#i was exhausted and nauseous and lost my period for 3 months after the second dose of the vaccine and then got covid lolz

[314]

when they bring all of these covid restrictions back are y'all gonna wear masks and get vaccinated again?

[udnursingsa2019]

Final Blog

As I sit on the plane at 4AM eating my Aero bar (a South African delicacy), tiny moments of the last five weeks keep popping into my head. I think about entering JFK airport feeling nauseous and anxious about leaving the country for so long, seeing familiar faces but not having a clue if I would become close friends with any of them. I think about arriving to the Team House at Noordhoek and being greeted with Jeremy’s speech — he told us we could not save Africa but if we could make a difference in one person’s life, we are doing something worthwhile. I think about being apprehensive for the first clinic day expecting to feel a little lost, until I realized the sisters are some of the kindest people ever and are so willing to teach/ask for help at the same time. I think about the look of pure joy on a group of teenage girls’ faces after some peers and I taught sex/relationship-education at school — they’d always had the questions but never had the opportunity to talk to someone to get the answers, and seeing that we made some of that difference makes my heart warm. And I think about the town Soweto, and a celebration between two different cultures as we sat in a circle with local adults and had a productive conversation about the effects of apartheid and global politics, and afterwards we had a dance party. It’s that “connected” feeling that makes me think we have been making positive impacts on the people we’ve met because the people of South Africa have absolutely touched our hearts forever. Many of them live by the phrase “Ubuntu” which means “I am because we are” — they learned it from the animals who work together as packs — I think that just shows the full circle of how Africa is the one of the best places on earth.

Our last night was difficult but cathartic and necessary. After our last delicious safari dinner we all went around in a circle and stated our roses (our favorite parts of the trip), our thorns (least favorite) and our buds (what we can grow from). Many of the roses included the community days where we bonded with people of all ages and helped out in schools or kitchens/workshops, such as the reusable pads training day where we got to work together with so many women. Others mentioned the Soweto township day or their best experience in clinical (like when Carly V. and Sara delivered a baby and placenta!), and some mentioned their favorite excursions like skydiving. Thorns were when things got emotional — sometimes it’d be something funny like treacherously hiking Table Mountain or getting a stomach bug, but others rightfully wanted to let out emotions about something they’d seen in clinical that they wish they could’ve done more for, such as the group that experienced the death of a preterm baby born at home who probably would have lived if the clinic had the appropriate resources. Other thorns included the guilt we feel when we realize how privileged many of our lives are, and the overwhelming lack of knowing what to do in response when we see how many people need help. I believe this trip made many of us second-guess our career choices and what we want to make of our lives; for certain this trip has inspired lots of us to give back more and if we can’t go back to Africa and help the people there, there are ways we can help at home. Many of us turned our thorns into buds because lots of the bad things we experience are ways to make us grow. But lots of us also mentioned for buds the friends we have made and just the beauty of the world and all the people in it, as we have seen the strength in the people of South Africa as well as the strength in each other. I have made lots of new friendships that I have no doubt will last throughout our last semester and post-graduation. Though we’re a group with a bunch of different personality traits, we bring out the best in each other and have such a fun dynamic that never gets old — I can’t count the amount of long car rides and late nights (even though we would wake up at the crack of dawn almost every day) spent talking and laughing for hours on end with my new friends. It really is so special to have these meaningful bonds during our last year as nursing students, because we need each other!

There are many people worthy of “thank you’s” and I will start with ourselves, because we were the ones who decided to apply to go to South Africa and had the courage to actually go through with it, and for me it was the best decision I’ve ever made. Thank you to my peers for making this trip so meaningful and unforgettable, through all the laughs and tears. I really am so proud of everyone for making this the best experience possible and constantly lifting each other up. And I’d also like to thank my parents and all the other parents who allowed us to go on the trip (we know it wasn’t easy) and helped out with some expenses.

I’d like to give a shout-out to our drivers, Roy and Sibusisu, who turned out to be more than drivers — they became friends. We will miss Roy’s sarcastic sense of humor and charm, and we’ll miss Sibu’s quiet, sweet presence. They are two of the most hardworking men and seriously deserve a medal for boundlessly dealing with 30 21-year-old girls!

