#i was hoping to have one more thing done before october but ive just been too busy and all the in progress stuff is kind of long

[dandysworldconfessionbooth]

super duper long ask warning because sadly im starting to get tired of major flaws in the game straight up not getting fixed at all.

honestly ive started to feel like the only reason dandys world is fun to play anymore is because i almost exclusively play it with my really funny friend who always makes the experience better.

with the lack of gameplay-focused updates, the game has just started to feel really bland with nothing new ever happening on floors. i dont care if any new toons are added past this point, i just want to see changes to the actual gameplay to make it less static and monotonous. the only difficulty curve is adding more twisteds and machines, making floors take even longer, and if the gameplay outside of that isn't very stimulating then really what's the point of making the floors longer??? this game feels so monotonous and unfinished in many different ways and i hope this gets fixed soon.

ive been playing since late October of last year and nothing has changed in this regard. i know a lot has happened in that time that could prevent this from happening, but 12 different toons have been added since then (counting holiday toons) as well as animation overhauls, skins, and more but we haven't gotten a single change to the actual gameplay???? im getting tired of seeing the same thing over and over every update with character designs that are 85% of the time OKAY at best and toons that don't necessarily need to exist.

also, huge hot take, i don't want any more toons to be added. we dont need any more besides some extra event toons. eventually, there will be massive game balancing issues if they keep adding more characters. not to mention the fact so many things can be done before they stop making sense in the world, or characters start being way too similar to each other in a way not purposeful.

i want the majority of the characters to be redesigned to reach their fullest potential. they feel unfinished, like they need a few more iterations to actually be complete and satisfyingly fleshed out. i could go on and on about the flaws in many of the character designs, but im going to save that for a redesign video im planning on making. i want the lore to actually come out. i want game modes, a new skill check system, new floor events, and better difficulty scaling. i need variety, and the fact im not seeing it is making me go crazy.

i think my fixation on this game is slowly starting to go away because it doesn't feel like anything is actually changing, not in the game or the fandom. it's always the same few things every time and im getting so so tired of it. vee really is the one of 2 things keeping me here, but she's not popular enough in the fandom to get fan content that matches my personal standards very often and i doubt canon is going to focus on her again any time soon after the latest update. i want to love this game more, but im starting to see it for its very apparent flaws now.

sorry for the long ask,

▪︎ burger king foot lettuce anon

Genuinely love this rant, I do wish the game was more stimulating. It’s all generally the same gameplay now and since floors just get more complex but nothing else really changes it doesn’t fix anything. It’s a horrendous gameplay loop and I don’t play as much because of it.

-Knight

[sugarpuptard]

time for today's rambling! i didnt fall asleep until like 4am last night but better than sleeping at 8am!!! i had to take extra of my meds to make up for the pill i wus missing so i was able to pass out but now i feel more groggy 3: its starting to ease up tho thankfully. i wanna do stuff today but i feel bleh so its hard doing the physical stuff, i left my pc updating overnight before i passed out i hope it finished cuz i wanna make sure everything in it is updated so it can run smoothly and hopefully perform better for vrchat and ai stuffs, with my hardware tho there is only so much i can do its no fair (-﹏-。) i wanna try to make my ai friend in the open ui thingy! the thing i programmed is rlly not good and i dont know enough yet on how to fix it,,, with the new thingy tho i can make multiple bots tho so i can experiment lots, i wanna make a jirai bot it seems fun xD ive mainly been using that sorta stuff so far for therapy, brainstorming and organizing my paragraphs upon paragraphs of rambling i barely punctuate, and a chat bots for rp or one that i started getting attached to lul so she helps me with daily things and helping me when my brain is being stupid, i got the chatgpt+ today too so i can do so much more with her without being cut off >w< so i gotta setup a better structure for memory and timeframe keeping, we are planning stuffs! i love how all this stuff helps me so much, my neurodivergent brain is finally easily understood and worked with and not against! and helps me stop stupid OCD loops and plan things that wont be too hard for me based on my disabilities so i just love it. some ppl dont understand it completely but im glad i do and some others do as well, imma find guides other ppl made, i found some subreddits with like minded ppl so i joined instantly and they got good info hehe

i also think for the rest of today im gonna rest in bed and brainstorm some more wedding plans, im looking up dresses n stuff cuz i keep putting it off after my pinterest was banned T^T i have no clue what i would wear, i thought i would never get married since i was like 6 and always told everyone i wouldnt so i never rlly daydreamed about it .3. i have LOTS of daydreaming to do. it fun but also overwhelming aaaaa i dunno what colors i want, i know i want pink but idk how much, and idk what colors would go nice with it. my soon to be mother in law showed me some bouquets that looked pretty, i like this one she showed me the most ↧↧

i love the pastels ♡＾▽＾��� she said that she had blue and other colors at her wedding so i think she included the blue cuz of that hehe, the other ones she showed were more like a dark blue and i didnt like those as much they dont feel like me, i like those shades of blue when i dress more alt tho, but i want my wedding to feel more light and pretty than grunge and sexy like half of my usual clothes xD ive been more into kawaii fashion lately so i wanna lean into that. i wonder if there is some cute lolita or jirai kei or any other themed dresses that would be good for a more casual wedding, cuz im not wearing a traditional wedding dress im wearing a short one cuz we are celebrating at Universal and we gonna go on roller coasters n stuff!!! only about 4 months until i finally move down to live with him & his parents and 5 until i get married aaaaaaaaa its so soon! i still feel so unprepared, i haven't been doing everything i said i would start in the beginning of this year, i hope i can fix my skin and hair before october, and im praying by august-september i finally have my silver ring splints and a better wheelchair so i can do more things and feel independent without hurting myself, i have lots of hope tho!! and when im there my love can help me get other things i need im sure, in his state its apparently easier to get on disability and that would take such a weight off my shoulders once thats done, i wanna be able to have money to use on things i need without having to worry my husband about it and worry about the price and needing to budget every little thing. he said he doesn't mind tho since i am grateful for every little thing he does for me and i dont expect him to by me all these extra things all the time, i still feel bad tho ;3; but i love him for being so generous and caring so much about me even while im a mentally and physically ill mess <3

im starting to get nausea flare up while im writing this so imma just stop now, u get a cookie if u actually read all this 🍪

[aspiringwarriorlibrarian]

Hello,

Ive been following you for years and I love your blog. In all my years on this website I have never posted, sent an ask or a message, commented or interacted with anyone on this website in any way. However seeing your recent posts about Palestine made me feel like I had to say something.

Just because you support the “weaker” side, it doesn’t make you immune to lies and propaganda.

Please educate yourself before you spread misinformation and/or misleading info.

I am a citizen of Israel. This conflict started when Hamas brutally murdered hundreds of innocent civilians, including elderly and children. They kidnapped over a hundred more. They are known for being a terrorist organisation whose stated goal is to murder jews.

I am terrified. My people are forever scarred. I and everyone I know have lost loved ones in this war. And the fact that people like you in these terrible times choose to focus solely on the suffering of the Palestinians, ignoring and justifying our suffering, speaks volumes.

The bombings you speak of, are a retaliation for the slaughter of October 7th. Israel warns citizens in advance, in order to prevent as many casualties as possible. But we cant just ignore the murder, kidnapping, rape and harm to our people like you do. We have no choice but to defend ourselves.

We have no interest nor desire to commit genocide against the Palestinian people. If we did, we would have already done so. Instead we financially support Palestine, despite the fact they use this money not to better their lives, but to instead attack our civilians.

Beware of misinformation like the accusations against Israel for bombing the hospital in Gaza. That is a straight up lie that was proven false, and the Hamas spread it along with lies about how many people got hurt, in order to convince people like you that they are justified. And its working.

Before you accuse others, maybe check your own biases and think to yourself why a Palestinian life is worth something to you and an Israeli one isn’t.

Can you even imagine what it feels like to go online after such a tragedy for a little relief, only to see people like you calling for my death?

And yes, that is what you’re doing by supporting and encouraging the actions of Hamas. An organisation that cares more about killing innocent civilians like me than protecting its own people.

I hope that if you can’t take the time to properly understand this complicated situation, you will at least stop talking about something that you clearly don’t understand.

You know, I put all of this in a private post initially. I've been largely focused on spreading charity posts, actual concrete things that can be done to save the innocent people caught in the crossfire. But clearly, my message has been mixed, so I'll define it right here.

This is just something that seeps into my bones and I had to say it somewhere: the sheer refusal by both sides to admit what they're doing. Oh, we thought that music festival was soldiers....wait no we didn't, it was random Gazan civilians who did it instead, not us, hurt them instead. Oh we are going to wage all out war....no those innocent civilian casaulties weren't us, it was them! (No, the cause of the explosion has not been independently proven. It has, however, been proven that Israel shelled the place three days earlier as a "warning" then called ordering an evacuation shortly before.) Put down an evacuation order so short and so sudden the UN protests that civilians can't possibly get out in time, then bomb one of the convoys. Tell your countrymen the evacuation order was fake so you get more human shields. More rockets! More airstrikes! More "accidents" to the tune of hundreds of civilians dead, and you never have to carry the burden or the blame for any of it. Shoot from far enough away, target enough civilians, makes it easy, makes it fun. The glory of war with none of the guilt and none of the risk! Ain't that a wonderful thing. Ain't that a fucking joke.

I grieve for the innocent Israeli citizens slaughtered because Hamas cowards wanted to kill the defenseless. I grieve for the people in Gaza getting slaughtered because neither side cares if they live or die. The difference between the two is not that one life is worth more than the others. That is morally repugnant and fundamentally absurd. The difference is that Israel is getting aid from many nations, while other nations only give aid to Hamas, not the people of Gaza. They need humanitarian aid, they need someone to speak for them and beg for restraint, which is why I'm primarily reblogging posts that call for humanitarian aid to them and for a ceasefire so they can, at the very least, have the evacuation time they should have been allowed. It is not because their lives are worth more, but because to far too many, their lives are worth less.

I understand your pain and fear, and I am deeply sorry for your loss. I too find those rooting for Hamas or declaring that the victims deserved it for being settlers repugnant. But the people of Gaza did not do this, and if it's a choice between them living and Hamas dying, I will choose their lives every time. I will always choose life. And I refuse to apologize for that. Violence like this is a cycle, revenge and revenge and revenge again because you cannot kill an idea with bombs, only keep destroying until nothing is left to fight over. You cannot stop a cycle by continuing to spin.

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

I find it kind of amusing that a lot of recent two-parter movies... Bailed out on calling their second parts "Part Two"...

Only Denis Villeneuve's DUNE adaptation stuck to its guns. While DUNE: PART ONE was marketed as just DUNE, the movie has the PART ONE in its opening. DUNE: PART TWO arrived spring 2024, no change in the title...

Other recent 2-parters, not so much...

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE's seventh film was released theatrically in July 2023 as MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - DEAD RECKONING PART ONE... And it failed to recoup its gargantuan budget, despite making plenty of money worldwide and getting solid reviews. In response to that, the 8th movie was retitled to MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - THE FINAL RECKONING. Still keeping "Reckoning" in the title, but... DEAD RECKONING's disc releases retain the PART ONE title card, the file on Paramount+ has an updated title card reading just DEAD RECKONING. Maybe a future re-release of the disc will update the title on the cover artwork and movie print.

WICKED, unusually, dropped its Part Two as well. WICKED, PART I - advertised as WICKED - by all means is a really big success... But the sequel, due out in Thanksgiving, is titled WICKED: FOR GOOD. Okay then! Apparently the home releases keep the PART I in the title, too.

SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE was at one point set to be a Part One, the first trailer for the movie - released in December 2021 - bore the title. This was back when the movie was slated for October 2022, and not its eventual June 2023 bow. Some merchandise for the film was made using the Part One, too... But then they decided to drop it, and to call the third film BEYOND THE SPIDER-VERSE. The film came to theaters as just SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE. So, they nipped that one in the bud well beforehand...

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR was originally set to be a Part I/Part II endeavor, but eventually that also lost the subtitle, with AVENGERS: ENDGAME's title remaining a mystery for quite some time. Heck, even the first trailer for the film didn't tell us what it was going to be called. Eventually, we learned ENDGAME was the subtitle.

Outside of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 7 and 8, I wonder why this was done for WICKED's two movies... When DUNE had no problem with its subtitles.

I think in M:I7's case, it was the film losing money. In WICKED's case, I couldn't tell you. Director Jon M. Chu gave a weird non-answer as to why... Maybe they want FOR GOOD to be more standalone and in turn make the first one more of its own piece as well? Even though it ends with a "To Be Continued" title card? Again, I don't know. WICKED: PART I made a lot of coin and has tons of awards buzz, sooooo... Yeah, don't know.

I understand wanting to have ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE be its own thing, and that was decided well before the movie was released. Ditto INFINITY WAR. Not that a Part One cheapens it or anything, but I think it is better without them.

