#i wanna draw at least two other things from that video bc wow

[cdyssey]

Yellowjackets 2.08 Reactions

CW: Cannibalism

The opening scene of Mari and Misty helping Lottie pee is harrowing. Jfc. One thing that it’s high time for me to give YJ flowers for is its unflinching look at the human body. It’s unafraid to show us what the body does and how it functions in every facet. It’s gross at times, and yeah, that’s the point. Having a body can be gross; what comes out of it is abject.

MISTY CALLING MARI OUT!!!!!! WOW, THAT WAS GOOD. But now I’m sad for Mari. All of these girls are so fucked up.

Every time Akilah talks about her baby nephew, I wanna cry bc I have a baby nephew and I’d do anything in the world for him.

NOT FUCKING NUGGET BEING DE A D. GODDAMMIT.

THESE GIRLS ARE SO FUCKED UP.

If I had a nickel for every time Taissa has called out her teammates for talking to corpses, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Shauna returns to the group and they’re all so happy and tipsy; just five minutes ago, all these women were howling and dancing in the flurrying snow.

“Well, I didn’t have a fucking tape measure.” KQKWDJFNWK

Misty: “I should have done it myself.” Yeah, lmfao.

Van immediately knowing that Tai is lying to her.

VAN JUST YEETING THE KEYS OUT INTO THE WILDERNESS QOOQKDOWEK

The girls are fighting!!!!!

Lottie plays the peacemaker here. THE SHARING SHACK!!

Shauna, anguished, disgusted: No.

That cut from Lauren to Liv was so good.

Jesus, that shot of the two Tais in the window.

Oh, my fucking god. Belt soup. They have to eat belt soup.

(Even months and months after her death, mere weeks after they literally ate her, they’re still consuming Jackie Taylor.)

“Lottie took it from her to protect us.” Such a goddamn fascinating line because the implication is that if Shauna hadn’t been allowed that catharsis, she would have wrought vengeance upon them all.

“Maybe Lottie dying wouldn’t be the worst thing.” Goddamn. It’s a mirror of Nat telling Jackie’s remains that she was the lucky one.

Coach Ben and Nat’s relationship is still one of my favorite things ever. God, I’ll never forget their moment in the woods at Doomcoming.

Ben seems much more invested and present here (and while he’s rifling through Javi’s drawings) than we’ve seen him look all season; Misty really got through to him!!

Oh, my God. She almost tried to eat the mouse skeleton. (Like Shauna, if Akilah had to, she’d eat a creature that she loved to survive.)

Taissa hearing the dripping as well hhhh. THAT FUCKING BLOOD IS TERRIFYING.

I always get chills when I think of the theory of Mari’s hallucinations possibly portending her death as Pit Girl.

Matt the Cop is the FUCKING WORST. Every time he says something with that smarmy grin, I grind my teeth!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can he fucking look Callie in the eye?!

Go, Callie, for video taping him!!

“The other-just-as-problematic cop has your back. Congratulations.” I LOVE HER.

That fucking low blow about the cannibalism. KILL KILL KILL.

Eurghdhhdh, the photos of Adam.

WOW, THE GIRLIES (cough, Misty) DID THINK OF THE TATTOOS.

Jeff doesn’t back down from Kevyn, underscoring his utter loyalty to Shauna, the lengths he’d be willing to go to protect her, and I really do love him for it.

The girls are fucking SNIPING at each other in the Sharing Shack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Yeah. I’ve had Van’s address for years. You could’ve just asked me instead of outsourcing.” AKQKQOWIOWOWWJJDNSJE. Goddamn, never change Misty.

OH, ALL THE SECRETS ARE COMING OUT TONIGHT, HUH? YEAH, I’M HERE FOR IT.

MISTY NOT EVEN HESITATING TO GO FOR THE JESSICA ROBERTS REVEAL!!

“And, fuck, Shauna, it’s not like you couldn’t use the money.” GOD GOD GOD GOD?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEN JUST STRAIGHT UP CALLING NAT AN ADDICT.

CLAWS OUT TONIGHT.

Misty’s concern for Ben here is so touching, esp. right on the heels of her adult self saying that she fixed things, like she always did. She’s fucked up in a thousand myriad ways, at least a hundred of which the other girls are not, but it’s a testament to the show’s writing and Samantha/Christina’s acting, that it’s genuinely clear that she believes she’s doing it for some greater good.

Nat tenderly caring for Javi. 😭 So glad that young Nat’s getting some more screen time. I’ve missed her!!

“You’re a good person. And I’m sorry for… ever making you feel otherwise.” Sobs. Listen, Travis gets it.

“If I die, don’t waste my body.” Goddamn. Even on the verge of death, Lottie’s thinking about what’s best for the collective.

“Oh, wait, maybe those were her hands.” AKKQKWDNWJNSS. Van, I fucking love you.

“Misty, you are nothing if not proactive.” / “Thank you?” AOQOQKWOWJIWJWDJD.

SHAUNA’S FACE WHEN MISTY SAID THAT RANDY MENTIONED JEFF EJDJEND.

I’m so fucking glad this secret is coming out—all cards on the table!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love that shirt on Elijah. Really makes his eyes pop. Walter possibly being a fuckin’ snitch. I think it might be a misdirect, though.

THIS JEFF NIGHTMARE JESUS.

“Why the fuck would I like it?” AWMEKKEWMSN

The nightmare told us something we’ve deeply suspected for a long time: Jeff loves Shauna, yeah, but he cannot fucking handle the wilderness within her.

JEFF KNOWS ABOUT WILDERNESS BABY.

THIS BEING THE FIRST FUCKING TIME CALLIE HAS LEARNED ABOUT HIM.

GOD GOD GOD

Callie reacting with absolute devastation when she hears this. She loves her mom so much.

This talk between Jeff and Callie is so goddamn tender and good. But his emphasis that she doesn’t have to bear her parents’ burdens is tragic in light of the fact that, Jesus Christ, she already has. From the moment Callie Sadecki entered the world, she was a product of all the effed up shit her parents had gone through, and now she just learned that for herself.

Shauna saying “Me either” at being unable to imagine being in the cabin without Lottie. Like, girl, YOU PUT HER IN THIS POSITION. WOQKWKWOWNDDJNDNDS. YOU’RE SO FUCKED UP ASNDNSND

Taissa: “You lied to me.” / It’s personal for Tai after all the shit she and Shauna have gone through together.

This Tai-Shauna back-and-forth is brutal. The reaction shot to Lottie just made me realize that she’s been quiet during all of these exchanges.

“… I probably would have fucking killed them.” Shauna’s unflinching honesty here is so, so good. Every uncontrollable impulse she’s had this season has been unexplainable to her, but she knows for certain that she would have killed, even if it meant hurting her friends. She’s done far worse to them before.

Hell, they’ve all sunk their teeth into each other, with equal amounts of violence and all-consuming love.

Oh, God. Lottie doesn’t believe in therapy and psychological needs anymore. 😬 And ironically enough, Nat is the one who is advocating for talking it out.

ARE THEY DRAWING CARDS TO FUCKING HUNT

OH GOD I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE LATER

THEY START IN THE FIRST WINTER?!

THE QUEEN CARD

AND THEY’RE ALL COMPLICIT. THEY’RE ALL STANDING IN THIS CIRCLE BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE THEY’RE MAKING THE CORRECT CHOICE OF ACTION. HOLY GODDAMN SHIT

Tai’s visceral sigh of relief when Van doesn’t draw it.

JAVI FUCKING RUNNING TO HIS BROTHER. I’M UNWELL

NATALIE?!

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

And they’re all in goddamn tears.

JACKIE TAYLOR’S FUCKING NECKLACE FOR GOOD LUCK.

I AM SICK. FUCKING JACKIE FLASHBACK.

THE GIRL WHO HAUNTS THE NARRATIVE; SHE WILL ALWAYS HAUNT THE NARRATIVE.

SHAUNA THE BUTCHER. THEY WERE GONNA SLAUGHTER HER IN THE CABIN.

I love how Ben steps out for a few hours and the team decides to resort to ritual killing and cannibalism.

“Wait. You’re gonna have to look me in the eye.” Shauna is visibly terrified. Jesus Christ. It’s one thing to carve up something that’s already dead—a deer, a bear, your very best friend—it’s another thing entirely to hold a knife up to the throat of someone you love and slaughter them.

TRAVIS SAVING NAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT THE GIRLS FUCKING HOWLING AS THEY GO HUNTING. THIS MAKES THE SCENE LAST WEEK WHERE THE ADULTS WERE HOWLING SO FUCKED UP!! THAT WAS THEIR HUNTING CRY!!

This needle drop is insanely good.

Adult Shauna, right on the heels of the girls sacrificially hunting Nat: “None of that was real, Lottie.” GOD GOD GOD

“Natalie’s right, look at what we lived through.” NAT, WHO LITERALLY GOT HUNTED!!!!

OH GOD. LOTTIE MATTHEWS FULLY SUGGESTING THEY SACRIFICE ONE OF THEMSELVES. GIRL.

LOTTIE HAD THE EUTHANASIA DRINK ALL PREPARED. JESUS

“It is quick and it is also painless.” Unlike the death that those hunted will receive—i.e. Pit Girl.

“Misty, you did actually kill someone.” AKWMSNSNDNNSSN.

Van is the only one whose big secret didn’t get revealed in the circle.

“Why don’t you just volunteer to drink it, Lottie?” HOLY FUCK. THE DISDAIN

LOTTIE IS REALLY ON THE VERGE OF CONVINCING ALL THE WOMEN THAT THIS IS HOW IT GOES.

Ben, while ur doing the good work, your girlies are hunting Natalie in the woods.

Javi trying to save Nat too. 😭 And this is the most he’s spoken this season since talking to Ben in that one episode.

THE WAY THEY BREAK OUT OF THEIR ANIMALISTIC STATES WHEN JAVI FALLS THROUGH THE ICE.

THE GIRLS ALL STANDING THERE.

MISTY ACTIVELY TRYING TO FACILITATE THE DEATH.

“If you save him, the others will get you.” AND SHE’S FUCKING GODDAMN RIGJT

AND NATALIE STOPS STRUGGLING. BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO LIVE.

TRAVIS AND JAVI BOTH TRIED TO SAVE HER. I’M

THIS IS THE MOST UPSETTING FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY GODDAMN LIFE

IT’S A REVERSAL OF THE WHITE MOOSE.

I’M NOT WELL.

NOT VAN SAYING THE WILDERNESS CHOSE.

THIS EPISODE IS UNREAL. HOW IS IT EVEN MORE UNHINGED THAN “DOOMCOMING?!”

THE PROMO THE PROMO THE PROMO THE PROMO

THE WOMEN ARE GOING TO FUCKING HUNT ONE OF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN 2021!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRAVIS EATINT HIS BROTHER IS SO FUCKING. IT IS?????

[doodleswithangie]

So. Dan and Phil in 2018, eh? What’s that about? (X)

“ten years”

Check out my other doodles here! 

[thehyperkraken]

EDIT: yall idk why the actual fic isnt showing up in the tags but this shit is, bc thats literally the opposite of what i wanted, but for the love of god read the fic first and/or instead, that’s the thing i spent more than 20 minutes on: [link]

Hey random idea dump for that one fic i done did yeehaw... it’s almost longer than the fic itself but jesus christ i need to get these ideas out of my head and throw them into the internet ether, seriously don’t read this its a goddamn mess

So ghjkdf the actual plotty part of that fic came from that one b99 bit... the Bone one.....u kno

Arthur: Come on, Dutch. The O'Driscolls thing isn't the problem. You're in a bad mood because you've been so busy planning this heist that it's keeping you and Hosea apart. You two just need to bone. John: Oh no... Dutch: ...What did you say? John: Don't say it again! Arthur: I said you two need to bone. John: Oh my god... Dutch: (with barely contained fury) Hhhhhow Dare you Arthur Morgan, I am thIS GANG'S LEADER!!! You have NO RIGHT to comment on my sex life— (5 minutes later) Dutch, standing on top of a table screaming: BONE?!?!?! (10 minutes later) Dutch: What happens in my bedroom, son, is NONE of your business— (20 minutes later) Dutch, jumping up and down on the table: BOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!! (40 minutes later) Dutch: And don't EVER speak to me like that AGAIN! (storms off) John, sunken down in his chair in horror: Why the hell did you do that? Arthur: (shrugs) They need to bone. John: Gross, Arthur! That's our dads!

