#i was busy yesterday so we're getting day 9 done today

[tnysharky]

Day 9: Genderfluid

Requests open

[glassofspoiledmilk]

Going gold | Yuri P.

Chapter 6 | Victor and the Airport

After we got our nails done, I thought about what Mila said. She made the point of how I would only get this upset if I wanted him to like me. I don't think I like him? I guess I overreacted a little. I think I'm going to give Victor a call and see what he thinks later, but first I think I should apologize to Yuri for being an ass towards him yesterday.

I walked out of my room and took a deep breath as I knocked on his door. I looked down at the ground as I heard him tug on the handle.

"Im really sorry for being an asshole yesterday, I was in a really bad mood." I said looking up from the ground.

"It's fine, I get it" he said giving me a slight smile.

"So, we cool now?" I say hopefully.

"Yeah I guess" he replies.

"Good" I say, walking back to my room. I wish Victor were still here, but he's out in Japan with his "friend" Yuuri. I really miss him. He would always help me when I didn't understand something, and I really need his guidance right now. I sat down in my bed and pulled my phone from my pocket. I tapped on victors contact and held my phone up to my ear as it rung.

"Hello?" Victor said

"Hi Victor it's Y/N, I need your advice on something" I asked him.

"What up?" He replied

"Yesterday, Yuri invited me to watch a movie with him, I thought it was because he actually liked me and wanted to hang out, but turns out he only did it because Lilia told him too. I got really upset, and I can't figure out why" I said.

"Can you describe how you felt?" Victor added.

"It felt like my heart dropped into my stomach... I felt betrayed?" I replied.

Victor slightly laughed and said "Y/N, Im not going to tell you what I think because it's better for you to figure it out yourself. Think about Yurio and think about that heart drop feeling. When have you felt that before?".

I thought about it for a minute, and got nothing.

"Hey it's getting late here so I'm gonna go to bed alright?" Victor added

"Goodnight Victor"

"Goodnight Y/N"

Victor hung up and I couldn't help but feel like I was still in the same spot I was before.

After a long while of staring at my ceiling I decided that I was going to get no where. I rolled over and checked my phone again. It was 9:30. Time flies when your contemplating your life decisions.

I turned onto my side and shorty after I quickly fell asleep.

~ the day we leave for Paris ~

I woke up to the sound of Yuri pounding on my door.

" Y/N I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT GET UP IM GONNA BREAK DOWN YOUR DOOR" He yelled.

"Oh my god Yuri it's like 3 in the fucking morning our flight isn't until 7" I replied rubbing my eyes.

"I COULD HONESTLY CARE LESS NOW GET UP BEFORE WE MISS OUR FLIGHT" he added, walking away.

I had completely forgotten today was the day we left for Paris. I got up and loudly yawed. My room was a complete mess, there were clothes thrown everywhere and my suitcase was only half packed. Before heading downstairs to eat breakfast I fixed my issue with the suitcase and cleaned up a little. When I got down stairs I made myself a bagel and quickly ate it because I knew damn well if I took any longer Yuri would be on my ass. I took a shower and put on a comfy pair of sweat pants and a sweat shirt for the plane.  After I was done getting ready, I loaded my luggage into Lilias car and then waited on the couch until we left. Yuri was sitting across from me watching something on his phone and he was smiling.

"Watcha looking at Yuri?" I said getting up to look over his phone.

"Mind your business!" he stuttered, quickly turning his phone out of my view.

"Jeez calm down, we're you looking at a girl you like?" I said jokingly.

"Maybe I was maybe I wasn't" he said turning so the back of his phone faced me.

I felt my heart sink a little.

I frowned and silently moved away from him, retreating back to my original spot on the couch.

"Yuri, Y/N, let's go" Lilia said as she stood at the entrance of the living room.

Me and Yuri both stood up and followed her out to the car. When I stepped outside I felt the cold air engulf me. I quickly ran into lilias car and strapped on the seatbelt and turned on the heater from the back seat. Everyone got into the car shortly after, and then we were on our way to the airport. I put on my headphone and listened to some music to help pass the time, and before I knew it we had arrived. Yakov dropped us off at the airport entrance so he could go park. Lilia walked me and Yuri into the airport and over to TSA. The line was long and I was so tired I could barely stand. While we were waiting I sat down on my suitcase and went onto my phone. I checked my Instagram and saw that Yuri had viewed a few of my posts, including the shared post I had made with Mila yesterday. After a long while of waiting we finally made it through TSA with no problems. Lilia pulled me and Yuri off the the side so she could call yakov and see where he was. Apparently he was already at our gate so we headed over there. Lilia lead us around the airport for about 10 minutes before we finally made it to our destination. She got a little lost, but in the end we made it.

"Y/N , Yuri could you go get me some coffee please" Lilia asked.

"Uh sure..what kind?" I asked.

"Medium black coffee" she replied.

I grabbed my phone and started walking towards the nearest Starbucks. Yuri followed just behind me. When we got to the shop I walked up to the counter but before I could talk Yuri interrupted me.

"Can I get a grande black coffee?" He asked the cashier before turning to me and asking for my order.

"Um can i get a tall latte" I asked the cashier. He hit a few buttons and then Yuri ordered what he wanted. While he was ordering I started to pull out my wallet to pay but he stopped me.

"Cmon Yuri you don't have to pay I got it" I insisted.

"No I got it" he said handing the worker some cash.

"Cmon Yuri now I'm gonna owe you double from that one time at 7/11. Just let me pay!" I pleaded.

"You don't have to pay me back it's fine" he adds.

He then pulled me over to the side to wait for our order. I couldn't help but take slight glances at him. He looked so...sweet? I don't know how to describe it. I felt my face heat up a little bit, but thought nothing of it.

When our order came Yuri handed me my drink and took the rest. On the walk back to our gate I opened up Instagram and viewed Yuris page. Most of the pictures he had up were him at competitions, and his cats. As I was scrolling I accidentally liked one of his posts.

You would've thought I was the god damn flash with how quick I scrolled out of his profile.

A moment later i saw him pick up his phone, give a puzzled look, and look back at me.

"Why'd you like a post of me from last years Grand Prix?" He asked as we approached the gate.

"Uh no i didnt" i lied.

"Your an awful lier" He replied, continuing to walk.

Yuri gave Lilia her coffee as I sat down next to Yakov. Shortly, Yuri came back over and sat to my right. There was about an hour before our flight, so I decided to take a short nap.

[houkagokappa]

9 people you want to know better

Thanks for tagging me, @mobloomspell!

last song I listened to: Speed Drive from Barbie

currently watching: I'm not watching anything right now, unless you count the anime I haven't finished from last season (Mahou Shoujo Magical Destroyers and Tokyo Mew Mew New 2nd season) that I still plan on finishing, but haven't touched in weeks/months. I spent almost all summer away from home doing fieldwork and watching tv didn't fit in with that. I came home yesterday, but I'm still pretty busy, so I don't know when I'll have the chance to catch up with anything new.

currently reading: Hikaru ga Shinda Natsu got a new chapter this morning and it's what keeps me going week to week. I love it so much, it's my favourite ongoing series and one of the best manga I've ever read. I'm also keeping up with The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn't a Guy at All, although I might put it on hold since I hate how short the chapters are (the reading experience gets too choppy), Fantasy Bishoujo Juniku Ojisan to, which has had some very interesting developments in the latest chapters, Daddy's Sexy Dolls, which you'll know about if you read my yuri post, Akebi-chan no Sailor Fuku, which is insanely good and has had some exciting developments as well - we're moving full speed towards yuri with that one, and My Girlfriend's Not Here Today, also from my yuri post/adventures. For older works I'm halfway through Nijigahara Holograph. I don't like it that much, Asano Inio has never done anything for me, and then I'm reading Pink by Okazaki Kyoko, which I adore, although I've only read a few chapters so far (I had to put it on hold since I couldn't find all of them earlier in the summer, but now I got them and I'm excited to continue!!!).

current obsession: That new Hunter x Hunter promotional video brought back all my Hunter x Hunter feels... It's horrible... It's one of those series I have to keep some distance to, because if I don't I literally cannot function, I spend all day thinking and crying over it. It's the same with NO.6 (which also made a return to my life in the form of Nendoroids) and Kaze to Ki no Uta. Besides that, I've been getting into and reading a whole lot of josei manga, which has been a lot of fun! Okazaki Kyoko (mentioned above) has become a new favourite author of mine, her stories are very raw and real. Moyoco Anno has a similar style, and I'm interested in checking out more works from Yamashita Tomoko. There's also Okazaki Mari, who I've heard and seen good things from! I've spent almost all summer reading, whenever I wasn't working or being social, and I'd love to continue, there's so much I want to get into!!

I'm tagging @theurbanfuturesoftherecentpast, @ihearasound, @itskyatto, @celia-the-pikachu, @nezoomi, @cookiecthulhu, @akroglam, @natsunes and @kuragawa-rumiko

[livseses]

Fuck, shit, as well as damn it ("blast it all to the lower depths" as Ny would say). Idk if we posted this nonsense already. But fuck it. Gonna post it anyways.

Lol

Lmao

Fucking ha even

So we got

DID

(Pt: So we got DID)

We found out from our therapist the other day that she had updated our diagnosis. She went on leave for a few months, and we had a wonderful substitute therapist who had experience treating DID. After she had gotten back she consulted with said substitute and they both agreed that our symptoms matched up more with DID than OSDD-1.

We were fine with this, and she explicitly said that it was due to the memory issues. When we walked through the DES and diagnostic criteria, we didn't think our memory was "beyond normal forgetting". 8-9 months later, and a fresh set of eyes on us, and she got enough of a picture to check that box.

The only real complaint is that we don't know when we would have found this out, because it had come up from an unrelated conversation. But we've come to trust her well enough to believe that it was a simple mistake and not something more abusive of her authority.

But it's left us in a funny place. We've always thought our memory was shit, but not that shit. ADHD working memory out the door, and SDAM tossing the video feeds into the garbage. Nothing dissociative for the most part. Just weird brain quirks with memory.

But after getting hit with this, it's been, like I said, kinda funny feeling. Hell, read the first paragraph. We had agreed yesterday to pick my girlfriend up from work today, and didn't remember that until after the missed calls. That kinda shook us.

We've had missing days a plenty. Times where we were jazzed by the realization that Friday was one (1) day closer than we thought. Times where we were the opposite of jazzed because we missed a class (or a fucking final exam) because we thought we had another day left in the week.

We don't remember more than a handful of experiences from before college, and they dwindle the further back we go. But we know the facts. This kid with our deadname did/said/experienced X, Y, or Z. That kind of stuff. That's always been our memory. That's always been "normal forgetting".

Appointments, obligations, scheduled tasks. They all get missed until we can't do anything about them. We rely on routine. Therapy a 4 pm on Tuesdays. Oh it's at 3? Or on Monday? Guess we're not going. Need to call the doctor during business hours. But it's the weekend so we can't. Oh now it's the evening so we can't. Whoopsie, it's Saturday again and we need to call the doctor during business hours. Oh and file those papers before the kidos arrive at preschool. Gotta remember to file those papers. But it's time to prep for class and all the prep is done so we're incredibly bored and twiddling our thumbs. Kiddos are here but FUCK forgot to file the papers. Maybe after class? Oh yeah, all the tables are clean and nothing else to do but head home so that we can scream and panic because we need to file those papers in the morning before the kiddos get to class.

I don't recall telling this story before. Wait no, the bored look in your eyes reminds me that I saw that look last time I told you this story again.

It's strange and surreal right now to hammer home that yeah, this isn't "normal forgetting". Fuck I remember thinking that maybe the ADHD memory poo would count enough for criterion B. How much does our memory suck and we've just compensated hard? How much do we forget that we forget?

There's something important I need to stress btw. All of this ramble, all of these memory issues, all of this forgetting and amnesia? All of it is irrespective of switches and headmates (save maybe the lost days). DID and plural memory issues almost always treat forgetting as something done between members. It's so frequently held that the memory is held by someone else.

