#i was just a know it all in middle/high school and thought vaping in particular was stupid as hell

[steviescrystals]

dropped my vape in the driveway earlier and now it has no flavor </3 is this karma for developing a nic addiction after years of making fun of people for the exact same thing

[azusaluvclub]

Hi! I absolutely adore your writing! Every single thing I read on your blog is just *chefs kiss* 😍

I was wondering if you have any particular hcs about Myles Joo and Dongha Baek you're willing to share? 👀 Also Wolf. Always starved for more Wolf content. Only if you feel like it obv ")

hello !!! thank you to both anons for these asks ! i decided to do them both in the same post since it was easier this way lol, hope it's okay- honestly thanks for giving me an excuse to write more myles content (even though yall probably shouldn't allow me this much power), lord knows i needed it :D

anyways, hope you both enjoy !!! this was fun to answer lol

weak hero headcanons; myles, dongha + wolf

myles joo / joo seungjin

⋆ used to be star player on his middle school basketball team ! grew up playing with his big bro and made the team in his first year. was really good at it too. loved being on the court, and winning itself, of course. near the end of his second-year, though, a teammate started a fight with him which resulted in him getting kicked from the team

⋆ still likes to shoot hoops in his free time; it's relaxing for him, honestly. thought about joining the high school team but he didn't have time for it and the union. even though he does now, he still feels like something's holding him back from pursuing it

⋆ not a crazy cat person like teddy, but has a soft spot for the strays in his neighborhood they like him, surprisingly lol. can't leave them food since he lives in an apartment, but carries a few treats in his pocket for ones he sees~ there's a black cat who really likes him that's been around for a year now; secretly wants to keep him, but he can't see it going over well with his dad :,)

⋆ not a headcanon so much as my opinion, but would totallyyy suit an eyebrow piercing (because somebody needs to compete with donald lol). gave himself one in middle school, but it got infected after his face got fucked up in a fight and he had to remove it. thought about redoing it, then realized it wasn't safe to have with all the fights he gets into-

⋆ including the black one he always wears, he has a big snapback + baseball cap collection ! his favorites are displayed proudly on his wall, the rest boxed up in the closet

⋆ his hair looks like that because he cuts it at home. had one too many bad barbershop experiences and now he doesn't trust them, but his own skills are... subpar at best :,)

baek dongha

⋆ dongha is the type of mf who refuses to wear shorts- no matter what. it could be 900° and he will still wear pants, only because he hates how his legs look and feel in shorts. would sleep in them if he wasn't normal lol

⋆ dongha has known seongmok since childhood, even before they became friends. truth be told, dongha was a nasty little kid, so he didn't hang out with a lot of people. but seongmok (who was very quiet even back then !) started following him around one day and dongha, who tried to scare him off at first lol, soon realized he really liked having someone by his side :)

⋆ i know he smokes cigs in canon, but imo he's more of a vaper than anything. def one of those people who has 500 vapes and has to hit one every 2 minutes before suffering withdrawals- only elf bars, only fruity flavors

⋆ got this idea from an ask, but he lives with his grandma and has since middle school ! he's in a weird, defiant time in his life so he's not as close with her as she wants, but she loves him just the same~

⋆ to add onto this, when he isn't at his grandma's, dongha's couch-crashing at seongmok's house- he's a lot closer to his family and they've basically adopted him, lol. it's not that he feels excluded at his grandma's, but she wasn't present for a lot of his life up until moving in with her. so, for now, seongmok's place is his true "home"

⋆ avid video gamer, lol- he likes doing multiplayer ones with seongmok or hitting up the arcade for some Tekken, but he's really into anything. keeps some gacha games on his phone for when class is too boring, but he usually regrets the money he spends on them :,)

wolf keum / keum seongje

⋆ surprisingly smart ! doesn't take school seriously, so much as it comes easy to him? + ganghak isn't an idiot cesspool like some of the other schools, so he didn't get in on connections or money alone- he's not a fan of studying or showing up to all his classes, but he manages to make consistent As and Bs and, if his attendance were any better, he'd be an almost perfect student !

⋆ doesn't have much for hobbies lol. its not like his life revolved around the union, but he's never really stuck with one thing. you could say his hobby is fighting, but i think he used to be a bit of a bookworm~

⋆ loved books about mystery/crime and detective-type novels that he could solve himself; he was a bit of a nerdy kid :,) he still enjoys media of that genre but doesn't read as much as he used to. if anything it benefitted him, since he was able to figure out jared's plan pretty easy

⋆ whether he says it or not, he considers hwangmo a good friend. i imagine they went to elementary school together where social-butterfly hwangmo tried to befriend him, though seongje wasn't too interested lol- didn't even remember hwangmo until he asked seongje about it

⋆ but out of all his lackeys, he's the only one who actually respects him and sticks by his side, and has a brain on his shoulders lol- so seongje respects him, too :) sometimes gives hwangmo extra from their funds like a raise lol, buys him a snack/drink after meetings, or offers him smokes; hwangmo thinks they could be friends someday, once this union stuff blows over

⋆ ik a lot of people subscribe to "homophobic gay wolf" but i honestly think he wouldn't care that much- his sexuality isn't anybody else's business, or something he even cares about. he likes who he likes, though he doesn't really like anyone... :,)

[gothhisoka]

𝑨 𝑵𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒀𝒐𝒓𝒌𝑵𝒆𝒘

100 follower special!! Thank you everyone <3

Pairing: Chrollo x fem!reader

Tags: College AU, rich Chrollo, Gossip Girl vibes, this is my first draft so sorry about the errors

Word count: 4.8k

Summary: The infamous October party is all the talk at YorkNew University. It takes place at a huge penthouse in the heart of the city, owned by a mysterious man that few know the true identity of.

You attend the party just having entered your freshman year. There, you meet all sorts of people. But one, in particular, intrigues you the most. His name is Chrollo Lucilfer. He is an expensive suit-wearing, whisky-smelling, suspiciously rich graduate student.

And you are going to try to get him to dance.

Warnings: MINORS DNI, 18+, Do not drink underage. You should not use any of the actions displayed in the following story as examples for your own life.

Playlist: click here to listen while reading

Ao3: click here to read on ao3

Chapter 1/?

As you walked through the streets of YorkNew City you felt gusts of wind push past you so strongly that they nearly knocked you over. It was already miserable to be outside, and it was only October. The sky was growing dark, the city growing brighter. Fall decorations adorned the buildings you passed. The Southernpiece Auction House looked the most magnificent of them all– with bright colored lights trailing the pathway and walls.

No time to wonder at your surroundings, you thought. You would have four more years to gawk at the city. You pulled your scarf tighter around you as you walked faster. Although you looked cute in your tights, it was definitely not the appropriate clothing choice for this weather.

Your decision to go to YNU seemed perfect in every way. It was one of the top schools in YorkNew and was in the heart of the city. Unfortunately, you failed to realize that the wind would be whipping for three-quarters of the year.

While it wasn’t the biggest “party school,” there was a single big party in October held by one of the fraternities. That party was the one you happened to be heading to right now. Everyone knew of it and talked about it non-stop. You were reluctant to attend. You hadn’t had many real party experiences at high school. For the most part, they consisted of sitting around drinking cheap beer while your classmates humiliated themselves. Your friends had high hopes for this one, though.

For one, it appeared to be in the penthouse of a high-rise building. You checked your phone to see if the location matched the one on your map. This wasn’t the frat house you had been expecting. Although your and the system’s arrows matched, you really couldn’t trust your directional skills, anyway.

Your hands were near frozen, but you managed to press the call button on your friends’ contact.

“Hey Canary?” you don’t hear her reply as music floods through your phone speaker. Seconds later, it becomes quieter, signaling she moved into another room.

“Hey, it’s absolutely crazy up here, sorry.”

You ask her about the address, and she confirms it. She tells you her location at the party so you can find her later. She hangs up before you can say bye or express more of your listless anxieties. Why were you so worried? You had Canary and Amane and… well, you didn’t know many others. And of course Canary and Amane would be all over each other so really you had no one. That was a valid source of anxiety, was it not?

Either way, you needed to step into the building to escape the cold. Perhaps after you warmed up you could make your escape. I knew this was a bad idea.

The entryway was already magnificent, with tall arches and marble floors. A fire blazed near a seating area on the opposite wall. You rushed over to find it unoccupied, thank goodness. You sat as close as safely possible and felt the warmth creep back into your body.

Your head cleared a bit, thoughts straightening out into coherency. You were at your first party. Your friends were all up there already, so you wouldn’t need to wait for them awkwardly. Everything would go smoothly as long as–

Just then, a group of around six people entered the hall. You couldn’t help but stare. One was over six feet tall, another shorter than five. And some were unbelievably gorgeous. One of them particularly caught your eye. He was wearing all black, styled in an expensive coat and dress shirt. His hair was black as well, hanging loose around his pale face. Dark eyes looked towards a man at his right. He walked with such an intimidating stride that you nearly hid behind the sofa. Luckily, they didn’t appear to be heading in your direction.

They probably were all college students, why else would they be dressed up at a random apartment on this specific day? The thought sent butterflies to your stomach. If the group really was full of college students, maybe you should be going to that party.

Not to gawk at them or anything. Based on their looks, you could tell that they were the rich YorkNew city elite-type students, not the federal loan international-type student as you were. In other words, they had power and you did not. It was best to avoid these types of people. You knew that much just from living in the city for a couple of months.

The group was still waiting outside of the elevators. You made possibly the stupidest decision that you could’ve at that moment. You rose from your seat and flattened your hair. You then proceeded to trot right over to the elevator, behind the group. You had to go upstairs somehow, and reaching the top floor through the stairs didn’t seem like the ideal choice.

Clearly still distracted by the image of that man’s face that was now tattoed onto your brain, you didn’t even notice when the elevator doors opened. A voice sounded from inside that snapped you out of your daydream.

“There’s enough room if you want to come in…” it was the same man that you noticed from before.

An amused expression shone on his face– it was as if he was trying to hide a smirk. He placed his hand on the elevator door so it wouldn’t close. You noticed thick silver rings on a couple of his fingers. It was clear from his appearance that he was wealthy. Not to mention, his mannerisms had an undertone of superiority. Despite yourself, this only enticed you more. Who was this man?

Apparently, you were about to find out.

A blush rose on your face as you quickly gave him your thanks and scrambled inside the elevator. He stood directly next to you, with his friends on the sides. The sudden closeness made your stomach flip.

“What floor?” he asked, hand hovering above the numbers on the elevator wall.

You checked the keypad although you already knew that you would all be headed to the same place.

You tried not to look at him as you responded. “Same as you.”

“Oh,” he replied simply.

The rest of the ride was accompanied by a rising tension. The girls behind you made the only conversation, talking in low voices to one another. You were grateful when the elevator finally stopped on the top floor. You quickly walked out and made your way to anywhere but where that group was. On a second glance, you could see that the rest of them also had that air of wealth and superiority that the man had. That was definitely not the crowd you wanted to get acquainted with tonight.

Besides the music thumping through the walls and people waiting around the entrance, the hall outside of the elevator looked like it could be in any other apartment building. There was a large rack full of coats and hangers to your right. As you walked through the long hall you took off your coat and scarf, happy to get rid of the bulky clothes.

Going into the party was still nerve-wracking, but your outfit gave you a bit of courage. You chose a black silk minidress that accentuated your curves perfectly. You wore fishnet tights and combat boots to complete the look. You did your makeup to near perfection, with a bold red lip and your signature eyeliner. Needless to say, you were feeling good.

You almost forgot that the group that was still in the hall until you felt their eyes bearing into you. In your peripheral vision, you saw them take off their coats just as you finished hanging yours. Without another moment of hesitation, you walked quickly to the door.

The music grew louder and you grew slightly nauseous. This night has already been far too much. Is it really the best idea to continue on? It was too late to turn back, as you would be turning to face those who you wished to avoid.

So, you opened the door. You were immediately flooded with lights and sounds and people. The interior was huge. You guessed that this single apartment took up the majority of the floor, and apparently the one above it too. A staircase on the right side led to a balcony overlooking the main room. Couches and furniture lined the walls, pushed away to form a space in the middle. From what you could see, the entire back wall consisted of floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the city below. If you hadn’t felt so dizzy, you would’ve noticed that the room stunning and grand, unlike any you have seen before.

Students were everywhere, crowding on the couches and the dance floor. You couldn’t make out many faces as the neon lights were dim. You guessed that there were at least seventy people in this room alone.

The music thumped in your bones. You tried to focus on the lines of the song playing instead of your rising panic. “Oh god can you make my heart stop… killshot baby.”

After assessing your surroundings, you made a quick beeline to the kitchen, where Canary said she would be when you called her earlier. The walk was only quick in theory. It took you around five minutes to make your way across the room. It wasn’t the most pleasant experience, weaving through drunk bodies dancing with fervor. You smelt the sweet smell of vape smoke mixed in with the sweat. Heads turned to look at you but you did not look back. Nothing interested you more than finding your friends. Meeting other people could come after you were settled.

You bitterly realized that it had been a bad idea not to come with Canary and Amane an hour earlier. You thought as little time as possible spent there would be ideal, as it was your first time at a college party. Little did you know that arriving late would mean a frantic search for your friends amidst the chaos.

At last, you came upon an opening in the wall that seemed to lead to the kitchen. There were neon lights in there as well, lining the counters and cabinets. White marble countertops glinted underneath bottles of alcohol.

There were significantly fewer people crowded into this tiny space. About fifteen people stood around, drinking and talking with one another over the music. Without thinking, you grab a bottle of beer as you pass by the counter on your way to the other side of the room. There was an empty corner that was calling your name. From there you could observe the faces of the people around you. And possibly get a bit drunk while you were at it. You figured it was the only way you could survive the rest of the night.

As you scanned the faces your heart sank. You didn’t see your friends anywhere. Maybe they already moved to the dancefloor. You take another swig of the beer and pull out your phone.

The dial tone for Canary sounded just as you spotted a familiar face. He was leaning against the wall on the other side of the room with his arms crossed, talking to an attractive red-haired man standing next to him. Your mind was slowly growing hazier, but that didn’t mean you forgot about the man from before.

You quickly averted your eyes. Canary didn’t pick up your call so you decided to text her. All the while you felt your heart begin to thrum. Did that man intimidate you? Or was it just because you thought he was incredibly hot?

You couldn’t say for sure, as you have never felt this way about a person before. He looked older than you, a graduate student perhaps. Anyway, he was far out of your reach in terms of people you could talk to. So, you decided right there and then to stop thinking about him.

You wait a few more minutes for Canary’s response. She doesn’t reply to your text. You grit your teeth and pick up another bottle of beer from the counter. Unfortunately, the bottle opener was nowhere to be seen. Just my luck, you thought. Rather than going without the beer, you pulled out your keys and tried to pry the lid off with your sheer force. But your hand kept slipping and you were beginning to feel a bit embarrassed. You cursed yourself under your breath and looked around to see if anyone noticed your clumsiness.

Accidentally peering towards the wall where the man was before, you notice that he was no longer there. You didn’t know why you cared so much about the opinion of a stranger.

You were about to put the bottle down when you sensed someone next to you. A voice that smelt of whisky and cigarettes spoke, “Need some help there?”

You retracted at the sound and sensation until you noticed who spoke. It was him. You froze, unsure of what to do next. Slowly, your eyes trailed up to his face.

You tried not to stare as you took him in full, now that you were finally face to face. The low neon lights highlighted his strong nose and sharp jawline. His black hair was messily swept from his face, displaying a cross tattoo on his forehead that you hadn’t noticed before. He wore small silver hoops in both ears. Shadows formed across his deep-set eyes as he regarded you, emotionless and still.

He asked you again, pointing to the unopened bottle, “The beer?”

You gave him a nervous laugh, “Oh, yes. I don’t know where the bottle opener went…”

He still stood unusually close to you. Obviously, it was only so that you could hear him better over the loud music. Still, it made your heart flutter. You averted your eyes from his only to see the sleeves of his black dress shirt rolled up, displaying strong arms and hands.

You tried to tell yourself that he was just being nice. And you were making a fool of yourself, just as you were before at the elevator. You knew you had no chance with him, even though a party was a more relaxed environment than most. He would want nothing to do with you after he helped you again. These intimidating upperclassmen were the same.

The man said nothing as he placed the edge of the bottle on the counter, with the cap at the edge. Those beautiful, white marble countertops. Surely he isn’t going to…

With a slam of his palm, the cap came clear off.

“Here,” he said simply.

Why, you wondered, was that so attractive. You couldn’t possibly be getting turned on by the opening of a bottle. Maybe it was only due to the way he did it, displaying his strength so boldly.

He noticed your expression and laughed lightly. “It’s fine, I own the place.”

You couldn’t hide your surprise at his statement. If he was a graduate student, how could he possibly be making enough for this entire place? And you were told it was a frat house, not a single apartment?

A little bit of talking wouldn’t hurt, no matter his status. So you decide to allow the questions to flow. Perhaps the beer was finally loosening your lips and easing your anxiety. You really should’ve been searching for your friends, but it seemed that your body thought differently. Something about the man drew you in. Whether it was his flawless appearance or genuine kindness towards you, you weren’t sure.

“You own this place?” you questioned, leaning a hip on the counter with your beer in hand.

He gave you a small smile, clearly trying to appear humble. “Yes.”

All you managed to say was, “How?”

Was it genuine interest in his face that you saw? Or was he simply happy to boast about his tremendous earnings?

“My company. The dealings bring in solid money, so I decided to purchase this place.” He waved a hand, gesturing towards the general direction of his massive living area.

“Your company? Do you go to YNU?”

He couldn’t be that old to have established his own company. And if he was, surely you would’ve heard about it, as he would be famous. Perhaps he was like many of the other kids at this school, enjoying a trust fund to their name and claiming it all to be their sheer success.

He grabbed a beer from the table and opened it the same way as he did before. He seemed to almost be growing bored of the conversation, needing to drink to distract himself. He became more distant as the small talk continued.

“Yes. I’m in the first year of my graduate program. And you?”

God, those eyes. It was hard to maintain eye contact with him for too long. It felt as if he was simultaneously calculating you as if you were a complex math problem while trying to appear as emotionless as possible.

He was the one who needed calculating. His appearance was already bizarre, with the cross tattoo displayed so boldly on his forehead. But the fact that he was only in his first year of graduate school and already running his own company was too much to comprehend. All you wished for was to know more about this strangely alluring man.

You were about to reply when you heard your name being called from the crowd in the large room. Giggles followed the shout.

Canary and Amane were thrust out of the mass of bodies in the living area. Canary wore a minidress and Amane wore a dress shirt and pants, now significantly disheveled. They were smiling like mad.

Your heart jumped at the sight of them. Finally, you were safe. That was your immediate thought until you saw the stumble in their walks. They were drunk.

Canary slurred your name again. “We’ve missed you! Where were you?”

“I was here in the kitchen, where you told me to wait. Remember?”

Canary and Amane simply gave each other a knowing look and giggled. You had almost forgotten the man who still stood behind you.

“We’ll leave you to it then,” Amane said, making it obvious that she was referencing him.

They were about to leave when you called out. “Wait!”

It wasn’t that you weren’t absolutely entranced by the man and wouldn’t give everything to talk to him for even one more minute, it was just that your friends needed you.

You turned to see the man now farther down the counter, talking to the red-haired man again. He noticed your apologetic look and walked towards you.

“Sorry I have to–”

Your sentence trails off as he looks down on you with a slight smile, arms crossed. You almost want to take a step back, his look too penetrating and revealing.

“What is your name?”

You widened your eyes. He wants to know your name. What were you supposed to make of that?

You give him your name.

“I’m Chrollo,” he replies, sticking his hand out for you to shake as if you were making a business deal. You try to hide your laugh.

He simply smirks back at you as you take his hand. The cold metal of his rings contrasted with the warmth the both of you were emitting. The front of his hand was smooth, with light veins running towards his knuckles. A sign of strength. Moreover, his palm rough. His grip was firm and confident as if he had something he wanted to convey with this handshake. What that was, though, you couldn’t be sure.

You felt a tap on your soldier and knew it was time to go with your friends. You just couldn’t manage to turn away. You already began to think, what if I never see him again? What if he doesn’t want to see me again anyway?

“Nice to meet you, Chrollo,” you said before finally turning your back. You felt his eyes bearing into your back as you left. At least, you hoped it was your back. You weren’t used to the tightness of your dresses’ material and the looks that coupled it.

You silently praise yourself for your unusual boldness toward Chrollo. Maybe you were bold enough to make an impression. An impression was really all you could hope for, at this point. That man was impossible to read.

Before you left the kitchen, Amane held out a small cup for you containing a clear liquid. You hardly hear what she says it is before you knock it back. The taste burns your throat. You figured you would need whatever it was before heading out to the dance floor. Amane and Canary do the same as you (as if they needed it, as drunk as they were).

As Canary grabbed your hand, Chrollo’s name echoed in your mind. Where have you heard it before? You probably could remember if you hadn’t drunk that last shot.

“Who the fuck was that?!” Amane nearly screamed into your ear. You were nearing the main dance floor. The sound was deafening and you felt the thump of music in your bones.

“Chrollo. He owns this place, apparently,” your voice gets lost in the noise.

“WHAT?” Canary yells. You were deep into the mass of people so talking was virtually impossible. There was space to move once you reached the center. It was far enough from the speakers that you could hear fragments of speech from the other people beside you. The sound still bounced off of the tall ceilings, echoing through the large room.

A new song started to play and you began to dance. You, Canary, and Amane danced stupidly, movements sluggish yet wild from the alcohol. It was the most fun you had in a long while. Maybe going to the party wasn’t such a bad idea after all. At that point, the anxiety all but left your body.

After a couple more songs, you decided to try to find your way out of the crowd to take a break. Your body ached with all the movement and sensation. Amane and Canary remained on the floor, although they insisted on following you. It was a slower song, anyway. You couldn’t be caught on the floor with no partner.

At last, after much shoving, you found a wall you could rest against. It just happened to be the wall with the floor-to-ceiling windows. It was far less crowded here. The cold glass felt incredible after the mass of sweat that was the dance floor.

The city lights reflected in the glass

You were close enough to the kitchen to peer through the entrance. When you did so, you couldn’t see Chrollo or his friend. Rather, they were talking to one another next to the kitchen, along the plane of windows.

Suddenly, the glass didn’t feel so cold anymore. You began to heat up just at the sight of him. It was too late by the time you looked away, they had noticed your gaze. Chrollo caught your eyes and your heart skipped a beat. But it wasn’t Chrollo who came over to you. It was his friend. You looked towards the red-haired man with apprehension. This wasn’t middle school, was it? Was Chrollo getting his friend to act as their in-between? No , you told yourself. This sly-looking man is clearly here for something else.

“Hello there,” he said in a sultry tone. He leaned against the window just as you did the same.

His red hair hung loosely around his yellow eyes. He wore a loose dark purple dress shirt and black pants.

Your patience was running out. “Who are you?” And why are you not Chrollo?

“Hisoka. And you must be y/n, right?”

Your eyebrows rose as you nodded. Had Chrollo already mentioned you to Hisoka? What made you worth mentioning? Well, apparently you were about to find out.

“I was wondering, dear, would you dance with me?”

That was unexpected. You turned to face him to observe his expression and the one of the man behind him. Chrollo’s face was bank but his eyes looked stormy as if to issue a warning to Hisoka. Something in Chrollo’s look made you want to accept Hisoka’s offer, just to see his reaction. The slight changes in his expression were endlessly entertaining. If doing something as reckless as dancing with a man you had just met would warrant a change, you would happily oblige.

Hisoka’s smirk vanished as you replied, “Sure.”

Now it was your turn to look smug. Chrollo’s eyes widened slightly but he still remained silent, several feet away with his back against the window. If Hisoka was anyone else, say a person who didn’t radiate his dangerously sexual appetite, perhaps Chrollo would’ve been less surprised.

Although you assuredly gave him your answer, you knew you couldn’t trust this man. His sly expression persisted as he snaked a slender hand across your waist. You didn’t turn to see Chrollo’s expression but you could feel a pair of eyes on your back as you walked away. How unfair it was, that Chrollo always got the last look.

Hisoka led you to an opening on the dance floor that was situated near the staircase. He immediately pulled you to his chest. You gasped at the sudden closeness. You felt his torso with your own, his hardened with muscle. He moved his hands tighter against your waist and you nearly melted into the touch.

You were drunk. He wasn’t who you wanted. But you could easily pretend he was.

You tried to peer back to the spot where Chrollo was standing. It was far too dense and dark to make out any faces besides the one of the man before you.

He wasn’t Chrollo, but he was unquestionably attractive. His sharp features were riddled with confidence. He carried himself as a king would, so self-assured that he was borderline unaware.

The slow song had since ended and a faster one began to sound. You began to feel the rhythm and danced along, Hisoka pulling you closer all the while. Although you were significantly intimidated by Hisoka, it was still fun. You couldn’t tell if either of you was dancing well or making a fool of yourselves. All you knew was sound, movement, and the touch of his body to yours.

After another song or two suddenly Hisoka pulled apart. He wore a malicious expression.

“I have to go,” he said, simply.

He didn’t give you a chance to reply. He waltzed up the stairs to the balcony that you were dancing near. You trailed your eyes to where he stood, hands on the railing talking to the person beside him. It was the blond woman you saw earlier, the one who was with Chrollo’s group…

And next to her was Chrollo. He was holding onto the railing for dear life as if he would fall to his death if he let go. A fear of heights? No, you didn’t think so. Based on his facial expression, he looked almost bitter. You didn’t deem that possible based on his mild mannerism so far. And what reason would he have to be angry?

An idea sparked in your mind. A stupid one, undoubtedly. But Chrollo and his group were far too interesting to ignore for the rest of the night.

It was probably too dark for them to see you amongst the crowd, but you crouched as you moved away anyway. You sensed the tension in their conversation all the way from the floor below. You would wait until Chrollo cooled off a bit and then make your move.

You head back to the kitchen to have another drink. You go for something stronger, a shot of a pale liquid that you didn’t know the name of. Or rather, you were too distracted to care.

You made the perilous journey back to the balcony, dodging limbs and drunken stupors. It was nearing midnight at this point and the crowd was sufficiently rowdy. You think you spot Canary dancing near the back wall, but you couldn’t be sure. You will let her have her own fun tonight since you already found yours.

From below, you could see that Chrollo, Hisoka, and the woman were still leaning against the balcony railing. As you dizzily mounted the steps, you realized that Chrollo looked as perfect and intact as when you first saw him, all those hours ago. He must’ve not danced the whole night, even though it was his own party. How strange. Well, you were about to try and change that.

“Hey,” you said as you waltzed up to Chrollo. There was a bit of a stumble in your step so you quickly made use of the railing.

Chrollo no longer had a death-grip on the bar. He looked at you with a blank face.

“Hello,” he replied.

His friends glared at you so hard that you nearly turned back around. You seem to have interrupted an important conversation.

