#i try to unfollow people no longer following me so i dont accidentally send things tbh

[heroicintention]

;;ooc didnt xkit used to have a feature to show sideblogs? I miss that desperately...

[floralkittygambler]

Return of The Thing

Sort of. By thing, I mean me. But I love this movie and the meme. Ok, context for this post: - Where I’ve been - Why I left - Whats hip happening -  Where I’ve Been:

Long story short, I’ve had real life matters to deal with. Firstly, my entire household contracted COVID. Well, *almost*. We’ve been through constant testing, quarantine zones, and had the ambulance up numerous times. My parents and 2nd oldest sister were hit the hardest. My 3rd oldest sister was positive and asymptomatic. Now something none of us could predict that I would be completely COVID free despite my compromises. Despite that I was in close contact with them all, including the 2nd oldest who contracted it first and accidentally being coughed on a few times lol. I went through the exact same testing and yet nothing. No symptoms. No presence of COVID. And I took no precaution to isolate from my family as I presumed in our small house we’d all get it, so I was more preoccupied with caring for the sick. Ultimately, I’ve either gotten off scott free this time or there’s a chance I may actually either be highly resistant or even immune. Even then, I WILL be having the vaccine as and when my family are eligible. And we all still follow regulations set.  I’ve also had other real life obligations, much of it either mundane fixing up my living circumstances to more personal matters. Overall, I have been extremely preoccupied.

A mini update, the stray cat Big has been in our porch a lot more in recent times due to the snow as well as being even more affectionate. And Queefster passed away after a good life and a full tummy. Why I Left:

Aside from COVID, business, and my own health declining, I’ll be blunt. I left because of how disgustingly toxic most fandoms are nowadays, but Hazbin is one of the WORST for it. That includes harassment, death threats, mocking MI and triggering an ED. In fact, I’ve even seen others get rape and death threats. So yes, even if YOU are a decent fan, collectively most of you arent doing any favours. Even some critical blogs seem to be overtly catty in ways no one else seems to pick up on under this ‘look how blunt I am’ look and it’s just... You dont have to be a prick to have your say, to be honest and to disagree with the trending. That’s a few on and off of tumblr, and no one I follow anyways. 

In regards to my ‘sensitivities’ - two things: 1) Of course trauma is going to hurt, 2) Im fully aware of kids doing and receiving much of this, which hurts MORE. I have my own lil squids and Im worried of them eventually having to deal with this shit. And no, no one SHOULD have to put up with such rude and poor behaviour. Agree to disagree doesnt live in some people’s realities, but by God harassment and bullying seems ok if YOURE doing it or enticing it. That ISNT ok. Even if it seems like nothing to you it could kill another. I certainly will not take your shit. 

On huskerdust I STAND by my words. It’s fucking creepy and there is sexual harassment and obsession. And there are large triggers. I will not go into detail here because Ive done that dance before and I’ll be refining it again. YOU may like it, however it triggers my very real traumas as well as those in my bloodline. Be respectful and keep that shit away from me. And for goodness sake, parents PLEASE dont raise your children to behave as such online. And no, being anon isnt actually fully anonymous. Also to send hate and threats anon is not only traceable but also cowardice. Grow a pair and find a hobby. I avoid my traumas for the most part. I will not allow you to weaponise or diminish my own or others experiences for your fictional based gratification. Likewise, if it becomes canon, I’ll just make an AU where it is not. Simple. You can hate it but Im not your personal circus so go be toxic elsewhere. IF you like HD and follow me, honestly... Youre probably better to unfollow as I am deeply and passionately against it and stolitz, and valvox, and am very vocal on that. Dont mistake my traumas and discomfort as a personal attack - and dont personally attack me over it either. And before anyone claims homophobia, no. This is nothing to do with sexuality. You arent the victim. If you love these pairings with your soul to the point of a ‘stan’, then youre best off unfollowing because I really am too old for extremists and rabid fans more crazed than the infected in REC. Also I never used to hate angel but now... Fans behaviour is abhorrent and hes so over saturated that I honestly really dislike him now. Doesnt mean you have to hate him too, but just bloody respect that angel isnt loved by all, he can be triggering to some as well as toxically enabling [incl. past addicts], a vile homophobic gay stereotype and just overall a lack of knowledge and respect of sex workers as a whole. When you know a lot of the ins and outs and victims, it’s hard to overlook. I respect your triggering ships by avoiding that mess. Respect others.  The problem with Viv - and I will elaborate in the future - is that your audience is often a reflection of your work and it’s message/presentation. And most of the fandom Ive met are awful. Honestly, though lonesome I find more comfort keeping distant from fandoms because yall often extremely toxic and petty. Perhaps others have had better experiences than I however Im drawing a line in the sand. For MY sake. I’m annoyed with virtually anyone I sense great potential in that becomes wasted. Im angry at Viv because she can do so much better but is blocking HERSELF. This is from a creative and business mindset. When someone has potential that gets wasted - especially creatively - it burns me. Im just passionate on artistic fields. It doesnt mean I hate them. I hate the waste of full potential.