While that's true in many cases, it's absolutely not universal. Our Dx comes from our recurrent gaps in our recall that's not consistent with ordinary forgetting. Not an inability to recall the memories of other headmates. Hell our most recent experience with that was when Ny agreed to pick up my gf, and she forgot; we all forgot.

Maybe that's a nitpick. Maybe I'm being particular. Maybe I'm annoyed. I don't know that our treatment would be any different if we kept OSDD-1 under the notion that DID required intra-idenity amnesia.

But yeah memory is fuck. Ramble is done. I hope this isn't something we posted yesterday or something. But if it is, that's pretty fucking funny to us.

-Faye

[hopeintheashes]

March 2020 stuff under the cut. Long post. Edits for clarity and confidentiality.

I just needed to... process, I guess.

_ _ _

March 22, 2020: The Beginning of All of This

The Penzu prompt is: Why I'm Writing.

I'm writing because this is unprecedented. Because I might want to look back on it someday.

The journey so far. I've cross-checked dates with my texts, work calendar, and VPR as best I can.

Sunday, 3/8 - Time Change Sunday. I hate time change. I know it's going to be a rough week. I have no idea how rough.

Monday, 3/9 - Tired. The kids are tired. We end with take two of our department meeting. Good news, mostly. Next year is sort of starting to feel within reach. Williston and Wilmington are closed, but only as a very short term measure. The first confirmed case in Vermont was announced yesterday. It's in Bennington County. That's pretty far away.

Tuesday, 3/10 - Pretty normal day at work. Still tired. Haven't managed to switch over re: the time change. When I get home, there's an email from the Community Chorus director: Rehearsal is cancelled... because everything on campus is cancelled... because no one is allowed on campus... because they're closing down the campus... and sending all the students home. "What? What??" -- out loud. I had no idea this was coming. It feels like a physical, electric shock. I text K - are we still on for the Welcome to Night Vale this weekend? She's going to find out. They've just announced that there's an outbreak in New Rochelle. Woodstock isn't that close... but it's certainly not that far away.

Wednesday, 3/11 - Eval Planning meeting at School A. After the actual business, we talk about the coronavirus. What else is there to talk about? They're going to close the schools, my coworker says at some point in the day. It's not if, but when. I feel weirdly calm about that. Certainty is better than uncertainty. I text K: Regardless of what the venue decided, I'm not going to venture into the Hudson Valley. It seems safer to stay in Vermont.

Thursday, 3/12 - Three meetings back-to-back at School B. They're meetings that have been on the books for weeks, but still, I'm starting to feel the rush of trying to get everything done. Just in case.

Friday, 3/13 - Now I'm feeling the pressure. There's a 7:30 a.m. meeting with a parent. Five adults including me all in a room just big enough for a table for four. I've been vaguely worried about germs all week, but it's the first time that I think, we shouldn't be doing this. I don't know how to speak up about that. I try not to touch my face. By the end of the school day, my anxiety is running high. They're going to close the schools... right? What does that mean? No one knows. There's an email from the superintendent: The governor is holding a press conference tonight. I watch live. "We're not closing the schools." What do you mean, we're not closing the schools? Am I allowed to opt out even if I'm not personally in a high-risk group? Everything is upside down.

Saturday, 3/14 - My brother's birthday. I text him Happy Birthday. My sister-in-law is making him pie. They're not going out. His office is insisting that everyone come in in person. They're right next to the outbreak in New Rochelle.

Sunday, 3/15 - Admins have been in meetings all weekend. They're in meetings all day today. Another press conference: We are closing the schools. It's mandatory starting 3/18. We have two days to wrap everything up before we step into the abyss. They say the closing goes through 4/6. It still seems possible that we might be back then.

Monday, 3/16 - I'm at School A. We have almost exactly 2/3 of the kids there. As far as I know, it's the highest percentage in the district. I find out later that School B had 1/3. Someone says, "School C [the wealthiest in the district] had like 15 kids in the building." I believe it. The inequalities are already showing strong. [Context note: Those are near-exact matches for the percentage of each student body who qualify for free/reduced price lunch. These are the kids who need to be at school to be safe and fed. The ones whose parents can't stay home.]

After school: Staff meeting. We'd had an agenda... it's out the window. We're just trying to make it through the next two days. Everyone is facing this head-on. Pressing ahead. I half-expected things to fall into panic, but they never did. As I'm going to bed, we get a call: School is off for tomorrow. Yesterday was, it turns out, our last day with the kids. No fucking closure. None at all.

Tuesday, 3/17 - The superintendent says to think of today like a snow day, so I do. I do laundry, and dishes, and watch mountaineering films. One day at a time.

Wednesday, 3/18 - We go in in person. It feels wrong, but we have to pack up our rooms. School B > District Office > School A. Bouncing around, trying to keep our distance. In a lot of ways, it feels like the very end of the year. Spoken or unspoken, everyone is now operating under the assumption that we're not coming back.

Thursday, 3/19 - I go in briefly. Sign my Medicaid billing logs, make sure my coworker has what she needs to finish packing up the room, deliver the paperwork to the district office. And-- that's it. It's remote from here on out.

Friday, 3/20 - Two virtual meetings, then trying to figure things out, then one more virtual meeting. Everything's moving fast, inconsistent. Frustration is starting to build.

Saturday, 3/21 - Finally, some good things: a 3-hour Google Hangout with my college friends.

And-- that's where we are. I'm watching the UU service. Starting to read Rumi. Hopefully convincing Mom and Dad that it's time for them to learn how to do video calls.

More later. We go on.

_ _ _

March 29, 2020: Another Week In

Another week. I'm busy. Busier than I was before. It's weird.

Mon, 3/23 - Fri, 3/27 - Just... work. So much work. Trying to figure out how any of this is going to work.

Thursday, 3/26 - The governor announced that we won't be going back for the rest of the year. It was the next logical step... it still feels like a loss.

Somewhere in all of that, I had a moment of sheer hopelessness, like I've never had before: a flash of, if it's always going to be like this, what's the point in going on? Just a flash, but it scared me.

I talked with friends (phone call or video call) almost every day this week. It helped.

Yesterday, I caught up on sleep. I think. I was still really tired. Some lovely person on Ao3 went through my whole catalog with detailed, pull-quote gushing comments. It was a very nice ego boost. :-)

Today, I watched a different UU service (it was okay), did laundry, went shopping, cleaned all the groceries, did virtual Community Chorus rehearsal, and practiced guitar. That makes me sound productive. I was, in the sense that I got all that done. I also just about panicked about steeping foot outside my house (and into another enclosed space; walks outside are still fine), and was in pain from cramps for hours this afternoon and evening. So.

I think there's a post about gratitude. Maybe I'll make that one separately.

_ _ _

March 29, 2020: Gratitude

In the midst of inexorable low-level panic and the kind of abject hopelessness I thought I'd banished from my life, I've been trying to focus on the positives. It sounds superficial and fake. It's not. I don't think. So, things I am grateful for:

At this exact moment, as far as I know, I and the people I love most in the world are healthy and safe.

From everything I've heard so far, all of my students are housed and fed and accounted for.

I still have a job, and a paycheck, and health insurance, and meaningful work to do on a schedule that looks a lot like it usually would, except that I get to sleep in by an hour.

Levels of video chatting with friends that hasn't happened since they were studying abroad a decade ago (and with much better technology, this time!).

Video chatting with my parents - I've finally convinced them to give it a try!

I have a piano and a guitar and a violin and a mandolin and a clarinet and a flute in my house, and I have been playing two of those things.

As much as being alone sucks (I literally don't know when the next time I will get to touch another human, or even an animal), it does mean that I have control over my environment in a way that does bring my anxiety down.

I found another series to love.

My house is slowly becoming cleaner in the "neater and tidier" sense, as moving around and putting things away is a desirable break after several hours of staring at a screen.

It's walking weather, and the crocuses are starting to appear.

_ _ _

from a later entry: May 23, 2020: Every time I go out, it is into a different world

Sun, March 29 - laundry, groceries

Laundry felt dangerous. I don't have it written down any time between March 6 and March 29. I'm not 100% sure that's right, but it could have been... I think I did four loads. Hand sanitizer, avoiding others. Hot water in the washer; everything through the dryer. Just about holding your breath in between.

A few people had started wearing masks. Hardly any. No masks on staff. First visit with plexiglass shields for cashiers. A few employees wearing masks, but not many. Very few cleaning supplies of any kind. Very few eggs. Almost no flour, although I did snag some. 

From March 18-April 17 (School Closure through Spring Break), everything was full out, all the time, all day, every day. Mind-numbing, exhausting, stressful, feeling like you're failing at everything all the time. One of the administrators tried to ban the expression "building the plane while we're flying it" and the word "overwhelmed." I… think he was kidding?

Wed, April 15 - groceries

  First time wearing a mask in public. Now, at least half the people were doing the same. That weird, involuntary grin of, holy shit, this is happening, the world has turned upside down, this is not a drill kicked in when I passed the first set of other customers wearing homemade cloth masks (not bandanas, not those neck gaiters you can pull up over your face, made-for-the-purpose honest-to-god face masks). I was glad that because of the mask, they couldn't see my face and misinterpret it as excitement - it was a thrill, but a thrill of adrenaline, of, alright, so we're doing this, of, we're off to war.

  Not 100% of staff were wearing masks, but definitely more than last time. Got a little more flour, but it was still in short supply. I think this was the week that most everything was back in stock (except toilet paper, Lysol, or hand sanitizer), certainly everything in the produce section, but weirdly - no bananas. Just that day. Or two weeks; how would I know.

_ _ _

April 10, 2020: Two More Weeks

Two weeks since I went grocery shopping. Two weeks since I did laundry. Two weeks since I was in a shared enclosed space.

I've stopped walking around the block. Too many people. Now I'm in the woods.

I'm finding parts of the park I never knew existed. Going off on trails on a whim. I found the waterfall.

Everything feels both sped up and slowed down. There's so much to do for work. The district's lawyer described it as drinking from a fire hose. That feels... more right than not.

I keep thinking I should go grocery shopping. This internal sense of time. It's time to go to Hannaford's. It's time to wash my clothes. When I actually look in the cupboard and the fridge and the closet, though, I have enough. I'm doing fine.

Even my bank account is fine. For the first time since I moved up here, I'm not worried about money. This morning, after my paycheck and before I paid my credit card bill, I had $6000 in the bank. It's been years. If the stimulus check comes through, I'll get $1200. It doesn't feel fair. I still have a job. Some people are going to donate theirs. I can't bring myself to give up the piece of mind.

Every time I talk to Mom and Dad, they're so-- unworried. They're being careful, but they don't seem stressed. I think it helps that they're up on the hill. No one in sight but the cows.

I feel like I should be writing. The barrier is the amount of time. I think it's been a year.

I think I need to eat something real. I'm not sure what. Or maybe sleep. I don't know what I want. Nothing sounds good.

I listed to As It Is' album The Great Depression on repeat while I was out walking. It felt good, and now it feels insubstantial.

It all feels insubstantial.

I think I need to eat. I definitely need to make bread. I'm out. There's still crackers, and tortillas, and stuff like that. I'm not too worried. But I should probably make some bread.

I feel like I'm failing all the time.

And then I go in the woods and I don't feel like I'm failing. It snowed today. Big fat flakes. Then back to rain. Snow-rain-snow-rain, all my rain gear slick but I was warm and safe, sliding in the mud.

I see my kids and I don't feel like I'm failing. I found a way to put away my school stuff, and that didn't feel like failing.

Productivity is good. And exhausting. It's hard to tell the difference between inertia-exhaustion and hard work-exhaustion.

And I'm always in pain. All this sitting around is terrible.

I need to get up and eat.

_ _ _

April 10, 2020: update from two hours later

I ate real food.

It helped.

_ _ _

Epilogue: August 17, 2020: Two to go

Last entry was three work days left. Today's is two days until work begins.

Summer has been... summer: walking in the woods in the rain and sleeping weird hours and cleaning my entire house and watching entire shows in one go.