And then like a day later gfdhkg

John: Oh hey Dutch! I know you don't want to talk about Hosea, BUT, I had an idea— Dutch: No need, John, it's all good. John: So... your fight with Hosea is over? Dutch: Yep. John: Because you finally figured out a plan for the heist...? Dutch: Nope! Arthur, excitedly: Because you guys—? Dutch: Yyyyep! Arthur, looking smug: Knew it. John: Ugh... Arthur: (leans down close to him) See, what happened is, our dads had sex— John: UGH, SHUT UP!

Another inspiration I had was John Mulaney’s bit about zoning out for John with adhd,,,,, the part where he’s like “the doctor was reading me the results of a blood test, it was IMPORTANT that I LISTENED, but NO, I zoned out, I was like, I’m just gonna stare at the wall and think m’thoughts” that’s why I wrote the part where John was like “ehhh attention deficient something something disease” bc it made me laugh gjhggdjh

Dutch: so the doctor says you have ADHD John: (thinking about minecraft) what?

Also unrelated but blease consider Arthur teaching John to drive like

Arthur: are you watching the road? John: ........I am looking through the windshield Arthur: John: .......and I’m not gonna hit anyone...... Arthur: John: ....but no. I’m thinkin’ about minecraft

(Also I don’t know anything about ssb I’ve played it once and hated it, minecraft is my og video game love, but Abigail beating John at ssb is funnier, I’m a fake gamer boy :^( rip)

ONE MORE INSPIRATION THAT ONE VINE ITS MY FAVORITE VINE

Arthur: are you drinking coke for breakfast? John: yeah, what did you have for breakfast? Arthur: ........nothing John: (sipping his drink) I’m doing better than you, then

Anyway onto ACTUAL IDEA STUFF HOORAY

So when Dutch and Hosea decided to adopt, they agreed they wanted to take in kids who needed good homes the most, so they were specifically looking for older kids who would probably age out of the system and wind up on the streets

They met Arthur who was a clearly depressed and gender non conforming thirteen year old who hated everyone and everything and wasn’t getting the Love he Deserved, and Dutch was like “I want THAT ONE, with the SAD EYES”

Arthur tried to push them away at first, cuz he absolutely didn’t trust anyone, and some part of him believed they’d just give him right back up for adoption if he disappointed them in any way. But he eventually learned that they were good guys who really just wanted to help him, and they weren’t gonna abandon him if he wasn’t the perfect kid they always wanted

(he probably told them about this fear eventually and Hosea just snorted and was like “if we wanted a perfect kid we woulda got a cabbage patch doll. something that wouldn’t scream or make a mess” and Dutch was like “yeah! or like a 27 year old with a job and their own house and kids of their own. pre-made grandkids” and Hosea was like “or a cat” and Arthur was like “...okay��)

Anyway it took a loooong time but Arthur eventually trusted them enough to come out to them as trans, without really knowing the proper words for everything, just knowing that He Is A Boy And That’s That. As much as Hosea is the one the lads go to to talk about stuff and get comfort and Wise Dad Advice, he probably told Dutch first bc he was more uncertain how he’d respond and he wanted to get it over with in the worst way possible.... like, if they were gonna react badly, heap all the bullshit on in one fell swoop

I imagine he did it off the cuff too, in response to something Dutch said, like Dutch was like “u get back here right now young lady” and Arthur was like “first of all I’m not a lady, I’m a BOY, and second of all FUCK you, I do what I WANT” and Dutch was like “groovy. you’re grounded.” Arthur was like (offended) “don’t say groovy... don’t try to be hip” and Dutch was like “no it’s totally tubular that ur a boy. It’s absolutely funky. You’re fucking grounded though”

Then he went and told Hosea like “congrats! it’s a boy” and they helped him transition and they didn’t tolerate a single person misgendering him the whole time. Like before he’s even begun transitioning, they’re literally at the doctors office to discuss it w/ their doc for the first time, and a nurse is like “ms. morgan?” And Dutch is like “INCORRECT” and the doctor is like “what seems to be the problem (deadname)?” and Dutch is like “FOOL! THIS CHILD WAS LABELED INACCURATELY, WE REQUIRE A GENDER RETRACTION” and Hosea’s like “please stop yelling”

Anyway probably about a year later they got John when he was ten and Arthur was fifteen. Arthur was a little bit jealous like, wow, am I not enough kid for u, but Dutch and Hosea always planned on getting at least two bc they wanted them to have siblings, and they know John came from a pretty abusive situation, so Arthur can’t be too mad at him. At least until he met John and realized what a fucking brat he is

Since John was younger and way more desperate for affection, he immediately loved Dutch and Hosea just bc they were nice to him, he was ready to call them his dads within the month but he was nervous that it was too soon and they’d be weirded out. But I imagine he got triggered by something and had a meltdown and they got to see just a glimpse of what he’d been through, and Dutch and Hosea were falling over themselves trying to comfort him and tell him they love him and now I’m making myself cry :’^(

Anyway... from that point on John was like “these are the only dads I’ve ever had and I would kill a man for them.” He gets in trouble quite a bit bc he’s Naughty, but Dutch and Hosea always make sure to punish him fairly and never yell or be physically intimidating with him or permanently take away his stuff, like they make him do chores to earn back the right to use the xbox or something. And they always explain to him exactly what he did wrong and why he’s being punished and talk to him about how he can make it better or what he can do next time, or if there’s a root problem, like he’s acting out bc he’s overwhelmed with school work or smthn, how they can help him. Especially after he gets diagnosed with ADHD

And of course they do all this with Arthur too, but they make a special concerted effort with John bc he’s The Baby :^) and Dutch somehow maintains an attitude of “idk what ur talking about, John has never done anything wrong ever in his life” every time he gets in trouble meanwhile Hosea is like “what do you MEAN, he’s a GREMLIN” fjfjfhhf

Arthur was probably diagnosed with depression and anxiety at some point... it was probably a long process to get him to even admit he had a problem bc he didnt wanna bother anyone... Arthur also probably came from an abusive situation from the way canon Arthur talks about his dad, but Arthur is much more the type to be like “i’m gonna keep all my feelings inside, and then one day, i’ll die” whereas John is like “i will SCREAM if i get a papercut”

[EDIT: i woke up in a cold sweat at 4 AM with this in my head so now i’m putting it here

Charles: So, Arthur... Do you wanna talk about your feelings? Arthur: No. John: I do! :) Charles: ...I know, John. John: I’m sad! :) Charles: I know, John.

i’m sure it’s been done before but it’s so good. ok now back to our regularly scheduled programming]

In regards to Arthur being trans, John doesn’t really Get It, Arthur tried to explain it to him once and John couldn’t care less, all he knows is Arthur used to be a girl or something, there’s tea involved probably, and John is thinking about minecraft again... he has 2 am thoughts about it sometimes and comes to Arthur like “what IS gender” and Arthur’s just like “hm. big mood”

Dutch is “Dad” and Hosea is “Papa” or “Pa” or “Pops” or “Dad, No Not You, The Other One” or “Other Dad.” Hosea really doesn’t mind at all, he wouldn’t care if the kids called him Hosea or mom or anything else, it truly isnt important to him. But Dutch Loves being Dad. Every time they call Dutch Dad he grows three times stronger and 10 years are added to his lifespan. Dutch is an Alpha Parent, he 100% goes to every parent teacher conference and bake sale, he’d go to every game and concert too if either of his kids had a single athletic or musical bone in their dumb little bodies. I guess the school probably hosts art galleries sometimes to display art the kids make, Arthur always has a drawing in one of those, and Dutch will absolutely go just to brag about his cool son.

Dutch is the Fun Energetic Dad who embarrasses the boys in front of their friends but can always be talked into taking them out to get ice cream. Hosea is the more quietly anxious dad, he makes sure they do their homework and keep their rooms clean and shit, and he's the one the kids always go to talk to when they’re having problems... like Arthur will rant for an hour and a half about high school drama and Hosea will patiently listen to all of it and when he's done he’ll offer to kick the other kids’ asses for him, and Arthur’s like lmao but Hosea Means It.

Hosea is also the one the kids go to for help on their homework because Hosea and Dutch have five brain cells between them, and four of them belong to Hosea. Dutch is like “suddenly I don’t remember basic math, time to make shit up” and Hosea is like “I must become an expert on 1820s Chinese history in two days for my beautiful sons”

I have NO idea what either of their jobs are, I wanna say Hosea is a lawyer or smthn but idk, Dutch is probably like......................a used car salesman LMAO...... they clearly make a lot of money (or maybe STOLE SOME) bc I gave them a huge house w/ a pool gjhkdhg

Anyway more about THE KIDS

They go to a school that is a combination middle school and high school, bc that’s what my school was like

Mrs. Grimshaw is the strict and irritable principal with a secret soft spot for kids, Mr. Pearson is the cafeteria cook, Strauss works in the office, I wanna say Rev. Swanson is a weird but friendly janitor or something lmao. Uncle is Dutch & Hosea’s annoying forever-drunk neighbor who everyone barely tolerates fjfjhfh

Micah is The School Bully but like bc this is a cutesy high school au and I can do what I want, he’s not actually like a violent racist or anything he’s just a bad mad sad kid who is a huge dick

Bill is Micah’s Bully Henchman, he’s generally not as much of a dick as Micah is, but he punches whoever Micah asks him to bc they are the closest thing to friends that either of them have

Trelawny is a new student who just moved from another school and he’s that fucking Weird Magician Kid who can’t hold a conversation longer than five seconds without saying “wanna see a magic trick,” tried to do some unimpressive card tricks for the school talent show, unironically wears a cape, etc.... Arthur stood up for him when he was getting pushed around by Micah and Bill so now Arthur has +1 more weird friend

Karen is the Popular Girl who somehow knows everyone, is probably a cheerleader, everyone is either extremely intimidated by her or thinks she’s gonna be a stuck up bitch, but she’s actually just super fucking chill and nice, WILL stab a man for her friends, she won’t hesitate bitch

Tilly is Karen’s bff who was getting bullied by *shakes fist* those dang foreman brothers.... Karen stood up for her and Tilly was like “no don’t u will get hurt!!” and Karen was like “ha... fool... cheerleaders cannot die” and whooped ass with her gymnastics skills and somehow got the foreman brothers expelled. So now Tilly is like “I owe u one (1) Life Debt” but Karen is like “nah it’s chill just come to target w/ me & we’ll call it even.” Tilly is just tryna get shit done and do her damn homework but everybody else is going on adventures and being nuisances so of course Tilly has to go too bc come on....... who do you take her for, some kinda two-bit GEEK? NO WAY

Mary Beth is a quiet nerdy girl who’s always reading or writing and never talks in class or anything. Karen and Tilly became her friends thru sheer brute force, Karen just sat by her one day n was like “sup” and Mary Beth was too shy to ask her to leave. They were surprised to discover Mary Beth is actually pretty nice and funny when you get to know her and also the Biggest Lesbian Alive

Sadie is a BAD BITCH... NOBODY fucks with Sadie, not even Micah, Sadie is the girl who when some dipshit boy spreads a rumor that he had sex with her, she agrees and tells everyone she pegged him and he cried after, she hasn’t given a fuck since 2007. she climbs on the roof to get lost frisbees. one time she got the gym coach to agree to give her an automatic A in the class if she did 100 push ups in 5 minutes. Then she Did That. She might have pulled several muscles in both of her arms but She Did That. Karen, Tilly, and Mary Beth (but mostly Karen) approached her like “damn that was sick” and Sadie was like “yea i know” and then they were friends

I literally don’t know anything about Sean I’m sorry...... maybe he’s a transfer student who becomes friends with John, they play Minecraft together and Sean boobytraps the houses John builds. Sean is the only living human being who understands how redstone works and he uses his powers for evil

Molly is going to a nearby community college and is working at the high school part time as a TA and she is like 19-20 or smthn so the kids all think she’s The Hottest Shit,,,, like they think she’s just the coolest hippest person alive, but also she is Very Attractive so fuckin everybody has a crush on her, most specifically Javier and Mary Beth. She ineptly tries to flirt with Dutch every time he comes to a parent teacher conference bc she’s dummy thicc and thinks it’s friendship goals that Dutch lives with and has adopted children with his Best Bud Hosea

The teacher Molly is TA for is Charles Chatenay, an all-grades art teacher who takes his job WAY too seriously, like dude chill they’re high schoolers. His class is where Arthur met Albert, bc Arthur loves drawing and obviously Albert loves photography. They were both like “wow he’s cute” but were too shy to talk to each other for more than basic pleasantries, until one day Albert’s Big Project was ruined a day or two before he was gonna turn it in, and Arthur helped him fix it.

