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graciereadshannigram · 6 months ago

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hey fam, welcome to the May 2024 roundup of the best hannigram fics i've read this past month! i read several million words worth of fics, and these were the cream of the crop. i also managed to rewatch the show for the fifth time!! (unemployment has its perks lmao)

as a reminder: the ingredients for a five star rating typically (but not always!!) include some combination of a.) believable characterizations of both Hannibal and Will, b.) compelling plot and/or character arcs, and c.) high quality smut.

that being said, my judgment of the aforementioned ingredients is powered almost exclusively by vibes. as such, it is incredibly subjective.

you can find past rec lists below:

February March April

and if you have any recs of your own for me, PLEASE SHARE.

anyway, in no particular order, let's go!

Overcoming by purefoysgirl

Word Count: 547.5k Summary: A Victorian A/B/O romance in which Hannibal Lecter is the future Duke of Westvale who has been away at war for the past ten years. His Grandfather has made good on a contract made shortly after Hannibal's birth to procure him a wife. It was supposed to be easy. Naturally, with the Omega, Will, given in the place of his twin sister, it is anything but, because if there is one thing Hannibal Lecter despises, it's Omegas.

This fic had me holding back tears when it ended (after sobbing a couple different times). This was... incredible. What a fucking UNDERTAKING this author committed to, and despite this being a doorstopper of a fic, the plot did not miss a single beat. Just... wow. For the love of god, please read this.

Falls the Shadow by littlesystems

Word Count: 72.4k Summary: "You're a psychiatrist," Will says. "Between your personal and professional lives you must have met thousands of people, you must know dozens of different flavors of pathology. Do you know anyone who would take me as I am? Who would be able to love me," he gestures in a sweeping motion, from his messy hair to his stained knee, "just as I am?" "I do." Bedelia's words shock Will into stillness. “Really?” AKA an AU where Bedelia is Will’s psychiatrist instead of Hannibal, Will makes a series of increasingly questionable life choices, and no one should ever take Bedelia’s advice. Ever.

GIMME MORE STARSSSSSSSS. Bedelia as Will's psychiatrist was brilliant, holy shit. And Will understanding Hannibal and completely accepting him? This is something I see so rarely done in fics. Will always makes him be a lot less manipulative, or at least goes through heavy angst over it. But in this? Will was immediately endeared because that's just who Hannibal is.

Bram Stoker's HANNIBAL by DBMars

Word Count: 586.7k Summary: Love Never Dies. "I have crossed oceans of time to find you." Hannibal + Bram Stoker's Dracula + the classic novel = a new version of the seductive vampire legend. Count Hannibal Lecter loses the thing most precious to him -- the love of his life. God is beyond measure in wanton malice, and matchless in his irony. And so Hannibal renounces God, and becomes an immortal monster that feeds on the blood of the living. 400 years after losing his beloved, Count Lecter meets a man who looks exactly like the husband he lost -- reborn and returned. But who could learn to love a monster?

@dbmars you are a fucking genius. I am honestly still processing and figuring out how to communicate just how amazing this fic was. Do yourself a favor and go read it NOW.

the book of jonah by zipegs

Word Count: 18.1k Summary: A sudden breath of hot wind presses through the trees. For a moment, it feels fresh, alive, and then the dust—the pollen—comes along with it, a parasite hitched on the back of the breeze. Will is ravenous. --- After the fall, Will and Hannibal sojourn in a remote, decrepit cabin in South America while they await Chiyoh’s return. But something here is afflicting them, and it’s only getting worse.

Okay, bear with me. THIS WAS FUCKING AMAZING. I haven't felt this way after consuming a piece of media since I watched Guillermo del Toro's The Autopsy episode. Psychological horror mixed with body horror mixed with smut??? I guess that does it for me. I literally can't stop thinking about this fic. It's been two weeks and I am STILL thinking about it.

Wrong by HotMolasses (@snazzymolasses here on tumblr)

Word Count: 4.2k Summary: Will roughly rubbed his arm across his mouth again, trying to rub it off. Rub off the scent of Alana, after they’d kissed. After she’d kissed him. Or he’d kissed her? It was mutual. Until it wasn’t. Until Will breathed in her scent, so familiar, so Alpha, so…wrong. He’d pulled back forcibly, unable to hide the expression of revulsion on his face. “I…I need to go.” he said, sweeping his coat off the back of a chair on his way towards the door. “Lock up when you leave.” The weather was crap, and it probably wasn’t smart to drive in the snow while he was in pre-heat, but Will didn’t know what else to do. He needed to figure this out, he needed to talk to the only person who understood him. He needed to talk to Hannibal.

So ummmmmmm what do I need to do to turn this into like a whole AU?? As always, this was a total home run. Every single bit of it was perfect.

as soft, as wide as air by BlackKnightSatellite

Word Count: 193.9k Summary: After surviving the fall, Will finds he has far fewer hesitations about joining Hannibal than he would have guessed. Character death, but not Will or Hannibal.

Well shit. I read this immediately after a full rewatch of the show (in four days no less) and THIS is my new season 4 canon. It's brilliant and actually reads like a proper season would. And I love how it gives all the characters a concluded story line. Aside from Will and Hannibal. I also loved how much this explored Will's instability and how his mental state would be affected after he finally slung off all the guilt and allowed himself to fully enjoy killing. All around very good.

The Dispersal Method by @victorineb

Word Count: 16.9k Summary: It’s a normal fall day in the forest for Will Graham. Dead body in front of him, cannibal psychiatrist behind him, the usual. Then Will brushes against the wrong flower, and suddenly neither he nor Hannibal can keep their hands off each other. Now, Will must navigate his way out of the crime scene and Jack’s scrutiny while also trying not to jump Hannibal’s bones at every opportunity. Well, one out of three ain’t bad. Set nebulously in s2, post-Will's release from the BSHCI. Will’s a conflicted honeypot, Hannibal’s a (not-so) secretly-besotted asshole, and nobody has brought enough lube.

THIS IS THE BEST SEX POLLEN I'VE EVER READ. Seriously. The BEST out of pretty much any fandom (at least so far).

Between the Shadow and the Soul by raiast

Word Count: 48.7k Summary: When Will decides to stop taking his suppressants neither he nor Hannibal can deny the attraction between them. After nearly a decade of running from his biology, Will is faced with his primitive Omega urges full force. As if navigating his hormones wasn't enough, there is a killer at large with a very specific motive that seems to only be targeting preteen boys.

This might be my new favorite ABO fic? And one of the better case fics out there.

Sleepover by EarthsickWithoutYou

Word Count: 70k Summary: Set in Season 1, after "Fromage." Will is still confused about his kiss with Alana and seeks romantic advice on how to date and be more "smooth" from Hannibal. Little does he know that Hannibal is madly, passionately obsessed with him, and desperately jealous. Needless to say, Dr. Lecter is all too happy to teach Will everything he knows about love and dating.

This was pretty fluffy, tender, and fun, and it was exactly what I needed after finishing a heavier fic

Alana Finds Out by @victorineb

Word Count: 32.1k Summary: A series of one-shots in which Alana Bloom discovers, in the midst of various tropes, that her boyfriend Hannibal Lecter's feelings for Will Graham run far deeper than friendship. Basically a chance for Alana to shout at the pair of emotionally-repressed idiots whilst still indulging in much Hannigram loveliness.

Oh I loved all of this. This scratched that itch in my brain that loves when Alana realizes that Hannibal has wanted Will all along. And some of these one-shots are genuinely hysterical. Love.

Doctor's Orders by JSinister32

Word Count: 29.2k Summary: “He’s dead on his feet, Jack. I do not understand how you allowed him to come when he’s so obviously ill. There have been too many hours in service of your needs, so many that it seems to have affected any sleep that he may have gotten over the past few weeks. From what you and I have discussed, he has a difficult time shutting his mind down under the best of circumstances and this case today has clearly gotten to him.” The doctor stepped closer to the profiler, peering into his eyes as Will tried to focus. “Will? Can you hear me?” Will Graham has never been particularly good at taking care of himself. When he comes down with a severe cold while working on a string of murders, the new psychiatrist on retainer, Doctor Hannibal Lecter, offers to care for him. Will he be able to keep his feelings in check while Hannibal is in his home? Hannibal Lecter can't get the profiler working for the Violent Crimes unit out of his mind. When given the opportunity to care for him when he's ill, will his feelings for the other man come to light?

TENDER. I want like 70k more words of this. Especially Hannibal putting Jack in his place. Especially Hannibal washing Will's hair. Mmm. There's just something so good about Will letting Hannibal take care of him.

The First Condition of Immortality is Death by OneHandedBooks

Word Count: 92.5k Summary: Hannibal’s heart stopped for the first time after he’d dragged himself and Will out of the frigid ocean onto the rocky shore at the bottom of the bluff.

Oh this was GOOD. Very tender, good characterizations, and loved how Will's hallucinations were portrayed. This was just all a really good exploration of how their relationship could have progressed. This author also is incredibly good at showing the scenes in a way that I could watch them unfold in my head. This felt like a crystal clear movie.

What Do The Dead Know? by OneHandedBooks

Word Count: 7.6k Summary: He looks up at her, haloed by the sun. She could be anyone. No one. St. Abigail, patron of lilies and last chances. AU: What if Will joined Hannibal willingly after the Uffizi Gallery and they shared a few tense weeks in the world before Mason's men finally ran them down? In which Will writes, hallucinates, and succumbs to the dark side and Hannibal is a manipulative, brainwashing, bastard.

cw: Abigail/Will. But does it really count if it's a dream sequence? Regardless, this was something else, off the charts, big fan. The author NAILED the hallucinatory vibe that made this entire fic work so so well. Also, just Will working through his grief for Abigail this way made it that much more intense.

chimera of the chapel by bleakmidwinter

Word Count: 211.5k Summary: When Will Graham wakes up from a coma three months after the fall, Jack reveals that Hannibal Lecter didn't survive. Outside the realm of Hannibal's influence, Will decides to discover the full truth behind the world's sudden and seeming falsehood. Everybody seems to hold their own opinion on Hannibal's fate, but Will knows better than anyone that trust and honesty are as elusive as death.

The "presumed dead" trope might just be my new obsession. I adored this fic so much, the plot was incredible, the development of their relationship was spot on, and there were just some very tender moments.

wear my silence like a mask by bleakmidwinter

Word Count: 32.k Summary: After running into Hannibal at a Bass Pro Shop, Will is invited to a Masquerade Ball at his estate. Jack encourages him to attend for an opportunity to catch the Ripper. Extenuating circumstances tempt Will down an even graver path; Romance with the Ripper.

Three words: masked anonymous sex. That's all.

The Voices and the Shadows by darlinghogwarts, MaddyHughes

Word Count: 114.6k Summary: “The Chesapeake Ripper? The serial killer? That's a grisly thing to find at the bottom of a drink. Most people say oblivion ...or possibly sex.” Hannibal sips his wine again. “Why are you thinking about a murderer on your birthday, Will? Is it part of your degree?” “He is a part of my degree by my own choice. My supervisor didn’t approve, but…” He sighs. “I insisted.” AU where Will—a Masters student studying the Chesapeake Ripper—gets drunk on his birthday and meets an intriguing man at the bar.

Man, I wish I had had Hannibal as my thesis supervisor in grad school, hot damn. (Mine was pretty much too busy to help with anything, ended up doing it all myself – would not recommend.) This was was damn near perfect. I needed some good old fashioned angst. With a good and fluffy ending. This was a good AU!

Chasing Thoroughbreds by HigherMagic

Word Count: 42.8k Summary: After the fall, Chiyoh rescues Will and Hannibal and takes them to the Lecter home in Lithuania. When Hannibal wakes up, his memories of everything - Will, being the Ripper, everything since Mischa's death - are gone. Will's only problem with that is that killing Hannibal won't be nearly as satisfying if he doesn't understand why. Wrestling with his own feelings, or what's left in the tattered mess of them after the fight with Dolarhyde, Will stays, hoping that Hannibal will recover and give him the opportunity he's waiting for. But there are others who remember what Hannibal did, all those years ago, and they have their own bone to pick.

Ugh pretty sure I love almost everything HigherMagic writes and this did not disappoint. This was fantastic. I was absolutely captivated by Will's development through this and Hannibal was just as good.

Volto Larva by TreacleA

Word Count: 39k Summary: Will is having trouble unwinding after work. Hannibal helpfully suggests somewhere that may assist with that, with absolutely no ulterior motive whatsoever.

So ummmm I'm still blushing (in the best way) over parts of this fic because FUCK this is scorching. Anyway. That's all I've got to say LOL.

#hannigram #hannigram recs #hannigram fics #fic recs #hannibal #hannibal lecter #will graham #murder husbands #mads mikkelsen #hugh dancy #nbc hannibal #hannibal tv show #hannibal nbc #fannibals #dracula au #bram stoker's hannibal #overcoming fic #gracie reads hannigram

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disco-elysium-via-polls · 9 months ago

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I arbitrarily decide to examine the post box again on the way back.