In a lot of ways, the strangest part was not being able to camp with A, not because of lockdown, but because her baby is too young. Like the downtown construction, might as well consolidate all the weirdness into one year.

Some parts feel normal. Someday (I assume) we'll be able to go back into indoor spaces with strangers and not wear masks. To hug our students and give high-fives. To visit family without checking the map to see if it's allowed. For now, though, the masks at least feel normal. Feel safe. Feel right. It's going to be a long time before I feel safe around strangers again.

_ _ _

postscript: and then i spent a year processing it all through fiction.

[the-firebird69]

So what they're saying is you'll go from 77 to 72 and then tomorrow till like 68 and somehow he arrived at 64 or so

Hera

It's going to be about tonight will be around 9:00 p.m. around 74 from 78 and then in the morning it'll be about 68 just saying I thought it was 78 yesterday and it was after the day and this morning it would drop down to 74 so I guess I have to go through the arrow part in the regular part so those 74 or did you say 78 for the end of today no it was 78 yesterday 74 this morning 9:00 p.m. tonight have you 68 tomorrow should be 64 so she's going to write that down

We also have some news about funding and the vehicle in the other scar tissue will disappear when he starts growing and healing it'll replace that would be much better and I'm just going to have lawsuits and everything. Well thinking about these vehicles that the Rev trikes and the slingshots. And he says it'll be like UMass one day we'll use one of our slingshot and then we use the other one and she says how's that like that cuz nowadays we're taking over from the dumpsters that's very funny that was Hera and they got to stay with each other and they liked it and she's pulling some bologna because the guy was watching and she couldn't stop him so we went ahead and started to count his offenses today and we started to hit him sensibilities are there and he's smiling about it. Fill out because he said like Moses sweet and put inside a carriage and said in the class Charlotte harbor unfortunately the wind is blowing Northeast they're laughing again the baby's big by the time he gets on the other side. So having a good time but yeah it's 3:14 and he's got to wait till 4:30 I think that's what we said I love that it's a little earlier like 4:20 or 4:15

We're making some progress tonight we're going to take 20% more seems like a lot but we have a lot of stuff to move it with and we have a lot of stuff to move it's a huge amount and we have a ton of ships they're moving so many that we have this line it's true it's like a huge thing we have to go the same way so we're using the airbags and we're testing out and it works now I'm using a ton of them the kind of move around a little bit I had to put these guides in and it's kind of a pain but they were no it doesn't move pressure on the outside where pushing some of the concrete up keeps it in place and it is an amazing system it just goes in and you pop it down a little but he was thinking was if you didn't cast the concrete too thick you can set it down and it would probably sit on it and not displace it if they just were sealed up with dirt and it's true you just don't even need that much force it's like 1/8 of the weight of the building these cushions it's pretty smart it's not the heavy work part and 1/8 is ridiculously light or comparison it's a million pounds it's only $200,000 and that's a huge difference it saves a lot of time and effort and the building goes in in one night usually takes three nights then you have to strip it this amazing stuff it really would just leave the bag in there and we fill it at least 10 minutes it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

And that would bring us up to about 75% and then there's the northwest and we are going to come up to 35% yeah so really the Southwest will be about 55% we haven't done another round yet we didn't wait for the bags we're setting it up on the hardest part is what's going on in the Southwest and Northwest there's a break now there's a break because they're fighting so hard no but there's a break there because they're busy elsewhere and they will be for a while then they're going to trust each other when we're taking the stuff out they're saying good room for stuff and it's true too and on the East Coast they're getting ready too it's a little space there we also going to pull out the Delta and we'll be up to about 25% we already have a lot of factories up and running about 90% of what we moved and people are working man that started up a week ago and everybody turned into a spaz no

More shortly

Thor Freya

Olympus

Sheesh a guy wants to buy a girl a rocket launcher if you want to call me baby song I mean Jesus ridiculous

Hera

[waterforlorn]

day four. october 10th. 9:02am

day five. october 11th. 11:38 am

two days are gonna go in one entry, cause i already know i ain't gonna do SHIT today and i didn't get to write anything down yesterday. turns out nico's decided that being sappy in just one place wouldn't cut it. so he took me not only to 1 waterfall, but 3. you'd think if you saw one, you saw them all, but nah.

i hate how easy this is to him, like he's never done anything else in his damn life while i'm barely hanging on. like, i'm FINE, i'm not worried per se, i'm just taking every day as it comes. i'm trying to adapt to nico's pace, trying to keep up with him and i think i'm not doing terribly but geez. days like today DO make me worry if he isn't gonna realize i ain't relationship material. i wouldn't blame him if he dropped me for someone more.... well, more. just more ... i don't even know how to word it cause sure, i'm lacking in something i never wanted to even be good at in the first place so it's not like i wish i'd done differently in the past to be better.

i know i wouldn't. i didn't WANT to until that dumbass looked at me with his stupid puppy eyes. one hook up was all i wanted. maybe a few more. casual shit. but how can i run from someone whose happiness makes ME happy? the moment i set foot into the hepha-whatever cabin after avoiding him for like what? days? a week? don't remember. the way he beamed when he saw me. i never fucking cared about other people's happiness, even less so what they thought of me. until nico. such a damn bother.

he demanded we take a picture together like an actual couple, which.. i mean... we ....are? yeah. kinda. i guess? like, we didn't exactly talk about it, but we talked about retiring together, we exchanged weapons... i mean like... even if i wanted to claim we aren't.. we ARE. the nice lady taking our picture was way too nosy but nico ...handled her so i didn't have to. thank fuck.

i thought we'd grab lunch after and maybe get back on the road, but no. second waterfall, nico ... i don't even know how he did it, but we had a picnic there. a picnic. like a pair of dumbasses. it was good though, guess he found someone to prep food for him. no picture that time. though he did kiss me and some guy with kids semi-choked. not the first time i've witnessed that. though i never felt defensive about it before. i never really cared about the people who kissed me in public, i just wanted to get off.

nico held me back though. good thing he's calm. sometimes. cause i ain't. like ever. by the time we reached the third waterfall, it was dark and of course he knew. cause when we came there and i told him we should just go back because going to see a waterfall in after sunset made no sense... well, of course nico knew what he was doing. it fucking glowed in the dark. don't ask me why someone thought it a good idea, but the place was crowded, so ... someone had a pretty good idea when they decided that. it was pretty.

after that, well.. we were busy for most of the night. i thought about sneaking out of bed to write, but nico at night... is like.. fifty percent security system, fifty person huggy bear. you get up, he'll know and worry. you don't get up, he'll snuggle your ass off. not .......that i mind. I DON'T. i like the way his body feels against mine even when we're NOT fucking.

soooo yeah it's like.. 12 pm by now. uh, not sure what the plan is for today, but i'm guessing food and driving, which is fine with me. i can drive for a while, too. i wonder if nico has more of these ... uhhhh dates? was it a date? well, kinda? whatever. i wonder if he's got more planned. guess i'll find out. kind of unfair HE got to prepare and i'm getting dragged along. WHATEVER.

nico's out getting breakfast... or lunch. both kinda. i can't believe i slept till 11. way to piss off my schedule. but it's okay. IT'S OK. i can derivate from the schedule sometimes. i'll be fine. it was worth it, too.

thoughts and emotions and stuff uh... think i got into that already up top but.. feeling a little frustrated with stuff. torn .. yeah. maybe overwhelmed, but like i'm not panicking. i'm just... overwhelmed and trying to follow the current. otherwise... i'm good. i mean like.. really good. pretty damn good if i ignore the little voice singing for me to find a target.

as for plans? just ... trying to think of a way to show appreciation i guess. nico's trying really hard and i feel like it's a pretty one-sided process for him. I KNOW WHY but he doesn't. i don't think he realizes he's the big exception.

and i hope he never finds out. he'd be unstoppable.

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

9/22/2023 DAB Chronological Transcription

Zechariah 8-14

Welcome to Daily Audio Bible Chronological. I'm Jill and today's the 22nd day of September. It's my joy to be here with you and read the Bible for us in chronological order. So there's this thing that happens in Nashville with with the weather, we get this little taste of the temperatures that drop and I just get giddy inside because I live for the fall. I love all things fall, the colors, the temperatures. But Nashville has fall for like, a second. Like you blink or you sneeze, you're going to miss fall, so we'll we'll get this thing where the temps will drop and you get all excited. You start pulling out your sweaters and your layers and your little hats and cute coats and you start thinking all things pumpkin spice and then Nashville goes, oh, just kidding it's not fall. We just we wanted to tempt you and torture your your fall soul and then it spikes back up to 115 degrees. Not really that hot, but it just got blazing like back into the 90s and I'm like, no can't wear a cute sweater in 90 degree weather. So this is where we're at and it just made me think that isn't this true of life? We are ready for a different season. We are ready to move on. We are ready to get past this. We're done. We're sick. We're tired. We we need something new and there is unfinished business. And that season it has something more to say to us, something more to teach us or something more to do in us. So whatever these hot temperatures are trying to say, you know, I'm here to listen. But I'm also ready to build a bridge and get over it. I'm ready for the fall. I don't know about you all, but I am ready for fall. Bring on the chili cook off and the pumpkins and just all the apple, orchardy things that fall can muster, I am ready, but I'm going to have to wait. So there's the lesson in that. I'm waiting and waiting with great hope and great anticipation for fall to come. Yesterday we started the book of Zechariah. Today we're going to finish the book of Zechariah. We're reading chapters 8 through 14 today, and this week we're reading the Christian Standard Bible. Zechariah chapter 8.

Prayer:

Father, we thank you for your word today and as we read this context of Scripture we hear how you restored your people. And we know that that was always and is always your desire to restore us, to redeem us, to restore everything that was lost and broken. Rebirth. Renewal. Restoration. Restore. Redeemed. Do again.We are so grateful that that is still true of the nature of who you are, that is who you are. That is what you do. You still restore and not just including us, but especially us, to be with you again. To redeem that which was lost to make new again and again. And again. And we thank you for it. We pray this now in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Announcements:

That's going to do it for me today. I'm Jill. We'll turn the page together tomorrow until then, love one another. 

Community Prayer Line:

Good afternoon, Daily Audio Bible Community. This is Diane Olive and Jeff Brown and we're responding to the September 12th, 2023 Tuesday reading for Chronological with China. And we're- we want to pray for the girl. It seemed like a young girl and if I'm right, she has an a baby and her husband is just very, very discouraged, suicidal and she he just wants to talk all the time about suicide. And this girl is just a young girl with a with a baby beside herself. So my husband Jeff and I are going to pray. Honey, we surround you with faith and love. And the Lord showed me for you to pray, Psalm 23. The Shepherd song. Let it be for you and your husband. And this suicidal thing is not of God, it is of the devil himself. And so we just surround you with faith and love and your husband, too. And Psalm 23. And I'm going to pray that as many verses as I can get in make it into a personal prayer for you. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me down to lie in pastures green. He leadeth me the quiet waters. My soul He doth restore again.

Hey my dazzling DABC fam, this is Kingdom Seeker Daniel. Tiffany from New York. I heard your heart and I wanted to share something with you. Psalms 121 verse one and two says. I lift up my eyes to the hills. And then he asked a question. From where does my help come?Then he answers the question. My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. You said you need help praying for your husband. Well that's your help, just lift your eyes to the Lord. I remember hearing Joyce Myers say years ago one of the most powerful prayers we can pray is Lord help. Simple. So I want you to just ask him to help. Just as you called in and asked for help, you ask your father to help and he'll do it. Father Your daughter Tiffany's husband is trouble. He's dealing with darkness. He's feeling pressed beyond measure to the point of wanting to end his life. You see what has taken place in his life over the many years. God, I pray that you would bind up the strongman that has been lying to this man and telling him that there is no need to keep going. Father, will you breakthrough? Will you help this man to lift his eyes, to lift his faith, to trust you? And encourage Tiffany along the way to know that you are the help that is on the way. In Jesus name. 

