#i was so fucking depressed in august when i started this blog and while that hasnt changed MUCH

[lil-melody-moon]

I think I said I'll give my thoughts about Keith's biography when I'm done with it and I'm almost done. Only afterthoughts left to read, but I've read all about his life and it was devastating to see how much of a wreck he was at the very end. Longer talks under the cut - and additionally, if the anon bitch is scouting my blog, feel free to read it as well and shit yourself in the process

Either way, my dears, read if you're interested 💜

@jimmysdragonsuit13 I think you'll be interested!

And @burn-on-the-flame I think you've asked about the opinion on the biography? Wait, let me search *a few seconds later* Yep, it was you! Come and read my thoughts about the book, if you want 💜

So, since the day one of my dear mutuals @m-faithfull told me about Keith's biography by Tony Fletcher in the last year, I was persistent to get it. I had hopes that maybe it was translated to Polish, but as it turns out, probably only Pete's autobiography was so I ended facing the fact that I will have to read it in English. And that meant paying an insane amount of money for a new copy (120 zloties for a book! - around 31,39$ or 23,75£)

But one day I thought to search for an used copy, hoping that maybe some poor sod bought it before me and to my surprise there were two copies, one for 40 zloties (10,46$ or 7,92£) and second for 30 zloties (7,85$ or 5,94£). I opted for the 40 zloties one, knowing what state can used copies of books be. The lower the price the more possibility of it having missing pages, the cover torn off etc etc. Here came my bestie @juliearchery107 who wanted to buy me it for birthday, she did, we've met at 14th of August and since I've stepped my foot in the flat and got everything answered, started to read it.

And oh dear Lord is that book a rollercoaster!

It starts innocently - if we skip the foreword, which hints that it'll not be an easy read - introducing Keith as the charming child who was up for jokes, the one who later stopped attending school and wandered about until he got his first drum kit, had a few lessons on how to play them, joined Beachcombers and from there went to The Who to the band that meant everything for him, to then find the girl he fell for like you do when you first fall in love while finding your soulmate, following with showing a possessive and nasty jealousy towards her, fucking things up in their marriage, becoming so abusive that she finally left him, which lead to depression, more alcohol, more drugs, which then started to develop in very serious problems, them piling up in Los Angeles to the level of Keith becoming a wreck by the end in 1978, in the meantime, finding support in his girlfriend - who I have to say, I'm thankful that she was there for him even if I know how impossibly difficult it was for her.

The way things went down in his life can be traced precisely with this book and that just shows how incredibly well put it is and how the narration is not in any way subjective, but objective almost through the entire reading - foreword has author's thoughts and the afterthoughts, but that is a given. Yet, I have to praise such objectivity, because a lot of biography authors cannot help themselves but write their subjective opinions, pushing their perspective onto readers, instead of showing facts and trying to find one possible outcome of a situation that has various versions - and with Keith and the myths that are told about him, it was a hell of a work. It also shows sometimes that author is sentimental to a lot of things, as being stated in foreword that he himself is a fan of Keith and let's be honest. There's no one better to write a book about an idol then a long time fan who's dedication will never burn out.

As for my thoughts... The first 300+ pages were okay to read. I had a blast, laughing at various points, even going as far to share one of the moments that was the most funny to me on his birthday. But the last 200+ pages? Oh dear Lord... Just oh dear Lord.

Just by the photos I have a TON of I could realise that Keith was a wreck in 1978, but I've never fucking expected it to be this bad. I knew about the drug abuse, knew about the alcohol abuse as well, but I didn't expect it to be that bad - to the point of having a few attempts on rehab, failing at them, proceeding to have alcoholic paranoia, fucking seizures because of the withdrawal, insecurities, self-confidence, self-worth teared to shreds, memory almost gone - it's very typical for alcoholic to say one thing and then forget about it 5 seconds later and them saying: "I didn't say that" - depression, maniacal depression even appearing later on, developing a split personality disorder, being unable to be controlled by anyone while the fits of anger were appearing more and more frequently, cheating getting out of hand and I could go on and on AND ON.

Reading about all of this and not being able to tell you, or even not being able to take pictures of fragments to send to bestie to let her see how bad it was because I would have to scan those 200+ pages to let her understand the circumstances should say a lot. Never did I like any mentions of Keith relocating to Los Angeles and for a good reason. That city only made it far worse for him and his tale there only shows that maybe, just maybe, letting your dreams come true ain't that fun as you expect them to be. Some might be, but in most cases, they aren't. You always gotta keep going, always have a goal in front of you to keep going and if you reach the end of the road - like Keith did many times throughout the tale - you might just realise "That's it? Nothing else?" and not know what to do with yourself.

Additionally, this was double hard for me to read, because at the beginning of March I've lost a dear friend of mine. It was a tumblr friendship, I'm talking about Anja here - she went by the url whothefuckisanja - and I often joked with her that her alcohol problem - it was severe, very very severe - is similar to Keith's and as it turns out, my jokes about that were brutally real. She also developed drug addiction later on as well and her life started to fade away slowly, very slowly. I only recently, a few months ago, realised that I saw her happiness fade away, realising also that that one day where she thanked me for being her best friend the entire year - our friendship lasted a full year - being grateful as to no one else before that that was her silent goodbye and a solid thank you, before she met the same fate as Keith, only much much earlier. And I'm not exaggerating about "the same fate". She wanted to go sober, as I heard. Pills did it for her, she fell asleep and never woke up again.

She once said to me, because I was there, wanting to help her with her growing alcohol problem that got worse at December, even if it were only futile tries through text: "Don't try to help an alcoholic" and I might add to it "because it'll leave you exhausted and terrified while you see the beloved one become a wreck."

I can say that what I've read about Keith I've almost experienced with her. She was very similar to him in many ways, not only addiction wise, but she was also very fun to be around, very easy to be befriended, generous beyond belief, creative and most of all, a good person at heart. So this reading journey was almost like a reflection of the year from March 2023 to March 2024. I remember now that she once joked that she's Keith Moon reborn and damn you, you bastard if you were right.

But I also have to get back on track and say this: even if I said all of this above, I somehow felt that it was way to familiar. Not like with what I said about Anja, but more like "I lived through that" kind of way. I didn't feel this throughout the entire tale, but at the last 200+ pages I did, especially when the seizures started appearing. In the last year, when I wrote my first fic with me and him - not published - I pondered if he had any alcohol withdrawal symptoms and I somehow guessed the depression, insecurities, insomnia problem and seizures. I have no idea how I knew that, I just did, implementing them in the fic.

Could be a coincidence, but there are too many with him in my life. Yet, there was a moment where I've stopped reading. It was right at the end, at the description of the funeral, at the date of it, which is 13th of September, according to the book.

A year ago, on September, while listening to random songs on spotify, suddenly "Love ain't for keeping" started playing. I looked at who it was, saw The Who and I was tempted to give "Who's next" album a listen - I was taking small steps to giving them a good listen from May, but this was the final push. That was on 11th of September.

I wanted to listen to "Who's next" on 12th of September, but I somehow hadn't. I could have been busy, but I know for sure I somehow forgot about it and moved listening to the next day. On night from 12th of September to 13th of September I had a dream with Keith, from which I only remember that we've talked about something. Keith was very happy, overjoyed even and all of a sudden he started pinching my cheeks, wanting to make me laugh, which he succeeded at.

And then on 13th of September I've finally listened to "Who's next", my obsession truly started and then a voice in my head saying "Welcome home" was heard by me. It was a male's voice, speaking fluent English.

True, I was waiting for a moment that will make me stop in my tracks and like during the documentary I've watched about Keith, where I've got a grasp of his behaviour, I had to pause the video with the realisation that his behaviour was something I knew somehow, but I didn't expect to get obsessed about The Who and Keith at the exact date his funeral took place.

You may call me delusional, I don't care. It's just there's too many coincidences with him appearing in my life at certain moments that I start believing these are not mere coincidences - if certain ghost will start appearing at the beginning of September, as I took notice he did for the past two years, I will flip!

