looks out in the void, then back at her friend. All of Jillian’s confusion was reflected on Anon’s face. How could Jillian explain this if she didn't even know what was going on herself? So instead of trying, she just ran. “Jillian!? Where are you going?!” Anon yelled after her. Jillian shoved everyone out of her way, ignoring their complaints, not listening to anyone. She nearly ran into Kristen, but she didn't even care about that. She only stopped when she got back to her computer. “Why won't you just tell me?!” Jillian wails. But nobody answered. She runs her finger through her hair, considering screaming again, before just slumping against the wall in defeat. “If it's not going to tell me…. Why should I trust it?” Jillian thinks out loud. “I've trusted my friends for way longer than I've even known the voice existed!” Something pops up in front of her. It was a text message from her mom. /It's time for you to get off now, sweetie. I have cheese and steak subs again because you looked out of sorts today.

[shslshortie]

Little log 8/9 (please ignore)

Again, this has absolutely nothing to do with like any of my followers, so please ignore it cuz it'll just clog your dash.

Luckily, I'm posting this at 4:57 am, so not THAT many people will have to see this.

BUT Kaja asked how this whole thing was going, so I figured I'd update this thingy with the stuff that happened Saturday and Sunday.

Current list:

1) Christianna

1) Kelsey

1) Rae

(Everybody else is mostly the same?? Or my opinion hasn't changed THAT much to where I need an update on them)

I don't know how to do a read more on mobile???? So sorry?????????

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, so Saturday was rough for me. This weekend had a lot of things kinda up in the air, and most of them didn't turn out the right way, so I was not in a good mindset.

But while I was alone and upset and feeling fairly unwanted, OUT OF NO WHERE WITH NO PROMPTING, both Christianna and Kelsey were texting and snapchating me like everything was completely normal (which it was for them). This was amazing, because when I felt so shitty, they were still reaching out to me just because they wanted to, or because they had stuff that they specifically wanted to tell/show me. Kelsey was even saying how she wished I was a dance major just so I could have been with her at the dance major watch party. And she was the one who convinced me to go to the party on Saturday night. (Which was not good, especially since she ended up leaving with the only other member that I've heard she wants as her big, so YIKES). ((I mean if Madison (the member) wants Kelsey, there is literally nothing I would be able to do to stop her from taking her. Everybody would want Madison if they thought she would want them, and I wouldn't even be able to be mad about it, because she is perfect))

So I happy cried over both Christianna and Kelsey because it made me feel wanted by both of them, and kind of solidified the relationship I want to have with them. A two way street of care and love, where even though I will basically be their mom, where at the basis of our Big/Little relationship, we are still really good friends.

And with Rae, last week she was apparently looking for me at the tailgate because she didn't know anyone else there, and because I was the only one who she felt comfortable around who wasn't black out drunk. (Bad thing was, I showed up real late and she had already left, BUT I ended up seeing her in the stadium and we talked for a bit!!) And yesterday and today she was asking me for advice about guerrilla; and me being the Pledge Mom™ that I am, offered to bring any pledges who wanted it food/coffee while they were waiting in line for guerilla sign ups. I ended up staying the whole time??? (Which was stupid and unnecessary but it was fine) and for most of it, she was just telling the other pledges how wonderful I was.

This is a huge ego boost, but the problem is that if these rankings stay the same for me... I have no idea who I would pick. Because if I decided to put Christianna and Rae as my #1 and #2, I would probably have guaranteed twins with both of them. Currently, I want Kelsey a bit more, just because I feel like it would be a better Big/little relationship, since Rae doesn't drink or do a lot of stuff like that, and I don't want to end up with a little that judges me or is ashamed of me. BUT I know that if I end up putting Kelsey as like #1 because I want her most, and put the other two at 2 and 3.... I might not get any of them... and even though I feel like I would get at least 1 little that I love, even if they aren't on my list... I don't want to mess it up with any of them because I made a mistake in ranking.

