#i was mentally blocked bc a certain mf been at my mind

[seshisunshi]

adding hashtags at twt is embarrassing as hell

[rhyglizzy]

ok i always step onto tumblr and look around to make sure i’m really alone so i can post whatever i want bc i literally have no mutuals and none of my friends use tumblr and posts get buried so easily when they’re not tagged or u don’t use common tags or whatever and i tag my stuff so i can look back later fondly and be like haha this is how i felt a long long time ago :) but anyway im boutta post my mans bc... iwgsilhb... idk... inbiarroasikifmtkwli i guess but like i’ve always said even about yuck!, the feelings i have toward whoever i like are tciegtfl and i feel like your personal definition can change as you discover the true depths that you are able to feel different things, soooo THIS??? definitely the closest i’ve ever been and what’s funny but also like... gives me hope i guess?? is that i literally cilamtilhrn so if that’s possible??? bro move lmaooo y’all better not say nothing to me when i lose my mf mind bc if ilhamtiad i WILL be clinically insane like i don’t think my heart can beat any faster or i can smile any more bc of someone else like... if it gets better than this i will NEVER wanna die like wtf i been thinking earth is the real hell lately but man iweut... that switch will flip so fast and i’ll think it’s heaven like nothing can be better wtf aaaaa i can’t believe this turned into a tangent like this all because i wanted to avoid saying i love him bc that would be dumb but like... as seriously stupid as it sounds if this ain’t it then idk what is bc i can only define love as the strongest feelings i’ve ever had for someone and this is that soooo 🤪 just for kicks i’ll say it lol I LOVE HIM BITCH!!! idk it just feels weird to say when u know it’s not reciprocated 😔 so hopefully it is soon. i was gonna say one day but i wanna keep a tone of optimism and certainty so instead of questioning if i’m gonna question when 😌 but fr god pls i know i need to focus on bettering myself to make myself like me before i try to make someone else like me but ughhh wait NO this is my own fault i need to make myself into a person worth being around before i question why someone isn’t in my life duh bitch :) i’m working on it. also, while i’ve got a long post going that nobody is gonna read, (FUTURE ME IF YOURE READING THIS ESPECIALLYYYYY IF YOU HAVE A S/O,, PLEASE STOP HERE LMAOOOO) i wanna say that i do also feel kind of dumb for wanting to better myself so that someone else will like me, but at the same time i feel like that’s a totally natural and common way that people think and behave. like i should and DO want to be better so that i’m happy with myself but like the thing that would make me be hmmmm happiest with myself is being someone who’s worthy of the love of someone else if that makes sense. and i’m not talking about changing myself to fit someone’s mold for their dream girl. but i think the part i feel has a negative connotation is that i’m ALSO not trying to become “who i want to be” independently and THEN finding somebody who loves me for me after i’ve already become a fully realized person who is worthy of love. like is it so bad to love somebody and aspire to be someone who they would love?? like i feel like that’s the foundation, wanting to make the other person happy. but i think my drawback is that i like him for who he already is/who i see him as at least and... after seeing what i’m viewing as a fully realized person and finding out what they like and wanting to be that... i’d feel like i manufactured myself for them and they might like me but like... at what cost?? my whole personality and all my good traits were developed with the thought in mind that i want them to like me. and that would suck so i REALLY do want to become a version of myself that I!! really like and then hopefully he likes me but ALSO i do think it’s part of loving someone for you to want to grow with them and for them and

(FUTURE ME IF YOU WANNA KEEP READING START AGAIN HERE LMAOOO HEY BITCH ITS YOUR DUMB YOUNGER SELF WHATS CRACKIN) the text block got too long haha but i think one of the biggest reasons i like him so much (aside from the fact that he’s a source of genuine happiness and i don’t get a lot of those hehe) is that he really makes me wanna be a better person somehow like i literally am so inspired to improve myself and live a better life and idk if that’s so that i can “become likeable” like i said earlier or if that’s because he really just inspires me idek how to explain why he just does :3 i do wuv him just a little bit, just like as a human :) he is great ugh a true angel on earth. but again one of my mental blocks is that i don’t think i can be the same for him so what do i have to offer!! like that’s something that i feel validates and invalidates my desire to be with him at a same time (haha wait every time i type that word i’m like ;) lol) because my lurve comes from him making me happy and inspiring me to be better andddd if i can’t reciprocate that same happiness or inspiration or something else idk, then why would he like me??? like the one thing i’m certain i can offer is making someone feel unconditionally loved and deeply admired and like someone truly believes they’re a gift to this planet because that!! is how!! i feel!! and i make sure to convey that, but i don’t know if that’s enough to at least start a relationship, it’s definitely a stepping stone to maintaining one but i just highly doubt we would meet and he would be like “wow this bitch worships me i should date her” like no so obviously being interesting and fun and beneficial to someone’s quality of life are my GOALS. i just view that in a couple different ways, the negative one being that i would be building myself to earn someone’s love which i kinda don’t even wanna believe but at the same time i think it’s kinda normal, and the positive way i view it is that love is one of my aspirations in life and regardless of whether they overlap with the desires of a potential s/o, i really do have my own genuine goals and hopes for myself and the development of my personality so that i can reach the two goals of self love and falling in love with someone and having them be in love with me too :) and i think i’m gonna stick to that positive energy and keep working on it :) next time i look at a pic of him i’m prolly gon cry now bc wtf