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dangerouslyallaboutdraco · 4 years ago

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Astronomy Project

A/n: Set during 3rd year, PoA, during the middle/beginning of the year when there isn’t anything to disrupting happening.

Astronomy was usually a pretty good class. There was always excitement when you got to go out after dark on a Wednesday.

Today it was more information about star movements that Professor Sinistra was teaching but a lot of your time was spent staring off into the glow of the night sky.

“And lastly, we’re going to be doing group projects. There will be four people in a group and you are going to have to research, almost like an experiment where you observe the stars every week for 2 months.” The professor said and you look to your best friends, who you were sat near, quickly. This was an opportunity you’d not yet been given in Astronomy and one you hoped you could make the most of by picking your own group.

There was a flicker of hope in their eyes as they looked at each other. “I’ll be picking the groups.” A sigh of disappointment was heard across the room and your shoulders slumped. “Hush, hush. The first group who will be taking the movement of Jupiter, Y/l/n, Malfoy, Thomas and Brown.” You couldn’t keep the disappointment off your face, the one chance you had to work on a project for Astronomy and you couldn’t do it with your friends. On top of that, you had to work with Draco.

There wasn’t a history between the two of you, you just didn’t like him much from all the rumours you’d heard throughout the three years you’d been at Hogwarts. As for Dean and Lavender, you were friendly enough with them.

While Professor Sinistra was telling the rest of the class their groups, you were preparing for the worst.

Five minutes was all the time it took for you to be sat next to your group, hoping for some miracle that could put you in a different space-time continuum where you got to pick your group.

“Maybe we should meet tomorrow at the library to discuss how we’re going to do this?” You suggest to the group. Everyone else looked just as bored as you felt.

Dean and Lavender nodded at the idea and Draco huffed.

You look over to your best friend, sitting with another group, with an ‘Avada-Kedavra-me-now’ look and she returned it. This was not going to be a fun week.

“Alright, I hope you’ve made some plans. Class dismissed.” Professor Sinistra said and you almost jump up from your seat to leave.

“So we’ll all meet at the library tomorrow before classes? We’ve got a study block.” Lavender asked, noticing Draco’s obvious distaste to the rest of the group, hoping he’d agree to participate and not be a dick about it.

You and Dean both nodded, looking over to Draco. “Yeah, fine.” He finally agreed and the group went their separate ways.

Seeing as it was late in the evening you left to your common room, chatted with your friends for a while before going off to bed in dread of the next day.

The next morning you skipped breakfast, opting to do a little bit of research in the library instead before everyone else turned up. You flicked through a few books about Jupiter and it’s movements.

Suddenly there were books slammed down on the table in front of you, making you jump in fear before looking up at... Draco.

He looked down at you with his eyebrows raised and his lips drawn into a line. His hair looked as it did last night, maybe a little tidier but his face was still as pale.

“Hey.” You said not really know how to talk to him.

He looked somewhere in between bored and nervous. “You weren’t at breakfast.” He noticed making you furrow your eyebrows at the fact Draco Malfoy noticed you.

“I wanted to read up on what our project was about.” You explained, still not sure why he was asking and why you were telling him. But there was something about him that made you not want to ask why he asked.

Instead of standing, he sat down on the chair across from you and opened a book. You watched as he read through his notes.

A few minutes later Lavender turned up and then finally Dean. You spent the morning working on the plan for the project, a plan which included dividing up all the work. Lavender and you were tasked with going up to the astronomy tower that night to observe the sky.

“So, we have the rooster and we’ll just follow that for the rest of the time we have to do this.” You said, showing the rest of the group the schedule you’d jotted down.

There was a collective agreement before you all went to your separate classes.

It had been three weeks and once again you found yourself bored in class, thinking about going up to the astronomy town tonight with Dean.

Classes seemed to be taking a long time but you finally made it to lunch, taking a seat next to your friends.

“Y/n.” You turned your head at Lavender calling your name. “Dean’s not feeling great and I have to have to help decorate a banner for the quidditch game tomorrow.” You nod at what she’s saying before realising what it means. “So, you can go with Draco tonight?” Probably the last thing you wanted to hear, you weren’t meant to have to go with Draco until the 5th week.

“Yeah, of course.” I should get points for this team commitment You thought while you agreed.

Now the rest of your afternoon classes were filled with dreading this evening. It was going to have to happen but at least if everyone kept to the schedule you would have had another two weeks to prepare mentally.

Finally, around 9, you walked up the stairs of the astronomy tower with your parchment, quill and astronomy book in your hand. You found Draco already sitting there, looking up at the sky.

You hadn’t seen him since Charms class but as the moonlight danced across his face he looked peaceful.

“Hi.” You said, trying to give him your best smile but honestly, it had been a long day after you failed a quiz on undetectable poisons and Snape yelled at you.

There wasn’t a lot of work you needed to do, just look over the map of the sky you had started the first night and trace the new location of Saturn onto it.

“Are you alright?” Draco asked as he continued to stare at you.

His question confused you, the thought of Draco being able to read human emotion really sent your head spinning.

Silently, you nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay.” In your head, you were debating asking why he asked, “Why’d you ask?” It finally came out.

“You just look...” He trailed off slightly, was it possible he didn’t want to offend you by using the wrong word. “Upset.”

The fact he could read how you were feeling was an even more concerning revelation. He stayed seated, watching you. Feeling awkward standing, you sat next to him.

Something about his now caring eyes made you want to tell him all your problems. “I just didn’t know 3rd year would be so difficult.” The perfect thing to say that didn’t disclose too much information.

“Potions?” Your eyes flicked to meet his quickly, concerned about how he knew. It wasn’t that people didn’t know, you just didn’t want Draco to laugh at you.

As you nodded at him, he smiled. Now that was something you didn’t see much. “I was waiting to talk to Snape, I didn’t mean to hear.” It almost sounded like an apology.

“It’s alright, just don’t tell anyone, please.” You rush out, a little concerned.

His face changed to looking worried. “I wouldn’t.” He seemed the type to. “You know, if you do need help, I can tutor you or something.” The generosity in his voice was out of character but charming.

“It’s alright.” Again you rushed out your reply. Maybe it was that you were nervous around him but maybe it was that you feared him a little.

He looked almost... sad. “Okay, should we get this done?” He asked, switching the conversation.

“Yeah.” You agreed, getting up and starting on the work you had to do. It only took about 5 minutes before you were walking down the stairs, splitting off from Draco with a ‘goodbye’

Another 2 weeks had passed before you went up to the astronomy tower for your project again. And you knew Draco would be there.

You left your common room a little bit earlier and made it to the astronomy tower before Draco was there so you sat on the ground with your feet dangling over the edge of the tower.

It was something that had always thrilled you, the fact that as amazing as magic is if you were to jump it probably couldn’t help you.

“What are you thinking about?” A voice you definitely recognised interrupted your concentration. Whipping your head around, you saw Draco standing there with the sky map and a quill in his hand.

His hair was slicked back in a middle part which is how he was wearing it there days. The way he looked at you with those sparkling blue eyes was such a difference from his usual personality.

“Not a lot.” You replied. “Just life.”

“Philosophical.” He quipped, making you smile.

“Not really, wanna get started?” You ask, getting ready to stand up.

Instead, Draco walked over and took a seat next to you. “Why don’t we just sit here and talk?” He asked, much to your surprise.

“What do we have to talk about?” You had to ask, even if it came off as a bit rude.

He shrugged. “Why you hate me.”

His statement caught you off guard, making you do a double-take to look at the upset look on his face. “I don’t hate you.” There was still a frown on his face. “I’ve just heard things about you and I’ve heard things you’ve said.” You mumbled out.

His face fell even more and you wanted to fix it but you didn’t know how. “I’m sorry.” You told him. “I don’t mean to judge you.”

“It’s okay.” Draco cut you off before you could continue. “Should we get this done?” He asked, standing up and offering you a hand.

As soon as you took his hand you noticed how cold it felt, and those silver rings were even colder.

Once he helped you up you got started on the project. It only took 5 minutes but being up in the astronomy tower with Draco was a nice feeling.

Somehow you had both ended up sitting in the astronomy tower and talking for another half hour.

“That first time in the library, you worried about not knowing enough, weren’t you?” Draco asked after a while, somehow he just knew everything.

Your eyes meet his again. “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I’ve been in the same situation...” He mumbled, staring past you and into the sky.

“I just wish reading up on stuff could help me in potions.” You said with a sigh, over the past two weeks the class had only gotten worse and you really couldn’t keep up at this point.

“You know, I can help you out.” Draco offered again but now that you’d sat with him you didn’t feel so horrible about it.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” He shook his head. “Okay then, tomorrow in the library?”

He nodded quickly. “I didn’t think you’d agree but yeah, I’ll see you after dinner.”

Sitting with Draco in a library was the last thing you expected to be doing on a Thursday night but here you were. It was quiet as usual and there were only a few other groups which you were thankful for, too much attention while you sat with Draco could only be bad, your friends had already had expressed their concerns about it.

You’d taken up a whole table with your books, parchment and quill and Draco was sitting next to you with his blonde hair looking as perfect as ever and those dreamy eyes.

“How do you get all of this?” You asked, feeling hopeless about an hour in.

Draco looked over with a smile, sliding a book in front of you. “Well, I am Snape’s favourite.” He joked, letting you laugh. “I guess I just understand it. Don’t beat yourself up about it, though. I’m sure there’s some class you’re really good at.”

You turned your head on the side, that probably wasn’t true. “I guess I like astronomy.”

He nodded. “So you were probably really disappointed with the groups in the project?”

“Yeah, but I think the whole class was.” You told him and he nodded in agreement.

Finally after about 3 hours of joking around and Draco helping you understand what Snape had been saying the whole time. You packed up your stuff quickly and walked with Draco out of the library.

There weren’t many people in the corridor so you walked together for a while before he asked, “Do you maybe want to hang out down at Hogsmeade this weekend?”

“Is the Draco Malfoy asking me out?” You quipped back, smiling as you look up at him before he frowned and you realised you might have come off as joking too much.

He nodded. “Yes, and will you accept?” Maybe it was mock confidence but it showed you he wasn’t going to back down.

“Yes.” You smiled before walking off to your common room, more excited about Saturday than you ever have been.

“So where do you want to go? I was thinking Scrivenshaft's because I want one of those new quills and Honeydukes of course.” One of your best friends asked, rambling about the different places.

Awkwardly, you looked over to the blond Slytherin boy, standing with his own friends in casual clothes. “Actually, I was going to hang out with Draco, is that alright?” You squeeze out, feeling awkward.

“Okay, but we’ll talk about that later.” She said with stern eyes which made you laugh.

After they had let you go, you walked over to Draco and waited until his friends had left to tap him on the shoulder. “Hey, you.” You said with a smile that he returned.

“Hey, ready to go?” He asked, up close you could see the amount of work that he had put into his hair and it almost made you ask yourself if he was nervous. Not that it had been much different in your room this morning as you attempted to pick out an outfit.

“Sure.” You said, looking around to see just about everyone had left which made you feel less nervous about everyone watching you on what was basically your first date.