Salutations, DABC family. This is His little songbird from Alberta, Canada. And.I want to intercede right now for Tiffany from New York and her husband as well. Right now, I want to address the spirit of suicide. Spirit of suicide, we come up against you, we do not partner with you, and we cast you back from whence you came. You are no longer allowed to bother this man. He is sanctified through the faith of his wife Tiffany. So you need to pack your bags and you are being commanded to leave in the name of Jesus. Father God, we come before you right now, Lord, and we lift up Tiffany and her husband. I want to thank you so much for their precious lives and their child as well. Lord, I ask that you please put a hedge of protection around Tiffany and her husband and around their child. Lord, I ask. I plead the blood of Jesus to be poured out upon this man and upon their home. Lord, and I thank you so much that you have not allowed him to take his life because it is so precious. There is a testimony in all this, and Lord, I truly believe that it is going to be a big one. So I thank you, Father. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[alecsnotalex]

Hello, world. Me again. I feel like a good sign of me not being too depressed anymore is when I barely get to journal. But that sucks, because I don't want to look back here and only see depressing shit. And also, I want to actually keep a journal so that I'm gonna do.

Today was a good day. I started my day early, at 4 am. I woke up, and decided I wanted to finish my reading, and so, I did. I finished my reading on Helfert for my COMM 410 class. Finished around 6:20, and then I skated to work. I only worked three hours today cause we're back to working 19 hours, so I worked til 9:15 and it was a good shift. Not too busy, and we're training new people too.

So after that, I went home, borrowing a laptop with me. I took an hour nap, and afterwards, I woke up around 10:30, made some carbonara for me and Lorran. Today was a busy day for him too, and yesterday, he worried a lot about not being able to go to caf to eat at all, so I also made him 3 musubis. I love making food for him.

At 1:00, we headed for the library, and I renewed my laptop, and Lorran had to go to work. At 1:30, I headed to class, and had a great discussion, although I liked COMM 251 a lot better. But overall, it's still good. I am happy I got to read the reading material fully before the start of class, and I plan to do it again later.

After class around 2:30, I went back to the library, and I tried to study, but to no avail. I guess I was just too tired, I met with Lorran a bit and bummed around the library for 2 hours. Taleah and Kaleigh were inviting me to go to the beach, but I didn't feel like going because I had to work on my presentation on Musser for Thursday. So I told them I couldn't, and then went home at 4:30, taking a nap til 7. Around 7:30, I woke up and tried to work on things at the hale comlab, and at 8, I chatted with Taleah and Kaleigh on instagram, and found out it was Kaleigh's birthday!

Around 8:30, Taleah and Kaleigh came and brought smores cookies and rice and chicken which was perfect because I fell asleep hungry and woke up hungry. Kaleigh went home around 9:30, and I stayed with Taleah walking around and chatting til 11:11, we also saw Isa and chatted.

It was a fun day, although I wish I got to say goodbye to Davis' dad and brother, and I wish I got to spend more time with Lorran. But that's okay.

The only thing I need to do, is get the reading done for Musser and take notes. Then wake up again at 4:30 later to spend 1 hour each on readings on POSC350 and POSC358.

Til then,

I am still alive. Surviving.

[mint-moon25]

GO - AMAZON - THIS - IS - TRULY

EXCITING - BUT - SINCE - NOT XO

BUYING - BULK - MEANING - 25

PEOPLE - BUYING - SAME - YES

SHIRT - DEAR - FOLLOWERS -

THEY - SAY - WITH APRIL ARIES

AFTER - WINNING - ANYTHING

THERE's - A - MOMENT - OF XO

SLIGHTLY - DOWN - EXAMPLE

TOKYO - JAPAN

MOST - GENEROUS - WORLD

PRO SPORTS - BENEFACTOR

AS - CHILD - WON - WORLD

KENDO - CHAMPIONSHIP 2

TIMES - 1 - PREPARED - FOR

2ND - WAS - A - SURPRISE - I

ARRIVED - IN - TOKYO - 2 YES

BOYS - GOT - MY AUTOGRAPH

SAID - TODAY - COMPETITION

AGAIN - WAS - IN - SHOCK HAI

DIDN'T KNOW - SO OBVIOUSLY

ENTERED - NO - WARM UP AND

WON - TOTAL - 2 YEARS - CASH

500 MILLION - JAPANESE WON

HAVEN'T - SPENT - YET - TODAY

MAKATI - BANKS

FREE - INTEREST - BEARING

OUR - ACCOUNTS - AUTO PH

PLACED - IN - MANY - ONES

2 - PROTECT - NO ONE - YES

KNOWS - WHO - ARE - RICH

WHO - ARE - POOR - ALL - R

EVENLY - DISTRIBUTED YES

AN - APRIL - ARIES

GETS - EXCTIED - ENTERS A

COMPETITION - PREPARES

WINS - NO - FEAR - EVER - 2

BUT - AFTER - WINNING

ONE - MOMENT - 3 MONTHS

AFTER - THERE's - A - DOWN

TIME - WHAT - IF - SHE LOST

INJURED - MADE - MISTAKE

BODY - BROKEN - HEALING 2

YESTERDAY - WAS - MY - DAY

BUT - EACH - TIME - WENT - 2

DISPAIR - BECAUSE - ARMED

POLICE - AUTHORITY - JUST

ATTACK - ME - ASIAN - AND

EUROPEAN - WHY - 4 - SMALL

EYES - SMALL - BREASTS - AS

BLKS - SAY - 'PEA - BRAIN'

WHY - USUALLY - ASIANS ARE

HIGH SCHOOL - NO 1 - USUALLY

VALEDICTORIAN - SKIP SENIOR

YEAR - HARVARD - ALWAYS USU

ACCOUNTING - MARRIED 2 KIDS

BMW - ALL - PAID - IN - FULL - 2

WHY - WE'RE - CALLED -

GREEN - 'PEA - BRAIN' - AS BLKS

HISPANICS - THEY - STUDY - WE

USUALLY - DON'T - JEALOUS YES

HOMELESS - BLKS

THEY - ALLOW - 2 - SLEEP - ON

PARK - GROUND - ANYWHERE

THE - STREET

WHAT - 2 - DO

CALL - RED - FIRE & RESCUE

IMMEDIATELY - HOSPITAL - 2

WAKE UP - 2 - AND - HERE's

ANOTHER - I - HAVE - MAJOR

COMPLAINT - ABOUT - USA

HOSPITALS - 4 - HOBOS SMELL

SO - BAD - HOW - ABOUT - THEY

ARE - GIVEN - SLEEPING -

INJECTIONS - AND - YES -

MAJOR - SHOWER - THEIR -

CLOTHES - CLEANED - ALL -

THINGS - DISENFECTED AND -

BILLED - SO - AS - THEY WAKE -

UP - HOSPITAL - UNIFORMS -

THEY - GET - HUGE - BILL - 4 -

MAYBE - A - JOB - AFTER ALL -

THAT's - ANOTHER - THING

WHY - NOT - HOSPITALS HAVE

WHO - WILL GET - GUARANTEED

JOBS - LIKE - GARBAGE - CLEAN

CLEANERS - MAIDS - JUSTS - YES

2 - CLEAN - CLEAN - CLEAN - GET

THEM - IDs - NEEDED - 2 REMAIN

DOING - TOILET - CLEANING

BUT - INSTEAD - POLICE ALLOW

HOBOS - ON - GROUND - MIAMI

HOW - ABOUT - AUTO

DID - U - SEE - BUM - ASLEEP

ON - STREET - PARK - ETC

PRESS - ( 1 )

SAY - CROSS - STREETS

SAY - PARK - NAME

INSTEAD - ALWAYS - FEMALE

ANSWERING - AND - FAVORITE

REPLY - 'NOT - POLICE MATTER'

YOUR - POLITICIANS

HAVE - NOT - DONE - ANYTHING

INSTEAD - SIGNS -

TENT - SIGNS - PAID - BY TAXES

PICTURE - OF - TENT - ILLEGAL

'CAMPING - PROHIBITED'

POLITICIANS - LOCAL - GOV'T

ALL - JOIN

'TO - KILL - A - MOCKINGBIRD'

KILL - HOMELESS

WHY WE'RE PRAYING - 200 MPH

DEADLY - HURRICANE - WINDS

THUS - HARVARD - LAW

WE - NEED - INTERVENTION

SW NORTH RIVER DR

CROSS STREETS -

SW 2 ST - AND - SW 3 ST

NEXT - 2 - PARKING LOT 17

NEAR - THE - WHARF

FOOD - AND - DRINKS

THURSDAY - 2 - SUNDAY

BOX VAULT - SELF STORAGE

FR - THERE - FARTHER

W FLAGLER ST

TURN R - STRAIGHT - ON LEFT

MAIN - LIBRARY - STAIRS

MON - SAT

9:30A - 6P

WAS - GOING - 2 B - DEPRESSED

MOMENTS - 2 - CRY - BUT - YES

DINNER - STARTED - WITH

FUJI - APPLE - DELICIOUS

SALAMI - HAM - SANDWICH

WATER

30 MIN - LATER

HALF - OF - CHICKEN - ONLY

DELIGHTFUL - SOFT - & NICE

NO - DRINK

30 MIN - AFTER

WOW - 2 - TENTS - GOT FREE

7 WATERS - TOTALLY SO NICE

THURSDAYS

THUS - GONE - WANTED - 2 B

DEPRESSED

FROM - WHAT - I - GATHERED

AMAZON - BUSINESS - PRIME

FREE - SHIPPING

SAME - DAY - 1 DAY - 2 DAYS 2

AMAZON - IMPORTER - SPREADR

SHOPIFY - APP - CAN - CONTINUE

2 - USE - AMAZON - PRIME

DO - U - HAVE - BUSINESS

ADDRESS - I DON'T - LACK

OF - ID - THAT - WOULD BE

DOWNTOWN - MIAMI

THE - UPS - STORE

$117 - EACH - MONTH

UNLIMITED - US MAIL

25 PACKAGES - ONLY

BUSINESS - OR - PERSONAL

BUT - IF - U - DO - TAX - ID NO

IRS . GOV

FREE SELF - PROPRIETORSHIP

GET - YOUR - NAME - 4 - YOUR

STATE - BUT - REGISTER - NOS

THEY - DON'T - KEEP - ANY NO

LIKE - MINE

CAILEY's - STORE

TAX - ID

FREE - AT - IRS . GOV

MORE - THAN - 10 MIN

I - HAVE - ONLY - ZOHO

BUSINESS - EMAIL - ADDRESS

ONE - USER

AMAZON - BUSINESS - PRIME

ANNUAL FEE - TAX DEDUCTIBLE

$69

TAX - EXEMPTIONS

PRICES - CAN - B - CHEAPER

THAN PERSONAL - PRIME - 2

GUIDED - BUYING - TOOL

FLAG - PREFERRED - SELLERS

BOTH - PERSONAL - BUSINESS

30 DAYS - FREE - TRIAL

AMAZON - CHECKS - YOUR

DETAILS - LESS THAN 24 HRS

REQUIREMENTS

ZOHO - BUSINESS - EMAIL

THE - UPS STORE

BUSINESS - ADDRESS

TAX - ID - FREE - IRS . GOV

SELF - PROPRIETOR

WHAT - I - WANT - I - EARN

FIRST - WITH - MY - PRIME

AMAZON - IMPORTER SPREADR

SHOPIFY - APP - PRO - $10 - FOR

UNLIMITED - PRODUCTS

AUTO - SYNC

CHROME - EXTENSION

ASUS - PEN - TOUCHSCREEN

NEW - LAPTOP - AT - AMAZON

EARNED - $5,000

THEN - REGISTERING - AT

INC FILE .com

GOLD - PLAN - OVER - $200

1 EMPLOYEE - LLC

LIIMITED - LIABILITY

THE - UPS STORE - DOWNTOWN

MIAMI - FLORIDA - FL - $117

BANK - OF - AMERICA BUSINESS

NEW - TAX ID - NO

GOT - ZOHO - BUSINESS - EMAIL

CAILEY's - STORE

cailey . store

SHOPIFY - ONLINE - STORE

BASIC - $29.99 - FR - RECALL

THUS - SKIPPING - ZONIFY

GO - AMAZON

SHOPIFY - 'SEARCH' - APP

$3.95 - SHOPIFY's SEARCH

TOTAL - DUD - NOT - GREAT

[1234-angelika]

Hospital Visits

an:Hey y'all! This ones coming out a little late, I meant it to be out yesterday but here we are. Still super excited for this week even though we're nearing the end. Still have some content coming out in the next few days for the series as a whole. This is the second installment in the Happily Ever After series for Luke. As always, enjoy!

words:1.2 k

warnings:canon-typical injury, mentions of canon-typical violence, hospital setting

summary:"There's a difference in living and living well. You can't have it all, all by yourself. Something's always missing, 'til you share it with someone else."-George Strait

masterpost|taglist|have an idea

Over the next two months, you often found yourself in the company of Luke and Roxy, who had both become good friends during that time.