So long story short @ me:

Christianna: I'm like 90% sure I'm gonna get her. We are planning a guerrilla act together, and I was the first/only person she thought to ask. She doesn't know that many people, so I have absolutely no clue who else would be on her list. AND WHEN I WAS COMPLAINING I DIDNT HAVE ANY BLUE GLITTER, SHE SAID SHE HAD SOME THAT I COULD USE. and especially with my reputation in APO (my fucking pledge name was Sparkle Tits for crying out loud) there's no way it wouldn't be a match.

Kelsey: I love her, and we snapchat all the time, and she is super fun, and we will be going on a second pledge date soon. I'm just worried because she might want a Dance big, especially if she ends up with Claire as her dance honor society big... so I'll just have to figure out if she wants Madison or not and if Madison wants her. Which is what I'm stressed about, cuz I thought Madison would want someone like Blaire or Olivia or Emma or Nicole (the upperclassman dance majors who are pledging). And since she's 1) a senior, 2) is in a sorority... I can't imagine that she will take twins??? And she hasn't even been around that much?? Only at guerrilla and popping in at parties??? So like??? HOPEFULLY I can hear the whole situation when we have family brunch.

(Which is a WHOLE different monster of stress)

Rae: love her, and she's very sweet, but what people usually think of her as is a little pompous or know it all or above it all, which isn't really true. She just doesn't drink/party, and doesn't really like it when people do. She can tolerate it, which must mean she doesn't care that I do/has never been able to tell when I've been drunk (cuz I've definitely been drunk around her at least 3 if not 4 times). And she has a very matter of fact way of talking, which kind of stems from her education/how she wants to go all the way to get her PhD and her interests, which can make it seem like she's being short with you. And I don't have a problem with it, but like I'm not entirely sure if I would be the best big for her needs??? But we've talked a lot about makeup and dance and everything, and she's been very grateful whenever I've done anything for her or offered her help, and has reached out a lot, which is probably why I'm more drawn to her right now.

Again, the biggest stressor right now, is trying to figure out the order (which Luckily, I don't have to figure out until at least the 25th, if not the end of October) so that I feel like my twins both have me as their #1, and that they are who I want. Because originally, I was very much keeping my mind open, so that I would be happy and love whoever I got. Of course, if I got someone else, that means that they wanted me, I just might still be hurt or a bit upset if I was dead set on having a particular pair, and ended up with someone else. Because the biggest thing is, I don't want to be that big that has an obvious favorite twin and an ignored twin -- because looking at it last year, it fucking SUCKED when I saw some of the pairs, and I felt bad for some of the twins because of how obvious it was. Overall, it matters what the pledges want, so no matter what, I will do my best to make them happy, give them all the love they deserve, and give them the best APO experience.

Last note:

Holy hell am I stressed about this upcoming family brunch. We've been trying to plan it for 2-3 weeks, and it still hasn't happened yet. I'm very worried specifically because I don't want to be split off from the Peyton-Carli line just because LC is gone. Unless EVERYONE in our family gets twins, we wouldn't be strong enough on our own. Peyton and Carli would be fine, and could even still be too big. But for LC's line, it's just me and Brannon who are going to take littles. (IF MARISSA TOOK A LITTLE I WOULD BE FUCKING SHOOK. Girl Peyton could, but I would highly highly highly doubt it) and that would mean it would be like 4 people on that stage, maybe 5, maybe 6. Plus I don't want fake to split again, unless we did Peyton, Carli and LC all separate, and then came back together once everyone was done.

I also am stressed because at the very least, the entirety of Fake Fam (16 active members who attend UA currently) could theoretically take 32 new littles. At the very least, it could be 7, but it would most likely be between 10-17. That is a LOT. Which means that unless we all did the same thing (instead of the same theme like we did last year) it would be super fucking difficult to coordinate a reveal.

Finally, I'm stressed because I don't know who everybody wants???? And I KNOW that will be a huge big deal at brunch because Carli and Peyton are literally in charge of assigning Big/Little pairs for the entirety of APO. So hopefully, that means they will put us on high priority... but it COULD also mean that theyre gonna put their littles/grand littles/future ggrand littles on high priority above LC's line. ESPECIALLY if some people on their side wants the same people as Brannon or I do. (Cough cough Madison).

Best case scenario, Carli just goes around and asks everyone "do you want twins, and who do you want" and nobody has any issues with anybody else's picks.

