#i was in a real funk and just really depressed but i think im pulling myself out of it

[yunogf]

might be able to post some edits today ☺️

[ao3gingerswag]

okay so I had a lil plot bunny for wander home I thought id share.

so I know that we don't really know how dean turned up at johns, I think you made a passing comment about him being left there but you said you hadn't really thought about it. I was thinking about wander home (as one is wont to do when ignoring any and all other responsibilities) and i had a little thought. so I'm thinking this is way in the future when sam is like 17/18, he's going through all the teenage angst and hes having thoughts about bio family. obviously, dean and cas are very happy at this point but sam for some reason gets it into his head that since he and dean aren't *actually* biologically related, their relationship means less and he starts obsessing over deans actual family and whether they could give him things sam couldn't (I think this would tie into a lot of guilt im sure sam has about his inaction during their childhood at johns even tho he was a literal child) and it's this whole guilt thing of whether or not dean has a better sam out there and how sam used him and all such guilt. so anyways, 17/18 sam is I imagine still doing his lessons with the pastor, perhaps he's been promoted to apprentice or whatever, and he decides to use his almost adulthood to try and track down deans bio family. I think he does this to get answers, solving the mystery of deans past (bc deans been with him entire life) but also to prove to himself whether he is actually keeping dean from a better life (o the teen angst) and maybe reunite them. so adventure commences, I imagine him searching through any records he can get his hands on (not many) and maybe lying to cas and dean and saying he's been send on an errand by the pastor and he goes back to John's inn to search for information. anyways after that all happens idk if it would be better for him to find out the truth or not, I can picture multiple endings that would work out differently which I can also add on later if you want but the ending point would be sam realising that dean IS his brother and they ARE enough and 'family don't end in blood' and all that jazz and he returns to the inn and maybe he tells them maybe he doesn't but either way he comes back a lot happier and dean and cas are like 🤨🤨 but they're happy he's seemed to come out of his funk and welcome him back with open arms and make a fuss out of him and sams like :]]]]

ohhhh noooooo this is wonderful!!!!!!! poor sammy :( having all the survivors guilt come back and blaming himself for things that were SO totally out of his control (sam: i didn’t lift a finger to help him ;~; ! dean cas bobby eileen pastor murphy literally everyone else they know: you were literally like 7 what the fuck were u supposed to do???) (also he DID lift a finger to help he always tried to help and risked his dad’s wrath for it, from the time he was like 3 years old ;~;)

anyway anyway. Sam goes Searching, maybe he has to confront john again to get the answers he wants (if john is even still alive idk. regardless i dont think he’d have his inn anymore lol not w/o dean and sam to do all the work. hes probably in debtors prison or whatever.) and yeah theres def no record of what happened to get dean into john’s hands. i think i mentioned in the outside that dean has a vague memory of being pulled away from his parents while crying ;~; but yeah they sold him to john. but like its the middle ages it wasnt like formal there was no paperwork. there is no record. but! maybe sam finds out where john is through the records he can access thru pastor murphy. maybe like he sees that john had been arrested and is in some prison, so he knows where to find him. maybe they only let him in because he can be like Look I��m Important I Work With Pastor Murphy or whatever. so they let him in ans he confronts john and gets to cathartically shout at him/punch him in the face/force him to tell him where he got dean and everything he knows about dean’s parents.

so he uses this information and finally tracks down dean’s parents. and! they suck! like theyre not EVIL per say. not like john. but they still sold dean to a creep who didnt make an effort to hide how he was gonna treat dean. and theyre...really not remorseful when sam is like hey i know ur long lost kid. the dude u sold him to turned him into a child prostitute. and theyre like well thats not OUR fault! like theyre really defensive and pissy and dont have any interest in meeting dean or even hearing about him. they just want to be left to their lives.

so for a while sam is super devestated about this. i think he kind of built up this whole thing in his head where he would find dean’s family and they’d be wonderful and better than sam and sam would reunite them, thus finally making dean permanently happy and making up for the imagined guilt he carries around bc of their childhoods.

(maybe this whole thing started bc while dean has generally become very happy with his life hes still fucked up, maybe he got into a depressive funk and had like a panicked breakdown like he hadn’t in years, and sam was like whoa. this is my fault and dean still isnt actually happy i guess. maybe if i can find his Perfect Other Family he’ll be happy)

so sam makes his way home all :( sad and depressed and feeling like he failed. and then! when he gets home! he comes in and he sees :) dean being happy :) (dean and cas weren’t worried about sam being gone bc they knew he was traveling, tho they didnt know the real reason). and dean is like smiling and laughing while baking bread with cas and sam is like.... :o and then dean sees sam! and hes like :DDDDD SAMMY YOU’RE BACK!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! and he runs over and gives sam a big hug and lifts him into the air even tho sam is giant at this point. and sam is like. oh. OH. he has a good family already. cas is his family. and i am his family. and we do make him happy. even if his parents were good he wouldnt want to go live with them or whatever bc he already has a happy family and home here <3 ;~; ;~; ;~;

and he doesnt tell dean where he really was or what he was doing or about his biological family bc it literally doesnt matter at all <3 <3 <3 ;~; <3 :)

[leniinero]

November 4th 2021 4:49am

Throwback posts//

December 1st 2020

There have been times in my life especially lately where I've needed someone to talk to because I feel so down and lonely and have reached out and those very people either straight up said "no, not here for all of that" or "i try to keep positive so I'd rather not listen to sad stuff" or "not this again!....just cheer up! Think happy thoughts!"

Okay. Great. That's so easy. 😒

Um okay. So next time people wonder why I'm so quiet and keep to myself. This is why.

I dont want to bother anyone.

No one looks out for Lenii. Am I supposed to have this figured out by 31? Like is that there blueprint?

I scream but nobody listens.

Clinical depression is real and it brings a mess of friends. There's a block party in our heads that we weren't invited to.

The demons ain't the only ones up at night.

January 14, 2020

People dont understand how severe depression can be and how it affects everyone differently.

People really think you just dont care about the way you look, how clean your area, your schooling, your health is etc. You do care, you always care, you're just sucked so deep in your head that doing anything else seems impossible. You cant get over depression or even work on it when people around you, those that claim to love/care for you, give you shit. And say "it's a phase"; "get over it, pull yourself out of it!" Dont you think if it were that easy mental illness would be a thing? Ever?

It's like those 80s movies or that episode of Supernatural where you're running from the monster you cant see....or hear but you know it's there because you sense it. It's there! So you run into your room, block the doors and windows, sit on your bed. And try to breathe, you think you're safe so you start to calm down so you can focus on what to do next. How to stay alive.

And right when all starts to seem well, the monster you thought you left on the other side of the door.....grabs you by the ankles and starts to pull you under the bed. You cry, you scream, you knock shit over. And all that left is a mess. A mess and your nail Marks on the floor.

We do know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, we just don't think we deserve to see it.

Instead of at least trying to understand or be there for this person or even just listening; you're judging and assuming.

Hey, how about you just ask? Or even a "hang in there buddy!" Would do just fine.

I'm over it. ✌

October 17, 2020

#TMI

I dont just think people don't understand the severity of depression. If you couple it with anxiety, its even worse. I've had a clear plan in my head since my mom died in 2014, a plan of what I've wanted to do with my life. I've seen a post of about how they take months to do something that would only take 30 minutes because that's what depression does to you. Its more than a quick moment of sadness or uncertainty;its more than a funk. Its a serious thing that a lof of people just brush off when someone else has it. I think that's why "Glass House" is such an important song to me. Because its therapeutic even if it is sad. Because even if it increases the pain, it makes me feel understood. Even if it is by complete strangers like Kells & Naomi.

I spent all of my 20s in waste. I moved to another state to start over..Im almost 31 and I've done little to nothing to make these plans happen.

And what's worse is that people keep reminding me of how much of a fuck up I am. So when I over post about stuff that makes me happy, that's just me, trying to make myself happy. I dont mean to be annoying.

Ive tried to reach out to people that I thought cared about me, people I've known forever as a last ditch effort. But nothing. They've literally told me no. Don't wanna hear it. Id rather not listen to you talk about sad things..etc. This is why I just keep things to myself. (With the exception of this post)

So, lets talk about you....show me a picture or lyric or quote or link that helps you get through hard times.

I'm gonna have to do a separate post on these songs.

[bytemycupcakes]

Breakup

A couple bits of Mavrik dealing with his and Charlie’s breakup, leading to some subtle fatherly (and Lucifer maybe?) bonding.