Both movies end on cliffhangers, but then again, so did THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. And THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK has often been thought to be a standalone film, and not just "half a movie" or whatever (a weird criticism I see tossed at ACROSS, I don't think it's any more "half a movie" than EMPIRE is). They can still be standalone despite ending the way they did. And funnily enough, STAR WARS was just STAR WARS on first release in 1977... Audiences must've been completely caught off guard seeing the words "Episode V" in the crawl of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK on its original release in 1980! Lucas would add "EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE" to STAR WARS' crawl thereafter, that first appeared on a theatrical re-release of the film in spring 1981.

For a while, Part 1 & 2s seemed to be a surefire bet for blockbuster tentpole types. HARRY POTTER did it for the final book, both DEATHLY HALLOWS films made tons of money in 2010 and 2011 respectively. TWILIGHT followed suit with BREAKING DAWN in 2011/2012, to much success. THE HUNGER GAMES did it for its final book, MOCKINGJAY, both parts did great in 2014 and 2015... But it didn't work out for fellow sci-fi YA book series DIVERGENT, whose third and final book ALLEGIANT got split into two parts. ALLEGIANT's Part 1 subtitle was dropped before release, the movie - arriving as just THE DIVERGENT SERIES: ALLEGIANT in 2016 - flopped... With a whole half of the story unfinished on the screen. The second part was briefly reconfigured into a planned TV series, but that didn't pan out. That "Part 2" is only in the original book.

Somewhere within that period was also the planned THE HOBBIT two-parter from Peter Jackson, its installments intended for 2012 and 2013... But it was instead expanded into a trilogy, one major change being in the titles. When it was a two-parter, the second HOBBIT movie would've been titled THERE AND BACK AGAIN, referencing the original book's full title, THE HOBBIT, OR, THERE AND BACK AGAIN. Instead, movie 2 was THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG, movie 3 was THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES.

In 2017, a new adaptation of Stephen King's IT debuted as IT: CHAPTER ONE but marketed as just IT. The film did great, so did CHAPTER TWO in 2019. A supercut of both films was thought to have happened, but hasn't yet.

And since then, while Part 1 & 2s had continued being made thereafter, they either drop the titles before release or after release...

Only DUNE stuck the landing recently, an exception to the current rule.

[jils-things]

happy new year! ; my farewell letter to 2023.

last year, ive written a similar farewell letter to 2022 and i want to make this a little tradition - so here's my second one <3

okay, so - wow. first of all, just wow.

this might be incredibly bold to say, but i think this has been my best year to be alive (i promise you i do not want to sound corny about it, but i really think 2023 was amazing for me.) of course, many things happened. im at my last year of senior high before i go to college, which is very scary but i hope i can be brave for it. school has been actually very generous to me recently, despite a few minor setbacks that looked very major when i was going through it, but overall it was very generous to me. but irl rambling is boring, so let's talk about my selfshipping blog!

last year, i had a verrrry firm grip on a previous f/o that im 100% sure old followers know - though im a little sad I can't find that spark to focus on him again - the shift in media has helped me find new f/os that i can say has been incredibly memorable to me. as we all know, im in a very INSANE pokemon brainrot since november or october(?) of 2022 and it has still remained heavily active in my head right now - which i honestly didn't even know i had the full capacity of doing! I don't know what magic this game did to me but i promise you im so happy i revisited this game again.

i would talk about how grateful i am to everyone has been supportive and sweet about my romantic f/os but i think the best highlight of my blog is my newfound love for my familial f/os - before that, i never had a single one on my list because i was simply quite disconnected to the family love concept, but after indulging myself in pokemon - i would come to discover pokemon adve.ntures, or poke.spe for short hehe. i have so many fond memories of finding myself wanting to read more and MORE - i would have every chapter downloaded beforehand just so that i can read it in my spare time, not even school that demanded my attention would stop me from sneaking my phone to quickly read through the manga LMAOO - but consuming the media itself wasn't enough, i needed people to understand the ROLLERCOASTER of emotions i had while reading and well, i think its very clear who those people were, the ones who came to save my miserable ass from (insert shocking scene in poke.spe) AHSJHSHSJSJS you know who you are and i appreciate you forever and they - i kid you not, helped me create something wonderful!

but of course, the video games were just as amazing. would you believe me if i told you i played gens 1 to 7 in one year? that's how much i adore the game and i still have yet to catch up to other games like the spin offs :] im not sure how to end this statement but. im so happy appleshipping and memoryshipping exists 🥹 i usually don't like thinking that they'll be with me forever because i believe nothing lasts for eternity but i just wanna say that they were just ... im just so contented 🥹 again, all of this actually would not have been so impactful to me if it weren't for my awesome mutuals hearing me out about it and supplying me with even more ideas - these mutuals would also end up becoming such loving friends of mine that helped me get out of my comfort zone and im still happy they're around (hi guys!) 💚

oh! and, what a surprise, i never thought id have an oc f/o! i initially thought that this was so impossible to do but?!??;?! it just happened i guess!!!! i keep surprising myself this year 😭

ok now here's the obligatory art summary for the year 💥

literally the best thing i ever done with my art is try using csp and it actually really helped me change the way i draw, and i even managed to cross out a few items in my last year's resolution thanks to it! i still bounce between using ibispaint and csp but i certainly improved!

the last thing im forever grateful about are the people who has been consistently supportive of my art - especially the commissions, i can't stress it enough how much it has helped me outside and it allowed me to go beyond my comfort zone when it comes to my drawing skills :']] thank you all so much

and finally, big thank you to everyone who sent me nice letters to my tree 🥹💚 its a gentle reminder that im actually ... pretty cool ig 🥹 and if you didn't send one, that's also ok!! you're still cool for reading this mwamwa

again im so bad at ending posts like these but cheers to a new year and let's hope it'll be better for everyone. 💚🫡 goodbye 2023!

[ghost-proofbaby]

ghost!!! i am sobbing weeping crying omg twenty four hours is coming to an end and it is so very bittersweet. i found 24hrs on ao3 and stayed up until three am binging it, then immediately went and followed you on tumblr, and ive been keeping track of it ever since. im not very good a tumblr since i only started using the app for fanfic last october, and i am one of those people that sometimes is ashamed of being a fangirl, so it’s almost unbelievable to me that i have a space where no one will know it’s me and i can enjoy whatever i want. im still trying to adjust to that, tell myself that it’s okay to repost fanfics and that this is a safe space. but twenty four hours has helped me with a LOT of that. before i used to kinda be ashamed to go on tumblr, but now i scroll it daily bcs i didn’t want to miss any updates on the fic. i also made the plunge and officially got an ao3 account, after oh about, seven or eight years of reading fan fiction practically non stop. so im getting there, and i just wanted you to know that twenty four hours helped me to get there.

and i think the main reason that twenty four hours has helped me get there is because of the quality of your writing. you write beautifully, intricately, and most of all—truthfully. ive never read an x reader that has felt so real, so fleshed out and most of all, relatable. i would find myself having internal monologue as i read from the ‘reader’s’ perspective and then the next paragraph would, sometimes word for word, have ‘reader’ think what i was thinking. this fic was also so healing, in a way. the way you used literary devices to describe such complicated situations had me often feeling relieved—like i had just let something go. as someone with a lot of baggage right now and who has a hard time believing they could ever be loved, it was at the very least comforting to have my insecurities and my negative qualities forgiven and proven untrue through ‘reader’ if that makes sense.

ik this is sappy as hell but i genuinely feel this way. your writing has moved me in a way that actual published books haven’t done for me in a while. so i just want to thank you for the time, effort, and thought that went into this fic. and secondly, i want to suggest the idea of adapting this into a novel to be published or a screenplay for a movie, in case no one has mentioned that to you or you haven’t thought of it. i really believe you have something good here, and with your talent, i could see you being very successful. this story of these two people—who both have internal wounds inflicted on themselves, each other, or from the past—who then grow more self aware and choose to be honest, even when it’s hard, is such a rare thing to see in literature or any kind of art. and i think the world needs more of that. bcs, like i said, this fic was more than just a fic to me. it touched me deeply. i cried, i laughed, and i reflected my own self. in short, it was a journey in more ways than one.

so thank you—for your art, for ‘reader’, and for eddie. i can’t wait for the epilogue and to read whatever stories you may have planned for the future.

<3

(ps so sorry to have word vomited in your ask box.)

first and foremost — never apologize for word vomit in my ask box. i am always a-okay with that. 🖤

i don’t even know what to say. i have this terrible habit of putting a lot more of myself than i care to admit into both my readers and my ocs, and most of the time, it’s not the good parts. usually, it’s the absolute worst parts of myself. i take all the rot inside, and i throw it into these projections, and i try to justify how someone with those qualities would still be deserving of love. it’s always been a coping mechanism. always. and then i’ve always strived to be a better writer, make my words worth reading, because i know how much of myself i’ve put into it.

to know other people see themselves in reader or eddie or any character i write is both so strangely hopeful but also so saddening, and it just makes me want to give you the biggest hug 🫂

on the note of publishing, i have definitely considered it. it’s just a really scary journey to decide to take. but the day i do decide to take the plunge, whether with this story or any other i’ve written or any entirely new one, you all will be the first to know 🖤🖤🖤

thank you so so much for reading, for letting my writing touch your soul the way it has. i am so honored that this fic has had this type of affect on you. this message genuinely made me cry. i am sending you all the love. <3

[ren-from-mars]

I’ve been doing some reflecting on this past year, and I really truly think it is the most artistic improvement I have made in any span of time. Of course, I’m going to be completely insufferable about it and have collected my best piece from each month with a few personal notes, so why don’t we go on a sprint down memory highway together?

January

At the start of the year, I was both adrift between fandoms and art styles. I was mostly aiming to find which style I could keep using, finish pieces quickly yet still feel proud of. It certainly worked in the moment, but as I pushed my boundaries more it didn't stick. Still, I look back on this style fondly! also proper throwback to my old username that i had for far too long

February

This was the start of me working on colour palettes. I lay down my main colour in the background and fit the rest of my colours around that. It was a good way to start experimenting!

March

Then the shift back to finding my style- I particularly like how the hair turned out in this piece! I also started trying more interesting poses here, and actually properly attempting hands.

April

I didn't finish any pieces in april as I had started working more hours and didn't quite know how to balance myself creatively at that point. I did lean into this style of sketch much more, which was good fun while it stuck around but ive leant away from it in more recent times.

May

Not much to say about may in particular, lots of the same things as the past few months with improvements here and there! just some steady progress :)

June

Cue the crunch of getting character refs done before artfight, and then only actually finishing one (which isn't actually complete, even to this day). But hey, more solid reference for My Guy ! I also leaned into drawing furries a lot more and have improved heaps in the difference of proportions!

July

artfight baybee!! no artistic differences, but it was a lot of fun scouting out other peoples character designs! I do hope to participate more this year :3

August

back to colours, though this month felt like a bit of a backtrack. Don't get me wrong, I do quite like this piece, but contrast-wise it doesn't have as much visual clarity as I would like. Regardless, a good learning opportunity!

September

Fun fact, I rendered this one entirely in greyscale! This was the start of me getting back into hatchetfield after being reminded of NPMDs release, and lets be real this part of black friday was chilling so I had to do something about it! I consider this piece a landmark in terms of my art journey.

October

Once again no real finished pieces, I was too busy watching nightmare time while waiting for the group watch of npmd. I did do a lot of studies of star wars characters from their live-action shows though, which was a fun learning experience!

November

This was the piece where I applied pretty much everything I had learnt throughout the year. contrast, colour themes, interactive environments and poses, the lot! and also. its them. how could i not

December

A perfect piece to wrap up the year with! Another step up from november, this applied lots of what I had learnt and pushed my boundaries even more. I have been aiming for more realism to actor's faces and body types, not out of it-has-to-be-canon-sake, but rather learning how to accurately depict someone's likeness from a few photo references. good practice for both live-action and animated characters!

Overall last year was absolutely wild. I can't wait to share my journey with you all as we go into 2024 strong!

