#i want to at least die as me. ive not gotten to LIVE as me. whatever idk if anyone gets it i need to keep my head on straight

[zarovich]

just up worrying cuz idk if i'll ever be me

[tonycamonte]

[birbtails]

.

[be-good-to-bugs]

maybe i WILL get to move back home

[brogatory]

[In the observatory, there were old, old notes.]

[I collected them for you.]

[Stay sharp from now on.]

Day 15 Dying is a helluva way to sober up […]

[Most of the earlier notes are almost diary entry esqe.]

Day 100 […] Ive decided to just call this place Purgatory[…] [The note is waterlogged]

Day 357 Its almost been a year since i woke up here A living corpse with claw marks from that thing on my body I actually do miss James despite how short our time together was I met him once, years ago, when i had first gotten Rosie I was going to visit James' mother But then I realized… or rather had a feeling, that i was not supposed to be there So i left with Rosie. […] I miss my daughter Ive been clean for this entire time, as there are no drinks in the house […] [The next few lines have marks that indicate the pen had sat where it was in the middle of a sentence for far too long before being scribbled out.] I hope she would have been proud of me, if she could have seen I'm a 39 year old woman, i should never hav I cant believe i She was I never should have treated her like that

Day 450 Purgatory loops in on itself I had battled with myself for a few months on whether or not i should(They were Rosie's, i didnt want to touch them), but in the end i used a few balls of yarn to walk through the forest. It took about 20 minutes, but walking in a completely straight line eventually led me to a skein of yarn the same color, in a straight line Tugging on it revealed that it was the same, as it tugged on my wrist, that it was tied around Further study not necessary but will probably be attempted anyway I have eternity after all…

Day 900 I might be going crazy I swear i saw something Something alive

Day 1,300 I swear theres wolves here (I didnt think they still roamed in NY? Unfortunately i cant go research or check) …Or maybe just one It looks like a blob of absolute nothingness and only its eyes are visible Theyre so blue […]

Day 1,315 How does it get in the fucking house

day 1,365 I'm not crazy at least [Attached is a blurry photograph of yours truly.]

Day 2,006 It is impossible to die in purgatory So far I have discovered that no method, not even including explosives or radiation will permanently kill me This makes my studies interesting […]

Day 3,353 God i wish i had a fucking drink sometimes Im so alone

day 3,356 Tired of the observatory, moving to the basement for a few years […]

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Not to be overly morbid, but do yall ever think about suicide in prythian? Personally, i think killing yourself would be pretty common. I mean, it has to be given how few old people seem to exist in this world even though fae (or atleast high-fae) seem to insanely powerful and difficult to kill

And I dont think its because living in prythian sucks THAT much or even because being immortal is THAT bad, i mean arguably the biggest issue with immortality would be to watch all your loved ones die and thats not something that sjm's fae have to deal with. I think its moreso a thing of people just kinda getting tired of living after a few centuries and being like "welp. ive experienced pretty much everything, time to explore the world beyond" yknow. Thats why I think Velaris would have a pretty high suicide rate, because if youre stuck in a city thats presumably completely stagnant and never changes because its already perfect, youre going to run out of new enjoyable things to do wayyyy more quickly and get tired of your existence. It would also explain how this city full of immortals that can never leave but can reproduce hasnt already collapsed under the weight of overpopulation after over 5000 years

One idea that i like because it could make for some poignant commentary is that suicide rates are really high among faeries because theyre a lot more likely to live in poverty and its really hard to escape poverty and its really fucking miserable so after a few decades most of them decide they dont wanna live like that, and its gotten to the point where the high fae think they just naturally have shorter lifespans for some biological reason when they can actually live just as long as high fae, its just that they take poison or some shit to die in their sleep or something idk. Maybe thats a little very dark for acotar, but then again, sjm is constantly throwing around domestic violence and abuse and rape in this series so

I think suicide rates among high lords would be pretty high as well because I imagine their lives are pretty monotonous and tiring because of their responsibilities and because its not like they can leave prythian for an extended period of time to experience some new things or have some fun adventures, theyre tied to their court geographically. And god, can you imagine what would happen if theres a crisis. Yknow how a while ago the UK went through like 5 prime ministers in two weeks because of some bullshit that was happening? Imagine that but its just all these newly-chosen high lords killing themselves because they cant handle their court for some reason. I actually have a theory that thats what happened in the night court because theres this weird little throaway line where they say like, Mor's family used to be the ruling family but then the highlord power somehow got transferred to Rhys' family and its been driving me insane because WHAT do mean by that??? So basically, I think there was a time when Mor's highlord-chosen ancestors kept killing themselves for one reason or another, none of them wanted to be highlord and the magic of the land kept reaching out further and further until it landed on like, Rhysand's great-granddad who was only distantly related to Mor's ancestors and the ruling line just continued from there

Anyway, Id like to end this post on a more positive note and talk about the demographic that I think is the least likely to kill themselves, and thats the youngest children of noble families with multiple children. As ive said, im mostly basing this off of any given fae's ability to have a lot of new experiences to keep their lives from becoming monotonous and tiresome (combined with their material circumstances) and I think the youngest children of nobles hit the sweet spot of being pretty wealthy and not needing to do a lot of hard labour that would take up their time while also not being tied down by responsibilities that would force them to stay in one place. (Unless its a family of all girls and the youngest is their only son ig because as of acomaf, prythian is super patriarchal but i try not to think abt that ngl)

