#i understand this is rambling and pitiful but thats how i feel

[jeremysvoices]

okay, tangent about broadway time. this is just rambling, but others are free to toss their opinion in. or ignore me. this is just late night fueled and about 6 years late. (even though when I first heard it when it came out, I still disliked the things I dislike now.)

specifically, i need to talk about loser, geek, whatever (and by extension pitiful children). i need to clarify right now that personally, i loved the potential of the song. it had such genuine potential, and more of an insight into jeremy's mental state in the musical itself (debatable truly if we NEED this, but for the 2019 musical era. yeah i understand). but, within the first couple seconds, it drops the ball. it tries to copy some of the end of original upgrade, which is the transition into the song itself. but. it's not going to hit the same because the instrumentals and vocals are nothing like what they need to be. maybe i'm just too much of a will roland hater, but the song is way too upbeat for a song that's supposed to be declaring what he's declaring. (seriously bandwidth does not mean what they think it means) the whole mood itself just feels so... misplaced? why does he need to sing "wooaah uh huh! uh huh!" like what??

and then you get the to line "the problem has always been me!" that was great. it was genuinely great. but christ out of the whole entire song, and only enjoying that one part is?? questionable?? imo if the song had to be kept, start near the second half. they had a whole story shoved into this song and i will never understand why. AND EVEN THEN WAS IT REALLY EVEN SUNG, HE SPEAKS LIKE HALF THE FUCKING LYRICS—

honestly. they were trying too hard to recreate a michael in the bathroom moment for jeremy. wayyyy too hard. and i am well aware people wanted this, actually, and there being a lot of talk of how cutting michael off seemed so out of place and how this song helped people etc. totally valid, but at the same time, we see jeremys mental state and build up just fine without out. with michael, we literally do not. which is why when michael in the bathroom comes around and takes a swing, IT HITS. this was just dragging out a tense and spur of the moment decision to get another song.

but okay great! (debatably) depressing song. amazing. all for those. SO WHY DID WE CHANGE THE LYRICS FOR PITIFUL CHILDREN, HUH? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING GUT WRENCHING. WHERES THE "YOU WERE ALWAYS QUITE THE LOSER, JEREMY" ??

WHY IS THIS FOCUSED ON CHRISTINE?? WHY IS THERE DIALOGUE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT THAT. LIKE. THROWS THE WHOLE SONG OFF. (YES I KNOW THATS THE ORIGINAL DIALOGUE, BUT HELL ITS DIALOGUE FOR A REASON NOT—)

JASON TAM WHY ARE YOU SAYING "SQUIPSQUIPSQUIP" WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE???

I have minor issues with Broadway Pitiful Children.

anyways, yeah. and then well, we can all agree jeremy in broadway is just a completely different character from like. any other media. he gets treated as a baby too much. but. that's discourse for another day.

[calic0o]

Rambling about Ghost Roach n Soap again gET YOUR ASSES HERE !!?!!!!

(Both Ghost and Roach gets out alive from the betrayal!)

Cw// Uhh Mentions of burns! burning alive ! scars! and a tad of emotional hurt . i think. a tiny tad . (im lying! )

Roach and Ghost sleeps together. It’s not out of love or lust, no. Not at start at least.

There are, things others don’t understand. Ghost loves Soap, with all he has. But he just doesn’t understand it.

He doesn’t understand how Simon felt when they were betrayed by Shepherd, he doesn’t understand how it felt to be burned alive.

He tries, he really does. But Simon doesn’t want his pity. He sees the way Johnny’s eyes glaze on the burnt parts of his body in the showers, changing rooms, when they are fucking. It ticks him off. Makes him feel like a fool.

He knows it’s not the case, he knows Soap feels a deep regret for not understanding the betrayal sooner, not being able to save them from it. But oh how it ticks him off.

Roach, on the other hand, understands it. He was there with him.

They burned together.

Roach doesn’t look at him with that, weird eyes when he sees him naked, he doesn’t feel afraid of touching the burnt flesh on his body.

Maybe it’s because he had it worse with burns, but it’s still good. It feels good to feel his grip on the burnt and healed parts on his body, not afraid of touching, afraid of hurting him.

He understands, when they cry in the middle of it, he understands.

They understand each other.

The doom feeling, the overwhelming emotions and shared trauma is what bonds them together.

They burned together.

Thats what links them together, what makes them knock on each others doors in the middle of the night.

[1rabong]

hellow!!! what first got you into borosai? whats ur favourite thing abt the ship, and any headcanons thats rotating in ur brain rn?

Thank you for the ask so much you have no idea how much i wanna ramble abt these two

Well, there’s one specific scene for the first question.

THIS SHOT

Look at his cute lil face he’s so happy

I saw this and was like, wait. This alien’s kinda.. hot. And he was making these adorable faces all cuz he was fighting Saitama. Then he dies, after making Saitama use the serious punch for the first time in the story.

They were really something. So naturally i started shipping them. And I naturally went to ao3 to look up borosai and despaired cuz there was only like 40 fics for them at the time. But still, I read them all(and they were all great), and started drawing art for them. Back then, I had no idea that I’d be fixating on them for so long, longer than anything i had a fixation for😂

My favorite thing about this ship is that they’re so different. Almost everything about them is so comically different. Just look at these two.

Just them standing next to each other is visual comedy at its finest.

They have different moralities, personalities, styles, amounts of hair, etc.

Which makes their similarities all the more interesting. They’re both bored to death, because they’re too strong. They both crave that stimulation of being in a fight with their lives at stake. They both feel lonely, because no one understands what it’s like to have this kind of strength. This loneliness is shown more in depth with Saitama, but I think it’s the same with Boros too. When we’re first shown Boros, he’s all stoic and cold with his subordinates, his expression barely changing. But when he meets Saitama, it morphs into excitement. Then as the fight goes on, it turns into an almost childish glee, making him ramble on about his strength, his home planet, until Saitama snaps at him to stfu😂 But who can blame him? After so many years of solitude he finally meets someone who’s on the same page as him.

With their fight, Boros gets what he wanted. The fight he was craving so much. A fight telling him that there’s still something that can surprise him in this Universe. That he wasn’t alone. Which is why even as he was shocked that he had lost, he doesn’t feel angry or bitter about it. Rather, it almost seems like he feels pity for Saitama. Because surely there’s no chance for him to meet someone who is as strong as him. So he calls out Saitama’s name, as his last words, and dies.

All the above is more or less canon, but if we were to veer a bit off course into an au where Boros lived, there’s so much potential for an interesting relationship between them. Imagine the possibilities. He could be like a stronger version of Sonic, challenging Saitama week after week, always getting his ass kicked but coming back for more, a little stronger than last time. And hey, since this is a Borosai au, they could very well fall in love😆

This turned out to be longer than I expected and not exactly on topic but look, I can’t help myself.

The current hc that’s rotating in my brain rn is that they’re madly in love, and is married. And have a child😂

Okay i know this sounds absolutely bonkers but I’ve been hardcore shipping them for too long and them being in a relationship is like a default setting for me when I think about them, so giving them a kid to take care of on top of all that just came naturally. Imagine the utter chaos it would ensue. It’d be peak comedy.

This lil guy. His name is Daan. I love him so much.

