#i was crashing out bcs i havent drawn for 2 days

[solshii]

bingjie sketch before i go to bed<33

[rouge-the-bat]

ruh roh i got big rambly too, ill use a read more to try sparing our followers 🙏

ough yeah, when i was going through gathering the names of everything, it was sooo annoying going from source to source to only find fragments of info, so i had to try to figure out some translations on my own- which im far from fluent in learning japanese, i barely have much of hiragana remembered, so i had to try to find accurate translations for individual words online, referencing multiple sites and crossing info with each other to figure out what would make most sense in the titles, and use what tiny bit i already knew to get everything.

yeah adhd has been kicking my ass for yeaaars. im hoping ill be getting a diagnosis within the next month once i get my testing results, then maybe i can finally get it wrangled and get back to creating stuff more 😓 and i actually only got into yyh a few years ago! i watched it i think in... 2020? or 2021? (i have no sense of time lol) bc my girlfriend recommended it to me- because she knew i would absolutely love hiei and kurama, especially hiei LMAO. she knows me too well. hiei is too much my type- as i said in my tags, hes literally just shadow. except way more of an asshole. and his sister is still alive JGKJDK. i actually have a whole post about how much theyre just The Same Damn Person, and i could probably still add plenty more to it. ill never get over duos that consist of edgy tsundere dorks and their pretty thieving partners that tease them endlessly <3 kurahi is just au shadouge to me LOL

so far the only yyh chars ive drawn have been hiei and kurama, surprise surprise lol. i havent done it too many times so far tho, but i have a million ideas in mind that i will get to EVENTUALLY. i have too many thoughts about them that i HAVE to get out someday.

ooo knitting!! ive never knitted before, but i got into crochet last year (i think?) and i love that. unfortunately my executive dysfunction is keeping me from getting back onto that tho OTL. designing patterns seems like itd be so cool tho :Oo id love to make some of my own patterns some day too!

yeah highkey i wanted to start ripping yyh frames just to admire hiei, get clean shots of kurama to make icons of, and for these yyh memes that i like making LOL. its also just very fun to look at how things were animated in the show and see the frames that are easy to miss. hiei is most defintely the absolute highlight for me though <3 once i get to ripping the frames for his episodes ill be taking so long just bc ill keep stopping to look at him LOL and yes HIS CLAWSSS i love his claws so much. also kurama is has such a natural grace to him, its always fun seeing his various movements!

i dont think tumblr would be very good for the way i want to format the transcript, would be very tedious and lacking if i tried. id probably just link to it on here, and try finding some sites meant for transcripts to put them on. id like to have it at the very least on 2 sites, in case one of the sites go down or some other issue happens. i just want it to be easily findable + readable! and im not familiar with making sites at all, but have been interested trying out neocities or somethin someday... so a potential option i suppose!

you can add credit to me for yu yu jukebox if you want to, but i dont mind either way! im just happy to see people enjoying my channel and mentioning it around :3 ALSO THE TRANSLATION....oh my god. its so nice to finally know wtf is going on with those chaotic dorks finally. hiei in particular adding so much chaos omg... fucking lil gremlin bastard. ranting and crashing shit in the background. AND HIS LAUGHS BRING ME SO MUCH JOY HES SO FUCKING CUTE.... AND HIS LIL NYA.... his voice makes me melt regardless of if its his sub or dub voice 😍

i also am losing my mind at him destroying a computer. another similarity he has with shadow LMAO theres a point in shadows game where other characters are trying to hack into a computer, and ask shadow for help, and shadows like hack? im good at hacking things [fucking chops it and destroys it] HCKZJJF but this bastard. i cant believe hiei put bread in his computer to toast it, and said its his so he can do what he wants with it. hes such a dumbass <3 and hiei challenging people on vocabulary... boy do you really think youre in a position to do that LOL kuramas the only one with a braincell in the group fr. tho i almost wonder if hiei was misinterpretting words or was fucking with everyone and confusing the hell out of them just bc he wants to be a bastard and fuck up the recordings LMAO. if its like that then itd look like he does have some sort of affinity for puns, which matches a headcanon of mine, but i moreso saw him as enjoying kuramas puns (but acting like he doesnt) than playing into them himself lol. love kurama piping in to ruin hieis challenge while also showing off his brains <3 SO him. also love that kurama is the main one trying to keep everyone on track. he knows immediately that this is going to be a disaster and is like ALRIGHT lets try to wrap this up as quickly as possible 😅

also yeah hiei and kurama are def BOTH to blame for my yyh hyperfixation, they are exactly the kind of characters and dynamic i fucking adore. they VERY quickly made it into my top favorite characters of all time along with shadow and rouge. im a huge kurama and rouge kinnie and am in love with hiei and shadow so im in DEEP with these bitches lmao

also a side note, idk if u had seen it already but i have a large ongoing yyh playlist linked on my pinned! i add more songs to it randomly whenever i find some that fit the yyh chars. tho tbh Most of the playlist is for kurahi, or individual kurama or hiei songs lmao. idk if fan playlists are ur kinda thing or not, but i always gotta plug it as much as i can bc [toots my horn] i think i have some very choice selections on there 😌 n i hope i can find people that enjoy it too hehe