They’re so sweet on each other it’s unbearable, they’re both Soft Boys so they fuckin blush if they make eye contact...... the most bold either of them get is when Arthur is feeling insecure about his body and Albert gladly tells him how perfect and handsome he is in every way, and he wishes he was half as gorgeous as Arthur is, and Arthur is like (offended) um, excuse me, how dare u insult my beautiful boyfriend in this way?? They both wanna grow beards so while they’re still going thru Changes they excitedly bond over their facial hair......... they run up to each other at school like LOOK AT MY NEW CHIN HAIR and the other one is like WOW!!! GOOD JOB

Javier has a big lovely family who spoil him rotten and tbh love to spoil his friends when they come over too, his parents are in a constant and devastating game of dish-gifting with Dutch & Hosea, Arthur and John have eaten more of Mr. & Mrs. Escuella’s tamales than any other food, neither Dutch nor Hosea are very good cooks but luckily Javier has plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins who are happy to occasionally take one of their unimpressive lasagnas or cakes from a box mix

Lenny’s cool dad in canon is the high school au dad of Charles and Lenny, he and Charles’s mom amicably divorced and he got remarried to Lenny’s mom, who is a Cool Stepmom to Charles. Charles and Lenny go stay with Charles’s mom all the time, in fact she was around so much when they were younger that she practically helped raise them both. maybe she gets a gf and Charles and Lenny have so many moms and are so loved & cherished like they fuCKIN DESERVE

Kieran is the weird horse girl at school, he’s Lenny’s age, they become friends when they’re forced to sit next to each other and they’re both too awkward and shy to say anything until they’re paired up on a project together bc everyone else in the class already paired up and they were the only ones left gjkhfd.... John wants to dislike Kieran bc Lenny is HIS friend now, but Kieran is a sweet lad with a mean dad.... His dad is Colm O’Driscoll, Dutch & Hosea’s other neighbor and Dutch’s sworn enemy

Dutch expects Kieran to be as shitty as his dad, but he is a SWEET BOY, and as soon as they realize his situation, they tell Kieran he can come over whenever he wants and spend the night any time, he doesn’t have to ask or anything, but Kieran is super respectful and always asks permission and always tries to come over when John or Arthur are there so he can go under the pretense of hanging out with them, bc he doesn’t wanna intrude...

Once he came over when Hosea was the only one home and he was like “hi Mr. Matthews are John and Arthur home” and Hosea was like “no sorry they’re out” and Kieran was like “oh... ok sorry I’ll just go then” and Hosea was like “absolutely not” and brought Kieran in and made him snacks and wrapped him in many blankets and watched a kids movie with him until he fell asleep on the couch... when Dutch came home he was like “??? new son ???” and Hosea was like “yea I guess. oops”

When Kieran gets older they help him become an emancipated minor and get a job and his own place (even tho he knows they’d let him stay with them if he wanted) and he changes his last name to his mom’s maiden name Duffy... Colm and Dutch glare at each other over their fences and Colm is like “enjoying stealing my son?” and Dutch is like “my son now” but Colm really doesn’t care bc he’s an asshole... and even tho they don’t legally adopt him, Kieran’s like “I’m more of a Van der Linde than an O’Driscoll” and oops i’m making myself cry again :’)

And yes Abigail does eventually teach John how to play stupid super smash bros. She’s Pro Gamer level of competent at nearly all video games and John has the biggest heart eyes for her, the end thank u for listening

[official-mr-saxobeat]

N e way it has been 728 days since I last saw/had any communication from my older brother (and longer for my little brother, but I don't know the exact date bc I wasn't fucking PAYING ATTENTION.)

And you know what? I remember the day. 7-14-17. He told me he'd text me the next day and see me the next week. You wanna know how many times he's contacted me? Zero. He's also blocked me. All because his fucking CUNT parents (can you say: DIS-GUS-TENG) decided for some fucking UNKNOWN reason that our mom, sister, and I needed to be cut off completely. Literal family, disowned with absolutely no explanation. He and I were closer than ANYONE and ALWAYS told each other we were more important than anyone else to each other. He has had so, so many opportunities to contact me. Literally just sending a fucking letter could've worked. Just, "Hey, it's Tyler. Simon and I are ok. We miss you a ton. Don't send anything back." But would you guess what? Nope. Nothing. One of his friends said that he misses me, and is apparently going to text me once he's 18. But a mutual friend of ours (who's closer to him than the other one) said more recently that he hates me now! Neat. Great. Good. Wonderful. Our sister lived in a much, MUCH more dangerous house than his, and yet wouldn't you know it! She has contacted me every single time she's had the opportunity, and risked a lot for it too. Even if she couldn't carry on a conversation, she'd let me know that she was at least safe or ok. And wow! Now that she has a phone again, she texts me all the time! Almost like...if you put in the effort to contact someone you care about, you absolutely can! She's planning to drive down and visit me! (If you're reading this Pauline I love you SO HECKING MUCH HOE ASS HOE!!!!)

I even believe that our little brother would have contacted me if he knew how. He was fucking six the last time I saw him. He's turning nine this August. Of COURSE he can't contact me, he doesn't have a phone or know my address to send a letter.

Anyway. I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. Lots of people have told me to just give up.

....

Don't they get it...? I can't ever give up. He was my everything. Absolutely everything to me. He was there, always, no matter what.

He has no idea how many times I've cried, sobbed myself to sleep over losing him. He has no idea how much sleep I've lost over him, whether it be from nightmares where he finds me and tells me he hates me and hopes I kill myself, or from not being able to sleep because I had an unexplainable feeling that he might, just maybe, come see me, and I didn't want to go to sleep for fear of not hearing a knock or the doorbell. I'd already gone through that with our sister. He has no idea how many times I've come so, so close to just texting him, telling him how much I miss him, telling him I've changed, how much I wish he'd come back. How much I wish I could just hear his voice. See his face. Hear his laugh.

I don't know what I did. I have absolutely no clue. Neither does Pauline. Or our mom. Not an inkling. I found a letter the other day from them when I was going through boxes. A birthday card. There were long messages from both of them (the cunts) inside, telling me how much they loved me, how proud they were of me and the young man I was growing into, how much they loved having me as a part of their family, etc, etc. Who knew that in less than a year and a half from then, they'd be telling me I shouldn't ever ask about going on a family trip to the beach. But not for the same reason it used to be. It used to be, "Don't ever ask if you can come with us on a family trip, you're OBVIOUSLY coming! Why wouldn't you? You are family, after all!"

Then it was, "You're so selfish. Don't EVER ask something like that. Why would you think you could just invite yourself on a trip with us? How DARE you be so disrespectful!? You should be ashamed of yourself."

I hadn't even asked to go. I had been on every single beach trip EVER with them. They were family, after all. Tyler told me they were going to Santa Monica and asked if I was coming. I said no. I hadn't even known anything about it. So I texted CUNT BITCH (CB) and she didn't respond. All I said was, "Hey, Tyler told me you're going on a beach trip on Monday and Tuesday, did you forget to invite me or should I just not come?"

She didn't respond for over four hours. Which was really fucking weird. Because she always responded to me. So I texted again. "It's totally fine if I can't come, I'd just appreciate it if you could tell me instead of leaving me on read please."

Wow! Would you guess what. CUNT FUCK (CF) (her husband) texted me ALMOST IMMEDIATELY from her phone. The message read something like (I don't have the original texts anymore),

"How could you be so selfish. Inviting yourself on a trip that's for FAMILY ONLY. (Insert rant about how I'm a terrible person and caused CB to have a "panic attack") (and yes, I know putting panic attack in quotations seems really bad, but she faked panic attacks the entire time I knew her, aka my whole life. And they got SO much worse in those last couple months.) You hurt CB so much. You know how much she cares about you, and yet you accused her of ignoring you. How could you. I'm disappointed in the amount of disrespect you are showing right now." (Side note, I went over to his house back in June, CB opened the door, didn't recognize me at first, then said, "Nope, get out!" And slammed the door in my face.)

Tyler came over the next day, we hung out, he left. When he hugged me goodbye he said he'd talk to his parents about bringing me on the beach trip, he didn't know why they hadn't asked me.

And that was the last I heard from him. Friday, July fourteenth, 2017. Never again. I don't know if he hates me. But it certainly seems like he does.

I don't know, maybe one day he'll contact me again. Maybe he won't. Maybe I'll live the rest of my life wondering what I did and why he and his parents hate me. Maybe he will contact me, just to tell me what a terrible person I am and how glad he is he was separated from me.

I don't know.

I just want to talk to him again. I want to tell him how sorry I am for being a bossy prick. For beating him up when we were little (but I mean we're fucking brothers, and that's just what we fucking did back then). For not being there on his 14th birthday. For getting angry when he won games. For being angsty all the time when I was older. For lecturing him about Homestuck all the time. For being in the hospital so much when I was younger (see: being angsty all the time). For spending more time with s/o's than him sometimes. For waking him up at 0100 in the morning in 7th grade. For being so flamboyant about my sexuality for a few years (god, that was bad). For saying TRIGGERED every two seconds. For hurting myself even after I promised I wouldn't. For not being good enough at the piano to play the Animal Crossing: City Folk museum theme with him. For not waking up early when he was over. For not making enough (or good enough) homemade gifts for him. For not having enough random gift days. For not listening to him when he said things I was doing were edgy. For making him listen to annoying music.

For not being a good enough brother.

I miss him so much. I miss Simon so much. I miss Pauline so much too, obviously, but it's different because I've been able to talk with her all the time. I know she loves and misses me. I also have a feeling that Simon loves and misses me too. He always liked/loved me more than anyone else. He hated his parents. He told me so. I was the only one that respected him. I feel like no matter the amount of brainwashing his parents did to him, he'd know the truth. I just hope he knows I didn't abandon him. That I love him so much. And that it hurts so, so much, every day. And especially on Christmas and his birthday. And Halloween. We loved Halloween.

It's 0606 now. There's 41 hours and 54 minutes until it's been two whole years.

I wonder if he remembers the day...?

I don't know.

I wonder if he'll read this one day. Probably not. But if he does I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him and how much I miss our driveway talks in the middle of the night and Mario kart races and pool games and water pool games and snowmen and sledding and writing stories together and drawing maps together and listening to pop songs while making fun of them and playing the undertale song game and playing minecraft and watching markiplier and fighting and cheating at board games in each other's favor and sorting candy after Halloween and collecting shit money from a camel in that Indiana Jones lego Wii game and making characters in that star wars lego Wii game and screaming badgers at the top of our lungs and spinning in circles to the hamster dance and walking home from elementary school and learning Japanese and OPERATIONTWENTYFOURHUNDRED and Sliced and making house tour videos and other fucking stupid home videos and building legos and rebuilding legos bc of simon and REREBUILDING LEGOS BC OF SIMON and planning midnight snacks that never happened and going to the waterpark and going to the park and finally being allowed to go places on our own and practicing singing to you and seeing you at all my concerts and playing Kirby's Return to Dreamland to 100% together and making really disgusting food creations when we were really little and playing with your hotwheels and cleaning my (DIS-GUS-TENG) room together and having random gift days and all your birthdays and all my birthdays and your AMAZING peanut butter fudge banana smoothie (which I,,, still have yet to perfect) and you being absolutely blunt and truthful towards me (except about my drawing skills/drawings which you absolutely loved even though they were terrible) and going through the undertale files to try and hack the end credits so we could get through the mysterious door and having tea parties together with that FUCKING TINY tea set (I have a big one now though) and giving you fashion shows with fucking stupid clothes that were really bad and playing Wii ski together and Super Mario Galaxy together while you were Mario and I froze enemies and collected stars and playing HMTOT and playing Animal Crossing and you selling everything you caught and all your furniture (besides mario stuff, obviously) so I could buy the Gracie Grace stuff (god, I was a cunt) and EOU (YOU'RE AS BLIND AS A WORM) and essentially having our own language and reading jack and annie books when we were really little and just. There's 20,000 more things plus some but I could never list them all. Everything we've ever done together I miss.