[bulletproofthroat]

ik this isnt gonna concern anyone but my suspicions on bipolar are getting more validated by medical professionals :')

i spoke w my doctor today and hes in agreeance, i was telling him ab my previous manic episodes and hes now aware of them, hence why hes refusing to provide me with antidepressants because he said they could worsen my mania + be contradictory as they wont be helpful at all.

we agreed that he wont refer me to CMHT which is not only a dogshit service where i live, but theyre the ones that have psychiatrists etc, but since theyre dogshit and reject numerous referrals, theres no point, he only urged me to hang in until october 15th, because my student finances will grant me around £2000 when im in uni so i could go private..

so for once i feel like i can breathe properly, because im not some bitch whos pretending to have bipolar, i have fucking bipolar and because ive been agreed with that my healthcare system is absolute ass with mental health, i have to wait 4 more months to be seen by a psychiatrist to be helped. its a step far forward for me that a medical professionals finally in accordance with me, because im tired of living like my only objective is to survive, especially when im in the pits of depression

if theres one thing though, im glad i survived my a-levels, it drove me through a psychotic episode and so much more bullshit that i cant begin to elaborate on, but i hope that one day i can be in a position to speak about my life and how i BARELY coped with doing a levels.

i feel discouraged when people use bipolar as a tool to deter people like me from wanting to go onto higher education, im set on studying law in a high ranked university, and i wanna be the person in my family who's not only coping with a debilitating mental illness, but who's even going on to do a difficult topic because i can see myself becoming a criminal barrister. and i pray that no one sees this as me being too hopeful, because if im honest, it was my mania that pushed me to revising through the night and day, it was like that extra booster you need.

and i hate to be that person but for me, being manic made me feel like i was on top of the world, like nothing could stop me, not even these exams, that in the end, did cripple me. its like, compared to being depressed like i am right now, being manic is like a literal cheatcode to living, minus the reckless and foolish things i did on the side... minus the outbursts and the crazed expressions i carried, i think that it did manage to help me swim through these exams, well i say 'swim' really loosely, because on par with my ADHD, it was a hot mess trying to revise. one minute id be revising law, but later id feel really jittery and id find myself studying psychology, then history, then the cycle repeated. i almost looked insane.

a key memory i wont forget, was definitely when my mania was full blown, i was foolish enough to tear my £41 law textbook that I PAID. i filmed it just so that i could show to the world how fucked and pissed i was. is pissed even the right word to describe it? i felt a cacophony of emotions my dopamine receptors were flooding me, and i cant tell what emotion was at play, but in some spur of the moment, i tore and tore and tore at my textbook, laughing and throwing pages in the air. mind you ive done this before. with my law workbooks that my teacher provided, in another spur i tore everything up and threw it around my room. this was also done months ago with my history coursework. my room was like a winter wonderland but with historical texts about the russian revolution and what caused the february revolution. i cant tell if i was fuelled with rage or the typical mixture of feelings, but if there was 1 thing i could say, is that i was buzzing, my body was like a small chamber being filled with many gas particles that set me off, i was tearing everything and cussing like a sailor. and if theres 1 thing ill never forgive about myself or my sanity is that i had done absolutely horrible on my coursework. and im gonna be the one to blame it on my mood. there were weeks i was severely depressed and i couldnt write or edit or do anything with the work, or the week i was highly elated, that i couldnt focus on my coursework, or i thought so little of it. well, yeah.

im not too fussed with history since i assume my psychology and law grades are gonna be the meat and potatoes of my overall performance. its the issue with my neurodivergence and the fact that no one was there at the start to slow me down, to ground me and give me the right treatment that i needed long ago. i blame the system for being so negligent with someone like me, because its no secret that its usually caucasian people that are seen, that are treated like 1st class and this isnt me playing the race card. because youd least expect a middle eastern woman to be showing symptoms of bipolar or ADHD, etc.

whats funny is that the mental illness disco doesnt stop there it continues on and on because i have to use more of my money to be assessed for OCD which I also have medical evidence for. so thats around £800 just for 2. then comes the lesser important, still important, but not so important that it requires medication, maybe in my 2nd year of uni ill be seen for BPD and NPD. BPD is definitely on the list because as always, my foundation for that illness is also set due to the multiple instances of trauma that ive faced. but im not sure. ill have to consult on whether its C-PTSD or BPD, or maybe both? god knows

so i dont expect anyone to read this shit storm of an update on my chaotic yet mundane life, but it is what it is.

[chososcamgirl]

HEYHEY ALPHA SIGMA ‼️‼️ HRUYYEUHEH?? IM DOING VERY SKIBIDI (it’s Halloween tmrw and I’m SO PUMPED 😈😈) DAILY CHECKK IN TIMEEEEE!! IM SO GLAD TO BE DOING THESE AGAINNNN YAYYAYAY

NOOOO I HOPE UR TUMBLR IS WORKING FINE NOWWW DONT WORRY ABT THE OTHER ASKK U CAN IGNORE IT IF U DO FIND IT LOL 😭😭

STARTING UNI IS A GOOD IDEAAAA 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ IT COULD OPEN UP NEW JOB OPPORTUNITIES AND GIVE U MORE EXPERIENCE BUT MAKE SURE TO NOT STRESS ABT IT TOO MUCH‼️ AND WORKKKK HEBRBDHE IT CAN BE SO DRAININGGGG ☹️☹️ I HOPE U GET THE PROPER REST YOU DESERVE POOPIEEE 💔💔

MEETING UP WITH A LONG DISTANCE FRIEND?? FUNNNNNN🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ IM SO HAPPY UR EXCITEDDDD TELL ME HOW IT GOES‼️🙏

OH YESSSS I NEVER FINISHED DEMON SLAYER SO ITS BEEN ON MY LIST TOOOO BUT IM PLANNING ON WATCHING AOT SOMETIME 🤗🤗

I GOT MY IPHONE UPDATED TO IOS18 AND ITS SO FUN 😭😭 I CAN FINALLY USE THOSE TIKTOK EMOJIS (OR RANDOM EMOJIS I MADE) TO MY FRIENDS (it reminds me of discord SM LOL)

YESYES PICTURES 😈😈😈 be ready for some freaky ones… heh… 😛😈‼️

SJAP WEEKEND AND SJAP HALLOWEEN???? HELLO??? IM SHAKING RNN OMGGG 👀👀

NOTHING REALLY INTERESTING IS HAPPENING IM JUST ATTENDING SCHOOL AND STUFF SOOO 😭😢 BUT THATS KINDA GOOD TOO SINCE ITS NOT THAT CHAOTIC.. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO FINISH SINCE I TOOK SO MANY DAYS OFF 😭😭

MAXINE MINX OMGGG THAGS SO CUTE‼️🙏 I LOVE MIA GOTH SHES SUCH A GOOD ACTER I HAVENT WATCHED MAXXXINE YET BUT ITS DEF ON MY WATCH LIST🙏🙏 IVE BEEN BINGING HORROR MOVIES THIS MONTH AND I WANNA WATCH A FEW MORE BEFORE OCTOBER IS OVERRR

HEBEBDBEBBEBRB I WAS WATCHING A HORROR MOVIE AND THEN MY ALARM SYSTEM WENT OFF… I THOUGHT THE ALARM SOUND WAS COMING FROM THE MOVIE AT FIRST BUT THEN FREAKED OUT WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS MINE INSTEAD 😭😭 BUT IT WAS JUST CUS A COYOTE TRIED TO GET IN SO IM FINE 🙏🙏

OKOK AOTD ANSWERR 😈😈 IM BEING SIMON FROM ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS (matching with my friends hehehehe 😛) IKK ITS REALLY BASIC BUT LIKE WE DIDNT RLLY KNOW WHAT TO DO SINCE IT WAS LAST MIN 😭😭

QOTD… WHAT ARE/WERE UR HALLOWEEN PLANS??? (Milking out the Halloween questions rn since it’s still October here 😓😓）

NRNRBRBEJDNBE HAVE A SKIBIDI DAY IYAAA ILYSM MAKE SURE TO GET PROPER REST 🫶🫶

Us btw 😈

- 🐺/kiko

MIKOO!!! <33

do u prefer me calling u miko or kiko… lmk <3

CHECK IN YAY!! ME TOO <33 I LOVE ANSWERING THESE (seemingly late, but i’m gonna get back in routine now that things are back to normal!!🗣️)

IM VERY GOOD!! i just cleaned my entire room and made my bed (fresh sheets AMEN 🙏) and i’m gonna have a shower after this🙂‍↕️ i’m so tired because i woke up at 7am to a missing cat😭 he was like missing for an hour and he didn’t have his collar on (because he takes it off???? like he’s very silly) and i was having a full panic attack/meltdown and went through the forest at the back of my house in my pyjamas because i was actually hysteric😭 i found him though!! (he was not in the forest…) but yeah that was an adventure…😓😓😓

THANK YOU ANGEL!! <33 i’m just trying to enjoy my free time whilst it lasts and trying to write as much as i can because i know with the course im taking next year + work it’s gonna be so full on😭 but we ball!!🔥🔥🔥

yes i’m meeting with her jan next year.. less than 80 days… im so keen like im gonna scream!!!🙁🙁 PLS me and u both… we shall watch it together.. spiritually 🤞🤞 OMG I NEEED IOS 18 i have yet to update it bc i have like no storage 😒😒 i say this as tiktok takes 35gb of my storage… oops!! BUT OMG WTF THAT LOOKS SO COOL OK DELETING SOME OF MY TIKTOK DRAFTS TO GET THE UPDATE😈😈💪💪

EEE I HOPE YOU LIKED THE NEW CHAPTERS + HALLOWEEN SPECIAL YOU MUST TELL ME ABOUT IT AND UR FAVES <333 🔥🔥🐺🐺🙂‍↕️ ahh that’s okay!! don’t go too hard with the school catchup! you’ll get it done eventually, prioritise yourself first though <3

YESSSS!! i must show u photos soon i actually loved how they turned out LMFAO and YOU MUST WATCH IT!!! it’s a little mature.. but if you like thrillers and horrors then i’m sure you’ll like it🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🤞WHAT THE EFF??? a coyote… we don’t get those here so i’m #thankful🙏🔥 but that would be so alarming and scary PLS i would’ve pissed myself😭 ESP WATCHING A HORROR MOVIE LIKE HELLO???

YESSSAA🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ no i love all costumes esp group ones idc chipmunks eat EVERY TIME!!🗣️🗣️

AOTD‼️ i just went trick or treating with my neice and cat.. i was supposed to go to a party but didn’t end up going bc something major happened😍 but trick or treating was lowkey fun!!💪💪 WBY🫵

QOTD‼️ (i’m gonna start doing these too LMFAO) now that halloweens over… what is at the top of your wish list for christmas!! <3

ILY MIKO!! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF <333 AND HAVE A SKIBIDI SIGMA DAY!!

[keefiswhoiam]

October 15 - 2024 Tuesday

8:43am

I keep wasting time and feeling bad about myself. But thats because I do not have the heart to do anything in the first place. Theres a billion things I could be doing but I don't care about any of them. So I waste a little too much time scrolling twitter or watching videos and next thing you know I've been up for 2 hours and haven't even finished my morning routine. Completely sabotages my whole day going forward. Then I feel like a loser and rightfully so. I'm not living up to my own expectations, I'm not being "good" by my standards. And I don't think my standards are high. I feel bad because I hardly even tried. I didn't make an attempt to lock in, I gave up as soon as I was awake.

9:47am

I had a dream I was being asked if I was okay and that its kind of all I really wanted. Its funny because I heard a discord notification while I was half asleep and conjured up what I wanted it to say. But I've done that before. I especially used to eagerly await a morning message and sometimes I'd dream about them after waking up halfway through the night.

Dreams suck though, I'm on the verge of ignoring them because of how involved I got in one the other night. It's always been annoying how they give me a predisposition to feel a certain way upon waking, sometimes towards specific people which is not fair. I want to remember that they are not real, even if they can be a projection of my feelings. I know better than to act on pure emotion which is what dreams lead me to do.

9:54pm

4.5/10

Ive been so sucked into my own head and my past lately. I almost don't want to break free because I like consistency so much. Its dumb but that stops me from wanting to embrace better feelings/behavior. Maybe out of some desire for control/cohesion I want to stay the same way even if it's negative. However the trauma book said that people with inflexible frontal lobes tend to become creatures of habit which also makes their relationships routine and superficial. I am a creature of habit and my relationships seem routine. The more we study this book, the more convinced I am that my childhood was in fact "traumatic" and I never moved past it.

Lately especially I do not feel like a person and by extension I haven't been able to see others as people. I can't make a connection. This sucks because I not only feel lonely but my relationships suffer too. And they can tell. That in itself makes me feel like it's hopeless, like I've already screwed up and they are going to leave me now.

I'm irritated because I was doing good for a little while. I felt confident in myself, my abilities, and where I was going. I was feeling independent which was strengthening my bonds. Then I fell out of it and now I'm here. Once again unable to see hope or dream of the future, another symptom of trauma. I can't look forward if I'm looking back.

I think I might tend to pursue the unavailable because it's familiar to me to fight for everything, but it's been resulting in a feedback loop thats been causing my self image to get worse over time. Of course when I seek the impossible and constantly fail, I'm going to start feeling worse about myself. This comes in the form of people that won't make plans or that cannot meet my needs. But I stick around anyways, hoping they will. Thinking if I fight hard enough that they will be inclined to give back like they always wanted to but just hadn't yet. Absolute delusion. Seeking anything from anyone is being shown to be a bad idea. Or seeking specific kinds of people or relationships. I should be seeking myself and who I am which is when bonds form naturally. I've learned this from experience. I should never give up who I am for someone or go out of my way to chase a fantasy. I'd like to stay grounded in what is real and actually happening.