Words: 1574

(Thanks again to@/voneldrich for letting me use their name for the Von Eldrich father! Saved me so much pain TTvTT)

~~

Mavrik takes a bit longer getting home than he usually does. It’s no surprise for him of course- He doesn’t want to see anyone. He can’t believe what he just did. How could he ever- He was raised better. He’s supposed to be better than that. That- Those things he did… That’s Helsa’s thing, she’s the one who attacks anyone and everyone. Not him. He thought so anyway, maybe things are changing, what’s next? Helsa sharing her feelings?

He’s barely holding back his tears, and can barely see through the ones managing to escape. He can feel blood leaking across his knuckles- Did he really punch those kids that hard? He’s not sure, he barely remembers it depite it happening just an hour ago. 

Mavrik stumbles up the stairs and fumbles with opening the front door. As the door opens he’s met with his father- Right, he and Lucifer had a meeting tonight. Mavrik stares like a deer in headlights as Styx looks him over. Of course it’s pretty hard to miss how terrible Mavrik looks right now, so his father asks the dreaded question, “Mavrik- Son are you alright..?”

Mavrik tries to hold himself together, he’s almost an adult, he shouldn’t be breaking down at the slightest bit of concern. But god damn he just lost the source of his happiness- He sniffles and weakly shakes his head as he plants himself against his father’s shoulder, letting the tears finally fall. Styx sighs and quietly puts his arms around Mavrik, “It’s alright… Come- let’s sit down-”

Styx leads Mavrik to the couch and they sit. He wants to ask Mavrik why he’s so upset, but ultimately decides to wait until Mavrik calms down. They sit in silence for a bit, when he seems to remember something- He pulls out his phone and dials. Mavrik can hear the phone ring, so he tries to quiet himself.

“Ah- I was just about to call you-” Lucifer’s voice sounds through the phone speaker.

“Yes hello Lucifer- I… Think we may need to cancel our plans… Mavrik’s um-” Styx looks down at Mavrik, patting his head.

“Yyeeeesss… Charlotte’s quite-” Theres a loud crash through the speaker, “Angry… We’ll need to reschedule…”

“Indeed…” He hums and hangs up, setting the phone down.

“I-I’m sorry-” Mavrik mumbles between his sobs.

“I take it you and Charlotte must’ve broken up today..?”

Mavrik nods. His father tightens his hold on him, “Those can be tough, but you’ll be alright… In time.”

Mavrik shrugs like he doesn’t believe him, “I-” He sniffles, “I don’t think so, dad-” He wipes his tears the best he can, “I… It’s all my fault- Im so- stupid-”

Styx frowns, “Oh come now, Mavrik- Don’t talk about yourself like that… Your first relationship going sour is a common occurance, no need to beat yourself up about it.”

“But I-!” Mavrik cuts himself off- He doesn’t want to say it outloud, then it’ll be real- He huffs and gets up, “I’m- I’m gonna call it an early night… Thanks for- All of that, dad-”

He smiles, “You know I’ll always be here for you, Mavrik. Sleep well, son”

–

Mavrik is laying in bed, he doubts he got any sleep- He isn’t sure when he last slept honestly… Even though he hasn’t left his room in a week or so. Every time he tries he remembers what happened- He swears he can still… Feel her in his hand- Picture how angry she was with him- Why won’t the images leave his head? Why can’t he just forget it! Wouldn’t he be better off that way?

He pulls his pillow closer to his chest and huffs when he hears footsteps outside of his room. Mavrik isn’t really sure what time it is- But he’s sure that nobody should actually be home.

The footsteps stop, and there’s a small sigh, “How’s he doing?” Oh- It’s Lucifer.

“Better I’d assume… He stopped crying at least- He should still be sleeping if you’d like to check on him.” And his father- Mavrik wonders why they’re here- Rather than the Mange’s home where they usually work.

Mavrik quietly huffs, turning his head to the door in case Lucifer decides to come in.

“No, no.. I’ll let the boy be…”

The footsteps begin again, heading toward his father’s office. The voices pregressively get quieter.

“Hows Charlotte been?”

“Finally stopped tearing up her room-” Lucifer sighs, “Still no idea on what happened?”

“No- He won’t tell us… Just says it’s his fault-”

“Charlotte won’t say anything about it either- Did we mess up somewhere, Styx? To make them not trust us with this…?”

Their voices are to faded for Mavrik to hear his father’s responce- But he’ll conceide… Lucifer’s question makes him feel bad. Why hasn’t he told his parent’s what he did? They’re his parents- They’ll help him through this, wouldn’t they? But there’s another question on Mavrik’s mind, “… W̨̨͘͢͏h̵̛͘̕y͢ ̡d͏oes Lucifer even care how I’m doing…?”

His face scrunches up at how pathetic he sounds. He’s almost forgotten that he hasn’t talked in a few days. He hums into his pillow, he should probably get up- Doesn’t need his legs to atrophy… He will later.

–

A few hours pass- Long enough that Mavrik hopes he’s finally the only one home. He rolls off his bed- Litterally, he rolls off the mattress and thuds against the floor, “O͘w̶̨҉”

He clears his throat then groans as he forces himself to sit up. He stares at the floor for a bit, “C’mon Mav- You can get up, damnit. Can’t stay in here forever.” He slaps a hand on his bed, managing to push himself to his feet, “Life goes on… You gotta go with it-”

Mavrik has decided he’s going to fake it ‘til he makes it, so he does his best to push down his bad feelings and get dressed. He isn’t going anywhere, but looking like a presentable person usually helps one get out of depressive funks. He runs his hands through his- honestly disgusting- hair to attempt to tame it and glances at the sunlight peeking through his curtains, “I haven’t been outside in awhile, huh?” He squints at his now greasy feeling hands for a moment then back to the curtain, “It looks nice out- A walk out back wouldn’t kill me.”

The day is indeed nice, Mavrik strolls through the family garden with a subtle smile. He used to do this quite often when he was younger, he doesn’t remember why he ever stopped. The garden’s always been a nice quiet place to just think, and that’s exactly what Mavrik needs to do. He stops by one of the flowering bushes and cups one of the flowers. A petal has clearly been eaten a bit, but the flower appears to be fine, just a small scar in it’s life, it can move on and keep living.

Some tears start to bead up when Mavrik hears some distant speaking- Damn, He isn’t the only one home apparently. He figures he should show- whoever it is- that he’s finally “functioning” again, so he goes toward the voices source. He’ll admit, he isn’t too surprised when it turns out to be his father and Lucifer, though he thought they would’ve gone back to work by now.

“I just can’t figure out why Charlotte won’t be honest with me- She know’s I want to help- To see her happy-”

Mavrik grumbles to himself as he hears Lucifer- Of course they’re talking about Charlie, he and her have been the talk of their families since they broke up. He walks up beside the two parents, oh great he’s doing it, “I… May have an idea-” Mavrik leans forward as he pokes into their conversation.

They both look to him, surprised for a moment then they both smile.

“Mavrik my boy! It’s lovely to see you!” Lucifer sounds far to happy for Mavrik to really believe him.

Though he bows slightly anyway- it’s only polite, “Likewise, sir- I apologise that you must see me like this-” Sure he’s dressed, but he still looks awful.

Styx chuckles, waving a hand, “Nonsense, Mavrik. Lucifer’s seen you in diapers, seeing you distraught is no different.”

“… I suppose-” Mavrik shrugs, his father is right, sure, though he still doesn’t feel like he looks presentable.

Styx stands and goes to Mavrik, placing a hand on his shoulder, “It’s nice to finally see you out of bed, son… I’ve been getting worried”

“I’ll- Be fine, dad…” Mavrik shrugs once again, “Promise-” He tries to ignore how much that feels like a lie, he’s worried his family enough.

Lucifer gets up aswell, “Well- You’re not the only one struggling here, Charlotte’s taking it hard aswell. Though it isnt-” Lucifer cuts himself off for a moment, “Er- As… Physically obvious as your struggles-”

Styx rolls his eyes and sighs while pushing Lucifer away, “He’s- right but- Ignore him, Mavrik, you know Lucifer has no filter.”

“Yeah I’m startin’ to think you don’t either, dad-” Mavrik laughs slightly, “I’m- Gonna go take a shower- Before I start looking like one of those… Gaming losers- Who don’t know what deodorant is-” He awkwardly finger-guns at Styx and Lucifer as he backs away.

As Mavrik heads back to the house, the sound of Styx slapping Lucifer on the back of the head echoes through the garden- Mavrik snorts, but tries to hold in his laughter, pretending he couldn’t hear it.

[cosmichoneyedblossoms]

White Sands

MERMAN Shownu X Reader

Genre: Fluffy

Word Count: 2,894

A/N: Okay, so, not gunna lie, this one was hard to write, but also fun! Thank you @xkpopobsessedx for helping me create ideas for this cutie! Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy!

Day One: 8:00 PM

“It’s been so long since we’ve been on a vacation together. What’s it been like, five years?”

