#i use the anti mediation app thank you very much

[mehemingway]

Had a nightmare where someone asked me, "oh, you meditate? What app do you use?"

[wewomenbookclub]

Meditation: Why is thinking of nothing SO HARD (or 7 days with a total beginner)

When we mods started talking about the idea of starting a bookclub, one of the first discussions we had was around what we most wanted to achieve, and what we thought we’d struggle with. I (Rose) said that I wanted a way to turn down the noise in my head before the moments it makes me explode in a negative way. Julie instantly said “meditation”, which was bad news, because meditation was my answer for what I thought I’d struggle most with.

I’ve tried it before. Chanted “om” at the end of yoga, counted ceiling tiles from the giant silk cocoon of an anti-gravity pilates class (don’t ask), I’ve lit candles, downloaded apps, sat in the garden but it always seemed doom to fail because while my body became still, my mind would pick up the slack, galloping though random associations until I found myself mentally exhausted and drained.

So I stopped trying, and even when we started WE, I didn’t attempt that practice until a week ago, wanting to cling on to the small successes I’d found with gratitude, and not start a practice that I felt sure was not compatible with my mind. But meditation week arrived, and I wasn’t busy. For once work seemed to be under control, I had friends cheering me on and absolutely no good reason not to have a proper go at meditating. So I promised myself I’d do it for a week, wholeheartedly and with as little baggage as I could muster.

Here’s what happened.

What follows is not a guide or any sort of sortedness, it’s just a total meditation novice’s attempts to make it work. For anyone else who is struggling, for anyone else who can’t find their peace… this one is for you! Rx

Day One - Wednesday

My day: I downloaded two apps, Calm and Stop, Breathe & Think which had been recommended by friends while I made my morning coffee and promptly forgot about them. My day was busy, and if it weren’t for a push note from Calm (which I’d meant to turn off) at about 9pm I would definitely have forgotten my new resolution. 

My meditation: I started with two minutes, in PJs, tucked in a corner with no distractions, and used just the breathing exercise on Calm. The first time I attempted to meditate on WE, I hyperventilated, and I realised subsequently that controlling my breathing is a stressor for me thanks to years of intensive flute/breath training. So I needed to get past that. It took me the whole two minutes to find the rhythm of the breathing so I added a minute. 

The pros: I started! I felt a little lighter afterwards, though that could have been from being properly oxygenated for once. 

The struggle: Even focusing on a visual and a sound trigger to regulate my breathing, my mind wandered and I had to fight to overcome the panic response when I refocused on how to breathe.

Takeaway - As much as meditation is about finding peace, I’m increasingly realising that I’ve put up a crap ton of hurdles between me and peacefulness… so I’m going to have to factor that in when I weigh how “successful” my meditation has been. Just doing the time may be all I manage at first.

Day Two - Thursday

My day: Working from home gives me a chance to take a little more time and so on the advice of Mods Julie and Liz I tried a guided meditation. It was sunny so I took myself outside, away from work and things that need sorted, and set up under a tree.

My meditation: The Stop, Breathe & Think app assessor suggested I was tense and could stand to relax and reset. This sounded about right so I settled in for a 7 minute guided meditation. I did pretty well at the relaxing of the mind but had a major wobble when the visualisation became about my body. I became hyper aware of how I was sitting, and I struggled for the rest of the meditation to focus on the words and stop wriggling about to try and be more comfortable, upright and grounded.

The pros: The relaxation portion of the guided meditation helped me to focus and drew my thoughts away from breathing. I felt very calm in those first few moments, Outside is good for me.

The struggle: How do I sit? I literally googled this when I came back inside and obviously there’s no right answer, but I let once again the concept of how one “ought” to meditate affect my actual mediatation.

Takeaway - Guided meditations are something I should explore but I also need to find my own comfort zone so I can stop myself from thinking about the how aspects of mediation and focus on what it does for me.

Day 3 - Friday

My Day: Was pretty full on and so I took advantage of a forty minute commute on a train (including several minutes in tunnels with no signal), so I popped in my headphones and decided I’d see if I could meditate on the go!

My meditation: There was ambient noise, even with earbuds, so I whacked the Calm timer to five minutes, ramped up the bird song, closed my eyes and sat back to try and clear my mind. I focused on breathing, (but not breathing deeply), and when the timer went off after five minutes I was surprised how quickly the time had passed. 

The pros: I felt really peaceful! Somehow I’d managed to carve out a bubble of time for myself on a busy train and that left me with a massive feeling fo wellbeing.

The struggle: I can’t always be on a train!

Takeaway - I seriously considered not even trying, assuming that the busy atmosphere of a train would force my mind into overdrive, but I remembered Gillian’s kitchen meditation anecdote in WE and thought - lets give it a go. And I feel like in many ways I had a small breakthrough. Being in a restrictive environment (I could only sit one way, I couldn’t make it quieter, I couldn’t be using the time for anything else) gvae my mind permission to let go a little. I had many less options of “how” to meditate - all I could do was actually do it. 

Day 4 - Saturday

After my Friday breakthrough, I was kinda excited to do Saturday… but then life happened and though I had a wonderful day, I didn’t make the time to practice meditation. I didn’t even think of it. 

