#i try to make it a bit deeper and im also upfront with saying that i know my voice is weird even if you think im a girl. its just bad ik)

[lecliss]

Made another new friend in Genshin but man it made me realize I'm no longer cut out for this human interaction stuff. Like it's cool to talk to people, especially ones I get along with and have stuff in common with, but I don't wanna add people on discord immediately and join servers they're in and look at videos they send me and play other games with them. Like basically "You're not getting me to a secondary location" ya know??? Like on here it's slow progression of interaction that becomes messaging that leads to all sorts of other friendship stuff and that's awesome, but stuff that takes up all my time to do other things I don't wanna do is like. Man, I'm old.

[kozykricket]

some ramblings, appreciating deltarunes "layers" of story/lore

I might have already written something about this before, but something that I really love about deltarune is that it's a game that (from what we can tell) has several different layers to the story that are all enjoyable, for different... levels of players to enjoy! Like, you have the upfront stuff, about oh, dark worlds, the knight, and kris' soul (protagonist vs player and such) but its mostly just some young teenagers goofing off going to fantasy worlds and learning some self improvement then you go a tad bit deeper, still things most people may ask and you have... well what the hecks up with dark worlds logistically, why is ralsei, and what dark worlds represent (escapism woah), and for some, secret bosses expanding on the whole free will + kris' soul shenanigans thats where it may end for most people, and i think thats great, that if you arent someone in extreme brainrot about the history of gaster then... i think the game will be very enjoyable without having to think about meta elements! and of course, as good writing tends to be, hints about one "level above" are slowly dropped to those who are below, to help them understand, but you get what im saying, right? its like, big nerds get thinking about the gaster shit earlier, before the game really is gonna start probably hammering in like hey whats up with that voice at the beginning

I do question whether dess will end up being about as secret as like, jevil is, or as secret as the man behind the tree and the mystery of the eggs is. but i feel like shes also a realy good opportunity for being a mystery thats almost entirely deltarune, without needing prior-context of who a random vaguely mentioned character in ut is. still, a lot of vague info is hidden in the files, so perhaps... hmm, well, there was that one abc_123 file where toby was like "don't share stuff from the files, thanks. you cant have secrets nowadays" and then.. i feel like when he changed it to just be laughter, that was his way of saying "alright, i see the game you want to play. ill play along" and thats why... for some people, hes playing the game of hiding mysterious stuff in the code. he knows what hes doing, of course. he knows people love looking in the games code, so hes trying to make it interesting even if people do that overall though i just like how theres different levels of enjoyment of the story so far. im sure the game will end up telling everyone about dess and gaster and such, in some way, but... for most people? itll be a game about the fun gang and their friends learning to become better people, and having some fun wacky adventures on the way there! tldr toby fox does "having different layers to your story" in a fairly interesting, enjoyable way. EDIT: yeah, ill make a v2 of this post. i more specifically am amazed at how you dont NEED to know the deeper layers than you want to, and its. cool !!

[uncloseted]

https://youtu.be/kJcpTSNWXdQ

https://youtu.be/yIZ8zUOXh2g

Can you watch these when you have the time? Im curious about your opinion on this because I think youre really smart and these are some topics rhats been on my mind lately! Thnk you so much ❤️❤️

Okay, so there’s a lot here.  I feel like I should admit upfront that I dislike Joe Rogan.  I won’t really dig into why because you didn’t ask for that, but I will say that if you want to listen to someone wax philosophical, I feel like it should be someone who was actually a philosopher (like Contrapoints or PhilosophyTube) instead of UFC commentator and former host of Fear Factor, Joe Rogan.  Anyway, let’s dig into these videos…. 

The first one is called “Unattainable Beauty Standard Outrage” and it’s with stand-up comedian Bill Burr.  Frankly, I find it to be frustrating because they’re both average looking white men complaining about an issue that they’re really not subject to in any meaningful way.�� Throughout this video, they conflate a lot of different issues-  the beauty standards average men and women are held to, the (edited) beauty standards present in advertisements, and the physical requirements actors and actresses are held to are all the same in this conversation.  They make them seem like it’s all the same when in reality that’s just…. three different conversations completely.  I think that’s a result of the fact that they’re just kind of talking, not making an argument or even really trying to get to a point.