I don't know your views on a lot of things now. I don't know what you think about gay people. I've heard that you've called me they instead of he ever since we stopped talking. That's understandable, though. I dressed like a girl and wore makeup and stuff. I was confused. I thought that's what you were supposed to do, as a gay dude. Obviously not. I'm way less out there about my sexuality now. It's not something I talk about. It's not my whole fucking personality anymore. Which is really good.

I've changed so much since I last talked to you. I'm not edgy anymore. I fucking finally hit puberty (GODDAMN IT WAS FUCKING LATE) and my voice is really deep and I've been growing quite a bit of facial hair, which is nice. I don't look like a fucking girl anymore because I stopped dressing like one and wearing makeup and stuff. I realized that being mistaken for a girl felt like shit and tumblr was shit for encouraging that, just because I'm gay. I haven't hurt myself since September 4th, 2017. So that's also good. I've seen the bad things in mom that I couldn't see before. (Even though there's literally. Nothing that should have made your fucking cunt mother and father disown Pauline and mom and I.) I've made more friends and lost a lot too. I've done more writing, but nothing too edgy. I got my shit together in school and I'm going to CCCC starting in the fall. I almost have my driver's license. One of my best friend's moms is the manager at Starbucks and I talked to her about hiring me, so I'm getting a job soon, too. I started learning the piano again, for the first time in 12 years. Since the last time your mom taught it to me. I started cooking more, and have made some pretty amazing dishes, if I do say so myself. Mom and I sent you and Simon birthday and Christmas presents every year. They always were sent back. Except for your 16th birthday. I bought you a pineapple pizza club pin and an orange dad hat with an orange on it. Those are the only things that ever haven't been sent back. I sent a note with them too. Did you read it? I hope so.

I brag about you all the time. Mostly about how smart you are. "My brother essentially taught himself pre-calculus in 10th grade, and STILL passed the class," I say. I then go on to explain that you were homeschooled and your math teacher almost never showed up to the online classes.

I've wondered often about what college you're going to go to, or even if you are going. We used to plan to go to one together. I can't even remember what I wanted as a career the last time we talked. I remember that you had no idea, though. I remember you being really good at coding. Maybe you're majoring in computer sciences? I don't know.

I really miss you a ton. Before she kicked me out, mom used to encourage me to send you a letter. I never did. I was scared. Scared of getting a letter back like the one I sent to Simon on his eighth birthday, or the Christmas package we sent in 2017. Both came back to our house with "RETURN TO SENDER!!!!!!!" written in thick black sharpie on the front. Even worse, I imagined a letter back in your handwriting. I would've been so, so ecstatic. Beyond thrilled. Then upon opening it, finding a handwritten letter from you saying that you never wanted to hear from me again and that you hated me.

It was selfish of me. To not send you a letter. I'm sorry. I texted you twice. You blocked me the second time. It was too scary to me. I should've been brave. For you. Just so you knew I was thinking of you. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I miss you so much.

After I moved back to our hometown, I thought about going to your house. I texted one of your friends. He said that he could text you for me. He said that you said you miss me. And that you'd text me as soon as you turned 18. Tyler, you don't even know my number. I don't know if the guy was lying or not, but I don't think so. He doesn't seem like the type. He said that you wouldn't have him communicate for us. I don't know why.

I don't know why your parents hate me. I don't know what I did. For the longest time, my therapist and mom and Pauline told me that I didn't do anything, it had to have been something between mom and your mom. I didn't believe that at all. If it was just mom, why did they cut Pauline and I off...? But eventually I started to believe them. That was clearly a mistake, seeing how your mom treated me when I saw her. I wonder if she told you about that. She literally slammed the door in my face. In her own son's face. Who she always told would always have a home with her. Who she always told would always have a place in her heart, no matter what happened between mom and her. So clearly I did do something. I have no idea what. Could it really be that I asked about if I had been forgotten for a trip...? Was 15 years of raising a child completely disregarded because I was curious and confused? Again, I have no clue. I doubt I ever will. But if that is the case. If that's why specifically /I/ was cut off (because I know there was something else between mom and your mom that she literally never explained. Literally all mom and Pauline and I know is that apparently mom was "abusive" for years towards your mom, despite nobody ever seeing it, her never mentioning it before I went to Oak Grove, and her saying that she "knew it happened, but didn't know what it was"), then I doubt that your parents ever really loved me. If a simple question erases a lifetime of care and love and bonds and family, then all of those things were never really there.

It's 0737. Yeah, I still use military time. Also, I wanted to do a speech (in my speech class) on why a time system based on 10's would be better for the world. Remember? You wanted that. I couldn't remember the details, though. Anyway. It's 0738. There's 40 hours and 22 minutes until it's been two years since I've seen you.

I often wonder if you think about me. I think about you all the time. Have I faded from your memory? What am I to you now? Am I your brother, your closest confidant, your best friend, and your <>? Am I nothing? Just a faint thought, a distant memory? Or am I your worst enemy? Have your parents convicted you that I'm a horrible person? I desperately hope not. I hope you remember everything. And I hope that you realize that it's been a long time, and we both have matured a ton. Going from an edgy 10th grader who thinks dressing like a girl, screaming "GAY," and looking up undertale AU's are the coolest things ever to a college freshman who finally realized that sexuality shouldn't be a personality trait, being an edgy cunt isn't cool, and responsibilities are actually important is a big difference. I'm sure you've had some huge changes too. You're almost 18. As of today, there's 2 months and 2 days until your birthday. I've been waiting for it for so, so long. An eternity, it feels like. I'm so scared. I don't know if you hate me or not. I'm going to text you. I'm not sure on what, but something. I'll tell you happy birthday. Just so you know how to contact me in case you want to talk. I have no idea if you'll just block me right off the bat. I'm hoping so, so much that Nathanael wasn't saying you hate me.

It's 0756. There's 40 hours and 4 minutes until it's been two years since I've seen you. Error 404 means...something not found, right? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I miss you. I love you.

Please come back soon.

- E. Nikolas B.

[140503at-dawn]

Ship #1

Hey darling! I ship you with Kookie 💖

click ‘keep reading’!

Okay so you are like,,,, Jungkook’s lost twin lol??

You guys are both Virgo and as an astrology lover, I would give your guys relationship an 8 out of 10 ^^

sO AT FIRST BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT YOU ARE GORGEOUS he would be so interested to get to know you,,

‘‘omg god hyung do you see her!’’

when he gets the courage to talk to you, he would be super shy and since you said you are also shy at first meeting, it would be SO AWKWARD BUT kyUTE.

he is like;

‘‘um.. hey... do you.....maybe,,, I MEAN,,, we can talk? maybe?’’

and you are like;

‘‘oh,,, well,, yea.. sure.. that was KINDA unexpected,, lol...’’

a lot of bunny smiles

eventually, you would get used to each other

hyungs would be surprised

‘‘wow he is talkin to a girl now huh?’’

‘‘oh he even making jokes’’

he would be super happy that you guys almost have everything in common!

you guys would text every day!

sometimes at nights, your conversations can be deep and meaningful

if not it would be full on memes lol

the fact that you are both competitive can be a flaw in your relationship but I think you guys can work it out to be smth fun

when you argue he would run to his hyungs and ask for help

‘‘i think i did a bad thing but idk what help!’’

at first, he wouldn’t be able to understand the fact that you are hiding your emotions

but he can see that you are calmer and more silent than usual and ask if smth is wrong

after one or two, he can see everything from your eyes

even though you argue you would always find a way out easily ^^

while he is playing fortnite or smth you would be like;

‘‘teach me that or no cuddles for a month dude’’

i think we both know which choice he will choose lol

he would take photos of you without you knowing

and you would take his let's be honest

since you both have similar interests, you would learn smth new every day from each other.

you two are inseparable

he would send you either memes or roses when he is away and you are missing him aww 😪

he would buy you new perfumes all. the. time.

‘‘babe this smells so good! use this from now on!’’

you guys don’t have microwaves in the house bc yo man is also scared of them lol

when he is down because he thinks he wasn’t good enough at the concert

or his hyungs are unhappy

or stressed because of the upcoming album

you would be by his side and be a rock for him,,, at least he would feel that way

he could be that young kid next to you

he would dare to do pranks on you

but when you fight back with more cruel pranks he would be competitive af

bc of that members would be so done with you guys lol

you two would work out together

‘‘oh no miss you ain’t wearing those tights to the gym’’

you’d wear them anyways

he’d shoot lasers out of his eyes if anyone dared to look at you oh lord 🤦

when you be like;;

‘‘aw our kookie got jealous lmao’’

he’d be like;;

‘‘i don’t recognize that word, please try again.’’

AAAND i think you would be best friends with Tae 💖

‘‘Hey our maknae’s girlfriend u still don’t wanna be mine?’’

and jk would be like

‘‘even though u are my hyung i can still punch you’’

but you are there like

‘‘guys staaahp..... lol tae call me 🤙🤙’’

‘‘BABE!’’

he would be the biggest fan of your drawings!

‘‘Y/N did you visit the new art gallery downtown?!’’

you, jk and tae would play video games together,,, even though you are just learning

while they are on tour, jk and you skyping, he would barge in the room just to say

‘‘oh its Y/N... HI !!!! OMG GUYS DON’T DO SMTH DIRTY ily bye’’

he would always make fun of your laugh

oh! while all of the boys and you watch horror movies, you and jk would laugh at the movie and would tae be like

‘‘are you guys into some demonic shit bc im pissing myself here while you’re laughin..’’

he would listen to your concerns and try to help you out

basically, he would support you in every way possible!

I hope you enjoyed baby ^^

[honeymintki]

 🌙👽🌌 can i get some uh information [cue x-files theme] 🔭🛸✨

i was tagged by @ukiqyun-93 for an about me tag and @ilovemxwithallmyheart for the 20 questions tag so i threw them all together under one big ol info post about myself hello get to know me the Fool woo t woot

about me tag:

1st rule: tag 9 people you want to get to know better (I’ll do it at the end)

2nd rule: BOLD the statements that are true. 

APPEARANCE: 

I am 5′7 or taller

I wear glasses (and contacts)

I have at least one tattoo 

I have at least one piercing

I have blonde hair 

I have brown eyes 

I have short hair 

My abs are at least somewhat defined 

I have or had braces

PERSONALITY:

I love meeting new people (in theory)

People tell me I am funny 

Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine (no but it kinda is my job :/)

I enjoy physical challenges 

I enjoy mental challenges (only about things I’m passionate about)

I am playfully rude to people I know 

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it (probably)

There is something I would change about my personality 

ABILITY: 

I can sing well (enough)

I can play an instrument 

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping 

I am a fast runner 

I can draw well (enough)

I have a good memory (but only for useless things)

I am good at doing math in my head 

I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute 

I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling (probably when I was a kid asserting dominance over all the boys in my life but does that count)

I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch 

I know how to throw a proper punch 

HOBBIES: 

I enjoy sports 

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else 

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else (okay not right now but I was in multiple ensembles at any given point in time for 10 years so I’m gonna bold it fight me)

I have learned a new song in the past week 

I exercise at least once a week

I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months 

I have drawn something in the past month 

I enjoy writing 

Fandoms are my #1 priority 

I do some form of martial arts (I wish people didn’t suck and I stuck with it)

EXPERIENCES: 

I have had my first kiss 

I have had alcohol 

I have scored a winning point in a sport (on accident)

I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting 

I have been at an overnight event 

I have been in a taxi 

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year 

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country (i was born in korea but i haven’t been back in 17 years so eh)

I have been to one of my favorite bands’ concerts 

MY LIFE: 

I have one person that I consider to be my best friend 

I live close to my school/work 

My parents are still together 

I have at least one sibling 

I live in the United States 

There is snow where I live right now 

I have hung out with a friend in the past month 

I have a smart phone 

I own at least 15 CDs 

I share my room with someone 

RELATIONSHIPS: 

I am in a relationship 

I have a crush on a celebrity 

I have a crush on someone I know 

I’ve been in at least 3 relationships 

I have never been in a relationship (but there was this 4 day thing that. kinda? was? something? but it feels like a fever dream)

I have admitted my feelings to a crush (the one time I had one in high school rip) 

I get crushes easily 

I have a crush for over a year 

I have been in a relationship for over a year 

I have had feelings for a friend 

RANDOM: 

I have break-danced 

I know a person named Jaimie 

I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce 

I have dyed my hair 

I’m listening to a song on repeat right now (lost! in! the! dream!)