“Mmm...” I hummed, scrolling through my phone. My mother tapped my leg, my eyes dragging up to see her face, “What?”

“Put your phone away. We’re going on this trip to get you out of your funk since that stupid boy broke your heart.”

“Can we not talk about Dean, please...” I asked, turning my head to look out the window.

“This four day get away at the beach should help you.”

“Yeah, because the ocean and sand can help me get rid of my depression...” 

“Don’t be like that, Y/N...” She whispered and I tuned her voice out as I watched the trees turn into beaches, tan sands fading almost to white due to the season change. The water soaking in the still warm air and bright sun, resting upon the shore line waiting to cover someone’s feet; I bet it’s starting to get cold, not like we’ll probably swim anyway. 

“We’re here.” We pulled up to a house that sat on the beach. The siding of the house colored a cerulean blue, fashioned with dark wood steps leading up to the door; even though the house was weathered, it still held some beauty. We stepped out of the car, pulling our luggage from the trunk, and then made our way up to the door. My mother opened the deep red door and we were greeted by the squeals of my older sisters, Anessa and Samantha.

“So glad you guys could finally make it.” Anessa took our mother’s luggage from her, sliding it over to the side of the couch.

“I’m sorry, girls. There was so much traffic on the highway.”

“No surprise there.” Sam grunted from the couch.

“Sorry to interrupt, but will you show me to my room, please?” I asked, Anessa skimmed over me, placing her hands on her hips.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I think the last time I saw you was at Christmas dinner with De—”

“All right, all right, let’s not pester, Y/N. She’s had a long week. Sam, honey, show her to her room, please.”

“Ah, okay, mom.” Sam replied, getting up from the couch. I followed her down the hall to the last room on the left and she opened the door, “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Mmm...” I nodded and walked into the blinding room. Pale blue painted walls, dark wood flooring, driftwood colored furniture, white bedding, and a window seat facing the ocean.

Cute...

I opened my bag, unpacked my clothes into the dresser, then closed the curtains over the windows, and finally laid down on the bed, resting my eyes.

Day Two: 4:00 AM

I opened my eyes to a dark bedroom, the sound of the ocean waves seeping into the room.

How long have I been out?

I pulled my phone from under the pillow, the screen lighting up to show 4:02 on the clock. I laid my phone down, turning on the lamp on the side table, then getting up to pull a sweater from the dresser. I tugged it on, slipping on my shoes, and stepping out of the bedroom into the dim hallway. I padded my way across the floor into the dining room, sliding the glass balcony door open, letting the sea salt tainted air kiss my face. I closed the door behind me and walked down the balcony stairs, down into the sand. The sound of the waves crashing soothed my numb mind, my body being pulled closer to the shore; I sat down close to the water, watching it roll in and drift back out, when something moving through the water caught my eye.

A person swimming at this time of night?

I watched the body move closer and closer until I could make out his features in the moonlight— shaggy dark brown hair, soft cheek bones, but killer jaw line, thick lips, and sharp eyes.

Wow, he’s gorgeous...

He came closer until his body rested on the shore, everything but his head still under the water, “Hey...”

Is he talking to me?

I looked around, searching for someone else he could be talking to when he spoke again, “Who are you looking for?”

“I was making sure you were actually talking to me.” I confessed, tugging at the sleeves of my sweater. His eyes wrinkled as a beaming smile appeared on his lips.

“What is a beautiful girl like you doing out here in the middle of the night?”

“I could ask you the same thing. Isn’t the water cold?” I asked, moving closer to him, the water starting to touch my feet.

“Not really. I live in the water so it doesn’t really effect me.”

“Ah, you mean you’re always coming out to swim—”

“No...” The water splashed behind him and I leaned to the side, the dark red color coming into focus, “I’m a merman.” I got up to my feet, traipsing into the water, the iciness making me hiss, but I needed to make sure he wasn’t playing around with me, I needed to see if he was telling the truth.

“I thought mermaids and mermen were just old sailors tales, not real life...?” I questioned as he turned over, sitting on the ocean floor, his waist submerged under the water.

“We stay hidden for our safety.” He lifted his tail, the deep red iridescent scales glittering under the moonlight.

“What a shame, you’re a beautiful creature...” I ran my hand over his scales, his tail twitching at my touch. I flicked my eyes up to his face, his cheeks ruddied and his bottom lip caught between his teeth, “I’m sorry, I touched you without even asking,”

“No, no, that’s okay. I was just shocked you actually came out into the cold ocean to touch me.” He teased, his wet locks fell onto his forehead as he lifted his hand, “I haven’t introduced myself yet, I’m Hyunwoo, but you can call me Shownu.”

“Oh,” I took his hand into my own, shaking it, “I’m Y/N.”

“A beautiful name for someone like you.” My cheeks burned at his statement, his chestnut eyes stared into mine, his hand pulling me close, “Y/N...” My name bubbled from his lips, his voice hypnotizing me, “I’m sorry, but the sun is starting to come up, so I must take my leave.”

“Oh...” I turned towards the horizon, hints of pinks starting to tint the sky, “Has it really been that long?”

He grunted to my question, “Can I see you tomorrow night, well I should say tonight?”

“Of course you can, if you want to.” A smile spread over his lips, his teeth peeking through his lips.

“Lovely. Meet here at midnight?”

I nodded, biting my lip.

“I’ll see you tonight, Y/N.” Shownu swam out into the ocean, soon diving down and disappearing.

Day Three: 12:00 am

“You came, Y/N.” Shownu laid against the shore, just as he did the night before.

“Did you think I wouldn’t?”

Shownu pondered my question then shrugged, “I wasn’t sure, but I’m glad you did.”

“I actually came prepared this time, too.”

“What do you mean by that?” He asked as I pulled off my sweater, Shownu clearing his throat, “Y/N, what’re you doing?”

“Taking off my clothes, so I can get in the water in my bathing suit and keep my street clothes clean and dry.” I laughed, seeing his cheeks flush.

“I thought you were—”

“Oh, I know what you thought.” I teased, tossing my shorts with my sweater away from the shore and stepping into the water, taking a seat next to him. He cleared his throat once more, scooting closer to me, peering into my face.

“Y/N?” 

“Yes?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes? Especially in the moonlight?”

I laughed a bit, nudging him, “Has anyone ever told you that you’re such a flirt?” Shownu let out a chuckle leaning into me, sighing comfortably, “I do have a question for you, Shownu.”

“And I have an answer for you... probably.”

“If staying hidden was to keep you safe, why did you show yourself to me?”

“Hmm... that’s a good question...” He flicked his tail up, sucking his teeth, “Since I was a child, I could always tell when someone needed something. May it be an ear or someone to lean on, I could just feel it in my bones and seeing you last night, I could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t need to ask since it’s none of my business...” He paused for a moment, his hand ghosting over my fingers, “I’m here for you, whatever you need, Y/N.” I looked at him, his eyes catching mine.

“Shownu...” I felt a blush start to prickle at my cheeks and I looked down at my lap, soon his warm wet fingers brushed strands of hair behind my ear, “Tomorrow is my last night here so, I wouldn’t get too attached to me.”

“I’m not going to worry about that right now. I’ll make the moments you spend with me memorable, to where you won’t forget me or want to leave me.”

“Not like I could forget meeting a merman.” I breathed, moving out into the water.

“Oh, would you like me to leave then?” He huffed, moving out into the water with me.

“No!” I exclaimed and Shownu snorted, trying to stifle a laugh, “Don’t be mean.” I splashed water at him and he chuckled.

“Oh, now it’s on.” He hissed, playfully pulling me to him, his fingers poking at my sides making me squirm and giggle under his touch. I struggled to get away from him, but his hands ceased their attack and held me close to him, his warmth spreading through my back.

“Is this where you kill me?” I joked, a laugh leaving him. 

“If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve already.” I rested my head against his chest, watching the moon ripple on the water. 

“The more time I spend out here in the water, the more I feel myself wanting to stay. For a change of scenery, to get away from my home, away from the memories that linger in that town...” I ran my fingers over Shownu’s arm, his grip tightening.

“Then why don’t you stay?”

“There’s just things I have to return to... work, school... life in general. I rather spend my time here, with you, soaking up the moonlight and avoiding stress.”

“Stress? Why are you so stressed?”

“It’s a long story.”

“We’ve got three more hours until daylight, so we’ve got time.” 

“Well...” I went into deep detail of my life for the past few months since my break up with my ex and about how I’ve been dealing with it. Every once in a while Shownu would ask a question and then fall silent again; once I finished my life story, Shownu rested his head in the nook of my neck.

“I wish you never had to go through that, Y/N... You’re such a sweet girl. If I were human, I would keep you by my side forever.” He whispered, placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder.

