#i wanna spend money on the game so bad its eating me alive

[inkydavinky]

Doea anyone want to be my mech arena sugar daddy 🥺🥺🥺

Im really good i swear, ill stream just buy me a coins for pretty skins and pilots 🥺

[victorsandvanquishers]

Body guard for Secre and Lumiere..., the reincarnation reunion we deserve.....

Bodyguard is probably the most popular prompt in my inbox, so I’ve decided to combine these two requests into one! Thank you to @icewitcher and anon for the requests!

The fic will include romantic!Secre/Lumiere and Parental!Secre and Asta, as well as background!AsuYuno and background!Charmy/Rill, all under the Bodyguard prompt. Happy reading, and don’t forget to watch Bodyguard, starring Kareena and Salman! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

~~~

Time moved differently with Secre Swallowtail. She hadn't physically aged after being cursed into a antibird, but once she'd regained her body, the crow's feet came as naturally as the longer hair. She still had the ability to transform into an antibird, and had, after retiring from the Black Bulls and leaving Clover Kingdom, chosen to remain a bird for small periods of time. It was easier to travel in her inhuman form. She could eat from the land, and contemplate in privacy.

There were downsides, of course. If she spent too long as an antibird, returning to her human form could mean spending a full day chopping off the overgrown locks, clipping her nails, and trimming the rest of her body hair. Even though she looked largely the same as she did six hundred years ago, the cells in her body continued to regenerate a bounty of beautiful black hair, and glowing skin.

But Secre disliked long hair, and she disliked pretending even more, so she chopped, clipped, and trimmed the years away.

She'd retired from the Black Bulls seven years after the invasion of the Spade Kingdom, and left Clover Kingdom after Asta died peacefully in his sleep at the tender age of ninety-four. The Spade boy he'd married decades earlier had passed away the year before, and Secre had known that it was only time before Asta went to sleep one night and didn't wake up again. The wails from his grown children began while Secre laid flowers on the ageless skull still standing on the outskirts of the village. She, of course, had known he'd passed the night before, but she didn't think it appropriate to wake the whole house at three in the morning just for that. Asta would have hated it.

He was laid to rest next to his husband, the Spade boy who never took up his princely crown, a boy who became a man, and then an old man who passed away from a heart attack in the middle of game of chess Asta was losing miserably.

Asta had cried about the boy being dramatic until the very end, and the wind spirit wept with him, wailing and begging for her Yuno to come back, to take the stinky shorty instead, and Asta cried with her because the Spade boy had meant everything to them, had meant everything to Asta.

She left identical white flowers on all three graves before she flew away – the bleached skull that still stood sentry after all these centuries, and the two graves of the two orphans who went on to become the greatest leaders Clover Kingdom had ever seen.

*

In a way, Lumiere hadn't been wrong. The world was cruel, even unbearable at times, but it still had its merits.

She met new people along the way, ones who sometimes asked too many questions, and some who didn't even say hello, merely passed her a plate of food and turned their attention back to their book, their own food, and once, a window looking out towards a bleached sky and golden fields. It was the kind of peace Secre hadn't ever experienced before, the peace of anonymity, of mutual respect for life, of living and letting live.

With Asta, there had never been a moment of silence. Secre was an observer more than she was a participant. Zagred had thought her foolish for that, and had been sealed away for his arrogance. She was a watcher, a recorder, someone who existed on the fringes of a memory that had long since faded away.

She was a hateful woman, too. No god of any religion would ever forgive her for making the decision to use a poor, magicless child for her own ends. She'd manipulated his despair and his longing, and she'd used it to her advantage. She'd used Asta – and she'd paid for it by losing Lumiere forever.

Secre had made many mistakes in her life, but never one as egregious as that one. That's why she had to atone – that's why she had to stay by his side until he'd perished peacefully.

She still bled, even if the blood was viscous black instead of smooth red. Lumiere had forgiven her for her transgressions, of course, but Lumiere forgave everything, even the genocide of his own brother-in-law's tribe, because Lumiere was barely a person even when he was alive. He'd always been god-like in her eyes, and perhaps that's why she'd been punished, because Lumiere had been human, he'd just been too kind, too dumb, too full of faith for his own good.

And then there was Secre – five hundred years as a bird, and she'd latched onto the first child that reminded her of a dead dream. She wasn't afraid to admit it anymore, of course. She hadn't just chosen Asta because he'd looked useful, but because he'd also looked the way she'd imagined her son would, because Secre was just as bad as Lumiere, had dreamed big dreams, and then lost everything in the process.

A woman who loved a man she couldn't have, and desired to bear children the man would never have given her – that was the unfortunate tragedy of one Secre Swallowtail. Secre had told Yami Sukehiro her story once, and he'd laughed at her, because who the hell cried over spilled milk?

Who, indeed.

Ten years after Asta passed away, she climbed aboard a ship and left the continent.

*

The decades went by, and her names changed. She continued to chop away at the black locks, and kept her nails trimmed and her wardrobe full of muted colors. She didn't return to the continent until a hundred years had passed, once the dragons had returned and the spirits of the sun and sky had finally awoken, and once the dwarves had returned from the deepest parts of the forests. By the time her wings touched the skies above her home continent, a second moon had appeared in the sky, and the elves of the other continents had deemed her continent safe again.

Kings had come and gone, but the great forest remained a deep green. The skull was still bone bleached white by the sun, but now there were more buildings in Hage, and dwarves who traded pelts for tatoes, and children of mixed heritage who didn't have to live in the forests of the Neutral Zone for fear of persecution.

Asta and Yuno's children's children had born and raised their own children, and now their grandchildren ran the farms, and even the schools, and maybe, just maybe she'd encountered one boy with deep red hair who reminded her a little of the Spade boy who'd sobbed freely on his wedding day to her son, her Asta. Names changed, but maybe souls didn't. Maybe souls always remained, maybe the souls of Asta and Yuno were in every single person inhabiting the bustling village that was no longer a village, maybe even the dwarves who'd emerged from the great forest had felt these souls, the souls of the wizard kings who'd married in front of the whole country and led their kingdom into the future.

“Well, well, well – if it isn't little miss songbird herself.”

Secre turned around to face the demon who hadn't made a sound at Asta's funeral, the demon who now walked freely with its black and white skin, and eyes as bloody red as the rubies that used to adorn Lumiere's crown.

“You're still here.”

“Where else would I be?”

Secre didn't answer him, instead turned back to the human and dwarf children squealing and running around a pen full of clucking chickens, daring each other to pet one of the creatures. She'd never experienced this kind of peace, because she hadn't been raised with love and freedom to breathe. She was born to serve, and serve she did until there was no one left to serve.

“That one,” the Anti-Magic Demon pointed to a short, pretty woman with hair as blue as the sky, “is the dwarf girl's daughter with that crazy human that used to paint pictures of everything. The dwarves can live almost as long as us, you know. The old bat is still around here somewhere, but she mostly stays inside now.”

“What are you still doing here? You got what you wanted, remember?”

The Anti-Magic Demon bristled, but didn't budge. “I'm here cuz I wanna be here – why are you back?”

Secre shrugged. “No reason, seemed like as good a time as any.”

Finally the demon went quiet, and Secre exhaled.

*

Before she'd left, she'd blessed Asta and Yuno's grandchildren with small kisses on top of their little foreheads. She didn't have much money to her name, but she had Lumiere's jewels, old and dull, but still good enough for a pawn shop or a merchant. She'd left them to Asta and Yuno's children before she'd left, and now that she'd returned, she'd expected them to have already paid for someone's wedding, maybe even a house. Instead, Secre found the jewels encrusted into busts of Lumiere, Asta, Yuno, and herself.

Secre stared at her doppelganger, unblinking.

“Is that yer mumma,” Secre heard a loud, squeaky voice say. Secre ignored the voice, and continued to stare at the busts.

“Oi! Old lady! Don't ignore me!”

Secre turned her head in a flash, because she was still inhuman, still two steps from becoming a demon like the Anti-Magic Demon and Zagred, and she was mad, she was horrible, and she just wanted to be left alone.

But the little boy with fat cheeks and stocky legs had other plans for her.

“Don't ignore me, Old Lady!” He fumed. Secre balked at the feisty little child, barely two feet tall.

“Don't bother the nice lady,” called a pretty voice, and it was a voice Secre hadn't heard in almost two hundred years, so she whipped around to face her demon, the demon impersonating his voice.

“Pappy, the old lady is a ghost!” The boy squealed, half horror and half amazement etched on his face as his father plucked him off the ground and into his arms.

“That's not very nice,” said a short man with thick frames, dusky colored skin, and Lumiere's voice.

“Oh my god,” the man gushed in awe, and Secre was barely five feet tall, but she had at least half a foot on the dwarf man, the man who had Lumiere's voice, and Lumiere's aura, and his beautiful, glowing smile.

“Pappy, ghost!” The little boy complained again, and Secre wished she could just disappear, maybe she should disappear, because the more she stared, the more the little boy looked too much like Asta, was too loud, and there was a dwarf with Lumiere's soul standing in front of her, and Secre had wished she'd stayed away, far away.

“Are you the esteemed Miss Nero?” The man began again. “Oh my god, you are her! They said you'd return, but no one knew when! My students at the school, they play games with the antibirds, pretending one of them is you! It is you! I can't believe it! We thought you'd never come home! Have you met the Sister at the church? We've been waiting for you! It's really you!!!”

And Secre drowned, drowned in the liquid gold eyes, drowned in the the beautiful smile, the beautiful voice of the dwarf who'd inherited Lumiere's soul.

*

“Well, now you have to stay. Can't sleep with a single man who's just tryna raise his baby in these trying times – if yer gonna taste the forbidden fruit, then commit.”

“Should I be hearing that from you?” Secre snapped back at the demon lounging on a bed of flowers.

“I'm just sayin', little songbird – when you get to my age, you see it all. You want it all, so why not take it?”

“Because they're dead,” Secre concluded. “A moment of weakness doesn't need to turn into a lifetime of regret.”

“Who said you needa regret anything? He loves you, and his kid calls you Ghost Mommy when he thinks you're not listening.”

Secre flinched, because it's true, because she overstayed her welcome, because she gave false hope to a man who's now hopelessly in love with her.

“Don't think of it as use, and be used,” the Anti Magic Demon chuckled harshly, as if reading her mind. “He had a choice too – to choose to ignore you, and to move on with his life, but the minute he saw you, he fell in love. You wanna say no, then say no, but remember – he chose to be with you, and you chose to be with him.”

“Is it them?” Secre whispered.

“Maybe, maybe not. Does it matter?”

“Secre! Secre, are you out there? Dinner's ready!” Called a voice from far away.

“Lumiere couldn't cook for his life,” she whispered hollowly, wiping tears from her cold cheeks.

“And the little brat never disrespected a woman in his life, but the second that little punk saw you, he called you a crusty little ghost. How's that for a reincarnation?”

“Bird Lady, dinner is ready!” The little boy with the fat cheeks and stumpy little legs screeched louder than Asta ever did, and she cried, she cried because she missed her Lumiere, and she missed the magicless little boy she grew to care for like a son.

“See, little songbird,” the Anti-Magic Demon whispered, sliding closer, so close that he was mere inches from her crying face, its own eyes hollow and cold and lonely, “after a while, it doesn't matter anymore. After a while, we die too, and death – it's a cold, lonely affair. You got nothing to lose.”

“Bird lady?” The little boy called hesitantly, staying some feet back, because the Anti-Magic Demon was the village watcher, the wraith that simultaneously protected and scared the living daylights out of the creatures living in Hage.

Secre wiped the tears from her face and climbed to her feet. “I'll be right there,” she called back, and the little boy nodded once before shooting back to the little house they called home.

“You found your home,” Secre surmised.

The Anti-Magic Demon hummed in response, laying back against the flowers, eyes fixed on the twin moons in the sky.

“Home,” Secre repeated to herself as she made her way back to her little house with her two little dwarves.

It seemed she'd finally found one as well.

[love-fireflysong]

Day 18: Photo

Fandom: Until Dawn Character(s): Chris Hartley, Josh Washington, Ashley Brown Words: 1962 Rating: Teen (language bitches!) Author’s Notes: *Nickelback’s ‘Photograph’ plays in the background* Still alive over here! And it’s not angst this time! Amazing, I know. Big reason this one is so late is because after spending 3 days thinking about what to do for this, I still had nothing. And then I inspiration came to me in the shower so here we are: the follow-up to Deals and Arguments that probably no one wanted! Because lets be honest, if Ash is the one who writes ‘Ashley Hartley’ in her books, then Chris absolutely scribbled a heart with their initials by accident once. And that’s all it takes for Josh...

For almost as long as Chris had known him, Josh had always been obsessed with the idea. He wants to say that it started when they were in fifth grade, when their teacher, Ms. Franks, announced to the class that since she was pregnant, that she was going to be taking a leave of absence just before the end of the school year. Someone, he couldn’t recall who, had asked if they had a name for the baby picked out, but he could recall the response as though it had happened only yesterday.

“It’s still a little too early for names, but if they’re gonna be a girl, we’re thinking of naming her after a mutual best friend of ours.”

Ever since then, Josh had been all over the idea. Every dare, every piece of blackmail, every ‘dying’ wish was the same: “Name your kid Josh.” When he was younger, Chris would laugh and shove Josh away with a roll of his eyes. It was funny back when he was like ten or eleven, or hell, even when he was thirteen! He was gonna be a super cool app developer, he wasn’t gonna have time for marriage, much less kids. All of his time was gonna be spent developing super awesome games and apps that were gonna save the world! Or something. 

While his mind didn’t exactly change the moment he met Ashley the summer after he turned thirteen, he is ashamed to admit it was pretty dang close. Josh introduced Ash to him in their favorite fast food diner, and declared the three of them to be best friends, til death do us part, yada yada yada. At the end of July, the three of them were inseparable, and by the beginning of school that September, he was gone. Donezo baby! Head-over-fucking-heels for the little braces wearing, red-head that read Sherlock Holmes and Shakespeare for fun.

And unsurprisingly, Josh never let up on his demand. Nope, he did not! In fact, he got even worse about it. 

He needed to borrow a pencil for math? Name your kid after me. 

Can he spot him a couple of bucks for ice cream? Only if you name your kid Josh. 

When did the Battle of the Alamo take place? 1846. But I’ll tell you the right answer if you swear to name your first-born after me. 

While extremely exhausting to try and avoid, Chris was able to do so easily. He just started asking the kid who sat behind him in class for pencils, borrowed money from Ash instead, and he’d rather fail history then name his kid after Josh. Thankfully, after his first bombed history exam, Ash made all three of them do their homework together constantly, so the last one became a moot point. Barely.

Eventually, Josh tapered off on the demand, but not until after the start of the next school year. Most people probably would have stopped a few weeks in, but most people weren’t Josh Washington. When he wanted something, the guy stuck to his guns and didn’t give it up for nothing. Not that he stopped entirely of course, Josh still brings it up during dares and shit but it becomes immensely more manageable. He notices that he doesn’t ask it of Ash during these game, but when he considers the completely mortified look she gets on her face when ever he gets asked, Chris figures that its probably for the best.

(The fact that he not only stops that day Chris walked back into Ash’s bedroom and she’s as red as her hair while shoving something into her desk drawer, but that’s also when the mortification starts, he doesn’t clue into until years later.)

So when Josh walks up to him during their first period together with the absolute shittiest of shit-eating grins on his face, Chris is on red high alert.

“Oh no. What did you do?”

The laugh Josh gives is low and dark, and if Chris’s hackles weren’t raised earlier, they sure as fucking-hell are now. “Oh no, Cochise. It’s not what I’ve done, it’s what you’ve done.” With that, Josh proceeds to just slam a binder onto Chris’s desk, and he looks to see that he recognizes it easily.

“Okay...? I don’t see what my math notes have to do with anything.”

Another laugh, this one somehow darker and eviler then the first. Oh boy, those alarms going off in his head aren’t getting any quieter. “Oh, it has absolutely everything to do with you.” Before Chris can even respond, Josh is already flipping through the pages, past older pieces of loose-leaf that ripped from the binder coils that he hadn’t bothered to repair and and the newer notes with their edges still intact, and stops at the most recent. At first Chris doesn’t see anything, it’s all his notes about logarithms that he had taken the previous day, blue ink scratchy and messy all across the page, and then he does. And he absolutely blanches at the sight and hurriedly slams the binder shut, putting his face in his arms as he covers his head, actually whimpering as he refuses to look at Josh.