You lazily move closer to Chrollo and speak under your breath, so that his friends don’t hear, “Want to dance?”

[purplesurveys]

1120

[created by: vyvyan86]

What do you do for work? I work at a public relations agency, so I handle servicing for a good number of clients across different industries. PR is basically like the extroverted sibling of journalism; and since I turned out to not enjoy journ, I gave PR a try halfway through my time in college and ended up liking it more.

What would you ideally like to do for work? I actually really enjoy what I do, like getting to work directly with big local and even international brands. I’m glad I made the decision to make the career shift because I can’t imagine how miserable I would be in a newsroom.

What are you doing in order to achieve this? I’m already where I want to be, at least for now. I don’t see it changing any time soon because I’m nowhere near tired of the work yet.

What is the meaning of your life? What is it that you really live for? Erm I don’t really try to define it or have an answer to this right away because I feel like it puts a lot of unwanted pressure on me, by me. As long as I’m satisfied in the present, I shouldn’t be worrying for whom or what my life is ultimately supposed to be.

Have you ever REALLY thought what it means to have children? Yup. Having kids would be the perfect life, but realistically speaking I am not at all ready to start that particular chapter. I don’t make enough money to be able to build a family, and I’ve never even tried changing a diaper yet...then you have to think about weekly formulas, what school to enroll them in, building a nursery...it’s all very hectic and stressful and it’s definitely not a priority as of the moment.

Are you planning to have children anyway? It would be nice, but I still don’t know if it’s in my future.

What is the most awful thing about the world today? I doooooooooon’t understand racism. It’s those videos of white people being caught on tape harassing POCs without a care in the world that get to me the most. It’s horrifying and it’s made me have close to zero plans to travel to the places where the videos usually come from. It’s happened too many times and too many clips have gone viral, that I can’t help but think it would happen to me and my family as well. What do you think is the worst being on the planet? Abusive and/or neglectful parents.

Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for? Nopes.

Have you ever been in court? If so, in which role? Definitely not.

Which do you think is a more valuable being, a human or an animal? I don’t think it’s fair to compare. A life is a life.

What, in your opinion, will cause the end of the world? I’m gonna let science answer this and refer to whatever predictions they have for the future based on their calculations. 

What does your mother do for work? She works in an international hotel chain as an executive secretary, but work is actually kind of slippery for her at the moment because of Covid. There are only certain days in the week where she’s called in to report for work, and there is a chance those requests will stop coming in at a certain point.

^If she's a homemaker, any specific reason for this? She’s not anymore but she did enjoy a brief period of being a homemaker after resigning from her previous workplace back in likeeeee 2013 I’d say? which according to her had increasingly turned into a toxic environment after 20+ years of working there.

What about your father? What does he do? He is an executive sous chef. Cruise ship industry, so his situation is also actually quite bleak. Fortunately the job security with his company is a lot stronger and more guaranteed.

How do you like your coffee? I like it sweet and for its color to be light brown.

If you're of age, what's your favorite alcoholic drink? Tequila shots if we’re going hard. Long Island Iced Tea or Zombie if I’m looking to have a chill session with friends. Red Horse is fine as well, whatever. I hate beer with a passion but I’d drink it if everyone in the table is having a bottle.

If you're under-aged, what is your favorite soft drink? Bold of you to assume all minors like soda hahaha. I don’t, though.

Do you smoke? Yeah, just super seldom though because I don’t want to form a habit. I had the opportunity to last Friday but voluntarily skipped out on it, but that was also because I already had a vape pen on me.

^If so, did you start when you were 18 or were you younger? My first cigarette was when I was 21. Start of 2020.

Did your parents approve of your smoking/alcohol use before you turned 18? They wouldn’t have approved of it at all. And I wouldn’t have let myself either.

Do you have siblings? If not, skip the next few questions. Yeup.

Are you eldest, in the middle or youngest? I’m the eldest of two siblings.

How big an age gap is between you and your siblings? With my sister, 2 years. With my brother, 5 years.

Do/did your siblings cause trouble? Not at all, actually. We were all well-behaved, aka the three of us were always too shy to do anything bad or mischevious. I guess the biggest issues with each of us were - I was very messy with my stuff and ignored all my homework; Nina was a crybaby and would get into tears over literally any inconvenience; and my brother was a violent crybaby, which means he is Nina but always ready to punch you in the face, kick you in the neck or stomach, scream into your ear, etc.

If your siblings are old enough, what do they do for work? My sister is taking up digital filmmaking in an art school; my brother is only in his junior year of high school.

Have you ever been jealous of your siblings? I’m not jealous of her, but Nina is amazing at art and drawing and painting and all that stuff and I always wish I shared even like 1/98th of her skills, hahah.

Do you still live with your parent/s or do you live alone/with a partner? I live with my family, yeah. I’m nowhere near ready to start being on my own.

What do you think about growing up? Like what Paramore said (heheh), has to happen sometimes.

What about having responsibilities? I don’t really think anything of them? They’re kind of expected.

Do you know how to cook? Nope.

^If so, what's your favorite thing to cook? I don’t know how to make anything yet, but some dishes I would love to be able to master are risotto and paella. I’d also love to inherit my grandma’s kare-kare recipe but I’m already 300% sure from this early that I’ll never be able to make it as good as she does.

What about baking? I also can’t bake but some stuff I’d want to learn how to make are cupcakes, macarons, cheesecake, and a chocolate chip cookie recipe so good that my kids would literally bring their friends over to our house just to make them try it.

Do you ever drink tea? Iced tea for the most part. If I do ever drink the traditional hot tea, it’s usually because it’s served either at a hotel I’m staying at, or at an Asian restaurant.

Have you ever followed any of these fad diets that go around? I don’t follow a diet. I’m usually open to trying out foods that are packaged to fall under a certain diet, though – paleo, keto, etc. - just to experience how much different it could possibly taste from the food I typically have.

What do you usually order at your favorite restaurant? I usually get rosu, a type of tonkatsu cut that has a lining of fat on its side. My favorite restaurant then provides unlimited rice, miso soup, and cabbage with my order.

Do you prefer a proper restaurant to a fast food place? Not necessarily. I love a lot of either.

What's your dream vehicle? A Mini Countryman.

What about your dream house? I don’t have an exact image of it yet, but I always said that my dream house, wherever and whatever it might be, must have a room for all the wrestling memorabilia I plan to collect in the future. It’ll be like a ~mancave~  as I also plan to have a couch and a big TV in it so I can watch documentaries and pay-per-views there.

What is the biggest dream of your life? Right now, I would say the ‘biggest’ - since I’ve established it since I was a kid - is to go to the 50th installment of Wrestlemania, which is like the Superbowl of wrestling. This year it’ll be the 37th, so I have 13 years left to plan the dream out and save up and stuff.

If you could travel to another country right now, where would you go? Morocco.

What is a country you'd never ever visit? There isn’t a country I wouldn’t want to visit at least once. I’d probably avoid the ones that have dangerous political situations or are literally at war at the moment, but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to step foot in them.

Are you good at taking care of your finances? I’m getting there! I was able to have a good amount of savings this month :) My finances were shit for the first two months of my job because there was immediately soooooooo much to pay for, but I’m glad everything is on track now.

Have you ever had any trouble paying your bills? Well no, because I don’t pay my own yet. I do hand a portion of my allowance to my parents every payday so that I can help out with the family bills, though.

What about your rent? We don’t have rent.

What do you think is the best thing about being an adult? The freedom that comes with it is very empowering. I don’t technically have to ask permission to go out with friends anymore, or be scared of a curfew (but my mom still imposes one, LOL. It’ll mellow it within time though, I’m sure); I make my own money and can spend it however way I want while the rest I can save; I can take a drive or book an entire trip altogether as long as I can afford it...it’s letting me get to know myself even more, in a way that college and my teenage years weren’t able to do.

What about the worst? Being expected to have my shit together when I’m very clueless still about so many things in life. I make fuckups at work at least once a week and I always feel like I’m going to get fired with every mistake, lol.

Is there a person in your life, who wastes their life somehow? Hmm, I don’t think so. I have an uncle who had seemed to be headed nowhere before, but I think he’s slowly getting back on track. I think. At least I don’t hear anything about him anymore.

^If so, how are they wasting their life? Never had a stable job, was a neglectful husband and father (I think he still is), was never able to secure a house and even a car for his family, and deals with his problems by drinking...and worse, drunk-driving, sometimes. It’s an embarrassment and I don’t care if my grandma tells me off for giving him the cold shoulder every family gathering. I’m not gonna get close to someone who negatively affects my mood and my energy.

What is something you need to do, but you keep postponing it? Getting a new pair of glasses. Booking an appointment is a Newly-Unlocked Adult Thing that I’ve never done yet, so I’m nervous and I keep putting it off, hahaha.

Do you think life should just hand things to you? Not at all.

Or should you earn the things you want and need with hard work? Yeah, there you go.

Would you rather live off government benefits or earn your own money? Earn on my own, as much as possible. But some balance would be nice as well so that I can start feeling as if the government is actually helping and serving me.

When you take a survey, do you skip questions? Typically, no. But some of the older ones I’ve seen made by, like, 15 year olds of the time will have nonsense, downright immature, or lowkey racist/homophobic questions that I will have no problem deleting altogether as I think no one here would have any interest in answering them either.

Why, do you think, people write lyrics as the title for a survey? To be creative and catchy, I guess. And it works - I do tend to click on surveys that use lyrics.

If you have a Facebook, what do you use it for? Look for things to share, mainly. I’m fully back on it now after going a way for a bit to do some healing on my own.

If you have a Twitter, what do you use it for? As a space to let out literally all my thoughts and brianfarts. No one cares on Twitter, so it’s the perfect space to make a mess and be a mess.

If you have a Tumblr, what do you use it for? I used to have a wrestling-themed Tumblr (and before that, many more other themed Tumblrs), but when my interest died down I soon switched to using Tumblr for my surveys and being more lowkey altogether on here.

If you have an iPhone, why? I find it easier to use, and I like the interface more. The camera’s features are also more to my liking.

If you have an iPad, why? We have a really old model of it, and we bought that because iPads were all the rage at the time. It had been the newest concept from Apple and most people felt they had to have one, including my family. We definitely don’t feel the need to get another tablet anytime soon since it just functions like a giant phone for the most part.

If you have the latest electronic gadgets, did you pay for them yourself? I’ve never paid for a gadget before.

Do you always put your litter in a trashcan? Of course. I know how to pick up after myself like a respectful human. < Yup.

When you walk/ride your bike/drive your car, are you careful? Yeah, unless I’m mad. Sometimes road rage will take over me tbh, especially if other people on the road have been stupid for quite some time.

What is the rudest thing a person could do or say to you? Something phobic after seeing Jess and I together. < This reminds me of when my ex and I used to get stares or whispers in public. But to be honest, I actually enjoyed those encounters because it only served as fuel for me to get even more affectionate and piss them off more, lol. Good times. 

Anyway, the rudest thing I can think of at the moment is being cut while in line. Some people do it so subtly too, and their shy, careful shuffle to get in front of me is what irritates me the most because THEY KNOW they’re doing something shitty and yet are being so sneaky about it.

Have you ever been that rude to someone else? I have never cut in line, never will.

Do you think your parents are proud of you and what you do with your life? I don’t know. I hope so. I don’t know if they’re expecting me to move out at this point, but I hope they’re at least proud of the fact that their first kid managed to land a job, especially considering we’re living in Covid times.

Which would you rather be, famous or a "nobody"? Why? Can’t I be somewhere in between? When it boils down to it, I’d probably go with being a nobody...I’d miss the socialization and having friends, but at least it means I can get away with more.

Do you need to have the latest fashion in clothes and accessories? It would be nice, but I’m not desperate to have them.

If you have a job, do you get along with your co-workers? Yeah, I’d say so. I definitely have never fought with anyone yet. It’s hard to gauge my relationship with each of them because I entered the workplace while we’re under WFH so I’ve only gotten to talk to most of them through Viber; but so far, so good.

What kind of hobbies do you have? I like traveling and learning, so anything that’s got to do with those - going to museums, visiting ancestral houses, trying local art forms - I would definitely dive into. But if I’m not in a new province or country altogether, I like trying out new food and new restaurants, embroidering, watching my favorite shows, coloring, painting, and reading essays about history. :)

Would anything in the whole world make you give up any of those hobbies? I’m not super attached to painting anymore, so I guess.

Have you had/do you have any pets? I currently have two dogs. In the past we’ve had a cat, a rabbit, two birds, and several goldfish.

Do you even like animals? I love them, except insects.

If you aren't already, would you ever get married? It would be a nice thing to tick off my life event list.

If you are already married, what was the ultimate reason for the marriage? -

As a child, did you do anything really bad? I was raised in a highly violent household with the worst influences as my elders. Yes, I managed to squeeze in some horrible stuff when no one was looking.

^If so, what was it? What were the consequences? I was violent towards my brother but won’t get into it. The only thing I’ll mention is that I used to chase him around with a knife whenever he’d start becoming too much of a headache.

As a teenager, did you do anything really bad? I don’t think so. I was well-traumatized and abused by the time I was a teenager so I was afraid of fucking anything up and being in more trouble.

^If so, what was it? What were the consequences? The worst thing I did was lie about my performance in school, honestly. Which, looking back now, doesn’t even seem like a big deal considering I was only in high school then and grades from there barely matter.

Do you have a problem with authority? Nope. Well, a good number of my teachers didn’t seem to like me for some reason. I’d say it’s their problem though since I never did anything to raise hell in school, ever.

What's your favorite comic strip? I don’t have one.

Is there a piece of clothing you absolutely must wear every day Underwear... < Yep.

Has a doctor ever told you to lose weight? No. I’ve always been on the lighter side so that has never been a comment given to me by anyone.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a lifelong disease? Isn’t scoliosis a lifelong thing? If it is, then yes I have been.

What is something you absolutely hate? Fruits.

What about something you absolutely love? Seafood! Which is why I have spicy tuna salad and dynamite rolls with me at the moment :)

[witchqueenofthemoon]

BODY AND SOUL Part 26 (Duncan Shepherd/Mackenzie Stone Millory AU)

BODY AND SOUL MASTERPOST

Author’s Note: So I was almost done editing this part in Tumblr earlier today and then my laptop, for some reason, decided to close the window, and of course I hadn’t saved it as a draft, so I lost everything I’d formatted! Including my many meticulous links for this chapter that has about 235453636 details! So, that was great!!! I had to start from scratch and find everything again (thank goddess for Google search history for once), and it took a really fucking long time--your encouraging comments for this part in particular would mean a lot because knowing anyone is actually reading will soften my deep frustration at spending literally my entire day on posting this chapter. I’ve said this before but this fic is primarily about two things: 1) big cosmic fucking love (emphasis on the FUCKING) and 2) CLOTHES, hence me elaborating on their outfits constantly ad nauseam, so if you’re ever wondering why I talk about their clothes so goddamn much, it’s because clothes are very erotic/important to me and they are a big part of the way I tell a story, especially this one. Kenzie manifests Telekinesis in this part. Oberon and Titania are the fabled King and Queen of the Fae, and the lines Duncan and Kenzie speak to each other are from Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream. Kenzie sings CRYSTAL to Duncan before they sleep--that song is very important to Duckenzie, and it will probably show up again before the end. Kenzie’s outfit in this part/part of the next: her wrap crop top, her cut-off shorts, her black bikini, her Vans. Other stuff she packs: the rust-colored mini dress, the pink rose mini-dress, the white mini-dress, the white crop top, the denim shortalls, her Timberland boots, her boot sandals, the black dress with the buckle, the gray cardigan, the gray long-sleeved top, the long linen dress with roses. I can’t find the original sunflower-colored maxi dress I based hers on now; it was sort of like this but with short sleeves. Duncan’s outfit in this part: his button-down, his jersey shorts, his Suede Pumas. Other stuff he packs: the navy flannel, the other button-down, the Nike club hoodie, the zip-up hoodie, chino shorts, tee shirts, relaxed chinos, Nike hiking boots, fitted chinos, the feather shirt Kenzie likes, his black swim trunks. My Duncan doesn’t wear jeans, and Kenzie rarely wears pants; that’s just their stylistic preferences. His suitcase, her suitcase, her moon and sun tote. The Yeti coolers look like this and apparently keep stuff cold, like, FOREVER. Here’s the stargazing book, which I have. Duncan’s gold weed pipe looks like this and was inspired by these pictures of Cody smoking a weird vape, and also was inspired by the fact that he’s apparently (sources tell me) a big stoner irl, which I love. Pullman’s The Golden Compass/Northern Lights is indeed about parallel universes, among other things. I had to make them listen to Kiiara’s Gloe, a song that definitely sounds like it’s about Duckenzie, as I mentioned before. The Blue Skies remix is this one by Maya Jane Coles. I’m the bitch who has loved WUTHERING HEIGHTS fiercely since middle school, hence me giving Kenzie that love/a good recollection of it. I love writing their little conversations so fucking much--just my moon babies, in love. The route to Deep Creek Lake really is via a road called Lakeside Trail. The luxury cabin was inspired by two different models, this one for the front, this one for the back. The gazebo looks like this, more or less. The front room looks sort of like this, but with darker wood, no TV, a bigger fireplace (something like this, with dark stone around instead of the white wood), and not as much taxidermy. The Swarovski chandelier is like this. The bed is like this, the headboard like this, the gold laurels, and Annie Swynnerton’s Cupid and Psyche, which, fuck it, I’m saying is the real thing that Annette bought at an auction at some point (now I want a print of that one too, I love it so much, especially the flower crown in Cupid’s hair). The copper bathtub will feature again soon. I looked at this photo of Billie and this one of Cody a lot while I wrote this chapter; that’s my Kenzie and my Duncan. I said this to Luna ( @misslunarayne ) yesterday--but sometimes I get so overwhelmed by how much I love what I’m creating that I legitimately feel like I’m going to pass the fuck out. ART AND LOVE ARE THE DRUG, LADIES/GENTS/NONBINARY FOLKS. As ever, your likes, reblogs, asks, comments and edits mean the world to me. Get ready for ~a lot~ of fucking in the next chapter.

And here at the end of the evening, watching the night lights of the District of Columbia scatter and disperse as Duncan drove them back to the penthouse, Kenzie was full of contentment.

It washed over her like water, like a tide; to be inside this moment with you, Duncan, is like the purest solitude. To be inside your mind as I know you’re in mine, and to feel so much peace inside that certainty. Despite the pressing chaos of the Gala, a chaos that had tried unsuccessfully to disturb them, Kenzie knew that in the future, she’d only retain the joy from this night in her memories: Lindy and Gabby in their floral dresses, tears in Lindy’s eyes, the purity of the happiness Kenzie had felt in Duncan’s arms as the photographers snapped their cameras wildly, the way Duncan had fucked her so passionately, so utterly, his voice dipping into her ear (you are the greatest pleasure I’ve ever felt, will ever feel, you’re mine and I’m infinitely blessed) his lips open on her neck, the press of the plug still inside her now, holding him inside her, the look of him leaning next to Day, his face serene, happy, and oh-so-deeply beautiful, the nostalgic joy in his gaze as he had flipped through the mythology book now safely resting on her lap. The dark beauty of him now, the dark shadow shrouding his blue gaze, glancing at her singing, the adoration in his eyes so strong it made her shiver.

“I love you so much,” he said, his tone resolute and aching, then with his mind, I love you so much, I love you, love you, love you forever angel, my angel, divine goddess his thoughts echoed against her, devolving down into blue warmth like a fading fire. “Baby, we finally get to be alone. Really alone. Oh god, I can’t wait. I might never want to come back. Would you come live in the woods with me, wild and free, Princess Kenzie?” Duncan’s gold Cartier bracelet glinted on his elegant wrist as he deftly jerked the steering wheel, his eyes glancing between her and the road, that angelic smile playing at his mouth, dizzying her. As it always will.

“I would, Fae Prince,” Kenzie drifted her fingers along the frayed edges of the mythology book, gazing up at him from the halo of her eyelashes. She felt the waves of his delight at that--the shy approval of his acceptance. The romance of this evening is ours. It exists because it exists between us. That’s all there is--this. Us. And you truly are my Prince.  “Oberon of the fairies.”

“Am I not thy lord, Titania?” Duncan grinned at her, and the blue depth of his eyes flashed darkly, and Kenzie’s breath caught. Oh sweet Goddess, you are. My body is yours and you know it is. My soul clings to yours as though it’s the lifeblood of me. Your soul is mine and the knowledge of you encircles my heart and I’m overcome in its beauty. You are my lord. You are my Hades in your shadowed majesty, my Dionysus in your wanton desire for me, if I am Titania, you are Oberon most assuredly, the moon to my sun, the sun to my moon, the sky that holds the stars of me, and my lord. Always.

“Then I must be thy lady,” Kenzie replied, reaching for his hand--Duncan grasped it with fingers hot and insistent, his thoughts bursting with warmth at her words, pulling them away a moment later as he turned the steering wheel again, onto the side-street where the high-rise was tucked off the main road, in its serene stretch of manicured lawn. The moon was silhouetted in almost the very center of the sky, not quite descending west yet. The G-Class shut off with almost no sound at all--its sleek, streamlined affect seemed almost intelligent, knowing. Kenzie looked up into the sky, gentle moonlight kissing her cheeks as she slid out of the passenger seat, brushing her hair from her shoulders--waves of it had freed themselves from Hannah’s ordered mess of roses and Kenzie watched several petals scatter on the sidewalk around her as her hand fell. She turned to Duncan, who had exited the car, coming up behind her, his hand drifting across the back of her head, down the cascade of her rosy hair. His eyes were on the petals that had fallen to the ground, then he looked at her as she turned to him, her hair still sliding through his fingers, and she could feel the ache of his mind, knew what he was thinking, saw his earnest vulnerability, felt the pounding of his heart, heard the rapid beating of her own.

I want to ask you to marry me, he was thinking. I want to ask you, Kenzie. I want to so much...

Kenzie shook her head a little, her mouth dipping open, her hand coming up to his stubbled cheek--in that hazy ring of moonlight, the stars shrouded by city lights but still almost visible above them, in that cocoon of night, and the rest of the world seemed to be utterly still but for the distant sounds of traffic far off in the distance, the slightness of the summer wind.

Not yet, Duncan. Not yet. Wait until we find out--find out whatever it is. The thing that’s coming. You feel it too. I know you do, as certainly as the dawn, as the moon in the sky right now. It’s almost here. The knowledge--the secret thing.

“Wait,” Kenzie whispered, and Duncan’s hands came down to her cheeks, and he held her there with such a delicate sweetness Kenzie felt herself immediately begin to cry. A tear drifted down from her eye to his thumb, and Duncan brushed it away, his mouth falling open in dismay. She smiled--it’s okay, baby, my sweet Prince, it’s okay. My tears are a relief to me inside your love. It moves me so much, I have to cry. “Just wait a little bit longer. Just a little longer, okay?”

Duncan was nodding, and Kenzie could see the threat of tears on him, too--he drifted his fingers against her for another moment, his face, shrouded in shadow and angelic as a painting on the roof of some holy chapel, leaning down to her, his height enveloping her, filling her with solace. The wind was drifting into his curls, and Kenzie felt utterly moved by what seemed to be on the horizon--she felt lost inside its rising call, the feeling of it suddenly swirling around them like a whirling sphere of gold, the sidewalk deserted, the night so quiet. It was as if they’d suddenly been transported to another universe, imperceptibly, in the hair’s-breadth span of a moment. Everything looked the same, but the air was different, charged with a potency that seemed alien. Because that other universe is always so close, Kenzie thought, her mind hazy with Duncan’s eyes. Isn’t it? That’s true, isn’t it, baby? That other universe, and all of them, hovering nearby.

Then the thought, imperceptible, obtuse--and the feeling--drifted away. Duncan still seemed to be lost inside her mind, in her gaze--she could feel him, rosy and desirous, falling down the curves of her body, the invisible touch of him along the golden gown she still wore, the fingers of his soul at her throat, imagining her in the throes of his passionate attentions. Kenzie shivered, then gently pulled his hand down from her cheek; Duncan dutifully gathered her train over his arm, and they walked down the pathway to the high-rise’s entrance with the moon shining on them, watchful, and its face seemed familiar again, no longer the hidden moon from a moment ago, Kenzie thought, but our moon again, though I know the other moon--those other moons--are always behind this one, aren’t they? Those other moons live beside our moon, and together they echo through time. Tonight there’s a thinness--and in that thinness, there are visible things that will vanish when daylight comes again.

It was well past midnight now, and neither Anchaly or Jerry were anywhere to be seen--a security guard sat in Anchaly’s usual seat at the front desk, and he glanced up at Duncan and Kenzie, then did a nervous double-take. Kenzie smiled at him, yep it’s us, those Instagram stars, then Duncan was pulling her with him into the elevator out of the guard’s eyesight, and she was falling against him, the book and her clutch in her arms pressing into his belly; she could see that Duncan had closed his eyes in the mirror in front of them, and his face was lined with tiredness now, the makeup there no longer able to conceal it. Lost in the feeling of you, my constant comfort, my Kenzie, and Kenzie closed her eyes too, turning her nose into his shirt and breathing deeply, her hands coming up to clutch at the lapels of his jacket, the golden tips of his collar.

“I can’t believe we can finally be alone together, baby,” she whispered. “I can’t believe it. Really alone. I’ve missed the woods so much--and we’ll be together--”

“Wait until you see it, baby,” Duncan said as they walked to the penthouse door. He was tiredly reaching for his wallet, but his hand slipped and he dropped it--Kenzie smiled, dipping down to pick it up, holding her clutch and the mythology book against her chest with her elbows, opening it, loving the feeling of the leather in her fingers (because it’s his, because it belongs to him) as she pulled his keycard out (there were at least ten other cards in it, and at least ten or twelve hundred dollar bills alongside two dozen crisp twenty dollars bills--Kenzie recognized his Black AmEx immediately amid several other American Express cards, scrunched her nose up at his license for a moment, SHEPHERD, DUNCAN MALCOLM, then the penthouse address, SEX M, HGT 5’11”, WGT 160, EYES BLU, DOB 07/06/1988, his solemn expression in it crushing her heart with affection), swiping it through the keypad beside the door. She tucked the keycard back inside the wallet and then, in a moment of abandon, lifted it to her mouth and kissed it. Duncan gave her a look of deep longing, lifting his chin back, eyes closing, biting his lip--then Kenzie reached behind her head, grasping the softness of one of the rose buds there, gently pulled at the petals--two in dark, aching red came out in her fingers, and she opened the side-nook of the wallet, slipping the petals inside.

“Just a memory of tonight,” she murmured, and slid the wallet back into his back pocket, her fingers lingering along the rise of his ass. Duncan dipped and caught her mouth inside his--he pulled the penthouse door open absently as they clung together, refusing to break apart as they stumbled inside, his hand coming down to press at the aching plug (still there, still pressing into me, aching with you now, aching with the length of my supplication to you, holding your release deep inside me). The tiredness in her seemed to dissipate now; she felt his lifting too, lifting in the cadence of his desire rising again. Kenzie noticed several shipping boxes piled by the kitchen island from the haze of his embrace, throwing the book and her clutch down on the obsidian surface, remembering the things she’d ordered for the trip a few days before, then returned to his touch, the feeling of his fingers.