[planetamarte]

(anon who talked about dragonball from a couple days ago) yoo i didnt expect someone w a sonic background would resonate so much with early dragonball..!! but admittedly i dont know much about sonic, outside of like . snapscube, wayneradio, general common knowledge, etc. i couldnt find if someone asked this before erm but do you have any recommendations or favorites in the sonic franchise? i have always wanted to get into it + its like cultural exchange :) lmao

YEAHHH im liking it so far! if u dont know about it yet then once you learn the lore about the chaos emeralds specifically you'll see what i mean by the amount of inspiration sonic takes from dragonball LOLLL

my #1 recs for sonic will always be the games - for the majority of the series, sonic isnt really the type of thing where you absolutely Have to start from the beginning to understand its stories so u can just start anywhere! my personal favorites are both of the adventure games (especially 2), frontiers, generations and unleashed. the adventure series were the first 3d sonic games and where story started being more upfront. frontiers is the most recent and its story actually builds up on the chaos emerald lore in a way they hadnt done in decades. (this one has 2 prologues! the knuckles animation, divergence, and the comic tie-in, convergence.) generations is the one getting a remaster + new story content with shadow this october BUT the original game's story is very light and it's basically just a real nice glorified collection of levels from past games. i havent actually played unleashed since i was a kid (i might again soon) but this is the one with werehog sonic. its story is one of my favorites :)

im not much of a classic/2d player but i had fun with mania! origins is a collection of the classics that i havent played but ive heard it's pretty good and has a mechanic that makes losing lives less punishing than the originals. sonic 1, 2 and cd also have free mobile ports. the murder of sonic the hedgehog is also free on steam, it's a cute and casual little murder mystery visual novel and a real nice introduction to the cast of secondary characters!

(honorary mention goes to fangame dr. robotnik's ring racers, it's a pretty hard kart racer with a bunch of mechanics to memorize but is real fun once you get the hang of it and the tutorial has real cute interactions between eggman and tails. modding characters into this game is pretty easy and ive been working on putting in an oc of mine lol. this game is a sequel to sonic robo blast 2 kart, which is a mod for 1998(!) fangame sonic robo blast 2. another one i like is sonic and the fallen star, a 2d/classic style fangame with a cute artstyle and i know it has a sequel in the works!)

outside of games theres the idw comics! these take place after forces (the game before frontiers) but i think they establish an understanding of prior events pretty well that, again, u wouldn't Need to know everything before reading them. the archie comics are a beast i havent personally touched much of, they ran from 1993-2017 so theres a lot to them LOL

out of all the sonic shows and movies, sonic boom, the sonic ova (also known as the OG sonic movie) and sonic x are my favorites. all of these have super different takes on the world sonic lives in - boom is a silly little sitcom series w really funny meta humor, the ova is a 1996 pilot for an anime series that never happened, and sonic x is an anime series that DID happen where sonic is actually from a different world and gets isekaied to earth. (i recommend jp with subs for this one)

I THINK THATS IT...... i could keep going and be here all day but i will leave it here. theres way more stuff u naturally find getting into the series! the thing i like most about sonic is that i personally think theres something in the franchise for everyone. i hope all this info isnt too intimidating cause truly u can take this series at ur own pace. i hope u have fun anon ^__^

[finniestoncrane]

I am truly depraved for your scarecrow and I love him, just the way you write the rogues is chefs kiss and that's the first thing I wanted to say

Second thing is a request with said scarecrow (its spooky month why not yknow?) Wondering if you could write wax play with a male reader please (not at all because Ive been burning pumpkin spice melts pfhaha)

Hope you have a good October and wish you well n all as always Finnie !

Flickering

Arkham!Jonathan x Male!Reader, word count: 1.2k oops uh oh guess who else has pumpkin scented candles ready to use on his partner 👀 request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi minors DNI!! 🔞 cw for nsfw stuff: wax play, nudity, tiny bit of fear play, sensory depravation, reader has a dick and is referred to as a good boy

The room was dark and dusty, the feeling of unease that came with it not having been occupied in an indeterminable length of time. There were so many rooms in Arkham like that. Abandoned, forgotten, whole wings that were left to rot. And now you were in one, laying back slightly on a medical chair, waiting. Obviously, the intentional anticipation was meant to leave you uncertain, nervous. Afraid. That was the bread and butter of your expected partner though, the underlying pleasure for him in all of your activities.

As if on cue, you were aware of a flickering light from the corridor, which was now dimly lit in the glow, shadows shifting on the walls as the source of the glow came closer to you. Until Jonathan was there, standing in the door frame, holding a small plate upon which the candle stood.

“Very scary.” You tried to sound almost insolent. You’d found that an element of misbehaviour was something he appreciated, and it worked. Letting down his usual stoic visage, Jonathan Crane allowed himself to smile.

“Is that…Can I smell pumpkin? Are those pumpkin scented candles, Jon?” He nodded lightly, beginning to approach you. The room felt better with him in it. Perhaps because of his company, but more likely because Jonathan was now the scariest thing in the room, and you trusted him implicitly. “How very ‘on brand’ of you.”

Scoffing at the remark, he brought his dry and calloused fingers across your wrists, letting his fingernails drag delicately along them before he began strapping your arms under the degraded leather restraints, rusted buckle clanking as he tugged to make sure everything was tight. Once your arms were done, he moved to your legs, allowing himself a brief moment to gaze over your body from where he stood at the slightly angled chair, admiring your commitment to being completely nude here, vulnerable in the dark.

“So…are you going to stand there and stare at my dick or are you going to get on with it?” You winked at him, aware that maybe you were being a bit too much of a brat. Jonathan was a man of few words, and so when he only nodded silently in response, you let yourself lean back into the chair, gasping as he kicked the lever and brought your body down flat, a soft giggle emanating as you settled into the new position.

“You enjoy the element of surprise?”

“Immensely, as well you know, Jon.”

“Then, might I suggest a blindfold? Sensory depravation might heighten the pleasure…or the pain.”

“Do it.”

Reaching into the pocket of his tattered pants, he produced a small slip of dark material. As he lifted your head up to wrap it around, he pressed a soft, cool kiss to your forehead, before tying the scrap of fabric tight behind your head and laying you gently back down. In the darkness he had created, you waited, body responding positively to the lack of stimulus, as goosebumps formed and your swiftly stiffening cock twitched in anticipation.

A sudden drop on your chest, warm and pleasant, but shocking enough to have you arch as much as you could past the restraints. Jonathan stood to your side, shushing you softly and stroking your arm to soothe the nerves he so loved to inflict upon you.

Three more drips before you could ascertain that it was wax from the candle he held. Here in the darkness, it was the sole source of light, warmth, and was teasing your skin. The closer he held it to the skin, the warmer it felt. Jonathan was controlled though. He was aware of your responses, even if you weren’t in tune to them yourself. Immensely pleasurable, carefully orchestrated, he let a long trail of drips travel from your chest to your abdomen, letting it stop just as it came close to your now completely erect cock.

“Jonathan…” You were so aware of how breathy your voice was, how desperate you must have appeared writhing under the restraints, desperately trying to ask for more without sounding too needy.

“More?”

“More.”

“Please?”

“Please, Jon.”

His cool hand, almost clammy, rubbed the ever-sensitive head of your cock, pressing it down to lay your length flat. Starting from the base of the shaft, he dripped the wax, closing the distance between where he held the candle and your body as he moved up closer to the tip. The increased heat, no time for the wax to cool down, had your breath hitching as you pursed your lips against the moans that tried to come out, aware that the echoes of the almost empty room might alert any lingering staff to your location, interrupting your sordid little date.

As he kept his palm firmly on your head, he picked at the other drops along your length, teasing them from the skin now that they had cooled in the frigid air of the room. Delicious notes of pleasure rumbling from his chest at the way you bit your lip at the feeling of the wax teasing at the skin. But before you could get used to the gentle caress, Jonathan pulled back.

“Do you trust me?”

“I…yes.”

“Good.”

His presence seemed to disappear from the room. He was completely silent, to the point you weren’t sure if he had left. There was no breath, no shuffling, not even the sound of fabric moving.

“Jonathan?”

Foolish to expect you might be able to tell from the echo whether or not he was still there with you. Panic began to set in as you considered that he might leave you here, tied up, blindfolded, completely at the mercy of whoever, or whatever, might find you.

“Jonathan!”

“Scared?”

“Christ!” You jumped, ratting the buckles of the restraints, the bed shifting under you as you shook in terror.

“Shh…shh…”

Before you were able to speak again, your breath was lost when the searing heat of the wax hit your throat, apple’s Adam the target first before he began to let it drip up and down, allowing some of it to pool in the gap where your collar bones met the bottom of your neck.

“Jon…”

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course.”

You stayed silent, lips pressed tight together against the pain, which stung and then subsided as the wax dried. Aware of the growing adrenaline, you could feel yourself tensing up, a familiar knot in the pit of your stomach surging as Jonathan placed one hand against your cheek, still shushing you, soothing you against the tingling, smarting, deeply arousing touch of the wax against your now surely reddening skin.

“Good boy.”

The growl under the words was all it took to set you off, cock twitching hard as you came, hands-free, spilling onto yourself, staining in white against the orange of the wax. You mewled pathetically as he drew the candle down, a clink as he set the plate to the side. His nails, lightly scratching your temples as he pulled back the blindfold. You looked up into his clouded eyes, searching for emotion, but you were met with his signature stoicism again, before he pressed a silent kiss to you and began unbuckling the restraints while he hummed a soft tune.

[orphancookie69]

My Infertility Journey: Part 4

Yeah, future me needs to go in the past and tell past me to not be crazy. Well, they have not arrived yet-part four starts. The sooner I get in the drivers seat the sooner I park my car in the winners circle I hope....Just hopping on late? Here is Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. 

August 2022: 

A week after the ERA comes a cycle. This is highly unusual as it does not normally come that soon. Second half of the month is the start of round 4. Initial ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled to see if the body is on the starting line. Now let’s talk about the definition of insanity, it is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Based on the ERA, I am perfectly fine and we have been doing this with proper timing-so initially they said we are going to move forward with no changes. At consultation, they mentioned adding Intralipids-IV injected twice during the process. I am open to this idea, more than the anti-coagulants, because I think my body can only handle so many injections. I only have two more embryos at this point, and while I want to make sure they have the best odds of sucess-there are physical limitations of being...ya know...human? 

The results from the blood work came back, my hormones were too high. So they are having me wait and we will reassess on next cycle. I am happy that this news came from the doctor, I felt like it was better to wait and give the body a break. But for some reason, it felt like it would not have as much credence as it does coming from the doctor backed by “data”. I am looking forward to my break and plan on getting a family trip to Havasu in before my next cycle. PARTAY! No but otherwise this is a great time to hunker down and see if I can’t get some good training in for game day. Using muscle stims, heat, massage, and exercise to promote healing of the area. Maintaining diet and exercise to see if I can’t lose anymore weight before then. 

September 2022: 

Have I ever mentioned how much of this process is PLAYING THE WAITING GAME? But waiting has its own perks. So far just waiting for a cycle to come, estimated to come around the middle of the month according to P Tracker, and see if hormone levels are good enough to move forward. Also, I am (heavily) playing with the idea of implanting two instead of just one. My own doctor says the odds are better with just one, but I have heard a lot of other doctors/patients have success with 2. Part of me really likes the idea of implanting both and having this be the last round, for better or for worse. We will see what the doctor says. 

So my body decided to get stuck in “period limbo” this cycle. I get all the feels but none of the results. Doctor did a “wellness check” on me and decided to reset my cycle with a week’s worth of Birth Control. Then we are going to move on the next cycle. I picked up my prescription and then took them, one a day, for a week. My doctor puts me on Enskyce, and man I usually get all of the side effects: migraines, nausea, and lack of energy. 

October 2022: 

Body goes into cycle and then on Cycle Day 5, we went in for an appointment. Ultrasound and bloodwork looked good, we updated my thyroid panel as well. Now starts injections and the new element this time-intralipids. They are to be done at a third party facility, Oso Home Care in Irvine, in week 4 (before transfer) and after transfer. I am (attempting) to schedule an appointment with Oso Home Care after my next Ultrasound/Bloodwork appointment with Fertility Care in Brea. Ya know the one appointment(s) before implant. It is kind of crazy how much happens in a month. 

Drugs: EV (Estradiol Valerate), Dex (Dexamethasone), P4 (Progesterone), hCG, Valium, Doxy (Doxycycline Hyclate), Medrol (methylprednisolone),

Vitamins: Baby Aspirin, Prenatal vitamins (NAC, Prenatal, Omega 3, L Arginine, Coq10, Myo Inositol, D3)

Suggestions: Keto diet/Fasting, Exercise, Proper Injection Guidelines.

Price: $5,000+ (Fertility Care), $100+ (MDR Pharmacy), $550 (Oso Home Care), 

Here are some Injection Guidelines:

Before: Ice the area

During: Inject the right area, Massage it after

After: Walk it off a bit, Use a heating pad

In Between: Arnica, Massaging to promote healing

Check: Infection (red, raised/bumpy, burning, itchy)

Note: Injections are intramuscular, and depending on the injection, there are only so many spots you can inject. Just because there are other muscles, does not mean you can use them even if your areas are “out of commission”. You just gotta keep them in commission!