He doesn’t have to look to see the triumphant grin on Josh’s face, he can already imagine it pretty clearly. 

“Oh fuck me.”

The worst part is that he didn’t even know it was there in the first place, he never would have lent his notes out otherwise. Josh had been missing more and more school recently, claiming that he was having killer headaches and they were making him sick, so Chris had done what friends do for each other and lent him his notes. What he didn’t realize was that at some point when he had been taking notes down, he had drawn a little heart in the margins with the initials CH+AB inside. Something he never would have done if Josh had been there with him, but he hadn’t been, so Chris had zoned out thinking about meeting up with Ash after school to bring Josh his homework.

He was so dead.

“What do you want?” Though muffled through his arms, he cringed at how small and weak his voice came out.

God, he could hear the stupid grin in Josh’s voice when he answered. “You know exactly what I want, Cochise. What I’ve always wanted.”

Chris didn’t remove his head from his arms on the desk, but he did turn it enough to narrow his eyes at Josh. “Are you fucking serious dude? Really? You’re still on about that shit?”

“I will never stop. You know this to be true.”

“I am not naming my stupid kid after you! I mean, maybe I won’t ever have kids. I’m certainly not gonna if I have to name them Josh!”

Josh rolled his eyes, but the wide grin never left his face. “You don’t have to name all of them after me. Just one.” Somehow, Chris watched the grin get even wider as a thought came to him. “Maybe two, if they’re twins. Can you imagine? The twins, Joshua and Joshlynn, it’ll be great!”

“Okay, now I’m definitely never having kids.”

Josh gave a short bark of laughter. "Please, like that’s ever gonna happen. You wanna know why, Cochise? Cause if Ash is gonna want kids, then you’re gonna want kids.”

He couldn’t help it. He really, truly couldn’t help it. The image of little kids with bright red hair and glasses flashed through his mind unbidden, and he groaned loudly and put his face back into his arms to hide how red his face had gotten.

“Anything else, dude. Make me do anything else. I will strip and run through the entire school naked if you want, just don’t make me promise you this stupid shit.” God, if only he hadn’t drawn that stupid heart on his stupid notes, then none of this would be happening right now! He sat up in his seat at the revelation. “Wait. I can just rewrite the page and burn this one.”

“Oh, Chris Chris Chris.” They way Josh shakes his head in disappointment sends around a million different alarm bells ringing. “Do you really think that little of me? I took like a million pictures my dude. This shit is saved forever. I can send this to Ash whenever the fuck I want. I can post this on whatever social media I feel like and it will live on the internet forever, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Oh. Right. Shit. “I can’t believe that you can literally blackmail me with anything right now, and this is the hill you’re dying on.”

“So are we in agreement then?”

“I cannot believe I’m saying this, but yes. Fine. I will name my stupid kid after your stupid ass.”

“Oh please. Your kid may be stupid, but there is no way that any kid of Ashley’s is gonna be.”

“...I hate you so much right now.”

--------------------------------------------------

Chris hadn’t meant to respond the way he did when he found the old notebook he had bought for Ash years ago. He really hadn’t. He had just been excited to find out that she had kept the stupid thing after all these years, he hadn’t even been joking when he told her that he had spent ages in the store looking for it. (”It has to be perfect, Mom! I can’t just buy her any stupid old journal, she loves these things! I mean, what if she hates it?”) So he had opened it and started flipping through the pages, laughing with her at all the stupid misspellings and bad grammar that her thirteen year-old self had written.

And then he reached the last page.

Things had really been out of his hands at that point. Something about seeing her writing her name down as ‘Ashley Hartley’ had just ignited something in him. The images of her walking down an aisle, of them with matching rings on their fingers, of kids running underfoot, was too much for him to handle. So Chris had kissed her. Kissed her like he was never gonna be able to do it again. Them falling onto her bed had been an accident, though a happy one, as they both didn’t hesitate to deepen the kiss.

Finally, he had pulled away and her giggle when she moved to fix his glasses had taken his breath away. It had quickly returned when his eyesight improved enough to really take in the image of Ash flushed pink with her red hair spread out under her on the bed, and he was suddenly reminded that she was going to be living with him soon! That this was a sight he was going to be waking up to every morning at the end of the month, and he had never wanted anything so bad in his life.

“So,” his voice is rougher than usual when he speaks and he can feel her shiver under him at it. He makes a note for future reference. “Ashley Hartley, huh?” 

He watches her bite her lip, and it takes everything in him to not kiss her again. Two years in, and he’s still amazed that he’s allowed to kiss her whenever he wants, that she encourages it even! “Be honest with me,” she starts off and Chris has never been told to do something so easy in his life, “what do you think of the name Joshlynn?”

He stares at her for just a moment, just letting her words sink in, and then falls forward to smother himself in her hair, his shoulders shaking he’s laughing so hard. Of course. Of fucking course he did.

“So he got you too, I see.”  

[swimmingnewsie]

Of Coffee and Cookies (Chapter 5)

Is it even my fic if I don’t update at three in the morning? Have some delicious angst guys!

Enjoy!

Link to AO3

---

"Oh come on! How was that supposed to be Santa Claus?"

"He's got a hat! And a bag and a sleigh!"

"If you can call those circles that, Krissy, we may need to get your eyes checked."

Anna smiled as she watched her family. Christmas magic filled the air as she watched her sister and friends squabble over pictionary. In the weeks leading up, Anna had been worried. It was the first Christmas she had spent without Hans in almost seven years after all.

She still missed him some days. Missed the way that he would cuddle and coddle her on his good days. The kisses and the flowers to make up for all the bruises and drunken arguments. Anna knew she was right to get out of there. His bad traits far outweighed the good, and at her core she knew that. She might not even be alive if Elsa and Kristoff hadn't come and got her out that day. 

But some part of her still missed him, or perhaps she just missed the feeling of being a part of a couple. The feeling came in waves, apparent small moments that would seem insignificant to others. Like now, their pictionary game was divided up into teams of couples or times when Elsa and Kristoff would go on double dates. While other times, the thought of being with someone paralyzed her with fear, never wanting to love someone like that again. The bruises on her skin may have healed, but the ones on her heart hadn't.

Elsa had gotten her started with a therapist when she moved into her sister’s apartment. Elsa knew well enough that Anna wasn’t alright, even before Anna would admit it to herself. She was having nightmares every night, wasn't leaving the house, wouldn't talk to anyone aside from her sister. Anna needed more help than she could provide alone. Therapy helped to bring her back to her feet. She felt less jumpy, less afraid overall when she talked with the therapist. She had a job now, and money of her own to spend without guilt from Hans. She was healing, but other wounds still needed more time. 

Even though she was nervous, something felt better about this Christmas. The California rain replaced the picturesque Colorado snow she was used to, but it was beautiful in its own way. While others might describe the weather as less than ideal, it felt homey to Anna. The decorations she and Elsa put up felt real and authentic compared to the decor Hans arranged to be put up every year. And a December 23rd with pizza and good friends was most definitely better than a December 24th with caviar and her high society "friends".

"Come on, Anna! Your turn, siblings versus siblings!" Ryder called coming over to give her a shake on the arm. Anna reflexively jerked backwards. She tried to brush it off, but Ryder noticed. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Let's go play." Anna gave him a half smile. "Elsa and I are going to kick your butts!"

"Oh no you aren't!"

---

Anna woke up to a scream the next morning coming from Elsa's room. She bolted out of bed, running to her big sister's bedroom.

"What happened? Are you hurt?" Anna asked before she was able to take in the scene.

"Anna! Amundsen! They- they approved our grant! Oh my god, oh my god!" Elsa squealed in a way that Anna had never seen before. She pulled her laptop screen and showed it to Anna. "Dr. Porter and Ms. Arendelle, we here at Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station are happy to inform you that the National Science Foundation has approved your grant for an extended stay in Antarctica for your study on microorganisms in glacial environments!"

Anna's eyes widened as she realized what her sister was saying. Elsa and her advisor had been working on that grant for months with a hope and prayer for their dream project. "Elsa, that's amazing!" She grabbed Elsa into a tight hug.

"I- I can't believe it's actually gonna happen." Elsa wiped at her eyes, trying and failing to stop her tears. "I've dreamed about it for so long. It doesn't seem real."

Anna gave Elsa a squeeze. "It very much is real, Elsie, very much so. That's one hell of a Christmas present though. I'm not sure Maren or I will be able to match that," she teased.

"Oh hush," Elsa teased.

"Says the one screaming at 7:30 in the morning."

Elsa blushed heavily with her eyes softening. "Sorry. I couldn't help it." Her eyes drifted to her girlfriend lying in bed softly snoring. "I'm surprised I didn't wake her up."

"Vodka can certainly work some magic," Anna laughed. "...among other things."

"Anna!" she scolded playfully. "We haven't done...whatever it is you're insinuating."

"Sure you haven't." Anna rolled her eyes before taking her sister's hand. "Come on! We've got celebratory pancakes to make!"

Elsa smiled, allowing her sister to drag her to the kitchen. "Chocolate chip?"

"What kind of celebration would it be without them?"

---

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day went by in a blur. There was plenty of good food and cheer all around as Anna and Elsa jumped from house to house. Ever since their parents had passed five years ago, Christmas was spent with found families of all shapes and sizes.

Elsa had grown to love Christmas in a way she hadn't as a child. Their parents were kind and loving and there was never a lack of presents, but it couldn't compare to extravagance of Christmas Eve with Kristoff's family. A house filled to the brim with children and adults, where dinner was eaten on knees over good conversation, and no one was alone. The first time he brought her, it was overwhelming and scary. But now, it was something to look forward to, something she was glad to share with Anna. 

Bulda, a portly woman of 50, accepted the two of them as if they were part of the family, no questions asked. Well that was a lie. Plenty of people asked them plenty of questions there: what was she studying now, had she been eating enough lately, how long until we can call you Dr. Elsa? But those were questions she would happily answer, questions that were simply part of being in a family.

Anna thrived with Kristoff's family. There were plenty of kids she could run around with and entertain. She told stories about Christmas in Colorado where the snow came from all angles and how it always snowed on Christmas like the songs said. It brought joy to Elsa's heart to see Anna so happy. Her younger sister had always wanted a large family, and it thrilled her to see Anna get what she always desired. Bring with Kristoff's family was a dream come true.

Christmas with Maren's family was calmer in comparison. It was a far more formal affair, and Elsa couldn't help but feel a bit uptight. She had met some of them at the wedding, but it was still nerve-wracking. She wanted to impress, but it proved challenging when all the men sat stiffly with their cigars and the other women were engaged in conversations of marriage and motherhood and white picket fences. Elsa was used to sticking out, but it didn't make it any easier.

"It's okay," Honeymaren whispered in her ear during dinner."That's just how Dad's family is at these things. They're showboating."

"It didn't feel this tight at the wedding," she muttered. "What's different?"

"Open bar."

But soon enough, the day's festivities came to a close. Anna and Elsa ended their night together, just the way they wanted. They exchanged presents with one another before curling up to watch It's a Wonderful Life.

"Did you have a good day?" Elsa asked running an easy hand through her sister's hair.

"I did," Anna said, resting her head against Elsa's side. "Did you?"

Elsa hummed in agreement. "We were together. That's all I've wanted for so long." She felt hot tears falling into her side. Elsa looked down to see her sister crying. "Anna, love, what's wrong?" she asked, wiping away tears.

"It's my fault we haven't been together all those years! If I just left him! If I didn't believe his lies! We could have- we could have!" Anna broke into heavy sobs in her sister's arms.

Elsa felt her heart shatter, just like it did every time Anna blamed herself. She would be damned if that manipulative asshole ruined Anna's first Christmas in forever though. "Anna. Look at me," she said gently. Elsa knew firsthand how easily scared Anna could get in this state. "You are not at fault for his choices and what he did to you and how he made you feel. You did what you thought was right. And I never want you to think that I'm upset because you did what you needed to survive."

Anna sobbed loudly in her arms while Elsa rubbed soft circles on her back. "I love you more than anyone or anything, Anna. You are not unworthy of that love, regardless of anything that has happened in our past or anything that will happen in our future. Do you understand?"

Anna nodded as she clinged to Elsa. Her tears were starting to slow, but she still felt so so much. "Thank you."

"Why don't we get ready for bed? It's been a long day for everyone," Elsa suggested, looking around the room at their three cats, happily sleeping.

Anna nodded again. "Can I sleep in your bed tonight? I don't... I don't wanna be alone right now."

Elsa stood and offered a hand to her sister. "Only if you bring your own blanket. You're a blanket hog!" she teased.

Anna smiled, taking her hand. "At least I don't talk in my sleep!"

"You can put headphones on and ignore my lectures. There's nothing I can do about a cold bed!" It made them both laugh. "Come on, you stinker, let's go."

Anna fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, while Elsa's insomnia visited her yet again. But for once, she didn't mind. The day was great. Her grant was approved. She spent a lovely day with Maren and her family. But best of all, her sister was safe and sound, and they were together. That truly was the greatest present of all.

[alarawriting]

Inktober #2: Mindless

The patient was sitting on the table, dressed in a hospital gown, looking deeply irritated. “I don’t even know why I’m here. I wanted to go to Five Guys,” he said. “Why didn’t you take me to Five Guys?”

The woman with him – close to the same age, late 20’s or early 30’s – sighed. She sounded exasperated. “Greg, we have talked about this. You’re here because—”

“You know, there’s a great sale on fishing gear at Walmart. I could be at Walmart right now buying fishing gear.”

“You don’t even fish!”

“Hello,” I said. “I’m Dr. Park. What brings you here today?”

“Nothing!” Greg Landers, my patient, said. He was a white guy with brown hair and stubble on his face, medium build, and looked overall reasonably healthy. “I’m fine! I just want to go to Five Guys. Or you know, Charles Schwab is a great place to open up your 401K. They’ve got a satisfaction guarantee. You won’t see that at every investment firm!”

“He’s been like this for days,” the woman with him said. “He won’t go to work, he won’t do chores around the house… he eats, but he spends the whole time complaining that it’s not some restaurant he wants to go to. Mostly Five Guys. Greg doesn’t even like burgers that much.”

“I don’t think we’ve been introduced, Ms.--?”

“Oh, I’m Nicole Landers. I’m Greg’s wife.” I’d figured it was something like that.

“So tell me about Greg’s online activities. Do you know what he’s been doing lately?”

“Playing Hell War!” Greg said eagerly. “It doesn’t cost any money to play! I want to know if I have what it takes to beat the Lords of Hell!”

Nicole sighed again. “Two weeks ago you were telling me that Hell War was a cheap cash grab and that it’s impossible to win without spending your entire paycheck on in-app purchases. Also you’ve never liked mobile games.”

“Has he played any VR games recently?”

“Are we done here? I am really jonesing for some Five Guys. And then we can go over to Walmart!”

“Oh, yeah,” Nicole said. “We both play Fimbulwinter – that’s a survival game about a post-apocalyptic world plunged into eternal winter – and La Vie en Verte, that’s virtual gardening. He also plays Beyond the Blue Event Horizon, that’s a space game, but I’m not into that so much.”

Time to be politic. “Do you think he might ever have played a… well, a porn sim? Or been on a site for pirating games?”

“You know, I think I want my next car to be a Hyundai Annunciator. Those cars are slick. And they handle like anything, even in bad weather! And the mileage before recharge, wow. Amazing batteries on those guys!”

To my surprise, Nicole laughed. “Oh, yeah, Greg does porn sims. He’s bi and genderfluid, so he likes to go online in a female avatar and have sex with dudes. Not really my thing, but he lets me watch if I want.” My shock must have shown on my face. “What? It’s the 21st century, you think I’m one of those women who clutches pearls and has the vapors if my husband plays porn games? I can’t be a man for him and I’m too straight to want him when he’s wearing femmy clothes, but the porn sim can give him those things without him exposing himself to diseases or other risks by going with real people.”