“Bed. Come, baby.” Kenzie broke away from him, not even bothering to unwrap her shoes--you can do it in our bed, beloved. You will undress me. She ran to the bedroom, her train slipping from his fingers, away from him because she knew he’d follow, suddenly intoxicated with their bed’s serene black surface as it came into view--threw herself on it, watching with delight as the golden train of her dress floated out behind her, stretching off the bed in gathers that pilled along the dark wood. She turned from the position on her belly, crooking her knees as Duncan followed her into the room--he was suddenly on top of her, his much larger form enveloping her, pushing her gently down so her back was facing him, his legs on either side of her hips, his crotch pressing gently into her ass--his long fingers were instantly at the concealed zipper along her spine, pressing it down insistently. As he went lower he slid off the bed, hands coming up to begin to ease the sleeves from her arms, pulling her toward him with ease, and Kenzie turned to face him, laying on her back now as Duncan peeled the dress off her breasts. His mouth came down to one of her nipples as it came free, and Kenzie shuddered against him, against his lips, his hands working the dress down now, lips reluctantly pulling away so he could ease the dress from her hips, exposing the delicate panties he’d carefully helped her into again in that quiet powder room. Duncan had the exquisite dress Morgan had created for Kenzie in his hands now--Kenzie went to get up, but Duncan shook his head.

“Don’t, baby. Stay here.” Kenzie lay back, still wearing her golden heels and panties, her eyelids shivering, her breath gasping now in anticipation, rose petals scattered on the sheet behind her head. Duncan disappeared into the walk-in closet for a moment, then reappeared a moment later without her dress. Too beautiful a thing to discard on the floor this time, she knew, and nodded to him, loving his thoughtfulness, his mindfulness. Duncan came up to the edge of the bed, his dark and gold jacket shimmering down at her, his darkly-shadowed eyes roving from her hair scattered on the bed around her to her breasts, her nipples shivering with hardness, then he dipped his (beautiful) hands to the waistband of her panties, pulling them down as he kneeled before her, kneeled before their bed. Your altar, she heard him, and she trembled, her body feeling too hot and too cold at once inside his blue eyes. Duncan.worked at the ties at her ankles with his graceful long hands, kissing the inclines of her feet as he pulled the shoes off, carefully setting them aside. Kenzie glanced over his shoulder, watching the shape of his back, the velvety gold of his blazer, the soft fall of his hair, kneeling before her in the Mirror. My Prince kneels before me, oh, fuck, Goddess--

“Do you want me to undress?” He asked her; and his thoughts were intensely earnest, his mind interested only in her needs, making her think of evening clouds drifting in an indigo sunset. Oh Duncan, you are so beautiful inside. So fucking lovely. I feel selfish to behold this part of you, this hidden wondrous beauty of you, but I can’t help it, I want it all to myself. Beloved, exalted in my eyes. You’re so beautiful to look at, but oh, Goddess, your real beauty is the one the world cannot see, and I am moved by him, that hidden self, body and soul.

“No--” Kenzie gasped as the cool air of the room drifted against the sensitivity of the plug, the hardness of her nipples, and her arms broke out in goosebumps. She moved her thighs apart as his hands pressed insistently up the incline of her legs, felt the lips of her sex spread open for him, the stretch of her asshole around the plug, wet with the residue of his come. “I want you to suck on me, Prince, give your mouth to me with your come held inside my naked body, worship my body that belongs to you--”

“Kenzie, fuck,” he whispered, then Duncan brought his face down close to the open lips of her, laving out his tongue, wet with spit that dripped from his aching mouth, to press insistently to her clit, lingering there as she writhed inside his grasp for a moment, lifting her chin to the ceiling and moaning in a soft, prolonged stream that she knew would drive him insane with longing--then one of his hands was drifting from her thigh to her belly, from her belly to pinch insistently at her breast, twisting her nipple in a hard grip that made her gasp, then drifting up further to her neck, to where she still wore Adelaide’s braided golden ruby, and Duncan pressed his elegant, achingly lovely hand into her there, and gripped her tightly as he sucked, hard and unrelenting, at her clit. Kenzie’s hips bucked up in a keening roll that bled into a steady rhythm, the whining cries from her sent out like entreating prayers to him, and she was murmuring his name, her hands thrown back, palms open at either side of her head, knowing he wanted her to stay still, knowing he wanted to hold her under his mercy in this moment, murmuring to him to try to keep herself from coming already, fuck, not yet, I want you to give me everything, my Prince, I dream of your mouth on me always, your devotions. The pressure of the plug in her ass was sending shocks up her spine with every convulsion of her cunt under his lips and tongue, and his hand at her throat was sweet with constriction.

“Choke me, baby,” she heard herself, whimpering, “Ch-choke me and suck my clit, I’m your angel baby and I n-need you--need you--fuck me with your mouth--”

“Mmmhm,” Duncan’s mouth was buried flush against her, but Kenzie could feel the rolling vibrations of his lips humming against her, and his hand was pressing with measured strength, harder, into her neck, the feeling of his fingers so intense they seemed to burn against her. Kenzie let out a little gasp, and Duncan moved his hand up to the dip of where her jaw began at the top of her throat; with careful insistence he pressed her chin back so her eyes couldn’t see him, were forced to look towards the wall behind them, the empty wall that she’d said they should put something on--for a brief second, Kenzie contemplated this again, wildly--we really should put something on that wall, something beautiful--and then Duncan was raising his head to rest his chin for a moment on her abdomen, still forcing her head back, his other hand coming down to rub at her clit so she’d have no reprieve from his attentions.

“Kenzie, you taste like fucking heaven, baby, like the fucking nectar of heaven, like ambrosia, you taste like wine made from the apples of trees that grow in paradise, I dream about the sweet scent of your cunt now and I wake up in hunger for you, all I want is you, you bless me to let me worship you this way, princess of heaven, my flower of the universe--”

Kenzie was shivering under his hand, her hips trembling, and she tried to move back from his fingers, loathe to come yet, loathe to miss his fingers touching her with such terrible sweetness, and she was murmuring between her gasping, heard herself say “put your fingers in my mouth, baby, make me suck on you too,” and he was nodding, bringing his index and middle fingers up to her wet, shuddering bottom lip, pulling her head back down to look at him, dipping them inside her to press on her tongue for a moment before drifting up so she could close her mouth on him, his other fingers still holding her head back, still keeping her steady, prostrate, and Kenzie sucked desperately at his (those hands, for me alone, let me worship you too, baby) fingers, whimpered into the feeling of his skin, and Duncan was burying his mouth against her again, his tongue gentle now, but no less insistent, dipping against her until she keened once more, keened against his arm pressed along her body between her breasts, holding her down for him, you like keeping me here, don’t you, baby, she drifted against him, you like holding me down, making me writhe for you, my angelic love--

“Fuck, yes,” Duncan’s reply was spoken aloud, and Kenzie knew he wanted to speak his longing into her, not just press his love to her sex, but speak it into the room, fill every corner with it. “I do, baby, I fucking do, I love you all to myself this way,” and he was licking along the curve of the lips of her sex, down to the dip of skin before the plug pushed snugly inside her, “Unng, baby, fuck, you taste so good--wait till we’re in the woods, I’m gonna fuck you every hour, fuck you until we’re so exhausted we have to sleep all day, and then we’ll wake up and fuck again, I’ll worship you again and again, into the night, under the stars, all through the day until the sun is dipping low in the sky--” he was dipping his fingers in and out of the wetness of her mouth now, making her moan with the sensation of being filled so with his lips and his fingers and the plug, still sending its shockwaves through her back every time Duncan made her cunt twinge; the space between her convulsions was becoming smaller and smaller, and she was beginning to see golden bursts of need in the corners of her vision, bearing down on her--Duncan seemed to sense how close she was treading to her orgasm, and he continued to speak against her between his admonitions, dipping his tongue into the shuddering twinge of her vulva, then long and languid at her clit, then speaking the sweet, ardent poem into her, his breath so shivering-soft, brushing down onto the wetness gathering strongly between her legs, her arousal and his saliva mingling irrevocably--Duncan brought his hand away from her mouth to grasp her under both thighs, hitching her knees over his shoulders so she was lifted up utterly, into his face, his eyes closing in the throes of his ardency, shrouding them in the dark eyeshadow still on him, reminding her of some holy fresco painted dark, a pious congregant in ecstatic worship, an achingly lovely visage of a damned soul finally redeemed. I love your eyelashes, your sweet eyelids, the incline of your cheeks, your mouth, fu-fuck, your beautiful fucking mouth, Duncan, how--how are you mine--

“You’re my angel, you’re fucking heaven to me--you’re a fucking goddess, even now you’re dipped in gold, the gold is you, it’s you, only you, exalted, beloved, entire, my only--” Duncan brought his fingers down, pressing them into the plug, pulling gently at it so she cried out at the smooth pressure of the bulb against the opening of her there as he flushed his mouth onto the bud of her again, “--So fucking beautiful I never want to look away from you, Kenzie--so fucking beautiful you fill all of my senses and time means nothing against you--nothing, uhhh, fuck, Kenzie--my fucking beautiful angel, god, I fucking love your body, I want to hold it forever--my Princess, sweetest golden honey, my moonlight, come for me, come for me, come against my lips, come into me--” and he was lifting his mouth away, bringing the hand that had toyed with the plug up, raising a flat palm to give her a little testing slap along the spread lips of her sex--Kenzie whined and bucked up into the air, her knees over his shoulders, his mouth hovering near her, smiling that smile beyond the beauty of her imagining, and she was whimpering again, and now she was begging, “Fuck, baby, please, do it again, I’m so close,” and Duncan’s face went slack with adoration, a little moan escaping him too to see her beg, to hear the sweetness of it, she knew--

Then he brought his palm down more harshly, the sound of it snapping into the wetness between her legs as he slapped her clit with a concentrated, sharp pressure, and Kenzie cried out, her eyes closing with an involuntary, ragged intake of breath--the coil of her orgasm was making her thighs begin to shake uncontrollably now, and she knew Duncan could see it in her eyes, see that she was about to let go for him, and he yanked her across the black sheet to the edge of the bed, so she was intently against him, as close as he could possibly clutch her to his open mouth, bringing both hands down to her face, one grasping at her neck again, against the cool gold of the necklace, oh god, Adelaide, if you could see where your necklace is now, Kenzie thought wildly, under the hot fingers of your grandson fucking the life out of me with his tongue, his other hand dipping around the space under her ear, his thumb probing into her mouth again, dipping harshly into the crook of it, forcing her lips open to him, wanting my mouth open to him, she knew, could feel his desire like an intense bluish flood, felt his thumb move down to her bottom lip and press it open, could feel the satisfaction in him when her moan needled up.

He leaned back from her cunt just long enough to spit a rivulet of saliva down onto her clit, then he pressed his tongue there again and she was dazzled with bursts of glittering anticipation, down from her mind into her body to her thighs, and Kenzie whimpered into his fingers, a whimper that became a wailing convulsion--Duncan did not ease his mouth, rather rebounded onto her as the plug tormented at her, pressing into her as her thighs shook, the shiver moving down her legs and down through the center of her abdomen, coursing out in tendrils of white-hot pleasure from his mouth’s avid attention.

Kenzie’s chin lifted back as she came now, her voice pressing out an sobbing cry that rattled every corner of her mind--she felt Duncan’s hands press more harshly into her mouth, harder into her neck, bringing dips of darkness into her vision, could feel the shuddering of her cunt under his mouth, the reverberations of the plug, and tears were coursing down her cheeks in an instant--she was crying in earnest now, but unlike the tears from earlier tonight, prompted by the terrible hate in Bill Shepherd’s agonized eyes and her own rebounded sadness toward the people who had surrounded Duncan for so much of his life, these tears were ecstatic, astounded at the fullness she felt inside this moment with him, utterly shaken by the feeling drifting out of him in surges that felt like a kiss on every inch of her.

Duncan heard her sobs now, she knew, because he’d lifted his eyes up to her from his pressing diligence between her legs--he lifted his mouth away as she came down from the edge, and his arms were lifting her limp, spent body into him now, sliding up onto the bed as he held her so his knees were against the black sheet, sliding her naked body up to the pillow to set her head gently against it, scattering rose petals as he did from her hair now coming undone, his mouth, wet with her sex, coming to kiss along her cheek and jaw. His arms were caressing at her, up and down her waist, along the dips of her breasts and against her neck, but with aching gentleness now, and Kenzie felt like she was on fire with his touch, could barely catch her breath with her tears. She grasped at his velvet jacket, her hands trailing at the gold collar, lifting up to his hair, to his cheek with its sweet stubble, and her tears were terribly hot and their salt fell between her lips, a relief inside the depth of her love for him in that moment.

“Shhhh, baby, shhhhh--” and Duncan was hovering over her, hands coming up to her hair and her cheek, soothing over her there, his elbows crooked on either side of her body, his much larger one enveloping her with his dark velvets and silky shirt, the heavy heat of him, the overwhelming musky-sandalwood-woods scent of him, his desire and his love, the scent of her sex lingering near her cheek now from his mouth as he kissed along her skin, making her sigh and shake, drying her tears. “I love you, Kenzie, baby, I love you--” and she could feel his thoughts, knew that he could sense her relief, the depth of the calmness settling into her now, sense how good (so fucking good baby fucking fuck I love you too Duncan I love you) he had made her feel, and she could feel him smiling into her cheek, feel his joy at her joy and her peace, and she wished this moment could extend, on and on, its perfection shaking her heart.

“It is perfect, isn’t it,” he whispered against her, and she could feel the tininess of his eyelashes as his eyes closed against her, and she felt close to her tears again, had to scrunch her face so they wouldn’t begin anew, and Duncan was saying “oh, Kenzie, oh, baby, if you want to cry, it’s okay--” and she was pressing her arms around the back of his hair, pulling him down against her so she fell into the space of his arms with his head beside her on the pillow, pressed her wet cheek against his heart, tucking her arms down between them against her mouth, bringing her legs together, shivering at the sensitivity of her sex, the deep moisture there from her release and his mouth. His cheek pressed into the crown of her hair, his fingers tangling in the roses that were drifting apart in the chestnut waves scattered behind her. Kenzie sighed again--a deep, shuddering sigh, a sigh that she knew was pushing away everything from the past two days, pushing it away from him too, insisting that now, beginning now, starting now, under this moon, like the all-knowing eye of some resplendent white goddess, and away from the other, prying eyes of everyone and everything, they’d worship each other in earnest, get lost--it’s time to get lost in each other, my dearest love. The days to come belong to us and us alone.

“Wait till you see it,” he was whispering into her hair. “Fuck, baby, I’m never going to want to leave, I know it already--even imagining being with you there feels like--like a beautiful dream. We’ll light a bonfire, we’ll bring the big blanket out under the summer sky, there’s this patch a quarter of a mile from the cabin, the trees part and the sky is totally spread out, and you can see everything at night--” Kenzie felt herself calming, let herself float inside the sound of his voice--the penthouse was blessedly quiet, any sounds from the world outside hushed, 30 stories down, far away. This is the only thing I want in the world right now, she knew, just to be here with you, the memory of your mouth still lingering on me, your hands in my hair, the jasmine-cedar scent of you, the beating of your heart against me.

“There are so many goldenrods in the summer, too, and last time there were all these wild orchids--Annette and Bill had this weekend retreat with all these Congress members, god, it was awful--but--one evening I escaped from everyone and went off in the woods alone and the light was falling so sweetly on them, everything was bathed in soft gold and deep blue, and I think I hoped for you that night, Kenzie, I think I longed for you, even though I didn’t know it was you I was thinking of, I didn’t know it was you I was missing so terribly, but it was, wasn’t it? It was you all along...it’s always been you. I know that now.”

Kenzie lifted her chin up from where it had been pressed against him, and Duncan brought his mouth down onto her, and their kiss was dream-soft and so earnest from him it almost pained her, his mind aching against her--she could feel the slight weight of his cock on her leg through where the pants still constricted him, knowing he was hovering around his arousal again, but also feeling the depth of his tiredness, the sincerity of his emotion inside the memory of his loneliness. He leaned away, the blue of his eyes so bright they didn’t seem real, then he pushed himself up, hand drifting down to her hip, looking down at her, his elbow crooked so his face hovered over her.

“I’m starving, baby,” Kenzie murmured up to him, sleepiness tinging her voice, her hands drifting at his velvet arms. The pillow was so soft under her head, his fingers so soothing on her skin--her eyes closed for a moment as Kenzie surrendered to the wave of tiredness that washed over her. Your touch is home. It’s the highest of all pleasures, the most soothing thing I’ve ever felt. Your touch.

“Okay, baby, hang on--don’t fall asleep yet,” and she felt Duncan kiss her cheek, his lips drifting down to press more along her skin, two kisses, three, four--then he lifted away from her and she opened her eyes, turning to watch his velvet back retreat, his hand drifting through the back of his hair--he glanced back at her, eyes adoring, and she smiled, bringing her hands down to drift between her legs, I can still feel your mouth there, and he grinned shyly (still shy of me, I can’t believe it), disappearing through the doorway.

A moment later she heard him call to her from the kitchen, his voice amused and curious. “Baby, what’s in all these boxes?” She could hear the small sounds of him moving around there, but not their precision--she waited for a moment, still floating inside her post-orgasm, not answering. Duncan reappeared after a few more beats, having removed his shoes and blazer now, a black bowl in one hand and a Waterford glass in the other. He slid onto the bed again, holding the glass down to her. Kenzie propped herself up against the headboard, clutching it in two hands and drinking greedily. The water was wonderfully cold and clear, and it brushed some of the sleepiness from her mind. She sat up more, feeling the plug pressing into her as her ass brushed along the sheets; she shivered out a little moan, and could see the desire flit across Duncan’s gaze again. She smiled at him and leaned over to set the glass on his nightstand; he passed her the bowl now, hand dipping down to her thigh. It had another bunch of the crimson grapes they’d been eating earlier (The Youth of Bacchus, Kenzie thought, fighting the urge to run to the study to look at it right now, thrilled with knowledge that she could if she wanted to, for it hung there), a handful of raw almonds, and a long bar of very dark chocolate in six segments that looked almost black in the low bedroom light.

“Ooo, baby,” and she was squealing with delight at the chocolate, reaching for it with insistent fingers, crossing her legs under her against the sheet. She broke a piece off and lifted it up to his mouth--Duncan’s teeth snatched it out of her fingers and Kenzie couldn’t help but laugh--being with you. She leaned up to kiss him, the sweet, dark taste of the chocolate mingling in their mouths. Being with you is heaven.

“What’s in all those boxes?” Duncan asked again, reaching for some of the grapes, popping them in his mouth, then reaching up to his collar and beginning to unbutton it. He pulled the hem of the shirt out of his belt, easing it off his arms, then worked at the buckle as his eyes drifted over her nakedness--Kenzie felt shy under his gaze, wondering again if that feeling would ever fade. Caught in the eyes of this beautiful boy--truly beautiful, a face that a sculptor would die to render, Michael the Archangel, David trapped in stone, fairest Adonis. And he kneels to me. Kneels and worships ME.

“Stuff I ordered for our trip,” she replied, breaking off more chocolate, twining golden strands of hair around her finger, recalling. “Ghost stories--” she wiggled her fingers at him and he laughed, “--and some quilts and blankets for our bed--I want it to be extra cozy--and for stargazing, a fireside cooking kit--we can make tinfoil dinners, those are so fun--and, well, a bunch of clothes--” and she grinned at him, loving the way his face immediately went soft with the prospect, enthralled with the mere mention of such a thing. Baby, she thought, you get to watch me get dressed every day now, every fucking day, you care stare as much as you want.

“--including these tiny little cutoff shorts, and a little black bikini,” she added, lowering her voice to a whisper as she spoke, letting her mouth hang open at the end, her eyes teasing him.

“Fuck,” Duncan leaned in to kiss her, and as he did he bit gently at her bottom lip, sucking for a moment and then releasing her--and then he was dropping his belt on the floor to the side of the bed, bringing his legs over it to ease the pants off, then his socks, then his briefs, discarding them all in a heap, freeing his partially-hard cock. He looked over at her, reached for the chocolate in her hand, fingers drifting down her skin, then breaking another piece off and dipping it into his mouth (your lips, baby). Then he rose with a teasing glance of his own to her, and went into the bathroom--Kenzie admired his ass as he did, blushing a little into her chocolate. Round and smooth. I wanna bite it. She heard the water running, and set the remainder of the chocolate in the bowl, sliding off the bed, wincing a little at the soreness of the plug still inside her.

Kenzie stepped into the bathroom; Duncan was washing his face, and she glanced down, watching the dark makeup swirl down the drain. The Gala really is finally over. I’m so relieved, honestly. Now it feels like I can breathe again. Like we can breathe. This revelation from Annette may have actually been a blessing in disguise. Time to run away with you for awhile, my love. Duncan was patting his face dry with a towel, then he turned to her as she came up beside him, leaning on the sink. She knew he could hear her. Can you take my plug out now, please, Prince?

“I’ll take it out now. Lean down a little, baby.”

Kenzie nodded, and leaned over the basin, moving her feet apart so her thighs were spread slightly. Duncan unscrewed the top of the coconut oil on the counter and dipped his fingers into it--then he stepped behind her and eased the fingers around the jewel at her backside. Kenzie breathed in, slowly.

“Press out, baby.” Kenzie did as he said, and winced a little again, but only a little--the oil had soothed the sting of the chafing there, and the plug popped out of her a moment later. Duncan brought it over the sink and turned the hot water on over it again--Kenzie watched him rinse it with soapy, gentle hands as she pulled the pack of wet wipes from one of the drawers under the sink, easing one of them along the dip between her ass. It came away with a little blood again, but just a little--it’s worth it, honestly, because fuck, you fucked me so fucking good, baby, fucked me hard and ate me out so fucking good, fuck. He glanced over at her as he turned the faucet off, having finished washing her plug--she saw the glint in his eyes, the indication that he’d heard her thoughts, the knowledge of her lust. Duncan set the plug on the counter, and then he pulled her achingly against him, pressing his nakedness into her, lifting her up into an open-mouthed kiss. The roses were still falling from her hair around their feet--Duncan set her back down to earth and turned her gently, and then his beautiful fingers began to work the roses out of her hair, setting them gently one by one on the bathroom counter. Kenzie glanced over to the mirror to watch him as she reached for her toothbrush; my Prince, your gentleness amazes me still. She knew she would remember this moment, crystallized, in the future. Your hands in my hair, the roses falling through your fingers, the blue of your eyes, the drift of your thoughts to me, so soft, so devoted.

Kenzie, he was thinking, I’ll put flowers in your hair in the forest, scatter flowers on our bed, flowers in your arms, we’ll lay in them and forget the world, they’ll weave flowers in your hair on our wedding day, I know it already as if I can see through a window, I can see the halo of your head and a crown of dark roses there, my Persephone, a dream of the future yet I know it’s real, how I long to ask you, to speak it into existence…

Duncan untwined the last of the rosebuds and Kenzie turned to him, lifting her chin to his face, but not kissing him, not quite--she hovered her lips achingly near to his, and heard the quiet, longing sound that drifted out of him against her, his face now free of the dark makeup he’d worn all night, and still so stunningly, completely beautiful, and yet you long for me, she thought, her skin wildly sensitive under his touch, you worship me, little old Mackenzie Stone.

“You aren’t little, Kenzie. I mean...you are little. I love how little you are, I love how close I can hold you--” and here his hands drifted down to Kenzie’s ass, cupping her there, pressing her sensitive sex up into him, his mouth hovering at her chin, “but baby, you aren’t little. You’re so bright--like the sun. Your vastness...it fucking staggers me. It’s like you have a universe inside you, and it’s beautiful beyond all description.You’re so divine--so strong, so brave, so kindhearted and so bright, like golden starlight--”

“Fuck, Duncan, the way you talk to me--”

“Just my entreating prayers to a goddess,” he whispered, lips finally falling under her ear. “Just my endless hope for her blessing.”

“Come to bed with me, hold me, sleep with me, fair Oberon, and in the morning, let’s fuck off into the forest and never come back,” and Kenzie was smiling against the overwhelmingly sweet sensation of his lips, and she felt him smile too and then laugh against her, a laugh that was so desperately joyful that she felt lost inside it for a moment, as though he were Eros and the sound of his laughter was the sound of desire itself. Purest joy. My love, that I can bring you this, that you have given yourself to me this way--it moves my soul utterly, it is the highest of all things, to be loved, to love you. She laughed too, a heartfelt laugh that threatened to dissolve into tears in her throat, and Duncan was kissing her mouth with soft, sweet pecking kisses, and she knew he felt the mingling fall of her emotion, the deluge in her. His hands came around her neck, unclasping Adelaide’s golden necklace, setting it on the sink beside her roses, and Kenzie was moved by the sight, by its shivering, quiet beauty--one is the city, the other the forest, and tomorrow we’ll retreat into nature and find its secrets, she thought. She shivered, and then Duncan was pulling her to the bed, shutting the lights off as he did, easing her down against into the sheets with his (clouded sky) eyes full of tenderness, setting the bowl with the chocolate and grapes aside (later my love, all things later, now, only you, only me, only sleep and our dreams of those other places, only the moon and us) and she was gathered inside his arms, her cheek at his heart again, his sex pressed into her belly, their legs irrevocably twined.

“Kenzie,” he murmured, and she was moved to be in the sudden darkness, in the feeling of him, “Will you sing to me? I love your voice so much.  Just a little, baby, please?”

Kenzie sighed against him. “Oh, baby. Of course I will.” She heard the thought he didn’t say aloud, the shyness in it: a lullaby. My sweet Duncan. My beloved. I will soothe you as you know only I can. She was quiet for a moment, in the stillness, in the shadows, in his arms. Then she knew what she wanted to sing to him; knew it as certainly as her love for him.

“Do you always trust your first initial feeling, special knowledge...holds true…bears believing…” And Kenzie felt him bury his face against the softness of her hair, his deep sigh of contentment, his love bursting into her, “I turned around, and the water...was closing...all around, like a glove, like the love, that had finally, finally found me...and I knew...in the crystalline knowledge of you…”

And then they were dreaming, untethered from earth, together; under the face of another moon, this one much larger than the one they’d left, and lit with a glow that was utterly not of their world.

