#i was also surprised to see the amount of local fans tbh

[jisuyayaya]

Feeling so strange rn

[gothamcityneedsme]

Ok and now the more important task of finding Tav where I'm not sure he is.

What is birds? That's the one I can't place at all. And what is Shadows and Smoke? It feels familiar but I don't think my memory is accurate

@abysskeeper hilariously (and obviously) tav is in all of the pieces except the ones specifically named for other characters, lmao. its like .either the character's name is in the title OR its about tavon. oops.

under a readmore because it got long.

birds

birds i may have told you about, but also not. i open birds a LOT for how short it is, just a little dialogue snippets. i really want to make it bigger but whenever i open it, i feel like im Not Clever Enough, so then it gets closed. i looove it though.

birds, aka, why Tavon made them a little honeymoon suite on Rishi:

"So, out of all the places you could've set this up--all the little corners of the galaxy that are great for hiding--what made you choose Rishi?"

"The sights, the smells, the locals. The danger. The fact that its so easy to put on another face here--that I have already done so and have a little powerbase."

"…the nature as well, admittedly." "The nature? It isn't even cold." "No--I know that wouldn't be suitable for you. But, temperature isn't what I meant. I meant the birds." "The birds?" she asked, raising a surprised eyebrow. "Yes. I quite like birds. Not that I have an interest in studying them or suchlike--I simply find them pleasing, and Rishi has a good amount of them."

aka. my 'tavon likes birds and finds them pleasing' propaganda. tavon is a character uninterested in having pets (outside of his childhood dog) and even in universes where it works to have animal companions, it isn't really an angle he goes for. despite that, and how much tavon is also not a fan of most nature (being a snow and tundra kinda guy), i've always wanted him to like an aspect of the outdoors that was bigger than climate or just, being outside in general.

anyways. he likes birds. they aren't creatures for the cold, so they're something that don't really exist in his favorite climates. but he still likes them. likes how they sound, likes to see them. could go birdwatching but probably wouldn't be into it enough to be a fully hobbyist, just like, a casual.

i never get to make him a bird fan. so that's what 'birds' is for. trick learns something new about Tavon. the end.

.

Shadows and Smoke

this story is about tavon's worst fear becoming reality! he volunteers for a long-cover mission that ends up being longer than it was supposed to be. His loyalty to his side remains intact even though he was behind enemy lines, but somewhere along the way he loses himself. He starts thinking of himself as his cover name, and he feels as though his identity has left him. He isn't sure what to do or how to regain the man he was, and he regrets deeply what has happened. Guilt gnaws at him throughout the story, and he keeps having flashbacks to his original training, where he was molded to be a man bereft of identity.

Shadows and Smoke, aka, the story where Tavon becomes Marc. i'll share a few scenes from this one b/c tbh its so fucking Good i love it so much:

scene 1, aka, Trick, as his wife, notices he is strange upon his return:

The first night they were able to share their bed again, she expected him to flirt with her, to charm her off her feet and out of her clothes. That was similar to how it had usually gone when he had returned from a longer mission.

But, this time he was strangely quiet, almost unsure. He responded well whenever she spoke, but left to his own he seemed to be...in doubt.

It perplexed her, and she wondered just what it had done to him, to have been on such an intense mission for so long.

She sat up when he laid down beside her, leaning over to gently kiss him. He accepted the gesture, but made no move to make it more, and so she didn't either. She pulled back, her hair trailing over the pillow, a curtain between them and the world.

She was going to say something, to ask him what was wrong, but he spoke before she could.

"I'm tired," he said quietly, and the words did match some of what she saw in his eyes. "I feel as though I've been away forever, and that this is but a dream."

"It's no dream," she soothed, brushing her thumb across his cheek, "You're home, and I'm here. I waited, just as you asked."  A smirk tugged at the corner of her lips, "I even kept myself out of trouble. I figured you were in more than enough for the two of us."

"I was," he replied softly. He was looking at her in that way where it made her feel like she was the only other person in his world--the only person who got to know him like this, hear him speak like this.  It softened her while also making her sadder--she knew it must have been impossibly difficult for him, to have been under so long. She listened as he continued, "Every day felt like another test to see just how far I could stretch.  I waited for an inevitable snap the longer I remained."

"And did that time come?" she whispered, "The snap?"

His voice was strained, his eyes lost. "I don't know."

.

scene 2, aka, Marc and Tavon are different, Marc exists as a truth Tavon has never been. They are, in some ways, antithetical:

Who was Marc Hinan?  Certainly he was more honest than Tavon ever was, especially once he had returned to where he belonged--with the mission complete, secrets could fall away.

From what Marc remembered, Tavon was never really one to drop the secrets. There was always something hidden away, something that was only for him to know. He didn't share all of his burdens, even with those he trusted.

Marc, though, had no such qualms. He had, of course, while hiding. But, he was out now. Finally free to be...

To be Marc, he supposed--the Marc that was hiding even within the identity of himself. The underlayer of Marc, of which he had *thought* had been Tavon, but now he was realizing, that somewhere along the way Tavon had been scraped out, covered up, set aside.

It had been to dangerous for Tavon to be the truth.  And so...he wasn't.

.

scene 3, aka, a flashback. tavon has been conditioned and molded to be a certain way, to be a perfect tool. Only now has the harm that has done to him really become clear--ripping him asunder.

The voices of those who trained him stay with him, their names long forgotten, but their words and teachings, echoing in the hollow shell of his mind. (these scenes are second person, they are dreams)

Feel nothing. No pleasure, no pain. Whether you're warm and safe or on the threshold of death, what you feel is the absolute same. You are a shell, to only be filled with a mission. Unless duty calls for it, you will have nothing inside.

No happiness. No relief.

You remembered the feeling of the cold barrel of a gun pressed against your forehead. You stared straight ahead, unflinching even as the acrid scent of gunpowder entered your nostrils.

No fear.

there's so many good scenes in this story. I am so utterly fond of it.

[lizardbytheriver]

"The Goode Family" Observation Part 3

"Nothing ever gets solved with violence". Okay, you can either go with these folks love Che Guevara or go with these folks are extreme pacifists. You cannot do both. The show has a problem of when anyone is further Left than the titular Goode Family then they are just terrorists. Or to be fair, there was one time where the "further Left" person was living a life of self-imposed poverty (to get away from his wives, children, and debt). They could not resist the low hanging fruit of having the reformed gang members (who are all People of Colour), still steal something at the end. Damn, this show is racist. "Why do we have to listen to public radio on our computer, its barbaric". That line does not age well tbh. Even their fantasies are being Upper Class. Blahhh. The "Leftwing" Father is surprised that a business man cares more about money than a person's life/financial-ruin. See what I mean when I say they write the Father as too out-of-touch? Okay. So now the daughter getting a job is "Conservative" (even tho the Father has a job). When a few episodes ago the parents were afraid the daughter would leach off the system. You see what I mean by inconsistent? Like inconsistent, in a way where there is no internal logic to these characters. The Father is deeply uncomfortable "toppling current power structures", but is a fan of Che Guevara. Okay.

If you ever wanted the fem-version of Bill from "King of the Hill", this shows got you covered. The show is pretty Fatphobic. When the show want to scare our skinny leads, they show a fat person in the scene. When the show wants someone to be definitely (perceived as) ugly or a loser, they just make 'em fat. Well. The neighbor lied about his age to kill the Vietnamese in the War. Which... Yikes. The show oddly comes out as Pro-Child Labour. Okay, I guess. "Not to gender type, but you know how women can be." That line disgusts me on several levels. It really is funny (possibly intentionally so), that the deeper you go into this show. The more it solidifies that the Goode's activism basically amounts to... shopping at expensive, organic store. Later, it seems to imply that the store is a chain store and not even like a true local business (or Co-Opt). I guess this is the problem with some forms of activism, is they just become based solely around individualist consumption and steeped in consumerism. Also. Another, "Petitions are useless" messaging. Which Okay. It just still feels like any action that does not solely rely on just the individual and/or the household is outright disregarded.

[quarterprioritymidnight]

but i think ur onto something with people not caring about them as much bc the amount of stuff i see like how does Bastille have fans, how do they have so many songs but the general public only know like 2, etc. is just so funny to me lmao

tbh ive been kind of surprised how many people ive spoken to who went to bbx and were like yeah i dont really listen to them much anymore, but couldnt miss a bad blood tour. cause firstly im like how did you even know that was a thing if you dont keep up with the band and secondly, wow ig more people actually do care than i thought lol.

that being said most people ive talked to have either been at other gigs or on hinge and i live pretty close to one of the venues they did a bbx show at, so maybe its just a local thing, but yeah i think most fans are kind of casual fans. might also be something to do with the fanbase being a bit older as well like most people are in their mid-late 20s rather than teens, so maybe a bit more well adjusted lol

[whetheritsmorningornight]

Through its Lacura brand, Aldi does beauty and makeup products that have become somewhat well known for their packaging 👀 if you know, you know 😆

I thought I'd give the Show Up highlighter and Volume Effect Mascara a go when I saw them in my local Aldi; the two cost under £10 so it would have been rude not to!

The highlighter is in a square box packaging that seems vaguely familiar 😆 it has a little mirror and comes with a brush for application. The powder highlighter itself is a pale champagne/gold colour and looks really nice when applied, a little goes a long way. I was pleased that the brush is both easy to use and effective, you can see the lovely glow in the photo above.

I wasn't as much of a fan of the mascara tbh. I prefer curved and fluffy brushes and this one is long and thin. Although the liquid is enriched with Vitamin E and argan oil, it made my lashes look clumpy. I also had to use a fair amount to get my desired look, which is not something I really want to do. Not the mascara for me.

Overall, sometimes you get what you pay for and then other times you're nicely surprised. I just happened to have both of these experiences in the same makeup application session! Have a look in the middle aisles in your local Aldi, you never know what you might find.

[snakeassassins]

Rabbit Dad Theory: A Weapon to Surpass Dad for One

okay so. I know that the theory about local big bad of the series being the protagonist’s father , but I’m pretty sure the real reason that midoriya’s dad hasn’t shown up in the plot is because he’s a rabbit

no really

[ WARNING: LONG post under the cut ]

Part 1: Rabbit Motifs

To get this party started properly, let’s begin with a bunch of the rabbit symbolism regarding Midoriya himself.

The most notable of which being that his hero costume is literally him dressing up as a rabbit

His freckles are even stylized to look like little rabbit whiskers. fuckin naruto kinnie

It bleeds into his fighting style too

Two big innovations he has that aren’t based on previous users of one for all

are hopping from place to place

and his big, rabbit-like kicks.

(which would also go a ways to explain why the plot thought Midoriya having legs was a big deal)

A lot of this goes into his characterization as well. The most notable bit being how much the first chapter of bnha parallels the story of the moon rabbit.

(Sometimes referred to as the jade rabbit which. Green)

Anyway, the story goes that a rabbit, along with a bunch of other animals (it varies depending on region) decided to gather food for the full moon as an offering, believing that the best one will bring a reward from the gods.

All of the animals bring plentiful amounts of food, sans the rabbit, who brings only grass.

Eventually, a starving old man comes along.

The other animals have food to give him, but refuse to do so to meet their own ends.

The rabbit, sympathizing with the old man,throws itself into a fire he was kindling so that he can be fed.

The old man, touched by the rabbit’s actions, reveals himself to be a god and saves it.

In honor of the rabbits deeds, the god imprints his image on the moon, bestowing special gifts to him.

Along with this there are a number of other mild rabbity traits tho.

Such as his skittishness.

Not to mention his general resourcefulness.

The show regularly conflates Midoriya being himself with him looking and acting more and more like a rabbit. This isn’t too hard to understand from a Doylist perspective; Horikoshi blatantly just likes bunnies. (I mean just look at Miruko)

What’s interesting here is that we’ve never been given an in-universe explanation for why midoriya himself identifies this way. In a series that is otherwise really invested in dissecting the ideal versions of themselves that characters want to live up to, the show doesn’t provide any justification for a character motif Midoriya has that is almost as present as all might himself.

Judging from the title of this post, you can probably guess what my reasoning for this choice is.

**Part 2: Hisashi’s Quirk **

“But snake,” you may be asking yourself, “We already know what Hisashi Midoriya’s quirk is. He breathes fire.”

This is true. he probably does. Consider what we know in-universe, though.

Characters with heteromorphic quirks don’t have their physical attributes listed as a part of their quirks if they have a secondary characteristic.

Tokoyami is the most obvious example. He’s a bird person, but his quirk is dark shadow. The fact that he’s a bird man goes unmentioned because as far as anyone is concerned, the shadow monster is his power.

Characters like Spinner have their animal attributes listed as quirks, but that’s only because he can’t do anything a gecko wouldn’t. If he didn’t make his lizard powers his quirk he’d have nothing to put.