MAIL COLLECTION BOX - The dented yellow mailbox greets you with it's graffito and bullet holes in the front.

"Good mail delivery box." (Pat the box.)

"Fuck you, mail delivery box!" (Kick it.)

[Leave.]

MAIL COLLECTION BOX - The box seems happy.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy: Success] - "Eat shit, pig!", "FUCKED BY THE CUNN" and "Saint-G" with a crown have been scribbled on it. "Jennie is a WHORE" and "*Baise cette* mailbox!" also.

I feel you, mail collection box.

Been there, *Poste L'Aventurier* mail collection box... been there.

Mail collection box, you should man the fuck up.

MAIL COLLECTION BOX - The mail collection box seems cathartic, thankful even. So do you. You shudder. Then you swallow.

+1 Morale

The sea breeze carries more than salt: meat. Not rotten, not fresh; grilled.

🎵 Rue de Saint-Ghislane 32B

Waves crashing in the darkness.

Someone has torn down the wall.

BOOK "SIXTEEN DAYS OF COLDEST APRIL"

The cover features a row of concrete buildings with a monochrome rainbow in the sky. It tells a rather excruciating story about two lovers during a period of ethnic unrest in Yugo-Graad. The book has been filed under psychological realism.

Could be useful if we ever need to pass time. Otherwise, I don't see us getting much out of this one.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Master Investigator! You just can't keep yourself away from locked and hidden places, can you?

What do you mean?

It is my duty as a cop to investigate every square inch of this world.

Hey! I am not some sort of a... peeper.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Nothing. Nothing! You're right -- get in there... deep. Invade every personal space, break every lock...

I'm just browsing...

It is my duty as a cop to investigate every square inch of this world.

Hey! I am not some sort of a... peeper.

SAVOIR FAIRE - Attaboy! The world's secrets were made for you. They wait patiently for you to uncover them...

Thought gained: The Jamrock Shuffle

THE JAMROCK SHUFFLE

Temporary research bonus: -1 Esprit de Corps: Confusing behaviour Research time: 1h 5m

By now it’s clear you like to look inside containers. You like to open doors and see what’s behind them. Maybe secrets? Maybe... more juicy containers? Let’s be honest, you like *all* containers. Trash cans, utensil trays, manholes, coat pockets, secret containers left behind by the Filippian kings that hold forbidden relics. Okay, you haven’t come across one of those yet, but *one day*... Wait. Is that why you’re so hellbent on opening containers? Do you think you’ll find the Holy Scepter and the Orbe de Montagne?

Lot of loose change in this cabinet.

A blister pack of medicine peeks out of the box. You should take it!

It's Hypnogamma, which gives us three charges to Morale. Not useful to us right now.

Someone's also left change in their shoes.

Hmm... these shoes come in three different sizes.

This cabinet contains even more Magnesium and... some alcohol.

ALCOHOL "COMMODORE RED"

A large crimson bottle of cheap sugary wine. Made of poverty, sugar, artificial taste enhancers -- and a vague memory of grapes. Guaranteed to colour your lips.

Moss crawls on these bathroom tiles... actual moss.

*Kuuno de Ruyter* is the name on unfinished homework.

Three things occur to Harry at once out here.

Complete silence. Whoever lives here isn't home.

...I think that one was meant to trigger earlier.

You hear distant traffic. Night is falling on the city.

A maroon glow of light pollution rises from the east.

The curtains shift. Just a little. Someone is watching from within.

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "Gendarmerie! You found me." The young man on the balcony gives you a bright smile, before taking another drag from his cigarette.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - His slender figure is backlit by city lights, its distant streets and motorways flashing like diamonds...

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] - It feels like a Friday. He seems to be in a good mood tonight.

"We got your hint. Found the key right under that stone."

[Leave.]

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "Beautiful," he replies, smiling. As he looks at you, something sparkles in his eyes.

"So tell me, are you here to make things *right* again?"

"That's what I'm aiming for, yes."

"Honestly I'm just trying to not screw anything up."

"I'm not going to make things just *right*, I'm going to make them *spectacular*."

(Ignore his question.) "I was hoping to talk to a possible witness. Your balcony overlooks the murder scene."

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "Beautiful," he says again. A nearby street lamp casts shadows on his chin, drawing out the slender cheekbones.

"I have some good news for you. My Sunday friend is visiting me tonight. I told him about you and he'd like to say hello. Step in, he's already waiting." He nods towards door #28.

"By the way, I'm really digging the view here." (Point to the city skyline.)

"Is it Friday tonight? It feels like Friday."

"Why would I want to meet your friend?"

"Very well, I'll talk to him, but first I want to talk to *you*. I have so many questions." (Proceed.)

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "Mhmh, that's why I chose this place." He looks away, his cigarette end glowing in the dark. "Martinaise is special, isn't it?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "Wait, suddenly you're *digging* things?" the lieutenant whispers to you, shaking his head.

2. "Is it Friday tonight? It feels like Friday."

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "Yeah, it does feel like the end of the week. Such gentle weather..."

"Even the rain feels nice." He leans over the railing and sticks out his hand to feel the rain.

3. "Why would I want to meet your friend?"

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "Trust me, you do."

4. "Very well, I'll talk to him, but first I want to talk to *you*. I have so many questions." (Proceed.)

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "That's nice, but I don't have anything to tell you. It's my friend you're looking for, not me."

He takes another drag of his unfiltered cigarette and looks around. It's getting dark and the neighbouring windows have lit up one by one.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Medium: Success] - Downstairs a cat crosses the yard, disappearing into the bush.

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "Besides, I've got to run."

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success] - He's going to leave you alone again. That's sad.

COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] - Something tells you you're never going to talk to an individual this cool or mysterious ever again.

"Run where?"

"But I just *found* you again!"

"Go, if you must, I don't care. I don't care about people leaving me all the time."

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "Just look at it..." He gestures towards distant motorways, all leading to golden La Delta. "It's a beautiful night. Who's going to stay in on a night like this?"

"Only if you promise that we'll talk again. It's *important*."

"Alright, go then."

KIM KITSURAGI - Something flutters in the corner of the lieutenant's mouth as you're saying those words.

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] - It's laughter!

SMOKER ON THE BALCONY - "We'll talk," the smoker assures you, brushing his hand through the hair. "Just not tonight."

"Take care, alright?" he says with another disarming smile, before slipping off into the night.

Task complete: The smoker on the balcony

+70 XP

Level up!

New task: Interview the Sunday friend

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - And he's gone again. Looks like it's becoming a theme for him.

"He's always leaving... Why is he always leaving, Kim?"

"There's something so *different* about him that I just can't put my finger on…"

"Let's go, Kim. We have to interview his Sunday friend." [Leave.]

KIM KITSURAGI - "Who knows, detective? It's a... mystery," he says, turning his face away from you.

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] - There, he's laughing again!

2. "There's something so *different* about him that I just can't put my finger on…"

KIM KITSURAGI - "Different, of course."

#disco elysium #kuuno de ruyter #kim kitsuragi #smoker on the balcony #harrier du bois

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shyanshippingsociety · 1 year ago

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Shyan Shipping Society Fic Promo - February 2023 to April 2023

last post

hey everyone! a long overdue post, but i’m happy to bring you all the fics written in the shyan shipping society from february to april! there’s a lot, so strap in and get ready to read some incredible fic!

february

Haunting Hometowns by ÉcrivainFantôme | E, 45K, complete

“Just keep reading,” she says. Her face is undecipherable, so he continues. As soon as he reaches his band’s name drop in the article, his eyes shoot back up to hers. There’s a certain sparkle in her eye. “You haven’t gotten to the best part yet.”

“Did he – Did he call me Dave Grohl and then immediately shit on my music? I think I have emotional whiplash from this. I have so many questions.”

***

Ryan is the frontman of the popular band ‘Ryan and the Phantoms’.

'Hunters and Gatherers’ is Shane’s one-man indie band from Illinois.

Their paths cross while out on tour.

The key to your heart by tasty_littl_snack | T, 2K, complete

Shane arrives to the office at his usual time but sees that his seat is already taken.

There’s someone there, who is similar to him, who’s wearing identical clothes as him, and looks up from the screen when Shane enters.

What the hell?

Ryan is the one who comes in right after and looks at both of them.

“No.”

“Yes, Ryan. It seems like I’ve been cloned.” Says the one sitting in his chair, and both Shanes’ look at each other.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation by ÉcrivainFantôme | E, 25K, complete

Fr. Ryan Bergara lives a simple life as leader of his parish, involved in his community as an upstanding member. He's a believer through and through. Shane Madej is a recent transplant to his neighborhood, and despite being a skeptic atheist, they strike up an unlikely friendship.

But -

Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? Proverbs 6:28

Stim Boys Drabble Collection by Gilded_Quill | T, 20K, on-going

A collection of one-shots and drabbles based on a list of Autism-Centric Writing Prompts.

Featuring Stimming, Special Interests, Hyperfixations, Meltdowns, and two boys navigating the highs and lows of neurodiversity. Each chapter will be a stand-alone, and their relationship status won’t be consistent throughout. Nor will the timeline be.

March

All the Stars and Planets Aligned by ÉcrivainFantôme | E, 19K, complete

“Do you trust me?” Ryan asks after a moment. “Yeah,” Shane answers, without hesitation. “I mean, of course I do. I have no survival instincts.”

Every now and again, all of the planets and the stars feel like they’ve aligned so that certain things can occur. It can make you feel like you've won the lottery. Especially when you have, in Ryan and Shane's case, literally won the lottery.

Hell and High Water by ouijaboy | T, 9K, on-going

“I’m telling you, there’s something evil downstairs.”

“And I’m telling you that there’s something disgustingly holy upstairs,” Shane retorts, “but what else is new? It’s been years, Ryan. I really do think they’ve forgotten about us.”

When Steven Lim moves his restaurant into a strange industrial block, all manner of prophecies and switcheroos start creeping into the forefront. Luckily, Steven’s managed to team up with an angel and demon duo… And they might even be halfway capable at saving the world. (Hopefully without bickering each other to death.)

A Good Omens AU. In progress.

The Call of the Forest by ÉcrivainFantôme | E, 25K, complete

If you’d have asked Shane five years ago what his five-year plan was, he’d have had a very different answer to the one he's living now. Today, Shane starts his first summer as a fire lookout in California. He's miles and miles away from civilization, and the closest person to his lookout tower is a strange man who keeps asking him questions about Bigfoot.

But, like The Rolling Stones say, "You can't always get what you want", but Shane sure hopes he'll get what he needs.

Third time's the charm by tasty_littl_snack | G, 400, complete

They're at the Winchester again and Shane wonders if it's the last time (but knowing Ryan probably not).

The Young and the Hopeless by mccxxvi | E, 54K, complete

He lifted the towel to wipe his small mirror, when he saw it. There was writing on the mirror, a single word wiped into the condensation, written with a finger, a set of tidy, straight letters.

Alexander.

Ryan almost screamed. The ghost wanted Ryan to find his murderer and bring him to the light. Alexander must have been whoever murdered him. Ryan sighed, resigned to be the detective responsible for it.

“Fine, I’ll find this Alexander you want. But I don’t know what to do afterwards,” he said to his empty room.

A 1960s Professor!Shane/PhDstudent!Ryan gothic novel flavored AU fic, because i know a market gap when i see one.

A mystery by tasty_littl_snack | G, 400, complete

You’re looking at Ryan’s face and you know that you love him. You know that you’re ready to spend many more years next to him in empty houses where nothing happens.

Dance With Me, Dancing King by TallNeckClimber27 | E, 11K, complete

I'm kinda faded but I feel alright Thinking about making my move tonight I can't pretend that you're only my friend When you're holding my body tight - Faded - SoulDecision

The Priest and The Gardener by TallNeckClimber27 | M, 48K, complete

A priest and the church gardener are friends. One is devout and the other hates to enter the church. Nightmares and rough weather bring them even closer, but for the priest there's always that line the Church has drawn and the vows he has taken. How far is he willing to go to be happy?

April

What’s all the buzz? by Luxra | NR, 9K, complete

Fresh out of college, Ryan Bergara finds the prospects of working in an office uninspiring. He sets out to find a place for himself and on his way he meets someone, what does Ryan’s life have in store?

courtship for dummies by icantturnthisthingoff | E, 18K, complete

“I have a question to ask, how well do you know Lord Shane Madej?” Steven asks.

Ryan has a think. “Not very well truthfully, we have only really met in passing. Why do you ask?”

“Because he has announced his intention to court you.” Steven reveals.

an a/b/o nobility au that nobody asked for.

6H0ST Air by ÉcrivainFantôme | E, 79K, complete

The year is 1993 and Ryan Bergara runs a semi-popular underground radio show for "6H0ST Air" under the pseudonym 'The Revenant'. Each week, he regales his listeners with unsolved crime stories and supernatural disturbances, asking them for their own theories and stories that they can post on his forum.