Rowan and Bari have also been blessings to us — we wouldn’t have survived the trip if it weren’t for their constant direction, reliability and support. Rowan made sure everything went smoothly at all times and was in a tough position to be TA as a senior; we give her lots of credit for all she could help us with through her L&D/cultural knowledge and experience. Bari has been an inspiration to all of us, as she’s lived, worked and volunteered in South Africa before and we can see first-hand how wonderful of a human being she is/has become through her experiences. So thank you guys!

Lisa — thank you for making this trip happen and for being willing to take so many of us — I know it’s not easy to lug 30 students to another continent. I give you so much praise for making this trip happen year after year, building upon what you’ve learned from past trips but always introducing new ideas. You have always been someone we can look up to and this trip further proved how you truly inspire us to be the people/nurses that we want to be — not what a structured nursing program/basic American society tells us to be. You’ve taught us to follow our guts and our dreams and that life is too short to only do one kind of job in a place we don’t feel we’re thriving. You also have successfully spread the word about Mother Nature and natural childbirth — I would trust any of us to teach about or facilitate a physiologic birth and it’s all thanks to you.

And last but not least, thank you to Jeremy. When I met Jeremy, I had heard good things and he seemed nice and cool and funny, but I didn’t really think anything would come of him being there besides being our tour guide. But he was so much more than that. He became a close friend to many of us. He worked towards making this trip a life-changing, monumental experience for everyone. If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be able to dig deeper and work to find the meaningful takeaways behind all the experiences we’ve had. He encouraged the group to really spend time together and support each other, because he knew we’d need it. He was a shoulder to cry on when we had a hard day, and a person to run to when we had a funny story because his laugh can just make our day. His life story and his presence are so uplifting that he’s touched each and every one of us and has inspired us all to be ourselves, make good choices that build our ultimate destiny, and cut out all negativity. Thank you for making us all better people, Jer. We truly will never forget you and can’t wait for you to come to the U.S. one day.

Now we’re all exhausted with puffy eyes from crying either last night or at the airport saying bye to Jeremy, but we’re excited to see our families.....and not quite ready to go to school in just a few days. Luckily we have a whole group of us to lift one another up during this period of post-study-abroad depression, but after a few weeks our lives will probably return to normal. So we must continue for weeks, months, years down the road to remember what it felt like to be in Africa, reflect upon the connections we built, and never forget the lessons we learned. We’re back in America, but Africa has never left us.

-       Annie Sienrukos <3 

[ktwrites]

First Lines Meme

RULES: List the openings of the last ten stories you published (or however many you’ve published). Look to see if there are any patterns that you notice yourself, and see if anyone else notices any! Then tag some friends. 

Thanks for the tag @thescarletgarden1990!

1. We Rule Together

 “What are you thinking?” Jon asked as he pressed a kiss to Dany’s bare shoulder.

 They lay together in the bed in her rooms within Winterfell’s Great Keep, buried beneath the bed clothes and heavy furs. He had dozed after they made love and when he awoke he felt somewhat disoriented. It did not take him long to remember knocking on her door that night and her opening it up to him, silently granting him entry into her chambers and shutting the rest of the world out behind him. For over a fortnight they had scarcely said a word to one another, outside of council meetings, after Bran revealed Jon’s true parentage and Daenerys had discovered she was with child.

 “You’re awake,” Dany observed, glancing over her shoulder.

 “Aye,” he nodded, giving her a sheepish smile. He had spent many a sleepless night since they arrived at Winterfell, since the simple world they created for themselves had come crashing down about them, and their lovemaking had left him sapped of his strength.

2. You’re the Right Kind of Madness

The caves of Dragonstone were deep and dark, but he had a torch and they had been inside them dozens upon dozens of times. Each time, the cavernous enormity amazed her just as it had the very first time they had explored it together. It was a special place to them. They could be alone there, away from even the Queensguard who seemed to follow them about like pups.

3. Uncharted

Dany shut off the faucet and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She hoped the sound of the shower had drowned out the sound she was making as she heaved the contents of her stomach into the toilet. For the third morning in a row…  

“What’s wrong with you?” She muttered aloud, chancing a glance at her pale reflection in the mirror.