In conclusion, I love the book, will read it to the end tomorrow probably. I've cried at the end, less than the first time I heard about Keith's death, but I did. This book only made me love him even more and I truly will never stop loving him.

This is the exact image of my feelings to him after reading about his life - I'm the tiny pumpkin, answering on the question:

Credits to the artist who made it, not mine, I cant't draw this well XD

[rjalker]

Timestamps for Flashing lights and stuff in the 2007 Flatland Film, which you can watch on youtube for free.

The creator, Ladd Ehlinger is a virulently racist and misogynistic conservative who thinks feeding school kids is the same thing as slavery.

Please copy and paste these or share this to other websites, or even just make it a new post on your own blog. I don't need credit. I just want people to not have seizures or get headaches or motion sickness.

-

26:23-26:31 has his brain flashing and shaking as the camera zooms in on his neurons with dial-up noises playing until

27:20-32:10 a white light strobes across the screen starting at 15 seconds apart, then strobing when the king of Lineland demands A. Square prove what he's saying. All the while the people of Lineland light up whenever they speak. This scene ends with A. Square being peirced through the eye by the King of Lineland, and spinning rapidly until he wakes up in bed with his kids yelling.

38:10-16 has A. Square zipping through the marketplace so the talls go by in a blurry flash at the top and bottom of the screen.

46:09-46:25 The camera starts rapidly spinning to follow President Circle as he spins.

50:37-50:50 the camera spins and A. Square flashes white as A. Sphere pokes in repeatedly in the stomach from the 3rd Dimension. A Square is screaming during this.

51:19-51:52 The camera spins and flashes rapdily as A. Square is lifted out of Flatland.

58:49-58:52: The camera spins along with A Sphere a he leave Flatland again

59:16-59:20 The camera spins again

1:02:26-1:38:07 The camera spins as they come in to land at Messiah Incorporated

1:03:50-1:04:25 the camera spins again

1:04:33-1:11:45 The lights flicker irregularly throughout and flash as the desk shakes while A. Sphere types. The room also spins after 1:06-something.

1:06:10-1:06:13 light strobe as A Sphere takes flash photos of A Square

1:11:55-1:13:28 The camera spins as other characters enter enter the room, then as they descend in the elevator. Lights then flash as they fly and enter the room with flash photography.

1:13:28-1:19:15 Constant flahing light from endless flash photogragy at all time, plus the camera pinning. A. Square becomes incresingly more sicker from the force of gravity and falls over.

1:19:22-1:19:45 We zoom in on A. Square's spinning and glitching eye as the background swirls and spins.

1:20:40-1:21:46 Red lights flash as ships fire on eachother in the sky with lazers.

1:21:46 The screen flashes white as a bomb is dropped, and we see A Sphere's insides against the white background.

1:22:28-1:25:44 More flashing red and green lights as ships fire on eachother, then an explosion, and the screen begins to shake violently with more lights flashing. We see A Sphere's car, with a message highlighted on the screen, "A Sphere is dead! Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. No acceptance. Revenge"

1:25:44-1:27:08 A Square glitches as he falls back to Flatland, then falls through and into streams of white mathmatical equations falling past. The music gets louder than is necessary.

1:31:49-1:32:07 One of A Sphere's eyes pops out and the camera starts to spin.

1:34:24-1:34:47 The camera spazzes out and swirls around absurdly fast as A Square's wife roars to knock out all the guards.

1:35:38-1:36:01 The screen shakes as a smaller bomb goes off, then triangles in flashing colors stream past.

___

Edit August 20 2024: Ladd Ehlinger, the creator of the 2007 Flatland film, is disgustingly fucking racist and misogynistic. He is literally a proud conservative.

He made a political ad in 2011 that's literally so blatantly racist and misogynistic that youtube has literally restricted it so you literally cannot share the link outside of youtube.

Because it's that blatantly fucking bigoted. I wish I could say I'm shocked but considering how terribly the 2007 film handles the themes of the original novel, I'm not surprised in the least.

The ad literally has Black men chanting, "give me your cash bitch so we can shoot up the street", while a white woman, with the face of the politician the add is against photoshopped over her, pole dances as a sex worker

He runs a tumblr account so make sure you block him. His username is filmladd.

He's literally a racist misogynistic conservative.

For the love of all that's holy everyone please stop promoting this film immediately and make sure people are aware of exactly what kind of person produced it.

[breadboylovin]

28 :3

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

omg this question is JUICY. strap in yall im telling you guys the tale of the insane girl i liked in freshman year of high school whose antics landed me in therapy for like the past 4 years

under the cut cus idk how long this will get. also this is from this ask meme

okay so we met online thru the bts fandom. she lived 2 hours away from me and we had a 2 year age difference (i was 15 she was 17)

the first ?!!?!? thing about her was that she was writing like INSANE bts porn fanfic (and i mean insane like. everything she published had at least one ao3 content warning on it) despite being underage. i learned about this in like april 2018 but i was too head over heels for her to care. in june 2018 we finally met irl and went to a science museum and she told me about some of the insane shit she was writing IN THE FOOD COURT while i was trying to eat a shitty subway sandwich. like wow

anyway summer passes and we have a bunch of relationship drama. im not getting into it too much (ive talked enough about it in therapy LOL) but we didnt date, it was an unrequited love thing where she kinda just exploited me for validation cus she was super depressed. anyway at some point we start talking less but she sends me her tumblr discourse blog. and then in september 2018 i found out she blocked me from it so i checked why and SHE HAD TURNED INTO A FULL-ON TERF while pretending she was still cool with our basically all-trans friend group. so naturally i show everyone else and we kick her out of all our gcs. at some point after that she also detransitions (she was a trans guy before which was why i liked her. cus im gay)

so i dont talk to her at all after that because why would i. technically i sent her an apology for something that id fucked up on but that wasnt like... a normal friend conversation yknow. and i assumed that she had figured out that she fucked my whole shit up and i wanted nothing to do with her. but APPARENTLY NOT because in august 2019 i woke up one day with several messages from her on twitter where she was like "omg this new hurricane made me think of you (we both live in florida and this was when hurricane dorian hit us) ^___^ how have you been?? im doing so good im in [MY SISTER'S COLLEGE] for biology and having a great time"

needless to say i was flabbergasted. im pretty sure i had literally woken up from a nightmare ABOUT HER that day and now i had to deal with shaking with anxiety so bad that i could barely talk to my mom over breakfast. i initially tried to be nice and be like "haha wow i havent heard from you in a long time... ummmm if you see me on your campus while im visiting my sister please dont talk to me". but then i went to therapy that night and left mad as hell so the next day i told her off and was basically like "i want nothing to do with you and if you talk to me again ill throw rocks at you". and that was the last time i talked to her

last i heard about her online she had been run off of insane bts porn twitter for being a terf. then she started writing insane porn about figure skaters and got run off of THAT twitter circle too. i hope she never knows peace again god bless

[xxmoonch1ldxx]

I'm so grateful for this community, for the amount of nice people there are here and how accepting everyone is, but I've got to say, there's one thing I'm most grateful of.

This is just a long emotional rant so skip this if you wish, but I need to let it out my chest.

I've been going through a bad depressive episode; so much so that I even started taking meds for it. It started getting a little better, the meds were finally working a little and that's when I encountered Smosh.

I didn't imagine I'd ever fall this deep. I've had hypergixations before, dozens, but never in this way, and I didn't imagine it'd be about them. It was a complete accident, me stumbling on the we bought smosh video and just being curious.

Not for the first time, this new hyperfixations on two grown men with an adorable friendship made me want to write because everything is gay and that's because I decided so. Therefore, as I often do, I started writing a little on this new hyperfixation. Usually, I just end up giving up or writing a few fics before going back to my two other main fandoms (monsta x and bts, for those wondering). However, I decided that I needed help and a better opinion; I scrolled through the ianthony tag and fell on @lilac-hecox 's blog. She wasn't the first one I saw, but the one I felt compelled to write to, so I did. And I assumed she'd either blow me off or we'd just end up talking a bit before never talking again as this usually happens.