Soon, another poster starts populating his forum - a person by the name of $K3PT1C who enjoys poking holes in everyone's theories.

The show will be forever changed when the two decide to team up to discuss and research, using a more... hands-on approach.

I'm the weird you're the wonderful by tasty_littl_snack | G, 500, complete

This show back then felt like something they can do beyond ghost hunting and telling each other stories. Maybe something stable to do in the future, just him showing Ryan the weird of the world (because Ryan himself embodies the wonderful part).

Lighthouse Dreams by TallNeckClimber27 | E, 9K, complete

Shane wants to be Ryan's daddy.

it's all the brain chemicals (something called love) by Cancer | G, 3K, complete

"The ‘I have been living eating your liver’ also does not sit well with Shane. So, he starts asking questions. “Alright, mister liver eater, what do you want with little old me? How can I help you find your way back home?” The creature slithers through the inside of his body, and it’s one of the strangest sensations Shane’s ever experienced. He realizes later that it’s almost like the alien is laughing. «There is no going back home, Shane. We came to stay. You are my home now.» Shane blushes, sue him, it may be the most romantic thing he’s ever heard, nevermind been told."

the venom au that turned out to be more comfort talking about food than anything else. oops.

dust in the wind by idkspookystuff | E, 3K, complete

Shane’s relentlessly horny, and apparently he’s horny for Ryan.

He wasn’t this horny last night, as far as Ryan knows. In fact, he’s never seen Shane like this. What about being in a creepy, dusty park made Ryan suddenly irresistible?

Dusty? Ryan gasps. “The baby making dust!”

on a ghost files shoot, shane and ryan get cursed by sex pollen

if you want to read some more fics, you can always check out our ao3 collection! see you soon! ♡

#mod ve #shyan shipping society #fic promo #shyan #skeptic believer #watcher after dark #buzzfeed unclean #buzzfeed after dark

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ultraericthered · 1 year ago

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Anime Update V2 63

Vinland Saga S2 - Everything that happened to Thorfinn back in the first season finally gets addressed and brought up to Einar, who is understanding but direct with his friend and gives him some words of advice. Thorfinn's newfound humility and steady growth as a person is really reflected here. But then when Einar and Thorfinn find their wheat field has been completely razed, rendering all that hard, long work they put in meaningless, Einar flies into a fury and is quick to assume the farmhands who look down upon them were the culprits. When happening to run into the farmhands that night, Einar's rage forces Thorfinn's hand and he finds himself right back in the realm of violence and bloodshed he'd wanted to leave behind. At the end, his nightmare seems to be coming true: he's falling into Hell once more.

Hunter x Hunter - Gon fights Knuckles while Killua fights Shoot. At this point this plotline has wore out its welcome for me and I just want to move on already. Which we thankfully might be able to do soon since back at the hive, the King is about to hatch prematurely!

Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works - Got some Caster focus at this time as she recalls how she'd initially been summoned for the Holy Grail War by a different mage who ran his own lab that extracted mana and thought he could treat her like garbage even though her magic control exceeded his own. She immolated him to death but got injured by a hit on her from Assassin that Kirei had arranged. She was saved by Kuzuki, who became her new Master. In the present day, Illya's manor is breached by Shinji and Gilgamesh, who uses his Noble Phantasm to kill Illya's homunculus maids. An enraged Illya calls upon Berserker to crush the intruders! It is ON!

Re:ZERO - Very scary and distressing shit in this season's eleventh episode! Beako reveals for just how long she'd been awaiting Subaru to arrive in this world and that she wants him to kill her so that she doesn't have to keep living a slave to her Tome with her spirit tethered to the library. Elsa attacks once again and we meet her co-conspirator, a child from the village named Meili who's a Mabeast controller and wants to kill Subaru and all her fellow villagers (which suggests she was behind the events of Arc 2). Beako gets killed by Elsa and dies in Subaru's arms, using Frederika's crystal to send him back to the Sanctuary, where he finds Emilia has gone mad from the trial's failure and is half possessed by Satella. Roswaal shows just how evil he really is by skewering Garfiel and Ram, and revealing himself to be in possession of the second Tome and that he has been aware of Subaru's Return By Death looping this entire time. And then the goddamn Great Rabbit attacks, kills Roswaal, and nearly kills Subaru again. Subaru dies from all his wounds in the arms of the envious witch, awaiting when it's his time to start over again. Damn.

Symphogear AXZ - I really didn't want to ever have this experience with this anime, but this one pushed it for me; I had to stop watching an episode and not finish it. And I was liking what I was getting up to that point - more cool moments from best girls Kirika and Shirabe, more HibiMiku tenderness, getting to meet the cold and cruel Fudou Kazanari in person, even a posthumous guest appearance by Dr. Ver, which at first I wasn't sure I was going to like but the man is so damn bombastic that he won me over in seconds. But the entire subplot of Maria and Elfnein delving deep into Maria's mind and memories culminated in something that's not just reminiscent of how badly GX botched the arc with Hibiki's father, but reminiscent of that fucking episode of Your Lie In April. Yeah, it pulled the exact same "whitewashing of child abuse" bullshit, insultingly having Maria realize that the physical abuse, experiments, and emotional torment Dr. Nastassja put her and other children through to shape them into child soldiers for a terrorist group wasn't really bad not only because "Mom" felt bad about doing it, but because raising her in a harsh environment made her stronger, ensured she was toughened up and fully ripened and not soft and are you fucking with me right now, Symphogear? Just like with Hibiki's dad, there was a conclusion the character should've been drawing here, one that would've much more interesting and appropriately nuanced and fair to Nastassja's character while still condemning her actions, yet the character is written like a dumbass who takes away the absolute wrong lesson and we're supposed to just be fine with that. Fuck off with that garbage, Symphogear! I expect better from you and am immensely disappointed, my enthusiasm for the rest of this season diminished.

Eureka Seven - Wait, it's fucking recap episode? With not just Renton recapping things but Stoner and Dominic??? Consider me immensely disappointed in you this week too, Eureka Seven!

#Anime Update #Anime Update V2

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 2 years ago

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I posted 1,562 times in 2022

That's 113 more posts than 2021!

985 posts created (63%)

577 posts reblogged (37%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@tellthemeerkatsitsfine

@running-in-the-dark

@properverse

@lastweeksshirttonight

@gotta-get-back-to-hatchetfield

I tagged 39 of my posts in 2022

#youtube - 24 posts

#tw: alcohol - 10 posts

#tw: death - 3 posts

#i normally don't reblog posts unless i have something to add to them - 1 post

#but this is incredibly fucking funny and nothing i say will make it funnier - 1 post

#i just want to reblog it so more people see the funny post - 1 post

#god i know so many people like this and the parody is excellent - 1 post

#tw: alcohol mention - 1 post

#it's clear that i'm joking about all of this right? - 1 post

#i do not know what has ever happened in jason manford's personal life but i'm pretty sure its trajectory was not altered by fanfiction - 1 post

Longest Tag: 134 characters

#i do not know what has ever happened in jason manford's personal life but i'm pretty sure its trajectory was not altered by fanfiction

My Top Posts in 2022:

Holy shit. Where are the baby comedians going to go now as a stepping stone between the stand-up circuit and the rest of TV? (That’s sort of a joke, but seriously, I feel like the stepping stone is an important part of the landscape.)

43 notes - Posted August 2, 2022

One thing I enjoy about Britcom Tumblr is there are a few blogs that are just dedicated to people’s obsession with Tim Key, and they all reblog the same posts from each other. Every once in a while I’ll open this website and my feed will be flooded with pictures and videos of Tim Key in different situations. I see Tim Key doing livestreams, Tim Key at sports games, Tim Key in obscure sitcoms, Tim Key from like 2006 at a comedy club. It just means the Tim Key blogs have decided to be active today, I guess it’s Tim Key Monday.

To be clear, I’m being completely sincere when I say I enjoy this. Tim Key Mondays are a lovely perk of this site.

45 notes - Posted August 15, 2022

“Prince Philip died, which is a tragedy if you don’t know a single thing about him.” – John Oliver, April 2021

“Obviously, we need to start with the UK, which is clearly still reeling from the shocking death of a 96-year-old woman from natural causes.” – John Oliver, September 2022

46 notes - Posted September 11, 2022

You know when you’re just minding your own business, watching a TV show that features people you’re expecting to see, and suddenly a guest appearance comes out of nowhere and just punches you in the face because you had no idea that person would show up?

Well I’ve just been minding my own business watching Josh Widdicombe’s sitcom, and guess who’s just walked into the episode as Ellis James’ cousin?

You’ve seen moustache-ed Mike Wozniak. You’ve seen those weird rare pictures and that one episode of Man Down with clean-shaved Mike Wozniak. But have you seen... Mike Wozniak with full facial hair? Because I fucking hadn’t, until I was physically assaulted by this guest appearance.

101 notes - Posted March 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See the full post

147 notes - Posted October 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#The number of tagged posts seemed high until I remembered posts with a YouTube video in them get automatically tagged as “YouTube”#The percentage of reblogs seemed high as well until I remembered how often I reblog from myself #Love the way my longest tag looks out of context #Though actually it doesn't make a lot more sense in context #Given that I had more in-person life stuff going on in 2022 I feel like that post count should have been down from last year #I don't use Spotify or other social media so this is my only yearly wrapup #Sorry I used to spell your name wrong Elis

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satans-codpiece · 11 months ago

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I was not expecting EY epilogue to be so short or come out so quickly and neither was I prepared for it. Tbh you should rename it to "How to fuck up an audience in 600 words or less" because HOLY SHIT. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty™ but did you really have to go this hard??? The 2 being all cutesy romantic on a cruise with a burning harbour literally in front of them???? THAT RAM SET ON FIRE????? The tea vendor?????? READER FEELING GUILTY AND RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DESTRUCTION????????

And then you have the nerve to answer that other anon's ask about Ram saying I love you with "haha no he loves you but he has too many issues to admit it out loud" ONLY to then turn out the next day and use it HERE of all places is. God. You bastard-

Oh shit uh.... I kind of realized I don't really have anything laying around in the horny Ram art department (that isn't a total disaster or way, WAYYYY too self-indulgent) sooo.... may I offer you a WIP in these trying times??? Entirely SFW but I feel like it's plenty horny still, just in a different way ;) (Link in another ask again. Btw, you can post the WIP publicly if you feel like the Ramattra nation should see it. I still have no goddamn idea if I should try to revive my abandoned art blog or start a new one or if I should even commit to posting semi-regularly in the first place why are my feelings so fucking complicated on something so basic-)

OH I FEEL YA MAN, same story here, don't care about the game I care about the universe, except I left the franchise entirely ages ago only for Blizz to be like "hey you liked Zen right? Here's his hot angsty younger brother" and I'm like FFFFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffuck you Blizzard, and fuck me for falling for that eye and brain candy...

Heard about that "sometime in 2024" release date, THAT AIN'T IT MATEY, could be in December for all we know, I NEED it sooner- But hey, I guess Blizz's laziness means the fans can go wild???

And oooooh you say shit like this keeps you active? Guess I gotta bother you some more then :P Also NEEEEEY you an SSS+ tier writer the heckle you talking about-

HAHAH YEAH FKDJSG So my original draft of it was actually even darker, with more of Reader "waking up" on being released from their room, then spiraling and feeling guilty and only being maintained by the feeling that they have to keep Ramattra in check. So, I think this one's a bit kinder in that Reader's still feeling guilty, but it's easier for them to push away the darkness.

fjdhsgks listen! Again! My original epilogue was darker (I think I didn't have him use it, but I also don't think Reader prompted him to say it?) And to be fair it's more that he has too many issues in that moment at the end of Ch5... and he's kind of settling into accept that you do love him and want ("want") to be there with him by the epilogue... so he can choke it out sometimes.

PLEAES STTART AN ART BLOG???? HES SO FUCKING GORGEOUS???

Like, yeah idk, it certainly is... difficult to know how to engage with fandom. More than a few times I've wondered if just being in a small, dedicated discord would be a better choice (but then I'm awful at engaging with people directly, so I tend to lurk in discord servers...)

Hah, see, I completely missed Ramattra's release. I played a little bit at OW2's release, so a bit into season 1, then I just stopped playing. I don't think it was intentional quitting. But I somehow completely missed Ramattra's entire existence until I randomly started playing Overwatch again in March/April (I don't even remember why? I think the Minecraft server I was playing revealed itself to be run by morons and I was looking for a game to spend most of my time and just ended up back with Overwatch).

Only to, bam, load into a game with someone playing him and for me to immediately go "oh my god" (and also he gave me headpats and i...... I wonder if that person has any clue what they've done. but then I think most Ram players who give headpats are also Ram Enjoyers.)

LISTEN.... I DONT EVEN BELIEVE ITLL BE 2024 BC BLIZZARD BUT I HAVE TO PRETEND......

gjkhgsd You know that um. that chart that depicts "art quality vs perceived art quality over time"? to show how artists' perception of their work changes as they develop it? I feel like I'm permanently stuck in a "I'm sure my work is fine given the time I've spent working on it as a craft, but it still doesn't look/behave in the way I want it to." groove for like. at least a year.

