angstymcspicy-blog

[angstymcspicy-blog]

alone

[angstymcspicy-blog]

22/05/20

1 year and 2 months. it took me 14 months before i broke all kinds of self defences and decided to seek refuge here. i love being at home, i really do. i dont have to force myself to talk to people, dont have to get tempted by food outside, dont have to exhaust my emotions, i dont have to put on makeup, i dont have to think of what to wear and regret it later for looking too fat and ugly, dont have to disappoint anyone and dont have to feel disappointed by anyone. 

but being at home starts to feel overwhelming at some point. its not that i crave physical interaction or that i miss my friends (do i have any, really?), or the boi for that matter — i just get really afraid of myself. you see, once i start sitting down with myself, i dont ever get up. 

i dont even know where to start... is life falling apart? not really. yes, we’re living in the middle of a pandemic. but i am blessed alhamdulillah to have a roof over my head, for my family members and for a s/o. but this period of being at home and everyone having so much time on their hands... really puts certain things into perspective. for instance, with so much time everyone has to offer now that we’re all confined to the comforts of our own four walls, how come not a single soul that i once called my friends have reached out. yes! i had 3 so far... in the span of 2 months. that’s a great feat, i aint gonna deny. but you see, the people i thought who could give 2 shits abt apparently rather give 2 shits to other people instead. so that makes me think — where do i stand in your life? how do i emerge from this quarantine and what do i make of our relationships after this? pretend like we totally know whats happening in each other’s lives via superficial and menial social media updates that you selectively show after having retaking them 100s of times or do i act all weird bec literally, i do not know whats happening to who anymore. this is simply bec im not talking to anyone. if i dont initiate a conversation, no one comes to me. im really not that interesting of a friend and not that exciting to have me around. i just float and exist... hence my insignificance in their lives. at one point, i guess it was just out of convenience that we were friends. & now due to circumstantial factors, it is not convenient or important having me around anymore.

yes i do have friends. yes we havent spoken in months. on some days though... i get really glad that my social circle has reduced to almost nothing. but on some days... i realise that im just not that strong after all. i want to be ok, i want to learn how to be ok. but how do i? how do i come to terms with the fact that either im a girl who turned all her friends away from her bec she thought she was too good for them or that her world too accelerated too quickly to revolve around her boyfriend that now she forgot how having friends ever felt like.

the people whom i thought literally saw me grew up are now too busy mingling amongst themselves and themselves only. they do make the effort to send one text message in 6 months... but the lack of sincerity is more than just apparent. there is 0 effort to even keep the conversation going and no matter how hard i once tried, i cant find it in me to be as giving anymore. 

to my best friend that i lost, im just taking things in my stride. every single day you never fail to exhibit the love you’re constantly being showered with (without me in your life anymore). im happy that you’re in a place where you get to shine in the spotlight given and that your circle of friends has expanded to one that drowns me out. maybe im also too exhausted and found myself to be too demanding for you to fit me anywhere in your life anymore. im just a puzzle piece that was forcing to fit till early this year. maybe now i really am prepared to want to let it all go.

i lost a workplace buddy recently. as much as i know that maybe this is for the better of him, a part of me still wishes we could maintain the same co-worker relationship and we can keep this friendship going. we have too many similarities and interests and it hurts to know that things will never be the same again. i have teared about it but i think one day these feelings are going to come charging at me in full force that it might be too late to calm those emotions down by then.

this quarantine period has also cost me lots of fights in my family. every single day i urge myself to keep the anger down and not get so agitated but i still fail. i disappoint myself time and again. i dont know how to fix this, neither do i see the light at the end of the tunnel for this. the ability to be so fucking patient with the useless beings i deal with at work and the inability of me being tolerant of my closest and most loved ones, appalls me the most. i am the biggest hypocrite i know. i fought with my beloved grandma. i was planning to check in on her but i never did and before i knew, she ended up in the hospital and i found myself sinking in knee-dip into a bottomless pit i knew i was sooner or later, doomed for.

the holy month is about to come to an end and i see people achieving milestones in their life as they close this chapter but this year feels just about the same as another. and i only have myself to blame and hate for it. i could have done so much more. coulda started on the quran, coulda been more consistent, coulda been more committed but i let it all slip in front of me and before i know it, it’s too late to do anything about it anymore. i am my biggest disappointment. i only seek for your forgiveness la Ya Allah.