--------

The light was sweet and low as Kenzie drifted up, back to reality. It’s very early, she knew. She let her eyes linger closed for a moment, trying to recall the dream she’d surfaced from this time; it certainly wasn’t a bad dream, not like our nightmares, she knew. In this one she’d been wearing a very long black velvet gown with a very tight bodice that had exposed her throat to the dip of her breasts--it had pilled around her in huge folds, had drifted behind her as she walked--she remembered with a rush that the Mirror was in the dream, its embellished gold frame distinct, its vastness obvious. I saw myself in it, and I looked beautiful, but I looked--I looked like myself but not like myself. I wore dark jewels on my throat, and...there was this power in my eyes, I could see it reflected in the Mirror. Duncan was with me, but he was wearing something...something from another time period. He wore...breeches, I think that’s what they’re called, and long boots. His hair was longer--it fell to his shoulders in beautiful waves, but it was the same color it is now, like russet autumn leaves, not like the terrible, dark man I dreamt with his face, and not like that other Duncan, the one who had nebulas for eyes, with wings I didn’t understand the shape of. He was kissing my neck--he was wearing a flowing white shirt and he was taking it off, we were in a room with a huge four-poster bed, an opulent room, like we were in Versailles or something, the fireplace was lit and the light was low and we were full of nervous excitement, full of desire…

Here her recollection of the dream ended and she opened her eyes, sighing a little. The Mirror. The Mirror was there. Our Mirror. My Mirror...the one I know belongs to me somehow. It had something to do with that...with me knowing that. Duncan stirred a little against her--his arms had moved in sleep and one of them, she realized, was clutched at the dip of her ass--the other was against her hand between their pillows, his pinky and ring finger hooked around hers, their Cartier bracelets hovering near each other--the diamonds of Kenzie’s caught the early light, glinting into her sleep-touched eyes. Duncan’s stubbled jaw turned up in his sleep, his mouth opening a little, then closing, the small movement of his throat sending a shiver up her bare spine. My beautiful baby. His hand at her ass moved up to the small of her back--drew her in closer in his sleep, her hip bone pressing against his, his hardness (always), sending a little gasp of sensation out from her as it lifted into the space between her legs.

Kenzie hesitated for a moment, longing for his eyes to open, longing for his mouth to fall on hers, longing for the feeling of him probing into her mind--I feel lonely without him there now, I can’t help it--longing for the feeling of his beautifully thick, hard cock to be inside her, but she knew they had a long drive today--the sooner they left the penthouse and got on the road, the sooner they could be in the wonderful solitude of the woods, be at the lake. Alone together. Not like our day at the beach--which was so wonderful, but so brief--really alone together, for days, and free to explore the secrets of each other and the joy of nature. Fuck, I can’t wait.

It had been almost a year since the last time Kenzie was in the woods--she and Claire had gone with some of her old Georgetown friends to a nearby campgrounds and stayed for two nights during the muggiest stretch of August. It had been terribly hot, but the evenings had been so tranquil and lovely and the sunsets so beautiful, and she’d been so happy to be with Claire, and the memory was a good one--they’d shared a tent and eaten burnt hot dogs and canned baked beans and s’mores, got eaten alive by mosquitoes, and laughed with each other a lot, over everything, as they always did. My Clairebear. I wonder how your date with Harris went, and Kenzie smiled, thoughts drifting from Claire back to Duncan, her gaze roving over the man (almost more than a man sometimes, to me, like an angel, his soul having opened to me this way) she loved more than she ever thought possible--more than she would have thought herself, or anyone, capable of. She pushed back the feeling of tears, which always seemed to be hovering near now, and eased herself out of his embrace. Duncan stirred again, dipping his head down, his hand coming under his cheek--and he sighed in his sleep, then descended back into silent, slow breaths. Just sleep a little longer, my loveliest love, she sent out to him, her thoughts lined in gold. Sleep until your tiredness melts away--then we’ll leave.

Kenzie eased off the bed, glancing at the roses she’d tied above it, her eyes sliding to the Mirror (you were in my dream, beautiful thing--maybe our dream, if he dreamed too), examining her nakedness, moving to the bathroom. She gazed affectionately at her Golden Pothos on the back of the toilet as she sat to pee, wincing as she wiped herself--my poor asshole, she thought with an inner laugh, sorry sweetie, you’re gonna need to suck it up and get used to a big cock inside you. She snorted, giggling at her own thoughts, reaching for her hairbrush, coaxing the tangles out of her hair as she looked at the necklace and roses scattered on the sink affectionately. Kenzie set the brush down, grasping the necklace and moving to the closet, eyes watching Duncan in his quiet repose, hair tossed over his forehead; Eros sleeps. It was barely past 7, but she felt wide awake now, the stresses of the Gala--the chaotic energy of the press and photographers towards them, Marissa Montague’s tantrum, Bill Shepherd hissing into her face, his skin gray, his breath sour with sickness, the overwhelming sadness that had driven her to run blindly through a back hallway until she had reached that room that she knew had once belonged to Duncan--seeming far away already. She neatly set the necklace along the stretch of dark wood shelf where she now kept her jewelry in the huge closet--she admired it for a moment, the sheen of its gold and diamonds, fingers drifting over it, the perfect roundness of the ruby--then Kenzie reached for the Tiffany moon and clasped it around her neck. The first thing he ever brought me as a gift--like he was bringing me an offering on an altar. And my offering to him was the meal that I made for us--and he was so happy to receive it. I knew he was. I know he’s happy, truly happy, to receive whatever I give him. Because he loves me. Fuck, he truly does.

Kenzie turned, noticing Duncan had hung her golden gown from last night on a long wood hanger in the corner, so it faced the doorway. Its train drifted in a gathered pile on the floor, and Kenzie was struck by its loveliness again--a dress for a goddess. I wonder how all those pictures turned out, she wondered. I felt so lost in that happiness with him in those moments, it’s like for a little while I lost track of everything that was going on around us. But no. I’m not going to look. In fact, I’d like to not look at my phone at all while we’re away. I’ll bring it with me, but I think I’m going to just turn it off. Kenzie went out through the living room, still naked but for the moon necklace and the Cartier bracelet (which I’ll never take off, only he can take it off me) now; the penthouse was cool and she liked the chilliness on her skin, knowing it would be another hot June day. She moved to the obsidian island--it was clean of all residue of the food that had been spread there the evening before by Erik, Hannah and Georgio, the hands of the still-unseen-to-her housekeepers having whisked it away. I need to meet them and thank them for all the work they do to clean this penthouse, Kenzie thought, feeling guilty. They clean this space so beautifully. They deserve my thanks at the very least. I know Duncan is used to living this way, but I’m not--I’m used to cleaning up after myself. This world is still so strange to me.

She slid her golden clutch from last night off the island, snapping it open, glancing for a moment at her phone--a text from Mom, confirming Samuel had dropped her off safely, wishing them a wonderful time at the cabin, and an alert for an email from Candice, who’d confirmed Kenzie’s requests for PTO while they were away. Kenzie felt strange again, drifting in the knowledge that she’d never really need to worry about money again--god, since when? She wondered. She remembered living on ramen and oranges while she was at Georgetown, loathe to ask Momby for money; thought affectionately, nostalgically, of her tiny apartment, now empty of her things, empty of her life, which was here now, with Duncan. And now I’m wearing diamonds, and ordering hundreds of dollars’ worth of clothes with my boyfriend’s card like it’s nothing. She tucked her left foot behind her right heel, absently toeing a fourth position, the old habit of her ballet classes hovering in her subconscious as she wallowed in the feeling. Then, she remembered the longing look of happiness in his eyes when she had mentioned it last night--he loves to buy me things, he loves my clothes. He gave me that card because he loves to give me things. He loves me. He loves me so much. How does he love me so much. I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I’m going to just be happy--just be happy and enjoy this right now. 

Kenzie shut her phone off, then knelt down to where the boxes were piled, sifting through them until she found the ones with Free People shipping labels. Glee fell down through her as she opened them--every day since they met, the way Duncan would stare at her getting dressed sent wild, nervous, anticipatory energy through her body. She thought of him looking at her in these lovely things, these lovely pieces of clothing she’d so carefully chosen to make herself feel beautiful, to make herself feel like the best version of herself she could be, the happiest, the kindest, the most open--the self she knew she had in her, had sometimes been before she met him and was still, the self she would always be, but now even greater than before. If anything, he makes me more myself, she knew. He makes me braver, fills my heart with courage. With him I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I can be the person I’ve always known I could be, deep down. Now, I can be her, that best self, because he’s here, and I was waiting for him. I was waiting for my partner, the person I could share everything with--all of me. I was waiting for my love, for the love that would kindle my heart to the highest emotions, and bring me to life. When Duncan said he longed for me that evening in the woods when he was alone, I knew he meant it. And now I know I longed for him too--in the dark of my quiet bed alone at night, those nights after Tyler and I broke up and I was so fucking lonely sometimes I’d cry myself to sleep in the shadows, it was Duncan I ached for, and now I know that. It was him, and now I feel like sometimes I almost perceived the shape of him inside that loneliness, saw the outline of his face, his hair, his hands. Knew that he was out there somewhere, in the world, looking for me too. And I found him, oh, Goddess. I found him. Thank you, Fates. Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos. You weaved us together, tied us with a golden string that cannot be broken. You brought us together again. The wheel turned for us. I’m grateful.

Kenzie pulled a pair of classic black Vans with white laces from one of the boxes, alongside the aforementioned tiny cut off shorts and little black bikini--she also pulled out a golden-yellow lacy cropped top with long blouse sleeves and a v-neck that plunged low, a tie at the front. Kenzie gathered her outfit choices and moved to the bathroom again, slipping into the shower and turning the knob--she used a tie she’d left on the toiletry rack at some point to hold her tawny hair back, and lathered Duncan’s jasmine soap over her body, over the sensitivity between her ass cheeks, along the lips of her cunt, thinking of his mouth there. The way you eat me out, fuck, baby, it’s like--fucking nirvana. I feel your worship in every bit of my body when you do that. Then Kenzie stepped out of the shower, letting her hair fall down again, slipping into the little bikini, which hugged her small breasts flatteringly, then wrapped the gold-sunflower crop top around her body, the cut-offs over her thighs. She glanced at herself in the bathroom’s oval mirror, the wide glow of her eyes, the fall of her hair, brushed to soft waves, the moon at her neck, the incline of her thighs below the little shorts and the dip of her bare waist between--go wake your baby up with your cute ass, girl.

Kenzie went to the bed softly, smiling against her fist--Duncan hadn’t moved from the same position, his head dipping down into his hand on the pillow, his expression achingly angelic. She slid down to him, lifting her leg around him so she was straddling him across his torso, pushing him gently so he was on his back--Duncan stirred, moaning a little, reaching for her, and then his hands fell on the softness of her blouse then to the smoothness of her stomach, the dip of her ass in the little shorts, and his eyes drifted open, their depth instantly intrigued.

“Good morning, Prince Duncan,” Kenzie whispered, shaking her hair around her shoulders, fingers coming up to brush along the Tiffany moon, so he would see she was wearing it. “Are you ready to fuck off into the woods with your baby?”

“Mmmh, Kenzie, angel--” Duncan was blinking the sleep away from his eyes now, gripping her tighter, sliding himself up so he was against the headboard, pulling her against his naked lap, his hard cock coming up between them, pressing inside her spread thighs, against the crotch of the denim cut offs, his lips falling to the space beside her mouth and drifting back to her ear. Kenzie couldn’t stop the tiny moan that fell out of her at the insistence of his mouth and his arms, suddenly--god, you smell so good, baby, you smell like desire.

“Unng, you look so fucking cute,” he was murmuring against her, lifting away from his hot kisses on her skin, his (finally open, oh fuck, goddess, open and full of so much need like a blue sky over an ocean of impossible depth) eyes roving over her, the shape of her in the crop top and the tiny shorts, the moon at her throat, the fall of her hair. “You’re my Princess, Kenzie, aren’t you? Fuck, kiss me, Princess--” Kenzie grinned at him and gripped his stubbled jaw, nipping hot kisses along his bottom lip, one of his hands burying itself inside her hair at the back of her skull, holding her steady to him, the other drifting into the back of her shorts against her ass, his Cartier bracelet cool on her skin--his hands felt the smooth fabric of her bikini bottoms and he let out another low moan into her mouth.

“I’m wearing my new little black bikini under this,” Kenzie smiled into him.

“Mmh, Kenzie, fuck, baby--babylove--” Kenzie could feel the straining in his mind, drifting against her, the thought he was hesitating to speak out loud. I need your mouth on my cock, baby, my poor cock is so fucking hard for you, hard like last night, it hurts, it needs you, I fucking need you--

“You want me to suck your big cock, huh, Prince Duncan?” Kenzie moved her hips as she spoke into his mouth, lifted herself so she ground against him, the denim shifting against his length. Duncan let out a pitiful moan, his eyes wincing closed in an achingly lovely supplication to her.

“Please,” he whispered into her “Please, Princess Kenzie. I’ll do anything. I--I’ll--”

“Shhhhh, shhhh, baby,” and Kenzie brought her hand up to her mouth between them, willing spit from the back of her throat for a moment, then licking down the inside of her fingers wetly, shushing his begging, pressing her lips against the bridge of his nose, leaning away, smiling, teasing. She hesitated for a moment, her hand hovering just beside his hardness, not letting herself touch him, a line of spit falling down from her fingers onto the head of his erection, and he let out another piteous little moan, his fingers drifting at her thighs, staring into her. Then, Duncan rolled his hips into her, and his stiff, thick cock fell against her hand and she closed her fingers around it with terrible gentleness, and he was crying piteously against her, “uhh, Kenzie, Kenzie angel, fucking please--”

Kenzie gripped him tighter, eased her little fingers up to the head of his cock, her index finger drifting over the sensitive hole at the tip, and she felt the shiver fall through him, watched the ecstatic drift of his eyes. I’m never gonna get over how fucking gorgeous you are, Duncan Shepherd, and she jerked her hand along his length again, squeezing it a little at the base, palm brushing over his balls with a weighted insistence.

“This big cock belongs to me, doesn’t it, baby?” Kenzie pressed her mouth against the stubble on his jaw as she jerked harshly at his thick length, letting her whispers drift against him, letting her eyelashes flutter at his cheek, letting her hair fall against his nose where she knew it would fill his senses. The sounds he was making--keening, needy cries, sighing moans of abject craving for her--were kindling low heat in her belly, between her spread thighs, the lips of her cunt in the tiny bikini pressing harshly into the denim, rubbing into her clit, stoking her arousal. Gonna make you come, rich boy. Gonna make you come hard for me. You’re mine, aren’t you? You’re my beautiful baby, aren’t you, Dunny? Your come is for me, your beauty all for me, your moans for me, your big hard cock is for me--

“Yes, fuck, yes, fucking yes, Kenzie, I’m yours, my cock is yours, every part of me is yours, uhmm, please, fucking please, fuck--you’re so lovely, I can’t stand it, you smell so fucking lovely, uhh, unnnh--”

Kenzie spread her legs out further, easing herself backwards off Duncan’s lap as she continued to flit her hand up and down his hard cock--he let go of her reluctantly, his face raw with yearning, and she slid down onto her knees between his legs stretched out on the bed, bringing them together tightly so the denim rode up into the lips of her cunt, the pressure of the soft bikini fabric against her clit, her head dipped down in front of him. She willed more spit from the back of her throat and let it drip in a long slaver from her lips onto the head of his cock, her fingers dipping up to the head of him again to ease it insistently down. She could see his thighs shuddering, his hands reaching into her hair again, tangling there, pulling, burying themselves as if he never wanted to let go again. Then, finally, Kenzie dipped her mouth onto him, swirling her tongue around the hole at the tip of his cock, and her eyes came up to watch his head tilt back, watch his aching loveliness inside her ministrations. She dipped further down, remembering to open her throat to him, taking him entirely into her as she had when they went to the beach house--she didn’t gag this time, but her eyes immediately began to water, and she tried to breathe in but realized he blocked her airway entirely this way. Drool dripped down from her stretched lips, pooling into his balls, and Duncan’s hands were pressing her head down onto him, his cries lifting--his hips bucked so Kenzie’s lips fell to the shaft of him, and tears drifted down her cheeks. Kenzie thought of the way he’d fucked her ass last night, his thickness filling her to the point where her mind seemed to untether, and she imagined him inside her ass now, wishing he could fill both ends of her at once.

“Fuck, me too, baby, me too, fucking fuck Kenzie, baby, you feel so amazing, I love your little throat so much--” and his hand drifted down to grip her neck. “I love holding you in this spot, love choking you into white-gold thoughts--” and Kenzie knew he meant the way her mind looked to him when he pressed his fingers there, the color of her thoughts under the ecstasy of his hands. His eyes seemed to go darker as she glanced into them, and she pressed an insistent hand into his thigh, easing herself back--Duncan let go of her throat and she lifted up, gasping air through her nose as his length slid out of her throat, the head of him still resting against her tongue. She nodded into him now, sucking greedily at him, her fingers coming down to grip along the bottom of his balls. Come in my mouth, Prince. Give me your sweet come. I know how much you want me, I can feel every fiber of it. Your thick cock is mine, my little mouth is yours. Come for me, let me swallow all your desire into me.

Duncan bit down into his lip as Kenzie watched, and for a moment it seemed as though he was on the edge of tears, his face crumpling into a wince that shook her with its loveliness, and then she felt the warm thickness of his come flooding her mouth, felt the intensity of his shuddering into the cavity of her mouth, coating her tongue, splashing down her throat. It was sweet this time--fruits and chocolate, she thought. Beloved Dionysus. Dunny, baby, oh, baby. She let her mouth dip down one more time, let some of his come slide down the side of his shaft before lowering herself to suck it clean--and then Duncan was pulling her up, pulling her head away from his cock insistently, hungrily claiming her lips with his open mouth, sucking at them, tasting, nibbling at her. The sun was finally rising in earnest now--one of its beams scattered along the bed as they tasted at each other, and Kenzie’s heart was hammering rapidly, the sweet taste of his come still on her tongue, the woodsy-musk of his scent filling her head.

“Good morning, my love,” he whispered into her, and they were both smiling--smiling with earnest contentment, Kenzie sending drifts of her golden affection against him, feeling the cool blue of him swirl back into her. Her heart felt suddenly too full, the tears not yet dried on her cheeks; Duncan was kissing her again, gathering her against him in his lap again, whispering “I love you, good morning, I love you angel--” until she couldn’t help but laugh, giggling against him as his breath tickled on her neck, dipping her arms around his neck. To be with you, just to be with you, my heart’s going to just burst, I never knew anything could be so perfect, so right.

“I wanna go swim in the lake and eat blackberries in the shade, baby,” she said into his ear. “Let’s go fuck under the trees, in the flowers. I’m gonna make some coffee.” She tried to lift away from him but Duncan grasped her at the dip under her shoulder blades, mouth clashing into her, still hungry. “Dunny, I mean it, you need to get ready, you’re being fucking naughty--” “Yes, yes I am--” and he was biting along her neck, moving his hand down to press into the dip of her ass, a reminder of yesterday, and Kenzie yelped against him, struggling, jabbing her fingers into his torso and making him twist in tickling surprise as she tumbled out of his lap, laughing again.

“You did it to yourself! You tempted the tickler!” she called back as she rolled off the bed, running away from him, and Kenzie could hear his frustrated laugh as she escaped on bare feet. She went to the cupboard and brought down two of the glass mugs, starting the Keurig under one, then going to the fridge and pulling out a mango and a grapefruit, using one of Duncan’s bamboo cutting boards and kanso knives to slice them open, getting down two plates and putting half on each, getting two of Adelaide’s little silver spoons for the grapefruit, cutting the mango halves into checkered squares, discarding the hard center. Kenzie blew on the coffee, setting the other mug under the Keurig for Duncan, taking a careful sip. Perfect. Today will be perfect because I will it. I’m going to push my love out of me and let it fall over everything. I’m going to manifest my love into the world and mold my surroundings into loveliness.

She set her mug down on the island, lifting the sweetness of the mango to her lips, relishing its succulent taste--then she went to the cupboard and brought down a Waterford glass, dipping it under the faucet and pouring a splash into each of her succulents along the window, making a mental note to ask Anchaly to have the housekeepers check on them in a few days. Kenzie looked out the kitchen’s sunny, wide window to the clusters of trees and streets and the outline of the historic Colonial houses of Georgetown stretching far away and far below, sunlight spilling into the long steel sink, the sky almost impossibly blue with only the tiniest hint of cloud wisps scattered in it. I think when we come back, I’ll be different somehow. I have this feeling like--like I’ll know something important about myself that I didn’t know before.

Kenzie looked down into her hands at the mango--then she turned with a strange feeling, setting the mango down on the counter, and glanced back at the grapefruit half she’d left on her plate on the island. She hesitated, dipping a hand over the wave of her hair and tucking it behind her ear--then she sent the gold tendrils of her--of my spirit, my will, she knew--out to it. Come here. Into my hand.

Kenzie blinked, once, twice; then she felt a surge, as though she’d sent out a hook into the air, and then there was a heavy feeling, of the hook burying itself into the soft flesh of the grapefruit skin--and then she was blinking down in her hands as the dimpled weight of the fruit’s cool surface pressed there. Somehow. Impossibly. I made it move into my hand. And I KNEW I could do that. I knew that somehow. It’s impossible--but no less impossible than anything else that’s been happening to us lately. Hearing each other’s thoughts. Duncan finding me just by feeling for me. Duncan moving himself across a room with his mind. Me pressing my gold into people, healing them, pushing Marissa away with my mind. No less impossible. And yet.

Kenzie looked up from the fruit clutched in her palms--Duncan was coming into the kitchen, moving around the island to press a soft kiss against her hair, reaching for his coffee. He was wearing a slim-fit, short sleeve button-down in very dark navy, the top button undone, giving him a much more relaxed look than his usual fully-buttoned seriousness, and slim-cut, tight-fitting jersey shorts that came only to his upper thigh with a tying waist in washed, neutral black. His hair was now damp and towel-mussed from the shower, but to an unaccustomed eye (my eye is becoming accustomed, Kenzie couldn’t help but note with vague satisfaction), it seemed deliberately styled. He looks, Kenzie thought, so fucking perfect. If I didn’t love him so much, I’d be so fucking annoyed with him for looking so fucking good so early in the morning.

“Thanks, baby,” he murmured to her softly, taking a sip, then looked at her with some concern as he noticed her eyes, the dumbfounded expression on her face. “What? What is it?”

“I--Duncan. I just moved this grapefruit--” she held the half up to him, its pink interior dipping in her palm, “from the island, into my hand. From across the room.”

“Huh.” Duncan looked down at it, frowning, then moved to the island, brushing her arm a little with his fingers as he stepped away from her, the Cartier bracelet sliding down his wrist. He looked down at the plate she’d made for him, then back up at her, setting his coffee cup down.

“Try to move the other one, baby.”

Kenzie put the half of the grapefruit in her hand down on the counter beside her mango, then stared, concentrating, at the half on Duncan’s plate. Come to me. Into my hand. She dipped her palm down, fingers crooked--then sent the tendrils of gold out of her again, as she knew she could. There was a pause, then the hooking sensation again; and then Duncan was whispering “oh, fuck,” as Kenzie blinked down at her hand again in surprise. The dimpled weight of the grapefruit was now pressing there. She’d done it again.

“What the fuck,” she said, staring up at him. “How the fuck did I do that?”

“Fuck, Kenz, I don’t know, but for a second it sort of wobbled, then it zipped through the air into your hand like a shot. It was so quick. You blinked and you missed it. But it did.”

Kenzie felt dizzy for a moment, and she suddenly dropped the grapefruit half to the floor--Duncan hurried over to her, reaching out to grip her under her arms. “Kenzie, baby, are you okay? Do you feel dizzy again, like you did last night--after you sent Marissa went away?”

“A little,” she whispered, and Duncan was pressing her back against the counter, reaching behind her for a glass (this one had sunflowers on it, from the set the peony glass belonged to) and filling it from the filtered tap, holding it up to her. Kenzie clutched it with a hand she noticed was now shaking, taking a long drink as Duncan leaned down to pick up the grapefruit.

“You can do extraordinary things, Kenzie,” he murmured to her softly. His eyes were so blue--she felt dizzy again just looking up at him, dizzy with how lovely he was in the sunlight. “I have this feeling, baby. This feeling like--like when we come back--”

“Yes,” she was whispering against him, his hands coming around to her elbows, thumbs caressing the sleeves of her golden-yellow shirt. “We’ll be different. We’ll know things about each other--we’ll know.”

They both fell silent--it was all Kenzie could do to look into his face, so radiant with beauty, so full of love for her, tinged with hope and vague apprehension. The worries from the last few days were fading from his mind, she could feel it; pushed away by the more pressing knowledge that was the thing approaching them swiftly on the horizon, whatever it is. It has to do with me being able to move things. It has to do with us hearing each other’s thoughts, baby. It has to do with you finding me last night. Whatever we find out, it’s going to explain this. It’s going to show us what all of this means.

Duncan was nodding, his blue eyes burning like flame on her. “I’m not afraid, Kenzie. Not with you by my side.”

Kenzie felt her lip trembling. No, baby. I’m not afraid either. Just moved beyond words inside the vastness of everything I can feel is on its way. Thank the goddess--I have you. Inside your love, I fear nothing.

----------

An hour later, they were almost ready to leave for the cabin. Kenzie had begun to feel effervescently happy as they packed the picnic basket and two sleek white Yeti coolers with a vast array of fresh fruits (grapes, pears, honeycrisp apples, a huge pineapple, more mangos and grapefruits, little clementines, raspberries, blackberries and cherries) and vegetables (tomatoes, spring lettuce, avocados, celery sticks, mini sweet peppers, baby carrots, little cucumbers), sandwich fixings (turkey, cold chicken, tempeh, sliced swiss and provolone), a carton of organic eggs and a butcher’s wrap of turkey bacon, several hunks of artisan cheese (gouda, brie, havarti), jars of olives, tiny gherkin pickles, round rice and wheat crackers, sprouted bread, cream cheese, hummus, tortilla chips, pico de gallo, and an assortment of nuts and trail mix, granola bars, greek yogurt, almond milk, orange juice, lots of coffee k-cups and a bag of ground espresso beans; Duncan assured her there was a Keurig and an espresso machine at the cabin. Something tells me this cabin isn’t quite a cabin, Kenzie thought. The picnic basket had four bottles of red wine, the cooler had three each of rose and white, a bottle of Stoli, a bottle of bourbon, Pellegrinos, lime La Croix, organic ginger ale, and fresh limes and lemons. Duncan had also packed a half ounce of blue-strain weed and a gold-leaf weed pipe that Kenzie had demanded to admire for a moment before she’d give it back to him. Still discovering each other’s little secrets, she’d thought.