Bad case scenario: the first thing they bring up is a split. Madison wants Kelsey and only Kelsey. I end up getting 1 little who is a random, and Brannon gets none. And drama happens where people start explaining why certain people shouldn't be a big little pair.

Well, here's hoping that it all works out, and I figure things out further. ✌

[contradictoryenigmas]

2017 Postmortem: 10 Questions

As 2017 finally and mercifully comes to end, it is time to reflect.

Originally, I had a long piece talking about my experience of the past year. I got about 1200 or so words into the piece before deciding to do something else. It was a combination of feeling that I was oversharing in parts and the piece being too melon collie.

I’m not going to say 2017 was a complete sh*t year for me, unlike 2016. There was a fair amount of terrible, but there was also a lot of good that came from it.

I have decided to look back at the year by answering 10 questions.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

A lot my work was in the automotive realm with the majority being news and new car reviews. There was a small number of opinion pieces that I tackled this year.

At the beginning of the year, I delved into the disappointing Detroit Auto Show and looked into the possible reasons as to what happened.

Then in July, I pondered what is the right size vehicle for me. This stemmed from me looking at various compact vehicles.

Here on Contradictory Enigmas, I wrote about my writing troubles. I can report that it has gotten somewhat better, but there are still times where I struggle.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Getting my splint removed and given the ok to put weight on my right leg

Doing a massive clean out of my room (7 garbage bags full of stuff, 50-plus books being donated)

Beginning to work on a backlog of fiction reading

Almost filling out a notebook with just writing practice

Being able to drive one of my dream cars, a Lexus LC 500 towards the end of the year

What are you really glad is over?

Aside from the year itself?

I would likely say the feeling of being stuck and thinking that I will not be able to move on. Being in a deep hole, I try my best to climb/claw my way out, only to fall back down and having to start once again. Having this happen over and over becomes very demotivating. It makes you want to give up. But something in me persisted to keep trying. One day, you will be able to climb out.

At least right now, I still fall down. But I know, sooner or later, I will be able to get out.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

I could easily list some of the negative items. For one, I have become a bit more socially awkward. I get way too nervous after sending out emails asking about new work or making a phone call about possibly scheduling a vehicle for review. Talking to someone new is very uncomfortable and I try to avoid it. A lot of this stems from not getting out of the house as much as I would like to during the past year. Plus, I’m not sleeping as much as I used to.

On the positives, I have been working on taking time for myself to anything else other than work. There is a stopping point I have on every workday that I follow, along with taking Sundays off. The challenge now is trying to figure out what to do with all of this time, aside from binging Netflix and YouTube. Cutting back on social media has helped in terms of my mental health and avoiding the FOMO phenomenon. It has also reduced my cynical thoughts by a wide margin - except on politics, but there are reasons to that.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Surprised at how resilient I have become over the past year. This was brought to light when I was notified that a company I had applied for went in a different direction for a job. I was devastated by the news as I got really far in the application process.

Usually, I would dive into work as a way to distract myself from this. But this never worked, only causing more stress and direness. This time, I would decide to a break from work and just let feelings work through. I would lay down for a bit and then find various distractions. A day later, most of the anguish and sadness would be gone. To say I was shocked was a massive understatement.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Realizing that I shouldn't feel guilty for taking time off from doing work. 2016 was the year of me trying to survive. I was constantly working seven days a week to make ends meet. As much I as wanted to take a break, I knew that it wasn't going to happen. Aside from feeling burnt out, this train of thought would cause me to feel quite guilty for taking some time for myself.  But this changed within the first few months of the year. I could tell my creativity and quality in my writing was going down. Something needed to change. It has been hard to change this mindset that dictated my 2016. But slowly, I have been making time for myself.

Cutting back the amount of news I take in has also done wonders. 2017 has been a year where it everyone is trying to become more informed with various news sources and gobbling up every story. The problem with is you get the feeling that the world is coming to an end and nothing good is happening. For me, I stay up to date by listening/reading news summaries in the morning and early evening. I might not know everything that is happening in the world at a given moment and I'm ok with that.