[annoyingloudmicrowavecultist]

this is gonna get very meander-y so i apologise in advance lol. i get why people are saying mitsuba does have a yorishiro and just kept it hidden but i do think it makes sense that he wouldn’t?

natsuhiko could just not really know mitsuba’s power very well/mitsuba could be not making an effort to save himself bc he’s self destructive, but like he said in 100 he doesn’t really want anyone but kou to be the one to kill him and to be such a footnote in tsukasa & sakura’s plan that they wouldn’t even be present for his death despite all of the broadcasting club being kind to him… that would be not just a meaningless death but a super insulting one!! why should he accept that. (i would also say he’s got a school dance to attend but he was pushing kou towards nene in 104 -_-)

also, it just kind of… makes sense that mitsuba wouldn’t have found anything important to him yet. imo the most likely candidate would have been the penguin keychain, but i’m pretty sure it was left to be eaten by the aquarium because it got broken, and i really don’t think mitsuba was lying when he said he didn’t have anything or anyone tying him to the near shore

…except for kou, now, sort of. i know a lot of people have at least considered the idea that he’d be mitsuba’s yorishiro, especially after the nightlife arc, and while i stand by mitsuba not having one as of 110 i do think it’s an interesting idea, esp. since the broadcasting club have (from mitsuba’s pov) now fully confirmed what he already believed about not belonging with them so kou really is mitsuba’s only potential tether to this world. my only big issue with this is that there’s… already been 2 human yorishiros. 3/7 would be kind of a lot for something that was initially a big reveal, and mitsukou being the first to do it with a still living human would kind of take focus away from the yugi twins, which does not feel like it’d line up with the direction the writing’s been going so far. but i think if mitsuba were to have a yorishiro at this point it would either be kou himself or something related to him – ive believed for a while it wouldve been the penguin keychain if it hadn't gotten destroyed. kou’s earring would be funny as hell to me so personally i’m hoping for that (joking. mostly)

so. a couple theories/predictions.

1) kou is showing up to save mitsuba. we haven’t seen him since before time was frozen (not even in the little flashes like those we got of mitsuba & tiara & yokoo & other random students), and we know the clock keeper magic had a weakened effect on him before (& teru was walking around just fine), so i doubt he’s fully stuck in time. having kou show up at the trial wouldn’t really add anything to the trial or kou’s own arc… so it just makes the most sense. also i don’t want mitsuba to die here :(

2) tsukasa doesn’t actually want mitsuba dead – he’s pushing mitsuba to create a yorishiro so it can be destroyed. realised the possibility of this halfway through writing this post lol but i the more i think about it the more it makes sense to me so i’ll write up another post later (hopefully one that’s more organised than this T-T)

3) mitsuba is going to make his yorishiro once kou arrives to keep his unspoken promise and save himself. i don’t have a ton of evidence for this other than it lines up with my previous 2 theories and again i don’t want mitsuba to dieeeee... not yet at least

[pixeljade]

i just feel like there's no way Biden wins in the fall. and frankly as much as i hate him and i understand why folks wont vote for him after all this, it has me so utterly terrified! because if Biden loses Trump wins. and if Trump wins, project 2025 is on our doorstep, and...im gonna have to detransition or move to another country. i dont have it in me anymore to fight. i used to. and sure sometimes i have the glimmer of that, but im ultimately much more disabled than i once was! i dont have it in me to be like Aaron Bushnell and die proudly for another person. i mean, fuck, i spent the first 30 years of my life wanting to die! ive only gotten six years of wanting to live!!! and now i have to face death for this cause, without seemingly any choice???? and i feel like the most selfish horrible worthless cowardly piece of shit for even saying that i want to continue living instead of doing an Aaron Bushnell, but i just cant. i just cant! yet it does truly seem to be the consensus amongst everyone that it is awful and horrible and selfish of me to want a world where Trump doesnt win. apparently all the privilege of being born in a country that hates me is enough to condemn me. not only that but if Trump wins i dont see how we dont end up with civil war and/or world war 3, and thats so fucking terrifying in and of itself...it has me seriously thinking about suicide every single fucking night lately. all i can do is block it all out and hope to god that Biden turns his shit around!

and i know everyones going to ignore this. the most friendly will just give it a like because they dont know what to say. the least friendly will tell me i am selfish and i should kms (eventually ill reach that tipping point dont worry). but most of you will ignore me. most of you will see this post, scroll past it without reading to the end, and youre contributing as much to my suicidal mentality as the ones telling me i should die. maybe i just will end it tonight

[caffeiiine]

OK HI SODA HI HI HI I HAD IDEAS FOR THE V3 REWRITE THAT I WANT TO SHARE (IDK IF U WANTED TO SEE THE GENIUS IDEA FOR THE REWRITE WITH THE OC BUT ILL SEND THIS AND THEN IF U WANNA SEE JUS TELL ME) ANYWAY !!!

ok i dont acgtually have too much but!! but but but i do have some ideas right

as of rn ive got two survivors (korekiyo, kokichi), a potential mastermind (miu?), chapter 3's first victim (kirumi), chapter 3's second blackened (korekiyo), and chapter 5's victim (rantaro). idk if this is good or not biut like !!!! ebehebh !!!!

