#i want to live im tired of this hibernation ive been doing

[boojersey]

mutuals tattoo me on my hips/ass challenge

[ooglywooglies]

i have to make a separate post because the tags were getting too long

but yes all my vampire characters are thin, i even struggle to justify to myself xanthes huge bazoongas because in the lore nyesaya cant justify having a lot of fat on their body because of how infrequently they eat. i had to do a bunch of lizard and deer blood math to come up with a somewhat reasonable metabolism to keep them from having to kill too often.

there are not many vampires running around in universe because theyre fairly weak and its 100% legal to kill them basically at any time for any reason by exploiting a revenge law that exists in order to justify another law that allows vampires to kill and eat 1 human every month or so (im stuck between 1 and 3 months because 3 is really stretching that metabolism problem thin but 1 still feels way too frequent for what a law would allow) they can only do it past 10 pm and when they kill someone they have to report it so it can go on a publicly available list so their loved ones can know who did it. you dont have to verify a relationship to a person on this list to kill a vampire, you just have to be able to name someone on the list when you do, probably, i havent really thought of a consequence for not doing that, there probably arent even any consequences.

(wow alex do you have much of a bias here - LOOK IM TRYING TO MAKE IT BALANCED, OF COURSE HUMANS WOULD SYSTEMICALLY OPPRESS VAMPIRES - i always get nervous people are gonna be like hey this feels similar to real life oppression are you trying to say vampires in your universe are analogous to human minorities in real life? and i mean, i get why youd say that, real life human minorities are oppressed because the majority thinks of them as a threat, vampires are oppressed because THEY ARE a threat. i dont think that means im SAYING human minorities are a threat. i just kind of wanted to draw the logical conclusion of what would happen if a sentient creature like this lived in a world like ours. human minorities still exist in my universe and are still oppressed, theyre probably even compared to vampires IN UNIVERSE. and its like, yeah i have sympathy for the vampires a few of them are main characters, i talk about their oppression more than the real life human minority group characters because idk, im a real life human minority myself and i sort of find my own oppression tiresome and uninteresting at this point. at least in the context of my fantasy story. maybe its comforting to me to explore this through the lens of a fictional alien species, my point is please dont take this in bad faith please i promise i think about the implications and i promise thats not where im going with this im just autistic about biology and politics and magical realism.)

anyway in order to not HAVE to eat super often ive been working on developing ways to slow down their metabolism. its not completely perfect and ive had to throw in some "fine whatever its magic" to cover the cracks but i initially based their metabolism on komodo dragons since theyre a similar size. thats where the lizard and deer blood math comes in, deer i think have a similar amount of blood to humans it was like 10 pints or something. this was so long ago ive lost all my sources, and so if a komodo dragon is good off of like an entire deer for like a month, thats where i got that estimate from. so they have some reptile-like traits like, they dont regulate their own body heat, for the most part. they sleep a LOT like 20 hours a day most of the time, they get tired really really easily, and they brumate in the winter

im not sure if brumate is the right word, thats the reptile word for hibernate but theyre not reptiles, theyre not mammals either

they were sort of just sprung into existence by a human hating food chain based goddess so you cant really classify them taxonomically. its one of those situations that sort of frustrates me because yeah magic does exist in this universe and you cant explain everything in a grounded way

sidebar the magic is very magic and not logic but one thing i like about it is its basically an invisible gas (its also a form of life but thats not really important) so the way its "wielded" is you can basically just form a connection between yourself and anyone else via the invisible magic gas thats constantly touching everyone. telepathy is something that happens a lot in universe especially with vampires because its how they conduct their religion and its like certain beings can just beam sounds and images directly into your brain, especially while you sleep via the connection of these magic particles

preddy cool

[missspiritualtramp1984]

September 9th

its 2am. its been months of hibernating since I quit my job and just living off of and depleting my savings, up all night sleeping during the day. I know I should take sleeping meds and try to sleep so I can attempt to have a semblance of a normal day tomorrow, but im having a really hard time fighting the urge to get up and clean and do a whole self care routine.. ive had so many manic nights like this and they always lead to a tired/headache filled day the following day and never any actual sustainable growth.

overall just feeling weird since it seems like residential treatment isn't going to work and ive just been wasting so much time waiting for something to lift me out of this completely consuming depression. At the end of the day I don't think anything really will. part of me is committed to staying as sick as I am so I can slip into treatment at my lowest and get help, vs actually actively trying to get better but never really getting to the level of health im proud of or desire.

its stupid but I feel hopeless when I think of famous people I admire (Anthony Bourdain, Sylvia Plath) having tons of success and working to overcome their depressions ultimately to succumb to them. it makes me feel like any progress or periods of improvement are inevitably temporary and this will be an uphill battle my entire life.