The last thing is that I need to get over the hangups of asking for help. I worry that I'm being a bit of a pain and taking advantage of someone when asking for help. But there is a little voice in my head that tells me that isn't true. - you don't constantly bug people about possible new work or looking at a piece, nor have squandered any opportunities in quite some time. It is ok to ask for help, you just need to do it.

Who are the people that really came through for you this year?

The various editors that I worked with over the past year. They were all willing to take some time to go over my work to make them the best they could be. The editors would also take some time to talk with me about areas where I could improve and go over possible ideas. Any writer knows an editor is worth their weight in gold and I'm very lucky to have a few of them.

There was also the small group of close friends to help me get through the year. I'll admit that I feel terrible for not talking with them as much as I would like. But they would always seem to be happy whenever I would call.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Gotta Knock A Little Harder - Yoko Kanno and The Seatbelts, Cowboy Bebop: Knockin' on Heaven's Door: Future Blues

The closing song to the Cowboy Bebop movie has been on heavy rotation for me this past year. Some of the lyrics hit close to home.

Always keepin' safe inside Where no one ever had a chance To penetrate a break in

Let me tell you some have tried But I would slam the door so tight That they could never get in

Kept my cool under lock and key And I never shed a tear Another sign of my condition

Fear of love or bitter vanity That kept me on the run The main events at my confession

I kept a chain upon my door That would shake the shame of Cain Into a blind submission

It is a reminder for me that I cannot remain closed off from people. I need to be ok with being somewhat vulnerable, or else I'm locked up in a room of my own making and no one is coming to get me out.

The Rook - Daniel O'Malley

Trying to read any sort of fiction has been really for me. I tend to lose interest very quickly and not fully sure why. The Rook was one of the few fiction books that keep me interested this year. A secret agency that deals with supernatural threats and the main character who lost her memory - you have my attention. I’ll be reading the sequel sometime next year.

Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within - Natalie Goldberg

This book got me to start doing journaling with various ideas for pieces, stories, and other bits. I still need to finish the book though.

Promises - Monophonics

I only came across this song a few weeks ago and it has become one of my favorites. Something about this song makes want to constantly replay it once it ends.

What will you be leaving behind in 2017?

Setting unrealistic expectations on a number of things, "After I finish X, I can be happy," train of thoughts for example. Also, not trying to predict my future holds as it makes me miserable if it doesn't work out.

What are your goals for 2018?

The big goal for 2018 is figuring out who the hell I am.  In 2016, I felt that I lost the knowledge of who I was. Sure I am a human who is in their late 20s and writes about the auto industry and other bits. But other than those pieces, everything else about myself seemed to fade into black.

This past year has seen me pick up the various bits and pieces of myself in an effort to figure out who I am. It's a complicated puzzle where I have some of the pieces and trying to piece them together. There are a number of pieces that are missing - they could be somewhere else waiting to be unearthed or have faded away.

Next year is where I begin to put the puzzle together by working with the pieces that I have and also creating new ones to help fill in the gaps. I know that I will never be able to complete the puzzle, but I want to feel like that I have made some significant process, not starting at a giant pile and wondering what should I do.

Farewell 2017. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

[robertkstone]

Celebrity Drive: Kevin Millar, MLB Network

Quick Stats: Kevin Millar, MLB Network’s “Intentional Talk” co-host Daily Driver: 2016 Shelby F-150 (Kevin’s rating: 9 on a scale of 1 to 10) Other cars: see below Favorite road trip: Los Angeles to Florida Car he learned to drive in: Datsun 300ZX First car bought: 1998 Chevy Stepside

When MLB Network host and former first baseman Kevin Millar finds something he likes, he’s apt to evangelize it to his baseball buddies. That includes when he bought his new home and later when he heard about a Shelby F-150.

He got his major league buddies Jake Arrieta, John Lackey and Clay Buchholz to buy the vehicle with him.

“I had a 2012 Ford Raptor that I loved and it was 4 years old, and I’m such a car lover, so I go bob and weave every three years. And then the Shelby started saying they would bring out a truck in 2016. We ordered four of them,” Millar tells Motor Trend. “Six months later we all have different colors, but all the same truck, and they only made 500 of them.”