i have no qualms about the person i call my partner. but having an anxiety attack all bec of him... it has truly been a long while. i wanna blame it on the period. i wanna blame it on the fact that i have too much time and too many emotions too feel, too sensitive. i wanna blame it on his lack of awareness for his surroundings and the people around him. i wanna blame it on his immaturity and ego. but i think we all know, it is ultimately just me. the same issues... over and over again. is it a lack of interest or understanding? i sincerely wonder. i want to work this out, but it gets really hard. sometimes i just want us to stop hurting. how is it that we dont get by a week without fighting? how is it that you still have issues understanding me why i get hurt even after repeatedly explaining myself? how is it that you still talk in a way that annoys the fuck out of me sometimes? i know you dont mean it. but are you really that wrapped up in your head to not notice all these things? everything’s either a fucking joke or too complicated for your brain to even process. i dont wish to make the situation bigger than what it is, but i never felt truly at peace at emptying my emotions to you. when was the last time you were keen about me and my mental health? then again, not everything is about me. and you didnt seem to understand so i backed off. i dont want to find fault in a situation that you dont want to help yourself in. why is that you can bear to part hours of your day to game but not spare 10 minutes of your time to ask me how im feeling lately. or spend 10 minutes of your time looking up what anxiety really is. i tell you im fine and you really think im fucking fine. if that was really all it took to cure my fucking anxiety m8... i’d be bloody Gandhi by now. i want to give all my love to you. but at times i cant even be truly happy for people by my side, sometimes i feel like i still have a lot more to learn before i deserve true happiness in my life. you dont always have the best words to say, but i know you do try. 

i started working out but i still dont like what i see. the more time i spend at home, the less i want to see myself in the mirror. its been 2 weeks and my arms are still so fucking flabby,,, my thighs are gigantic it can choke and the rolls on my tummy makes me nauseous. i pray to God seeking for strength every single day but i still cant find it in me to want to embrace the now me to pursue the version that i eventually want to be. the internet is not making my head a better place but it does remind me that im fat and that i deserve less and less food each day. i dont know why i allowed myself to get this obese but i am truly regretting every second of it. 

in conclusion... am i falling apart? maybe. am i losing myself? maybe. do i have friends? not anymore. and do i hate my s/o constantly reassuring me that i have friends that even i dont know the existence of? maybe. do i hate myself for being a dick to my own family? maybe. do i blame myself for being an incompetent and emotionally worrisome partner? maybe. do i blame myself for having a body as big as mine? maybe. ultimately... am i drowning myself in a bottomless pit of self loathe as i swim in self-pity? hell mother fucking yes.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

twice in a fucking week...

i don’t even think i’m going to blame the period anymore. i’m not even in the state of mind to be thinking of blaming anyone or anything right now.

you’d think the one person you have trust in can just break it so fucking easily huh.

you’d dump me your family plans and expect me to be okay with and tell me to get over it and will be fine i mean honey, if that was all it took for me to even be okay with myself, trust me i wouldn’t have to be dealing with anxiety all my life.

you’d tell me thousands of times that you understand but no one really fucking gets it. no one understands what it ever feels like to be dealing with anxiety and you never will so don’t ever say it to my face that you understand or know what it feels like cause if it ever crossed your mind then maybe you’d be more mindful of your words and actions.

people tell you a thousand

it really hurts a lot more when the person who hurt you is the one you’ve been explaining why you’re hurt.

oh fuck this.

maybe its the period. maybe its the panic talking. maybe i just wanna slap you in the face. good talk m8. 

fucker.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

what a life

so here’s a depressing little story: who’s at the lowest tier of the food chain? who’s the lowest earning employee (which i really dont bother about but ok just makes the story more depressing)? who’s the one who has a shit ton of mistakes and never seems to learn? who’s the one whom everyone gets mad at? who’s the one who’s awkward and dont eat with anyone else at lunch? who’s not fitting in? who’s the one everyone dislikes the most? who’s the least favoured? who’s the most ill-fitting in this company?

give me a ‘M’, give me an ‘E’! what does it spell?

ME!

THAT’S RIGHT, ME!

IM THAT MOTHERFUCKER ALRIGHT.