I think my meds are working a little, but I don't know if I need to go to a treatment center, that its the only place or environment that will allow me to focus and heal. Or if I just need to take my life into my own hands and take fucking control and reparent myself and nourish myself... although Ive literally never been able to implement consistent and healthy change. I don't want to waste more of my life and 20s lying to myself that "tomorrow" things will be different and "tomorrow" I'll start living the life I want to.

[aced0g]

small vent :/

[chanluster]

hello all 😃

I was gonna post this at midnight on the first day of 2022, but real life is a bitch and in truth i forget things really easily now.

still, as 2021 has ended, i feel as if i had to come out of my hibernation and say a few things about this blog, and its impact.

first of all, i saw my fics hitting new milestones, and i couldn’t even believe that despite me being barely here i receive so much love and appreciation from you people. it means so much, and truly so much, that every single one of you take the time to read my mostly horny ramblings and leave a like, comment, reblog or ask 🥺 to know i am appreciated while i am not here has been one of my greatest achievements.

second, but most importantly, i wanted to mention a few people who have definitely impacted my 2021, and the fics they brought with them.

@mocimori — CHIAAAAA, LOMLLLLL TREASURE OF MY HEART 😭😭😭❤️❤️😭❤️😭😭❤️ you are another ive wronged with my terrible replies but now i see why you complained about uni 😭 that shit SUCKS but ever since you sent in those Paris asks you have managed to make me a complete SIMP of you and every artwork you’ve made of SKZ and genshin makes me wanna like retweet reblog bookmark comment subscribe EVERYTHING !!! you’re so insanely talented and to top it off you are literally one of the nicest people I’ve ever met????? pls pls forgive me for never replying and pls let’s write that anti hero! skz fic we are not doing it justice w all those theories we had 💀💀 i love you so so much and i hope you’re doing amazing ☹️❤️

@bruh-changbin — oh my fucking god . SKY. My Bitch. My Love. the few crackers i will love and appreciate in my life ��� no but seriously you are one of tumblrs few treasures I’ve experienced and this is a big one cause tumblr fucking SUCKS 😭😭 you’ve become such an important person to me and despite u sending me terrible #girlboss memes ur every tiktok, random traumatic moments of your life and twilight memes send me off the edge 😭 thank you for being a funny sexy mf and i promise ill watch twilight soon I PROMISE 💀❤️❤️ ps. pls reply to my tiktoks i want attention 🙄🙄

to lysol — @soobmint @honeyju @hyuckworld (+ all ur other personalities on tumblr 😻) — you fucking three holy shit i hate you all so much because now im obsessed with three stupid americans from across the world who i have never met but would give my kidneys for 😐😐😐 but seriously you three are the reason i haven’t given up on writing ☹️ you guys encouraging me, our constant borderline racially motivated bullying (call me currymuncher one more time alice addy 😐) and just being unforgivably yourselves have become such a comfort to me, and I genuinely wouldn’t know what I would do without you all. Thank you for being in my life. I actually mean it this time 🙄❤️❤️ (no but really i love you so much y’all are the reason for my attachment issues)

special mentions to @healinghyunjin @scxrlettwxtches @aliceu !! i know i never reply and am so so so dead on here but i promise y’all be living in my head rent free !! all of your fics are the reason i have faith in stayblr cause imma be honest with yall stayblr has a draught in good fics💀

now i know i don’t have an abundance of friends or mutuals on here, but the people ive mentioned here, and my readers and supporters are the reason ive given myself a small belief that I can do something with writing. university is being a pain, i am tired, but you all give me strength to hopefully become active again.

i apologise if all of this sounds a bit random and all over the place, but that’s because it’s midnight and i feel like im about to pass out — a mf needs her sleep 💀 anyway, i hope you all have an amazing 2022, and please stay safe ❤️

[birchwoodswolf]

Are you okay? I'm sorry the fandom's been rough on you- it kinda sucks, but there are some really cool people here! (You're one of them, obviously.)