I’ll state things here people disagree with but encouraging harassment, hate or just being an overall cunt just aint on- It’s like people charade as being this fair being but its all bullshit. Self improve and sod off, I do NOT have time to parent you online. 

And obviously there are RL duties I must fulfil. Some in which I will need the publics assistance for if you can spare it. Overall, Im just... Fandoms behaviour generally disgusts me. Disappoints me. We SHOULD be better than this. It’s like listening to bloomin incels rant on fuckin chad or some bullshit pill theory instead of looking to improve themselves too. Honestly... I do mostly acknowledge my own flaws and faults and try to improve each day. It just feels fewer folk see that in themselves and do the same. And that’s coming from an old cunt whos far from fuckin perfect. Also, my fuckin laptop broke so I waited a week for a bloke nearby to fix it. What a fuckin lifesaver, he’s the real mvp!

Also Also, one of you did privately apologise and I appreciate that. I certainly hope we agree to disagree and continue to grow as people on our separate ways. Trust me, I dont forget small acts like this. Even the trauma that caused and the aftermath, please dont think I dont appreciate the apology. However you’re also entitled to know that the forgiveness and healing side may take longer for me due to various factors that occurred - much that few are aware of, including yourself especially. I wish you well and safety.

Hip Happenin Now:

Still busy but slowly visiting. I’ll reply and reblog soon, be patient please. Ive still many things to sort which take priority as well as other things. Im trying to get money n shit for a future and whatnot. Health issues are strong in the blood rn and Im spending extended time with both Big and the other pets to keep up harmony, especially now that Big is accepting slowly that our porch is a welcome shelter for him and he’s free to leave and stay whenever. Trust me, overloaded isnt even the word. Im prepping shit early this year and from now on. Also, my God Ive been dealing with more physical issues as well and had to play doctor. May even need medical interference but holy shit I could never see this coming. Still... It’s... An experience- If you could call it that. Staying more active and healthy. Cat’s nearly clawed my eye out in my sleep (to which I can only presume Billy got too close or hyper) but it’s fortunate placement so Im alright. Most of my body is in pain to the point of absolute normality at this rate. And I plan to make space for a better altar. Future of the Blog: 

Errr, it’s my fuckin space so it’s whatever I want really. Ill still have my Viv rants (ie, pros and cons of her work, HH/HB, other shit like that) however I just really dislike most the fandom at this point as well as the poor management and lack of professionalism and attitudes of staff. It’s just draggin me down and making me ill. I also want to showcase more of MY work (from redesigns to projects to some dumb 2am shit), cosplays, fashion, hobbies, spiritual practises - MY. SHIT. I feel like Ive strayed slightly. But I WILL be honest. And damn well will it upset people. And if it does and I’m genuinely ding something wrong/harmful - guide me patiently. Educate me. If it’s like this HD shit where Im not only allowed my opinions but justified on my traumas or mocking my disabilities or features, then just yeet yourself elsewhere. Also some of my gaming shit too. Getting to know folk who interact with my stuff and just... Create my space. For me. Something hopefully others can enjoy. Something that can function as a bit of an art portfolio as well. Critiques and whatnot.  But I will continually not stand for anyone’s shit or poor handling of serious matters. You will not cause me to doubt and invalidate my experiences like you have to others.  For now, Im tottering but slowly returning. For those who I previously and daily interacted with, I will get back to you. And Im sure you’re patient and understanding of my situation - it’s appreciated. But in terms of any fandom, more so if it’s known to be as hostile, I’d rather keep a healthy boundary between us. That’s for newer folk. Perhaps we may bond further and you’re welcome to try, however I do feel far safer not getting involved into other people’s shit any longer. I will put anon back on but any toxic shit will be reported as well as compiled so at least I have a reference on the actual toxic nature of fandoms. Likewise, Im slowly getting there but god theres a lot of fuckin work. So much that not even my closest friend has heard too much from me until recently. I’ll be returning to the grind for now as I have duties, as well as many demanding felines for my attention. Alongside some physical medical concerns which require additional care, I’ll be popping off now.  Im thankful for those who have checked in on me. I will reply shortly. Take care