With the same, possible faux, confidence Draco took your hand in his and held it as you walked.

You’d done the walk to Hogsmeade a few times before but this time, with Draco every part of the walk seemed prettier and you chatted about classes and your friends. Much to your surprise, it didn’t even feel awkward.

“Let’s go to the three broomsticks?” He said, sort of as a question as he sought your approval.

“Yeah, of course.” You agreed, squeezing his hand to comfort him.

Two butterbeers, a table in the corner later and you were talking about how much better your grade in Potions had gotten. His supportive smile did make you smile back at him. And maybe it was the dimly lit room, Draco’s kind attitude or the nerve you had lost but suddenly your hand was on his across the table.

He was a bit taken back and his hand twitched a little but eventually settled, holding your hand in his like you’d seen people do in the movies.

For two hours you sat together, just holding hands and talking. It wasn’t what you usually spent time during Hogsmeade trips doing but it was nice. Being with Draco was nice and nothing like you expected it would be.

“Do you want to go past Honeydukes before we have to go back to school? I’ll get you whatever you want.” He offered, noticing the time on his watch.

You nodded while getting out of your seat. “Yeah, but you don’t have to buy me things.”

“Seriously, I want to.” He told you as he laced your hands together again and you walked past some other students and out of the Three Broomsticks.

You passed a few students from your year on the way to Honeydukes and they all looked at the pair of you with eyebrows raised.

Finally, you got to Honeydukes and, as usual, you had to spend a few seconds admiring the wonderful shop. From the light green shelves to the glass jars full of candy, you were never not amazed by the store. Even the vibe of excitement between students over picking what candy to get was enchanting.

Draco noticed you’d stopped and looked over at you. “What’s up?” He asked, a little concerned.

“Sorry.” You quickly apologised, snapping back into reality. “This shop just does something to me.” He chuckled a little at the look in your eye and let go of your hands, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and pulling you into his side. It felt good to be so close to him, close enough you could smell the cologne he usually wore buried in his clothes.

He didn’t comment on it, instead letting you look at the candy as he led you around.

“Okay, what’s your thing?” Draco asked a few moments later.

You didn’t even need to think about the answer. “Pink coconut ice, always.” There was so much confidence in your answer.

“Alright so pink coconut ice, exploding bonbons and tooth-splitting strong mints,” Draco told Mr Flume, the shopkeeper you had come to love.

Once you got your candy you took it outside to sit on a bench. “I can’t believe I’m on a date with someone who likes exploding bonbons.” You said, rolling your eyes at him as he put one into his mouth. They were seriously not something you enjoyed.

“What? They’re so good.” He exclaimed, looking concerned for you. “Here, try one.” He said, picking it up and putting it near your lips.

You shook your head but his constant smile made you part your lips and he put it into your mouth. Inside your mouth felt like it was on fire, with a weird mix of acidic flavour and slight pain.

The urge to throw up was strong but you resisted it, swallowing down the ‘sweet’ as to not make a mess. “That was so gross!” You exclaimed, hitting him on the chest.

He laughed at you and it made you smile after the distaste was obvious on your features.

“Now you owe me some of this,” Draco said as he put a hand into your bag of coconut ice to get a piece.

“What? I can’t feed it to you?” You quipped as he put it into his mouth, that remark made him smirk.

And he didn’t have a comment for that but let’s just say that the rest of the project was much more enjoyable

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tahanismoved · 4 years ago

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Hi! Hi! Hello!

[crowd continues to cheer]

Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that’s very nice of you, thank you.

[cheering fades away]

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That’s so nice of you, I hope you’re having a good week, thank you for being here! I, uh, am doing well myself. In a couple days I’m gonna turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen.

[light audience laughter]

I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible!” [slowly turns head with shocked expression to pantomime someone looking at him walk by] [audience laughter] “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”

You ever seen on “America’s Most Wanted” when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like “This is what he would look like now” [puts hand in front of him as though he were showing someone a picture]

[audience laughs]

I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. But what’s nice is that… some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

[audience laughter]

Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite [holds up one finger] and giant anvils falling on you from the sky [holds arms slightly away from body and looks up]

I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?” [audience laughs]

[John turns head sharply to the side] Now I’ve gotten older, and not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I’ve never even heard about it! No one’s ever been like, [slight Brooklyn accent] “Ey, if you’re comin’ to visit, take I-90 ‘cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. [moves hand in circular motion] Looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink into it.” [lowers hand to gesture sinking]

[audience laughs]

I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. A lot of guys my age I’ll hear them say this, they’ll go, [slightly lower and slurred voice] “Every day I think I’m becoming more like my dad”. I think I’m becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show “Access Hollywood” and one of the reporters said, [switches mike to other hand and imitates facial expression and voice of a reporter and bobbles head while speaking] “Up next, we’ve got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock’s former husband Jessie James,” and out loud, I went, [slightly higher and harsher voice] “Euch! This oughta be good!”

[audience laughs and John nods curtly]

That’s pure mom.

[a little more audience laughter]

My parents are both lawyers, they are BOTH lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said “Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?” and I said, “Yes”, But here’s the thing. [light audience laughter] [John smiles mischievously] I hadn’t.

[quickly turns head with serious expression] But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything. So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush [raises his arm up by his head as though holding a toothbrush] He says, “John, is this your toothbrush?” and I said “Yes”, and he said, [moves hand with emphasis with every word] “So we agree that this is your toothbrush?”

[audience laughs]

But he said, “John this toothbrush is [looks down and looks up quickly] bone-dry.” Yea, like he looked down and he said [looks down and looks up quickly] “bone-dry”. [audience laughs]

He said, “You lied to me!” and I said “Dad, [holds up a finger] I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight! [points to the side slightly behind him] And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself.”

My mom’s also a lawyer, she was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids. My mom was more like Nancy Grace. She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick. [audience laughs]

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. [dramatically turns head to the side while smiling] That is true.

I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, [vibrates head dramatically on italicized words and speaks in a slightly higher and more frantic voice] “I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris”

[turns on his heel and takes a couple steps to the side]

Like I had something to do with it! I was like, [defensive tone] “Mom, I have been here all night. You can feel the TV, it’s warm.” Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12.

[audience laughter]

My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was [hushed tone] in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.

[return to normal volume] And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. I was just talking to my mom the other week, I found out that when I was 10 Veronica was 13.

[audience laughs as John wears a confused expression]

So why was she in charge? All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could.

13 when I’m 10? That’s just like hiring a slightly bigger child. That would be like if you’re going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog.

[audience laughter]

Like, [turns head as though looking up and a horse and holds out hand as though holding a piece of paper] “All right, here is the number where we’ll be, [maintains eye contact with imaginary horse and moves hand to gesture lower to the side] and here’s where we keep the dog food, [moves hand up to pet imaginary horse] and you’re a horse.” [audience laughs] [John continues to move arm in dramatic sweeping motion to show petting the body of a horse] [hushes horse] “Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh”

[turns towards audience and lowers arm] Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ll go, [mimes petting a large animal] [speaks in soft voice] “Hey, shh shh shh…” [turns sharply to face audience with a cheeky expression and bobbles head, speaking in a matter-of-fact high pitched voice] They’ve never spoken.

[as the audience laughs, John walks slowly to the side]

I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid, I’m so excited that I get to live in New York. I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It is a sequel, [audience starts clapping] Yeah, how about that movie? [audience laughs lightly]

It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone.

[starts speaking in a hushed tone] I remember in that movie��— oh, the kid in Home Alone 2. He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, [turns head upwards and outstretches arm and yells] “THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!!”

[light audience laughter]

Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, [turns head to the side with dubious expression] but that is a stupid movie title. [turns head sharply] Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?

[turns head with condescending expression and tone of voice] I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [aggressively] I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, [imitates a “ghetto” manner of speaking and voice with increased volume and paces back and forth quickly] “You seen this shirt? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shirt? It’s a grid system, motherforker! [audience laughs] [John raises his eyebrows and whips his head to the side and begins speaking more rapidly] Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bench!!”

[audience laughs and applauds]

[John returns to his normal voice and demeanor and raises an arm in a sweeping motion]

That’d be my big joke. That’d be the closer. If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [weakly holds up a finger] But alas, I was not.

[turns head after every comma] I think the bullying that young people have to go through now is really rough, I really sympathize, ‘cause I was bullied when I was a kid. When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. Aaaand, the biggest problem with that… is that I am not Asian-American. [presses lips together tightly]

[light audience laughter]

But when I was younger, [turns head quickly and says while laughing] and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian-American. [turns head with serious expression and holds his hand at eye level] I have pretty thin eyes, I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid [sweeps hand down from top of head to eyebrow then moves it straight horizontally] and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut. And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.

On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend — he met me the first day of kindergarten — he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” [audience laughs] [John smirks and sways his head with swagger] And that was me.

Kids would make fun of me in middle school. Kids would call me a “china man”, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest. [audience laughs] That is just pushing two words together, [dramatically shakes head with eyes closed] no work was done there.

[speaks in an incredulous tone] It was very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese, no one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing that anything else. [light audience laughter]

Here’s how bad it got, though… I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there is a moment where they [pantomimes hitting something with his arm] bang a gong, and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me, [places hands together and bows deeply] and bow like that. [audience laughs] Which is some racist-ass bullshirt, but also [turns head with impressed expression] incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM [moves hand with emphasis on each word] and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street [points to the side and then dramatically moves point towards the audience] I will cross to the other side of the street. [moves pointing finger with emphasis on each word] Because 8th graders will make fun of you, [changes point into an “okay” with his hand and continues to move it for emphasis] but in an accurate way.

[speaks with a spiteful tone and expression] They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, [uses high obnoxious voice and shuts eyes while doing a goofy dance] “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [sharply turns to side and points with alert and mocking expression] Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!”

And I’m like, [John moves to side where he was pointing and screams in a high but gravelly voice while shutting eyes tightly and moving fist and upper body down in unison for emphasis] “No!! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!!!!” [audience laughs] [John straightens up and turns to the side and pouts]

[John returns to regular demeanor and expression and paces the stage in silence for a moment, smiling at the audience occasionally]

When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone, because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a [stands up on tip toes and makes voice slightly higher] little flute! [audience laughs]

I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. And — [audience laughs] It is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video… that’s like when your gram would be like [narrows eyes and covers upper teeth with his lip while bending over slightly, yelling in a high obnoxious voice] “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” [turns to the other side] and you’re like, [holds hand out in exasperation and narrows eyes while bending over slightly while yelling in a rude manner and shaking head slightly while speaking] “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.”

[John straightens up and audience laughs]

[looks an audience member in the eye] You know how you talk to your grandma? [turns and holds up hand at about shoulder height] So… [John freezes his pose for a moment while waiting for audience to finish laughing] [lowers hand to side and turns slowly] I was on the phone with Blockbuster, and I’d called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie, and I called for a third time. I said, [holds up hand to ear to pantomime holding a telephone and speaks in a very high nervous voice] “Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet,” [returns to normal demeanor] and the guy at Blockbuster went, [holds up other hand to pantomime a telephone and speaks in a very low aggressive gravelly voice while shaking head and hand for emphasis] “Hey lady! I’ll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!!”