“oh you’re a sponge. you got so much to develop into”

but then again

“i need you to step up”

thank fucking you lah brudder.

i swear at the end of the day, i only hate myself. i feel useless, i dont belong here and im at the 2nd lowest hole of my life.

you know what truly hurts?

the fact that i myself that “May tomorrow be a better day.”

and that tomorrow never fucking happens./

i fucking love life la please. i really love myself so much that i cant even do this anymore. if anything, i just want to cry myself to sleep every day and night. but even then, i dont have the tears to do that anymore you see. im so tired of complaining. people dont see my pain. its not even being able to deal with criticism at this point, its the point that i cant even deal with myself and being my own critique lah fuck. im not even scared of people anymore - im scared of myself.

hahahahah what a life.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

never thought i’d come here cause of you.

it may be the PMS, it may be the circumstance im in right now with work and people. 

i fucking hate everyone right now.

i cant bring myself to sympathise with you nor do i want to talk to you. your excuses sound stupid and the fact that you’re hanging out with your friend cause he wants to fetch his girlfriend while you stay at home entertaining his ass pisses me off so much. your inability to wake up and get your shit tgt is none of my business. you waiting for him to fetch his girlfriend while i’ve been eagerly waiting for you to wake up makes me feel so stupid and worthless. but thanks anyway. feels like i know where i stand now.

i know we see each other every day. but its also cause i want to and these days, i really need to. so thanks for leaving me at the lurch. have fun figuring your shit out.

i dont even want to talk to your about your school applications right now. have a fucking, good day mate.

and life is just out to get me. im meant to suffer the rest of my life - im stupid, everyone hates me and im bad at my job. no one likes me. everyone else here gets along so well. and there you have, me. i love me!!!!

i fucking love life!!!!!

[angstymcspicy-blog]

dumb bitch.

first you ask me to come over, next you want to do your own things.

makes me feel like a fool, bitch.

you know how much i wanted to see you. you know how much i’ve been thinking about you. i even told you i dont wanna see you with your friends, just you. but you still wanted to go do your own things anyway.

what in the actual fuck.

and you still want to thank me for it? for understanding?

what do you mean by understanding when you already decided you wanted to do it anyway? 

who am i to tell you no? who am i to say that you can’t go? who am i to you if you already decided you wanted to go despite me making my emotions known to you. 

thanks for making me think you had more sense and awareness than you actually did.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

what anxiety feels like

Fuck me fuckfuckfuckfjwenfimsoshyihatethislanbcbefjgbwjrngjidwwritecopyleidamnlameidontwantseemyowncopynb

Fucklanabeicheeeebaiiwanttosleepsofuckingsleepyandfuckingdinidoesntknowhowtocoaxmenabeiyouthinkiwannabeleftalone,no,comeback,dontleavemealone

Iwanttocrycan?everythingalsocannotdoproperlyhowhowhowyoutellmeimsoconfusedlawtficantdoanythingright

[angstymcspicy-blog]

I…

pretty much…..

fucking hate all of you.

Nice people indeed. But people talk to me like I’m supposed to know everything. Like I have the apparent skillset I didn’t know I needed to have. No guidance, no mentorship. You’re just dumping work on me as and when you feel so. Whatever lifts your burden floats your fucking boat huh. Give me feedback EOD but expect changes to be made first thing in the morning today when you clearly know I wasn’t in office yesterday. Wow, life indeed sucks huh. Ive never come to despise someone or even a group this much (in such a short period) in a very long time.

I feel like shit enough about myself, I literally hate everything about me. And there it is, life shoots at me in all directions. Yea I get shot at home, feel shit about myself, break my foundation, be late for work on the very damn day that she decides to be early. They just had to be seated at the fucking room when I enter too. Life is indeed shitty in all directions. Life hates me huh? Never allowed to be happy and at peace with my life and where I am now with myself. Nothing I do ever seems to be right. Nothing works out for me. Nobody wants what I have in life. I have the shittiest life. Never have enough money no matter what I do. I don’t eat, I still don’t have enough money and im STILL fat. Fucking hate this body. Looks so fucking ugly. How the hell do I have Dini again? And im dumb. And stupid. None of my work has been approved so far. Everything I do seems to be going in the wrong direction and seems to be the worst piece of shit that they agree to compliment to “Oh this is good.” BUT. Theres always a but. A fucking but. Why? That’s what you get when you a dumb hoe and no one likes you in particular and you’re ugly. Really, you’re always alone, no one really fucking cares.