Let’s start out with what they’re saying about the beauty standards that average people are held to.  Basically, their point is that if you cared about how you looked, you can compensate for it in other ways. The point here boils down to “ugly people won’t take the time to develop a personality like the rest of us, and they’re mad that they get treated differently.”  But the reality is that you can have a great personality, but discrimination based on physical appearance will still exist.  Similar to how discrimination based on sexuality isn’t cancelled out by white privilege or discrimination based on race isn’t cancelled out by being male, discrimination based on appearance isn’t cancelled out by having a winning personality.  Ugly people earn less than their attractive counterparts, on average have fewer friends, worse social skills, and less active sex lives, and are seen as less moral, trustworthy, and competent.  Women have it even worse; while men are able to compensate for their looks somewhat (and there are more “acceptable” looks that a man can have) through factors like wealth, social capital, and personality, women are taught from a young age that being attractive is the most important thing that they can be.  Because of that, women suffer more from looks-based discrimination than men do and are more impacted every time the standard for female beauty gets raised.

Moving on, they start complaining that the UK is banning advertisements that feature impossible standards of beauty.  To my knowledge, it’s actually only the London underground that did this, and I believe it specifically concerned advertisements that are digitally altered but selling a beauty product (correct me if I’m wrong here).  Specifically in this episode, they’re talking about products that promise you a “summer body” with a digitally altered image of a bikini model.   It’s false advertising when you show an edited model who supposedly got their body by using your product- and that should be illegal.  False advertising is illegal in lots of other realms.  You’re not allowed to claim that your dietary supplement will cure cancer, and you shouldn’t be able to claim that your “summer body” product will make you look like a digitally altered model.  Joe and Bill comment that people are being overly sensitive, and that these advertisements just make them “want to go to the gym”, but that misses the point completely.  Even if you went to the gym, there’s still tens of thousands of dollars of cosmetic surgeries and digital alterations that went into making that model look like that.  It’s not about work.  Those bodies aren’t achievable with work- the models themselves, who work out for hours a day and follow very strict diets, don’t look like that in real life either.  Pretending that those images are achievable through “hard work” is actually really damaging.  It can lead to people engaging in dangerous diets and exercise regimens, taking untested supplements, and feeling that their lack of results is a moral failing because they’re not “working hard enough” (which decreases self esteem).

Then they start talking about actors and actresses who are asked to lose weight for movies, and one actress in particular who publicly complained that she was asked to lose 15 pounds for a role.  Their takeaway is that the actress who complained is being lazy, that she was hired to be hot, and that she’s being ungrateful for the opportunity.  A quick fact check suggests that the person they’re talking about is Jennifer Lawrence, who said she “was told by producers of a film to lose 15 pounds in two weeks."  That’s a very different story to the one that they’re telling.  To lose 15 pounds in two weeks, 5′9, 140 pound Jennifer Lawrence would have had to burn 52,500 calories.  Even if she ate absolutely nothing and worked out at the level of an Olympic athlete 7 days a week, she would still have only burned 39,354 calories in two weeks.  That’s still 3.75 pounds short of 15 pounds of weight loss.  It was literally an impossible ask.  Upon telling the producer that she thought the weight loss demands were not appropriate, “he said he didn’t know why everyone thought I was so fat, he thought I was ‘perfectly fuckable.'”  And so to paint it as Jennifer Lawrence being lazy is a bit disingenuous.  But I’m willing to accept that maybe they just didn’t have that context, because it seems like their goal wasn’t actually to have a discussion based in research or argumentation- it’s to make the point that people are overly sensitive now and asking the world to cater to them.

Closing this conversation out, I don’t think it’s wrong for studios to ask actors to change their appearance for a role.  A big part of why people get cast for particular roles is their appearance, and as an actor, you have to be willing to adapt your appearance for the role. Just like you may be asked to dye your hair or wear colored contacts, I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to ask an actor to gain or lose weight for a role (especially since both men and women are asked to do that, and the studio provides them with the support to be able to do that safely).  Those bodies are achievable with work, and I don’t think it’s wrong to show those.  But I think there’s a larger conversation to be had about who’s being asked to change their weight and why.  Christian Bale lost 62 pounds for The Machinist because his character was supposed to be emaciated from his insomnia.  The studio didn’t ask Bale to do that.  He made the decision to do it on his own, even though it made sense for his character to be that thin.  By contrast, Jennifer Lawrence was asked by the studio to lose 15 pounds to... what?  Look hotter in the movie?  Almost every female actress is expected to look a certain way in order to even be considered for a role, whereas men can be fat, mediocre looking, older, balding, and still be cast.  Even when a woman is playing a role where being hot isn’t part of the narrative at all, she’s still expected to be hot.  Even when you’re playing a character that’s “let themself go” or has “hit rock bottom”, the actress needs to look hot.  For men, there’s not that same requirement.  Having hot girls in your movie absolutely do get more people to see it, sure, but the cost is that you’re reinforcing the idea that women must be, above else, hot all the time.