The last time I genuinely 100% liked something I wrote was uhhhh probably in Februaryish with an unpublished DBD!Wesker/Reader WIP. (The WIP title is Boon: Wesker's Worms LOL)

#kat answers

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gayelectro · 4 months ago

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Here's some shit from someone who's fed up of seeing the same myths, lies, and misconceptions around T. (BASED OFF OF MY EXPERIENCE IN THE UNITED STATES, IN A RED STATE.)

1. For fuck's sake, injections are not "better" than gel. Gel is different than injections, yes. But this idea that gel has slower changes or is inherently a worse method is just blatantly wrong. Gel might not be for you. Hell, gel wasn't for me! But my God, stop acting like your personal preferences are universal or backed up by anything empirical. I could go on and on explaining the differences between the methods, but I just want to get across that there isn't some "less gooder" way to take testosterone. There's just methods that may work for your body and lifestyle choices and methods that don't.

2. Changes from T don't "plateau" at two years. Think about it, just for a second. We call HRT a second puberty, right? What kid goes completely and utterly through puberty in two years? None. HRT is going to be the same. And setting the marker for changes so early into taking HRT is just plain ridiculous. A lot changes very quickly on testosterone, but at average t levels, my voice is still dropping lower, I'm growing hair in new places, and my face is aligning more and more with my dad's genetics. I started HRT on April Fools, 2022, do the math if you want. You ask anybody who's been on HRT for decades, there's a reason why they stay on it, and it's more than just the reversal of what they got. The changes continue. 3 years in, 5 years in, 10 years in, hormones change your body continuously. There's not some finish line. You can choose to start and stop for any personal reason, but I do believe that spreading the notion that two years in is as good as it gets is down right malicious.

3. It is not normal or okay to have to endure invasive, sexual questions by a doctor or therapist. No. Find an informed consent provider. I know that's harder in red states (I'm in a state where currently not even Planned Parenthood does HRT), but I'm telling you, you don't have to accept being treated like some sort of circus animal. Especially with telehealth becoming more widespread, you have other options. These lines of questioning are outdated and have been outdated in the US for a long time. And honestly, if you do get these nasty questions, it's perfectly okay for you to decline to answer them and report them for misconduct. You being trans/gnc is not some open door for professionals to ask you questions that would constitute sexual harassment in any other context. Questions such as "what kind of underwear do you wear", "how do you masturbate", "what position do you take with sexual partners", are wildly out of line, always.

4. There is more than one kind of testosterone. I don't even know exactly why this misconception floats around the way it does, this is one simple Google search away. People seem to think that testosterone cypionate is the only kind? I'm personally on enanthate. Maybe there's even more kinds, I dunno, but insisting that cypionate is the only option is incorrect. Ask an actual doctor about the differences because I'm no scientist.

5. Any universal statement about HRT should be taken with a huge grain of salt, honestly. Like, what happens to you still partially will be down to genetics. You can be a late bloomer, even on an average dose. You might not get X change, but you'll get other stuff. It all comes down to natural variances in humanity; not every cis man is the same, you shouldn't expect hegemony out of anybody and everybody who takes testosterone either. For a lot of stuff (if possible), you should look at your genetic father and grandfathers on both sides. They're kinda the blueprint.

That's just what comes to mind at the moment. Just... Holy crap, some of y'all spread bad advice and say it with such confidence and authority!

Seeing misinformation on testostrone based HRT being spread around

#pentaphobia #long post //

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mxttellion · 2 years ago

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Your recent post has made me curious about your experience. I was an onlooker/lurker to Eddsworld until late March/Early April.

Man. Where do I even begin, genuinely

guess you can call this The Not So Extensive Neb Eddsworld Lore because. I have a LOT to talk about. It's been almost a decade I've seen pretty much everything despite having joined in like. Late 2013

I discovered Eddsworld back in 2012 via Flipnote Hatena (fly high sweet angel), and I never actually actively cared about the series until September 2013, when I decided to give the series a shot after snobbing it for so long: and lol I'm obsessed

Also since I'm funny as all hell I'm gonna address to different eras of my experience with the characters I was obsessed with at the moment

This is what I call my Tom Era: I wasn't on any actual social media yet, except for Sudomemo and DeviantArt, where I had multiple rps with people and got scolded by someone's sister over roleplaying (ya that happened and it's still funny as hell)

Jump to uh. Late 2014 - 2015 when I actually join Tumblr with my main (the ogs will know <3) and that's when I actually started being active in the fanbase and produce content, this is the uh. Matt and Eduardo era? Sure why not. I made a lot of content of them and I don't like talking about this moment bc of personal trauma sorry lol <3

The sasquatch drama happened in this fragment of time, and some might even remember that I've talked about it in this blog at some point

Anyway it's the pre The End - Legacy era, the fandom was really small and everyone pretty much knew the other for better or for worse

Oh I had a Matt ask blog. Don't look for it or I'll get you and I'll bite you

I got a Flipnote I made in 2015 reblogged by Tomska and I felt like my life was complete, and a fanart liked by Kreid (poweredd animator in case u forgot)

Shit happens and now we're in 2016, the fandom explodes, i have no FUCKING idea was was going on at first but man. Man if it wasn't kind of funny to watch

Anyway it's important to also note that I uh. Don't. Really remember a lot from 2016-2017, no idea why, maybe it's just my brain going full on traumatic amnesia mode and deleting everything. But also this post is wayy too long on its own so I'll cut it short

I made that one magical au? I was an emotionally charged undiagnosed teenager so maybe being so active on the internet wasn't a great idea, I got teased by a "cringe art" account for my au who got BLASTED within an hour of existing, I made the Salty AU in 2018 with the ask blog, joined Amino which was just. The worst idea I had in that year alone, joined the official server in 2019 only to leave everything related to eddsworld behind in 2020 because holy shit what was that ... Also there's an high change that Matt has seen my au but I talked about this already.

Then came back in 2021 and the rest is history. Matt Mod, Patryck hyperfixation, yeah you know it

I cut it VERY short bc there's. A lot I don't wanna talk about (just. Personal unpleasant experiences) but man. Man if I don't sound like a mad man talking about this, like dude I've spend sooo much time in the fanbase and I've seen sooo much shit going on, it's like as if I'm talking to a therapist about this or something

#ta dah. just another long post on mxttellion dot com whats new #i really tried to be brief here honestly #rxplies #out of ew #pxrsonal #txt pxst

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well-its-not-human-anymore · 3 years ago

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So this is a personal one for me to ask and if you're not comfortable with it don't mind it; how would the tmnt boys (seperate) react when the reader confesses that they're autistic after the boys got curious when she had some peculiar, behavior or stims. The reader would be stressed, because she has a crush on the tmnt boy in question and she didn't want them to find her weird or just stop interacting with her. When she's met with confusion instead, because the boys never heard of it, cue this weird conversation where reader tells them to the best of her ability what it is and the boys just keep asking questions. Also some general headcannons with it maybe?

Okay so I'm actually really happy that you asked me this because I feel like ASD isn't portrayed a lot in any type of media. My ADD and ASD have a lot of overlap so I hope I can capture what you're asking of me!

Now let's get into it!

TMNT Headcanons

The boys reacting to an autistic reader

Leonardo

he wasn't really sure what was happening the first time you reacted

one minute you were standing next to him doing dishes and the next you were attempting to claw your skin off like an angry cat

Leo tried not to look annoyed as he watched you rub your hands against your shirt until your flesh started to turn red

you looked like you were crying but he knew you weren't

but your face was starting to turn purple and your cheeks were puffy from the effort of holding your breath

"Y/N? You need to breathe."

You shot a glare at him, scathing eyes meeting his now very concerned expression

your own softened and you clutched your arms to your chest, heaving oxygen into your lungs until your face became a normal shade again

"Are you okay?"

The words were stuck in your throat and you weren't sure if you should nod or shake your head

so you gave him a half-hearted shrug

he frowned back at you but turned to finish the dishes on his own

when he questioned you about it later he couldn't help but be curious

"Well actually it's uh- it's kinda a sensory type of thing? There are certain textures that I can't stand touching do I avoid them but if I come into contact by accident my brain just kinda explodes and I shut down."

"How exactly does that work though?"

"I don't really understand it much but like- you know that feeling you get when you think there's a bug on you and there's not but it really really feels like it?"

He nodded

"Yeah, it feels like that. And anytime I touch something that triggers that reaction it takes FOREVER to get the feeling off my skin. That's why I usually wear gloves when I do dishes. Guess I just forgot to grab 'em today."

He was sympathetic

and god, you were so embarrassed

lucky for you, Leo's not an asshole

"Well thank you for explaining it to me, you really freaked me out earlier. I'll talk to April and see if we can keep a pair or two at the lair just in case you forget again."

Consider your heart melted

you couldn't even find the words to thank him and holy shit was your face red

"Hey y/n?"

"Yeah Leo?"

"Why didn't you ever tell me- us that you were autistic?"

Did you rip the band aid off now or make something up? Which would ,technically speaking, be less catastrophic in the long run?

"I uh- I really like you and I really didn't want you or the other's to look at me differently..."

wow, you liked him? miss ma'am you have saved this boy a world of anxiety and damn does he thank you for it

"Thanks for telling me... and y/n? I really like you to."

Awh fuck yeah, best possible execution of band aid-ripping-off ever

Donatello

Donnie wished he could act surprised when you finally told him

he really wanted to, it would've made you feel better for sure

but he sucked at lying and he didn't want to make you feel like he thought you were an idiot

because that was so far from the truth

after going through extensive research on Mikey's behalf when he suspected he had ADHD Donnie had stumbled across many different websites that discussed the symptoms and overlaps between both disorders

to make a long story short, Donnie knew that you had ASD and he was waiting for you to tell him

it would probably come off as rude if he brought it up in conversation right?

he didn't want to risk it

but that didn't stop him from keeping an eye on you and your behaviors

he was a man of science, of course he was going to analyze you

not in a weird way or anything, just as a curious sort of precaution

but the longer you were involved in the turtle's lives the more noticeable your stims and meltdowns got, Donnie did his best to cover for you without making you suspicious of him

eventually he'd come up with something that he hoped would come across as a friendly gesture and wouldn't set you off or scare you away

it was game night at the lair and you, as always, were perched on the arm of the sofa, a large grin plastered on your face

inside your head was exploding but you were masking it pretty well if you do say so yourself

but Donnie was, well... donnie was donnie

so when he noticed you starting to rock a little more visibly he removed his attention from commentating the game and grabbed a pair of headphones from the side table

you were beyond confused when he passed them to you but your face revealed everything

"They're noise cancelling, try them on."

holy shit it was like putting your head underwater, everything was muffled

not in the way normal headphones did, you quite literally couldn't hear anything at all, just a calm amount of nothing

you nearly started crying when you realized that Donnie had figured you out on his own

but you'd never been more relieved about anything in your life

Raphael

he wouldn't admit that he was mesmerized by your presence

you practically radiated calm

his complete opposite

it was his favorite thing about you, because despite your quiet disposition and calming aura you weren't afraid to call him out or rebut any of his insults

this was not something you expected him to appreciate nor was it something you thought would make you catch feelings

but damn if you didn't

he'd been sitting in on yours and Donnie's little experiment for an hour or so now, watching you both exchange quiet whispers and inside jokes that you always seemed to lag on

then you slipped up

not bad, nothing detrimental to the project, just the same mistake that you'd already made ten times over

you might as well have exploded

"Y'N, you just have to move thi-"

"I KNOW DONATELLO. I FUCKING KNOW AND I JUST CAN'T DO THIS BULLSHIT!"

you set everything down gently enough to avoid breaking it before turning and storming out of the lab, waving your hands like they were on fire

Raph and Donnie exchanged a look that sent the larger red turtle following after you

when you calmed yourself down enough to talk you kept your gaze locked on the wall, explaining that you couldn't make eye contact when you were upset

he might not be the smartest brother, but Raph's no dummy, he put those pieces together pretty quickly after you told him that one small detail

he wasn't upset that you didn't tell him and you'd personally never been more relieved

your heart nearly splattered into the stratosphere when you finally gace him your own explanation

"yeah, I like ya too."

you grinned so wide you were sure your face would split open and your entire body rocked side to side with excitement

he thought that was pretty adorable too

And he did stick around to offer a bit of support when you apologized to Donnie for screaming at him

Michaelangelo

to be frank it probably shouldn't have taken so long for Mikey to realize that you were autistic

the similarities between your own personality and his ADHD were so in sight it was near painful

it was his turn to make dinner that night and you'd made sure that you came over early to help him set up, you knew how side-tracked he'd get and you were the poster child for solid routine

what more perfect matchup existed?

trick question, there isn't one

you were on one side of the counter cutting vegetables and he was on the other throwing said vegetables into the mixing pot

the music was at an ungodly level of loud so your only means of communication were screaming over it

"MIKEY."