You know what’s wrong, she thought. She had the symptoms, it was true. Sick in the morning, her period was late, beyond tender breasts that seemed slightly larger, but none of that should have mattered. It simply wasn’t possible. The doctor had told her as much when she was in high school. She had told Jon there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in Dorne that she could get pregnant. Surprisingly, he hadn’t cared. It was the reason they hadn’t bothered with condoms and why she wasn’t even on the pill. And yet...all the signs were presenting themselves. There was a chance she was pregnant. This was wholly uncharted territory.

4. His Old Shirt

She was up before Jon. Of course. Dany always had a hard time sleeping the first night in a strange bed. That fact, together with visiting Jon’s family in his childhood home for the first time was more than enough to make her toss and turn. Now that she was awake, her stomach felt faintly nauseous. She couldn’t say the same for her fiance. Jon was still blissfully asleep.

5. Love’s Labors Lost

Daenerys lay on a borrowed bed and wept until her eyes were dry and her cheeks were tear-stained. She had tried to sleep, to follow the Maester’s orders to rest, but every time she closed her eyes she could not help but recall the events of the day. Her mind raced, her body hurt, and her heart ached. She wanted Jon by her side. She tried to keep her mind busy with attempting to figure out how long it would take a raven to fly from Casterly Rock to King’s Landing and how long it would take Rhaegal to make the journey.

6. Dragonriders

“No!”  Dany said looking up from her desk to where her husband stood in front of her.

“Why not?” he questioned.

“I told you before, she’s still too young.”

“She is not. Aemon was four when he first rode Drogon with you.”

“That’s different.”

“It is not,” Jon tried to reason, placing his palms flat on the desk as he leaned close to her. “And you know it.”

“What if something were to happen to her? She’s so small.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust me, my love?”

7. Papa’s Special Day

 “Ma...ma! Mama!” Aemon babled as Daenerys lifted him from his cradle. He’d be a year old in just over a month and he was already starting to outgrow his first bed.

 “Good morning, my love,” she cooed and kissed his silver-blonde hair. It was starting to form loose ringlets the longer it grew.      Just like your Papa’s,    she mused. He was hungry, she knew, as she sat down in the rocking chair by the large open window that overlooked the Gullet. It was just before the hour of the nightengale and the sun through the east-facing window was just peeking up over the horizon. Dany sighed as her son suckled at her breast, knowing that soon he would be too old and she would lose the quiet time alone with him. She had turned more than one head when she insisted on nursing him herself. It was not something queens did, she was told, but Daenerys Targaryen was no ordinary woman and she would be no ordinary queen either.

8. What’s in a Name

 “Papa, am I named for Aemon the Dragonknight?” Jon’s oldest son asked him as he tucked the boy into bed.

 It had been a long exhausting day, but a joyful one as Daenerys had brought his second son, Eddard into the world. Both mother and child were asleep, at least for the time being, and the duty of putting the two eldest Targaryen children to bed fell solely to Jon. Most nights, Dany and Jon would see their children to bed together. It was a simple, but something the queen insisted on. She might be the most powerful woman in the Seven Kingdoms, but she always made time for her family first and foremost. It was something Jon loved her even more for. Neither one of them had grown up ever feeling like they truly belonged to a family. Now that they had their hearts desires they took nothing for granted.

9. The White Raven

Daenerys blinked open her eyes and shivered in annoyance. It felt like she had finally just fallen asleep after tossing and turning for hour after uncomfortable hour. Sunlight was already seeping through the curtains, but she hoped she could still steal at least another hour of much needed rest. Both Sam and the midwife had confirmed that her third child would be born within the next two weeks, but Dany wished the child was already there. 

10. The First Time I Saw Your Face

“There you are,” Jon said, walking into Aemon’s bedchamber. His nearly two-year-old son was fast asleep against his mother’s chest.

“Looking for me?” Daenerys asked, her voice hushed as she ran her fingers through her son’s silver-blonde curls and rocked gently in her chair.

Conclusions:

I like to open with dialogue. Not ALL the time, but oftentimes I really like to “jump” into the action because many of my fics are sort of a look into the Jonerys family. Speaking of which...I LOVE TARGLINGS. Little Targlings, Grown up Targlings, you name it. I love the Jonerys Family.

tagging: @too-much-jonerys @tomakeitbeautifultolive @muttpeeta and @thesparkles59 If you’ve got time to waste and you want to do this.