If Midoriya’s dad happened to be, say, a rabbit that could breathe fire, the fire quirk would be listed while the rabbit bit went unstated. In fact, in a roundabout way, the fire quirk makes rabbit dad even more plausible.

You see, most of the animal character designs in bnha are actually recycled from an old series horikoshi did called oumagadoki zoo. Mind you this isn’t a knock at horikoshi or anything. A lot of mangaka do this sort of thing. I’m mostly bringing it up because one of the main characters is a rabbit called Shiina

and one of the early gags in the series is him smoking a carrot like a cigar.

This would be very easy to translate to my hero academia’s setting if said character happened to breathe fire.

I should also say for those keeping score at home that I don’t necessarily think Hizashi is a Shiina expy specifically (tbh I kinda imagine him being more like a fluffy spike spiegel). At most I think it’s probably just some design motifs and some VERY loose plot points.

There is also the somewhat mild rebuttal of Midoriya never attempting to do anything rabbit-like while trying to see if he had a quirk, but I think that’s self explanatory. If Izuku was a rabbit he’d notice right away, so of course he didn’t bother checking.

**Part 3: Why He’s Absent **

Of course, another big question that might be on your mind is why he’s not present if that’s the simple truth of his identity. Why have him fail to show himself for what has now been 300 chapters?

I can think of two simple reasons:

1) It’s really funny

Just fuckin. The Mystique of it all. You can’t tell fans a character is going to show up eventually and fail to have them appear without piquing someone’s interest. It’s bound to make fans speculate, especially with the canon dabi twist hanging in the air. Years to imagine what his presence might entail if it was something big enough to be worth planning ahead for.

And then. Boom. Bunny.

Fucking. Hysterical.

2) The themes. Oh god the themes

You might have noticed by now but Horikoshi has a tendency of making like. The Shounen Jump equivalent to that rpg character you make as a joke that then has like. an undeniably tragic life when you’re actually forced to tackle with the implications of your own character building.

I would not be surprised if the Midoriyas ended up falling into that category.

So let’s get into that.

One of the big things that my hero academia attempts to tackle is the concept of normalcy.

Mostly how it’s kinda bullshit and, in many cases, outright harmful.

What makes this bit interesting within the context of Midoriya family is Izuku’s sort of. Artificial Plainness.

He is a character deliberately designed to look as normal as possible. The key word there is look. Basically anyone who’s been following the series long enough to be reading this post knows that the kid often struggles to keep his head down

which also makes it interesting that the only two scenes where Midoriya wears his rabbit cowl are scenes where he is actively questioning the status quo.

Methinks there is some symbolism here.

Which I guess brings us back to square one.

At the end of the day, the concept of Midoriya’s dad being a rabbit is funny because it’s so unexpected. Without him around, the Midoriyas look like a normal family.

But that’s also the kicker.

Without him around, the Midoriyas look like a normal family.

A lot of people are quick to call Izuku’s dad an absentee father, but technically speaking, we don’t quite know that yet. We’ve only been in a position where we don’t see him as the audience.

And, well, when your kid is being bullied for something as banal as being quirkless, you might not want to give society more ammunition to use against him.

It wouldn’t strike me as strange if he just avoided being seen in public with his son to keep him safe in his own way.

They say that the nail that sticks out gets hammered down the most. Under those circumstances, it’s not too hard to understand why the loosest nail might just feel safer wriggling out of the wood altogether.

[dreamerhideout]

enhypen genshin impact!au hcs

characters: enhypen

word count: ~200 words each

warnings: mentions of alcohol for jay’s part, lore inaccuracies (i haven’t caught up on dragonspine event lore yet), spoilers for mondstadt + liyue main quest

a/n: i’m supposed to be working on something else but this brainrot got to me first... anyways, i’m assigning their visions + weapons based off a few fan theories i’ve read~ please enjoy my word dump! :D

more under the cut!

jungwon

okay so we’re starting off with our leader! hmm... i’d say that he has a geo vision

why? idk, i’m half sure it’s based off how calm and composed he is; i do kinda think jungwon is a picture of maturity and elegance (he literally has to take care of six children wdym)

it was kinda hard for me to choose a weapon because i kept going back-and-forth from sword to polearm, but my final pick for him would be polearm

yes this would mean that he is zhongli

a polearm would probably suit him because i see him as the kind to want some kind of control over his weapon (not saying he can’t control a sword). at the same time i feel like he’d want something lightweight which won’t bring him down

i think he’d work with the knights of favonius. working with the liyue qixing could also work for him, but considering the tension between the adepti and the qixing + the social climate of liyue makes me think that he’d want somewhere more calm

acting grandmaster jungwon? i’m down for it

spends time near the mondstadt church; he likes the peace and quiet of it

heeseung

from the get-go i knew he’d have a hydro vision

this one theory i’ve read says that hydro vision users have a strong sense of morality and justice (i guess i also interpreted it as balance) and heeseung seems like the kind of person who does

for weapon, i think he’d prefer to use a sword. we see that he’s good in a lot of areas when it comes to being an idol, so he’d perhaps want that versatility in the weapon he uses as well

hello xingqiu (wait i kinda think this fits)

i don’t see him particularly associating himself to any organization, so i think he’d simply be a wanderer. he goes from country to country as a vagabond, battling monsters along the way in order to perfect his skills

at the same time, i also see him making a lot of friends and having a bunch of connections from just about any corner of the land (more to acquaintances i suppose? heeseung doesn’t seem like the kind to let people in very quickly)

is probably very curious on elemental reactions and might be studious in a way; he would want to learn alchemy

likes stopping by mondstadt’s library when he needs to look up on something. probably keeps in contact with alchemists too

jay

oh man this is going to probably be very stereotypical

pyro vision, hands down. i was considering an electro vision for him at first but the amount of passion he has in doing the things he loves (primarily hip-hop) screams pyro to me

he would also have a claymore because let’s be real, he’d want something to get the job done quick; claymores are literally the weapon that causes the most damage

yeah he’d be diluc. or xinyan. whatever your pick is

bonks monsters for fun, fight me on this

association... i think he’d be a part of the adventurer’s guild. he strikes me as the kind of person who’d want some kind of reward for something he does for fun (in this case, mora. and a bunch of other items you can get from katheryne once you complete your daily commissions)

this is probably how he meets all his friends. if he wasn’t a part of any association, i don’t think he’d have many (not saying that he’s unable to make friends, he’d choose not to unless necessary)

strives to be a well-known adventurer, probably takes up more commissions than the average one

likes spending time in places with good ambience, food, and booze. probably is a regular at angel’s share and liyue’s street food stalls on days he comes to town

jake

i think he’d have an electro vision. it’s something about the way he fiercely cares for other people that makes me think that this suits him best

okay hear me out but i think he’d be amazing with a bow and arrow. he seems to have the tenacity and upper body strength for it, and i don’t think he’d particularly want something that could do a quick kill, like a sword or claymore per se

uhh... yeah he’d be fischl, i suppose. idk this realization was a bit weird to me but it doesn’t seem so far off from happening

sometimes uses his skills to shoot at fruit from trees; it’s a pretty good party trick

association-wise i don’t think he’d wanna join any, tbh. he’d be an “everyone’s friend” kinda guy. unlike heeseung who’d have acquaintances from all around, jake would generally want to befriend different kinds of people (helps around wangshu inn sometimes because of this)

still though, i think he hangs with members of the adventurer’s guild a lot

don’t be surprised if you catch him befriending a member of the fatui-

i also see him really immersing himself in the culture of each country he visits

he’s the guy who pets all the animals, especially the dogs

also seems like the kind to purchase or collect raw meat just to give to the stray animals he meets on his travels

sunghoon

oh boy am i excited for this one

okay so i know this is stereotypical but... cryo vision. honestly, having a geo vision would also be possible but remember that one time childe said something around the lines of the goddess of cryo having such a warm heart and she loved so much to the point it froze? yeah i think i’m basing him off the tsaritsa-

weapon would be a sword. i considered choosing a polearm for him but i think he’d want something slightly heavier that would get the job done, but not necessarily a claymore. do i think he has the capacity to use a claymore if he wanted to, though? sure why not

hello kaeya (or qiqi, if you’d wish)

okay okay this is where it gets fun... imagine sunghoon as a member of the fatui

mmm villain!sunghoon we love to see it

he’d honestly probably be on the road to becoming a harbinger? like, we see how he works very hard at ice skating and idol training, who’s to say that he won’t climb up the ranks real quick?

yes jakehoon brotp agenda is still on so they would be friends (though honestly their friendship is kinda uncanny)

when i thought of stuff to write for him i kinda think that he’d like liyue a lot; the tradition and order feel like home to him. this also fits lore because there’s more fatui appearances in liyue compared to mondstadt

also seems like the kind to wander around the city when things start to calm down for the day; if he’s not being tasked on a mission, he sometimes likes to head out to huaguang stone forest

sunoo

sunshine baby

okay i think he’d have an anemo vision (and this is not because he reminds me of venti). there was another theory that said that anemo vision-holders are hard workers who sometimes don’t give themselves enough rest, and sunoo seems to make the cut. he’s crazy hardworking at things he know he’s lacking at and strives to improve

i think he’d have a catalyst (yes!! we need male catalyst characters!!); i can see him absolutely fascinated by the way catalysts work like... “there’s no solid object engineering the attacks so... what is that? it seems so cool!”��

so yeah he’d be sucrose, hello

i also think he’d want to be a part of the adventurer’s guild! it keeps him busy plus he likes helping people :D

would then be introduced to jay (and possibly jake) when he’s assigned to do a commission with him. honestly he’d prefer doing commissions with others rather than doing them alone

has a hard time killing monsters because he finds them cute (especially slimes). i think he’d also empathize with hilichurls to a degree

i see him residing in mondstadt most of the time; he’d also like talking to the locals a lot (has a high rep because of this)

loves trying out local cuisine, some of his favorite dishes include sweet madame and zhongyuan chop suey!

ni-ki

oh i’m also kinda excited for his too

so i initially thought he’d have a pyro vision, but after some time i figured he’d have an electro vision instead. i think it’s this weird sentiment i feel that he’d protect his passions with his life (in this case, dancing; he’s literally inseparable from it), so there’s that

totally looks like the kind to have a polearm. he definitely would want something lightweight that he could lowkey flex with

sadly he doesn’t have a genshin character twin yet :(

would also not have any affiliation whatsoever; he just traverses the land like the free spirit he is

occasionally would tag along with some adventurer’s guild members, but doesn’t like the idea of people telling him what to do; he creates his own adventures instead

am i the only one here who thinks that he’d honestly run really fast here (hehe speedy boi)

he’d love dashing through mondstadt’s plains (particularly springvale), sometimes slashing monsters left and right (he likes liyue’s scenery but the terrain is way too mountainous for him)

one thing he does like about liyue though is playing with the kids in the harbor. he’d get them toys with the extra mora he receives when helping people (big brother ni-ki agenda hmm)

[zirkkun]

I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

[trepidatious]

(   natalia  dyer  &  alexandra daddario   )   bopping  along  to  vanilla twilight  by  owl city  is  vienna schuyler  ,  the  twenty-one  year  old  cisfemale  thrown  back  to  their  sports journalism  days  with  none  of  her  memories  .  voted  most  likely  to  break  into  area  51  ,  vienna  was  known  for  being  passionate  &  bashful  ,  go  figures  you’d  always  find  them  on  the  ice  rink  ,  but  grew  up  to  be  tranquil  &  withdrawn  .   ✎   kaya  ,  22  ,  she/her  ,  pst  . 