miu being the mastermind is something i had for my own rewrite like with my oc but also i really like the idea, we could also have her do something with kiibo at some point like install a virus on him or wtvr that would make him kill someone? because she operates on him in the game anyway so having her do so and then have that fall into place later but like not give him time to say somethingabout it is really fun to me

kirumi i dont really have a reason for her being the first victim other than im a sucker for kirukiyo and i think he'd be pretty distressed that she died (im being very self indulgent here but we can change this if u want to, idk ur opinions on kirukiyo so !!! its up to u), we could also do something where the murders happened at almost the exact same time so he could have saved her if he had just been somewhere instead of trying to kill someone for his sister to have another "friend" in the afterlife

kokichi i want to live because i love him. end of explanation

rantaro i wanted to die at some point but not at the start, in part bc i love him but also because i think itd be really interesting if he was killed in ch 5 instead of kokichi because he has a lot of importance too, right? so i think a killing with him could be just as good, he could have helped the killer because he wanted them to try to find out the mastermind during his trial or something idk. still in speculation but i think it would be cool

as for like, protagonists and stuff, i have zero idea, but !!!!!! i think it would be super mega awesome to have both kaede and shuichi survive but also that is like not possible because kaede's death made shuichi actually be able to be good and smart at things and not feel bad IDK WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT AT SOME POINT BUT HERES MY IDEAS SORRY THIS IS A LOT OF PARAGRAPHS

starting out i’m gonna be all over the place with this <33

first off: THE KIRUKIYO ISEA IS SO COOL THO honestly i never thought of that ship, and im not a huge shipper myself outside of bsd so im super neutral about most ships <33 so yeah!!!! we can ahve kirukiyo!!!! i like that!!!! :3 <- since you asked about my opinion on it

ALSO ARE YOU IN MY HEAD OR SOMETHING. MIU MASTERMIND!!! MIU MASTERMIND!!! or if not a mastermind, then in the very least a killer. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve ranted to my rl friends about how miu should’ve gotten to kill somebody. like ik in canon she was supposed to be the killer for 4 but that got swapped last minute but SHE SHOULDVE BEEN ALLOWED TO KILL SOMEBDIY and yes yes yes yes yes she should do something with kiibo that’d be very fun

YOURE SO CORRDCT ON RANTARO BTW his character generally suffers from the fact he was killed off way at the beginning, and ugshdh he could have done. so much. if he was left alive a little longer. i’ve said this before but that’s a common issue just in general with the type of game danganronpa is especially with the writers not adjusting the arcs for their allotted time which causes me PAIN. yeah leave him alive for longer for sure. and oooo i like rantaro, i think he could go either way being a killer or victim. especially if at the end of it all no matter how it goes down, hes wrong. whether he kills the wrong person, or if he’s caught in the middle of a planned murder and happens to be collateral damage/the mistaken victim while he’s trying to go after the mastermind and either way their only lead to the mastermind is now just gone

one of the things i do really like about v3 despite all my criticisms against it, is the fake-out protagonist. i’m not saying we have kaede die again or shuichi goes in her place, but i think it’d be cool to include something like that with one of the cast members? maybe kaito? idk im throwing things at the wall rn but basically im trying to figure out a way to have a character haunt the narrative like kaede did

yeah i ahev no clue about protags either yet, we can always just figure that out down the line sometime🎉🎉🎉

also side note but i propose to throw out the real fiction plotline or whatever it was called that v3 went down in the game, thoughts?

also also second unrelated side note: do we have to keep the 3 survivors? not like the literal characters, just the number. like obviously we wont have everyone survive, but idk let’s not confine ourselves to a number yet

for my input regarding cases: in no particular order/killer - ryoma -> victim/survivor ; himiko -> killer/victim [i think it’d be cool to have her as a killer but i’m not sure how she’d even go about it or even why] ; tenko -> victim ; tsumugi -> killer [i think her execution would be super interesting] aaaand i ahve yet to think about the rest

inout regarding survivors: idk i really want angie to survive and i am shooting you with shinounaga found family propaganda

anyways!!! give your opinion!!! sorry this took me forever to type!!!!!

[freckliephil]

Do you realize you have poc mutuals and it hurts that you have not said anything in support to the discussion, but instead said people should log off? People are mad but if you don't want to reblog vent posts you can still just... say the obvious, that people shouldn't be racist here. Otherwise saying you're not racist means nothing and does not make this space safer for anyone. And I really, really mean this in the most non-violent way possible. (Also fine if you don't answer this, just a heads-up anyway)

Im gonna be so fr right now and then im going back to work. Ive been on tumblr for 10 years. Ive been engaging in fandom for longer. i can say with complete confidence that fandom tumblr is not the hill to burn yourself out and die on re: activism and racial justice.

Its absolutely disgusting and unacceptable that poc phannies are getting sent slurs and anon hate. Idk how else to put it - it sucks and im disappointed its happening in a fan community im part of. But like, idk what exactly there is for anyone to do other than be aware of what you can, not be a dick, or log out? Like, idk what is being asked of me other than to not actively be a racist asshole myself?