The takeaway - if at first you don’t succeed….

Day 5 - Sunday

My Day: Easter Sunday brings a family lunch with it and all the accompanying politics. By late afternoon I’m a ball of stress and feelings and so I have a nap and when I wake up and everyone has gone I creep outside with a cup of coffee and my gratitude journal.

My meditation: I couldn’t cope with the idea of listening to someone talk any more, so I set Calm to five minutes and turned their ambient noise off, I had plenty of birdsong of my own. I did five deep breaths, scribbled down my gratitude and then closed my eyes and tried to feel all the good in the day, appreciate the warm sun and the hot coffee and the fact I was alive and still had time to enjoy my evening. My mind wandered a fair amount but overall the five minute focus on good things and calm helped me reset and I went into my evening feeling much more settled.

The pros: A definite feeling of wellbeing and also a sense of achievement for turning my day around. I felt glad I had taken the time and more at peace with some of what had been discussed and was stressing me out beforehand.

The struggle: … I didn’t really have one!

Takeaway - As much as Friday was a good lesson in “you don’t need to meditate perfectly to find it helpful”, today was the first time I’d approached meditation from the perspective of it being a need. I’d recognised that mentally I was not in a positive place and I incorporated meditation into my steps to try and change that. It proved helpful, and that’s one serving of positive reinforcement I can set up against all the times I feel like I failed to feel the effect.

Day 6 - Monday

My day: I had the wonderful gift of a bank holiday, a freebie day off work and woke up determined to make the most of it. Buoyed up by the day before’s success I marched outside to the exact same spot by the pond that had felt so peaceful the day before. I sat in the same spot, breathed the same air, felt the sun… 

Meditation: And nothing. I’d upped the timer to seven minutes because I was feeling confident and had the luxury of time. I closed my eyes. I opened my eyes. I thought of being heavy. I thought of being light. I counted breaths. I checked the timer - ONLY TWO MINUTES? How was it possible to think so much in two minutes when you’re supposed to be thinking of nothing. This was about the time where I started berating myself for not using time well, and let’s just say it was all downhill from there.

The pros: I learned that a meditation breakthrough one day may not translate to the next.

The struggle: Having felt like maybe something had clicked, realising that this wasn’t going to be a linear thing, that what worked one day might not work the next was something I suspected, but now I had proof.

Takeaway - In a sense, having this happen on a calm day where there was no reason to get so upset at myself for not being able to let go the way I had the day before was helpful. I know that there is no such thing as an “easy fix” for self-care and growth, but I think some little voice at the back of my head had held out hope that if I suddenly “got” meditation, then I would be a calmer person and the rest of the journey would be easier… Goof to blow that myth apart I guess!

Day 7 - Tuesday

My day: Any back to work day is a bad day for me (separate issue) so I knew when I got in late and in the dark and got into my pajamas that I wasn’t up for more than the absolute basics of self care. I managed food, a shower and crawled into bed only to remember meditation… 

My meditation: I sat back up, opened, Stop, Breath & Think and told it I was tired, discouraged, drained, miserable and full of dread. It told me to go to sleep and started a short two minute guided “Go to sleep” meditation. I shut my eyes and listened. Half way through my cat climbed on me and stuck her foot in my eye. The end.

The pros: I took the time to try even though I didn’t want to so I felt disciplined. The guided programme was very simple and encouraged me to let go of some of my negative energy. I slept pretty well and m mind was a little lighter at the end.

The struggle: Taking the time to pause and take stock instead of just crawling into bed. I tend to throw myself head first into anything, god or bad, positive or destuctive, my instinct is never to pause. So pausing is hard. 

Takeaway - Though meditation is a peaceful process, I have to make an active choice to embrace it. Often that will be at odds with my natural desire to just shut down or explode. Meditation is hard.

In conclusion

For me, meditation is hard. 

Not the act itself, but finding ways to do something which feels incredibly unnatural to me. Taking time to do nothing, finding space for a pause in my schedule is something that is going to take a lot of getting used to. And that’s just the practical end of things.

The emotional and spiritual implications are much greater. Beyond finding the time and the will to sit down and engage with the practice, keeping a diary for a week proved to me that every single time will likely be different. Some days I’ll find that happy space, and other days I will be fighting every breath to stay calm, to shut out my cynicism. Maybe in the long term it will get easier (as I hopefully find a better way to be on this WE journey), but for now I have to accept that the act of trying, is as good as some days will get. 

But what has changed as a result of keeping this journal is my willingness to try. I’d secretly made a pact with, myself that if I didn’t make any progress in a week that I’d just say I was meditating and go to bed 5 mins earlier every day (terrible Rose deal with self #432). I’d pre-decided that maybe meditation just wasn’t for me, that my brain was too loud, my life too busy and that turned out not to be true. 

I don’t know what my meditation will look like this time next week, let alone in six months, but I do know from those couple of moments where a switch clicked and the bumps in my mind smoothed out, even just for just a few seconds, that it’s worth continuing to explore.  

So from one pessimistic, newbie meditator - if it’s just not happening for you, keep trying. Keep trying new things. Keep doing it “wrong”. Just keep doing it.

Rose