"WHA?"

"YOU GOT THE-"

"YEAH."

"AND THE-"

"UH HUH."

"COOL, HAVE YOU SEEN THE-"

"TONGS? NO, THE SKEWERS. YEAH, THEY'RE IN THE OTHER DRAWER."

"THANKS."

the two of you went about your previous tasks, thinking nothing of the conversation that had just taken place

at least until you'd begun washing your knife and cutting board

that's when Casey walked in, looking both perturbed and annoyed at the same time

"Alright, which one of you knows telepathy?"

Mikey exchanged a glance with you and you returned it with a raised eyebrow

"The hell you mean brah?"

he looked at the both of you like you were the ones that had grown four extra heads before speaking again

"You literally just had a conversation with like five words and somehow just knew what the other meant? What's up with that?"

you glanced at Mikey again

"Holy shit, did we?"

"I mean, not really. You used your hands."

now all three of you were confused but it quickly became two when Casey shook his head in defeat and left the room

"You know I think he's right."

he blinked first and your staring contest ended

"But you used your hands-"

"I got autism Mikey, one does not simply not use their hands as forms of speech."

"You're-"

"Yep."

was the silence laughing at you? could it do that? it was kinda rude

"Huh, that actually makes sense, that's not mean is it?"

you shook your head no

"You're just me but fast."

Mikey agreed with that, pestered you with a few more questions, and went back about working, as did you, you saw no reason to address it further

but your cheeks burned red

"Yo- Y/N that actually explains why everyone else thinks we're a thing."

you didn't know if you could choke on air or not but you did it anyways

"Are we?"

he gave you his signature grin

"If we are then Raph owes April a hundred bucks."

you returned his smile

"Oh this oughta be good."

I'd like to preface this by apologizing for my near three week absence. Life got crazy and my writer's block hopped on a train, went through a school zone, killed seven pedestrians, and committed tax fraud before tumbling off a cliff never to be seen again.

But on the bright side- I got my SAT scores back and started some scholarship applications. Super happy with that. School's out in a few weeks so I'll be able to write more (hopefully).

Anyways, I hope I got this one down okay. I may have hyper analyzed the request so I might be a little off. But I really enjoyed doing this one and I hope you like it!

-Mars 🌠

#tmnt bayverse #tmnt headcanons #tmnt x reader #askbox #ask response #writing requests #writing blog #writersblock #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt leonardo #tmnt 2014 #tmnt 2016

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1dmonthlyficroundup · 4 years ago

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1D Monthly Fic Roundup

Hi, and welcome to the 1D Monthly Fic Roundup for April 2021! Below the cut you’ll find 17 One Direction fics that were all published this month in the order they were submitted to the blog. We hope you’ll check out these new fics! If you would like to submit your own fic, please check this post on how to submit or visit our blog @1dmonthlyficroundup.

To Begin Again by @chloehl10 / lovelarry10

[Harry/Louis, 23k, Teen and Up, tumblr post]

“I, uh, I’m really sorry for yelling at you like I did.”

“Hey, I deserved it and more. I’m lucky you didn’t come and deck me on the nose,” Louis said, holding his hands up as if to surrender. “Seriously, you went lightly on me. If a crazy dog was leaping around me and my kids, I’d have lost my shit long before you did, and it would have been a lot more sweary than yours as well.”

Harry laughed at that, quite liking the man now he was getting to know him. This Louis seemed to have a good sense of humour, and his dog was fairly likeable too, laying there sound asleep, sunbathing.

“Well, I don’t usually lose my temper, so I just wanted to apologise.”

“It’s me who needs to say sorry. My stupid dog ate their bloody eggs, and on Easter Sunday at that. It’s a good job we don’t go to church, Cliff, or we’d both be going straight to hell. Nice ears, by the way. I meant to say earlier.”

*＊✿❀○❀✿＊*

Harry’s ready to spend a fun Easter morning with his two children at the park, but it’s thrown into chaos when an over-excited dog and his owner come barrelling into their lives…

A Small Matter (A Matter of Trust) by @kingsofeverything

[Harry/Louis, 18k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Harry knows he and his Grindr hookup would be perfect together, if only he could convince him to give a relationship a chance.

Or Harry has a thing for jock straps. Louis likes to wear them.

Are you proud of me? by @sadaveniren

[Harry/Louis, 2k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Louis was completely naked, except for a silk scarf that Harry had never seen before. It was tied around his neck like a bow. His lithe body was cast in dramatic shadows as he descended the stairs and all Harry could think was holy shit, mine, mine, mine.

“Well this is a shame. I was hoping you’d keep the boa.”

Harry blinked in surprise at his voice. He was too caught up in his perfection. “What?”

“I guess the leather will do. I do love you dressed in leather.”

aka I show up 2 weeks late with Grammy Fic

Right Back Home to You by @behindmeday

[Harry/Nick Grimshaw, 4k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

It wasn’t the first time Harry and Nick were cut off before they really got started talking. In fact, it seemed to be happening more often than not. Nick had an insane schedule that no rational person would choose, but Harry’s was even worse. Between the early mornings on The Breakfast Show and the never-ending time zone changes of tour, it seemed that Harry and Nick weren’t really meant to have any real conversations these days.

Or, Harry writes Nick a song.

take my hand (my whole life too) by @beckydoesthings / beckywritesthings

[Harry/Louis, 44k, Explicit, tumblr post]

“You’re famous?” he asks, deciding to dive straight into the heart of the issue.

Harry winces, dropping his gaze to the table. “Erm… famous is one word for it.”

Well, that’s reassuring. Louis raises an eyebrow until Harry heaves a sigh and continues.

“How much do you know about the British monarchy?”

His stomach drops to the floor in a heartbeat, jaw following suit. There’s no way that what Harry’s insinuating is possible. But as the time ticks by, there’s no change in the deadly serious expression on Harry’s face, fingers twitching steadily on the table as he waits for Louis’ answer.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Or a Crazy Rich Asians AU with a royal twist where Harry is a prince, Louis is most definitely not, and there’s a royal wedding to attend.

Forever Is In Your Eyes by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed / we_are_the_same

[Harry/Louis, 126k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

Harry looks fragile in the moonlight, and Louis stands there, pondering, not even sure what it is that he’s thinking of. It’s all just noise in his head, a mix of melancholy and desire, of longing for something that he doesn’t even have a name for.

He wants-

He wants love. He wants to be held and cherished and have a home. Not just a place to lay his head down at night. He wants to be loved the way that Louis had loved creating Harry. He wants his perfect man, but he wants him to be real. He wants Harry to be real-

His lips press against marble, against something cold and unforgiving, and it’s not until his hand comes up to rest against a sculpted neck that his eyes fly open and he stumbles backwards, nearly falling off the stepladder that he’d stood on.

“Jesus Christ.” He whispers, shaking his head and resisting the urge to brush the back of his hand against his lips, erase evidence that isn’t even visible to the naked eye. Harry stands there, as though nothing’s changed, and of course he does, because he’s a statue.

A statue that Louis has just kissed.

Stuck in an eternal spring by @chrysopon / flamboyo

[Louis/Zayn, 4k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

Louis is about to go crazy in the silent solitude of London’s lockdown. The only breach into the grey monotony of his days is the hope of catching a glimpse of the dark-haired guy who lives in the building across the street. One night they have their night cigarette together while both in their flats, twenty meters and an empty, quiet street between them. It becomes a habit, but maybe there’s hope for it to become something more.

It’s Been So Long by @elsi-bee / elsi_bee

[Harry/Louis, 31k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

Harry Styles’ first crush was one of his sister’s best friends, a certain someone named Louis Tomlinson. And Louis? He just vaguely remembers Gemma’s younger brother from back in the day.

A lot can change in ten years.

Featuring Niall and Liam as Harry’s friends, flirting, fluff, and flashbacks to the awkward days of high school.

This Dream Lost by @zanniscaramouche / zanni_scaramouche

[Liam/Louis/Harry, 5k, Mature, tumblr post]

It’s a dangerous game to play his Alpha like this, and it gives Harry a thrill through his spine he’s not sure he likes. It’ll be worth it, but he doubts he’ll be pulling any surprises on Louis for a while after this. He can’t fucking stand it as is and it’s not even really for Louis, it’s for Liam.

Mercy by @zanniscaramouche / zanni_scaramouche

[Niall/Shawn Mendes, 5k, Explicit, tumblr post]

“I-” Shawn licks his lips, eyes bright and wide with the shock.

Balls in his court now. He could refuse, step away from the line they’re toeing and laugh it off. But he doesn’t, just like Niall knew he wouldn’t. Because Shawn wants this. They both do, and that’s what makes it so fucking insane.

Blind Faith by @2tiedships2

[Harry/Louis, 18k, Mature, tumblr post]

“Harry?” Liam prompted.

“I’m blind,” Harry eventually said, trying his best to keep himself from crying.

Liam was silent for a few moments, before responding, “That’s not exactly news, H. You were blind when I met you a year and a half ago. Have you been in denial this whole time or something?”

“No, Liam,” Harry cut in. “This is different. I’m not legally blind like I used to say. It’s not just my night vision. The tunnel from my tunnel vision has closed. I’m fucking blind! I moved halfway around the world in the hope of finding my soulmate and it’s obviously not happening now. Not even a soulmate is going to want to put up with a blind alpha.“

The Journal by @wait4ever / RecycledStardust & @evilovesyou / 4ureyesonly28

[Louis/Harry, 14k, General, tumblr post]

When Harry finds himself purchasing an antique journal in the ancient bookshop of a town he’s never heard of, he doesn’t exactly want to admit that he has no idea how he got there. A myriad of odd coincidences and a few kind smiles from the shopkeeper have the two of them working hard to solve the mystery of this strange journal that seems to have been waiting for Harry for almost a hundred and thirty years.

But I’m the Quarterback by @evilovesyou / 4ureyesonly28

[Harry/Louis, 52k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Harry Styles is the quarterback of Sunny High’s football team, dating the beautiful head cheerleader, and determined to enter his senior year with focus and discipline. That is, until a strange man shows up at his home, makes his girlfriend break up with him, and convinces his parents to send him off to a “reparative therapy camp” over the summer.

At True Directions, Harry meets four other boys and five girls, all there to be cured of their homosexuality. He has to find a way out of this place as soon as possible—Christ, he isn’t even gay!

Know a Trick or Two by @sadaveniren

[Harry/Louis, 45k, Explicit, tumblr post]

The night before Louis is scheduled for a Portkey to begin training with the Vratsa Vultures in Bulgaria he heads into Muggle London for one last night of fun. A few months later he finds out he’s having a child.

Eleven years ago Harry had a one night stand and now there’s a strange man on his doorstep telling him his daughter is something called a wizard and she’s got a place at the British wizarding school Hogwarts.

Aka the one where Muggle Harry and Wizard Louis have a one night stand and get more than they bargained out of it.

Until That Day by @kingsofeverything

[Harry/Louis, 44k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Harry Styles is days away from walking down the aisle when his previous failed weddings are turned into a public spectacle by jaded London journalist Louis Tomlinson. Hoping to witness Harry leave another groom at the altar, Louis heads to Holmes Chapel, where nothing goes as planned, and he finds himself falling for the serial heartbreaker.

A Runaway Bride movie AU

Caught In Your Gravity by @lululawrence

[Harry/Louis, 63k, Not Rated, tumblr post]

It felt like the blood froze in Harry’s veins even as he got a bit lightheaded. He hadn’t even made it two practices, only one of which he was remotely in charge of, without giving it all away and now he and Liam were both absolutely fucked.

“Shit,” Harry breathed out. “Who all have you told? Does everyone know? I thought I covered it better than that…”

“No, no,” Louis said quickly. “They’ll figure it out soon enough, though, because they’ll get used to you changing things up, but you’re only going to trip over your so called Americanisms for so long before they realize it’s because you don’t actually know fuck all about football.”

Harry sighed. “Yeah. I figured. I just need to bullshit for long enough to allow Liam to get the situation figured out from his end.”

“Right, which brings me to my entire point. I think we can find a mutually beneficial arrangement with all of this.” Louis leaned forward. “You need to learn the ins and outs of the sport incredibly fast. I can help you with that.”

“What do you want in exchange?”

Or, an AU inspired by a 30 second trailer of Ted Lasso that doesn’t actually have much in common with the show at all.

Passing By by @larryyouknow

[Harry/Louis, 48k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Sometimes, people are in each other’s lives just for the briefest of moments. They meet and then go their separate ways because being vulnerable is scary and it might be easier to not let anybody else in. But some people aren’t meant to be just passing by. Maybe when they open their eyes, they can learn things about themselves they haven’t known before. If they let their hearts speak they will find a way to be together.

Or the one where Harry doesn’t even know he’s into guys until he meets Louis on a boat trip. There’s something more to their friendship but it ain’t gonna be smooth sailing.