Full response under the cut, because this is kinda long and personal.

Anyway, here are the tags in question that almost certainly incited this ask (originally from this post):

#listen;;; okay;;;;; im so fuckin tired #ive had to deal with this shit for five years with no fuckin Release #this is literally the only reason ive stayed in the fandom after all this time: the fact that i fuckin KNEW that something would happen here #and now im so close to being RIGHT #and sure the hagemans giveth and the hagemans taketh away but they’ve already taken so much

#all i know is that either way im probably gonna be leaving the fandom after ns8 and id prefer to go out on a good note #if they’re just going to be fuckin julienbaiting trash till the end then fine by me i wont fuckin bother watching this stupid shit anymore #and if they go through with it? congrats; and now he’s dead permanently (probably) #and considering that the hope of his existence has been the only force keeping me from escaping this hell fandom #i for one cannot wait to be freed from my chains

And yes, I mean every word of that - but it’s not for the reason you’re alluding to. Honestly, I’ve had no huge issues with the fandom that would force me to leave (disregarding all the Disgusting Shippers) - there are some good people, and I’ve made a lot of friends here. It’s just that I’ve been growing increasingly frustrated with the show over the past several years. The only thing that’s kept me from leaving has been a feeling - almost a premonition - that Julien was going to get a better send-off than what he got in S3. After all, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings, and at that point, the fat lady didn’t even exist.

Am I so petty as to completely disregard the show because I’m mad about how my favorite character was treated? No, but I’m still really disappointed in it. He and Zane had (and by comparison to all seasons since, still have) the best platonic relationship in the entire show, possibly only tied with Cyrus and Pixal (and Cyrus hasn’t seen Pixal since the end of S3 - what’s with Ninjago and either dividing, ruining, or otherwise negatively interfering with parent/child relationships?). The love they had for each other was pure, simple, and unconditional - and in a way, they completed each other.

But the biggest issue I have with Ninjago, the most significant reason why the newer seasons piss me off so much, is the inverse relationship between the quality of the story and the quality of the visuals. Because, for whatever reason, the show can’t have both.

Sure, the pilot, S1, and S2 look decent - but they’re nothing compared to the later seasons. For an example, compare the water physics between the opening scene of Tick Tock and Morro’s death scene in E54:

It’s practically night and day - and this is only one aspect where things have improved significantly. Take the Spinjitzu; in the early seasons, it’s just a normal, flat tornado, but when Kai uses it in E55 (as one example), you can even see sparks flying off of it. Or how complex some of the areas have gotten, how much detail is present now compared to back in the early days.

Or the lighting. Or the effects. Or the creature designs. 

The show has become more and more beautiful, but in the process, the story and characters have been completely decimated. The plots have also gotten much lazier - there could’ve been any number of ways to resolve S6 without resorting to retconning all of it, but nope! They lazily retcon it and create a huge paradox (as Sensei Yang’s temple was left floating in the sky, even though it was only pulled up there in E60 - which was obviously retconned, as only twelve minutes of S6 are effectively “canon” to the current timeline).

Then there’s the love triangle for lazy drama, and all the time they had to waste afterwards attempting to “fix” Jaya (which, to be completely honest, hasn’t worked at all). Most of the other relationships the show has teased haven’t worked out well, either, because there’s always something Really Bad about them (whether it’s the obvious emotional dependencies exhibited by Jay and Zane in their relationships, or all of the incest jokes with Kai and Skylor in S4, or whatever the fuck is wrong with Wu and Misako, which I honestly can’t put a name on).

And don’t even get me started on the characterization! Literally everyone has been reduced down to one or two traits - “robot”, or “annoying”, or “impulsive”, or “foodie”. Sure, these traits were always present back in the early seasons, but they weren’t nearly as exaggerated then as they were now. Jay’s and Zane’s characterizations have especially pissed me off - Jay’s extremely annoying practically 24/7 (especially in S6, jesus fuck), and after he went Titanium, Zane’s become a smarter-than-you asshole who’s always trying to fix shit by himself. (I could honestly go on about him all day, but I won’t.)