I wasn't ready to meet someone so fantastic and someone who I would very quickly deeply care about. I'm someone who hates texting consistently, who ends up panicking after a few days of thinking I got this and am socially capable because my social anxiety takes the reign. And yet, we started talking every day, of wayyyy more than just fics. And I found in her the kindest of soul, the most loving and funniest one. Someone who's not only amazing, but also, loves just like I do. And I don't mean romantically, I have a bf for that, but I mean someone who isn't afraid to be open and vulnerable if it means I also get to be with her. I'm someone like Ian usually, someone who looks anthipathic and who is a bit more stoic than most people, but with her, it's different. I laugh all the time and she's someone who literally heard me cry and comforted me while I did so. Which is a fucking miracle because I very rarely cry and hate showing the most vulnerable parts of me.

But she's always there, everyday, to make me laugh and talk. She's one of the kindest, most generous person I've ever met. She sent me a fucking box full of little things and American chocolate (I'm canadian) because I've said once I wanted to try. She bought us matching bracelets, one that I wear all the time and never take off. Hell, I'm getting a tattoo referencing her in two weeks.

And this is kinda crazy because we only started talking in August, but this feels right. I feel like I've known her all my life. And really, I say this in the most platonic of ways, but she truly is like my soulmate. She's one of the most talented writer I've ever met, too, and she helped me through that healing phase of mine. I've started writing a lot and posting, too, which I had stopped doing when I started being too depressed. She makes me believe that life is worth living and that there are genuinely good people around, still. She's not only kind to me but to others, too! Just in general, to everyone she knows, she's present and just so implicated in everything. She changed many people's life for the better with her job, too, without going into details, but that's amazing. She's the kind of person I wanna grow up to be when I'm at her age and she just aspires me to get better every day.

So I guess, all that to say, thank you to Smosh for allowing me to meet this gorgeous girl and establishing the ground of our friendship. Lilac is truly one of my best friends and someone who makes me feel alive in the best ways; I see her when the skies are orange, when I see kids playing in the street and having fun and in the stray cats wandering among my neighbourhood. I love you, dude, and I'm just so glad we met. Thank you for existing, really, because you make my life and a lot of others' better by simply being there and being your sunny self.

You're the Ian to my Anthony and the sun to my moon. I love you so much, pookie, and I'll never let you go. Promise one day we'll meet up for real <3

[sacnoth]

Oh right the friend I was feeling weird about almost 2yrs ago? Like where I was jealous about them literally just playing a video game with another friend without me?

Yeah that didn’t get any better, I still feel weird about them. This is some high school shit and I’m 30, like what the fuck. My brain needs to get it together.

I feel really bad because sometimes I sort of pull away a bit from our friendship because I’m trying to keep myself from saying anything dumb I’ll regret. And I think when I pull away like that they get worried they’ve done something wrong and while I’ve told them I’m just like that sometimes, even with friends I’ve known my whole life… that’s not the whole truth. Usually when I’m pulling away from friends, it’s all of them, and it’s because I’m depressed. But I’m pulling away from [redacted] specifically when I start catching myself maybe drifting into hypo territory bc if I say something dumb then I can’t really come back from that.

Which hasn’t been much of an issue recently luckily. One point like… last fall? Late summer? Maybe August? It was little yikes for a bit.

It doesn’t help that sometimes they undersell their achievements and so like any good friend I want to build them up and remind them that actually whatever they did was super impressive… but then the complimenting leads to them talking about their lack of self confidence in general…… if they ever got the slightest idea I maybe wasn’t feeling 100% platonic about them I think they’d go back and question every time I ever complimented them. Like a “oh they’re just biased bc they like me” or maybe even worse “they didn’t mean it, they were just saying it bc they like me”. And I absolutely cannot do that to them. I’ve thought those things about them for years before I started having the weird feelings. Always has been one of the best people I know.

But again, hasn’t been much of an issue recently, just was scrolling through my old posts on this blog and saw the one about them and felt like giving a rambling update on that situation.

[nopenotnownotever]

10/03/2024, 07:37 pm

Why do I use American dates on this blog? God knows lmfao

Sooo hi there! It's been over 5 years... that sounds so insane. A lot has happened I guess, so let's do a little recap!

Covid happened in 2020. A huge change for the entire world, but for me as well. The start of covid was the end of my teenage years, and truly kicked of my twenties. While being in lock down was rough, it did made me realise to change my college major. And now I'm sitting here with a bachelor in IT! yay!

When it comes to friends in college? Yeah no that never really worked out. Different kind of reasons, but one major one. So it's 2020, I switched majors, and I worked a lot to finally buy my first actual gaming pc! This was very exciting and I kicked it of by finally playing an MMO I've always wanted to play. Little did I know how much playing this game has affected me. It's insane to think about it, but I'm going to write it down here to process is at. I guess 16 y/o me was onto something when she decided to make this little rant blog.

So in this MMO, I made friends. And for the first time, these friends we're all a bunch of guys, and I was the only woman in the group (this enough should give you enough warning lmfao). These friends came and go, but there was one specifically that had a lot of influence on me, let's call him Spike.

Me and Spike met in the summer of 2021 in this game. We got along well and joked a lot! Then in October it happened: he confessed his feelings for me. This was such a wild moment for me: never would I have thought someone could have romantic feelings for me. Just look and the previous blogs: I was always worried about making friends, let alone lovers. I was so scared I even turned him down first. But after a few days I went "Screw it, let's give long distance a shot!". That was a bad shot.

Spike was head over heels over me very quickly. I really took a while to warm up to him and the whole idea of romance, but after a few months I did actually develop feelings for him. And once those feelings where there, I was in deep. Honeymoon fase felt incredible, I genuily cannot remember a point in my life I felt better. We even met up once in real life! But alas, this did not last forever.

In April 2023, Spike broke up with me. He couldn't handle the long distance. This shattered my world so much. Because why would someone end things with me if they still had feelings for me? The months after that were incredible rough. In September, he told me he still had feelings for me, only to go on a date behind my back. And when I confronted him, his real life friends harassed me. In November, he thought it would be a good idea to tell me how bad he feels about not being able to find any love in real life. It was a terrible idea, cuz I still had feelings for him.

Spike was, and still is, mentally unstable. Trauma, depression, that kind of stuff. But I was so, so clouded by my feelings for him. So when in January 2024 he approached me for a second chance, I said yes. Big, big, BIG mistake.

Of course it started of great! Back in honeymoon phase, I visited him in February, then I visited him in August, and then he broke up with me two weeks later! Wait what?

Yeah. This fucking guy. This absolute, mentally unstable, manipulator, bag of shit. September he broke up with me and oh boy, things did not go well, at all. He broke up with me saying that he had lost feelings. Two weeks after I visited him. This messed me up, BAD. I was convinced I was taken advantege of. Spend so much money on him, just for him to sexually take advantege of me and then break up. I struggled so hard with this, that I eventually reached out to one friend of mine to see if my struggle made sense. That's when hell broke lose.

My friend was beyond angry. He informed all the others in the friend group, and eventually confronted Spike with this. And guess what? Spike lied to me. He did still have feelings, but didn't want to give me false hope. He felt so embarassed that he left all online communities we were in. He is completely gone now. By lying and hurting me, he has lost all his online friends. Oops?

And now here I am, October 2024. The past few years I have completely focused on Spike. I got my bachelor by doing the bare minimum. I only have my best friend left in real life out of the friends I used to have. Although this is sad, I am glad it is him that I still have. A friendship which was so important to me back when I started this blog, I now know he will stick around forever, which brings me much happiness. But besides that, I don't have much else in real life. I am starting my first big person job next month though! I am afraid, but excited at the same time. And I do still have my online friends and the MMO that I still dearly love to this day.

Spike is gone for good now. We both decided on no contact, and I really hope he gets the help he needs, cuz dear god he needs it. I now need to work on moving on, and starting a life for myself. So yeah, that chapter that I started in 2020? I want to close it here. It is time to start the chapter about adult me, working me, maybe moving out me? And who knows, maybe one day I will find my person. Whatever happens, and how hard the past few days have been, I know I will be okay. It's gonna be hard, but I will get there. And if future me does open this blog again after 5 years, do give me an update. I hope your life is going well, you deserve it.