So that’s that.  Let’s move on to the second video,  “No, It's Not "All Men"”, featuring comedian Iliza Shlesinger.  I should say that I like Iliza quite a bit and I’ve seen her perform, so I’m curious to see where this goes.  It’s also important to note they’ve been smoking weed, which... provides some context to this episode, I think.

So again, they start by bitching about this “beach body ready” ad that got “pulled in the UK” (actually just from the London underground) that Joe is so up in arms about.  This time he shows the ad, and it turns out that it was pulled due to “concerns about a range of health and weight loss claims made in the ad”.  The concern is false advertising.  So again, to paint it as, “ugly women are too sensitive because some women are actually beautiful” is disingenuous, and serving the narrative that “people these days are too sensitive”.  They’re also making the assumption that this ad hasn’t been digitally altered, which I find difficult to believe.  

Iliza goes on to talk about how her boobs are real and some people ask her if they’re fake, and she doesn’t like that, and how women shouldn’t judge other women to their faces about how fake they perceive them to be.  I think that’s a fine claim to make on an interpersonal level, but I also think that if we don’t start acknowledging all of the manipulation and work that goes into appearing “effortlessly beautiful”, we’re going to fall deeper into this beauty standard arms race.  Iliza kind of gets a pass on this because she openly admits to having a “fake nose”.  Then she makes a good point about how women will be hated no matter what they do, and so it’s important to remember that when someone doesn’t like you, it typically has more to do with them than it does with you.  She also says that when you don’t like someone, it’s important to do some introspection to figure out where that’s coming from, which is also great advice.  Then they wander into talking about how feminism doesn’t mean that you like women more than men or that you’re asking for special treatment, just that you support the idea of equality, and that’s fine. Joe rogan praises Iliza for being “a feminist, but not annoying”, which is gross.

Iliza then says that feminists who say, “all men” are part of the problem, and I think she’s just missing the point.  When feminists say, “yes, all men”, what they mean is that all men are benefiting from male privilege, regardless of the actions that they’re taking (or not) to better that situation.  People in positions of privilege have to acknowledge that privilege in order to be able to better the situation, and by separating yourself out as “not one of those men”, you’re saying “it’s not my problem because I’m one of the good ones, so I don’t have to think about myself critically or alter my behavior in any way.”  That said, I think Iliza is right that that stance can be taken too far and serve to alienate the men who are allies in the feminist fight for equality.  

Then, Iliza equates the phrases “all men are bad” and “all women are sluts”.  I think this is a bad take; “all men are bad” is a generalization made by a marginalized group about a powerful group that they’ve been victimized by.  Every woman I know has had some type of intimidating, frightening, dangerous, humiliating, or dehumanizing experience with a man during their lifetime.  “All women are sluts” is a powerful group insulting a group that they marginalize, with the intention of controlling that group’s actions (by making them feel ashamed of being “slutty” they’ll stop being “sluts).  “Slut” is also particularly charged in this scenario, because it centers maleness.  What is a slut?  A slut is (usually) a woman who sleeps with men but who won’t sleep with the man calling her a slut.  Which, coming full circle, is why some women say “all men are bad”.  

I get their larger point that generalizations are rarely helpful, but again, they’re making this false equivalency between a political slogan (”all men”), a gendered insult (“all women are sluts”), and random, unhelpful advice, (”women want you to slow down in the bedroom”).  In the first case, the generalization serves a purpose- it’s to let men know that they’re not exempt because they’re a “good guy”.  In the second case, it’s an insult that contributes to a gendered power structure.  In the third case, it’s just shorthand for “the majority of women that we’ve surveyed” because repeating that phrase over and over again will take away from the point they’re trying to make (that maybe you could be better in bed by listening to the sluts, Joe).

All in all, I like this one better than the first one, but Joe Rogan hasn’t grown on me over the course of watching these videos.

[beecherdrysdale]

Yes I love our friendship !! Also shoutout to my playlist for playing like a G6 to get me in the mood to write this lol. #teamcanadaplayingthissong.

Lmao our ship name is ligid or not? hehe. Yes thank you Jamie Drysdale for existing, we like you vv much.

Aw I’m sorry about your joint problems that really sucks. Even if they don’t bother you a lot. Actually the resistance training helped me, all of that just made my hips jacked lol . So I’m happy that it doesn’t bother me that much!

Yayy I’ll come visit! You can take me to all the fun places . Oo please come back with me, driving in Canada out of city is just wildlife and road hehe. It’s all straight and a bit curvy especially if you are driving to B.C. Honestly it would be so fun , you can sit upfront with me. You can have the aux. The music would be great. I think we would need to make frequent stops lol because everyone is tall and needs to stretch and walk around lol. I think at some point they would be asking “are we there yet” constantly hehe. We would chirp each other, eat a bunch of snacks, sing along to music, and just be joking around a lot lol. Idk it’s just my imagination!. Who would you want to be in the same car as you? Let’s say we rent out a 7 seater.

