#i turn 18 and suddenly give away a bunch of life advice

[solace-seekers]

okay here’s a quick backstory for the army thing

this is francois, my pet dinosaur. somewhere around february/march of the school year i start dragging him around with my everywhere while at school. i’ve done this for the past three years. (his leash/harness thing is wrapped like that to keep the balance in the middle so he stays on his feet )

so francois has made a name for himself, hence my recreation of him in crochet form to give as gifts to my teachers

BUT today we had an academic, arts and athletic signing for seniors and because i’m summa cum laude i was in the academic signing thingy. and they had a little excerpt from my math teacher about my accomplishments or whatever

and my teacher mentions how i’m the only student she’s met that has a pet dinosaur. and i saw a golden opportunity

so i reached under the table and got francois from the floor and got to hold him up to the entire senior class plus whoever else showed up while the principal finished the little blurb about me and some people went insane it was so funny

and my friends mom got a video of it and you can see the parents of the kid next to me looking at it in just. confusion

hands down the best legacy i can hope to leave and it’s centered around a $1 plastic dinosaur that i randomly decided to put on a leash

[enmy-writes]

Just Let Me Help You

Summary: Zuko, trying to keep is girlfriend safe, unintentionally gains the trust of the Gaang after a showdown with Combustion Man.

Word Count: 2728

Fandom: ATLA (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Pairing: Zuko x Fem!Reader

Genre: Mostly fluff, is fluff-angst a thing? Idk guys I’m soft, you tell me.

Rated: 18+

Content Warnings: Profanity, some gore graphics (brief mentions of blood, killing, murder), uhhhh that’s it I think I’m sorry if I forget anything else.

****Huge shout-out to my friends Kenz and Jenna for editing this and hyping me up. Hopefully, since this semester from Hell will be over soon, I’ll be able to write more. Please request things! Thank-you all for supporting this and let me know more of what you want to see in the future :) Also, feedback is always welcome. Enjoy!****

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They had landed the war balloon days ago, stalking the tired and defeated Team Avatar and trying to figure out how the complicated Fire Prince would convince the people he chased for months that he wants to help them now.

(Y/N) was stoking the hot flame provided by the fire bender, making sure the coals were burning a cherry red before she added leaves and herbs into a pot to make a stew for the two to enjoy. Her eyes followed Zuko as he paced back and forth, practicing what he was going to say when he finally decided to confront the rebel group, lips turned upward in an amused smirk.

“Hey, Zuko here…” she heard him say before he started rambling a bunch of nonsense about his past; from his discovery, to Azula, to his father-- all the tragic topics. It took him about three minutes, but he finished with a hopeful look in his direction.

“Well?!” He clenched his fists at his side in a nervous gesture, only wanting to get this right.

The girl on the log cleared her throat before speaking, obviously hiding her laughter from the sensitive boy. “Well… it’s perfect. I especially liked the ‘Hey, Zuko here’ part. I’m sure that Aang and his friends with be very pleased to finally learn your name instead of thinking you’re called ‘Angry Ponytail Hotman’.’’

He groaned loudly, rubbing his eyes with clenched fists. The melodic laughter from his companion tempted him to give up his quest and just run away with her and live a happy life free of his father and his destiny… whatever that may be.

Still laughing, (Y/N) stood from her log by the fire and made her way to Zuko, coming up behind him. Her arms slid right around his slim body, holding on tight as she tried to pull his mind from the depths of his insecurities.

“Zuko, love.” Her voice is soft, but intense. “Just go down there. I won’t lie, they might not take you right away. You have done a lot of damage to them and their goals.”

His warm hands slide down the tops of her forearms and slide between her chilled fingers, entwining them together as Zuko grips her like she’s holding him down on the land they’re on.

“I… I just…” He struggles to get his feelings out, finding it hard to convey how he feels even to the girl wrapped around him.

She shushes him. “I know.” Is all she says, as they stand there in a momentary comfortable silence before she detaches from him to continue dinner.

____________________________

Zuko had told her to stay behind, that he’d be back to either get her or because he failed to convince the group that he came to support them, instead of harm them.

“Zuko! I could easily be an alibi for you. A reason for them to trust you!”

“No. End of story. They could attack me and you’re in Fire Nation clothes. You’re staying here.”

A staring match between the two only lasted a few seconds, but (Y/N) let it go; remembering Iroh’s advice that sometimes the boy has to do what eases his mind to grow.

The empty pot gleamed an orange glow from the flames, a light in the dark woods that surrounded the two as they lounged by the fire.

(Y/N) was carding her fingers through the upset prince’s hair while he stared at the sky; confused. His emotions spilling onto (Y/N). He didn’t talk much about the encounter, only enough to tell her that they wouldn’t be helping the Avatar defeat his father anytime soon. Rather than pressure him, she offered her solace with calming actions rather than words.

The two had met in their early childhood, (Y/N)’s father being the leader of the Yuyan Archers and of course the Fire Lord wanted the talented girl to meet his… troubled son. In hope that she could help bend his son into the ruthless leader the nations needed to proceed him. Though they didn’t see each other as much as they should have due to (Y/N)’s schooling, the two quickly became close friends and were often found with Lady Ursa quietly running around the palace grounds.

His banishment led to (Y/N) perfecting her skills, and becoming the master she was destined to be, given there was no more distraction. No one could understand her in the way that Zuko did— they fit together like they were made for one another. Where he was hotheaded, she was cool; Where he was nimble and direct, she was resourceful and hidden. The two were the perfect set of opposites who ultimately balanced each other. And one without the other was a heartbreak everyone could see.

When she heard the news of his return, she rushed to the palace; radiant as ever. In an instant, the two fell back into where they left off;  barely any words needed between the two. Her fingers and lips had trailed over his scar often in those few days, brushing away the tears and insecurities that came with it.

Leaving the Fire Nation with Zuko wasn’t even a debate in her mind. She was tired of the life of lies and torment that her nation inflicted upon the world. She had spent the last two years relocating and rebranding people who were targets to the Fire Nation. In total, about one hundred innocent lives were saved from her dangerous missions. Her skill level was better than even her father’s, and she prided herself in her abilities. (Y/N) was truly a professional in her art with the eye of an eagle.

When she caught Zuko writing a letter to her with packed bags on his bed, she instantly went into the shadows and caught up with the boy easily, hiding in the balloon behind the engine for a while until it was too late for him to turn back. It was hot and the most uncomfortable thing she has ever done, but she regrets none of it. She joked with the boy; how did he not question a pile of fabric behind the piece of equipment that holds fire? She let it go after he hugged her close and cried for a while.

“Don’t do that shit again, Zuko.” Her voice was stern, though her voice stern, she held him close. She ghosted her fingers over his tense shoulders; the shoulder that carried such burdens. She pressed her fingers into his shoulders; trying her best to rub the tension from his body. 

“I won’t. Never again. Don’t leave me, I need you.”

A rustle of leaves and broken trees in the forest near the edge of their little camp put the two into defense, instantly gripping her perfectly crafted bow and quiver. Her ears pricked at a slight movement and she aimed her bows in the direction of the noise without even looking. Suddenly, green clothes fill the area as a younger girl makes her way into the clearing. Startled, Zuko sends a wave of fire towards the intruder, burning the girl.

Everything happened fast.

(Y/N)’s left foot—her plant foot—sunk into the ground and twisted inward, releasing a loud crack into the air. The Earth girl was long gone now; Zuko had been screaming at himself when he heard the cry of pain and the sickening noise that left the lips of his girlfriend.

The earth has released its hold on her, but the damage was done. She kneeled, trying to hold back tears but failing as they kept streaming down her face in a pain response. Zuko’s own eyes filled with tears as he ran over to her, helping her sit down and take the tension off of it.

The joint was already beginning to swell, black and blue and purple and yellow starting to show up in swirls around the area. Zuko carefully tried to feel the injury, barely touching the girl in fear of hurting her more. (Y/N) sighed, pushing his fingers away and ignoring his protest. She rotated her foot outward, cringing at the pain, but crying out when she turned it the other way. Zuko cupped his hands around her ankle, hands heated slightly to hopefully alleviate the pain.

“Baby… it’s okay—”

“No, you’re hurt! I knew this would happen!” He cuts her off with a panicked yell. (Y/N) places her hands on the sides of his face, forcing his eyes upon hers with a slight wince of discomfort.

“It’s most definitely, at worst, a fracture. I can still move it outwards without a lot of pain. It’s, like, a week off my foot at most and then another week with a splint and a crutch. I am okay, Zuko.” They stared at each other for a solid minute, saying nothing.

"Promise?" Zuko whispered.

"You think I would lie to you, Zuko?" She says as she wraps her pinky his for good measure

They turn in not too long after, (Y/N)’s ankle wrapped up in some extra clothes for stability. Zuko’s arms hold her to his chest as they slip off into the world of dreams.

_________________________

Oh shit. She thought from her perch on top of the cliff edge. The assassin that they have also been trying to find has been blowing up the place, really testing the stability of the edge of the cliff in shakes after shakes like an earthquake. Zuko had told her to stay at camp, but unfortunately for Zuko; (Y/N) was never that good at listening to commands.

She was sitting down, watching the Avatar, his friends, and her boyfriend try to figure out how to win this fight against the combustion bender, feet dangling over the edge. She didn’t want any pressure on her foot from standing on it; settling for the dull throbs of pain coming from the force of gravity alone.

Some third eye. (Y/N) thought to herself as she watched her boyfriend get too close to being blown off the edge of the cliff, wincing. She quickly strung her bow, aiming it at the man. She smirked, a devious smirk, and aimed it in a precise location.

Zuko was still trying to talk the man out of it when suddenly, his eyes went blank and the grossest sound he has ever heard reached his ears. Everyone watched the man, confused as to why he just stopped. It’s not until red trails down his forehead and around his nose in a slow trickle that they look at his eye.

In the middle of the red eye, that at one point seemed indestructible; an arrow sat; a perfect shot — his perfect shot. "Bullseye!" (Y/N) howled, her voice resonating in his ears.

In the midst of Zuko's panic, he failed to recognize the cliff he was standing on becoming increasingly unsturdy; turning he locked eyes with the archer. A ghost of a smile graced her lips, pride radiating off of her. Though he was angry, he couldn't help but share her pride. He locked eyes with his girlfriend who was sitting nonchalantly on the cliff edge above them all, waving nonetheless, when he told her to stay back. It’s then that the earth beneath him rumbles and falls, taking him with it.

“Zuko!” She screams, jumping to her feet; a loud crack coming from her ankle, buckling under the pressure and bringing her to her knees.

With a hobble in her step, (Y/N) climbed down the cliffside. The tears ran down her face at a ferocious pace, making her way over to the cliffside, a loud sob relented from her mouth as she saw Aang helping Zuko up over the edge of the cliff. 

"Spirits, Zuko!" She breathed, limping her way over to him and hugging him tight. "I should kill you, you fucking idiot!" She sobbed, pulling him into her chest. 

Zuko huffed out a laugh, wrapping his arms around her. He took deep breaths, calming his nerves from his near death experience; he focused on the feeling of her hand carding through his hair to grip it tight, and the hold on his shoulders. As he calms down, he remembers that he told her to stay put; and he sharply pulls away.

"I told you to stay at camp!" He huffed, "I told you I was coming back for you!”

She scoffs pushing on his forehead with two fingers. “In case you have forgotten, Zuko, I have authority issues. If I weren’t here, who would be saving your stupid royal ass? No one! You’re welcome, by the way. He wasn’t going to negotiate, Prince Pouty, and you and everyone else here is no good to the world dead.”

“You—You---You could’ve been hurt! (Y/N)! Or worse!” His protest was a whisper, trying to make the scene more private as he’s aware of the crowd around them.

“Zuko, love, I can handle myself. I’m a master at my craft--.”

"—your craft of carelessness, you could've been killed—"

"—but I wasn't Zuko!"

"That's not the point." His voice stern, making it clear that the conversation was done for now. (Y/N) simply nodded, pulling away from him and fixing her clothes.

Aang, Toph, Katara and Sokka watched the two as they argued; watching as they continuously tried to out-care the other. They watched as the two eventually stopped arguing, instead remained staring, as if daring each other to speak

“That was a ... nice shot? I guess?" Aang spoke, clearing his throat and drawing the couples attention to him. "He's definitely you know, dead."

(Y/N) smiles at the boy. “Thank you, Avatar, for helping save this dumb ass from falling off a cliff.” She gets up and bows to him. Zuko suddenly picks her up, the world turning sideways as he put her bridal style in his arms.

“Stop putting weight on your ankle!”

“I’m literally showing respect to the person who just helped you, is that a crime?”

“What if you break your ankle so much that you have to cut it off.”

“Oh, now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“Okay well you were first when deciding to sit on the edge of a cliff with a broken ankle.”

“You’re right! Sitting is dangerous. Next time, I’ll make sure to stand so at least I’ll have a better chance of reacting if the cliff side starts falling from under me. Oh wait, you were standing, and you still fell.”

Zuko sets her down on a broken rock that’s suitable enough for her to sit on. “Will you just shut up already and let me help you.” He reaches for her ankle, but she moves it from his grasp. Their eyes meet again and narrow in competition.

A mess of limbs as the (Y/N) evades the grip of Zuko, occasionally slapping his hands away if they get too close.

Sokka tilts his head in confusion and opens his mouth. “Is he—is he actually caring for someone?”

Aang nods. “I think? I don’t know, they’re kind of fighting a lot.”

Toph cringes, “Guys, I think it was me who hurt her in the first place. Last night at their camp. Zuko instantly stopped trying to help me when I heard her scream.”

“Guys… I think I’m supposed to let him be my master. I mean, he did just risk everything to save us.” Aang says, eyes locked on the one member who he cares more about than anyone.

Katara, still holding off on agreeing, looks to the two Fire Nation kids again.

“Ow! You bit me! Are you crazy?!” Zuko yells, shaking his left hand out.

The stranger girl laughs cheerfully. “Only crazy for you, stupid.”

And a phenomenon occurs. Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation blushes and looks down at the ground, a huge smile on his face.

“I hate you.” Is all he says.

“Yeah, I love you too.”

Katara, seeing the humane side of the prince, finally lets her guard down and walks over to them. Zuko’s eyes widen at her proximity, but the water tribe girl holds his gaze.

“I’ll heal the girl if it gets you two to shut up. And you have to find dinner for tonight.”

Katara’s eyes widen again at the sight of the crying prince who suddenly bows to her feet, thanking her with his whole heart. He then turns to his smiling girl beside him and pulls her into a hug.

“Thank you, (Y/N). For everything.”

“I’ll always help you… stupid.”

[introvertguide]

A Quick Shout Out for Bill Paxton

While rewatching Titanic (1997), I realized how much I enjoy the work of Bill Paxton and how memorable so many of his roles are. Whether it was a major role, a supporting role, or even just a very quick appearance, he really had a lot of memorable performances for me. I know that it has been 5 years since he passed away, but I would still like to do a quick recap of his roles that affected me and my movie going experience.

Punk in The Terminator (1984)

Paxton has almost no time in this film, and it isn't even his line that is so memorable, but he is part an iconic scene with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Right after the terminator first shows up in present day, he is naked and walks up to a bunch of punks. Arnold says the famous line "Your clothes, give them to me" and then commences to violently murder two of the punks and the one left over gives up his outfit. Great scene and that hair is amazing.

Chet in Weird Science (1985)

Wow I hated this character so much. I have an older brother, and this was the guy that made me realize that my bro was not that bad. Chet tortures the two main characters for no other reason than their existence, and it isn't until a doll brought to life turns him into a literal pile of crap that he changes his tune. This was one of the famous John Hughes movies of the 80s that shaped the teen culture of that decade.

Private Hudson in Aliens (1986)

If you are aware of memes on the internet, then you are probably aware of the guy yelling "Game over, man!" from the movie Aliens. That man is Bill Paxton and he is playing the panicky grunt that screams out what the audience is thinking. When the leader suggests listening to the advice of a child that the group of marines finds, he says to put the kid in charge. The group in the movie are supposed to be the toughest of space marines, but the situation is so absurd that even this group should be panicking. The movie jumps between a horror film and an action film and Paxton's character plays an integral part of both aspects.

That smarmy car salesman Simon in True Lies (1994)

Is Paxton getting beaten up by Schwarzenegger again? Sure is. A reunion after almost a decade, Paxton plays a car salesman that tries to pick up lonely/bored housewives by pretending to be an undercover spy. He uses his car dealership job to borrow fancy vehicles and then pick up women. He unfortunately picks up on the wife of an actual secret spy and has to deal with the repercussions. It is a very minor role in a big action film, but Bill Paxton really makes an impression.

Bill Harding in Twister (1996)

This is probably the role that really brought Paxton into the mainstream. This was a time period when disaster movies were suddenly very popular, probably due to the improvement of CG effects after films like Jurassic Park (1994). This was a role that let science be cool and made Paxton into almost an Indiana Jones type character. I am a huge nerd, so I really like to see characters conquer with the use of their knowledge.

Brock Lovett in Titanic (1997)

I remember actually recognizing Paxton for the first time and hoping for the best when I saw him show up in Titanic. He was again playing a scientist and I was thinking he would end up being like the rich old guy in Jurassic Park (1994). He doesn't show up nearly as much as I hoped, but he and the actress that played the older version of Rose (Gloria Stewart) were a great duo and I thought the two gave the best acting performances in the film. I was almost 18 when the movie came out, and I was much more concerned with college and picking a major than sweeping people off of their feet. I thought the science of uncovering the Titanic was much more interesting than the romantic tragedy that was the plot of the film. Bill Paxton was so cool and DiCaprio was just a pretty boy in my eyes at the time.

Bill Henrickson in Big Love (2006-2011)

I remember watching this TV program when I was married, and this was a show that was never missed at our house. I was earning my Masters in Developmental Psychology at the time, and a couple of my classes would show episodes as talking points. The show eventually turned into a bit of a soap opera, but those first couple of seasons were just fascinating and Paxton's superior acting was a major part of it.

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I know that Bill Paxton had a music career and did some directing. I also know that he had a family with a couple of kids. I was never a part of those aspects of his life; in fact, I never saw the man in person, but his different roles have brought me joy over the years, and for that I will remember him fondly. I was saddened to hear that he did not wake up after a rather common surgery. A great actor in my eyes and I am sorry he is gone. Rest in peace, Bill Paxton.

[oftenderweapons]

The Conversations - part 3/3

Characters: Hoseok, Taehyung

Wordcount: 2.2k words

Genre: slice of life, discussion of NSFW topics, conversation

Rating: suggested 18+

Hello readers! I’m back and I bear gifts!

This is the final installment for The Conversations. In this piece Tae and Hobi discuss their relationships with their girlfriend, Lace -- Tae’s gf -- and Giggles -- Hobi’s --, sharing some spicy details and offering each other advice. Since I consider them the “freakiest” among the guys, do expect some TMI. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: so much BDSM I had to read a handbook, impact play and dedicated objects, bondage and restrictions, themes of domination and submission, use of safeword and mentions of subspace. Voyeurism and exhibitionism, adult clubs and dungeons, public sex, masturbation and oral sex. Blindfold, powerplay, roleplay. Mentions of a sextape... :’) (also hints of a possibly angsty Namjoon future fic, I had to.) 

Wordcount: 2.2k

And here is my masterlist :)

Enjoy!

“Hey hyung, sorry for last night.” Taehyung said, sitting beside Hoseok at the lunch table in the common room.

“It’s okay, no biggie.” Hoseok already had a bright smile on, warm and honestly unbothered by the event.

“I didn’t knew Giggles was at your’s.” Taehyung opened his lunch, starting to analyse the various boxes and cups.

“Yeah,” Hobi’s ears turned reddish. “It was a surprise for me too.”

“How is it going?” Tae cheered as he found the main course. Beside him Hoseok stirred his noodles.