“You’re too kind, Shownu... We just met and I feel like I’ve known you for forever.” I relaxed into him, sighing a bit, noticing the break of daylight leaking out onto the water, “Time to go, Shownu...”

“Just a few more minutes, please.” Shownu tightened his grip on me, burying his face into my damp hair.

“Just a few, I don’t want you getting caught.” Shownu lifted his head, turning it in close to my cheek, his lips grazing against my skin.

“Alright.” Shownu held me close for a few more moments, short silent moments, before he let me go and placed a soft kiss against my cheek, “Midnight, my dear.”

“Deal.” I smiled, watching him dive down, and disappear.

Day Four: 12:00am

I sat down on the cold sand in jeans and a thick sweater, the sea salt breeze starting to get colder every night. I watched the water ripple, waiting for Shownu to appear. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I rested my head on them, my eyes getting heavy. I dug my phone from my pocket, looking at the clock that read 12:10.

Maybe he got caught up with something... He knows it’s our last night...

I hugged my legs, burying my face into my sweater to fight off the cold breeze, closing my eyes.

“Y/N...” A gentle voice called out, rousing me from my sleep. I pulled my head up for the bright sunlight to blind me.

It’s morning?

I rubbed my eyes, blinking them a few times before trying to focus on anything around me.

He didn’t show...

Warmth spread over the top of my head, causing me to look up, a shadow looming over me, “I’m sorry it took me so long, Y/N, but I’m here now...” Shownu’s voice met my ears and I smiled.

“That’s funny... you sound like—” The shadow crouched down, my eyes focusing on the voice’s face, Shownu’s features coming into focus.

“It is me, dork.” He whispered and I looked him up and down, no tail, but human legs covered by the blanket I brought out.

“Shownu?!” I squealed, jumping from the sand to face him, “H-How is this possible?” I studdered, trying to take in his body. He stood, a little wobbly on his feet.

“When my father passed, he knew I was not meant for the sea, he gave me an elixir saying that it could make one sprout legs to walk the earth. I thought it was all a joke so I didn’t mess with it, but then I met you and I needed to at least try to see if it was real... and now...” He chuckled, “I’m here, in front of you, naked...”

“Oh shit, Shownu, let’s get you inside.” I took his hand, tugging him up to the balcony, “When did you get here? How long did you let me sleep?” I walked up the stairs and then I pushed open the sliding door to be met by my mother’s and my sister’s stares.

“Y/N? Who is the naked—”

“No time to explain, mom. Anessa, do you still have some of your husbands old clothes that don’t fit him anymore?” They stared at me then skimmed over Shownu, him shyly lifting his hand, waving— them not moving, “Y’all!” I yelled, Anessa rushing to her room.

“Let me go draw a bath for him, you must be freezing, dear.” My mother looked over him once more before going to the bathroom. Sam just sat there, ogling him, her mouth slightly ajar.

“Sam, go do something with yourself...” I growled, pulling Shownu over to the bathroom, my mother sliding out to let us through. I closed the door behind us and I sighed leaning against the counter, “They’re going to be the death of me...”

“They seem nice.”

“They can be, until they see a gorgeous man walk through the door.” Shownu chuckled at my words, “Alright, merman, get into the bath.” He looked at me and then at the bathtub.

“The what?”

“The bath...” I pointed at the tub and he shrugged his shoulders, starting to get into the bathtub with the blanket wrapped around his waist, “Oh, hold on...” I took the blanket into my hands, closing my eyes, pulling it from his body.

“Can I not get that wet?”

��I mean you could, but the bath is to wash you.”

“Wash me?” I opened my eyes to be met with his confused gaze.

“Yes, wash you. Now sit.” He sat down at my words.

“It’s hot.”

“Yup, that’s how it’s supposed to be.” I took the cup that was on the side of the tub and dipped it into the water, then pouring it over his hair. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and he cocked his head to the side.

“What’s that?”

“Shampoo, it’s to wash your hair.” I opened the cap and squirted the thick liquid into my hand and rubbed it into his hair, creating a thick lather, and then pouring the water through his hair once more to rise it out. I grabbed another bottle and handed it to him, “Okay so this is body wash, you take this...” I grabbed a washcloth from the rack over the toilet and handed it to him, “Soak that in the water and add some of the body wash to the cloth and clean your body. I’m going to go get the clothes from Anessa.”

“Mmm.” He nodded his head and I left the bathroom, Anessa, Sam, and my mother looking at me.

“What?”

“Who is that man?” Sam crossed her arms, huffing.

I laughed a little, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, just think of him as my new companion... Anessa, those clothes?”

“Ah.” She handed me a stack of clothes and I smiled, “When we get home, I’ll send these back.”

“Just keep them. They’re too big for him anyway.”

“Thanks.” I turned back and walked into the bathroom to see Shownu standing outside of the tub, a towel wrapped around his waist, “Oh, you’re done?”

“I think so.” 

“Well, c’mon, let’s go get you dressed.” I opened the door once again, starting to walk out when Shownu’s hand gripped onto the fabric of my sweater, following closely behind me.

Shownu sat on my bed, clothed in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, his eyes roaming the bedroom. I dug in one of the dresser drawers, pulling out another towel and I walked over in front of him, “Your hair is still wet, you’re going to get a cold, goofy.” I gently rubbed his hair, drying the dripping ends, his hands wrapping around my waist.

“Is this what it would be like everyday with you?” He nuzzled his face into my chest, my cheeks burning at the feeling of his warmth radiating through my body.

“Shownu, why did you change?”

Not missing a beat, he spoke, “Because I found someone I couldn’t live in the water with, so I changed...” He gazed up at me, his unwavering chestnut eyes looking into my soul, “So I could be with you.” 

[hcrris]

can ….. i come in ????? have been watching unbreakable kimmy schmidt for 3 hours pretending time isnt passing , life isnt real and in fact.. i am dreaming (-: lajdfksl hey <3 im jay im 21 and i love those instagram profiles of hamsters in little clothes ( when they got little purses? ???? dont talk to me im cryin. ) below u will find info about jane harris aka literally the vine of the little kid scribbling hard like his life depended on it. shes a mess ?? but a semi enjoyable mess. a mess with good intentions. if u want to establish some connections, LIKE THIS and i will come annoy u <3 alternatively u can ease my social anxiety and msg me here or through my discord sencha tea#4035 (و ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و♡

( lily collins, cis female, she/her. ) — jane harris has been a medina complex resident for three years, now. they’re twenty-three years old, and they tend to avoid making eye contact. sometimes when i walk by B06, i hear cherry-coloured funk by cocteau twins playing. lately, i’d say they’re pretty effervescent, but sometimes that’s overwhelmed by the fact that they’re neurotic. i mean, they usually pay their rent on time, though, and that’s most important fact here.

repeatedly fixing the apartment number on the door when it swings down to a nine, a split moment of shadow after the radiance of laughter, carl sagan’s pale blue dot, a life of frequent minor accidents, constant hunger for balance overshadowed by emotional turbulence.

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TW ALCOHOLISM EMOTIONAL ABUSE DEPRESSION & ANXIETY !!!!! ok moving on

her parents met in art school in paris.. her mom is french and studied art history while her dad was an exchange student from california with a skewed artist mentality. it was that saccharine, toxic sort of love. her mom always felt like she needed to be the guardian angel in the relationship who would always hold him up when he was feeling down and he was feeling down….. a lot. because she was putting all that energy to save her relationship, she was drowning too but never enough to walk away. there was a lot of love there but it was twisted and uncomfortable at times

when they found out jane was on the way, it felt like they needed to suddenly grow up. her mom was ready to make changes, adapt to the new lifestyle. her dad, on the other hand, urged they rethink if this is what they want but he didn’t push for abortion.. he understood it was jane’s mothers choice to make and reassured that he would be there for the both of them no. matter. what. 

but ??? the reality was he felt trapped by the idea of a child and he struggled to acknowledge and accept how quickly his life was flipping upside down and how he lost all control of it. he wanted to travel around europe ???? soak in nature, daydream and make art . but jane’s mom wanted to settle. instead of embarking on adventures after graduating, they decided to move to california. 

things just seemed to fall apart like domino from then on. janes mom was lead astray.. thinking that what california would bring them was stability but instead, it was all chaos. they rushed to get married .. turned out janes father wasnt on good terms with his parents. he was irresponsible financially, put both his parents in huge debt, was blinded by his ego to ever realise his mistakes. lied constantly .. convincing janes mom that there’s light going forward. that once he finds a sponsor for his art .... once he sells his first piece ... once they see in him what he always saw in himself , he was going to make it right. and he reassured he would make it right for jane.