“There’s this little general store pretty close to the cabin, too, so we don’t need to pack enough for the entire time--we can go there during the day if we need anything,” he told her, setting the striped buckling blanket--the one they’d taken to the Cape Cod house--the lovely quilts, and the box that held the fireside cooking kit Kenzie had ordered beside the cooler and the picnic basket in front of the penthouse door. Kenzie had hauled her rolling red Kenneth Cole suitcase out of the side-closet in the walk-in where she’d placed it, after moving all her things to the penthouse--she’d had it since Georgetown, a gift from her Abadaba before she passed away, but it was holding up nicely. Inside it she carefully organized enough clothing for a week, almost all of it new (two cardigans: Duncan’s black Brooks Brothers’, and a new long gray one with large buttons and slits at the sides, a long button-down short-sleeved dress the color of sunflower petals, a short pink babydoll dress with long sleeves and roses prints along its hem, a tiny white cotton summer mini dress with a plunging neckline, a black flowing v-neck wrap dress with a buckle at the waist, a rust-colored, strapped mini dress with the sides cut-out, a pair of short-coveralls in light blue denim, a crop top with banded straps and white embroidery, a gray top with extra long sleeves, an ankle-length flowing linen dress with roses printed all over it), several pairs of sandals (her strappy beige, a new pair of black boot sandals) and her brown Timberland hiking boots (she’d only worn them once--on the trip with Claire last August). Kenzie tucked the velvet ribbon, her egg and plug, the rose choker, and Duncan’s cock ring into the suitcase as well, alongside both pairs of her Agent Provocateur lingerie, her little black kimono, her satin pyjamas, the oversized Led Zeppelin tee and lots of clean underwear. She only packed one bra--and I don’t plan on wearing it at all, she thought defiantly. Wild and free with my lover in the woods, and I can’t fucking wait. Fuck bras.

As she packed Duncan did the same alongside her--his suitcase was Prada (and decidedly more expensive than my banged-up one from Bed, Bath and Beyond, Kenzie thought), made of some kind of tech fabric with leather trim, and black, of course. She stole glances at him, eyes lovingly falling down his form, his eyes meeting hers every now and then when they caught each other staring--Kenzie watched the concentrated squint of his face, his hand drifting thoughtfully to his bottom lip, the fitted perfection of his clothing, the coiled strength in his arms, the fine hair on his legs to his large feet, now in black ankle socks, the soft dip of his hair on his forehead as he leaned into his drawers, pulling out several pairs of fitted and relaxed black chinos, black leather Nike hiking boots, the Armani sandals he’d worn to Yarmouth, black swim trunks, another short-sleeved button-down Oxford like the one he was wearing right now, a Nike club hoodie, another hoodie that zipped, more pairs of black jersey shorts, two jersey tee shirts--black, all black, and a single long-sleeved navy cotton flannel, along with at least ten pairs of the black briefs he always wore, and a dozen pairs of black moisture-wicking socks. He pushed through his hangers and Kenzie’s eyes fell on a black short-sleeved Oxford with earth-tone feathers printed all over it--”Bring that one, baby,” she said. “I like that one.”

He turned to her, smiling. “Whatever you want, Princess Kenzie.”

Kenzie was putting some of her jewelry (her rose quartz, the tiny rose-gold moon, her triple-moon pendant with the black obsidian) in a little travel pouch she usually used for it, and smiled with satisfaction at his answer. “Yep, that’s right.” She pulled the new black Vans onto her feet, skipping away from him to the bathroom, feeling his eyes following her all the way, the drift of his thoughts: Kenzie, my sweet Kenzie, my little shooting star, my firefly, I want to kiss your hair, your cheeks, your feet, the sweet space between your legs...she gripped toiletries in her fingers, calling out to him: “What do you need from in here, baby? I can bring it to you.” But she realized he was coming up behind her then, his long hands drifting around her under her breasts, his mouth coming to her neck.

“We need to get going, baby,” she laughed, twisting out of his arms, her toothbrush, mascara, eyeliner and tube of deodorant slipping out of her hands at his insistent touch; they scattered against the sink. She gave him a facetious look of annoyance and he grinned at her. “Later, okay? Stop being so naughty. We have a three hour drive ahead of us.”

Duncan groaned at the ceiling. “Don’t remind me, Kenz. I haven’t driven a car for that long in...probably at least two years.”

“We can take turns. I still drive Momby around in her old Jeep sometimes, so honestly I’m more used to a stickshift at this point. But I have a quick memory.”

“My little Kenzie driving a stickshift. That’s just sexy.”

Kenzie snorted. “Not if you saw it. There’s nothing sexy about that car. It’s like the old donkey of cars. That G-Class is sexy, though.” He bit his lip at that. You’re fucking sexy, baby. Nothing else is compared to you. He tried to grab her again and she skittered away, laughing nervously.

“Did Madeline get home okay last night?” Duncan was pulling several black Prada toiletry bags out of a bottom drawer under the sink, holding one open to Kenzie to put her things into--she smiled up at him and saw the melting expression in his eyes as he hovered over her. She took the bag from him and his hand immediately drifted into her hair.

“Yeah, she was fine. She told me to tell you she hopes we have a good time. I was thinking, baby--I think I’m going to turn my phone off during the trip. I’ll bring it, but I might not turn it back on until we get back. Unless there’s an emergency.”

“You know what, babe--that’s a great idea. I’m gonna do that too.” Duncan pulled his black iPhone out of his back pocket, holding down the side button, swiping the power off. He slid it back into his pocket, palm falling against her cheek.

“I can’t wait to be there alone with you. Kenzie. I can’t wait to show you everything.You’re going to love it so much.”

“I love you so much,” and she grinned up at him, hand coming against his on her face, cherishing the warmth of it. He leaned to kiss her but she slipped away, her mind humming with mischief towards him.

“No more kisses till we get to the cabin, baby. That’s the new rule.”

“Ugh, Kenzie, that’s hours from now--” and his expression was enough to drive her to the edge of immediately recanting, but Kenzie crossed her arms, turning her chin up in mock severity.

“Then you better hurry up, Mr. Shepherd.” Kenzie gave him a prim look and slipped away from him to the closet, retrieving a tote bag from her drawers--it was midnight blue and had a pattern of white celestial suns and moons, tiny stars glowing in the background. Kenzie went back to the kitchen and put the ghost story books and Duncan’s childhood mythology book in it, then she stepped into the study, moving to Duncan’s bookcases--she couldn’t resist looking back at The Youth of Bacchus for a long moment, lost in its ethereal beauty. I could kiss it, I love it so. She turned back to the bookcase, searching through his meticulously organized library--organized first by subject, then by author, alphabetically. Astronomy/astrology, she found near the top of the first shelf, and hummed with frustration--I’m too short to reach.

“Dunny! Come help me! And bring me the books on the nightstand, please?” She cupped a hand around her mouth and shouted through to the bedroom. Duncan appeared a moment later, Jane Eyre and The Golden Compass under his arm. “What’s this one about?” He asked, holding the second aloft.

“I haven’t started it yet, but I think it’s about parallel universes or something? I think that’s what the synopsis said.” He passed them to her, fingers clutching at her as she put them in the tote, trying to kiss her again. She deftly avoided him, loving the tiny frustrated sounds he made, the pained longing in his sky-colored eyes. “Baby, help me reach a stargazing book. That one up there, Backyard Guide to the Night Sky.” Duncan went to reach for it, then stopped, smiling at her vexingly. His hair looks so perfect. His skin is so beautiful. He is so fucking beautiful.

“Kiss me first.”

“Hey, I thought I said--”

“Please, baby. Please? Just one...little...kiss. Please, Miss Stone. I beg you.” Duncan was dipping his face (fuck he’s so beautiful, fuck, I can’t get past it, I can’t stop admiring him, he just doesn’t seem real sometimes, it’s like I made him up in my head, how can I resist him) down to her, his fingers drifting down the sides of her waist, and she tried for another long moment, tried to fight it, but then his hands were cupping along the bottom of her ass, dragging her against him, and her mouth was opening to him, and she thought fuck it, I love you so much--and his tongue was teasing into hers and she sighed and thought fuck we’re never gonna get to that cabin at this rate and he pushed her against the bookcase, fingers coming up to her hair and under her ear, pulling her insistently into him, and he tasted like the mango and bitter coffee and smelled like rain on cedar wood--

“Okay, baby--” she tried to pull away and he captured her lips again, moaning into her softly, “Dunny--you got your kiss, get that book for me--”

“I love you.”

“I know you do.”

“I love you, Kenzie.”

“I know, you dipshit, I fucking love you too.” She stuck her tongue out at him, but Duncan wasn’t deterred--he pressed his nose against hers, drifting it from side to side, then leaned back to stare at her. His eyes were like clouds reflecting a blue sea; he could see into her mind, she knew, feel the rosy adoration there for him. Just for you, Duncan Shepherd, and only for you, and you fucking know it. You know you’re the One, the only One, exalted in my eyes, beloved. He stared at her for another long moment (divine goddess, she heard, princess of heaven)--then, not without a marked disappointment, reached his long arm up to the shelf and brought the book down for her.

“It’s time to go, baby,” she whispered. “You can kiss me a million times when we get there.”

“Promise?”

“I fucking promise, Prince Duncan. In the long grass. Under the stars.”

-------

It was past 9 when they were finally on the road--Duncan wore his round Yves sunglasses, the smooth glide of the G-Class’ steering wheel drifting under his elegant hand; he was pressing one of his black Puma suede sneakers (Kenzie was amused to note it was the first time she’d ever seen him wear sneakers of any kind, but these were undoubtedly Duncan-style) on and off the gas pedal impatiently, starting and stopping in the Arlington traffic on the way to the Maryland highway.

They’d packed everything neatly in the trunk and along the backseat; Kenzie’s eyes gazed over her dark red roses affectionately, the gold vase carefully tucked into a basket that rested in the middle of the backseat, held steady between the two coolers and the picnic basket. A bellhop had appeared upstairs to help with a cart after Duncan had called downstairs on the intercom, so it hadn’t taken long. It was everything else that took awhile, Kenzie thought, thinking of Duncan’s hot, insistent kisses--she glanced over at him, saw him glancing between her and the road, looked away, smiling into her hand, her own round sunglasses shielding her eyes from him. She took another bite of a half-eaten chocolate-peanut butter Luna bar in her other hand, and flipped the Sirius XM on as Duncan merged onto I-270, heading north--Kenzie had waved as they’d driven past Madeline’s neighborhood a few minutes before, murmuring “hi Momby, bye Momby,” under her breath. Duncan had glanced at her, and she saw his endeared smile. Kenzie found the electronic station from last night, rolling the window down--the day wasn’t quite as hot as it would be later, yet, and there was a delicious summer wind. A sultry feminine voice drifted through the speakers as Duncan hit the highway, pressing his foot fully down on the gas now--Kenzie’s heart drifted up, and she sighed deeply, relief flowing through her. She reached for Duncan’s hand and he grasped her fingers, eye on the road. I can feel your heart lift too, baby. We’re escaping.

I’mma swallow all these diamonds, I’mma make you proud--you’re the greatest of all time, you’re the greatest of all time, you’re the greatest of all time, you’re the greatest...chain me up, trap me in gold, you’re my king, I gotta have you close--

God, this sounds like it’s about us, Kenzie thought shyly into him, and she could see him biting into his lip, his thumb drifting across to her knee. It does, doesn’t it. She twined her fingers into his there, loving the weight of him, the warm halo of his touch, the smooth drift of the car, the cool smell of new leather in its interior. The wind was whipping her hair against her neck, the sun hovering a quarter of the way into the sky, the temperature still in the merciful upper 70’s, and according to the GPS, traffic was minimal all the way to the lake. Kenzie laid her head back into the seat, sighing contentedly.

Pick me up and go, no I don’t wait don’t wait for no one, you gotta pick me up and go, no I don’t wait don’t wait don’t wait no, I’mma glow with or without you, two mil’ in my system I’mma swallow all these diamonds never spit ‘em out…

“I’m gonna jump head-first into the lake as soon as we get there,” Kenzie was murmuring to Duncan, her eyes drifting closed behind her sunglasses in the comfort of this moment. “Let’s go swimming, then eat lunch, then fuck all afternoon--”

“Holy fuck, Kenz--that sounds perfect. Wait till you see the water, today is exactly the kind of day I was talking about, where the sky reflects on it and everything is so clear and blue--”

“Like your eyes, baby,” Kenzie felt sleepy suddenly, sleepy with the depth of the peace she felt, the half-eaten granola bar falling down into her lap from her fingers, her other hand soothed by the slow caress of Duncan’s thumb over her skin. She heard his little scoff, but felt the glowing warmth of his affection, his quiet acknowledgement that she was right. Yeah. Yes, baby. Like my eyes when I stare at you, and you alone.

“What’s the bedroom like, baby?” She murmured to him, her eyes still closed. The wind felt so miraculously good; she smiled in the cocoon of all of it, the feeling of the sun on her cheek, the pressure of his hand, the electronic pulse of the music from the speakers, only a couple of hours and we’ll be in our own secret paradise.

“I’m assuming you mean the master bedroom, which is where we’ll be sleeping,” she heard Duncan say, his thumb still drifting against her, and Kenzie puzzled at that--what kind of cabin has a master bedroom? Her curiosity burned for a moment at Duncan’s quietness after his statement, then the soothing sensations of the drive were drifting against her again. Might as well just enjoy the ride and see it when we get there. You’re being coy on purpose, baby. Kenzie opened her eyes for a moment, glancing at him. Duncan’s face was placidly beautiful, his sharp jaw striking as he looked toward the road--a remix of Ella Fitzgerald’s Blue Skies now pumped from the speakers--blue skies smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see, nothing but blue--and Kenzie thought this is how it feels to be with you.  

Kenzie closed her eyes again, leaning her head back into the seat this time--when she opened them again, she realized she’d fallen asleep. The light had changed, was brighter and coming from directly overhead, the sun no longer streaming into the car from the side. Her neck was aching from the odd position she’d slipped into, her head crooked down onto her shoulder. Duncan looked at her sideways, grinning at her. The road was mostly deserted now but for a Prius driving a yard ahead of them and a slow-moving red Corolla that Duncan passed easily--they were surrounded by trees on either side of the asphalt, and it felt like they were climbing to a slightly higher altitude, the G-Class on the drift of an incline.

“Hi, baby. We’re about half an hour away now.”

“You’re kidding.” Kenzie lifted her arms out, stretching, the sound of her voice decidedly sleep-tinged in her ears. “I slept for two hours?” She glanced up at the dashboard; the digital clock read 11:37.

“It’s okay, baby. Yesterday was a long day--the last few days have been long. It’s all been--you know. Overwhelming. You were tired.”

“I said I was gonna help drive.”

“Kenzie, angel, it doesn’t matter. It went by so fast--it was peaceful. To watch over you. It was soothing, to have some time to think about everything. About...my mother. About Annette, I mean, but about my mother too. My real mother. Whoever she is. Wherever she is.”

“I’m sure Annette knows.” Kenzie reached for Duncan’s hand again and he drifted it out to her, grasping her. He looks so lovely in the memory of his solitude, she thought. I can see how his face must have looked at me as I slept. Oh, baby. How I love you.

“Yeah, I--I’m going to talk to her when we get back. I decided I will. There are things I know she knows that she needs to tell me. But for now I think it was enough to just contemplate it. Accept it. That there’s this whole part of me I haven’t known about until now. And it was calming to--to think about you...” Duncan’s head dipped here, his expression shy. To think about how much I love you, about how much I want to marry you, how much I want to know about the thing that’s coming, the hidden thing that’s right on the horizon, the secret thing, the thing that will tell us about each other, why it feels like we’ve always been together, always will be, about the dreams. “And the things that have been happening.”

“I wonder if there are other things we can do. You moved through a room just by thinking about it. I moved objects--I moved a person. I wonder if there are other things. We should try things, I mean--being in the woods alone is the perfect place for us to do weird shit without anyone bothering us,” and he snorted at her, laughing. Kenzie grinned at him, then she was serious again, straightening the smile. “Let’s see if we can figure it out.”

“Okay, baby. Let’s do weird shit.” Duncan was taking his sunglasses off, smiling at her with bemused mischief in his gaze--the oaks and pines gathering overhead and rising along the road were shielding them from the sunlight, and it was shady inside the car now, sunbeams dipping in and out, dancing over his cheeks. But within the playful expression in his face, the trust in his eyes shook her heart; I’d follow you anywhere, to the ends of the earth, to the edge of the universe, Mackenzie Stone. I’d follow you into the darkest abyss. Even that would be heaven, as long as you’re there. A line from Wuthering Heights, a book she’d loved fiercely since high school, drifted into her mind, clashing against his thoughts--if all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger…

“We’re getting really close now,” Duncan said, glancing away from her at the GPS. “Kenzie. I have a confession. I may have been misleading when I called it a cabin. It’s more of a--uhmm. A very large cabin.”

“Duncan.”

He bit into his lip. Turn left here, the GPS chirped, a feminine voice with a British accent. In .2 miles, turn left onto Lakeside Trail. Duncan spun the steering wheel under his long hands, and Kenzie’s eyes drifted to the Cartier bracelet locked to his left wrist, its gold flashing.  It’s me. That bracelet is me, my gold, the chain of us together, the golden thread of us.

“You’ll see. I think it’s..probably...bigger than you might be expecting.”

“Fuck. I forgot. You’re Duncan Shepherd. Playboy billionaire, soon to be CEO and majority shareholder of Shepherd Unlimited. Hot shit.”

“If I’m a playboy, you’re a playgirl. My little playgirl bunny. God, now I’m imagining your centerfold, fuuuuck--”

“Ugh, shut up, god, you’re being naughty today.” Kenzie reached out and pinched his side, hard, and he laughed in surprised pain, shying away from her. “Oww, baby, that fucking hurt.”

“Keep it up and I’m going to fucking spank you next,” Kenzie threatened.

“What if I like it?” He laughed as she jabbed her fingers out again, dancing them along his torso.

“We might just need to test that theory, then, huh baby?”

Duncan didn’t say anything, just continued to smile at her, amused and shy. He turned the SUV down a very long gravel path now, up to a long steel-bar gate with round golden lamps on either side of its entrance. Duncan pulled the car up to a keypad that dipped from an awning at the side, punching a code into it: 070688. His birthday, she thought. His mother’s doing, no doubt. Kenzie continued to drift inside his thoughts--the gates floated open and Duncan reached for her hand again as he put his foot on the gas. I was so used to being dominant with partners before you, baby, she heard him thinking. But I love it when you tell me what to do, and I love to tie you up and worship you, how you let me lead when my desire to is strong, and I loved it when you tied me up too, when you tell me I can’t touch my cock until you say I can, when you told me I couldn’t take my cock ring off, that only you could do it--with us, both are right, both feel right. Giving to you, taking from you, and around and around, like some holy circle we make together. I love it so much. I’d try anything with you. It’s always safe in the drift of your love. I love the way we give to each other endlessly. Nothing in the world could possibly feel more right to me.

Yes, baby, yes, Duncan. Then Kenzie lifted her eyes past the two rows of trimmed crabapple trees that lined the gravel drive--they were covered in red clusters, their very young fruit visible in the dappled sunlight of the late morning. She stifled the gasp that wanted to escape immediately; Duncan clearly heard her sharp intake, however, and glanced at her, his blue gaze hovering between apprehension at any hint of discontent, and an obvious hope for her approval.

This is not a fucking cabin, Duncan Shepherd. This is a fucking lakeside mansion. Kenzie pulled her sunglasses off, squinting at the huge structure that rose before them through the window of the SUV, aware her mouth was hanging open.

“Holy fuck, Duncan,” she whispered.

The cabin, as Duncan had called it, was a two-story sprawling structure, easily beyond 5,000 square feet, made of elegant stacked stone and dark walnut wood, with long, latticed dusky-red windows stretching along every wall of the lower level, giving it a regal romanticism that Kenzie immediately loved. The edges of the roof were slanted, made in dark black oak slatting. There were round string lights hung over every awning, but they were unlit at this hour of the day; Kenzie could only imagine how beautiful they looked at night. The structure’s lower level clearly encompassed more than half a dozen rooms, judging from its length--and a glass-enclosed structure with long wood tables, clearly for group events, was built off the side to Kenzie’s right, a spacious garage next to that. The entirety of the cabin-mansion’s length was enclosed by smooth, decorative white stones, and flowers were planted along the bottom of every window--Kenzie could make out geraniums, marigold, peonies and gardenia. There was a path to the left, surrounded by pines, and down it Kenzie could see a triangular-shaped, elegant white-wood gazebo built in the center of blooming hydrangeas. Inside the gazebo was a long wicker outdoor couch surrounded by flower pots with dozens of pillows, more of the round string lights hung about the eaves, and a long, low drink table with a decorative lantern. A long wooden swing hung nearby from a huge, sturdy oak that looked like it was at least a hundred years old. Beyond that, Kenzie could make out the long stretch of luscious water, indeed reflecting the blue of the summer sky with striking clarity--just as Duncan had promised. The lake. There was a long deck that extended from the shore, and a canoe tied to it with a length of rope, bobbing in the small tide. And I haven’t even seen the backyard yet.

Duncan had brought the SUV to a stop, pressing the smart key; the engine faded into silence. He reached a hand out to her, and she looked at him; is it okay, baby? His eyes searched her face, his mouth opening slightly towards her.

“Okay? Baby. This is like...oh my god. This is fucking paradise.” Kenzie felt tears begin to prick at her eyelids--she fought to keep them back, but it was all so wonderful, so much bigger than her, the vastness of the loveliness of him, of this, washing over her in a suffocating crash. Could this all be a dream, she thought once more. All of it, the last few weeks, my life utterly changed by you forever, my love, the magick inside us now, the magick that kisses every corner of my mind, every corner of our lives, tied together now, the beauty of everything, and you--you, so wildly beautiful, so tender to me in every instance, you, impossibly wonderful, impossibly perfect for me, and yet somewhere defiantly possible--please tell me, if it is a dream, that I’ll never wake up, that I’ll sleep for all of time inside this extraordinary, resplendent dream of you, my dearest love, Duncan--

“Kenzie. Angel. Don’t cry. You’re gonna make me--cry--” Duncan’s voice broke, and she saw the tiniest tremble in his lips, watched the clouded sky of his eyes flicker, resonate with the emotion she could feel from him like a swirling gust of wind; Kenzie, in an instant, threw her arms around him over the middle of the car seats, burying her face in his neck, the tears coming now, no way she could stop them, a little shuddering sob escaping from her. Duncan was pulling her easily into his lap, tucking her short legs over to his thighs so they fell down between the space between his bare knees, the smoothness of her skin brushing his prickly calves, her body pressing flush against his, the denim of her tiny shorts against the soft jersey of his crotch. The warmth and the scent of him--wood, jasmine--overwhelmed her more; you are no dream, my love, you never were and I know it, the time before you was a dream, the time without you when I’m away from you is a dream, and you are the only real thing in all the world. The love I feel in your arms is the only reality.

“I just--getting to be here with you, alone--fuck, baby, I’m just--”

“I know, Kenz, I know, baby. I can’t stand it either. God, I love you. I love you so much. I’m so fucking happy, Kenzie. I feel like my heart’s just going to fucking stop--”

“No fucking way. If it does, I’ll bring you back to life.” She was pulling her face away from his neck, the tears stinging her cheeks; she saw the glitter of the tears in his too before she opened her mouth against his; he cradled her low, dipping his head over her, his arm clutching at the band of her top under her breast, along the rise of her ribs, his Cartier bracelet burying into her hair, gold on tawny gold. She felt one of his tears fall down onto her cheek, sliding to pool at her throat, and Kenzie brought her fingers to his face, wiping them away as he tasted her lips with aching slowness.

Duncan, I love you. With...with every part of myself. With everything I have. He was nodding into her, his soft, entreating sounds making her feel as though she were vibrating, enveloped by him. They clutched each other for awhile; the peaceful sounds of the birds, the wind, the lake splashing far off, the rustling of the trees--that was their music. It held them, drifting into the car windows, surrounded them, made them a bed for a long moment, let them lay together inside it as they tasted each other, as their tears calmed, as Kenzie wandered away from the feeling of tears, into a heady desire for him, an abundant joy. She pulled back, her hand on his bristly jaw.

“I wanna go inside, baby. I wanna see everything and then I wanna go fucking swimming and eat lunch with you and fuck you in every fucking room and out in the grass, under the trees--”

“Kenzie, fuck, baby, we get to be here for days--fuck, I can’t believe it, I’m so fucking happy--”

Kenzie grinned and closed her eyes, pressing her forehead against his mouth--Duncan’s words bled away as he kissed her there, lips open, his thoughts rosy with her, her mind brimming over with the gold she felt for him; for the gold is my love, and it always has been. It’s me giving the best of myself to him, because I love him. I love you, Duncan. I always will. The gold is the everlasting promise of my love.

“Baby, let’s go. Show me everything.” Kenzie leaned over and pulled the handle of the driver’s side door, pushing it open with one Vans-clad foot. Duncan helped her to the ground as she slid out of his lap, his grip steady, but very tender. He slid out after her, his chest pressing into the back of her hair for a moment, his mouth kissing down on the crown of her head. Kenzie went into the backseat, grasping the golden vase that held her roses with careful fingers--this will be the first thing to go inside, the token of his love for me. Duncan grasped one of the coolers and easily hoisted it in his arms, crooking his head towards the big front double-doors made of more sturdy dark walnut. He nodded to his thigh, eyes lifting to her.

“Kenz, get the keys out of my pocket, will you?”

Kenzie gently reached into the jersey shorts, staring into his face as she did, being sure to let her fingers brush against the length of his cock as she dipped her fingers into the pocket; he shivered, biting into his lip, sending a wanton promise into her. You’re gonna get fucked, baby. I’m gonna fuck you in the wild woods under the stars, in the big fuck off bed, in the bath, fuck, everywhere. I’m gonna rip those little shorts off you and make you fucking scream as loud as you can until you lose your voice and I’m fucking deaf, angel, babylove, Princess.

Kenzie giggled nervously, her face pressing down against her roses, watching his expression morph into one of romantic longing. My queen of roses. Persephone of spring. Kenzie stepped away from him to the doorway, her Vans crunching over the gravel, and unlocked the door with a rustically-styled key--as she stepped inside she groaned, overcome with the loveliness of everything again, Duncan coming up behind her, setting the cooler just inside the door. The interior of the front room was huge, a spacious expanse she could dance across if she wanted to--there were two long couches in the center of the glossy hardwood, a huge, probably priceless dark Persian rug under them. The roof was a wildly erotic charred black--a huge pair of moose antlers were attached to one wall, the Shepherd crest on another with distinct fleur de lis. A huge, life-sized statue of Hermes in a breastplate, smiling good-naturedly, his winged feet obvious, stood in one corner; a naked Aphrodite in another, her long hair fanning out in an invisible wind behind her, her face turned up ecstatically to some unseen delight, her breasts bare. A huge stone-lined fireplace was against the center wall that adjoined with a middle hallway, an opulent black grate across it. Along the wall that faced the backyard there was a huge glass window, looking out on a long deck with a sheltered deck table and a fence, beyond it, covered in more of the round lights, with a locking gate.