[manicpixieirl]

august 15, 2023

Today was a hard day. It didn’t start out that way, but it ended up veering off course, deviating from the plan.

Now that I’m at the day’s tail end, I can see that it was just a hard day, not very, very hard. I think I made it a little harder than it needed to be.

I had a plan, I had a plan, I had a plan. Life had another plan.

This morning, I ran over a rock, popped my back-right tire on my way out of town, and have essentially been crying since 9:30 in the morning. As I type this, it’s 8pm and I’ve finally settled down.

The aforementioned tire is not a metaphorical tire on the car of life- I deadass popped a tire on my ‘09 accord and it sent me into a spiral that has had me looking for reasons to cry all day long.

All day my brain has felt like a toilet bowl and my thoughts kept circling the drain of this shit morning -

Why me?

Why now?

Of course this would happen.

How could I have avoided that?

While I was busy beating myself up, my mom was in the other room, trying to help me come up with solutions when she could have been enjoying her vacation.

My mom, dad, and youngest brother came to visit for the week and I should have been happy to get a few more hours in with them while we waited on AAA. Instead, I was in the kitchen, beating myself up and feeling useless.

I kept telling her I was sorry for crying and freaking out, that I didn’t know what was wrong or why I was so upset. I had handled so many car breakdowns on my own before this.

How am I 27 and crying to mommy over a flat tire? Why am I upset about needing to spend money I know I have? Why am I giving a rock - a fucking rock (a thing that neither lives nor breathes) - this type of control over my day?

That’s because it wasn’t about the tire. It wasn’t about the rock.

I had felt a depressive low creeping in the night before; I went to bed at 8:30, that’s how I can normally predict the downshift in my mood from balanced to depressed.

I was so tired, then I woke up tired, and then I hit a rock.

I could feel this small deviation from my expectations of the day making me sink even lower, further within myself and away from the person who was trying to help me. I’m sorry, mom.

I kept telling myself I was

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

I’m so stupid.

When I should have been saying

Sad.

Sad.

Sad.

I’m so sad.

It’s hard to write right now, I want to be in bed, I want to be asleep, but I also owe it to myself to write about my day rather than forget it. I owe it to the people who are reading this blog. This is what a low day looks like; confusing stupid for sad.

How can I learn from it? I don’t know if I can. I think there will always be days where I feel stupid when I am really just sad. That’s a part of being me, being able to look back at my day and say “Man, I think that blown-out tire was harder to handle today because I am feeling low.”

Tomorrow is a new day, and I might pop another tire, and it might make me sad, but it’s okay to be sad.

I can’t just say, “that was hard, I was low,” and move on.

Instead I’ll say,

“That was hard,

I was low,

I forgive myself for being sad, sad, so sad,

and thank you mom for finding solutions when I couldn’t see past my tears.”

[frostbite-the-bat]

rambley post idk lol

NOTING STUFF TO MYSELF BC IM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE APPROX DATE WHEN GUZMA BECAME MY NAME IN 2018. THIS IS PERSONAL SO DONT MIND IT IM LIKE INVESTIGATING STUFF USING ONLY STUFF I SENT IN MY OLD PERSONAL DISCORD SERVER BC ALL THE OTHER SERVERS I WAS IN AT THE TIME R GONE... anyways!! this goes into other Guzma Lore As Well because I Have Bad Memory And I Like Looking Back At What I Used To Do

around in 2018, july, when i was on vacation...i was... NOT WELL! MENTALLY! AT ALL! LOWKEY DEPRESSED AS SHIT THERE! a lot of my uh.. past "drama" happened around that time, if you know what i mean. cough... and other than THOSE people i had... not many people to talk to so i said fuck it lets join a furry server! coz yknow im a Furry. (bad idea but whatever)

but WELL a few days BEFORE THAT i? randomly got hyperfixated on team skull/guzma during my general pokemon fixation? i changed my name to guzma for a joke and because i liked him a lot and some of my friends changed their name and icons to "grunt A" "grunt B" "grunt C" and so on. we memed around a bit and i kept this name - and then i joined the furry server. i began talking there a lot i mean i had literally almost 2k messages there in one day i did not leave the room we were staying at all i did that day was chat there and use the pokemon bot there.

thanks to these cool people i met... the name guzma just STUCK. without that server and without those people guzma wouldn't be solidified as my (at least online) name. and WELL. this was even before me accepting myself as trans and nonbinary so LMFAO.

and well i am not sure WHEN i joined the server but i spammed a bunch of team skull memes i stole from tumblr (i wasnt even active here?? im sure the acc i used back then is looong deleted also.) onto that discord server. that was july 17th. but im not sure if that was the date i set guzma as my name for the first time - just my brain rot starting. and i already had some icon edits by the 26th - so i began the inside joke around that time, i assume? not sure? which means i set my name that way there already? LIKE. BY THAT TIME I WAS ALSO DRAWING MYSELF IN GUZMA'S OUTFIT AND SUCH. LIKE. c'mon...

AND! OFFICIALLY BY THE 29TH!! I sent the icon i would use that i KNOW i used on the server a 100%. like when my name got solidified. wouldnt be it without it. so like.. i always say the day is the 29th even if i set the name guzma a while before that... its hard to SAY but i always just say that like... july/august is the Guzma Anniversary.

i know this Heavy Guzma Brainrot also went thru the entire august. then i got into... detroit become human??? then gorillaz which laster 2 whole years. which lead to the creation of this blog. and then its deletion. and then its recreation. yeah. but at that point i was just Guzma.

fun fact, this was like? my first post on my old blog in 2018. i wonder if its still reblogged somewhere on an old gorillaz blog despite my old blog being gone.

not sure why people rbd this its not funny

anyways also speaking of which. wanna know how i used to draw MYSELF. i cant draw myself as Human anymore thats Not Me The Guz Beast but PLEASE LOOK

you can smell the gender identity crisis from them so badly

[titan-fodder]

Hey, y’all. Just have a blog announcement.

I’ll start it off by saying I’m not leaving tumblr or this blog. That’s the bottom line, no room for confusion. I wanted to get that out of the way.

And, now I’ll elaborate.

I’m feeling a little burnt out. I’ve been trying and failing to write pieces for months while helping manage a big collab, and I’m just kinda tired. Stuff that used to be fun to write isn’t very enjoyable anymore (I guess that’s what happens when you write explicit smut for two years). I’ve always been of the mind that if you try to force something, it’s not gonna be great quality, and I only wanna put out good quality content.

But, there’s also more.

I’ve been back in therapy for various reasons and recently started seeing a psychiatrist. First visit I was put on Prozac which is cool. I mentioned some other stuff and he made it clear that he also wanted to look into ADHD management—something that flew under the radar and remained undiagnosed for pretty much my entire life.

A couple weeks ago I started on Ritalin, and like… I can’t even explain how much easier life has gotten in such a short amount of time. I don’t live off of energy drinks, I stay focused, I’ve stopped biting my nails (which I’ve done forever), my inner monologue is coherent for the first time ever. It’s incredible. Like, I didn’t even realize how much difficulty I was truly having until I saw what it’s like to have a functioning fucking brain. I’ve had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my life, but already, I feel so much lighter.

Anyway, all of that’s to say that I’m just… in love with the outside world right now. I’m talking with old friends, I am obsessed with my wonderful husband. And, I’m enjoying it. I don’t have the urge to write when everything else is so good.

I still have projects I’d like to keep working on. My Big Bang fic, A Force of Nature, will still be posted mid to late August, but it’s incomplete so far. I adore it, so I have high hopes that I’ll finish it. I still have plans for Find a Way even if it has been sitting in my drafts for months. I want to keep writing them. I just don’t know when the inspiration could strike.

And who knows? I could post this and then come back with a “just kidding lol” in, like, two days. But, I think this mood is here to stay for a while, and I’m okay with it.

I’ll probably post some blurbs here and there, maybe fluffy one shots. Really whatever tickles my fancy. But the updates will be slower than ever before (and that’s really saying something considering how unreliable I already am).