Anyways that’s all the questions answered, thank you again for the ask🥳

[morphringwiselove]

rambling about art struggles (sorry)

i think what's limiting me during drawing is that im thinking too much about line art / not knowing how to combine line art and color in a manner that im satisfied with

really sorry for how rambly this gets forgive me (this is also barely edited and im barely conscious)

95% of the art i made in my life has been done traditionally and in monochrome; usually i dont bother to ever color it bc i only had access to shitty colored pencils and everytime it would always fuck it up, constantly smudging into each other

4% of the time was like when i was in middle school and discovered how to fucking pirate paint tool sai and i blindly did whatever i could with a mouse (read: i gave myself carpel tunnel a lot lmao). i think i still have access to like 4 drawings i did thanks to google photos and the only ones i can really look back on positively were the line art ones and even then thats cause i used deviantart bases lol

heres the literal 1%: i did an art class back in late 2020 - early 2021 (can't remember what level it was? or what it specialized? it was the third art class i ever took. it might be intro to painting?) and i got to use acrylic paint for an assignment! i fucked up using it because i painted it with the goal of filling up the insides of the lineart instead of using the palette knife to create texture. my subject was an otter in the water (fun thing to say) and the assignment was to create some form of pop art, depict contrast w color (otters are brown i know, wanted to use orange highlights against the blue water) and to show i know how to depict varying textures (fur, liquid).

i did not know how to fucking do that!!! couldnt get any help either due to covid fucking happening and my poor ass's only connection to the internet was my fucking phone data and it was draining fast LMAO

the reason as to why i was so poor was because back in October 2019 my life fucking got flipped upside down and i had to give up a lot and had to desperately try to find a job while being a student. (will not go into specific detail due to me not wanting a pity party about it and it being too personal. im only going to say that caregiver burnout is fucking hell)

a prior assignment to that class had us practicing on depicting textures on some sort of paper (it was stiff yet bendable iirc) with a white and black color pencil (white for fur, black for eyes). i was watching aggretsuko at the time and fenneko is a fav of mine so i picked that type of fox as my subject. im really proud of the way i depicted the fur but fucking hated how i fucked up the eyes. was supposed to show the "glossiness" of it and i dont have a pet irl to reference so ahhhHHHH it ruined the piece for me. pretty sure i have it saved somewhere but since its not fandom related im hesitant to post it.

overall the class made me realise that regardless of skill i rlly like drawing textures and i dont really understand why? tried to reasoned it out to be that i just really like textured blankets and that theyre comforting. i purr like a fucking cat when i like hug one and i hate it

i feel like nowadays with how scatterbrained and stressed i am i visualize blobs of color in my mind instead of clear subjects with clear outlines. i feel like i need to embrace that side more (or at least try starting with that when doing digital art). maybe now i wont be so fucking stuck and pressing ctrl z all the time lol

[lifecollectzoe]

a quick unformulated ramble on memoir of a snail [SPOILERS]

Life can only be understood backwards, but we have to live it forwards

also just watched memoir of a snail and how so so so amazing!! the work put into storytelling and craftsmanship is honestly next level. and it was equally strange and offputting which is definitely what i love in a film.

themes of overcoming the trap of caging ourselves in the result of tragedy is very present in this film - that despite the hardships, we should allow ourselves to be freed and new. ive learnt something very important in this movie, and despite sort of already knowing the gist of the film's moral prior to watching, it completely solidified my understandings of self. it can get shit and thats okay, but how we take that under our belt and move on from it is on our own accord. and it takes YOU to make that decision for YOURSELF. and once you decide to do so, then you are free.

a depressing watch for sure but still finds space for humour and heart-warming moments. as a whole, super comforting.

i love them so much, i am also sensitive to media that revolve around the relationship of siblings because i love my siblings very much.

honestly what an inspiring film, in both ways of it being a work of art and philosophically. guiding how we can approach our day-to-day lives in serious events such as loss.

the characters were all honestly so beautifully crafted and characterised. i felt the impact of each and every one.

also the representation of hoarding?? how grace holds onto things so much due to the amount of loss to things that are dear to her! shown ESPECIALLY in these two shots:

a super important quote to me now:

No, I won't tell you the horrors I remember, but do want to tell you what it's like to feel imprisoned, caged. It was simply dreadful. But in the years since, I've learnt that the worst cages are the ones we create for ourselves. You have created a cage for yourself, Gracie. Your cage has never been locked... but your fears have kept you trapped. Get rid of those snails! Set yourself free. You got rid of that creepy Ken. Now it's time for you to shed your shell. Purge your hoard. Start anew. A bit of self-pity's OK, but it's time to move on. There'll be pain, but that's life. You have to face it head-on. Be brave.

16.01.2025

[theindo]

Rant/ramble INCOMING!!!!!

Honestly I think "be yourself" is bullshit advice a lot of the time. None of you are ready for what I know as "my self".

Firstly, the most obvious issue. How am i ssuposed to know which self is really MY self?? Like i have the way my friends view me, the way my family views me, the way i view me when i look in the mirror, the way i view me when i listen to music, the way my abusers view me, so on and so forth. How do i chose? I think a "self" is a very restricting idea to have, honestly. Maybe its because im a teenager and my hormones and identity is constantly fluctuating and changing but like ungghh. I DONT WANNA STICK TO JUST ONE THING THATS NOT ME I KNOW ITS NOT!

Second issue.. i dont think "myself" is likeable! And its not a self loathing thing i just genuinely have Issues. "Be yourself or die dreaming" what i dream of is traumadumping on every person i meet, like seriously every day i dream of doing that. But no, i dont, because you know what happens when you do that?? NO friends and you are now VULNERABLE and AFRAID. boom. I dream about hurting people too. I dont act on that, and i wont. But idk.. it just seems like everyone else can "follow their dreams" while mentally i have to rewrite the very definition of a dream so i can function normal-ish.

Mentally, i struggle to separate my identity with my abusers identity. Partially because of that SILLY LITTLE . Trauma bond thing. Ubgh. Rolls eyes. And so sometimes i will mentally act like him. At the same time, i wonder if its just the "self" that he made for me, made out of me? What he made me become? I know he twisted my identity in ways i could not see or comprehend, but it sucks that it has to impact me like this. It makes it hard to function. But I obviously mask during times like that. I think itd be easier if i had a therapist but like i dont so. I mask until i do, i guess!

Right now, as i type this, i think this is the most "self" ive shown in a while. I show snippets of myself through my characters, through my kins, through my art and through the music i listen to. I think the picture it paints is ugly. I think if anyone truly desired to dig into me and see what lie inside they would turn away in disgust. But maybe its hormones you know. 14 am i right.

I dont want people to perceive me as some sort of negative nancy either, even if my trauma does TRULY define me, i dont want people to look at me and see some whiny teen! But i fear what if thats really what i am. What would i do about that, though? Shall i turn around and curse out the ones who raised me this way, should I look up at the sky and beg whatevers up there to twist my being into something more palletable ?? Thats edgy. I feel so insecure at the thought of being a "teen". Lots of reasons. It feels like a slur sometimes! I can go online and see "teen" in the top ten tags of some porn website, then i can turn around and see everyone hating on "teens" and like. I hate teens too i think its understandable... but?? What? Do? I? Do? Hating oneself is inherently "teen behavior", so is insecurity and vulnerability and the need to be seen. (How am i even supposed to NOT hate myself when all i see is people talking about how annoying people like me are?). What do i do. Do i go back or do i go forward. Theres only two directions - i wish i could go left or something, has anyone tried that yet LET ME GO LEFT OR RIGHT!!! NO UPS AND DOWNS NO BACKS AND FORWARDS! grrr. Yeah.