P A R A L L E L S

mia thermapolis ( princess diaries ) , hyuuga hinata ( naruto ) , casey carlyle ( ice princess ) , amy antsler ( booksmart ) , nadine franklin ( the edge of seventeen )

T R O P E S

shrinking violet , grew a spine , adorkable , homeschooled kid , geek , she is all grown up , extreme doormat , the confidant , eyes always averted , nice girl , shy finger twiddling

1 9 8 8 - 2 0 1 0

          born in albany, new york to philip and danielle schuyler, the schuyler twins had been the center of their parents’ world from the moment they took their very first breath. they never had to want for anything and their childhood was often spent in upstate new york, visiting a family cabin during the holidays. it was those winter adventures that inspired vienna to pick up her first pair of skates, wanting to join the teens who’d she see skating across a frozen lake. at first she stumbled through, barely being able to keep herself upright, but by the end of the holidays she had mastered how to glide across the frozen landscape. after that it was only a matter of time before she started begging for lessons which inevitably lead to small competitions and private coaching.

          after developing a familiar routine on and off the ice, her parents getting transferred to bellevue, washington caused the schuyler family to move across the country and a seed of doubt to be placed in vienna’s head. while at first apprehensive that her ice skating career would never get to see the light of day, her nerves were quick to dissipate once she joined a local rink and continued her budding career as a skater. homeschooled so she could have time for her private coaching, vienna never got to socialize with others her age, often sticking to the sidelines and offering shy smiles to her fellow competitors. instead her downtime was spent alone, although sometimes in the company of her twin, as she binged movie franchises from star wars to lord of the rings.

             by the time she was a freshmen in high school, most of her summers were spent in san diego for a weekend, attending comic con whenever the dates didn’t coincide with her skating life. socially inept with no skills other than skating, vienna’s parents made it a point for her to attend a university like them, not believing that their daughter’s skating career would be enough to keep her afloat despite the success of her international junior career. vienna found herself reluctantly agreeing, being too timid to argue and chose to join rvu knowing her old coach from new york had moved down to california.

            a wallflower entering university, attempting to make friends and being in a school setting had felt like a rug being pulled right from under her. in her classes she was hardly acknowledged, only having her presence known whenever she was paired up for a group project. without the private tutor she was used to having her whole life, class settings were often spent with her lost in thought, filling her mind with daydreams of the future and random thoughts about whatever film she had watched the night prior. even when confronted outside of class, she’d often have a soft tone with whoever she was talking to, her eyes cast down as if she was only a few minutes away from stuttering. when you did notice her, it wasn’t uncommon to find a beginning of a blush forming on her face, a nervous smile becoming her default expression whenever interacting with someone.

            stretched thin with her studies and unable to qualify for the 2009 u.s. nationals championship, it was common knowledge within the skating community that vienna would still continue training during the current cycle of competitions instead of participating. skipping most of the major international competitions, she instead put her energy and skills into having a set of polished routines ready for the 2011 circuit. but with her degree being in sports broadcasting, espn had invited her to be a co-commentator for the 2009 world championships held in los angeles. with the conversation being about a topic she knew like the back of her hand, her commentary came fluidly and her usually bashful nature was nowhere to be seen as she observed the performances before her. with that attempt successful, it was no surprise that she was invited to vancouver to once again commentate on the competition.

2 0 1 0 - 2 0 2 0

            graduating from rom valley university in 2010, she became a paid intern at espn, attending different competitions whenever she wasn’t competing in them. the internship only lasted a year, with her putting her broadcast career on pause to focus full-time on the 2014 olympic circuit. the next few years passed by in a breeze with her getting silver at the 2013 u.s. nationals and sixth place in the world championship, earning the united states a third spot in the olympics. during the 2014 u.s. championships, vienna placed first in the short and free programs, winning the national title and securing a spot on the u.s. olympic team. the rest of her career followed similarly, with her once again competing and placing in world’s as well as winning a bronze team medal in the 2018 olympics.

            before the throwback to 2010 happened, vienna had taken another pause in her competitive career, having suffered a stress fracture that put her out of commission. however, as a now internationally decorated medalist, she found herself returning to her broadcast roots, once again commentating at the different competitions and being interviewed on numerous talk shows. throughout her years post-graduation, she had kept in touch with a few people but for the most has kept to herself, preferring her own company over any amount of people. now able to turn on her charisma in situations non-related to skating, she had found herself content with where she was in life, with her days of smiling bashfully at the ground long gone, instead being replaced with confidence.

Q U I C K  F A C T S

unfortunately she’s one of the few who DOES NOT remember anything after 2010

all the self-growth and confidence she developed post-graduation??? long gone and home girl doesn’t even realize it sdfghj

definitely still a bashful mess who is avoiding eye contact whenever possible but hey, she’s definitely approachable and currently lacks the ability to be rude to anyone

doesn’t realize the whole marvel cinematic universe becomes as big and major as it is now so if anyone spoils anything she’d either think they’re an oracle of sorts or a secret writer for the mcu

she’s the biggest nerd and fan girl like i saw a few actors/oscar winners on the taken list and if any of your muses were a part of a marvel, lord of the rings, star wars, etc ( if it was at comic con then consider her a fan tbh ) she would have lost her shit being like “i went to school with this person omg” or “my friend is the scarlet witch!!!”

knows random facts about the stars and outer space and probably used to tweet at nasa a lot

her favorite barbie movie is the rapunzel one solely bc homegirl is staring and singing about the stars sdfghjk

probably asked her acting friends to be an extra in whatever movie they’re in

she says it as a joke but one of those “ get me in the movie. jk.... unless ????”

believes aliens are real and probably talked about it in 2010 and in 2020

like her theories about area 51??? and the government???? she could talk about them for days tbh

avoids drugs like the plague. will not even be anywhere where there’s weed smoke bc she’s scared it’ll pop up on her drug test bc she’s a paranoid dumb lil bean

probably doesn’t really drink that often but when she does it’s tito’s vodka

big nerd who speaks sindarin, can read aurebesh, and can somewhat speak togruta despite the limited amount of words that are known

named after the billy joel song and proud of it

ANYWAYS PLS PLOT WITH ME !!!!! my discord is medieval 4loko gang#5402 but feel free to hmu on here <3

i have a stats page here and wc page here !!!

but also come check out her pinterest board here

[tsukkiscookies]

self ship hcs :3

@cupofkenma​ I HAD NO IDEA / I COMPLETELY FORGOT YOU TAGGED ME UNTIL NOW D: SO ENJOY SOMETHING I WHIPPED UP IN TEN MINUTES BECAUSE I CANNOT RESIST

general hcs because :D i forgot how to write :D

psst. blacklist #kagsrisse if you don’t want to see me and my self indulgent self ships, but i guess this post already sums everything i have to say, unless 😳

(everything under the cut because i got too carried away)

-getting over the initial stage of awkwardness would take a bit of time tbh, considering how the both of us are just shy babies who want affection but would not outright ask for it 

-but once that stage is over you bet i'm going to hold those pretty setter hands of his 24/7 and thrive in his cuddles

-he would probably be the big spoon? he do be a whole 20cm taller than me ehehe but he wouldn't mind being the little spoon either

-his cuddles are warm and natural, but his muscles do be fine as hecc, they're not that big but they just perfectly fit his figure, so find me subconsciously tracing his muscles because i don't have any :( 

-baby is touch starved because of his lack of experience, so he secretly loves all the little gestures like me initiating to link arms with him, or pulling his hands, or tracing random patterns on his lap 🥺

-omg like, setter hands? please don't get me started i cannot stress this enough :( the amount of care that goes into making sure that his hands are in the perfect condition is mwah *chefs kiss*

-i envision that his hands are a little on the more rough and veiny side because of (surprise surprise) volleyball, but his nails would be well kept as hecc (i would paint them for him tbh)

-he's the kind to mindlessly, subtly fiddle with your fingers while doing seemingly ordinary things, and the way our hands fit in each others despite the size difference is mwah *another chefs kiss*

-i can also totally see him giving hand kisses because he's too shy to kiss anyone on the cheeks or on the lips (in public)

-i think he would be a fan of back hugs? like,, the size difference is low key cute :( imagine him wrapping his arms around my torso from behind as i feel his p e c c s on my back? and if he whispers sweet nothings in my ear? b o i oh boy 

-in private, he would probably go with cuddling and kissing, the soft, sweet kind and nothing more. because i have a feeling he doesn't have a lot of experience in this area, rip our awkward milk baby

-n e ways, i think he's the kind to be into really subtle actions of love. like, he's the kind to religiously leave me a box of milk on my table, or the kind to send casual texts asking me if i had my lunch already etc and i find it so cute 🥺

-this boy is trying his best 

-he isn't really good with compliments, can't give one without being a stuttering and blushing mess. but i love hearing them from him anyway 🥰

-he's the kind to take me on cafe study dates, i really love cafe aesthetics + my boy really needs to study :( he's lucky he's good at volleyball

-like i said, he probably wouldn't really be into pda, so i'd expect hand holding under the table as he traces my hand with his fingers

-blueberry boy probably can't stay concentrated though, he has a really limited attention span so i would (probably) give him smooches to keep him motivated? sounds like a pretty great incentive HHHH

- i guess he would drag me to the gym sometimes and we would just workout together and chill? taking two birds with one stone 🥳 we can be your local gym couple 

-he gives me "blink and you will miss it" vibes, so if i don't pay attention he would give me a quick peck on the forehead and mind his own business as if nothing ever happened

-risse.exe has stopped working

-like sure, we would probably be doing this kind of stuff in private that it isn't abnormal, but something about him doing it in public and marking his possessions? that's kinda 🔥

-i bet his sister would tease him all the time because she's really the only person he can go to for general dating advice, so sometimes miwa and i would plot stuff against him and he would pout 

- へ[ •́ ‸ •̀ ]ʋ

- it's honestly so adorable aaa i love this man so much 

- i also think that he owns a lot of sports brand stuff like hoodies and sweats because of volleyball, and he would always wear them out even if he isn't doing any sports? so yeah gym couple looks +1 

- i would totally steal his hoodies and wear them and treasure them like it's a family heirloom or something. i think he would smell like fresh laundry with a hint of fresh minty-ness to it? as well as a subtle earthy scent that i really don't know how to describe

- tbh, i wouldn’t just steal his hoodies, i would steal his entire wardrobe because i can 

-overall i really love this human sized blueberry, definitely rating “i would marry him” out of 10

(omg these hcs are all over the place lol)

edit: fixed a few grammatical errors because my fingers were flying too fast

[onwardintolight]

My initial TROS thoughts

I’m still on cloud nine from last night. Not only did I get to fulfill a dream of trooping at a local premiere with the Rebel Legion, but the movie. 

THE MOVIE. 

It was so much more than I’d hoped for. It was an incredible end to this saga. 

I have a lot of thoughts, and it’s still all kind of jumbled up since I only just saw it last night (I know I’ll have a crazy amount of thoughts and theories and meta after I’ve seen it a few more times and had more time to digest it all) but I just wanted to get some of this out right now because I can hardly bear keeping it all in.

I will keep this spoiler free initially, then delve into spoilers under the cut.

First of all, I haven’t felt this way watching a Star Wars movie since I was a little girl watching Return of the Jedi. I seriously felt like a kid again. I felt that “Star Wars” feeling, that magic. I felt completely immersed in the story, led on a wild ride with no clue where it would lead. I felt the enormous stakes, I felt the camaraderie and love between the characters, I felt the depth and the meaning of the story that was being told and how it was both incredibly personal and galactic in scope.

Everyone has their own Star Wars, and I’m of the opinion that it’s all valid. Whether you’re primarily an OT fan, a prequels fan, a sequels fan, strictly old EU, or whatever else you may be, I’m here for you enjoying Star Wars in your own way. So please understand that when I say that, to me, this movie is the Star Warsiest Star Wars to ever Star Wars since the OT, that’s my perspective, and I respect your right to disagree (and I know many probably will). 

But to me, this movie felt like coming home. This was, once again, my Star Wars, the Star Wars I fell in love with as a little kid.

When I say that, I also say that as someone who is a fan of the entire saga. I’ve grown to love and deeply appreciate the prequels. While I was initially disappointed by them, I’ve grown to love and appreciate the sequels, too. Rogue One is one of my all-time favorite movies, and I adore Solo. But TROS will likely be among my top Star Wars movies of all time, right up there with ESB and ROTJ.

I know this movie has divided a lot of people. Many people who had specific hopes had those hopes dashed. And I acknowledge that there were some problems that should be critiqued. If you didn’t like this movie, your feelings are valid.

But right now, for the most part, I don’t want to think about all that. I just want to celebrate something that I love and that has already meant so much more to me than I could have possibly guessed.

Before I go to the cut, I just want to urge you not to continue reading if you haven’t seen the movie and haven’t heard all the major spoilers. There are some pretty huge moments and reveals in TROS. I managed to avoid all unofficially released spoilers, and I’m so glad I did, because it wouldn’t have been the same. Seeing the facts laid out on a page is not the same as watching the journey. If I’d seen the facts, I may have scoffed at some of them. Instead, I let the story lead me, and I believed in it and I was invested in it with my whole heart. Unless you have your heart absolutely set on a specific outcome and you know you will feel devastated if it doesn’t happen, I HIGHLY recommend going into this movie with an open mind, free from spoilers.

AGAIN: DO NOT READ ON IF YOU DON’T WANT MAJOR, MAJOR SPOILERS. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING

Okay, now for some random spoilerific thoughts! This is by no means comprehensive (and rather OT-character heavy, though I feel a lot too about the ST characters), but just a few things I wanted to get out.

First of all, they did my OT characters so right. This was a better ending than I could have imagined. I do wish we’d gotten to see all three of them on screen together one last time, and I also wish Han and Leia had never broken up before TFA. But those objections feel pretty small now. The books made Han and Leia’s separation much easier to bear (it was clear it was only for a few years, and they still loved each other). And despite not being physically all together, I felt almost as if they were together in this movie in spirit. Each of the three got to play a part so magnificent and meaningful, I can still hardly believe it. 