While Nicole was explaining this, Greg told us what upcoming movies he thought were going to be “really awesome”, repeated his request for Five Guys, tried to explain the plot of Hell War in five-word sentences that were plainly marketing material, and talked about the lawnmower he wanted. Nicole rolled her eyes as he finished. “Greg, we live in an apartment. We don’t even have a lawn!”

“We could go to Century 21 and shop for a house! I know their agents will put us first.”

“And why would we want to do that?”

“So we can have a lawn! The Home Depot sells the best grass seed—”

He went on like this, but I stopped listening. “I don’t need to check anything else, Nicole. I’m sorry. Your husband’s become a zombie.”

“A what?” Nicole looked horrified. Belatedly I realized that just because she played VR games and was open-minded about her husband’s porn habit didn’t mean she was IT-savvy enough to know what I was talking about.

“Sorry, that’s not the medical term for them. He’s still alive, and physically he’s fine. But mentally, his consciousness isn’t operating his body. His brain’s been hijacked by an information virus.”

“An information virus? And what’s that got to do with zombies?”

“An information virus is like a computer virus for people. And we call people infected with this type ‘zombies’ because they’re not actually conscious.”

Nicole looked at Greg, who was animatedly explaining why TGIFriday was the best sit-down restaurant, ever, but Five Guys was in a league of its own. “He looks pretty conscious to me.”

“Ask yourself, Nicole, when Greg is normally conscious, does he spend his entire time sounding like a series of poorly mastered YouTube commercials?”

“No, that’s why I brought him here!”

“Right. The human brain can do an amazing lot of stuff without being conscious of it. You ever set out to drive a certain way, but part of it goes the way you usually do to a different destination, and you find that without paying attention you’ve somehow managed to drive halfway to the place you usually go rather than the place you’re trying to get to?”

“I hardly ever drive. We have self-driving cars.”

I controlled the impulse to sigh. That one was the best explanation. “Ok, well, if you think about how you type on a keyboard – when you start, you’re awkward and you’re hunting and pecking. But it gets to the level of muscle memory and you can just do it, without having to consciously think about it. Or mastering the controls for a new game.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“I wanna go home and watch CSI: Racial Justice Unit! That is the best show on television today. You know it won an Emmy last year, right?”

“Greg’s brain has been hijacked by an information virus that compels him to advertise for maybe up to 40 different brands that he’s aware of. He probably caught the virus on a porn site; that or an illegal pirated game site, those are usually the biggest vectors. Some of those brands might be aware that the advertisers they’re working with are engaged in really shady practices like this, but most think they’re paying for ‘brand ambassadors’ who’ve voluntarily chosen to talk up the brand to their family and friends. The virus lets him do anything you can do without being conscious, and it turns out, that’s a lot more than people think it is. But right now he has no sense of rational judgement, his normal levels of compassion and empathy are almost entirely turned off, and he has no awareness that everything he says is an advertisement.”

“So – what can we do? Is it curable? Is he suffering? Oh, God, is he trapped inside his own mind while his body is running around spouting ads?”

“No. The real Greg, his actual consciousness, isn’t awake – that’s kind of what happens when people aren’t conscious. And yes, it’s very curable. I’m going to have him sit in this booth with a VR headset on and watch a detoxification protocol, and that should do the trick.”

“It won’t hurt him, will it?”

“No, not at all. It just nullifies the virus and wakes him up.”

“Ok. Let’s do that then.”

“Mr. Landers!” I interrupted his monologue about the Hyundai Annunciator. “Can you sit in this chair and put on this headset, please?”

“But I’m really hungry. I want Five Guys.”

“I think Nicole would be happy to take you to Five Guys after you watch this short VRdeo. Isn’t that right, Nicole?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.” From her expression I could tell she would rather swallow a live earthworm, but anything to get him to sit down and watch.

“Well, okay. Long as I can have Five Guys after.” Greg sat down in the chair, I put the headset on him, and for ten minutes, that was that. I talked to Nicole about the importance of strong antivirals on the VR headset, not just relying on your network firewall, and maybe running a quick one-minute detox scan after ending a game.

The timer beeped, and I removed Greg’s headset. “How do you feel, Greg?” I asked.

“Okay, I guess, but I still want to go get Five Guys. Hey, Nickie, you promised, can we leave now?”

My eyebrows went up. “That’s… unusual.”

“It didn’t work?” Nicole was clearly on the verge of a panic attack.

“It didn’t, but calm down. This just means I have to go to the next level and do a manual treatment. That’s going to take a while, but I’m really curious as to how this particular bug survived the detox, so I tell you what; if you can wait, I have, I think, three more patients on the schedule for today, and then we can do Greg’s treatment.” Normally I’d ask them to make a second appointment for a thing like this, but my detox VRdeo was brand new, just updated yesterday. I wanted to see what kind of bug could get through a brand new scan, and I didn’t want to wait until next week or whenever my calendar was clear enough for a half hour session.

“I… guess we can wait…”

“Well, if we’re not doing anything, then how about we go to Five Guys?”

“Just take him,” I said. “It might shut him up for a little while, and it’s not likely to do him any harm.”

“But Greg doesn’t even like burgers.”

“Greg Landers the human man with a unique intelligence and personality doesn’t like burgers. Greg the Zombie, the cookie-cutter advertising goon, does. Unless he’s got allergies or sensitivities and can’t eat burgers—”

“No, he just doesn’t like them.” Nicole looked at her feet. “I… guess I could take him. When do we have to be back?”

I gave her my best estimate of how long it was going to take to get through the last three patients, and then as I walked them to the door I let the receptionist know to expect them back.

***

Once they were back, I sat Greg down with an interactive VRdeo that I’d be running with him, and then sat down and put on my own headset.

The information viruses work by directly injecting “code” from the brain’s “operating system” through either the optic or auditory channels, or both, but you don’t perceive them as code. You perceive them as something else. I don’t know what Greg saw – for everyone it’s different – but for me, it was very brief flashes of something I could barely see, something dark and full of wrongness, accompanied by a very brief flash of panic and horror. My brain knows when something’s trying to invade it from the outside. But my headset had the newest antivirals on it and the best, most sophisticated dedicated firewall, so for me the code injection attempts were just that, attempts.

The VRdeo that was running was highly interactive, keyed to produce full sensorium response – a perfect breeding ground for a zombie virus. Greg’s viruses couldn’t resist the opportunity to replicate and invade someone else. But that was not happening today. As the viruses struck out at me, my security grappled with them, analyzed them, and fed me images that in turn I could feed back to Greg that would neutralize that particular virus.

When we were finished, I once again asked him, “How do you feel, Greg?”

He was looking around in bewilderment. “This… is a doctor’s office? How the hell did I even get here? Did I pass out or something, Nickie?”

“Oh, thank God!” Nicole said.

“Looks like that did the trick,” I said. “Make sure you run antivirals, like I said. Good ones, don’t skimp on the cost. If you’ve got the money to game, you’ve got the money to protect yourself while gaming.”

“Thank you, Doctor, you’re a wonder—”

“What the hell is going on? What was wrong with me?”

I let Nicole explain to her husband as they walked out the door, and I locked up for the night. It’d been a long day, and I was hungry. I could really go for some Five Guys.

[hungergames-fanfic]

Sleep My Little Dora

To make sure no one steals our horses or carriage daddy pays a local man to keep watch. Cause the stew pot is hot and momma Bilmin carries the basket of bread up the flights of stairs, it's my job to run up before them to open the exit door. Down the hallway, sounds of children crying and faint yelling can be heard through the walls. When we get to the Oxoro's door, I can hear the sounds of gunshots. They're watching television, most likely an illegal film. Movies of any kind aren't allowed unless they’re filmed from home or shown on one of the government approved channels.

Eddy opens the door by just a crack. He peeks out and I'm the first he focuses his eyes on. My cheeks feel warm. Spotting daddy he opens the door wide and steps aside. In here, normally empty, it's full of people who turn away from the television to see who it is. On the sofa sit Mr Oxoro, a woman and another man. On the floor is Vano, outside the window is Omarion talking to someone out of view, i assume it’s Felix. Next to him, with her foot inside is a girl that catches my eye.

At first she looks like a boy. Fluffy short hair sticks out the front of her backwards hat, she wears a big green shirt and black shorts. Her socks too big for her skinny ankles, they fall loosely off her foot.

Mr Oxoro stands up once he sees daddy and helps momma Bilmin with the basket. He welcomes us in the house and introduces us to everyone. When he says my name everyone turns to look at my arm. Including Felix who peeks in. I'm guessing they know about what happened.

"That's my sister Jenae, her husband Otto", Mr Oxoro points, "eldest you've met Vano, that at the window is Jocabeth and", he chuckles, "the little one is Abie". From the small hallway a girl sticks her head out the Oxoro sons room. "You go on Isadora", Mr Oxoro says to me, "boy been excited to see you". This brings out a big smile on my face.

In the room, across from the door, Efrain lays in his bed. He smiles wide and calls me to go closer. "It's okay, Eddy made sure to clean everythin' up and i got my shots", regardless of what he says, I still run and give him the biggest hug. "Oof", he goes and chuckles.

"Efrain!" I yelp, "so much has happened, so much i wanna tell you", I chant happily. He chuckles and looks at my cast. "I bet", he says.

I spill the second I sit on the middle bed, Felix's. I tell Efrain about being so alone during lunch and after school. How I tried to be better friends with Wendy and the other kids we play with when I come over, but none were as fun to be around. I tell him how one day I had an extra piece of bread and spotted Ari sitting all alone. "Ari?", he asks. "Yeah, Arielle", "Arielle!?", Efrain exclaims with his eyes wide. Excitedly I tell him about all the fun that I've had with her. How every day in lunch and after school we spend time together. How at home we always play games or play outside with the animals. I don’t admit we play dolls the most. I laugh when I tell him about getting lost in the shopping center in Littleburg, taking a bath with her and then working in the farm as punishment. I tell him about being in trouble for lying, having to work in the farm as punishment and getting injured riding Milk. I also mention taking Ari home before coming here but I never tell him about the kisses.The one she gave me the other night and the one I gave her this afternoon. Secrets I plan to keep forever.

With a big smile on his face Efrain talks about how glad he is that Ari and me are friends, how excited he is to talk with her when he goes back to school and playing around in my house. I've also decided not to mention how much she doesn't like him.

"Ya'll sound like Vano and Bethy. Girls, girls, girls, i'm tired of it, so can we please finish watchin’ Lizard Sphere A", Abie snaps and rolls her eyes at us. Efrain and I laugh but neither pays attention to the animated show, instead he shows me all the drawings he's drawn while in bed rest.

While he shows me some really cool ones of me and him being space men and Abie choking in the background, I can't help but to stare at him the same way I did to Ari earlier. Last I saw him, Efrain's wasn’t this skinny. He practically resembles Ari, whom he used to be a little bigger-than. He's also a lot more pale and sickly like his momma. His eyes are sunken and his cheekbones stick out. He looks like he's at the verge of death with only a smile keeping him alive.

"Y'all come eat", Jocabeth says at the door. She leans in with a bored look on her face, like nothing is cool enough for her. For a split second, I wish I was her. I stare at my light orange dress, my frilly, itchy socks and white, shiny belted shoes. I pull on a curl that already rests on my hand, how I wish I were as comfortable as her. In the living room, I stare at her nonstop taking in her personality. Everyone laughs at everything she says, eating a piece of cooked lettuce from her soup with her hands, burping as loud as she wants, joking and laughing so care free. If I ever ate with my hands and burped that loud i'd be in trouble. I wish I was funny too.

While we all enjoy momma Bilmin’s cooking, the adults talk amongst themselves, they mention the cost of living and how the president doesn't care about us. This catches my attention.

"Some bloke started a union a few months ago, found'em dead in a ditch and a lot of folk got fired. They ain't waste a second though, next day the factory was full of new workers", Eddy says. He looks irritated and waves his arms with annoyance.

"It's like we brought bad luck or some", Jenae ways touching her forehead. She looks upset.

"Naw auntie, there was rumors 'bout this from the start. I'm just worried 'bout findin' another job", Eddy says thoughtful.

"I'm in need of some hands", daddy speaks up with a shrug, "c'mon Asmel, I've told you this", daddy turns to Mr Oxoro.

The conversation goes on and on until everyone agrees that Eddy and Vano start working for daddy from now on. Apparently Mr Oxoro's sister and family were kicked out of their home from a shark? Now they live here and will be staying until they get the money to move out. Daddy invites Mr Otto to work in our ranch too but he jokes that he's one of the new workers in the meat factory. Mrs Jenae claims she cares for Mrs Oxoro and the kids. In a way, it makes me happy to hear someone is here to care for my best friend.

After dinner we all sit in front of the television. Blowing a bubble with her gum, Jocabeth puts a movie in the VCR. "A classic", Mr Oxoro says hugging his wife who's wheelchair has been rolled right next to him. On her lap sits Efrain snuggling with her arm and next to momma Bilmin, I hold her hand and watch, occasionally turning my gaze out the window. There Felix, Eddy, Omarion, Vano and Jocabeth joke about. I wish I was old enough to hang out with them.

The movie starts off in a dessert, how humanity has decayed and withered except for a couple of people living like ferals. They fight for food and water, some even fight for money. Those wanting to be rich steal from those already poor and hungry, "not far from the truth", Mr Oxoro says. Just as I fully invest myself into the movie my thumb reminds me of all the times I bumped my hand on to something. I try to keep the pain to myself but its not until I can't ignore it that I speak up. Daddy uses this as an excuse to go home, says my pain medication has worn off and he forgot it. Jenae, who's been eyeing daddy all night is the first to hug us goodbye. She bumps into my hand. I'd shriek, drop and die but I don't want the older kids to think i'm a wuss. Instead I hold on to the tears in until we leave the apartment.

On the way home I silently cry so much I fall asleep only to wake up when I feel my hand hit the bed. Daddy's carried me inside, taken off my socks and gives me kiss before he leaves. I don't know for how long I sleep until I'm woken up again.

The lights in my room are turned on, I shut my eyes tight and cover my face with my arm. Someone slaps my hand off my face, forcing me to look at them.

"What is this I hear bout you kissin' girls?", momma snaps at me. "That. Is. Disgusting. You hear me? Where have you seen women kissin' other women?" She raises her voice angrily. Momma Bilmin, woken up, comes out her room and into mines. Momma explains to her how I kissed Ari on the lips just this afternoon. She says it grossed out as if I had stepped on poop and got in bed.

"She ain't hurtin' nobody!", momma Bilmin snaps at momma. Daddy walks in my room too, he stands in between them just as momma Bilmin tries to get in momma’s face. My warm tears quietly roll down my face just like they did on the way home, only now the pain is in my chest. I've never made momma this mad before. She ain't ever yell at me this loud either.

"No, no, no!", momma yells pushing daddy’s arm away and turns to me. "I don't wanna see that little red head in my house ever again, you hear me?" She connects her thumbs with her index fingers, making her point. "I don't wanna see or hear bout you kissin' girls, Dora! When? Where has she seen any of this? Sure as hell not from me!", she screams and walks out the room still scolding me from the hallway. Daddy shoots me a look of worry and goes after momma. The rest of the night I sleep in momma Bilmin's room. She combs my hair with her fingers, sings a lullaby and assures me there's nothing wrong with liking who I like. Still, I cry until I've fallen back asleep with only one thought in mind. Liking girls is not normal, it's gross. Momma said so.