When he moved to his new neighborhood in Austin, Millar also got the three friends to buy a home on the same street. “I was the first one here, so I’ve been recruiting guys to come down to ‘Pleasantville,’ I call it,” Millar says, laughing. “It’s pretty funny. They’re all pitchers. I’m the only position player, so I always joke, ‘I’m the only athlete on the street,’ but really I’m not. I think we’re going to have a heck of a softball team in about 10 years.”

Millar gives the Shelby F-150 a 9 out of 10. “The reason it’s not 10 — it’s the first truck with 700 hp, but the torque is not quite as much as I thought it was,” he says. “Other than that, I love it. It’s a great truck. It’s basically their version of the Raptor that’s not EcoBoost.”

He likes how it handles and the suspension it has, for a truck is “remarkable.” “The look — it’s beefy. It’s got a 4-inch lift already on it,” he says. “It’s fast. If there’s one thing I was disappointed on, was just the acceleration immediately, but it is truly an awesome truck.”

Millar also likes that it has a lot of legroom in the back since he has four kids. For more torque, though, Millar acknowledges that perhaps an electric car is the way to go. “I’ve never been in that Tesla until two months ago. A buddy came down and said, ‘You’ve got to drive this.’ The g-forces in that, I had to stop accelerating because it felt like I was in a spaceship. Unbelievable. I might need to go to an electric truck and we need to come out with the first electric truck,” he says, with a laugh.

Living in Texas, pickup trucks seem de rigueur. “It’s like we think we’re really cool, I think we need trucks. I don’t ranch; I live on a lake. I just got rid of the Z06 Corvette; that was the 650 hp, 650 pounds of torque, which was the funnest car I’ve ever had. And Lexus just came out with this LC 500, which is their version of a sporty car, so I went and got that. Kind of mad that I got rid of the Vette, but it’s a really a cool car and it’s got 500 hp.”

2017 Lexus LC 500

Rating: 9

Millar got the Lexus a few months ago. “As far as a vehicle right now, it’s the closest to a 10 as you can get,” he says. “Obviously not being the fastest on the road, but handles great, comfort. It’s got a great look to it. I think they nailed it.”

Millar gives it a 9 because of its price point. “Sticker is $102,000. So it’s just right there if you wanted that tick above but yet you don’t want to go into the $150,000 vehicle, which is what the Porsche twin-turbos are,” he says. “Depending on what you’re looking for, it could be a 10. … My buddy just got a twin-turbo. That thing’s unbelievable, the 911. That’s another level of money.”

There’s one feature that seems like it wasn’t well thought out. “The only thing I don’t like about it is the electric start. They have apps now, so you can start it on your app. You can land from an airplane and go to your app and start your vehicle,” he says. “It will stay started for 10 minutes, but as you walk up to your vehicle, it turns off. You’ve got to restart it once you get in. So that’s a little odd.”

1968 Chevrolet Camaro

Rating: 10

Millar likes the 1967 to 1969 Camaros because the body style has a “beefy look” to it. “It’s got a little 350 crate engine that I put in there. Starts everyday. It’s nothing crazy, but it gives you the rumble like it’s a race car,” he says. “It has 2,400 miles on it.”

He had someone put the engine in, which is something Millar wished he knew how to do. “It’s the one thing I failed at in life — I wish I knew how to work on cars,” Millar says, with a laugh. “I’m the oil checker guy and that’s about it. I love washing them! I wash my own cars. I always keep a clean car. It’s something that I’ve done since I was a kid, so I do enjoy that aspect of it.”

The classic Camaro gets a perfect 10 from Millar, most of all for its exclusivity when it’s out and about. “It’s definitely the most talked-about car when you go get gas. One thing about a classic car is you could have $30,000 into it and more people come over and compliment it than if you drove in with a Ferrari,” he says. “It’s really a cool car. It’s fun. You don’t see a whole lot of them. It’s in really good condition.”

But even though it’s in good condition, Millar calls his Camaro a “10-footer.” “It’s beautiful from 10 feet away. It’s not perfect when you get up to it,” he says. “The lines on it aren’t perfect because when you start rebuilding cars like these — the doors have got to match up exactly to be a perfect score. But I would give it a 10 for people’s sight — they love to come over to it and look at it and talk about it.”