janes mom was so pathetically in love that she pushed through .. living in a sort of imagined world, believing that things were better than they actually were. and her dad was good at persuading that narrative. he would come home with a pocketful of cash and the bills paid. oftentimes, it was all an act. his art wasn’t selling and a lot of what he bragged about was borrowed or stolen. behind the curtain, he was absent and unmotivated. he would come home in the evening claiming that the whisky breath was celebratory but in reality, he was complaining to the barman two blocks away about how his life feels monotone .. like a french black and white movie.  

the day of jane’s birth was a whole mess. her father decided to drive her mother to the hospital, knowing he had one too many. they were caught for speeding and while janes dad spent the night at a nearby station for driving under influence, her mom was at the back of a cop car, crying for one too many reasons .. jane decided to hang on for a little while longer and was born at 3am the following night. cradled in her mothers arms and her dads voice humming on the line

jane would only ever hear the romanticised version of this story from her mother. this ??? fucked up sense of security that no matter what, love conquers all. that love means supporting each other, loving each other extra when everything else falls apart. but truth is.. her mother was forced to give up her own dreams, lost all connections to her past, worked days and nights at a nursing home to support her family and pitch in to her husbands alcoholism while she’s at it. making excuses that jane was too young to contradict. all while the only source of happiness for her father was the haziness of his evenings, when he felt like floating and he could barely hold onto to his paintbrush. he was a stranger living in their basement .. more than he was ever a father 

growing up, jane watched her mother mask her depression. carry empty bottles out from the basement, trying to hide it from jane .. it brought her shame. she was doing the same thing to jane that he was doing to her for all these years .. consistently expressing a certain attitude, this unwavering satisfaction for the life they are living and so ... it hardens. you start to believe it. except unlike her mother, jane was observant.. she had other lives around her to compare to her own, voices of reason that pierced through the skewed perception her mother drilled into her skull. when jane grew into her skin, she felt so ... disgusted and angry. she tried to pull her mother out of her fantasy but nothing worked. 

through her high school years, she felt helpless .. her home life was a nightmare and she made every possible attempt to stay out of it for as long as possible. she took on jobs and extracurriculars .. stayed at her friends’ house until she couldn’t. and she would think.. think so hard, she would start crying. pushing her own problems away .. in her head, she would imagine herself in a different skin, a different place. it was the only way she could calm her breathing. only to have to battle the same thoughts the following morning

after graduating high school, jane went to community college for product management got a job offering after her placement at a big company and moved out shortly after ( and MOVED IN to medina... can i get a yee yee ) .. she got insurance for the first time in her life and eats too many of free pizza slices at work to save up on groceries every week <3

she doesn’t visit her parents bc she no longer feels like her mother is on her team. she’s lived a maddening and terribly draining life and living alone has brought her deserving peace.. although she’d rather keep contact with her mother to a minimum, its obvious that jane is her mothers anchor. if she feels as though her daughter is not fighting for her, she breaks down.. as much as jane wants to run away from her past, it always seems to catch up 

if ur still reading literally who are u lafjdkl. ill be done schoon ..... oof 

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if they are friends ... jane. will. talk. ur. ear. off. but probably not for the right reasons lol .. she has never been assessed by a professional, isn’t taking any treatment but she definitely needs it :( shes a chronic overthinker.. the voice in her head keeps chattering away most of the time which gets a little nauseating. she hates silence and feels like she needs to fill it with words. she often says the wrong things .. to the wrong people ... at the WRONG time and she is very aware of it. its the culprit for her self doubt and struggle to open up emotionally to the people shes close to. shes very critical towards herself, she micro analyses everything from the way she acts, the way she looks and what she says. shes also not a fan of confrontation !!!!!!!BUT!!!!!!!!!!!

 she is a FIREBALL when she stands up for others. i dont know how she hasnt gotten into a physical fight yet. she would literally rip ur side mirror off ur car if u didnt wait for an old lady to cross the street. is intense in every possible way. if shes angry, shes angry and impulsive and out of control, when she is in love, she feels it in her bones and simultaneously wants to rip her hair out, when she’s passionate about something, she is persistent until she isn’t and when she loses motivation, everything feels bleak .. theres never any emotional balance, even though she fights so hard for it every day 

likes sci fi movies .. literally when they are Floating in space ???? SIGN! JANE! THE! FUCK! UP! letterboxd is probably her favorite app. sometimes she will post a review, read it over and over, find something wrong with what she said and then delete it. shes very neurotic. she either has good days where she can comfortably be herself or bad days, when it feels like everyone is judging her every move when in reality. ... it is always .. all in her head. 

and she is mostly in her head. she creates fantasies of her life, relationships platonic and romantic and as a result, nothing ever seems to measure up. she feels secure in her fantasies but oftentimes when it hits her that they are just that, fantasies, she ... feels really alone. 

will trip over her own feet . has like 5 bruises from washing the dishes </3

she works as a part of a product design team in a big company.. probably has the knowledge to move up the tier but does not have the courage to stand up for herself . she doesnt believe in herself and is kind of a pessimist .......  

got high one night and decided she wants to start an uber ....... only for women. but doesnt think its a good ide a (its a good idea. id like to think in 10 years time ... bitch made it) 

really weird. likes eating broad beans and frozen strawberries .. will literally eat a lemon. 

she will have different interests every week but never seems to be any good at anything ???????????? makes her sad. 

claims tidying up with marie kondo changed her life LAKJDSKLDJ

*draws curtains* anybody else tired? 

[somuchanemoia]

Words of Validation 2017

Happy Fic Writers Week 2017 everyone!! To start the week off, I wanted to share some of the comments I have appreciated over the years because I adore my readers and I want to thank them for their support this year. I love you all lovelies :)

Here are a few of the comments on my fics over the years that have just made me cry, laugh, and feel fluffy on the inside over the years. 

1. From Alya on Definitely A Prima

Oh yes, please do a continuation!! This was awesome I loved reading it, thank you for sharing it with us ^^ I look forward to reading more of your work!

When I posted Definitely A Prima, I was so freaking nervous but excited. I was just getting into the groove of writing smut fics and it was during a writing week. I was expecting a better response since my fic before they had a decent response (no comments, but lots of views, at least for me), but this story didn’t get the same response. I actually liked this fic, personally, more than the fic from Day 1 of NSFWYurioWeek, so I was a little disheartened. I thought about taking it down because I almost felt ashamed of it because it was kind of weird and not my MO. 

Normally, I don’t care about the response really all that much but I was in a funk that day.

But then this lovely person actually wrote a comment as I was about to take it down I read this comment. So thanks for making me feel a bit better. 

2. From fromaylwin on The Wedding of Viktuuri

“Victor's sappiness and adoration of Yuuri had me tearing up by the last paragraph in Chapter 1. Thank you for writing this scene with such tenderness and devotion. This was achieved because of your superb characterization and the dialogue.

“By Chapter 2, I was wiping a continuous flow of tears. My heart ached for Yuuri. I could totally relate to his behaviour and thoughts due to your masterfully depiction of the lead up to the anxiety attack. You handle the panic attack and after care sensitively.

“From Chapter 4 through to 6, I just smiled and gushed over Victor's sappiness and adoration of Yuuri, again. I know Victor is a multifaceted character; my favorite trait of his is his passion (#Extra) - just like canon he truely is in pursuit of "Life and Love". There were so many occasions during those 2 chapters where I verbally "awwww" out loud, take a deep breathe and would raise my hands to clutch my breast. I was overwhelmed by their happiness and love. I hope I will find love this tender. I hope you do too.

“Chapter 7, left me in a mess. I really get overwhelmed when Victor. That previous sentence is not a error. I really get overwhelmed when Victor. Because most of YOI was about Yuuri's challenges and his POV; I am desensitized to some degree to his angst. In regards to Victor, I can relate to how hard he worked, how much he sacrificed, how lonely he is, and how much love he has to give. In canon, Victor truely is the personification of love. Love for the artistry and profession of Ice Skating. Love for himself - he choose "self care" - Life and Love - above his much lauded career; that he already sacrificed so much of himself for. Love for Yuuri. Thus, in Chapter 7 was exceptionally well written because you managed to depict all of this about Victor.

“Thank you for your ingenuity, time, passion, humor, and efforts. It was a pleasure and a gift to read (and re-read later) your wonderful writing.”

HOLY SHIT! When this came through my feed I just about cried, because for once someone left me a book full of comments and notes. The entire comment was amazing, but the comments on Chapter 7 made me squeal in happiness.

There is no better comment than the fact that I made you feel something as a writer, in my book. 

Also, someone finally appreciated my angsty Viktor that I presented. Such angst!!