At the end of some sort of day, i do not seek pity or sympathy for any of this, i seek someone who understands me more than i understand myself. I seek security that will only be found when i can confidentally describe who "i" am. But if i dont get that i'll be just fine, because i always am just fine. INDO OUT!!!!

[nanithethottie]

001

It's been a long day. But that long day stemmed from many long days before it. That were apart of long weeks. And long years. And just a very long fucking time.

I don't know where I'm going to go with this, but I hope it gets me somewhere. I figured that if I don't know where I'm at and definitely have no clue the place I'm headed, the least I can do is try and make sense of where I know I was. Or at least what I can remember of it.

I think it's time to unpack it. You know, I'm trying to figure out a lot if shit. So. Much. Shit. I've had this idea to write about it for a while. It seems like the only thing I ever really knew how to do.

So basically I was told I was a good writer growing up. I felt that too. Like, I felt like I was a good writer just like they told me I was. My mom always begged me to do it. But I didn't want to. There were times I felt closer to it, even taking a chance at it. I did some poetry shit. It was kinda helpful. Fell out of it just as quick as I fell in. The most I've done in recent time was journal. I've journaled throughout my life, even though I tell myself I don't like to. But I don't know, I don't know what I like to do. I think thats why I'm here. I'm trying to figure it out. Maybe this will help. I like typing because sometimes I'm too lazy for a pen and paper. And something about having a secret tumblr blog feels so cunty. Enough rambling!!!! Damn!!!

Hey hey hey hey heyyyyyyy I am [redacted] and this is going to be a great story. As I stated, I don't know what the fuck I'm here for but atleast I have a story to tell. And when I say I don't know why I'm here, I know I don't feel that hopeless. Like hopeless in the way that I'm living for nothing. I really feel like I'm living for something. I just don't know what that something is but I really do want to find it.

Y'all, I'm gonna keep it so real and say why I'm typing this. Here's how my day went. I was sad as fuck going through a heartbreak that is gonna change my fucking life. Like I'm sitting here writing this like DAMN this shit hurt. Every time I think about it I feel this deep pit in my chest. Its deeeeeepppp. I'm trying to be real throughout the pain and keep it lighthearted to stop myself from feeling it but let me stop doing that. IM HURTING. Im in so much pain right now. This is the kind of pain that eats at you. That weighs on you. That makes your heart feel like it'll stop at any second. That gut-wrenching, soul-shattering feeling. But you'll hear why along the way. That's gonna be a huge part of the story that will probably be mentioned in each segment. It's a really important part. I made this account so I can feel safe somewhere.

I feel like God is with me, I just don't know how to reach God. I think I do. But I feel connected but lost at the same time. I can't really explain that feeling. Part of me wants to stop rushing the feeling of getting better. That's why I'm writing this I guess. Just trying to break things down and understand them better for myself.

Reality is starting to catch up to me. My life is starting to change in so many major ways. I know this to be inevitable, and I also know that I have a decision to make. I heard a pastor once say "you can be pitiful, or powerful". Anxiety be tearing up my fucking life. And I have a long of unfounded stress that makes me feel like shit is all over. It always lived with me. I'm trying to work through it. And stop believing that shit is pointless. Because at the same time I feel like I'm meant for so much out of this life. But now I'm 21. I'm getting ready to graduate. and so much shit is hitting the fan.

The least I can do is write about it.

[simcardiac-arrested]

BARNHAM THATS THE FUCKER! thank you. i didnt know he had a first name. i hope this was a fun exercise for you or something. as uhh reward or something idk. i dont quite really have something i can just go grab to give you. so heres a free space to ramble about a character from those games you like.

fuck yes free pass to autism. anyway i like both trucy and maya so i think i will talk about their parallels. they are both young girls at the start of their respective games and they go through So Fucking Much it’s incredible. but they still stay strong despite it all. maya loses her older sister at the ripe age of 17 and now has to live up to all these expectations of being a perfect spirit medium and perfect adult and now she has to be the head of the fey clan and master her technique. But she sucks balls at it all. obviously. she only has nick and pearl in her corner but that doesn’t even really help because all the time she feels like she’s failing them, like she’s not enough. she always tries to handle things on her own even if it’s to her own detriment. she defines her worth by her powers and her usefulness, and when she’s in court she feels like a waste when she’s next to nick. because he knows so much. he knows what he’s doing, he clearly doesn’t need her there. but the thing is that half the cases—hell, most of the cases in the whole ace attorney series would not have been able to be solved without maya. and yes, of course her powers are useful in solving cases, but that is not what i mean. i mean without maya. without her determination, because when nick gives up she Doesn’t. without her quick thinking, because when nick falters she Acts. without her strength, because maya is seriously So Fucking Strong. when her sister dies and she gets accused of murdering her, it’s devastating, but she doesn’t lose herself and she tries to help nick solve the case as much as possible. when her aunt betrays her and she is accused of murder again she is strong enough to stay collected despite everything. when she gets kidnapped it is quite possibly the worst few days of her life, and yet she never stops fighting, both for herself and for her family. and she always stays positive, always the light of everyone’s life—when she’s gone nick’s world practically crumbles. she is his anchor, and he couldn’t have gotten anywhere without her. On the other hand we have trucy, who technically becomes an orphan when she’s like, what, 8? 9? and that’s when nick takes her in, but that’s also when nick loses his damn job. and even though i’m sure nick has taken good care of her and loved her like no one else, i can’t imagine how it was like growing up for her. or no—i can, at least a little. because trucy is cagey. self dependent. strong. basically a full fledged adult at the age of only 15/16. she had to stay strong for her dad, obviously. couldn’t make him worry about anything. couldn’t make anyone worry about anything. when we see her in the game she is silly, whimsical, seemingly without a care in the world, seemingly not understanding the gravity of any given situation. but she understands it better than most. she knows how to be serious, how to be strong, she just does it in her own subtle ways. and she is definitely not stupid. she is one of the smartest characters in the games, even if we don’t take into account her ability to detect lies. she’s great at reading people and judging situations. she’s good at navigating life in general, all on her own. of course she still appreciates her dad, she still loves him, but the life of a daughter with a jobless single father who isolated himself from everyone for 7 years has not done her a lot of favors. just like maya, she is also the light of nick’s life, his second anchor, his most important person. and just like maya, trucy never allows herself to be weak, to be open, to be not enough. never allows herself to make others worry about her or, god forbid, pity her. just like maya, she is everyone’s support, everyone’s comic relief, everyone’s reliable adult in all but actual age. So anyway if capcom had let me work on ace attorney 4: apollo justice all these years ago i would’ve actually made trucy and maya interact on screen

[carolina-skys]

[simplygyuu]

Teddy Bear - 11 : i wont ever forget, okay?

*⁀➷synopsis ! : on your birthday one of your best friends, soobin, gifts you an adorable teddy bear. you keep it all day once he gave it to you, carrying the adorable thing around for your entire birthday day and going to sleep with it that night. the next morning you wake up with.. a man in the place of your precious bear?! he doesn't have a name and he looks at you like you hung all the stars and.. did he just say he WAS the bear?

wc (0.6k)

From the second you got home, you noticed something was off about Beomgyu. He wasnt being anywhere near as energetic as he used to be and he was doing a lot of zoning out. He would stare at the wall with a pouty, almost frowning, look before picking up his phone and typing furiously.

Honestly you didnt know what to think. You assumed it was just him still upset about his game even though it had been hours since then. You dont know why he would still even be upset with it.