When he was growing up, Millar’s aunt had a 1967 Camaro when she was 16, and that car inspired him to one day get his own. “They’ve had that in the family to this day,” passing it down, he says. “… I said, ‘I’m going to get between a ’67-’69 Camaro and I’m going to keep it for my kids.’”

Millar’s idea was to get his own Camaro to let his kids drive when they turn 16. “I asked Uncle Wayne for it and he said he’s keeping it forever, so maybe I’ll have it in the will,” he says, laughing. “I loved it. They used to take me to school in it and I always thought that was the coolest thing in the world.”

Car he learned to drive in

Millar learned to drive in his dad’s late 1970s or early 1980s Datsun 300ZX hatchback around Valencia, California, where he grew up.

“It was a stick shift, so I learned to drive stick at a young age. I was into dirt bikes and go-karts, so I knew how to drive a stick from my dirt bikes. That was a big help,” he says. “These days, kids don’t know how to drive stick shift because it seems like everything’s automatic.”

Millar’s dad let him drive when he was just 14. “I grew up with go-karts from 7 to 12, so I knew how to drive. But we had a little convenience store a mile away from our house and he told me that I can go get some Dr Pepper for the family by myself, obviously illegal, at 14. So I was driving to the grocery store one mile down the road and it was the coolest thing ever,” he says.

Back then the streets were emptier where they lived, so that also made it really easy for a beginner driver. “We lived on a dirt road, our neighbors had horses,” he says. “Back then the roads weren’t paved, almost like a ranch area. You couldn’t hurt anything, but you were learning the left and rights, the brakes. So that’s where I learned. It’s where they shot The Dukes of Hazzard.”

Even though Millar already knew how to ride dirt bikes and go-karts, his dad taught him the basics. “We would drive out there on the dirt road,” he says. “Once you go in there alone, that’s a big difference without your dad next to you. … That was a big deal to drive stick at age 16. No power steering back in the day. … If you’re trying to turn and not moving, you had to have big muscles.”

When Millar turned 16, his own car was not the cool Camaro that his aunt had, but a red 1980 Ford Pinto. “It was the worst car you’ve ever seen, but that’s the way we rolled back then and it was really far away from a 1967 Camaro,” he says.

His mom went to a used car lot and bought the automatic Pinto for him to drive to high school. “It was $1,600. I’ll never forget the sticker price on it,” he recalls. “All my buddies were getting Nissan Sentras, the Supra, these IROCs. All the rich kids had really nice cars, and I got a Ford Pinto.”

A 1978 Ford Pinto is shown here

It was 1988 when he got the old Pinto, which seemed like a relic from another time. “We weren’t well-off by any means, and it was obviously the coolest day of your life getting some keys to your car to drive to school as a junior in high school, but you forgot that it was a Ford Pinto. So I used to get made fun of in the school parking lot,” he says, laughing.

Millar was constantly teased about the Pinto, and its unfortunate reputation. “There was a couple of stories that if you got rear-ended they would explode because the gas tank was in the back. That was the big joke,” he says.

But he had more pressing things to worry about when he got to school in it. “When you would shut it off, it wouldn’t shut off. It would just (makes a puttering sound), it would shake,” he says. “So if the girls were walking by and I had to turn the car off, I would just duck in my steering wheel. I didn’t want anybody to know. This car would shake and rattle for 10 seconds; it wouldn’t shut off. It was embarrassing.”

He got rid of the Pinto after a year when he saved enough money from working at batting cages, as well as getting a little help from his mom, to buy a 1982 Mazda RX-7, which had the license plate “Black Ice.”

“I thought I was so cool,” Millar says. “It had black interior; it was black; there was 60,000 miles on it. I remember paying $3,800. That was my big step — when my senior year came. … It was used, but that’s when I started making the step up. I’m like ‘Aha! Now I’m cool.’ ”

First car bought

Millar was living in Beaumont, Texas, when he bought a black 1998 Chevy Stepside. He had signed with the Florida Marlins, making his way up from the minor leagues.