You tell me to sound if im being swamped or if im doing okay. But the truth is no one really cares cause you’re too busy. you don’t listen to me if I have opinions or If I might be uncomfortable. I just don’t really want to see your face or hear your voice mostly now.

and the rest of the fucktards of the lot y’all all suck together. Only you understand each other. Fucking lame jokes la nabei and lamest pieces of shit on the things you say and do. Y’all really think you cool huh? You think your jokes are darn funny huh? But really, I’ve never been so uncomfortable listening to people talk and joke around like you all have. So dumb and cringeworthy y’all deserve to be sent to… never mind lol. Who am I to say. But you get the point. surrounded by nasty people all the time. Y’all are only nice cause you don’t step on each other.

This whole place on earth is ugly. People are nasty everywhere. Every fucking where.

ultimately, i hate myself.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

Prague - Czech Republic (by LenDog64) 

[angstymcspicy-blog]

so damn unmotivated.

im tired. exhausted. emotionally and physically drained.

work is suffocating me. i cant seem to want to entertain my friends anymore. i dont even talk to my colleagues at work. right now, it feels like im hitting a new low. who knew huh.

the boi motivates me. pushes me. but today its just not working. maybe its one of those days. but im having too many of “those days”. 

on a day like this i feel so ugly. so fucking ugly. my skin looks horrible. my nose piercing looks ugly. (wanted to inflict pain on myself so bad, i went to pierce my nose on an impulse) i looked great before, now i just look fucking horrid. i dont even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. my hair gets uglier by the day. and i just went to fucking rebond it. soent $130 for it to go into shits in 4 weeks. whats the fucking point. i still look a mess. and i still hate myself. 

i struggle at work everyday. my work is shit and is always just further validated by the environment around me. deadlines and deadlines and deadlines.

“i can do this in half a day, so you should too.”

i didnt come in here with the same skillset that you currently possess. how do you expect me to be on your level when im barely catching on to anything you say?

i just want to seclude myself. 

away from everyone.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

i just wanna runaway.

disappear into a thick fog 

i only want my mum and dad. and sister.

i don’t need anyone else.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

i can’t even hold a conversation with someone. 

people find me boring.

do i even deserve a spot in this world.

do i really.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

sometimes i dont want to be alive.

sometimes i want to be someone else.

sometimes i just want to be loved.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

it’s been a while.

it’s been a while since i let my thoughts run.

been a while since i let my thoughts run so far that it led me here.

been a while since i allowed myself to feel this low. i held it off. held it off for so long that i thought i was getting better. that i thought i was getting better at keeping my emotions in check, i thought life was taking a turn for the better. i legitimately thought that i was crawling out of this hole that i dug for myself too deep from the last time i was here. i was messy, constantly anxious and too low to pick myself up. but slowly life was changing its form, i went out for dance, joined a competition, started going for classes on my own, started being more comfortable with being in my own skin, started to feel more humane after constantly beating myself up for the longest time i’ve known,

but all it took was a boy to just knock it all down. im not even sure if im making excuses for myself anymore at this rate, or am i just falling back into a relapse.

i feel extremely fat again. and disgusting, i hate my tummy, i hate my butt even more. my thighs look so gross i don’t ever deserve to wear pants ever. why would i let anyone see myself like this. i dont deserve to go out there and be pretty when i look like the most obnoxious blob of meat ever. 

which also is no surprise as to why i’m currently and always been on the market. 

not to forget, i am literally the most boring person i’ve met. how is it that i have friends even?

“you are designed in a special way”

yeah sure, i was just born to be this uninteresting. i have zero humour. literally every single one of my friends are amazing and im just appalled as to how they even stand me as a person, what more a friend. 

not even the least bit of interesting - i wouldnt date myself either. i’m not even fishing for attention, i’m just really sickened at the fact of my existence.

what am i really.

[angstymcspicy-blog]

sometimes I don't even want to try to fix things although if you asked me just a while back, I’d die for things to go back to how they were before

[angstymcspicy-blog]

your head’s in the clouds

but I don't think I can wait for you to come back down 

[angstymcspicy-blog]

another bad day

but i came to learn about a boy called wonpil 

wonpil is cute

wonpil is luvvv

wonpil is life