I have punched someone in the past week 

I know someone who has gone to jail (not well at all but he murdered someone)

I have broken a bone (and then I fixed it on my own)

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do in life (I wish)

I speak at least two languages

I have made a new friend in the past year

and the 20 questions tag:

Rules: answer the twenty questions and tag twenty people you want to get to know better!

Name: allison

Nickname(s): al (only my staff uses it), alli (I only use it online)

Height: 162

Orientation: scalie >:-)

Nationality: korean

Favorite Season: autumn but a bitch loves all of them

Favorite Flower: lilac and honeysuckle

Favorite Scent: honeysuckle ! ! ! and the scent of seasons changing 

Favorite Color: ?

Favorite Color of Pen Ink: dark blue

Favorite Animal: dogs, foxes, hawks, literally all of them,

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate: tea

Average Hours of Sleep: I don’t fuckin know

Dog or Cat Person: pup!!

Favorite Fictional Character: I was gonna say Grim Hairy-Cheeks from one of the iceland sagas but I think he was a real person so hm. jiji from kiki’s delivery service bc I wanna watch it again (if anyone wants to rabbit and watch ghibli movies w me hmu)

Number of Blankets You Sleep with: 1 or 2

Dream Trip: Iceland! or Italy!

Blog Created: dec 2017 I think

Number of Followers: 🐟

Fun Fact: fall out boy once posted my art on their instagram page and to this day it’s probably my greatest accomplishment

i tag @milkihyungwon @changkyun-lim @babeminhyuk @if-on1y @mxrays @hyungwon @hackerkyun @kihyuns @kibean @kihwii @shwhyuk @jooheonies @nottechae @changkyunsprincess @changhyuk @jealousymv @kiihyun @kimnatozaki @jealousymp3 @sakurachae @akaminhyuk (wow i didn’t know i knew 20 people) to do both or either or neither

[mochi-peaches]

✨ this tag was started by the lovely @byunrelatable thank you for tagging me! ✨

hmm... i don’t even know where to begin really!!! i guess my hobbies are ~probably reading, some writing, photography [which is also what i study! and i’ll put some photos i’ve taken under a read more], video games, drawing/art in general, and learning languages!

i guess my ‘talent’ is also technically photography too... i don’t think i’m that good ;-; [i also discovered i can fit the majority of my fist in my mouth??? idk if that’s a talent though...]... personally i don’t see myself as talented at anything...

when i was younger i used to be into sports like swimming [i was pretty good!!!], football [i played for my junior school’s girls team as a goalie], tennis, rounders [i also played for my school sometimes]... but now the mere mention of sport makes me wanna choke?

languages... i took french for 3 yrs in school and spanish for 4 yrs [because i did it for gcse] and i’m trying to sort of ‘re-learn’ what i learnt there... it’s been a while oops? and then i’ve been (trying and failing) to teach myself korean... that’s a journey. i’m also trying to learn mandarin [i went to shanghai for a summer school last year but i got sick and missed so many classes :(]. i want to try and be fluent in at least 2 other languages tbh  

reading and writing is something i’ve always done, but lately i haven’t really had much time for it because of uni and other things :(

video games... i mostly play pokemon, my absolute favourite thing the formula is essentially the same in every main plot game BUT I DON’T CARE I LOVE IT. i’ve grown up with it and i still love it to this day!!!! wow

art and drawing is another thing i’ve always enjoyed doing and i want to get better at it, but i’m an absolute perfectionist and get super frustrated... so i have to work on that!

i’ll put some of my photo’s and talk more about photography under a read more so this post doesn’t get too long!!! i hope you enjoy my photographs and reading this if you’ve chosen to do so! ☺️💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

okay!!!! photography... well, i took it as an a level in college [way back in 2012... god] and i really enjoyed doing it and it was the highest grade i got out of my 3 a levels [the other two being media studies and geography... i wanted to do something like graphics/art/classics or smth else but my college had these weird restrictions on subjects??? and i was originally taking combined english lit/lang but ended up dropping it 2 months into a levels bc my teacher was AWFUL] 

i didn’t really know what i wanted to do at university... and my parents were SUPER against me even doing a levels :/ but my college were super strict and you had to apply for university otherwise you would get suspended or something stupid... so i applied for uni’s for photography/media studies as those were my best subjects, and i ended up staying at my college to do a 2 year foundation degree in photography!

then for the 3rd and final year, i had the choice of staying there or going to my current university. i decided to defer a year and go into the second year of their photography undergraduate so i could do an extra year of study, because i was in no way ready for the third year and i wanted to do this exchange programme... i eventually couldn’t because my university fucked up :) [i got accepted to attend ewha in seoul which was a HUGE honour for me but i couldn’t go thanks to my uni being butts!!!!! anyway i went to a summer school they ran in shanghai instead for a month that was still cool]

people tend to view photography more as a hobby i guess? in a way it is but... for me it’s more than that? it’s SUCH an interesting subject, it encompasses every other subject you can imagine and you have so much room for creativity and one thing i really like to do is the research and coming up with ideas [although my brain and hands often don’t cooperate so i can’t make my ideas reality smh]. also like you have to have talent and eye for it to be classified as being ‘good’ at it... it’s kinda shitty but i’ve gotten used to that these past 6 yrs. i’m really hoping that my final project, the one i’m doing now, will get noticed and i’ll hopefully get some work at my upcoming graduate exhibitions!!!!

okay now i’ll talk briefly about my kind of practise in photography and this final assignment that i’ve been doing!!!!

i mostly practise landscape photography, and in that i kinda include some documentary, architecture, street photography... i have done some portraits and fashion but uhhhh social anxiety and general anxiety prevent me from working with people :/

i’ve done a bunch of assignments over the years but i think this one is definitely one of my absolute favourites!!!! i’m kinda... like looking at mythical creatures and seeing where there’s crossovers in different mythologies and cultures, like there’s examples of dragons and mermaids in stories and legends WORLDWIDE... LIKE HOW COOL IS THAT YOU CAN MENTION THE CONCEPT OF A DRAGON TO ANYONE AND EVEN THOUGH THE INTERPRETATION OF IT MIGHT DIFFER IT’S STILL THE SAME CONCEPT!!!! so what i’m doing is looking at different texts both fictional and non-fictional and those are meant to be mostly in my research which i’m very behind on :)))) anyway. and i’m photographing landscapes looking at them through this sort of scientific scope as ‘habitats’ for those creatures? and the thing is i’m restricted to a limited area in terms of landscape so one of my challenges is making those photographs look very ambiguous? as if i could of taken them in the actual places i’m supposedly photographing as opposed to photographs i’ve taken in this one small area of england!!!!! it’s super cool and really interesting and i would LIKE to maybe make a book - like a bestiary sort of thing of darwin’s origin of species but for mythical creatures that also encompasses all these ‘collective mythologies’ and understandings!!!! this probably sounds super weird and pretentious wdijvnejvbfj but yes i’m really excited about it so now imma shut up and show you some photos!!!! some have text some don’t i’m still taking photographs hehe

i do have more... those are some of my faves for now osdjnjkfnck but here’s some other examples! these i took in china :D

okay that’s china..... these are some graphics and things i’m working on for a portfolio i need to put together and some other things!

those are works in progress tbh but... yeah!!! i hope you guys enjoy my terrible work sdjfiejfc 

[crowned-ladybug]

Sunshine Spots

I didn’t get to work on requests today (probably for the better bc my current condition is no good for writing), so I just wrote this re: ideas me and @sunkistjello have been talking about. I missed these two

Characters: Bing, Chase

Word count: 2k

Warnings: bit of self-hate/self-esteem issues. Bingaverage.

"Dude, you know what I just noticed, like...yesterday?"

"No, what?" Chase shoots back without looking away from the screen. He's busy editing, but Bing knows he's not being a bother by hanging out with him while he does. While Chase is still very unsure about ever making videos again, he likes helping Seán out with editing every once in a while.

Bing spins around in his chair one last time (he's absolutely the reason Chase has two and not only one spinny chair in his office) before pushing himself closer to Chase. "My skin is all clear and stuff. Like, there aren't even birthmarks or anything, not a single one!"

"That is because," Chase rolls his eyes fondly, nudging away the hand Bing had stuck out a little too close to his face. "you're very lucky. Also because you're an android."

Bing sighs and stares at his hand. He hates being artificial. But then something else clicks for him and he looks at Chase again. "What do you mean I'm lucky?"

"Because you don't have a bunch of ugly blotches on your skin?" Chase finally looks at him, raising an eyebrow like he’s just stated the obvious. "I don't know dude, I think that's pretty lucky."

Bing shakes his head and stares at his boyfriend for another moment, but Chase ignores it and goes back to editing. Chase is, simply said, pretty much covered in freckles and he hates them with a passion. He finds them ugly and ridiculous, and he never listens when Bing tells him he thinks they're wonderful.

"Chase..."

"No, there's no need for that," Chase shakes his head. Bing is giving him that sad, gentle look again, he knows without having to look, and he doesn't know how to deal. "My stupid blotches aren't the topic right now."

"But I think they're really pretty," he scoots a little closer, as close as his chair will let him go without knocking over Chase's. "You are really pretty."

Chase laughs fondly and shakes his head again. He decides to abandon his work for a moment and grant Bing his full attention. "You're sweet, but-"

"But you still hate them, I know," oh how he wishes that wasn't the case. He just wants Chase to love himself like he deserves to. "But I'll keep saying you're pretty until you actually believe me, man. You know I don't give up easily."

"More like you're a stubborn bastard, but yeah, I know," Chase smiles with just a little cheekiness to it, but then he adjusts his posture and it's gone again. "Thank you though. I might not believe it, but...it still means a lot, you know."

"Of course I know," he leans in closer and presses a small kiss to Chase's lips. At least that successfully makes him smile again. "And I think you're beautiful like this, but if there was a way I'd totally take them from you. Because I wanna have at least some spots and stuff and you don't, so...win, win?"

Chase laughs, loud and genuine, and Bing is proud as ever to have accomplished that. He also really wants to kiss him again, because he really is beautiful.

"Get yourself a marker or something," Chase jokes, and chuckles at the idea. "Draw yourself ugly spots if you want them so much."

"You know what?" Bing hums and Chase gives him a warning look. The marker was in no way an actually serious idea. "I think I might just do that. Except I'll draw myself pretty spots instead, like yours."

"Stop being so sweet, I don't know how to handle it," laughing again, Chase throws his head back and stares at the ceiling in defeat, trying to be as dramatic as possible. As long as he can keep the conversation away from his self-esteem issues by cracking jokes, he's going to be fine.

"Never!" Bing exclaims, leaning in closer and making Chase laugh again. He always gets so giddy when Bing pokes him enough. Bing waits until he stops laughing, then pulls him into a proper kiss. "As long as it keeps making you happy, I won't stop calling you pretty," he hums after he pulls away.

"I hate you," Chase mumbles, but the laugh in his voice says otherwise. "You're not even trying, are you?"

"Not really," Bing shrugs, and grins widely when Chase presses their noses together. To be honest, if he did try he would end up a stuttering mess instead. "I guess I'm just this good."

"Wow, way to ruin it," Chase rolls his eyes teasingly. "Go get yourself a damn marker or something. Shoo."

Bing does just that, though not immediately, because bothering (read: joking around with and kissing) Chase is still higher on his list of priorities. But eventually he gets his hands on a brown permanent marker. It's not perfect, but it should work, and hopefully it will actually be permanent on his skin too. But even if it isn't, he'd love to have freckles and whatnot even for just a day.

"Dude!" he cheers excitedly as he stumbles into the living room in search of Chase two days after the conversation in the office.

Chase is sitting on the couch in the company of his phone and an empty mug, and he looks up at Bing with a small smile. He puts both the mug and his phone down and is about to greet him, ask him what's got him so excited, when the words get caught in his throat.

Bing is standing in front of him in his favourite tank top, grinning like crazy and covered in freckles. His face, his shoulders, and the full length of his arms is covered in a myriad of tiny, brown dots that melt together into bigger patches, not unlike how they look on Chase's own skin. They look completely natural, like they've always been there, and they look absolutely amazing.