I think I’ll jump onto quinner next, let him have a fitness challenge for a bit hehe. Coach Brigid is gonna be working you guys. I actually have heard about the core concept! It helped me a lot! You’re gonna be a great coach. I will wear that shirt and it will have you and Dylan playing chicken lol. Ooo we should make shirts that has a team pic on it + us #memories.

Lol, we do like to spell things differently. Hehe yes, me + Ryan would be crazyyyyy and we would probably act like we are going to crash into you guys. You know you love us :)) okkkk i am still imagining his chin on your shoulder🥺 it makes my heart melt. Yess I want it to get spicyyyyyy. Or if it were reversed you could hold him around the waist, im just gonna say it- he has a great bod.(nice job dyl)

Ikkk quinton and devon would dominate in the hair department and give us Dutch braids or any other hairstyle- I’m not sure what you would want?. Wow your hair is long, it’s probably so pretty!! I have thick hair and a lot of it so it’s annoying to brush lol. Aww Dylan and Jamie playing w your hair 😍

Yes option 2 is great :) yes him helping you in would be so cute! Lol I would probably just jump in. But I would love them to help me hehe. Yesss let’s go buy matching frames! I want that in my room:)

Hmmm what colours do you have? Also what colour do u want your Holloway hoodie? Haha yes I was like who’s Lexi? That sucks that it’s cold in your school. And it sucks that you can’t wear any sweats or hoodies.

It would be so fun to dance w everyone! But we would slay the dance floor. I’m a crazy dancer so get ready to get dizzyyyyy. Yes you, Jamie and Dylan having cute moments is a must!. Awww maybe I could convince him but he might step on my feet lol. Idk I just love that feeling of slow dancing with somebody. Yk, being close, they’re arms around your waist etc.

Lol yea, a bonfire on the beach is something I really want to do! I still don’t believe you have a bad voice! Idk I have a deeper voice than girls I know so it doesn’t sound really good when I sing. I’m good just letting the guys sing and dyl playing the guitar . Aww I wanna cuddle on the beach, but yes falling asleep on the beach and then waking up would be the funniest thing. Just everybody looking around and seeing who they fell asleep on hehe. I see u sleeping on dyl or maybe even Jamie?. Some good insta photos will be taken, so we can flex even more :)

Ok you and Dylan are partners again if you want. I think I’ll go w Ryan just cuz he’s competitive as well and we would be a good match against you guys. Yes you’ll reassure us again! We’d help them get over their fears- it’s what friends are for!. Zip lining is so fun, have you ever gonna on a double zip line with someone - like when you’re facing each other?.

I have come to the conclusion that I’m in between both, like you with Jamie and Dylan🥺 I’ll see at the end lol!

Also escape rooms- thoughts how that would be?

haha my gym teacher played like a g6 during gym one day and i was just like team canada where you at? and then my team won, so that song’s good luck now. ok so we have 2 options for our ship name lmao: ligid or brexi. which one do you like better? and yes jamie we love you, if you see this feel free to hmu

hehe yes we can tour chicago together. tbh there’s not all that much, but we could go to navy pier and the maggie daley park. and then drive thru canada together! just open road with no one else where you can go way above the speed limit is the best for road trips tbh. yes i get aux! idk if people would like my music tho lol it’s kind of all over the place. like a lot of the 2000′s stuff like like a g6, but then also a lot of rap and a lot of country. hehe yes lots of stops to stretch our legs and get more food lol. and definitely there would be a lot of singing, chirping, and asking are we there yet lmao. ok if we have a 7 seater, definitely the two of us, dyl, jamie, quinner, braden, and then maybe quinton for our 7th person?

hehe yes give quinner that fitness challenge lol. yes ik engaging your core helps sm but no one ever believes me when i tell them. but the thing is if you don’t your torso will sink which makes it harder to swim. hehe i’ll make everyone great at swimming. ooooh yes team dylan + brigid shirts and team canada + lexi + brigid shirts 

hehe yes i can definitely see you guys pretending you were gonna crash into us. but we love you guys anyways lol. yes the chin on the shoulder seems like the softest thing 🥺 but then also if his hands were on my waist and it starts to get spicy and maybe they start to drift just a bit lower 😏 oooh yes if i could hold him around the waist, yes he does have a vv nice bod. i mean have you seen his wakeboarding pic on his insta?