It had become a routine to walk through the park whenever you were on your way home in hopes of running into the two of them. In those two months, it had happened just over a handful of times, but when it did, the three of you would hang out until the sun went down. You hadn't seen him for a couple of days, so you assumed he was just busy. He hadn't shared what he did for work. All you knew was that he was a former US Army Ranger.

You had started today bright and early. You were up and 'ate before the sun was even fully up. Being self-employed meant doing tasks that you wouldn't do in a typical 9-5 job. Monday meant payday so, after a hard gym session and a soothing shower, you set to work. First was balancing the books and determining final costs. Next was making the list of people to be paid, and last was sending out the payments. After all, was said and done, you felt like you could relax a little bit. You ordered yourself breakfast from your favourite restaurant and just chilled for the morning, with the occasional Instagram shot, of course.

Around noon, you began to get ready to actually do some work. You were filming another unboxing video, with packages leftover and some new from your PO box, and reviewing some clothing brands that had been sent to you. You got ready quickly but precisely, remembering that you were going to be on camera for hours and under the lights for just as long. After getting prepared, you set to work.

You worked for hours until finally, you took a short break to recharge. With some water, a snack and a bathroom break, you were ready to work again. As you set up for your next video, your phone rang. Startling you out of your concentrated state. The blocked number on the screen was enough to encourage you not to answer the phone but, your curiosity got the better of you.

"Hello?" You said, answering your phone.

"Is this Y/N Y/L/N?" Asked a cheery voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yeah. Sorry, who is this?"

"Darling, my name is Penelope Garcia. I work for the FBI—"

"FBI? Did I do something wrong?" You asked, panicked, trying to rack your brain for any reason the FBI would be calling you.

"—No, not at all. I understand that you know Supervisory Special Agent Luke Alvez," She answered in a soothing tone, helping you to calm down a bit but still not entirely sure why the FBI would call you, even if it was for Luke.

"I met him a few months ago but, I just know him as Luke. We usually hang out at the park with his dog…."

"Okay well, darling, he's been shot." She said, getting straight to the point.

"What?!"

"He was shot in the arm, he had surgery but the doctors said he will make a full recovery and he kept mumbling your name as he was coming out of the sedation. I'll send you the address of the hospital."

"Thanks Penelope…" You said, kind of numbly. Mostly just trying to absorb the information you had just been given.

"Good luck Y/N!"

You quickly changed out of the sample clothes and into a comfy outfit. Slipping on shoes hurriedly, you grabbed your purse and rushed out the door. After locking the door behind you, you went down to your car. Clicking on the location pin Penelope had sent you, you started up the GPS and set on the way to the hospital. You quickly got frustrated trying to find parking in the parking lot and decided to park on the street instead. You all but jogged into the hospital, looking for anyone who could provide you with an update. The head nurse just pointed you to an official-looking woman who was in the waiting room. You walked up to her and took some deep breaths before introducing yourself.

"Excuse me?"

"Yes?"

Pointing to the nurse's station, you said, "They told me you could give me an update on Luke Alvez."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Y/N Y/L/N, a friend of Lukes. Who are you?"

You didn't even finish your sentence before a look you couldn't quite make out made its way onto her face.

"I'm supervisory special agent Emily Prentiss. I'm Lukes boss, I can take you to him."

The two of you set off walking through the never-ending corridors. In the silence, questions just kept swarming your head. In an attempt to keep them at bay, you asked, "What happened to him?"

She turned, briefly looking at you before she said, "Officially, I can't say too much. In the course of apprehending our UnSub, he got shot. The bullet knicked his subclavian artery, which is basically the shoulder area. He'll have to stay at the hospital 3 days but the doctor said he will make a full recovery."

You knew you were the one who asked, and she was just answering your question, but, at that moment, you had never wanted to yell at someone more. Where was his partner—assuming he has one? How did this happen? You only noticed you arrived at his room when Emily stopped walking. She opened the door and led you into the room before walking back out. Leaving you alone, with a sleeping Luke, to wait. After a couple hours in the hospital and you began to get hungry. You were reaching out for the Jell-O on his tray table when a hand grabbed your wrist.

"Don't take the jell-o please," a groggy voice startled you the same way the hand had.

You turned to see if the voice had come from Luke, and to your surprise, you found his warm brown eyes looking back at you. Jumping up to hug him, you shrieked, "Luke!"

A little confused, he asked, "Y/N, when did you get here?"

"You kept muttering my name to the doctors when you were coming off of the anesthesia."

"Well, I've been thinking about you while I'm working."

"What about me?"

He took a deep breath, and you noticed his heart sped up as the monitor beeped faster.

"Y/N Y/L/N, will you go on a date with me?"

A smile blossomed on your cheeks, and a warmth spread throughout your body, and you said jokingly, "well, with you on your deathbed, how could I say no?"

taglist:@multixfandomwriter @myescapefromthislife

[solesurvivorpaigeargot]

HOLY HELLO Sketchy friends, followers, and fans! It's that time again, time for...

SHIPPY SATURDAY!

The heck is happening here? Here's an FAQ~ Wanna support the event? Here's my Ko-fi!

That's right, it's FINALLY the last Saturday of the month... and I've decided it's high time our Quotable prompt evolved into a Dialog prompt! This is gonna work a lot like previous Quote prompts, but with an extra twist, so please make sure you read the guidelines for a valid request before sending in!

ONWARDS!

To make a VALID Shippy Saturday request, please send me the following in an ASK to my ASKBOX:

The COUPLE you'd like me to sketch up ---- OC? Heck yes! Canon? Hell yeah! All characters welcome, so long as they're from Fallout ---- OC x OC? Cool! Canon x Canon? SWEET! OC x Canon? DAMN RIGHT.

The NUMBER of the dialog snippet you'd like me to art them saying ---- Got more than one favorite? You may list up to THREE in your ask, in order of preference, to help the artist avoid repeats <3 ---- Still can't pick? Send in 'Dealer's Choice!' and the artist will pick one for you.... oooor possibly make up some fresh dialog on the spot ;3

What KIND OF RELATIONSHIP your couple has with each other ---- Romantic? Platonic? Professional? Familial? Rivals? Neighbors? Despite it's name, Shippy Saturday is about all kinds of human connections, not just the romantic ones! ---- Is your couple part of a larger OT3 or poly group? Tell me who else is part of the relationship; they probably won't get arted, but they might add their two cents to the scene from off-frame XD

IF YOU'RE SENDING IN AN OC!! ---- Send your request ask FIRST, without reference information ---- THEN send your OC's reference information to me via my Tumblr IM ---- Don't have any reference pictures, but you can type of a written description? Great! I love working from written descriptions! :D [ No, really, I do. Give them to me :D ]

After that, you can leave all the rest to me! :D [ I.e Please do not request poses or specific actions ]

Hokay? HOKAY! With all of that out of the way, let's get onto the dialog snippets! These are taken from various things I enjoy, as well as some of my own work. These quotes have been modified to gender neutral pronouns, to remove most proper nouns, and for brevity.

[ Some of these quotes have multiple speakers! That will be shown like this! "Speaker A" -- "Speaker B" ]

"Yeah, well, I'm a victim of circumstance" -- "... I thought you called it your pecker."

"Here, you look cold."

"You are so lucky I love you." -- "Damn right."

"You know the routine." -- "Yeah! WE do all the work, YOU get all the credit!"

"I want you with me, but... I'm scared." -- "Trust me. Trust me to take care of myself." -- "I trust you, it's the rest of the world I'm terrified of!"

"No breakfast?" -- "I did it yesterday-- bologna and beans, it's your turn." -- "No... It was eggs. I did eggs... over easy." -- "The hell you did! Bologna and beans, it's your turn!"

"I like the kind of person who can handle themselves... think on their feet."

"So you were ahead of me." -- "I don't know about ahead, but I've been behind you ever since you fried those mannequins."

"Don't make me say it out loud..." -- "... I can say it first, if that'll help."

"Nooooooope... five more minutes." -- "We were together all night." -- "Didn't count... I was sleepin'."

"Well, this is very serious" -- "IT IS!" -- "You, you destroyed a door." -- "Colonel, we're talking about a test on an armored vehicle, that will carry people into combat." -- "Right, but this door is property of--" -- "The shell barely penetrated the door." -- "okay, but now it's all bent out of shape. How are you gonna get it back on its hinges?" -- "I'LL BUY THE ARMY A NEW GODDAMN DOOR!"

"Sorry, I thought... I thought you were trying to buy something I'm not selling."

"I'm busy." -- "Too busy to look up?"

"You can't kill people just because you don't agree with them." -- "You see, that was the ONE point me and the doctors could never agree upon."

"Would you ever consider having a drink with an enlisted solider?" -- "Depends... does the enlisted soldier think I need one?" -- "What are they gonna do? Kick you out?"

"Thanks" -- "No problem, anytime."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up-- one day it's gonna happen to you. Someday someone is gonna ask you, who is it? And a face is gonna jump to the front of your mind, and it's gonna completely sandbag you... I can't wait to watch!"

[to a peacefully sleeping person ] -- "Good moring, Mx. ___, this is your wake-up call. Please move your ass."

"I say we run for it" -- "Running isn't a plan, runnin's what you do when a plan fails!"

"... Normal Illinois, is that on the map?" -- "Yes, Sergeant, it is." -- "... is it normal in Normal?" -- "... Uneventful, I think, is the word."

"Now-- how many brahmin does it take to make a stampede? Is it like... three or more? Is there a minimum speed?" -- "Wish a stampede up your ass."

"I don't mind being a secret of yours."

[Right after THE BIG FUCKING KISS] ".... let's not make it a year before the next one, okay?"

"If we were serious about money, we'd quit being hired hands--" -- "Handymen! We are han-dee-men." -- "Oh whatever! We'd quit this and go find some real money."

"Please... don't go where I can't follow."

"Alone is fine! I can do alone, it's worrying after them that's got me all wound up!" -- "Have you considered that's because alone is NOT FINE and you don't wanna do it anymore?" -- "---!!"

"This is not the first time you've been here." -- "We've been down this road before, that is correct." -- "Several times, in fact." -- "I hadn't been keeping count."

"And you must be ___, I've heard all about you." -- "I deny everything."

"First time I saw you? I thought to myself, that's the kind of person BRICK WALLS jump outta the way of." -- "Figured you'd be safer behind me rather than in front of me?" -- "Damn right."

"Just keep looking at that beautiful sky; that's the sky that'll be over our roof when we're done." -- "What if we don't finish the roof? Then we can look at the sky all the time."

"Yeah, well... maybe a friend is what I need right now."

"Next thing you know the Feds will be at our door; Sorry, time to move out, Eminent Domain." -- "Down honey, down."

"Even a heat-seeking missile can miss a target." -- "... you taped so many hot-plates to the test target you could fry an egg at 20 feet, and it STILL missed by a mile."

"My dear, my darling, love of my life...." -- "What do you want?"

"What I mean to say is... you make here a better place to be. For me. Easier. Does that make sense?"

"Calm down, you make it sound like a war." -- "What do you people have against being prepared?!"

