#i was asleep face down on an airplane tray table at 4 am

[cosmerelists]

Pros and Cons of Stormlight Characters in the Middle Seat Next to You on a Budget Airline.

As requested by anon. :)

1. Kaladin

Cons: His legs are so long. His hair is so luxurious. His shoulders are so broad. This large, beautiful man is not trying to be in your space, but the budget airline seat cannot contain him. Pros: You started what you thought was an idle conversation, but by the end of your flight, he had diagnosed your chronic pain and become your therapist??

2. Shallan

Pros: Well, she's more of a regular-sized human and she's friendly but quiet. She seems to just want to sketch the whole flight, so no complaints! Cons: Why does she keep staring directly at a space across the plane and sketching the creepiest symbol-headed creatures you've ever seen with her eyes vaguely glazed over like she doesn't even know she's doing it holy shit is this a Twilight Zone situation where there are invisible gremlin monsters on this plane that only she can see and is it your imagination or do you hear humming from somewhere

3. Adolin

Cons: Listen, this is a budget airline, and this guy seems to think it's a fancy spa?? He's got the slippers, the posh eye mask, the luxurious travel pillow, some really nice face creams, and he seems to be video chatting with a girl even though the internet on the plane doesn't even work. Frankly, you're jealous and grouchy about it. Pros: Okay, he actually seems really sweet and he gave you some of his way-too-nice-for-an-airplane snacks. You take it all back; this guy is awesome.

4. Szeth

Pros: He is so still. So quiet. Almost folded in on himself. Barely...breathing? Honestly, you keep forgetting the middle seat is occupied, and how rare is that! Cons: You just...you think you'd feel better if he just blinked. Just once. Please.

5. Lift

Cons: You had to sigh just a little when a little kid plopped down next to you. Also, she goes to the bathroom every five minutes, and comes back with food every time. You think she might be robbing people. Pros: She complimented your butt quite sincerely. You've always been kinda self-conscious about your butt! But apparently yours is the "second best she's ever seen." Feels nice.

6. Jasnah

Pros: Like, is it possible for someone to just be really good at flying? She came in, expertly stowed her luggage, sat down elegantly, did her seatbelt, used a wipe to clean up the tray table and surrounding area, and immediately starting reading some thick tome. Do you have a crush on her? You might have a crush on her. Cons: She glanced at the book you're reading, and you know she judged you for it.

7. Wit

Cons: Does this guy EVER stop talking? Pros: Okay, actually, you found him kind of annoying at first, but that story he told you about the temple and the duck might have healed years of trauma? Did you just realize that you don't have to forgive your mom and that's okay?

8. Renarin

Pros: He sat down and you were like, "Okay. Cute nerd. I dig it." Cons: You just wish he wouldn't scrawl foreboding-seeming numerals on the back of the airline chair in front of him. Is it counting down to...just before the plane lands? What does it mean???

9. Amarem

Cons: He came in and was IMMEDIATELY like, "I am taller than you and so I should have your seat." And then he just...waited? Like he thought you'd just comply??? Pros: He seems intent on pretending that never happened. Fine by you. That guy seems like an asshole.

10. Zahel

Pros: He falls asleep, like, immediately and doesn't stir for the entire flight. Cons: He's just kinda stinky.

11. Dalinar

Cons: He sits down and, unprompted, says something like, "In my youth I would always battle to occupy every armrest but now, after reading The Way of Planes, I have realized that it is the journey, not the armrests, that matter, so you can have them" and then you're like, "Dude, the person in the middle seat gets the armrests that's just common courtesy" and then he looks at you and you look at him and it's vaguely awkward the whole flight and nobody uses the armrests. Pros: Actually, after a while you do take the armrest and the tension goes down a lot.

12. Taravangian

Pros: He just kinda seems like a nice old man, you know? Kinda confused about stuff, but harmless enough. Cons: He falls asleep partway through and droops his head onto your shoulder and drools a bit and you know you sound ridiculous but it feels somehow calculated. Intentional. Evil.

13. Sebarial

Cons: The very second beverage service starts he's all, "Bring me a BOTTLE of wine" and you're like, "Oh no. It's one of those dudes who gets way too drunk on planes!" Pros: You know? This guy actually seems pretty jolly and chill. You catch yourself thinking, "I wish I could pretend he was my uncle." You're not sure where that came from.

14. Rock

Pros: He scoffs at the provided airline snacks and gets out this thermos and gives you the best damn soup you've ever had in your life. Cons: He's just a large, warm man. Very large. Very warm. Not his fault, of course, but now YOU are very warm.

15. Elhokar

Cons: Every time there is plane turbulence, he mutters something about how it's the assassins coming to finish the job. Poor dude must be really scared of flying. Pros: You feel a warm, parental feeling growing in you as you look at this sad, scared man. Maybe your mom was right. Maybe you WOULD be good with kids.

16. Eshonai

Pros: This lady is, just, SO excited to be traveling that it can't help but make YOU excited to travel. Like, you always thought plane travel sucked, especially budget airline travel, be she is so delighted by everything that you find yourself thinking, "You know, it IS pretty amazing that we're soaring through the sky right now traveling to a new land." Cons: Cons? No cons. You wish you could ALWAYS see flying through this woman's eyes.