[returns to normal demeanor] But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady, I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist ashole that works at [mockingly] Blockbuster video, talking to me like I’m some floozy… [with confidence] I am a proud Asian-American woman [audience laughs] and you will treat me with respect! [audience applause] I am a tiger mom!

[turns towards audience with dramatically serious expression and tone of voice] Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uhh, I do. [nods] When people get mad at me now, it’s my fault, when people get mad at me on the highway that’s all my bad, I’m a terrible driver, I know nothing about cars. [regretful] I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot. [audience laughs lightly]

Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever. Unless you’re like, uh, [turns head side to side as though looking for someone while pointing behind him with his thumb] “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about The Cosby Show?” and then I could be like [hunches over slightly and walks with swagger with a comically “mature expression” and low voice] “Oh, perhaps I could be of some assistance.”

I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, [colloquial yet condescending tone] I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. [audience laughs] I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! [audience laughs]

I was on the highway in Texas recently which was like a highway filled with 13-year-olds. [uses hand to represent his car and slides it to his left] And I was in the far left lane and then it turned into a U-turn only lane and I started to make a U-turn [turns hand inwards] [begins speaking rapidly and with urgency while shaking head] but then I panicked because I didn’t wanna make a U-turn! So I put the car in reverse [pulls hand back to where it previously was] and then merged right back onto the highway [turns hand to his right and pushes it forward] [returns hand to microphone]

The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and [turns head to side while pantomiming steering a car] looking over to see who just did that piece of shirt move, [audience laughs] expecting to see like [straightens up and speaks with emphasis] a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best. [audience laughs and claps lightly]

It’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes. [voice becomes increasingly low and hushed as sentence goes on] I’ve written for some TV shows, and, you know, on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people ‘cause a lot of people get offended, or so it has been explained to me.

I was once — I’ll tell you this, I was writing for an awards show once, and I got into some trouble. I wrote a joke for this awards show that had the word “midget” in it. And someone from the network came down to our offices and he said to me, “Hey, you can’t put the word midget on TV,” and I said [turns head and gestures to himself with his hand] “I sure would like to!” And he said, [turns to the other side and points finger and speaks more aggressively] “No! ‘Midget’ is as bad as the ‘n’-word.”

[turns head towards audience] First off, no. [audience laughs and John chuckles] No, it’s not! “Do you know how I know it’s not,” I said to him, “is because [gestures back and forth to himself and the imaginary other person] we’re saying the word ‘midget’, and we’re not even saying what the ‘n’-word is! If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them… [nods head with energy] that’s the worse word.” [audience laughs]

[accusatory and incredulous tone] Also, I don’t mean to gloss over what, like, little people have been through in this country, but you cannot compare the plight of midgets to African-Americans. That is outrageous! Midgets were never enslaved, [widens eyes and uses a dramatic tone] unless you count the Wonka factory! [audience laughs]

So we get into this argument, we’re going back and forth, he goes [points and speaks sternly] “You can’t put that word on TV,” [turns to face other side and points while whining] and I said, “I want to,” and he said [outstretches pointing arm and moves it for emphasis] “If you put that word on TV, there could be a protest of midgets on this building!” [turns dramatically and leans over] and I said, “Promise?” [audience laughs] How tempting would that be?

I don’t mean to complain about censorship at all though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television. It’s ridiculous. You can say anything you want! And if you don’t believe me, you should watch a little program called Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. [audience applause] Yeah. A show that I LOVE, because on that show you can say the grossest things you’ve ever heard in your life. No, you can’t say like the “f”-word, you can’t say that on Special Victims Unit, but people walk around on SVU going like, [walks to one end of the stage and quickly turns on his heel and walks with purpose while looking at the audience and imitating Ice-T] “Looks like the victim had anal contusions. [audience laughs] [points over his shoulder with this thumb] Yo, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim’s ear canal.” [audience laughs]

Those are two real things that I heard on Law & Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon, [audience laughter] both spoken by Ice-T. [audience laughs and John laughs as well, causing his voice to crack] Ice-T is a detective with the special victims unit, he handles New York’s most sensitive cases.

I love Ice-T on SVU. He is fantastic, he’s awesome. What’s so great about him is that he’s been with the SVU for like, mmm, 11 years now, but he still treats every case like it’s his first in terms of total confusion. [light audience laughter and John chuckles] Sometimes they’ll be in the middle of an investigation and Ice-T will be like, [impersonates Ice-T and wears a skeptical expression while darting eyes side to side] “Yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?” It’s like, [condescendingly] “Yeah, Ice. [tightens lips and nods] He’s a pedophile. You work in the sex crimes division. You’re gonna have to get used to that.”

[looks at front row audience] You know how they try and tie in, like, current events to every episode of SVU? [looks up] So there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction, ‘cause a lot of celebrities have come out as sex addicts. So the episode’s about sex addiction. There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice-T what sex addiction is, [with emphasis] and it takes a couple of minutes. [audience laughs]

And finally, Ice-T gets it, [sharply jars upper body backwards while framing his face with a hand] and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes, [darts eyes side to side while impersonating Ice-T] “Oh, I get it. [looks straight on with wide eyes] You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies?”

[nods while smiling and speaks in a amiable tone] I was like, “Yeah you got it, man.” [audience laughter] And I was psyched that Ice-T understood so that they could continue with the investigation, but I could’ve watched another four hours of Ice-T just naming examples. [sharply jars hand up to frame his face] Just that close-up and Ice-T like, [impersonates Ice-T with a wide-eyed expression, looking side to side after each sentence] “Or like when some smokes too many cigarettes? Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards? Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up?”

[makes talking motion with hand] And he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say [flicks hand forward] “Executive Producer: dink Wolf.” [audience applause] That’d be my ideal episode. That’d be a good one.

I saw this SVU a little while ago, I saw this episode of SVU, and Dean Cain was a rapist… [suddenly looks surprised and holds up hand with a defensive explanatory tone] ON THE SHOW. [audience laughs] And there was a scene where they do a line-up with Dean Cain and four other guys and they bring in this woman who’s gonna look at the line-up, and it’s her behind the glass and they open the curtain [pantomimes opening a curtain] and she’s standing with the two other detectives. [hushed tone] And I knew she wasn’t gonna say this, but part of me was hoping she would just be like… [squints and looks back and forth from towards the audience and to the side with a puzzled expression] “Is that… Dean Cain? [audience laughs] [John points towards the audience and nods before turning towards the side again while nodding] forking Dean Cain? [shrugs and nods] That’s pretty cool.”

I also watch this show called Cold Case Files. On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders, and it’s really interesting ‘ cause what I learned from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. It was ridiculously easy. Like, what was even going on back then? What was a murder investigation like in 1935?? One cop would just walk in and be like, [speaks sharply with an old-timey accent] “Detective! [points over his shoulder with his thumb] We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway!” and he would just be like [low voice] “Hmmm… gross! [audience laughter] Mop it up. Now then, back to my hunch… [holds chin with hand and looks around the floor] Hmmmmmm…. Look for clues. [stands up straight and looks into the audience with a confident expression and speaks with purpose] I’ll tell you what we’ll do! [chuckles] We’ll draw chalk around the body is. That way, [narrows eyes and looks side to side and speaks with a suspicious tone] we’ll know where it was…” [audience laughs]

A couple years ago, I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp, it was about old bank robbers and stuff. Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30’s. As long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. To the point that, like, those old bank robbers, they take credit for the bank robberies! Like, they come running out of there and they’re like [jumps up and squats while pretending to hold a gun, speaking in an old-timey accent] “Ha ha ha! And if anyone asks, you tell em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang!” [pantomimes shooting to the side with his imaginary gun] And then they like shoot “Suggins” into the side of the wall. It’s like, what, were bullets free back then? And they don’t even disguise themselves! [stands on tiptoes for emphasis] They dress up for the bank robbery. They’re rolling in there in, like, [walks a few steps with swagger] big suits and hats like they’re going to church in Atlanta. They make a day of it! [audience laughter and applause]

[John walks around for a while, steps over his microphone cord and looks into a camera] [mumbles to the crowd while gesturing to the camera] I don’t know about that. [camera moves side to side] [John laughs nervously] Oh ho ho! Oh good, it has a mind of its own. [camera moves up and down] [audience laughs] That’s very reassuring. No, no no no… [John walks away from the camera] I don’t like robots… [waggles finger by his head] thinking of things. [audience laughs, and John paces for a moment]

[looks himself over] Hope you don’t mind that I dressed up. It was my first communion today so I decided to come right from it. [audience laughs] I was a very good first communicant.

Thank you for coming to this show by the way, I really do appreciate you coming to a thing because you didn’t have to, and it’s really easy not to go to things. [light audience laughter] It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable. [audience laughs] Percentage-wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. [slowly turns head with excited expression] And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you are supposed to do them. In terms of, like, instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin. [audience laughs] It is an amazing feeling. Such instant joy.

Kids don’t like that. Kids always wanna do stuff. Kids get angry, they go, [mockingly high and whiney voice] “Aw, we didn’t do anything ALL DAY.” You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn’t do anything, their faces light up. Be like, “What’d you do this weekend?” [puts hand on hip and looks down and speaks softly] “I, um, I did nothing. [looks up with bright expression] I did nothing at all. [looks down] Did we do anything? [looks back up with epiphanic joy] No, I didn’t do anything.” [light audience laughter]

People especially don’t wanna do their jobs. I’ve found that out recently too. I have a friend named Megan, she’s an elementary school teacher and I was out with her one night and she was drinking like a monster. And I said to her, [holds out arm and looks to the side with a confused expression and an accusatory tone] “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” And she went, [closes his eyes and slurs his words] “Ahh, I’ll just show a video.” And I was like, [shocked but excited expression] “That’s why teachers show videos?” [audience laughs] She said this, she goes, [closes eyes and slurs] “Yeah, I don’t wanna work!” And I was like, “You know the kids don’t wanna work either” and she was like [closes eyes and slurs] “Good!” [pantomimes taking a shot]

I, uh, really do — I was psyched to do it in New York. Uhh, I’m really happy to live here and was glad that we could do it in New York City. And, uh, I’m not sure how you all got here tonight, um, but I did wanna say this, I’ve never been, uh, killed by hit men so I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. [audience laughs] Just that brief moment where you’re reading and you’re like [looks up from imaginary book with a pleasant expression and tone] “Oh, a guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, another guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, an accordion player — [expression changes to a cartoon-like dread and surprise and he speaks in dramaticised slow motion] OOOHH NNNOOOOO” [audience applauds] [John begins imitating mariachi music] [sings with a slightly slurred and lower voice] ♬ This is the loudest thing in the world! [audience laughs]

[low and almost mumbling] Uh, I was really excited a lot of people, uh, showed up. They told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come. So thank you for coming. I wanted to, like, take ads out in the paper. Like, be — you know, do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something. [light audience laughter]

Uhh, the New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I think it’s great, I read it every day. I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. [audience laughter and applause] It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, [pantomimes grabbing someone by the shoulders and shaking them violently, yells shrilly] “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” and they’re like, [throws arms out with a shocked expression and speaks in a low voice with a New York accent] “There’s a perv in Queens!” You’d be like, [pantomimes tipping a hat] “All right, thank you.” [audience laughs]

Or rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. [moves thumb to pantomime texting] [audience laughs and John chuckles] Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. I really do love the Post, I read it a lot and there’s a hierarchy in the New York Post. Uh, different people that they like [gestures hand up at head level] and different people that they don’t like. [gestures hand down at waist level] Uh, and if you pay attention, [moves hand down from head to waist level in segments] you can start to identify some of the rankings that they have.