"This is not just a report, it's a deadly weapon." -- "Sir, an M-16 is a deadly weapon. A report is just a pile of paper, unless you plan to inflict a lot of extremely vicious paper cuts."

"Stupid son of a bitch, knocked himself out cold..." -- "Cold my ass, he's dead."

"Y'know, in baseball, a guy who hits .400 is consider pretty damn great." -- "In baseball the losing team isn't killed by their opponents."

"Hey... I love you. Did I tell you that today?"

This post is going online at 8 PM, June 24th, 2021, US Pacific time. The askbox will open for requests until 6 PM, June 25th, 2021, US Pacific Time. Get yours in now!

Arting will begin at 9 AM tomorrow morning, see you then! :D

-Loor

[allkinds-oftrash]

To Lady Paige, With Love

A/N: Hello everyone! This is my first time writing for Bridgerton and Regency in general so hopefully it's not too OOC and modernized but do let me know if you have tips to make the writing style seem more regency-like.

Main Pairing: Eloise Bridgerton x FemOC! Paige Crane (Past! Marina Thompson x Paige Crane)

Anyways this came to me as an idea because I just could not stand Phillip in the original To Sir Phillip, With Love and big thanks to @ladiesofwinterfell whose Phillip posts only fuelled my need for a new version of TSPWL. So I wanted to try my hand at writing a genderbent version of him who softer and kinder in her approach when with Marina. Instead, I somehow made a completely new character who happens to be his twin sister Paige. I tried my best to follow the book very closely with of course changes to the point of view and how Marina is treated by Paige. Another thing to note is that I used a mix of the show (especially when crafting Marina's backstory it's straight out of S1) and book's background of the characters.

I'm going to stop babbling now, and happy reading everyone!

Content & Trigger Warnings: Mentions/Descriptions of (Postpartum) Depression, Implied Child Neglect, Suicide Ideation, Suicide Attempt, Teen Pregnancy (?? I dunno if this needed to be tagged as tw but Imma add it anyways), Death and Grief.

Part 2 - Chapter 1: Right Where You Left Me

Prologue: Take Me To The Lakes [14th February 1823]

It shouldn’t have been a sunny day. It was far too beautiful of a day for a tragedy to occur.

A tragedy on Valentine’s Day, it was almost laughable.

Paige had asked the servants to open up Marina’s curtains. She knew the sunlight would do her some good. While waiting for the kitchen staff to prepare a delightful breakfast of pancakes - Marina’s favourite - she decided to check on her flowers. She had grown a lovely patch of Eden roses, specially for her best friend.

Ever since her brother Phillip and her were children, they were enamoured with botany. Phil, of course, immersed himself in the science of it. Paige preferred simple gardening. If she needed information on more complex maintenance of their plants, she knew where to find his textbooks. Over the years, Paige had developed a thumb as green as her brother’s. While Philip used botany as an escape, Paige used it as a way to connect. It was the very same type of roses that helped Paige find her way to Marina.

September 1812

Marina Thompson was a sight to behold. Her corkscrew curls were half pinned up, allowing the bottom wave of curls to be free. Paige couldn’t help but be mesmerised at how well suited her hairstyle was. Marina had a side part, almost covering the left side of her face. She donned the most simple of peach day dresses. Yet to the Crane girl, it seemed to be the most beautiful piece of garment she could have worn. To this day, Paige swears she heard music swell around her the moment she saw Marina bent over, smelling the rose bush.

She takes a deep breath. It helped ground her to muster the confidence to approach the beautiful stranger. The Crane twins have always been shy and reserved. It had done nothing good for them. She was tired of letting life pass her by. Philip could hide in the bushes for all she cared. Today, Paige decided to make a choice. A choice that could potentially bring her happiness. She was going to talk to the girl who made her heart sing.

Taking baby steps, she finally reaches Marina and gives her an awkward smile. When she needed it most, words seemed to fail her. Marina felt Paige’s presence hovering and looked up. She smiled kindly at her and handed over a rose she had plucked. Paige looked down at the rose, in a slight panic. She was rooted to the ground, unable to say or move.

“Good evening, Miss…?” Marina kept her eyes trained on Paige. She trailed her greeting off, hoping to get a name. Paige immediately fell for the warmth in her eyes. She felt safe. That definitely helped to ease her up.

“Crane. Paige Crane.” She cleared her throat awkwardly before introducing herself. She takes the rose from Marina and the two girls shake hands. All Paige could think about was how warm and soft her hand felt. Struggling to say more, she turned her focus to the rose. She twirled it around in her fingers and looked at her companion.

“These are Eden roses, also known as Rosa ‘Pierre De Ronsard’ named after the French poet. However, it was far too pretentious of a name for those out of the French border. So it was renamed Eden Climber to convey the idea of paradise was created by the exceptional beauty of this rose.” She was acutely aware she was rambling. It was the way Marina was watching her intently that brought her comfort. Marina gave her a cheeky smile when she was done with the fun fact.

“An exceptionally beautiful rose for an exceptional beauty.” Marina gestured to Paige. The botanist’s cheeks started to turn as pink as the rose.

“Eden roses from the girl who seemed to have fallen from Eden.” She thought to herself...until she heard Marina chuckle. Paige stared at her, horrified. “I thought out loud, didn’t I?”

Marina nodded, laughing with her whole body now. If Paige could have bottled the sound, she would. Marina grinned at Paige as she looped her arm through hers.

“Don’t be embarrassed. That was a lovely compliment. I think we're going to be wonderful friends, Paige Crane.”

They have been inseparable since.

***

With Phillip away on business for the week, Paige made sure to spend extra time with Marina. She carefully cut the stems of the roses to make a small bouquet. She tied them together and brought them straight to the kitchen. She placed the roses by the pancake plate. She picked up the tray and made her way to Marina's room. She balanced the tray on one hand and knocked with the other as she crossed the threshold.

"Marina, are you awake, love?" Paige asked gently. She stepped closer to her and held out the roses. "I brought you your favourite roses too, Eden Climbers. An exceptional beauty for an exceptional beauty." She echoed the line from their first meeting.

It was love at first sight. She remembered how much fun they had together. Oh where had the time gone? She frowned when she noticed the curtains were shut again. She set down the breakfast tray by her nightstand before making herself comfortable next to Marina lying down.

"If you could walk to shut the curtains, you can sit up to have some breakfast. I had the chef make your favourite." Paige attempted to waft the smell of pancakes in the direction of her companion. Marina simply turned away and stared out at the window. Paige reached out to gently stroke her hair.

Marina had her good and bad days come and go. Paige knew she had to give her space and let her heal on her own. It had been 9 years….this was definitely more serious than postpartum. She was sure of it. Paige gave her a few more minutes before digging into the breakfast herself.

"Rina, I will finish all of the pancakes if you don't come get some!" Paige attempted to sound threatening but her meek voice did her no favours. She caught a silver of a smile on Marina's face. That was all she needed that day. They just had to get through this one moment at a time.

"I saw that, love. Would it be easier if I fed you?"

Marina managed a small nod. She detested feeling like this. Like she was constantly drowning. If everyone thought they couldn't understand why she was this way, she hadn't had the foggiest idea either. Most of all, she hated how it affected Paige. Marina knew she didn't deserve this. Paige deserved a whole person not the shell of a woman she had become. She let out a soft sight and did her utmost best to sit up slightly so they wouldn't get syrup all over the sheets.

Slowly and surely, one bite at a time, Marina finished a full pancake by herself. Paige beamed at her proudly after she was done. Marina took the moment to relish in her smile. Paige always made everything better. Marina might have been depressed but she was no fool. She knew what Phillip thought of her. Even if she spent most days unable to leave her bed, she saw the way he looked at her. Like she was a fragile, broken melancholic thing. He didn't see the person underneath. He only saw the shell. Paige… She knew Marina before the twins came along. She knew the true Marina. The one who laughed and smiled and had known joy. The Marina Thompson that loved Paige Crane with all her heart. That should be reason enough to work hard to recover. To retain who she once was. Paige should be enough.

The botanist saw her companion's vacant eyes and knew she was gone for the day. Paige smiled at her comfortingly. "I ought to check on the children. I shall leave you to rest, dearest. Do ring the bell should you need anything at all." She pressed a soft kiss against her forehead before taking her leave.

As she stepped out looking for the children, Miles directed her to Phillip's greenhouse. The children loved to make mischief there when their father wasn't there. She popped her head into the Greenhouse.

"Amanda! Oliver!" She said sharply to startle them. Seeing them jump out of their bones, she couldn't help but laugh. The twins turned to her and frowned.

"Aunt Paige, that's not funny!" They pouted at her. She snorted.

"Well it was pretty funny when you did it to me yesterday. I'm simply returning the favour, my dears." She chuckled, pulling them into her embrace.

Just as she was about to suggest playing hide and seek by the lake, Amanda squeals. "Mother!" She pointed behind Paige. Paige simply blinked at her niece before slowly turning around.

Marina? It couldn't be. She caught sight of a flash of red. Red. Paige smiled to herself as she shook her head. It must be her. Red was her favourite colour. Marina always said she liked it because it was a strong colour and it made her feel strong.

Paige was filled with joy. Marina had finally gotten the strength to step out. She grabs the children's hands to bring them over to their mother. It would do them good to spend time together outside of her room. The trio was halfway across the field when Paige worked out exactly why Marina had come out. The horrifying epiphany clicked when she saw Marina slip rocked into the pockets of her dress. She immediately turned to the children. They did not have to witness this.

“Children, I need you to do me a favour.” She put on her most calming smile. She kept looking back at Marina to see how far she was away from the lake. “Could you be dears and please fetch Miles for me? Then I need you to go and play in your room. Your mother and I need to speak privately.”

“Why is she walking to the lake?” Amanda questioned. Paige tried to keep her composure. If the children kept questioning, she wouldn’t be able to reach Marina in time.

“I will explain later, please get Miles. It’s urgent.” Paige sent them off running while she sprinted in the other direction the moment they were out of sight.

“MARINA, STOP!” She bellowed at her best friend. She skidded across the field and fell face flat just yards away from the lake. Marina was completely oblivious, submerging herself into the depths of the lake. It was just her and the magnetic pull of the lake. It was like Paige wasn’t even there. She quickly recovered. She didn’t waste time undressing and dove straight into the icy waters to rescue Marina. She’ll be damned if she was going to let the love of her life go without a fight.

She couldn’t find her. Marina had dropped off to the deep end and Paige felt like she couldn’t breathe. She could never forgive herself if Marina succeeded. A glimmer of hope shone through when she caught sight of Marina’s ruby red cloak floating to the surface. Before it could get sucked into the depths of the lake, Paige screamed Marina’s name one last time as an attempt to snap her out of it. Of course, Marina couldn’t hear her. Paige set her sight on the flash of red and swam to it.

Paige did the math; Marina had been under barely a minute. It was probably not enough time to drown, but every second it took her to find Marina was one second toward her death.

She remembered swimming in the lakes with Phillip when they were children countless times. While he still swam and knew the lake better than she did. She had a vague idea where the bottom dropped off. She felt relief when she quickly found the critical point with swift, even strokes. The main obstacle was her dress working against the drag of the water, slowly her down. She cursed, not having stripped before she went in. She did her best to overcome it. Saving Marina was far too important.

She told herself she could find her. She had to find her. Before it was too late.

She found herself diving further down the murky waters. She struggled to keep her eyes open with some of the sand from the bottom swirling around her. Marina must have kicked it up as she went down. The opaque clouds of sand were making it difficult to see. Eventually, relief washed over Paige again when she spotted Marina’s red dress.

She didn’t hesitate to shoot through the waters, down to the bottom where she saw the red of her

cloak floating through the water. Paige felt her heart slow down the moment Marina was in her arms. While they were both petite women, Paige did struggle initially to swim up with Marina. Slowly but surely, she forged their way to the surface. Once she had pulled her onto the grassy knoll of the meadow, she had already lost consciousness and was nothing more than a dead weight in Paige’s arms. She took a moment to take big gasps to fill her aching lungs once again. She made sure she was okay herself before turning to save Marina.