yesss i love dutch braids, quinton or devon please put them in my hair for me. oooh you have thick hair, that’s so lucky. thick hair is so pretty! and yes i would love it if they play with my hair, idk why but it’s just so soothing to me when people do 😍

hehe you just jumping into the raft and we almost flip, i could see that happening. unless of course they help you in, in which case we’re safe from flipping lol. but that would be such a cute pic to put in my room with our matching frames

i have a lot of different blue/turquoise ones and about half of them are tie-dye (i also have a grey one, but i refuse to part with it sorry) for the holloway hoodie, maybe red? i don’t have a lot of red. or grey bc i love my gray hoodies lmao i just realized i spelled grey two different ways in the same sentence

haha same i’m a pretty crazy dancer too, so we can be dizzy together lol. hehe jack stepping on your feet bc he’s tipsy and he’s never really slowdanced before, i could see it. it would be so cute lol. and yes slowdancing gives me 🦋🦋 in my stomach

actually same i have a kind of deep voice for a girl, so i don’t like my singing voice. like it’s ok but definitely not good. but it would be so cute to cuddle on the beach and just end up falling asleep together. or just imagine you’re sitting by the bonfire but you get cold so one of them gives you their flannel and then pulls you closer to keep you warm 🥺🥺 

hehe get ready for me and dylan to dominate again. i love any kind of ropes/obstacle course so i’ve done a ton of them. but yeah we would definitely have to reassure some of the guys. no i haven’t been on a double zipline but it sounds super fun

oooh an escape room would be super fun! i did one once and it was so chaotic but somehow our team was the first one out of our room even tho we had the hardest one. but i definitely feel like some of the guys would be super into and super good at it, some of them would be trying but would just be super confused, and some of them would just be wandering around watching the chaos unfold lol. who do you think would be which?

also yes you with quinner or braden 🥺

[mykniverse]

17

TW// self harm, beatings, suicide, death

i remember storming home first, leaving family members behind. my thighs were pinched with thongs and i was dragged and locked out of the house in the cold. i was given a jug of water, some fruits and my schoolbag.

when sh did the same, he was lectured and was told not to do it again. 

i remember accidentally lashing out and i was forced to eat cili padi at 10 pm. 

when sh and iq did it, they were only shouted at.

i remember the day you found my goodbye card for my guy friend in primary school. i was scolded and shouted at and also beaten up.

when sh and iq exchanged love letters with girls, nothing was said or done.

i remember asking if i could go out with my friend at 9. i wasnt allowed to because i failed my exams.

sh and iq are able to go out even when their results are bad.

i remember wanting to go to a level camp so bad i wrote a note, begging to be allowed to go. but i got scolded for writing the note and i wasnt allowed to go. i wasnt allowed to go to camps till i was 13.

sh was able to go to camps between ages 11 and 12 with no problems.

i remember being told that if i failed PSLE i will be married off to a random guy. i was told to aim for 200. i scored 199. i didnt get to hear any “good job” or “you did well” as we had to rush to KL as someone passed on. in fact i didnt get to hear anything even after the trip. 

i remember sunday practices. waking up to reciting the timetable at the door no matter who was passing by. no breakfast till youre satisfied. and on weekdays after school, i’d have to recite them on a stool in front of the window where the sun was merciless. i remember when i collapsed due to the heat. i was in pain when i regained consciousness. i was asked to eat but while i was getting food i was slapped. i was laughed at by sh and iq.

i joined netball at 8. i was forced to quit at 9 because i didnt do well for my exams. i wasnt in any ccas till i was 13. but i couldnt choose what i wanted. i was forced to join a uniformed group. 

sh joined a dance cca and it was approved. iq joined badminton but quit. then he joined malay dance. both times it was approved. he was in the prefect team too. you kept giving him chances after chances even though he keeps failing. why couldnt i get the same amount of chances?

it was sh’s turn to take PSLE. when i texted about his results (i was out), you told me he did better than me. i was shocked as to how he could get 200 and above. he dropped out of the normal stream to foundation. he only scored 130. you were so proud of him. he went into a technical school and you supported him so much. i couldnt even choose which school i wanted to go to. “choose a school where you dont have to spend 5 years studying” but the first choice that you put would have led me to spend 5 years in secondary school. in the end i got the last choice that you put.

i remember you finding out that i was talking to a guy when i was 10. we were just talking. you found out and beat me up. i couldnt walk properly for the rest of the day. 

sh and iq are saying upfront that they have girlfriends but nothing is happening to them.

i got my first tiny phone that barely works at 13. i got my first actual, second hand phone at 14. and an actual phone that wasnt passed down at 15

they got their first brand new phones at 8 and 12 respectively.

i remember entering a new school with an old bag that sags while they continued being in the same school with new bags.