HAN!!! HAN APPEARING TO BEN!! I HAD NO IDEA HE WOULD BE IN THIS MOVIE BUT HE WAS AND IT WAS SO INCREDIBLY GOOD!! I want to cry just thinking about it. I know Ben said he must have been projected from his memories, but I think maybe, just maybe, it might be something more. Either way, it was one of the most powerful moments in the film and I wept.

LUKE. Luke got to prove that, as Yoda said, “the greatest teacher, failure is.” He was such a strong, benevolent, encouraging figure in this movie. I have no objections to where Rian Johnson took his character in TLJ—we all spend our lives learning and relearning the same lessons, after all, in deeper and deeper ways, and I felt it made sense for his character, AND it was a meaningful and powerful message/representation for those struggling with mental health—but I was also incredibly glad to see this Luke in TROS, “more powerful than you can imagine” as a Force ghost and just as much the Jedi he was when he threw his lightsaber away in ROTJ—and more, because of all that he’s grown through and how much wisdom he’s attained since then.

And OMG LEIA.

THEY DID MY PRINCESS RIGHT.

JEDI MASTER LEIA. LEIA TRAINING REY. LEIA’S LIGHTSABER!!!

I started sobbing the moment it became clear that she was going to use her last strength to try to reach Ben (more on that later). The sobbing continued when her lightsaber was given to Rey, and then that AMAZING FREAKING TRAINING FLASHBACK scene happened, and I was sobbing so hard from pure happiness, just processing all the joy, that I hardly noticed any details and had to ask someone later what color her lightsaber was and what was said.

This was, truly, Leia’s movie, just as it was always supposed to be, just as TFA was Han’s and TLJ was Luke’s. I couldn’t believe that they managed it. It was so incredibly meaningful and it was an incredible tribute to Carrie and to my favorite character.

Back to Leia reaching out to Ben. Over the years, I’ve slowly grown to be pro bendemption. That might surprise a few people on here since I haven’t written much about it—not for lack of wanting to, but just because I never really got around to it. I know many people who fervently aren’t a fan of the idea. I could write a whole essay on this, but it’s late so I’m gonna leave it at this for now: to me, it became so clear that he still had light in him, and the potential to turn back and atone. Plus, it hurt too much to think that Han and Leia’s son, and the Skywalker legacy, could fall and end in such evil and ruin. I wanted the Skywalkers to ultimately change the galaxy for good and bring balance and all that, just as was promised. I wanted this family to ultimately be this vast force of Light, despite all the evil the Dark unleashed through some of them.

Well, I feel like I got that in this movie. And not only the Skywalkers, but the granddaughter of Palpatine, too. It was as if everything that was dark and evil got overturned from the inside. It was so triumphant. The Skywalker legacy lives on in the best way.

But yeah, Leia being the one to really reach out and help bring Ben back to the light, and Han helping, was just everything my heart could have wanted. 

Gaaaahhhh there’s so much more, and it’s getting late and I need to go to bed, but a few short things before then:

- THAT FINAL CONFRONTATION HOLY CRAP. I have so many questions but also I just loved it

- I even loved the kiss.

- Ben crawling back to help Rey 😭

- LANDO LANDO LANDO

- FREAKING WEDGE

- the whole dynamic between the new cast was just perfect

- the one thing I’m mad about and probably always will be is that Rose was horribly sidelined :(

- however I’m not mad, like a lot of people are, that Rey isn’t actually a “nobody.” I’ll write more on this later but for now I’ll just say that, while Rey being a nobody is a powerful story, I never felt like it had to be that way, because we’ve already got Anakin’s story. And, tbh, many of the Jedi. Star Wars, while revolving around a certain family, has never indicated that lineage is everything or that people can’t be heroes from anywhere.

- And FINN

- OMG FORCE SENSITIVE FINN I JUST WANTED TO JUMP UP AND DOWN AND CHEER

Okay this is really enough for tonight. Can’t wait to see it again tomorrow!

[writing-for-amusement]

Walk, Walk, Fashion Baby, 3

Summary:  As a young and successful fashion designer, you approach Joshua Kane to do a collaboration that brings regular and plus size high-end fashion into the world; your plan is to take the world by storm. Harrison Osterfield becomes the one to model one half of your masterpiece, and on the trek to find the perfect model for the other half, you keep coming up empty. After encouragement from Joshua and Harrison, you agree to model it yourself. This means that you’ll work even closer to Harrison, and you’re worried that your budding feelings for him, and his hidden ones for you, could ruin the collection and everything you’ve worked for. But perhaps the road to the fashion storm will also lead to a new power couple in the fashion world.

A/N: Okay, I feel like I haven’t updated this one in forever BUT I have so much for this chapter, so.... lol. This is a lot of... idk, stuff. But I hope you like it! It should be moving much faster with this one soon! I’m expecting it to only be a few more parts, tbh, with an end of smut. If you want to be on the taglist for this piece, or on my permanent taglist, just let me know!!!

Permanent Taglist: @pparkerwrites, @jordyns-library, @natblidaclexa, @peterseuphoria, @lesbian-x-blackwidow, @beccaboo929, @softrdj, @icecoldban

WWFB Taglist: @ghostofdrfluke

Disclaimer:  I do not personally know Harrison Osterfield, nor do I claim to. I am essentially using his personage and visage to create a completely fictional story. I also don’t claim to know Joshua Kane (though we have had brief interactions on Instagram). That being said, I hope you enjoy this!!!

Warnings: hospital stuff, I did way too much research about broken noses, needles near the face, anxiety, anxiety about doctors/hospitals, bit of panic, possibly too much hand holding if that’s possible, a limited knowledge of the British healthcare system (but like I do know a decent amount), some fluff too tho, exhaustion, some tiny self-esteem issues near the end, some weird flirting maybe

Word Count: 3639

Chapter 3

At the A&E, it was busy. It was a Friday night, after all, and London was a big city with a lot of people. But Harrison ushered you to a seat as he signed you in and got a clipboard for you to fill out. He sat down next to you and pretended to not be paying attention as you squinted at the clipboard.

You filled it out and went to get up before Harrison gently took it from you and pushed you back to the chair. He gave you a cheeky grin and a wink as he walked away, making your heart nearly vibrate.

Soon enough, Harrison was sitting back down next to you, your thighs occasionally brushing against each other. He soon noticed your worry as it manifested in the jiggling of your leg; he cleared his throat to get your attention.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I…” you swallowed nervously, “I’m not a fan of doctors or anything like that. Just old anxiety, I guess,” you tried to play it off with a chuckle.

Harrison’s eyes narrowed as he took you in, making you avert your eyes anxiously. His voice was gentle, tugging at your heartstrings, as he said, “What’s really wrong, Y/N?”

You took in a deep breath and looked at your hands, folded in your lap. “It’s silly.”

“If you’re worried about something, it’s not silly,” he reassured you. “C’mon, Y/N,” he nudged you gently, a soft smile on his face, “tell me. I won’t laugh.”

“If my nose is crooked,” you began as you bit your lip, “will it ruin the show?”

Harrison stared at you for a few moments, his blue eyes bright and framed by those ridiculously unfair eyelashes. Then, he took your hands in his, making you look up at him in surprise. His hands weren’t rough and weren’t soft, but they were gentle, more so than anything you think you’ve ever felt.

“Y/N, even if your nose is crooked, you’ll still rock that runway. You can rock anything, love, and if it were to be a little less straight for the show, well, that just makes everything more unique and more you, doesn’t it?” He quirked his lips in a smile and rubbed his thumbs over your knuckles. “Besides, your designs are so amazing, I doubt anyone would notice a slightly off-center nose. And,” he added quickly, widening his eyes and leaning in a bit for emphasis, “even if your nose is a little crooked, you’ll be just as beautiful as ever.”

You ran your tongue across your lips as you tried to think of a response. “I… thanks, Harrison,” you finally managed to say. “That actually really helped.”

“Anytime, love,” he winked at you as he let go of one of your hands.

You thought he would let go of the other one, but instead he laced your fingers together and kept it between you. Harrison continued to rub his thumb across your hand, sending little electric tingles up your arm and making your heart fill with warmth. You tried to ignore the electricity by scrolling on your phone, but to no avail. Even as you used one hand to play a puzzle game, you were acutely aware of him holding your hand.

As you waited, hand in hand, you would loosen your hand ever so slightly, just in case Harrison wanted to let go. He always responded by squeezing your hand tighter. You’d also glance at him as he played on his own phone, and each time he squeezed your hand, the corners of his mouth quirked in a small smile.

Finally, finally, your name was called. You weren’t irritated, necessarily, because there were people with slightly more pressing issues than yours. You just wanted to get out of that uncomfortable chair.

You didn’t want to let go of Harrison’s hand, though.

Apparently, Harrison didn’t want you to either, as he stood with you and squeezed your hand again, this time for reassurance. The nurse was nice, taking you through to the examination room and checking your nose briefly before asking a few questions. She then got some x-rays, since the doctor would want them anyway, and took you back to the room.

After a few minutes sitting on a chair and holding Harrison’s hand, a doctor (apparently a nose specialist) walked in, looking cheerful yet tired, as a doctor often does. He asked you how it happened and as you explained, he was washing his hands and chuckling at how you called the drunk man a Neanderthal. He directed you to sit on the table and Harrison followed, not letting go of your hand because he could tell you were nervous.

“Well, let’s take a look,” the doctor came forward quickly, making you flinch in surprise. “Sorry, love. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

Harrison squeezed your hand reassuringly and smiled when you squeezed back. Every time the doctor would gently press on your nose and cheekbones, Harrison would give you a small squeeze. The bruising was already quite tender, so you were thankful when the doctor stopped pressing and instead looked into your nose.

“Well, okay, let’s look at the x-rays,” the doctor suggested, though it wasn’t actually a suggestion. He put them up and you looked at it, wincing to yourself as you saw the cracks in the bones and cartilage.

“I feel like right now would be a good time for a nose pun,” Harrison muttered to you, making you chuckle slightly.

“I ‘nose’ it would be,” you whispered back, making his eyes light up with laughter.

The doctor interrupted your giggling by saying, “Okay, I would like to do what’s called a closed reduction surgery, and I’d like to do that tonight. Essentially, it’s local anesthesia, and then I’ll come in and elevate these depressed bones,” he pointed to some bones, “and I’ll depress some of these elevated bones. Then I’ll straighten everything. Easy procedure, but if you’re uncomfortable with it, we can put you under general anesthetic.”

“Um,” your mouth and throat felt dry, “n-no, I don’t think I need the general. Uh, let’s get this started, then.”

“Okay, I’ll go get everything ready,” the doctor said with a smile, quickly leaving the room. He popped his head back in to say, “A nurse will come get you when it’s ready.”

“Do you want me to stay, love?” Harrison asked you gently.

Your eyes snapped over to his, filled with panic. You weren’t mentally prepared for the surgery. The last time you had surgery, it had taken you four months of mental preparation (partially because the American system had to schedule you four months out), and even then, you hadn’t felt ready. Then again, you’d been a child at the time…

Flashes of needles right next to your face caused you to clutch onto Harrison’s arm.

“Don’t leave,” you pleaded with a whisper, and you saw spark flit across his beautiful light blue eyes. The edges of those eyes crinkled slightly as he grinned at you.

“Don’t worry, love,” he placated you, placing one of his hands on yours on his arm, “I won’t leave you unless you want me to.”

You smiled at him and felt a little frozen under his gaze. He was looking at you so intensely that you didn’t know what to do. So, in a classic and totally not awkward style, you kept still and merely shyly averted your eyes.

You felt your blood run hotter under his gaze, and then a knocking on the door made him take a step back. Without his hand on yours on his arm, you felt like you could breathe a bit easier; he made you nervous but in the best possible way, but you hated that. You hated feeling nervous, especially the butterflies kind of nervous. It made you hyperaware of your actions, but also made you say things without your usual amount of contemplation.

The knock had been a nurse coming to get you to take you (and Harrison) to a room with the proper chair/lights combo for the procedure. You got off the table (albeit a little ungracefully) and started after her. Your hands were shaking, and then you started to wring them together anxiously as you walked behind the nurse.

A hand touched yours and you looked to the side to see Harrison smiling at you gently. He took one of your hands and laced your fingers together as you walked, squeezing reassuringly as he did before. It made you feel safer.

“Hello again,” the doctor greeted you as you entered the room. “Please take a seat and we’ll get started right away.”

You did as the man instructed, sitting in the chair and lacing your own fingers together. Harrison stood to the side, relatively close, but not in the way. As the doctor finished washing his hands and turned around in his chair, he saw Harrison standing.

“There’s a chair right behind you, you can sit there if you want. It moves,” the doctor said as he put on his gloves.