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[cumulohimbus]

100 things I want to do in my lifetime

So, I had a really good conversation today with friends, and I opened up briefly about my stay in a psych ward a few years ago. It came up because I am acutely aware that I haven't been doing well, and am scared to return to a situation anything like my previous stay at said ward despite knowing that being hospitalized would probably be very beneficial at this time in my life. Talking about it did make me remember something though, something that gave me a lot of hope. While my experience with a psych ward was overwhelmingly negative, there was a part of treatment that really got through to me at the time. It especially helped with my suicidal ideation, which is something that's been really problematic for me again lately. Since I remembered it, I'm going to revisit the exercise, and I encourage anyone and everyone who also struggles with suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, mental health issues, or even if you're just having a bad day, to give this a try. It's simple. Make a list of 100 things you want to do in your life. They can be as realistic or unrealistic as you want them to be. They can be big, long-term goals, or small, silly goals, and everything in between. The only rules are to write 100 things, and to avoid sarcastic or pessimistic things like saying one of your goals is to die or something like that. Save the list! Then someday you can go back and cross off things that you've accomplished or edit as you see necessary. Without further ado, here is my list:

1. I want to get my name legally changed to Larkspur Emmett so my dead name is no more

2. I want to get top surgery

3. I want to rekindle relationships within my family, especially with my cousins

4. I want to get scuba certified

5. I want to dive over the "sunken island" location on the lake my family had a cabin on that I visited frequently while growing up

6. I want to go diving in general, seeing a coral reef in person is an especially huge dream of mine

7. I want to rekindle my knowledge of the Spanish language and eventually become fluent

8. I want to continue learning American Sign Language

9. I want to learn more about my ancestry; I know I'm a vast mix of probably mostly European blood, but my family comes from so many different places and I'd like to know more about them

10. I want to finish the art commission I started for my close friend

11. I want to travel to places like Costa Rica, Japan, Chile, and Australia

12. I want to go on exotic travel adventures with a future romantic partner or close friend

13. I want to get my Bachelor's degree

14. I want to earn enough money to live comfortably, probably with pets

15. I want to adopt a pembroke welsh corgi

16. I want to beat my eating disorder(s) for good and be able to stop taking medication to help if at all possible

17. I want to go ziplining

18. I want to go skydiving

19. I want to hike through the Monteverde biological cloud forest reserve in Costa Rica

20. I want to develop a drag persona and perform as my persona on a regular basis

21. I want to make a fursuit (yes I said it, fite me)

22. I want to finish an entire animated music video

23. I want to learn more about plants and successfully keep one alive for longer than a year

24. I want to try my hand at raising an ant colony

25. I want to go swimming more often

26. I want to learn more martial arts

27. I want to learn to be a leader in my community

28. I want to work harder in my college classes

29. I want to learn to not fear loneliness and abandonment, and to appreciate my alone time

30. I want to get (many) more self-designed tattoos

31. I want to continue learning how to appreciate my body without caring about other people's opinions on what is considered "attractive"

32. I want to eat more whole foods both because they're healthy for me and taste far better than anything with chemicals in it

33. I want to meet a few famous people in person, can't think of many off the top of my head though, but I know there are a couple

34. I want to take dance classes again

35. I want to learn how to play a musical instrument (I mean, I took 7 years of piano and can kinda read music, but I wanna learn an instrument that's better suited for short fingers lolol, maybe french horn?)

36. I want to finish the paintings I've started

37. I want to learn how to digitally render things realistically

38. I want to finish the fanfiction piece I started a couple years ago

39. I want to become more patient and less envious

40. I want to heccing fly, okay?

41. I want to feel like relaxation is deserved and expected, and not a luxury only for those who can afford it

42. I want to reassemble an animal skeleton

43. I want to dig up a fossil (specifically of some sort of mesozoic creature, that'd be so cool)

44. I want to get back to using my planner

45. I want to play more (board, card, video, etc.) games with my friends

46. I want to disassociate less and be present in the real world more often

47. I want to be more informed about what is going on both in general, but especially in my more immediate environment

48. I want to take up better drawing habits (more life drawing, warm ups, breaks, etc.)

49. I want to try a real goddamn piña colada, bonus points if it's on the beach

50. I want to try existing in a portable living situation, like a renovated bus or van, for a while

51. I want to learn basic wilderness survival skills

52. I want to learn how to identify many different species of all types of organisms, especially plants and animals

53. I want to get my vehicle fixed up nice and maybe hand paint some things on it

54. I want to learn more about different cultures because they're fascinating and I want to be as respectful of all people as I possibly can be

55. I want to paint the waterfall jungle mural of my dreams in my future house

56. I want to gain better control of my emotions and my responses to them

57. I want to fabricate a working pair of wings for human beings

58. I want to learn/do more embroidery

59. I want to get a cerulean blue Corvette stingray

60. I want to get better about not procrastinating

61. I want to go to more events/be more involved wherever I am

62. I want to go for more walks to places I haven't been to before, bonus points if it's in the middle of the night and/or in the rain

63. I want to do things like play in inflatable obstacle courses and ride on roller coasters without caring about whether other people judge me for doing those things as an adult

64. I want to regain the physical strength I have lost from being sedentary while my mental health has been at its lowest

65. I want to spend more time laying in the sunshine, preferably with the bare minimum of clothes on because I enjoy the warmth on my skin

66. I want to cuddle more with others that feel comfortable enough to participate in that with me

67. I want to learn more about the fabrication of clothing and design/make some outfits for myself

68. I want to cosplay, maybe go to a convention sometime

69. I want to go skinny dipping >:3 (look, it's number 69 on the list, okay?)

70. I want to try all sorts of foods I've never had before

71. I want to see a butterfly leaving its cocoon in real life again

72. I want to read more of the books I own

73. I want to be kissed by someone again...it's been over 4 years...

74. I want to eliminate my habit of requiring a Youtube gaming playlist to be playing in order for me to fall asleep

75. I want to learn more about the history of the lgbtqia2s+ community

76. I want to learn how to cook for myself better, and like, actually use those skills on a regular basis

77. I want to learn how to take care of my vehicle better on my own, like how to change a tire and such

78. I want to learn to communicate better, and just, in general how to be the best friend I can be

79. I want to stop using all substances for the purpose of drowning out my surroundings and messing with my temporal senses, if I'm going to drink/smoke/get high/whatever, I want it to be because I want to for fun, not because I want the chemicals to take the edge off my mental illness(es)

80. I want to start taking better care of my dental hygiene

81. I want to learn more about my legal rights and finances and other "adult" stuff that doesn't really get taught to you unless you specifically go looking for it

82. You know the somewhat obnoxious game Bop It? Yeah, I want one of those again, keeps me entertained for a long time

83. I want to design more things in general, more characters and their outfits and personalities and the worlds they live in, I enjoy that

84. I want to spend more time outdoors with my friends, watch sunsets and collect miscellaneous objects from the universe and such

85. I want to teach someone something, sit down and maybe teach someone how I draw or about something that I am at least somewhat knowledgeable about

86. I want to go to more aquariums; if/when I travel more I want to go to every aquarium I come across

87. I want to start a legit collection of something and like, build it up over a long period of time so it gets pretty impressive

88. I want to get my eyes surgically corrected so I don't have to wear glasses or fiddle with contacts

89. I want to learn more about Greek and Latin roots and just words and symbolism in general

90. I want to lose the embarrassment I have about my hyperfixations because I deserve to not feel ashamed of the things that bring me satisfaction and joy, and it's okay if other people don't share my enthusiasm about such things, I just want to learn to not be embarrassed that I like stuff

91. I want to get over my fears/discomfort re: nudity, especially for life drawing classes; see, it's one thing to see someone nude and divert my eyes but for life drawing I'm kinda forced to look...

92. I want to understand myself better and learn to love me instead of the opposite; I want to be full of love for the beautiful people around me and I want to really solidify in my brain that I am one of those beautiful people

93. I want to do more things for others that are meaningful because that makes me happy, and I want to learn to do those things while also respecting everyone's, including my own, boundaries

94. I want to develop a sleep schedule that is healthy and appropriate, and that I'm able to maintain

95. I want to run in the rain more often and jump in puddles (edit: while typing this it started storming out and I had to run outside in my bunny pajama short-shorts, winter boots, and a sweatshirt, to grab my box of silly plant seed experiments before they blew away, so progress is already being made)

96. I want to get over my intense fear of making phone calls

97. I want to learn how to sing better with my new and improved deeper voice from being on Testosterone

98. I want to get my first tattoo fixed up and hopefully renew the meaning it had to me at the time that I got it -- I want to try to keep that promise

99. I want to spend more time actively working on improving my mental health

100. I want to see more, I want to learn more, I want to do more, I want to be the version of myself that is genuinely amazed and curious by all manner of things, and I know that part of me is still there

And now, once you've finished your list, you have 100 reasons to not give up, because there's no way of knowing what you're capable of doing if you don't exist to try.

[raganandhersurveys]

5/21/21~5000 question survey 201-300 {CXVII}

This has been in the drafts for far too long lol

201. Put these creatures in order from what you would least like to be reincarnated as (1), to what you would most like to be reincarnated as (10) assuming reincarnation ended up existing AND you were given a choice: caterpillar, house dog, wild dog, vulture, male human, female human, oak tree, rock, manta ray, dolphin 

~female human, dolphin, male human, house dog, manta ray, wild dog, caterpillar, oak tree, vulture, rock

 202. What do you feel unworthy of? 

~sometimes i feel like i don’t deserve the love that people give me. but i definitely don’t dwell on that thought 

 203. Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person? 

~doing something for humanity; that effects more people 

 204. Which do you value more: science or intuition? 

~honestly depends on what it is haha. i lead with my heart more than my brain sometimes 

 205. Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first? 

~...... i hate questions where i have to choose one person over another, i can’t choose 

206. Does the universe revolve around human beings?

~lol nope we exist in it just like everything else. we took it upon ourselves to feel as though we are superior 

207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish you still were?

~no, that thought has never even crossed my mind

208. Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now?

~i rlly don’t know that many poets 

209. What is your favorite song from the 90's? 

~my heart will go on~ celine dion; stereotypical ik but like i love that song

 210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be? 

~the r ofc:)

 211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.?

~i definitely believe in angels. as far as aliens and ghosts are concerned, i for the mots part believe in them but i am a little skeptical and someone can be a dwarfed person so i believe in that too, but the elves and fairies are a no go. 

212. What makes you want to be someone’s friend? 

~if we have similar interests, if they’re funny, kind, if they’re open minded and deep, and like to eat food a lot because i sure do

 213. Do you troll around the Internet harassing people anonymously for fun? 

~bahaha i have a life lol 

 214. Have you ever seen the movie A Man Who Fell to Earth?

~nope

 215. What is your favorite line from a movie? 

~”ughhh! as if”

216. What's your favorite video game? 

~i don’t rlly play video games lol

 217. Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours? 

~yeahhhhhh

 218. What is one phrase people say that irritates you?

~”we love that”

 219. You allow strangers to read your diary, but would you let your parents read it?

~lol never

220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower?

~depends on my mood. if i have something to do i’d obviously choose the shower lol

221. Are you allergic to anything? 

~nope

222. What is your favorite Terminator movie?

~i don’t rlly like any of them

 223. What is your favorite fast food?

~chick-fil-a!!!!

224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again?

~cheat on me or hurt someone i love

225. Would (or have) you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed? 

~i have never and will never whip or be whipped in bed hahaha

 226. Have you ever said 'I hate everyone' and really meant it literally? 

~lol no

 227. Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend?

~greedyyyyyyy oooh. money is also an addiction i feel like; for some people they will never have enough 

 228. Have you ever won a carnival fish?

~:((((( no

229. Did it live more than a week? 

~^

 230. What's the best sounding accent a person can have? 

~i love a spanish accent or italian/bostson accents too 

231. What's the most boring thing you've ever read? 

~some book for school probably 

232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens? 

~ig touch screens

233. Do you think there is a lot of similarity between the Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series? 

~there rlly is but they’re worded differently because they were written in such different times. i enjoyed both but i love lotr. 

234. Would you consider yourself to be naive?

~in some regards, yes 

235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail?

~andrew 

236. What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it?

~honestly if it was a $20 dollar bill

 237. Would you ever wear real fur?

~no

238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks?

~huh?

239. What are your feelings about police officers? 

~not all of them are bad. Yes there are corrupt ones but can’t any career have corrupt employers? I would feel safer having them than not so I do not support the whole ACAB movement

 240. What is your favorite line from a song? 

~i have no idea lmao like my mind went totally blank

 241. Is fifty dollars a lot of money?

~to me yeah haha

242. Do you like the band Front 242 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Front_242)? 

~i’ve never heard of them

243. Would you rather have fame, money, or self-satisfaction? 

~self-satisfaction

244. What's your middle name? 

~alexandria

 245. What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?

~probs pee in a public place 

246. Are you good, evil or neutral?

~i’d say neutral lmao

 247. Should ebonics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ebonics) be considered a language?~sure lol 

248. What color is your bedroom? 

~sage green

What color would you like it to be? 

~i want my next room to have just white walls 

249. When are you planning to move to a new home? 

~well i move into my college suite in august 

250. If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be?

~well i’m not in my room right now so i have no idea

251. Do you blow your nose in public?

~i try to avoid it but you gotta do what you gotta do

252. Do you want to follow in your parent's footsteps?

~in some ways yes, but in other ways absolutely not

 253. What is the coolest web site you know of? 

~any online shopping place haha

254. Which cartoon would you most like to see turned into a movie? 

~most of them have already been turned into movies and they aren’t that great

255. Of the following, which word best describes you: enthusiastic, fair minded, generous, helpful 

~i’d say fair minded overall

256. Can you eat with chopsticks?

~no but i wish i could haha

257. Could you tell real money from counterfeit?

~most likely no

258. What do you think about school uniforms?

~i’m so glad i went to a public school and didn’t have to wear one. i love clothes and creating outfits so i’d hate to have to wear the same thing like every day

 259. What ancient civilization would you most like to visit?

~either egypt or greece

 260. What would make a great new Crayola color?

~do they have a sage green color?

261. If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does that cast doubt over its significance as a work of art? 

~not necessarily. I feel like it’s hard to do anything artistic like that without a purpose or meaning

 262. If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration? 

~ariana grande or sza 

 263. Who is the greatest philosopher of your country? 

~me lol 

264. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? 

~i feel like it went to borrowing and to funding the military

265. Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child? 

~i feel like as a child it was easier 

 266. Who knows more...you, or your parents?

~depends on the topic tbh 

 267. What instrument would you like to be famous for playing? 

~electric guitar or piano

 268. Children fill its lungs completely with air. Adults breathe in a more shallow way, not filling their lungs completely. Why the change? 

~that is not a question for me lol

 269. Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars? 

~mmmmmm yeah tbh LMAO

270. Are you completely in control of your body? 

~i guess lol

 271. Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittering bouquet OR flowers that were hand picked as they grew beside the parkway? 

~i’d love either. sometimes money is the thought for someone but hand picked is so special to 

 272. Do you know yourself well enough to understand why you feel the way you do?

~in some instances, yes. but then sometimes i’ll feel a random emotion at times. there are times where i’ll just feel really sad and I don’t know why lol 

273. Which do you do more often: let movies, songs and books put your feelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself? 

~both but the songs and books do it so beautifully 

274. Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product? 

~usually not lol

 275. What kind of movies do you wish were made more often?

~i’m always down for a good horror movie 

 276. Does fashion matter to you? 

~yesss! that’s the field i want to enter 

277. Should politicians be held to the same legal standards as everyone else? 

~of course, if not more so 

 278. What do you get in trouble for the most? 

~my mom always says i do things last minute 

279. Should parents spank their kids? 

~you do what you wanna do as a parent

 280. What is your worst daily habit? 

~eating unhealthy foods lol

 281. If you had your choice which one TV show would you have canceled?

~pretty little liars because it’s literally knock off gossip girl

282. Do you like the taste of sweet or salt?

~definitely salt 

 283. Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts? 

~not always lol 

284. What do you feel the most guilty about? 

~sometimes i feel like i let people down because some of my decisions still depend on other people (ex: if my mom says no to something that someone asked me to do)

 285. Do you meditate?

~no

286. Can dreams be visions, or do you feel they are always random images?

~i think they can be visions but i feel that most of the time they are random images

 287. Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way?

~why are so many of these questions about this lmao um it depends if i have a grasp on my emotions in that moment 

288. The thief _______ that everyone steals. What verb would you fill in the blank with? 

~is jealous?