“It’s great. She’s fantastic. How about Lace?”

“She’s doing great. We’re doing great.” Taehyung looked around a little to see if anyone could possibly overhear. “We experimented with a riding crop. Best decision of my life.”

Hoseok laughed out loud, smashing his free hand enthusiastically against the table. “Glad to know. Giggles prefers the paddle. Or my hands. But yeah, Lace gives crop vibes.”

“She’s a huge freak.” Tae took some kimchi, mixing it with his rice. His mouth still half full, he muttered. “But I guess I am, too.”

“As long as she likes that there’s nothing wrong.” He too took a bite of his own food. “Wanna share?”

“What? No.” Tae filled his mouth some more. “I mean, I have to ask Lace first.”

“I mean the food, you pervert.” Hoseok bent over his dish, “though I guess nor Lace nor Giggles would oppose.”

“God, Lace is such an exhibitionist.” Tae said, motioning to his side dish and inviting Hobi to take what he liked.

Hobi also put his smaller boxes in the middle. “And you’re a voyeur, which works just fine.”

“Match made in heaven. Does Giggles like it too?”

“She likes it enough. But, she’s not that visual. She prefers focusing on other senses.”

“I kinda reckoned.” Taehyung remembered the previous night, when he’d endlessly knocked on Hobi’s apartment door only to have his hyung come to the door half undressed, faux leather pants on, his forehead sweaty. Behind him, Tae could recognise a woman -- well, Giggles -- fully naked, sitting on a chair, wearing nothing but a blindfold. And several feet of rope.

“Freak.” Deadpanned Hoseok.

“What about you, freak?” Tae also stirred his noodles, enjoying the steam coming from them together with the heavy smell of soy sauce and fried peppers.

“Do you want me to say I enjoy having her at my mercy, nothing but a blabbering mess, incapable of getting away or understanding what’s going to happen to her?” Hoseok was overly descriptive on that. “Because yes, I do.”

“So not only blindfolded but also tied up?”

“If she’s not behaving, then yes.” Hoseok suddenly looked stern.

“I bet she doesn’t behave much.”

“At all.” Hoseok smirked. “I think I should change her punishment to something she enjoys less.”

“Lace hates not touching me.” Tae fits a huge meat roll in his mouth.

“Giggles is not bothered, as long as I’m touching her. She needs to feel some sort of an anchor, a safety line, so to say.”

“Well, I’d need one too if I were tied up and in the dark.” His mind wandered back to one of his first times with Lace, when he’d let her cover his eyes with a thick silk scarf tied behind his head, his body at her mercy, as she observed him and touched him without him knowing where she’d land her attack, without his intense gaze following her every movement and making her flustered. She had confessed feeling free, unjudged. Not that he would ever judge her, but he knew that he would feel conscious too if he were the one in the spotlight, were the roles to be reversed. He knew he would feel freer without his lover looking at him, analysing where his attention gravitated. But this happened at the beginning, when they were still learning. Now their most pressing need is watching each other. 

“Well. Once it got bad. She got into subspace. Only time she used her safeword. That’s why we don’t use handcuffs anymore.” Hoseok’s face was instantly dull. He still tortured himself for what had happened that one time. The look in Giggle's eyes as he let her wrists free, the angry red marks on her skin showing the indentations of the metal. The way she had seemed so broken, so lost. And the heavy tears falling on his chest as she hid in his form, clinging to him.

"Just once? Me and Lace had to use them a couple times. Both of us. Sometimes she's not in the right mindset and she asks me to stop and cuddle her. Sweetest thing in the universe." His eyes turn dreamy. "After her taste, obviously."

Hoseok laughs and punches him lightly. "TMI, bro."

"Come on, if Giggles tasted that sweet you would boast too."

"I'd rather keep that honey all to myself."

"Greedy." Taehyung poured himself some cola, watching it fizzle before downing it in one go. "By the way, do you have any good role play suggestion? I'm thinking of surprising her during the weekend but I'm so tired I can barely think."

"Strangers at the hotel. Book a room, meet at the lobby and then go upstairs to fuck like bunnies?" Hobi said it without even thinking. 

"Done that."

"It's a classic. Giggles loves it. She fucks me like a slut." He snickered softly, nothing but dark mischief in his voice, but also undying fondness for his beloved.

"And that's TMI." Tae quips.

"You asked."

"Yeah, fair."

"Maid and master. Or butler and madame. You pick." Hobi drank some Sprite directly from the bottle.

"Cliché." Taehyung tutted and proceeded with his meal. “I don’t know. Not really.”

"Artist and muse? I don't know man, you're super picky." It came out with his typically whiny intonation, his tone a rollercoaster as he got deeper into thought.

Taehyung stayed quiet for a few minutes, mulling over the possibility. “Could do.”

The other man slurped in his noodles, finishing them and sipping the soup. “So, roleplay, uh?”

“It makes me feel freer. Like I’m not V from BTS. Like I’m just a boy who loves his girl.”

Hobi nodded. “You don’t know the incredible amount of places I wish I could fuck Giggles.”

Tae clapped his hands and laughed. “Like that one time at the restaurant. Damn, you disappeared for half an hour.”

Hoseok stood up to discard his container, then sat down again. In the meantime he reminisced. How Giggles had smiled mysteriously at him, holding his hand and carefully taking him away from the main scene, into a corridor and then to the restroom. He remembered how she’d palmed him heavily, how he’d cum in her mouth after five minutes of her devoted ministrations. He remembered how Giggles had fingered herself as she was sucking him, waiting for him to be done so he would crouch down, bunch up her skirt and eat her out until her eyes crossed and her legs quivered, lost in ecstasy.

“Sometimes I wished I could just get lost somewhere like in an alley or drive off in the countryside and get it all loose.” Hoseok huffed quietly as he cleaned after his meal, grabbing an half empty tube of ice cream and setting it on the table, again sitting beside Tae. “Make her take off her panties while we’re out for dinner. Do her against the mirror in the elevator.”

“The one back at the dorms...” Tae arched an eyebrow, nodding knowingly.

“Yeah. Or like… Go to a club and just finger her on the dancefloor. Or in a dark nook.” His eyes crinkled shut.

“I get it. People knowing you sucks sometimes. Lace and I wanted to go to one of those... dungeons? Or maybe like an adult club. One of those places where you can perform in front of a crowd. Try some real exhibitionism. And some serious bondage.” Taehyung finished his own meal, discarding the finished cups and plates and grabbing a spoon to share the ice cream.

“Like, shibari?” Hobi asked, making eye contact with his friend.

“Yeah, why not.” Tae shrugged. “Lace would be interested. We’ve done mild things before and she enjoyed, but those are things you need to learn with an expert and just thinking of all the things that could go wrong makes me shiver.” He took a big mouthful of ice cream, almost freezing his brain in the process.

“I took an online course. Kinda fun.” Hoseok smiled and turned a bit shy. “Giggles was ecstatic. We learned some extra knots together, from a book our teacher recommended. She’s a keen student. Very dedicated.” He exploded in bubbly laughter.

“Would you let her tie you up?” Tea asked.

“I don’t know if she wants to, but I would let her.” Hobi blushed. “I wouldn’t mind. She’s talented. And disciplined. Very careful and diligent. I know I would be in good hands. What about you?”

“I’ve already let Lace tie me up.�� Taehyung was absolutely confident, his voice neutral. “I enjoy letting her manhandle me every now and then.” He shrugged again, blowing his cheeks and rubbing at his chin. “She can do that. Honestly, she did take some lessons and taught me a few things. We explore a lot together.” At this, his eyes moved to the floor, a bit flustered. Lace knew his body like no one else in the world. He had spent years living in it and getting to know it, but his girlfriend had put body and soul into exploring him, memorising every small tell, every little quirk and sweet spot. Lace had unravelled him in a couple weeks, studying his anatomy with a maniacal precision. And when he allowed her to take control of him, her knowledge showed. Her fingers could draw endless pleasure, keeping him on his toes for hours and then making him explode like fireworks. But the most important thing was the way she had learned to soothe him, to care after him, her affection like balm to his bitter moods and darkest nights.

“Glad for you.” Hoseok gave him a pat on the shoulder, drawing him in for a hug.

Taehyung was getting ready to leave. “I got to talk to Namjoon. He’s giving me feedback on some lines in English. By the way, have you heard of him and Vixen?”

“What?”

“Had a fight. He’s hell-bent on making it up to her.” Tae scrunched his nose. “Guk sorta walked in on them in the studio the other day. I don’t know if they made up.”

Hoseok pouted. “Joon temper’s sucks. Boy got some pent up pressure and he’s gonna blow a fuse someday or other. Plus Vixen’s no saint.”

“She holds him accountable for his bullshit. Takes good care of him. Plus, man, she’s a keeper.”

“Truly.” Hobi thought back to the sparks between her and Namjoon everytime they’re together. If that wasn’t love, then he didn’t know what it could ever be. Probably it was the way Giggles searched for his hand when she was afraid, the way she always looked at him when she found something funny, or that small breath she held every time he said her name. Or even the way he needed to bury his nose in her neck when he needed to rest. How he always put his hand on the small of her back when he needed her at his side, when he looked for support and protection.

Taehyung already had his hand on the handle of the kitchen’s door when Hoseok stopped him. “How do you store your… stuff, with Lace?”

“You mean what? Toys? Porn? Pics?”

The older huffed. God, he’s really shameless. “Your vids?”

Taehyung’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh. That stuff. I assume you’re not hiding it from her?”

“I was thinking of shooting something. I need safe storage.” Hoseok rubbed at his forehead, crossing his arms.

“Avoid phones. Worst thing. Get yourself a good camera and a decent memory card. Like 72GB. Keep all the stuff in the memory card or pen drive. Lace and I have it in our bedside table. Never keep stuff on the phone or in cloud.” He pointed a finger towards Hoseok for emphasis. “I would recommend an action camera, which is practical like a phone but safer. But if you do use a phone, no connection, no wifi, nothing. Just a phone used like a good ol' camera. Move all the stuff away as soon as you’re done.”

“Yeah, that was sort of a given..” Hobi nodded. “So, a camera? Suggestions?”

“Depends? Handheld or tripod?” Taehyung asked, checking his phone.

“You know me. Hands on my girl, and I like shifting a lot.”

“Tripod. Definitely. I’ll send you some links for reference tonight. Enjoy.”

[cynthiaandsamus]

Custom Toonami Block Week 72 Rundown

Code Geass: Lelouch continues his plan to kidnap a little Chinese girl and Todoh gets to show off his new Zangetsu so the Black Knights enjoy having two Knightmares worth a damn for once, though as if on cue Kallen gets caught in the most bullshit way possible bringing them back down to one Ace. Xingke has home field advantage and a new Knightmare with spinny dealies and turns Zero’s bullshit tactics of fighting in the one place that basically wipes out the enemy for him against him. However the gods of the Code Geass world themselves said “You know Xingke’s way too OP, better Kimimaro him and make it so he’s terminally ill so he can’t do too much” so now the Black Knights are literally backed into a cave and instead of letting Xingke just finish the job the Chinese government swoops in with Britannian reinforcements to try and claim victory and seize power all at once. Also Lelouch is somehow back at school despite being in China and I don’t remember this part at all but I guess it answers my question from last time. I think it has something to do with Sayoko and  realistic Lupin III style mask or something.

Inuyasha: The Panther Demon filler continues as Inuyasha’s Group, Koga and his two goons and Sesshomaru/Jaken make their way into Panther Demon territory after Inuyasha breaks their barrier. Koga meets up with Royokhan and gets the low down on the Panther Demon backstory with Taiga killing their leader hundreds of years ago and then Sesshomaru beating them 50 years ago but losing a lot of men in the process. It’s kind of a neat turn seeing Jaken go try to get Inuyasha and Sesshomaru’s like “fine I guess we’ll let him help” and then getting mad when he finds out he can’t even come because he’s nailed to a tree. Like it’s a weird bit of complexity for Sesshomaru to feel betrayed by not getting help he never really wanted and now being determined to fight off the Panthers alone. Anyway all the groups square off against the Panther mini-bosses, Lightning Panther beats Miroku and Sango and gets them captured with Kagome, Wind Panther fights Koga to a draw, Ice Panther continues her beef with Sesshomaru and Fire Panther keeps teasing Inuyasha. It’s kinda nice that they give every group someone to fight and something to do but I kinda wish these fights lasted longer and Fire/Ice panther were scaled up a bit to match Inuyasha and Sesshomaru’s power because they’re firing huge sword beams at this point and it just doesn’t seem like they’d have this much trouble with them. Also Jaken and Inuyasha meet and both of them are like ‘hey you seen my group?’ which I just thought was funny.

Yu Yu Hakusho: A new arc begins and honestly this is the Yu Yu Hakusho arc I remember the least because I think I missed an episode or two in the middle of it since YYH came on right around when I got home from school back in the day. But yeah, Kuwabara suddenly decides he doesn’t wanna do demon shit anymore and Yusuke’s like “fine it wasn’t your job anyway you made me let you come last time” and then Kuwabara immediately backpedals on it because there’s a hot girl he wants to save. Also they still need to give Keiko a lame backstory about Yusuke interning with a detective that doesn’t explain all the zombies after her but Kuwabara’s sister being like “Damn who’s the spirit baby, here’s $50 for the bus” is fine apparently. Anyway we get the Toguro brothers’ introduction and it’s neat to see them effortlessly make Yukina cry to make jewels and then have Younger Toguro give her some advice about making herself cry on cue so she doesn’t have to suffer every time which is some weird tough love take it or leave it advice that says a lot about his character right away. Also Yusuke and Kuwabara fight a giant plant demon who’s all like “Yeah I’m a demon but I got bills to pay bitch” and like what bills does a demon have and why can’t they just steal from the rich human but it doesn’t matter because Yusuke and Kuwabara just blow him away.

Fate Zero: So the church is like ‘yo free Command Seal to whoever fucks up Caster’ which is strange because yeah Caster’s killing children and shit but UBW Caster killed a bunch of peeps too and no one blinked an eye and Kiritsugu blew up a fucking building and no one cares so I have no idea where the line is here. Also Iskandar gets a shirt from amazon and it’s hilarious but he forgot to order pants and Waver tells him he’s not allowed to wear pants until he murders a historical figure and Iskander’s like “you know what that’s fair” so he’s just gonna be freeballing it for a while I guess. Strategy meeting with Kiritsugu, Iris and Saber happens and Saber seems more than a little pissy that Kiritsugu doesn’t address her directly and is basically treating her like a Pokemon. They talk about the four spots the grail can appear at and since we’ve already seen UBW we know it’s gonna be in the huge residential place so it can murder everyone and also Shirou. Also Caster shows up for Tentacle Hentai time with Saber along with more child murder but Lancer’s like “Hey I am the Vegeta of this story and no one kills Saberot but me” while Kiritsugu does his Homura Akemi thing to fight off Kayneth’s T-1000 Black Clover Nozel Silva Mercury Magic which is just amazingly amusing to me that Kiritsugu’s fighting style is to just shoot all these demi-god mages in the face and end his battles in the most anticlimactic way possible.

Konosuba: So Kazuma’s dead again. Shoulda really occurred to him sooner that dying again would get him reincarned again but nah, Samurai Santa has to come off him so he can meet Eris but he actually seems to miss his friends a bit. Like he doesn’t ask to go back specifically we’re not being that cheesy here but considering Kazuma’s two purposes in this story are to complain and explain the joke it is nice that he has some lingering feelings for his party. Then Aqua’s all “Hey fucker get back here, you’re not getting rid of me that easily” and despite Eris saying they can’t just revive him because he doesn’t belong there Aqua just does it anyway, really gives the vibe of an older coworker being like “you’re not supposed to do it this way but this is the way I do it” kind of deal. But yeah Kazuma has a crush on Eris now and despite these guys saying how much they hate being in a group together they sure seem to turn down every out they have to get away from each other, idk I get the joke and jadedness but a little more sincerity would be nice.

Sailor Moon Crystal: Usagi wakes up at Mamoru’s place and he gives her his backstory about how he became Amnesiac Batman in Evening Wear. Luna knows Sailor V but for some reason is really cagey about divulging that to the rest of the group even though literally everyone has been assembled now. There’s a dated plot about Blockbuster taking over people’s minds that Usagi literally handwaves away when Zoisite comes out and punches her and defeats the whole team with one dark energy wave. Tuxedo Mask comes in and punches him in the face and then remembers he doesn’t have any powers and gets owned. The two have a sweet but ultimately cringy reunion before Sailor V saves their worthless asses.

Durarara!!:  With Mikado’s status as Founder of the Dollars revealed, Seiji goes on a stabbing rampage again and luckily keeps stabbing the only people that don’t actually get hurt by it, this time being Celty. Celty’s about to go grim reaper on Seiji’s worthless ass before Mika Harima runs in and tells everyone she isn’t really Celty’s head, weirdly enough Mikado recognizes this right before she says anything somehow, like makes sense Celty realizes it’s not her head but Mikado has no frame of reference aside from knowing she was wearing Mika’s clothes which in her cover story would be explained by Celty’s head leeching off Mika’s dead body. But yeah despite Seiji spending 18 hours a day staring at Mika he apparently couldn’t tell either which really throws a wrench in his “power of love justifies indiscriminate murder” philosophy which amuses both Izaya and me. Mikado breaks down the craziness that’s just transpired what with the stalking, murder, incest, identity theft, actual theft, and stabbing and tries to put a positive spin on it in that Seiji and Mika are both fucking crazy and deserve each other but it’s a hard sell my dude. Izaya tells Mikado that he’s going to be an excitement junkie like him soon if he keeps ramping up life in this crazy city and Celty just kinda forgives Shinra for knowing where her head is without telling her and also plastic surgerizing a yandere girl to look like her and give her her name which seems a little weird for them to just punch each other and call it a wash when Shinra was arguably as yandere as Mika here and they still get unofficially married. Seiji tells Mika he doesn’t love her but because of all the shit she went through to literally mold herself into the object of his obsession he guess she can hang around until he gets the headless sex toy of his dreams so… happy ending I guess. Everyone in this town is fucking crazy and they forgive each other way too easily but for a show that swings back and forth between how fucked up people are and saying humanity is fundamentally pretty decent I guess that’s kind of the point.

[ginnyzero]

Getting Unstuck in Writing: A Case Study

There is an excellent little writing blog post running about on tumblr for writers who have gotten stuck in their stories and the first piece of advice is “Kill Someone” and the second is “what could go wrong?” And while the first piece of advice needs qualifying (thus I’m using an experimentallife’s qualifying post and not Danielle-writes’ first post), it’s not one I prefer. (The more characters I have, the more I can do later. Muhahahah.)

So, I want to talk about the second using an example, perhaps the best and most comedic example of “what could possibly go wrong” that I know about, The Emperor’s New Groove.

Boom baby!

The Emperor’s New Groove is a somewhat underrated buddy comedy of errors that Disney put out in the 2000s. (Not a good decade for Disney money wise when it came to animated movies.) Emperor Kuzco wants to build his summer home on a nice hilltop for his 18th birthday. Problem being that Pacha and his family already live there. Not that that matters to Kuzko, he’s having more of an issue with his Chief Advisor Yzma trying to do his job for him. So, he fires her and she decides to get her revenge using her henchman Kronk to help her. And that’s when things start to go wrong for both Kuzco and Yzma.

(This movie is almost 20 years old. If you haven’t seen it, there be spoilers ahead.)

In “getting her revenge”, I mean that Yzma decides to kill Kuzco over dinner. (Apparently despite Kuzko having his own chef, he still wants to eat dinner with Kronk and Yzma because Kronk’s spinach puffs are just that tasty?) Yzma has given Kronk a poison to kill Kuzco with and well, I mean, what can go wrong? That’s not something you want going wrong.

First, Kronk gets distracted and forgets what glass the poison is in. Then, it’s not actually poison at all but essence of llama! They gave Kuzco the wrong potion!