What a small 'net! I saw a reblog of your normalize post, & your avatar caught my eye. So I figured I'd peek at your blog in case you had more shiny stuff to see, & noticed you encourage folks tag you in Kurama & Hiei stuff. I pinned in the back of my head that, after checking out your stuff, I should ask if you want a link to skit translations from the Dance Mix CD—then saw YOU'RE the one who made the beautifully-organized Yu Yu Jukebox! That helped me figure out what CDs I wanted to buy! :D <3

yoo hell yeah!! im glad that helped you out!! its always nice to see the things i make can be useful :3 and nice that my kurama icon is catching the eye of fellow yyh fans hehe!

yu yu hakusho is a huuuge hyperfixation of mine, but my adhd has been making me struggle with focusing on doing the creative stuff i wanna do (like drawing and writing), so ive been instead doing a shit ton of other things revolving around yyh- like collecting the music and making the yu yu jukebox channel, ripping frames to post and organize them on my sideblog @reikai-records , and ive also been working on making a dialogue transcript for the dub (still unsure where to put it online when im done with that tho, atm i just have it on google docs, not too far on it)!

i cant remember if ive encountered translations for the skits of the dance mix cd though, id def love to see that!

[periwinkquills]

Catalyst 1

    The gears turned and solid pathways flipped positions as he experimentally turned on the switch after a long day of tinkering around with the décor of the gym. It had become quite a habit of doing so, so much that the power outages within the city were of no surprise to both its residents, and the affected trainers within the gym. A platform here, a change of paths there; it was pretty much the unthinkable made possible.

    Volkner stared with grim blue eyes, unfazed by his work. Not like a trainer worthy of his badge would waltz in, especially at this hour. He sighed as the trainers exited the gym in pairs. Due to the lack of trainers willing to challenge him, the gym wasn’t open all days. Despite this, the many times Volkner had toyed with the platforms out of boredom prompted the city to turn towards more solar energy collecting.

    After the remaining trainers exited, followed by the gym guide, the young gym leader furrowed his brows at the emptiness of the first room of the gym. That was how he felt his passion for battling, and it caused him to sigh in disappointment. It felt like ages since he had used Electivire in battle, since the very few who reached him had barely taken out the weakest on his team. Where is that spark? He often asked himself this, whether he’d be renovating, or simply standing, nonchalant eyes staring at the door frame, awaiting the trainer to finally restore his faith, and to have him remember what is was to hold the title of Gym Leader.

    With a flick of a few handles towards the adjacent wall, he shut down all the energy, the whole gym dimming into darkness. Footsteps echoed as he followed the blur of light shining from the exit.

    He stepped out into nothing but fresh sea breeze, and the faint echoes of Wingull chirping along the coastline. Turning back momentarily, he locked the double doors of the gym, signaling any incoming trainers that it would be closed for a few days. There was a bit of hesitance as he left the keys glued onto the keyhole. What would he do tomorrow? How would he distract himself?

    The blond figured that he might as well tackle those questions when he got there. Pulling the keys out, he slipped them into his pocket, and began to walk down the smooth pavement. Nothing but the crisp air brushed at his cheeks, the waves ringing within the distance as he dully took each step towards the tall lighthouse within the other side of the city. The most relaxing part of the day was this walk that he took, where he spent a good amount of time in the lighthouse simply observing the scenery, watching water Pokémon play about in the waters, and taking in how beautiful his hometown was.

    Only two people had passed him as he walked the rather lonely roads, giving the darkness that had already overshadowed the sunset. Everyone had rushed into their homes for the night. This was normal, he noted, as the city was rather quiet during the evening in comparison to the busy daytime, booming with business.

    At least everyone else in the city was proud of their work.

    Volkner shook his head from the ominous thoughts, sighing. At least his spot up in the lighthouse would bring him piece of mind.

    The closer the building grew, the more his troubles faded. A good hour or two simply staring through the glass would probably make him forget about this whole ordeal – at least until he got home… 

    Walking past the edge of the building, he made a sharp turn, hands in his pockets and his head tilted down. He could feel hints of a small headache beginning to drill his head. Volkner’s hands pulled out, pressing his index fingers to his temples.

    He didn’t even notice the rushed footsteps. Being too drawn into easing himself of his oncoming headache, the gym leader failed to react. Taking him by complete surprise, Volkner felt a sudden crash of weight against his chest, causing a grunt to rip out of his mouth, and his feet to stumble. His ears caught a gasp, and his eyes filled with the view of the entrance to the lighthouse ahead, and ends of long, chestnut colored strands.