289. What's the most incredible experience you ever had?

~one night a year or so ago me and some friends just hung out but it felt like a movie. we were jamming to music with the windows down and just going crazy; what a time to be alive 

 290. Are you ever afraid to write/say/think how you feel?

~for sure however i have learned that that is very unhealthy so i usually tend to speak my mind 

 291. Do you write/say/think it anyway or become intimidated and try to avoid it?

~^

292. What is one thing you can't do?

~ride a bike 

293. Do you like movies starring Charleton Heston (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleton_Heston)? 

~i’ve never seen any of his movies 

 294. Are you gentle? 

~i try to be 

 295. When do you feel the most raw and vulnerable? 

~when i’m alone and not talking to anyone 

296. Are you trying to find yourself?

~aren’t we all?

297. Where are you looking?

~in my passions and just getting to understand myself in general 

298. Are you sometimes afraid of being honest because you are afraid of hurting people's feelings?

~yep

299. What would make you a stronger person? 

~not lettings things that people say get to me and not caring so much of what others think of me 

 300. What book would you like to read sometime soon?

~there isn’t one in particular but i would like to start reading stephen king 

[nylenol]

ALL OF THEM. 1-50. GO.

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

yes and no! i value the idea of fate a Lot a lot and idk i believe things happen to certain ppl for a certain reason whether in this life or others so. yeah. i also think that everything i’ve been thru makes me a certain way, and throwing that away to go like,,, possess another body or some shit makes everything not worth. i wish i had better financial status and had more resources at my disposal tho! so if i could change my social/financial standing thatd be hot as fuck

2: What is your full name?sandra whot (thats what i write on my physics tests)

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?im 17 but god knows i still look 12

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?no but ppl ask me if i’ve dyed it bc the natural colors kinda wack! also i spray painted it blue once does that count

5: What’s your eye color?healthy soil mmm wormy

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with iti like my body! i used to not bc shes a little chonky but its okay now^^

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?i really wanna get an industrial/helix piercing in my ear but im scared of piercings djhgggg i used to have those little asian baby hoops that all asian babies have but it got caught in my necklace and started bleeding like fuck when i was little so i was kinda traumatized, dont wear earrings anymore and the hole closed up on one side ; as for tattoos i want one eventually! maybe something small and meaningful on my ankle/wrist or smth

8: What would you say is your best quality?i’m really tolerant of a lotta bs tbh; a lot of times when my friends cant handle a person/situation i still find myself p okay with it and they tell me that so ya!

9: What are you really bad at?oh my god so many : cant dance; cant sing; drawing mediocre; meeting deadlines? whos she! etc etc my work ethic just sux

10: What talent do you wish you had?i wish i could sing well/play an instrument!! love live renewed my love for music a lot and not being able to express that love for music IN music makes me rlly emo

11: Are you nice to everyone?yeah i’d like to think so,, sometimes i shittalk if they like do something Genuinely Morally Wrong like hello but for the most part i think everyones deserving of kindness even if i dont know them that well!

12: What do you think about the most?i spend a lot of time thinking abt the past and what i could have changed and the future and what i could have been and its ugly dont like it but it nags at me!! thanks obama

13: Things you like/dislike about yourselfi like the fact that i have a lot of passion for certain things and dedicate myself to them!! but i dont like the fact that i get demotivated rlly easy and let things pile up after signing up for too many things that i care about; ; ;  then i dont drop these things and end up in a shithole of responsibility like hello o o o o 

14: What is your least favorite word?i dunno! but any word i cant pronounce correctly is my mortal enemy (colosseum)

15: What is your favorite word?idk but i say hello so much ,, about time i start punctuating my sentences with goodbye.

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?i look exactly like my dad but i like my mom more! i wanna be like her, that woman works so hard to keep me and my sister alive hello

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?yeah! but honest to god if the strangers a crusty man then no i aint risking shit

18: A reason you’ve lied to someoneuhh the other day i went out for dim sum w benji and told my mom that only BENJI was buying dim sum but actually he paid for both of us bc im a broke bih (my mom hates owing ppl money) and yeah i feel terrible i dont lie often

19: Are you lying about anything right now?i dont think so ? only person im lying to is myself kek - John 1:14

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?never kissed anyone ! but wheres my milf @ god

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?yes in a way ??? but i think thats a superficial, physical kind of love and the love that matters can only form after like. years of both platonic and romantic bonding

22: Do you believe in soulmates?yes! the definition of a soulmate to me is someone who would fit best for you both romantically and platonically - but while there will always be someone who fits the best, there will always be someone who fits about the same, and someone who fits about the same right under that, etc etc. while we dont end up w/ the OG Soulmate tm in most situations, we do find a variation of them somewhere in the world.

23: Are looks important?a little bit?? but it doesnt matter in the long run, if you love someone then you’ll also grow to love the way they look its a package deal brent

24: Opinion on relationship age differencesi like ppl around my age or maybe a year younger/older but if ur 25 n dating a 35 yo then thats ur business! idc as long as neither party is in their teens and its healthy

25: Would you date someone off the Internet?unless i met them irl? no

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?lol yeah in part, i normally dont cry until i have 6000 different reasons to cry and sufficient hydration (like 3 times a year hello)

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?lol

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?lol

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?yeah! my friends disliked one of my best friends for like a Long time, me n her aren’t close friends anymore bc shes kinda snakey but w/e

30: Have you ever liked your best friend?lol

31: How does someone win your heart?be a good friend! same humor helps a lot, if someone’s aura is comfy for me to be in then hhhello ;; also genuine concern and compassion is my biggest turn on yeet

32: What turns you on?having enough food on me to eat every single period of the day, fruit, vidya games, sleeping,,, when teachers extend deadlines mr. geil i love you ? i lo

33: What turns you off?ketchup poured over fries like hello what is wrong with people.

34: Do you get jealous easily?yes cerritos auto square

35: What is your definition of cheating?cheating (noun) - the conscious pursuit of non-platonic relations with a person other than your significant other

36: Do you forgive betrayal?not really but depends on the situation

37: Have you ever been cheated on?nop i gave someone my hw to copy a few times tho

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?nop but i copy other ppls hw on a daily basis :)

39: How often do you listen to music?24/7 all the time always every waking hour right now immediately at the moment, this bitch DEAD without her earbuds

40: First concert you attendedactual actual concert in a venue was the AX one where Aqours performed!!

41: Last movie you watchedCarol it made me sososoos emo i was watching it on a bus next to a bunch of hetties i was Crying. crying

42: Favorite type of movieromance! and for some reason disaster movies,,, also psychological movies r Really up there

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?hoohooheehee

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?yeah when i need to, its obvious to other ppl tho i think

45: Do you fall in love easily?not really

46: Do you think people say I love you too much?yes and no, it depends on context and frequency

47: What’s your favorite holiday?tet bih

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?im pretty forgiving i think, i wish i wasnt

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?right here in my bed! wish i could sleep forever

50: What’s your “type”?idk if i have a type but ppl are hot and this lesbian is too weak to go on! i like ppl who are kinda similar to me tho: little crazy little wack but ultimately well meaning

[megatraven]

Clolyalilinette on a trip to your hometown

why they would ever want to go to the great state of New Jersey, idk, but here we go :D (Takes place in Cape May, New Jersey which is my fave place in NJ)

Edit: I fixed some stuff i didn’t notice last night!!

Chloe and Lila want to know why exactly they’re at the beach in New Jersey when they could’ve went to Italy, or to Chloe’s family’s beach house in Nice.

Marinette shrugs and points at Alya

“My pen pal from Quebec said their family comes here every summer and I wanted to see why, so sue me,” Alya says, sticking her tongue out

“You suck.” Chloe sticks her tongue out in return

Alya flips her off and Marinette giggles into Lila’s shoulder

After the initial “why the fuck are we in New Fucking Jersey?” they settle into the house they pooled their money to rent for three days.

It’s a pretty decent sized house, albeit old. There’s a screen porch that Chloe and Marinette adore because the furniture is really cute and they get to look at the garden right outside without getting bugs all over them

They unpack some of their necessities and when they’re all content, they head out, making sure they have enough american money

The sun beats down on them while they walk the boardwalk and beach

“This sand is awful, it actually hurts my feet to walk on,” Chloe complains, scowling at the sand littered with broken shells.

“Aw, Chlo, do you want me to carry you?” Marinette teases

“Yes, Marinette, yes I do.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“Well, that’s too bad, babe. Turn around and lemme on.”

“Oh my god. Fine.”

Once Marinette is holding Chloe piggyback style, Lila turns to Alya and waggles her eyebrows

“So, how about-”

“Don’t even think about it, Rossi. You can keep your shoes on if you can’t handle it.”

“But Alyaaa!”

“No buts, sugar.”

“You’re a butt.”

“You love my butt.”

“That’s beside the point.”

After being denied a piggyback ride, Lila suggests going on a horse and carriage ride the next day

She tells them she made sure to look it up before they even came, and that this particular company is known to treat their horses with respect and care.

They all agree to go on one

They go through about half the shops on the boardwalk except for ones that smell weird and sell mostly clothes

“You’ll never get that smell out of em, best to shop elsewhere,” Mari says

everytime they stop to get something to eat one of them isn’t hungry until everyone else has already eaten

they buy a few water bottles and bags of chips before going to walk the beach one last time before they head to the carnival

When night falls they walk to the carnival grounds and get Way Too Much Funnel Cake

Except for Marinette who eats what the others can’t and still wants more

“She’s not even fucking human,” Lila groans, draping herself over Marinette’s lap

“She’s a god dammed sugar goblin.” Chloe drapes herself over Alya’s lap and discreetly wipes her face on Alya’s legs

Alya knows she’s doing it but doesn’t really care because her girlfriend is so fucking cute

“I’m convinced that when she was a baby, her parents gave her sugar water to drink instead of milk because I can’t conceive any other possible explanation for this.” Alya slumps forward, propping her head on her hand.

“You’re all just weak,” Marinette laughs, running her fingers through Lila’s hair before peppering her with kisses.

Chloe, Alya, and Lila all say, “Shut up.”

There’s a cheap and pretty lame zipline that’s on a flat surface and Marinette and Chloe both go on

Mari is on one side and Chloe’s on the other

They pull back as far as they can go before flinging themselves forward

They do not get near enough to kiss

and Marinette is too short for her feet to touch the ground so she just hangs there while Chloe inches closer to her

Alya and Lila are cracking the fuck up and so are Chloe and Mari by the time Chloe presses her lips to Marinette’s

There’s also a rock climbing wall and all of them really want to go on and race each other

there’s only two harnesses so they decided to compare times

Alya is victorious with Lila a close second

Chloe and Marinette grumble about it but give their girlfriends each a victory kiss

It soon comes to their attention that there’s an actual zipline

Marinette and Chloe push each other out of the way to get in line first and in doing so let Lila get in line first

“I’ll trade you three kisses to let me ahead of you,” Chloe practically shouts.

“I’ll trade you seven!” Marinette counters

“I’ll give you ten,” Alya offers, and laughs when Lila agrees

Marinette and Chloe pout a little, but Alya kisses their pouts away

They eventually run out of things to do and head back to their house

Lila is convinced the place they’re renting is haunted.

She pulls up the webpage of the horse and carriage ride and says the route they’re going on is the Haunted Trail, where the driver will tell them all the spooky stories of certain places and houses and frantically points out that their house is on the route

“Listen, darling, just because our house is on that route doesn’t mean it’s haunted,” Chloe says, trying to sooth her

“Yeah, and even if it was, we’ll protect you from the ghosts,” Marinette says with a wink.

“Well, they might, but I’m setting up cameras because now I wanna see.” Alya cackles when Lila throws a pillow at her face.

They all get ready for bed, and even though they go to sleep in separate beds, they all wind up in Alya’s before sunrise.

When they get up, Lila screeches about the door being wide open

“I CAME IN LAST AND CLOSED THE DOOR AND NOW THAT FUCKER IS WIDE OPEN WHAT THE FUCK”

“Girl, chill, someone probably got up to use the bathroom and forgot to close the door.”

“No, you know I’m a light sleeper, I would’ve woken up!”

“Maybe you slept walk and opened it- you do do that sometimes.

“Ugh, I’m telling you this place is haunted!”

Lila mutters about no one believing her at the dining table while Marinette prepares breakfast

“Shit, um… I forgot to get a few things, I’m gonna go down to the nearest shop to see if I can’t find any of the stuff,” Mari says

Alya calls out that she’s gonna come with, leaving Lila and Chloe alone in the house

Chloe eventually comes down and says she’s gonna go outside to look at the garden

Lila waves it off, smiles when Chloe gives her a kiss, and then waits

About five minutes in, she hears the door to the porch open in all its squeaky glory

“Chloe? Coming in so soon?” she calls out, but doesn’t get a response.

The door closes, she hears it close, and her pulse quickens.

“Chlo? Babe?”

And it squeaks open again. She gets up, cautious, and goes to stand in the hallway leading to the door. It swings shut, and she can see nobody’s there.

She rushes over to it and looks outside, and she can see Chloe’s ponytail bobbing around outside of the porch’s screen.

“What the fuck…” she mutters, and closes the door and makes sure she closed it.

Content that she did, that it’s truly closed, she starts walking away

and promptly freezes when it squeaks back open.

“Oh fuck, no,” she says and runs out the front door to the side, where Chloe is

Chloe looks up at her quizzatically. “What’s up, love?”

“Chlo, this house is fucking haunted, I swear to god. You have to come see this.”

She grabs Chloe’s hand and drags her back into the house, to the hallway with the door.

They stand there for several minutes before Chloe finally breaks and asks, “What are we looking at?”

“Th-the door! It kept closing and opening, even when I made sure it was shut! You didn’t hear it?”

“Nnnno?”

Lila stamps her foot. “I’m gonna get proof, then. Go back outside.”

As soon as she sees Chloe back outside, she watched the door, but it doesn’t open.

“You’re an asshole,” she tells it, flipping it off and turning away.

The door squeaks open and she spins on her heel. “Ha! I knew I wasn’t crazy!” It shuts. “I knew-”

“Knew what, babe?” Alya asks as her and Marinette walk in.

“This place is fucking haunted!”

Alya and Marinette exchange a look.

“You guys don’t believe me?”

“Not without proof,” Alya says, and takes out a camera from her fanny pack. “But maybe we can get some.”

“I do actually believe you! But there’s nothing I can do, so I think it’s best to just roll with it, you know?”

Lila sighs. “Fine.”

“Great! Now I’ll get us some breakfast whipped up for reals, okay?”

“Yeah…”

“Alright.” Marinette kisses her on the forehead and that’s that.

When they’ve had breakfast, they go out to sit on the beach until the time they planned to go on the horse and carriage ride

Alya is the best at finding whole shells and spends most of her time with her legs in the water

Marinette heard from some passing people from Quebec that if you dig where bubbles come up after water hits, you could find crabs

she only manages to find and dig up one, but it rather pleased with herself

Chloe lays back to sunbathe

until Lila hoists her from the ground and runs into the water with her

Chloe screeches the whole way, but then she’s laughing and trying to pull Lila underneath the water with her

Alya tries to get Marinette into the water with them, but she mentions she’s a little scared of the ocean, having never been

Each of them promise they’ll be there for her if anything happens

comforted by her gfs, she agrees to come out and ends up loving it

Carriage ride time!!! 

They don’t understand everything the coachman is saying, but it’s all fascinating nonetheless

they ride past their house and Lila asks about it

“Oh, that one? They call it the Hope House. That’s about all we were told about it.”

Marinette pats her on the knee and smiles comfortingly.

“But of course, most of us always say it’s called that ‘cause anyone who lives in it ‘hopes’ they’ll leave it alive.”

Lila has a mild freak out and it takes the combined comfort of all three of her girlfriends to calm her down

“We’ll only be there for one more day, lovely,” Mari tells her.

“That’s one day too many,” Lila mutters, but drops it.

That night, they decide to stay at their house to relax and hang out.

They play silly card games and make funny jokes

Lila forbids scary stories

They tell funny stories instead!!