Paige tried shaking her awake, rather violently to get the water out of Marina’s system. Just as she started chest compressions, Miles came running over.

“What happened?”

“She...fell in.” She didn’t even look up at him. She hated how her voice trembled as she said that out loud. She couldn’t bring herself to admit that Marina had gone in on purpose. Marina had chosen to leave her. She knew it was hard on her love but she refused to think about it presently. She was too busy trying to revive her. When the chest compressions felt like a failed task, Paige turned to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. She blew the air into her mouth, hoping the water would come up her throat.

“Marina, please.” Paige pleaded as she finished her set of resuscitation. All she could do was wait. She finally turned to look at Miles, “Miles darling, could you help me send someone to fetch the doctor.” She requested, exhausted clear in her voice. He nodded swiftly and set on his task. Just as he turned to head to Romney Hall, Marina coughed up the water and started rasping. Paige gasped and squealed in surprise, launching herself into Marina’s arms. She called Miles back to help her guide Marina back home.

“You came back to me.” She whispered with relief, starting to softly sob against Marina’s chest. Marina was tired and she could barely keep her eyes open. Her head lulled against Paige’s.

“It’s okay, we’re going home.” Paige continued and Marina stirred, frowning.

“No…” Now it was her turn to sob, “Please don’t. Let me go, Paige. I don’t want...I don’t….” She struggled to get the words out. As much as she felt guilty for putting Paige through this whole ordeal, her pain outweighed that. The pain outweighed everything: her love for Paige, the children, even Phillip - as much as he misunderstood her. It outweighed her will to love.

Paige watched her flounder helplessly. She hated seeing Marina in so much turmoil. She didn’t want to say anything to make it worse. She just held her close and brushed her hair soothingly. “It’s alright. Let’s just get you warmed up first.”

“I can’t.” She whispered with the last ounce of energy before passing out in Paige’s arms. Paige looked down at her sadly for a moment before looking up at Miles. She shot him a sheepish look and gestured for help. Miles carried her in his arms easily while Paige just watched her with worry the whole walk back.

Once they reached Romney Hall’s foyer, she instructed Miles to send a telegram to Phillip informing him of Marina’s condition. She also called for their housekeeper, Mrs. Hurley. After she had gotten Mrs. Hurley to help her strip Marina of her drenched clothes, the older woman practically shoved Paige to her own room to change into dry clothes. She argued with her, refusing to leave Marina alone for even a moment.

“Go on, dear, I’ll be with her until you return.” Mrs. Hurley shooed Paige out of the room. She huffed and obliged. She dashed to her room to quickly change out of her own icy clothes.

She found one of her old dresses, it was a yellow floral one that Marina loved so much. Marina used to tell her that it brought out the golden flecks in her brown eyes. Paige never liked her brown haired-brown eyed look and found herself to be plain looking. It was only when Marina came along, she felt seen. Maybe being plain didn’t matter when someone loved you in spite of it. Hopeful the dress would stir up old memories, Paige stepped into Marina’s bedroom nervously. She said a silent prayer for her to be well. That the 7 minutes didn’t do that much damage.

Marina was sleeping soundly when Paige entered the room. She couldn’t help but smile at how at peace Marina looked. At that moment, she understood why Marina spent so much time hiding away and sleeping. This was probably the only place in the house that brought her peace. Sleeping brought her peace.

She had Miles check on the twins before she settled into staying by Marina’s side. She wanted to be there every step of her recovery. Then after, they could get her some real help. The twins were plenty occupied with their playtime for the day. While waiting for the doctor, Paige slipped into the bed by Marina’s side. She cradled her head against her chest and prayed. Even though she was a woman of science and was the type of Christian that only attended church during Christmas, praying was one comfort of her religion she allowed herself. She prayed for all her wishes for Marina. For her happiness, recovery...for the good times to hopefully return. As she wished, hoped and prayed, she found herself falling asleep.

When the night came and brought the doctor along with it, Paige woke with a start at the feverishly warm body beside her. The panic set in and the doctor did his best to soothe her. He coaxed her out of the bed so he could check on Marina. Paige was more than happy to oblige but stood hovering over the doctor’s shoulder the whole time.

When he diagnosed her with pneumonia, Paige’s heart sank. That was definitely going to finish the job Marina set out to do in the lake. He saw her expression and comforted her by saying she could very well recover. Essentially, it was a waiting game. Paige made peace with those odds, she would gladly take all the time in the world with her. She spent the rest of the night and the next three days nursing her. She dabbed wet cloth after cloth against her warm forehead. Made sure she had the fluffiest pillows and duvet. She specially had the cook make all of her favourite dishes to go with the broth Marina detested.

Paige wanted to tell her to fight but she didn’t want to push her. Instead she spent the last few days together, helping Marina remember the woman she once was and could be again. Paige wanted her to remember to fight for herself.

The morning after, she sat by Marina’s bedside and smiled tenderly at her.

“Do you remember our first season together?” She asked, her elbow propped against the mattress, her face resting on her palm.

Marina turned to her and looked straight into her eyes. For a moment, she was lucid. “Of course,” She said, coarsely. Paige smiled, that was the best response she had gotten from her in the last few months.

“Best and worst year of our lives, I’d reckon. I was so certain I finally had the courage to tell you how I felt. Only for me to find out you were besotted with George and was pregnant with his child!” She could chuckle about it now but she remembered feeling so awful.

Paige Crane has always known she was different in that aspect. None of the boys growing up ever caught her attention. When she became a woman, out during her first season, she couldn’t relate to the way other girls had talked about their suitors. Nothing about the male species ever stirred anything romantic within her. They were just really good friends to her. Women, on the other hand, gave her all the feelings the human emotional spectrum allowed. She wanted to love them and worship them forever. When she met Marina at Romney Hall for the first time smelling the rose bushes, it had confirmed everything she already knew. She loved women. A regular Anne Lister.

She spent a few years loving Marina until her father had sent her away to stay with her London cousins, The Featheringtons. When she heard Marina was moving, she immediately sought out her mother.

“I couldn’t bear to part with you so I convinced Mother to let me debut that season in the city.” She chuckled, recounting the lengths she went to be close to her.

“I’m glad you did.” Marina croaked, the water still hurting her lungs. Now that she felt like speaking to Paige, her body was failing her. She managed a small smile and slipped her hand into hers. She definitely remembered their first season together. It was the best time… til everything quickly went downhill with the news of George’s death, being pregnant with the twins and feeling so alone. Paige was the light in all of that darkness, she had helped pull her out of the loneliness.

Paige grinned back wildly. "I think that's the first full sentence I've heard you speak in the last few months." She nudged her teasingly.

"Oh hush." She attempted to be annoyed but started coughing violently. Paige immediately shot up.

"I'm going to fetch the doctor."

"I just need some water, darling." She coughed once more. Then took a deep breath and managed a smile to show she was fine, despite her exhaustion. Paige nodded and went to fetch her a glass.

As Marina watched Paige walk out the door, she thought back to how much everything had changed in the last 10 years. It only felt like yesterday they had debuted and Marina had tried to marry Colin Bridgerton. Oh, what a mess that was. She was so consumed by her love and grief for George, she missed what was right in front of her.

It took Marina a long time to realise it but she loved men and women the same. Paige was definitely the first woman to stir up romantic feelings within her. It also took her a while to realise loving Paige doesn't count the love she held for George. He would always be the father of her children. Paige was the love of her life.

She never expected to be like this. She always thought she would be a good mother, full of life and happy. Happy was such an overrated emotion, Marina thought bitterly. It's not something that happens, it's something you work for. You make happiness for yourself. She knew that all too well. She spent the better part of the last decade fighting off her grief and postpartum with no success.

Paige reminded her to take comfort in the good days. It was rather jarring to Martina how she was experiencing a somewhat good day after all these months. Especially the day right after she made an attempt on her life.

"Penny for your thoughts, darling?" Paige asked, handing over the glass. Marina gulp it down quickly and set the cup aside.

"Just...how we got here. I thought it would be…" she ponders over the word, "different."

"Hmm," Paige hummed, "You're telling me. We could have had quite the life if I was a man. I could have married you instead of Phillip." She wrinkled her nose. She really does love her brother, Lord only knows. And Paige is pretty sure it's a crime to hate your twin. But she absolutely despised the way Phillip treats Marina. Or rather not - he completely abandoned her in the last few years.

It's no secret that Phillip and Marina's marriage was one of convenience, security and protection for Marina. Of course, Romney Hall needed heirs and so two birds. But, he could at least pretend to care for her.

"I could have become a spinster like you. We could have been the two crazy spinsters that lived in Romney Hall together." Marina chuckled. Paige beamed at her. It had been so long since she had heard that wondrous laugh.

"I'm not a spinster!" She clasped Marina's hands in hers. "We may not be married on paper but I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I can't imagine...loving anyone else." Paige looked deep into her eyes. Marina shivered slightly. Her lover had a way of looking directly into your soul.

Paige knew what the doctor had said. That Marina could possibly recover but her gut was telling her something else. She was hit with the sudden realisation that she could lose her. The love of her life.

"Please fight this, Marina. I know you can. Look at today, it was a good day. You just need to survive the pneumonia and you can start over. We'll erase the last 7 years. Slowly but surely, we can manage your melancholy. You're so much more than it, my love. You know that. Your children deserve to know that."

Paige didn't realise how increasingly desperate she sounded until she began pleading with her. She found her face wet with fresh tears. Marina reached out to wipe the tears of her face.

"I'll try." She said quietly.

"That's all I ask, thank you. I love you, Marina." She leaned over to kiss her. Kissing her back, Marina sighed against her lips. "I love you too."

That night Marina lied awake, watching Paige's chest rise up and down. Marina smiled at her little snores. Just as she felt a glimmer of happiness laying beside her love, the guilt washed over her. She didn't want to promise anything. While today reminded her of the hope she felt to feel alive, deep down she knew it was temporary. She couldn't see herself living past tomorrow.

Sure enough, she was dead in two days.

****

[Read Part 2 Here]

[the-firebird69]

The citadel systems are working John remillard and company are going after the citadels and they are chasing after them and they are getting slaughtered I'm going to start taking over other companies of his

-one such company is JetBlue he still has 50% ownership and he's going to lose it today for his threats and the more you threatens the more we're going to take and I want all the assets of JetBlue I want every house and apartment and hotel the JetBlue owns and every resort and I want it in meaning I want cordoned off and I want them held out and we will list what they are to others and we're going to tell them where it is

-other commercial airlines that we want in that we are going to go ahead and take over besides JetBlue our Swiss Air and he owns 50% of Swiss Air so we are going into Swiss yard now to pull him out he's threatening people all over the world with poor maintenance and they have done coordinating maintenance for years and we need all those jets in if he doesn't sell would you we're not going to offer if we don't take it over I want us to just pull the Jets in because of his terrorist activities which is illegal and we have warrants from the vitamin administration to seize his assets and all the air liners that he owns and the max are going after them right now and they're flying them off so he's got better things to do play hooky maybe he's going to go get like a lollipop or something that's what he's doing what he's doing now does not help him

-and other airlines that were taking over US Air American Air but they're pretty big want to do the similar procedure John remillard and company are running the planes down we're going to shackle them put them on the plane and take the planes from every single airport on Earth

It was a very strong reaction to his presence here across from the courthouse they know what he did in 9/11 and they're issuing warrants now on him and they want him to hear it and so forth and really he did not attack himself he attacked the McDonald's who were running it and the max were having them do it and they were pretty upset and they saw what Dempsey was doing and they are going after him yesterday they had about 30 households go to the first ring and about 20 of them returned so we are down to 70 households and they're not doing very well and they're kicking their own ass for the most part and in moment he's going to be late for court it takes some 25 minutes to get ready now we have all sorts of things lined up to do them because of it and he's still insisting on trying to scare our son I mean what it was on top of what he's doing they are issuing warrants for him for a day-to-day stuff and for 9/11 and more but one in him five year old child and don't break out of it we're doing the worst we can in the adult world and he doesn't seem to understand it we are going to start working on him in ways he doesn't want and really his stuff is ineffective and he won't win anything but he's a little child and he needs to learn like a child it's really going to cause I mean it takes a lot of chastising and correcting behavior we do it the hard way and we have to start initializing it I'm requesting volunteers for the above duties and also this last paragraph right now this is serious business this guy will not back off he's stuck right to him and he's a fool so we need him out