#28th appreciation #tracksintheam #1dsource #trackinghome #april 2021 #april masterpost #sorry if you got notified for the first post #tumblr destroyed it and it had to be redone

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mymanreedus · 3 years ago

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Kicking Back with Norman Reedus

The actor reflects on his starring role in one of the past decade’s most iconic TV series

By Justin Heckert, April/May 2022 Garden and Gun

There are memorable protagonists in postapocalyptic fiction, but few have the legacy or longevity of Daryl Dixon. After eleven seasons of AMC’s The Walking Dead, the character, with his crossbow and eagle eye, has become a hero in one of the most popular TV shows in history, brought to life with Norman Reedus’s effective glower and soft-spoken care. The Florida-born actor, fifty-three, now splits his time between New York City and Palmetto, Georgia, near where the series was filmed. Also a photographer and a motorcycle enthusiast, Reedus has his own AMC series about bikes, Ride with Norman Reedus, on which he takes celebrity friends like Robert Rodriguez and Josh Brolin on two-wheeled excursions all over the world. And while The Walking Dead just wrapped filming the last season of its epic run, Reedus is still revving up—his first novel, The Ravaged, comes out in April, followed later this spring by his new whiskey, Big Bald Head. Daryl Dixon is also getting a spin-off show. And Daryl’s iconic vest, soiled by the woods and years of zombie blood, complete with crossbow, is in the Smithsonian.

What’s life in Palmetto like?

I have a house that’s in the country, down a long dirt road. Everyone waves to me. I wave to them. If my package ends up at a house down the street, it’s not an inconvenience to go say hello and get it. I have an old Camaro that I drive around here. Or I get on a bike and head in a direction I’ve never been before. Everyone’s like, “Are you going to sell your house once the show’s over?” I don’t think I’m going anywhere. My backyard has a little creek going through it. Right before my dad passed away, he went back to his house in Raleigh. He loved magnolia trees, so I got one and planted it right outside his bedroom window so he could smell the flowers. Right next to my daughter’s little castle in the yard here, I planted a magnolia tree. It’s just now starting to get tall. Every time I look at that, it reminds me of my pop.

The Walking Dead has been part of your life for twelve years. How do you feel about it ending?

I’m a nervous wreck. Most television shows never go this long. And very few have as big an impact as this show has had, in pop culture, society. Part of me is just going to be sitting on the bathroom floor, with a drink, in tears. It’s bittersweet. And it’s a great accomplishment.

What has it been like playing a now-iconic TV character?

It was around maybe season two or three, when I was like, holy shit, this is big. I went to the CMA Awards in Nashville. They had me on a flight to go there. But I’m looking over at my motorcycle, and I’m like, f*** it. And I took a backpack and shoved a suit in it and started driving to Nashville. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t have a GPS. I wrote the directions on my arm in marker. I hit a crazy rainstorm and they washed totally off my arm. I’d stop for gas and directions, and one person would ask for a selfie…then I’d stop at another place, there’d be five people…then, at the next, ten. I guess people knew which road I was on. I finally went by a McDonald’s, and I looked up at the marquee, and it said, we love you norman reedus. I felt like Forrest Gump running across the country. The character has spawned a dozen TV commercials, a dozen video games. I have not really wrapped my head around it, to be honest.

Your new novel, The Ravaged, is somewhat of a road adventure. What inspired you to write it?

It’s three different story lines of people who were thrown out, or are searching for something. And they sort of find people along the road who change them—maybe indirectly because of The Walking Dead, and playing this character who finds that sense of home out on the road with strangers, and a sense of family. I’ve met so many people, and I’m a good listener. Sometimes, I’ll take someone’s story and think about it going in this direction, instead of that direction.

How did your new whiskey come about?

You play a country boy on a hugely successful television show and you ride motorcycles, you get a lot of the same endorsements: You want to make a motorcycle boot? You want to make a motorcycle vest? They’re all too obvious. I know a lot of motorcyclists in a lot of motorcycle clubs. And whiskey is the drink. I’ve had thousands of nights with my friends over the last couple decades where we’ve had a whiskey and really got into a heart-to-heart. And that’s where it all started. This whiskey is very smooth—the kind you drink and you want to be in your socks in front of a fire.

In an episode of Ride with Norman Reedus, you went to Asheville and rode the Blue Ridge Parkway. It seemed like a life-changing experience.

That road is so winding, and the first time I did it, it was in the back of a van. I thought I was going to throw up. But on a motorcycle, it’s like you’re the Silver Surfer. When you get up in those views, it’s a different feeling than riding in the city. I’ve done episodes in Tokyo, I’ve done episodes in Manhattan, and you know they’re fun, and it’s cool to see, and it’s all lights and beep beep beep, but the country rides are my favorite. And doing a ride like that, you really bond with that rider, and the conversation opens up.

What is it about being out on the open road that calls to you?

I don’t get free time. I’m always on a schedule. When I get a chance to be by myself and put the helmet on, there’s no phone, no pressure—that’s why I like to take rides without knowing where I’m going. To get on and just head toward the sun, until it goes down. Then stop somewhere, I don’t know where, and then come back and turn around when the sun comes up.

Garden and Gun

#Norman Reedus #interview #article #garden and gun #long post

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delicatebluebirdruins · 4 years ago

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Shadow and Bone

This will contain spoilers (duh) some names being forgotten and its going to get long and some context less chaos

I hope i got the image ids right

Episode one (23rd April)

- ahh so the Fold= Dark Island form VoDT but with less summoning of monsters?

ID: Ben Barnes holding onto the wheel of a boat

- Many smol beans

Brief interlude with Nausicaa Valley of the Wind

Episode 1 cont. up to midway episode 7 (24th)

- magical brown trouser time my good sir

- buddies!!

- they’re not going to leave Alina alone to her existential crisis are they?

That tent looks like a circus tent to me and I have no idea why

- hmm hello completely innocent fallen branch

me: turns to sis and asks if we can we take brief intermission for this headbanger (which we did)

Turns out our brief intermission for the song was useless because after pressing play again it started buffering

we were talking about it and Dad misheard it as shaggy bone

Imagine the darkling but in pastels and black lace

- how the flipping heck can you fake bleeding light

- do you want to get lost Alina?

On Ben Barnes beard: 50% hot damn and 50% fight me (the way he tilts his head in this makes us want to hit him in the jugular)

Episode 3

- ooh look at the stag

- i love the bathroom

- damn Nina

- I wish Alina had time to get some magic tips but oh well

- replays Ben Barnes saying Moya Tsarieta twice

- how?! (Look I told you there was going to be bits where the context is tricky to pin point)

- i love the goat

- oh Jesper

- blue and gold is a great colour combination

- about the dinner scene: if this were me it would be the very rare time I stand up for myself

+ I want to add a small thing about the food taster... one is dream job/ i like him/ and imagine a taster eating something and it goes down the wrong way

- yes Jesper hug the goat- and

ID: a man with his thumb up gif from The Hunger Games; with him saying “nice shooting sweetheart” but I couldn’t find a gif of him saying it

- true north? I am never going to be free of bellarke am I?

- oh that hurts

Episode 4

- “our saint has arrived to late” 🤧

- ohh the stag is so pretty

- horses!!!

- time for a heist- i love this goat

- aww wishing fountain bonding

- the darking is growing on me

- i love Mikhail and Dubrov

- I love what we get to see of Nadia and Marie and Kaz and Inej and Jesper and basically everyone

- i love a heist (this isnwhat the hobbit should of been but you know with more dragons

- Mal is baby

- poor Nina

- ah ha a vicious cycle against the Grisha and Fjerdan

- I thought Arkens reaction was a bit odd

- oh Alina sweet heart- flashback time

- the map room is a aesthetic- using Aleksanders own words against him

That shot of the two of them is great

- poor Alina

- yas queen

- oh the stag!

- oh the machine gun; Mal poor buddy and of course flashback time

- i knew she was going to get the scar removed

Episode 5

- poor Mal

- Nadia is me

- Genya is amazing

- hi David and great minds think alike Alina (i had the same expression on my face when they were flirting)

- oh the creepy masks had a purpose

- “you’re not Ivan” you don’t say

- aand height difference... this first kiss is kind of weird to me

- oh Jesper you flirt

- I’m sorry firey people you’re going to be outshined

- Inej is so beautiful

- Dima?!?!

ID: two people from a scene in the Anastasia Musical the song My Petersburg

- what is the librarians dudes problem?

- Genya you badass... poor Marie (does Alina learn about this?? It would probably be forgotten just like her causing the death of her fellow mapmakers)

- I love the costumes

- Tofin (Idk his name) we don’t know you sorry you’re dead

- oh the kissing

ID: a gif showing two people kissing

- and him giving her the flowers is kind of cute but where did they come from?

- *pinched nose* I hate cryptic messages Baghra... holy shit... i mean I kinda knew he was immortal but still holy shit

- oh Kaz... Inej! Collect your bloody knives

- *snorting* The crows being sent to kidnap Alina and Jesper just watching her climb into the getaway carriage will always be hysterical (i personally would be laughing and thats why anything involving stealth is off the cards for me)

Episode 6

- rest in pieces Arken

- Alina broke Inej

- I love Ivan (remember the thing i said about forgetting names/ getting them mixed up? This is it.. I love Feydor a lot more than Ivan but they are both so cute together)

- my heart will go on starts playing?

- i like that horse statue in the background

- i love the beach... look at those waves... the wet look is great

- you done mess up Alina but also cool

- Mal is burly squid

- “burly squid” wheezing nosies

- now hug

- Kaz I love the cane

- “I see you now” aww

- I knew they were going to snuggle... those cute laughs

- the alarm clock though... i knew Inej should have taken the knife... i love Jesper... poor Inej... clever boy Kaz

- does it hurt? Mal? Does it hurt?

I have a habit at picking at things that hurt and well fictional characters aren’t safe from me wanting to poke something painful

- ride OR die bitches

- aand more height differences... getting very close there guys... Matthias please don’t let her fall.... they are kind of cute

- David through a book... 😂 they carriage jacked the Darkling

- David raising his hand is me... but damn it

- Alina is amazing... please remember you’re wearing the ring... Mal is best boy

- “adorable” snorting noises

Episode 7

- horsey!!!

- ahh the return of the VoDT hair (see first gif)

- Luda is familiar...

- yikes

- poor Aleksander being turned into a pincushion is not a great time

- poor Luda

- holy shit

- rock and hard place

- fuck off Baghra

- he wanted to help 😔

- ah so its like the hollow from Charmed

Image ID: gif from the og Charmed with text saying “ohhh she’s a demon!”

- this shot is beautiful... ah so I guess this could have been what happened if Caspian resurrected the White Witch... i guess

- hi stag.... oh okay 😔 poor Stag poor Mal

Flashbacks to Cinderella and Snow White (the one with Krisien Sterwart) natually it follows along with Snow White

- *squishie noises* poor Jesper... we love you Jesper but please stop talking to Inej just in case she sews her finger to the wound

- i love the crows and i love the chat about the crows

Buffers

The next day (25th) episode continued

- David looks so sad

- personally I would downsize the fold just as reminder of it

- that looks like that hurt

- I love Milo and Jesper 💖

- don’t look at it Alina... Genya is right that colour is horrible... tell her off Alina... poor Genya

- I think Jesper had fun playing a guard

- I knew the Darkling read the letters

Sister: why does he look like Tom Ellis right now?

- oh Mal

- blow dart... lol Kaz

- Milo!?! Oh the bullet you clever boy Mal

- i like the tent... he’s not wrong... we want to play with that dangly bit... oh the angst

- I thought you looked older (idk context)

- I love the outfit but couldn’t the necklace be anywhere else?

- “no mourners no funerals”

- I love the music

Episode 8

- I don’t trust that opening

- me too Crows, me to... how could you not know who Milo is

- I love Nina and Matthias so much... they are so pretty... I am not a fan of taxidermy... oh his name is Feydor sorry we kept getting you mixed up

- God damnit Kirigan.. a not so sneaky Mal... the honorary Crow... pick a side already darkling... Sun Queen?... did anybody notice her being tied down?... Good Mal and good Inej

- Jesper is amazing... so much death... bad bitch Zoya... I love Inej kissing the knife and nailing the Darkling with it... head shot... hello buddy??... this music though... badass Alina... fucking Ivan... holy shit and of course music is amazing

+ brave Kaz

- Inej and Alina bonding time... hugs? No hugs ☹️

- he offered her his hand 😞... Inej wants to hug... finally some hugs... Zoya has grown on me... i love Kanej (is that the ship name)

- Matthias oh no buddy... hill house flashbacks

- i love Jesper so much... Nina going “someone say heartrender??”