"What do you think?" Bing is still smiling like his new freckles are the greatest thing in the world, and maybe to him they really are right now.

Chase is still speechless, but he takes a breath and tries to get ahold of his voice. The first two words that come to his mind are "holy shit", but he doesn’t say them. When he finally speaks, his voice is full of joy and adoration.

"You look adorable!"

Bing's eyes widen and he covers his mouth like he's just been told the best news. "Really? I do?"

"Hell yeah you do," Chase can't stop grinning himself. He scoots back on the couch a little and motions for Bing to sit down next to him. "Holy shit, you look amazing."

Bing is generally a very happy person, but Chase isn't sure when the last time he's seen him this happy had been. It's the sort of overwhelming happiness that fills you with energy and makes you feel like you could run a marathon and not get tired, and it's the happiness Bing feels every time Chase tells him that he's the farthest from a robot he can get or when he gets to do something that's very, very human.

Slowly, Chase pulls Bing closer to himself and takes his face into his hands. He runs his thumbs over the freckles, carefully at first, his touch barely there. The paint doesn't smudge under his hand, and even from up close they look so real. He wonders if it's not actually markers, but he doesn't care to ask right now. He just sits and marvels in how perfect and amazing Bing looks with his new freckles.

"You're so pretty," he breathes without thinking, and Bing grins in response, because he's usually the one saying that to Chase about his freckles, and now it's the other way around.

"I tried to mimic your freckles," Bing starts proudly, and his eyes shine bright with his joy. Sometimes Chase wonders if it's just because of their light colour, or if they're actually glowing, but he's yet to test it. "I think it worked."

"I...I don't know how much they're like mine, but...gosh, you look adorable," he runs his thumb over Bing's cheek again and he presses into his touch a little. "I think I'm gonna be staring at you non-stop for the next two days or however long these will last, because I can't get enough of how pretty you look."

Bing doesn't exactly know how to respond to that, all he knows is that he's really, really happy. He leans forward more and captures Chase lips in a short kiss, just enough so that it's there.

"You do realise I used you as an example, right? So if you think my freckles are so amazing, then that means yours are too. Even more so probably, because I'm not a good artist," Bing laughs. Though he originally just really wanted something on his skin because that's a human thing, and because Chase's freckles are gorgeous, he also really hoped he could end up showing Chase just how lovely his freckles really look, even if on Bing's skin and not on his.

"No, shut up," Chase shakes his head, but he can't help but smile. He knows he's blushing, he blushes way too easily. He laughs a little when Bing listens and doesn't say anything and kisses his nose instead. "How long are they going to last? Is it even markers? It doesn’t look like it."

"Not sure," Bing hums and leans back a little. Chase pulls his hands back as he watches Bing tuck one of his legs under himself and get more comfortable. "It's paint I got from the Googles, not sure why they even have stuff like this. But it's not permanent."

Chase nods. He's not sure if he's glad or not. He already loves the way Bing looks with freckles way too much, he’s gorgeous and he just can’t get enough of him. But he also wouldn't want him to just permanently stain his skin on a whim. He looks amazing, sure, but Chase would be worried Bing would wind up hating the freckles eventually, and he knows all too well how that feels. He wouldn't want Bing to ever experience that.

"I'll wait until they come off completely, but so far I really like having them," Bing looks one of his arms over as he talks, then looks back to Chase with a wide smile. "Oliver said they could give me permanent freckles that don't come off. Well, maybe they could still get them off later if I wanted them to because, you know, all the augmentation they know how to do, but they wouldn't fade or anything."

Chase doesn't want to say that he wishes his were like that too, just gone when he wanted them to because hell does he want them gone, but he doesn't want to burst Bing's bubble by being all angsty again. So instead he smiles. "That's cool! Permanent or not, I'm really glad you like having them."

Too bad Bing reads between the lines (Chase's ones at least) so well. But he lets it slide for now, knowing he will surely come back to it later. He'll do as he had said – he won't stop telling Chase how pretty he is as long as it will make him happy. But for now he wants to celebrate his own freckles.

"I love them! Dude, I look so pretty now!" Bing beams again, because his excitement is still very much present and bubbling. He stares at his own arms again, grin wide as ever, because he just can't get used to how great those dots look on him. He only looks up when he hears Chase laugh fondly at him.

"Yeah, you really do."

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 6- “No matter what I throw to the wall, it won’t erase whatever writing is currently there”-Nick

SOMEHOW. .. I escaped rocks!  and the whole hufflepuff alliance did too!  I'm really sad about Jess going because I ADORE her but...  ugh. Part of me is very glad that Owen is still in the game because I feel like maybe I can salvage my relationship I had with him and we can sneakily work together without the rest of my alliance getting wind of it.  I just hope that hufflepuff doesn't have to worry about going to tribal again anytime until the merge.  That was... WOW. 

I have crazy news all you cool cat and kittens! https://media.giphy.com/media/RGixkYkOKdWATSReHt/giphy.gif 

 Tribal happened and instead of it being between me and Max as I had anticipated the Hufflepuffs voted for Owen. That's... a twist!! Anyway, since they are a bunch of phonies who lie I stuck my vote against Max and everyone else stuck with theirs letting rocks decide

 https://media1.tenor.com/images/422ca011d526025e11c9eaf90a3edf59/tenor.gif?itemid=11361132 

. 

.

 .

This is kinda funny since we were joking about letting fate decide the vote prior to the crazy round. Also, I think Jess scored the lowest on the immunity challenge so it's like we voted off our weak link even though she didn't even do that much worse and it's a terrible way to look at things since she was such a good ally. Anyway, hoping immunity is something that we can win so that we don't suffer another tribal council because I'm pretty confident that they won't take a swing at Owen again just yet.

I LOVE how my business is getting spread from person to person LOL.  This is like the game of telephone that just keeps going.  I WAS MAD AT OWEN FOR TELLING PEOPLE I WAS IN AN ALLIANCE!  WHICH I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HIM ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE.  somehow it has now gotten turned to me telling owen how i felt about max LOL.  Yes, I did tell Owen that i usually just talk to max in the OG Hufflepuff chat but NO THAT DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO KEEP OUTING MY ALLIANCE TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD now chips is wanting tea and i gave him some but i'm trying to without admitting the hufflepuff alliance chat that everyone already knows about now anyway.  WHY IS MY DRAMA THE CENTER OF ATTENTION ON THIS TRIBE CAN'T  SOMEONE ELSE RUN THEIR MOUTH NOW SO PEOPLE CAN TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO SOMEONE NEW??? but okay I think Owen and I are good now but I still trust Lily above EVERYONE else in this game. 

Hm... so Landen told me that he was planning on giving more information before the revote and the rock draw.. but unfortunately he wasn't there to share. I find out that Owen already communicated to him that Max and myself are the expendable bottom two of our tribe and that just kinda... syncs up with what I said earlier about Owen. Here I was thinking we had turned over a leaf. I'm going to give him another chance with me. And not judge him based on what somebody else said (and could have been lying about) that he said. But if the shoe fits. https://media1.tenor.com/images/a19f8b641e24d8c212ba0b3913af45ca/tenor.gif?itemid=11553933

THIS IS MY CONFESSIONAL FOR LAST ROUND DONT GIVE ME A STRIKE PLZZZZZ ok really quickly basically the last vote was on raffy bc he tried to get the vote on jacob or jules (not me thank goodness) and he blew up his own game, i have 3 alliances one with joanna nick and jacob and one with joanna dan and jules and then my core alliance with jules and jacob, raffy was kinda the outlier for my own game because i had an alliance with everyone else and then i clicked well with autumn so i wanted it to be raffy and it kinda just came up that way organically and he did himself no favors. I kinda pitched to autumn how after this we're the sole people from our og tribes and we should stick together because if we lose again i kinda wanna vote out dan bc he has an idol and an undisclosed advantage ON TOP OF THAT so he is really dangerous and he thinks jules trusts him but me and jules are each others number 1s (i hope at least) and they are telling me everything, in a perfect world me jules jacob and autumn vote dan if we lose to avoid nick slipping anything and joanna from having an emotional time with it since she struggled with just voting dan out, its a big move but i think it needs to happen, it's also the best cast for me personally bc i have the weakest individual connection to dan whereas with joanna and autumn i feel really strongly with and like i can work with them, nick is also there but he doesnt pose much of a threat and i think with jacob still being in the game he will trust me or jacob the most and we can use that as a number. Anyways we ended up winning this challenge anyways so it didnt matter but heres to hoping we win again bc while i would be ok with dan going if we can win immunity thats priority, so heres to hoping we can do that

3 minutes later

OK THIS IS MY CONFESSIONAL FOR THIS ROUND RIP JESS !!!!!!!!!! I AM SO SAD JESS IS GONE I LOVE HER WITH MY ENTIRE BEING SHE IS SO FUN AND SO GOOD AND I WANTED TO PLAY WITH HER BUT SURVIVOR GODS SAID NOPE I AM REALLY SAD. i am so sad. but the game moves on, with jess leaving nick really has no one besides me and jacob and maybe joanna? but she is more loyal to her og ravenclaws, so im hoping he sticks to my side, autumn and i are clicking well but shes just likable so shes clicking with everyone, i hope we can get closer in the game as well bc i wanna work with her, dan scares me alot, if we lose again i might try to blindside him with jules but idk, its all up in the air, challenge is music videos, im not particularly fond of this challenge or any judgement based challenge for that matter but i am rolling with it, it's usually fun i guess, but im awkward so eek, idk my tribe doesn't seem like the type to stand out in a music video but maybe they will all surprise me and turn it out, heres to hoping that happens! ok bye for now!

I’m probably being super sensitive rn but I really don’t like Joanna. Like at all. If it’s not her idea, she doesn’t want to do it. Like she’s so demanding and annoying and I feel like it’s probably just the game getting to her but I really don’t like it

So after my last confessional, what happened was I went to Ruthie to double check whether the information I was getting was true and she did want to vote for Max. i made sure to cover my bases discussing this with Lily and also telling Ruthie I'm totally down to vote Max if she is, i want to make myself as trustworthy as possible to her and start working with her more down the line, it's key moments like these where establishing trust is VITAL! with her being pissed that owen spread the information and wanting to vote hufflepuff strong though, it was the perfect time for us to try to make a move on owen. I was really confident I could flip Juls and Chips on the revote, and the truth is if I hadn't NAPPED THROUGH TRIBAL.. LMAO... I most likely could have. But it all worked out in the end since we deadlocked and Jess went home in the rocks. I love Jess and was really excited to work with her, but it's very obvious I wasn't a priority to her, and her going home leaves 4 Hufflepuffs on this tribe, so I'm okay with the results. I did my best afterward and will continue to work hard on damage control with Owen, Juls, and Chips. I went from perhaps one of the upcoming boots to a higher up social center on this tribe and I'm hoping that goes mostly unnoticed? But who knows. That's why we gotta win this challenge! Speaking of, it's a music video challenge! Yay I'm so happy I got to do one of these sooner rather than later :D I've had a blast coordinating the challenge with Lily. We work really well together and I feel it extends to challenges, but also our casual conversation, and just the fact that we get along so well, she is pretty much my tightest person in the game right now and I think that we can do a lot of damage as a long term duo (especially with an alliance with Ruthie, Max as an additional number to that, and us being Positioned in the middle tier of the Huffs.) I'm well aware how likable Lily is though so I'll keep that in mind before I promise ride or die loyalty forever, but for right now I'm very happy working with her. I'm STILL not going to look for any spells, sorry bout it. but yyyeaah... Overall I'm pretty satisfied with the MarshmallowMoves I've been making and im looking forward to what happens next in this crazy game.

Our music video is........ gonna lose lmao. It’s no shade at Joanna bc fuck editing. But it’s soooooooooooooo boring. I feel like the judges will watch like 30 seconds and fall asleep. It’s a cute song choice and everything, but it’s also....... so bland. The Harry Potter puppet pals would have been so good and I stand by it. 