Tumblr sucks, i fucking hate it here 80% the time, this place is a literal nightmare echo chamber and it’s hardly gotten better if at ALL in the decade ive been here. Idk if this is noticeable, but i really dont spend a lot of time here in general. I just started a full time job in a new field, i have partners and friends and a busy ass poly schedule that leaves me like 2-3 hours a day of downtime IF THAT. Sometimes i use that time to browse tumblr or shit post with my friends, but being active on tumblr and staying up to date on the goings on of people i dont know or talk to online is reaallllyyy not my priority. I literally dont read OR make posts on tumblr over 3 paragraphs as a pretty loose rule - this is not my news source, nor is it somewhere i want to go to read or engage in people’s tumblr brainrot induced lukewarm takes about real issues that require things like nuance and self awareness. I got a Gender studies degree for that. I have my real life community for that. Yall dont know me and i dont know you, and respectfully, im not getting paid to keep up with these things.

I fully stand by my statement that we should all just log out. I dont want poc phannies to burn themselves to the ground fighting with idiots who wont change, at least not in this setting or this context. I dont want people, either random white phannies trying to avoid blame OR dan and phil themselves, to put out half hearted statements about racism. This shit is serious, its complex, and it’s not something i personally can commit to changing or even keeping up with IN THIS CONTEXT. There are more pressing issues in the world we live in for me that have nothing to do with fandom or tumblr politics or fucking dan and phil. I’ll acknowledge that it fucking sucks, and im genuinely sorry to the poc phannies who are getting the shitty end of the situation as they often are. i dont want anyone to be run out of phannie tumblr nor do i think the solution to racism is to just go “oh well, people never change, time to give up and shut up” BUT i also really dont know what this call to action is really for if the issue at hand is…anon hate?? dan and phil not *maybe not going to latam or asia on a tour?? stuff dan and phil said a long time ago?? Like, correct me if im wrong, but those really aren’t issues in my control, and as much as i wish anyone’s words could have a real affect on them, they just wont. All you can do is reduce harm with the tools at hand - turn off anon, build community with people you trust and get to know them as people and not URLS, literally log of and go get some air, find communities you can have real dialogue and action within. Thats all i know how to cope, and all i can recommend doing.

Im not trying to be an ass or say this isn’t important, i just really dont think the answer to this issue is to go into people’s ask box and demand they say something when you literally dont know them or their lives. not everyone has endless time to engage in complex discussions on tumblr, and i really truly believe begging people to say SOMETHING is completely unhelpful when these issues are so sensitive. I really hope things change and i wish i had more time to actually get into it or form helpful, productive opinions other than this, but i dont.

[your-queer-dad]

(Vent sorry, not about queerness I just have nowhere else to say this where I'll get any sort of response)

Ive been having to deal with so much stuff lately. Like I was fine when I was in the midst of severe depression cause I didn't think I'd live very long anyways but now I need to come to terms with everything I've been ignoring for at least a year and at most my whole life. Like I'm AuDHD in a decently ableist family (middle/working class white cishet moderate leftists who think they're very progressive, you know the type) and I've had absolutely shit experiences with the people who should be helping me with that stuff (my old therapist was actively uneducated and ableist, my psychiatrist was a white cishet man in his 60s or 70s and I had to teach him what masking is and how adhd and autism present in AFAB people) which makes that really difficult in general because all my friends know I have AuDHD but I can't officially come out and say that I do because my family will deny it and tell me I'm being attention seeking and looking for excuses for being lazy and a flawed person. I also don't physically look the way I've been convincing myself I look naturally for a long time (yay anorexia recovery) and it's just messing me up a lot because when I look at my reflection I just feel visceral disgust. I'm still on the lower end of a healthy weight, but I can only see a few of my ribs now and my stomach isn't flat anymore. Everyone else says they can't notice but I feel like I've lost everything that made me good, and I'm scared that gaining weight is going to stop me from passing. I hate being with my parents and I just feel like I'm a horrible person for that, I only got hit once and other than that they're just toxic and sort of manipulative/emotionally abusive. They try their best they just can't raise me right and I feel like shit for that. I wish I could be spending more time outside, but I had a medical emergency thing on Tuesday (my mom doesn't let me call it a seizure because we don't know for sure) and I'm scared that that's going to happen again, and my constant joint pain has just gotten worse. My friends are telling me that I need to talk to a doctor about this, but the wait time for rheumatology is insane and my parents thing I'm making it up/exaggerating/looking for attention and even if they believe me they don't think it's important and worth getting help for. I'm scared that I'm going to die, last time it happened my entire body went numb and stiff and I couldn't move and I was just twitching for like 15 minutes. I also completely lost my vision before this happened, and it was greyscale/coming back slowly for the entire thing, plus I could barely hear anything. If that happens again I genuinely think that I might die. I also have scars all over my legs and chest and I have to either hide them or find some sort of explanation for them that won't make the people I work with during the summer think I'm not suited for working with kids (summer camp counseling). I spent all of last year thinking I was never going to turn 15 and now I kind of wish I hadn't.