i remember you asking me to choose a new bag and i asked about them. you said they wont be getting the same. i felt special. till you asked them to get new bags too.

you gave me an anello bag for school once. i felt special again because i was the only one who had it. but a week later they have it too.

i remember only going out with my friends at 15. but my curfew was before dusk. 

iq went out at 9. sh went out at 13.  you gave sh a curfew. he came home hours later and didnt even get scolded. i brought it up and you acknowledged it but nothing happened.

i remember going home late after school. im a teen am i not supposed to have fun with my friends? but you brought it up to one of the upper ups in school. i was put on probation for months. it was embarrassing. teachers thought that i committed a crime. an innocent me is getting probation? why? because i go home late. i cant say that i have things after school at the last minute because you say its ridiculous and bullshit.

sh goes home late. you caught him at the playground, mall, void decks. you scold him. and he does it again. but nothing major happens. iq calls or texts you that he is staying in school and you allow him to. 

i remember self harming between ages 12 to 15. i was asked to go counselling. now i realised that the counselling was nothing. it didnt help at all. they put the blame on me. when you found out about this, i remember you scolding me. “what is there to be depressed about? youre only 14. all you have to do is study” i was scolded so much for being depressed and for self harming. you had to go for some parents counselling thingy too. i remember that one time i hit an all time low and self harmed again. sh snitched on me and told you about my scars. you got so mad when you saw the scars. i remember what you said to me. “why dont you do it deeper? end the burden once and for all. it’s so burdening and tiring to go to counselling after work?” i remember crying non stop. till we meet him. i was crying in the train. sh and iq was pointing at me and laughing. what you didnt know was that i was typing my suicide notes. i planned my suicide. when we met him, you told him and he glared at me so hard. i was given the silent treatment for so long. when you asked me why, i lied and say that im hated by people. how do i tell the cause of my depression that they are the cause of my depression?

i remember when i stopped self harming and counselling sessions are done. you got new piercings and i asked you if it hurts. you would always retaliate by saying that me self harming hurts more than getting pierced. you consistently did this while i was trying to heal. i remember when jonghyun passed on. i broke down a lot. i cried a lot. i revealed my vulnerable side. but i was mocked. “when a celebrity dies, she’s crying her eyes out. i wonder if she would even cry when her mom passes away.” i literally had to excuse myself so i dont break down in front of you.

i remember that you talked to me before i went on to pursue my tertiary education. you said you were disappointed in me. you said you didnt understand why i was content with my shitty results. i was content because the entire of 2018 was peak depression period. i could barely study because it was so overwhelming. the fact that i managed to even go somewhere was huge to me. i knew i disappointed you a lot because i was the only one who managed to maintain the standard and express stream. you didnt expect me to be where i am now. i put some money from my salary to pay my school fees and uniform for the first term. i already disappointed you so i didnt want to burden you. but you took it the wrong way. you thought i was trying to overthrow your responsibilities as a parent. you said that i was excited to grow up and get rid of you from my life. i remember being so shocked. yes i want to grow up so i leave this household but i have never once thought of getting rid of you.  

i remember and i know that you are very against what im doing now and what i want to do in the future. but im 17 now. im turning 18 soon. how long more are you gonna make my decisions for me? why cant i choose what i want to be? 

why do you assume that my depression is gone just because i dont have to go for counselling? why do you still joke about me self harming? why do you blame whatever sh and iq do on me? “monkey see, monkey do” what did i do? im still harming myself in a way. i picked up smoking at 13. and i started drinking recently. i have no idea where im gonna end up. a successful writer? at the void deck passed out? on the road surrounded by my own blood? i really dont know where i’ll end up. i dont know how long more i can take your hostile words. i hear that im useless every day. i hear that im hopeless every day. you always say that you dont understand us. why dont you try? why dont you try to put down your ego for a bit and try to understand us? try to understand me. try to talk to me. dont you notice that i never talk about how im doing? all i say is that im tired. and you scold me. “if youre tired then dont go to school” you dont even know when i get sick unless its the holidays. we stay under the same roof yet you dont know me at all. and you didnt raise me. for almost 10 years of my life, i was raised by my grandparents. please for once. stop talking and listen. understand. comfort instead of scolding. please. im losing my mind.

[trayvonfleary-blog]

General Assembly Software Engineering Immersive

Hello All, instead of posting my normal content relating to cars and/or trucks, I will be taking a deeper dive into my daily life, particularly regarding the software engineering immersive program that I am currently undergoing, which is a technology bootcamp. For a couple of months, I am going to sway away from discussing different sectors within the automotive industry while I focus strictly on technology, but automotive is not going anywhere so stay tuned for big announcements following;)

What Is It?