[groundramon]

Statement

I didnt want to write this but I’m too fucking tired to respond to anymore people who go into my ask box. I’ve already gotten 4. Leave me alone. Also I apologize for not censoring @ ‘s.  Obviously, do not send hate to anyone.  Because I, unlike Peri, do not endorse that.  Your white knighting will not hurt Peri and it will not help me - it will just help Peri feel more justified.  So seriously, to any of my friends/mutuals/followers reading this - do not.

DISCLAIMER: I knew peri back when he still used they/them pronouns. If I ever accidentally refer to him with those pronouns, please don’t hone in on that, but please DO tell me about my mistake so I can go and fix that. This is not an excuse, its still wrong of me to do and i apologize if I accidentally do it anywhere in this post - it is an explanation and an invitation to hold me accountable without using it to destroy the whole point of my post.

DISCLAIMER #2: there is a lot of nuances to our relationship that I will never be able to describe in text. Such as the fact that as little kids, Peri and our other friends were the ones who “corrupted” my sense of humor (not in a problematic way, I was just a really naive little kid). We always made jokes about me being the least mature out of the group despite being the oldest.

DISCLAIMER #3: Yes, I made mistakes. No, I did not put out a callout about Peri “just to start shit”.  I have apologized for my mistakes and learned better, and would be happy to write another apology genuinely outlining what I did wrong if Peri didn’t lie about me at every given opportunity.

I never put a callout on Peri until now.  Maybe once when this first happened, i told people to unfollow him...I genuinely cant remember.  I know I added him to my carrd as DNI, but he did it first, and I did it in response to that.  And I removed it long ago.  He also mocked me for calling him my abuser after one of his friends block evaded me to tell me to fuck off, and I found out said friend did that because Peri had been calling me “a danger to minors”, a racist (Peri is white and kept making Hetalia jokes up to a few months before we stopped being friends even though literally I never did) and a lesbophobe (ok peri is a lesbian), and more important, accusing me of stalking.  His definition of stalking was to check his twitter profile obsessively.  I know he did this to me, because he mentioned one of my discourse threads about SPOP and misrepresented my argument (he said I called Catra abusive - I called Catradora toxic and clarified that Catra is not an abuser).  I’m not here to debate the definition of stalking, but heres the thing - at that point, it had been...I think 3 months after we broke off?  And I hadnt checked his twitter since a week after we broke up.  Literally.  I’m sure I have no way of proving that now, OVER A YEAR LATER, but it’s true. I have proof about the hetalia joke.  It was literally just a joke about my piccrews looking like America.  But considering years ago, Peri (and our shared abuser who I dont plan on discussing very much publicly for obvious reasons) were the ones who got me into Hetalia, it hits a very sore spot with me to call me a racist right alongside our shared abuser who would go by japanese names for the ~aesthetic~.  And thats the thing throughout all of this - did I do wrong by Peri? Absolutely, and I’m not going to remember everything flawlessly either. I’m not a flawless person and we were friends for like 7 years.  But Peri is acting like he’s never done anything wrong in his life.

He also has a pattern of doing this - he accused me and his ex-friend Rainy (me and Rainy are friends) of making fun of our abuser’s art constantly and probably now making fun of Peri’s art constantly (we did make fun of the abuser’s art, but tbh it was gallows humor, and still not something I’m proud of.  I have literally never made fun of Peri’s art.  In fact, it makes me feel awful that I have a pit in my stomach whenever I see it, because I always enjoyed Peri’s unique art style up until the day we split.)  He’s hurt so, SO many other people too.  I can think of 13 just off the top of my head.  The person who block evaded me to yell at me about something I literally never did?  Literally went through the same shit me and Rainy did.  Most of these people are not going to like me, and yet I could probably ask for their testimony and it would match my experience very closely, except the key difference being Peri gave up on them already.