“We’re turning all the fairy lights on tonight,” Kenzie said, turning to Duncan. He nodded with a smile; such a beautiful, earnest smile it was. Anything you want, Princess Kenzie. Kenzie could see the fire pit beyond the deck, its huge, coppery circular indentation distinct on an inlay of deep-set brick in the daylight, low wicker lounge chairs in tawny colors surrounding it. Beyond that was woods--dense from the look of them, though there seemed to be a marked path from what she could see from her far position, the lake stretching to the far left, blue-reflecting and wildly inviting. Plenty of time to explore, Kenzie thought. She could feel Duncan’s eyes watching her again and looked up at him, smiling. She set the roses down on a table near the entrance, bringing her hands against the fabric of his button-down, feeling his body beneath it, the coiled strength in him, the desirous tightness that was lingering there. His hands came around to the small of her back, to the bare skin there above the tiny little denim shorts she wore.

“Dunny. I love it so much.”

“Come look at the bedroom. We’ll get the other stuff in a minute.” He clutched her hand, leading her to the hall, then up a huge staircase with a black banister, a chandelier of Swarovski crystals and gold embellishments hanging at the second-floor landing. He pulled her down the wide, darkwood-paneled hall, past several empty guest rooms, one with matte black decor, one with silver, to the end, where a set of double-doors painted with gold leaf around the edges seemed to promise her something exceptional--he pushed them open and Kenzie oooohhhh’d, immediately letting go of him to run to the bed and throw herself onto it--it was so wide she felt immediately lost in the center of it, sinking down into its luxe, gold-embellished feathery spread, laughing in delight, her hair tossing into her eyes, her heart fluttering against the Tiffany moon. There was an opulent, upholstered gold panel at the head of it, and what seemed like a dozen duck feather pillows piled high against it. Silky, sheer white curtains with gold edges hung across huge bay windows along the wall--through them she could glimpse the lake, its serene surface impossibly lovely in the early afternoon streaming in. 

This room was fitted with golden decor at every turn, gold-leaf along the wide dresser and the decorative tables, each with a breathtakingly lovely decorative gold leaf laurel wreath. On one wall hung a painting in an embellished gold frame: Cupid and Psyche, Kenzie knew immediately, her breath catching. In it, Cupid pressed his lips to Psyche’s cheek, her eyes closed in ecstatic repose, his wings, here portrayed as deep purple, the color of ripe grapes, dipping around her naked form, a crown of violets in his curls, curls like Duncan’s. It was wildly lovely, and looking at it made her long for him, as though it were them painted there, not the god of passionate attachment and his lover. She glimpsed a gold-embellished bathroom through a side-door, and what looked like the side of a polished coppery-gold bathtub. She glanced up to Duncan from her prostrate position.

“This is a bed fit for a queen,” Kenzie murmured.

Fuck. I didn’t realize we’d be sleeping in a bed like this. The mere feeling of the silky spread under her bare legs was kindling desirous heat between her legs.This bed is for fucking. This bed is for getting fucked hard by your Prince’s big cock. This golden, feather-soft bed is an altar for his beautiful mouth to worship the space between your legs. This bed is for you to kneel on while you suck him dry, for you to be tied to while he works you out into wordless cries of euphoria. This bed is for you to slave over each other’s bodies, sleep until noon, and then wake up wrapped to each other’s lips, impossibly entwined, sheets tangled in intricate longings, smelling of your need for one another. Duncan was staring, listening to these thoughts from her, his gaze becoming hot and flushed, the blush of his desire spreading over his statuesque beauty.

“Good thing it finally has one in it,” he replied. Duncan had leaned on the door in his familiar tick--his eyes had darkened deeply to storms, his thoughts dipping low into heady lust, the taste of her cunt, the softness of her skin, the nectar she knew he regarded as her mouth, and Kenzie bit her lip, propping herself on her elbows. Come the fuck here and get me, then, King. Come and get your Queen.

Then Duncan was advancing on her, his arms reaching down for her with a determined look in his divinely blue eyes that made her blood freeze, and she was writhing in his strong grip, with his sudden, immediate ardency, the aching softness of the down at her back stirring warmth through her body, in dazzling streaks of sensitivity. Duncan lowered his lips to the moon at her throat, making her gasp (my moon, my moonlight, moon flower, he was thinking) and then he was drifting down to kiss between her ribs at the deep V of her wrapped, sunlight-colored top, down further to kiss her belly button, open-mouthed, his tongue licking out.

“I think,” he whispered, his large, insistent hands at the waistband of her shorts, his mouth drifting to her hipbone over the denim, “That you need to get fucked hard before we do anything else today, Princess Kenzie. I think we need to christen this bed as ours. What do you think?” His hands were pressing into her now, holding her down, drifting up to her throat, holding her against the silky, aching softness of the bed, sensing how it was stirring her, thrilling her, kindling her desire up to a high agitation.

“Uhhhuh,” Kenzie felt absolutely weak to him, lost in his adamant stare, lost in the press of the tips of his fingers, sensing that they were barely containing their powerful grip on her. The bed, the huge house, the lake, the woods--we’re finally here, she thought. And it kindles a wild lust in me, the whisper of Dionysus, urging us to abandon our senses, and fuck each other until we can’t breathe in the middle of the day on this wildly easeful bed that feels like a cloud from heaven. We don’t have anywhere to be. We don’t have to meet with anyone, we don’t have to go to work, to interviews, to see our mothers, to find bodyguards, to go to stupid Galas, to fight off paps, nothing, nowhere. Our phones are off, we’ve disappeared from the world, we’re alone, we’re together, we have days. DAYS. Holy fuck, baby. Holy fucking fuck.

“Duncan,” Kenzie whispered, and she whimpered, long and low, and his mouth was pressing, hot, aching, at her throat, and his devotion was like a knife, and she wanted it plunged deep into her body.

“Oh my fucking goddess, baby--fucking fuck me.”

[littlemisskookie]

First High school Relationship? :)

Sometimes I don’t think I’m very attractive, but then I think back to this, and I think “well I certainly look better now than I did as a Freshman, so that’s gotta mean something”.

Let me make this clear. I didn’t really go into long term relationships back then because if I did, I’d have to actually like the person. And to be frank, I didn’t really like any of the people I dated that year.

Let me explain, and let me say that before you comment about what a shitty person I am, you’re absolutely right.

This has to do with Carol from Vaping Adventures and even the boy briefly mentioned in The Seniors. And a few other stories.

It began a bit after I became friends with Carol. During that party, we spent the night in our underwear and in each other’s arms, where she’d do my makeup and talk shit about the other girls and such, and bonded closely to me. Now we were having lunch together and walking through the halls. One particular day, a Sophmore from my Intro to Theater class walked past, and Carol asked me who he was. I responded that he was…  Diego.

Diego was rather hated in my class, the only other Sophmore boy other than the one who also worked in the Tech Booth (a friend of my crush’s and Bryan’s, and he’s pretty wild, more on him in The Tech Booth). Diego voiced his unruly opinions that hurt our rather bratty and sensitive freshmen girls, though I was pretty chill with him. I never spoke to him before, but I didn’t really have an opinion on him.

Carol asked me to ask him to walk with us, and though he was this buff Hispanic guy who I didn’t think would be her type (her on and off boyfriend was a sleaze under 5 foot, the typical emo white guy), I obliged.

I asked him in class as we were putting our things away if he would walk with us, and though he was rather confused, he agreed. He and Carol hit it off, talking on and on about how they lost their virginities and how they were interested in each other, where his arm would be around her shoulders when she wasn’t holding hands with me (in a friendly way, at the moment). But the thing was, she had a boyfriend. I talked with her endlessly on the phone to break-up with the boyfriend who was cheating on her as well, to start going out with Diego, but she stalled until she did it after about a week.

Now, she started going out with Diego, who was smitten already… until two days later, when they broke up. I was walking with her through the halls, asking what happened, and he said he didn’t like her hanging out with so many guys, so she dumped him.

I suppose Carol had a thing where she couldn’t stand being single because right there in that hallway she asked me to be her girlfriend. I hadn’t been in a relationship in high school at the moment, so I shrugged and said OK, why not?

She’d have her arm around me as we walked through the halls, and we still ate, but everything was the same as before. It wasn’t anything new, really, and I didn’t feel anything. I liked how she made me feel that night like I was interesting, and she was interesting, but it faded when I felt as though I ran out of things to talk about. It was boring.

I mentioned that on her Insta profile she still had her on and off boyfriend on her bio, which she changed to my name. Not even a week after we started dating I noticed she changed it back to her on and off boyfriend, which I was honestly fine with. You’d think I was heartbroken or hurt or betrayed- but I saw it coming and didn’t care. I didn’t experience heartbreak freshman year.

But not even a day later it was Hero vs. Villan day, where during Spirit week everyone dressed as something different each day. Diego and I still spoke to each other, and though lately, he was more chatty than usual with me, I didn’t mind. One day, when he was dressed as Heath Ledger’s version of the Joker, he asked me for my Snapchat. 

I was like sure, and let him write down my username. That night, he texted me saying how ‘my smile lit up the room’ and how my ‘eyes twinkled like stars’. I was a stupid 14-year-old, I thought I could K-Drama myself out of that bullshit of a guy who only knew me for two weeks, so I thought what if I got a fake boyfriend?

Yeah, I know. I’m an idiot. 

Now, before I get into the story, some background. There was a boy in my Gym class, the one me, my childhood friend, and Alex shared. I remember I asked them who they were staring at, and they said it was the hot foreign student.

Now, I’ll name him… Jose. (I’m naming all of the Hispanic ones with Hispanic names BTW). Jose was hot, sure. There was a lot of drama involving how many girls were crushing on him and such… but he wasn’t my type. While Alex and my other friend were gushing over his looks, I simply shrugged and said, “He’s OK.”

See, he was hot, undeniably for a freshman, but my type was like my crush… dorky and sweet, with a bit of a dirty side. Interesting to the point where I wouldn’t get bored being in their presence. Those were the ones I liked, the nerds. Sue me, nerds have bigger dicks than you’d think.

Anyways.

So he was a student who came here from Venezuela (pray for Venezuela right now you guys), and he had a thick accent I couldn’t really make out at first, but like my two Hispanic friends, Alex, and the other girl, he was fluent in Spanish. That’s a key point for later.

So one day they were trying to take sneaky pictures (as girls do) and I shook my head, because “pfff amateurs!” and taught them how to take the ‘pretend selfie’. Basically, you simply pretend you’re taking a selfie, but point and flip around the camera where it’s taking pictures of someone else.

It’s really stupid, and obvious, and I’m sure he caught on. But there was some point where he had his arm crossed over his leg, phone in hand, and a picture of my friend on his screen. We freaked out, and I approached him, laughing as I made him add us on Snapchat. He was embarrassed, but already I was enjoying his presence. That night he posted some really depressing things on his story, and I told him he could come to me for anything. Now, he told us later he had a crush on a Sophmore girl I’d get in a feud with later that semester, but soon enough he and I became best friends, and I was the closest to him even out of my other two friends, who were both fluent in Spanish, though I didn’t speak much. Sure, a language barrier, and I speak fast and he speaks with an accent, but it worked out.

Now that I’ve got you caught up, back to the story.

Now, because Jose was my best guy friend, I thought he could help me and not have feelings. I’d just make him tell this guy Diego to back off. So I text him asking for a favor. He asks what favor. I say I need him to be my boyfriend. He’s like, ‘wait, do you like me?’

At this point, I get the sense something is off.

“Wait,” I text. “Do you like ME?”

He confessed he did. Now, I was baffled. Me, of the three girls, when he supposedly had another crush (who was dating a senior at the moment) liked ME? I didn’t even speak Spanish!

Now, Jose was suicidal and depressed, and I was too afraid to turn him down, especially now that I led him on, so I said that I liked him too. But he said he’d ask me out the next day, in person, because he didn’t want to do it over text (bless his soul). So I went back to Diego and said that I was ‘talking’ with someone else.

So then, Jose and I were talking in class, where I told him about how I was re-reading Harry Potter and such, and soon in the hallway (because he was stalling) I asked if he was going to ask me out to be his girlfriend yet. He said he was scared, and I told my other two friends to walk ahead of me, and he and I hugged, blah blah, he asked me out, my two friends were spying, and then we ate lunch separately. Not event wo minutes after I sat down two girls approached me and asked if I was really dating Jose. Word spread fast about me ‘dating the hot Venezuelan guy’, and people and girls I didn’t even know were asking me if it were true.

Now, I would’ve been fine dating like this. One or two girls came to me saying how he was eating with two other girls (the Sophmore he had a crush on and a girl who had a crush on him) but I trusted him and didn’t care. Now, I would’ve been fine with this sort of thing honestly. Jose and I were still getting to know each other, but I liked speaking with him and such. There was one day where he was crying in the middle of class, but I left him alone and gave him alone time, where he later revealed he had some sort of mood disorder (he claimed bipolar, but the symptoms were very different and inaccurate, though it’s common to misplace mood disorders as bipolar disorder, believe it or not). 

Now, like I said, I could’ve dealt with the struggles of this. Except for one thing.

He started falling for me pretty hard. He’d tag me in photos about how he looked into my eyes and fell in love (seriously my eyes are dirt brown why do people seem to obsess over them) and he was constantly making these gestures and texts that made me just feel… uncomfortable. It wasn’t anything wrong with him, it was something wrong with me.

My friends admitted that if it went on any longer he’d fall in love with me, and guilt ate me up knowing he’d only get hurt worse. I broke up with him later, and he understood like the perfect gentle man he was, and after that we became best friends, where I set him up with his next girlfriend who he had only been talking to for three days.

Now look, during that year I practically held him up on strings, like a puppet. A morbid and sociopathic thing to say, but it was the truth. He’d do anything I asked and trusted my every word- I knew best is what he seemed to think. So when an old friend came to me (fuck her too) and told me she was crushing on him, I was ecstatic. Had I so much as forbid it, he would’ve cast her aside, but because of my persuasion, he entered a relationship that would last well over a year or two if I remember correctly. She shared the strings, and soon enough she had them on her own, though the relationship soon became unhealthy after she couldn’t handle his mental issues, and I had to carry him myself to support him since she wouldn’t, and she still strung him along.

She was often jealous of how close I was to him because I was his ex, but I paid no mind to it. I no longer held any strings to use him, nor did I want to, though Jose was the type to depend on someone else’s every word instead of his own. I still looked out after him though, giving him advice and such, and being the one who more often than not comforted him when his girlfriend didn’t. It wasn’t anything I could stop, of course, because he loved her, and though I was anxious and worried enough to monitor the relationship so that he wouldn’t pounce on her, I think I knew deep down this wouldn’t be good for anyone.

The last relationship I was in Freshman year was involved with a girl across the country. That’s right, online dating, where I dated a hot Sophmore who would send videos and pictures to me (not lewd) and we’d flirt for about a month in an open relationship. I wasn’t fond of the open relationship, and even the guys more or less looked down on that aspect, thinking of it as not really dating or simply friends with benefits (though they admitted she was hot and that was how I came out to them). Eventually she and I stopped speaking, though I missed ranting to her about what my shitty friends had done and she’d rant to me about her family things. 

And I didn’t love or really like a single one (OK I sorta liked the girls). But there was one who I did love, and that was the crush. But that’s a story for another time.

[tchellig]

So I was rummaging through the source code of my favorite videogame, and I found this list of constants, and honestly? They make a great wlw tag-yourself kinda deal (“tag yourself I’m GF_THUNDER”), but also maybe an ask list, where you give someone a number and they say what the corresponding item means to them (“number 20” “when you make brittle with your gf and she gets really excited when it’s time for the bit where you take a hammer and shatter the sheet”).

Or you could do your own answers to all of them like I did (did I mention there are way more under the cut? If you ask me, they just keep getting better). Basically, just have fun with them.

1 (GF_ELEC): when the feeling of being in love with your gf is downright electric

2 (GF_POIS): when your gf gets food poisoning and she’s stuck in bed during your whole vacation together, but later she mentions she really enjoyed the trip. when you ask why, she claims it was because she was with you

3 (GF_ACID): when your girlfriend keeps saying “Mina Ashido is my wife”

4 (GF_COLD): when your gf is a little mad at you and doesn’t wanna talk at the moment, and you don’t pressure her. alternately, warm her up!!

5 (GF_FIRE): when you love your gf’s taste in music

10 (GF_MISSILE): when your gf is playing a wizard and keeps casting magic missile

11 (GF_ARROW): the only Olympic event your gf watches is archery, because she used to do competitive archery in high school. what she didn’t count on is you getting really into it and getting even more excited about it than she does.

12 (GF_PLASMA): your girlfriend is a materials scientist and routinely works with plasma, but still loves your plasma globe and you love to watch her play with it

13 (GF_HOLY_ORB): Smash Bros is your gf’s religion and she keeps referring to the Smash Ball as the “holy orb.” alternately, your gf’s pretty eyes.

14 (GF_WATER): when you steal your gf’s water bottle

15 (GF_LITE): your gf really likes pastel

16 (GF_DARK): your gf likes wearing black

17 (GF_LITE_WEAK): your gf doesn’t go outside much and is always squinting outdoors

18 (GF_DARK_WEAK): your gf wants to wear dark clothes, but it’s the middle of summer

20 (GF_SHARDS): your clumsy gf broke her favorite mug D:

21 (GF_SOUND): you perk up as you hear your girlfriend pulling into the driveway

22 (GF_CONFUSION): you make a reference your girlfriend doesn’t get

23 (GF_FORCE): you make your girlfriend watch a thing with you so she can get the reference

24: when your gf doesn’t want to get off the couch

26: when your gf is pure magic to you

27: when your love for your gf is like a rock hurtling through space at over 100,000 miles an hour

28: when your gf’s feet are really cold but you warm them up on your tum anyway / when your gf’s hands are cold but you hold them anyway

30: when your gf’s life is a little bit of a mess but you’re still so proud of them

31: [redacted, nsfw]

32: when your gf finds out a piece of media she likes is too problematic to still enjoy

33: when your gf is at the center of all your thoughts

34: when you get to hang out with your lovely gf and not worry about anything else for a bit

35: when you gotta have a serious talk with your gf but it’s okay ‘cause you’re both great at carefully communicating your feelings to each other.

61: when your girlfriend is your gal-paladin

62: when your girlfriend blocks gross anons

63: when your girlfriend wants to be alone and you give her space

64: when you’re a vampire and you and your gf make the informed decision to make her one, too

65: when your gf reveals her plans for world domination and you still love and support her

66: your gf is a shapeshifter and can turn into absolutely anything

70: your gf’s a support main

71: when your gf has a surprise for you and she’s not giving you any hints

72: the very earth trembles at the radiance of your gf

73: your gf’s a Reaper main

74: your gf’s a Tracer main and loves to quote her lines at you in her best silly English accent 

75: your gf’s a Zarya main and talks about getting crushed between her thighs or getting broken in half

76: when your gf is trying to remember who she mains

77: when your gf is stunning, as always

78: when you find your gf in a crowd of people

79: when your girlfriend is psychic but she doesn’t need to read your mind to know what you’re thinking

80: when someone messes with your gf and they suffer the wrath of God

81: when someone messes with your gf and they get fucking vaporized holy shit

82: when someone messes with your gf and they suffer the wrath of Satan

83: when your gf meant to banish someone to the nether realm, but her magic wasn’t strong enough and they just got sent to the shadow planes instead

84: your gf’s car’s stereo is broken and will only play REM’s “It’s The End of The World” on repeat

85: your gf is really into Berserk. alternately, your gf is a witch but keeps screwing up her sigils

86: you go stargazing with your gf

87: when your gf wants to go see a scary movie but then it’s scarier than she thought it would be but you hold her hand and it’s okay

88: your gf is a fullmetal alchemist fan and has a poster of jean havoc. alternately, your gf is a kaiju and destroys half of tokyo but you still love and support her.

89: your love for your gf is ablaze. alternately, your gf is venting to you about how Dan Brown’s Inferno is trash and a waste of her time

90: your gf takes you to see fireworks

91: your gf’s shipment of pokemon merch came in and she’s been wearing that Team Rocket hat for weeks and holy shit it’s still really cute on her

104: your gf has cochlear implants and two robotic prosthetic limbs and you’re really proud of her for adapting to using them and you love her so much

105: your gf had a terrible day D: but you’re trying to make it a little better in whatever ways she’s up for and comfortable with, and it’s helping a bit. alternately, your gf sent some asshole’s racist tweets to their employer.

106: you’re enjoying The Girlfriend Experience™

110: your gf had to enter the launch codes today, ushering in total thermonuclear annihilation. alternately: your gf is playing as Gandhi in Civ, or is a big Duke Nukem fan.

111: your gf is vision-impaired, and also you love them a lot! alternately, your gf is so radiant it could blind someone.

112: you get to hold your gf!!

113: oh my

134: your gf takes your breath away

135: you see your gf somewhere and you wave to her -- and she waves back

136: your gf’s a Symmetra main

137: your gf restores antique player pianos, either professionally or as a hobby

138: your gf doesn’t vape, but she loves memes about vaping

139: whenever you hand your gf the aux cord, she plays The Cure

140: your gf’s a Mercy main

149: you see your gf and you feel you are cured of all ails.

150: when you rush to your gf’s arms so fast you basically teleport to her

151: when you acknowledge that your gf had a hand in the doom that befell your house, but you still love and support her

152: when you’re watching a movie with your gf and you need to go get more snacks and she keeps the movie paused while you’re gone and waits until you’re fully settled back on the couch before unpausing it. alternately, when you and your gf go into cryogenic stasis together because you wanna see the future, and the technicians at the facility revive you first, then your girlfriend, so the first words you say to her when she wakes up are “just crackin’ open a cold one with the boys” (even though most of the technicians are women too)

153: your gf swears a lot

154: your gf’s presence is like a healing cloud

155: your gf supports the people of Flint, MI

156: your gf reads lots of murder mysteries and knows how to kill someone via poisoned ice cubes

159: your gf needs a bit of motivation, and you give it to her

160: your gf is a lil quiet but you know that just means she’s processing stuff and not that she’s ignoring you or mad at you. alternately, your gf finds it really hard to concentrate when there’s any sort of noise, and she needs to study, so you’re completely silent for a couple of hours ‘cause you want her to succeed

161: your gf is flirting with you but you refuse to be flustered!

162: you ask your gf to stop doing something and she does right away.

163: she asks why that particular thing was an issue, so she can know what kinds of behaviors to avoid in the future, but you find it difficult to articulate

189: “I love my girlfriend!” your partner thunders

192: when your gf wins an argument online

200: your gf loves looking closely at the snowflakes that stick to the window, and gets a little sad when they melt. alternately, your gf is a powerful winter goddess and you love to imagine her with a snowflake halo.

208: your gf always opens all the windows when it rains so she can listen to it “at full volume”

209: your gf gets really excited in the fall when the leaves start dropping and tries to catch them. when she does, she always gives them to you

210: you love it when your gf texts you to give you little updates on how her day is going

211: your gf is a nature photographer and loves to show you her shots of lightning

212: your gf draws thundercats fanart

250: your gf’s a Widowmaker main. alternately, you’re convinced your gf is a little magical; her hair seems to change with her mood. it’s really cute when she’s cross and you don’t know how to tell her without seeming like you might be trivializing her feelings. 

[plathway]

End of December so that means it’s BEST OF/END OF/WORST OF List time! As evidenced by the blog title I’m just going to be doing a summary (not in ranking order) of my favourite memories from 2017. I won’t even bother with a “Worst Of” because we all know about the terrible things that happened this year, things that we will still be dealing with long past 2018.

I personally am a huge fan of New Year’s Eve. Yes practically resolutions are never fulfilled and everything is extra expensive but I love the hopefulness that usually permeates around this time of year. The new year looks so shiny and new and there really is something seductive about (hopefully) becoming a new or better person. 

The last day of 2017 is a chiller. I was out taking a walk at around 4:30 and the air was so crisp and sharp but the light was so soft. It made me think about the year ahead, all shiny and new; hard and cold as yet untouched with familiar warmth. Daylight seemed to try it’s hardest to cling to the very end. The sky was all pale blues and soft rosy pinks. It made me the streetlight glow feel so golden yellow and the moon is full and such a pure perfect white, it looks like a pearl in the sky. 

I hope I become a better person than I was in 2017. I hope that I will have a lot of fun memories as I did in 2017. And now, in no particular order, my favourite 2017 memories. 

Art Shows: Mystical Landscapes, Blue Whale @ ROM and Georgia O’Keeffe @ AGO

I got to see some really cool gallery exhibits this year thanks to Helen. Mystical Landscapes was nice, got to see some of the classic Monet’s and Van Gogh’s. My favourite ones that I saw was the Blue Whale during one of the ROM’s Friday Night Lives and and the Georgia O’Keeffe at AGO’s First Thursdays.

The Blue Whale was really cool; whales are gigantic and everyone knows that but seeing it was really awe inspiring. I think it’s heart is like the size of a Fiat lol. I really really loved the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit. It was quite big and some of my favourite pieces were: – Lake George Reflection – Flower Abstraction 1924 – Abstraction White Rose – Horse’s Skull with Pink Rose – Farmhouse Window and Door (this one is really cool to see in person because it looks 3D or layered paper but it’s just paint.) – Mule’s Skull with Pink Poinsettias – From the Faraway, Nearby – Rust Red Hills – Red Hills and Bones – Red and Yellow Cliffs – Wall with Green Door 1953 – My Front Yard, Summer

I wish that you could see what I see out the windows – the earth pink and yellow cliffs to the north – the full pale moon about to go down in an early evening lavender sky behind a very long beautiful tree-covered mesa to the west- pink and purple hills in front an the scrubby fine dull of cedars- and a feeling of much space- it is a very beautiful world. Georgia O’Keeffe

Lol my celebrity encounter of the year happened when I was at the O’Keeffe show, I saw Camila Mendes from Riverdale walk by. I was honestly star struck. She walked by and I literally stood there gaping and then had a moment of panic because I wanted to chase after her but I also had to find Helen who had gone up ahead. I finally found her and then we spent the rest of the night running around the AGO looking for her but she had went back to her hotel to live tweet Riverdale lol. 

Women’s March

The Women’s March was the first protest that I’ve ever been to. My mom thought it was dumb of me for going because, “what is it really going to do?” which is a sentiment held by a lot of people. 

I went with Rebekah and it was a really fun experience. The turn out was much greater than I expected, not just in Toronto but all around the world. It felt nice being part of that crowd all with a similar goal. 

Brunch Club 

Brunch times with my Y&E girls and seeing baby Celeste! Lol it’s nice seeing Mei’s 1st OG team and Celeste who is the cutest baby in the entire world. 

Dangerous Dan’s

All the times Rebekah, Precillia and I would go to Dangerous Dan’s. We’d always get the same thing, a coffee shake for me and an uber Amy grilled cheese, with fries or onion rings on the side. Precillia would always get the gyros with a side of pierogies and Rebekah would get a grilled cheese and the owner would always tease her for being a vegetarian. And the very best, we’d get a cookie cow pie to share.

Unfortunately it closed due to the increasing gentrification, but the memories of going there starving with Precillia and Rebekah, hearing the rest of the staff yell at Heather (or Helen? I don’t remember) just laughing and eating the most delicious food was truly some of the best times. 

