#i want to eat fruit and play musical instruments and not be depressed

[nsk96]

Personal rant and maybe some trauma dumping. Saving for later when I see a therapist (I may have to see one in secret because my mom thinks I should wait until I get a job before seeing one because she thinks they’ll have access to my psych info and that will prevent me from getting a job😬)

I went to an appointment with a neurologist yesterday and he was confirming my symptoms and health conditions and all that. Literally going down a list and I answered truthfully to all of them. Then he asked, “any weight gain” (in the past few months) and I said no.

My mom jumped in and said “really?” In a sarcastic condescending tone (right in front of the doctor. I think even he was shocked). I was taken aback but I just repeated my “no” to her nonchalantly. I honestly hate her sometimes. It’s like she can’t go a single day without saying something negative about my body. Even when I brought her constant negativity up to her last year and she promised she would not make any more comments about my body, but she’s been back to it again the past couple of months. And she likes to say “I know you’re sensitive about your body so I try not to say anything.”

1) I haven’t gained weight. I may have been eating junk food (that she bought) for lunch lately but I’ve lost 3 pounds since May and continue to lose weight because I’ve been more careful how and when I eat. Like eating junk for for lunch but eating a balanced breakfast and nothing but veggies/fruit for dinner. She even said in the car ride to the appointment that she gained weight. So projection much?

2) I’m not sensitive about my body. It’s just that because of her, I hated my body for 22 years, and now at the age of 27, I finally am starting to love my body and feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want her to ruin the momentum.

Also just a side note: it’s no surprise that my dad didn’t even care about my reason for seeing a neurologist. When my mom told him that my ophthalmologist referred me to the neurologist, the only thing that came out his mouth was “I hope it doesn’t cost us too much.” Not once did he ask why I was being sent to the neurologist. Never asked what’s wrong.

And then today some more of the things I bought online arrived. I got a mini 8-key kalimba and a Sailor Moon music wind box. My mom of course tried to make it seem like they’re unnecessary and she was like “you’re not even going to use those things, you don’t have the time.” Why she got to shit on my parade? I’m finding things I like and enjoy and using these things pull myself out of the depression I’ve been in (since last December). And musical instruments is somewhat of sore spot for me. Not having the time to learn how to play instruments is not my fault, and it sucks that I always been drawn to it. Since I was 4 I was always dabbling with whatever instrument I could find and didn’t care what my playing sounded like. I just wanted to make music. But my brother was the one who got music lessons (which he hated and never appreciated) and we couldn’t afford any lessons for me. And that sits on my subconscious and resurfaces whenever I see an instrument. I think that’s one of the few things I was envious of my brother for. That along with the social privileges he had for being a son instead of a daughter.

I also find it funny that she acts like she knows what I would use. Lady doesn’t even know I bought toys…the other kind of toys, if you know, you know 👁👄👁

Honestly, it’s shit like all of this (as well as the things I mentioned on other rant posts) that makes me want to get my own place and cut contact once I get a stable pharmacy job. I don’t need my mom instilling her insecurities and outdated views into my future children and I don’t need my dad even being around them.

I wanted to move out this semester without my dad knowing. I would spend my days there and then sleep at home. Use the place to study and store healthy food and be able to personalize the space to finally feel at home somewhere. My school would have given me the loan for rent. My mom talked me out of it saying “let’s save the money. And if your father finds out about you moving out, he’ll cut you off and you’ll no longer be covered under his health insurance. We still depend on him for a lot.” Okay I understand that but I sure hope you don’t use that as an excuse to stay with him after talking big about how you’ll divorce him when I finish school. Honestly I want to get out now, I hate living this way. I hate how hard it is to eat healthy and to have to guard my food. I can never do food prep the night before because of him and my health is suffering because of it. My hair has been falling out even more and I have visible bald spots now. There’s only so much that vitamin supplements can do…