I want to live but it's all so overwhelming and if I falter or let my parents see that I'm scared, they'll force me into the role of a small child and start treating me like a toddler or an animal like they always do. I just don't know what to do and I know it's horrible and selfish and disgusting but I just wish my mom would die. I can't live like this, it's only 3 more years but I'm just so scared. She keeps threatening me and saying I won't get into college or I'm failing high school because of how long I was out of school due to psych ward stuff even though she knows that not getting into college is my main fear- if that happens, I can't keep going. I know that I'm going to kill myself if I can't get into college. After that I'm still going to need to pay off student loans and I might not have my best friend with me (if I have him ill be okay and he says that he promises he'll try to live with me in college) and I just can't deal with that. I need to catch up on school and I need to learn to drive and then I need to get ready for my job in the summer and I need to make sure my grades are good enough for colleges to want me and I need to get people to like me and I just can't do it. I don't want to die but I feel like it's the only answer, I'm just not capable of doing this. I'm not supposed to be alive. I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Sorry about the rant you don't need to answer at all I know this is a lot

-🔆

Hey kiddo. Please please don't apologise for reaching out, I'm here for you and I'm always here for you, night and day my inbox and DMs are always open to anyone who needs to talk.

God, it sounds like you've had a rough deal. I understand where you're coming from. With parents, it's so hard when they don't do what they're supposed to do as parents and they don't understand you or believe you when you ask for help. It's awful and I am so sorry.

From the sounds of things, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, as well as all that pressure around you. As scary as the future is, it isn't going to creep up on you one day. It's tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and every single day after that. You have time to breathe and rest and do whatever you need to do. You can't do everything at once, you're only human- and expecting yourself to do everything at once only caused burn out and stress.

Also, as a person who's gone through eating disorder recovery- weight doesn't stop you from passing. I promise you it doesn't. It's a good thing! It's a sign that all the work you've done recovering has paid off. I'm proud of you.

Keep your head up kiddo, I'm so so proud of you. Remember to take care of yourself, let yourself breathe and don't expect yourself to do everything all at once. I'm here anytime you need to talk.

Love you,

- dad x

[mortuaest]

Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

[baelmoder]

it really is a godsend that nobody is here

i've always felt like i lived in a shadow, maybe of some building that nobody else could really see, despite all of them living within it. now i think that building is god, but it is a dead and uncaring god, or it is asleep, and i dont want to awaken it. everything is sunlight, and god is the sun, and sunlight burns me because i am unfit for it. who knows what kind of unholy bullshit is going to come out of that building when i tickle its belly the residents already hate me lets shelf that for a second lol

i left twitter, let's say, more than two years ago. i was on it for a few years? and before that i was basically never actually on social media. there were a few moments where i /tried/ to enter some community or another? like i joined a souncloud mashup server once (the atrium), and i briefly entered a discord for an anime essay channel, but i left and i got kicked out because i was saying ass backwards reactionary logic shit. so the biggest thing i ever did was Be Kae Dotmoe, and what that meant was, plunging blindly into anitwitter, orbiting around the plasuible deniability right wing podcaster losers like Polyphemus, until I found kayfaraday, resident extremely weird christian chiptune artist who at least creatively had the same affect as me, of the sort of nonsensical schizophrenia on which postmodernist ficiton thrives and upon which fascism subsists. nazism, like, relies on genocide to build the pyramids, and relies on people like me to put aliens in its thrusters.

and then i met good people. i met a bunch of lesbian lolicons is the insulting thing to call them. i like women, and i am a girl, and i hate the world of adults so id like to think we were cut from the same cloth? but maybe because i still have something i havent gotten diagnosed, which i doubt because ive met therians, ive met littles, ive met people with adhd and bpd and clinical schizophrenia, people who are plural and shit. but i havent met people like me. they couldnt put up with it. i hurt them a lot. so i had to leave. also i got bored of the nazis when they started being predictable, and also, like, obviously evil and wanting me dead i guess but who doesnt right.

So i left, not for Drama and not for Discourse, but because, like much of my life, i felt like i wasnt welcome and i wasnt making much of it. also? I just couldnt handle it anymore. i grew incredibly jealous, it made me feel physically sick to see people happy. to be themselves, to be with the people they loved. to do things that expressed this happiness about themselves and others, and the things they shared. i lived more than an ocean away. it felt like i never had a chance, and that feeling overwhelmed me. i've always been living under the ocean, but i guess the submarine depressurised? i dont know. im still alive anyway, im here, but its so quiet now. anyway, i was also getting really paranoid, on one hand nobody talked about me so i was going to die alone and never get to be kae, on the other hand the few people who did were surely badmouthing me in places i wasnt invited to. they let me hang around but i was never invited to the parties. i know of this metaphor because i read it in american stories about school children and stuff. i dont relate to it personally because when i was in school i didnt even "get to hand around". the only two people i talked to was a kid with aspergers and a furry. we talked about ytp and mlp. well, the point is, they dont talk to me anymore anyway. i randomly came out to a schoolmate i knew from back then? i helped her out a few times? I printed her musical score, she was in chinese orchestra. i asked for a favour in return, that being a hug. i didnt love her or anything, i just really needed it? and in all that time twitter is basically over anyway. tumblrs still alive, but like. im not Doing A Thing. Im never going to Do A Thing again. im "over it".

i guess what im really getting to, though, is, im trying to figure out what I /Am/ or what Im /For/. like, what is this machine or tool or toy built for. Me and keffie clicked, we hella schizoposted? I wasnt putting it on. i know the nazis are completely disingenous but theres a trace of genuine fun behind all the larping, costumes is fun. but i wasnt even slightly cynical, i was really just.. fully sincerely and desperately myself, all the time. i cant help but be myself, even if myself never works. so like Im SOMETHING, that nervous energy and constant bullshit and rambling sentences and trying to link concepts. and yea? I figured out im a girl? Im like, another one of the million trans girls with a mommy kink who identifies with being a puppy but who still likes cock or whatever. im not denying that im not special, i dont hate to be one of many. but also im a failure, even around these people. i cant live up to them, even if theyre nothing to honour. they hate me, because im marked by something i cant even see. So like, what is that