My first time at a vape lounge

The day of the TRL sale, (Rebekah and I made out like a bandit, the books were like FIFTY CENTS!!!!) Rebekah took Precillia and I to a vape lounge for the first time. I don’t know if it was what she rolled or if it’s because other people were smoking but I have never gotten that high in my life. 

We were discussing middle school crushes and it was my turn, I stopped right in the middle of my story and I felt like it was so hard for me to speak and I could not stop laughing, my voice got so high it was practically a squeak. 

Birthday Party @ BATL

This year for my birthday we went axe throwing and also shot bows and arrows. I don’t know what was my favourite part… seeing old friends and catching up, when they gave us photos of Trump to put in the bullseye… 

Actually, the highlight was when we played the most intense game of gigantic Jenga of my life. 

Escape Rooms

This year we really got into escape rooms. Two of the ones we did were super scary and one of them we beat! The first one we did we were all locked in individual stalls and had to work our way out of them, the second one was a diamond heist so I got to live out my dream of being an actual cat burglar. 

By far the scariest one we did was for Precillia’s birthday. The theme of the house is that we broke into a haunted house but it really turned out to be a murder house. And we had to break through a series of clues to try to escape. I am a big fucking baby so I was useless and spent the whole time screaming. As far as escape rooms went it was really atmospheric. It gave us a lot of fun puzzles to solve that were really hard. And we got to move around the small room by climbing through a hidden cabinet, running up and down the stairs, pulling things out of grates etc.  The hardest part was the actual physical component. We had to make it across this set of monkey bars, I went first and fell into the foam–Rebekah was the only one to make it across. Unfortunately we ran out of time but we made it nearly to the end. Rebekah was the Judas and would have sacrificed us all if we had the time. 

All the visits to Doc

Whether I was freezing in the winter, or getting a sun burn during the summer or any of the visits by myself… hanging out at Doc was always a fun time. Riverdale park is gorgeous. My favourite thing is to go there listening to opera and reading. 

Summer in Port Dover

This summer Precillia told us about Port Dover which is one of the few beaches in Ontario that has palm trees. There are only three of them but a guy wanted them here so badly he planted them and they stand there lol. Port Dover is truly one of the best beaches I’ve been to in Ontario. I wish we were near ocean water but the water in Port Dover is pretty nice for lake water.  We’ve only been three times but each time was amazing. I think my favourite was the second time when Precillia, Rebekah and Ayan went. I think it was after a storm or a storm was coming but we stayed out in the water as the sky turned clear to grey to all these different shades of blue. We saw a rainbow and that day Rebekah and Precillia found twenty dollars in the water and we also got a football from these guys that were chilling near us.  Sitting in Precillia’s car, loose limbed and sun kissed eating salty messy Subway sandwiches before Precillia sped us off into the night that was so blue it felt like we were being wrapped up in it, it was so thick. Every time I hear “Sex on Fire” I can feel Precillia’s car flying down the road and the blue of the night blocking out the sound of the world as that “YeahhhHhHhHhHhHHHHhhh” fills my ears. 

Bruce Peninsula

So, we did everything right starting off the trip lol. We set out really early, got all of our snacks and drove all the way up there… only to stand in the woods for a bit. The Bruce Peninsula has grown so much in popularity, especially because of the Canada Park’s Pass that there were only a few slots during the day that we could go and all of those were filled up. In the end we ended up going to Port Dover. 

Kudos to Precillia for the drive because it was long AF. We eventually got so hungry we were looking for the nearest place to eat and I think we drove to an A&W in some small town. It was full of old white people but it was easily the cleanest and nicest looking A&W we’d ever been in lol. 

Rebekah had an edible that she split with me and it really gave me a new appreciation for Ontario. I truly live in a beautiful province, there were so many gorgeous fields and fields of flowers and farm stands and we saw Mennonites just trundling along beside us in their horse and buggy.

Carly Rae Jepsen @ TSO

For Canada’s 150th birthday, actual Canadian treasure Carly Rae Jepsen played her greatest hits accompanied by the Toronto Symphony Orchestra. I went with Precillia and it was truly a magical night. Everyone was dancing and singing along, it was just a fun night with great pop music full of love. 

Janet and Petr visiting

Janet is officially back in Canada with her husband Petr!!!! They came up to visit me for a week and I was ecstatic because I had my foodie buddy back. We ate at some of my favourite restaurants in Toronto such as Descendant for Detroit style pizza, Maha’s for Egyptian food, Hot Star fried chicken, Patois, FuZen, Tsujiri and some of my Kensington Market favourites as well.

Friendsgiving2k17

The second annual Friendsgiving was even more lit than the first if you can believe it! We got a beautiful house with a sauna and stuff this time because I got a credit from AirBnB because they cancelled my original reservation. I have like 5 memories from that night because I decided to compete with Tsering but I cherish all 5 of them. I know we did White Elephant, we had a lovely family dinner, I think Beer Pong was played and we played Monopoly for a few rounds and then Precillia and I murdered a unicorn cake. 

Expectations are HIGH for #Friendsgiving2k18 but know that Precillia, Rebekah, Ayan and I are going to pull it off. 

Anyways, those are some of my favourite memories of 2017! I know I had many more and I’m excited for what 2018 has to offer. I hope it’s nothing but good things for all of us.

Happy New Year’s Eve!

xoxo Cat

Today's featured image is by Pedro Miranda Filho

lmaoooo down to the wire here is my last 2017 post!!! End of December so that means it's BEST OF/END OF/WORST OF List time! As evidenced by the blog title I'm just going to be doing a summary (not in ranking order) of my favourite memories from 2017.

[biofunmy]

A Stanford Professor Says Juul Stole Her Anti-Vaping PowerPoint Slides

SAN FRANCISCO — When vape pens began flooding classrooms, bewildered teachers didn’t know what to do about it. Bonnie Halpern-Felsher, a Stanford University pediatrics professor who had spent years researching how to get kids to stop smoking, did what came instinctively to her: She educated them.

By 2018, she’d created a free online class for middle and high schoolers about the dangers of e-cigarettes. That year, she updated her course to explicitly call out one up-and-coming brand in particular: Juul. The biggest e-cigarette manufacturer in the country, Juul has been accused by public health advocates and regulators of creating a new generation addicted to nicotine at a time when youth smoking rates have been dropping to historic lows.

So she was surprised to learn around that time that Juul, too, had an anti-vaping curriculum — and was offering thousands of dollars to schools to implement it. When she got ahold of what Juul wanted to teach, she was even more surprised: Many of its slides were copies of hers, down to the exact words and cartoon images of the brain.

But Juul hadn’t asked to use them. And the rest of its slides, in her view, dangerously downplayed the addictive aspects of Juuling. The company’s presentation didn’t discuss how flavors attract children, for instance, or how the chemicals in flavors can be harmful, or that a Juul pod contains as much nicotine as a pack of cigarettes. Her slides without this context presented what the Stanford professor felt was a deliberately rosy picture of Juul’s health effects.

Do you work, or have you worked, at Juul? Contact this reporter at stephanie.lee@buzzfeed.com or stephaniemlee@protonmail.com. Visit tips.buzzfeed.com for other secure ways to get in touch.

In another misleading move, the materials Juul circulated said that the class was based on Stanford’s, giving some educators the false impression that the professor worked alongside the company to develop its anti-vaping curriculum. “That’s when I said, ‘This is not OK,’” Halpern-Felsher recalled.

Juul, whose stated mission is to help adult smokers quit, has denied that it ever marketed to teens. But studies have reached the opposite conclusion, finding that, particularly in the company’s early days in 2015 and 2016, it hired influencers to make #juul go viral, handed out free devices at concerts and movies, and ran colorful “Vaporized” ads that featured twentysomethings and mimicked cigarette ads.

Today, 28% of high school students use e-cigarettes, and more schools by the day are suing Juul on the basis that their students’ habits are a financial burden. Parents are suing, too, saying that their kids are addicted to Juuling. Lawmakers, struggling to find a policy approach that would actually work, just succeeded in changing the federal age for smoking and vaping from 18 to 21.

And Juul is responding to the scrutiny, too. This fall, the company suspended all its advertising in the US and stopped US sales of all its flavors, long a big draw for young users, except for tobacco and menthol. Although the $24 billion San Francisco startup laid off some 600 employees last month, it is still staffing up its youth-prevention team and hired a prominent teen nicotine addiction researcher to help lead those efforts.

But Halpern-Felsher is unconvinced that Juul — which is partially owned by tobacco giant Altria and run by a former Altria executive — has proven it can be trusted to police itself.

“How do we know they’re not going to repeat what they’ve already been doing, when they clearly have a history over the last three years of attracting youth?” she told BuzzFeed News.

Courtesy / Bonnie Halpern-Felsher

Stanford’s Tobacco Prevention Toolkit, Juul’s curriculum obtained in May 2018, and Juul’s curriculum obtained in June 2018.

Even after receiving a cease-and-desist letter from Stanford’s lawyers in April 2018, Juul kept circulating versions of Halpern-Felsher’s materials with tweaks, according to PowerPoint slides seen by BuzzFeed News. And although Juul publicly said it abandoned the curriculum a month later, shortly after introducing it, the startup’s employees continued to pitch educators on using it into that summer, new emails show.

A Juul representative declined to comment on these allegations. In a statement, spokesperson Ted Kwong acknowledged that the company “discontinued the initiative in 2018 in response to feedback from those who thought our efforts to dissuade youth from using nicotine were being misunderstood.”

He added, “We fully understand the need to earn back the trust of regulators, policymakers, key stakeholders and society at large and reset our company and the vapor category.”

Halpern-Felsher, who was the first to sound the alarm about Juul’s curriculum in an October 2018 journal article, has spoken before about the unsanctioned use of her materials. Most recently, she testified during a July Congressional hearing, as reported by NBC News. Emails from Juul representatives and slide-by-slide comparisons of the courses are printed here for the first time.

In under two years, the Stanford class — which is meant to be an alternative to suspension — has become a key tool in the fight against the teen e-cigarette craze. More than 1.1 million students have sat through it and more than 2,000 teachers have been trained to teach it. And it seems to be working: In a survey of 325 students, the percentage who said they were “very unlikely” to try Juuling jumped from 74% to 89% after they took the class, according to preliminary data from Halpern-Felsher’s team. Students were also more likely to come away thinking of Juuling as “highly addictive” (38% before the class compared to nearly 50% afterward).

In contrast, there is no evidence that tobacco industry–sponsored youth-prevention programs decrease use. Instead, they are viewed by many as a more sinister form of marketing.

If Juul’s stated purpose is to help adults quit smoking, “then why are you going into schools and talking about your product, period?” Halpern-Felsher said. “We see it as a ploy, in my opinion, to be able to get into these schools to have a dialogue about their product and not be fully honest.”

The first time that California educators got wind of Juul’s curriculum was in December 2017.

A company memo, sent to the then head of California’s Department of Education a few weeks before Christmas, said that as part of a broader youth-prevention strategy, Juul was designing an educational program that would be an alternative “to traditional prevention programs and discipline.” The curriculum was “drawing on best practice resources, such as Stanford Medicine,” the memo said, as well as from a nonprofit and two public health programs.

A colleague forwarded the memo to Halpern-Felsher, who found the reference confusing but didn’t think to dive deeper. A developmental psychologist at Stanford since 2014, Halpern-Felsher studies what drives adolescents to make risky health decisions, from drinking alcohol and having sex to drunk driving and, especially recently, smoking. In the fall of 2016, she and her team created the Tobacco Prevention Toolkit, an online class that covered nicotine addiction to both cigarettes and e-cigarettes.

Not long after, she kept hearing about one particular e-cigarette brand: Juul. With their sleek, USB drive-like design, high doses of nicotine, and sweet, fruity flavors, Juuls were popping up in cafeterias and teenage bedrooms everywhere.

As the company rose to become the market leader, Halpern-Felsher heard that it was developing a youth-prevention curriculum. Urged by educators to come up with one of her own, she added a section specifically about Juul to the e-cigarette portion of her Toolkit. It went online on Feb. 1, 2018.

Five days later, in Sacramento, a Juul representative pitched the company’s class at a meeting of California’s statewide tobacco-prevention education committee. Bruce Harter, a Bay Area superintendent turned Juul consultant who’d been reaching out to school districts on the company’s behalf, insisted that Juul was “appalled and distressed” by underage use and reassured attendees that it was “interested in promoting health,” according to meeting minutes.

Halpern-Felsher wasn’t there. But she was alarmed to hear about it — and to learn that academics were getting the impression that her curriculum was affiliated with Juul’s.

Over the following weeks, Halpern-Felsher sought to get her hands on Juul’s curriculum. It wasn’t available online, so she relied on people sending her bits and pieces of it. Her fear was confirmed when she was sent the company’s syllabus: It described the science portion as “drawn largely from the work of Stanford Medicine,” and linked to Halpern-Felsher’s Tobacco Prevention Toolkit.

That spring, school districts were being offered as much as $10,000 to $20,000 to implement Juul’s curriculum. In a February email, a California state education official told schools that the curriculum was considered an attempt to “coerce” schools “to support the addiction of youth to nicotine.”

Scott Gerbert, who works in tobacco-prevention education for Alameda County schools in the Bay Area, remembers getting a call from a health educator and anti-smoking advocate he used to work with, Deborah Messina-Kleinman. She was about to accept a job at Juul, she told him, and wanted to provide his district with educational materials. Gerbert quickly hung up.

“I certainly would not invite Juul in to be a partner in education,” Gerbert said, “the same way we would not invite Anheuser-Busch in or Altria or any of the other Big Tobacco companies.” (Messina-Kleinman did not return a request for comment.)

And one day in New York, Meredith Berkman’s ninth-grade son came home to tell her that he and his classmates had just listened to a Juul representative — with no teachers present — reassure them that Juuling was “totally safe,” Berkman said. (Berkman did not know whether this was an official presentation of the Juul curriculum.) Horrified, she and two other mothers went on to found the national advocacy group Parents Against Vaping E-cigarettes, which Halpern-Felsher advises.

“You don’t typically expect companies to be trusted to educate the public about themselves.”

Not even everyone inside Juul thought the program was a smart move.

When then-CEO Kevin Burns announced the new initiative at an all-hands meeting in the early spring of 2018, no one openly questioned him, according to a Juul employee present for the meeting who spoke to BuzzFeed News on the condition of anonymity. But in private discussions afterward, several employees agreed that the move was “misguided.”

“You don’t typically expect companies to be trusted to educate the public about themselves,” the individual said. “Juul is obviously not an impartial purveyor of information.”

And in internal emails unearthed by a congressional investigation, Juul employees spearheading the effort acknowledged the youth-prevention programs were “eerily similar” to those used by Big Tobacco.

In early April 2018, based on what Halpern-Felsher had heard about and seen so far of the Juul curriculum, Stanford lawyers sent a cease-and-desist letter to the company. In response, Juul attorneys said that the company had never linked to Stanford — despite evidence to the contrary — and wouldn’t link to any materials in the future, and claimed that it wasn’t using the Toolkit, according to Halpern-Felsher.

In May, Juul sent a letter asking her to meet; she declined. It also asked her to change what it perceived as unfounded opinions and statements about Juul in the Toolkit. Halpern-Felsher said that the curriculum wasn’t inaccurate, but she made some minor changes, including changing her course’s title from exclusively calling out Juul to “Juul and Other Pod-Based Systems.”

She also added a disclaimer stating that the Toolkit was not affiliated with any e-cigarette companies, and any implication otherwise was “simply not true.”

Courtesy / Bonnie Halpern-Felsher

Stanford’s Tobacco Prevention Toolkit, Juul’s curriculum obtained in May 2018, and Juul’s curriculum obtained in June 2018.

Around the same time, a colleague finally sent Halpern-Felsher a complete copy of Juul’s class. A lot of it looked awfully familiar.

Most of the two dozen or so slides in its “science of e-cigarettes” PowerPoint were nearly or fully identical to the nicotine-addiction slides that she’d first put up back in 2016, according to screenshots she captured. Echoing the layout, colors, language, and images, the slides showed graphics of brain synapses and discussed the “work in progress” that is the adolescent brain. Even the accompanying teacher talking points and PowerPoint comments from Halpern-Felsher’s lab members, visible only in editing mode, appeared to be copied over. “Would love for this to be animated,” a research assistant noted on one slide.

Halpern-Felsher said there’s nothing inherently wrong with teaching teens about nicotine addiction, “aside from the fact you can’t steal someone else’s curriculum and pretend it’s yours and push back when we tell you not to.”

The real problem, in her view, was this: Even though the class acknowledged that nicotine is highly addictive, it failed to connect the dots to Juuling. It didn’t mention, for instance, that a single 5% Juul pod contains as much nicotine as a pack of cigarettes — more than many other e-cigarettes on the market, and almost triple the legal maximum for pods in Europe.

“If you’re really trying to prevent people from using your product, then your curriculum would be about the harms of your product,” Halpern-Felsher said. “We know they do not make any of those connections.”

In addition, Juul’s curriculum taught mindfulness meditation practices as a technique to avoid vaping, even though there isn’t evidence that they are an effective tobacco-prevention strategy in schools.

And there was an evaluation worksheet, ostensibly to test students’ knowledge of the lesson, that asked: “What’s appealing about using e-cigarette or JUULs? Why do students use them?” To Halpern-Felsher, this question belonged in a marketing survey, not an educational program.

“If I know the kids are using it because of flavors, or it’s cool, that’s fantastic — I can use that information to turn it around and market it back to kids again,” she said.

In the end, Juul distanced itself from the curriculum. The company has said it stopped distributing its curriculum in May 2018, not long after the whole idea was hatched, after blistering criticism from anti-tobacco advocates and government regulators.

But for at least another month, Juul kept promoting the curriculum to educators, emails show.

Courtesy / Bonnie Halpern-Felsher

Stanford’s Tobacco Prevention Toolkit, Juul’s curriculum obtained in May 2018, and Juul’s curriculum obtained in June 2018.

On June 7 of that year, Julie Henderson, Juul’s director of education and youth prevention, emailed the slides to a health educator in Connecticut and offered to collaborate on outreach. “Our efforts are not limited to adolescents, but include young adults as well so we welcome the opportunity to work with colleges and universities in promoting non-nicotine use among non-smokers,” Henderson wrote.

And on June 22, Samanta Beltran, a youth prevention and communications analyst at Juul, similarly responded to an inquiring educator in Orange County, California. “If you’re interested in developing a partnership with us, whether through use of curricula or a co-convened community conversation, please let us know,” she wrote, attaching the slides.

Henderson and Beltran did not return requests for comment.

This version of the curriculum, which was sent to Halpern-Felsher, did differ from the earlier version she had seen. The white background was now blue. “The Adolescent Brain: A Work In Progress” became “Your Brain: Still Developing.” A photo of overlapping freeways, meant to illustrate the complexity of a young adult’s brain, was swapped for one of tangled wires. Some slides were condensed, others expanded. But in many cases, the teacher talking points and even editing comments remained verbatim.

Since that summer, Halpern-Felsher hasn’t heard of any more instances of Juul’s curriculum being promoted to or used by schools. But when she goes on the road to train educators on how to counter vaping, she warns them to keep a watchful eye.

“Even if Juul is trying to do good, they should not be in the business of doing their own prevention,” Halpern-Felsher said. While she can’t say, based on what she saw, that the company was actively marketing Juul in schools, she added, “what I do know is that Juul’s curriculum was not preventing Juuling.”

Sahred From Source link Science

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[weedconsortium2]

If you’ve never listened to Chris Webby’s music–you should. In a world where the hip-hop arena is dominated by trappers and mumble rappers with tattoos on their faces and little substance to their lyrics, Webby’s well-rounded bars shine like a beacon in the dark.

Webby became a viral star last year after dropping an amazing freestyle over Dr. Dre’s “What’s The Difference” during an interview with Sway Calloway on SiriusXM. He killed it, dissing “new school” MCs and slaying crooked policy-makers:

Remember the name, C-Web, I spit sickly, I got my competition breathing hard as Chris Christie.

Beyond free-styling, Webby is a great writer. A good intro to his music can be found in his “Raw Thoughts” series, a rap trilogy where he lists all the people he does not like and explains his reasons. In the first song of this trilogy, Webby puts “scummy politicians”—as he calls them—to shame.

It’s hard not to crack up over his slick burns, as he calls the former anti-weed Attorney General Jeff Sessions an “old Smurf,” promising to “light up a doobie” on his “turf.”

As one explores Webby’s music, it’s obvious this guy is all about weed. His albums Homegrown, The Checkup, and Wednesday all feature marijuana leaves on the cover art. Webby also recorded a few odes to pot, with his recent song “Sativa” featuring famous stoner B-Real of Cypress Hill:

This sh*t is sublime. Hit it and lift up your mind. The most specific of kinds, Particular strains I’m smoking during daytime Got me feeling high and energetic at the same damn time.

Feeling the urge to talk weed with this verbose, pot-loving rapper, High Times hit up Webby to meet up.

Webby’s Love of Weed

Webby says he grew up in a weed-friendly house. His dad was a musician, and his mom was a middle school teacher. They were respected members of the community and enjoyed a good ol’ joint every once in a while.

“I caught them when I was really young and, obviously, at the time they didn’t want me to smoke weed,” Webby tells High Times. “So, when they caught me in the eighth grade, they scolded me. They were right too. They explained my brain wasn’t done forming yet. Weed is for adults.”

But, as he got older, his love of pot could no longer be contained or hidden.

“Nowadays, I smoke weed with my parents,” he says. “I think that being in that sort of a household allowed me to realize marijuana isn’t a bad thing and that people like my mom, a school teacher for more than 30 years, a pillar of society, could use it and still be good, productive people.”

Over time, Webby didn’t just develop a love of weed and a passion for advocacy, he also developed a deep understanding of the strains that best work for him.

“There’s no doubt that different types of weed will put you in different types of places,” he says. “I have my bedtime weed, I have [my] when-I-want-to-write weed, I have a nice sativa for when it’s creative time, and a nice heavy indica when I’m ready to go to bed and just need something to help me get there.”

Best. Joint. Ever

Over a long conversation, Webby discussed politicians, opioids, his ADHD and use of Adderall, and many other topics. At one point, we decided to go for a classic cannabis enthusiast question: What’s the story of the best joint you’ve ever smoked?

“Well, that one’s a thinker,” he says. “Let me think for a while. In the meantime, let me tell you the story about the guy who taught me how to roll a joint. I was in high school and I went on vacation with my buddy Nick to an island called Bequia, in the Caribbean. It’s a very small island and his family knew somebody who lived there, so we went and stayed with them.”

“I remember we would walk around this island, we met everybody, and we befriended this young Rasta named Linton. I would say was probably about 25 [years-old] or so. Linton was the fucking man. He showed us around a bunch of nights and he was always rolling joints. Up to this point, I had remained pretty unsuccessful at rolling a good joint. Linton broke it down for me and he not only taught me how to roll a joint, [but] he also taught me how to roll a joint while on the move. We walked around town and he had me rolling joints until I got it right.”

“To this day, I still use Linton’s rolling technique.”

‘Yo, Hillary’

Moving away from cannabis, we returned to “Raw Thoughts” rap. In that song, Webby does not only destroys Jeff Sessions, but he also incinerates other well-known conservative politicians like Ted Cruz (whose face puts him in a “crappy mood”) and former Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt—promising to “build a pipeline through his wooden kitchen cabinets.” At one point, Webby unexpectedly recites:

But, yo, Hillary. Really? You think that I wouldn’t mention you Just ’cause I tend to be liberal with all my general views? But you’re an evil lady; [I’ll] say it ’cause I got to. I’m down to have a woman President. Just not you! You Claire Underwood-ass bitch, you wicked witch Lyin’ through your fuckin’ teeth every single chance that you get…

We asked if he was really down to have a woman president. After all, “Raw Thoughts II” is a feminist-as-hell song:

Bill O’Reilly says he’s sorry but really none of us buy it, You can’t pay me off like all of those women to keep me quiet. Who cares if he denies it, I’ll still come for him… I’ll teach that old prick to treat women with respect When I jam a pair of stainless steel scissors in his neck… Old, gross, and crusty, outdated, and rusty, Out of shape and husky. Do you know how to tell if Bill O’Reilly’s near? When you hear a woman scream: “Don’t touch me!”

“Absolutely,” he unhesitantly responded. “I think a female in the White House could be a great thing. I think that Hillary Clinton is a very poor representation of what a female in America truly is; I think she is a corrupt politician like the rest of them… And, at that point, why even put a gender on it?”

“She is the same as them,” he continues. “She is a horrible person and horrible people cannot be defined by male and female. But I think a woman in the White House could actually be a great thing. I think women think differently [and] tend to be more compassionate [and] tend to sit back and think before they act a little bit more than testosterone-driven men… There are there are differences between men and women. I’m all for equal everything, but beyond all that there is the difference between a man and a female, going back to what we are as a species, before all this society stuff came into play.”

So, what about women in cannabis? What makes the cannabis industry more receptive to women? Why are there more C-Suite female executives in cannabis than in most other industries?

“I think the marijuana industry just attracts a lot of people like us; just cooler individuals who are just with it… Of course, women can be in charge of stuff. For me, that’s a no brainer.

“I think that’s one of the coolest things about marijuana: it brings cool people together. Through my life I’ve met some of the most incredible people through just smoking a joint.”

Keep up to date with all things Webby by following him on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter.

The post Chris Webby Talks About Hillary Clinton and His Long Love Affair With Weed appeared first on High Times.

The post Chris Webby Talks About Hillary Clinton and His Long Love Affair With Weed appeared first on CBD Oil Vape Liquid Spray - Cbd Pain Relief Capsules - Weed Consortium.

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[jakehglover]

Why the New Nicotine Is Super Addictive

By Dr. Mercola

We all know people who've struggled to stop smoking. Some have opted to quit "cold turkey" or relied on patches, but when e-cigs came along — electronic nicotine delivery systems or devices that emit doses in a vapor for users to inhale without the smoke — millions lined up to give them a try. The most inviting premise was its original design to help cigarette smokers taper off and eventually quit.

Since 2004, when the Chinese introduced e-cigs, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that by 2016, 3.2 percent of U.S. adults were e-cig users. More than 2 million middle school and high school-aged students had used in the previous 30 days. "Vaping" has overshadowed tobacco use among teenagers in the U.S., escalating by 900 percent between 2011 and 2015. For people 18 to 24 years of age, 40 percent had not been smokers before using the device.1

One of the newest e-cigs, made by Juul Labs Inc., has been making a big dent in the market. According to Bloomberg, the San Francisco-based startup is poised to rank its worth at $16 billion.2 While Israel is the only country where the vape pen is currently available outside the U.S., the company has plans to change that, The Verge notes:

"Since launching in 2015, the Juul has been a runaway success. Vapers appreciate the flat rectangular product design, discreet size and powerful pre-filled nicotine pods. Sucking on a Juul creates a similar sensation to smoking a cigarette.