Image ID: someone turning around and raising eyebrows at camera

- Kaz saying “she’s a saint” made my heart happy

- I doubt the Darkling is dead...... i was right

- well shit/ coolness of making shadow monsters follow you (please let there be a flashback for this)

Bonus

+ imagine of Matthias and Nina decide to sleep rather than get food and were caught cuddling by the Grisha... I thought of this as I was getting into bed that night and i got up ran to my sister told her my thought she found the idea funny then went back to bed

+ people who own trains are evil?? Looks at snowpiercer

Bonus: the soundtrack is on spotify and itunes

Image id: someone bobbing along with headphones on

#shadow and bone netflix #ellie watches #spoilers #long post

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365days365movies · 4 years ago

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February 1, 2021: Dirty Dancing (1987)

There are two people to credit for the beginning of this month. The first is my girlfriend, who asked that I represent her with this GIF.

Thank you, dear. Anyway, this is one of her favorite romance films, and she’s also not a big romance movie person. She was shocked that I hadn’t seen it, and that’s because of the second person to credit here: my Mom.

That is my Mom in the late ‘80s with her Pomeranian, Pugsley. Yup. This is just the GODDAMN SURFACE of my Mom, who’s quirky as shit. Love her for it, though. But, OK, why is my Mom involved here? Because this is also one of her favorite films. My Dad’s, too, but I’ll talk more about him in April.

However, if you read the Romance February introduction from yesterday, you might be wondering something. If my Mom’s taste in romance movies was so prevalent in my early life, how in the hell have I never seen this movie, one of her favorites? Especially considering the fact that, TMI here, but I WAS BORN TO THE FILM’S SOUNDTRACK. YES. REALLY. HOW HAVE I ESCAPED THIS MOVIE?

Yup. No clue. Shall we remedy that? SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

It’s 1963 in the Catskills, where Frances “Baby” Houseman (Jennifer Grey), a politically conscious young woman on her way into the Peace Corps, is going on vacation with her parents, Jake and Majorie Houseman (Jerry Orbach and Kelly Bishop), and her sister, Lisa (Jane Brucker). The owner, Max Kellerman (Jack Weston), who’s a friend of the Housemans, welcomes them to the resort.

Later that night, Max is briefing the young male waiters and entertainment, all of whom are hired from Ivy League universities. Well...except for the intriguing young dance instructor in the sunglasses. THAT...would be Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze).

I wanna just say before I forget, I miss Patrick Swayze. He’s awesome, and he left far too soon.

The next night, during dinner, Max introduces Baby to his grandson, Neil (Lonny Price), who’s just graduated from Cornell’s Hotel Management school. A school which, for the record, is the best hotel school in the USA, and second or third in the world. Also, hotelies (that’s what we called them) are CRAZY. They’re an interesting...bunch...

I, uh... I went to CornellMOVING ON

As Neil awkwardly hits on Baby, everybody encourages them having a relationship, despite her CLEARLY not wanting any of this. She instead watches Johnny skillfully mambo with another girl on center floor. After being roped into a magic act by Neil, and given a chicken by Stan (Wayne Knight, which I’m a fan of), she leaves, annoyed and irritated.

On her way back, she sees Johnny’s cousin, Billy (Neal Jones) struggling with a few GIGANTIC watermelons. She offers to help him, and he brings her to a secret house party, where some dancing’s happening. Some...dirty dancing.

Interesting side note here: racial integration! In 1963, remember, so that’s interesting. I mean, if anybody’s a fan of that, it’s gonna be me. At the party, Johnny arrives with Penny Johnson (Cynthia Rhodes), his dance partner from the mambo floor. Johnny sees her there, and questions her presence, to which she makes an adorably awkward comment. And then...they do a dance of their own.

The next day, Lisa makes a love connection with one of the waiters, and asks Baby to cover for her. Baby also speaks to Penny, who doesn’t come from the best background. That night, Penny’s missing, and Neil gives Cornell students just the WORST goddamn name as he very awkwardly hits on Baby. He takes her to the kitchen, and that’s where Baby sees Penny.

Yeah, Penny’s not OK. Baby goes to Billy and Johnny, who go to get her. Turns out Penny’s pregnant, but Johnny’s not the father. They’re obviously quite close, although they aren’t romantically tangled. Baby, coming from a place of much higher privilege, doesn’t quite understand how difficult this is. Penny berates her for this, and it’s revealed that the father is Robbie Gould (Max Cantor), one of the waiters, who’s also the guy that’s been hanging around Lisa.

Baby confronts him the following day, where he states that “Some people count, some people don’t.” He also offers her a copy of The Fountainhead, a well-known book for complete and utter douchenozzles. She warns him to stay away from her sister, then goes to ask her father for money for the abortion. Which, by the way, was very illegal in 1963. She gets the money from her dad, who gives it without asking many questions.

However, there’s an issue; Johnny and Penny have to dance on the only night she can get the abortion. And there’s nobody to replace her...except maybe Baby? Johnny’s entirely against it, they end up convincing him, for Penny’s sake. And now, we get a hallmark of ‘80s cinema: the training montage.

This is a pretty good time to note three things. One, Jennifer Grey is the daughter of Joel Grey, one of the GREATEST actor/dancers ever to grace Hollywood and Broadway. Dude was one of the main characters in Cabaret, for which he won an Oscar, and originated the role of the Wizard of Oz in Wicked. So, yeah, she’s got dancing blood. Secondly, Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey apparently HATED each other. Yeah, kind of a bummer. But their chemistry was SO GODDAMN POWERFUL, that they were able to push through their feelings and do this as well as they are. And third...THIS SOUNDTRACK BOPS.

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I get it. I GET IT.

Something else I get, too. The chemistry between Grey and Swayze really does sizzle, GODDAMN. Over the course of the montage, they clearly get closer emotionally...and physically. And yeah, it’s definitely there. Although, given the fact that they’re from different class backgrounds, it’s probably gonna be one of those stories. Well, OK. Let’s do it.

After a little too much time practicing, the two take a break. And yet, while on a nature excursion, they continue their training in different environments. Most iconically, they practice lifts in the lake.

Yeah...yeah, I get it.

The day approaches, and Baby and Penny have a bit of a heart-to-heart. Penny asks Lisa to cover for her (and I’m betting that she won’t, LIKE AN ASSHOLE), and she heads to the dance gig. It mostly goes OK, but the lift is aborted at the last second. However, the performance is still received well. They leave JUST before an elderly couple from the resort sees them.

Johnny gives her a pep-talk, telling her that she did well, and the music on the car radio hints at their growing mutual attraction. But once they get there, tragedy’s struck. Turns out that the abortion doctor was a dangerous quack, and Penny’s now dangerous injured, in pain and possibly dying. Panicking, Baby does THE RIGHT THING, I can’t stress that enough, THE RIGHT GODDAMN THING, and gets her doctor father.

Understandably upset (and yeah, it is understandable, all things considered), Dr. Houseman forbids Baby from seeing Johnny or any of the others ever again. This situation...sucks. Damn. And Baby agrees, as she sneaks off to see Johnny anyway. She apologizes to Johnny for how her father treated her, but Johnny blames his own social status for it, rather than her father.

Their conversation becomes very real, and eventually turns into Baby declaring her love for Johnny. As a song comes on the radio, she asks him to dance with her. Giving in to his own feelings, he agrees. And together they engage in some...Dirty Dancing.

As the two dirty dance horizontally, the night turns to day. That morning, things are definitely awkward between Baby and her father, who almost takes his family away that night. But, his wife and Lisa convince him to stay. He even comes back to visit Penny, checking in to make sure she’s alright, which Baby finds out once she does the same.

Things are also a little awkward between Baby and Johnny, interestingly. Wonder how last night ended. Well, Penny figures it out, and warns Johnny about the risks off getting involved with the upper class. Which, remember, is how she ended up this way. The two have a tense-but-intimate exchange. Which just preludes this IMMEDIATELY happening.

Yeah, that’s not a surprise. Well, more heart-to-heart proceeds, and they continue to learn about each other’s lives. That night, Lisa tells Baby that she wants to go all the way with Robbie. Despite Baby’s warnings, Lisa simply tells her off, and is generally, I’ll be honest, a bitch. The next morning, though, Baby and Johnny have another dance session. And it’s THAT session. You know the one.

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Neil interrupts, and proceeds to give a bad name to Cornellians everywhere (I’m not like that putz, I SWEAR), and pisses off Johnny in the process. She asks why he didn’t stand up for himself, and then immediately hides Johnny from her father, who’s walking with Robbie and Lisa. Rightfully calling her a hypocrite, he storms off.

And then they immediately resolve it. Which, GODDAMN, do I appreciate. Robbie strolls by, makes a typical crass comment about Baby, and then Johnny BEATS THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM

OH FUCK YES. And if that wasn’t enough catharsis, Lisa catches Robbie with one of the high society wives from earlier, as they sleep together in a cabin. OH. YES. THAT’S SOME GOOOOOOOOOOOOD SHIT.

Baby and Johnny, in the actual good and fully-developed relationship of this movie, spend the night together. And are seen the next morning by the high society wife, who had the hots for Johnny.

The wife, Vivian (Miranda Garrison), implicates Johnny in stealing a wallet. Johnny’s about to be fired, and then BABY ADMITS THAT THEY WERE TOGETHER IN FRONT OF HER FATHER HOLY FUCK

She did it. She actually did it. Goddamn. And then, AND THEN, she TELLS HER FATHER OFF AND CALLS HER OUT FOR HIS ELITISM HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS MOVIE. And then, Jerry Orbach fuckin’ starts tearing up, and I AM SHOOK MOTHERFUCKER

And yet, even though the wallets were actually stolen by an elderly couple that Baby actually implicated, Johnny gets fired anyway. GODDAMN. After Baby completely loses heart, Johnny confronts her father, and learns that he believes that he was the one who got Penny pregnant. Johnny semi-tells him off, then walks away.

At his car, Johnny and Baby say goodbye with a kiss, and Johnny heads off forever. I mean, probably not, there’s a good 16 minutes left, and we haven’t gotten to the most iconic scene of the film yet. But anyway, Baby mourns her lost relationship, and her sister actually bonds with her over this whole thing. Hot damn.

I want to punch Neil in the goddamn face. Mostly just because he’s on screen, but also because he LITERALLY ruins the goddamn anthem of Cornell University, by setting the anthem for the resort against its melody. Goddamn you, Neil. GODDAMN YOU. Also, fuck Robbie, because he LITERALLY OUTS HIMSELF to Dr. Houseman as Penny’s former deadbeat partner. As the anthem continues (to my rage), who shows up but Johnny, who comes to stick up for Baby and all she’s done.

He brings her up on stage, and interrupts the anthem (THANK YOU CHRIST) to perform the last dance of the season, as he always does. Despite Dr. Houseman’s would-be objections (prevented by his wife, who has moved up on my list of favorite characters), the two are left alone on stage. And that...is when the song plays. YOU KNOW THE GODDAMN SONG

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Y’know, it’s funny, because this song is definitely an ‘80s song, making this whole sequence pretty goddamn anachronistic, but WHO CARES!? It’s one of the most iconic sequences in film history, especially of the era, and I love the hell out of it. The crowd cheers, the rest of the kids join in, the lift happens, father and daughter make up, everybody dances, I dance with my girlfriend, I LOVE IT! They kiss, they dance and the film fades to black.

Dirty Dancing! See you in the Review! Oh, I’m changing the name of that section, by the way. Alongside a few more things. You’ll see.

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purplesurveys · 3 years ago

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1230

When was the last time you felt like “getting into someone’s pants”? Way back last year.

What is your favorite energy drink, if you have a favorite at all? I find energy drinks nasty.

Would you have kids with the last person you kissed? That wouldn’t be possible even in the literal sense.

Do you know someone who threatens to kill themselves? Before.

Would you ever completely dye your hair the color green? Yes, but I would opt for a darker shade rather than a bright or neon one.

Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship before? I have not. Thinking about it, I’m pretty low-maintenance so I could probably handle it if I ever find myself in that situation, as long as I’m invested enough in the relationship and my partner.

What is your favorite food to eat around Christmas? I like anything my family prepares really, but I definitely go for lumpia first if I see a whole container of it.

Do the people in your town speak like rednecks? No and I’m not sure if we have an equivalent for that here.

When was the last time you cried happy tears? Like a week ago when the Permission to Dance video came out. The ending when everyone was taking off their masks and smiling was really heartwarming.

How liberal are you? Enough to make most of my relatives uncomfortable.

Would you mind living near large predatory animals? Yes. I’ve lived in gated villages all my life so it will take a lot of getting used to.

Have you ever experienced altitude sickness? I don’t think so. The ‘worst’ I’ve experienced is just feeling pressure in my ears and having weakened hearing whenever we drive up mountains; it takes a while before mine do the popping thing and I get my normal hearing back.

What’s your biggest priority right now? To be consistent at improving at my job and making fewer mistakes as I go. I shared this with my boss recently and she told me not to worry too much as I’m doing better than I think I am and that the mistakes I beat myself about have actually been small and fixable ones, but the perfectionist/workaholic in me just refuses to be reassured lol.

If you’ve stayed overnight in a hospital, how did you entertain yourself? The last time this happened, public wi-fi was still mostly a myth so I had to contend with A LOT of forced napping just to make the time pass by. I didn’t have a phone either, so my experience was extremely dull and boring.