3. From Allyoop ( @isabelladeltigre  ) on The Bronze 

“DUDE THIS WAS BEAUTIFUL! I love the idea of Yuuri making the podium in Sochi and the couch syrup fiasco was hilarious and definitely something Yuuri would do lol. Viktor seems like such a sweetheart and I can't wait for them to interact some more. Also, your descriptions of Sochi painted such a beautiful picture. I want to go now lol. And same, Yuuri, same about the rice. It should be its own food group. Don't let any negative comments about one little aspect of your fic get you down. This was great and I can't wait for more :)”

First of all, @isabelladeltigre was one of my first friends on Tumblr and she’s always been really supportive of my works. She’s always made me smile, so I just want to thank her ;) 

On another note, the first comment I received on The Bronze was a negative comment that got me really down and kind of depressed, but her comment kind of smoothed things over. I was still upset about the negative comment, but when I saw her comment underneath it, I remembered why I wrote this...I wrote it for my followers and my friends and myself. So what if one person didn’t like it? I liked it and so did other people!

4. From Adrianna99 ( @iwritebetterthanispeak ) on The First Impression 

“This was amazing! Poor Yuuri, meeting so many new people at a time sucks, especially when you want to make a good impression :( And Stephan is the real mvp lol, it's good to know that the other skaters besides Viktor (obviously), Yurio, and Georgi are welcoming“

Girl! This is where my friendship started with one of my favorite people on tumblr. We’re good friends and since then things have snowballed. Even though it has only been almost two months, I consider @iwritebetterthanispeak to be one of my best tumblr friends and we've had so much fun.....okay, I’ve had fun. I probably annoy the shit out of her, but still....

Also, Stephan is still the real MPV. Like the really real MVP. He’s showing up in a short of my soon, so be on the lookout. 

5. From iridecesntloner on He Didn’t Fix Me, He Gave Me Strength

"my girlfriend left me because i was "always too sad" and it's taken me awhile to get over her and i still think about her a lot but this fic made me realise there's someone who can love me (like yuuri with victor) through all of the things i go through”

When I got this comment, I cried. I was really emotional over this comment because I’ve been through a similar situation and to know that while I couldn’t fix what had happened, I could give a bit of comfort to this person and I hope everything is going well. 

6. From Charm Xd on Just Stay

“I cried because it was so good at pulling those heart strings or maybe im just a sap for that kind of thing. I loved how wrote this piece it was nice seeing more of Takano's POV rather than Ritsus like in the manga. Now will you stay and continue writing this?“

The answer is yes. I’ll be staying because there is a part two! Woo! Be prepared for more domestic love between these two cinnamon rolls when you read it because it's so fluffy. Also, I got this review at like 3 in the morning where I live and I couldn’t sleep because I was planning out this whole damn part two. Love you loads, lovely!

[feverhalo]

A Quiet Day (FMA)

FMA Exhaustion!fic/Sick!fic

Sick/Exhausted!Ed, A+ Brother Al, and Parental Roy and Riza caring for the two of them awww

Basically some minimally edited (i read through it twice) indulgent shit because I had a sad and wanted to write something vaguely comforting.

1914 words long, and dreadful tense abuse im sure. No real warnings needed, but there is passing mention of their mom and kind of like that semi-depressed funk of exhaustion (or at least thats what it was supposed to be)

Ed laid with his head pillowed in his arms. He sniffled back the congestion causing his face to throb and felt it gather in the back of his throat. He kicked his good leg out from under the covers with a groan, and Alphonse found it hard to keep quiet.

 “Do you need medicine, brother?” Al’s shoulders slumped with a creak of the cold metal. Ed had been laying in bed like this for hours, not answering past head shakes or something so muffled Al couldn’t understand. “Can I at least take your temperature? We still have a thermometer somewhere…”

 Ed sniffed again and swallowed before shaking his head. He rolled to his side to look at Alphonse before rubbing at his watery, red-rimmed eyes and swiping his wrist under his nose. His head was so stuffed and felt so thick, and he tried to just wrap up in a blanket and sleep it off, but the stubborn lack of a fever made it feel silly. He stretched his arms over his head and felt his back pop and his heavy muscles pull. It almost felt good to sit up and stretch a little, but that energy would fade soon.

 “Are you going to finish getting dressed?” Al looked over to where Ed had dropped his night clothes, and managed to get his pants and one sock on before flopping back into bed. He hadn’t moved much until now, but somehow his loosely-tied hair was even more of a knotted mess.

 “I guess,” Ed’s one eye crinkled as he swallowed after speaking, arm brushing up under his chin before being used to push himself up.

 “Why don’t you just get back in pajamas? Pajamas are more comfortable, even Teacher let us have pajama days.” Just like mom, Ed straightened, more defiant at the unspoken comparison.

 “She’s not here.” He cleared his throat, grabbing the previously abandoned shirt and pulling it on. He eyed his red coat, and threw it over his shoulder before walking out.

 Alphonse sighed and got up to follow. Ed swiped at his nose again, sniffling before coughing into his elbow. The congestion was awful and, though it was only a few coughs the combination was enough to loose a few stray tears. Ed grumbled and wiped them away too before turning and stomping quickly down the stairs. Alphonse locked their door and followed, lighter on his feet and caught the door as it was swinging shut behind his brother.

 The brisk walk through the late-afternoon sun was quiet. Ed clearing his throat now and again, and Alphonse following behind. Anyone else walking on the street gave a wide berth or crossed to the other side. Ed would have likely bowled through them if they hadn’t, focused on moving forward. The steady thud and clang of his mismatched footsteps, the glint off his exposed automail arm, and the set glare on his face; with or without the tell-tale Fullmetal-Red cloak bunched up and slung over his shoulder it was surprisingly intimidating.

 For as listless as he had been all day, once he got to the military HQ, Ed seemed to have more of his energy back. Running on pure spite again, brother?  

 Mustang’s office doors were left slightly ajar to allow better airflow through the summer, and Ed just planted his foot and kicked it open as usual. He cleared his throat once more, and Alphonse noted the brief tensing across his older brother’s shoulders immediately afterwards.

 “Well. You’re here late,” Havoc blinked up at Ed from where he had been working.

 “Well, I’m here.” Ed threw his cloak onto one of the couches. He crossed his arms, forgetting for a second about how warm the automail would be after being outside in the summer sun in just a short-sleeved shirt, but he ignored the bite of the heat at the inside of his arm.

 “Alright,” Havoc held his hands up in surrender. “Hawkeye is out for a minute, but you’ve got some stuff on her desk there. Its all clipped together with your name on it.”

 Ed walked over and picked through some of the piles on her desk, and upon finding his name took that pile and dropped himself into a sitting position on the couch by the door. He tried to clear his throat again but it turned into a single, harsh, cough. Havoc kept to his work, and Alphonse eased himself down beside his brother.

 “Its empty in here today,” Al noted. Havoc chuckled and nodded.

 “It’s a bit of a ghost town, Falman is on vacation, Furey went with Hawkeye, the Boss is squirreled away in his office as usual- and I think Breda is still on the tail end of his vacation from last week actually. Its kind of that time of year where you take it or lose the chance until mid winter.”

 Ed zoned out, reading his paperwork or using his leg as a table to fill in the bits where he was required. As much as he’d prefer being out and researching with Al, and as much as he was teased or suspected of not being able to handle the military work because of his age, Ed could get it done well, and quickly.

 Usually, anyway. The package today seemed endless. He heard Riza and Fury return, and waved when he realized he was being spoken to. A heaviness was settling in across his shoulders and down his arm and into every inch of him again. He hadn’t felt particularly unwell, or dizzy, but this feeling came and went all day. He had nearly hit the floor getting out of bed late this morning because of it.

 Ed scratched at his head, undid and redid his mess of a ponytail, and reread the same page for a third time. He started to read it for a fourth, see if anything would sink in, but just sighed quietly and let himself slump into the high arm of the couch. The heaviness got too much and sapped everything when it hit, so he let it. He shut his eyes and let himself relax for a few moments.

 “How has today been Alphonse? Busy?” Riza looked up from her work now and again during their conversation, and seeing Ed break for a nap, she thought it would be a good time to ask.

 “Um,” Alphonse thought for a moment, “No more so than usual, I guess.”

 “You boys aren’t doing anything special for the summer?”

 “We thought of visiting Teacher, or maybe going to see Winry for a few days, but it just hasn’t felt like the right time I guess.”

 Nobody flinched anymore when Ed fell asleep, he was still young and working demanding hours, and on top of that had automail and other burdens too big for anyone to worry about. It wasn’t uncommon and work life continued around it. He’d usually have a quick ten minutes and wake up and get right back to what he had been doing, or on more trying days or days with heavy rain, he’d excuse himself for a few hours to sleep off the worst of his tension and exhaustion.