Yzma convinces Kronk to take Kuzko out of the city and “Finish the job.” So, Kronk sneaks out of the palace, manages to start the process of getting rid of Kuzko and…

He has a crisis of conscience.

Kronk isn’t a great henchman here. So, for Yzma, things go wrong when Kronk decides to save Kuzko. Yes, morally, Kronk switched sides on Yzma. Things go wrong for Kronk after a tumble when he loses Kuzko in the city market on the back of the cart of Pacha.

(Ahh, we had to get Pacha back in the story! He’s got a home on hilltop to save.)

Unwittingly Pacha takes the unconscious and turned into a llama, Kuzko, back home with him. This is when Kuzko wakes up to find his life has been ruined, he’s been turned into a llama, he’s out in the middle of the countryside with the peasant whose home he wants to destroy.

And that peasant won’t help Kuzko unless Kuzko changes his plans. This is bad for Kuzko. Convinced that Yzma will help him if he orders her to do so, Kuzko heads off into the jungle to get back to the palace. Then, things go wrong because he gets lost.

Kuzko meets a squirrel and instead of being nice to the squirrel he chases the squirrel off. He then runs into a bunch of jaguars. The good news is that they’re sleeping. The bad news is the squirrel is back and he has a balloon to pop. The squirrel pops the balloon and… it doesn’t wake the jaguars! But, Kuzko’s exclamation of triumph does. Things are going really wrong for Kuzko now as he is being chased by jaguars through the woods and ends up being trapped.

Then Pacha swings in on a vine to the rescue! Success.

Or. Not so much. If it could go wrong, it does go wrong. Pacha and Kuzko end up tied around a tree. That cracks and breaks and falls into a river. And still tied to the tree, they end up going over a huge waterfall. This knocks Kuzko out and Pacha has to revive him. Of course, this goes wrong as Kuzko wakes up at the worst possible time.

By now it’s dark and they need to sleep. During the night, Pacha does a small act of kindness to Kuzko that makes Kuzko appear to change his mind about building his summer home where Pacha lives. So, Pacha agrees to take Kuzko back to the palace. They get to a bridge and cross over and… Pacha falls through. Kuzko reveals that he was lying and goes on, but has to come back to gloat at Pacha. Then he falls through the bridge too. They have a childish fist fight while swinging from vines until the bridge gives away and the vines break and send them plummeting to their deaths to the river and alligators below. (Alligators? What are alligators doing in this movie?)

But phew, they manage to stop themselves and then have to figure out (with much bickering) how to work together. This being a comedy errors means that not even chimney walking up a cliff can go smoothly. They can’t figure out how to get the right amount of force so they aren’t bashing each other into walls. The ravine gets too wide. Pacha has to grab a vine rope that’s stuck to a tree, but the tree is home to scorpions. Kuzko starts to fall, but Pacha catches him but Kuzko ends up with his face in a cave where there are bats! Pacha pounds his back on the ravine wall to kill the scorpions but this wakes the bats and physics gets wonky and somehow they end up back on top of the ravine.

On the wrong side.

In that small scene from them at the bottom of the ravine to the top, there are seven instances of things going wrong. Seven!

And then things go really, really wrong for Pacha and Kuzko. Yzma figures out from Kronk that Kuzko isn’t actually dead! And the two take off into the jungle to try and find Kuzko! (Not that Kuzko and Pacha know this yet. But we had to get our villain and our heroes in the same place somehow!)

But, Yzma and Kronk aren’t having much luck. They can’t find Kuzko in any of the nearby villages. Pacha orders a rest and promptly loses her best shoes to muck. The squirrel turns up to give her some sympathy in form of a nut and like Kuzko she’s mean to him. This offends the squirrel and he goes to complain to Kronk. Kronk is sympathetic. He learns that the squirrel had seen Kuzko. Yzma is suddenly willing to be nice. But, the squirrel doesn’t want to talk to her. He’ll only talk to Kronk and only if Yzma is far away. The squirrel tells them which direction Kuzko went and they are back on the hunt.

Or, at least, until it’s time for lunch.

Kuzko fakes hypoglycemia in order to get Pacha to carry him and they also decide that they need to eat. But there is a problem, the restaurant doesn’t allow llamas! Kuzko insists on a quick ‘pretty woman’ drag disguise in order to get inside. At first, Pacha isn’t convinced but finds it funny when it actually works.

Kuzko doesn’t like the menu. So, he decides to have a word with the chef. As he’s talking to the increasingly irate cook, Yzma and Kronk arrive.

Yzma isn’t happy with the menu either. She also unhappy that they haven’t found Kuzko to kill him. Unfortunately for her, Pacha overhears. He goes into the kitchen and tries to tell him that they need to leave. Kuzko is still hungry and refuses to go. Things are going wrong for Pacha.

Yzma sends Kronk to the kitchen to complain about the menu. The cook gets pissed and quits leaving. Kronk immediately takes over. Yzma and Kuzko give Kronk conflicting orders about the same dish all the while not seeing each other. Pacha finally manages to get Kuzko alone to warn him about Yzma’s intentions.

Problem. Kuzko doesn’t believe him. He runs off after Yzma and Kronk, only to finally hear that Yzma does intend to kill him. Devastated, he tries to find Pacha and can’t.

Then it begins to rain. After a night in the cold and wet, Kuzko gives up and decides to really become a llama. He goes and finds other llamas and lo and behold, Pacha is talking to one of them about Kuzko. Things might be starting to go right. Kuzko and Pacha make up and agree to head back to the palace to turn Kuzko back into a man.

But first, they have to head to the house to get some supplies to shorten the trip.

And things go wrong, Kronk remembered Pacha being the peasant from the market during the night.  Yzma and Kronk have gotten to Pacha’s family before them. Yzma is having tea with Chicha and Kronk is doing jump rope with the kids. Pacha gets Chicha aside and explains quickly. Kuzko pops up to say hello and Chicha hits him with a frying pan. Chicha agrees to stall Yzma and Kronk so Kuzko and Pacha can have a head start.

Then things start to go really wrong for Yzma. Chicha offers to give her a tour of the house. They lock her in the bathroom. And after threats and a discussion about prepositions, Yzma orders Kronk to break down the door. He refuses. So she tries to break down the door. Only to have Chicha open it for her. Yzma slips on a polished floor (wait a minute, preindustrial here, okay, comedy, moving on), falls into a wheelbarrow, gets hit with honey and feathers and ends up flung into a place of a piñata that kids start hitting with sticks.

But she sees Pacha and Kuzko running off!

Not that Kronk seems in any hurry to get her down. He’s too busy laughing and talking about visiting Chicha again.

But Yzma and Kronk take off after Pacha and Kuzko. They come across another ravine. Pacha and Kuzko use a rope to get across and then cut it. But Yzma and Kronk are prepared and they try to fly across, but get hit by lightning and fall to the bottom.

So, Pacha and Kuzko get to the secret lab first. They pull the wrong lever. (Alligators, again, what are they doing here?) But then pull the correct one and end up in the lab where they find all the different potions. And the one to turn him into a man is missing.

Yzma has it. Things have gone wrong because she and Kronk have gotten there before them. (How, no one is quite sure, “by all accounts it doesn’t make sense.��)

Yzma orders Kronk to kill Pacha and Kuzko. But Kronk, again, has a crisis of conscience.  Yzma finally can’t stand it and insults him. Kronk switches sides and tries to take out Yzma by dropping a chandelier on her. Only, to have it fall directly around her and not hurt her at all. She drops him through a trap door and then summons the guard.

They manage to get Yzma to drop the vial of man potion. But she in turn knocks all the other potions to the floor and they’re all relatively the same color! Pacha and Kuzko gather up all the vials in Pacha’s poncho and run from the guard, only they drop some and change the guard into animals too! They keep running and try different vials to hilarious results.

They become trapped on a giant wall that has a huge face on it and find they have two vials left. One of them has to be the one to turn Kuzko back into a man. Before they can figure out which one, Yzma returns and fights them! One of the vials breaks and Yzma is turned into a kitten, and she has the other vial. Kuzko takes it. He’s about to drink it when Yzma attacks him in a kitten rage! Pacha tries to help but is knocked off the ledge by Yzma. He grabs onto another one below and encourages Kuzko to drink the potion. But somehow Yzma has taken it back. She tries to open it and can’t and it bounces away. She jumps after it unthinkingly and falls. The potion lands in a rather precarious position. But, Pacha is also in a precarious position about to fall off the round ledge he’s hanging onto.

Kuzko is faced with a choice, save the potion or save Pacha. Fortunately for his character arc, he saves Pacha.

But, the vial falls after Yzma.

But below, someone has set up a giant trampoline, so she bounces back upwards catching the potion. However, she hits part of the wall ledges and loses her grip on the vial and it bounces about.

Kuzko and Pacha use their skills of working together to get to the vial. But Yzma snatches it before they can. Then just as she declares she’s won, Kronk opens a door and smashes her into a wall. Pacha grabs the vial, Kuzko and Pacha hug and Kuzko finally takes the potion and turns back into a man.

In the end, Kuzko is shown to be a better Emperor and he still builds his new summer home, a small home on the hilltop next to Pacha’s.

So, the next time you’re stalled on a scene and need some inspiration about what could possibly go wrong, pop in the Emperor’s New Groove where the characters forget things, break things, get lost, mix things up, drop things, refuse to comply to orders, betray each other and pretty much if it can go wrong, it does go wrong up to the very, very end for both the good guys and the bad guys.

Squeak Squeakity, squeak, squeakun.

[rosesisupposes]

Destined, part 19

aka Loganberry?

Character Tags: Virgil/Anixety ; Patton/Creativity ; Patton/Morality ; Logan/Logic ; Remy/Sleep ; Dante/Deceit

Chapter Pairings: Platonic Moxiety, Logicality, Prinxiety

Chapter Warnings: Virgil Swears A Lot, Remy Is A Flirt, Allusion to kidnapping

Reader Tags: @residentanchor @royally-anxious @bewarethegrammarpolice   @fellowthomassandersfander @jemthebookworm @arandompasserby  @sparkly-rainbow-salt

Summary: After centuries of acting as an oracle to heroes, quest-seekers, and villains alike, Virgil just wants to live as a normal, modern human. For someone who can see infinite probabilities, you’d think he’d know better.

<<Chapter 18 | Masterlist | Chapter 20>>

read on ao3

It was a fine day, in Virgil’s opinion. The sun was out, the weather was crisp, and he’d woken up still happy with his newly-dyed hair. 

Upon his arrival to How You Brewin’, Remy had immediately latched onto his head and cooed praise over his amethyst locks. “YAASS BOI,  look at you discovering polychromatic hair! This is why you need to come to The Crypt, you would SLAY the dance floor and break all the hearts. You could follow in my glamorous footprints!”

“Glad you like it, Rem. Gonna have to pass on the danceclub heartbreak, though.”

“Fiiiine,” his boss sighed. “I’ll just have to tell them all to come here to have their hearts broken. There’s no way I’m sleeping on the business angle here, gurl. Broken heart equals party hard, it’s just math.”

Virgil flushed slightly. “I really think you’re giving me too much credit. People are not going to take one look at me and go head over heels.”

“It’s true, some might not. Not all of them can pull off heels as well as I can,” Remy nodded philosophically. “But for real, boi, look at you. You’ve got Roman, THE prettiest gay in this town, except for my lovely self of course...”

“Of course,” Virgil replied, straight-faced.

“And he was flirting with you the minute he walked through those doors! Face it. You’re hot, and it’s gonna make me money. Now go show Patton, he’ll flip if he doesn’t get to see his son’s new hair.”

Virgil went. He wasn’t sure if he was going to see Patton or running away from Remy, but either way, the bakery seemed like a safer place to be at this particular moment.

Patton was rolling out pastry when Virgil walked around the counter, but something seemed off. The pastry was stretched and too thin in some places, horribly bunched and thick in others, and the baker continued to roll without any seeming care to the inconsistencies.

“Good morning, dad.”

No response. Virgil was so surprised he almost walked into a bench. He carefully waved a hand in front of the baker’s face. “Pat? You okay, buddy?”

Patton finally noticed and snapped to attention. He smiled at Virgil, but it was overly wide and appeared strained. “Hey kiddo! I’m just fine and dandy! Just another day in the life as your happy-pappy Patton! Can I get you anything? Some snacks? A muffin? Let me know!”

“Patton. Something’s going on. What’s up?”

“The roof! Also the sky!”

Virgil groaned. “Patton, I know something is wrong. You’re not yourself today. You don’t need to pretend you’re okay if you’re not.”

The baker’s smile trembled. “Virgil, you sweet and sour shadowling, I appreciate your concern. I will be fine!”

“Pat-”

“That was a lie, nothing will ever be fine!” Patton suddenly burst out, diving at Virgil for a desperate hug.

“Hey, it’s okay, what’s wrong?”

“Love has failed me!” cried the baker’s muffled voice.

Virgil pulled Patton up from where the shorter man had lodged himself at his waist. “Pat, are you hurt? What happened?”

“Logan hasn’t texted me back!”

Virgil stared, trying to not roll his eyes. That was it? “Patton, I didn’t even know you had his number! How long has it been?”

Patton sniffed. “I got his number two days ago after you asked us for advice, and for a full day we were texting back and forth. He texts like he’s writing for a genetics journal, but he was responding so quickly until I asked if he wanted to go on a date tonight and he just stopped responding and now he’s avoiding the whole bakafé!”

“Okay, I’m aware I’m not the best at positive thinking, but don’t you think there are alternative explanations for this? Maybe he got called away on fieldwork, or had a family emergency. Or you asked him out, his brain went all ‘Windows Error.exe’ and he threw his phone into the sink.”

Patton looked at Virgil oddly. “Why would he do that to his phone? Is that something that happens normally?”

“Well, no, but I almost did that when Roman texted me the first time,” Virgil muttered, blushing.

“OhhHHHhh that is so cute!” Patton squealed, brightening. “You’re right, kiddo. I shouldn’t focus on only the worst possibilities. Thanks for taking care of your silly old dad.”

“Anytime, Padre. And you’re not silly, you’re just relentlessly positive. You know I appreciate that, except for when you’re covering up your own feelings. Did you need any help with the pastry before I go back to Remy?”

Patton finally noticed the mess on his bench. “Oh my powdered donuts! This is useless. Oh well, guess I’ll need to re-laminate and start again. I won’t keep you here for that, kiddo, it’s pretty tedious. You go take something from the hot case for yourself, though. You’re not avoiding Remy, are you?”

“I won’t be once he stops threatening to make money off my hair.”

Patton’s eyes suddenly flew up and widened. “VIRGE! YOUR HAIR! Congrats on the cool colorful crown!”

Virgil snickered. “Thanks, Pat. I thought you might appreciate it. And it’s all thanks to Talyn for their help with choosing a color and making it actually look good.”

“Hmm, the purple though… that gives me a peri-twinkling of an idea! The pastry dough will have to wait - I need to go bake something. Thank you again, Virgil. You’re my favorite son!”

After the lunch rush, Virgil wandered back to the bakery. Roman had the day off, so had yet to come in, and Virgil was bored.

Patton was putting the finishing touches on a new display of muffins. A chalk sign proclaimed these were a new variety of Jam-Packed Muffins, filled with a jelly that was a made from a hybrid fruit of blackberry and raspberry.

“‘Loganberry’ muffins? Wow, I am really feeling the cuteness welling up inside me. Or maybe that’s vomit,” Virgil drawled.

Patton just grinned. “That’s why I have the scientific name of the berries here as well. It’s not pandering if it’s science!”

“We both know it’s extra pandering if it’s science. Actually, has he come in yet? I haven’t seen him.”

Patton wouldn’t meet the other man’s eyes, instead fiddling with the sign and adding extra flourishes with his bright purple chalk. “I… haven’t seen him. Or gotten a text yet. Wouldn’t his phone be fixed by now, if that was the issue?”

“Pat, it’ll be okay - I’m still sure he’s not trying to turn you down. You didn’t see how nervous he was about talking to you. My whole first week here was a never-ending parade of watching him try to be subtle about checking you out. He’s just bad at words.”

Patton sighed, and smiled weakly. “You’re right. I’m trying to not worry.”

The café bell rang, and Virgil looked over at the door. His face lit up as he saw Roman rolling in, auburn hair mussed from the wind outside.

Patton giggled as Virgil practically sprinted back to the café counter.

“Hello, you,” Roman drawled. Virgil felt an involuntary shiver. It was just not fair how attractive this man was. Maybe Remy had a point - if someone as gorgeous as Roman was in any way attracted to him, maybe his looks weren’t as blah as he’d assumed.

“...hey,” he managed to squeak out. “So, uh. Does it still look okay in person? My hair, I mean?”

“It is positively iridescent, my delightful macchi-hot-to. Oh, also, can you you make macchiatos? I learned about this new drink that I’m just jazzed to try.”

“Yeah, macchiatos aren’t too bad. What did you want?”

“A jumbo, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, one quarter non-fat, extra hot caramel macchiato with 1 and a half shots decaf, 2 and a half regular, with whip, 2 packets of splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and 3 short sprinkles of cinnamon.”

Virgil just stared. “What the fuck, Ro. Where did you hear about this drink, a Top Ten Drinks to Make Baristas Hate You list?”

Roman grinned, then laughed outright. “How did you know? Ahhh, you caught me, I just wanted to see if I could order it with a straight face. Nah, I’ll just have another caramel surprise. That one’s my good luck charm, after all.”

Virgil blushed faintly as he smiled and started the drink that had started his flirtation with this incredible man.

“So, did you miss me this morning?” Roman asked, leaning over to watch Virgil’s deft hands go from steam wand to gasket, not spilling a drop of liquid. “Was the café gray and bereft without my signature charm and wit?”

“I wish you had been here this morning, Remy is threatening to all but marry me off to the highest bidder at the Crypt. He said that heartbreak is good for business?”

“I will defend your honor, dear Virgil, fear not,” Roman said, posing dramatically. “I will fight back the adoring, crazed hordes and also Remy, that tricky minx. You need no longer fear, Roman Augustus is here!”

The afternoon sun beating through the windows gilded Roman’s silhouette in golden light. Virgil suddenly had a burning urge to wear a dramatic ballgown and watch this man slay ogres in his name. All other thoughts and worries melted away as he gazed at the swoop of soft hair, the shine in his hazel eyes, the elegant curve of his arm and back…

“Virgil, I need your help!”

Patton’s voice, laced with nerves edging on fear, interrupted his reverie and Roman’s pose. Without a word they both immediately rushed to the bakery.

“Pat, what’s wrong?”

“Logan texted back.”

Roman’s eyebrows waggled. “Need some help composing the perfect romantic missive, Padre?”

“No, it’s… I don’t know, this might be just paranoid and crazy, but I don’t think Logan sent this text,” Patton said.

“Paranoid and crazy? Patton, stealing my thing, no big deal…” Virgil snarked, taking the offered phone from the baker’s hands. He did a double take as he looked at the screen.

Sent Yesterday Afternoon

Patton Corwan (Crumb On In): Hel-Lo! P: You know I always enjoy seeing you in the bakafé, but I’d like to see you outside of work, if you’d be interested. P: How does a pasta dinner tomorrow night sound, at that cute Italian place on Magnolia street? My treat :)

Just now

Logan ⚛️💙: A date night sounds so good! ⚛️💙: But :( I procrastinated some work I really need to get done. I’ll be at the office late tonight. ⚛️💙: Let’s take a rain check though, okay cutie? Love you!

Virgil frowned as he passed the phone to Roman. Eyebrows immediately vanished into auburn hair as the other man regarded the odd exchange.

“I’m no expert on this Mr. Abacus Finch of yours, but this seems rather out of character,” Roman commented. “Did he hit his head particularly hard? Or is someone else using his phone?”