Um, the number one thing that you can be [holds hand up and head level] in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better… in the eyes of the Post.

After that, [moves hand slightly lower] under an angel is a hero. [lowers arm to his side] A hero is any man who does his job. [audience laughs] You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, [announcer voice] “Hero Tutor Teaches After School,” and you’re like [shrugs and uses a low voice] “Yeah.” [shrugs] [audience laughs]

[holds up hand at chest level] Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots, [moves hand slightly higher] tots are angels who haven’t died yet. [audience laughs] [points behind him] There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. [chuckles] You’re either a tot [points next to him at shoulder level] or you’re dead and you’re an angel. [points next to him at head level]

[turns on his heels toward audience and holds up a finger] I did leave one out, sorry. [turns back towards his imaginary chart and gestures from chest level to slightly higher] Above perv is a bozo. [audience laughs] A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. [bobbles head and speaks out the corner of his mouth with an old-timey accent] That guy’s a bozo! [audience laughs]

I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says [mocking announcer voice] “Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says [turns sharply and speaks with emphasis] ‘Beat it, bozo!’” [audience laughs] No, she did not. [audience laughter] She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said “bozo” in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage and they were like [squats down and speaks with excitement] “Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?” [turns and squats lower, pantomiming smoking a cigarette while squinting and speaking in a low gravelly voice] “Eh, she told him to ‘beat it, bozo.’” [audience laughs and John straightens himself up]

I’m feeling good tonight though, I got a massage recently. Went to a spa to get a massage, [chuckles] I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. Those were her words, she said, [bends over slightly and speaks in a gentle feminine voice while doing a “calm down” motion with his hand] “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” [quickly straightens up and turns] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe. [light audience laughter]

I’m trying to, in general, take better care of myself. I’m trying to stop smoking, I’ve smoked since I was 13 years old. I started when I was 13 years old ‘cause I stole 2 cigarettes [holds up two fingers] from my older sister and I hid them in a shoebox under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. [light audience laughter] And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she [hushed voice] found the shoebox. I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, [pantomimes holding a box and stares forward with an accusatory look and speaks with a loud sharp voice] “Hey mister! I found your treasure!” [audience laughs]

[waggles his finger] And I never liked the way she phrased that, you know, ‘cause that made me sound like the world’s lamest pirate. Like, a guy whose treasure chest is two cigarettes and a woman’s magazine. [audience laughs] And my dad came home from work, and my mom told my dad that she had cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan to which prompted my dad to ask, [low deadpan voice] “How does John know how to make a cosmopolitan?” [audience laughs]

I’m trying to eat better. I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich and the waitress said to me, [light casual voice] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich! Well that comes with a choice of either salad or fries.” Those were the choices — salad or fries, the two most different foods in the universe. [light audience laughter] That’s like saying, “What kinda day do you wanna have? [raises arm to side] Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or [gestures to the ground] do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?” [audience laughs] [mockingly casually] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich? Well with that, you can either [gestures fingers as though counting] go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine.” [audience laughs lightly] [mockingly light and slightly feminine] “Oh, huh, well… [moves hand in circular motion to gesture to imaginary table] if I get a plate of crack for the table, [outstretches hand to imaginary person] would you have some? You’d have crack if I got a plate of crack? Yeah, okay, yeah we’ll take an order of crack.” [light audience laughter]

[suddenly turns and speaks with purpose] Sometimes when people order fries, [playfully] they act like it’s a little adventure. They’ll be like, [turns to side and speaks in a feminine voice] “Should we get a plate of fries for the table? [looks side to side] Should we do it? Should we-should we share some fries? [nods] [returns to normal demeanor and turns toward audience] They gotta make sure that everyone’s onboard with it, it’s like [outstretches arm to gesture to imaginary table and returns to feminine voice] “If I get fries, you’ll have a couple, right? If I get fries for the table, you’ll have — [bats hand at imaginary person and speaks playfully] I know you’ll have fries if I get fries — should we do it? Yeah, let’s be bad! C’mon, let’s do it, all right, [looks up and behind as though speaking to a waiter, speaks with confidence] we’re gonna take a plate of fries!” [return to usual demanor] It’s like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together. [audience laughter]

I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and… [audience laughs] have walked and talked for 28 years. [light audience laughter] [shrugs] I think I was supposed to be gay. I think, like, in Heaven they built, like, three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just [gestures pushing something] sent me out and it was like, [turns to one side] “You marked that one gay, right?” and it was like, [turns to other side with shocked low voice] “Oh no! Was I supposed to?” [audience laughs] and they were like, [slightly lower and frazzled voice, looking side to side] “Oh man, well this’ll be a very interesting person. [audience laughs] [lighthearted playful voice] This’ll be a very silly person.” [audience laughter]

I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. [light audience laughter] A lot of little boys are gay. You know, they’re very [sways arms and legs] flowy and they have [chops air with hand] very hard opinions on things. [audience laughs] I don’t mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that’s not what I mean. When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man [slowly and gently tosses hand in front of him] that’s kind of over it sexually, you know. I was just like an old queen, I would just come out of the recess yard and be like, [closes eyes and dramatically sweeps arm to the side, speaking in a high slightly drawled voice] “Everyone get outta my way, [audience laughs] I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.” [audience laughter] The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I’d be like, [narrows eyes and speaks with a slight drawl] “You want me to do whaaaat?” [turns head and chuckles] [audience laughs]

Real quick, this happened pretty recently, I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village and I was at the urinal [gestures in front of him as though there were a urinal] and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this [squats slightly and pretends to have a walker] and he said this to me, he went, [closes eyes and leans back slightly, speaking in a high voice with a New York accent] “I’m either having a drink or I have to pee, you’re livin’ the golden years, kid, not me,” [stands up straight with amazed expression] like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. [audience laughs] It was such a weird interaction that I wasn’t sure if it actually happened. I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, [points behind him with a confused expression] “Did you see, like, an old man follow me in the bathroom?” and she was like [looks down slightly and speaks with a slightly higher voice] “John, [looks up and turns head suddenly] that bathroom’s been closed for forty years! [audience laughs] [John shakes head up and down to make his voice fluctuate] Whooooooaaaa!!! Whoooooooaaaaaa!!!! [audience laughter]

Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, aaand she’s a female person. [chuckles] [audience laughs] It’s going very well, I love her very much, and so a few months ago she was like, [moves hand in a circular motion and speaks deadpan] “Okay, it’s going well, so now I should meet your parents.” Because that what people do when a relationship is going well. They meet each other’s parents, and I’ve never understood that. I’ve never been with my girlfriend and thought like, [slow suggestive voice] “Oh, honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect? [audience laughs] Charles and Ellen Mulaney. [audience laughter] Come on! [chuckles] Let’s get them in the mix. We’ve been going pretty hot and heavy lately, I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.” [audience laughs]

My girlfriend’s a female and I had all these friends that were female. So when I started dating her I was like “oh great, they’ll all get along… no.” Not even a little at the beginning. I don’t want to make any generalizations about women because I don’t know shirt about women, but if there is one thing I’ve learned in my personal experience is that I think women can be friends with each other, (In a hesitant tone) but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you force women to hang out with each other. I think that sometimes doesn’t work.

Like, I don’t think that you could ever put together a heist with women. Does that make sense? Oceans eleven with women would never work! Cause’ two would keep breaking off and start talking shirt about the other nine. Or not even talk shirt, just say weird passive aggressive things while they break into the casino.(Pretending to break into a safe with a stethoscope) Just be like: “aww, I love how you just wear anything.”

(Audience Chuckles)

My girlfriend is wonderful though. I listen to everything my girlfriend says. I don’t mean she bosses me around, I just listen to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend, I never had someone whose always standing next to me (Steps to the side and acts as if someone is currently standing next to him) who can just point out obvious things that are happening.

Like we’ll be in a restaurant and my girlfriend will be like: “you ordered your food an hour ago. It should be here by now” and I’m like “yeahhh it should!” It’s like having a lawyer for everyday life. She’ll be like: “the bus driver shouldn’t talk to you in that way” and I’m like: “no he shouldn’t!” (As he waves his arms around as if in confidence). Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard of how I should be treated as a human being. You could do anything to me and I was just like a young Motown singer. I was like shiny and dumb and easy to trick. I’m like (in a Motown/black accent): “aww man, you’re gonna give me a whole hundred dollas for all of my songs? Where do I sign Mr. Berry Gordy?”And now when I’m not with my girlfriend you can still do anything to me. I can tolerate any treatment.

Like I try to travel alone sometimes you know and I’ll put up with anything. Like ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. You know I don’t want to name any actual airline so lets just make one up and so lets just call it delta airlines. So I’ve got my ticket at “Delta Airlines”(Does air quotes) and I show up at the airport. “Can I get on the plane now please (figuratively hands ticket to fake person)?” And their like (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NO! ITS BEEN DELAYED 9 HOURS! (Spits)” and I go (Like a child) “Okayyy” and I go to the bathroom. Then I come out of the bathroom and I go(Like a child): “any updates?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom. BECAUSE WE HATE YOU. Now take this meal voucher that doesn’t work, GO! FETCH! (As if he pretends to throw a stick for a dog playing fetch).” And I go (Like a child): “Okayyyyy” and I go over to the Wolfgang puck express and am like(Like a child): “Can I have a sandwich please?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NOOOOOOOOO!” and I go(Like a child): “Okayyyyyy” and they go(Like a bully at school): “You’re a little fat girl aren’t you?” and I go(Like a child): “noooo! Noooo!” and they go (Like a bully): “Say it!’ and I go (Like a child): “I’m a little fat girl.” And then I go over to the Delta help desk, which is an oxymoron and I go(Like a child): “Can I please go home on an airplane?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Nooooo! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!” and I go(Like a child): “Why are you doing this to me?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Because we’re Delta Airlines: life is a forking nightmare!” But with my girlfriend she would be like: “Let’s see if Southwest has any flights?” So it’s better… (Audience laughs and claps lightly)

My girlfriend is a Jewish woman, which is I did on purpose. (Audience laughs) Uhhhh, that sounded creepy. I don’t mean like: “ahhh I got one!”(Pretending to grab someone) I mean I… I… I’m not Jewish, but I’ve always liked Jewish people. I just like them a lot. And I really like dating Jewish women. They’re great! Because I think what a lot of people have in relationships is communication cause guys don’t know what women are thinking. And with Jewish women you don’t have to guess what they are thinking. They will tell you. Yeah, this is going to get playfully anti-Semitic so just allow it to go there. I’ll get in trouble, you won’t. I really do mean this though I… I really admire that Jewish people, in my own personal experience, have, are very up front with their feelings. They’re very… they’re very vocal about their thoughts and feelings and I just think that’s really admirable.