“Back then it might’ve been $20,000,” he says. “I was able to make $150 a month payments on it.”

He stayed in Texas after going to Lamar University. “I had an apartment and got my first truck. I always took care of my vehicles, always kept them clean. It was my baby,” he says. “… When I got to the big leagues that’s when I went into the utility vehicle — a Yukon.”

The SUV was the vehicle that got Millar to Florida from Texas for the season. “It took 24 hours. So I would load up everything in my truck and then you’d go for the season, for spring training,” he says. “That’s why I ended up buying the truck because you can pack it up with everything, all your equipment and your clothes.”

Millar did that for five years, as well as driving it around during the season, since he couldn’t afford to ship it. “That was $1,000 to ship a truck, so I would just drive it,” he says.

While some cars have an emotional connection for some people, for Millar, it’s not that hard to let cars go. “Every time, to this day when I get rid of a car, there’s always memories in every car, and I’ve gone through probably 15 cars over the years, and they all have a little emotional attachment,” he says. Still, he likes to keep two, three, even four cars at a time. “Every couple years, I like to sniff out something in my price range.”

Favorite road trip

Millar’s favorite road trip was the one he took from Los Angeles to Florida one year. “That drive was 40-some odd hours and that was in that truck. I had driven out to L.A. and stayed out there and waited till spring training,” he says. “That was a pretty cool trip, driving cross country in the truck. … I always enjoy driving, listening to music. It always freed my mind to get ready for the season.”

He always looked forward to these long drives before the season. “You soul-search looking up those roads, especially when you get to Texas, and it’s 13 hours to get out of Texas. From El Paso to Beaumont it’s 1,200 miles. You can close your eyes for eight hours and not hit anything if you wanted to,” he says, with a laugh.

But that particular drive from Los Angeles to Florida was also emblematic of a time in his life when he was just starting out. “Obviously going through California to Arizona to New Mexico. It was the time of your life, that’s what you did and you enjoyed it.”

Splurge car

“My wife, after I got 10 years in the big leagues, she surprised me with a 2007 Porsche twin-turbo, which was $150,000,” Millar says. “They made 2,000 of them that year.”

They were living in Scottsdale, Arizona, at the time. They went out for sushi and when the valet threw him a set of keys and said, “Here’s your car, sir.” And Millar replied, “No, we have a Suburban.”

“It had a big red bow around it and this silver Porsche came driving around and then she said, ‘Merry Christmas.’ It was for Christmas. I cried because I’m like, ‘Who paid for this?’” Millar says, with a laugh. “She thought, ‘I didn’t know if you’re going to be happy or if you’re going to kill me.’ I was happy, of course, and then I was like, ‘Oh my God, I’ve never spent this much on a car in my life!’”

Millar thought it was “awesome,” though, and kept the car from 2007 to 2011. He got rid of it when he and his wife started having kids and moved to Austin. “It was great. It was the coolest I’d ever driven and owned,” he says. It coincided with his time with the Orioles. “We had that shipped out to Baltimore for the season, so I had that when I played with the Baltimore Orioles.”

Boston Red Sox and the 2004 World Series

At the time Millar helped the Red Sox clinch the World Series in 2004, he was already driving a Hummer H2. “They were cool and fun, and I just got rid of that car a couple years ago, so I had that one probably for a good 10 years,” he says. “I love cars now, I don’t get emotionally attached. I just think they’re fun and there’s so much cool stuff that comes out, so I’m in and out of them.”

Although he didn’t treat himself to a car when they won the World Series, he bought a motorcycle. “In 2004, after we won the World Series, we all bought a couple of these bikes. They were called Thunder Mountains. They were like choppers, a Harley engine,” he says.

Millar was into motorcycles and often rode his 2001 Harley Heritage Softail to Fenway Park. “I used to ride my motorcycle to the field when I was with the Red Sox in Boston — the Harley I still have. I’d ride to the stadium on the pretty days. That one’s tough to get rid of —because you can’t get the value. … If I was to sell it, it’d probably be $7,000 or $8,000. from PerformanceJunk WP Feed 3 http://ift.tt/2ywlaja via IFTTT