Virgil felt his stomach drop at the hypothetical Roman mentioned. He’d seen this exact scenario, and hadn’t made the connection until now. CrapcrapcrapfuckfuckfuckSHIT not now! It’s only been two days, I’m not ready for Roman to already be dragged into this, he thought desperately. Why couldn’t that snake of a sorcerer wait just a little longer?

Roman caught his eye. “Hey, Hot Topic, did you suddenly apply more foundation or is something wrong?”

Virgil shook his head. “I… I don’t think Logan hit his head. Or at least, he didn’t hit his head and then also send this text.”

“You think someone else did? Do you think it’s…” Roman’s voice trailed off as he made a vague gesture that was clearly supposed to connote ‘evil’. It wasn’t one of his more elegant attempts, but given the circumstances, it was understandable.

Virgil nodded in response to the unfinished question. Roman gulped and looked down. “This is it, huh. Okay. I guess I’d better be ready then.”

Patton looked between them, gesturing at himself. “Guess who has ten fingers and is very confused! What is ‘it’? Do you know who texted me? Is Logan okay?”

“Pat, remember when I asked you for advice? That was about this, I think. Roman might be the best positioned of any of us to find Lo and make sure he’s safe.”

Patton looked nervous, but nodded determinedly. “What can I do to help?”

Roman looked at the phone again. “It seems to me that Mr. Steal Yo’ Boy is at Logan’s office. Or will be, after work hours. The bakafé closes soon, right?”

Virgil nodded. “We have less than an hour left ‘til close.”

“I think we can risk waiting to go over until then,” Roman said, checking his watch. “Plus, that’s when the sun starts going down. If Logan isn’t the one texting, but his phone is being used, I’m going to made a guess that this creep will need shadows to hide in.”

“We’re going to wait? What if Logan is in more danger? What do we do between now and then?” Patton wasn’t used to being this nervous, and he did not deal with it well. He was already shifting from foot to foot, eyeing the bakery door like he was considering dashing out at any moment.

Virgil put a hand on the baker’s shoulder. “Logan won’t be in any more danger an hour from now than he is at the moment. Trust me on this. If we go search for him randomly, we might miss him entirely. Until it’s dark, we’ll keep working. Pat, why don’t you show Roman how to help with edible decorations? He’s artistic and has a the sweet tooth of a five-year-old in a candy shop, he’ll be a natural.”

Roman gasped indignantly, a hand artfully splayed on his chest. “I do not act like a five-year old,” he said with a sniff. “I am at least seven, give me some credit.”

As they’d both hoped, Patton smiled weakly and led Roman around the counter. Both Virgil and Roman cared a lot about their gentle friend. Even if Roman had only occasionally met Logan, the scientist clearly made Patton happy.

No one should interfere with Patton being happy.

author’s note: I’d always thought that Logan’s question in Crofter’s The Musical was a joke, but it turns out there actually are such things are real loganberries: Rubus × loganobaccus. I learned something new because of this story, Logan would be so proud! You know. Wherever he is.

Corwan, Patton’s last name, is an old English name that means ‘friend of the heart’

Augustus, Roman’s last name, means regal, great ruler, etc. He’s royalty, we love him

Yes, that is the author’s note you get on this while you wait for the next chapter :)

[countcalebwrites]

My military experience Pt. 1

I wanted to travel and get the fuck outta Louisiana. My dad and my brother had air force experience. I figured I’d join them. So I called a recruiter and started the process. My mother was really angry.

Shit man. A lot of my cousins around where I was raised are drug dealers. I was a late teenager who was homeschooled that wanted to get away without tons of college debt. The military just seemed like the answer. So I went to the recruiter. Had to train for a few months and make sure I was able to run and be in shape.

My body and running don’t mix. I have an uneven natural balance and my feet are large (I wear size 17) and rigid with no shock support. When I run, my back my hips, and my feet hurt. A lot. I remember running one morning and trying to take all the pain I possibly could and then fainting on the side of the road. This one lady stopped her car and said “oh I thought you were dead”

Awkward.

Anyway, my physical shape was acceptable. I still couldn’t run but I hoped that’d fix itself somehow down the line. I had to focus on the other part: passing the test to get in in the first place. So eventually I got transferred to a base in New Orleans. I had my own hotel room! (that I ended up sharing with this navy dude but whatever) My memory a little hazy but I remember there was a waitress at the restaurant connected to the hotel, and while we were eating, the navy dude made a motion like he was sucking her boobs. I don’t know why I felt the need to share that detail, but yeah. She did have big boobs I guess.

Anyway, we go to the base to take the tests. I think first test I took was the ASVAB. Something like that. Just know it’s an air force assessment test. I had sinus issues and my nose kept running while I was taking the test so I took it slower than my peers I remember. I didn’t want anyone to see my nose running so I waited a bit so I could sneak out unseen and maybe get to the bathroom for some tissue. When I walked out, I instantly get handed the test and everyone is looking at me and the guy is like “nice young man you got an 84!” and everyones looking at me and clapping. Then someone is like “yeah we were waiting on you, about time”

I’m just trying to make sure no one is noticing my nose running the whole time.

Awkward.

I was happy with my score. I didn’t study for the test or anything and it was high enough to get me the job I wanted: Cyber Systems Operator. My main goal with the military was to get computer science experience for 4 years and go get a programming job or something.

Anyway, I had to do physical tests too. The recruiter kept saying don’t mention things you don’t need to mention or you’ll probably get sent home. I understood what he meant. We had to take a drug test. I remember going to the bathroom and this black dude was like yeah do your thing brotha. I was like aight…

I was pretty proud of myself that I was able to piss on command like that. One dude kept having to go back and drink water.

I also remember us getting our blood drawn for something. This one army dude who kept talking all tough was yelling and screaming when the nurse went to draw his blood. The nurse was like “Are you really…a grown man..afraid of getting your blood drawn?”

When it was my turn she said “I hope you not gonna cry like that last guy” lmao

I remember a doctor having to examine me and he asked if I had any birthmarks and I told him I have one near my chest. He asked to see it and I said I didn’t feel comfortable taking my clothes off for that. He looked really annoyed. Later I get the same doctor for another test where he has to feel my balls for something. So I told him “well since you know….we’ve gone this far…I guess I can show you my birthmark. And sorry.”

He told me it didn’t matter anymore and he understood my anxiety.

After all that, it turns out I was SPECIAL and had to go to a doctor who wasn’t on the base about my ears and my feet. So I had to stay in the hotel again then head to the appointments they set for me

My new roommate was an army guy. I didn’t really know much about him but he liked putting the TV on cartoon network. He didn’t seem like he wanted to kill people or anything. Just some white dude who said he wanted to be a cook or something, I don’t remember.

So anyway, I head off to my appointments. I first went to a doctor for my foot. I remember a really hot receptionist chick. I was like damn I wish I lived in New Orleans. I was afraid to make eye contact with her!!! I felt so adultish, filling out paperwork and etc on my own while being afraid of a hot receptionist chick. The doctor talked to me and the whole convo was basically I don’t know if your foot can handle it but hey, might as well try. I agreed.

The other doctor I saw cleaned my ears and things suddenly were louder to me. That blew my mind. I had never really been to an ear doctor before and I didn’t know that was possible.

Blah blah. I go back to the base. After I wait in the waiting room for like 8 HOURS I finally got to go back home. I’m not exaggerating 8 hours. I saw Gridiron Gang and some other movie and I played Halo. I remember when I was playing Halo there was a black chick next to me giving me advice. She was like “you gotta shoot them!!” and I was like “thank you for telling me that I have to shoot people. in this shooting game” She was kinda cute but her yelling was making me nervous which is why I was just like ok I’ll just put the TV back on movies.

So fast foward I end up going back to the New Orleans base months later and I got sworn in as a trainee! I remember this one fellow air force dude said the plot to Inception was bothering him a lot so I tried to explain it. I don’t think my analysis got through to him, but whatever. We get our plane tickets and all that shit. I remember one dude was like “Damn our souls basically belong to the government now” and I was thinking “wow kinda late to be thinking about that huh??”

Fast forward we on the plane. I didn’t get seated next to my fellow air force ppl. I sat by this white lady leaving New Orleans. She was really nice to me. I was kinda spooked by it. I was like “why is this white lady being so nice, she plottin some shit??”

She asked if I was a boy scout or something cause I walked in with a bunch of other teen boys and I was like “Nah we air force” etc. She told me “Thank you for your service” and I was like “well I didn’t really do anything yet ma’am haha” (and I wanted to say I’m doing this to make a better life for myself not for the country but whatever)

I got off and got on another plane in Texas. This plane had a lot more military ppl on it. I sat by this black dude from chicago. He told me I seem really chill, then he pointed at a dude in front of us and said “see that dude? He’s 18. And married.”

“what an idiot. I’ll fuck a girl but I ain’t about to marry her you know??”

I just kinda nodded and said something like “heh yea I’m not tryna do relationships right now, especially marriage tho”

Off the plane. And the whole atmosphere changed. I suddenly felt anxious. I was right to feel that way.

Suddenly people are yelling “GET ON THE BUS” and etc. I realized this is it. This is the start of training. I got on the bus. They explained a bunch of shit to us and told us to walk in the building. This training instructor kept yelling NIKE and I was like who that. And I had a nike shirt on. He was talking about me. Oh shit. I don’t really remember much stuff here but I remember getting yelled at a lot. Stuff like “get up the stairs you moron!” and etc. I later found out these verbal insults are scripted and I shouldn’t take them to heart.

After a bunch of brainwashing seminars and shit we get sent to our dorm. The training instructor who escorted us there was this white man and he swore a few times. Then he told us that if we like rap then we shouldn’t be offended by the swearing. I guess his logic made sense. I didn’t really care but yeah.

The next day we get our REAL training instructor. A black dude. Dude was ripped. And terrifying cause he seemed like he had mood swings. Another  scripted Training Instructor trait. We had to go get our underwear, uniforms, etc. I remember when I had to get my boots. They didn’t have any boots in 17. I was confused. and afraid. I just took a random pair and walked off and this one lady called me back and gave me a pair of 16s. They fit pretty decently. But I was late because of all that. So when I rejoined with the group, the instructor was like “and that’s how you cuff your pants” and I was like “shit. this is gonna come back to haunt me isn’t it??”

It did. I got yelled at for not having my pants cuffed properly several times.

Here’s another thing about my foot: I also can’t stand for long periods of time. I can walk around just fine. But standing in place hurts too. I get fidgety and shift my body to stop the pain. That got noticed by my instructor very quickly–he eventually pulled me aside and asked me what my problem was. I told him and he told me I should go to the doctor soon.

I went to the emergency room. These two chicks had basically graduated from training were there for something, don’t really remember. They asked what was wrong and I said my foot. They went “Awww” and I honestly didn’t know how to take it because there’s this kinda toxic masculine culture I picked up quickly in the military so I couldn’t tell if they were being sarcastic or really saying “aww poor you”

Anyway, I saw the doctor. He told me “hah, you’re fucked” after looking at my foot, which was turning blue. In those words. He asked where I was from and I told him. He mentioned the term “Coonass” that he picked up from when he was stationed in Louisiana. When I told him “coonass” is probably a racist term, he told me “whoa woops I didn’t know.”

He told me he liked me cause I was really laid back and jokey with him despite all what was going on and wrote a waiver saying I can sit or exclude myself from physical activity whenever I wanted.

Hell yeah! (Kinda)

I wasn’t going to be able to graduate with that waiver, so in the end, it was just a temporary relief thing.

I took a psych eval test somewhere in this week and it asked all kinda questions about mental state, suicide, depression, etc. I admitted I was depressed. It was very depressing being in this hostile environment with a foot that was preventing me from doing everything properly.

I later got called in by the psych eval people. I was really worried that saying I was depressed was gonna get me in trouble or something. Turns out I had left a question blank.

“Have you ever considered suicide?”

Well….damn. I think I spaced out when I saw that question. I told the truth. I did as a younger teen. (and I was getting close to there in this situation, because I felt like dead weight and my brain was going numb, but I wasn’t going to tell that psych eval dude that)

He asked why I didn’t do it and I told him because it would bring too much stress on my family. That was that. Back to my dorm. I had an appointment scheduled for my foot (a doctor that wasn’t an ER doctor). Somewhere in all that, I remember we had this speech by this Carl Winslow looking ass instructor. He walked in and said “Yo ass is grass, and I’m the lawnmower.”

My dad told me that quote a lot. I smiled because I finally realized where he got it from.

I didn’t smile after he told us that the government owns us and could sentence us to death if we don’t cooperate though.

Anyway, I remember going to church. You (kinda) have to go. You don’t HAVE to, but if you don’t, you gotta stay back in the dorm and clean up. I’d rather pretend to listen than do that. So yeah. There were two sessions. First session was this small study session or something. This lady put on this christian military music video and I found it a perfect time to nap a bit, as I was pretty sleep-deprived. I woke up and this dude was crying saying it was so touching to see the story of the troop guy coming home to his wife. I was like “yea dope or whatever” (I didn’t see it, as I slept)

After that, we got to the main part of the church. There were different kinds of services you could go to. Even wiccan! But I chose christian, cause I didn’t really want to stand out or anything. It was ALL PROPAGANDA.

Like extremely. The preacher said God wants you to go fight and God doesn’t like cowards. I was like “Alrighty then” and started tuning out anything after that. Whack ass shit.

Fast forward, got to go to my doctor’s appointment. The air force was coming off some type of sex abuse scandal, so the rule was: you can only travel in groups of 2 or more. You cannot travel alone. So I had a partner to come with me. I went to my doctor’s appointment and the doctor told me my foot issue will probably only get worse and I should probably seperate from the military unless I can somehow numb the pain. Damn. I walk out, and my wingman is gone. I was stranded at the damn’s doctor office for hours and I ended up missing lunch. Cool.

I remember calling the office for my dorm and explaining my situation. He kept saying “Trainee, where’s your wingman?” and I kept saying “I don’t know.” Then he said “”You are a waste of The USA’s resources. Goodbye.” and hang up. That kinda hurt my feelings lmao but the doctor near me told me “well it’s not your fault”

That was that. I got transferred to another dorm later. I’ll continue this another time and talk about what happened in that dorm and the end of my military career.

P2 here

[solace-seekers]

okay here’s a quick backstory for the army thing

this is francois, my pet dinosaur. somewhere around february/march of the school year i start dragging him around with my everywhere while at school. i’ve done this for the past three years. (his leash/harness thing is wrapped like that to keep the balance in the middle so he stays on his feet )

so francois has made a name for himself, hence my recreation of him in crochet form to give as gifts to my teachers

BUT today we had an academic, arts and athletic signing for seniors and because i’m summa cum laude i was in the academic signing thingy. and they had a little excerpt from my math teacher about my accomplishments or whatever

and my teacher mentions how i’m the only student she’s met that has a pet dinosaur. and i saw a golden opportunity

so i reached under the table and got francois from the floor and got to hold him up to the entire senior class plus whoever else showed up while the principal finished the little blurb about me and some people went insane it was so funny

and my friends mom got a video of it and you can see the parents of the kid next to me looking at it in just. confusion

hands down the best legacy i can hope to leave and it’s centered around a $1 plastic dinosaur that i randomly decided to put on a leash

[hrrytomlinson]

hiiii, here are a bunch of fics I’ve enjoyed and loved reading throughout the month of february. I recommend that you read these great fics in march, if you haven’t already. there are SO many good and unique AUs this round, so please check them out!!

(all fics with a star are my favorites and if there are two stars then it was a favorite favorite)

1. Saved Tonight (30k)**

Harry is the world's most persistent seduction-baker, a questionable dog-sitter, and Louis's biggest fan. Louis hasn't written in years, is trying to pass loneliness off as cynicism, and absolutely hates his fans. It's probably destiny.

2. Too Real to Fake It (82k)*

With seven years of blissful marriage behind them and four wonderfully unique kids to brag about, Harry and Louis seem to finally have life all figured out and under control. How much more real could it get?

Very real it turns out, when Harry reluctantly leaves home for a 5 day business trip leaving Louis to manage their rambunctious, hyperactive household. Do they really have it all under control or are they just faking it?

Featuring all the usual suspects, inside jokes, embarrassing moments and of course, Harry and Louis' wild antics + the addition of their four equally wild and outrageous kids.

3. When You Look Like That (16k)*

“You… you still have the dress form I got you for your eighteenth birthday? You've kept it for ten years, Harry?” Louis’ eyes flick around Harry’s studio. It’s big and modern, with floor to ceiling windows that help flood the room in bright sunlight, just like the lobby. However, he can't stop staring at the faded, but present, heart surrounding the “H + L” written delicately in Louis’ handwriting in the center of the mannequin.

Louis is a songwriter who is nominated for a Grammy and he needs a suit. Fast. He seeks out help from a very popular, very mysterious designer who just so happens to be his ex-boyfriend.

4. Dress You Up In My Love (103k)**

Harry is single, and more than anything wants to find love. Agreeing to sign up to a dating website was a bad, bad idea. Niall's bad, bad idea. Louis is single, but has no interest in relationships. Or so he tells himself. 

Harry is a lawyer whose boss, Nick, happens to give him a bonus, which he decides to splurge on a new work wardrobe. Louis is a frustrated designer, working as a personal shopper at Selfridges. Louis happens to be working on the day a very beautiful, but out of his depth, new customer ambles into their department in need of advice. Louis might have just found the muse he never knew he was looking for.

5. Of Honey (24k)*

Harry wants what most hybrids don’t have. Love, for instance. Companionship. Understanding. And sex so good it hurts.

6. If You Keep Holding Me This Way (22k)**

Harry is a uni student who just so happens to enjoy dressing up as a long-haired androgynous sub persona to go out to bars and pick up men to dominate him. He tries to keep his BDSM life and his personal one separated, but that gets difficult when his crush on a classmate gets serious and his two worlds collide.

7. Then We Talk Slow (20k)**

The picture showed Harry smiling widely (with a fucking dimple) at the camera, his glossy brown curls situated artfully around his shoulders. Louis couldn’t see his whole outfit, but it seemed to consist of a pink, floral button-up with most of the buttons undone. Louis could also detect the dark outlines of tattoos on his chest, although he couldn’t quite make out what they were underneath the shirt.

What he could make out was that his own heartrate seemed to have picked up significantly.

Shit.

This was so not good. Not only had Louis drunkenly sent messages in a deliberate attempt to interact with this man, he was now insanely attracted to him without ever having met him in person.

Maybe Liam was right – drunk tweeting really was a horrible, rotten idea.

A famous/non-famous AU in which Louis banters back and forth with his new record company on Twitter, only to find out that Harry is the man behind the tweets.

8. Love Endless (The Road to Recollection) (171k)**

The year is groovy 1973, and eighteen-year-old Louis Tomlinson is as gay as the rainbows that never waste their time in gloomy ole' Fortwright. Would be fine if he wasn't so viciously bullied at both home and school for such a "harmful" sexual preference.

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard this story, haven't we?

Believe him, Louis didn't think he was anything special either.

Until he found the mansion. The notoriously haunted mansion hidden deep within the forests of his tiny blip of a town in Bumfuck Nowhere, Idaho. No one with a brain ever goes near it, but Louis could use a little excitement in his life...and possibly a Band-Aid or two.

After discovering the mansion was less abandoned than he'd thought, he's now left with the most riveting mystery of a lifetime; every new finding leaving him with more questions. Who is this elusive owner, and why won't they show themselves? Why is there a set of journals in the same handwriting that span over centuries? Why in the world is there a padlock on the refrigerator...and who the hell is Alexander?

9. Dance Me (to the End of Love) (19k)*

You would think that it's a simple process - you meet, you fall in love, you get married. But when you add one lawyer and one overly-competitive high school teacher to that equation, it's no longer a straight line from beginning to end. Or the story of how a simple proposal becomes a competition where no one loses in the end.