The night passes without any ghost scares, and Lila feels refreshed

That day they visit the rest of the boardwalk that they hadn’t seen

All of them but Alya buy bags of shells

Marinette purchases a hermit crab because she feels bad for their living conditions

The others all have to stop her from buying every single one

Her puppy dog eyes make them crack so they each get one

They finish up their shopping and then go to catch a ferry ride for their last night

Mari’s never seen a boat so big in her life

They keep taking ferries until the sun sets, at which point they all huddle together at the railing of the ship and hold hands

They know things have been a little difficult sometimes, but in that moment, everything was worth it, to just be together in that moment

The next morning, after Lila has another scare with the porch door, they pack up their things and head back to the airport so they can finally head home

[olla-village]

Language biography -My Chinese adventure

1. Here I am 18 years old

So, here I am, 18 years old confused monolingual… Finished my community college just to realize that I hate spending so much time in front of computer screens, writing code at nights, powered by coffee and greasy junk food.

 18 years old meant that I was an adult, at least both I and law of the country agreed on that… I could buy cigarettes, alcohol and tickets to other countries even if my parents were against it. I didn’t need to ask anyone’s permission. It felt like freedom. Freedom comes with responsibility, but that’s the whole different story.

 2.  It was time for something big It was time for something big.But for what? When I was younger I liked to travel to nearby cities by busses and hitchhiking. It was a mixture of being lost, on purpose… and finding something new after every trip. Traveling was my form of learning and escaping from problems at the same time.

 This time I was really lost.No direction. Hitchhiking for a week didn’t help. Yes, I tried. I needed a new medicine. I tried, like many of us nowadays, to find the answer online. Almighty Google knows it all.I didn’t know what to ask. So I decided to look at my bookmarks.

There was a website I read for more than 4 years. Or so. I guess. It is called Magazeta. They also do a podcast. Not some goofy cast, but LaowaiCast. They discuss everything about China through the eyes of laowais, speak Chinese fluently and seem to have all kinds of fun there in the mysterious country.

3. I decided to join them

I decided to become one of them, join this strange tribe. To become a laowai. A proper living in China laowai. And not an expat, who just hangs out with westerners, but a Chinese-speaking laowai. I figured out how much money I needed to study Chinese for a year, found 2 jobs that’d allow me to earn enough in 3 months. June, July and August. I became a taxi-driver, and began to work at a construction site. Not bad for a guy who majored in programming, eh? At least, there were no computers.At all. No screens, not even sunscreen. None of that, nada! I kept researching my new dreamland, China. Almighty Google told me that for my budget and for language learning Top2 options were Tianjin because Mandarin there is very standard, but it is cheaper than Beijing and Shenzhen, the most Mandarin-speaking city in Guangdong. I chose Shenzhen. It’s tropical and close to Hong Kong. I watched many Hong Kong movies as a kid and was interested in Kung Fu.

After working for 14 hours a day for 3 months I hated my jobs enough and was ready to fly to my dreamland. So I did. I kissed my parents and my girlfriend good bye and started my new scary laowai adventure. 4.  I didn’t learn Chinese before went to China I didn’t learn any Chinese before I went to Shenzhen because I read online that it’d destroy my pronunciation forever. So I followed advice of someone Almighty Google led me too. I was proud that I would’t learn broken pronunciation. Stupid. After a few, quite a few days of trains and planes, I arrived in Shenzhen. It was another planet. Humid, incomprehensible, green, terrifying and extremely friendly. No Kung Fu skills required. Beginner friendly.

I ordered a service of an interpreter who would meet me in the airport and help me to get to the hotel, the first and the last time in my life. He was quite surprised when I asked if he has a knife or at least keys when we got to an ATM. It was hard to explain why I sewed my bank-card in my pocket, but he understood that in my country people like to pick pockets. Not the best advertisement for a country, but I was determined and didn’t want to let thieves destroy my plan. 5.  Soon I didn’t go to lessons at all So I got a dorm room, figure out where I can buy pillow and started to learn Chinese in class, but soon I found that I was not able to say tones right and I was late for my writing classes on purpose, to skip that annoying dictation where I’d make a mistake in every character. Soon I didn’t go to lessons at all. I joined Wing Chun classes and hung out with other laowais and Chinese folks instead. My roommate also taught me some Chinese, especially survival kind of stuff or how to ask for cigarettes on the street, his teaching skills were particularly awesome when he was drunk. Sometimes when I met my classmates in campus they asked me why I gave up on learning Chinese, I said that I don’t go to classes, but I still learn Chinese. I hated that one guy who said he learns Chinese just to read stuff and that he doesn’t care about speaking since there’s no reason to talk with Chinese people, what a prick! I don’t hate him anymore. At that time I called my approach “just learn”. It meant learning without homework and tone drills. 6.  Laowai life was fun I spent 4 months like this. I was so busy practicing wing chun, playing football, buying fake shoes, hanging out and exploring Shenzhen that sometimes I forgot to eat for 2 or 3 days. That’s why I sometimes stole my roommate’s sushi that he’d get for free every night. Thanks to well-cooking people who lived in the girls’ dormitory, I was never hungry. I think I looked so skinny they just wanted to feed me on the level of instincts… Long story short, laowai life was fun, colorful and cheap for those who lived in campus. At least, it was for me. For 4 months or so. And then it was over.  The End. Game over. I had to go back home for what I call family reasons. I didn’t finish my 1 year Mandarin course. It was also hard to get my deposit money back, but I did. It was really good for my Mandarin skills. My WeChat was full of contacts. I packed all the tea, gifts I got from strangers in my friend’s dorm and stinky clothes. I was and wasn’t ready to leave. I told my friends that I’d be back for sure, which I doubted.

 The END or To be Continued? That is the question. At that moment, I connected language to living in that country. 7.  I missed China and Chinese Don’t live in China = don’t learn Chinese. So, obviously I gave up learning languages and broke up with my girlfriend. Luckily, I found a lazy job where I could play my phone almost all the time. For several months I just lived in my memories about China and felt some hole growing inside me. I didn’t understand where it was coming from. One cannot go and live abroad and then come back to the farm and pretend it didn’t happen. It is going to change anyone, no matter how hard this naïve person is trying to ignore it. I needed to fill that emptiness. I tried a few things. They didn’t work. Until one day I saw an ad about learning Chinese just by listening. Like literally sitting on my bottom, which I was already doing, I was even getting paid for that, and learning… Chinese! The language of my dream/nostalgia land. I was nowhere near fluency at that moment. Upperbeginner at best. I missed China and Chinese Pod became my new way to connect to the land of rice and cuteness. That emptiness inside was filled. Except for … it wasn’t. But things were getting better, way better. I felt alive again. Or maybe it was that nice Turkish coffee I was drinking while I listened to Chinese Pod? Then I thought that just listening, even good listening was not enough for that hole somewhere inside me. So I thought I need… people! But I still wanna sit on my bottom so if I find people online, I don’t need to spend extra time after job. Multitasking for the win. 8.  I started my new job I found hellotalk and some similar apps with similar names. Hellotalk was the best one, but at that time it was slow, sometimes a message was sent 4 hours or a day later, so I stole people from there by asking their whatsApp number. I started to realize that the missing ingredient in my life, besides people, was Chinese language. I also realized that escapism and dreaming about faraway lands was not an ideal solution. In search of a perfect combination of people and languages, I decided to join a university. I wanted to study Chinese, but they told me that they have teachers, but not so many students want to learn Chinese. Interpretation was not available that year. What a weird year! The only choice was teaching English, which sounded tasty at that moment, since I also wanted to change my job at that moment. I asked for all the details about exams and stuff. It was nice except for the fact that that stinking girl tricked me and I was preparing for master degree entrance exams instead of what I really needed because I was the first one who wanted to join that university that year and she didn’t really know what to tell me. It was a surprise, but I passed it super well, like top2 or something. Probably because I prepared for something way more difficult, thanks to that stinking girl. My score was a big surprise for me, since I’ve never been a top student. At the same time I started my new job. I was a tutor. Teaching kids English.1 on 1. Learning my major by practice. It was awesome. Language became my bread and peanut butter. 9.  I found my jam. It was olla. But I still needed jelly! Peanut butter sandwiches are fine, but they’re nothing like peanut butter jelly ones!

That Sunday I planned to have some rest for my brain and body. So I got a lot of nesquik and scrolled mindlessly through countless web pages full of memes and stupid videos. Until I saw an ad for a language learning app on some page where people who learn English hang out. In comments I read that most users were Chinese. These comments were written in a negative tone, but for me it was pure treasure. Here, I found my jam. It was olla. By that time, hellotalk and its clones were deleted and forgotten for a long time, but I gave olla as much of my precious SD storage and space on the screen as it wanted. I liked it for no particular reason, as I thought back then. Now I do understand that other apps couldn’t provide this kind of sense of community as olla did. It was alive, lively and vivid.

10.  It was addictive

It was a perfect place for me to practice my languages. My way to do it was to provoke people, often it meant arguing with them. I learned to be provocative in many languages. I also learned to pretend to be from different countries. The most difficult one was Australia. Controversy and gossip were my fuel. It was not just any drama, it was international. Better than Argentinian TV series! I tried many ways to catch attention, I hope that psychologists and my future employers don’t read how much of an attention seeker and drama queen I was. A few times I deleted an app and said it was shitty publically, while actually I loved it but was busy studying in my university and knew that I don’t have enough will power to keep studying while olla was still on my phone, it’d be too much of a distraction. It was addictive. Before I deleted it, I posted my email on olla plaza. Jessica was worried or surprised or something of this nature and wrote me an email. She helped me to deliver my messages to my biggest language buddy. It was one directional isolation and made me way more mysterious than I’ve ever been before. Because of me being such a d... dumbass, many people hated me, but many liked me. Many mentioned that they missed me, I knew it through gossip and screenshots. Imagine the size of my ego at that moment… After a while, I realized what other apps lacked completely and why they didn’t deserve my storage and screen space. Sense of community + drama, gossip and controversy (people crave it) + many people from different countries in the same room. Cultures don’t merge this way in 1 on 1 conversations. Other platforms also have many people from different countries,but they try to find you a match, a perfect partner. Perfect is boring. In olla people didn’t match perfectly and it was beautiful. It was colorful. It was my home anywhere I went. 11.  I couldn’t stay like this forever I couldn’t stay like this forever. All of us eventually get boring, also known as serious. I was a university student after all. Gotta be pretentious and stuff. They call it professional. I started to read a lot of SLA (Second Language Acquisition) research, just like people read news or comics. As a result, I realized that my“just learning” intuitive approach to languages was actually consistent with research. Even gossip and drama. But mostly community and compelling input. It is kind of the same thing.

Not only I pretty much filled that emptiness by languages, I also came to the point where my experience met science\research. Like yin and yang.

12.  I started to plan to get back to China After that, I decided to get my life together again and I started to plan how to get back to China. I didn’t get any good idea how to do it, but I started to save money and told my classmates and buddies that most probably I will go to China again. Fake it till you make it works every time. I also told some folks on olla about my plan. I really do consider olla to be my hometown and I did find real life friends there. I think it���s safe to say that I spent more time on olla than with my real life friends. I also spent a lot of time with my offline friends, but they can be less available than something tiny in my cheap phonethat opens the door to my friends. Wait, olla is real, so it’s also real life. People there are real. Language learning there is real as well. Wrong dichotomy. So I spent more time in my olla hometown than in another one because it felt warmer and closer.

My best language buddy who already became my friend decided to help me make my second laowai life happen much faster than I imagined and invited me to join olla team. I pretended that I am so cool and need to think for 1 day or so, like it is not a big deal, when in reality it was dreams come true type of deal, at that moment I was already packing my small backpack and getting ready for the second chapter of China. This time it was Guangzhou.

To be continued.

 You can read my language buddy’s story here

(my story https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/ollaolla.home.blog/40)

 Bear

2019/10/1

[periscully]

Hey Hanna, you wanna hate me? [ALL THE FUCKING NUMBERS]

Okay here we go

1: Name

Hanna

2: Age

20, coming up on 21 in August !

3: 3 Fears

I already answered this but needles, loud noises and failure

4: 3 things I love

My boyfriend, my friends, family

5: 4 turns on

A sense of humor, being supportive, being tall and fuck I dunno, being a genuine good person???

6: 4 turns off

Just being a straight up asshole for no good reason, bad body odor, I dunno just don’t be a dick and you won’t rub me the wrong way I guess

7: My best friend

My friend Brianna who I have known for like 7 years she the best

8: Sexual orientation

Probably straight but like there’s that unknown percentage that’s like oh hey girls

9: My best first date

I’ve never been on an actual date so

10: How tall am I

5′2″

11: What do I miss

Being able to hang out with friends

12: What time were I born

Grammar mother fucker

Hell if I know lets just say 4:20

13: Favorite color

Baby blue!

14: Do I have a crush

@docisnumber1 don’t tell him though

15: Favorite quote

“Despite everything, it’s still you” - Undertale ( shut up )

16: Favorite place

Cannon Beach

17: Favorite food

Mac n cheese

18: Do I use sarcasm

Honestly I’m not that sarcastic

19: What am I listening to right now

Music, Stayin’ Alive by the Bee Gees 

20: First thing I notice in new person

Their...face???

21: Shoe size

I think 8...maybe..I don’t wanna check my shoes

22: Eye color

Blue

23: Hair color

Brown

24: Favorite style of clothing

The comfy kind idk

25: Ever done a prank call?

I did and I felt horrible after

27: Meaning behind my URL

Its Peridot from Steven Universe and Scully from x-files

28: Favorite movie

Princess Bride

29: Favorite song

Probably Take On Me or Chandelier idk

30: Favorite band

Queen, it used to be Beatles but I’ve seen the light

31: How I feel right now

Fine I suppose

32: Someone I love

Macho man Randy Savage

33: My current relationship status

Happily taken

34: My relationship with my parents

Pretty good

35: Favorite holiday

Halloweeeeeeeeeen

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

I just have one piercing on each ear but I don’t wear earrings anymore cause they irritate my skin

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

Nah fam

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

THOSE DANK MEMES

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

I don’t have any exes

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

I send Doc a good morning message on discord everyday if that counts 

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

Its my mom so like family kiss ya know?

42: When did I last hold hands?

I held my brother’s hand on Sunday when taking him to a store

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Like..15 minutes if I don’t do make up and shit

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?

Ye

45: Where am I right now?

My room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

Right now I guess my parents?? But I have never gotten drunk and there is no alcohol in the house so

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

Reasonable level please

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

Yes

49: Am I excited for anything?

Going to my nana’s tomorrow and I’m gonna volunteer at my aunt’s store for a week so yay work experience 

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

Doc

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

Sometimes when I’m depressed but usually people can tell when I’m like that

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

Maybe a day ago?

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

Never kissed anyone ( like in a romantic sense )

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

Nah

55: What is something I disliked about today?

*shrug*

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

DOC

57: What do I think about most?

Things I wanna do

58: What’s my strangest talent?

I dunno

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

Okay I hate the sound of applause and I will avoid anything that correlates with it. It kinda controls my life

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

A bit of both

61: What was the last lie I told?

“I’m gonna draw today”

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video chatting

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

*Mulder voice* I want to believe 

64: Do I believe in magic?

IN A YOUNG GIRL’S HEART--

Not really

65: Do I believe in luck?

Eh...nah, I think things just happen and there’s no reason for it

66: What's the weather like right now?

Sunny and hot

67: What was the last book I've read?

The Once and Future King 

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

The fuck?

69: Do I have any nicknames?

Peri and Banana

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?

Uhh...not sure actually

71: Do I spend money or save it?

Both

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

No :c

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

A notepad

74: Favorite animal?

Sloths and bats !

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

Browsing my phone

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

Trump

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Take on Me

78: How can you win my heart?

Be an adorable meme lord with a heart of gold 

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

Probably something from Haunted Mansion or Corpse Bride

80: What is my favorite word?