    Both would have fallen if it wasn’t for Volkner’s quick reflexes. He managed to step back, holding onto the stranger before they could fall flat onto the pavement. “Hey,” he started out, a bit of annoyance dripping, “watch where you’re headed, hm?”

    Blue eyes met wide browns – scared browns.

    Ripping herself off his hold, the stranger stepped back, evident horror etched upon her pretty face. Her long, brown hair – akin to her eyes – gracefully fluttered with the sea breeze. Her hands shyly clutched the auburn colored bow neatly resting against her chest, making no effort to mask the intimidation in her eyes and body language.

    He now felt a tiny speck of guilt.

    “I’m, uh…so s-sorry…! I didn’t see you!” She bent herself in front, those long streaks of hair now curtaining both sides of her face. “I hope I didn’t hurt you!” She stood up straight, nervously fidgeting with her bow.

    “You didn’t,” he reassured, blinking. This girl, out here so late? He raised an eyebrow as she did a double take between him and the lighthouse. “Are you hurt? You seemed to be in a rush.”

    She relaxed – visibly. He observed the slump of her shoulders, and the hold she had on her bow, hands now at her sides. “Um... I’m okay. I just wanted to get back to my place…”

    He nodded in agreement – it was much too late, and usually the lighthouse was a ­him-only thing. “I see… Well, take care of yourself on your way home.”

    She didn’t look like the type to battle intensively. In fact, it looked like she didn’t even own any Pokémon. If she did, he thought she would’ve own a Buneary or a Pichu – something that seemed to fit with her shy, reserved portrayal. It was a shame, really. A part of him, for a single moment, expected her to have good Pokémon to give him that spark. He shook his head at his thoughts.

    Meekly, the woman nodded. “I will… Er…thank you…”

    Volkner didn’t say anything, so she assumed that it was her cue to continue on walking. He heard her footsteps – fast and rushed, and he turned his head, watching her silhouette fade within the darkness of the street, only barely catching a glimpse of her through the street lamps that had flickered.

    He continued to walk slowly, pushing past the entrance of the lighthouse and entering through the double doors of the elevator.

    Ding! After reaching the top floor, the doors opened, and the gym leader cautiously walked out, hands in his pockets. As expected, there was nobody on board with him.

    The elevator doors closed behind him. He sighed again, and took his time to approach the long, glass window that gave him a pretty good view of Sunyshore. He was greeted with the waves of the coast, the locked gym, a few stands with lights turned on, and the large chunk of sand in front of the waves. It was a rather therapeutic sight. The moonlight shone against the current, Pokémon flew about and swam, and the occasional move of a few people walking down the visible pathways within the city. His home was beautiful. So beautiful; it was almost difficult to leave it and go and challenge the league.

    He had thought about joining the league, but there were hardly any trainers to challenge at that level. He had the Pokémon for it, but it didn’t seem right.

    Lazily, Volkner peered through the high-definition binoculars, taking in a breathless sight of Sunyshore. He was able to see the beach better down below due to the lampposts the city had put in place for evening markets and those that had business during the weekends, when the beaches were more lively. There were some water-types, some flying-types, and…a person…?

    The gym leader squinted his eyes as he adjusted the zoom within the binoculars to get a closer look. It was late, and there were no vendors out… Was this person looking for the vendors?

    Despite him zooming, all he managed to catch was a curtain of brown hair that was barely visible with the light that was provided. The darkness didn’t let him have a clear view, but from what he noticed, the person seemed to be facing the ocean, as still as a statue. “…”

    Upon turning their body and walking away from the water, the person was much more visible, and Volkner noticed the familiar red bow…

    It was the woman he had crashed into earlier.

    “Heading home…” he muttered to himself, watching her hug her arms as she maneuvered along the soft sand towards the city. “Maybe she’s a vendor.”

    She disappeared from his view. Leaning back, his back hit the wall of the center structure that held the elevator and blinked. She was odd. And a liar, he also noted. Volkner still recalled the way her brown eyes stared at him, the way she hid herself from him. This caused him to frown slightly – he should be one to be stared at with pride and confidence as facing a league member – and the strongest one. He wasn’t used to cowardice. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t bring the sparks back. The thought burned them.

    Suddenly, he didn’t want to be at the lighthouse anymore.

    Ding! He entered the elevator, leaving the one place he truly felt at home.

**

notes: aww yea im back and this ones gonna be more than a one shot hehe... i havent published any multi chap things in a long time (bc 1: i never finish them 2: im highkey insecure abt my writing so this is kinda going out of my comfort zone aha....) but! ive been so much into these two lately they hurt me. bear w me one this, i hope?? to keep it short pft. 

this fic is for my self indulgence, and a very late birthday/friendship anniversary gift for @starrydownpour. a long time ago i jokingly said id write you some alexandrian, and here it is! thank u for being there for me and canned trio u are amazing and i love u ok now pls enjoy what i have in store!

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...