Out of the last several seasons, the only one that I can definitively say I liked was S5. The plot was interesting, and I could form an emotional connection with it; the characterization was still decent (or at least not anywhere near as bad as in S6); a ton of cool concepts were introduced, such as the Cloud Kingdom, the Realm Crystal, and Nya being the Water Ninja, among other things; and I liked all of the new characters.

I also liked Day of the Departed, and S7 was decent, but S3, S4, and S6 were honestly terrible. S3 and S6 don’t need any explanation (as the only redeeming qualities are some of the new characters, as well as the last 10 minutes of E34 and TLR); but S4 was mostly just because I was having major issues with the fandom at the point, decided to take a break from it, and never got back around to watching it (as I only came back to the fandom as soon as the S5 hype train got rolling).

And speaking of fandom issues, boy do I have some. I hate how a lot of people in the fandom are extremely homophobic and/or transphobic. I hate how a significant chunk of the fandom ships Lloyd with the other Ninja, even though they’re all adults and 5-6 years older than Lloyd. I hate how a lot of those same people ship Nya with a man at least twice her age.

I hate how Morro is included in photosets of “all of the main ninja!!!!!” more often than Nya. I hate how some people in the fandom romanticize the way Morro abused Lloyd in S5. I hate how the entire fandom has a double standard when it comes to people who have done bad things: how if they’re young and conventionally attractive, they’re a ~smol pure bby~, and if they’re not, they’re the evilest scum to ever live.

I hate how nobody cares about the side characters. I hate how nobody acknowledges good friendships, only ships. And I hate how nobody thinks for themselves, thinks for even five seconds, before following along with whatever is popular.

The only reason I’ve stuck around this long - which will be five years in November - is because I’ve had just a bit of hope. A small, feeble hope - one that I could finally get a good ending, that I could finally be satisfied with the show. That I could finally watch the show because I want to watch it, not because I feel like I need to.

And that moment is finally so, so close - I can feel it in my bones. I’ve wanted to be able to escape for years, but I’ve never been able to; I’ve always been dragged back in. And now that freedom so close, that it’s almost here, I’m more afraid than ever that it’s all going to come crashing down.

And on top of that, I don’t really feel all that appreciated here. My meta posts get some attention, but only if they’re short. My music boxes get some attention, but Tumblr doesn’t let them show up in the tag, and thus they get far fewer notes than they really could/would. My fics get few reblogs and even fewer comments, because the “you should always reblog art and give good feedback to support the artist!!!!!!!” doesn’t apply for fanfic writers. And don’t even get me started on my theories, especially my Samurai X theory as of late; I put a lot of effort into those - to make sure that they’re hole-free, to make sure that they make sense, to make sure that they could possibly happen - and all I get is one or two comments from people who really appreciate the work I’ve put into it, and criticism from people who already have their minds set on whatever arbitrary explanation.

For all of these reasons, I really want to drop out of the fandom, or at least hibernate for a while. Most of the people from earlier in the fandom’s history - including lots of my friends - have moved on to other things at this point, mostly because they didn’t find it worthwhile to stick around. They’ve all been able to leave, but I’m still stuck here.

Which is why I’ve honestly resolved to drop out of the fandom after NS8. By that point, I’ll have gotten one of two things - either a good send-off for my favorite character, one that I’ve been waiting for for five years; or a final confirmation that this show no longer has anything to offer me. It doesn’t mean that I won’t like the show anymore, or that I’ll stop watching it - it’s just that there won’t be any reason for me to be active in the fandom, and thus I won’t do so as often.

So yeah.

[ummypm]

I’m finally coming back to life…here’s where I’ve been.

I hope you enjoyed those last days of summer and celebrating with sunshine, watermelon, and perhaps a cocktail or two

As much as I look forward to summer, I love when that crisp air rolls through and birds start their migration, indicating fall is on it’s way.

I want to start by addressing the elephant in the room. And that is that I haven’t really been around, much less written to you for a few months.

I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been doing so many exciting things, but the truth is, I’ve spent most of my time since May on the couch. Doing a whole lot of nothing.

I’m pregnant! 23 weeks along now, and our baby is due February 5th.

As some of you know my journey into motherhood has been a bit of a rocky road, so I’m actually telling you about my pregnancy before almost anyone else.

I’ve been keeping this close to my heart in part out of fear that something may go wrong. In part because I’ve been feeling like this is my own special secret. In large part because I’ve been so freaking sick I can’t even tell you!