DOOT 

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

All the blogs being brought into that Woody’s Roundup thing

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Shut up

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

I don’t...think so?

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Congratulations you’re fucking dead

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

NOPE

86: What is my current desktop picture?

A monokuma wallpaper....fuck

87: Had sex?

Nope

88: Bought condoms?

Nah

89: Gotten pregnant?

Can’t do that if I haven’t done the doodly

90: Failed a class?

Maybe one it was like an organization class lol

91: Kissed a boy?

No

92: Kissed a girl?

Nop

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

dO YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS ?????????????

94: Had job?

Working on that

95: Left the house without my wallet?

Ye

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

Not that I know of

97: Had sex in public?

Nah son

98: Played on a sports team?

I was on a soccer team in elementary school

99: Smoked weed?

Everyday I inhale the marijuanas at the 4:20 blaze it with snoop and 

no

100: Did drugs?

Nope

101: Smoked cigarettes?

Asthma mother fucker

102: Drank alcohol?

I’ve taken sips of wine but that’s it

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

Nope

104: Been overweight?

Yes

105: Been underweight?

Don’t think so

106: Been to a wedding?

Ye

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

*distant laughter*

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

Probably

109: Been outside my home country?

Yes ! 

110: Gotten my heart broken?

Yeah

111: Been to a professional sports game?

Yup

112: Broken a bone?

Nah I was a very cautious child

113: Cut myself?

Kinda

114: Been to prom?

Yeah : | 

115: Been in airplane?

Mhm

116: Fly by helicopter?

I’ve been in a helicopter yeah

117: What concerts have I been to?

Hannah Montana.......

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

Don’t think so

119: Learned another language?

I tried to learn French but yeah didn’t work out

120: Wore make up?

Yeah

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

*fart noise*

122: Had oral sex?

*louder fart noise*

123: Dyed my hair?

Yes

124: Voted in a presidential election?

The last one yeah

125: Rode in an ambulance?

Yup..

126: Had a surgery?

Had my tonsils out when I was 7

127: Met someone famous?

Kinda? 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

A little but like not too much

129: Peed outside?

Ever peed in a pool son?

130: Been fishing?

Like kiddy fishing and I hated it

131: Helped with charity?

Ye

132: Been rejected by a crush?

Who hasn’t?

133: Broken a mirror?

Maybe once?

134: What do I want for birthday?

A better computer and functioning internet PLEASE GOD

I FUCKING DID IT YOU PROUD OF ME CAMERON?

[livebiganddie]

Ask meme: all

i was told to do all from both posts so alright here we go with that first one

Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

black

Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

ive only ever lived in city places and i cant stand bugs so i guess city bc im a City Boi

If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

uh i really wanna know how to skateboard. so id learn skateboarding or how to be able to skateboard bc my feet are really shitty and idk if i can skate with them

Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

i hate coffee and im picky about my hot teas. it has to be pretty sweet so yes sugar

What was your favourite book as a child?

hmm i really loved the magic treehouse series

Do you prefer baths or showers?

showers because baths feel inefficient in a way. idk. should probs treat myself take more baths tho

If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

oooo id probably be a werewolf or Cerberus. since werewolves are generic and Cerberus is like a single entity, leaning more towards werewolf

Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

paper. electronic books fuck with my eyes more

What is your favourite item of clothing?

my binder uh my space jam t-shirt

Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

uh Dennis is an ok name. i dont really like where it came from, but i like when my friends call me Denny and idk its cute and i dont wanna change my name and lose that. im going to legally change my name eventually, but im still figuring out what im going to change it to. Something Dennis Something

Who is a mentor to you?

i dont view anyone as a mentor. at least consciously. idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

like being famous would mean id have money so im soo down for that. but never being left alone, never havign truly private moments, being constantly critiqued, etc would wear down my mental state really fuckin quickly. but yes, for the money. id wanna be famous for something dog or animal related and/or just being a really nice/loving person

Are you a restless sleeper?

uh sometimes. it depends a lot. my sleeping has gotten better but i wouldnt say its the best sleep

Do you consider yourself a romantic?

uh i dont really think so. im still sorting out what shit is stuff i like and what is stuff i think i feel obligated to like. but yeah bein grey aro is v v interesting

Which element best represents you?

i guess water? bc it can be really calm and forgiving but it can also be really fuckin not chill

Who do you want to be closer to?

myself and other people. just in general other people. i close myself off a lot and im still learning to be open and i havent really experienced much closeness, both mentally and physically. like example: i dont wanna freak the fuck out if i accidentally sit too close to my friend and we touch. idk stuff like that

Do you miss someone at the moment?

i dont think so

Tell us about an early childhood memory.

when my grandpa was still alive and able to drive himself, he used to take me to denny’s every week. i got the same thing. a waffle and apple juice. we always talked but i cant remember about what. probably silly kids stuff lol

What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

im sort of a picky eater, so if it sounds strange i probably wont eat it. im pretty sure all the stuff ive eaten is p “normal”

What can you see outside your bedroom window?

i can see my university’s stadium, other apartments, a dumpster, a small tree or two, road, sidewalk

What are you most thankful for?

making it to where i am now. things might have been shitty and they might be shitty now, but i am thankful for the opportunities ive been given to be where i am now with who im with now

Do you like spicy food?

i love spicy food unless it makes my nose burn. its fine if its my mouth, but not my nose

Have you ever met someone famous?

maybe a race car driver or two (bc of my hometown) but other than that, no

Do you keep a diary or journal?

i used to. i need to take it up again. its really nice

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

pencil. i make too many mistakes for pens

What is your star sign?

capricorn

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

crunchy. and get tf outta here if you like soggy cereal man (jk you do you)

What would you want your legacy to be?

being a kind and loving person (also being funny but thats less important to me)

Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

i like reading even though i rarely read anymore. the last thing i read was probably the mystery book called like Night or One Night or something. it was p good

How do you show someone you love them?

i try to be there for them if they need me, do small things for them, buy them things when i get the money

Do you like ice in your drinks?

depends on the drink. milk? no. juice? yeee tea? hell yee water? yeah

What are you afraid of?

heights, the unknown, the future, spiders, people i love dying. theres more but i cant think of them rn

What is your favourite scent?

lavender or lilac. fuck me UP

Do you address older people by their first or last name?

growing up, i was told no matter what to not call people older than me by their first name, even if they were okay or told people to call them by their first name. i still kinda do that. im tryin not to tho bc if they wanna be called by their first name, i should respect that

If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

oh SHIT man i would help so many people. i would let people stay at my place if they needed/wanted. i would donate all kinds of shit to all kinds of people. i would give my friends shit. i would save animals from shelters and live in a decent place that the animals would like and my friends could visit

Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

the ocean beat me up so much - pools 

What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

spend it on my summer bills

Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

i honestly dont remember if i have or not

What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

dont take people’s bullshit. love is important, but letting people treat you like shit isnt okay

If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

i already have a tattoo, but if i were to get another one id wanna get a tree (maybe pine?) on the back of my calf

What can you hear right now?

my ac (couple min after answering this, i started listening to Dan Bull’s Dishonored rap on repeat)

Where do you feel the safest?

i could be gay and say “with my friends!!” but honestly, all my friends and i are queer, not cis, and one of them isnt white so im worried for their and my safety a lot (when together and separate) my apartment or my friends rooms are the best places i got but even then i dont feel 100% safe and comfortable. and idk i know a lot of people have more reason to feel unsafe so i guess comparatively, im pretty safe

What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

my (lack of) motivation 

If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose?

uh the past was really shitty i dont wanna go back

What is your most used emoji?

the blue heart bc im gay as fuck

What is your favourite season? Why?

winter bc i love snow and i hate being hot and sweaty (and i get hot and sweaty p easily)

How would you spend your ideal day?

id have slept the previous night for 12 hours, id spend time with friends watching steven universe or brooklyn nine-nine, eat some really good pizza with green peppers, watch youtube, and at some point drink some chocolate milk and apple juice

Describe yourself using one word.

silly

What do you regret the most?

regret for me doesnt last long. when i look back, all that ive done has made me who i am. right after something happens ill get high fuckin levels of regret, but eventually they go away. currently my regret is singing loudly while doing the dishes bc my roommate and their dad walked in on me doing that and i didnt realize so idk how long they were there listening/watching me do that

Invent your own word. What does it mean?

uh oh boy im not creative. noop. means to not be a fan of something or to be in a bad mood.

ok second post time

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

i wish i was like 5′8″ at least (currently 5′6″ and a bit)

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

i really want a dog or a cat or both right now. i know i can choose things that arent real, but man i want a doggo or a kitty

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

i like the look skaters have lol i like more edgy clothes i guess? street wear. stuff like that

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

i loved the scooby doo games i had growing up like holy shit. i had night of 100 frights and scooby do unmasked (both for xbox) man i miss those games

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

things: money, food, homeworkpeople: my friends

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

WARNING: Quiet, anxious exterior hiding super gay interior

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

wasnt given a person ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

uh idk how accurate this is but i took a quiz and it told me melancholic

9: Are you ticklish?

sometimes. depends on who it is, where it is, how im feeling

10: Are you allergic to anything?

normal stuff and cats. cats make my eyes really itchy. still gonna get a cat one day tho

11: What’s your sexuality?

asexual/graysexual

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

assuming its hot tea, cocoa

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

i wanna say im a both person, but thatd be lying. i do lean more towards dogs

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

merperson

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

i really like good mythical morning and cryaotic

16: How tall are you?

5′6″ and a bit

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

Something Dennis Something (im still working on it lol)

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

i havent weighed myself in a while so i dont know exactly how much i weigh rn, but lets just say i weigh more than 200 lbs

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

i dont know. thinking about it fucks with my mind 

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

space is scary as fuck, but the ocean is scarier imo. i like space better

21: Are you religious?

no

22: Pet peeves?

when my stuff gets out of the order i put it in is the only one i can think of rn

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

nocturnal

24: Favorite constellation?

the dippers bc i have freckles that make a dipper :)

25: Favorite star?

dont have one :/

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

sure

27: Any phobias or fears?

heights, unknown, spiders, death of people i love, becoming someone i hate

28: Do you think global warming is real?

yes

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

idk. i think itd be interesting. 

30: Favorite movie?

a big’s life and the fox and the hound are the only movies i can think of rn

31: Do you get scared easily?

i startle extremely easily. i also get scared/creeped out fairly easily. i still watch horror shit tho lol

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

just two. my siberian huskies Wolfie and Dakota

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

youre on anon ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

34: What is a color that calms you?

blues calm me bc theyre so pretty, theyre my fav, and psych shit lol

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

uh im not sure where i wanna travel, just that i wanna go somewhere else. i wanna live in a place that doesnt get too hot, but does have sunshine regularly so i dont get stuck in Depression Zone

36: Where were you born?

indianapolis, indiana

37: What is your eye color?

blue

38: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

idk if i believe, but i think theyre fun and i like reading horoscopes and reading zodiac shit

40: Hugs or kisses?

uh never been kissed so hugs

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

im p good rn. my friend recently left my place. alone time is chill

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

my friends

43: Any piercings you want?

i want an industrial on my left ear

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

fuck yeah i do 

45: Do you smoke or have you ever done so?

no and no

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

no crush lol

47: What is a sound you really hate?

the chair i have that is a rocking chair, when it balances on the back and i dont sit down slowly, itll slam against the ground. i hate that

48: A sound you really love?

baby animals. just in general. so cute

49: Can you do a backflip?

no

50: Can you do the splits?

no

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

dont have one

52: Favorite movie?

this was #30

53: How are you feeling right now?

anxious as shit 

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

blue or blond

55: When did you feel happiest?

with my friends, watching playthroughs on youtube, listening to my fav music

56: Something that calms you down?

lavender/lilac

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

the usual depression & anxiety, trichotillomania, and since trich is seen as some form of OCD, maybe i have some OCD too? who knows, i dont

58: What does your URL mean?

my friend tagged me in a post and was like “new life motto” i was like “agree” and made the phrase from the post my url

59: What three words describe you the most?

silly, gay, reserved

60: Do you believe in evolution?

yes

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

aphobia, antisemitism, shit like that

62: What makes you follow a blog?

dogs, relatable content, i think the person is cute, pretty content. extra follow if they have multiple of these

63: Favorite kind of person:

kind but takes no shit. is not shitty

64: Favorite animal(s):

dOgS, cats, sloths, seals, manatees, snakes, uhh and the rest of the animal kingdom

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

handsomedogs, all the ace/aro positivity blogs, all the nonbinary positivity blogs

66: Favorite emoticon:

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

67: Favorite meme:

fUCK this is hard…. i guess the new positivity memes. where it took something super negative and made it cute and :)

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

INFP-T

69: What is your star sign?

capricorn

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

no

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

black jeans, grey vans, black socks, space jam shirt (or my black & white vans shirt), my (black and white) staff hat, and my black and white bracelet

72: Post a selfie or two?

73: Do you have platform shoes?

no

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

im simultaneously really fucking loud and also super fucking reserved and shy

75: Can you do a front flip?

no

76: Do you like birds?

yes

77: Do you like to swim?

uh yes and no. i always hated swimming in swim suits and i dont have trunks that fit me and you cant wear shirts in pools and i cant be shirtless (i totally would tho to spite someone. like “um take off ur shirt u cant wear it in the pool” “yeah ok” *takes off binder* “motherfucKER” idk) but i like being in the water and chilling and i love lazy rivers and stuff

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

swimming. ice skating is so scary

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

shitty people or just people

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

my bank account overflowing in money

81: Piercings you have?

both of my earlobes are double pierced

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

i wasnt good at it, but i really enjoyed playing tennis with my old friend. i had a good time every time

83: Favorite person to talk to:

my friends

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

i dont remember much. i joined octoberish in 2012

85: How many followers do you have?

only 364. not much

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

uh i havent tried in a long time but im gonna go ahead and guess no

87: Do your socks always match?

nope. if i can, i usually mismatch them on purpose. they have to have the same texture/thickness though

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

no

89: What are your birthstones?

garnet

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

dog or sloth

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

idk. i like hydrangeas. so them

92: A store you hate?

i cant choose just one, but the type of stores i hate are problematic ones that appropriate shit or are racist and shit

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

00000000 i hate coffee

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

fly. reading minds would stress me the fuck out

95: Do you like to wear camo?

yes and no. see, i hate camo. i think its ugly as fuck. but i do have a shirt i got free from school thats camo. its a little big on me and its comfy to wear to bed or i wore it when i went swimming in the ocean

96: Winter or summer?

my mental health is saying summer but my body temp is saying winter

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

around 49.26 seconds

98: Least favorite person?

too many to choose from

99: Someone you look up to:

jeffrey marsh

100: A store you love?

tillys, vans, zumies. (im like 13 lol i know)

101: Favorite type of shoes

i like mid rise shoes. like converse street mids, vans half cabs, vans bedfords. i also like old skools. i like new balance 710, 576, 574, 565. i like saucony too. not their athletic shit, but their causal wear shoes. NICE. idk i just love sneakers 

102: Where do you live?

indiana

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

no

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

Dioptase is really pretty

105: Do you drink milk?

yes

106: Do you like bugs?

i like them when theyre not near me

107: Do you like spiders?

spiders creep me out so fuckin much

108: Something you get paranoid about?

mostly how people feel about me 

109: Can you draw:

no

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

uh i think it was something about turn ons or whatever

111: A question you hate being asked?