 Sleeping for a few hours sitting up, then staring at his leg in the twilight darkness of half-past nine at night was less common. Riza stayed behind with Roy when it was clear Ed was needing more than his usual bit of a rest, and it was just the four of them now in the dim office. One of the desk lamps was left on, and Alphonse was sitting on the other side of the room now with Roy and Riza.

 As Ed became more aware, he realized his coat had been draped over him and his paperwork moved to the desk a few feet away. He shifted a little, still feeling very heavy on top of sore from the slumped position.

 “You awake now, Fullmetal?” Ed cleared his throat and hummed in response to Roy’s question. “You don’t look awake.”

 Ed straightened and lifted his arms in a stretch from underneath his makeshift blanket. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes, before returning his head to the arm of the couch and staring across the room to the other three.

 “Can I finish that tomorrow? I feel really tired,” he pointed to his abandoned papers. Roy laughed through his nose.

 “I’d say so, you’ve been sleeping since four. If you’re that tired you don’t have to come in, Ed. We won’t be unreasonable.” Ed had shut his eyes again and just nodded. Everyone lapsed back into the quiet murmur of getting things put away for the day they had been in before Ed woke up.

 “I don’t feel well,” his cracking voice broke the silence a few minutes later. When he opened his eyes again everyone had moved and were getting ready to leave. “Can I just sleep here for the night, I don’t think I can make it back to our dorm. Sorry, Al.”

 “Don’t worry about it, we’ll drive you back.” Hawkeye sounded much closer now, and Ed felt her hand press to his forehead. There was no heat, but his face was so pale the lack of a temperature offered little comfort. “You just get home and sleep.”

 Ed dragged his eyes open for a second then nodded. He scrunched up his face against a stinging in his eyes before giving a quick cough and pushing himself up to sitting. Alphonse stood nearby, and Ed leaned against him every now and then on the short walk to the car.

 By the time Mustang had pulled up to their building, Ed had fallen asleep again. His breathing was leaving little puffs of mist on the side of Alphonse’s armor. Alphonse eased his way out of the car, going slowly and in short bursts trying to keep down the clattering noise he made.

 Mustang and Riza had exited the car as well, and Ed remained peacefully asleep. Alphonse had leaned down to wake up Ed, but Roy carefully moved his hand through Al’s line of sight to tap his shoulder.

 “I’ll take him up, if you and Hawkeye could hold the doors and show me where to go.” He rolled his shoulders before sitting in the car and leaning across the seat to ease Ed onto his back. “He’s a pain in the ass, but you two are a worthwhile pair of, well, just you, I guess. That was a lot less eloquent than I was trying for.”

 “Thank you, sir,” Alphonse stepped back and tucked into himself. Roy could imagine him as a boy like Ed, blushing in gratitude and slightly indignant at an adult interfering. Riza cleared her throat and pulled open the first door. The hour was getting late, and Ed was still just dozing in his t-shirt in the night air. It would be no good if he got a chill and a fever started.

 “Don’t worry about it. Just make sure you call us if you need anything, and try and keep him from making himself too sick.”

 Roy was quick to put Ed down, and to usher himself and Riza out. No need to over stay a welcome, and no need to work Ed up into a fit, he supposed. Alphonse was thankful for it, because it meant there was nothing he was going to be made to do out of obligation. He wanted to be ready if Ed needed him, and if he didn’t, he had a nice little stack of fiction novels to pass the night with.

 Ed slept.

[moss-sauce]

been tagged by @drdone to do these 92 thingos

LAST:

1. Drink: coca cola

2. Phone call: i had to call my mom because i was Lost in a hobby lobby

3. Text message: text to srah that’s just “rats...we’re the rats...rats...” to bother her

4. Song you listen to: one of the grineer soundtracks looped while i was trying to do chemistry

5. Time you cried: mmlmao last tuesday in the fuckign middle of lab

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: no, i guess almost? but then i put my foot down kind of and said nah

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i only kiss my dog on her head and i never regret it

8. Been cheated on: my cat is fake as hell!! like to snuggle until she had a prime chance to bite your arm and then leave

9. Lost someone special: i mean yeah

10. Been depressed: ?? i don’t know? like i’ll have little funks but they’re nowhere near how bad they were

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: im a babby that hasn’t gotten drunk so no

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. blue

13. orange

14. seafoam green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: EYAH

16. Fallen out of love: don’t think so?

17. Laughed until you cried: a few days ago i was talking with srah and drew a very very poorly created baby and was in a pizza place when i sent it so i had to be quiet but i knew she would get mad at it so i was havin a good chuckle

18. Found out someone was talking about you: as in badly? i have no idea but i’m sure it’s happened

20. Found out who your friends are: yaes

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: n o

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: like a lot of them. maybe only like....a dozen are from online

23. Do you have any pets: we really gonna go there again

24. Do you want to change your name:sometimes i think about it. like “max” is a cool name to me

25. What did you do for your last birthday: i don’t think i did anything because i didn’t feel good

26. What time do you wake up: it depends.. days i have class usually like 8:30 to 8:45 but if i don’t there’s no rhyme or reason so it’s a wild card

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: tryin to stay warm and playin warframe

28. Name something you can’t wait for: i don’t know, gettin a horse?? there’s semi drag races next may so i guess im lookin forward to that a bit too

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 10 minutes ago

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my house i don’t really care about where it is but the size....bad

31. What are you listening to right now: diesel bros is on tv and i got some cr1tikal videos playing

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: YES last semester my microbiology teacher was named tom

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my brother

34. Most visited website: tungle, the website for my chemistry book, and moodle

35. Mole/s: i have no idea where it’s not a freckle and its considered a mole

36. Mark/s:i got hella freckles and a noticeable scar on my middle finger where i stuck it in a pencil sharpener when i was a kid plus there’s scars all over my arms/knees for various reasons

37. Childhood dream: i went from wanting to be a vet, to being an astronomer, to being a field medic [?], back to being a vet. if we’re talking not careers then it’s still getting a horse

38. Hair color: brown

39. Long or short hair: long and the only thing i’ve EVER done with it is slapping it in a ponytail but i think about how free i would be if i just cut it short

40. Do you have a crush on someone: nah

41. What do you like about yourself: uhhhhhh i notice that i’m patient with stuff

42. Piercings: none

43. Blood type: i’ve no idea dude but i want to know

44. Nicknames: hannah banana/montana, hanners, truck fucker

45. Relationship status: sangle

46. Zodiac: taurus

47. Pronouns: she and her n all that

48. Favorite TV Show: WANDER OVER YONDER i found out all of the first season is onDemand and bout cried

50. Right or left hand: right

51. Surgery: i got my wisdom teeth taken out and it was the most surreal week i lived through

52. Hair dyed in different color:not at all really

53. Sport: is truck/tractor pulling a sport 

55. Vacation: i don’t really know?? i never really thought of places i’d vacay at

56. Pair of trainers: i don’t know what this means so uhh

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: im waiting for some pizza rolls to finish

58. Drinking: coke

59. I’m about to: eat pizza rolls

62. Want: i can’t articulate these things,, i guess want to have at least better finances so our fam would be all okay

63. Get married: idc

64. Career: pathologist!! i guess i’m technically halfway [?] through my program

65. Hugs or kisses: hugs bc they are good

66. Lips or eyes: would prefer if they had both

67. Shorter or taller: taller because i doubt there’s anyone that wouldn’t make me look like an actual baby

68. Older or younger: older?? around the same age i guess

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms for giving STRONG hugs and carrying MANY dogs

71. Sensitive or loud: depends on context? like everyday then really sort of sensitive but it’s not bad. if i’m expecting it to be like....continually loud then i’m fine with it too

72. Hook up or relationship: whatever has more hangouts with our dogs

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: ohh hesitant very much so. im a wuss

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: no

75. Drank hard liquor:  no

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i remember losing my purple glasses when i was like 7

77. Turned someone down: ? i guess i don’t know

78. Sex on the first date: no and that is a dealbreaker

79. Broken someone’s heart: not purposefully??

80. Had your heart broken: as in like sad then yes

81. Been arrested: no but i’ve been in a cop car more than once

82. Cried when someone died: i get upset when i see bad accidents on the road so yeah big time

83. Fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84: Yourself: uh

85. Miracles: eyeah

86. Love at first sight: not really??

87. Santa Claus: i know he’s out there.

88. Kiss on the first date: nah

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: @equusoils that binch

91. Eye color: like blue grey

92. Favorite movie: THE IRON GIANT i would watch it every hour for the rest of my life its so good and i love it

tagging uhhh @zangapf @big-stupid-jellyfish @shrubbot @darvobek @biamblonyx and im like half coherent rn so i probably forgot someone but if u wanna do it say i tagged u

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance. 

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can. 

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together. 

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation 

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year. 

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P 

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet. 