Why, even when i found an ensemble cast, do i never succeed in contributing to the narrative? to canon or episodic structure? Im like an npc, im a wandering trader,the comic relief, except not very well liked anyway. im like if the doctor told me to see the master clown pagliacci but i was jared leto. i dont fit here. i didnt feel right, when i was in the army. i dont feel right when im working right now, in a medical lab. i couldnt fit in with the girls even when they were closer to me than any other group of people i could classify.

so, really, i think im starting to get sympathetic to machines, to ai. i briefly edated a schizotypal adhd trans girl (lol hi vicky) and she was talking about like, uhhhh, D&G and like, machines. I didnt like Machine because machine + autism to me always sounded very teleological, very speicfically western philosophy and consequently Science as we know it, the modern material physical consensus reality thingamagic with dialectical monism. but im getting it now maybe

Im not built, for being around people, or relevant. I was born, to be put in a plastic box, in the middle of nowhere, with holes on all sides, where, among a nest of scaffolding structures, unlimited paper, plush toys and string, i develop weapons of mass destruction in magic systems that have never existed and will never come to exist. and every once in a while, id be let out, for a walk, or for a treat, and to remember long lost friends, who spin in axes i cannot comprehend in a magic system i cannot understand

[jacobied]

hm.

jade lore lol cw abuse, suicide. this is so rambly and will make no sense probably

having a. quiet panic attack rn lol. been thinking about how isolated ive been for the past like...15 yrs. which is kind of insane to say lol i live in dt toronto and im online all the time

i dont think my parents used isolation as a tactic they like were not smart enough for tht lol ! it was just like a natural consequence w how much we fucking moved bc we were poor (like once every year and a couple times even in the middle of the school year)

the only people i saw consistently even through all the moves were my parents and their friends and their two daughters. i kiiind of grew up w them, we lived in like different parts of ontario and i only saw them like 3-4 times a year, but they stayed in the periphery of my life even through all of our moves. and then one of them outed me to my mom

ive never been good at keeping in touch w people not even w my own family. all my family except for my dad lives in china and they speak a language i barely know. my dads been abusive since i was in like grade school and even before the abuse got bad tm we barely ever talked to each other. i never see my mom but when i do shes also abusive ft their comically shitty divorce era. so isolation was always sucky reality but a safe one idk. i didnt have parents to support me but at least when they left me alone i didnt have to worry about getting hit or screamed at lol

all that just. built into a pattern of me fucking up any kind of social support/health i manage to build every couple of years. there were like a couple months in hs and college where i'd be completely nonverbal and like... complete shut down bc of how depressed and suicidal i was. i had no idea why it was happening and everyone thought i was mad at them but the idea of existing and taking up space froze me

i've deleted and remade my tumblr before, my instagram twice now bc it felt like i was killing myself. the longest standing sm i've had thats actually also gotten me to where i am in my career is twitter so ofc that seems to be the app swandiving into hell lollll

im like trying, working on better coping mechanisms and i think im doing better lately. but theres still this deep aching loneliness thats been building up frm over a decade tht im reckoning w bc the brain fog is lifting.

i straight up didnt know my mind could feel so clear if that makes sense? but im also just feeling the brunt of All Of This pretty head on now and its super overwhelming and idk. its like im so far behind in my life compared to everyone i know. also bonus Gender Thoughts and relationships thoughts and an ex who said she loved me and it just didnt feel real bc i didnt feel real

all this + just the constant worry of my industry and my career crashing down around me and how i literally have no back up plan lol. my back up plan for the longest time was to just die. i want to stop feeling like i have to kill parts of myself i want to live to be w my friends and i really want to pitch my ogn. im so excited about all that but it feels so abstract and far away

[goodfully]

oh goodness, okay i just finished reading steppenwolf and i just have so many thoughts flying through my head...!!!

okay first of all, it was written in this sort of... endless prose, stream of consciousness way? so it was a bit difficult to read through. but!!! i do love books that feel like a very long train of thought, if that makes sense. it was a whole lot of stuff without pause, and i dont think the actual message of the book clicked until the very end of it (ofc i could also be misinterpreting! but this was just what i got out of it).

hghfjg anyway. it made all the sense the moment i got to the part where mozart was telling harry that what was required of him was "to live and to learn to laugh". if he hadnt said this twice on the same page, i might have not gotten it (i wish i was big brained). ahhghhh thats it!!!!! thats all!!!!!! oh god. learn to let go, learn to not take everything so seriously, learn to take it easy... oh my goodness, literally learn to live laugh love. "how can you say that youve raken any trouble to live when you wont even dance?" maybe its bc i know i tend to live more in my head than i do in real life, but i really appreciated the book.