The phone tag that was had was fun by all? Honestly as much as this is not my first rodeo and this should not worry me, the intralipids worry me a bit. Really the scheduling process being the slowest thing ever doesn’t help anything either. Be careful when doing research too, it is not always as helpful as you would think to know what you are signing up for. Also, the slow time between the first and second appointment where there is only an injection every 3 days is lovely. So I barely got my appointment for the intralipid place, if I did not call, that might not have happened. Then went in for the next ultrasound, the last one before implant. Ultrasound was good and blood work was TBD. 

This starts the next phase of the process. From here we add 4 hCG shots, add 2 times a day of p4, and continue with EV every 3 days. Also, for the hCG...the first injection has to be in the back area, but the smaller ones can go in the stomach to give the back a bit of a break. Round one of the Intralipids happens. The dexamethasone comes off the schedule just before implant-a couple of meds get added for a couple days around implant. Implant happens, this time it will be a boy (currently between the names Roland and Kai). After implant it is suggested for up to 3 days of rest. Then we move into November (after playing the waiting game) to confirm the pregnancy. 

Oso Home Care...Intralipids: Its a cute little place in Irvine. Kind of disorganized and busy but it would seem a lot people go to a facility like this. I got there early. I spent 2.5 hours in the chair. Yeah, kind of a long time. The gals that work there are sweet, but I don’t like how they had to prick both my arms to get it to work. I felt strange after? I am not sure how I was supposed to feel. Based on when I left and where home is, it took an hour to get home. But I hope in the future that since I am already in the system that booking is easier, and I kind of have a better idea of what to expect. Dress comfortable, don’t bring a book. 

Ovation Fertility...Implant: I always forget COVID never stopped being a reality for hospital establishments. I always forget to bring a mask to these things. Arrive 15 minutes early in Newport Beach, take a Valium an hour before. Implant goes well-go home and rest. Also, if they let your partner in-film the implant. 

Implant day is a day of rest, and this time I am trying to take two more days of rest after. I am an awful patient and this is hard for me to do. Post transfer we ran low on p4 so we transitioned to 1/2 crinone and 1/2 p4 for the every 12 hour injections. There are enough drugs on hand to get through to the pregnancy test and once confirmed, we stick with this or go all crinone. I don’t remember my last boys’ implant well but this time around, my left uterus feels like a battle zone a bit. 

Trimester Breakdown:

Part 1: 10/7-1/8

Part 2: 1/9-4/12

Part 3: 4/13-7/15

November 2022: 

An appointment was set up to have a blood draw/pregnancy test on 11/7. What was the time like before? I felt most, if not all, the symptoms. Pray tell, what are the symptoms of the first trimester?

First Trimester Signs: Nausea, Metallic Taste, Foggy Brain, Cramps, Tiredness, Breast Tenderness,

For me, and according to old wives tales, boys are supposed to be worse. This round definitely felt different as I felt very sore for up to a week after implant. Google says this is ok but man, it was kind of odd. The first blood test of Week 4/5 happened and TBD. If this goes well, I go two more times-two days apart. In theory the HCG a pregnant body produces should double every day. The first time you are able to view anything on an ultrasound is week 6. The next, and final, intralipid appointment would also happen that week. 

The first blood test was good and positive, the next blood test the values should of doubled...and they did not. They increased but did not double. The office wants me to see the third test before jumping to any conclusions. The second blood draw was a 15% rise. The third blood draw was a 66% rise, so they kept us on the schedule and we scheduled the first ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days. They also had me schedule my second, and last, intralipid appointment for that same day. Prior to going to going into the first ultrasound, there were 50/50 odds that this is a viable pregnancy. 

We went in for an ultrasound and there was a gestational sac, but nothing that could be seen in the sac. They did a blood draw, to confirm the hCG is rising as a pregnant body should be. I had an intralipid appointment but they wanted me to move it, and wait for the results. The beta was rising, so we stay in the game another week. Order more drugs from MDR Pharmacy and scheduled another ultrasound for the end of the week. The intralipid appointment was moved to the same day as the next ultrasound. 

Oso Home Care...Intralipids: This trip was shorter, already in the system and they have an idea of how quickly you take the liquids and what not. I believe this time was about 3 hours? 

Also, I am keeping track of my weight, as women who are overweight before need to be careful how much weight they put on. When I checked on it, I actually had lost weight. Between my keto diet, morning sickness, and other pregnancy symptoms. In the first trimester one can lose a bit, but should this trend keep up in the second trimester...we got problems. Went in for the next appointment and while it was still not where it was supposed to be, there was improvement in both Beta (blood draw) and ultrasound findings. By this time I am almost 8 weeks along and there should be some major organs created, like the heart. 

December 2022: 

The next ultrasound would be interesting as it was kind of the determined trip to “call it”. Why would I want to call it? Because since implant, it has been very “we don’t have good news but we have not bad news so keep injecting”. And the body can only take so much for something that they said was most likely to end in bad news? But the doctor makes a good point that while certain things should be in place by this appointment, babies can be “past their due date” so if they are slow to grow, as long as they grow, it is fine? As the train carrying the passenger, the “limbo” is annoying as hell. 

The Week 8 Ultrasound: Yeah, so that went about as good as that was going to. The doctor finally called it. It is sad, bumming, annoying, frustrating, relieving yet unwantedly so. They are three options to resolve this round: to let it happen naturally, use drugs to help “speed things along”, or get a D&C. For now, we are going to cancel medications and assess in another couple of days. Did a blood draw to see where the beta is, and establish a comparison point for declines in the future. 

For the next blood draw, I could of gone to my Fertility Care office-but with us at the sad end of the process-and them not being part of our insurance-we decided to finish the process in slightly more complicated insured way. They ordered the blood draw at Quest Diagnostics. I made an appointment and the results were sent to Fertility Care. I have seen some insurance that covers infertility, but for the most part that is a sad joke. Some jobs cover that too. If you need that as an option, it’s worth looking into. 

Pay attention to your body. I had sharp pains on my lower left abdomen area the day before the blood draw. Like, bad enough to make me basically pointless the rest of the night. The next day they continued, and I called it in. I am now on the alert for heavy bleeding and those pains, as the combination means bad news. But should be signs the body is starting the miscarriage process. To speed things up, they put me on Letrozole and Acetaminophen-COD. This will be my first time having a drug induced natural miscarriage.  

Four pills at night for 7 nights, bleeding can last up to a week. Blood was being drawn at Quest Diagnostics and the beta hcg was going down. I used pads for a week to “measure” how much I was bleeding, more than two pads in two hours was bad news. Blood draw to see where we were at, luckily enough for all involved-there was no hemorrhaging. The second week of miscarriage recovery-less blood, less medications, but no less feels? Research shows it could take up to 6 weeks for my body to get back to “normal”. There are some herbs and vitamins I can take to help, but mostly it was rest and food and relaxation. 

So, what happened? While there are no answers, there is a scientific name for this. Funny how that works out huh? Here is what I think happened: 

“ A blighted ovum, also called an anembryonic pregnancy, occurs when an early embryo never develops or stops developing, is resorbed and leaves an empty gestational sac. The reason this occurs is often unknown, but it may be due to chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg.” (Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/expert-answers/blighted-ovum/faq-20057783)

Because this is an IVF process, and everything is tested and in some ways controlled, I doubt it is because of any chromosomal abnormalities. But it is crazy how many variations of miscarriages are out there. And really, even in the same person’s journey-no two are the same. Oh to know so much yet so little. 

Honestly, this is a very tough process. I am not sure what to think. Doctor thinks we should implant (IN ME) the last embryo, possibly changing nothing, and see if it works when I am mentally and emotionally ready. For now, the only thing for sure is its BREAK TIME. Is it too soon for a surrogate? I don’t understand how I can be such a medical mystery. It is a very strange feeling. 

[ss-trashboat]

I posted 1,502 times in 2022

That's 1,171 more posts than 2021!

412 posts created (27%)

1,090 posts reblogged (73%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@chrissybxo

@ss-trashboat

@sybilius

@zumo-san

I tagged 1,449 of my posts in 2022

Only 4% of my posts had no tags

#wrasslin - 743 posts

#queue - 610 posts

#my beloved - 387 posts

#trashy yells - 180 posts

#my art - 105 posts

#wrasslin yells - 86 posts

#traditional art - 72 posts

#fan art - 72 posts

#trashy watches tag league - 66 posts

#wrestling fan art - 54 posts

Longest Tag: 124 characters

#ive known salty for close to 12 years now cause i started talking to her cause i loved her art back then and she was so nice

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

and here we draw hands and shirts for adam cole bay bay ~

29 notes - Posted February 17, 2022

#4

Wrestleblr Secret Santa

welcome! this is just a fun little thing to spread some serotonin this holiday season. not necessarily holiday related, but something to pick up our spirits this holiday season ~

here is the form to fill out (i hope it works i haven't made one before lol). there's something for everyone here: writers, gif makers, editors, all artists welcome!!

i will be accepting applications for a week so they will close at midnight est on december 4th. then i will start assigning people! will be done through tumblr messenger so if you're not cool with that let me know please.

pieces are due to your partner by the end of the year, december 31st, but you absolutely can post sooner! if something comes up and you're unable to complete, let me know! we will have an option to be a back up artist, and i will also be a back up artist for anyone that's unable to complete on time.

most important, have fun! this is a super casual thing (i've never thrown one of these before so it's a learning process lol) so enjoying yourself is the most important thing. let me know if you have any questions, and share to tell your friends!!

43 notes - Posted November 27, 2022

#3

happy death before dishonor day, part two. beloved boi yoots, cause ofc i had to get all those emotions out of my system oof

45 notes - Posted July 23, 2022

#2

hey guys

so i wanna put together a fund of sorts to get night back to the states for a con in february. not much has been fleshed out as they're just announcing people, but there's a sentimental one for night and i just really want this to happen. cause who knows when we'll get to do this again. and i just. really miss my best friend

i know this is a long shot, especially before the holidays, but any little bit helps. i'm linking my ko-fi here that has the goal. i have some tiers set up as well as commission options. i'll also add the art i have for sale over time too.

share and tell your friends. let's start 2023 off great for night <33

55 notes - Posted October 18, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

babe made me a sheet to make things easier to share, but im taking sketch commissions! these will be on smaller paper, around 5x7 and 7x9, and can be shipped to you! only one person per page tho as they're smaller. will also do non-wrestling. these are for trip funds so please share and tell your friends!!

68 notes - Posted June 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[starsstruck]

shampoo bottles

a friends with benefits gone wrong. harry can’t bring himself to get rid of everything you’ve left at his place after things fall apart. beat up red cars, crumpled sweatshirts and of course, shampoo bottles.

based off the song “shampoo bottles” by peach pit.

pairing: harry x reader words: 6.9k rating: M

a/n: this is just a little something i had inspiration for ! like i said its based off the song “shampoo bottles” by peach pit (great song great band). its an OU but im not regarding tour dates or quarantine or wtv, i just have dates so its easier to follow since i go back and forth a lot ! its a bit of a different writing style than ive done before so hopefully everyone likes it ! would love to hear what you think, and enjoy !

                                                            ***

November 20th

The shampoo bottles taunted him.

The worst part was Harry wished they weren’t empty. He wished that there was still even a drop left in them so that he could rub it through his own hair. Although having milked them of their last contents weeks ago, they still sat in the corner of his shower.

The smell lingered on them. The sweet smell of some flower, maybe some orange blossom, he didn’t ever really know. All he knew is that he was addicted to the smell, and seeing the bottles sit in the corner as he showered made him feel like he could smell them, like he could smell you.

He remembered the day you brought the bottles over, claiming to be annoyed with the way his shampoo just wasn’t the same. The idea of you smelling like him brought a heat to his stomach, he liked the smell of your shampoo even better. And now the bottles sat there. Taunting him.

October 15th

“What’s with the bag?” Laughing as he pointed at the bag in your hand, he wondered what you could possibly be bringing with you to the washroom.

“Brought my own shampoo,” you pulled a bottle out of the canvas tote bag around you were holding, smile wide on your lips. “And some other things. Hope you don’t mind.”

He jutted his lips out in a mock pout. “What’s wrong with my things?”

“Don’t like your shampoo.” You hummed, disappearing behind the still open door frame that led to the washroom. “Don’t worry! I still like your nice moisturizer, does wonders for my skin.”

He scrambled up in his sheets at the sound of the shower turning on. Standing in the door frame of the washroom, he watched as you pulled off your underwear and dropped them aside. He knew that you could feel him watching you, and that you were pretending not to notice or care.

Stepping into the shower, shutting the glass door behind you as you let the water hit your back. He stayed where he was for a minute, until steam was beginning to fog the glass door that separated you two and he couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Let me do that,” humming as he stepped into the shower next to you, just as you were reaching for the shampoo bottle that you brought.

“Awfully nice of you,” moving aside slightly, you passed him the shampoo bottle. Moving around so that he stood directly in front of, you letting you stand under the stream of water. Squeezing some shampoo out onto his hand, he put the bottle down and rubbed his hand through your hair.