“Ah, thanks mate,” Harrison said happily, pulling the chair forward and sitting down. He was closer now, a little lower than you, but you could feel his presence better now.

The doctor stood and stepped closer to you, leaning the chair back. You swallowed nervously as you went down, your heartrate increasing exponentially.

“Are you ready?” the nurse asked. “It’ll all be completely fine.” She began clean and sterilize your nose and the surrounding areas; the scent of it burned at your nose hairs.

“As ready as I can be,” you admitted nervously.

“Are you afraid of needles?” the nurse inquired as she continued to rub your skin.

“No, I don’t mind medical or tattoo needles—I have several tattoos—but I am afraid of needles right next to my face,” you said timidly. Harrison squeezed your hand gently.

“Well, we will be as quick as we can with the needles. Just close your eyes,” the doctor suggested, and you quickly followed that advice.

As you felt them getting closer and closer to your face, your breathing picked up. It wasn’t until Harrison quietly said, “It’s alright to breathe, love,” that you realized you’d been holding your breath ever so slightly.

“Little pinch,” the doctor said, and your eyes flew open. You saw the needle and felt the pinch, and probably almost crushed poor Harrison’s large hand.

“Doctor, do you mind if I talk?” Harrison whispered. “It might help her relax.”

“Please do,” the doctor nodded, “another pinch here, dear.”

“So, Y/N, would you like to hear the story of the time Tom and I got lost in the middle of an area we grew up in?”

“Sure,” you rasped quietly.

As Harrison launched into his story and your nose and face became numb, you were able to relax and close your eyes. His voice was truly soothing to your nerves. As you focused on the story, you found yourself thinking about other things that would sound amazing in Harrison’s voice.

Thankfully, as you heard a clatter of instruments, you were able to back out of that dangerous hole once more. Harrison squeezed your hand as you breathed in shakily, running his thumb along your hand.

“You’re doing great, Y/N,” the nurse reassured you.

“Yup, we will be done before you know it,” the doctor stated.

You let out a nervous hum of acknowledgement and Harrison gave you another squeeze. He continued with his story, still softly rubbing your hand with his thumb. When he would say something funny or ridiculous, you would squeeze his hand gently. He always chuckled briefly in response and squeezed back.

As everything dragged on and your breathing picked up again ever so slightly, Harrison tried a new tactic. He would tap a few times on your hand with his thumb and you would reply with the same number of taps. It made you feel even better than holding or squeezing his hand did because it was actively distracting you.

Harrison had gone through two hilarious stories when the doctor and nurse announced they were done and just needed to clean up a bit. Cotton was stuffed in your nose and you were slowly raised back up.

It was not a good feeling.

You felt better, however, as Harrison continued to hold your hand while the doctor went through the aftercare you needed to do. The doctor asked the nurse to print out some instructions for you so you could reference them. After she left, the doctor turned to Harrison with a look that was a combination of teasing and serious.

“Make sure your girlfriend changes that gauze and ices that nose as soon as you two get home, young man,” he stated sternly with that glint still in his eyes.

You were tired, but you weren’t so tired that you didn’t feel embarrassed by the man’s assumption. The unfortunate and annoying voice that was usually packed in a box in the back of your head came out and hissed that Harrison could never date a woman like you.

You opened your mouth to correct the good doctor, but Harrison interrupted you by saying, “Of course, sir, I always make sure my girlfriend takes care of herself.”

Your heart pounded loudly in your chest. It was pounding so ferociously that you were positive that Harrison could feel it in your hand, through your fingertips.

The doctor shook your hand and reminded you to take care of yourself, before nodding at Harrison and leaving the room. The nurse appeared in the open doorway and gestured for you and Harrison to follow her. She reiterated parts of the aftercare that you needed to definitely do and said that she’d call you in a few days to see how you were doing. After giving you the stapled papers and a kind smile, the nurse bid you both ado.

Harrison led you out of the A&E, and you couldn’t find the energy to ask him why he didn’t correct the doctor. You were exhausted and your nose felt incredibly strange with both the gauze and the anesthesia. To put it simply, you were not feeling the best.

“Your place or mine?” Harrison asked as he looked for a cab, still holding your hand.

You simply gave a grunt as a response.

Harrison chuckled at you and squeezed your hand slightly as he stepped forward to hail a cab. As the cab pulled up, he let go of your hand to open the door for you. The coldness that wafted over your hand was jarring; it seemed like he’d been holding your hand for hours. It was a miracle that your hand wasn’t covered in sweat.

You clambered quite ungracefully into the cab, Harrison right behind you. The lack of noise was more comforting than you expected; your shoulders loosened ever so slightly as Harrison shut the door and told the cab where to go.

To your surprise, Harrison laced your hands together again. When you glanced at him, he was looking out the window at the passing cars, acting as if holding your hand was the most normal thing in the world.

Your heart wanted it to become a normal thing, but your anxious mind couldn’t help but whisper that he was only holding your hand to be nice, to calm you down.

Instead of letting the anxiety or hope take over your mind, you let the exhaustion creep in. As a yawn stretched your face and you let out an accompanying sigh, you heard Harrison chuckle.

Your attempt at a withering glare was met with another chuckle.

“What?” you asked quietly.

“You’re just really cute, love, that’s all,” he smiled at you.

You scoffed in the back of your throat and rolled your eyes, turning to the window. You didn’t know where you were going, and you’d gotten turned around enough on the way to the A&E. Normally you had a great sense of direction, but when you were tired and discombobulated, direction went out the window.

A few minutes later, you rolled up to an apartment building, but not your apartment building. It was obviously Harrison’s, and he led you inside after paying the driver.

You followed Harrison into his apartment—or flat, as he called it—without much arguing. The exhaustion was seeping into your bones. Hunger was also seeping into your body as you waited in the elevator.

You’d never been to Harrison’s flat before. You knew he wasn’t living with his parents anymore, but you also knew that he visited them often (you’d gotten cookies from his family before). As this was a new experience, you tried to wake up a bit more in order to really remember it.

It was pretty much exactly what you anticipated. A relatively open floor plan, with modern furnishings, and a slightly messy kitchen. Harrison hurried around you and quickly shut a door, probably to his bedroom, and you raised a brow at him.

He cleared his throat and looked away with a blush on his cheeks. “I, uh, haven’t finished laundry yet,” he muttered his excuse.

You hummed in understand and continued to glance around, only to be surprised as Harrison tugged you by the arm to the couch. You were even more surprised by him twirling you into his arms and looking down at you with a smoldering gleam in his eyes and a mischievous smirk on his lips.

Then, you were falling onto the couch and a remote was being shoved in your hands.

“I’ll make something,” he explained as you looked up at him, “so get comfy.”

“Um, you don’t—”

“Hush, love,” Harrison interrupted you gently. “Really, just relax, put something on, it’s no trouble at all.” At your hesitant look, he said with extreme sincerity, “I want to take care of you, okay? Please no protesting or complaining?”

You sighed but nodded, and his bright whoop of happiness brought a smile to your own face. Harrison quickly bent down and pressed a kiss to the top of your head, then he very exaggeratedly jumped over the back of the couch and walked into the kitchen.

With an amused shake of your head at his antics, you flipped on the TV and opened the Hulu app. You flicked through it until you found a cooking show and selected a random episode. It was hard for you to get comfy in an unknown place, but the scent of the couch (you realized that it smelt like Harrison) and then the scent of something cooking had you practically melting into it. Your eyes even began to droop.

You were admittedly still in your work clothes (your pants were pretty uncomfortable, but the tank top and cardigan were alright), but you were so exhausted from stress via a myriad of reasons, that you were only slightly surprised when you began to drop off. After someone on the TV said something about making something close to their heart, though, your eyes were wide open and your stress back to the max.

As your heartrate was soaring through the roof as you were thinking about all of the things you still had to do, you were hit in the side of the head with something soft. You somehow managed to catch it as it fell towards the couch.

Harrison wiggled his eyebrows as you looked up at him and he said, “Strip.”

“Excuse me?” you shot back, furrowing your eyebrows in alarm.

He cackled with his head thrown back and started walking to the kitchen. “There’s some clothes you can put on to get comfy.”

You hesitantly looked at the clothes in your arms as you stood up, worrying your lip with your teeth. “Um, Harrison?” you called out.

“Yes?” he called back from the kitchen.

“I don’t think… these will fit.”

“Clothes fit all gorgeous bodies, so of course they’ll fit your gorgeous body,” he said as if it was so obvious.

You scoffed at his pure ridiculousness and shook your head. Too tired to go into that argument, you shuffled to the bathroom and tried on the clothes.

The sweatpants actually fit, because they were stretchy, but to no one’s surprise, the shirt was much too tight. It technically fit, but not in any way that you would want. With a shake of your head, you took it off and slipped on your tank top and cardigan again.

You walked back out to see Harrison lowering himself to the couch. His head whipped around to you when the shirt collided with his face.

“Why aren’t you wearing the shirt? It’s so soft!” He seemed genuinely confused.

“It’s too tight,” you replied with a shrug. “I’m too big to borrow the majority of your clothes, H. Not much in life is made for people like me.”

His eyebrows furrowed as you crossed your arms over your stomach and looked away. Then, to break the silence, he said, “I made pancakes. Dig in.”

You sat down next to him and yawned as you started to make your pancakes the way you liked. Harrison had put out a nice spread of stuff on the coffee table, and you felt a little self-conscious at the way he was watching you.

When you began to dig in, a small moan leaving your mouth at the sensation of food, Harrison let out a chuckle. You looked at him with wide eyes as you were putting another bite into your mouth, and that made him laugh more.

“You are the most adorable person I have ever seen,” he finally said with the softest smile you’d ever seen.

“Oh no,” you thought, “professionalism is going to be much, much harder than I thought, harder than I ever could have imagined…”

[dominicvail]

thjslove replied to your post

“do you think this could be end in one of them getting killed and...”

omg what CM receipts? ��

@thjslove cm is one of the most convoluted behind the scenes messes i have ever witnessed and i am just Astounded till this day like, i’ll bullet point for you because i Genuinely will be here writing this for 3 hours if i do details;

think of all the female cast members that have ever been on cm?? yeah?? a lot! well, the only ones who left in non suspicious circumstances? Lola Glaudini (elle) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (kate). Literally. The only ones. 

one time (between seasons 8 and 9) they almost cancelled the show because aj cook and kirsten vangsness decided they didn’t like that their male costars were making $70,000 more PER EPISODE than they were (this was back when they did 24 eps a season so like... i’m not gonna do the math but that is A Lot Of Money). (they renewed it last day of renewals, it was the same year cote de pablo walked from ncis because of the same reason, legit the only reason they got anywhere was b/c they said ‘we both get raises or we both walk’. 

btw while this was happening, minus Moore, the rest of the male cast was holding up negotiations so they got perks on top of being paid over 50% more than the women. 

this sequence is the kicker

u know season six, the jj and prentiss absences??? 

it was because they both got fired, listed as ‘creative decisions’ (that’s important later), which basically seemed to amount to ‘we want both less women and for her to be younger than both of you’. 

they fired aj cook flat out as her contract had expired that year, in the middle of a 2 parter, and didn’t even want to let her do an exit???? they legit had to fight for the right to have her to film an exit episode (they negotiatied 3 episodes, one for finishing the 2 parter, one exit, and one for when prentiss exited). 

brewster’s contract had Not expired (also important later), they just only decided she should be in 8 episodes. 

it’s important to the sequence of events that i mention outside influences, b/c the cm fans were PISSED. There was a straight up public outcry, i have Never seen a response like it in my many years of obsessive TV watching. People were Very fond of Prentiss and JJ and were Not impressed they were being booted as unnecessary to the narrative, those pesky creative decisions!!! the petitions and public support towards them were pretty incredible actually. 

by that point there wasn’t much that could be done about Cook, but seeing the response CBS kept making Brewster film Way more than those 8 episodes she got slotted for actively dragging her along, Still fired but p much unable to find other work realistically??? b/c they kept calling her back in???

public support was still Overwhelmingly on the actresses side. 

To the point that CBS started ardently claiming the actresses were fired for Monetary reasons. Yeah, they straight up lied, and still lie about it today. I have seen cbs affiliate websites print said lie bluntly in their articles (i no longer read cbs affiliate anything). 

I listed the pay scandal first for perspective on the money lie. At that point i think the men on the cast were wearing about $110,000 an episode, and it got out Cook was earning about £50,000 an ep, and we never heard about Brewster’s salary But when i say she made a Big Deal over finally getting paid as much as the men in the past couple of years i mean it, so we can assume she was also being paid a lot less. My point being, if they needed to save money, it would have been more profitable for them to fire One man on the show than two women. They pay gap was that much. 

so they lied, still lie, about why they fired them and it wasn’t even a good lie. 