You were gonna just leave it alone and let the boy sleep it off until you heard soft sniffles coming from Beomgyus direction. Almost immediately, your head snapped up at the sound to see the most pitiful sight youd ever laid eyes on.

There Beomgyu was sitting on the small, single chair while crying. He tried to wipe at his eyes, looking honestly confused and just upset. He didnt seem to understand what was going on, he might not even know what tears were. Yet there he was, crying in your living room.

“Beom?! Whats wrong? What are you crying?” You were quick to jump up and approach him once the initial shock wore off. He looked up at you, still hiccuping as he cried before shaking his head.

“I d-dont know..” Beomgyus words trailed off into another sob, making your eyes widen. You were never the best at comfort like this, it really wasnt your forte. But you couldnt just do nothing!

“Shh shh, It's okay Beomie.. I'm here okay? C'mere give me a hug.” You lowered your tone into that of a soft whisper, hoping it would ease him more. The hybrid was quick to take up your offer, practically diving into your waiting arms.

You just rubbed his back gently, whispering any comforting words you could think of as you let him cry onto your shoulder. What could have made him so upset? From all that you know he hasnt been doing much that could get him this upset.

“..Beomie? Are you feeling better?” You finally whispered gently a few minutes later once Beomgyus sobs lowered into soft sniffles. He had yet to look up from where he was cuddled up against you, just nodding softly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You added along, bringing up a hand to run your fingers through his hair. He melted into the touch, making the corners of your lips quirk up into a small smile.

“You..you texted me and said you didnt remember how we met and I got.. sad. Even though you said it was Yunjin I worried and-and then I thought what if you really did forget even though i'd never forget cause thats the more important day of my life but youve lived such a long, human life and-”

“Oh, Beomie..” You gently cut off his long, panicked ramble. You didnt want him to work himself up again. Carefully, as if you were touching glass, you cupped his cheeks and brought his face up so that he could make eye contact with you.

“I wont ever forget, okay? Never. You're important to me and that day changed my life forever in a good way. Im sorry that my friend upset you this badly. Ill talk to her, okay? But I promise you i'll never, ever forget the day we met.” You rubbed his cheek with your thumb as you spoke, making sure to maintain eye contact to hopefully get across the point of how serious you were.

“..Okay. Thank you, yn.” Beomgyu finally replied after a few seconds before smiling a small smile and leaning forward to hug you again.

--------------------------------------------------------------

previous ! masterlist ! next !

notes ! : sad beomie..

taglist ! : @lynnfv @openingssequence @wonioml @lunaavity @sunarintoes @bluebearybeom @invusblog @forever-in-the-sky2 @woncheecks @captivq @i8lhee @tatanbin @rynryn2 @qluvrv @wccycc @f4iryho0n @fancy-whitedwarf @totallynotbella @n0-thisispatrick @aeulia @zaeeeee @jungwon-kitten @sserafimez @lynanist @mazeinthemoon

[violetnotez]

Hiya!! So I dunno if you are accepting requests at the moment or not (lmao I'm pretty new at tumblr) but I saw your piece with Baku, Izuku and Shoto and reader in the 1v1...ok, so just asking, can we get one Kirishima and Denki, too? Pwetty pwease🥺🥺🥺(I mean, if it's fine with you) That, and you're a great writer!!! So lotsa hugs🤗🤗🤗

P.s, sorry for rambling😅

Hey babe! Omg yes of course I loved doing those headcannons, why not add these babies too! 💕 sorry for replying to this so late, but I hope you enjoy!

You fit Them At the 1v1 | BNHA

Kaminari x reader, Kirishima x reader (seperated)

Warnings: you WILL lose in all of these- it would make sense in the canon story line to me 💀😂 ALSO not edited cause I have no energy lmao + cursing | HC

read the original here

Masterlist | Kofi | Request a Fic | Commission Info

K I R I S H I M A

When baby boy saw your name flash against his in the big screen over the arena, his heart dropped

We all know Kiri prides himself heavily on being manly and drinking his respect women juice, so the fact he has to fight a girl is WRECKING him

And the fact it’s YOU, one of his closest friends and his ultimate crush,,,,

AGH the heart ache 😭💔

His friends really aren’t helping him-

Kaminari is just sighing, only saying “Sucks to be you man!”

Him and Sero are probably betting if Kirishima is gonna actually go easy on you 💀

Mina is trying to comfort him in between threats of hurting him if he so much lands a scratch on one of her besties

Bakugo is only one who really understands him at this point-he notices how down his friend looks at the news, and it almost makes him pity the red haired hero

But obviously he’s not gonna show that (emotions are for dumbasses💀💀💀)

So Bakugo grabs his friend’s shoulder, Kirishima turning at the sudden touch

“Your worries about her, arent ya?”

“Yeah...” Kiri sighs, hands gripping into fists. “I couldn’t forgive myself if I hurt her-“

“But you have to. And you are,” Bakugo states firmly, “Thats the whole point of this event dumbass. And if you sit there and mope about hurting her, that’s an insult to her. You’re basically saying she’s not strong to handle herself-“

“But she is!” Kirishima interjects quickly, eyes wide, “She is so strong! Way stronger than I could ever be...”

“Than worry less about her and more about yourself idiot! This is about you-not about some crush you got. You wanna be a hero? Than act like one and fucking fight.”

Damn Bakugo lay it on thick 💀

Even though the words are harsh, they hit close to home for Kirishima and he snaps out of his mopey state, a small, hesitant grin forming on his face.

Once the fight starts, Kirishima does exactly as his friend told him-and he fought with all he got

Once he finally pushed you past the white line, the crowd cheered, and he felt so much pride in himself-

Until he saw you hunched over, looking quite defeated

Guilt bubbled in his insides for basking in his victory while you lost, running over, apologized on the tip of his tongue-

Until he saw you look up, a small smile on your face

You looked slightly upset, but the smile was covering it up, a small chuckle on your lips as he came over

“Why you look so worried Kiri!” You grinned, shaking off the dust from your uniform. “I’m fine-that Special move of yours really did me in though, that was amazing!”

Kirishima felt completely shocked-you were taking this so well, so friendly and nonchalant...he couldn’t help but feel admiration for it

“Well, it wasn’t easy, you did an amazing job as well!” He said truthfully, chuckling as he scratched the back of his neck

“We both did amazing,” you corrected, offering your hand as a peace offering.

Kirishima gladly took it, loving how small your hand felt against his as you shook it firmly.

“If I had to loose to anyone...” you stated calmly, looking at him square in the eye,

“I’m glad it was you.”

･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:

Kirishima’s mind was going a mile a minute as he shuffled around students, “Excuse me!”’s and “Sorry!’s spilling out of his lips and he looked around, trying to find your familiar hairstyle in the crowd.

He finally spotted you in the stands, looking over a fight with Deku and Iida, your expression completely absorbed by the fight.

Kirishima’s heart instantly began to race in his chest, hands feeling clammy at his side.

But his best friend’s voice began to echo in his mind, that harsh voice saying “just fucking do it, shitty hair” somehow helping him walk over to you, his hand reaching out to touch your shoulder before he could force himself to stop.

You instantly turned at the source of the touch, your eyes softening and a warm smile growing on your face as you saw it was him.

“Hey Kiri!” You greeted warmly, “So-we’re matched against each other! How cool is that!”

You genuinely looked excited and optimistic- it was contagious, and Kirishima couldn’t help but smile.