You know, I’m Irish, and Irish people wont tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottled up you know? Like the thing with Irish people is: “I’ll just keep all my emotions right here(Points to heart) and then one day, I’ll die.” Like in Ireland it’s like(In Irish tone): “oh your boy, he died.” And it’s like(In Irish tone): “Alright bury the boy, do it bury the boy. Burry the boyyyyy.” (Audience laughs) Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. Its like a turtleneck made out of “Brillo” pads. I used to date gentile women and… (Pauses)… (Audience laughs)… I dated this girl she used to stare out the window all day long and I’m like, what’s wrong (In a sarcastic playful tone)? And she’d be like: “you wouldn’t even understand if I told you.” (In a pissed off tone) What the fork am I supposed to do with that?!? (Audience laughs)

My Jewish girlfriend and I don’t have to guess what’s wrong! She comes in the room and…(stutters) and then we can move on from there. That’s what I mean. She’s very focused. She’s very in the moment, you know. And that’s a good thing in a significant other. She’s very present. Jews don’t daydream, (In a playful tone) ‘cause folks are after ‘em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean? They have to be there. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt. They just stay sharp. They go (frantically speaking and pointing): “Who’s that? Who are you? What’s that? What’s that over there? Don’t do that!” (Audience Laughs)

“I’m Irish… I keep things very bottled up, and I don’t drink. Which is not what you’re supposed to do when you’re Irish. I don’t drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop. That surprises a lot of audiences because I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. (Audience laughs, Mulaney imitates sitting in a chair eating) I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here. But I did, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped. I don’t know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking but you need to know 2 things if you’re thinking of quitting drinking.

The first is that when you stop drinking and you still go to parties where people are drinking, they will have no idea what to offer you. Like once people start drinking for the night, they forget everything that isn’t alcohol. Like ill show up at a party and they’ll be like: “(acting as if to point) Hey everybody! Alright we got Coronas in the fridge and Oh! Hey! Mulaney! Would you like, like an old turnip we found in the cabinet? Would that be good for you? Would you like that? (His eyes are now wide open). I know you don’t drink (winking, audience laughs). Or my girlfriend left a Nuva Ring in the fridge, would you want that? (winking) I know you don’t drink!” (Pauses)

Also if you quit drinking you’re about to lose the greatest excuse in your life, which is (As if talking to a girl):“I’m really sorry about last night. I was just too drunk…” That is a get out of jail free card that you don’t even realize you’ve had until you lose it. I can’t say that anymore. I can never be like: “Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk.” Now I have to be like(As if to a girl again): “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud, (pauses) it probably will happen again.” (Audience laughs)

Now I, myself — I quit drinking ‘cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would “ruin parties”… or so I’m told. (Audience laughs) When you do that enough, you black out drinking and you do crazy things, you kind of become like Michael Jackson. Like any story anyone says about you might be true and (Acting mysterious) even you don’t know by the end. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like(Like a reporter): “Is it true you bought the elephant man’s bones? And he was like(Pretending to be Michael Jackson): “I don’t know!” Ya know, cause how could he keep track of that? (Audience lightly laughs)

So I would hear stories about myself. Here’s a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone’s house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it (pretending to drink a bottle), “ and said (pretending to throw the bottle behind his head): “It’s perfume.” And it was.

Another story I heard about myself — this one happened in high school. Uh, We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Jake McNamara went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior. So he was two years behind me. And Mr. McNamara was an ashole. And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do IF YOU’RE AN ashole! (Audience laughs) And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher’s house. (Sarcastic) Hooray! And everyone around town heard about it and we all got up individually and thought(Speaking maniacally), “Okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.”

I walked into this party. Everyone I had even met was at this party, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. (Audience laughs) People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. (Audience laughs)It was totally unsupervised; we were like dogs without horses… we were running wild. I walked down (pauses) I walked down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement. One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara’s and went upstairs and took a shirt ON HIS COMPUTER! (Audience laughs) So the party was going great (sarcastically).

I’m standing in the basement, and I’m holding a red cup you’ve seen in movies. And I’m standing there and I’m holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like “something something police.” and in a brilliant moment of word association, I YELLED “fork DA POLICE! fork DA POLICE!” (In a drunken accent, Audience laughs). And everyone else joined in, 100… drunk… white… children yelling “fork da police” with the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. (Audience Laughs)You know, like the: “I served my nickel! You come and take me!” confidence, but white children. (Audience laughs)

The reason someone had said “something something police” was because the police were there. So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers YELLING: “fork THE POLICE” In his face. He was almost impressed. He was like [whispering] “WOW.” And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and my friend john, who is now a father — this man now has a baby — (Imitating the action)he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled: “SCATTER!!”

And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in “Ratatouille” when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways. (Audience laughs as Mulaney acts frantic)We all ran in different directions, I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I’m running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought I’ve never climbed a fence that high before. And then I woke up at home (pauses, audience laughs).

On Monday, I went to school, cause that’s what we did back then. (Audience laughs) And I’m walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake McNamara. And he says to me “hey, were you at my party on Saturday?” and I was like: “No” you know, like a liar (Maniacally, then pauses). And he said things really got out of hand: “Someone broke the pool table, someone took a shirt on my dad’s computer, But the worst thing” he says — “the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it.” and I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have (pauses, audience laughs and claps while he says): “Did I do that?”

I figured no, I would never do that. I was never sure until two years later (audience in shock) … relax. I’m playing video games with this kid named Alex that we also went to high school with. Two years later, we’ve graduated by now. We’re playing video games for a couple hours, and then Alex says to me(in a hushed tone), “Hey, come here. I want to show you something.” And he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have. (Laughing) (Mulaney is in a hushed voice even worse than before) And he shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people’s parties over the years. (Audience laughs) And I said: “Why? Why do you do this?” and Alex said “Cause it’s the one thing you can’t replace.” (Long pause, Audience is laughing hard now) That’s the end of that story but how forked up is that? That’s crazy! (audience laughs more and claps)

So I don’t drink anymore… and its weird you know? I miss it sometimes because drinking can kind of calm your nerves and I live in New York now and sometimes you can see things that will make you anxious you’ll see troubling things out on the street. I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheel chair, knocked in its side with no one in it. (audience laughs but almost in confusion) That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there… you hope it was a miracle… but probably not… probably something worse. (audience laughs)

And I don’t like argument, some people like to argue, you know? They think it’s like an art. And I don’t like it, I think its because really ordinary arguments can get really dramatic really quickly. Like I was talking to a friend recently, and I told him I didn’t think I believed in the death penalty, and my friend said to me: “oh, so you’re telling me, that if you saw Hitler… walking down the street… you wouldn’t kill him?” (Audience chuckles) That wasn’t what I was telling you, but alright, lets talk about this entirely new topic. What would I do if I saw (giggling) Adolph Hitler (acting out a walking motion) just walking down the street? Well first off I wanted to know what did my friend mean? Did he mean I see a guy in like the military outfit with the little moustache, cause then I would assume that’s someone dressed up as Hitler. (Audience laughs) I’m not gonna kill that guy. I’m not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just cause I don’t understand costumes. Or does he mean I’m walking down the street and I see like an old old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like. I’m not gonna kill that guy either, because I am often wrong. Id murder him and people would be like: “Woah! You just killed an old old man! (Acting it out)” and Id be like: “he looked like Hitler!” and they’re like: “Yeah, a little…” (Audience laughs and claps)

I have a lot of strange interactions on the street. Years ago, I was walking down the street and a homeless guy came up to me. And he walked up to me he pushed me like that (as he acts out a pushing motion), he pushed me in the chest. And then he said these things in this order. He pushed me and he said (in a strange accent): “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have aids, I’m new in town.” (Mulaney looks confused as the audience cracks up) You’re gonna close with “New in town?” that is not the most dramatic thing you just said. As they said in the movie Jerry McGuire: “You had me at AIDS.” Here’s how I would’ve ordered those things, I would’ve said: “Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.” Didn’t that guy practice his like pitch at all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say? Ya know in the morning ya know just be like (He then imitates what this gay man would be doing in the mirror): “Alright now what am I gonna do today, what am I gonna do tonight? Imma walk up and say hello, no that’s too subtle imam push him. Imma push him. And I’m gonna say I’m new in town, no no hold back hold back. Save it. Build to that. I’m about to walk up to him, imma push him and go I HAVE AIDSSSS, no that’s too strong… alright. (Cracking himself up as he does this) imam walk up to him, push him and start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given. Then for back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.” (Audience laughs)

Which I know its tough for gay youth on the street, but that’s not like a reason for money. You cant be like, hey would you help me out I’m very gay? (audience laughs) Like a few dollars… I always love how he phrased it by the way. He never mentioned living on the street, he said I’m new in town, like it was intriguing. Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody. Like I have a friend whose like: “There’s no single guys (‘guys’ in New York accent) left in Manhattan.” And I’m like: “I know someone whose new in town.” (Pretends to be his friend now)“What are 3 other things about him?” (Audience claps and cheers)

Just too anxious for a lot of things, I get nervous all the time, not even about like major life things, just about like everyday situations. Like this is my regular speaking voice, but if I’m in a pubic bathroom and someone knocks too suddenly on the door or stall door, I go into a whole different speaking voice. Which is “Eh, someone’s in hereee. Someone’s in hereee. (In a strange almost British accent)” so they’re gonna be like: “I think there is a carnival barker in there. I think someone’s trying to drum up business for a carnival.”