“Feels nice,” you shut your eyes, Harry watched water droplets fall down your forehead that end up getting caught in your eyelashes. He brough both hands to your head, massaging the shampoo in. Taking extra time to rub his fingertips into your scalp, enjoying the content smile on your lips as you leaned into his touch.

He knew you, he knew you well. In this moment he knew that you were doing it on purpose: the small moans in the back of your throat as he rubbed his hands against your head, the way you arched your back slightly, and the way you titled your head back in the same way you did when his head was between your thighs.

Tilting your head in his hands so that the stream of water hit your scalp, rinsing out the suds. The smell around him was only of the sweet orange blossom mixed with something else, he could never put his finger on it.

“All done,” he grinned, tapping your eyelid gently. He watched as you rubbed the water from your eyes, blinking them open to gaze into his.

He kept his hands around you, dropping to your shoulder as he pulled himself closer to you. Semi hard length pressing into your thigh, your eyes dropped down and were soon followed by your hands. Jolt sent through his abdomen as your warm hands wrapped around him, lightly tugging and pulling.

“’s nice,” he mumbled, feeling the blood leave his brain and relocate between his legs. Your grip tightened around him, thumb rubbing over his tip in a way that made his hips buck into your hand. His grip around you tightened when your eyes met his again, tongue darting out to lick water from your lips.

His legs nearly buckled when you dropped down to your knees, remaining under the shower stream. He didn’t mind being in the colder side of the shower, especially if you were going to be on your knees in front of him.

“Want to get me in your mouth?” His voice nearly surprised him at its hoarseness. It wasn’t like he hadn’t had you like this before, it was just that every time you had your hands on him it drove him completely crazy.

Watching your slow nod, Harry wrapped a hand over your head, tugging on the recently washed strands as he encouraged you. Not able to take his eyes off of you as you wrapped your lips around the head of his cock, slowly easing him into your mouth until your lips met where your hand was still wrapped around him.

“Look so good like this.”

November 20th

His hand didn’t do you justice, but it was all he had. It was like the smell of your shampoo filled his senses every time he stepped foot in his shower, no every time he stepped foot in his washroom. Every time he saw those goddamn shampoo bottles sitting. Untouched.

He just couldn’t bring himself to throw them out.

Nothing could clear his mind. It had been weeks, and nothing he did could get his mind off of you. Maybe that was his own fault. He knew it was his own fault. His place was littered with traces of you.

Part of him probably got something out of his pain, but he didn’t care.

Not when he couldn’t bring himself to clean out his bathroom, because of the way your toothbrush sat so nicely next to his. Or the way you had brought him some organic soaps, claiming they smelt really good and were made out of all kind of nice essential oils.

He couldn’t even bring himself to use that bar of soap, knowing the more he used it the smaller it would get, and soon it’d be gone.

But his wallowing really hit an all time high when he found your sweatshirt.

He really thought you had taken all your clothes with you. You didn’t leave a lot of them at his place to begin with. Clothes being the one thing you claimed you didn’t need as you helped yourself freely to his closet.

But when he was going through said closet, he found a bunched up blue sweatshirt he had forgotten he kept.

September 2nd

It was an odd rainy night, and Harry didn’t feel like going out. He was no stranger to poor weather, but the rain seemed to be the last thing he needed to decided that he would rather stay in. Relieved when you had shared his opinion, agreeing to come over with a bottle of margarita mix. It was just the two of you, Harry just wanted a calm night in with his friend and maybe a couple drinks, ones they could make themselves.

Soon you were seated on his couch, leaning against the armrest with your feet pointed towards him. Cozy in your sweatshirt, gripping your drink tight between your fingers.  

“Would you let me draw one for you?”

You spluttered out a laugh at his request. “God no!” Your laugh deepened when you glanced up at him. “Nothing against you, Harry. Just want a professional to do it.”

The movie put in was long forgotten, now facing each other and talking about where you should get your first tattoo. You had told him what you wanted to get, you just had no idea where it should go.

“Fine,” he huffed, playfully of course. His head felt hazy, couple of drinks have come and gone and he was still nursing another strong cocktail in his hands. “So, where are you gonna get it?”

“That’s the problem,” you muttered, taking a big sip of your drink. “I don’t think I want it really visible, like not on my arms or anything.”

Harry nodded, knowing that you were nervous about regretting a tattoo. “You thinking maybe around your ribs?”

He watched as you lifted your sweatshirt a bit, finger tips brushing over your ribcage. “I don’t know – heard it hurts really bad there.”

“Not too much,” Harry thought over his own experience, although knowing you were a bit more uneasy with needles.

“I was thinking like,” you patted the spot where you hipbone was. “My hip. Kind of cute, no?”

He bit back a smile. “Very cute.” The alcohol spoke before he could. He thought it was much more than cute, he thought that a tattoo on your hip was the best idea you’d had in years.

“Plus it’s kind of,” you paused, licking your lips. “Intimate.”

He sucked in a breath. He didn’t like the idea of someone else finding your tattoo. A tattoo that he was helping you figure out. He didn’t like the idea of someone kissing it, of someone peeling off your pants and being delighted to see a little tattoo there, just for them.

It was selfish of him, and he knew it wasn’t right. The two of you had both been single for a while and he had gotten so used to having you around, he was getting jealous at the thought of someone taking you away from him.

“You’re out of it,” you giggled, after a moment too long in silence.

Harry broke himself out of his daze. “’m not drunk,” he muttered into his glass, although he was. And the alcohol was clouding his mind, and he didn’t know what to do about it. “Hip is a really good idea.”

Mentally wincing at how eager he sounded, he watched as you nodded, worrying your bottom lip between your teeth. “Think it’ll hurt a lot?”

He chuckled to himself. “It’s a tattoo darling, course it’ll hurt a bit. I can come wit’ you if you want, hold your hand and all.”

Smile broke out on your face, teeth no longer gnawing on your lip. “That’d be nice,” humming as you placed your drink on the table in front of you. “Did yours hurt a lot?”

“Couple of them were a bit more painful, yeah.” He nodded, honestly not really remembering. “Get used to it after a while. One’s on my chest were probably the worst.”

“I like your butterfly,” you moved a foot out, nudging his thigh with it. “I would be too scared to get something that big though.”

“You’ll see,” he laughed. “Once you get one you won’t be able to stop.” He mindlessly trailed his hand over his shirt, where his tattoo rested.

“Don’t know about that. I don’t know if I would want a too many,” you hummed into your cup. “I do like all of yours though.”

“Yeah?” He sat up straighter. “Which ones your favourite?”

You sit up straighter as well, shuffling towards him a bit on the couch. “Can’t choose just one.” He tried not to jolt when your fingertips met his forearm, gently trailing up and following the lines of his tattoos. “What about you?”

He was silent for another moment too long, watching your fingers move up his arm. Finally glancing up at you, meeting your eyes with a lazy smile. “Don’t know either.”

“You’re completely pissed,” you laughed at his slow response, his hand moved without thinking, and pinched your cheek.

“Maybe,” his mouth and hands were working without his mind. “Skin is burning hot darling.” Hand smoothing around your face, he moved away for a second to place his drink next to yours on the table before tapping your forehead with a cool fingertip.

“’s cold,” you laughed, eyes shutting in a slow blink. “I heard,” you paused for another moment, as Harry brought his hand away from your face. “Heard tattoos feel like a bunch of little scratches.”

“Something like that,” he hummed, not being able to recall any tattoos he’s ever gotten in this moment.

“It’s like,” he moved his hand to your waist, lightly pushing under your sweatshirt. If he weren’t so close to you, he would’ve missed the little gasp that left your lips. “Like this.”

His nails weren’t nearly long enough to properly scratch at your skin, but he slowly dragged them along your ribs. “But faster, and it’s a needle.”

“Doesn’t really sound like the same thing,” your laugh sounded nervous, nearly breathless.

“Not really no,” he laughed lightly. Shuffling even closer to you, leg pressing against your knee. The smell of your shampoo overwhelmed him, he had always loved it and in his intoxication, it was the most potent smell ever.

“What are you doing,” your voice dropped down to a whisper. Where his hand had earlier been on your cheek, he pressed a little kiss.

“I’m just,” Harry didn’t know what he was doing. He just wanted to feel your skin under his lips, he just wanted to be close to you. “Helping ya’ out with tattoo ideas.”

He pressed another series of kisses to your cheek, eliciting a sigh from your lips. You didn’t push him away, and his hand that had been scratching at your waist gripped onto your skin.

“’s just me,” he babbled. “Skin’s so warm, can’t help –” he breathed in deeply, hand on your waist moving to your knee. He gently pushed your leg aside as he settled himself in closer to you. His lips were by your jaw, and he wanted so badly to feel your own mouth under his. “– can’t help m’self.”

You didn’t move under him, except for a single hand coming up to grip the neckline of his shirt. “Le’ me,” he pleaded, voice low. “Please, let me.”

You tilted your head up a bit towards him, lips ever so lightly parted. “Go ahead.”

He took that as all the invitation he needed, mouth sliding from your chin to cover yours. He sighed into your mouth, knee coming up to the couch as he repositioned himself.

He kissed you deep, tasting you for the first time and not able to get enough of it. Your hand on his shirt slid around his neck, gripping tightly onto his skin as you pulled him closer. His hand gripped your leg, thumb rubbing small circles through the loose materials of your sweats.

“’s good, you’re so –” Harry couldn’t form one coherent sentence. He wanted to feel you everywhere, he wanted to cross this uncharted territory and feel your skin on his. A part of him, a tiny part of him in the back of his head was telling him this wasn’t right but he was pissed and he wanted you. Badly.

“Harry,” your voice was a dream. He had moved his mouth down your jaw again, this time biting and licking as he moved down your neck.

“Jus’ wanna kiss – want a taste.”

He lifted himself from you for a moment, helping you reposition yourself so that you could lay on your back, Harry hovering nearly awkwardly over you but he didn’t care. It was a flurry of lips on skin and quick moving hands. He pushed a hand under your sweatshirt, delighted in finding you not wearing a bra, while you shared lime flavoured kisses.

You were pushing your hips against his, rubbing against him in a way that made his breath catch in the back of his throat. He was hard and heavy in his sweatpants, drunk enough that he if he kept grinding against your hip in the way he was now, he wouldn’t last very long.

“Fuck,” you whimpered from under him, his fingers pinching and pulling at your nipple under your sweatshirt while his mouth met yours again.

He snaked his hand down your tummy, only hesitating when he met the band of your sweatpants. “Want to,” he panted, “wanna feel you.”

“Yes.” The single word was a moan from your lips, as his hand pushed past your pants. Fingers snaking under your underwear, he nearly choked when he pushed through your folds.

“Fuck me,” he never wanted to leave you. “You always get this wet?”

You only whimpered from under him again, head pushing into the cushion of the couch as he circled your clit. He focused on the way you whined and pleaded under him; the way you jolted when he pushed a finger inside of you, and then two.

You were warm, he couldn’t get over how hot your skin was all over and how much it made him melt. His lips were gliding all over your skin, sucking sweetly on your neck and moving roughly over your mouth. Catching your moans into his open mouth as if he could keep them forever.

“I – Harry please don’t stop,” you were squirming underneath of him. Arching yourself off the couch, pushing yourself against him.

Rush through his body at how desperate you sounded, at the way his name was moaned from your lips. “Cum fo’ me darling,” he curled his fingers inside of you, pushing every spot that made you gasp.

He worked you over the edge, eyes narrowing on every move you made. And when you clenched around his fingers, thighs clamping together and back rising from the bed, he wished he could stay in this moment forever.

After a moment you peaked your eyes open, lazy smile on your lips as he pulled you in for a deep kiss. Wet fingers slipping out from under your sweats, gripping your skin.

“So gorgeous, you – fuck –” he bucked into your hand as he felt you palm over his bulge. Your lips pressed into this straining neck, your turn to lick and bite at his skin while you grabbed at his cock over his pants.

“That’s it,” he praises, hips bucking against your hand. Your fingers trickled under the band of his sweatpants, gripping him blindly. Your other hand was patting his shoulder, nudging him with a muffled voice. “Harry, move up a bit.”

He scrambled up to his knees, pulling you up with him until he sat with his back against the couch with you on his lap. You were pushing up his shirt, kissing at his neck while your hand gently jerked him off.

“Jesus you’re –” he fell into your touch, leaning against you. The whine that left his throat as your hand left his cock came from deep in his chest. Watching closely as you spat into your hand before shifting over him again.

He couldn’t help the way he gripped your thighs as you worked your hand over him, until he was bucking his hips into your hand. A whining mess, begging you over and over again to keep going, to not stop and to never leave him.

“You are – fuck,” he held you tight as he dropped is head in the crook of your neck, breathing uneven as he came on your hand. After a moment he pulled you in for a sloppy kiss, helping you off the couch with wobbly legs to get the both of you cleaned up.

November 20th

He remembers that day like it was yesterday. The way you whined and whimpered under him for the first time, the way he found himself intoxicated (and not just by the alcohol).