ANYWAY

i know the show’s writing isn’t really applicable but Prentiss and Seaver  were never meant to be main characters on the show together, where they dragged out prentiss’ exit, they overlapped and Rachel Nichols had very little to do. 

Anyway, by the time the late eps of the season were airing (and i assume they looked at how many viewers cut loose when brewster left) cbs straight up rang up aj cook and asked her to sign back on (why she was in the last ep despite only being hired for 3 eps that season). She said she hated them but she had a young kid at the time and regular work that was local was helpful (plus, u know, i bet it was a great ego boost).

the season finishes airing, it goes on hiatus with the cast listed 4 season 7 as the men, garcia, jj and seaver. 

u know how i mentioned paget had a contract for s6 still but they cut her episodes down??? Well, CBS used the fact that they wouldn’t let her work on the show anymore despite being signed on as evidence that she was breaching contract if she didn’t go back as a regular for season 7. They threatened to sue her for breach of contract. The only reason prentiss was in s7 was because they used what they did against her that she had no power over to threaten her. So, u know, super nice. 

meanwhile, they fire rachel nichols, don’t bother to actually tell her they’d done it!!! and she found out on fucking twitter (and rachel is such a nice person, and she was absolutely vilified and abused by every idiot on the internet too thick to realise none of the above was her fault jeez). 

so s7 happens w/ the same cast as before, but brewster will Only work to contract and refuses to sign on again for s8. Understandable, tbh. 

they hire jeanne tripplehorn, fandom is disgusting as usual, like, absolutely vile, not surprised just disappointed. 

at the end of season 9 (they have 2 year contracts so like.. it was the end of her contract), despite everything in the  storyline process indicating otherwise and how much of a farce for her character what went down was... Blake left???? No more Jeanne???

Not one peep from bts over what happened.

if that sounds suspicious to you, it is, one of the crew members let slip they’d all been gagged and were not allowed to talk about it. So cbs learnt it’s lessons in as such that they learnt to hide their shitty actions rather than not do anything shitty.

p sure there was another pay scandal in here somewhere too??? 

in terms of The Gay(tm), Reid was like, conceptualised as bi from the get go but that thing in season one with Lila happened so the execs said he could not possibly be bisexual. Yeah. Yeah u read that right. Most ppl laugh at that one and say uhm do you not know what bi is??? but honestly it was just an excuse they knew full well what they were doing imo

why? they did it again! the writers, producers and Brewster all agreed on a scene where an episode opens w/ prentiss waking up in bed with another woman, guess who nixed it!!!! cbs. They also put a gag order on That little fact too! Kirsten Vangsness, bless her, did a podcast a few years ago on afterellen (before it got fuckawful and was with it’s original owners) and, i’d say ‘let slip’ but she knowingly dropped that truth bomb knowing full well she shouldn’t have. I love her. 

lately they’ve made brewster do “interviews” with some of those cbs affiliates where they try and get points??? for saying prentiss was gonna be gay??? like they’re not the ones removing the rep from the show??? and expecting a pat on the back for... refusing to have any kind of gay rep in a show that is by this point conspicuously straight (not that LA isn’t, but it’s not nearly as bad as cm). 

the whole mess with Gibson is... Wild b/c as much as i Loathe the dude he supposedly attacked cbs would not just fire their white guy show lead for no reason and i didn’t see any above the level sites claim any funny business there, but he got fired and cbs rang up Brewster and asked her to be the show lead which, honestly, after being fired for being old and irrelevant must have been AMAZING.

she also takes the time to point out to anybody who asks about her and aj being fired for money reasons that no, it was not about money at all. She basically calls her bosses out for being liars in public interviews frequently and it’s Amazing. 

i’m sure there’s more crap but i’m not recalling it rn

honestly cm bts drama is Wild and this doesn’t even get into the Patinkin drama (which while drama, is not actually anything to do with cbs). 

Interestingly enough, it’s super hard to find out all this stuff unless u were in the fandom the whole time because they’ve bloody lied So Much it’s all everyone even believes anymore. It’s disgusting. 

Still can’t believe  ncis:la’s female cast has done this well for so long???? These are just CM’s reciepts, they have a history of doing this stuff over and over on multiple shows, i know of it as far back as when trek tng was airing in the 80′s and can name more in between. 

[anicegaykid]

who dis?

#firstpost seems more daunting than it needs to be. Got myself all creative blocked up so here is a little diddy to get to know me better.. 

Are you named after anyone?

I am actually named after Jessica Wakefield from Sweet Valley High

When was the last time you cried?

tbh, I tend to flip from emotionless to SUPER emotional like 0-60. Sometimes no response, sometimes (like this afternoon) I see a beautiful pond surrounded in nature, being natural and beautiful, water sparkling in the sunshine and the tears just roll.

Do you have kids? If no, how many do you want?

No kids atm, but a couple kiddos would be nice in the near future

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

..like.. what.. ? am I just like a duplicate of me? Like am I the same person I am now and would I be friends with someone JUST like me? Or am I someone else? Who am I? Like, I enjoy spending time on my own? 

Bottom line, I like me. 

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

100%

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

eyes, smile, lips, face bone structure

What is your eye color?

blue, sometimes they get a little grey

Scary movie or happy endings?

BOTH. 

Favorite smells?

Citrus, patchouli, cut grass, peaches and strawberries

Do you have any special talents?

Talents include: fantastic with horses, very good dog mom, I can cook frozen pizzas to perfection -- if I don’t get distracted, designing queer tees, i can roll a pretty decent j, solid problem solver, got some wit and can be funny. 

Where were you born?

Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, Canada

What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in it?

Leo; I mean it IS surprisingly accurate like all the time. 

What are your hobbies?

I am kind of in between hobbies right now.. I dabble in some things. I go to the gym like more than average, but I would like to go more - said everyone ever. I’d like to hike more, camp more, build more things out of pallets, you know.. the usual

Do you have any siblings?

I have a 21 year old brother and a 14 year old sister.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Life is pretty great tbh, I’d like to continue being happy with my little fam

Who was your first best friend?

My first best friend would have to be my cousin, Brittany. Like a sister.

How tall are you?

5′6″

What is the least favourite thing about yourself?

I wish I was a lot better at expressing how I feel. 

Things that still bother me - my wife and I had a discussion about proposals and who would ask who. We landed on me asking her, which I did and am SO happy about, but the reason behind it being that I am so poor at expressing emotions that she was afraid it would affect her confidence in my response. 

For a first TMI moment of the blog, I have so much anxiety in my ability to express myself that I can’t even manage to make any “noise” during sex. Doesn’t even matter that I am my most comfortable self with her, STILL struggle. A work in progress for me I guess. 

Funniest moment throughout School?

There was a time when we were at a beach party when I was 17, the RCMP showed up to break it up and snag any and all intoxicated minors they could. The tide had recently come in, but where we were was a little dip in the side of the cliff so the path back to the road was water-covered. So someone peeks around the cliff to see the two Mounties wading through the water. This party crew are country-folk and are 100% ready for this situation with a wooden ladder that leads up the side of the cliff into a field close to where all the vehicles are parked. As party-goers are running through the field to cars, someone shouts, “PIT PARTY” and everyone heads towards the local Pit. Along the way someone with a truck steals a round bale from a field and uses it to create the BIGGEST bonfire I’ve ever seen. 

How many countries have you visited?

like ~10

What was your favourite/worst subject in High School?

I struggled with math but funny enough my career path has led me to a life in the casino so I do math daily and enjoy it very much!

My favourite courses in High School were Conservation and Agricultural Science. 

What is your Favourite drink? Animal? Perfume?

Coke Zero Cherry

Horse

Karma by Lush

What would you (or have you) name your children?

I really like Posy, Daisy, Freddie and Loren

What Sports do you play/Have you played?

I used to Figure Skate, Horseback Ride, Ringette

Who are some of your favourite YouTubers?

I’ve always been a Grace Helbig, Mamrie Hart, Hannah Hart fan

I like Phil DeFranco for news, Pewds for some lulz, love me some Tyler Oakley, Whitney Simmons and Chloe Ting to work the booty, Vox for learning, FunForLouis has some BEAUTIFUL imagery and plays to the traveler side of me and I recently discovered Will Smith’s channel and cannot get enough!

How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?

I have had an unsettling amount of bfs for a lesbian, but 2 of them really stand out as being genuinely decent guys and I would still hang out with, platonically, to this day.

I have had a grand total of 4 gfs, I married the fourth bc I got LUCKY AS HECK!

Favourite memory from childhood?

The day I got my first puppy.

One time I was gifted a horse for Christmas bc my Dad felt so bad that I had to have my first pony put down earlier that year. 

I also was old enough to remember both my siblings being born!

How would you describe your fashion sense?

tom boy hyper femme 

What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?)

iPhone6s

Tell us one of your bad habits!

I bite my nails and chew my cuticles

3 things that upset you?

inequality

excessive force

did I say inequality?

3 things that make you happy?

Olivia

My animals

family

How is your relationship with parents?

My Mom is one of my best friends in this world! My Dad is an odd case, he struggles with my sexuality, I understand that it is because of where and when he grew up, he is never outwardly rude or mean to me, he’s a quiet country guy, he was at our wedding, he gave me away with my Mom, he’s kind to Olivia, he’s kind to me, he doesn’t understand but recognizes that it is real. I love my Dad, I really do. I’m proud of my Mom for educating him and ensuring that he is present and polite. I get frustrated from time to time and I have cried a lot of tears about it. Our relationship can be strange but at the same time hasn’t changed. He’s been a great Dad and he’ll be a fantastic Grampy. I have to check myself because there are people who are much worse off than me. I get jealous of Olivia sometimes because her Dad is so sweet to her and treats me like a daughter so easily, but my Dad has never been the soft spoken lovey type. We’ve hugged twice in my life. One of them was when I was leaving for England with a one way ticket and no foreseeable return plans and one was when he was jokingly blocking my path and I used it as a disarming mechanism to scoot through. 

What’s on your mind?

All I can think about today is the fact that I became an aunt at 5AM this morning and I’m going to see his later this afternoon. I SO excited!

What’s your talent?

troubleshooting queen.

naturally creative to my own surprise.

One word that describes you?

patient

What’s your favourite quotes?

No Pride for some of us without liberation for all of us . Marsha P Johnson

We way too fly to partake in all this hate, we out here vibin’ . Ariana Grande

Any pets?

4 dogs:

Finnley - Great PyreneesXAustralian Shepard

Effie - Border CollieX

Shiro - DacshundXMiniature Australian Shepard

Moose - Great PyreneesXFinnley

2 Cats:

Priya - long haired tabby, kinda sorta Ragdoll’esque

Punkin - short haired orange tabby with a poofy tail

2 Beta Fishies:

King Push & Todd

What is the farthest you’ve been from home?

I lived in England for 2 years & travelled Europe for a month

Are you an extrovert or introvert?

I think TECHNICALLY an introvert?  I can be v extroverted but I really need time to recharge. Recharging for me is being home with my comforts. My wifey, doggos, snacks and Netflix.

Are you left or right handed?

Right hander

Do you consider yourself a good cook?

Like.. sort of? I don’t cook much but when I do I always surprise myself with how well I do lol

Does your name have a special meaning?

It means my Mother was 18 when she had me and REALLY liked Sweet Valley High

If money were no object what would you get for your next birthday?

2 weeks away from home/work, road trip to Halifax for the fertility clinic, get started on a baby and then fly off to one of those tropical cabins on the water. 

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

I would love to have a few homes! A winter getaway BC. A condo in Halifax, NS and a cute little hobby farm here in PEI in some rolling hills somewhere in between Kensington and Charlottetown. 

What’s your favourite thing to have for breakfast?

I love chocolate chip waffles/pancakes, French style pastry breakfast, and when I’m feeling fab, some eggs benny on smoked salmon with a couple mimosas on the side. 

What’s your favourite gadget?

I just got a Fitbit so thats been pretty exciting, aside from that, my phone is on me at like all times. 

What’s your longest relationship so far?

My current one. We’re about to hit 4 years together, married for a little over a month. 

[montpahrnah]

the lovely midwestern jess @mondriankite tagged me in this meme <3<3<3 answer 11 questions, come up with some of your own, then tag some people

1. what texts have been on your mind lately? (maybe it’s a line of poetry, a scene from a novel, a good article, a moment in fanfic, etc.)

for the last few days it’s been i don’t know if anyone else was feeling that / maybe that was just me / maybe that’s just the way i read it, from a billy collins poem i don’t remember. a friend of my mom’s gave me her collins anthologies, and i’m not a big fan but those lines struck me enough that they stuck.

also kelly link’s “some zombie contingency plans” and a lot of fanfic--i need to make another rec list in the next few months... and I promised to tell you how one falls in love, from The English Patient, because I was skimming it again, and because that line has always stuck with me

2. in terms of decorating, do you prefer spaces that are minimal or filled with bric-à-brac? 

i don’t love bric-a-brac/depends what it is but i’m great with clutter as long as it’s not ridiculous. i like spaces to feel lived-in and am not even mildly an organized person

3. what song (or songs) put a smile on your face when they come on the radio?

there are too many of these to list but in the last week or so i’ve heard “sympathy for the devil” on the radio three times and wonder if i should take this as a sign or something. the local college station plays “kiss me” probably every day and it’s so sappy but it always makes me smile.