I decided to do something about this anxiety recently. I decided I was gonna try and get a Xanax prescription. I don’t know if anyone here has ever tried Xanax, but its fantastic (a few claps) very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get woos, its more like yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn’t know how to get a Xanax prescription though, drugs like that a tricky sometimes, but I talked to a friend of mine and he said oh yeah, I did this. He said that he had a regular doctor’s appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor: “Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.” And the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription. And I’m like yeah, that’s the type of lowbrow shirt I’m looking for. Ill take your advice, friend I’ve never listened to before. (Audience laughs)

So I go to a clinic, and I go in and I’m just going to go in for you know a regular type of check up and at the end, I’ll ask about Xanax. So I get to the front desk, and they have a “why are you here sheet.” And I wanna pick something that will get me out really quickly. And I look down and I see frequent urination. And I was like, perfect that’ll be a super quick visit you know? Ill just be like hey, sometimes I pee a lot and the doctor would be like (Mulaney pretending to be the doctor): “Me too, crazy right?!?” And I’ll be like: “I get nervous on airplanes.” (Audience laughs) So I checked off frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for 3 hours. I finally go back to the observation room and oh! In the observation room there was a male nurse standing there and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope, a Batman necklace and a Batman watch. He was kind of moving around the whole time, he was just like: (acting this out) “alright! I am too blessed to be stressed! Lets do it! What are you allergic to, besides work?” and then he’d take something and throw it over his shoulder and be like: “Beats working.” And all of his jokes were anti work, which is not always what you want from a health care professional. (Audience laughs)

The doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says: “Oh, you’re here for frequent urination, how many times a day are you urinating?” And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit. So I said 11.(Audience is shocked)That was too many times to say. The doctor looked at me and said: “You’re peeing 11 time a day? Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do…” Some of you are ahead of me (addressing audiences laughter). So I don’t know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was: “Hey, if this visit was to continue, I’m going to stick part of my hand up your ass. And I didn’t know what to say. Cause I couldn’t be like: “No that’s okay, I was lying. It was a lie… to get drugs. You know? Like a crime!” (Audience laughs) So what I did was, I pulled down my pants, walked over to the observation table and I put my hand on the observation table like this (puts hand on stool) and by the way, part of me was like: “Whatever… you know? You ever have those days where you’re like: “This might as well happen. (Pauses) Adult life is already so God damn weird.” (Audience laughs)

So I’m bent over like this on the table, and the doctor comes up behind me and says “ no no no, not on your hands, your elbows” and he knocks me down like that (putting elbows on the stool now). And this is so much worse than this (gets back to his hands). I don’t know why, I think its cause this has a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean? (Audience laughs) This is sort of like, go stick it in, I am an American. This is like you’re leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you’re like: “ahhh we’re approaching Martinique!” he knocked me down to my elbows and then, he stuck his hand in. and you know how sometimes you’re like, I bet I know what most things feel like ya know? You just think you’ll know? I did not know, what this was gonna feel like. And this was the actual sound I made, I went: “ooooooohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm.” (Audience laughs and claps) But I didn’t say it, like it came from my vocal chords but it was totally involuntary. It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light. And then, when he pulled his hand out, we had gotten to know each other pretty well, so ill phrase this a delicately as a can. I didn’t not realize than when the doctor pulls his hand out it feels like your shirtting cause the only thing to come out of your butt before has been shirt. (Audience laughs)

So, he pulls his hand out and I thought I was shirtting into his hand. So I yelled: “I’M SORRYY! This is a very routine procedure by the way for most doctors. And so far he’s had to deal with “OHHHHHMMMM” and “I’M SORRYY!” (Audience laughs) And he didn’t even let me off the hook you know? He wasn’t like: “Oh don’t worry, you didn’t shirt into my hand.” He just threw his glove away and went(As if enraged)“Ahhhwahhhahwa.” And I was about to ask about Xanax but he was like: “Alright your prostate’s fine but we still need to do a blood test.” So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away, (Acting this out) feeling different. And he yells out into the hall, he goes: “Hey! We’re doing a blood test in here. Get in here!” Batman dances back in and he’s like: “(pretending to dance) Alright, we gonna do a blood test. You look different, let’s do it.” The doctor left the room, so I’m alone with Batman. I just need this blood test to be over. But first I had to tell Batman something, I was like “Batman look, I’m one of those people who, when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint. And I was in the waiting area for 3 hours and I haven’t eaten anything all day and I’m really worried I’m gonna faint.” And Batman said to me, and ill never forget it: “pshh, you’re not gonna faint!”

So, I stick my arm out, Batman puts the needle in my arm, and I’m immediately on the ground. (Audience ‘dies’ laughing) I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table. I wake up, I open my eyes and I see Batman’s face. He’s looking at me and he goes: “you gotta go!” and I go: “Can I please talk to the doctor though for a sec because sometimes, I get nervous on airplanes.” And Batman said: “the doctor’s gone!” so I got my stuff… and I left. The moral of the story is… that if you’ve been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass. And if you do suffer from frequent urination, keep it to yourself. I went to that clinic 2 years later for a different checkup and as I was leaving, who do I run into but Batman. And he smiled at me and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed.

Thanks very much for listening to me, my name is John Mulaney. You were really fun, thank you.

#*#themis' big brain

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threads-and-fate · 5 years ago

Text

Session 1: Welcome to Arden High

There’s only one place to start, and that's the beginning. It was an early Wednesday morning. The heat having not settled over the growing gathering of young teenagers yet. The sky was clear and highlighted the tall building they stood outside of. Smooth clean stone fences surrounded the tall school. The school itself was a pale white colored brick building with mosaic windows with various shades of blue, purple, and green. Standing within the gates was and average height girl, with two others behind her. She stood on top of a soap box and was directing the crowd some and half discussing something with one of the other girls. One was knelt and working on something on her phone.

A girl with vanilla dyed hair stood, Hazel Foltz, with a small group, excitedly observing her surroundings. With her stood five other teens, two other girls and three boys.

“This place is crowded, there has to be at least two hundred students here.” The boy with black hair and a hoodie noted, his name is Jamie Runfords.

A girl with colorfully streaked hair stood with him, that’s Camilla Jane Runfords, but don’t call her Camilla, just Cami. She was bouncing up and down, her rainboots making weird squeaking sounds.

"ITS HUGE, IT’S LIKE A WHOLE HOUSE!"

Meanwhile, Jamie was holding her hand in attempts to prevent her running off right away. She stayed put but was squeezing the life out of her cousin’s hand.

An annoyed brunet nearby rubbed his temples. “Cami this is much larger than a house,” Oliver sighed.

"Ok, four houses!" She corrected

Mia, the strawberry pink of our neapolitan quadruplets, giggled at Oliver’s annoyed look. Hazel hummed quietly as she looked onward, pushing her glasses into place. Ethan, a boy with cherry dyed hair and a denim jacket, looked around, standing on his toes to get a better look at the girl at the front. The Foltz’ all were in an almost square.

Jamie looked at the sea of heads and faces fidgeting slightly. "I hope the hallways are big because cramming this many people into classes is gonna be worse than middle school...”

Nearby a girl pushed a boy’s wheelchair cautiously through the crowd, wearing headphones that lit up to some unhearable beat.

Hazel turned and grinned. “We’ll be broken down into classes, no class is larger than twenty people I read!”

Oliver sighed in relief at that. “That’s good to hear,”

"That’s a little better." Jamie nodded in agreement.

Mia smiled and nodded. “Though we may get separated some then.” She sounded a tad disappointed.

"There’s always study group just in case." Cami pat her friend on the shoulder. "But we should end up together in at least one class!"

She smiled and nodded, enthusiasm returning. “You’re right! And hopefully we’ll have lunch together,”

Cami grinned, Jamie was thinking about Elliot. "I can’t believe we’re finally here, Elliot is also gonna be in 3rd grade this year, I hope I can work out some way to walk with him before our bus comes,"

"If you can’t, he has to get used to going to the bus or his classes alone sometime Jamie.” Cami shrugged. "He's a big kid,"

Jamie frowned at the idea.

The teen at the front was speaking to the black haired girl and the brunette next to her. The brunette looked excited as they spoke, the black haired girl was watching the crowd more so. She seemed a little weary, like she hadn’t signed up to help.

Mia hummed. “He can still be a little protective Cami, till at least 5th grade?”

Oliver rolled his eyes at them. “Don’t baby him too much,”

"All I’ve done is baby him, nobody else would," Jamie said.

"But auntie can do that now for you," Cami reminded him. "That’s her job. She’s your mom now,”

"Really, I didn’t know."

Ethan shrugged. “Nothing wrong with babying him a bit, just as long as he doesn’t get bratty...”

Hazel shook her head. “This is Elliot we’re talking about, Ethan.” He chuckled and nodded at that.

"If he turns out bad I’ll blame myself really," Jamie chuckled awkwardly.

Mia pat his shoulder a bit stiffly.

Cami stood on her tiptoes to see. "Are we gonna go in soon? I’m getting antsy,"

The sound of a microphone being tapped a few times began to get everyone’s attention

“Hello? Is it on- oh there it is, thank you Charisse for making it work!” The girl chimed politely.

The girl stood on her soapbox, dead center of the gates. The large school towered over her, the building was decorative, colorful glass panes made up a gradient on the front tower like structure. The school looked like what maybe a modernized castle may have looked like. Sleek but sturdy and maybe a bit intimidating. She and the other two girls all wore similar uniforms, the ties being the only difference.

Cami squealed. "Its starting!"

Mia bounced excitedly with her. Ethan was beginning to rock between heels and his toes even.

“Hello freshman! Good morning!” Her tone was chipper, but not obnoxiously so. “I hope you slept well, if not I’m terribly sorry this is taking place at seven AM,” She announced.

Oliver huffed a laugh at that.

Cami shrugged. “I didn't sleep last night anyways I was too excited,"

“Everyone, my name is Laci Paulk, I am the student council president. I’ll be giving you a tour today of our quite frankly enormous school,” She went on. Adjusting her braid as she spoke before rocking her weight to one side, her tie was a dark purple. “With me is two students that are now going up to sophomore and junior year, they’ll help answer questions,”

She turned to her company and held the mic out, a faint. “Want to introduce yourselves?” Was heard from Laci.

The other brunette stepped up, her hair was a shoulder length messy bob, her tie was a lilac. “Morning everybody! My name’s Charisse Galate and I hope you guys are excited! I know I was when I first started,” She spoke enthusiastically. She squinted at the crowd “Aaandd somewhere out theeerree is my brothe- HI JEREMYYYYY!!!” She said unnecessarily loudly to annoy him, waving erratically. A few people winced at the yelling over the microphone.

The boy nearby in the wheelchair slowly covered his face, making various dying sounds. The girl with headphones pat his back sympathetically.

Jamie sent his condolences as well to whoever the girl was talking about.

She passed the mic to the next girl who stepped up as she went down, she had long curly black hair and a tie that was pastel blue. “Mornin’, not gonna lie I don’t wanna be awake but hey, my friends are here so I am too, my name is Simone O’Rourke, I just graduated the year you’re going into.” She briefly waved as she spoke, pushing her hair back out of her face.

The boy in the wheelchair softly laughed into his hands at her usual behavior.

“Also... If you guys know what a packet teacher is... beware of geography,” She warned, “And Lasomono is weird but ok.” She added glancing off.

“Simone!” Laci hissed from the sidelines.

Some students groaned at the info, others were laughing.

Jamie made note of this. "Take the vital info while we can get it guys,"

Laci walked up a bit stiffly before holding out her hand and then taking the microphone. She returned to the box.

“Alriiightt, now that that’s done,” She slightly glared at Simone who was still grinning. “Let’s get on with the tour shall we? Charisse will be mingling with all of you and Simone will be at the very back to make sure everyone stays together, now!” She stepped off the box, lifting it to reveal it was the speaker, she hung it from her shoulder like a bag and made a motion to follow.

Simone sidled out of the crowds way to head towards the back. Standing off to the side and sliding along the noisy crowd. Simone took over pushing the boy’s wheelchair once her friends met her in the back of the hoard.

Cami started skipping to keep up with the hoard, Jamie kept pace with her by simply speed walking. Ethan was trying to keep stride with them, Mia joined her in skipping, Hazel was nearly there but not as obvious.

Cami grabbed Ethan’s hand with her free one and smiled. "Can’t lose anyone in the hoard, c’mon Oliver you wanna skip too?"

Oliver shook his head rapidly. “No thank you!”

Ethan smirked at him and promptly skipped along with the girls.

Jamie shrugged. "You’ll have to keep up via speed walking then, they skip rather fast."

Oliver sighed annoyed and continued speed walking.