[mentalhorticulture]

How It Began - Now

Well, I figure if I’m going to keep recording my experiences on here, I should probably establish my Origin Story of my bullshit experience with this illness.

After moving back to my hometown to help take care of my mother in September of 2017, I started working a new job and moving into my new place. One morning I woke up and was extremely dizzy. I felt like I was wasted or had a horrible hangover. I shrugged it off for a bit, thinking that maybe it was the stress from all of the commotion, but as I was starting to get settled into my new job while managing the dizziness, I would have episodic periods of feeling extremely lightheaded, nauseous, and like I could not think or stand or see straight. During my first week, I left in the middle of the day and called my mother to come pick me up, since I did not trust myself driving. We called the doctor and I saw a PA in the office who told me I either have Lyme or a viral ear infection. They did a full blood work-up, including 6 tests for Lyme, and nothing came back positive. He told me it was probably a viral ear infection, and that it would just go away on its own. I struggled for almost a month before it fizzled out and I shrugged it off, thinking it must have been an ear infection.

Then around Valentine’s Day, I had to make a long drive to pick up my partner who was attending school at the time, and go visit where we used to live to see friends and go to a concert. The morning I had to leave, I woke up, and the dizziness was back. I was so mad, but I had to keep going. I worked all day, left work, drove all night to pick up my partner and go to the concert. I was weak and dizzy, but eager to see my loved ones. I had a beer at the concert, but could not stay out dancing or drinking like I usually would have done if I were feeling better. The next morning I woke up and the vertigo/dizziness was all consuming. I was so nauseous, and could not lift my head up. I fell multiple times as I was trying to get dressed or go to the bathroom. I eventually ended up in what I can only describe as a “gravity vortex” where I cannot do anything except lie flat on the ground and feel like I am getting sucked into the floor. I can’t move my head, arms, legs, and I can barely speak. After a while we decided that I should not drive back, and my partner had to cancel class the next day to drive me home.

Every day, the dizziness, light&sound sensitivity, confusion, fatigue, floaters, disorientation, EXHAUSTION, etc. etc. etc. continued until I decided to call my doc again. I was getting lost on my way to work. I was mixing up words. I was passing out on the floor whenever I exerted any amount of extra energy. I was fucked up. I saw the same PA as before, and he told me I must have been taking too many supplements (I told him I wasn’t taking any), and that all my blood work was clear, so it must be something in my environment that I am ingesting. He rolled his eyes and said, “If you really want to, you can go see an ENT, but I would just keep a journal of what you’ve been doing/ingesting.” The next day I called back and got a referral to an ENT. 

My ENT was great! Super informative and wonderful. Gave me a bunch of options of what it could be and was my first beacon of hope. Maybe it was just a bunch of lose crystals in my inner ear! Maybe all I would need is an MRI to confirm that and some physical therapy and I’m golden! Maybe it’s a vestibular tumor, but who knows! Alright, let’s get this MRI done, STAT then!

Well, my inner ear was crystal clear, but the nurse called me back and said,

“You don’t have anything in your inner ear, but you do have 6 non-distinct white matter lesions. With someone of your age, this is usually indicative of Multiple Sclerosis. We are referring you to a neurologist, STAT.”

I have family members with MS. They are both quadriplegics, one was bedridden, and the other operates her motor chair with her mouth. I knew what MS looked like. I was on lunch at work, went into the next room, closed the door, and asked the nurse to repeat everything back to me on the report again. I hung up the phone, went outside, drove to Hannaford for some reason, and had a massive breakdown in the parking lot.

Fast forward, the neurologist dicks me around and decides my MRI is not urgent enough to be seen right away, because my lesions are benign. I see my neurologist two months later, and he says the same thing to me he had his nurse tell me over the phone. “Could be migraines. Could be MS. Does it look like MS? Not necessarily. Could it be? Yes.” And proceeded to order another MRI of my brain and cervical spine WITH contrast this time to see if there is any new inflammation. However, their office is so backed up, that I can’t get an MRI for another month. So, I just got my second MRI (first with contrast) this past Monday, June 18th... after experiencing a relapse of all of this bullshit since February. It has been nothing short of maddening.