“Well-I-yeah, of-of course it’s cool!” He stumbles over his words slightly, but instantly perked up in order to cover up his his hesitance.

But you caught on quickly, cocking your brow mischievously.

“Aw, don’t tell me your getting nervous-“

“Never! C’mon, you know me, I’m always pumped for a fight!” He shouted brightly, hoping he sounded confident enough.

You simply giggled, shaking your head slightly.

“Of course I know that Kiri...” he sighed out his name, making his heart swoon.

“Give me all you got, okay?”

Kirishima looked at you, feeling his heart beat violently against his chest as you gave him a sweet smile, your hand bent in a act of comradery.

He grinned to his left, cheeks blazing red as he took his larger hand in yours. giving it a squeeze.

“Of course.”

･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:

K A M I N A R I

Ohhhh does he feel totally screwed right now 💀

Like-why does the world just always wanna cock block him?

His CRUSH

Like yeah sure, he looks at a lot of girls, but your yitties are the only ones he truly wants 🥺

Lmao so poetic Kaminari 💀

He just feels like shit

Sero isn’t helping when he pats him on the back and goes “Tough luck man”

He literally goes “WTF dude I thought you were my wing man” 😑

Anyways he’s just FLIPPING out internally

Until he gets in the arena-and realizes he’s got another problem

Cause holy shit seeing you fight is SUCH a turn on 💀

So instead of worrying about hurting you he’s more worried about you hurting him

Having you so close to him at points when he���s not paying attention-

Like yeah sure you just grabbed his wrist and slammed him into the ground-

But damn were your hands always that soft?!

Until you almost punch him near the white line does he realize how much he’s goofing off-

So he pulls out a special move that completely overrides your own quirk, making him able to win at the last moment

Baby boy feels so bad he comes running to your side and helping you up

After the fight, he proceeds to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness

He’s literally so dramatic 💀🤧

At some point you just say you forgive him just to get him to stop begging

It’s still endearing tho 🥺

･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:

“Man, you’re gonna get destroyed by her!” Sero laughed, clearly unaware of how mopey his friend looked.

“Why’s that?” Kamianri sighed, his yellow eyes looking the shade of dark honey. “And why can’t you be supportive!”

“Cause dude, you can barely act normal around her-let alone fight!”

Sero chuckled, stuffing his hand in his pockets.

“Seriously, you kinda act brain dead around girls-and with her...it’s game over.”

“Ahhh, thanks for lifting my spirits dude-“ Kaminari whined, a pout on his lips as he mumbled, “And I don’t act brain dead-“

Just then, the two boys spotted a group of three girls coming there way- Mina, Ochaco, and you.

Sero grinned a smirk that could be only described as evil as he waved over the girls and shouted out a cheery “Hey!”

All three of them waved back, Mina shouting out “Hey boys!”, your shoes walking near the boys to talk.

“Oh hey Kaminari!” You smiled at the blonde, “Didn’t even see you there!”

“Are you excited for our fight!” You were incredibly happy, not phased by the fact he looked so nervous around you. “I know I am-hopefully we don’t beat each other up too much,”

You were laughing, grabbing his wrist lightly in a friendly gesture but Kaminari was dying inside- cause holy fuck you were talking to him?! AND TOUCHING HIM-

He was either gonna scream or puke-and on the outside he looked exactly like it.

But thankfully you didn’t even notice, waving a goodbye at the boys as the three of you walked away, Sero turning with the biggest shit eating grin.

“So you don’t act brain dead, huh?”

“shut up-“

･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:

© Violetnote 2020

None of these characters or shows are my own, only the storylines and narratives I create are mine. Copying, stealing, plagiarizing, rewording, or using my storylines in other media, claiming to be your own, or reposting without my consent is not allowed.

[swtki]

You And Him

Part 2

Pairing: George Weasley x Fem! reader , Fem! reader x Cedric Diggory

Summary: Cedric can’t help but feel envious when you aren’t his.

WARNINGS: ANGST, THIS IS SAD, MENTIONS OF SEX

A/N: Okay so maybe I’m feeling shitty because of my personal life but thats neither here nor there, this is written in Cedrics POV. Also in this AU Cedric and George and Y/N are all in 7th year.

We were fourth years when we first met, I saw you sitting at the table near mine in the great hall and I never wanted to take my eyes off of you. I never wanted to see you without a smile painted on your already gorgeous face, a smile that I was cause for. You were eating and conjuring up a conversation with the other girls, it wasn’t long until one of the girls noticed and giggles errupted, causing us to lock eyes. Thats when I knew, I never wanted to take my eyes off of yours.

After I mustered up all the courage my fourteen year old self could, I introduced myself in one of our classes. People knew me as punctual, well said and put together, but when I talked to you I couldn’t stop rambling. You laughed at me, but I knew it wasn’t a pity laugh or anything laced with venom. Your laugh was warm, and sweet, I could tell you were laughing because you thought it was charming. You would later confirm this on a drunken evening.

“Cedric,” you said, “Do you remember when we first met? All you could muster was fragments!”. Your cheeks were pink, the fire whiskey’s proof of making its way to your bloodstream.

I thought things between us were strictly platonic, it was an unspoken agreement that we kept our hands in our laps. We were just friends. All friends loved each other for years on end right?

Just when I decided to accept that, we hooked up. We hooked up in my room and I’ll never regret it, I just wish I hadn’t fallen in love with you more. It happened another time, four months later. The sight of you wrapped in my sheets was beyond heartwarming.

You seemed to not have any feelings towards it nor any against. You would smooth your skirt down, and say goodbye to me like we had just joked around. But if I were to have you in any way other than platonic, I figured this would be our first step.

But thats when you got paired with him, you got paired with the boy every girl was infatuated with for his humor alone. I walked us out of class, thats when I should have seen things were in path to change:

“George is quite sweet actually, he’s more than just jokes. He complimented my intelect today, what boy in our year compliments on anything other than bust?”

I should have dropped everything to proffess my love to you right then. Drop to my knees, tell you how I value your intelect as much as your pure beauty. But, I didn’t. So we went on walking as our usual selves.

I had to listen to you fall in love with George Weasley, during study sessions and late night drinkings. I slapped a smile on my face as I listened;

“I don’t know, George is just so...so perfect. He asked me to study with him on Friday, alone in the library!”

I pretended to be happy for you. But inside I was nothing if not crushed. I wondered if maybe this was a first date that would lead to nothing, secretley I hoped it was. But, it wasn’t - and as the months dragged on, you were head over heels. I developed sores on the inside of my cheeks from biting them, I never wanted to make you unhappy, even if that meant hurting myself.

Still, I hoped things would be casual with you and him. But, every time I saw the shaggy ginger and your beautifully lit up face, that hope deminished. Then, he gave you a necklace for your birthday. A locket really, but you wore it every single day.

“Ced, look-“ you opened the locket to reveal a picture of you and him “Isn’t it just magnificent?”.

I agreed, and declaired how thoughtful and romantic George was. Even though the thing representing those charactaristics were sitting around the neck where my love bites used to mark.

I decided that if I could not be happy for you, I would be happy for myself. I asked Cho Chang out, we talked all evening until curfew came. She wasn’t you, but she was great all the same. She looked at me the way I always wanted you to look at me.

I know now, that you truly understand. When I walked into class hand in hand with her, I saw your jaw clench. And it told me all I needed to know.