Charisse eventually had filtered her way towards them, and was skipping with them jokingly “Why are we skipping?”

Jamie pointed to Cami. "I don’t think she remembers how to walk really. She skips a lot so we kinda started a chain?"

Cami nodded. "Its more fun than walking,"

Charisse snickered before stopping and walking instead.

Cami made sure everyone was still semi close by. "Ethan, I’m giving you candy when we stop for not being a stick and skipping with us,"

“Sooo kiddos, any questions?” She quirked her head casually.

Ethan cheered a bit before looking at Charisse. “You’re not that much older than us, why kiddos?”

“Because I can! Next question.” She clapped.

Hazel watched the halls and the decorations on the walls, posters, photos, decor of all sorts were organized rather neatly along the neutral colored surface. Giving it pops of color in a semi-chaotic way. There were framed pictures of classes and activities as well. The school ironically felt like some extension of home with all of the displays proudly showing off it’s students and teachers.

"WHAT’S ON THE LUNCH MENU?" Cami shouted more so than asked.

Charisse’s nose scrunched. “Uhh, it changes throughout the year usually? You can check the site once the year starts to have a heads up for the week’s menu, I advise bringing snacks either way though because we can only get one serving,” She explained.

They had apparently gotten far enough back for Simone to contribute. “AND THE SERVING SIZES SUCK!” Jeremy face palmed.

Charisse rolled her eyes. “And you have the appetite of four of the swim team members!”

Jamie laughed. "I think Cami managed to feed everyone once from her candy hoard in her bag,"

Cami nodded proudly and tossed Charisse a snickers. "Thank you for the heads up!"

“That's.... impressive..” She caught it. “Very impressive,”

"I have lots in this bag."

“Serving sizes are kinda small but filling, so again, snacks.” Charisse pocketed the candy for later.

She took out her favorite brick as an example.

“Leeettts not carry that to school?” Charisse said in a confused tone.

"I read the rules, its allowed actually,"

"What part of the handbook was this?" Jamie quirked an eyebrow

"I dunno but Oliver had it highlighted." She paused then added, "Most of it was highlighted,"

Oliver sighed. “It said no knives or weapons on school grounds.... Technically a brick isn’t a weapon, it’s a building material,”

"Exactly,"

Charisse snorted. “I feel bad for whoever pisses you off- wait can I swear in front freshman? Meh sure,” She muttered.

Jamie shrugged. "Not like we haven’t heard the words before,"

“Fair enough,” She nodded.

Cami snickered. "Auntie gets heated sometimes,"

“So, what’s the student council president like? She seems nice?” Hazel queried.

“Laci? Yeah she’s nice. Mostly focused on studies and president stuff though, she has a friend that’s in your year I think? Or is he in sophomore now?” She pondered aloud.

"Who are the teachers to get." Cami continued the line of questions.

“Uhh, geez well I think you guys are getting Simone’s teacher set so uh- SIMONE COME DO YOUR JOB!” She yelled before stepping off to another crowd.

Simone made an annoyed noise, letting the boy take over pushing the wheelchair and heading forward. “Yeah?”

"Teachers to get?" Cami repeated.

“Hmm, Mrs. Turman’s awesome. She’s kinda slow, she’s older. But if you behave or do well on stuff she gives out caramel or other candy?” She shrugged.

"I like candy!" Cami perked up.

“Mr. Watton is the gym teacher and he’s kind of.... Annoying? Ok, no, he’s incredibly obnoxious.“ She snorted at herself.

Oliver rose an eyebrow. “A bit rude aren’t you,” He muttered to Jamie.

"She could be speaking the truth, we'll have to see for ourselves though, I think it’s kinda funny." Jamie mumbled back with a shrug.

Oliver sighed and nodded.

“He’s waaay too enthusiastic, if you end up like I did, you’ll get him first thing in the morning which is utter hell.” She groaned at the memory.

"Morning gym sounds..ew.." Jamie made a face at the idea. "Whos idea was morning gym,"

“No clue, but they’re a moron,” Simone muttered.

Cami shifted her weight back and forth in her spot thinking. "I could run in the morning if needed!"

Jamie then prayed he didn’t have gym in the morning and with Cami. One or the other or else he might not survive long.

“Uhhh, the geo teacher, Mr. Clause is kind of a pain, he’s the packet teacher,” She rattled off.

Mia tilted her head at Simone. “This may be more social and less school related but, you’re the one who ended up helping us solve that question a while back right?”

Simone thought for a moment. “Oh the summer warm ups for freshman? Yeah that was me,” She smirked.

Cami stared at Simone's face for a second and slowly nodded. "Hey.. Yeah!! She's right! You ordered blueberry lemonade I think,"

Ethan sighed. “We were stumped, how did you remember that?”

“I had literally an hour before then helped my friends with the same problem,” She grinned “Don’t worry, rarely does anyone get that right without help,”

Hazel rubbed her face, shoving her glasses up. “Uughh, I hate those kinds of problems!”

"Well, we owe ya," Cami added. "If we can ever help you out sometime let us know!"

She smiled politely as they stopped slightly. Seeing a staircase up ahead as Laci turned to face the crowd. Despite a little over a hundred people filling the hall it managed fairly well. It was crowded but not painfully cramped.

“I know we have someone who is in a wheelchair so umm,” She paused briefly. “Charisse, take your brother to the elevator?”

Simone immediately bolted. “I’VE GOT IT!!” She pushed the chair past the crowd, hopping onto a bar on the back that appeared to have been added.

“SIMONESIMONESIMONE NOOOO!!!” Jeremy shrieked as they sharply rounded a corner. Cackling heard down the hall as the girl with headphones ran after.

Laci sighed slowly. “.... You can’t say I didn’t try,”

Charisse laughed. “They’re inseparable what’d you expect?” Was heard from the microphone as well. “She’s just glad they’re all in the same building again,” Charisse continued grinning.

Mia grinned. “They seemed pretty close,”

“And a bit crazy,” Oliver murmured.

Cami nodded at Mia, Jamie sent his condolences out again. "I just hope we don’t hear any crashing noises in a moment,"

Cami sighed. "Oliver, do you even ride the baby coasters at the fair with that attitude?"

“He’s in a wheelchair, she should be more cautious!” Oliver huffed and folded his arms at her.

Hazel awkwardly smiled but nodded as they headed up the stairwell. “He could get hurt,”

Once they made it to the second level they caught sight of the trio again, Simone riding the back of the wheelchair again. At a more reasonable speed this time however.

"If you’re stuck in a wheelchair you should have a little fun!" Cami retorted as they stepped out into the open. "He's alive right over there,"

He looked a bit ruffled and was currently whining at her. “Siimoooneeee, you’re gonna break my wheelchair!” He groaned.

“Nonsense, I re-enforced it last month!” She chirped.

Nell motioned to the duo and signed something at them. Simone grinned and Jeremy sighed again.

“You two will be the death of me.” He motioned as he spoke.

Mia tilted her head. “Why sign language? She has to be able to hear if she has headphones on?”

Hazel shrugged. “I don’t know but come on we’re lagging behind.” She lightly nudged the group forward.

Cami resumed the skipping chain, Jamie was not prepared and screeched a little and caught up.

"You’re gonna tear my arm off," He huffed.

"Your fault for holding on to my hand like I’m five though," She retorted.

Mia curiously watched over her shoulder as the three talked amongst themselves.

Ethan shrugged. “Maybe she's mute?”

“But.... She can hear still?” Mia looked incredibly lost. “But I feel it may be rude to ask...”

"Lets not right now," Jamie agreed.

Cami wasn't phased. "Maybe it's like a code, I have my own code in my head,"

“Why in your head?” Ethan asked confused.

"Helps me group stuff sometimes," She explained. "I have so many thoughts bouncing around at once,"

"But you’ve heard me refer to you guys as oranges before, that’s like code." Cami stopped to stare and think. "Or maybe I only group you like that in my head.."

Mia tilted her head. “I think I’ve heard you mention it,”

Oliver had a look that said he didn’t want to know what went on in Cami’s head. Cami continued walking lost in thought.

“Is she ok?” Ethan asked quietly.

Hazel shrugged.

Jamie nodded. "She's fine,"

Cami snapped out of it and brushed off the question. "Oh, well just know you guys are great,"

Mia beamed. “You are too Cami!”

Cami smiled wide. "Aw thank you! Hey look more buildings.. How big is this school.."

Out a window they were passing showed another large chunk of the school grounds, two buildings were visible along with what appeared to be a soccer field. The shorter building was closer and appeared to be a gym. The building behind it appeared to be two or three stories high on it’s own. It’s dome shaped roof and vaguely visible opening implied it was an observatory. The grounds themselves they could see were well trimmed and kept. Neat purple and blue flower beds lined the walkways.

“This place could classify as a small city,” Hazel murmured.

Oliver glanced over. “Am I the only one listening to the guide?”

“I’m listening!” Hazel huffed defensively. “..... Kind of.”

Mia sheepishly smiled. “Oops...”

Ethan snorted. “Wow, the ever attentive Hazel isn't paying attention?” He jabbed her side to which she smacked.

“Shut up I was trying to be social! And I asked Charisse some questions.” She continued giving her “explanations”. Hazel isn’t one to admit things like this if you couldn’t tell.

Cami was staring at water spots on a ceiling tile. "Hey, that one looks like a plus sign,"

Jamie laughed. "I was half paying attention, Cami's exploring on her own now,"

Simone was still behind them to make sure they didn't get separated. She was pushing the wheelchair along and contently talking with the other two.

Cami gave Oliver a dramatic look. "We won’t survive if we’re too dependent on our elders, we must learn to explore and grow, ON OUR OWN!"

He gave a long sigh. “The school is enormous and I don't want to be late on the first day,”

"And if you act like a grumpy stick this whole tour I'll sharpie your forehead," She threatened.

He backed up slightly at that. Cami took a sharpie out of her bag and waved it towards him in threat. He scowled and stepped behind Hazel who was looking at the classroom signs.

The crowd had slowed slightly, they could barely hear Laci speaking. However, a pleasant ringtone was loud and clear over her speaker before she spoke louder.

“I’m sorry, I just got an important call I really need to take. Charisse please wait and handle this?” She quickly passed the mic to her before disappearing into what appeared to be another classroom.

Cami looked at all the doors and read all the name tags for teachers. "There's the mean geo teacher's room,"

Unbeknownst to our dear students, some of their more interesting teachers were passing through. Adair, the chemistry teacher who has “wasted” talent, saw Thryver, the Acchian faun, sneaking up on the back of the crowd; he already saw where this was going.

"Y'know I really think we should repaint the gym to help bring out motivation." The gym teacher was still prattling on to the astronomy teacher who was clearly not interested, nor paying attention.

Simone glanced over her shoulder and saw Mr. Thryver. “Uh oh,” She whispered, grinning.

Adair looked like he was suffering, watching Thryver and side eyeing Watton, one of the gym teachers. He was already beginning to rub his temples. The teacher group made an interesting lot, Adair dressed in a nice button up, slacks, and a lab coat like most of the teachers wore; he looked the most orderly of them. Watton was wearing a tracksuit, with a whistle being the most notably different part of the outfit. The astronomy teacher looked like a more disheveled Adair. Thryver wore traditional Acchian robes. Dark blue wrapped around his torso and then opening and loosening into a skirt of sorts.