10. For a Spell That Can’t be Broken (8k)

“Why do you have to bug him so much, Lou?” Niall asked, chewing on the sleeve of his Gryffindor robes. “He’s a good kid.”

“I’m aware of that,” Louis argued petulantly.

“Are you sure?” Niall asked, his expression sincerely concerned.

“Don’t mind him,” Zayn spoke up. “Louis’ just got a weird fetish for tormenting boys he likes.”

Or a Harry Potter AU where Louis' got a secret crush on Harry and won't admit it until a late entrance into potions class outs him.

11. Cocoons and Crow’s Nests (10k)*

Harry is happy to live his life in the confines of his Cocoon. Louis specializes in breaking down barriers.

It's a young love, coming of age Larry Stylinson one shot.

12. Dance Like Warriors On A Battlefield (20k)*

Down in the arena, the triumphant gladiator places his foot on the back of the loser, holding him there as he waits for instruction on his next move. Kill or let live. It’s barbaric, really, the bloodlust involved in this sport. Louis is pretty sure that if it wasn’t for his distaste for the killing there would be a lot more blood soaking that sand.

As it is, his father rarely gives the kill order anymore. He gives the order to let the loser live. Louis rolls his eyes, turning away. He doesn’t miss the way the gladiator’s eyes linger on him.

13. Record Your Fate (and Write Me In) (13k)*

Harry is the Archivist, it's his job to record what happens in the universe.

He's only a few days into the job when things take an odd turn.

Suddenly, the small blue eyed boy seems more important than writing about crowning dignitaries.

14. Tangled Up in You (45k)

Harry blinks once. And blinks again. And says, his voice dangerous: “Niall, did you get me a mail-order bride?”

Because what the actual fuck. It kind of looks like Niall’s just purchased a person. For Harry.

“What did you get me, then?!” Niall must hear the tinge of hysteria in his voice, because he’s pulling himself together, trying to stop himself from laughing.

There’s still a big grin on his face, though, when he says, “I got you a professional cuddler.”

A professional…what. “What?”

15. This Ain't Just a Thing That You Give Up (34k)

Harry turned to Liam to whisper something about not being in Kansas anymore but his best friend was frozen to his spot with a look of complete disbelief on his face. Harry looked to his right, the direction Liam seemed to be focused on, and saw a small group of people who had paused their discussion to look towards him in confusion.

A small group including Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson.

Harry is fairly sure his jaw actually dropped.

"Li, is that...?"

Liam nods his head emphatically. "I'm about 110% sure that yes. It is."

Or… The one where Harry is a baker in addition to being a college student who just happens to meet the crazy famous Louis Tomlinson while on spring break. Featuring personal assistant!niall, roommate and best friend!liam, and costar/model!zayn.

16. Resist Everything Except Temptation (100k)**

The lethargic sound of heels clicking against wood resonated across the sea. Footsteps descended the staircase, every assured step creating a menacing aura as it grew closer. Perspiration gathered along Louis’ palms as the rhythmic sound halted in front of him.

There was a metallic slide of a sword being pulled out of its sheath, the sound startling Louis out of his cocoon of sterile shock. His shoulders jumped as the tip of a blade flattened underneath his jaw. Louis’ distorted reflection stared back at him in the polished metal. Engraved rose petals twisted his appearance as they crawled up the length of the sword. The sword lifted and took Louis’ chin with it.

Standing in front of Louis was Captain Styles.

OR The one where Louis is the commodore's son who is forced to become a part of Harry's crew when he is captured.

17. Far Afield (11k)**

Harry Styles is a witch who owns the best flower shop in Manchester. Lottie Tomlinson is planning her wedding, and brings her brother along to her first appointment. Both men have been having a bad day and sparks fly.

18. You’re Either In Or You’re Out (12k)

Louis' tone is maybe a bit harsher than necessary, but he still stinging from the suggestion that he was staring at Harry. Sure, the way his legs are encased in those skinny jeans is mildly intriguing. But Louis is here to be the next Top Designer, and he'll be damned if he lets a pretty boy with a sinful mouth get in the way of his dream. Especially if that sinful mouth is spewing phrases like bohemian pantsuit. Honestly.

Or the one where Louis tries out for Project Runway, Harry is his stupidly gorgeous competitor, Liam is Tim Gunn, Zayn is the supermodel host, and Niall is the guest judge who knows nothing about fashion.

19. These Bountiful Silences (123k)**

They live in a world where they can only say four words per day. Harry meets some people that don't want to live that way.

20. Kiss the Boys (8k)

“Being able to blatantly kiss pretty boys out in the open is my favorite part of Pride,” Harry says without preamble, leaning into Louis’ space, inviting pink lips quirking up as they get closer to him. “You up for it?”

“Um,” Louis glances at Zayn for help. He’d thought for sure after the way he’d just seen Zayn and Harry kissing, there had to be something more going on there. The last thing Louis expects to see on Zayn’s face is a knowing grin.

Harry leans closer and for a split-second, Louis wants to meet him halfway but then he thinks better of it. He doesn’t know the landscape here and in just a couple of weeks living with him, he’s already learned that Zayn is really bad about holding his feelings in. He doesn’t want to risk stepping on the toes of his closest friend here at Uni. So, at the last second, Louis raises his empty hand and covers Harry’s mouth before the boy can complete his mission.

“Sorry, Curly,” Louis says jokingly, “I just don’t know where that mouth has been.”

21. Manhattan From The Sky (47k)**

Harry's been raised to know that successful men do not fall in love. Louis believes that love is all you need to be successful in life. They meet.

[tako-kola]

An Unbreakable Bond

A Splatoon OC Fanfiction written by yours truely

Dewey, Maye, and Marina belongs to me.

Coral (mentioned) belongs to @splattoomy

Olivia (mentioned) belongs to @sharkray24

((On April 20th, Maye and Dewey turns 18 years old. On a special day like this, Dewey has been turned down by his crush. But he won't be sad for long, because he'll be running into a close childhood friend of his.))

"Cheer up, Dew.. There's plenty of fish in the sea.." Maye placed a hand on her twin brother's shoulder. Today is their 18th birthday and Dewey was sitting on the bench, feeling empty inside. Maye was trying her best to comfort him.

If only it was that easy..." Dewey didn't bother to look, directly at Maye. He stared down at the ground, not wanting everyone to see him at this state. About a few hours ago, Dewey was feeling confident enough to confess his love to Coral. His crush. Once he approached to her, Dewey blurted out his confession to her. After what feels like an eternity, Coral just giggled at his attempt. That's the moment where Dewey's heart, sank to the ground. Coral just rejected him with a kind smile. It was perfectly clear that she's not interested in him. Dewey felt so helpless and foolish, right about now.

Dewey kept silent until he finally looked up at Maye. He could see the corncern in her eyes. "Maye.. I appreciate you, cheering me up.. But, it's not enough to fill the hole in my heart.." He said, weakly. "Can you give me some time, alone? I'll catch up with you, later.." He just needed some space and think about his rejection.

Maye frowned at her brother until she sighed. She removed her hand from his shoulder and backed away. "Okay.. Don't be late, mister. Otherwise, I'll have to carry you back to home." And with that, Maye left him alone to himself.

Today has been such a bad start for his 18th birthday. He'd have the urge to cry, but crying isn't going to solve anything. Dewey would think about his udder rejection, but he'd somehow remembered what Fynn said.

("Rejection can take a heavy turn. If I were you, I'd move on and learn from it.") Those were the exact words from Fynn when he mentioned about giving up on his crush on Marie. Dewey had taken his advice, but forgetten all about it for 5 months.

"Tch... This isn't like me at all.." Dewey got up from his seat. He was no longer heartbroken, but filled with determination. "I, Dewey Isaac Berri won't just mope on some silly rejection." Dewey happily, stood proud. Maybe, a little too proud. He can finally catch up to Maye at the train station. The party doesn't start until 8 pm and Fynn and Angela were bringing the food and drinks to his mother, June Berri. Not to mention Maye's girlfriend, Olivia coming over to present Maye with a fantastic portrait.

Before he could catch up to Dewey, he heard some loud footsteps. Followed by a loud shriek from behind.

"L-Look out!!" A female voice filled Dewey's ears and the footsteps were getting closer and closer until... SMACK! Dewey collided with the poor inkling and feel onto the concrete ground. Tons of papers were flying all over the place, when the girl had crashed into him.

Dewey winced a bit after the massive impact. He was about to get up, but there was something large and soft in the way. Dewey was having a hard time to figure out, but he realised what's in front of him. Dewey blushed when he was greeted by a slightly large pair of mammaries in his direction.

"O-Owie..." The tall inkling winced as well. She looked down to see the pink inkling under her. She panicked due to being a Giant Squid. "Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry!!!" She quickly got off of him. In her appearance, she has a pair of star-shaped contact lenses. And her tentacle was wavy and flowing down like a waterfall.

Dewey was able to get up. He stood on his feet and stared up at the tall inkling. He was a bit shorter than the young lady. If he would've guess her height, she is about 6'2 inches tall.

He'd soon notice the amount of papers that were scattered on the floor. The girl had dropped all of them, during the collision. "It's fine.. Let me help you with your papers." Dewey knelt down to gather up her papers.

"I was in a rush to catch my train.. Sorry, I bumped into you.." She knelt down as well. She was able to get the rest of her papers while Dewey gathered, a few.

Dewey was almost about to pick up the last paper, until he felt a hand. It was the blue inkling's hand. Dewey was startled, a bit by the touch. He stared into her eyes. There was something familiar about her and Dewey couldn't put his finger on it.

She had her hand on the last paper and she stared back at him with curiousness. She wouldn't mind the awkward silence between the two, but she could try to say something.

During their short staring contenst, he'd soon notice the shell earrings. Those were the same earrings that Dewey gave to his childhood best friend, 8 years ago. He let's out a small gas of shock and excitement. "Rinny...?! Is that really you..?!" Dewey's jaw went slack. The name, Rinny was a childhood pet name that Dewey came up with. His childhood friend's actual name is Marina Starling.

"Wait.. how..?" Marina squinted, a bit to get a closer look at him. She can recognize the birthmark under Dewey's right eye bu now. After several seconds of silence, Marina's eyes went as wide as pearls. She brought her other hand to her mouth in surprise. "N-No way..!! D-Dewey..?!" She cried.

Then, she squealed in joy and pounced on him. She wrapped her arms around Dewey in a tight and loving embracing. "I can't, it's you!! It's been ages!!" She cried out, loudly enough for the other citizens could hear.

Dewey can feel the warmth against Marina's body. He would hug back, but he could barely move. Or breathe.

"Nnng.. R-Rinny.. you're crushing me..." He was gasping for air due to Marina's vicegrip. Marina heard his plead and she lossed the hug, letting him breathe for sweet air.

"Oh cod, I'm so sorry..! I couldn't help it.." She is always apologetic towards people. It's in her nature to do so. "Are you alright? I didn't squish you too hard, did I?" She asked with a concern look on her face.

"No.. I'm fine." He said, gasping for more air. He knew, she was able to crush the life out of someone. Marina is a hugger, after all. "So, how are you today? I haven't heard from you, since we were kids." He straightened up his vest.

"Oh! I've been doing well! I've living in Inkopolis Square for almost a decade now. So, what about you?" Marina is eager to hear what Dewey's been up, lately.

"Just plain old high school. I'm still a senior and half-way there til' graduation." High school had been pretty rough on Dewey. He's one of the honor students and able to enroll in one of the finest colleges in Inkopolis. The senior projects were stressful, enough.

Marina got up on her feet, once again and helped Dewey up. "As long as you're hanging in there, champ~!" Marina smiled. She's so happy to see Dewey again, but hasn't noticed that she was running to catch the train.

"It was good meeting you, again. I was about to catch up with Maye.. Otherwise, she'll drag me to the train." Typical Maye. His twin sister would never take no for an answer.

Marina had realized that she was still running late. "Oh my gosh!! I'm still running late!!" She cried. She was about to hurry, until she saw a bunch a papers on the floor again. She dropped them again after she glomped on her childhood friend. She stared at Dewey and chuckled, nervously. "But first, we need to gather up my papers.. again."

Dewey lets out a sigh and got back to picking up her papers. "You are such a handful, y'know that?" Some things never change between the unbreakable bond.

Meanwhile, Maye was on her way to get Dewey. Dewey had been testing her patience, one too many times. Maye had taken the same path that she left Dewey behind for a few minutes. "Stuborn brother..." She mumbled to herself. Maye really meant her word about dragging him to the train station if he likes it or not.

Dewey scanned the rest of Marina's papers. It appears to be flyers for a junior singing competition. "Come on, come all to the 1st Annual Junior Singers Competition.." He read the flyer and looked at Marina with an intrigued look on his face. "So, that's you were in a rush?" He asked.

"Mmhm! I was running an errand from the owner of a music store in Inkopolis Square. I took the train to the printing shop to make copies. After I was done, I realized that I was going to miss my ride.. Well, that's when I crashed into you.." She smiled, sheepishly. "Anyway, what's going on with you?" She asked, moving closer to him.

Dewey's smile would soon disappear. He looked down on the ground, not meeting her gaze. "It's nothing.." He lied.

Marina looked concern. Something seemed very troubling for Dewey. "That doesn't look like nothing to me.. Now, tell me what's been troubling you?" They both slowed down their pace for a minute. Marina wouldn't mind listening to their problems during work hours. She's like the mother, they never had.

Dewey didn't know where to start, but he decided to get this off his chest. He explained about his crush, Coral and how she rejected him. His twin sister cheered him up, but it was enough. "I felt so stupid.. She doesn't like me, like I like her.." He self-loathed, thinking about what happened earlier.

"Oh, dear.. You poor thing.." She brought her hand to her mouth, even more concerned. Who would've thought that crush of his would be so cruel to him. Suddenly, she pulled him into a warm hug. She didn't crush him this time.

Surprised, he looked up into Marina's eyes. "Marina.. I..." He began to say, but Marina interrupted him with a silent "shhhhh..."

"It's going to be alright.. I'm always here for you..." Her soothing tone made Dewey relaxed. Despite of Dewey being shorter than her, he nuzzled against her chest.

"Thanks, Marina.. I'll be fine.." Dewey felt whole, again. The hug felt like an eternity between the two squids. By the time they let go, they turned to see Maye in their point-of-view. Maye had been standing there, motionless for 5 seconds.

"Oh, dear.." He sighed, waving a hand at Maye. "Hey, sis." And the concludes their heart-warming moment between the two.

After a few more minutes of trying to snap Maye back to reality, they were all walking to the train station. Maye had already recognized Marina, after their childhood. The girls were chatting, while Dewey is checking the time. They still have time before the birthday party.

"So, both of ya'll are turning 18 on your birthdays? That's great!" Marina wished, she had a special present for them. But it was too much to ask. "So, are you throwing a party?"

Maye nodded, enthusiastically. "Mom, Fynn, and Angie are hosting a little get-together. Nothing big or special. I'm also inviting my super-artsy girlfriend over, since she's living upstairs~!" Maye couldn't wait to see Oliva's birthday gift. Suddenly, Maye smirked at the two. "You should come, as well. Dewey needed some alone time with you, if you catch my drift~" She winked before giggling.

"M-Maye!!" He said, mortified. His blush increased when Maye mentioned something more intimate.

Marina blushed, slightly until she began to giggle. "Hehee~ I would go, but.." She trailed off her sentence. "I've got a busy night to help with my boss with the flyers." So much for spending plenty of time with Dewey.

"Awww..." Disappointed, Maye understood her priorities. It would've been a complete bummer for Dewey. Sooner or later, they made it to the train station. The trip to Flounder Heights was a 20-25 minute ride. Marina's train ride was longer than theirs.

"Well, we must be off. Mom would worry us if we don't make it." He said, spotting their only chance of getting back home. He turned to Marina and smiled. "It was nice meeting you, Marina. I hope, you'll see each other without bumping into one another."

Marina smiled. She's happy to see Dewey's usual self, once again. "Likewise!" Marina also handed out 2 flyers for the Berri Twins. Followed by Marina's phone number on Dewey's flyer. "If you want, come and visit the singers competition at the Starfish Mainstage! They've got free food and drinks~♪" She chimed, happily.

Dewey noticed the phone number on his flyer. He chuckled, a bit and nodded. "I'll be there." He gave her a thumbs up as a sign of grattitude.

"There's one more thing, before you go.." Marina walked closer to him. Her blush is awfully noticable. Then, she knelt down to Dewey's level and kissed him on the cheek. "Happy Birthday, Dewey.." She whispered into his ear, causing him to fluster a lot.

Maye seemed happily surprised by this. She knew, Dewey would find love at some point. And he doesn't mind, at all.

"Th-Thanks.. L-Let's go home, Maye.." He titled his classic boater down, not letting anyone see his adorbably flushed face.

"Bye-bye~! I'll save you some cake after this~!" Maye said her goodbyes and caught up with Dewey. She can't wait to tell her mom and teammates about this.

Marina waved back at them with a kind smile. Now that they left to catch the train, Marina was all to herself until her train arrives. No matter how bad their separation turned out to be, their bond remains unbreakable for years to come.

And finally, Marina's train arrived.

THE END

[emospritelet]

37. “Can you just shut up for five minutes?” for Outsider

A fic based entirely on prompts from this post.

AO3 link

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9][Part 10] [Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14] [Part 15] [Part 16] [Part 17] [Part 18] [Part 19] [Part 20] [Part 21] [Part 22] [Part 23] [Part 24] [Part 25] [Part 26] [Part 27] [Part 28] [Part 29] [Part 30] [Part 31]

Gold could sense when Belle was waking up.  He had been seated by her bed for what felt like hours, leaving only to use the bathroom or fetch another cup of the revolting coffee.  She had lain motionless all that time, the heart monitor beeping away to the side.  The first hints that she was stirring came with a parting of lips, a slight hitch to her breathing, and a flicker of movement beneath her eyelids.  Gold gently pressed her fingers with his, and her lashes fluttered, her eyes opening.  He let out a breath, pressing her hand to his lips, and she gazed at him, confused and sleepy.

“Belle,” he almost wept.  “Oh, Belle!”

She licked her lips, blinking again.

“Where…” she asked, and he kissed her hand again.

“You’re in hospital,” he said.  “You were shot, do you remember?”

“Shot…”  She swallowed hard.  “Yes.  What happened?”

She tried to move, and her face twisted with pain.

“Shit!” she gasped.

“Stay still,” he said urgently.  “Let me fetch the doctor.  He can give you some pain relief, and we can see about getting you out of here, okay?”

She nodded, panting a little with the pain as she settled back.  Gold pushed himself to his feet, stiff from the hours of sitting there, and strode from the room.

After asking a few of the staff, it turned out that Dr Whale had gone home, which Gold supposed wasn’t unreasonable.  Instead a short, mousy-haired, nervous-looking man called Jekyll attended Belle, asked her a few questions about allergies and administered some pain relief.  Gold watched anxiously as the medication started to take effect, and she sent him a relieved, tired smile.

“I want to take her home,” said Gold quietly, and Jekyll blinked at him.

“Oh no!” he said.  “No, no, no!  She can’t leave for at least another day or two!”

“That’s unacceptable,” said Gold, his tone flat.  “There are hospitals in Maine, surely she can be transferred there?”

Jekyll raised his chin to meet Gold’s cold stare, although his lip wobbled.

“Your wife has suffered a gunshot wound to the chest, a collapsed lung and severe blood loss, from which it will take her weeks to fully recover,” he said sternly.  “If you decide to move her to Maine, against my express advice, I won’t be held responsible!”

Gold sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, but nodded.

“Very well,” he said quietly.  “Give her whatever she needs, Doctor.”

Jekyll sniffed, turning back to Belle.

“I’ll be along to check on you later, Mrs Gold,” he said.  “You just relax, now.”