Tag list: @annasdani @mullthingsoverinthehotwater @faeinorbit @anchoeritic @cedricsyellowscarf @cedwardcullen

[zwampy]

sometimes i think about in depth blogging about my feelings and life and i dont know what worth it would have but . hoo.

im so tired of being eternally broke, but i always will be. like the only way i get about to anything cool is by the grace and pity of others. i see other people in nice new clothes, TRAVELLING... TRAVELLING... taking photos on their brand new phones, with friends, and its VERY HARD not to feel bitter and down. or like, i see people making jokes i made, but nobody heard, and it’s nobody’s fault i have a small social circle and outreach, but seeing 100s of people go haha about something you said already a long time before you’re like... oh my god Lord throw me a bone now maybe

anyway i do count my blessings i really do i TREASURE the little good things that happen to me, TREASURE, but also it’s exhausting constantly keeping back the “you know, it could be a lot better than this” thoughts

i think i need to severely limit seeing accounts from people who have rich families or just got lucky or whatever. like im always thinking about how we’re all struggling, even if you “got lucky” it’s like... why would you stop talking about the horrific inequalities or sharing charities or talking about our garbage cities its ???

like i saw a news article in the related of something else i was reading, and it was like “[influencer/youtuber idk] explains why they moved to LA” and im like... uh... because theyre rich now? why would they move to a people hostile dogshit traffic choked city? because its LA and thats where influencers go now that theyre rich? why doesnt every single other person make a pained face seeing that. dont you cringe? why arent you cringing?

everything loops back to city building and walkable cities for me apparently. this is a ramble. im just keeping myself from getting too down :^( its hard. i know you understand. no point falling into the pit though, but i do feel this absurd need to clarify myself to strangers online like “BTW... I DONT HAVE A LOT OF MONEY... I TREASURE EVERY GOOD THING THAT COMES MY WAY... IF WE ALL HAD MORE MONEY WE WOULD CERTAINLY BE HAPPIER... ALL THESE POSTS I MAKE I’M SELF AWARE... IF YOU SEE ME SOMEWHERE PRETTY, I’M THINKING THE WHOLE TIME “HOW BLESSED I AM TO BE HERE”... I CAN’T BE LIKE YOU, IF YOU’RE WEALTHY, I’M NOT LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE YOU, AND YOU SHOULD COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, AND BE GENTLE TO OTHERS AND GIVE WHEN YOU CAN, BECAUSE YOU ARE PRIVILEGED”

im not re-reading this. life has been hard! not going into details lol. i just need to cosmically reach out to strangers online sometime to go “we’re struggling, right? we don’t have money like some people do, and we’re never gonna. let’s stay strong, at least i’m not struggling alone”

tattoo on my forehead that says “ a lot of bad things happened to me and some continue to happen so don’t compare yourself to me because we are only barely the same species, it’s not fair and we did not run the same race”

hmmm... let’s hope we get a little luckier soon

image reward for reaching this point

[kuroosweakness]

hi um idk if this counts as an emergency but could i request some drabbles of how Akaashi and Sugawara would react to their s/o opening up less, self isolating, not as in they're not talking to anyone but they're isolating their emotions and keeping everything in? one of my biggest fears is that I'd come off as asking for attention or being a bother to someone, and a lot of times I'll ask my friends if I'm annoying them. Now I don't even ask anymore because i think THATS annoying, and i feel so stupid and i just want to cry but i refuse to cry in front of people because i feel like such an annoying burden and im just asking for pity, i tell people to leave me alone or ignore me even though that's the last thing i want. i crave comfort but refuse to ask for it and even reject it when i receive it.

hi! here's how i think akaashi and sugawara to react to your current state. i'm not the best at comforting people and writing emergency requests, so i hope this is okay!

also, i really hope you're feeling better. pls know that everything will get better. they always do <3

akaashi:

- don't you ever think anything gets past him! he catches on to your change in behavior the moment they start to show. knowing him, he'll subtly ask you how you are and investigate further into your situation :')

- the LAST thing you are to him is a burden!! pls talk to him and make his worry less!!

- he knows you well enough to not leave you alone even when you say so at first. imagine akaashi politely pacing around the room, unsure if hugging you would be appropriate.

- he'll throw in a few jokes about he'll get tired of coffee or traffic or his coworkers, but never you! not even when you're persistently needing reassurance/affection. if he can make you feel more loved, he'll gladly do so

sugawara:

- he's so sweet and caring!! the perfect best friend + boyfriend combo

- one day, he'll ambush you (in a very friendly way) and start interrogating your sudden change in behavior. how come you're talking to him less? isolating yourself? communication is key!! how else would he be able to understand if you don't tell him?

he can spend hours listening to you ramble on about your thoughts!!

- the moment he hears that you don't want to be a burden to him, he'll frown and huff. how can you think that???

- negativity begone!! sugawara can turn a serious talk session into a fun movie night (or any other activity you love). to distract you from your worries and allow you to enjoy your day, he'll try his best to plan a little something for you two!

[sukifoof-art]

do you have any ideas on saeru and haruka being friends... because i would love to write a fic and my only problem is that i'm not an ideas man :'))) i can imagine they could meet when mary drags saeru into the daze?

AAAA thank u for this ask its very good and im sorry for answering it so late but!! firstly i think if everyone survived including saeru and kenjirou, kenjirou and haruka Who Is His New Son can take saeru out to Buy Clothes Like A Human. yes this is an excuse to draw him in my clothes again

manga/anime spoilery stuff under the cut

i think it would be really interesting that if after he gets dragged into the daze he met haruka there,,, although im not quite sure how that would work out cuz i think its implied he and takane meet again in?? the afterlife??? i think???? but maybe in another timeline or something like that haruka is still alive in the daze like how he was at the end of mca it would be really cool if he and saeru got to talk. like maybe saeru thought he was close to disappearing and haruka kinda. sees him break down and screaming about how he doesnt want to die and it would remind haruka of himself,, i would love for them to be friends and i think if anyone would be willing to be friends with him it would be haruka cuz haruka is Very Good and also understands that terrible fear of death,,,, maybe he could be trying to help saeru accept it because haruka seemed to be forced to come to terms with his own death and then theres that scene in the manga where he tries to console takane when he thinks shes talking about her inevitable death,,, thats actually what this post was about cuz its something i think about a lot,,,, i feel like it would be friendship based less on They Get Along So Theyre Friends but Haruka Takes Pity On Saeru Who Is Clearly Very Lonely And Distressed All The Time. maybe haruka can make him go to therapy cuz he definitely shouldnt have to deal with. Saerus Issues. i just feel like saeru could really use having someone as kind and understanding as haruka and haruka could use someone who understands his feelings on death as well,,,

ALSO i just remembered u wanted fic ideas and im not great at that but obviously i Really love the concept of them just talking so i hope that my incoherent rambling helped at least a little bit <3<3<3

[pfreadsandwrites]

congratulations on 100+ followers!!🥺❤️✨ bless you and your quality content ahhhh and thats a really good list of prompts there i actually had trouble picking one... but, since im truly a sucker for angst at heart, can i please have a number 15 with Kakashi?👀 please hurt me lmao thank you, and congrats once again!❤️

100 follower celebration

Yes, i used this mangacap. 

Anyway, ahh @enchantedpendant, I’m so sorry I’ve kept you waiting so long for this! I know you expressed excitement over me writing something angsty way back when I first began the celebration event and ugh I’m just sorry it’s taken so long. And thank you for your support as well. You’ve been so amazing and encouraging right from the start and I’m so grateful :) I really hope you like this... if ‘like’ is the correct word.