4. describe your dream wardrobe 

i have a pair of skinny mid-rise levi’s i’ve had since i was like 19 and they’re paint-stained and wearing out at the knees but i’d kill/commit arson/sell my soul possibly for three pairs just like them. just generally i love skinny jeans with a plain camisole tucked in and boots, which you can wear with anything over it if you want. also dresses etc over plain t-shirts with leggings or tights, but that’s stuff i already have...

in terms of dreams that won’t come true i bought a halter bra from urban outfitters a year or so ago and it’s basically my life partner now, it’s unbelievably soft and feels like my boobs are being cradled by clouds but i cannot tell u all how deeply i regret not buying three of them when they had them in my size. also am currently considering dropping an inadvisable amount of money on a fisherman’s sweater i’ve been lusting after for months. i think my life would improve maybe 5% if i did.

5. generally-speaking, do you like going to parties? 

yes! especially when i’m not expected to do anything except maybe bring some alcohol because the last few times i’ve been asked to bake something no one has eaten it. but i like being with small groups/just one person best.

6. do you collect anything? 

i don’t, i’m way too messy for that even if i wanted to.

7. how do you feel about traveling alone? do you think you’d enjoy a trip abroad with only yourself for company? 

traveling alone is fine with me but i’d prefer to be with someone--i was telling jess and caitlin that i’ve never been on a proper road trip before and would love to take one but i’d definitely want to experience that with a friend or friends because it seems like a thing you just should, you know? like here’s you and here is this wide open enormity. unless it was a trip i felt i had to make on my own for reasons of ~personal edification/solitary self-reflection etc. but i’m not sure you can learn to be a better person by taking off for a couple of weeks, or that that’s even a good way of looking at it...

anyway i think i’d want to travel with someone else like this so i could see them experience it too, which seems like, the most extraordinary thing to me.

8. do you use/like cosmetics? if so, what are some of your favorite products? 

i am... not great with makeup and am v minimal when i do wear it. i quit even trying with foundation years ago and just use almay cc cream because it’s basically tinted moisturizer and i can put it on with my fingers like an animal. i like how eyeshadow looks but tbh i never learned to apply it and def wouldn’t have the patience now. sometimes i do wear eyeliner though.

BUT i like perfume! my fave for years has been burberry’s london, which smells like pure honeysuckle and spice and wears down to kind of a musky floral--it goes on strong but quiets down. also i think i’ve told tumblr about this but i like demeter’s perfumes, esp the weirder ones, but i use them more like air freshener--i always have a bottle of laundromat because it’s so comforting... it reminds me of when i moved out and started using a laundromat for the first time. i have a few others but the best is probably a bottle of shalimar someone gave me a few years ago which i like in the bottle but never wear.

9. which fictional character do you most heavily identify with, if any?

this is 300% sirius black for better and for worse, unfortunately. there are some others which have surprised me a bit but none as much as him.

10. do you think you have a good poker face or do your expressions tend to reveal your emotions? 

depends i guess? i can when i want/need to but if something takes me by surprise then no. i’ve also been told that i don’t, so there’s that.

11. as a kid, did you have any ‘big interests’ (dinosaurs, magic and/or magical creatures, space, etc.)

as a kid i had a weird love/hate relationship with aliens and REALLY wanted them to make contact/leave some crop circles near me but i was also inordinately concerned about like, hostile invasions... when i was in catholic preschool i got a talking-to for praying that the aliens wouldn’t kill us all when they came, and that we would instead be best buds. i always thought it would play a much bigger role in my life...

here are my 11 questions--i kept some of jess’s because hers are the best:

1) would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? 2) what songs/texts/films etc have been on your mind lately? 3) do you think you have a good poker face or do your expressions tend to reveal your emotions? 4) top 3 meals/comfort foods? 5) describe your dream wardrobe 6) do you remember your dreams? 7) is there a time in your life you wish you could re-live/re-do? 8) which fictional character do you most heavily identify with, if any? 9) do you write? what’s something you’re working on/want to be working on? 10) how do you feel about traveling alone? do you think you’d enjoy a trip abroad with only yourself for company? where do you most want to go? 11) what do you think about before you fall asleep?

tagging @yeats-infection @zeiat @sqvalors @crawledoutofthesea @finalsoul @huntswoman @csoru @radialarch @uglyflorals @bigblckdog @ebparentheses and anyone else who’d like to do it!! as ever no pressure etc etc

[sightofsea]

this is rly dumb and there is the HUGE chance im going to regret this but ok

basically when i was 15 i wrote an approx. 200k OC doctor who fanfiction featuring a kind of half self insert/half attempt to subvert mary sue comapnion stereotypes named jenna quigley. and ive been thinking about it more lately like the general storyline bc like. idk. n i figured i should write it out.

i should mention this is all 11th doctor era bc i was a huge fan at that time, and it takes place between that time he leaves amy n rory to when he does his farewell tour bc i wanted to try n add some canonical irony that ill get to later

so basically its all narrated from jenna pov as kind of stories she’s telling to the tardis database via recording. why, we don’t know yet. she;s. ok so in the plot she was from our universe n was an AVID fan of the show which like tacky i know but whatever. she starts out 15 and in basically my house and neighborhood (this fic started from a constant daydream i would have of going on adventures w the doctor bc i was a nerdy 15 yo so like. sue me) and there have been a disturbing amount of disappearances in the surrounding area that local police are stuck on. so everyones kinda afraid to go out into their own homes and at one point, jenna is doing something out in her backyard and actually witnesses one of the abductions, but is surprised to see the kidnapper looks like the silence, aka the television show shes been watching. she thinks shes going bonkers. her family leave her alone for the day to go to a thing for one of her siblings and she’s just kind of ruminating on this event when--lo and behold, an officer arrives at her door.

and jenna, she’s very skeptical about this guy. like, given recent events she doesnt trust her own eyes. and the guy is...off. like his badge n credentials, if she concentrates, looks like something else for a flash of a second, and for some reason the figure of him is kind of hazy whenever jenna tries to look directly at him. he is shown to have a quirky, friendly demeanor n jenna figures well, i gotta tell someone about what ive seen, so she invites him in. they have a brief chat n its obvious to the reader that this guy is someone VERY familiar (mostly due to my bad writing at the time) and jenna begins to explain what she saw and how its like this one show she watches, and this guy suddenly becomes very very interested in this before realizing he’s got it all pieced together and asks for jenna’s help in navigating the area to find what is, ultimately, a silence space ship.

jenna agrees and over time realizes this guy is most definitely connected to something in the whoniverse and originally believes he might be a time agent bc that seems more likely given their number as they travel to the ship. its also revealed that the officer has brought jenna along bc the key thing about what she saw is that she actually remembers the silence and can see past perception filters due to the qualities of alternate universe, slightly alternate brain chemistry and so on. its not exactly perfect--she can’t get through perception filters rly, especially good ones--but its enough to know something is wrong n remember certain things others from the dw universe might not be able to like the actual silence aliens themselves.

anyway they make their way to the ship, which has come through a massive tear in reality that the officer came through. in the fic lore i guess tears are seen as usually benign things meant to leak ideas of universes into other universes as a kind of waste disposal system, and as a side effect create inspiration in those who are close to them. this tear, though, became too big, kind of like a leaky pipe, and actual material was able to get through by keeping a frequency from both ends of the tear as a kind of safety rope. and to maintain their energy as a stranded ship the silence have been using humans as batteries. i put a lot of thought into this, i know.

SO once theyre in the ship the “”officer”” (we know who he is by now lets just face it) and jenna are captured n separated. jenna is held hostage and it is revealed she is a part of a second half of the “silence will fall when the question is asked” prophecy which goes “the unexpected shall follow the guided task” (i loved rhymes) which is further revealed to the be the following: change the timeline and destroy the doctor. and jenna, being jenna, is like “listen u guys i dont even know the guy so uh failed step one i guess”. she’s saved by the “”officer”” in the nick of time through work of faulty electrical work (like? i know its for style but the silence have all those lights on the floor n it is VERY dangerous) so the whole ship is blacked out n she hears the differently pitched speech patterns (”why do u sound all different” “they took my equipment nevermind lets go”) and after doing some work to reverse the frequency and basically make the ship implode back into its original universe they run back to jenna’s home in the dark, seeing as she was out for quite a bit. her family is conveniently not home yet n decided to hang out with some friends. and when she gets back n is finally in the light SURPRISE!!! turns out the officer was the doctor all along in disguise from the silence using a perception filter. 15 year old me was a literary genius.

n u might think hannah this is rly long is it done now and of course it isnt!! that was just the intro!! after the initial shock jenna kind of parses what era the doctor is from, which is pre-silencio but after finding out about it n in that 200 yr stretch that was never rly shown. and jenna’s like, a whole season ahead of him basically and knows all this stuff and is trying to engage with this guy she’s a huge fan of without like accidentally spilling the beans on his future. she sits him down to explain the whole tv show thing n lets him watch an episode while she goes to her room to pack like clothes n her laptop because its not every day the doctor just flies in and she’s 15 so shes like hellz yeah im gonna be a COMPANION not even THINKING of the consequences in terms of the multiverse, the prophecy and her family (she does leave a note but its self centered n kinda lame tbh just like be back whenever). afterwards she walks the doctor back to the tardis and is like so where we gonna go n the doctor looks at her like jenna you are a literal child im not taking you anywhere and jenna though some MASTERY of writing that was basically hey look over there! and doing it anyway sneaks into the tardis when the doctor isnt looking n becomes his stowaway.

for the next few weeks she just kind of chills in the tardis with this fear that the doctor will immediately bring her back home so might as well have fun and kinda sneaks around him and keeps couch hopping from room to room. the tardis does not like her one bit due to the whole different universe funky energies thing (and this was pre-clara and i really wanted to see a companion the tardis didnt like so) and has multiple conversations with it via the interface hologram which meant i could write cameos for classic companions and write the tardis as a character bc i was a nerd.

SO after weeks of casually avoiding the doctor eventually she gets caught by him and hes not happy about it so shes like well ok then send me home n then she gets the real kicker which is the tears all mended up. after the material was put back in place it went back to being benign n too small for anything to travel between. so jenna basically stuck in this foreign universe with a very slim chance of returning back to her old life and her family and friends and she mistakes the doctors anger at the situation for anger at her so shes like basically im all alone here oh god n has a crisis n has a dramatic run off into the bowels of the tardis hallways

eventually the doctor finds her and they bond over being kind of the last of their kind in a way and he takes a kind of fatherly role and is like well youre already here and im miserable on my own so why dont we two birds one stone it n just go on adventures for the time being and takes a kind of fatherly platonic role with jenna bc i was sick of seeing companions hook up with the doctor and was confused as to why they wanted to hook up with him (spoiler alert: huge lesbian)

so they set off on their adventures. the first one was about the doctor and jenna accidentally boarding a ship of genetically engineered soldiers called evos being shipped off to a galactic war and finding out some of them had rebelled and had been camping out in the ships underbelly. they had no mouths but were able to communicate via sign language n empath touch powers of transferable memories. the captain was a bitch who didnt see the evos as living things n eventually in a stand off either offered them a chance for the other, still podded evos to live and for them all to live a horrible life or have the podded evos be ejected into space in return for them to have a chance to fight for their freedom. the choice ended up coming down to jenna, somehow, i think, and she chose freedom and cost the lives of like 200 evos but were able to get the ones they were able to save (about, like, 100 i think) to safety and create their own civilization away from harm on a distant planet and their success and triumph to live their own lives i guess canceled out the fact that jenna played a part in the deaths of 200 beings. it was. i dont even know 

the next “episode” after a brief interlude of less impactful adventures and discussing mortality was a sherlock crossover episode that im too embarrassed to go into detail about but did reveal jenna’s newly formed abandonment issues due to her stranded in a strange universe situation and the fact she had a self harm problem that, surprise, mirrored mine. her n the doctor went on some more adventures over the next few months that were mentioned in passing. it should be noted that this first “act” i guess takes place over a solid year

the next episode featured river song bc i was gay for her without knowing it and i had just learned about easter island in history class and i decided to expand on one of the adventures said in passing during the series to kind of root my fic in canon bc i was a smarmy bitch. it involved being perceived as gods and the silence and using the flesh as a means of luring villagers to be used as human batteries and also putting a percetion filter on the ship so what was actually a crater was perceived to be a mountain. through this episode we saw the doctor again facing his own mortality, river sitting jenna down after a series of events pieced together her abandonment issues n harm problem n being like you cant rely on the doctor for this alone trust me i know its fun but when it starts ending it wont be. jenna gets kidnapped again by the silence n is reproduced as flesh to try and steer the doctor n river away from saving the day but overcomes that impulse and eventually pulls herself out of it and helps save things.

