#i was even reluctant to post my last poem bc. I don't necessarily feel like that anymore. But i still liked it anyway

[motherdaughterholyspirit]

Going to be blogging here with my think pieces bc I want to be off Ig more

I love the appeal of the American Gothic and have for many years. There was a long time it resonated with me because its harrowing images of a cross hailing over these pockets of a failed American dream. Poverty and violence hammering down a God fearing, repressive and resentful community. I saw myself in that- abstaining and howling. Hungry and never indulging.

I clung to these narratives of despair, the aching beauty in the horrors of trauma. Our mother's quiet rage, our father's apparent fury. It mirrors home, it mirrors the suffering that is felt in these sacrifice zones, in these places lost to exploitation of the land and its people. It is the consequence of being collateral in capitalism. There are so many layers to peel back. It feels self destructive almost to seek out these kind of aesthetics. Its a beautiful and startling outlet to be able to do photoshoots and write poetry capturing these heavy emotions I feel, but it is painful work.

What is the natural conclusion to nihilism? Suicide or existentialism maybe, at least from what I've observed. I've gone through the motions, moved through existential, absurdism, stoicism... i can go on and on. Where is this going? I feel like I'm running this blog and beating a dead horse. Indulging in a phase of my life I may have moved on from. Clinging to the narrative I no longer want to live by. There is beauty in the violence, this will always be familiar to me and these heavy emotions may never leave me, but I feel a need to move forward anyway.

Its not all in vain by any means. In my time exploring my identity through the lens of the American Gothic I've been able to establish a stronger connection to my roots, my family and the land we inhabit. Its funny how you grow up resentful of a place and now I have so much respect for it. I was angry at my community for a long time, but I see them with more clarity now. Being able to explore that rage through photography and literature has been so liberating.

Perhaps there are some stones unturned: female power, female wolf archetypes, and wild women may be the next phase if I continue on the path of capturing the American Gothic. But for now I'm listening to this song, thinking about my own inclination to wandering and searching.