Oh - also, to the anon that also requested this exact prompt (great minds think alike, huh?) I’m planning on writing a different version for you! But yours is the penultimate or last one so I’m hoping this’ll tide you over in the meantime! 

This is my first piece after being unable to write for a while - forgive me if it’s rusty. I worked hard on this but I also struggled to all hell with it. It’s a circular-ish/montage-y piece. And I could have made it short, focusing on the scene itself, but I wanted this to have an emotional impact, ya know? I hope it worked! Please let me know what you think. Or if there are any mistakes.

warnings: character death, angst, miscarriage, sad feels all around, female reader, mild violence and sex mentions but nothing explicit, 2.9k

taglist: @madaras-housewife @datblobbyfish @praisingkuroosbedhead @allthingskakashi @enchantedpendant @ibukiirisha @cinam00n @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @tachibrii @drunkenfists

15. “Don’t die on me - please.”

Why did it always feel too soon, each time he let you go?

You remember it, the first time it happened. 

How could you not? Little, insignificant, as it might have been to some - to him, if he could convince himself - to you, it was momentous. Lasting only a second, where his calloused fingers had brushed against yours, softer than his, yes, but no less enduring. The normally aloof eye, the only one he seemed to show without hesitation, was intent, the obsidian endless in its depth. 

But - out of courtesy to him, or some kind of self-preservation - you’d paid it no mind. Or kept up that pretence, anyway. You found your footing as quickly as you’d lost it, stumbling away from his support no matter how reluctant you were to do so. The gratitude you’d muttered was enough and it seemed like you’d made the right choice; when that quietly shrewd eye of his turned away from you and his strong hands let you go in the same movement. He never let you bask in your own clumsiness, but that somehow made you feel worse. His nonchalance was excruciating. As if he hadn’t just saved you and made it look effortless. As if his touch alone hadn’t frozen you in place. 

As if it never happened at all. 

(It never should have happened at all.)

But still, you remember it. The moon’s luminosity the perfect backdrop, illuminating that wild silver hair as he turned away from you. 

(It was all so disgustingly poetic.)

It took longer than it should have for you to turn away in kind. But you did. Eventually. You made the awkward trek back to camp before him, the internal rambling of your self-berating your only company. It grew louder each time you looked back, stealing little glances against your own will.

It was so loud that you didn’t notice much else.

Not even Kakashi stealing glances back at you, for instance. 

***

Why did your breath hitch,  even when the air had never been more tranquil?

You remember. 

How he always did that, you still don’t know. Perfect timing, though you never appreciated just how perfect until he was gone again. 

(You should have learnt to count your blessings.)

Without a trace, and so quickly, unceremoniously, that the entire encounter might well have been a mirage. It still might have been.

(Maybe it’d been better that way.)

 You’d had enough. You didn’t think it through much further, and your desperation triumphed over your cautiousness as you sought out the bar exit. The mission, against all odds, was a success. And, against all better judgement, you were dragged along to the accompanying celebration. The atmosphere should have been infectious, you should have smiled more, you should have enjoyed yourself. 

Then again, you couldn’t find much to celebrate. Mistakes - your mistakes - had piled up. Your team completed the mission despite you, not because of you. The liability, not the heroine. 

(In hindsight, would it really have been so terrible if things ended for you there?)

You’d exhaled dramatically as you made your escape, a feeble attempt to expel all the guilt and shame you’d retained, or tried to retain, up until now. 

You still remember the lilt of his voice, smooth and somehow jovial, but never losing that gravelly undertone, as you walked around the corner. How could you ever forget it? No matter how lax he sounded, or tried to sound, the severity lurking underneath always cut you deep.

Are you alright, he’d asked, already knowing the answer. With that signature one-eyed smile, he pretended to believe your response. And you pretended, in turn, that his smile didn’t have had the effect on you it did. 

You didn’t exchange that many words as he walked you home, but somehow, it was enough. Though he was always careful with what he revealed, it was enough. He understood - much more than he let on, you suspected - but it was enough.

You didn’t hate yourself quite as much anymore, and - well, it wasn’t too much of a stretch - it didn’t seem like he hated you either. Something in the way his hand squeezed your shoulder, lingering for a moment, just before he saw you off. Was he reluctant to let go? 

Maybe. 

You slept better that night. 

You’d find out later, that, miraculously, Kakashi did too. 

***

Why did you feel so secure, sharing in all that suffering?

You remember.

(Why had you been so stupid?)

You’d almost dropped your flowers, when you saw him standing there, facing the memorial stone. It shouldn’t have been shocking; you’d heard gossip, in passing, about how much time he spent here. You’d also heard, in passing, how late he tended to be. Putting two and two together, you never held the latter against him. 

You understood, after all. You'd understood all the more as your eyes bore into his back. Something in the way he curled and uncurled his fists, the way he sighed, the way his straightened back gradually hunched. 

As far back as you could recall, your attitude to graveyards was… ambivalent. You’d avoid them whenever you could, not out of any tendency to be spooked or anything like that. You just couldn’t bring yourself to leave. It was peaceful, to be immersed somewhere so solemn, with such dense air - but the gravity of it also chained your feet there like an anchor. You knew each time you were there, regardless of your own volition, wouldn’t be the last. So if anyone were to empathise with this particular way he chose to punish himself, it was you.

(And now you would take it on twofold in his stead. What a joke.) 

“You don’t often come here,” he’d said quietly, matter-of-factly. Devoid of judgement, though he didn’t bother to face you. 

“No. I probably don’t spend as much time here as I should…,” your voice trailed off, and found new confidence, when you watched him stare at that stone. Hopelessly. You didn’t know all the details. But you didn’t need to. All you knew that it was simultaneously frustrating and pitiful. “And you probably spend too much.”

This time, he glanced back over his shoulder. You couldn’t exactly see through his mask, but he seemed… amused? “How do you figure that?”

“Call it a hunch.”

He chuckled, satisfied, and stepped back to give you room. “Then, I guess we balance each other out.”

“What a pair we are.” 

“Right. Well, I better-“

You still don’t know why you decided to grab his wrist that day, when he turned to leave. You still don’t know why you couldn’t bring yourself to let go, either. 

You still don’t know why Kakashi decided to stay. 

***

Why did you flit so rapidly from anger to elation, and why was it always because of him?

You remember.

In hindsight, it had been your fault. 

(What the fuck else was new?)

Retreat. Get out of here. It had been a simple order. But it had felt impossible, when the enemy appeared from behind, jutsu blaring, its raw power visible, that disgusting snarl on its wielders’ face - aiming for him.

You didn't think. You couldn’t think. You leapt in front of the attack within seconds, and your plan ended there. 

The same couldn’t be said for your captain. With his signature finesse, with a rare scowl - you couldn't tell who it was aimed at - you were moved away, and the enemy deflected, in the same movement. 

The battle had come to an end shortly after, through no fault of your own. It took all you had, but you bit your tongue as he scolded you, in front of your comrades, quietly healing your wound. 

You had acted for his sake. 

(How futile.)

Apparently, that meant nothing to him, not even worthy of acknowledgement. It wasn’t like you had expected gratitude - but for a man known for his stoicism to blow up, and because of you - it made you livid in turn. 

The journey back had been silent, seemingly just so you could bask in your own shame. 