[ourladyofghouls]

listening to the hunchback off-broadway recording on shuffle is so fun it’s like playing russian roulette. like am I going to have a very pretty song fade in gently into my ears or is court of miracles going to jumpscare me again? is it a lovely piano and instrumental lead up or is it erik liberman about to shout at me? who knows. I don’t.

[joshuazev]

On another day riding a plane:

A six-ish hour flight, while sitting in the middle seat, is a lesson in adaptation.  While you might be aided by the fatigue of catching the earliest flight in the morning or trying to salvage a few hours before you try and doze off during your red eye, one thing is for certain…you will not be comfortable.  I remember seeing a hilarious infomercial a while back of a contraption that attached to the back of the seat in front of you and hung in the air, so that you could put your face down on it and sleep “comfortably.”  A wonderful thought, in theory.  Today I slept for what felt like a couple hours.  Something to be proud of, indeed.  I then spent the next 3-4 hours in the following positions:  1) back straight-tray table out with arms reaching to the sides of the tray table for support, 2) tray table out-head against the seat in front of me, 3) tray table out-head down-arms crossed.  None of these felt good at all.  My last resort was trying to sleep straight up, except there were immediate difficulties because the two dudes sitting right and left of me were bigger and their elbows took turns knocking my balance off of the arm rests.  

The guy on the right hand side had a weak bladder.  I say he had a weak bladder because he wasn’t drinking any water (coffee maybe?) and he didn’t seem much older than me.  A middle seat can’t buy a break, I swear.  As you probably guessed, there were times mid-sleep where the guy to the left of me and I had to get up to accommodate the weak-bladdered gentleman and even though the guy to the left of me didn’t say much, I like to think that he was pretty frustrated that the guy to the right of me fucked up his hopeful sleep schedule for the flight.  “Bladder-guy” brought a pillow.  I mean, if that’s not rubbing it in for a guy who already has a window seat, then I don’t know what is.  I don’t know what he was trying to communicate with this unnecessary addition.  Was the wall not comfortable enough for him?  Was he having trouble finding the right spot?  I’ve been wondering lately whether window seats should be more expensive or if middle seats should be less.  I’m going to go ahead and say that’s a completely valid thing to be wondering about.  I know that when I’m in the window, I try not to abuse my privileges.  For example, if it’s a flight where most people are asleep I’ll go full monkey on the plane.  This usually involves standing up slowly, getting the right stance, and then carefully side stepping the arm rests as to not wake anyone up and make sure I get to the aisle safely.  In my experience it’s gotta be like a 90 percent success rate.  The other ten percent usually involves accidentally hitting someone in the nose, scaring the shit out of someone when they see me literally walking in front of them, or misstepping and hurting the groin area of the person in question.

You know what else has got to be top 3 on the infamous list of window seat abusers?  Opening the damn window to a blinding sun when the whole freaking airplane is dark.  Or opening the window when the plane is dark and keeping it open even after you see that there is nothing but sun shinning through and blaring the entire row.  “Bladder-boy” did this.  

Nowadays, it’s impossible to tell when you should get to an airport to get through security.  We all can agree that it varies drastically based on whether you’ve checked in already or not, whether you have a bag to check or not, and what time of the day your flight is.  In the past, I’ve taken a 6:30 AM flight and still had to wait in security for an hour plus for what seemed like no real reason at all.  Usually a wait that long is for a flight thats smack dab in the middle of the afternoon or primetime at night.  6:30 AM, though?  I feel like you could count the people in the airport.  Today, I thought I’d get there in the middle—not crazy early, but not too late, either.  I arrived to see a meek line that was moving faster than a black mamba.  When I got to the table to get ready to lay my things out and put it through the machine I noticed that there were no trays to put my belongings in.  As soon as I was getting ready to ask, I said, “Where should I put my laptop?” and the woman replied “You don’t need to put it anywhere.  It’s expedited security.  Keep everything on, your shoes included.  Put your pocket belongings in your bag and walk through.”  I took a step through the x-ray, picked up my things, and that was that.  It might have lasted a total of two minutes.  Maybe.  I’m thinking to myself, “Why can’t this be the norm?”  That was the fastest security on record, all you had was a sniffing k-9, and I made it through without having to take anything out, whatsoever.  

Kind of makes me wonder if all of this security business is just some big conspiracy.  *Law and Order sound effect*

The security should have been a sign of good things to come, but thats an impossibility anymore when it comes to flying.  Good security, middle seat.  Easy boarding, delayed departure.  Smooth landing, gate congestion.  Ah well.  I suppose arriving somewhere in under six hours is better than driving or training for several days.  

Alaska has a great menu available to the passengers if you want to drop money on what should be free.  Their complimentary service includes coffee, non-alcoholic beverages, and the kicker…one slim pack of Biscoff cookies.  You want some apples and cheese?  Fork over a $10.  You want some Pringles?  Fork over $6.  You want some frozen food that pretends to be Tom Douglas?  Fork over your month’s salary.  

The good old days of Delta when you’d get a horrible breakfast provided for you.  It might have been horrible, but at least it was provided.  Or how about those night flights where you’d get a choice of chicken, beef, or a veggie option and when you tried the chicken over the rice, you’d realize that it really wasn’t so bad.  In fact, it might just set the standard for airplane food.  But oh how weak of a thought that was because it’s only a matter of time before they charge you for the lime in your water, or the ice in your juice, or the cushion in your chair, or the optimism in your mind.

Just when you thought you couldn’t be any more pessimistic about the future of flying, you became cynical.

Oy!