Belle had wrinkled her brows at his words, but nodded, and he scurried out, white coat flapping.  She gave Gold a wry look.

“Mrs Gold?” she asked, and he sat down beside her again.

“It’s family only,” he explained.  “It was the only way they’d let me in here.  I’m sorry, I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Oh, it’s okay, I like it,” she said, blushing a little, and he grinned at her.

“Well, I’ll have to remember that,” he said.

“Has - has anything been said about what happened?” she asked, and he shrugged.

“I don’t know.  The police came.  I gave them some bullshit about a robbery on the road, but they’ll be back at some point, I expect.”

“Which is why you wanted me out of here,” she sighed, and he shook his head.

“No matter.  I can deal with them.  You just concentrate on getting better.”

Belle smiled, reaching up to cup his cheek.

“You look tired,” she said, thumb stroking over his stubble.  “And you need to shave.  Why don’t you go and get some sleep?  Find a hotel.  You heard the doctor, I’ll be in here another day or two.  You can’t stay awake all that time.”

“Oh, you think so?” he said wryly, and she gave him a knowing look.

“Okay, but I’m telling you you’re not allowed to stay awake all that time,” she said severely.  “You need to be rested to deal with the police, if they come back.”

“They’re idiots,” he said dismissively.  “But you’re right, I suppose.”

“Good.  Now kiss me.”

He bent to press his lips against hers, a gentle kiss, and pulled back.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he promised, and she smiled and nodded.

He didn’t find a hotel straight away, but instead drove out to where he and Belle had previously parked the car, near Maurice’s complex.  As he had suspected, there were police vehicles outside, parked to block any vehicles from leaving.  Gold spotted at least six officers, which meant there were probably more inside.  They would be wanting to question him again, no doubt.  Mouth twisting in irritation, he turned the car around to head back into Phoenix.

He found a decent hotel near the hospital, and showered and shaved.  It felt good to finally scrub the blood and dirt from himself, and he stood in the shower for a long time.  Afterwards he wrapped a towel around his waist and sat on the edge of the bed, taking out his phone to call Jefferson.

“Oh thank God you’re alive!” were the first words out of his mouth, almost before Gold had a chance to say hello.  “Have you seen the news?  It’s everywhere!  The police have raided this place out near Phoenix, and they’re saying there was a massacre!  I thought it must be you!”

“It was me,” said Gold dryly.  “But…”

“But I called Ella and she said that if anyone could make it out of a certain death trap it’d be you and so I was hoping you’d call.  Did the device work?”

“Yes,” said Gold.  “It was…”

“Oh, thank God!  I mean not that I thought it wouldn’t, I know how good I am, but…”

“Could you just shut up for five minutes?” snapped Gold.  “Belle’s been shot!”

There was silence for a moment.

“Bluebell?” said Jefferson worriedly.  “Is - is she gonna be okay?”

“Yes,” sighed Gold.  “I think so.  She was shot in the chest, but the doctor says she can leave in a couple of days.  Did Ella say anything about the passport and ID I asked for?”

“ID’s ready,” said Jefferson promptly.  “Passport’ll take a little longer.”

“Fine.  Tell her to hold onto them.  What about the evidence?”

“All over the news,” he said proudly.  “There are calls for a full investigation.  There are politicians trying to calm everything down and say there’s no proof of anything, but the internet makes these things take on a life of their own.”

“Good,” said Gold, rubbing an eye tiredly.  “That’s good.”

“So you’ll be back in a few days?” asked Jefferson.

“Perhaps.  We’ll leave as soon as we can.  I’ll be in touch.”

“Okay,” said Jefferson.  “Give her my love.”

“I will.”

Gold hung up, rubbing his hands over his face.  A few hours sleep.  That was all he needed.

Five hours later he was dressed and on his way back to the hospital, feeling refreshed.  He stopped to pick up some cupcakes on the way, thinking that Belle would enjoy them, and a large bouquet of roses, the same blood red as the shirt he wore.  Box of cakes tucked under his arm, he made his way through the hospital corridors to Belle’s room, and hesitated only briefly when he saw a man and woman in plain suits standing outside.  Feds.  Pretending he hadn’t noticed them, he made to enter the room.

“Mr Gold, is it?” asked one of them, a lean man with blue eyes and stubble that was too even to be anything but intentional.  Gold gave him a tiny smile.

“That’s right.”

The man showed his badge.

“I’m Agent Humbert,” he said, and gestured to the other, a small woman with a shiny black ponytail who was looking at him coldly.  “This is Agent Fa.  FBI.  Might we have a word?”

“Is this about my wife?” asked Gold, gesturing with the bunch of roses.  “I was about to take these to her.”

“Yes, it’s about that,” said Agent Fa.  “Give her the flowers, by all means.  We’ll wait.”

Gold’s smile widened, and he nodded, pushing open the door and going inside.  Belle looked up with a smile as he entered.

“Oh, you look much better!” she said.  “Are those for me?  They’re beautiful!”

Gold placed the roses in front of her, and she lifted them up to breathe in their scent.  He placed the box of cupcakes on her lap.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, and she pulled a face.

“A bit woozy,” she admitted.  “But the meds help with the pain, so I guess it’s a fair trade.”

“I’ll get you home as soon as I can,” he promised, and she nodded, her face suddenly serious.

“Good,” she said.  “Because I think we have a lot to talk about, and I don’t want to do it here.”

“Agreed,” he said heavily, and glanced at the door.  “The FBI are here.  They want to question me.  Have they spoken to you?”

Belle shook her head.

“Not yet.  They wanted to, but Dr Jekyll shooed them out like he was herding chickens.”

Gold grunted in amusement.

“Remind me to thank him,” he said dryly.  “I should go.  I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

He bent to kiss her, her mouth warm and sweet, and pressed his forehead to hers.

“Stay safe,” she whispered, and he smiled at her with as much reassurance as he could.

Outside the room, he straightened his tie, and nodded to Agents Humbert and Fa.

“Very well,” he said mildly.  “Shall we?”

[panclownrights]

Get To Know The Blogger (Repost)

1. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

Binge watch my current favorite shows and movies. (Currently: Parenthood, Skam, and 13 Reasons Why

2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?

Leggings because they’re comfortable as fuck. 

3. What hobby would you pick up if time & money weren't an issue?

Yoga seems fun and I try to be a chilled person. 

4. What does your perfect room look like?

A rustic/vintage style room with a bunch of old cameras and maps and books but then also plants and fairy lights.

5. How often do you play sports?

If I played sports often I would not be on here. 

6. What fictional place would you like to visit?

I want to visit Idris (Shadowhunters).

7. What job would you be terrible at?

I’m terrible at any job that you have to do under pressure (most jobs) so I would be a really bad waitress. 

8. When was the last time you climbed a tree?

I have never climbed a tree. 

9. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for?

Being able to find out certain information on anyone about anything.

10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have?

I am ALWAYS late. I can never be on time for anything. 

11. What job do you think you'd be really good at?

I think I would be good as a retail person or a makeup artist. 

12. What skill would you like to master?

Drumming, guitar, piano, singing, and reading fast. 

13. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

A road trip across the US with my friends.

14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like?

An apartment type place that is an industrial building with old brick and a spiral staircase with a bunch of rustic accessories, located in a city. 

15. What's your favorite drink?

Hot chocolate.

16. What state or country do you never want to go back to?

I have never been there but I never want to go to Idaho.. I don’t know why??

17. What songs do you have completely memorized?

Anything Troye Sivan, 5sos, most One Direction. A bunch of songs.

18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in?

Twilight in Forks, Washington. 

19. What do you consider to be your best find?

Um... I dont know?

20. Are you usually early or late?

Late forever and always.

21. What pets did you have when you were growing up?

Two cats, two hamsters, a bunch of fish, hermit crabs, and a dog. 

22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with?

Mainly any type of advice. Boys usually with girls and girls usually with rumors and gossip. 

23. What takes up too much of your time?

My phone, specifically a website called Quotev. 

24. What do you wish you knew more about?

I wish I knew more about psychology. 

25. What would be your first question after waking up from being frozen for 100 years?

Who the fuck froze me?

26. What are some small things that make your day better?

When an idol of mine posts a new picture or video. Or when a new clip or episode of one of my favorite shows comes out. 

27. Who's your go-to band or artist when you don't know who or what to listen to?

5 Seconds of Summer. 

28. What's the best way to start the day?

Waking up around 9 am, showering, and having a fruit with coffee. 

29. What TV shows do you like?

Skam, Shameless, American Horror Story, Shadowhunters, Scream Queens, 13 Reasons Why, Modern Family, The Fosters, Riverdale, and Parenthood. 

30. What TV channel doesn't exist but really should?

LGBTQ+ channel.

31. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished?

Any actors that started at a later age (19-23) and are on successful, popular shows or movies now. 

32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently?

22 seems pretty great. 

33. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

I refuse to watch most horror movies. 

34. What's your ideal way to spend a weekend?

A successful binge weekend of movies and tv. 

35. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don't think you could live without?

My iphone. 

36. What is your claim to fame?

I don’t know, acting??

37. What is something you enjoy doing the old-fashioned way?

I enjoy writing letters and reading physical books. 

38. What's your favorite book or movie genre?

Fantasy or realistic - fiction. 

39. How often do you people-watch?

Basically everyday. 

40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?

On how teenagers in high school need to be kinder towards each other and watch what they say and do that could be hurtful to someone else. 

41. What's the best day of the year?

Halloween.

42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of?

I’m pretty sure most people have heard of psychology and astronomy. 

43. How do you relax after a long day of work?

Laying in bed and watching Netflix. 

44. What's the best book series or TV series you've ever read or watched?

I have been watching Shadowhunters ever since it aired then watched the movie and now am currently reading the books. 

45. Where is the farthest you've ever been from home?

I went from Florida to Boston without my family one summer. 

46. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen?

I have seen many heartwarming things. 

47. What is the most annoying question people ask you?

Where do you want to go to college? 

48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation?

Either Shadowhunters or Evan Peters. 

49. If you were the dictator on a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do?

Make them all have some form of sparkly accessory and have any of my favorite shows air on each person’s televisions whenever they are on. 

50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

They should take a trip alone. 

51. Would you rather go hand gliding or whitewater rafting?

Whitewater rafting. 

52. What's your dream car?

A purple jeep or a Volkswagen van. 

53. What's worth spending more on to get the best?

Foundation always. 

54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get?

Actually most trends like the thing on the back of people’s phones or the unicorn frap I do not understand. 

55. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years?

Being able to travel. 

56. Where is the most interesting place you've been?

Disney World. 

57. What's something you've been meaning to try but haven't gotten around to it?

Playing the drums and yoga. 

58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week?

I went on vacation.

59. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind, only to experience it for the first time again?

The Malec kiss scene in season 1 episode 12 on Shadowhunters. 

60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have?

A retail job at Barnes & Noble. 

61. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see?

Ace a Biology tests since I suck at science. 

62. How different was your life 1 year ago?

I lived in a different state, went to public school, and had friends. 

63. What quirks do you have?

I rant about my current obsessions, I do not know how to make eye contact, and I dodge away from conversations. 

64. What would you rate 10/10?

My gay ships. 

65. What fad or trend do you think should come back?

I thought the Rainbow Loom was awesome. 

66. What is the most interesting piece of art you've seen?

Shirtless guys.

67. What kind of art do you enjoy most?

I enjoy face paint.

68. What do you hope never changes?

Our freedom of speech. 

69. What city would you most like to live in?

Boston or New York City. 

70. What movie title best describes your life?

The Art of Getting By. (The movie is basically me)

71. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now?

I am not doing any work. 

72. What's the best way a person can spend their time?

Doing what they are most passionate about and feeling care free about it. 

73. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make?

I would make furniture that looked like it was from a fairy tale world

74. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been?

In a spa.

75. What's the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you?

I won a cute and expensive bag without realizing that’s what I signed up for.

76. Where would you rather be from?

I am from New York and I like being from there.

77. What are some things you've had to unlearn?

I did not have to, but every summer I forget everything I learned that year in math.

78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months?

I am going on vacation with my cousins. 

79. What website do you visit most often?

Quotev or Instagram.

80. What one thing do you really want but can't afford?

High quality makeup. 

81. Where do you usually go when you have free time?

I go to my bedroom.

82. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

My bedroom. 

83. What's special about the place you grew up?

I have never grown up in one place. I move every 4 years. 

84. What age do you want to live to?

95 seems like a good age.

85. What are you most likely to become famous for?

Makeup or acting. 

86. What are you absolutely determined to do?

To live my life to the fullest and not have regrets on things I did not do. 

87. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?

How to draw a skull on my face using just eye shadow. 

88. What do you wish you knew more about?

I answered this question earlier on. 

89. What question would you most like to know the answer to?

What is my future going to be?

90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person?

What are your passions?

91. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major?

I stopped believing in my religion and the political opinions my family has. 

92. What's the best compliment you've ever received?

You are really interesting to talk to. 

93. As the only human left on earth, what would you do?

Scream as loud as possible. 

94. Who inspires you to be better?

My idols (there are a lot).

95. What do you want your epitaph to be?

She lived a long, full life doing what she loved. 

96. What haven't you grown out of?

Hugging my mom in public. 

97. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in?

A high school.

98. What's the dumbest thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well?

Throw a party. 

99. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about?

Nothing at all. I am not interesting. 

100. What's something you will never do again?

Throw a party. 

101. How do you hope you'll change as a person in the future?

I hope to be more confident, daring, and adventurous. 

102. What keeps you up at night?

Things I keep putting off or events that happen the next day. 

103. What's the most surprising self-realization you've had?

That I was a negative person and needed to change for the better. 

104. What is the most illegal thing you've ever done?

Drink underage. Risky, I know. 

105. How do you get in the way of your own success?

I am a big procrastinator. 

106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

My body.

107. What is your biggest regret?

Not applying myself more (I’m still working on that).

108. What do you look down on people for?

The way they behave and treat others. 

109. What bridges do you not regret burning?

Toxic or one sided relationships. 

110. What lie do you tell most often?

I’m almost ready.  

111. What would be your spirit animal?

A hedgehog. 

112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older?

Living on your own.

113. What are you most likely very wrong about?

A lot of things. 

114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it?

A rainbow and glitter.

115. What's happened that changed your view on the world?

How negative or hurtful people can be.

116. What is the biggest lesson you've learned?

That there is no point in being negative about a situation because it will not do anything to fix it. 

117. What is the most immature thing you do?

Wear hair bows.

118. What are you famous for among your friends & family?

Being the outcast. 

119. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be?

The pool. 

120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn't have?

Making money to live even if it is something you do not enjoy. 

121. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die?

Travel to all the places I want to visit, being successful in some sort of way, and helping to make a difference somewhere. 

122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self?

So far, 10 was back when things were simple so stay there till further notice. 

123. What's the best thing you got from your parents?

Their attitude on doing what makes you happy. 

124. What's the best thing about you?

I am passionate about many things and have big dreams. 

125. What blows your mind?

How people think it is cool to not care about things. 

126. Have you ever saved someone's life?

No. 

127. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at?

How easy I can find out information about people. 

128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like?

Black hair, dark skin, brown eyes, tall, skinny. 

129. What are 3 interesting facts about you?

I watch about 5 movies a week, I am homeschooled, I have been to Disney 25 times. 

130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it?

None of my scars have interesting stories. 

131. What's the title of the current chapter in your life?

A work in progress. 

132. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life?

When I went from public school to high school. 

133. What's the hardest lesson you've learned?

It is hard to find genuine people who care about you when you’re young. 

134. What do people think is weird about you?

My obsession with sparkles. 

135. What mistake do you keep making?

Trusting people. 

136. What have you created that you're most proud of?

I rewrote an alternate version of the ending to The Fault In Our Stars. 

137. What do you doubt?

I have a bad habit of doubting my ability to be confident and social. 

138. What are some of your morals?

Be kind, always. Do what you love. Have goals and make dreams. If you try hard enough and work your ass off, you will succeed. You are not getting anywhere with a negative attitude. 

139. What do you want to be remembered for?

Making a difference in somebody’s life. 

140. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years?

Having more of an opinion about things and standing up for myself. 

141. What is your favorite fragrance?

The A&F store. 

142. What do you think your last words will be?

I love you. 

143. Who or what do you take for granted?

The amount of free time I have. 

144. Why would you be annoying as a roommate?

I stay up super late with the lights on and take very long showers. 

145. What is something you're insecure about?

My body. 

146. What's the best & worst piece of advice you've received?

Do what you love is the best. Get a high paying job to make money is the worst. 

147. What irrational fears do you have?

Not knowing what my future is. 

148. What makes a good life?

Living the exact way you want to live with little regrets. 

149. What's the last adventure you went on?

I don’t even know. 

150. What is the most memorable gift you've received?

A ring my aunt gave me that was made from one of her mother’s stones she had on her old jewelry. 

[adoubleshotdepresso]

Sometimes it’s more than “just a little bit sad.”

I’m usually pretty good at coming up with some kind of witty or humorous introduction to my writing, even when the subjects can be pretty serious, and not exactly jolly, but the last couple of months have definitely been some of the darkest days of my entire existence, so I thought it would be the perfect time to have a chat about depression. I’m not talking about the occasionally sad day, when the weather is miserable, nothing is going right and you woke up too late to get yourself a Masai White Chocolate Mocha, I’m talking about the type of sadness that easily overwhelms your entire existence, and soon takes control of your life.

Hi, hello, welcome to the show. As a lot of you may know, I suffer pretty horribly from mental illness, in particular, depression. And it’s something I’ve had to deal with since I was around 14 years old. I just turned 27, so I have spent quite a large proportion of my life sad and miserable, which is about as fun as it sounds. Just joking. None of it’s fun, not one part of it to come to think of it. Which doesn’t mean I’m an actual professional, but speaking from experience I’m pretty knowledgeable of how this disease can affect your life, and everyone in it.

Hold onto your Kleenex, grab a hold of a pet and get comfy, because unfortunately this isn’t going to be great, or uplifting, and if you’re expecting some type of happy ending, I’m sorry but you’re going to be disappointed, because even though I try damn hard every day to get through it, I still haven’t found peace with myself, or the disease I will probably have to live with for the rest of my life.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane to where it all began. Or where I first noticed I may have been struggling with a mental illness. I was teenager, and still a kid in my opinion. I was bullied a fair bit, mostly when I was in Grade 8, which would have made me about 13 years old. It wasn’t anything significant, just the generalised bullying most teenage girls know of, and I mean, I’m sure it didn’t help my pending depressive disorder, I’m nearly positive I still would have ended up in the same boat even if I wasn’t bullied at all.

But then there were DRAGONS. Just kidding, I needed some comic relief. Thanks Colin, for the reminder.

Because I was a hormonal teenager when all of this started, everyone (including myself) thought it was just the regular “she’s just being an asshole teenager” type of moods, but once I hit the age of 17 or 18, we began to realise it was probably something more than just “growing up”. After already a few years of having to deal with mental illness without actually knowing I had it, my mum took me to my regular General Practitioner and we had a chat about my general behaviour and moods. I had to do a Mental Health Plan, which is basically a whole bunch of questions, like “how often do you feel sad, or get teary for no reason”, and you had to answer “None of the time to all of the time”, and that basically tells Medicare if you need funded psychology treatment.

If you’ve never been to a psychologist, it sucks. I hate every moment I have to be in their shitty office, sitting on their shitty chairs all while having to listen to their shitty advice. I’m sure some psychologists are great and manage to help their patience live their lives to the fullest, but all of mine so far have been basically useless. It’s hard enough for me to open up my feelings to complete strangers, let alone relate to anything that they’re saying. I know a whole bunch of people who go see therapist regularly and find it really helpful, and even though I don’t have anything great to say about them right now, I would highly recommend going to see one if you feel like you may be developing or experiencing some type of mental illness. It doesn’t have to be a negative experience, and who knows, my next doctor might be the answer to all my questions.