“VITE THA UN DOTELLA!” Thyver abruptly shouted startling the crowd.

Mia jumped a mile, Cami however turned around excited and waved looking for who said that. Jamie also jumped out of his skin at the shout. Ethan whipped around and Oliver may have been one of the people that screamed.

Charisse jerked and blinked. “And there's Mr. Thryver!”

“THAT MEANS HELLO AND WELCOME!” He continued loudly.

The gym teacher scanned the sea of freshman. "ARE THESE THE NEWBIES WE GET TO HAVE FUN WITH IN GYM CLASS?!"

Jamie frowned. "Oh dear the teacher sounds much too excited for gym class I think that girl was right,"

Adair groaned quietly then saw Simone. “And you’re here... Just when I thought the day couldn't get worse.”

“Good to see you too Mr. Adair!” She chimed with fake enthusiasm.

Oliver nodded at Jamie. A bit alarmed. Charisse waved the crowd of teachers.

The astronomy teacher scanned the crowd. "YES WELCOME, WE ARE VERY EXCITED TO WELCOME YOU TO OUR SCHOOL, ITS HISTORY IS QUITE THE CONSPIRACY!"

“Everybody that is Mr. Thryver who just yelled, he's our teacher for Acchian, the man in gym gear with too much energy is Mr. Watton and that enthusiast there is Mr. Lasmono, the astronomy teacher.” Charisse laughed over the speakers as she spoke. “And the man with a look of suffering is Mr. Adair, our loving and dear chemistry teacher,” She snickered.

"Oh don't be silly, our school was not built on any of the stuff you say it was," Mr. Watton laughed at Lasmono.

"Do we know that?" He asked, before answering himself. "No,"

Simone leaned over. “Hey, we may be on an ancient burial ground,”

Jeremy shook his head at them.

Cami nodded interested in what the astronomy teacher had to say. "He has a point though,"

Jamie facepalmed.

Hazel adjusted her glasses. “Actually it’s believed is placed around what would’ve been mid-world’s Thailand, so technically what we have would be Indian burial grounds,”

"ARE YOU KIDS READY FOR SOME HEALTHY TEAM BONDING THIS SUMMER? ALSO IF YOUR INTERESTED IN GETTING YOUR SCHOOL SPIRIT ON I HAVE SIGN UPS READY ON THE SCHOOL WEBSITE FOR CHEERLEADING!" The gym teacher continued. The crowd wasn’t very responsive.

Simone rolled her eyes at his hyperactivity.

The girl in headphones watched the teacher with immense confusion, she couldn't read his lips very well.

Jamie shook his head. "Last time someone said team bonding it meant dodgeball,” He sighed "That's not healthy,"

“Agreed,” Oliver nodded.

The sound of the mic shifting and Laci speaking grabbed the group’s attention yet again.

“Hello, so sorry I had to answer that... ah...” She looked stiffer than before. “I see some teachers have joined us? How are you all this morning?”

"I’M FEELING GREAT!" Watton cheered.

"I’d feel better if the government wasn't lurking to be honest," Lasmono mumbled.

“I’m well, miss Laci I hope you and your friend is too?” Thryver singsonged.

Adair’s expression answered her question.

Laci stiffened mildly. “I’m alright... I’ll chat later, you know uh- schedule and what not!” She awkwardly motioned for them to continue moving, attempting to maintain her previous enthusiasm.

Mia’s expression shifted to concern. “Is she alright?”

Jamie slowly shook his head again. "I would guess no… She looks worried."

Hazel nodded a bit at that.

Cami chucked a snickers bar in her direction. "Just in case," She explained.

Oliver winced as he saw it hit a random student.

"Cami, you can't just candy snipe strangers," Jamie groaned.

"It was for a good cause,"

“Maybe we should check on her after?” Mia gently suggested.

Hazel nodded. “She has to wait for everyone to leave first after all, it'd be hard to miss her,”

"Good plan," Cami agreed.

The tour had finally come to a close, students or soon to be students were all filing out the front gate. It was a little after noon and the heat was worse. The sun shined brightly just outside of the building’s entrance and waves of the heat made it in as the doors stayed mostly open. Laci stood to the left of the building entrance, waving at anyone that looked her way or answering a few final questions. Cami signaled the rest of the group when she spotted Laci through the sea of heads. "C’mon let's check on her before we get pushed out by the hoard!" Mia almost jumped Ethan in attempts to stay with the group.

“Hey, I’m not a ride!” He huffed but helped support her weight, annoyed. Cami started to weave between people like a little rabbit, Jamie awkwardly tried to follow her but was nowhere near as fast.

"I think Cami has a sixth sense that makes her fast," Jamie mumbled to the others, "Or the candy.."

"Probably the candy and a sixth sense,“ Hazel concluded.

Oliver pressed through till they managed to break from the crowd, now out in the open space Laci stood in. Cami waved to her. "Hi! Great job on the tour by the way!" Laci turned and pulled another strained smile. “Thank you, glad to help! I hope you’re all looking forward to your first year here.” She slightly pushed her bangs to the side. Briefly checking her phone before it went back down to her side. "Although, we did notice earlier you seemed kinda stressed so we wanted to ask if everything was ok?" Jamie added onto Cami's comment. Cami nodded and dug around in her purse for another snickers bar. "I tried to throw this at you but it hit someone else instead..." Her eyes widened slightly and she stiffened. Mia stepped forward as well. “We just figured we would check on you?” She gave another concerned look. The brunette looked a bit surprised but thankful. “Ah... Was it that obvious?” She tugged at her button up’s collar. "Maybe we’re just super observant," Cami shrugged.

Jamie was going to say something but Cami did focus on details sometimes so he stayed quiet. Cami handed Laci a slightly squished handful of various fun-sized candies and a smiley face sticker. "The sticker is for a good job," Laci looked a tad confused but nodded her thanks. “So... Is everything alright?” Hazel quirked her head. Laci shuffled briefly to put away the candy before sighing. “To be honest, no. Not at all,” She checked her phone again. "Is there anything we can do to help..?" Jamie asked hesitant. He wondered what kind of situation it was, he was afraid of seeming nosey though and wondered if they should even be asking. Cami rocked back and forth and glanced at Laci's phone, trying to see if she had an interesting case for it. It was a plain light purple. She had put the sticker on the back of it.

“Not unless you’re miracle workers,” She sighed.

Hazel awkwardly glanced at the others before Laci elaborated.

“My.. my childhood friend is in the hospital.. he’s... he’s not doing very well...” Her voice shook slightly, a deep breath and she tried to steady herself. “And it's getting worse..” Cami's face fell, she dug in her purse again for a second but stopped and said nothing for a bit.

Jamie looked awkwardly at the ground thinking they possibly made her feel worse. He thought of his Mom though and spoke up softly. "...Does he like any deserts..? Can we bring you or him anything..?" Laci jumped slightly. “W-well uhh, he likes lemon bread? It's been a while. The medicines he's on... but...” She smiled a bit. “I think that'd make his day...”

Simone had wandered up, catching the tail end of her sentence. Jamie nodded slowly "I think I can try that..yeah.." "Is there anything you like specifically?" "What's his favorite color?" Cami asked following Jamie's train of thought. "Hmm.. lime cupcakes.” She smiled a bit fondly. “And he likes purple a lot.” She looked calmer at the implications this was giving. Cami smiled. "Purple, I can work with this," Jamie took notes quietly on his phone. "Is there any way we can reach you to give you some food and stuff..?" Simone eyed them briefly. “Wyatt ok?” She shoved her hands in her jacket pockets. Laci jumped again. “Oh- oh he’s... He's been better, the doctors couldn't get a hold of his parents and he... heart... stopped... for a - yeah.” She swallowed and nodded stiffly again. Simone scrunched her nose. “Then what are you doing here? Council head or not he's your best friend,” She made shooing motion. Laci sighed. “I can't just-“ "I’ll handle it,” Simone interrupted. "Wait," Jamie interrupted. "What... Simone you hate socializing,” She raised her eyebrows.

“I’ll get over it, go on.” She waved again. "WAIT I CAN'T GIVE YOU FOOD UNLESS I CONTACT YOU." He interrupted loudly and a bit distressedly. Laci stopped. “Right right, uhhh here.” She pulled out some note paper, tearing a corner off she wrote out a number quickly. “Here, thank you! And thank you Simone I owe you!” She squeezed Simone in a short hug that the raven haired girl cringed at.

"Thank you, now indeed you should go." Jamie pocketed it. "We should have some stuff for you in a couple of days." "Yeah yeah, listen to them and get out of here,” Simone laughed.

Laci bowed a final thanks, practically sprinting out.

Cami gave him a look. "I can put stuff together in hours man," Jamie sighed. "BAKING IS AN ART FORM THAT CAN’T BE RUSHED!!" Cami frowned. "Don't yell at me there's people here now," "If they go to school with us they will see me yelling at your shenanigans again," Simone moved to stand where Laci had been, occasionally answering questions. Cami rolled her eyes and turned to Simone. "Hi!" Simone nodded at Cami. “Questions or just being friendly?” Mia smiled slightly. “That was really sweet, just a moment ago,” She shrugged. “Just human decency,” "Still good," Cami agreed. "And just being friendly." She bounced a little. ‘She's very friendly," Jamie said, Cami couldn't tell how he meant that so she didn't mind it. Simone nodded slightly, watching the crowd, Charisse was on the other side of the crowd that was now thinning out finally. "We saw you pushing your friend around earlier, do you do go karts as a hobby or something because you steer well for sharp corners!" Cami continued bouncing as if she was listening to music. Jamie noticed she had one earbud in and leaned in. "Are you listening to the nyan cat theme?" "....No..." Ethan made a face at that. Simone rose an eyebrow but answered her. “I mostly hoverboard, but I’ve had a lot of practice weaving his chair around the last year too,” She explained. “Oh neat!" Cami exclaimed. "I've always wanted to try but this grump screams at me if I go too fast on a scooter even," "You wear roller skates while on the scooter to go faster," Jamie protested. Ethan lit up. “Didn’t we talk about me teaching you?” Oliver looked like he swallowed a lemon. Hazel looked a bit worried. "OH YEAH!" Cami grinned. "CAN WE GO NOW?" Mia’s enthusiasm seemed to strain even. Jamie looked at Ethan and shook his head. Cami put her hand on his face and nodded like a bobblehead. Ethan was bouncing a bit. “Our house is on the way, we could get our hoverboards and guards and go!” "YAAAY!!" Cami squealed, she handed Simone a sticker. "You did good on the tour too by the way!!"

"NOW LETS GO BEFORE OLIVER OR JAMIE STOP US!" Cami bounded towards the nearest exit at top speeds. Simone blinked, confused by the sticker, watching as the group all left rapidly. Jamie was stressing already wondering how he would explain to Rachel that Cami split her head open.

#writing #original #ocs #swearing #scifi #fantasy #roleplay #closed roleplay

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