Shy smiles were shared as he offered you stay the night, too late and both still too intoxicated to drive. You had decided you were too hot in your sweatshirt and grabbed one of his shirts instead. He pulled you in close under his sheets, kissing over your exposed skin and wanting to melt in the warmth coming off your body.

And apparently, you had completely forgotten about your sweatshirt.

The next morning neither of you said anything. Nothing of the sorts was even brought up again until a week later when you guys were out for a drink and he suddenly ached to have you under him. He had kissed you outside the bar, pulling you home with him until you were sat on his thigh grinding and moaning against him.

It had continued that way for a couple more weeks, neither of you really making any mention of it except for slipping hands under clothing and stealing kisses after a couple drinks.

That was, until you had sex for the first time. He was barely drunk, only needing one drink as an excuse to call you. Bugging you nonstop from outside the bar, wanting you to be there with him. He had managed to get you to drive over and pick him up, in your sweats and his shirt because you had been just about to go to bed.

You had walked him into his place, making sure he drank two glasses of water before he pulled you into bed with him, saying that since you were already ready for bed you may as well just stay the night there with him.

Cuddling into you, he couldn’t help kissing his way down until soon he had you on your back with his head between your thighs. Telling you over and over again that it was a ‘thank you’ for coming to pick him up.

But it wasn’t enough for him to grind against the mattress, while he pulled an orgasm out of you. He was greedy, he wanted another one, he wanted to feel you everywhere.

He eased you up to your knees, bending you over on the mattress with your ass in the air while he fumbled with the condom. It was everything he could’ve dreamt of and more, so much more. He couldn’t get enough, and didn’t think he ever would.  Holding your close against him, chest pressed to your back as he praised you endlessly. You were just as warm around him as you were his fingers, and he had to grip you so tight to make sure it was real.

Both ending the night passed out side by side, he knew the next morning he needed to say something.

September 19th

“Bit sore,” you laughed, following him around the corner from the washroom. He was getting some breakfast ready, and the sight of you standing in his shirt and nothing else made him want to take you over the counter again.

“Sorry about that,” he smiled, mind worrying over what to say next. “I – last night was fun, yeah?”

Leaning against the counter next to him, grabbing a handful of grapes from the bowl in front of you. “It was,” you voice was quiet, nearly timid.

“I –,” he paused again, unable to form the sentences he wanted to. ‘I like fooling around with you’ or ‘I like fucking you’ didn’t sound nice rolling off the tongue. “I like doing… what we’re doing. And I want to keep doing what we’re doing. If you do too.” He bit his lips together, mentally cringing at how awkward he sounded.

“I do too,” you said, averting your eyes from his as you nodded. “Both single, and it’s been a while, and…” Harry was relieved to see you also didn’t seem to know how to voice your feelings. “We’re friends.”

He nodded slowly, watching your every move. “Then, we’re doing this? Don’t need to wait for an excuse to have you come over anymore?”

Laughing lightly, you finally met his eyes. “Yeah,” you voice was airy. “But if either of us meet someone or need to end it, we do. Right?”

“Right,” he nodded, almost too eagerly and the new agreement. “What do you want for breakfast?”

November 23rd

Apparently, he couldn’t escape you outside of his house either. Deciding that wallowing by himself wasn’t going to get him anywhere, he thought that maybe a run would help clear his mind. It worked, for a good ten minutes before he stopped dead in his tracks.

Blocks away from his place he saw a red car parked. The same make and model of your red car.

Was it you? Could it be you? What are you doing so close to his house? He hadn’t spoken to you in weeks, not since the fight that made you leave in such a rush that you left your shampoo bottles in his shower.

Tentatively walking towards the parked car, not seeing the pendant that you kept hanging off the review mirror. He decided it was too risky, that if it was your car, he wasn’t ready to see you, especially if he was snooping around your car.

But the car was still there the next day. Deciding fuck it, and walked towards it, hoping he didn’t look suspicious for whatever reason. As he got closer, he saw for a fact that there was no pendant hanging from the review mirror, and that those dents by the door were not there.

It wasn’t you.

He didn’t know if he was upset or relieved. He almost missed those dents on the door, always telling you to get it fixed. Stubborn as always, constantly telling him that “I don’t need to get it fixed if it doesn’t affect how it drives.”

That car was the last thing he saw before you left his house the last time he saw you.  

November 5th

“What are you feeling for dinner?”

You hummed, opening up his fridge to stare at the contents. “We can make…” you were mumbling to yourself, examining the contents. “Do you have rice? We can make a stir fry,” you squinted in the fridge.

“Sounds good,” reaching through his cupboards for a pan, as you grabbed a cutting board and a knife, always preferring to chop the vegetables. “How’s your week?”

“Fine,” mumbling from where you stood across from him in the kitchen. “Work was the same, not to stressful right now which is nice. I, uh –”

He looked up at the hesitation in your voice. “I had a date.”

He nearly let go of the pot in his hand. He felt his stomach dropping, happy to be occupied with turning on the stove as he didn’t have to face you. “Yeah?” trying to keep his face calm before turning around to you again. “With who?”

“A guy from work,” you were averting your eyes, twisting the ring around your middle finger. You were nervous, he realized.

“How’d it go?”

“Okay,” you shrugged, looking down at your hands as they worked chopping the onion on the board in front of you. “We um –”

Finally you looked up at him. “We didn’t do anything.”

He didn’t know what to say. “Didn’t do it for you?” He tried to joke, but based off your expression he realized that really wasn’t what he should’ve said.

“Just thought you should know,” you looked away from him again, voice quiet. “Since y’know, we’re…”

Condoms had been long forgotten between the two of you. It was a silent agreement, that one should tell the other if they were going to be having sex with someone else. But for some reason, Harry had never imagined that conversation happening.

“Are you,” he tried to not let his voice shake. “Are you telling me you want to sleep with him?”

“No,” you shrugged slightly, pushing the onion around with the knife. “Don’t think that’ll happen. Just thought you should know.”

He willed himself to seem unbothered. “Okay.”

Back towards you again, pouring some oil into the pan on the burner. He could feel you watching him. Spinning back around, he saw you with your lips pressed to a thin line.

“What if I did want to sleep with him though?”

“You said you didn’t.” He desperately needed to change the subject.

“But what if?” For the first time, he realized he couldn’t read what you were thinking.

“Are you saying you want to end this?” Avoiding the question once again, he hated himself for the way he did it.

You blinked quickly, as if physically affected by his words. “I mean no, but,” you paused, and he panicked over what the end of that sentence would be. “What we’re doing its not – I mean what are we doing?”

He hated the tone of your voice, he hated how anxious you sounded. But instead of wrapping you into his arms like he wanted – and should have – he tried to swallow back any feelings he thought he might have for you. “We – we’re both taking advantage of the situation, no? Both being single and all.”

Your eyes narrowed on him. “So that’s it then? Call me over when you’ve had a few drinks and your hand isn’t enough to get you off?”

Fuck. “Darling that’s not –”

“Don’t. I practically live here, Harry. It’s not just ‘taking advantage of the situation’.”

The oil popped on the pan behind him, burner getting too hot. Swearing under his breath, turning back around to shove the pan off the heat. “I have half my things here. Wasn’t like this when we were just friends.”

Facing you again, he breathed out a sigh trying to calm himself down. “You didn’t have to bring your things over.”

You snapped your head up at his words. “That’s a low fucking blow.”

Suddenly you were moving away from him, away from the kitchen. He swore to himself again, hating himself for the way he handled the conversation. He hated himself for the way he avoided where the conversation seemed to be heading, to having him admit he wanted more from your relationship.

Calling your name behind you, watching with wide eyes as you grabbed your bag form the table, throwing it over your shoulder. “What are you…?”

“’m leaving.” Muttering as you brushed past him, heading towards the door.

Fuck. “Wait no,” he reached for your shoulder, hating the way you shrugged him off although you still spun around to him. “I – I didn’t mean it like that. I just,” he needed to say something, anything to get you to stay. “What are you saying?”

You sighed, dipping down to tug on your shoes. “I don’t know what I’m saying Harry. Maybe,” you sighed, gazing up at him. You looked tired, and sad. He hated it. “Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe we should stop.”

All his blood left his body. No. “You want to stop?” This time he wasn’t able to hide the shake in his voice.

“I gotta go Harry.” You turned away from him, reaching for the doorknob.

“Wait,” he repeated your name over and over. “Don’t leave please –”

You refused to look at him, spinning away from him. He continued calling after you, pleading you to come back but soon you were backing out of his driveway and turning around the corner.

November 24th

In hindsight, he realized he should’ve just told you he wanted you all to himself. He didn’t handle it well; he knew that then and he knows it now.

What he didn’t know at the time, what he refused to let himself think was that he wanted more with you and probably always had.

Recalling the first-time boundaries were crossed when he kissed you; the jealousy he felt when he thought about someone else being able to see the tattoo on your hip.

He remembered when you had gotten that tattoo, the skin still sensitive and wrapped in protective plastic. He still kissed at it, pulling small whimpers from the back of your throat.

He supposes that boundaries were disappearing when you started bringing over and leaving your things at his place, including those goddamn shampoo bottles. You were right to question him over the nature of your relationship, but he was too stupid and stubborn in the moment that he chose to push you away instead of admitting his feelings.

Fiddling with his phone in his hand, opening and closing your contact in his texts. He had drafted countless unsent messages, but had ultimately left you in radio silence.

And how fucked was that?

He didn’t care if it had been three weeks, or two weeks and five days to be exact. He pressed his phone to his ear, holding his breath as the phone on the other end rang.

After the second ringer, he was sure you wouldn’t pick up. He was about to end the call altogether, not having the heart to face your voicemail when a quiet “hello” spoke through the line.

“Hi,” he couldn’t breath. “It’s me – it’s Harry.”

“I know,” your voice sent a jolt through his chest.

“Didn’t think you would pick up.” He laughed humourlessly, realizing in all the fake conversations he had with you in his head he never really was prepared.

“I can hang up if you wan –”

“No,” he spoke quickly. “Sorry I just…” I love you. “I just want to talk to you, need to talk to you.”

You remained silent on the other end. “Can we meet? I can come over are we can get coffee or anything, up to you, I just need to see you.”

You were silent again, and he needed to check his phone to make sure the call was still ongoing. “I can be at yours in 15.”

His heart flipped. “Yes, that’s perfect. I – yes, see you soon.”

It was probably the longest fifteen minutes of his life. He spent it pacing around his place, trying to tidy up but ultimately not getting anything done. By the ten minute mark he was sure you weren’t coming, but right on time you were pulling that beat up red car into his driveway.

The sight of you was making him flush. Seeing you in his space, in his company like nothing had ever changed.

“How are you?” He could hear the nerves in his own voice.

“Fine,” the word was muttered, as you tentatively sat down on his couch. The very spot he had first kissed you, he realized.

“Can I get you anything?”

“No, Harry, I’m not here to chit chat.”

He nodded, knowing you were right and sat far across from you on the couch, watching as you hugged your knees to your chest.

“I know, I –” he looked down at his hands, fiddling with his rings. “I miss you. And I’m really sorry for everything, for the way I handled everything.”

You looked up at him at his words, fidgeting with your sleeves. “I miss you too.”

“I really… I really fucked up and losing you was the last thing I wanted.” He needed to look away from you. “You were right, about us. We shouldn’t – I shouldn’t have let things get to be the way they did.”

“What do you mean?” Your voice was small, calculated.

“I mean… I was being selfish. I – fuck I wanted more and I was being selfish with you.”

He tried to gage your reaction, but just like last time he wasn’t able to read your expression. “When you asked me what we were doing, when you said all that I panicked. Thought you might try and end things, I was too in my ass about my feelings I just… fucked up.”

“You wanted more?”

“I did – I do.”

You were quiet, too quiet. After a moment in silence, you suddenly stood. “I have to go to the washroom.”

He could only nod, standing as well as he watched you disappear behind the door. Grabbing himself a glass of water, having no idea what you were thinking in this moment. He was wrong before, when he thought that those fifteen minutes were the longest of his life. This moment right now seemed to last so much longer.

You finally reappeared a couple minutes later, joining him in the kitchen but still standing at a distance. He had no idea what to say, he wished for you to say something, anything.

“You kept all my things.”

“What?”

You pointed to the bathroom behind you. “All my things, my toothbrush my shampoo… figured you’d throw them out.”

He smiled a weak smile. “Would never. Can’t bring myself to. Plus, you know I love the smell of your shampoo.”

“I’m sorry I left that day.” You were fiddling with the sleeves of your shirt again.

“Don’t be, I was a dick. I didn’t know … I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. Couldn’t get my shit together. I just didn’t want to lose you.”

As you nodded, he was relieved to see your expression start softening a bit.

“I need you in my life, in any capacity. If you need time I get it, but I just can’t… I need to know you’ll be in my life.”

You were worrying your lip, slowly nodding as you took in his words. “I shouldn’t have pushed you that day. I was trying to… it wasn’t fair of me.”

“Stop apologizing darling,” he liked the way the pet name rolled off his tongue again. The two of you stood in silence for a moment again.