Are your hands unsteady? They’re not surgeon-level stable but I think they’re fine for the most part.

Do you listen to a lot of mainstream music? I used to until I got into BTS. I haven’t really listened to any other artist since getting into them back in April lol.

Do you think you’re pretty? Some days.

Have you ever added someone you don’t know on Facebook? Yeah, a few work contacts like bloggers whose names I recognized but have never talked to/engaged with.

Do you have dirty pictures in your phone? Nope.

Have you ever looked up porn on the internet? Yes. I have my on-and-off phases when it comes to porn though and these days I don’t watch a lot of it.

Would you ever shoot someone right in the face? In a case of self-defense where I was clearly trying to be killed, that's right where I would aim. But otherwise, of course I wouldn't. < Sounds about right. But holy shit that sounds like it would look so gross.

Have you ever sold drugs? I’ve never been around drugs ever.

Did you ever try cutting yourself? It was a coping mechanism many, many moons ago.

Who’s the last guy you texted? It was a - surprise surprise - delivery guy who needed directions again to my house.

Who do you know that wears the most make up? I’m not sure, but then again most people I know don’t really put on makeup these days because lol Covid and stay-at-home orders??

Do any of your friends have kids? None of my friends do but I know several acquaintances and people from high school who’ve already given birth.

Have you ever been tied up? Yeah.

How many times have you been cussed out? Nearly everyday as a teenager.

Are you anyone’s first love? I think?

Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? Nope.

Do you have more than one personality? Nope.

Do you prefer gory horror films or the psychological ones? Psychological ones for sure, but I don’t mind gore as well as long as it’s fun to watch and that it’s not too corny.

Do you have a favorite YouTuber or do you not watch much YouTube? I haven’t watched a lot of YouTubers these days, but very recently I’ve been gravitating towards soothing vloggers like Anna Park and Mejiwoo. Their vlogs are greeeeaaaaat and I’m excited to discover similar creators so I can watch more videos that carry the same vibe.

Are you a good dancer? I dance only when alone or when drunk. That said, I’m no good at all.

If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Continued from yesterday. It’d be nice to reconnect with Raegan for like a day, just to catch up. Then again I’ve since been able to track her down on social media, so it’s nice to be able to see how she’s doing, at least from afar.

Was your sixth grade teacher a man or a woman? The teacher-in-charge of my section was a woman. They didn’t really appoint guy teachers to be TICs until recently.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Yeah, but it had been a decayed tooth at that point that really needed to be pulled since it technically didn’t have a purpose anymore.

Do you wash your hair or your body first when taking a shower? Hair.

Have you ever been to a nursing home? I don’t think so.

Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? Fortunately, no. My mom’s childhood home was robbed though, and their grand piano ended up being stolen :( To this day they have no clue how the thieves were able to pull it off without making too big of a fuss.

Is there someone in your life you don’t want in it? I don’t think I dislike anyone that much at the moment.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over? Three. Two of them because they died, and the other one is my dad for the times we had to drive him to the airport though I only cried over it only as a kid.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Andi.

Has anyone ever told you they were in love with you? Yes.

Pretending to “never get the text” from someone who annoys you. Is that you? Not really. I reply, just not quickly enough.

If your ex came up to you and asked you to take them back, what would you say? Honest to god I would probably be smug about it, and ask what led to the sudden change of mind. I’m doing too okay now to entertain the request though, so idk if I would agree to it or not because I’ve worked pretty hard to get here.

Do you prefer boys to shave down there? I wouldn’t know; I’ve never been with a guy before so I haven’t really had a chance to establish a preference.

How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? Nothing.

Do you enjoy watching cooking shows? I have my moods. I prefer my cooking shows on YouTube, though.

Do you worry about gaining weight? No.

Have you ever seen the movie A Walk to Remember? Cliche or worth watching? Yeah the acting was so fucking cheesy the first 5 minutes the only thing left for me to do was gag. What’s one event your town has that you don’t like to participate in? They don’t really organize stuff here, or if they do I never join them to begin with.

Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses' names? Nope. I know my sister doesn’t want to get married + I don’t speak to my brother, so I dunno if I’ll ever have any in-laws tbh.

Do you like being home alone or does it freak you out? Well obviously I crave it these days, so it actually feels nice when everyone in the family has errands to run on the same day.

Did you lose friends when you started dating someone? I lost Sofie, but I also blame college life for that loss.

Did you leave milk and cookies for Santa when you were little? No.

To who did you last give the finger to? I haven’t had to flip someone off in a while. I’m guessing just some stupid driver.

Do you talk in your sleep? Nope. At least I have never been informed that I do.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? It’s civil enough for the house to stay quiet most days, but it’s nothing excellent.

Have you ever been a featured member on any website? I don’t think so.

Do you feel that your previous relationships were a waste of time? Yes.

Do you prefer hot chocolate with or without marshmallows? Without. I HAAAAAATE marshmallows.

Which do you like better: Regular cakes or cookie cakes? I never got the point of cookie cakes tbh lol.

Have you ever been hit by the opposite sex? No.

If your significant other cheated on you, would you take them back? I know I definitely have the capacity to be dumb enough to do this, but it would also depend on how invested I am in the person.

What was the last song you listened to? I'm currently listening to a slowed down version of Jungkook’s cover of Biebs’ 2U. 4 AM things.

What do you look for most in a friendship? I’ve answered this question on a previous survey, same with a few of the following questions.

#survey #surveys

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altarflame · 4 years ago

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Let me give you this real country music breakdown.

Keeping in mind that 2019 involved lots of gut wrenching transition, including divorce and selling my home of 11 years (the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere). Moving away from the tropics, to a place where the ocean is usually too far and my plants can’t live outside through the winter. I had a kid move out and away, for the first time. My oldest friend also died last August, after a scant 3 month long battle with cancer. It was a real plague upon my proverbial dog, wife, and pickup truck. And, of course, I’m living through a pandemic, and a long overdue but very emotional racial justice uprising, with the rest of you, now. Anyway. OTHER than those things, my 2020 has been like...My sister’s gradually, gut wrenchingly cut off all contact with me over the past couple of years, culminating in the last couple of months, whenst we no longer speaketh at all. I’ve fought hard for this to be different and it’s still very sharp. I don’t think I’ll ever give up hope, or stop making a fool of myself about it. A new friend I was starting to really care about hung herself in April. I’ve tried to be there for her husband and 5 year old daughter when and how I can, which is honestly not much. I’ve taken several people who were scared to go alone, to her grave. I felt forced to break up with the person I thought was my soul mate, these past 3 years, and wanted to be with forever, and I have grieved it hard over the last couple of months. I’m still processing this. I’m gonna be processing this for awhile. My threshold for being anywhere near him without overwhelming sobbing is apparently approximately 45 seconds. In the beginning we were scrambled together, mixed in a celestial bowl and hand fluffed with a feather. And the tears of bliss were not amiss - it was a good day. But the story nears the present time Of restlessness and wake up calls Wake up! Years have flown fast but then who's counting The wars have been won but there's few left standing between us And the shadows of Christmas past... Critically acclaimed but sadly underrated - Fortune definitely favored us, but no one celebrated. Our wits were splitting at their ends... We gazed upon the city lights We each laughed aloud one final time and agreed: This is one thing we'll miss... On his way out, he sabotaged my part time foster child’s mom’s tenuous, fragile relationship with me, so I no longer have the ability to connect with or help that child who he brought into my life. Who I love and wonder about and periodically hear horror stories about via mutual friends. I bent over backwards, I burned calories straining for that trust between the mom and myself.

It’s so terrible sometimes. It hurts so bad. Jean-Paul. LAURA. *MILLS* . Coralye. FUCK. This post brought to you with plenty of hard crying, and no shortage of echoing painful music. I’m physically sick about this shit semi often. I don’t normally let go of anybody, guys. But certainly not my fucking nearest and dearest. I have a lot. I have SO MUCH. I know this. I feel good a lot of the time. I have all 5 of my kids under this roof while the pandemic rages on, and they’re all healthy and beautiful and they all love me and talk with me. It’s mostly all cake these days with them, Elise telling me where she is in her own solitary reading for pleasure, Ananda cracking me up, Jake biking to the grocery store for treats to share, Aaron showing me something amazing in the yard, Isaac washing dishes and giving me weirdly helpful and totally unanticipated advice. They’re almost no work now, it’s all return on investment and I have tons of privacy and I use the fuck out of it. I’m deeply in love with somebody these past 7 months. Being deeply in new love AND devastated-heartbroken about lost love at the same time is honestly dizzying, I spent a first destitute day thinking maybe I can’t do polyamory anymore, period. Maybe this is too fucking much and I’m gonna be alone and focus on my career and my goddamned plants. (<--not fucking really, obv I am not gonna let the pain win and go full hermit. Brief compelling temptation, though.) My career and my plants are great, btw, thanks for asking. I’ve got basically my dream job, it’s flexible and lackadaisical AND meaningful and challenging, it’s salaried with bonuses and hella benefits and amazing job security. It’s the whole thing, the culmination of 6 years in school and unpaid internships and volunteering. I even have a spare PRN position elsewhere that I mostly hang on to because it’s fun when they want me to come make $200 for a shift, to mix it up a little. And I have solo projects, writing and web and mental health, all in the works, and they’re good. I have seedlings sprouting. I have a yard that is pure magic, revealing new secrets each day. I’ve got some of my oldest people, like Jess. I’ve got some exciting new people, like Jill. The love, did I mention it? Holy shit. I’ve got Sterling, and that is a whole other story. That it’s been this good while things are this bad is pretty astounding. His own drama quotient has been off the charts, too. I almost can’t imagine how wonderful it would be if we weren’t constantly adrift in a sea of bullshit, though I also strongly suspect we both need a certain staggering minimum quota of bullshit. It’s no accident that we met mutually chasing along after the wake of the same madman’s chaos. We’re nursing some deep wounds in each other, waking up some old old hurts and soothing them back down smaller and smaller. Anytime we’re touching it’s either syrupy soma sweet, blazing inferno hot, or a staggering blend of the two - and then we pull apart to try to actually speak with whole brains, and inevitably take turns being baffled, just hilariously relieved, at how easy it is to communicate. We alternate coming at each other on tiptoe, braced, and then feeling confused and just.... amused? Skeptical? that the other is totally able to empathize with what was just said and is accepting it gently. We don’t have a ton of objective stuff in common, on paper. We’re both very wordy and linguistic, we’re analyzers, we draw unusual people who will feel safe telling us insane things. We’re both hypersexual perverts, chronic pickers, we both wear too much black. It doesn’t go a lot further than that at a glance. We both have PTSD and ironclad outward facing coping skills, nostalgia for the Florida Keys, scientific skepticism mixed with some faith in magic.... we were both brilliant children who felt pretty isolated. But I haven’t ever really felt like anyone is loving me the way I love people, before. I’ve never even felt like anyone else received my love, the same way I intended it, or at least not all of it. It’s like the intensity of what I’m conveying and meaning when I kiss somebody’s cheek, I dunno man, he experiences it. The goofy flowing sense I have, of holding hands, he comments on it all the time. I’m not just like.... alone, in my overwhelm with being touched, or my enthusiasm for sensations, and that is honestly pretty new to me. Sterling is not tolerating my affection for my sake, and I’m still gradually adapting to that with periodic backsliding into hesitance, and unneeded apologies. It’s like we’re totally fluent in the precise same love language, so nothing gets lost, and the feedback loop is instantaneous. He’s dark inside, but dark like Nine Inch Nail’s A Warm Place. Dark like the womb. So as I was saying. I have so much. Including a candle that’s about Mills, and is burning behind me, giving me this slipping sense that I need to blow it out, I need to reserve it, it’s gonna be gone soon. This one spans so many feelings, it’s been positive, some new candle would be what, voodoo? Meddling? I don’t know. This one’s been in a drawer, with our ring buried in it (my dragon). What will I do with that ring? What will I do with all this love? How can I contain so much, anyway? Why can’t anything ever replace anything else? It’s like infinite space, and the empty places just keep throbbing, and it’s like I sprout new spots for new fullness and the cavities pulse on. I’m deeply grateful for a certain self-completeness I’ve come to understand that I have, and that not everyone does. I am resiliant A-motherfucking-F (<--meta vulgar!). AND YET. OW OW OW. I’m sitting here trying to exposure therapy my way through my Mills playlist, as I write this, so Spotify can’t surprise me into sads anymore. I’ve gotten already to a place where sometimes i remember positive things purely positively, and laugh and tell a story and it’s ok. I’m bitter as all hell that I can’t even talk to my sister about this breakup, after she had so many stupid goddamned feelings about the relationship itself, about polyamory in general, about ever knowing him (which might have allowed her to help me grieve at all). Sigh. I love the internet, maybe feel free to send me a message if you’re still reading, whoever the fuck you are <3

#personal #long text posts #polyamory #Mills #loss #Sterling #motherhood #MSW

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