As of … [June 2018] Juul had captured 68 percent of the U.S. e-cigarette market, according to Nielsen data … The company's growth has made it a bright spot in an ailing industry. Since January 2017, cigarettes' share of the smoking and vaping market has fallen by almost 4 percentage points. Juul's market share has jumped by roughly 3.5 percentage points in the same period."3

Morgan Stanley analyst Pamela Kaufman told investors that "Juul's success underscores the potential for disruptive technology to undermine U.S. tobacco's reliable business algorithm."4 Rival companies Philip Morris International Inc. (in the U.S), British American Tobacco Plc and Japan Tobacco Inc. have all seen their shares slump: 23 percent, 24 percent and 15 percent, respectively, just this year.

Business Insider says the product is so popular, its use has become a verb; it's not "smoking" anymore, it's "Juuling." But here's how the company has overtaken their rivals in a very competitive market: The Juul contains somewhere around twice the concentration of nicotine as cigarettes and other vape pens, so they pack an even more powerful nicotine punch.

What Juuls Deliver — More Than Users Bargained For

Presented as the "most satisfying" and "genuine alternative to cigarettes,"5 Juuls are described as delivering "a nicotine hit that's much more like smoking a cigarette than other e-cigs."6 The company's patented JuulSalts approach to nicotine delivery is due to compounds called nicotine salts, which develop in heat-dried tobacco leaves much like most cigarettes.7 Science reporter Rachel Becker explains in The Verge:

"These nicotine salts are less harsh to inhale than the straight-up, 'freebase' nicotine used in most regular nicotine vapes — the same kind of nicotine you get from smoking the air-dried tobacco used for pipes and cigars. Freebase nicotine can be absorbed through your mouth — but it's also much less pleasant to inhale because of its 'greater physiological (throat and chest) impact and toxicity,' according to a report for the tobacco industry from the 70s."8

Vapers who've tried Juuls agree they have a much stronger nicotine "hit" than other e-cigs. One ex-smoker found that once he started on Juuls, the vaping habit became "remarkably difficult to kick." Becker writes about The Verge's video director, Christian Mazza, a 15-year smoker who gave up cigarettes, then started vaping Juuls. His first reaction wasn't necessarily positive as he compared them with the low-nicotine e-cigs he started with, but after a while, he recalls:

"It just sort of took over, and everything else just got put away in a shelf — and the Juul became the daily driver … I don't know what's going on on a molecular level, but it hits smoother and it's a lot more satisfying when you're craving that nicotine."

In fact, the reality is that you could think of regular vapes like smoking a cigar, and the Juul pretty much like smoking a cigarette. JuulSalts make the nicotine easier to access. According to the company website, freebase nicotine is mixed with benzoic acid to make the e-liquid, which has a chemical reaction to produce the nicotine salts. JuulPod e-liquid cartridges contain up to twice the amount of nicotine as a pack of cigarettes, and they're just as easy to inhale.9,10

Making use even easier, The Boston Globe11 notes the Juul's built-in battery is charged via a magnetic USB adapter, takes an hour to charge and lasts for 200 puffs, or one full day of regular use. The fruity-, tobacco-, crème brulee-, mango- and mint-flavored pods contain 50 milligrams of nicotine and emit such a mild fragrance, they've been mistaken for a light perfume.

With the Juul device, the company offers a "starter" kit online for $49.99. It comes complete with a charger, a warranty and four flavored Juul pods. On the resale market, the starter kit might run around $80.

The Good, the Bad and the Addictive

For adults who hope to get over their cigarette addiction by indulging in an occasional nicotine hit via vaping, Juul company spokesperson Victoria Davis says they were created for that purpose: They're "intended for adult smokers only who want to switch from combustible cigarettes." However, University of California San Francisco professor Gideon St. Helen told Becker that while an e-cig may have its place, "You just don't want young people using it."

Davis insists that combating underage vaping is one of the company's highest priorities. "We cannot be more emphatic on this point: No young person or non-nicotine user should ever try Juul." But unfortunately, they do. Anti-smoking advocates say the company targets teens, but The Washington Times maintains it's a moot point because Juuls already have all the necessary elements for any age: They're flavored, their batteries can be recharged on a laptop in an hour and they fulfill the "cool factor."12

One high schooler is quoted as saying that while smoking is "gross … Juuling is really what's up."13 Another student enthuses, "People Juul at parties, Juul when they're driving — it's a social thing. They're Juuling all the time."14 But according to The New Yorker, "Teens have taken a technology that was supposed to help grownups stop smoking and invented a new kind of bad habit, molded in their own image."

What's more, while school personnel across the U.S. have been used to looking for telltale whiffs of cigarette smoke and glimpses of slender white shafts, e-cigs sneaked up on them because they're so easy for users to conceal. Juuls may or may not have been specifically designed look like a USB flash drive at first glance.

Interim superintendent Howard Colter at Cape Elizabeth High School in Maine noted, "They can pin them on to their shirt collar or bra strap and lean over and take a hit every now and then, and who's to know?"15

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has noticed, and in April 2018 issued a report with FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb's comprehensive prevention plan to "stop youth use of, and access to, JUUL and other e-cigarettes." Others have similar characteristics to Juul, he notes, but more types of e-cigs are emerging into the marketplace all the time. He asserts:

"In some cases, our kids are trying these products and liking them without even knowing they contain nicotine. And that's a problem, because as we know the nicotine in these products can rewire an adolescent's brain, leading to years of addiction. For this reason, the FDA must — and will — move quickly to reverse these disturbing trends, and, in particular, address the surging youth uptake of JUUL and other products."16

So What's so Bad About Juuls?

Truth Initiative, a nonprofit youth anti-smoking organization, conducted a survey that revealed several things that should make everyone, including teens, sit up and take notice. Again, a significant number of students say they were unaware before they tried it that Juuls actually contained nicotine. One girl admitted she thought they were healthier than cigarettes and that "it won't give you as much cancer, but finding out that one pod is equivalent to one pack of cigarettes was shocking."17

The New York Times referenced another student's admission after he'd been reprimanded three times: "I can't stop."18 The device's patent includes charts showing how its nicotine salts rival a Pall Mall cigarette in the amount of nicotine absorbed into the bloodstream. That alone is troubling, but Truth Initiative's CEO, Robin Koval, lists a few facts that have been established regarding e-cigs to date:

Nicotine has effects on young people's cognitive development

If addicted to nicotine at a younger age, young people are more susceptible to other addictions later on in life

When addicted at a younger age, it's harder to quit nicotine, whether it's vaped or a smoking product

To a teenager's brain, particularly since it's not fully developed until around age 25, Business Insider notes potential vulnerability of their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in decision making, emotional control and impulse regulation. In short, nicotine, like any other drug, impacts developing brains more than those of adults.

"Brain imaging on adolescents suggest that those who begin smoking regularly at a young age have markedly reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex and perform less well on tasks related to memory and attention compared to people who don't smoke."19

Dr. Nicholas Chadi, a clinical pediatrics fellow at Boston Children's Hospital, says brain changes from nicotine include increased sensitivity to other drugs and greater impulsivity. Effects of teen vaping he's run across include intense nicotine cravings after only a few months of use and loss of hope they'll be able to quit. Further, Chadi references a Lancet study ranking nicotine as more addictive than alcohol or barbiturates.20 "Some start showing irritability or shakiness when they stop."21

While they may show less severe withdrawal symptoms compared to adults, teen symptoms may appear after only a few hundred e-cigs. One study shows that 85 percent of those who try to stop either smoking or vaping end up relapsing.22

Dr. John Ross, from Brigham and Women's Hospital and a Harvard Health Blog contributor, says long-term safety information on e-cigs doesn't yet exist, and while they're "almost certainly" less dangerous than smoking, the nicotine itself in e-cigarettes may also have negative health effects.

"Chronic nicotine exposure may lead to insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes … Inhaled nicotine increases heart rate and blood pressure. Nicotine is highly addictive in its own right, and it may lead to changes in the brain that increase the risk of addiction to other drugs, especially in young people."23

Are E-Cigs Dangerous?

It's significant that Juul's labeling includes California's Proposition 65 warning that the product contains chemicals known to cause cancer, birth defects and/or other reproductive harm, and the website reiterates that the product contains addictive nicotine.

Perhaps to counter that, company spokesperson Christine Castro says an in-house research team is looking at youth prevention to engage educators and parents, offers its curriculum to schools for free and will even help compensate for costs linked to after-school activities and addiction counselors.

However, Bonnie Halpern-Felsher, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist and pediatrics professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, is of the mind that neither tobacco nor nicotine delivery device companies should be engaged in their own prevention work.24

Research at Portland State University25 "milked" the vapes from 11 different e-cigs with a syringe pump to examine the liquids and the aerosols produced by three of them. The "fruit medley" and "creme brulee" flavors had the most nicotine, but next to the lowest nicotine freebase levels.

Only a liquid called "Placid" had lower freebase nicotine levels, and far lower nicotine overall. In essence, "Juul packs a bigger nicotine punch in a more pleasant package than the other products the team tested."26 One of the chemistry professors involved in the study called Juul use a double-edged sword:

"If you've never smoked, and you try Juul for a few days, this is a recipe for addiction. You could make someone addicted who's never been a smoker — or, for someone who is addicted to nicotine, this could be a way to get off of cigarettes."27

In addition, it's important to understand that if you smoke e-cigarettes you may be exposing yourself to dangerous chemicals and toxic heavy metals with each puff, associated with cancers, heart disease and stroke. Other toxins detected in e-cigarette vapors include diacetyl, formaldehyde, diethylene glycol, tobacco-specific nitrosamine and highly reactive free radicals.28 In traditional cigarette smoke, these highly reactive free radicals are associated with cancer, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and heart disease.

The History of Tobacco and How It Relates to E-Cigs

Tobacco smoking has been a thing for thousands of years. Native Americans grew tobacco long before Europeans showed up, and smoked pipes for religious and medical purposes as many as 2,000 years ago; the Mayans possibly engaged in it from 600 to 900 A.D., if ancient, stone-chiseled depictions of the practice mean anything.29

It was a cash crop for New World settlers in 1612, and by the 1800s, it was being chewed, smoked in a pipe and hand-rolled for easy inhalation. Cancer Council NSW (conducting and funding world class cancer research), notes:

"In 1602, an anonymous English author published an essay titled Worke of Chimney Sweepers, which stated that illnesses often seen in chimney sweepers were caused by soot, and that tobacco may have similar effects. This was one of the earliest known instances of smoking being linked to ill health."30

It took another 200 years for a German named Sammuel Thomas von Soemmerring to notice that mouth cancers were a hallmark of some pipe smokers. In 1798, an American doctor wrote about the dangers of tobacco, but it wasn't until the 1920s that actual research and medical reports cautioned the public. In the '50s and '60s it was confirmed: Ingesting tobacco can spike a range of serious diseases.

With all that in mind, the medical world has been somewhat dumbfounded by the way e-cigs have completely changed the tobacco industry, which is why the science is absent in regard to what kind of damage, if any, habitual vapers can expect in regard to their health. The Verge observes:

"Needing more independent data is a common theme: vaping is so new that there's a ton we don't know about it yet, which means that people who use these products are mostly left to figure out the risks and benefits on their own. Thanks to a massive study of studies from the National Academy of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine, we know vaping probably exposes smokers to fewer toxic chemicals than smoking does and may cut their risk for short-term health problems, too."31

Vaping Juuls: The Bottom Line

A PLOS One study suggests there's a two- to seven-times greater possibility that vaping teens will move on to the real thing.32 But while experts say vaping can be a gateway to smoking in the traditional sense, one Juul spokesperson maintains that using e-cigs hasn't been proven as "causally related to cigarette use."

Interestingly, the National Academies doesn't comment on whether vaping helps people stop smoking (and a reported 70 percent of adult smokers say they want to quit33) any better than other FDA-approved recommendations, such as using nicotine patches, gum or lozenges.34 On the other hand, the Academies recently revealed incontrovertible evidence that using e-cigs creates a dependence on them.35

Vapers say that when they started, it was supposed to be a "transitional thing," but one couple admits they're still vaping two years later, and ask, "At what point does the transition get us off of nicotine completely?" To simply start vaping less is like telling smokers to smoke less, one Juuls user grouses, because the product, he says, is essentially designed to make you want to use it more. There's talk of the company rolling out lower-dose pods, but the company declined to comment on when or how.

Meanwhile, Juuls are patent protected, and their expanding customer base is flourishing, which is going to make it hard for the powers-that-be at Juul to switch up the status quo in regard to how the product is made, because it's quite profitable. After all, Castro says, "The entire conception, premise, operations, mission of the company is to eliminate cigarettes and get adult smokers to switch to our vapor product."

One could compare it to putting a finger in a leaking dike, but before the first quarter of 2018 was out, 11 U.S. senators sent two letters to Juul Labs Inc., stating that the company's products undermine the fabric of the nation's efforts to curb tobacco use, and calling the company out for putting "an entire new generation of children at risk of nicotine addiction."36 Time will tell whether or not there's a positive response.

from HealthyLife via Jake Glover on Inoreader http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2018/07/18/juul-vaping-e-cigarette.aspx

[sherristockman]

Why the New Nicotine Is Super Addictive Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola We all know people who've struggled to stop smoking. Some have opted to quit "cold turkey" or relied on patches, but when e-cigs came along — electronic nicotine delivery systems or devices that emit doses in a vapor for users to inhale without the smoke — millions lined up to give them a try. The most inviting premise was its original design to help cigarette smokers taper off and eventually quit. Since 2004, when the Chinese introduced e-cigs, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that by 2016, 3.2 percent of U.S. adults were e-cig users. More than 2 million middle school and high school-aged students had used in the previous 30 days. "Vaping" has overshadowed tobacco use among teenagers in the U.S., escalating by 900 percent between 2011 and 2015. For people 18 to 24 years of age, 40 percent had not been smokers before using the device.1 One of the newest e-cigs, made by Juul Labs Inc., has been making a big dent in the market. According to Bloomberg, the San Francisco-based startup is poised to rank its worth at $16 billion.2 While Israel is the only country where the vape pen is currently available outside the U.S., the company has plans to change that, The Verge notes: "Since launching in 2015, the Juul has been a runaway success. Vapers appreciate the flat rectangular product design, discreet size and powerful pre-filled nicotine pods. Sucking on a Juul creates a similar sensation to smoking a cigarette. As of … [June 2018] Juul had captured 68 percent of the U.S. e-cigarette market, according to Nielsen data … The company's growth has made it a bright spot in an ailing industry. Since January 2017, cigarettes' share of the smoking and vaping market has fallen by almost 4 percentage points. Juul's market share has jumped by roughly 3.5 percentage points in the same period."3 Morgan Stanley analyst Pamela Kaufman told investors that "Juul's success underscores the potential for disruptive technology to undermine U.S. tobacco's reliable business algorithm."4 Rival companies Philip Morris International Inc. (in the U.S), British American Tobacco Plc and Japan Tobacco Inc. have all seen their shares slump: 23 percent, 24 percent and 15 percent, respectively, just this year. Business Insider says the product is so popular, its use has become a verb; it's not "smoking" anymore, it's "Juuling." But here's how the company has overtaken their rivals in a very competitive market: The Juul contains somewhere around twice the concentration of nicotine as cigarettes and other vape pens, so they pack an even more powerful nicotine punch. What Juuls Deliver — More Than Users Bargained For Presented as the "most satisfying" and "genuine alternative to cigarettes,"5 Juuls are described as delivering "a nicotine hit that's much more like smoking a cigarette than other e-cigs."6 The company's patented JuulSalts approach to nicotine delivery is due to compounds called nicotine salts, which develop in heat-dried tobacco leaves much like most cigarettes.7 Science reporter Rachel Becker explains in The Verge: "These nicotine salts are less harsh to inhale than the straight-up, 'freebase' nicotine used in most regular nicotine vapes — the same kind of nicotine you get from smoking the air-dried tobacco used for pipes and cigars. Freebase nicotine can be absorbed through your mouth — but it's also much less pleasant to inhale because of its 'greater physiological (throat and chest) impact and toxicity,' according to a report for the tobacco industry from the 70s."8 Vapers who've tried Juuls agree they have a much stronger nicotine "hit" than other e-cigs. One ex-smoker found that once he started on Juuls, the vaping habit became "remarkably difficult to kick." Becker writes about The Verge's video director, Christian Mazza, a 15-year smoker who gave up cigarettes, then started vaping Juuls. His first reaction wasn't necessarily positive as he compared them with the low-nicotine e-cigs he started with, but after a while, he recalls: "It just sort of took over, and everything else just got put away in a shelf — and the Juul became the daily driver … I don't know what's going on on a molecular level, but it hits smoother and it's a lot more satisfying when you're craving that nicotine." In fact, the reality is that you could think of regular vapes like smoking a cigar, and the Juul pretty much like smoking a cigarette. JuulSalts make the nicotine easier to access. According to the company website, freebase nicotine is mixed with benzoic acid to make the e-liquid, which has a chemical reaction to produce the nicotine salts. JuulPod e-liquid cartridges contain up to twice the amount of nicotine as a pack of cigarettes, and they're just as easy to inhale.9,10 Making use even easier, The Boston Globe11 notes the Juul's built-in battery is charged via a magnetic USB adapter, takes an hour to charge and lasts for 200 puffs, or one full day of regular use. The fruity-, tobacco-, crème brulee-, mango- and mint-flavored pods contain 50 milligrams of nicotine and emit such a mild fragrance, they've been mistaken for a light perfume. With the Juul device, the company offers a "starter" kit online for $49.99. It comes complete with a charger, a warranty and four flavored Juul pods. On the resale market, the starter kit might run around $80. The Good, the Bad and the Addictive For adults who hope to get over their cigarette addiction by indulging in an occasional nicotine hit via vaping, Juul company spokesperson Victoria Davis says they were created for that purpose: They're "intended for adult smokers only who want to switch from combustible cigarettes." However, University of California San Francisco professor Gideon St. Helen told Becker that while an e-cig may have its place, "You just don't want young people using it." Davis insists that combating underage vaping is one of the company's highest priorities. "We cannot be more emphatic on this point: No young person or non-nicotine user should ever try Juul." But unfortunately, they do. Anti-smoking advocates say the company targets teens, but The Washington Times maintains it's a moot point because Juuls already have all the necessary elements for any age: They're flavored, their batteries can be recharged on a laptop in an hour and they fulfill the "cool factor."12 One high schooler is quoted as saying that while smoking is "gross … Juuling is really what's up."13 Another student enthuses, "People Juul at parties, Juul when they're driving — it's a social thing. They're Juuling all the time."14 But according to The New Yorker, "Teens have taken a technology that was supposed to help grownups stop smoking and invented a new kind of bad habit, molded in their own image." What's more, while school personnel across the U.S. have been used to looking for telltale whiffs of cigarette smoke and glimpses of slender white shafts, e-cigs sneaked up on them because they're so easy for users to conceal. Juuls may or may not have been specifically designed look like a USB flash drive at first glance. Interim superintendent Howard Colter at Cape Elizabeth High School in Maine noted, "They can pin them on to their shirt collar or bra strap and lean over and take a hit every now and then, and who's to know?"15 The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has noticed, and in April 2018 issued a report with FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb's comprehensive prevention plan to "stop youth use of, and access to, JUUL and other e-cigarettes." Others have similar characteristics to Juul, he notes, but more types of e-cigs are emerging into the marketplace all the time. He asserts: "In some cases, our kids are trying these products and liking them without even knowing they contain nicotine. And that's a problem, because as we know the nicotine in these products can rewire an adolescent's brain, leading to years of addiction. For this reason, the FDA must — and will — move quickly to reverse these disturbing trends, and, in particular, address the surging youth uptake of JUUL and other products."16 So What's so Bad About Juuls? Truth Initiative, a nonprofit youth anti-smoking organization, conducted a survey that revealed several things that should make everyone, including teens, sit up and take notice. Again, a significant number of students say they were unaware before they tried it that Juuls actually contained nicotine. One girl admitted she thought they were healthier than cigarettes and that "it won't give you as much cancer, but finding out that one pod is equivalent to one pack of cigarettes was shocking."17 The New York Times referenced another student's admission after he'd been reprimanded three times: "I can't stop."18 The device's patent includes charts showing how its nicotine salts rival a Pall Mall cigarette in the amount of nicotine absorbed into the bloodstream. That alone is troubling, but Truth Initiative's CEO, Robin Koval, lists a few facts that have been established regarding e-cigs to date: Nicotine has effects on young people's cognitive development If addicted to nicotine at a younger age, young people are more susceptible to other addictions later on in life When addicted at a younger age, it's harder to quit nicotine, whether it's vaped or a smoking product To a teenager's brain, particularly since it's not fully developed until around age 25, Business Insider notes potential vulnerability of their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in decision making, emotional control and impulse regulation. In short, nicotine, like any other drug, impacts developing brains more than those of adults. "Brain imaging on adolescents suggest that those who begin smoking regularly at a young age have markedly reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex and perform less well on tasks related to memory and attention compared to people who don't smoke."19 Dr. Nicholas Chadi, a clinical pediatrics fellow at Boston Children's Hospital, says brain changes from nicotine include increased sensitivity to other drugs and greater impulsivity. Effects of teen vaping he's run across include intense nicotine cravings after only a few months of use and loss of hope they'll be able to quit. Further, Chadi references a Lancet study ranking nicotine as more addictive than alcohol or barbiturates.20 "Some start showing irritability or shakiness when they stop."21 While they may show less severe withdrawal symptoms compared to adults, teen symptoms may appear after only a few hundred e-cigs. One study shows that 85 percent of those who try to stop either smoking or vaping end up relapsing.22 Dr. John Ross, from Brigham and Women's Hospital and a Harvard Health Blog contributor, says long-term safety information on e-cigs doesn't yet exist, and while they're "almost certainly" less dangerous than smoking, the nicotine itself in e-cigarettes may also have negative health effects. "Chronic nicotine exposure may lead to insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes … Inhaled nicotine increases heart rate and blood pressure. Nicotine is highly addictive in its own right, and it may lead to changes in the brain that increase the risk of addiction to other drugs, especially in young people."23 Are E-Cigs Dangerous? It's significant that Juul's labeling includes California's Proposition 65 warning that the product contains chemicals known to cause cancer, birth defects and/or other reproductive harm, and the website reiterates that the product contains addictive nicotine. Perhaps to counter that, company spokesperson Christine Castro says an in-house research team is looking at youth prevention to engage educators and parents, offers its curriculum to schools for free and will even help compensate for costs linked to after-school activities and addiction counselors. However, Bonnie Halpern-Felsher, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist and pediatrics professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, is of the mind that neither tobacco nor nicotine delivery device companies should be engaged in their own prevention work.24 Research at Portland State University25 "milked" the vapes from 11 different e-cigs with a syringe pump to examine the liquids and the aerosols produced by three of them. The "fruit medley" and "creme brulee" flavors had the most nicotine, but next to the lowest nicotine freebase levels. Only a liquid called "Placid" had lower freebase nicotine levels, and far lower nicotine overall. In essence, "Juul packs a bigger nicotine punch in a more pleasant package than the other products the team tested."26 One of the chemistry professors involved in the study called Juul use a double-edged sword: "If you've never smoked, and you try Juul for a few days, this is a recipe for addiction. You could make someone addicted who's never been a smoker — or, for someone who is addicted to nicotine, this could be a way to get off of cigarettes."27 In addition, it's important to understand that if you smoke e-cigarettes you may be exposing yourself to dangerous chemicals and toxic heavy metals with each puff, associated with cancers, heart disease and stroke. Other toxins detected in e-cigarette vapors include diacetyl, formaldehyde, diethylene glycol, tobacco-specific nitrosamine and highly reactive free radicals.28 In traditional cigarette smoke, these highly reactive free radicals are associated with cancer, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and heart disease. The History of Tobacco and How It Relates to E-Cigs Tobacco smoking has been a thing for thousands of years. Native Americans grew tobacco long before Europeans showed up, and smoked pipes for religious and medical purposes as many as 2,000 years ago; the Mayans possibly engaged in it from 600 to 900 A.D., if ancient, stone-chiseled depictions of the practice mean anything.29 It was a cash crop for New World settlers in 1612, and by the 1800s, it was being chewed, smoked in a pipe and hand-rolled for easy inhalation. Cancer Council NSW (conducting and funding world class cancer research), notes: "In 1602, an anonymous English author published an essay titled Worke of Chimney Sweepers, which stated that illnesses often seen in chimney sweepers were caused by soot, and that tobacco may have similar effects. This was one of the earliest known instances of smoking being linked to ill health."30 It took another 200 years for a German named Sammuel Thomas von Soemmerring to notice that mouth cancers were a hallmark of some pipe smokers. In 1798, an American doctor wrote about the dangers of tobacco, but it wasn't until the 1920s that actual research and medical reports cautioned the public. In the '50s and '60s it was confirmed: Ingesting tobacco can spike a range of serious diseases. With all that in mind, the medical world has been somewhat dumbfounded by the way e-cigs have completely changed the tobacco industry, which is why the science is absent in regard to what kind of damage, if any, habitual vapers can expect in regard to their health. The Verge observes: "Needing more independent data is a common theme: vaping is so new that there's a ton we don't know about it yet, which means that people who use these products are mostly left to figure out the risks and benefits on their own. Thanks to a massive study of studies from the National Academy of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine, we know vaping probably exposes smokers to fewer toxic chemicals than smoking does and may cut their risk for short-term health problems, too."31 Vaping Juuls: The Bottom Line A PLOS One study suggests there's a two- to seven-times greater possibility that vaping teens will move on to the real thing.32 But while experts say vaping can be a gateway to smoking in the traditional sense, one Juul spokesperson maintains that using e-cigs hasn't been proven as "causally related to cigarette use." Interestingly, the National Academies doesn't comment on whether vaping helps people stop smoking (and a reported 70 percent of adult smokers say they want to quit33) any better than other FDA-approved recommendations, such as using nicotine patches, gum or lozenges.34 On the other hand, the Academies recently revealed incontrovertible evidence that using e-cigs creates a dependence on them.35 Vapers say that when they started, it was supposed to be a "transitional thing," but one couple admits they're still vaping two years later, and ask, "At what point does the transition get us off of nicotine completely?" To simply start vaping less is like telling smokers to smoke less, one Juuls user grouses, because the product, he says, is essentially designed to make you want to use it more. There's talk of the company rolling out lower-dose pods, but the company declined to comment on when or how. Meanwhile, Juuls are patent protected, and their expanding customer base is flourishing, which is going to make it hard for the powers-that-be at Juul to switch up the status quo in regard to how the product is made, because it's quite profitable. After all, Castro says, "The entire conception, premise, operations, mission of the company is to eliminate cigarettes and get adult smokers to switch to our vapor product." One could compare it to putting a finger in a leaking dike, but before the first quarter of 2018 was out, 11 U.S. senators sent two letters to Juul Labs Inc., stating that the company's products undermine the fabric of the nation's efforts to curb tobacco use, and calling the company out for putting "an entire new generation of children at risk of nicotine addiction."36 Time will tell whether or not there's a positive response.