Now you know the background, I’m going to tell you how it really feels to be depressed. Which comes in stages, so we’re going to treat this sort of like a really sad and gross cake recipe.

Step 1: I can feel it coming a mile away. So you think I would know what to do by now, since I have the ability to recognise all the signs. But I see it coming, and it still hits me by surprise every fucking time. I start to slowly isolate myself from my friends and family, and just tell everyone I’m feeling “under the weather”. Which isn’t exactly a downright lie, but it’s not the whole truth either. I start not wanting to talk to people, which is unlike myself, and begin to spend a lot of time at home, mostly in my room in bed. And that’s when the overthinking begins.

Step 2: I’ll get home from work one night, have a shower, go to bed and  stay there for the next several days. I will only get up to eat, drink and to look after my pets. And sometimes when things are really dark, it’s even hard for me to do that. I start missing out on days at work, because the thought of leaving the safety of my own house is horrifying. Even though I’ve been living a somewhat normal life, the thought of what’s outside is enough to make me call in sick, and not leave my bed for days, even weeks at a time. To others, this may seem like pure laziness. That I don’t want to go to work and earn my keep, to have the freedom of a healthy wage, to see the people who make me the happiest. But it’s not laziness. It’s impossible. That’s what it is. Depression makes every day living impossible.

It gets harder and harder to keep going. And sometimes it feels easier to just give up, and that’s where step 3 comes in.

Step 3: Overthinking. Exhaustion. Paranoia. Three things that should probably never go together. Those things alone are enough to push some people to the edge, but you mash them all together and you have yourself one heck of a party. I think everyone who suffers from any type of mental illness knows what it feels like to overthink everything. Whether that’s your position at work, the integrity of the relationships in your life or even small and stupid things, such as, “I don’t think my dog loves me anymore”. I start to overthink everything, and suddenly things that were totally insignificant suddenly become super important.

I start to question if I’m a good person or not, and start to tell myself, maybe I deserve to feel like this, because if I was actually a decent person, I wouldn’t have these feelings. I look back at how I’ve treated people in the past, and wonder if I was a better friend, maybe I would feel less alone going through all of this, and I think for me, that’s my biggest downfall. I tell myself I deserve to be suffering every day, and no one actually gives a damn if I am, and it’s hard for people to help you when you can’t even help yourself.

Exhaustion basically comes in a “buy one get one free” type of deal, and it’s a damn vicious cycle to be in. You stress about every day living, and that makes you wide awake even at 4 in the morning. And then the next day, you’re even more tired, which makes you feel more stressed. To be honest, if I got enough sleep every night for the rest of my life, I feel like I would be able to cope a whole lot better. At the moment, I’m only getting a few hours of interrupted sleep every night, with waking up super early in the morning, and not being able to go back to sleep. Take into consideration I already take two different types of medication to aid with my sleep, but even that isn’t enough to keep me asleep the last couple of months.

Being exhausted makes life really difficult, especially when you work in a 24 hour, 7 days a week call centre for a somewhat prestigious and successful financial institution. No matter what I do, no matter the medication I take, nothing can help me sleep. I even shut off all my electronic devices, listen to audiobooks, yoga and medication and all the advice from professionals, sleep still evades me. The best “cure” for chronic insomnia I have found, is intense and consistent workouts throughout the day. A couple of nights ago I slept the best in a few months, and all it took was over an hour of tennis with no breaks, with leg day just before shower and bed. But working full time hours, on a rotating and every-changing roster, this is not always possible. So, I’m sort of left with doing the best I can with what I have, and that’s still kind of shit. Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for this solution as I still have not found a remedy for insomnia, even after suffering for more than 3 years. I promise to keep you posted if there’s ever a cure for this rubbish.

And then eventually comes paranoia. Once you’re sleep deprived, and been over thinking everything for a few weeks, you start to become paranoid. Nothing is what it seems, and no matter what people tell you, you just think they’re lying. There’s not much else to say about paranoia, as I’m sure you all know the broad definition. I would never wish that upon anything.

Step 4: Nearly the hardest part I’ll ever have to deal with. Self harm. Self mutilation. Basically physically hurting your own self, because your brain tells you too. I first started hurting myself when I was teenager. I used to buy those silver pencil sharpeners by the kilo, take out the blade and cut my wrists. Nothing to cause any type of actual harm, but any type of self self should be taken seriously, and investigated, no matter how stupid or in-effective it may be. They may not have been deep enough to be hospitalised or anything, but I do have several scars along my wrists that remind me every day of where I’ve come from.

As I got older though, these self harm habits became slightly more serious. I stopped cutting myself, as it was pretty inconvenient, and didn’t really hurt that much as an adult, so I began extinguishing my own cigarettes on my skin. This hurts a lot. And not only just for a little while, but for days after. Sometimes I’d hold the butt of the cigarette to my skin for so long, my skin would melt onto the cig. It caused infections, and severe bubbling, which looked like a blister that was filled with gross stuff. These scars will remain with me forever. They go from the very base of my wrist, all up the inside of my left forearm. These scars are the ones I am most ashamed of. For some reason, these scars represent my mental illness, and it is something I have to look at every day, and will do forever.

Along the same wrist, I have the word ‘strength’ tattooed there, to remind me when I see the scars, to always be strong, and if I can get through those times, then I can maybe keep doing it again.

I don’t struggle with that type of self harm anymore, but as I got older and began to take different types of prescription medication, I began to somewhat overdose on my tablets every now and then, not to actually kill myself, but to cause some type of pain in my body. It also helps me sleep away the days when I already haven’t slept for days at a time. I would still consider this as self harm, as you are deliberately doing harm to your soul, and your body. More than once, these acts of stupidness have ended up in hospital. Both times I had to stay overnight, get my heart monitored regularly, and then forced to go see a psychologist for wanting to harm myself.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, not all self harm are cuts and scars. Sometimes self harm can go unnoticed, and people have their ways of hiding it very well even from the closest to themselves. If you think your loved one is self harming in any way, I would advise to gently ask them about it, and get them to start talking about if they have any thoughts about doing harm to themselves. Don’t downright accuse of someone of self harming, as this does not go down well, trust me. If you think their lives are in danger, please seek medical attention as soon as possible.

Step 5. Suicide.

I hate this, I hate typing it, I hate saying it, I hate reading it. I hate everything about this fucking word. Not only because it’s heartbreaking for people who lose their friends and family due to it, but also because I’ve tried it. More than once. And not a whole lot of people know this. The first time I tried to kill myself, I took a whole bunch of my medication, mixed it with alcohol, prayed to all the gods that I would gently fall asleep, and never wake up. It’s not glamorous. It’s not entertaining, and it’s not something I’m fucking proud of.

The next time was only a few weeks ago. Everything was okay, and then I clocked off at work, went for a walk, took a lift to the roof of a building, stood on the edge and was ready to jump off, and die. I was up there, I took my engagement ring off, I left my phone on the ledge, and stared down at the concrete, really contemplating if this was going to be high enough to really end my life. And you know what stopped me? The thought of having someone find my body, and what that might do to their life, stopped me from jumping. Even in wanting to die, I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone with my dead body.

It’s horrible, it’s selfish, but it is what it is, and I can’t take back those actions or erase that afternoon from my life. I didn’t leave a note, and I was just going to leave everyone behind. I’m one of the luckier ones I guess, in that I get to move on with my life and try to heal the wounds I created myself.

If one your friends or loved ones are talking about wanting to hurt themselves, and it doesn’t matter how, you need to be there for them no matter how hard it is on you, because I can guarantee it’s harder for them right now, and if you feel like you ever need support, please know there are actual decent humans out there who will care if you die, and will do nearly everything possible to save your life.

[itsfitnesslife]

6 stupid myths about neat food for which it should be honest

1. "Pomegranates (and green tea) contain a lot of antioxidants» Every time you browse the Internet, you will come across advertising a particular product (it can be simple fruits or "magic capsules"), which is rich in antioxidants. This type of superfood tends to relieve various inflammations, "remove slags", "fight free radicals" and, more likely, treat cancer. Or at least warn him. Of course, there are some foods and dishes where the concentration of these miracle substances is higher than in others, but know that every green plant leaf that can be eaten to man is full of antioxidants! Almost all the plants that our body digests really fight inflammation and cancer, thanks to antioxidants. Neither green tea, nor pomegranate is particularly eliminated from this series. Google the name of any vegetable or fruit of your choice and the word "cancer". For example, "potato cancer": find out that ordinary potatoes in almost all forms perfectly cope with the tumor (except, of course, fried – fried, according to" online experts", Just cause cancer). According to this logic, chemotherapy should consist of mashed potatoes with a salad and freshly squeezed juice. Because antioxidants. Absolutely all plants are exposed to oxidants, so they have developed powerful mechanisms of protection from the acidic environment, and the variety does not matter. Promise yourself that you will never again say that your favorite fruit is the best source of antioxidants.2. "Chicken should be eaten exclusively without skin» Proper Nutrition is the holiest thing in the life of those who say it. Not an extra gram of fat should get into the stomach, not saturated fats in food! In fact, chicken breast is such a lean meat that eating skin or not does not matter much. In addition, the whole skin of a whole chicken is about 50 kcal extra (depending on the size of the bird). 55% of fats in the skin on chicken meat are monounsaturated. Yes, as in olive oil. A few grams of fat, indeed, is saturated, but such an amount is so insignificant for the diet that it is unlikely that it can affect your waist in one way or another. So do not worry when someone serves you chicken with the skin, and often it is she who creates an appetizing crust. By the way, if you decide to cook a chicken to your girlfriend and at the same time impress her culinary skills, the passionate handling of a knife while tearing off the skin of a poor bird can scare off the poor. Most likely, she will not enjoy the game of the maniac and will simply call Uber suddenly sick.3. "Sea salt is healthier than ordinary salt» Okay, maybe in sea salt and really a little more trace elements-calcium, iron, copper and some others. Plus - on a few nanoparticles, because in a teaspoon of sea salt, for example, only 0.2 mg of iron. It would sound good if the Daily need for iron in men was not equal to 8 mg, and in women and even more so – 18 mg. An important contribution to the daily norm of iron, is not it? In any case, if you can not live directly without sea salt, it means that you are not a man-you are a flounder. However, table salt does not contain even such a small amount of trace elements, but it usually contains something that is not present in the sea – iodine. Iodized table salt has been for a century, and if you consume little fish and seafood, it is much more useful to Season food with table salt than to be fashionable, but to suffer from iodine deficiency.4. "In ostrich meat ( zebra, porcupine, other exotic beast) - a bunch of protein» Not always, of course, they talk about exotic, sometimes rabbits like to be classified as the best source of protein. "There is a lot of protein in venison.""Ostrich meat from the local farm is the best source of protein!""They say that the meat of Chihuahua is full of protein."Well, of course, it's true, because everything is meat! If you choose the flesh of the living creatures of the Animal Kingdom as food, you will find that fish, birds, mammals, crustaceans, marsupials and all the others (except spongy ones and Google guys who invented the Oculus Rift) have muscle tissue. And muscles consist of protein. Exactly as in the history of antioxidants, different types of meat may differ slightly in protein concentration – due to different fat content. To put pressure on the fact that the ostrich is more prone to cardio training, so there is a solid protein, it's just ridiculous.5. "I need a good detox» The only people who really need detoxification are those who have breakfast with alcohol, cocaine, methamphetamine, ketamine or opioids, Bath Salt. Or who regularly swims in a pit where compounds of lead, mercury, hexavalent chromium, radionuclides and arsenic are drained from the nearest plant. Think about marketing: no manufacturer of detox products has so far named a single toxin with which its food (or cocktails) struggles. Do not be fooled by advertising and do not become one of those taxed fools on which billions of income from food companies turn. You already have a built-in detox program, which includes the liver, kidneys, lungs and other organs. They do an excellent job with the removal of metabolic by-products and "free radicals". Various detox diets only weaken the body, they take away the strength of internal organs to remove real toxins. It's so ironic.6. "Foods containing chemicals should be avoided» The most outlandish myth, which the older generation especially believes in, and it is quite difficult to destroy it. No one knows exactly what is the reason for these misconceptions, because there are chemistry lessons in every school… Chemicals are the bricks of our world, they make up everything around. By the way, if you break down the human body into elements and evaluate them in dollars, you get about$4.5. Of these, $ 3.5 will be on the skin, and another Dollar-on carbon, calcium, phosphorus, sulfur, iron and other substances in microdoses. By and large, we are cheaper than a cup of a large cappuccino and, by the way, there are so many frightening "chemicals" that if the adherents of "natural products" find out, the coffee market will collapse and Colombia and Brazil will plunge into a crisis. In fact, in the garden Apple there are no less sinister substances, some are so difficult to pronounce that they received code names that begin with the letter E. It is worth the manufacturer to be completely honest and specify the chemical composition of the most environmentally friendly fruits, because they will immediately stop buying – too much "e-Shek" will be. Some of them, by the way, even in the laboratory is difficult and expensive to get, they are really natural and as natural as possible. To summarize, we want to say: do not trust advertising and outdated advice of grandmothers, believe in science and your education. And of course, we give only useful advice!

[mathematicianadda]

Remembering Murray Gell-Mann (1929–2019), Inventor of Quarks

First Encounters

In the mid-1970s, particle physics was hot. Quarks were in. Group theory was in. Field theory was in. And so much progress was being made that it seemed like the fundamental theory of physics might be close at hand.

Right in the middle of all this was Murray Gell-Mann—responsible for not one, but most of the leaps of intuition that had brought particle physics to where it was. There’d been other theories, but Murray’s—with their somewhat elaborate and abstract mathematics—were always the ones that seemed to carry the day.

It was the spring of 1978 and I was 18 years old. I’d been publishing papers on particle physics for a few years, and had gotten quite known around the international particle physics community (and, yes, it took decades to live down my teenage-particle-physicist persona). I was in England, but planned to soon go to graduate school in the US, and was choosing between Caltech and Princeton. And one weekend afternoon when I was about to go out, the phone rang. In those days, it was obvious if it was an international call. “This is Murray Gell-Mann”, the caller said, then launched into a monologue about why Caltech was the center of the universe for particle physics at the time.

Perhaps not as starstruck as I should have been, I asked a few practical questions, which Murray dismissed. The call ended with something like, “Well, we’d like to have you at Caltech”.

A few months later I was indeed at Caltech. I remember the evening I arrived, wandering around the empty 4th floor of Lauritsen Lab—the home of Caltech theoretical particle physics. There were all sorts of names I recognized on office doors, and there were two offices that were obviously the largest: “M. Gell-Mann” and “R. Feynman”. (In between them was a small office labeled “H. Tuck”—which by the next day I’d realized was occupied by Helen Tuck, the lively longtime departmental assistant.)

There was a regular Friday lunch in the theoretical physics group, and as soon as a Friday came around, I met Murray Gell-Mann there. The first thing he said to me was, “It must be a culture shock coming here from England”. Then he looked me up and down. There I was in an unreasonably bright yellow shirt and sandals—looking, in fact, quite Californian. Murray seemed embarrassed, mumbled some pleasantry, then turned away.

With Murray at Caltech

I never worked directly with Murray (though he would later describe me to others as “our student”). But I interacted with him frequently while I was at Caltech. He was a strange mixture of gracious and gregarious, together with austere and combative. He had an expressive face, which would wrinkle up if he didn’t approve of what was being said.

Murray always had people and things he approved of, and ones he didn’t—to which he would often give disparaging nicknames. (He would always refer to solid-state physics as “squalid-state physics”.) Sometimes he would pretend that things he did not like simply did not exist. I remember once talking to him about something in quantum field theory called the beta function. His face showed no recognition of what I was talking about, and I was getting slightly exasperated. Eventually I blurted out, “But, Murray, didn’t you invent this?” “Oh”, he said, suddenly much more charming, “You mean g times the psi function. Why didn’t you just say that? Now I understand”. Of course, he had understood all along, but was being difficult about me using the “beta function” term, even though it had by then been standard for years.

I could never quite figure out what it was that made Murray impressed by some people and not others. He would routinely disparage physicists who were destined for great success, and would vigorously promote ones who didn’t seem so promising, and didn’t in fact do well. So when he promoted me, I was on the one hand flattered, but on the other hand concerned about what his endorsement might really mean.

The interaction between Murray Gell-Mann and Richard Feynman was an interesting thing to behold. Both came from New York, but Feynman relished his “working-class” New York accent, while Gell-Mann affected the best pronunciation of words from any language. Both would make surprisingly childish comments about the other.

I remember Feynman insisting on telling me the story of the origin of the word “quark”. He said he’d been talking to Murray one Friday about these hypothetical particles, and in their conversation they’d needed a name for them. Feynman told me he said (no doubt in his characteristic accent), “Let’s call them ‘quacks’”. The next Monday he said Murray came to him very excited and said he’d found the word “quark” in James Joyce. In telling this to me, Feynman then went into a long diatribe about how Murray always seemed to think the names for things were so important. “Having a name for something doesn’t tell you a damned thing”, Feynman said. (Having now spent so much of my life as a language designer, I might disagree). Feynman went on, mocking Murray’s concern for things like what different birds are called. (Murray was an avid bird watcher.)

Meanwhile, Feynman had worked on particles which seemed (and turned out to be) related to quarks. Feynman had called them “partons”. Murray insisted on always referring to them as “put-ons”.

Even though in terms of longstanding contributions to particle physics Murray was the clear winner, he always seemed to feel as if he was in the shadow of Feynman, particularly with Feynman’s showmanship. When Feynman died, Murray wrote a rather snarky obituary, saying of Feynman: “He surrounded himself with a cloud of myth, and he spent a great deal of time and energy generating anecdotes about himself”. I never quite understood why Murray—who could have gone to any university in the world—chose to work at Caltech for 33 years in an office two doors down from Feynman.

Murray cared a lot about what people thought of him, but would routinely (and maddeningly to watch) put himself in positions where he would look bad. He was very interested in—and I think very knowledgeable about—words and languages. And when he would meet someone, he would make a point of regaling them with information about the origin of their name (curiously—as I learned only years later—his own name, “Gell-Mann”, had been “upgraded” from “Gellmann”). Now, of course, if there’s one word people tend to know something about, it’s their own name. And, needless to say, Murray sometimes got its origins wrong—and was very embarrassed. (I remember he told a friend of mine named Nathan Isgur a long and elaborate story about the origin of the name “Isgur”, with Nathan eventually saying: “No, it was made up at Ellis Island!”.)

Murray wasn’t particularly good at reading other people. I remember in early 1982 sitting next to Murray in a limo in Chicago that had just picked up a bunch of scientists for some event. The driver was reading the names of the people he’d picked up over the radio. Many were complicated names, which the driver was admittedly butchering. But after each one, Murray would pipe up, and say “No, it’s said ____”. The driver was getting visibly annoyed, and eventually I said quietly to Murray that he should stop correcting him. When we arrived, Murray said to me: “Why did you say that?” He seemed upset that the driver didn’t care about getting the names right.

Occasionally I would ask Murray for advice, though he would rarely give it. When I was first working on one-dimensional cellular automata, I wanted to find a good name for them. (There had been several previous names for the 2D case, one of which—that I eventually settled on—was “cellular automata”.) I considered the name “polymones” (somehow reflecting Leibniz’s monad concept). But I asked Murray—given all his knowledge of words and languages—for a suggestion. He said he didn’t think polymones was much good, but didn’t have any other suggestion.

When I was working on SMP (a forerunner of Mathematica and the Wolfram Language) I asked Murray about it, though at the time I didn’t really understand as I do now the correspondences between human and computational languages. Murray was interested in trying out SMP, and had a computer terminal installed in his office. I kept on offering to show him some things, but he kept on putting it off. I later realized that—bizarrely to me—Murray was concerned about me seeing that he didn’t know how to type. (By the way, at the time, few people did—which is, for example, why SMP, like Unix, had cryptically short command names.)