Currently I’m completing General Assembly’s Software Development Immersive, which is a “12 week award-winning program that has expert instructors and career coaches, and connect graduates with 19k+ hiring partners to get them jobs at A-list companies.” It is slated as your best course for career transformation. The company boats 9,000+ hires, as it states that they are the leader in placing their grads into high-growth, and high-pay tech jobs. Yes, this is all accomplished within 12 weeks. I’m sure you’re asking, “Are these jobs guaranteed?” Of course not, but the company is quite confident. Continue reading as to “why?” after this quick infographic below illustrating what you can expect from this program.

Im currently entering into my 5th week of this program. On our first day, a General Assembly employee bursts in our classroom, after getting another graduate hired, and asked, “Did you guys here about our last cohort?”, which had ended a couple of months prior. We had no clue what she was referring to but then she claims that their last cohort had a 93%+ hire rate. Impressive right. Thats a way to bring some motivation if you had any doubts before. Who knows if this was the truth, but they were all very excited and I have personally heard from some earlier attendees about the jobs that they received after the course and some even during the last week or 2 of the course ending. Before this starts sounding like a fantasy world where you can spend the 3 months and someone else can spend 4-5 years getting a computer science degree and you both end up with the same job (very possible), I’m going to break things down a bit.

Tuition Options?

First, starting with cost, I feel that the tuition share agreement is the best payment option and allows many people who can’t afford it to have a chance at something that can be life changing. It is not yet available in all states, but it’s a great option if you are not trying to pay $14k(approximate tuition cost) out of pocket and upfront(or in a few payments).  Focusing on the $0 upfront income share agreement, it is structured very fair in my opinion. You are only required to pay an upfront $250 deposit until you land a software engineering job (ex: web development, full stack, etc) and depending on your location, entry level is probably hovering around $60k and above.

So if you don’t land a job, you are not at the hands of a huge loan that you cannot afford and most importantly, you’re not out of $14k+ that many pay to take the program. If you have additional experience in UX/UI design, and/or other skills for that matter, your pay can be a lot higher.

Income Share Agreement?

As far as General Assembly not offering the income share agreement not being offered in all states, specifically New York at the moment, I believe that it has to do with the amount of jobs being offered and the amount that are vacant. Here in the Greater Atlanta Area, the tech scene is taking on massive growth along with an abundant amount tech jobs that have yet to be filled. Whether it’s startups, fintech companies, or larger corporations, there is a massive demand for tech jobs in many industries here. I’m not sure of the availability in other cities and states in respective to the amount of tech workers seeking employment.

Adding to the tuition share agreement option, applicants are also subject to a more strict batch of pre course work, along with an evaluation to see if you are prepared and can be successful at this program. My pre course work (estimated to take 40 hours if you have prior knowledge) took me at least 60+ hours, and thats literally. Going through the pre course work, I decided to take notes and continue to reference them even when the program started so that I could truly retain the information, just as I would with another language until I could demonstrate it effortlessly.

Negatives?

The only negative to this income share agreement is that the total amount paid for the course increases to approximately $20,000, instead of the $14,000 that you could sign up for up front after getting accepted. Although this $20,000 will be paid for over a multiple of years (small monthly payments ranging from $300-$800 per month), depending on how much income you are making per year with the lower end being around the $50k end and the upper being $100k+ end.

That is where the trade off comes in, as you decide whether you would want to pay $14k up front or $20k over a multiple of 3-5 years. Simply put, both options come with what some will see as a hefty price but when compared to the average college tuition for 3-5 years, it is significantly less. So is it worth it?  My simple answer: Yes, but its not for everyone and also depends on how much time you willing to dedicate!

What does it take?

Personally, as I’m approaching week 5 in the 12 week program, I would say that it is well worth it. This may not be the same for everyone else. There are so many factors that go into this decision and realizing if it is worth it for you or not. First off, the program is 12 weeks long and runs on a very strict schedule, from Monday – Friday (9am-5pm). All of my cohort(class) had to quit their jobs, and/or whatever else they were doing including school, etc. This IS NOT just a 9-5 job for three months. Ample time is required outside of class for this program to be worth it. You get what you give. Currently, it is very normal for me and my “codemates” to spend another 20-40+hours outside of class per week, on top of our current 9-5 days.

Being Prepared?

Handling this amount of work in such a short period of time is life changing mentally, physically, socially, and financially of course. Savings is required as it’s almost impossible to take on a full time job during this time. Knowing how to handle stress and pressure is also very important, as there will be a lot of ups and downs during the course. Another importance is your family and support. Your time will be very limited during this time, so just be prepared to be a bit disconnected during this time.