I'm literally SO HAPPY!!! Hufflepuff won a creative challenge that I did a lot of work directing on (HUGE props to Lily who I love and was amazing to work with on this), and some of my ideas got mentioned in the comments as good things!! I'm honestly just ecstatic about the way this whole challenge went down, it was so much fun. Juls did an amazing job editing, the filming everyone else did was fantastic, I'm just in love with this tribe and I'm so happy with the music video we did. Not only that, but I wasn't feeling too hot about tribal council. It's not that I thought I'd be going home, but I thought the vote would be very difficult. It most likely would have had to fall on Chips or Owen - if it had been Chips, that would be really tough and could even result in some spell plays being cast against us, with the vote being probably 4-3 since Juls/Chips are close. If it had been OWEN though, Juls and Chips maybe would've voted with us, but Ruthie probably would've not wanted to go for him now that they've had a chance to talk it out since she admitted to their old Final 2. Luckily Ruthie and I were able to now agree on an official alliance between us and Ruthie, so it looks like we've got a lot to do together and I'm excited to see what the future holds. I've been trying to damage control a bit with Chips and Owen, I'm not sure how well it's working. Owen is a very naturally social person and I feel that he is quite good at deceiving his true feelings and emotions, either that or he is very rational and calm about the game, not upset he VERY nearly got blindsided - either way, he's super dangerous and I can't just trust that we had a nice conversation one time, it'd be dumb of me. I'm feeling positive about where I stand with this tribe right now though, I don't think anyone would be able to get a strong majority to target me because I really don't think Juls, Max, Ruthie, or Lily would want to vote me out. At least I sure hope not! No, but, a lot of times with creative challenges in these games I struggle because I am pursuing creative passions in real life, so even though it's just a few judges, it can feel defeating when you get judged bad and harsh critique. I take those criticisms into account but it can still make you feel a little self conscious at times. Winning this challenge was a huge boost and just something that made me feel good, not to mention the fun times I had doing it with everyone on the team. Overall - a GOOD DAY! One could even say.. "A sunny day!" (one of my lines in the music video DUH) Hopefully Kev doesn't go out, curious to see where this game goes next. Adios~

So thankful that we won! Although I feel like I need to deal with the madness that was the last tribal but if I’m being honest I’m just not ready. Last tribal was so beyond crazy but I know that’s part of the reason why I play. I didn’t play this game to play it safe. I’d rather mess my game up trying to make a move then sitting in the sand and letting others dictate what happens on a vote. Although in the end...rocks made the call. I really miss Jess and her company on the tribe. It sucks when someone leaves that you get along well with and I could see the potential of us working together in the future. Jess is a strong player and made it through so much already in this season. Seeing her go def has a huge impact on the rest of the game that’s for sure. I appreciate how Jess stuck to her guns too which I completely understand. With her going it shows me that I really need to prove myself and continue to be as bold as I can be without getting caught that is. I haven’t talked to Owen since we tried voting him out. He knows what happened. I know what happened. It’s awkward but I’m glad that we could all still have fun with the music video challenge. Landen and I did a lot of the planning and Juls did the editing. And everyone put in their input on ideas and sending in quality magic videos. I’m glad we turned out with something cute and fun. I wanted to suggest a tiger king song in Jess’s honor but wasn’t sure if the judges would appreciate it in the same way. Wondering what’s going to happen in this game. Ruthie and I have been working together in the castle to find an idol. So far no luck and I assume at this point in the game anything and everything would have been found by now. But who knows. We shouldn’t give up that’s for sure. Even though last tribal was incredibly difficult and hard and I’m not sure if I even handled it the best way I could, I’m still having fun playing this game and glad to be here. Hoping merge is around the corner even though I’m not ready for the craziness that comes with it. 

Y’all this vote is stupid af haha. THE LADIES ARE FIGHTING! And by ladies I mean Autumn and Nick. They both want each other dead, and Joanna wants Jacob dead lmao. Me and Kevin are legit sitting here like 🥴

last round.. mess. this round.. thank god we won LMAOOO. i honestly don’t know what all to say because i’m starting to question where everyone stands with me, BUT. i think i’ll be fine.. hopefully. unless people keep lying to me, that’s when i’m como se dice.. fucked <3 

okay lemme scream in my dr real quick....jacob's ass DIDNT DO SHIT IN THE CHALLENGE BC HES IN 7 FUCKING ORGS BUT IF I VOTE HIM OUT AGAIN I HURT HIS FEELINGS??? he's also a loyal ally to me (at least, loyal enough) but he wants to keep NICK in who?? literally is gunning for me?? dude you put urself in this position not doing the challenge and it makes me so angry that i have to cover for him and cover his ass!! when he didnt do shit!! and i honestly think he's !!!! good enough to vote out at this point!!! especially bc mister dan thinks i know jacob IN REAL LIFE??? IM SICK IM SICK IM SICK IM SICK !!!!!!!! JACOB SHOULD'VE TRIED IN THE CHALLENGE!!! HE GOT HIMSELF INTO THIS MESS!!!

Good news! I mean,  it's kind of good news. We had a music video challenge and we picked a fun song. We did Magic by Selena Gomez sung for The Wizards of Waverly Place movie! So that was a lot of fun... and I suggested to our tribe we have some sort of "story" and aren't just lip syncing because I have had too many lost lip syncs where we lost because of no story being evident. So we did a "getting into Hogwarts" and being Hufflepuffs and it was cute! And fun!! I'm pretty sure if we lost I would be the vote off since they think Owen has an idol so they would vote me out since Landen has a close relationship to Juls and so I'm the next most obvious choice. Anyway! Our story carried us to the win!!! I believe this might be the first time across all ORGs that I've won a lip sync comp. That might be a lie, but I have a pretty bad track record.

ooooooh if this tribe don't make a damn DECISION! https://media.tenor.com/images/4ff794852927c7441b26618a705b340f/tenor.gif The vote has been me, Jules, Jacob, Nicholas, God, Trump- you name it. Particularly because Nicholas refuses to just sit down and eat his food. Like everyone was just gonna vote Jacob and then Nicholas had to start throwing names out, starting with me of course, so I've literally been whipping the vote all day. And just when I got a majority on Nicholas, now he's making a group chat with Joanna, Dan, and Kevin (aka all the white people lmao) to inform them that he's now ready to vote Jacob??? 

 https://giphy.com/gifs/bad-girls-club-bgc-rocky-8Cprh3gaXGGQw 

 Where was that energy at like 2:00? And why am I always saying that about Slytherin? They're nocturnal I swear to God and they don't give a fuck until the sun goes down because otherwise make it make sense. Why take us all through changes for 5 hours if you're actually down to vote your brother out? Like we have lives- make a decision and stick to it. And then all that back and forth is just showing your ass?? So now EVERYONE knows who you want out and just how indecisive you are. And tbh sending him out would do him a favor because how are you gonna come back from exposing your entire hand. I honestly want us to go back to tribal after this just so I get another shot at him before merge. Cause if he mobs up with Hufflepuff at merge it's a wrap for me. But! today we learned who's really with who and that shit is KEY: Jacob and Joanna got beef, Nick apparently has beef with me and Jules, Nick has Joanna and thinks he has Dan but doesn't, Kevin and I are solid, Dan and I are officially made a deal, and I think Jules thinks Ravenclaw is solid buuuut that ain't true lmao. But like it's fine Basically all's well that ends well, a Slytherin boy will go home and I have no clue which but I don't care at this point because enough is enough, and I'm going back to watching How to Get Away with Murder. So call me when y'all ready for me to vote https://66.media.tumblr.com/a6fc82d986adfcc112785f209fe163bd/tumblr_inline_ngmjfrxq071sggcf2.gif

WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS JOANNA IS RIGHT!!!!! SHE'S RIGHT!!!!! 

Long story short, I hate everyone here. Everyone is running around acting a fool about who to vote and frankly i don't even care who goes. my worry is that joanna knows about my steal a vote and I don't want her to fucking leak that shit around if I vote out nick, but at the same time I don't trust jacob because he's legit never online!! maybe i'll just tell joanna right before the vote that kevin told me he was voting nick so I flipped??? i'm so stressed. 

okay. im fine now. ITS FINE!!!! I LOVE YOU JACOB !!!! IF UR READING THIS I LOVE U BITCH!!!! AINT NEVER GONNA STOP LOVIN U BITCH!!!!! EVEN WHEN U MAKE GAMES HARD!!!!!!!

This round has been a whirlwind. I feel I’m losing the morals I entered the game with, because I’m possibly having to sacrifice my final slytherin teammate to stay in the game. I thought I had a grasp on this tribe, but I genuinely feel so lost. It’s exhausting, and I’ve been fighting back tears of exhaustion and defeat the entire day. I trust Joanna and Kevin with all my heart, but I secretly fear Joanna is just pocketing me as a number. Personally, I think we are great friends, but gameplay-wise, I do think she’s trying to gain me as a workable number. More power to her. I did not even suggest Autumn, I merely asked if that’s who is being considered since she’s one of the people, to my limited knowledge, that was outside the brewing majority alliance. I suppose it was leaked to her, meaning that I got blamed for a crime I did not commit. I tried fixing it with Autumn and Jules, but I’m unsure of my success. I believe Jacob will leave tonight, but I fear it’s my time. I’ve tried so hard, I just hate it. I applied to this game as a Ravenclaw, but I was placed on Slytherin. I’ve went to every tribal but one, but the one I did not go to resulted in one of my two allies leaving. Speaking of that, I’m thankful that Jess and I worked things out, genuinely. I just want to stay and fight, but I feel the spotlight is fading. No one is receptive, and no matter what I throw to the wall, it won’t erase whatever writing is currently there. ~ nick.

THIS IS AN AUTUMN APPRECIATION POST. I REPEAT. THIS IS AN AUTUMN APPRECIATION POST. PLS KNOW I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! POINT BLANK PERIOD!!!

Me almost forgetting to make one of these! I LOVE that we won another challenge and I really feel like something is about to happen to shake up the game, maybe a swap and one person is isolated for a bit or... merge? Okay sending this in before it’s late and I get a strike hehe. 

https://youtu.be/8omy0AqZ5cc

[kattplayschoices]

Super 15 tag meme or something sorry Im on mobile and the app is hell itself

Got tagged byy @kaitloyalist @superpotato824 Yall are awesome keep living sorry im so late 🙏 Rule: Tag 15 people at the end of this challenge. naaah boy f the police I do what I want 👮🚨 5 things you'll find in my bag: I don't like handbags, but I do use a backpack so here's what's in that 1) school books, even durring the hollidays incase I have some spare time while I'm out! 2) my two art books, I go everywhere without them. they're super important to me. 3) two pencil cases, one's full of colouring pencils and one had pens, highlighters, that sort of thing. 4) drink bottle. stay hydrated kids 😂 5) a change of clothes. just in case, they're useful. 5 things you'll find in my room: my rooms super boring yall 1) messy ass floor because im a lazy nerd 2) bedside bookshelf, its got Harry Potter and the Hunger Games and All The Bright Places, hmu if you wanna talk about any of those. 3) on top of the bookshelf is a lamp, and on the lamp is a hufflepuff colours snapback hat and a flowercrown. the crown is from when my sister and I went as elves for spirit days. she was super cute. The shelf also has an alarm clock, a deodorant bottle, a drink bottle, 3 highlighters, about 6 dollars of change, and a book pertaining the rules of the road. 4) my desk, the inside shelf has a bunch of school books I didn't need to buy, thanks school, and my old journal + maths book. on top is an a3 book of paper with a bunch of paint smudges on it. I've been working with black and white but its not really going the way I want, so I might try to convince the teacher to let my ink and pencil my drawings for my art board. on top of that pad is a drawing of Raven Reyes, who owns me, love that poor kid, but it's probably the best drawing I've ever done. under both of those, I've been writing song lyrics onto my desk. Imo I love it. you can kind of tell how i was feeling durring each set. 5) in my cupboard there is a computer. I hate that computer. basically the story is that I asked my parents for a laptop and they brought me a desktop, which annoyingly took up all of the desk room. it was okay though, at least they still listened. but then, the pc stopped sending video to the screen. it has a hdmi only cable so we couldnt just find another one around the house. it was hell because that ment for my birthday I got nothing from my parents :( 5 things I've always wanted to do listen im not one of those "dream about far off countries" people. you might be, and thats totally ojay, but I'd be equally okay if I visited Japan or Vancouver or some other place or just stayed home. I don't really get the exploring thing. (only place that has priority is visiting my friend Kelsey in America, which would be heeps if fun bc we've never met in year life) I'm also not all going to be a "wow wish I went skydiving before i turned 84 😔" person either. I'd go skydiving if it was offered, but wouldn't really seak it out fir no reason. I don't really have goals like this that lots of people have. Sorry if this sounds a little debby downer guys but I just had to be honest