But alongside the brush-offs and the strangeness, Murray could be personally very gracious. I remember him inviting me several times to his house. I never interacted with either of his kids (who were both not far from my age). But I did interact with his wife, Margaret, who was a very charming English woman. (As part of his dating advice to me, Feynman had explained that both he and Murray had married English women because “they could cope”.)

While I was at Caltech, Margaret got very sick with cancer, and Murray threw himself into trying to find a cure. (He blamed himself for not having made sure Margaret had had more checkups.) It wasn’t long before Margaret died. Murray invited me to the memorial service. But somehow I didn’t feel I could go; even though by then I was on the faculty at Caltech, I just felt too young and junior. I think Murray was upset I didn’t come, and I’ve felt guilty and embarrassed about it ever since.

Murray did me quite a few favors. He was an original board member of the MacArthur Foundation, and I think was instrumental in getting me a MacArthur Fellowship in the very first batch. Later, when I ran into trouble with intellectual property issues at Caltech, Murray went to bat for me—attempting to intercede with his longtime friend Murph Goldberger, who was by then president of Caltech (and who, before Caltech, had been a professor at Princeton, and had encouraged me to go to graduate school there).

I don’t know if I would call Murray a friend, though, for example, after Margaret died, he and I would sometimes have dinner together, at random restaurants around Pasadena. It wasn’t so much that I felt of a different generation from him (which of course I was). It was more that he exuded a certain aloof tension, that made one not feel very sure about what the relationship really was.

A Great Time in Physics

At the end of World War II, the Manhattan Project had just happened, the best and the brightest were going into physics, and “subatomic particles” were a major topic. Protons, neutrons, electrons and photons were known, and together with a couple of hypothesized particles (neutrinos and pions), it seemed possible that the story of elementary particles might be complete.

But then, first in cosmic rays, and later in particle accelerators, new particles started showing up. There was the muon, then the mesons (pions and kaons), and the hyperons (Λ, Σ, Ξ). All were unstable. The muon—which basically nobody understands even today—was like a heavy electron, interacting mainly through electromagnetic forces. But the others were subject to the strong nuclear force—the one that binds nuclei together. And it was observed that this force could generate these particles, though always together (Λ with K, for example). But, mysteriously, the particles could only decay through so-called weak interactions (of the kind involved in radioactive beta decay, or the decay of the muon).

For a while, nobody could figure out why this could be. But then around 1953, Murray Gell-Mann came up with an explanation. Just as particles have “quantum numbers” like spin and charge, he hypothesized that they could have a new quantum number that he called strangeness. Protons, neutrons and pions would have zero strangeness. But the Λ would have strangeness -1, the (positive) kaon strangeness +1, and so on. And total strangeness, he suggested, might be conserved in strong (and electromagnetic) interactions, but not in weak interactions. To suggest a fundamentally new property of particles was a bold thing to do. But it was correct: and immediately Murray was able to explain lots of things that had been observed.

But how did the weak interaction that was—among other things—responsible for the decay of Murray’s “strange particles” actually work? In 1957, in their one piece of collaboration in all their years together at Caltech, Feynman and Gell-Mann introduced the so-called V-A theory of the weak interaction—and, once again, despite initial experimental evidence to the contrary, it turned out to be correct. (The theory basically implies that neutrinos can only have left-handed helicity, and that weak interactions involve parity conservation and parity violation in equal amounts.)

As soon as the quantum mechanics of electrons and other particles was formulated in the 1920s, people started wondering about the quantum theory of fields, particularly the electromagnetic field. There were issues with infinities, but in the late 1940s—in Feynman’s big contribution—these were handled through the concept of renormalization. The result was that it was possible to start computing things using quantum electrodynamics (QED)—and soon all sorts of spectacular agreements with experiment had been found.

But all these computations worked by looking at just the first few terms in a series expansion in powers of the interaction strength parameter α≃1/137. In 1954, during his brief time at the University of Illinois (from which he went to the University of Chicago, and then Caltech), Murray, together with Francis Low, wrote a paper entitled “Quantum Electrodynamics at Small Distances” which was an attempt to explore QED to all orders in α. In many ways this paper was ahead of its time—and 20 years later, the “renormalization group” that it implicitly defined became very important (and the psi function that it discussed was replaced by the beta function).

While QED could be investigated through a series expansion in the small parameter α≃1/137, no such program seemed possible for the strong interaction (where the effective expansion parameter would be ≃1). So in the 1950s there was an attempt to take a more holistic approach, based on looking at the whole so-called S-matrix defining overall scattering amplitudes. Various properties of the S-matrix were known—notably analyticity with respect to values of particle momenta, and so-called crossing symmetry associated with exchanging particles and antiparticles.

But were these sufficient to understand the properties of strong interactions? Throughout the 1960s, attempts involving more and more elaborate mathematics were made. But things kept on going wrong. The proton-proton total interaction probability was supposed to rise with energy. But experimentally it was seen to level off. So a new idea (the pomeron) was introduced. But then the interaction probability was found to start rising again. So another phenomenon (multiparticle “cuts”) had to be introduced. And so on. (Ironically enough, early string theory spun off from these attempts—and today, after decades of disuse, S-matrix theory is coming back into vogue.)

But meanwhile, there was another direction being explored—in which Murray Gell-Mann was centrally involved. It all had to do with the group-theory-meets-calculus concept of Lie groups. An example of a Lie group is the 3D rotation group, known in Lie group theory as SO(3). A central issue in Lie group theory is to find representations of groups: finite collections, say of matrices, that operate like elements of the group.

Representations of the rotation group had been used in atomic physics to deduce from rotational symmetry a characterization of possible spectral lines. But what Gell-Mann did was to say, in effect, “Let’s just imagine that in the world of elementary particles there’s some kind of internal symmetry associated with the Lie group SU(3). Now use representation theory to characterize what particles will exist”.

And in 1961, he published his eightfold way (named after Buddha’s Eightfold Way) in which he proposed—periodic-table style—that there should be 8+1 types of mesons, and 10+8 types of baryons (hyperons plus nucleons, such as proton and neutron). For the physics of the time, the mathematics involved in this was quite exotic. But the known particles organized nicely into Gell-Mann’s structure. And Gell-Mann made a prediction: that there should be one additional type of hyperon, that he called the , with strangeness -3, and certain mass and decay characteristics.

And—sure enough—in 1964, the was observed, and Gell-Mann was on his way to the Nobel Prize, which he received in 1969.

At first the SU(3) symmetry idea was just about what particles should exist. But Gell-Mann wanted also to characterize interactions associated with particles, and for this he introduced what he called current algebra. And, by 1964, from his work on current algebra, he’d realized something else: that his SU(3) symmetry could be interpreted as meaning that things like protons were actually composed of something more fundamental—that he called quarks.

What exactly were the quarks? In his first paper on the subject, Gell-Mann called them “mathematical entities”, although he admitted that, just maybe, they could actually be particles themselves. There were problems with this, though. First, it was thought that electric charge was quantized in units of the electron charge, but quarks would have to have charges of 2/3 and -1/3. But even more seriously, one would have to explain why no free quarks had ever been seen.

It so happened that right when Gell-Mann was writing this, a student at Caltech named George Zweig was thinking of something very similar. Zweig (who was at the time visiting CERN) took a mathematically less elaborate approach, observing that the existing particles could be explained as built from three kinds of “aces”, as he called them, with the same properties as Gell-Mann’s quarks.

Zweig became a professor at Caltech—and I’ve personally been friends with him for more than 40 years. But he never got much credit for his aces idea, and after a few years he left particle physics and started studying the neurobiology of the ear—and now, in his eighties, has started a quant hedge fund.

Meanwhile, Gell-Mann continued pursuing the theory of quarks, refining his ideas about current algebras. But starting in 1968, there was something new: particle accelerators able to collide high-energy electrons with protons (“deep inelastic scattering”) observed that sometimes the electrons could suffer large deflections. There were lots of details, particularly associated with relativistic kinematics, but in 1969 Feynman proposed his parton (or, as Gell-Mann called it, “put-on”) model, in which the proton contained point-like “parton” particles.

It was immediately guessed that partons might be quarks, and within a couple of years this had been established. But the question remained of why the quarks should be confined inside particles such as protons. To avoid some inconsistencies associated with the exclusion principle, it had already been suggested that quarks might come in three “colors”. Then in 1973, Gell-Mann and his collaborators suggested that associated with these colors, quarks might have “color charges” analogous to electric charge.

Electromagnetism can be thought of as a gauge field theory associated with the Lie group U(1). Now Gell-Mann suggested that there might be a gauge field theory associated with an SU(3) color group (yes, SU(3) again, but a different application than in the eightfold way, etc.). This theory became known as quantum chromodynamics, or QCD. And, in analogy to the photon, it involves particles called gluons.

Unlike photons, however, gluons directly interact with each other, leading to a much more complex theory. But in direct analogy to Gell-Mann and Low’s 1954 renormalization group computation for QED, in 1973 the beta function (AKA g times psi function) for QCD was computed, and was found to show the phenomenon of asymptotic freedom—essentially that QCD interactions get progressively weaker at shorter distances.

This immediately explained the success of the parton model, but also suggested that if quarks get further apart, the QCD interactions between them get stronger, potentially explaining confinement. (And, yes, this is surely the correct intuition about confinement, although even to this day, there is no formal proof of quark confinement—and I suspect it may have issues of undecidability.)

Through much of the 1960s, S-matrix theory had been the dominant approach to particle physics. But it was having trouble, and the discovery of asymptotic freedom in QCD in 1973 brought field theory back to the fore, and, with it, lots of optimism about what might be possible in particle physics.

Murray Gell-Mann had had an amazing run. For 20 years he had made a series of bold conjectures about how nature might work—strangeness, V-A theory, SU(3), quarks, QCD—and in each case he had been correct, while others had been wrong. He had had one of the more remarkable records of repeated correct intuition in the whole history of science.

He tried to go on. He talked about “grand unification being in the air”, and (along with many other physicists) discussed the possibility that QCD and the theory of weak interactions might be unified in models based on groups like SU(5) and SO(10). He considered supersymmetry—in which there would be particles that are crosses between things like neutrinos and things like gluons. But quick validations of these theories didn’t work out—though even now it’s still conceivable that some version of them might be correct.

But regardless, the mid-1970s were a period of intense activity for particle physics. In 1974, the J/ψ particle was discovered, which turned out to be associated with a fourth kind of quark (charm quark). In 1978, evidence of a fifth quark was seen. Lots was figured out about how QCD works. And a consistent theory of weak interactions emerged that, together with QED and QCD, defined what by the early 1980s had become the modern Standard Model of particle physics that exists today.

I myself got seriously interested in particle physics in 1972, when I was 12 years old. I used to carry around a copy of the little Particle Properties booklet—and all the various kinds of particles became, in a sense, my personal friends. I knew by heart the mass of the Λ, the lifetime of the , and a zillion other things about particles. (And, yes, amazingly, I still seem to remember almost all of them—though now they’re all known to much greater accuracy.)

At the time, it seemed to me like the most important discoveries ever were being made: fundamental facts about the fundamental particles that exist in our universe. And I think I assumed that before long everyone would know these things, just as people know that there are atoms and protons and electrons.

But I’m shocked today that almost nobody has, for example, even heard of muons—even though we’re continually bombarded with them from cosmic rays. Talk about strangeness, or the omega-minus, and one gets blank stares. Quarks more people have heard of, though mostly because of their name, with its various uses for brands, etc.

To me it feels a bit tragic. It’s not hard to show Gell-Mann’s eightfold way pictures, and to explain how the particles in them can be made from quarks. It’s at least as easy to explain that there are 6 known types of quarks as to explain about chemical elements or DNA bases. But for some reason—in most countries—all these triumphs of particle physics have never made it into school science curriculums.

And as I was writing this piece, I was shocked at how thin the information on “classic” particle physics is on the web. In fact, in trying to recall some of the history, the most extensive discussion I could find was in an unpublished book I myself wrote when I was 12 years old! (Yes, full of charming spelling mistakes, and a few physics mistakes.)

The Rest of the Story

When I first met Murray in 1978, his great run of intuition successes and his time defining almost everything that was important in particle physics was already behind him. I was never quite sure what he spent his time on. I know he traveled a lot, using physics meetings in far-flung places as excuses to absorb local culture and nature. I know he spent significant time with the JASON physicists-consult-for-the-military-and-get-paid-well-for-doing-so group. (It was a group that also tried to recruit me in the mid-1980s.) I know he taught classes at Caltech—though he had a reputation for being rather disorganized and unprepared, and I often saw him hurrying to class with giant piles of poorly collated handwritten notes.

Quite often I would see him huddled with more junior physicists that he had brought to Caltech with various temporary jobs. Often there were calculations being done on the blackboard, sometimes by Murray. Lots of algebra, usually festooned with tensor indices—with rarely a diagram in sight. What was it about? I think in those days it was most often supergravity—a merger of the idea of supersymmetry with an early form of string theory (itself derived from much earlier work on S-matrix theory).

This was the time when QCD, quark models and lots of other things that Murray had basically created were at their hottest. Yet Murray chose not to work on them—for example telling me after hearing a talk I gave on QCD that I should work on more worthwhile topics.

I’m guessing Murray somehow thought that his amazing run of intuition would continue, and that his new theories would be as successful as his old. But it didn’t work out that way. Though when I would see Murray, he would often tell me of some amazing physics that he was just about to crack, often using elaborate mathematical formalism that I didn’t recognize.

By the time I left Caltech in 1983, Murray was spending much of his time in New Mexico, around Santa Fe and Los Alamos—particularly getting involved in what would become the Santa Fe Institute. In 1984, I was invited to the inaugural workshop discussing what was then called the Rio Grande Institute might do. It was a strange event, at which I was by far the youngest participant. And as chance would have it, in connection with the republication of the proceedings of that event, I just recently wrote an account of what happened there, which I will soon post.

But in any case, Murray was co-chairing the event, and talking about his vision for a great interdisciplinary university, in which people would study things like the relations between physics and archaeology. He talked in grand flourishes about covering the arts and sciences, the simple and the complex, and linking them all together. It didn’t seem very practical to me—and at some point I asked what the Santa Fe Institute would actually concentrate on if it had to make a choice.

People asked what I would suggest, and I (somewhat reluctantly, because it seemed like everyone had been trying to promote their pet area) suggested “complex systems theory”, and my ideas about the emergence of complexity from things like simple programs. The audio of the event records some respectful exchanges between Murray and me, though more about organizational matters than content. But as it turned out, complex systems theory was indeed what the Santa Fe Institute ended up concentrating on. And Murray himself began to use “complexity” as a label for things he was thinking about.

I tried for years (starting when I first worked on such things, in 1981) to explain to Murray about cellular automata, and about my explorations of the computational universe. He would listen politely, and pay lip service to the relevance of computers and experiments with them. But—as I later realized—he never really understood much at all of what I was talking about.

By the late 1980s, I saw Murray only very rarely. I heard, though, that through an agent I know, Murray had got a big advance to write a book. Murray always found writing painful, and before long I heard that the book had gone through multiple editors (and publishers), and that Murray thought it responsible for a heart attack he had. I had hoped that the book would be an autobiography, though I suspected that Murray might not have the introspection to produce that. (Several years later, a New York Times writer named George Johnson wrote what I considered a very good biography of Murray, which Murray hated.)

But then I heard that Murray’s book was actually going to be about his theory of complexity, whatever that might be. A few years went by, and, eventually, in 1994, to rather modest fanfare, Murray’s book The Quark and the Jaguar appeared. Looking through it, though, it didn’t seem to contain anything concrete that could be considered a theory of complexity. George Zweig told me he’d heard that Murray had left people like me and him out of the index to the book, so we’d have to read the whole book if we wanted to find out what he said about us.

At the time, I didn’t bother. But just now, in writing this piece, I was curious to find out what, if anything, Murray actually did say about me. In the printed book, the index goes straight from “Winos” to Woolfenden. But online I can find that there I am, on page 77 (and, bizarrely, I’m also in the online index): “As Stephen Wolfram has emphasized, [a theory] is a compressed package of information, applicable to many cases”. Yes, that’s true, but is that really all Murray got out of everything I told him? (George Zweig, by the way, isn’t mentioned in the book at all.)

In 2002, I’d finally finished my own decade-long basic science project, and I was getting ready to publish my book A New Kind of Science. In recognition of his early support, I’d mentioned Murray in my long list of acknowledgements in the book, and I thought I’d reach out to him and see if he’d like to write a back-cover blurb. (In the end, Steve Jobs convinced me not to have any back-cover blurbs: “Isaac Newton didn’t have blurbs on the Principia; nor should you on your book”.)

Murray responded politely: “It is exciting to know that your magnum opus, reflecting so much thought, research, and writing, will finally appear. I should, of course, be delighted to receive the book and peruse it, and I might be able to come up with an endorsement, especially since I expect to be impressed”. But he said, “I find it difficult to write things under any conditions, as you probably know”.

I sent Murray the book, and soon thereafter was on the phone with him. It was a strange and contentious conversation. Murray was obviously uncomfortable. I was asking him about what he thought complexity was. He said it was “like a child learning a language”. I asked what that meant. We went back and forth talking about languages. I had the distinct sense that Murray thought he could somehow blind me with facts I didn’t know. But—perhaps unfortunately for the conversation—even though A New Kind of Science doesn’t discuss languages much, my long efforts in computational language design had made me quite knowledgeable about the topic, and in the conversation I made it quite clear that I wasn’t convinced about what Murray had to say.

Murray followed up with an email: “It was good to talk with you. I found the exchange of ideas very interesting. We seem to have been thinking about many of the same things over the last few years, and apparently we agree on some of them and have quite divergent views on others”. He talked about the book, saying that “Obviously, I can’t, in a brief perusal, come to any deep conclusions about such an impressive tome. It is clear, however, that there are many ideas in it with which, if I understand them correctly, I disagree”.

Then he continued: “Also, my own work of the last decade or so is not mentioned anywhere, even though that work includes discussions of the meaning and significance of simplicity and complexity, the role of decoherent histories in the understanding of quantum mechanics, and other topics that play important roles in A New Kind of Science”. (Actually, I don’t think I discussed anything relevant to decoherent histories in quantum mechanics.) He explained that he didn’t want to write a blurb, and ended: “I’m sorry, and I hope that this matter does not present any threat to our friendship, which I hold dear”.

As it turned out, I never talked to Murray about science again. The last time I saw Murray was in 2012 at a peculiar event in New York City for promising high-school students. I said hello. Murray looked blank. I said my name, and held up my name tag. “Do I know you?”, he said. I repeated my name. Still blank. I couldn’t tell if it was a problem of age—or a repeat of the story of the beta function. But, with regret, I walked away.

I have often used Murray as an example of the challenges of managing the arc of a great career. From his twenties to his forties, Murray had the golden touch. His particular way of thinking had success after success, and in many ways, he defined physics for a generation. But by the time I knew him, the easy successes were over. Perhaps it was Murray; more likely, it was just that the easy pickings from his approach were now gone.

I think Murray always wanted to be respected as a scholar and statesman of science—and beyond. But—to his chagrin—he kept on putting himself in situations that played to his weaknesses. He tried to lead people, but usually ended up annoying them. He tried to become a literary-style author, but his perfectionism and insecurity got in the way. He tried to do important work in new fields, but ended up finding that his particular methods didn’t work there. To me, it felt in many ways tragic. He so wanted to succeed as he had before, but he never found a way to do it—and always bore the burden of his early success.

Still, with all his complexities, I am pleased to have known Murray. And though Murray is now gone, the physics he discovered will live on, defining an important chapter in the quest for our understanding of the fundamental structure of our universe.

from Stephen Wolfram Blog http://bit.ly/2Ib2nMm from Blogger http://bit.ly/2ELaTAS