Peri talked about me THREE TIMES in the last week (I believe - I didnt check dates and i literally found peri’s account accidentally while going through chicken smoothie. yes, it was my choice to scroll down and look for my name, but i was like, the second post on his tumblr and i was just trying to see if the posts were recent or old bc i thought he was inactive on here.

Here are all of the posts in case he deletes them - sorry I dont have timestamps, he went private so I cant get evidence, obviously.

Admittedly, the last one is pretty understandable, I feel the same way going through my old shit and seeing Peri’s posts/art/etc. But two times after that? But no I’m the one for starting shit, even though I can disprove both of this posts.

For that first post:

1. I didn’t debate shit, I asked a question because I saw a bi woman bring up a good point about why bi women shouldn’t be allowed to use butch/femme.  Admittedly, asking your closest (not only! just closest) lesbian friend about all lesbian issues is kind of a dick move, but I was just trying to figure out how to argue against that point so I could support my lesbian friends.  Now I realize that it’s wrong of me to bother getting involved on either side and I should just support my lesbian friends and their voices instead of getting directly involved.  Yes, I was wrong, but i did not argue with a lesbian about whether or not butch/femme can be used by nonlesbians, I was ASKING A QUESTION.

2. I was trying to be a supportive friend. He was crushing on Rainy - who was identifying as a gay (trans) man at the time by the way, but I only ever see Peri use this as evidence for me being lesbophobic, not homophobic and transphobic.  Gee I wonder why?  Oh right, it’s because Peri hates Rainy and doesn’t care.  Anyways, yes, it was wrong of me.  At the time I didn’t understand a lot about comphet so I was just trying to be supportive.  I do think I expressed relief when Peri said he and Rainy had broken up and realized their feelings were platonic, as i was confused about the whole situation.  I was trying not to gatekeep Peri from his own damn community, because I’m not going to tell him his feelings are invalid when I’m not a lesbian.  You cant get mad at me for policing lesbian labels, and then not policing lesbian labels enough- what??  I don’t think I did anything wrong per say in this situation because I was telling white lies to be a good friend but I do know better now and try to emphasize that “and if you find out its comphet and you’re still a lesbian then thats totally valid!!!” and in fact I even think I did that at the time??

Both of these instances (I believe) are buried on an old server that I no longer have access to.  It’s possible they still exist.  But I didn’t think this thing with Peri would last well over a year later so I didn’t bother documenting any of it.  If peri has the screenshots, I would love to see it.  This is not sarcasm, I genuinely want to be informed what I did wrong.  I have a lot of great friends now and I would hate to hurt them by repeating mistakes I don’t even remember making.  I can’t learn if I’m not informed.  Once again, this is not sarcasm, irony, or passive aggressive.  This is genuine.  All I ever asked from Peri was to talk to me.

These are the last messages we exchanged before Peri’s goodbye message.  This is what our relationship was like.  And do NOT fucking tell me “Peri is clearly uncomfortable” - I’m autistic, Peri is neurodivergent, I do NOT read into subtext.  I have an anxiety disorder and will literally never be able to function if I read into everything as passive aggressive.  My autism does not excuse abusive behavior - but if you do not tell me about this behavior, which Peri never did, I can never get better.  I do not read that “im fine” as a silent plead for me to leave him alone when he literally was always talking about how annoyed he was by people overanalyzing his responses, seeing hostility where there was none, and he specifically said not to read into short replies as anything personal.  He said he had compassion fatigue.  Which is why I left him be until I had no choice.

The last vent I mentioned said “Shitty friends, shitty friends” on his private twitter.  I was worried it was about me and Rainy, because I figured if it wasnt, he would’ve told us who it was about.  And he never did.  So I’m pretty sure it was about us.  After disappearing for the day and making me and Rainy worried that he was suicidal, he sent us this goodbye message in our mutual server (which the only reason i have this is because i sent it to another friend because i didnt know how to feel and needed guidance)

This goodbye letter, despite seeming nice on the surface, blamed the trauma that me and Rainy faced as well as our particular interests for Peri leaving us.  One of my boundaries in our friendship was to tell me if anything was wrong so I could improve it and be a better person, and Peri broke that trust.  He was absolutely a shitty friend in that regard.  But just this goodbye letter I would’ve bought despite being disappointed...if he hadn’t called us shitty before.