Thor Freya

I'm off for doing this and I'm sending mine out we're going after him and targeting him yesterday he got clobbered by the max it doesn't seem to care you know why he's an idiot and he says he runs the program and stuff but really Jason has the ucap program and other programs he wrote and he's a moron in the child and we're going to express it and I used to do it all the time you guys flustered he was constipated tried to come after me and then this man and woman would die we need that to happen right now so I'm getting to it and I really appreciate the effort that you requested I really appreciate the duty and confidence he says why you were near me he was away and I noticed that too A lot of the time since he got his ass hand it to him even when he was right there and it draws you in and we're going to do it now and we have permission I do appreciate it and he says I appreciate it more and I do understand that

Hers

We're going to war with you John remillard Trump we're going to take you down his family is going to take you down the max are taking you down and foreigners and the person you're talking to right now is taking you down we all hate you and we don't want you around and you putting your finger doesn't do s*** we're going to take you out

Thor Freya

And we have one more thing to say he said something about we are after you and we're initializing programs that will get rid of you we don't want you near him we don't want your filthy stuff that you touched after touching hot stuff even though he's pretty much immuned we don't want you doing anything to try and harm him so we're going to take you down and we're going to take you down fast and you're going to regret doing what you're doing

Olympus

You're a little girl too John remillard AKA Trump nothing but doing what you're doing nobody in history of my life has done anything like what you do you are a complete spaz and you're worse than any of these gifted people I've never seen someone be such a huge loser in my life I've never seen maneuvers pulled on someone this supposedly is some sort of shyster like I've seen pulled on you they're using your money to buy your companies to force a takeover you're sending the meetings accepting it you're a f****** fool I've never seen someone pretend they have a weapon so many times and get shot minutes after in my life I've never seen someone on the news shot up and dead so many times in my life I've never seen some some person who's supposed to be a man act like a child on so many occasions I've never seen someone act so juvenile as you in my life honestly your son is number two but I've never seen someone reveal so many secrets about the realm in my entire life and try and blame everybody else I've never seen someone blame a woman for what they're doing to themselves so many times in my life that you just become nothing I've never seen someone with so much money lose so much money so fast right now your assets in those companies are very low about a quarter of what you have left in some cases a half in some others it's still huge but your people are not I've never seen someone lose an army so fast I've never seen someone be a huge jackass to me for so long and lose so much stuff and continue to do it I have never ever seen it in my entire life what you doing now is going to get you hit by BG and he's really an assassin goes around shooting dumb m************ like you and you're Trump and he knows it because of your truck you dumb a****** why don't you just give it a rest Joel Watts you're so damned annoying but really I'm going to take all your stuff now and use you to do it and you're in the way of everybody else and you caused this cluster f*** and people can't get by and they get tired tuckered out the ruin each other and we take over and grab all the assets and pretty soon you're not going to be able to do anything at all and you're going to have to flee but really you don't understand you're standing right next to me telling people what you're doing people here and we can use any of them it's ridiculous you're such a jackass the max are on your case you say I rejoice about it and I'm in trouble and I haven't gotten in trouble yet because and people who are smart knew my perspective you want me to shoot my mouth off like you do because you're a massive loser you're a huge stinking loser and you're going to be late for court cuz you want to sit there and chastise someone and you're getting disemboweled please think of us as people who help make it happen

Zues Hera

It's quite a statement but it's very true he acts like a little baby all the time he's just a little child thinking stupid noises dumb gestures idiotic statements and yeah his son is number two coming right up behind with almost as big a dumb lines and he's got businesses too and we're going to start taking them over

-when business I want people to go in and start pulling them out of taking their place and holding it is Occidental petroleum and Dan took about 30% to 40% of the company over and whatever's left all over the world so we're going to go in there and take all his guys out and take their positions and not let them back in and we're going to start taking over the company Lock stock and barrel now on all the assets in that he has City laying around we're just going to drive off with them and it's about 90% they just sit there and look at it cuz they're a bunch of old pieces of nothing

That's good for now he says Occidental petroleum is big and we need it all in we're going after it right now

Thor Freya

Really has like 1% of the world's population and he's holding all this wealth and power so we're going to take it away from him to make sure that he can't do anything and spent a little eyes aren't going to save the beady little eyed pig he's a little baby

Olympus

[fatgalfitness]

I saw my new counselor for the second time yesterday.

And by saw, I mean video chatted because covid.

She's amazing. She's smart, quotes Brene Brown, and gives me space to explore a lot of things I have been shoving down for many, many years.

Each time I see this new counselor, it costs me $103.96.

I have a high deductible insurance plan. But I'm fortunate to have health insurance at all. I'm also fortunate to be able to shift my finances around to pay $103.96 every appointment.

I am privileged to have access to good care. I am privileged to have a stable job. I am privileged to be able to move my money around to pay for the help I need.

I almost didn't get here. I realized late last year that things were going sideways again. I knew that meant I needed to get back into a counselor's office. So I went to Anthem's website to look up a new one. The Care & Cost Finder didn't work. Okay. I called customer service. They told me to use the care & cost finder. It doesn't work. So I figured out that if I clicked Change PCP, I could game the system to search for counselors instead of primary care. Okay. Searched counseling. Nothing. Searched therapy. Nothing. Typed in psych..."psychological and psychiatric care" were the magical buzzwords to gain access to the list.

Okay, so now we're in. Sort by distance...and it kicked me out of the system. Okay. Go back in. Psych...okay, we're back. Don't sort. Don't touch anything. Just call the first one. Their office isn't accepting new patients. Okay. Call the second one. This number has been disconnected. Okay. Call the next three...they don't take Anthem.

Breathe.

Keep going down the list until you get a response. Under expected cost: N/A. Okay. Call the office, they can't tell you how much it will be either. "we don't know until we run it through your insurance" okay. Call the insurance. They can't tell you how much it will be until they receive the claim.

Oh. Kay.

Make an appointment with the first one that actually answers the phone. Next available: two weeks out. Okay.

Wait two weeks. Finally go in on your lunch break. Receive a 6-page intake form that you have to fill out in a busy waiting room. Hand it in. Wait. Get called back.

So tell me why you're here. Unload a little.

Well, what do you want to solve? Well, I don't know that I'm trying to SOLVE anything, but see, I have a panic disorder and...

Well, maybe you need medication.

I mean, yes, maybe I do, but I thought I'd come here first.

Time is up. Reluctantly schedule a second appointment because the thought of finding a new counselor is exhausting. You JUST did that.

Next available: two more weeks out.

One week later, bill comes: $97. Okay I guess. Must pay all out of pocket because of the high deductible.

Another week later, take another lunch break to go back. Arrive ten minutes early. Wait. Wait longer. Appointment time comes...and goes. Continue waiting. Ten minutes after appointment was to begin, new counselor comes out to get you, sucking on a steak n shake milkshake. Okay.

Sit down. Counselor is immediately aggressive.

Well I don't understand why you're here.

I mean, I just needed to talk to someone...

Well what have you done for yourself?

List out how you've grown over the last few years.

Well you need to try harder.

Breathe. Leave.

Text counselor, it's not working out.

Next bill: $97. Okay.

Develop anxiety-induced insomnia. Wait too long to go see PCP. Get insomnia meds and a referral to the local hospital's counseling network.

Call. No answer. Leave a message. No call-back. Call again. Get hung up on. Call again. Leave a message. No call-back. Call three days in a row during business hours. No response.

Give. Up.

Pandemic hits. Insomnia still wrecking you, anxiety skyrockets. Okay. It's time. You have to find someone. Care & Cost Finder finally works. Stalk three options on psychology today. Find one's business Facebook page. See Brene quotes. Send an email.

Only doing video appointments, is that okay? Absolutely! I have tomorrow available, or not again for two weeks... Take tomorrow.

First appointment reminds you of that amazing counselor you had in Louisville. The weird hippie lady who made you paint your feelings and wrecked her shoes walking through the park with you because you needed to be active.

No one knows how much it will cost until it's run. You take the risk.

$103.96.

You schedule a second appointment. You finally feel the weight lifting. You finally feel like you've found the right fit.

It's been 9 months of searching.

I share this saga with you because it should not be THIS hard to access mental health care. I am employed full-time, I have health insurance, and I am relatively tech savvy. I used to help people get access to care as my job. I know the system. And it was still this hard for me.

Imagine someone without health insurance. Without regular access to the internet. Without a car. Without money.

Also in mental distress. Also worrying about paying their rent. Also dealing with systemic racism. Also considered essential but making $7.75 an hour.

People are villified and judged for admitting they need help with their mental health. Barriers to care are sky-high. It shouldn't be this way.

I'm getting the help I need because I have the privilege of access, support, and finances. I shouldn't need those privileges.

If you're struggling to find the help you need, call me. There are options. There are patient assistance programs. I'm not saying it's going to be easy...but I am saying that it's worth it. And I fully believe that everyone deserves the help they need, and I'll do my damnedest to help you find it.

[lunacwolphe]

Celexa and Gabapentin Day 5&6: Weekend Overview 5/5-6/18

Busy weekend was busy 😁

Friday night, Husband's grandfather called and needed us to come over yesterday. He thought he had given us a car jack (he hadn't) so Husband took the one we do have in case he needed it.

Since they were out of town for the morning, we got up and took everyone out for coffee and to the park. Miss asked if we could invite her friend, so I sent a text and the parents brought their son out to play. We spent like 2 hours at the park.

Over the summer we hope to be able to get together so they can play more. The family is from Venezula and don't have many friends here so they've been super thankful that Miss has taken so well with their son.

After the park we went to Home Depot for garden dreaming ^_^

Then we headed out to the grandparents since they were home. Grandfather didn't need the back, he found the one he was looking for but since they're moving soon he's offered Husband a bunch of his old stuff. We're going back next weekend to pick it up.

The grandmother gave me two planters with some succulents in them.

We decided to drive around for a bit after we left. I was in pain by then from all the walking around but didn't want to ruin the day so kept quiet as much as I could. Husband said I was acting cranky and a bit rude at the grandparents when I told him I was hungry. When I asked what I did he couldn't out and out tell me anything that was wrong just that he felt I was cranky.

We stopped to get take out.

As soon as we got home, I crawled up in bed to eat. We watched a new movie as well, Deep Blue Sea 2 (so so so horrible).

As soon as it was 8:30, I went a head and took all my medicine. I crashed asleep by 9 pm and slept all night long.

Woke up today and began to cook breakfast for Husband (kids already ate) when he got a text from Uncle that they were otw over. So everybody rushed about spot cleaning and making the house presentable.

They stayed for a bit and Sister came over to see them. Nothing horrible happened except she had 4 people tell her either leave her fuckup of a spouse or the family was going to take care of it. He's not physically abusive, but very emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative. Like there's a whole slew of drama going on and I'm not spooned enough to go thru it all. We did tell her that if she needs a place for the kids she knows they're safer here than with his parents.

After they left, Husband and I just sat and watched tv. I sewed up Middle's spiderman blanket that had a rip in it. Talked with Husband again about how my behaviour was and he still couldn't give specifics of what I did wrong and felt I was just rude and that maybe I wasn't mean it was just him being tired and misreading my emotions.

But he says that my mood has improved and I'm doing better. He can tell a marked improvement in my attitude and stuff.

Went and laid out in the hammock for a bit and just came in. I'll be taking a shower later and taking my medicine.

I am definitely not eating as much as I was. I get hungry often but I don't eat til bursting, just til I'm no longer hungry.

The gaba helps a lot as long as I don't do anything to hurt myself. I think yesterday I walked too much and that's why I was in such pain. Today I've done very little and it's been a very low pain level all day.

All in all, the weekend went well and I'm proud of my accomplishments.