this episode also imports an important plot device of misplacement, which i shouldve put in earlier if im honest. the basic idea of it, within the fic lore, was that the universe, multiverse, whatever had to compensate for temporal displacement all the time when choices were made, but when big things that would alter history happened--like a giant supposed mountain blowing up 200 years after it had already blew up--it had a fail safe to transport the object causing the harm to the exact place but in a different time where the event would have less of a temporal impact. theres also an important note here where the doctor doesnt recall jenna being with him on their first adventure together. both are setting up the larger plot.

after the deal with the kidnapping and the flesh and all their adventures the doctor becomes kind of protective of jenna because i mean the dude also has abandonment issues like lets be real. so he kind of tones down the danger in fear of jenna dying or getting hurt. i mean, its been a year and theyve kind of become these friends who snark at each other like a family would and its nice that jenna has this person she can trust because she watched the show and like, knows him and knows his tells and calls him out on his bullshit before he can even get started and feels a kind of responsibility for due to the prophecy she was given and the doctor has someone to talk to and someone he also doesnt have to hide from really because she already knows almost everything. theyve been equally protective of each other--jenna keeping the doctor in the dark about the prophecy about her and keeping mum on the fact that she knows he isnt going to die, and the doctor worrying about jenna’s safety and trying not to screw her up like he has past companions to kind of try to atone for his past mistakes and make it up to this girl whose life he kind of unintentionally ruined. ok honestly idk why im getting in depth but i spent. years on this fic you dont understand

so. after a while jenna just kind of calls the doctor out like come on lets at least go somewhere fun and end up spending christmas eve in new york in the forties and befriend this newly single mother and jenna fakes a REALLY BAD accent to get across that her n the doctor are related n poor to gain sympathy. they do all the things she wants like times square and macy’s, where surprise! she sees amy n rory n their son and just kind of like. guides them away from the doctor like guys. this aint ur guy. and it would fuck EVERYTHING up also hi i know your guys’s entire life story, cute kid, etc. they give jenna some advice dealing w the doctor and she tells them that she’ll try her best to make sure he doesnt like, go self hating n all that bullshit n they part ways. her n the doctor meet up again and throughout this whole first part jenna’s been noticing people following her? with like, these weird orange-y eyes. and she thinks like fuck ok this’ll ruin the adventure, maybe theyll leave but they end up starting to go after her and reveal themselves to be a species called the visicheck

after escaping and dumpster diving because the visicheck hunt based on scent, jenna and the doctor start heading towards the single mother’s place for refuge (she had seen their situation n offered a place to spend christmas eve) and on the cab ride over the doctor explains that the visicheck r these ancestors of the family of blood, and basically are lifeless specks that latch onto living things and possess them until they burn them out and move onto the next one. they consume what is the basic energy a thing needs to exist and be alive, and for different species there’s different levels. lets say a dw universe human is ur basic ten on the scale. because of different circumstances in different universes, jenna is basically a 120 on the scale. like, these things could possess her body and use it for centuries to wreck havoc with the kind of energy she holds. and jenna, thinking about the prophecy of changing the timeline and also not wanting to basically be the living dead is like yeah ok fuck this is bad. 

they find some brief refuge in the single mothers apartment for a time and enjoy a lovely christmas eve dinner but eventually the visicheck catch up to them. the doctor escorts the single mother n her kid into a cab to get as far away as possible while jenna is just supposed to keep holed up in the apartment, but things arent so easy and they end up breaking in. she’s able to hit them over the head with a pan n kind of stave them off for a bit and heads for the roof, but is eventually backed into a circle. knowing the visichek can’t possess something that is dead and not wanting to potentially endanger the universe just to keep her life jenna jumps off the building in a dramatic fashion that i wrote to play with the carol of the bells because i thought it was cool, and you know what? it was. it really was.

and so jenna dies

at least for a bit

she wakes up in the tardis, rly confused because like, she died. like she knows she did. and the doctors not speaking n acting all broody and she finally gets the story out of him that after she died (posted as an anonymous person in the newspaper, i should note, and put in an unnamed grave to keep the whole “written in stone” thing in line) he kind of. went off on his own for a bit before rly hating himself for letting jenna die right in front of him and went back to catch and save her before she landed, therefore altering the events as it happened. and jenna is...not happy about this. like, one bit. because, in a twist of fate, because she is both living and dead the universe must compensate by going to misplacement, but jenna can’t fully complete the misplacement “”process”” i guess until she is in the exact location she is misplaced from, only different time and all, and in this case she’s in the tardis which almost always has its shields up, so she can’t even complete that bit. so, as explained, the universe will start the process over whenever the tardis decides to fly off again, and send jenna to a different time within the tardis’s general vicinity.

basically, she’s gonna be stuck hopping around the doctor’s timeline. like, all of it, until she finally meets up with the right doctor who knows her n has been past this point. which could take years for her. and, mind you, the task she was “assigned” in the prophecy was to change the timeline, and as a result destroy the doctor. so this is basically jenna’s worst nightmare, and she finally spills the beans about the prophecy in a fit of anger before trying to say goodbye and being whisked off

and this is where the angst stuff happens

basically, for the next year or so (when i rewrite in my head its two years, makes more sense) jenna is thrown around one end of the universe to the other, trying to stay out of the way of the doctor’s events while also trying to, you know, survive and eat and drink and sleep. she’s basically a homeless vagabond for most of it, and her abandonment issues and self harming kind of escalate. she begins leading a really lonely life, and grows this kind of love/hate relationship with the doctor where she really hopes to see him again but also grows bitter against him for putting him in this situation. she visits companions before their time with the doctor, like donna, by accident and stumbles through meeting them and trying to just keep going. in her loneliness she starts talking to a version of the doctor in her head, which starts taking more and more of a form to her before its a fully grown kind of hallucination she’s created out of loneliness (which was kind of based off of me being a lonely kid and having pretend conversations with characters to simulate human connection which is. sad. i know. really sad. its a lot). 

for a time jenna is stuck with the doctor and martha during the months leading up to human nature/the family of blood, and inadvertently meets martha and gets a job at the school as a fellow maid through helping martha drag the doctor to the place. she figures its the only stability she’ll have for a while and since she was never shown in the show it isnt rly affecting the most important bits of the timeline, and resolves to stay as far away from john smith as she can and just live out her life until the events of the episodes start happening and she’ll vamoose. she adopts an accent to blend in and when she has free time finds the stashed away tardis, which initially does not recognize jenna as a companion until finding archived recordings from the future bc duh its a time machine, which brings the whole pov thing full circle, and interacts with the interface to get answers about her growing questions about the silence and her situation and learns about a device called the cage, which has been alluded to in previous “episodes” only by name, as a great machine created by the silence that is meant to basically make it so that anything inside of it would be erased for existence, past present and future, using energy form the cracks in the universe. this was still at a point in the actual series where we knew nothing so i just kind of went buckwild.

anyways

jenna ends up having to interact with the tenth doctor as john smith once, and kind of aims all of her bitterness towards her future self at him and realizes that isnt fair, apologizes, and has a cathartic moment of finally moving past a grudge with the wrong version of the doctor. eventually the events of the episodes start happening and she vamooses before getting sent off to god knows where again, yippee

eventually through the next year jenna kind of begins to rly lose hope. like, it’s been a year already, she doesn’t know if she can keep living like this. so she makes a deal with herself to wait out until the end of this second year of time travelling vagabonding before she decides to off herself to save herself and the universe the trouble. 

she keeps going through the motions and actually stumbles upon a future, post-silencio doctor, with rory and amy in tow, and in a fit of like oh my god relief she kind of runs up to him and is like i found you, finally, holy shit n the doctor looks at her like im sorry but i dont...know you? like i genuinely dont know who you are. you might have ur timelines all switched up. and jenna knows this isnt true and freaks out and kind of just is like, theres like fifteen days until the deadline, all hope is lost, gonna just completely self destruct n cuts her hair and stops eating, but on the day of the actual deadline she keeps stalling as she zaps from place to place before finally deciding to end how it should end by jumping off a building n she has this heartfelt convo with this imaginary figure thats kept her company all this time

so she makes the journey up this apartment building in this basically abandoned future...chicago, i think? yeah. and you know, is about to do when whaddaya know, a familiar voice is calling out for her. she thinks its just the hallucination but eventually realizes that its actually the doctor, one that knows her, and they have this really heartfelt hug before she punches him square in the face

after the fact is a lot of secret keeping on jenna’s side. she doesnt want to be a burden and just kind of wants things to eventually get back to normal after a period of just resting finally and lies about her time being thrown around the doctors timeline, telling him it was only a few months instead of two years, and hiding the evidence of her self harm and other forms of self destruction to try and get things back to the way they were. the doctor can see through jenna’s bullshit though and over a month of just kind of chilling in the tardis and getting better she eventually tells him and after being pulled into an adventure with alien bees and a prison break and characters very much based off of the captor brothers from homestuck they kind of find their original rhythm

the next adventure was the one where i stopped writing mostly bc the plot absolutely sucked. it was a beach adventure episode, involving aliens and aliens who were mermaids and being stranded on a remote island. also, at the time i was going through a sexuality crisis and decided jenna was gonna go through it too and made her realize she was gay for one of the alien mermaids and totally made out with her. you can see how the plot was failing a bit, and the only thing i dont regret is the whole mermaid makeout thing really. 

the rest of the series from that point on was supposed to go something like this: jenna has to go back to her old high school, except in the dw universe, and finds out she actually doesn’t exist in this universe??? which is weird. the doctor plays teacher and they live in the prop attic of the school investigating a counselor that literally feeds off of emotions until the students are a husk and die. there was going to be a filler where the doctor and jenna start the doctors farewell tour (it is revealed when they finally find each other at the end of the timeline jumping debacle that the doctor has like two years left until silencio happens, with like a hundred years passing between new york n finding jenna) and the doctors mortality is discussed and jenna begins to wonder what happens to her since she isnt at the event or anything going forward, and begins to worry about the prophecy again.

the finale of jenna’s adventures was supposed to go like this: they end up tackling the silence again, only with the help of the cage, after jenna notices the doctor beginning to forget more and more things about her. they get captured and the silence plan to place the doctor in the cage and eradicate him from existence so that the question to be asked never existed to begin with. i hadnt figured out how yet, but basically jenna would finally click everything together and realize it was her destiny to do this, and even had a better chance since it eradicated her from this universe, and she still had a life in another one and could maybe start over and appreciate her family and friends a bit more, and would pull a switcheroo so that she would be put in the cage and slowly eradicated from existence. from that point the silence ship would kind of go haywire from the power being used by the cage and jenna would drag the incapicitated doctor back to the tardis and saying she has to go record something real quick, and then we dont hear from her again.

last scene would be of the doctor, years and years into the future, during one of his alone periods, sifting through the tardis database and happening upon the archived recording files and listening to them, not remembering exactly but living through these events with a person that was there but also never there to begin with, and the last recording being an actual face recording of jenna saying you know, she doesnt regret a minute of it, go out there and have a nice life and dont feel bad for her before saying goodbye and zapping out of existence.

last “scene” i guess would be a fifteen year old jenna, rather than the 18-19 year old we’ve come to know, waking up the day it all started and realizing she accidentally napped through the whole day when her parents wake her up. it seems apparent she doesn’t remember a thing, but her parents say something offhand that wouldve been a prolific line and she has a sense of deja vu and hints towards her someday maybe remembering but also having a chance to live a life without the trauma of her life lead in the other universe

+

so uh yeah. idk why i decided to write all of this. actually i do i have an essay i have to write but. idk this fic was a huge part of my life for like. a good amount of time and despite its tackiness im actually very proud of it and just wanted to share its story without having anyone ever have the link to it and read it because despite my careful planning i did narrate like a superwholock for most of it and it was REALLY annoyin. but this fic and the character of jenna actually helped me work through a lot of my own bullshit and im still kind of in love with it. and in the years to come actually m*ffat fucking used these plot points like the tardis hating the companion n the doctor forgetting about a companion like years after i wrote this shit but i think i wrapped up the cracks in the universe n silence thing pretty fucking well so uh. petition for fifteen year old me to rewrite the last half of season 6 i guess. anyway its 2 in the morning and i just wrote honest to god a full 5,000 words about my doctor who oc fanfiction so uh. yeah. fuck.