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway

[matthew-eleventhirty]

i couldnt fall asleep last night, it took everything for me to finally get comfortable. all i was thinking about was being able to talk to you. how youd ask for me back if youd drive to my house after your final to tell me to come outside. if youd call me to come get dinner. if youd bring flowers. but then it hit me. thats only if youd want to try again. i got really sad last night, had a panic attack and cried to jill again. i need to keep these feelings at bay and just get through the next few days. if i could do that, maybe things will be okay. i keep analyzing every angle of our conversations over and over again, maybe something would give me a clue as to why you havent called or even if youll call. i cant help but do it and its so tiring. i think im falling into a depression again, but this time the only thing keeping me from it is you. what happens when you say never again? do i let myself feel sad during break and try and be happy again. you seem to be doing okay. i dont know for sure, i only see your posts occasionally and they hit like a fucking rock. i keep thinking about if ill ever show you these posts. i would only show you if you said yes to trying again or if you feel as though i moved on/dont love you anymore. i told that guy i dont wanna go on a date. im flattered, but its not the pork chop i want asking me out on a date. it felt good at the time like ooo someones interested in me, but once that went away i felt worse. im not ready to date, im not ready to give up on us, im not ready for any of this and i told you a billion times how upset i would be if we broke up. i didnt truly believe myself when i told you that, i knew i would be upset but i kinda just thought it would be a little worse than the other break ups. not a week of being moppy and then getting over it, but maybe two? well its been three and i cant stop thinking about you in every sense. i keep thinking about the things i wanna tell you or the things ive done or heard. i hope you havent slept with another girl. i hope you havent moved on. i dont hope youre as upset about this as i am because this fucking sucks, but i do hope youre still thinking about me and us. i try living in this fantasy just to get to where i have to be and maybe thats unhealthy and driving me insane, but its worked for the last few weeks. i keep thinking of how strange its gonna be walking back into your house but how amazing itll be to be back home. i wonder how youre mom will react, is she gonna give me a hug or make a face at you like whhhat or is she gonna be so shocked like im not sure. like 70% of me thinks shes gonna give me a big hug and kiss but the 30% of me thinks you actually told her that i make you miserable and youre unhappy and she thought it was actually best to leave me. im just so in the dark with this that im being pulled in both directions. i want to think never billy never us were better than that, but what if i was just not able to see the real state of our relationship or maybe i didnt really see what was going on with you. i have to study but writing these posts is cathartic. it helps get through the day even when they sound repetitive. i just want to say how sorry i am for not seeing how stressed out you truly were or making a lot of our relationship about me and my problems instead of helping you more with yours. im sorry you felt that i wasnt strong enough to help you through your problems or that you could trust me enough or feel not ashamed enough to tell me tough times are hitting. i would never judge you or see you differently than i have. i fell more in love with you when you started opening up, i felt myself put up a wall and i never told you, but when you said you had problems with depression i reacted the same way i did with jill carol and gab. i put up this wall and looked at you as a doctor or a mom instead of a girlfriend. i apologized if you felt that off of me. its my first reaction to make sure you are okay and you are doing what you have to do and to break down the situation before tellign you how much i love you and being the person you could relax around. i was scared you were gonna do somethign stupid or fall into a funk that i couldnt get you out of. i wanted to just give you a hug and take it all away. but im sorry if i didnt do that, im sorry if you felt you couldnt come to me after all of that, im sorry if i didnt react the way you needed me to react. i hope you figured a little more out about everything in this time, i hope youre doing well and youve refocused, i hope youre working to get to the billy i know so well. i still have a lot to learn about you, i hope youd let me.

[viralhottopics]

Chrissy Teigen Finally Opens Up About Her Emotional Battle With PPD And Anxiety

Chrissy Teigen is known for being brutally honest about her life, even though she’s one of the most famous celebrities out there.

She is a New York Times best-selling cookbook author, a model, and the host ofLip Sync Battle. She’s also well-known in today’s world of celebrities as being relatable and “real.”

Chrissy is married to singer John Legend. Last year, the couple welcomed daughter Luna into their family.

Since then, Chrissy has been even more open, sharing honest stories about her struggle with fertility, the backlash she’s gotten as a momin the spotlight, her stretch marks and body insecurities, and how she really feels about being a working mom.

Now she’s tackling another tough subject: postpartum depression.

Moms everywhere can relate to Chrissy. Like most of us, she loves pizza, sometimes forgets to shower for days on end, hangs around in food-themed onesies with her husband, and adores her daughter more than anything in the world.

ForGlamour‘s April 2017 issue, Chrissy wrote a candid essay about one of the things she’s struggled with most sincethe birth of Luna: postpartum depression and anxiety.

[H/T:BuzzFeed]

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Instagram / @chrissyteigen

After giving birth, Chrissy noticed that she was kind of in a funk.

She attributed her mood change to the stress of living in a hotel and having a new baby, but it was actually something more.

When Chrissy was finally diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety in December 2016, she was able to get back on the path to mental and emotional wellness.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

In herGlamouressay, Chrissy wrote:

A year ago, in April, John and I started our family together.

We had our daughter, Luna, who is perfect. She is somehow exactly me, exactly John, and exactly herself. I adore her.

I had everything I needed to be happy. And yet, for much of the last year, I felt unhappy.

What basically everyone around me butme knew up until December was this: I have postpartum depression.

How can I feel this way when everything is so great?

After I had Luna, our home was under construction, so we lived in a rental home, then a hotel, and I blamed whatever stress or detachment or sadness I was feeling at that time on the fact that there were so many odd circumstances.

I remember thinking: Maybe Ill feel better when we have a home.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

But I was different than before.

Getting out of bed to get to set on time was painful. My lower back throbbed; my shoulders even my wrists hurt.

I didnt have an appetite. I would go two days without a bite of food, and you know how big of a deal food is for me.

One thing that really got me was just how short I was with people.

I couldnt figure out why I was so unhappy.

I blamed it on being tired and possibly growing out of the role: Maybe Im just not a goofy person anymore. Maybe Im just supposed to be a mom.

Instagram / @johnlegend

When I wasnt in the studio, I never left the house. I mean, never. Not even a tiptoe outside.

Id ask people who came inside why they were wet. Was it raining? How would I know I had every shade closed.

Most days were spent on the exact same spot on the couch and rarely would I muster up the energy to make it upstairs for bed.John would sleep on the couch with me, sometimes four nights in a row.

I started keeping robes and comfy clothes in the pantry so I wouldnt have to go upstairs when John went to work.

There was a lot of spontaneous crying.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

Before, when I entered a room I had a presence: head high, shoulders back, big smile.

Suddenly I had become this person whose shoulders would cower underneath her chin. I would keep my hands on my belly and try to make myself as small as possible.

By December I had started my second cookbook.

With the first, I was in the kitchen the whole time. I stirred every pot, tasted everything. Had genuine excitement for Every. Single. Recipe.

This one came at the height of my losing my appetite, and the idea of having to test and taste recipes actually made me vomit. I was still on the couch a lot.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

Before the holidays I went to my GP for a physical. John sat next to me.

I looked at my doctor, and my eyes welled up because I was so tired of being in pain.

Of sleeping on the couch.

Of waking up throughout the night.

Of throwing up.

Of taking things out on the wrong people.

Of not enjoying life.

Of not seeing my friends.

Of not having the energy to take my baby for a stroll.

My doctor pulled out a book and started listing symptoms. And I was like, Yep, yep, yep.

I got my diagnosis: postpartum depression and anxiety. (The anxiety explains some of my physical symptoms.)

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

Before this, I had never, ever in my whole entire life had one person say to me: I have postpartum depression.

Growing up in the ’90s, I associated postpartum depression with Susan Smith, with people who didnt like their babies or felt like they had to harm their children.

I didnt have anything remotely close to those feelings.

I looked at Luna every day, amazed by her.

So I didnt think I had it.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

I also just didnt think it could happen tome.

I have a great life.

I have all the help I could need: John, my mother (who lives with us), a nanny.

But postpartum does not discriminate. I couldnt control it.

And thats part of the reason it took me so long to speak up: I felt selfish, icky, and weird saying aloud that Im struggling.

Sometimes I still do.

Instagram / @johnlegend

Im speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody and I dont want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone.

I also dont want to pretend like I know everything about postpartum depression, because it can be different for everybody.

But one thing I do know is that for me, just merely being open about it helps.

This has become my open letter.

Instagram / @chrissyteigen

Chrissy is truly a brave soul, and her inspiring words will help other women with postpartum illnesses everywhere feel less alone.

To read her full essay, go toGlamour.com.

If you think everyone should know more about postpartum depression, anxiety, and other illnesses,

Read more: http://bit.ly/2mjUclS

from Chrissy Teigen Finally Opens Up About Her Emotional Battle With PPD And Anxiety