By the way, at the time, the only thing I could think this would be about was not trusting Peri’s gut about some randos.  Rainy and I wanted to give those people a fair shot, and Peri accused us of not trusting him because of it.  You do not get to dictate who your friends do and dont hang out with, and you dont get to guilt trip them for hanging out with someone who has literally done nothing to you except act a little bit too much like our shared abuser Moony, wtf?

Peri also accused me of saying he and Moony were the same, when I did no such thing.  Rainy did!  And I immediately chastized Rainy for it, clarifying that I thought they were two different beasts entirely.

I forgot what I was talking about uhhh.  Oh yeah!

I’m not the one still talking about you over a year later.  I’ve moved on.  Remove me from your DNFI.  I didn’t remove you from mine because I realized I was the abuser and you were the victim - I removed you because I’m fucking done with this situation.  I only brought it up with your friend because you LITERALLY BLAMED MY INTERESTS AT THE TIME IN YOUR FAKE-ASS APOLOGY.  And what were me and Rainy talking about a bunch at the time?  Digimon!!  Aka the person who I talked to’s special interest!  I told them I would fuck off if they asked and I encouraged them to talk to you about it and have a genuine conversation.  Because I, unlike you, am a good person who lets people come to their own conclusions.

Also, you were 2 weeks away from being 16, and I was a few months into being 18.  Here are some of our conversations about becoming QPPs!

Should I have entered a QPR with my 7+ year friend who literally shaped me into who I am today when they were almost 16 and I was already several months into being 18?  Probably not!  But adulthood isn’t just some switch that goes off, and I was a dumbass.  Peri’s current GF is apparently being accused of being a predator, or something, according to one of Peri’s other posts?  I dont know whats happening because im not! a fucking! stalker! but Peri of all people should know what it’s like to have a small age gap blown into something bigger than it is.  Peri and I’s relationship didn’t change a whole lot after becoming QPPs - we were still close friends.  But after literally growing up with Peri, I didn’t realize that I needed to enact healthy boundaries with someone so young when they were the one who used to “troll” me when we were kids (AKA pretend to be mad at me or pretend to be someone else and then say “haha just kidding!” just to cause problems).

Peri has clearly built me up to be some kind of villain in his head.  And that’s fine, I really don’t care.  I go months without thinking of Peri, and he’s just a bad memory whenever I do think of him - well until I found out he’s calling me a pedophile and accusing me of making callouts that I never did and generally has been a pot calling the white marble countertop grey for the past year or so.  But I dont care.  I DONT CARE.

But if you want me to stop warning people about you, its simple.  Stop spreading lies about me.  Take my name out of your public vocabulary.  Take me and Rainy off your DNFI.  I do not think about you, I do not talk to people about you very often, most of my current friends didn’t know the things you did until today because I had no reason to tell them.

For anyone uninitiated - all you need to know is that this person’s tumblr title is “an aphobic [reclaimable slur]” and so by admission they like to harass other minorities for fun.  Seriously, you don’t have to be an ace inclusionist or even believe aphobia is real to just be a nice person, what the fuck?  This post in particular is extremely telling.

Also they retweeted a post from someone with the username “panphobe” so.

Just a few notes.  Hope the asexual who stans a literal stated aphobe gets tired of licking that boot soon.  And Peri too.  Your obsession with me is more unhealthy to you than it is to me.  Just...drop it.  I will only add to this if more accusations are thrown my way.   I am done with you.  You have a repeated behavior of this shit, and I want to add more things but they’re heresay from other people so I don’t feel comfortable adding them.  But yeah.  Stop hurting people.  Stop bullying people and being angry and aggressive for fun.  You’re not as cute as you think you are.  There’s a reason this shit keeps happening to you.  Get better soon.

As for me, I think I’ll spend the next three months going back to forgetting you exist.  I liked it there.  But you can keep thinking I’m stalking you if you’d like.  I have all the proof and evidence I need that you’re a fucking liar right here.  And most of your tweets accusing me of shit are deleted too.  Now leave me the fuck alone.

PS, even if aroaces arent oppressed, sending them hate messages based on something they cant control is really shitty :) its not like we’re still a minority group or anything!  I’m also literally trans, so you’re proving the fact that the bad exclusionists always target other LGBTs who happen to be aspec for their harassment :) but keep it going keep it going, every spiteful message sent to me specifically because im aspec and part of the LGBT community just fuels my agenda.