We actually found out unexpectedly in our first week of a month long trip through Europe.

I was thrilled! And then….very very nauseas and sleepy.

So I gave myself permission to retreat for a while.

I only had the energy for the current clients I was working with, my family, and my body. Well…if eating a few saltines and sipping ginger ale counts as self-care

I’m not going to lie, it’s been hard.

While I’m thrilled about this new life I’m creating, I’d been so used to a “go go go” mentality, feeling stuck on a couch and isolated can cause some depression.

I feel like I’m finally coming back to life and wanted to share with you a few things I’ve learned and loved.

I’m not affiliated with any of these, just cool things I wanted to share. Maybe they can become tools for your toolbox as well.

1. Sometimes not doing anything is actually doing something. Most of our modern lifestyles either teach us to, or force us to, be on the move all the time. If our bodies aren’t physically moving our minds certainly are. I had to remind myself again and again that even though I felt like I was “not doing anything” I was actually doing some really important work…creating a baby.

Whether it’s creating a child, creating artwork, allowing a project come to life, or just vegging the F out because your body needs some time to chill, that is doing something.

2. Life ebbs and flows. I learned from Alissa Vitti of Flo Living just how different men and women’s hormones and bodies are. This should be such an obvious thing, but it’s not! Men’s hormones reset on a cycle of 24 hours. That means that men have the capacity to show up, day in and day out, produce, and shine like the sun. Women are on a (did you guess?) moonly cycle. Our hormones reset approximately every 28 days.

This means that when we try to show up to our life the same way as men, it often doesn’t work! We exhaust ourselves or get stressed out. There are times in our cycle where we may be more tired, moody, happy, productive, etc. If this is the case in a month I had to remind myself that obviously pregnancy was going to throw off my body and emotions quite a bit!

Props to my husband whom has really stepped up to take care of us, and put up with my mini tantrums. This is an ebb before the flow. Life has seasons. Roll with it.

3. Listening to podcasts, reading fiction novels, and a little fluff helps.When you’re feeling down, and especially when you have zero physical energy, a little fluff can go a long way. I watched every episode of Glee over again (which I indulged in during my first pregnancy!). I started reading fiction again, not just self-help. And I found a few podcasts that inspired me.

My absolute favorite lately was Yoga Girl’s “From The Heart” episode with Seal as a guest. Wow that man is inspiring! So much so that I made my husband re-listen to the episode with me when he got home. On a wellness/yoga based podcast I was expecting him to say some of the same stuff you hear regurgitated again and again, but what he said was so unique I was blown away.

4. Going green! While I’ve taken a slight step back in my business, which will continue over the next year or so, I’ve found my passion again for the environment and how that connects to our personal well-being. The thing is that us and nature are one. Really. What is good for the environment is good for us and vice versa.

I cleaned out ALL of our cleaning supplies and replaced them with just one cleaner, Branch Basics, which is completely non-toxic for our bods and the planet! Love this stuff! I did the same with my makeup drawer…it got a cleaning and replacement with more natural products. Think Dirty is an awesome app that can help you with this. I also decided I wanted to get out there and volunteer more for local environmental organizations. Meet new people and do something I deeply care about…a win all around!

5. Social media detoxing. I really haven’t thought of this as a detox. One day I just woke up nauseas, couldn’t bring myself to post or check any social media, and didn’t look back. At first this was tough because I felt like I “should” be posting, or “should” be keeping up with what’s going on with others, but then I realized if I wanted to do that I could just pick up the phone and call them, and that yes…alas…life will go on without me feeling like I need to post daily or respond to every single comment.

It’s funny how when you stop for long enough, you don’t miss it! At all! I started craving more real life connection instead. And it helped me start some good habits again. I resubscribed to the app HeadSpace and began meditating when I needed it, and started stretching for at least 20 mins in low light before bedtime.

So there you have it! I’ve been hibernating all summer but I’m slowly and quietly returning. I have my big ultrasound in two weeks but no…we’re not finding out the gender of our baby. It’ll be a surprise!

I’ll start writing a bit more regularly and sharing tidbits of free resources, things I love, and tools for your own love and happiness. I’m going about things differently this time around and will not be censoring myself as much.

Much love,

Alexis

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