I’m still gonna be around to read and reblog and talk with everyone. This app is almost constantly open on my phone, so this is the same blog it’s always been minus regular-ish content.

Anyway, love y’all! Don’t be afraid to reach out to chat via asks or DMs ‘cause I’d love it 💕

[mhalachai]

I posted 2,665 times in 2022

111 posts created (4%)

2,554 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@princesssarcastia

@beatrice-otter

@annechen-melo

@molllus

@dimondlite

I tagged 1,469 of my posts in 2022

Only 45% of my posts had no tags

#fanart - 107 posts

#cats are weird - 106 posts

#the untamed - 95 posts

#food - 53 posts

#star trek - 53 posts

#music - 48 posts

#dracula daily - 39 posts

#writing is hard - 32 posts

#the adventure zone - 29 posts

#the sandman - 27 posts

Longest Tag: 124 characters

#does anyone remember the time i wrote that 750k fic where stiles keeps trying to get allison to change her name to stilinski

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I happened upon Once Upon A Time and watched the pilot while I was making dinner... it’s a bit of a jarring episode, because you have everyone chewing the scenery in the fairytale scenes, then you get to Storeybrooke and the chewing continues by nearly everyone except Lana Parrilla, who is actually, you know, acting. 

Like, what was the direction to the cast on that episode?

155 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

#4

so anyway this is unnecessary.

look, i don’t care if you hate a fic. something like this has no point except trying to make a fic author feel bad. and to what end?

I’ve been writing fic for nearly 18 years and i’ve never seen so much negativity and vitriol aimed at creators of fanworks, be they for fic or art. and it’s exhausting.

if you don’t like something written/drawn by a stranger (that you are consuming for free) you can walk away! close that tab, change your subscription notifications, unfollow someone on social.

this isn’t a side hustle. we’re not getting paid. fanworks are a labour of love; and when it starts to feel more like labour than love, you’re going to start seeing less fanworks to enjoy.

181 notes - Posted February 14, 2022

#3

tumblr has failed me why is everyone sleeping on this look?

308 notes - Posted August 23, 2022

#2

if you ever want to have a good time, head on over to AO3 and do a tag search for Jin Guangshan, there’s some pure gold in there:

glad we’re all on the same page here

1,134 notes - Posted July 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

municipal elections are coming up in my city and it’s fucking depressing that in the year of our lord 2022 i have to be reading through the school board candidate write-ups to try to figure out which of these assholes are anti-trans and pro-cops-in-schools. 

at least to make things easier those two things have a large Venn diagram overlap

1,399 notes - Posted October 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[weebsinstash]

Came back to your blog after 3 months because i knew u would have some hot political takes. Was not disappointed.

Well I'm, I'm not trying to post about politics too much on this blog, because this blog is supposed to be a source of comfort, but like. This is. An extremely significant development for human rights in America. A really really massively horrible development because they're not just taking away abortion rights, they're using it as a precedent to go after gay marriage and other things next. Like for example? There's literally a sitting Republican US senator from Texas named James Cornyn and he literally, i shit you not, retweeted former president Obama talking about how we should undo laws preventing segregation next

Like this isn't even a fucking joke anymore. I can't even fathom it. That a sitting member of our government not only said something as disgustingly heinous as "yeah now that abortion isn't constitutionally protected we should do the separation of races next" but decided to say it by retweeting our former black president like ????? This country is actually going down in fucking flames right now???? We are actually descending into Christo-fascism while being told this is democracy in action???

Like even when I write things about abusive partners or reproductive abusers, that's still in the scope of fiction. We can all read it and consume it and sure, it might make some people uncomfortable, but we all know it's not real. But now in reality the country im living in is being taken captive by the deeply conservative religious far right and now, being forced to have babies even if it kills you is something politicians in my country are FIGHTING to do

Like. Jesus Christ. Did you know in 2019 Ohio tried to pass a bill where, in the case of an ectopic pregnancy, the doctor is ordered to reimplant the fetus into the womb or face "abortion murder charges". Like, literally, that is literally a surgery that does not exist and has never even been successfully attempted. We literally do not even have that science yet. It is literally impossible. But these psychotic fucks are so out of touch that you either listen to them or they throw you in jail

Oh and uh. It doesn't even end here? Have you guys heard that across the pond, the UK government is trying to overturn a law that is literally called the human rights act and. Reading everything that would be undone makes me physically sick. If that law is overturned, if you're chronically ill or disabled even just with autism the government can assign you a DNR without your consent? Just basically fucking say you don't deserve to live and KILL YOU? They're also going to rule on if police are obligated to protect your human rights, very similar to a case we had here in America, 2005 Castle Rock, where the Supreme Court decided that no, the police aren't obligated to protect you.

So yeah uh. I'm kinda of just honestly constantly depressed and panicking a lot and that's why I don't write a lot anymore. Like I WANT TO but. It's like I'm living in a nightmare.

Also last thing I want to say. Please for the love of God start doing research TODAY about the candidates for your state's primary elections coming up in August. I live in Minnesota which is basically THE ONLY STATE IN THE MIDWEST that is currently protecting abortion rights and the Republicans are already firing up their base to try and elect a new governor. Like I literally hear old men talking about taking back the house and the senate on the bus and i want to SOB

I just really, I'm fucking crying, I just really cannot BEG ENOUGH that we all get out to the polls because it keeps getting worse. The Republicans are trying to break your spirit and make you lose faith in voting and we CAN'T, we have to keep voting, it's the only power we have! We can't just watch them ruin our country and ruin our planet and ruin our future!

So yeah. Please start doing research if you're in the states and start researching who is running for governor, secretary of state, etcetera, because uh. The Republicans are probably going to take everything back including the next presidential election and. They're literally setting things up where they'll have the majority power for decades. The fact that the Supreme Court has become majority conservative is going to shape all of our laws for decades to come until some of them either die or be removed. I'm just scared. I dont think there's any coming back from this. I think our country is only going to get worse from here on out, and we're going to take the rest of the world down with us

[liltaz-asatreat]

I posted 2,958 times in 2022

That's 2,010 more posts than 2021!

670 posts created (23%)

2,288 posts reblogged (77%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@/idkanameatall

@/barry-j-blupjeans

@/holdmecloser-gandydancer

@/institute-of-planar-shitposts

@/taakosleftshoe

I tagged 2,458 of my posts in 2022

Only 17% of my posts had no tags

#taz balance - 840 posts

#taz ethersea - 552 posts

#taz - 517 posts

#taz ethersea spoilers - 419 posts

#fav - 356 posts

#taz fanfic - 326 posts

#taz art - 313 posts

#lup - 292 posts

#taako - 284 posts

#barry bluejeans - 220 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i'll reblog this to both blogs because i think i have more followers who listen to tma on my main and you should be recognized for this 💜

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Just had a depressing thought

How the hell did Lucretia not lose her God damn mind between the time she erased everyone's memory and sent them on their way to starting the Bureau of Balance and even beyond that? Like, I lived in a small house with 9 other people for a good few years, and when I went to college and moved into the dorms there, one of the things I had the hardest time dealing with was the utter silence I was left in. My roommate moved into the dorm late because of rooming and organizational issues on the university's part, and then her mom didn't want to pay for her to stay in the dorm in the second semester, and they didn't move anyone else in with me. Among the many other issues I was having, the silence and loneliness was crippling in a really major way, and I had friends I was with at every chance I got to be with them. It was the most social year I had ever had, and I was still hardcore struggling with the fact that I had to go home to no one.

Lucretia didn't even have anyone to hang out with or talk to at all ever until she met Maureen and Lucas and started the Bureau. And even with having as many people on the base as she did, she still had to go home to no one. I just about lost my God damn mind in my situation, how. The fuck. Did she do it??? And for 10-12 years????