IF this MRI shows any changes from the last one, it is possible that I can be diagnosed with MS without a spinal tap, which would simultaneously be horrible and a relief.

I fucking hate being in this state of limbo.

I fucking hate not knowing if it’s migraines, Lyme, some fucked up autoimmune, etc. etc. or Multiple Sclerosis.

For now, they’re just throwing meds at me and seeing which ones work. I’m on Meclizine and Diazepam for the dizziness, and they started me on Topamax (some sort of GABA inhibitor/anticonvulsant, I believe), but had to immediately take me off of it since it was quite literally making me lose my mind. Now I’m on Nortriptyline as a maintenance med (an SSRI), which has been giving me some relief. I have also started reading The Wahls Protocol, and have been adhering to a nutrient-dense paleo&keto diet, which has also been pretty helpful. Moreso than the meds at this point, actually.

Right now, my dizziness level has subsided to about a 2 or 3 daily, my confusion/focus issues are waining, my fatigue is improving, but NOW my muscles are fucking with me. It’s hard to carry my laptop bag from the car to my office - my shoulder starts to give out. My back is in a constant muscle spasm. My arms and legs get extremely tired and crampy by the end of the day. And, at times, my feet and fingers go numb or burn, like I have just touched a hot stove.

My neuro never made a follow up appointment, but I see my primary on Monday. Perhaps I will have more direction then. Maybe my MRIs will have answers for me. Just maybe.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

22/05/20

1 year and 2 months. it took me 14 months before i broke all kinds of self defences and decided to seek refuge here. i love being at home, i really do. i dont have to force myself to talk to people, dont have to get tempted by food outside, dont have to exhaust my emotions, i dont have to put on makeup, i dont have to think of what to wear and regret it later for looking too fat and ugly, dont have to disappoint anyone and dont have to feel disappointed by anyone. 

but being at home starts to feel overwhelming at some point. its not that i crave physical interaction or that i miss my friends (do i have any, really?), or the boi for that matter — i just get really afraid of myself. you see, once i start sitting down with myself, i dont ever get up. 

i dont even know where to start... is life falling apart? not really. yes, we’re living in the middle of a pandemic. but i am blessed alhamdulillah to have a roof over my head, for my family members and for a s/o. but this period of being at home and everyone having so much time on their hands... really puts certain things into perspective. for instance, with so much time everyone has to offer now that we’re all confined to the comforts of our own four walls, how come not a single soul that i once called my friends have reached out. yes! i had 3 so far... in the span of 2 months. that’s a great feat, i aint gonna deny. but you see, the people i thought who could give 2 shits abt apparently rather give 2 shits to other people instead. so that makes me think — where do i stand in your life? how do i emerge from this quarantine and what do i make of our relationships after this? pretend like we totally know whats happening in each other’s lives via superficial and menial social media updates that you selectively show after having retaking them 100s of times or do i act all weird bec literally, i do not know whats happening to who anymore. this is simply bec im not talking to anyone. if i dont initiate a conversation, no one comes to me. im really not that interesting of a friend and not that exciting to have me around. i just float and exist... hence my insignificance in their lives. at one point, i guess it was just out of convenience that we were friends. & now due to circumstantial factors, it is not convenient or important having me around anymore.

yes i do have friends. yes we havent spoken in months. on some days though... i get really glad that my social circle has reduced to almost nothing. but on some days... i realise that im just not that strong after all. i want to be ok, i want to learn how to be ok. but how do i? how do i come to terms with the fact that either im a girl who turned all her friends away from her bec she thought she was too good for them or that her world too accelerated too quickly to revolve around her boyfriend that now she forgot how having friends ever felt like.

the people whom i thought literally saw me grew up are now too busy mingling amongst themselves and themselves only. they do make the effort to send one text message in 6 months... but the lack of sincerity is more than just apparent. there is 0 effort to even keep the conversation going and no matter how hard i once tried, i cant find it in me to be as giving anymore. 