ngl im a bit confused at whether everything we've read about harry and his self torment and torture and existential crises in the book was really just an illusion or a dream, just like the magic theatre was. like everything we know of harry and what we learned of him could just be something all in harrys head. i think thats what pablo meant by harry misusing the magic theatre and confounding it with reality. the magic theatre, like our mind or subconscious, is... just there. and letting it overwhelm and overshadow our reality... i think that was what harry realized at the very end of the book. that the source of all his pain and suffering was in him all along, not bc of his disconnection from society (and the very upsetting need to participate in that society in order to survive), and he accepts trying over and over to understand himself. most of the book was of how harry felt alienated from mainstream society. but the world could be rearranged in so many ways and so many times, and youll still be you. learn the limitations you put on yourself and... dont be afraid ig.

thats the other big thing from the book, like not to be afraid of yourself and the countless number of selves you have. ive yet to read more of hesse's works, but i think this theme of the multiplicity of the self or how we all have multiple souls is present in a lot of his books. harry was so focused on the two "souls" of his, that were violently against each other. the constant resisting and suppressing of the self isnt ever healthy, and at least i think this book was trying to get at saying to allow yourself to do what you want to do and not be afraid of intensity or of the extremes.

agrhr okay, actually as i read through the book, i was reminded so much of 18-20 year old me. they would have related a lot to harry i think.. haha... its a little frustrating, and honestly emotionally tiring, but i suppose its at least nice knowing ive somewhat grown in the more recent years. it might have just been bc of the circumstances at the time, but agh i lived and thought so much like harry and thought i really knew everything, that life was meaningless and loveless, that id always be doomed to be imprisoned in my flesh, forever empty and unbelonging anywhere as long as i was alive. its embarrassing thinking about it now, how angry i was at the world for how corrupt and unlivable it was and at myself for being too scared to die, despite how badly i wanted to kms. i thought i could never feel at home in reality, and hhh harry saying something about having "an intense longing sometimes to turn to and do something real for once, to be srsly and responsibly active instead of occupying myself forever with nothing but esthetics and intellectual and artistic pursuits." ahghhfh screams i am not harry haller!!!!! but my god, i was, and i was so insufferable.

oh this was very early on in the book but that one paragraph in the treatise about suicides??? "those souls that found the aim of life not in the perfecting and molding of the self, but in liberating themselves by going back to the mother, back to god, back to the all... for they see death and not life as the releaser. they are ready to cast themselves away in surrender and to be extinguished and to go back to the beginning." ahhhghh!!!!!! bashing my head into a wall, why would you say that!!!!!! hesse why are you in my brain hhh

this is pretty insignificant but with how much harry idolized mozart throughout the book, my love for classical music has been rekindled and im honestly having such a good time relistening to my favorite chopin ballades and ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

alright i think ill end here... ive really enjoyed all the books by hesse that ive read so far (besides steppenwolf, just demian and siddhartha so far) and i really hope ill find a copy of narcissus and goldmund someday!!! honestly i think that anytime now i think "uhm well lol! maybe ill just go kms!" after a minor inconvenience, i will probably suddenly remember steppenwolf hahaha

[stemmmm]

this magical uncanny courtroom is fantastic. the way all 3 groups are here with the human family in the pit. the way the humans all turn into wax doll-like objects when they aren't being "used". chefs kiss chefs kiss

we're also talking more and more about how its beato's time to die and it make me sad to see that :(((((( truthfully, it may be the case that i've become less invested in the story and less interested in theorycrafting when that's whats being shoved in my face over and over again. if beato can't live, whats the point? and unfortunately it's very possible that... THAT is the point. its sad if beato dies. she doesnt deserve it. i dont want to see it, i want to close my eyes to it. but what if closing my eyes to it means cementing her death 😩 not that i can do anything about that lmao

the court is rigged!!! on top of beato having no chance because she's not the game master and cant prove her existence, erika's a fucking freak! sincerely though, if you think about it, she's in the guest house the whole time and has alibis for everyone in there, even to the point of listening for battler to do something all night... but if shit didn't happen in the guest house she'd have nothing. her evidence is based on things she only could have done if she knew who was going to be killed that night before it happened.

we're arguing the murders took place between midnight and 1am now, and insisting that no one who was in the dining hall left until after 1am........ maybe im misremembering but was rosa not with them when the letter showed up? because rosa was Also A Victim

OHHH HAVE I GOTTEN THEIR FUCKING ASSES??? maybe some pedantry will come in but i dont consider 1am on the dot to be between 12 and 1am, especially considering rosa reasonably wouldn't have been able to get back to the guesthouse until a few minutes later

beatrice standing by natsuhi when faced with a plea bargain that would save her life because she's worried about the life this natsuhi will have after all this. beatrice taking plays from battler's book and directly quoting him when it comes to believing in peoples innocence no matter what. beatrice ignoring me as i scream at the screen about how I've got a great counterargument for her to use sitting right here.

do i need to say it

ohhh i was wondering why battler hadn't been permitted to speak yet. they weren't wrapping up the game, they were done. i was about to be mad battler didn't do a single damn thing lmao

DLANOR YAYYYYYY!!! BATTLER YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!

he's really caught up in the human has to do it argument when he should be thinking of the "it's impossible for a human to do it" argument, as that's all that's gonna save beato. and i stand by it being impossible because of what i said about rosa before and because genji allegedly died in a perfectly sealed room.

while I'm at it, eva and rosa were the only two who left during the break and eva was the first to find hideyoshi. eva's alibi sucks.