469 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

#4

One of my favorite meta things about the Stolen Century is how Griffin really thought he could cover 100 years of backstory in two episodes lmfao Like, as someone with ADHD, I understand how hard it is to figure out how long something is going to take, and I underestimate how long I'm going to need to do tasks and finish projects all of the time, but like, even if he wasn't expecting to get as deep with it as they ended up doing, the absolute confidence he had going in that he could cover 100 years in 2 hours, like, king there was no way but I admire how over confident you were about that lmao

484 notes - Posted May 13, 2022

#3

Angus really did have a big day on the Day of Story and Song. Like, first the Director had some shady shit going on with the Relic disposal chamber, then a strange man hops out of Taako's bag whom Taako and Merle claim said the Bureau is bad, then there's the discovery of the baby voidfish, then the Director has guards take them to a room where she is kneeling over the balls that had contained the Relics and is channeling energy out of the undestroyed bell into her staff, then she talks mad shit about coming from another reality with tres horny bois, the guy whose name is Barry, and some person named Lup who is dead(?) while Taako and Merle are trying to keep their heads from exploding, then Davenport can actually talk and was captain of this past mission this whole time, then Magnus comes barging in and he can see the absolute chaos of the apocalypse outside, so he tries to barracade the door while the others are going down memory lane, then the others start debating about leaving everyone to the forces outside versus putting up a shield that would still end up destroying the world in a manner that suggests they've had this argument exhaustively before, then they get attacked and BOOM a lich comes out of Taako's umbrella who is apparently Lup who is apparently his sister, then Lucretia disappears and Davenport wants him to help find her even though he still has no clear idea of what the fuck is happening, then he hears the story and song and suddenly gains the knowledge of their 100 year journey and the impending end of the world, then he meets up with the others again when he and Davenport can't find her only to find Lucas is also not dead, then Lucretia turns up, a crystal shows them a possible future, and Taako knew the answer to save everything all along, then he's expected to help fight against a world ending evil force, and then FINALLY they defeat the Hunger, and he's got time to process the absolute wild day he just had.

And just like, I feel like probably around the time he found out Lucas was still alive he was just like:

560 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

#2

Balance: Don't split up the party or you will die

Amnesty: Splitting up the party is tentatively okay depending on what you're doing except it did, in fact, get someone killed

Graduation: We're going to refuse to split up as much as possible because we're best buds

Ethersea: If we don't split up and do wild ass stunts before somehow reconvening back at the ship then what even is the fucking point

1,362 notes - Posted April 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

What I like about the scene where Magnus spins mind in Wonderland is that Griffin chose the lesser of two evils because it would have been really fucked to make him choose whether or not he forgets Julia which most definitely would have resulted in a no and forced them to take another two spins without much deliberation, but I think it also paints an interesting picture in-game of the characterization of Lydia and Edward. They believed that love wasn't a strong enough force to sustain them anymore and that it wasn't as important, and I think that's also reflected in how they thought the worst memory to take from him would be the person who caused his suffering and not the person he loves. Because to them, suffering is more important now, and it's how they sustain themselves, so why wouldn't it be the thing sustaining him too?

1,603 notes - Posted March 23, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[starwarsaddiction]

I posted 4,688 times in 2022

85 posts created (2%)

4,603 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@gffa

@short-wooloo

@monjustmon

@hannagoldworthy

@smhalltheurlsaretaken

I tagged 994 of my posts in 2022

#kenobi spoilers - 341 posts

#kenobi series - 340 posts

#obi-wan spoilers - 339 posts

#obi-wan kenobi spoilers - 338 posts

#obi-wan kenobi series - 338 posts

#obi-wan kenobi - 284 posts

#guiding light - 267 posts

#obi-wan - 264 posts

#the master of soresu - 264 posts

#kenobi - 263 posts

Longest Tag: 129 characters

#are you so boring and obvious and incapable of thinking that maybe people can find faimly without fitting into patriarchal roles?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Oh goodness...

I’m reading people who are sad and gutted because in the Obi-Wan series they  made Darth Vader too evil by snapping that kid neck so mindlessly. 

do those people rember that HE COMMITTED TWO GENOCIDES AND ALREADY KILLED DOZEN OF KIDS, SOME OF THEM EVEN HIS OWN SIBLINGS, considering that they were little Jedi and so his own family? Or just a random kid on a random planet is just too much for them?

Really. 

413 notes - Posted June 4, 2022

#4

Jedi don't steal kids

Jedi don't steal kids

JEDI DON'T STEAL KIDS

JEDI DON'T FUCKING STEAL KIDS STOP SAYING THIS SHIT

I had to say it

500 notes - Posted August 11, 2022

#3

I’ve read SW fans on twitter despair because apparently they scrapped a more bleak and sad Obi-Wan story for the series to write a more hopeful and uplifting one... and I don’t understand. Of course it’s going to be hopeful. 

Obi-Wan comes from the darkest moment of his life, loosing his entire family and best friend, and has to become a real zen master, in peace, quiet and resolved to be the master Luke will need to become the one to help Darth Vader remember who he was, to remember Anakin. He can’t do it if he lingers in despair and guilt, and that’s not Jedi teaching. He knows, and his path is one that will always lead to the light, as a man and as a Jedi Master. So, thank God that they remembered where Obi-Wan was to become, and what’s his story. Old Luke was depressing enough, let us have Obi-Wan as a beacon of hope, as he should rightly be. 

529 notes - Posted March 12, 2022

#2

hey! Jedi Positive blogs! Obi-Wan Lovers!

just reblog this and make it go around, so that we can follow each other! 

611 notes - Posted March 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I had a brother, once

When I was about nine, and he was four, I think, he went away. He was so cute, he had a bunch of shiny copper hair, a nice smile and those big blue eyes. I loved to play with him, he was so little and funny. But one day he started moving things around the house, like small things that ran across the table to his little hands, and once he befriended a bird outside the window, it came so close to him that it accepted the food he gave it. My mother didn't believe me at first when I said that, but then she and dad started watching him closely, and I remember they talked of a thing called the Temple, after a while. Dad looked sad for a bit, but mum was so thrilled. She had an old picture, she always told me the woman in the picture was his grand grand grandmother, from centuries ago, and that she went to the Temple, and one evening they came into our room and talked to us. They told us that my little brother, Ben, had a special gift, like the woman in the picture. That he was touched by the light, and he could do great things, and that new people would come to test him and see if he was touched enough to learn how to use his gift for the Galaxy and the Republic. I was so scared, at first, I didn't want my little brother to go away. I screamed and hugged him, and he was so still in my arms. My parents were emotional too, mum said to me that giving a child to the Temple was a privilege and that he could live better with them than with us. I didn't understand at first, but they told me that the Temple was full of people like him, with his gift, and that their job was so important to the Republic, and he would have the chance to become a good person between them. We were just humble citizens, my dad was an architect, like me, and my mom was an artist and a painter. She told me that Ben could become something that they could never prepare him for, and the people at the Temple could help him with his gift and prepare him to be the best person he could be.

Some days after that, people from the Temple came to see my family. There was a tall black man and a creature with a mask on his face and eyes. They played with Ben and asked him a lot of questions, and then they came to me. They asked me if I loved him, and if I wanted him to be happy. Of course, I wanted that. The black man told me that he understand I was sad and didn't want to lose my brother, and he was right. He told me that Ben was going to live a life in the Temple, that he would learn how to use his gifts, and that he would be happy with them, but I was afraid that he would be alone and sad.

So they brought us all to the Temple, and we had the chance to see where he would live and grow. The school and the creche were so fun, and warm, that I even asked if I could stay with them too. But I was not gifted as him, so I couldn't. We hugged my brother for the last time, but every year, for the anniversary of the day he went to the Temple we received a picture and a few words from his teachers. It went on until he became a Padawan, around fourteen, and it was ten years since he left us.

We never forgot him, and I was still a bit sad, but I grow up being proud that my youngest brother went to become a Jedi. I got married and watched my children closely, in their youth, wondering if there was a hint of the same gift that he had, but apparently, that wasn't the case. It was a relief, surely, I didn't have to say goodbye to one of my children at such a young age, because I remember how conflicted my parents were, when we left him on Coruscant, in the Temple. They cried a lot, and I thought that it was because they didn't want to leave him behind, but then I understand. Sometimes it's hard to choose the best for your children, and you wish you can do everything yourself. But it's not always possible. He had great power in his little hands, and with great power comes great responsibility, and sometimes as a parent, your job is to accept that you're not the best fit to teach something important to your children. We knew nothing of the Force, we couldn't help him with it. We wouldn't be able to give him the proper teachings to understand and use his power in the best way, and it could easily hurt him and the people around him. Instead, he went on and became a great Jedi, and now I can read about him, saving the Republic and the galaxy with his power, against the Separatists that want to destroy our way of life.