to my best friend that i lost, im just taking things in my stride. every single day you never fail to exhibit the love you’re constantly being showered with (without me in your life anymore). im happy that you’re in a place where you get to shine in the spotlight given and that your circle of friends has expanded to one that drowns me out. maybe im also too exhausted and found myself to be too demanding for you to fit me anywhere in your life anymore. im just a puzzle piece that was forcing to fit till early this year. maybe now i really am prepared to want to let it all go.

i lost a workplace buddy recently. as much as i know that maybe this is for the better of him, a part of me still wishes we could maintain the same co-worker relationship and we can keep this friendship going. we have too many similarities and interests and it hurts to know that things will never be the same again. i have teared about it but i think one day these feelings are going to come charging at me in full force that it might be too late to calm those emotions down by then.

this quarantine period has also cost me lots of fights in my family. every single day i urge myself to keep the anger down and not get so agitated but i still fail. i disappoint myself time and again. i dont know how to fix this, neither do i see the light at the end of the tunnel for this. the ability to be so fucking patient with the useless beings i deal with at work and the inability of me being tolerant of my closest and most loved ones, appalls me the most. i am the biggest hypocrite i know. i fought with my beloved grandma. i was planning to check in on her but i never did and before i knew, she ended up in the hospital and i found myself sinking in knee-dip into a bottomless pit i knew i was sooner or later, doomed for.

the holy month is about to come to an end and i see people achieving milestones in their life as they close this chapter but this year feels just about the same as another. and i only have myself to blame and hate for it. i could have done so much more. coulda started on the quran, coulda been more consistent, coulda been more committed but i let it all slip in front of me and before i know it, it’s too late to do anything about it anymore. i am my biggest disappointment. i only seek for your forgiveness la Ya Allah.

i have no qualms about the person i call my partner. but having an anxiety attack all bec of him... it has truly been a long while. i wanna blame it on the period. i wanna blame it on the fact that i have too much time and too many emotions too feel, too sensitive. i wanna blame it on his lack of awareness for his surroundings and the people around him. i wanna blame it on his immaturity and ego. but i think we all know, it is ultimately just me. the same issues... over and over again. is it a lack of interest or understanding? i sincerely wonder. i want to work this out, but it gets really hard. sometimes i just want us to stop hurting. how is it that we dont get by a week without fighting? how is it that you still have issues understanding me why i get hurt even after repeatedly explaining myself? how is it that you still talk in a way that annoys the fuck out of me sometimes? i know you dont mean it. but are you really that wrapped up in your head to not notice all these things? everything’s either a fucking joke or too complicated for your brain to even process. i dont wish to make the situation bigger than what it is, but i never felt truly at peace at emptying my emotions to you. when was the last time you were keen about me and my mental health? then again, not everything is about me. and you didnt seem to understand so i backed off. i dont want to find fault in a situation that you dont want to help yourself in. why is that you can bear to part hours of your day to game but not spare 10 minutes of your time to ask me how im feeling lately. or spend 10 minutes of your time looking up what anxiety really is. i tell you im fine and you really think im fucking fine. if that was really all it took to cure my fucking anxiety m8... i’d be bloody Gandhi by now. i want to give all my love to you. but at times i cant even be truly happy for people by my side, sometimes i feel like i still have a lot more to learn before i deserve true happiness in my life. you dont always have the best words to say, but i know you do try. 

i started working out but i still dont like what i see. the more time i spend at home, the less i want to see myself in the mirror. its been 2 weeks and my arms are still so fucking flabby,,, my thighs are gigantic it can choke and the rolls on my tummy makes me nauseous. i pray to God seeking for strength every single day but i still cant find it in me to want to embrace the now me to pursue the version that i eventually want to be. the internet is not making my head a better place but it does remind me that im fat and that i deserve less and less food each day. i dont know why i allowed myself to get this obese but i am truly regretting every second of it. 

in conclusion... am i falling apart? maybe. am i losing myself? maybe. do i have friends? not anymore. and do i hate my s/o constantly reassuring me that i have friends that even i dont know the existence of? maybe. do i hate myself for being a dick to my own family? maybe. do i blame myself for being an incompetent and emotionally worrisome partner? maybe. do i blame myself for having a body as big as mine? maybe. ultimately... am i drowning myself in a bottomless pit of self loathe as i swim in self-pity? hell mother fucking yes.