[survivorwakea]

Episode 7: “I just don’t think that makes sense” - Jared

Hello Elmo - welcome to your tape. We once again meet in an org. I was very excited to 1. make merge 2. to meet up with u in another org and to have the chance to work with you. However my excitement was almost immediately ruined. I asked if you want to work together and was greeted with "if our plans align". This was my first red flag of a few tonight. "If" not hey lets make our plans align nd work together, just a sort of ok sure if it swings that way. So I said that to you, we should make them align. You replied with "kk." BITCH TF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. And then you're all like I'm so happy you made merge you deserve this. Ok whatever I know that's just you trying to change the subject, which you do a lot when you want to avoid things hmmm. Then we start discussing HvV nd I made a joke about you maybe fucking me over here after I said I trusted you...you left me on read....so I'm not just gonna sit there and take that. I was like ok I see where I stand with you. And you're like nooo I want us to work together but also if you think you wanna vote me out because it's best for your game then don't be afraid to do that ~ and trust me I'm not scared to vote you out. I did it once before, I'll do it again. You did say that wasn't you plotting against me, and I sure as fuck hope you meant that because my dumbass does want to work with you even if right now I feel similar to how I did before and like I'm not your closest person, which really did affect us I think oops. We love having no trust in a duo. I let this go because I fully understand that hey maybe things won't work out for us in this org, although I'm really hoping they do. Then you're like hey lets guess for the idol together. Okay sounds promising doesn't it? think again. Turns out you gave your guesses to Justin and Zack. I'm glad you did tell me this though because it shows there's a little bit of trust, but I am wondering where that puts me in all of this. How close are you to Justin and Zack? I adore you and if you do feel you need to vote me out then so be it, I respect that and there wont be any hard feelings, but don't think I won't fight you for this. Hopefully I am just reading too much into things and you are wanting to work closely with me. I do pray we end up working together, I plan on trusting you more even if I do feel right now that is going to be a risk, but it's one I am willing to take. I know you're an absolute social king. I am the social queen, a king needs a queen but a queen does not need a king. Remember that.

________________________________________________________________

YEEHAW BITCHES I MADE MERGE. Been to every tribal council so far, plan on being here until the final tribal council. I'm not a threat I swear.

I made it to merge! This is very exciting considering this is my first discord game and I can sorta function on it so thats good. I've had the pleasure of hardly participating in any challenges and only going to the joint tribal where Dean was voted out. I pretty much have no real relationships in the game since I haven't had to really count on anyone in a tribal. The good news is a lot of people were messaging me last night even those who I haven't had a chance to be on a tribe with yet like Chloe and Bodhi. Well...I've played with Bodhi in several other seasons before and I'm glad I have an excuse to talk to him again but I also know how cut throat he can be. The good news is that Johnny told me that Jared along with Bodhi, Joey, and Asya would potentially work with us. This is good. As long as people are interested that should at least keep people away from voting for me. I've also been reunited with Justin. We were on our first tribe together and I thought that we could work well together. There is also Ben and Elmo. I think I've done surprisingly well and being connected with those in the tribe despite my "inactiveness". Johnny is def my number one but I also don't want our games to be the same. I also have a lot of trust in Elmo and it doesn't look like he is as well integrated or at least maybe is a little UTR too. If it looks like Johnny and I are just making the same decisions, I think people may side with Johnny. So its important that I stay alert to new opportunities and make sure that I'm looking out for myself. I think I've been playing an UTR kind of game so far and I'd like to continue doing that. If people like me or at least don't mind having me around then no one will throw out my name as a target. I submitted my video for the talent challenge and just hope that I don't get negative comments.

I MADE MERGEEEEEE FUCKING FINALLY.

________________________________________________________________

I need to rely heavily on an outside social presence, I need to keep up the fact that I’m working to ensure a heavy background role. I have a lot of ORG experience, and I often want to draw from the best players that I know, and combine most of their unique gameplay qualities. A few examples I’m going to be using is Michael mepole’s strategy for Touchy Subjects when he puts all his positive answers on much bigger targets than him in order to create a narrative and slide into the background. TJP, one of my best friends outside of games plays a game built heavily on strategy and sociability, which while I’m at my new place, is giving me more flexibility to play games and work on my one big flaw: my social game. I said previously that in this game, I have nothing to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain. Survivor is the closest thing to being a good running back in football. Some running backs like Le’Veon Bell are very patient, and wait for holes to open up so they can explode. If I can have 15% of that patience in this game, the entire season will open up BEAUTIFULLY for me. It is absolutely imperative that I make sure Jared and Johnny are the two most vocal players in our alliance, because I have more freedom than anyone else in this game, having never made merge in an ORG game(Fuck you Trevino) before, the sky is the absolute limit. I need to keep others at bay, and kind of do what Ian did: build a wall and make it nearly impossible to have a social game with me.

Just found an advantage, so im pretty much a king. thanks lov u

i’m so annoy eeeeed

johnny really lost his vote for a legacy advantage that now serves literally no purpose so that’s sexy. now we (me, johnny, jared, bodhi, joey) have to depend on anabel and i guess lily for this vote. also they wanna kill chloe which is ugly and not what i want so like.

i know anabel doesn’t wanna kill chloe but that might just be because she’s a facebook person. anabel and myself both wanna vote lily and for some reason that’s just not translating to these people. like y’all want lily to be our extra vote but that could easily be chloe, especially when anabel is the one who can swing it in our favor and she wants lily out like.

anyways my alternate solution was just to vote out one of the facebook men. idc who. then we can get lily on board and probably chloe, and we don’t need anabels vote. like if y’all are so worried abt facebook people then what i’m saying makes sense. chloe has shown an interest in working with me and none of y’all have heard shit from the others so?

anyways i get mad when i don’t get my way so sorry for all the ugliness i know will follow after this,,,,, ur all beautiful except for stinky johnny and his stinky legacy advantage

so this is my first tribal ever, im immune, and thats super cute and hot and everything, but u know what’s cuter and hotter?? this bitch right here is ab to do somethin crazy and perhaps stupid but it’ll provide good television!!! jared johnny bodhi joey asya and maybe lily and all want me to vote chloe and i have said that im down w that. HOWEVER, elmo justin zack chloe and ben are voting joey and they think im doing the same. im a bit conflicted rn. i am thinking i want to go w elmo bc he’s the person i trust a lot, but i really need to talk to like johnny bc he can’t vote this round, and i also trust him a lot!!! so basically we’re looking at 5 voting chloe, 5 voting joey, and then me. and whatever i do is what happens. not really quite sure if this is a good position to be in, i have 11 ppl who think im with them and that ill do whatever they say, but im not really ab that... i just rly need to talk to johnny bc he’s the person who’s gonna give me answers and insight and everything i need but he’s at WORK and this rly sucks. stay tuned for my decision LOL

________________________________________________________________

idk if i mentioned this in my last one but... the condition for me voting joey is that chloe zack justin elmo and ben have to say it was lily and NOT me. if this works im going to pee myself..

________________________________________________________________

so everyone except zack knows ab my big huge plan and if he would JUST FUCKING GET ON i would love to tell him.... i feel like all this shit is so unnecessary for the first merge vote, but they started it. so if they’re gonna be crazy, i am gonna be crazier.  and that’s just the tea. putting on my big girl panties and walkin into tribal w a plan in my head, a smile on my face, and lies on my lips (wow that’s poetic)

this is copied from my thread but thats fine:

SO ANABEL SAYS TAHT SHE WANTS TO CALL! so we call and she drops a bomb that there is a big grp of tumblrs working together trying to get chloe out and im like hmm huh and she asks me not to tell anyone and im like thats fine i think that i convinced to anabel that she can flip to our side bc if she does that then joey should leave 6v5 bc johnny cannot vote i also convinced anabel to tell everyone on the other side aka FB + Ben side so now i dont have to tell them and i dont incriminate my alliance between anabel i think that if this works it would be so good for me... like even if chloe leaves i should be in a good position its much favorable if joey leaves but chloe leaving is not HORRIBLE for me that being said theres no way i would vote chloe out bc it doesnt make sense considering they are not even including me in the plan but yeah im kinda excited that my social game is snapping rn

UPDATE: i think that i got anabel to flip and i rly want chloe to stay now bc i think she'd rly wanna work w me if she gets saved. ZACK FLORES U BETTER NOT SELF VOTE OR ALL OF THIS WILL GO TO SHIT!

PRAYS TO HAWAIIAN GODS FOR THIS TO WORK.

OMGGGGG THIS IS CRAZY. queen anabel is honestly doing what i think will be the best thing for her game and informing us (me, elmo, justin, chloe, ben) what the rest of the cast is doing and voting out chloe. anabel a snake QUEEN and wants us to blame lilly after all of this and i am SO FOR THAT. i just hope anabel isnt really working with them and the other side plan on like blindsiding me or something. idk.. if joey winds up going home then this will be so good and i will love anabel so fucking much. all HAIL the snake queen! anabel legend. just pls dont be lying to me bc idk our call we just had did seem a lil quick and shit..

today i am voting out johnny. i hate the judges of the last challenge except for anna dad. anna dad is cool..

This round is crazy i wish i had recorded audio.

{ ok this is part is written today: i forgot that my confessional was so shitty last round. everything below this will be falsified confessional trying to get back into my head from last round }

So tonight chlohie should be leaving. We have majority but Joey is getting some votes too. It'll be 6-5 and joey will be safe. I would be totally shocked if Joey were to leave.  

What time is it? *clap clap* it's that time where I over share my feelings in here yeehawwwwww. So going into this tribal this morning, ya girl was nervous. It was quiet. Too quiet. The first name I hear is Joey, I'm kinda like oh no I like him but he's not too active so okay. As the day progresses and I'm still not hearing anything, the alarm bells start to go off a bit. I'm trying to tell myself I'm just being over paranoid, it's okay, I am fine, it's just a simple merge vote. All of a sudden I get Anabel rushing into my messages telling me she wants to call, I'm like ok cute bonding experience I'm here for it. Ben then in my messages saying to be prepared for the shit show that Anabel is about to tell me. I can feel my pulse rising I be looking like spongebob up in this bitch just shooketh. I call Anabel. She's like sis ur being targeted. Im like you're fucking kidding. Shocked but not surprised. Asya, who I thought was my homegirl, now up in this bitch wanting to vote me. People I been talking to all day being like wow I'm nervous be wanting to vote me. And why? Am I a threat? AM I REALLY A FUCKING THREAT? I been to every tribal council yea, but at the same time I'VE BEEN TO EVERY TRIBAL COUNCIL. PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK AND STOP TARGETTING ME FOR 2 SECONDS. So where I think I stand right now - I'm working with Zack, Justin and Elmo hardcore. We have Asya, Bodhi, Joey, Lily and Jared on the other side. Then in the middle there's Ben and Anabel. But then Johnny I'm shitting myself about because I've no idea where he stands right now. If this goes to plan Joey will go home tonight instead of me. Watch yourself Asya, I thought we had each others back. You apparently just want to stab me in mine.

________________________________________________________________

just made like a pretty lengthy lowkey negative confessional. So here's a positive one. I've decided that I love Elmo again and I adore him fully as a person he makes me so so happy and I'm happy to actually have a shot at fixing out broken org relationship. He's fully one of my favouritest people I've ever met EVER. and I'm so so so happy I get to play with him again. Zack I also love so much, I feel we've never had the proper chance to connect but we kinda highkey doing it here and I want to go far with him. He always makes me smile no matter what. I just really really hope he's having fun. Justin I also love a lot, at first I was kinda unsure about him. He reminds me a lot of myself. But now I couldn't imagine this game without him. He is a strong player but I fully admire him. I'm glad I got to meet him for the first time ever in this game and I sure hope we continue to be friends even after it ends.

These 3 people make my little heart sing and although I'm not in the position I thought I would be in right now, part of me is glad. I think we're just going to be brought closer and I'm excited to see what future tribals hold for us.

DUDE CAN WE JUST VOTE OUT CHLOE SO I CAN ACTUALLY STAY

________________________________________________________________

Joey is voted out 6-5. He becomes the first member of the jury.

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.