So, yes, I spent my youth wondering how he was and if he was happy with the Jedi, but now I know he was. And every time someone at work asks me "are you related to that Kenobi?" I always smile.

Yeah... that's my brother.

1,097 notes - Posted July 15, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[draiochteve]

A personal update post?

I’m doing a throwback here doing an update personal blog post. Kinda nostalgic doing this again after all this time away from tumblr, but I think it’s good to bring these thoughts into more of a public existence for historic sake. This existed and witnesses saw it. If you follow me on tumblr, a lot of this will be repeats with extra details and rambling, but there will be some new. Life is taking another shift. I’ve been hired back where I once worked, but now under sales until I get shifted to office management. How do I feel about it? Lukewarm. The money is always nice and this time the job isn’t destroying me physically. Mentally? Up in the air. Dealing with entitled customers and my anxiety with it all is a lot, but I am hoping with time I’ll adjust like it’s nothing. And with the end goal being no longer in sales, but desk work management type stuff, I’ll suffer it. It’s clear I’m heavily needed and wanted so I’m considered of value. Thankfully, I’ve learned to throw that around for leverage to set boundaries and so far they are being respected. Fingers crossed. The days are counting down until my wedding to my partner of 8 years. September 30th of next year and he’ll be living here by August at the latest. I still feel guilty dragging him out across the country to start our lives proper, but with all the circumstances, this is the best shot we have to finally getting me out of this shitty state and away from all my family. Am I taking advantage of the low ass rent and the goodwill of my family to get the best shot I have to get the best slingshot away from them I can? Yes. And while I know it’ll cause a shitshow when all gets revealed, after all they’ve put me through I consider this repayment. So where am I creatively? The best way to describe it is semi-dormant. It’s all there, lying underneath sediment of depression, exhaustion, and suffocation from my environment and my own fuck ups. I’ve self-sabotaged knowingly and unknowingly which paired with all my usual has really fucked me over. But I’ve making some changes to fuel my creativity and hopefully bear fruit once the holidays pass. For starters, I’m abandoning all word counting. When my therapist initially suggested it, she was trying to get me to see how every little bit I did contributed and meant something. And she wanted me to recognize just how much I was creating that I myself discounted. It’s helped me recognize just the sheer volume I’ve written since diving back into fic and that is something to be proud of. However, that has transformed from recognition of my hard work to competing with myself. I began beating myself up for not reaching arbitrary goals and forced myself to write a lot that I wasn’t happy with just to meet numbers. And for some people that works, but not for me. So instead, I’ve invested in a secure journal with a padlock and have begun tracking ideas instead that I wish to bring to life in some way. Stories exist in as many or as few words as they need. No word count can reasonably predict that that will be. I’ve begun working on the journal slowly, filling it with concepts and ideas I plan to write and ones I already have because it’s important to recognize my accomplishments. I have published a lot and I should be proud of that. There’s over 32 JaphRaha stories I intend to tell and well over 20+ more for other pairings, fandoms, characters, etc even if just one offs to fill a void for myself in regards to content. (I’m not going to lie, the bulk are pegging femdom fics. I’m sorry but too many characters out there deserve a good railing via the strap and NO ONE ELSE IS DOING IT so I suppose it falls to me.) Perhaps in a future post I’ll post pictures of my pages and plans, but most likely not. Just know they are plentiful and many I have yet to speak to others besides ramble’s in friend’s DMs. I have many years of my life left in me and these will be part of my legacy. Slowly but surely, they will come. And following the train of thought about legacies and leaving something for the world, I’ve been pondering greatly again about all my original fiction. I keep it under lock and key because they are born purely from myself and my experiences, but there will come a time I need to bring them to life. I’ve felt more confident and sure of myself about it than I have in years. There’s a clear desire for what I write and what I intend to make. Will I self publish? I’m not sure. A lot of the publishing world is fucked especially when it comes to sapphic stories which is a chunk of what I’m working on. Dare I brave it? I might be stubborn enough to bash some agents over the head about it, but otherwise I’m okay self publishing. Gotta think up a pen name though. Who should I be? What kind of enigmatic author will I become to the masses? Whoever I am, I’m sure y’all will be able to spot me like a volcano in the sea. Still working on mastering bookbinding for my own selfish desires binding my favorite fics, rebinding my fav books, and possibly binding my own stories. I still plan to make a zine once I’m settled and moved out and have finished the remaining pre 5.3 stories I have on my priority list. About 5 more to go? Plus a planned bonus story for the zine. Part of the project is also rewriting/re-editing some of my older JaphRaha fics so I’ll need to take some time for that. Otherwise, I’m looking forward to FINALLY doing that passion project and having it in my hands. Don’t worry, everything will be uploaded to Ao3 in a single multichaptered work eventually. But I still love the idea of it existing in the physical realm. The next year is going to be a big change for me. And it will end with me finally out of my parent’s house and away from a lot of the shit I get subjected to. Following it, I’m suppose to undergo a lot of new evaluations from my doctor and a psychiatrist (been putting it off until I’m out of here bc ofc my depression is through the roof atm) and make some plans to go from there. It’s scary, but maybe I’ll finally get proper answers. Idk how much I’ll change as a person being away as well. A lot of unknowns that I should have known a long time ago. So, here’s to the future. To the friends I’ve made and still keep near and dear who support me and my ridiculous JaphRaha rambles in their DMs. To new readers and old that I’m grateful are listening to me in the void. To bettering myself and finally getting some wiggle room to grow bigger than I ever thought possible. A lot of you have been here with my struggles and triumphs. And I hope to make everyone proud that I’ve finally escaped and am thriving. One step at a time. And every step is worth it.

[lavendersage]

hey emily, hopefully this isn’t too presumptuous or uncomfortable feel free to ignore if so 😣 im actually a long time follower of your personal and have always related to your feelings with depression and low moods, and i went thru a really bad break up around a similar time funnily or unfunnily enough 😔 i know you say you say you still struggle; is there anything in particular that helps you along? i find it so hard to face my real life sometimes, im turning 25 in a few months and i feel like depression and that awful relationship have stolen so much from me, i feel so far behind my peers and those even younger, im too afraid to even meet people nevermind open up to someone else ever again, my friends are all in committed long term relationships, one just got a promotion, and just recently was told two of my cousins not even a year older are now engaged and planning their weddings. I know im not the only one going thru a quarter life crisis lol but god does it feel like it! gosh im not even sure what the point of this was. i love your blogs and your lovely self, this little corner of the Internet means so much to me when i feel most isolated. sorry for going on and on, i hope things are good for you rn 💜🌱

hi baby 💜  reading your ask kinda felt like i was reading one of my own journal entries or personal posts or something, because on god, i struggle with all of the same things. i’m a little older (just turned 26 in august) but i started feeling the same way you do around 24. i also went through a bad relationship during that time but more than anything, i empathize with your feelings of falling behind my peers. it wasn’t “supposed” to be this way, right? like you can’t catch a break no matter how hard you try? (i say “feels like” but it’s literally true in my case, all of my family and friends IRL can attest to the ridiculous amount of bullshit i’ve been through). i could go off on a tangent about how our generation was robbed and how our idea of what it means to be an adult (having a stable job that pays the bills, getting married, moving out on our own, etc) has been permanently warped because it has become so fucking hard to achieve even a single one of those things, and all of that is true, but i will digress.

basically, you end up watching the people around you achieve the things you’ve been working for, and you’re stuck feeling like some sort of cautionary tale because you aren’t getting results, which is a slippery slippery slope into strong feelings of inadequacy that feed into your depressive episodes.