So, when you were back in the sanctuary of your home, nursing your injury, your failure, and your pride - you hadn’t expected to hear a knock.

Nor had you expected him. Headband missing, brow furrowed and glaring at you in that way you couldn’t understand, much less accept. You’d made a mistake - of disobeying orders, of recklessness, of caring - but why the hell did he care in turn? 

“What?” You had hissed, unable to contain the outrage of his interruption of your little haven. Not that it made it any easier to look at him. “You’re here to admonish me again?”

“What the hell was that?” He growled in turn. “You disobeyed my orders and almost got yourself killed.”

“I-,” your voice shook, tears pricked your eyes - he was right, even if it pained you to admit it, but it wasn’t fair. The space between you had shrunk. He was so close now that you saw the rise and fall of his broad chest beneath his vest - apparently just as outraged as you. You had never seen him like this before. “Why are you so mad at me? I was just trying to - I thought-”

“Am I supposed to factor in every one of your impulses? Why did you do that?”

You remember how you heard his heartbeat, pounding - pounding just as loud as yours was. And it depleted your inhibitions. “Because - because you were in danger, you asshole!”

You remember how he had gently grabbed your injured wrist, just as you were about to shove him. You’d anticipated his reflexes, but you couldn’t have anticipated his expression, when you finally met his gaze. You remember how swiftly he’d pulled down his mask, but you couldn’t have anticipated just how breathtaking he’d be, either. Nor how it could feel when he kissed you - finally.

When Kakashi moved to pull away, of course, of course, you moved to pull him right back. 

 ***

Why did you always let him leave?

You remember.

(If you knew how it would end, you never would have let him. Better still, maybe you never should have let him enter in the first place.)

Safe.

You’d never felt so safe. 

When he’d appear and reappear at your apartment - the window, never the door, despite your half-hearted protests - waving with that stupid, adorable, one-eyed smile. He knew you’d saunter over, sliding it open with a matching grin, every time without fail. 

(You always did. That much, you did.)

When he’d laugh, when you told him about your mishaps. You’d laugh at his in kind - though it didn’t suit you, and you replaced it with your usual sympathetic ear. When you’d accompany him to the memorial stone, and pull him way just at the right time. When he’d pull you away, too. 

(What a fool.)

When he’d unmask himself around you, and you pretended not to notice, like it didn’t floor you. When you watched him struggle to decide whether he was relieved or offended. When he kissed you, in that indescribable way that wavered between tentative and determined, soft and powerful, usually choosing the perfect time to flit to the latter, making your knees buckle in the process.

(What a fool.)

When he’d undress you, and no matter how desperate he’d seem, how he always paused to take you in. When he’d move in you, filling your heart and body so much that you thought you might burst. When he’d hold you just that little bit closer, tighter, longer every time.

(What a fool.)

Even when he’d leave, sometimes after you’d fallen asleep, sometimes before - sometimes in the morning - when he’d leave for a day, a week, a month - you felt safe.

Because you knew, in the deep recesses of your heart, that each time you saw him wouldn’t be the last.

(What a fucking fool.)

You remember the first time he said it. Quietly, earnestly, unceremoniously. 

“I love you,” Kakashi had murmured into your ear one night, when he was so, so sure you were sleeping. 

***

Why did you ever dare think you had any cause for optimism?

You remember.

The two lines, glaring upwards and through you, from that unremarkable little piece of plastic. They’d ran parallel - you thought it apt, just like your trepidation and your excitement. The lines would never meet, though. 

(How apt.) 

You’d been happy. That was what had shocked you most, save only for the very fact of you being in this situation in the first place. But behind the fear, there it was. A little glow, a nucleus of hope and future nascent deep in your centre, spread through your heart and speckled to your fingertips, your face, your smile - that paired flawlessly with the little bundle of meaning, the combination of you and him budding in your belly. 

(Buds drop off before blooming all the time.)

You thought it’d be easy. 

(How stupid.)

You thought you could share it all with him right away. 

(You wished.)

But there was a part of you that faltered, when he’d show up at your window in that deceptively lax way. The words stuck in your throat, whenever he asked you if you were alright. The ease of his question didn’t match the weight of the truth. It almost felt… cruel. 

Maybe his fears would eclipse yours, and all that euphoria you’d harboured would dissolve. Maybe he’d be angry, though you suspected that even if he were, it’d be short lived. Maybe you’d end up keeping him from his duty. 

(Maybe you were just a coward.)

Regardless, your hands would float to your stomach whenever they weren’t occupied. Regardless, your mind would conjure up a future, remiss of your own will, an idyllic scene of a child, a marriage, something so sickly sentimental that you wanted to scold yourself. Regardless, it gave you hope.

It was enough, you’d decided. You'd get over it, face him and your fears, because what was waiting on the other side was so good that you’d forget that you had any in the first place. You’d do it. 

You’d tell Kakashi the next time you saw him. 

***

Why did it always feel too soon, each time he let you go?

You remember it, the last time it happens.

How could you not? The moon’s luminosity the perfect backdrop, incandescent, illuminating that wild silver hair, that crimson eye, that tired eye. His blood gleams under its splendour, under the green light that emanates fruitlessly from your delicate, shaking fingers. Softer than his, but no less enduring. 

It’s all so disgustingly poetic.

He refuses to scream, or shout - just whisper your name, in that restrained, ever-abiding tone. It’s never made you want to scream out more in his turn. You would have done anything to absorb it all in its stead. 

“What are you doing here?” he demands, as if he has the energy to. As if you can answer. As if you don’t see the wounds, the bloodshot-eyes, that compliance of his own mortality. His hand - the one that you were stupid enough to trust in, to think was strong - clenches around yours, calloused, then weakens, loosening its grip. He follows it with another impossible, familiar order. “Get out of here.”

“Shut up. Don’t die on me - please,” you beg, coughing up your words in between the sobs that spill forth, onto his face. The ache, the deep, sharp cramp in your hips, the agonising spark that spreads throughout your lower body, and you repeat your futile mantra two-fold.  

(It hurts. It hurts so much.)

“Y/N, I- I’m sorry,” he begins, moving to use his dwindling force to brush away your healing fingers, “it’s too late for that. Just get somewhere safe. Please.” 

“Shut up,” you repeat. You gasp hoarsely, reinforcing your grip. The pain deepens, in the pit of your throat, your heart, and in your womb, amalgamating together inextricably in some hellish concoction just for you and you alone. “Shut up.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. His eyes lid, and suddenly that scar never seems so cutting. It’s all so obvious. He just looks so tired, so… resigned. As if he’s been waiting for this. “I love you.”

“I love you too. So you can’t-”

“It’s over. You know it as well as I do.” 

Somewhere, somewhere deep down, you always knew. You knew, but never wanted to admit it. He’d made his peace with dying, long before you ever met, and you can’t hold him back any longer. It almost feels… cruel. 

(Not as cruel as him.)

His hand drops, dropping with a graceless thud against your damp thigh. “Y-you’re covered in blood. That’s all mine…?”

“Yes,” you lie, voice as thick as the mixture of blood and tears that stain both you and him. “Don’t worry about me.”

He stops - and you almost think he’s going to call you out, like he’s done so many times before. 

(You wish he would.)

You’ve never been able to dupe him. But instead, his eyes crinkle at the corners.

(You love him. You love him so much.)

He smiles that hidden smile, one last time. 

His fingers that fight with yours give up, one last time.

He whispers your name, one last time. 

Why did it always feel too soon, each time Kakashi let you go?