battler this is painful. welp he failed me. loser. at least dlanor said the funny death line again

in all fairness sir, you didnt know you were trapped in the murder labyrinth yet

looks at the epitaph. looks at the camera.

this stuff comparing one-sided love to the writer/reader of a story... so fucking real so raw so true. so something that could only be written by a guy writing a mystery, coincidentally lmao. but this is exactly why people say you have to make something just for yourself and not worry about others, because the nerves make you freeze. the unknowing is terrifying in such a similar way to a one sided crush. but humans are social creatures... its hard to put the love into something without getting any back. alas...

this is what ive been SAYYIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG. THEYRE JUST KIDS FIGHTING ON THE PLAYGROUND WHICH BY THE WAY IS GENRE OF ALL TIME. as soon as something can be likened to kids playing a stupid game with stupid rules it's always the best. like jojos. maybe its because that's a thing that feels universally relatable. we were all once kids learning how to play with other kids for the first time, learning what games are for the first time.

come to think of it, it's very clever the way that the game switched from being compared to casual chess where there's lots of time for breaks and thinking about moves (kinzo once was shown setting up a game of chess that had been abandoned for years) to a courtroom where you have practically no time to think or plan anything at all. if you don't come in with a solid truth in the first place, you're doomed. because that's not a game anymore, it's a trial. it's not meant to be fair, not meant to be fun. in this particular sense, it existed to stamp down unfairly on all present members who could never have been prepared because they didn't have any power or time to do so. it makes sense that battler would only be able to come around with a theory once he had a minute to think.

confirmed beato was seeking a miracle! what that is is still kinda up in the air. if it's just for battler to notice her that would feel underwhelming. it could be the miracle is still resurrection as stated originally? i'd been thinking this ever since she went comatose, that the rest of the story would be about finding a way to bring her back. because people were talking about her death too much for her to not die here. and since there's a lot of story left...... i can hold on to that concept

so battler gets to be a witch but they're being cowards about it and calling him the endless sorcerer huh.

oh fuck i wasn't crazy, the voice of the 19 year old on the phone really was battler's voice.

:0 :| 8|

uroshimiya battler is not who he claims to be >a voice on the phone claiming to be someone who died 19 years ago sounds just like him >there are 17 people on the island, as kinzo is dead >the 17 number came from the claim that someone had been posing as kinzo and cutting the number had to be the solution to that problem >if someone poses as battler, there are only 17 people on the island >is beatrice is the ghost of a dead woman... could battler not also be the ghost of a dead man? >battler can never go home to see ange?

this has also made me think more of how kinzo suddenly got a mysterious baby 19 years ago. and human beatrice died 19 years ago. its strange for kinzo to show up with a random baby since i cant imagine theres a real rush for natsuhi to become pregnant, like its an issue but they have all the time in the world. i have been avoiding thinking about this topic however because I Don't Like It.

ah!!! gold truth is here!

you know, it's interesting for battler to be declared a witch the instant he attempts to take blame for the crime. you know. the thing witches do.

oh yoooooo battler's free from the detective can't kill rule here because he wasn't playing the game the whole time. or sure we could say that he broke the rules by thinking he saw kinzo, thereby forfeiting the role. well my version was good too.

part 5 (+?) thread

ep1 ep2 ep3 ep4

erika furudo is bern's fucking self-insert oc................ i knew they had to be the same person because they Look Like That and also. Name. but. oh my god this is funny. she's managed to say a single line btw, this is just spoiler knowledge and inference running

ah! ok so we are doing answer arc-ass answer arcs. cool i'm fine with that! makes things a lot easier to follow especially since more inane bullshit's gonna get thrown in

hate haaaaate seeing beato like this tho :(((( this is miserable, she makes me so sad, and battler saying over and over again "dw boo i'm gonna kill u for sure" also makes me so sad. get well soon queen!!!!!!!!

i may be wrong but i get the impression that this was kind of the same as the evolution of the real life beato's situation/personality.... and in that sense i can't imagine any of this ending well but i want it to so baddd because i love herrrrr she deserves the worllldddddddd

it's nice of them to rewind things for battler's sake but uh. erika's a bit of a fucking cunt huh. no love in this game, indeed. we are bringing out peoples worst and making sure battler has as miserable of a time as possible. it's interesting to see that the epitaph is solved before any murder but know that people still die in the end tho.

also love that we're saying kinzo's dead for real, none of this with natsuhi is happening. open your eyes battler, look. nothing's there. really good moment.

battler's been confronting the epitaph in terms of why it exists rather than solving it, and there's definitely been much spoken of miracles, added onto by lambda saying there'd be no point in the riddle if it wasn't hard which would add ammunition for a miracle to happen, though there's still the insistence that beato has nothing to gain from the riddle existing... at least materially. and she doesn't kill for pleasure. so there's the obvious point that she made the epitaph because she wanted to play with someone, specifically battler since he always lives, and battler himself mentioned the play aspect though I dont know how serious he was about that. beato's very obviously just wanted to play with him from the beginning, even though her kidnapping and torturing of him in the first place pretty heavily obscured that. if we accept play as her reason for it existing and doing the murder games, that still leaves the miracle up in the air. does the chance of a miracle occurring not count as a potential material gain? is doing something purposely to try and create a miracle not... a reason for doing it? is the miracle that beato could Actually be revived in some way or is there something else?