i’m glad you reached out, because i find that it helps ground me if i know that other people my age are also dealing with similar problems and kind of cuts me out of the fog of seeing everyone i know thrive while i suffer. so you can rest assured in the knowledge that you are far from alone in this--and it’s also worth remembering that what other people present on social media is just a carefully curated version of themselves that they want the world to see.

you have to first ask yourself if you’re doing everything within your power to lift yourself out of your current situation. and i know how hard that is when you’re so low you can barely get out of bed, believe me, i know, and you have to find a way to forgive yourself for that. but if things are ever going to get better, you have to do the best you can to push yourself forward. it will not be a linear process. and that’s okay. 

if the answer is no, you’re not doing everything in your power, figure out what it is you need to be working on. figure out what it is you want and take small steps every day to put yourself in that direction. if the answer is yes, then you have to find a way to accept that what you’re doing is enough and find a way to keep your brain from falling down that black hole of despair. visit friends. get caught up in a creative project. read a good book or play a good video game. and if you have the means, find a good therapist. (i don’t have the means but if i did, that’s what i would do.) it may take all of your strength, but you will feel better if you fill out that job application, or reach out to that person, or even do a load of laundry. small things do add up and can make a huge difference in your overall mental health.

i’m sorry that i don’t have magical advice to give you beyond sharing my own experiences. i’m still working through it, just like you. so i’ll leave you with this: don’t get caught up in your own head. take everything one day at a time. step away from social media when you need to. focus on your goals as much as your mental faculties will allow. let yourself rest when you need to rest, let yourself be sad when you need to be sad, but do. not. give. up.

because the moment you stop having hope that things will get better is the moment you know they never will.

love you to the ends of the earth, and you are always welcome to talk to me 💜💜💜

[demivampirew]

Keep Calm and Go to London Chapter 23

Synopsis: This is the story of (y/n), a successful actress,   musician, musical producer and songwriter. After battling depression and  breaking up a long relationship, she seeks for a change of air,   escaping LA for a while going to visit some friends in London and there   she meets Henry. -Disclaimer: some chapters are mostly smut.

Previous Chapters in the masterlist

Triggers: talking about anxiety; quarantine; cursing.

Tag list:  Here’s the incredible people who showed me support (thank  you    so  much for that) and people who asked  me to tag them too  ☺️   (I    think  I will write a few chapters of  this story, if you want me to  tag     you, tell me ☺️   ) @cavillanche @mary-ann84 @henry-owns-these-tatas @yespolkadotkitty @dancingwendigo   constip8merm8      penwieldingdreamer iloveyouyen  littlefreya  wondersofdreaming     alyxkbrl solariumss  sweetybuzz25 @thethirstyarchive @agniavateira   @honeyloverogers @hell1129-blog   @lunedelorient​  @michelle-1185​  @madbaddic7ed​     @summersong69​

When you accepted to go with Henry to the gym, you planned to sit and watch his beautiful ass workout, but your boyfriend had other plans. While he worked on his legs, he made you lift some weights and later practice some boxing. He made you punching in his palms as hard as you could, but he was so strong that your hand almost broke when it collided with his. Dammit! His hands were like rocks. He wanted to help you train better for your role because you needed to gain some strength to be successful in the stunts. After a hard workout session, you decided to go back to the house walking to catch some air. It felt odd. It's been a few months since the quarantine started that now it was strange to go outside. It truly felt like if it was another world. You felt a little anxious, even if both of you were wearing masks because they're more effective in terms of preventing you for spreading a virus if you have it than to catch it; but, in the same time, it felt marvellous to be outside. You took a few deep breaths, allowing your lungs to feel the oxygen that entered your body. Henry was grabbing Kal's leash with one hand, and yours with the other. The little bear has always been his emotional support for his anxiety and your boyfriend was yours. You felt how he stroke your hand with his thumb. You pressed your head against his arm and then give him a big smile. Even though both of you were wearing masks, you knew that he noticed your smile and that he smiled back at you. The world might have gone crazy and thing could never be like they used to, but one thing was undeniable and that was that your life was a thousand times better since you met Henry. You were beyond in love with him and since the beginning, your cold and dark mind was full of light and warmness. And he was the main reason why you felt that way. Therapy was great, but also having someone that praise you and made you feel loved and try hard to help you see how wonderful you were was incredible. After a nice shower, you prepare tea for you and a coffee for Henry and went into his office to give it to him. Before you entered the room, you heard him talk over the phone. "Oh, great!" You heard him said; "Yes, I cannot wait to get back to work. But, I really need to ask for a favour. If they decide to change the date and start earlier, it's ok, but I need to be free by the 28th and 29th of July. The 28th is my girlfriend's birthday and I want to be with her that day," he pleaded and then thanked the person on the other side of the line. You felt tingles and butterflies in your stomach. The fact that he'd beg no to work on your birthday to be able to be with you melted your heart. You waited until he finished the call and then knock on the door. You entered the room and he announced that production was set to restart in August. You pretended not to hear the conversation and acted excited - you weren't faking, though. After all, The Witcher was one of your favourite shows. You spent the rest of the day laughing with him while he played videogames. Later he decided to go prepare something for dinner and you used his laptop to check your social media and listen to some music. To your surprise, you saw your name in second place of worldwide trends. "The fuck happened now," you thought. And then you saw that Henry's name was also trending as well as your ex-boyfriend's. You clicked on yours and saw that a site dedicated to gossip Daily Mail, posted pictures of you and Henry while you exit the gym and walking with Kal with your hands together. The headline said "New hot couple alert: Y/N and Henry Cavill". The article said "The famous actress, musician and producer y/n (age) is seen leaving a gym with British actor and heartthrob Henry Cavill (37), famous for his roles as Superman and Geralt of Rivia in Netflix's The Witcher. (...) The star ended a relationship with actor and musician Jared Leto -who recently was seen walking in the streets of Hollywood with Russian model Valery Kauffman-. The couple walked together grabbing hands while walking his dogs, an American Akita named Kal. (...) Not so long ago were rumours of a possible reconciliation between y/n and Leto, given the fact that she continued to share love song in her Instagram stories, but now it could be assumed that those songs were actually dedicated to Mr Cavill. (...) We tried to contact their agents to get a confirmation of their romance, but there are not comments at the moment. (...)" "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" you repeated in your head. You took a deep breath and went back to Twitter to look at the comments. To your surprise, there were mostly supportive. There were some jealous and aggressive ones, from both sides - your fans and his fans- but were mostly supportive. You then realized why Jared's name was also trending. A lot of people, especially comics and dc fans, were uploading memes about Superman stealing Joker's girlfriend. Some of your fans posted some new selfies from your Instagram account saying "this is a woman who left a toxic relationship for a better man. Be like her"; some fanboys were saying things like "Henry Cavill is the only man allowed to steal my wife," "I don't know who I envy more," and a lot of memes with pictures of Henry and Jared from the Comic-Con mocking Jared because Henry "stole" his girl.

You had to admit that most memes were really funny. After having a good laugh, you were stressed again. How was going to react Henry to the news? You panicked. You felt guilty like you should have stayed in the house and the secret would be protected. You went into the kitchen and delivered the news to Henry. He sighed in a sign of defeat and you apologized again. He looked at you and you felt a lump in your throat; he seemed angry. You knew it, he was mad at you. - Stop it! - he ordered.- Stop apologizing! You didn't do anything wrong! - he exclaimed and you looked at him confused. - Are you mad at me for going with you? It was my fault, I should have stayed here.- you prompted - No, it's not your fault. It isn't anybody's fault because it's not a bad thing. So, people know now, so what? They were going to find out sooner or later. We cannot spend the rest of our lives behind these walls to protect a secret. I don't care that people know that I'm happily in love with a wonderful woman. And, by the way, it was my idea to get out, not yours. - he reminded you. He came closer to you and cupped your face with his hands - The only thing I'm angry about is the fact that you keep blaming yourself for everything and that you'd think that I could be mad at you for that. You should know me better by now. I'm not him. I don't want us to live a secret for the rest of our lives, like if it was something bad. On the contrary, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm more than proud that people know that I'm awesome enough to get a woman like you. Like I just gained hundreds of cool points.- he smiled at you and kissed you.