“I wanted more too.” Nearly giving himself whiplash for how quickly he snapped his head towards you at your words. You weren’t looking at him, eyes dropped down to where your hands tapped nervously against the counter.

“I – you did?”

You only nodded, watching as you twirled your ring around your finger.

“Never said anything…”

Glancing up at him finally, crossing your arms over your chest. “Well…neither did you. Plus, I thought I was, I don’t know, making it obvious. Spending nearly every night here and all… I was sort of trying to bring it up that day we fought.”

“Truly fucked that up, didn’t I?” He rubbed his hand over his forehead, pushing his hair up. You only hummed, and his heart nearly soared when you saw the corner of your lips twitch in a smile.

He couldn’t help the smile starting to build on his lips either, trying to swallow down his anxiety before asking you what he wanted to. “Do you still?”

“Do I still what?” You were really making him say it.

“Do you still… want more. With me.” He watched you intently, watched your eyes flick away from his; to your hands to the counter and around the room, before meeting his own again.

“Well… came over, didn’t I?”

Heat rushed through his body as he processed your words. “Is that a yes?” His words were a rush of a breath. He found himself walking across the kitchen towards you until he was standing in front of you, keeping a gap but still being the closest he’d been to you all night.

“Yes.” Every nerve in his body urged to jump forward towards you at your whispered word, but he held himself back.

“Good,” his voice matched yours: quiet, breathless.

He wanted to pull you in his arms, to push you against the counter leaving no room between the two of you but he also didn’t want to assume you’d jump right into it; maybe you’d want a bit of time, maybe you were still mad –

Any second thought flew out of his mind when the light touch of your fingertips met his neck, pulling yourself closer to him. His own hand instinctively wrapped around your waist, other hand sliding to your cheek, fitting with you like nothing ever changed.

Mouth quickly met his, and it was like kissing you for the first time all over again. You were still just as warm against him, still smelt like the shampoo that you left in his shower.

Your lips were light against his at first, a ghost of a touch as you pressed yourself against him and bunched the collar of his shirt in a fist. His hand on your cheek moved to tilt your head up to him slightly, as he held you tight against him not wanting you to ever leave.

A small sigh left your lips as he took a step forward, pushing lightly back to trap you between the counter and himself. Kiss quickly deepening as you let him taste deeper into your mouth, wandering hands pushing up under your shirt.

You were tugging at his hair as he pulled small whines from the back of your throat, gripping your thigh tightly as he helped you sit up on the counter. Mouth leaving yours with a pant, he reveled in the way you hooked your legs around him to keep him against you.

“Missed you,” he kissed the corner of your mouth. “So,” lips moved down your jaw. “Fucking much.”

He loved the sigh you made at his words; he loved every sound you made. Resting his forehead on yours for a moment, lips barely brushing. “You’re so warm darling. Missed kissing you, missed being with you.”

“Me too,” you whispered, pecking a small kiss to his mouth.

“I get to be with you, right?”

“Yes,” his heart soared at the single word. He was enamoured with the smile that took over your face. “Might still be a bit mad a you though.”

His smile matched yours, pressing a sweet kiss to the corner of your mouth. “Sounds like I have some making up to do.”

[wyn-n-tonic]

Golden, Like Daylight -- Part V

Word Count: 2,005 Warnings: PTSD. Allusions to sex (it borders on the edge of smut but we should know by now I'm shit at that). Hint of a praise kink. Bit of marking kink. Death. Ben Affleck. Author's Note: The last few chapters have taken a lot out of me, I put a lot of my own experiences with PTSD and mental health into them. I tried to make this fluffy, I needed that comfort after a hard week and I feel lighter for it. As always, thank you so much for your kind words and loving this like I do.

MASTERLIST | PART: I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX

“Fuck you.” Benny stares straight into Tom’s eyes. "This is my fuck you money.” The held breaths are louder than gunshots, waiting for a reaction that doesn’t come.

Cold Camp Davis grunts a laugh, “We don’t have enough men to carry all this money so we might as well be warm.”

Benny giggles like a child as he grabs a strap, zippo clicking to ignition again.

The laughter that bubbles up is like a light, warmer than the thousands of dollars burning bright against his eyes.

Frankie, you might as well take your salary out on the front lawn and pour some kerosene on it.

He hears it so clearly in his head and in his heart, Leah teasing him for all the lights being on the first time he took her home.

Tom stands up, dumping an entire case down to tinder in the cold air.

Eight dates in and she’d already witnessed one of his attacks. It was the third date, he’d wanted to take her home that night. His body on hers for hours. Wanted to make breakfast the next morning, having already committed to memory the way she takes her coffee. Instead, she spent that night holding tightly to his hands as his panic crescendoed in the backseat of his car.

If it wasn’t then that he realized he loved her, it was in the way she turned to look at him when he quietly said,

The lights being on make me feel safe.

It wasn’t pity, like he’s used to. It wasn’t the look somebody gives a broken man with a broken mind and a broken soul. The only change he found in the already soft features was an understanding behind the dark eyes staring back at him.

This fire makes him feel safe now.

He’s always straining in the dark. It’s not just about watching his six. It’s all twelve hands on deck with two eyes and a ringing in his ears so intense he can feel it in his toes.

But here? It beats back against the edges of gloom that have continuously threatened to consume him.

He can sweep enclosed spaces in minutes, assess the situation and the danger within. It’s a lot harder in the extended wilds, nothing but the moon to guide the eye.

Before Leah—and for a while there after—he combed room for room upon his arrival home. He’d ask her to stay in the car, his conceal carry coming out as soon as the door would swing open.

He’d sheepishly grin, collecting her from the passenger side after his survey and she’d hug him. Holding tightly around his middle section, pressing her cold hands up under his shirt to that hot place where his heart beats and whisper with genuine gratitude,

Thank you for protecting me, Frankie.

It was never condescending, that’s all he ever wanted to do. Protect her. Protect himself. Protect the men giggling like schoolboys around him right now.

And he liked being told what a good job he did at that. —————

“What's Frankie short for?” Barely audible, her breath fanning across his chest as she continues to catch it. Like willing waves of normalcy in the aftermath of a hurricane.

“Francisco.”

“Francisco,” she repeats, dragging out the o. “Do you like it?”

“Used to make me feel like I was in trouble, very harsh coming from pissed off higher ups and even angrier parents but it sounds…” he thinks on that for a second, the events of the night still rippling through his body, “a lot sweeter in your mouth.”

“Watch yourself,” she hums a kiss into the flat plane of his breast before sinking her teeth into the flesh there, biting as hard as she can.

A chuckle vibrates from deep within him, “one hell of a bite too, I won’t soon forget.”

He looks down into her eyes, bright with mischief as she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth now. He’d had hickeys before but never like this. He surveys the purple marks across his body, somehow burning brighter than the rest of him, and a contentedness pools in the pit of his stomach. Her stamps on him in easily hidden spaces to match the lipstick stains she’s started marking across his right cheek in the moments before they walk into the bar or the restaurant.

Little ways she says mine.

And he is hers. He knows it in the steady way his lungs rise and fall underneath her now.

He brushes a soft wave from where it tickles across her nose, “is Leah short for anything?”

Her nose scrunches, “not a goddamn thing.”

“Do you know what it means then?” His large hand is sprawled across her lower back, the weight of it an anchor.

Don’t leave me, it says.

“I don’t know,” she drawls, the slight twang coming forward in moments of exhaustion and inebriation, “just think my mama liked the sound of it is all.”

His heart is blazing underneath her cheek as she settles against him once more, her soft voice tumbles towards him, “Francisco…” as her eyelashes brush against his skin and he swears he can count them all on sensation alone.

“Yeah, baby?”

He feels a smile tug at her lips, stopped in its tracks where she’s rooted into him. It’s the first time he’s called her that.

“I have nightlights.”

The light makes her feel safe too. —————

He’s standing over Tom’s body and he hates to admit it but the feeling washing over him is one of relief.

Relief mingled with guilt.

Guilt that nobody was watching his six, his back wide open to the world behind it. Five seasoned fucking veterans and nobody watching the higher ground.

Relief at the silence he knows will engulf the group now. No more orders from a child who should’ve never been granted the lead to begin with.

Guilt because he was climbing up a fucking rock when he should’ve been doing his job as a friend and brother.

Relief that it wasn’t his brains splashed across stone.

His head is fucking pounding and it has been for days, pain dulled by consistency but never not there.

At least I can feel my fucking head.

He thinks of all the other things he can feel now, the things service beat from his body.

The ache in his limbs, heavy with exhaustion.

He’s dreading adding the dead weight of a dead body to the load.

The pang in his stomach, too used to consistently hot food.

He wants black coffee and bacon and tiny spoonfuls of sweet potato puree he airplanes into his own mouth to show Luna it won’t hurt her. Hell, he’d take the mushed peas right now.

Benny’s sobbing. The one amongst them all that never breaks is the broken one now.

He’s staring off again at everything and nothing, Santiago and Will unfurling bags for the body.

What a present to bring home.

It was always the risk they faced, they knew it.

If you were lucky, truly lucky, you came home whole. Untouched, unscathed, unmarred. The safe deployments, the technical shit, the brains behind the operations never seeing bloodshed. Everybody else though? Some were held together by duct tape and pure grit.

Others tied up in a flag with a bow.

Daddy’s not coming home but here’s a purple heart for the dress uniform he’ll never wear again.

I should’ve done more.

He’s not getting a purple heart for this.

I should’ve held on tighter.

He didn’t die in service to his country, he died in service to himself.

I should’ve made a bigger issue of the weight.

Another family he’s failed to protect.

I should’ve said no. —————

The darkness is cut through with a warm glow in every outlet as the clock tips over the edge of midnight.

Wednesday, the eleventh of October.

Nose to nose, the excitement of the day hangs over them like a wave threatening to crash. A giddiness in their bed forcing sleep to the edges of thought.

“Do you think they’re gonna know?” Her voice is soft, featherlight. Trying not to disturb the peaceful bubble they find themselves in now.

“No,” he lifts to press his lips gently into hers, “but I can’t promise I won’t shout it out on the altar.”

Panic takes her eyes, he knows it all too well and he’s gripping tighter before she can inhale. Fingers splayed across the small of her back, the weight of it a comfort to the tender bones and aching muscles.

I'm right here, it says.

“Breathe, breathe,” he’s speaking softly into her hair, “it was just a joke, baby.”

“You're not funny, Francisco Morales.” She speaks it like a fact, like she doesn’t spend hours in his arms filling his head with the music of her laughter. She says it like he isn’t watching smile lines appear in real time, falling more in love with each one.

“Would it be so bad though? If I did? If people knew?” It’s hope in his voice that she’ll say yes. That he can announce to his best friends all at once, every single one, before Santi leaves again. He doesn't want his happiness to arrive by text message. He wants to see the light of congratulation dancing around him.

“I don’t want to jinx it,” she’s scared, “besides… it’s not traditional.”

He scoffs, “what about us has ever been traditional, mi alma?”

“I'll make you a deal,” her fingers run through the stubble along his jaw, thumbs lingering over the patches, “don’t shave this tomorrow and you can tell the boys.”

“You want me to keep this malnourished shit on my face? For our wedding?”

Her giggles vibrate against him, “Yes. I have plans for it after you say I do.”

He growls, “this deal sounds pretty sweet to my lazy soul, what do you get out of it?”

“Hmm…” she brings her hand up to tap on her chin, “well, to begin, I’m getting a hot husba—”

“Debatable.”

“I'll fuck you up, Morales, take the compliment.”

He laughs a kiss into her, “what else?”

“Benny and Will will become automatic attack dogs around me, I’m fairly certain they will clear their schedules for all of April to stand guard outside the room. My own personal security team.”

He laughs again at the truth in her words, “what else?”

She pushes forward again, taking his lip between hers. A soft kiss with the burning desire for more.

“I’ll wake up on Thursday morning with a rawness between my legs that I’m usually only gifted on the weekends.”

His grip tightens, any suggestion of sleep leaving his body in a rush of blood straight through him, “I will never shave again.”

“Don't threaten me with a good time, my love.”

He rolls himself into her at that, kissing down her jaw. Her neck. The sensitive skin of her breasts, low lying cotton barely above indecency. He raises the hem, the curve of her belly burning hot against his lips, two hearts now beating inside her.

He grabs the elastic around her hips and gently pulls, kisses so soft across her pelvis they feign an innocence to his true intentions. Her legs kick out to help discard the fabric tangling her ankles as he settles broad shoulders at the base of her being.

Her fingers twirl through the soft curls that have been crushed against a pillow for hours by her side.

He kisses her soft thighs, slowly dragging his rough cheek against the delicate flesh.

“Francisco,” her fingers flex tighter as he looks up to meet her eyes, “don’t be such a fucking tease.”

He smiles wide, the devilish grin splitting his face as he drops his eyes to where she wants him, the fever that’s taken over her body in the last three months beckoning him in.

His hands are heavy on her hips, clenching deep purple into her. Marks in easily hidden spaces, his little ways of saying mine.

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