“What do you want to do after college?”

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

think so

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

yeah

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

suns out, but there are clouds in the sky

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

uh

116: Favorite cloud type:

Stratocumulus

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

i like it blue

118: Do you have freckles?

yes

119: Favorite thing about a person:

uh their laugh or smiles. i like seeing people happy and everyones laugh and smiles are different and cute and unique and wonderful

120: Fruits or vegetables?

fruits

121: Something you want to do right now:

sleep or eat

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

sky

123: Sweet or sour foods?

sweet. sour shit makes my jaw hurt

124: Bright or dim lights?

ideally, neither bright nor dim, just the right amount. but dim if not bc bright lights for too long give me headaches

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

idk

126: Something you hate about Tumblr

all the fuckin nazis and racists and aphobes and shit

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

people punching nazis, ace/aro people coming together to have a good time, the positivity posts

128: What do you think about the least?

im not sure

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

my real name, even if it hadnt been legally changed yet

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

a racist

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

im not entirely sure. like there are things i hate and things i love but idk something thats both

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

yeee i do

133: Computer or TV?

computer

134: Do you like roller coasters?

god no

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

i think i get motion sickness. idk about seasickness

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

i think lobed

137: Do you believe in karma?

idk

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

a solid 3.1

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

some friends call me Denny :)

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

i dont think so? i cant remember

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

yes

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

ive been both, but i hope more good than bad

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

i love giving other people things and helping others

144: What makes you angry

being disrespected, hypocrisy, racism, aphobia, most cis people, homophobia, transphobia, nazis, etc etc

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

only 1 fluently

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

this question makes me laugh. all of my friends arent cis. idk its easier to be around fellow trans/nb people than cis people

147: Are you androgynous?

no

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

eyes

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

im a pretty kind person

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

i dont wanna talk to anyone im p good rn

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

answered this

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

yes and no

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

im a single pringle

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

i havent really done it much but i think i like it? im not entirely sure

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

yes i do

156: What embarrasses you?

me singing, my music tastes

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

fuckin everything

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

“yeah im a straight girl”

159: How many people are you following?

319

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

80,086

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

0162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

13,576

163: Last time you cried and why:

uh i think it was bc i was really overwhelmed with school and i had realized i was being taken adtantage of (again) and my eyes were ready to GO

164: Do you have long or short hair?

short hair

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

its been down to my ass before

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

people use it as an excuse to be shitty

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

its interesting to me

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

ive only worn it twice but idk i guess its okay?

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

no

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

yes

jesus christ this is long. ok. thank you anon

[voluntary-trepanation]

All questions

Full name Michael Anthony Iles

Zodiac sign Virgo 

3 Fears heights, lobotomies, sjws

3 things I love My friends, Photography, Lego

4 turns ons 

4 turns offs

My best friend Jack

Sexual orientation Hetro

My best first date havent

How tall am I bout 180cm

What do I miss life

What time were I born 4pmish

Favourite colour Orange and Green

Do I have a crush Nah

Favourite quote “Three in the hand is better than none in the bush”

Favourite place Friends house

Favourite food Chicken pasta bake

Do I use sarcasm fuck yeah

What am I listening to right now Empires (Feat. Luc Skyz) - Doc Brown

First thing I notice in new person humour

Shoe size 10 mens

Eye colour Blue

Hair colour naturally dark brown but black rn

Favourite style of clothing jeans and a tshirt

Ever done a prank call? nah

What colour of underwear I’m wearing now? Black and green

Meaning behind my URL lyrics 

Favourite movie Star wars 3

Favourite song Shakka - Say Nada

Favourite band BBK

How I feel right now Alright...

Someone I love idk

My current relationship status single af

My relationship with my parents alright

Favourite holiday when I went to Japan

Tattoos and piercings? nah

Tattoos and piercing i want One piece tattoo of something

The reason I joined Tumblr Friends told me to

Do I and my last ex hate each other? Dont have an ex

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? nah

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? nah

When did I last hold hands? idk

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 10 mins

Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? No

Where am I right now? at my computer at home

If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? Jack

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? reasonable level

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Yeh

Am I excited for anything? no

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? nah

How often do I wear a fake smile? sometimes

When was the last time I hugged someone? idk

What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I havent kissed anyone

Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? nah

What is something I disliked about today? Last day of school of this term

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Stormzy

What do I think about most? Photography

What’s my strangest talent? idk

Do I have any strange phobias? nah

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

What was the last lie I told? told a lot idk

Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Video chatting i guess

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? nah

Do I believe in magic? nah

Do I believe in luck? nah

What’s the weather like right now? cloudy

What was the last book I’ve read? Volume 70 of bleach

Do I like the smell of gasoline? nah

Do I have any nicknames? not really

What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? split my head

Do I spend money or save it? spend

Can I touch my nose with a tongue? nah

Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? yeh

Favourite animal? komodo dragon and monkeys 

What was I doing last night at 12 AM? sleeping

What do I think is Satan’s last name is? idk

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Say Nada

How can you win my heart? banter 

What would I want to be written on my tombstone? idk something stupid

What is my favourite word regime 

My top 5 blogs on tumblr @microsortofsoft​ @yellowheadache​ @line-sidemen​ @sidemadting​ @apartyinaforest​

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Shit pick up line

Do I have any relatives in jail? nah

I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? teleportation 

What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? nothing

What is my current desktop picture? its black

Had sex? nah

Bought condoms? nah

Gotten pregnant? nah

Failed a class? not yet :P

Kissed a boy? nah

Kissed a girl? nah

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? nah

Had job? nah

Left the house without my wallet? yeh all the time

Bullied someone on the internet? nah

Had sex in public? nah

Played on a sports team? yeah soccer ages ago

Smoked weed? nah

Did drugs? nah

Smoked cigarettes? nah

Drank alcohol? nah

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? nah

Been overweight? nah

Been underweight? yeh probs

Been to a wedding? nah

Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? every day

Watched TV for 5 hours straight? most weekends 

Been outside my home country? Been to Japan

Gotten my heart broken? nah

Been to a professional sports game? yeah, the hockey

Broken a bone? yeah

Cut myself? yeh

Been to prom? yes?

Been in airplane? yeh

Fly by helicopter? not sure

What concerts have I been to? haven’t

Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Ryan Reynolds :P

Learned another language? yeh, French and Japanese 

Wore make up? yeh

Lost my virginity before I was 18? nah

Had oral sex? nah

Dyed my hair? yeh, three times

Voted in a presidential election? no

Rode in an ambulance? dont think so

Had a surgery? nah

Met someone famous? nah

Stalked someone on a social network? yeh

Peed outside? yeh

Been fishing? nah

Helped with charity? yeh

Been rejected by a crush? nah

Broken a mirror? nah

What do I want for birthday? New digital Camera

How many kids do I want and what will be their names? idk

Was I named after anyone? yeah, My Grandfather 

Do I like my handwriting? yeh

What was my favourite toy as a child? dont remember 

Favourite Tv Show?
 White collar and common law

Where do I want to live when older? In a different country would be pretty cool

Play any musical instrument? not anymore

One of my scars, how did I get it? splitting my head

Favourite pizza toping? salami 

Am I afraid of the dark? nah

Am I afraid of heights? yeh

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? nah

Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? dont think so

What I’m really bad at talking to people I dont usually talk to

What my greatest achievements are being alive rn

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me idk lot of stuff to chose from

What I’d do if I won in a lottery By lots of analogue camera stuff

What do I like about myself not much

My closest Tumblr friend @u-wanna-go-m9

Something I fantasise about my ex dont have an ex

Thanks for the ask even though it took me ages to answer :P

[shewhowrites-stuff-blog]

This is the second chapter of one of my first novels. The story takes place in Seattle, Washington D.C. The main character is a 14 year old Jamaican ballerina who has been adopted by a white family.

It's Saturday morning, light streams in through the one window our dorm room has. The room is a total mess with clothes sprawled out on the floor, shoes randomly lying everywhere, chocolate wrappers, soda cans, and lots of other things. The result of the blast we had yesterday.

So I see, you're one of those girls! Henry's words haunt my conscience.

Which girls was he talking about? And what do I have to do with them? I suppose I'll never know. 

"... don't turn your back on me, you!" Melissa murmurs in her sleep.

Somewhere in her mind, I think she's playing a video game, and losing. I am not sure what backs have to do with video games, but I do know that they're relevant to Melissa. She and I have been roommates since we were freshmen.

She was strangely the only white person in Pencey to steal a glance in my direction or do so much as to utter the six magic words that made her my best friend: "Hey, I'm Melissa. What's your name?"

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. In the loud cafeteria, plates chattering, people giggling, forks scraping bowls, full mouths wide open, the lonely dark-skinned Jamaican girl with a huge afro sitting all alone in the corner, a chubby white girl in waist high jeans, plaid shirt, and sneakers advancing towards her... Her red hair just spoke to me then. With her tan arm outstretched and a wide, bright smile across her face, she lured me into our friendship. I couldn't resist her special uniqueness (is that a word?). One thing I liked about her, besides the fact that she demanded attention, is that she respected my preference to not speak at first. A solemn hand shake, shy laugh, and slight nod was all it took for her to understand me. Even now that I am comfortable enough to speak, I still do that. And she understands. I walk over to Melissa's side of the room and gently tap on her shoulder. "Ash, turn the lights off and go to bed," she mutters. I giggle, she still thinks it's nighttime. Melissa tends to be grumpy right before she wakes up. "But it's 10 a.m. in the morning." I try to reason with her, placing emphasis on the word morning. She rolls over and stares with her bloodshot eyes wide open. "Oh my GAWD! I had a date with Charlie scheduled over half an hour ago." Who schedules a date at that time of day? And isn't fifteen to early to early to date? That's Melissa. Free-spirited professional social rule breaker. She claims nothing has happened and nothing will happen between them when I try and warn her. Anyways, she's not foolish; I can trust her... to some extent (that extent does not go very far). "You could tell him that you overslept." I advice her.

"Ash, rule number one of dating boys: don't show your crush the quirky side of you. Charlie can't know that about me. It's just the same as me telling him that I actually drool in my sleep -- utterly and irrevocably embarrassing!"

"Send him a text then, apologise, make an excuse, craft a lie, get creative... or just speak the truth." I say matter of factly.

"Like I said; I can't do that. I will have to make it up to Charls." She yawns and stretches, then she walks to the bathroom and starts getting ready to leave. I should probably do the same since my parents will be here in 4 hours or less. Our school's closing today, that's why we decided to have a blast yesterday. 30 minutes later. "No, mom. Okay. I can walk there myself. That's fine.--But I am not a baby." Melissa's standing at the door of our room speaking to her mom, well rather arguing whether she should drive here or not. They live in ___, a town which is 4 hours away from Pencey. Her mother driving here means waiting, and Melissa tends to be very impatient. Melissa sighs and expostulates, "That's great mom. Drive safely." Her mother replies with something I can't hear, then she hangs up. "Jeez, quite a drag. I'm going to have to wait for HOURS on end. Wanna go have a blast?" It takes me a few seconds to realize that she's talking to me. Either my eavesdropping or Henry's words had me in a trance. I smile and nod, my eyes feeling glossy. I was wondering when she would ask me that. Again, it's enough to let her know that I agree.

"Wait, what about Charlie?" I ask, feeling curious.

"Don't worry about him, I can send him a text. And you know, it's been a while since you and I had fun." She places air quotes on the word fun and winks mischievously. To anyone else, this gesture is covert, but to me, it's totally normal for Melissa to sound so ominous. It's another thing I love about her. "I have to change. And fix my bed. And pack up. And call my parents. And then I--"

"You don't have to summarise all of your tasks," Melissa interrupts my sudden excuses to stay back. "We've got the whole day ahead of us. Besides, your parents won't be here for the next 2 hours." Does it sound like we're arguing? Well, this is how we communicate. "My clothes are all dirty. What am I going to wear?" I ask myself out loud.

"My jeans, your sneakers and a t shirt. Simple." I frown. Melissa's clothes would be too big for me. Somehow, she talks me into it and I end up wearing a white baggy t shirt and light blue waist-high jeans, (it looks better than it sounds). Note to self: No matter how ugly your clothes may seem, never ever wear Melissa's. I might have said it's not as bad as it sounds, but it's not good either. I had to shower and dress in 15 minutes because Melissa kept nagging me to hurry up. She believed that the sooner we got out of here, the more time we would have to spend doing fun things. "All set." Melissa says after studying my appearance. I look around, expecting to see nothing but a huge mess, only to find that she cleaned it all up. I repeat: Melissa fixed my bed, stuffed my laundry in my laundry bag, threw away the soda cans and plastic wrappers, put the shoes in their compartment, and folded her own clothes. Considering that she's naturally a messy person, this is impressive. She gets up to all sorts of unusual things when she's excited. I just wonder where she's taking me and why it's gotten her so hyped up. She grabs my hand and says, "Let's bounce!" I didn't even notice her walking over. We're the only ones around, accept for the janitor, a few teachers, and the principal. Once our door is locked and checked, we saunter into the street. En le calle. That's Spanish for In the street. I learned it from a book I read when I was nine. Doesn't it sound fancy? Melissa stands on the pavement with her right arm extended, waving up and down like a flag, beckoning a none existent taxi. This is futile. "Why don't we call a cab?"

"Oh, I should have thought of that." She takes her phone out and dials a number. I don't bother eavesdropping this time. In 20 minutes, the cab has arrived. We spent the entire time staring at people passing by. It's funny how quickly people can come if there's food and money involved. In the yellow cab, an old lady with a lot of makeup and a church outfit is half asleep, the driver is playing soft jazz, (which makes me gag) and Melissa's on Pinterest. I suddenly wish that I had brought my phone. After a while, things get boring and I start wondering whether coming along was actually worth it. Just as I am about to suggest that we go back to Pencey and its high walls and loud cafeteria, we have reached our destination. Melissa pays before I can even think of it. Wow, I forgot to bring money, too. She cracks some joke about high school, which makes the driver release a forced laugh. It probably wasn't funny. She does that sometimes, trying to entertain people, and not succeeding. "Ash, where are you today? Wait, you don't have to answer to that." She's standing at my door, a look of concern on her face, clearly waiting for me to get out. I nearly prance my way out and fake a grin. "I'm in love. " I joke, my eyes falsely dreamy, then shut the door. The cab leaves. She nudges me in the ribs and takes my hand in hers. "That's so not you, Ash. Seriously, where is your head today? Earth. To. Ashley." She's obviously not buying this. "Mel, I am sorry if I have been mentally absent lately, but Hen- this boy, he said something... to me. About my personality."

"What was it that he said?"

"He said that he sees, I am one of those girls."

"The w word?"

"No, just that,--in his own words."

"You should have told me sooner."

"If I did you would probably eat him alive."

"You bet I would!" She exclaims. We're both silent for a moment. I can feel her genuine disappointment towards my delay.-- I usually tell her things right after they happen, but not this time around. I look down at my feet, she lets go of my hand and hooks her arm around me instead. "You know you can tell me anything, kiddo."

"I know, mother." It's only funny because she's ten months older than me. She laughs quietly, then louder, until her voice is a full-on forte (Latin for loud). Once she realises that I'm silent, she puts both of her hands on my shoulder, leaning against me. "Ash, it's fine. I don't mind." Then I laugh, really laugh. She stares at me blankly, as if she doesn't believe me. But then seconds later, she's giggling again, now we're both crazy. "Let's go. Remember, you had something to show me." I finally speak. Sometimes Melissa struggles to believe that I can talk. I do too. By now, you must have had enough hearing about Melissa and feel like putting down this book, but now I will stop. If you will, please don't get annoyed with the word Melissa; she's my best friend. In fact, she's my only friend. Perhaps I should start talking more about myself.