For me, personally, I had no real coding experience before starting the pre work for this program, but doing a lot of studying in the year prior to signing up for the program certainly helped with knowing different technologies and frameworks, and what they were used for. Regardless, free time gets pretty scarce during this time of development. It is extremely tough to stay consistent with a certain level of focus each and every day in this program, as it’s basically like learning a new language. So, being prepared is very critical.

The Daily Grind?

Each and every day has a structured schedule that we are given at the beginning of the cohort. The days normally start with lecture, or a quick meeting if it’s project week. Throughout the day, we go through enormous amounts of material, but it’s never just a lecture. Practice, practice, and more practice! Daily learning on how to structure, develop, and implement responsive webpages and applications from the ground up. This is where General Assembly separates itself from just trying to read and learn to code online, or even while pursuing a 4 year computer science degree while spending meaningless time on classes and material that you don’t need or ever use again.

As the saying goes, if you want to learn Chinese, the fastest way is to get dropped directly into the middle of China! This is the exact same. You’re being thrown right into the programming fire everyday, but in a good way. All of the new information learned is always directly followed by practice, as you jump right into the CLI(command line interface) and your IDE(integrated development environment). HTML, and CSS fly by within the first couple of days and then you will be jumping directly into Javascript. After that, you are off and running, and thats when the real challenge starts and the bulk of the course begins.

Is It Really Worth It?

All in all, I think it is definitely worth it if you have a passion to work in tech, whether to create your dream company or to work for another. This is the case, but this immersive program is not something that you spend a little time on and make it into a small side gig. If that’s what you’re looking for, then programming may not be ideal for you. It takes intense focus and dedication to be successful in the field. One mistake can crash an entire program, or maybe even delete an entire database and cause the company to crash. What if someone deleted the entire database of Uber drivers because they told the computer an incorrect command? Of course this would not happen, as their infrastructure has too much sophistication for that to happen, but the company would literally be out of operations for who knows how long and this would cause the end of one of the biggest companies that the world has ever seen.

If you’re not passionate about it, and that goes for anything in life, then you shouldn’t waste your time and/or money. It is also only worth it if you have time. This point needs to be emphasized. For example: If you have a family and can’t afford to quit your full time job, this is not a good idea. I’ve found that many who go through these programs don’t have many responsibilities at the moment, or they have wonderful supporters around them who help them throughout the duration. The immersive is very time consuming, and some may find it easier than others, but the amount of time that has to be put in is undeniable.

In a quick rundown, within 5 weeks, I have learned HTML, CSS, Javascript/jQuery, started creating our own servers, learning node, express, mongoDB, certain data structures and science, and so much more underlying information. This is not everything, and has taken massive work outside of class along with in class work and lecture. Just 5 weeks ago, I wouldn’t even know where to start.

Why Would You Put Yourself Through Such a Daunting Task?

For me, taking this leap was about being creative and bringing my ideas to life, as I push to provide immense value to this world for decades to come. My friends have always told me that I have all of the ideas, but to me they meant nothing if I could never bring them to life. I avoided obtaining these skills for the simple reason of believing that they were too time consuming, or that it was too old to start now, or simply because of me believing that I didn’t belong in that time of environment (the common imposture syndrome). Whether you’re a cook, waitress, sales associate, truck driver, garbage truck operator or whatever it may be, you can be successful not only in this program, but in this career field as a whole.

All of these technologies are fairly new, relative to our society, and if you spend 10+ hours a day on something while someone else maybe spends a hour every few days, you will be amazed at how far you can go. If you are thinking of a career change, or simply love the tech field and need this sort of structure to learn, I will highly advise taking General Assembly’s Software Engineering Immersive if time and your situation persists. You will also hear the phrases “Web Developer”, “Full Stack Developer”, etc associated with software engineering as a lot of the knowledge intertwines.

Youtube Series Update?

Last but NOT LEAST, stay tuned as this will be just an intro to these blog and content posts regarding my Software Development journey. I aim to produce this content for the remaining 7-8 weeks in the course, while also producing content beyond the program as I work on different projects and aim to connect with like minded people in the industry. In the upcoming posts, I will link a youtube video that goes into depth about my particular General Assembly Immersive location, in the Greater Atlanta Area. Stay tuned, and be blessed!

[callsignbaphomet]

RadAway

This has been sitting in my Docs since January 2016. Back into Fallout 4 so edited and fixed it as much as I could. Kinda---ok pretty cornny I guess.

He’d jumped into the water after him, Jelani knew it happened but he still couldn't believe it, he jumped into the water after him. He never goes near large bodies of water, nowhere near rivers, ponds, lakes, much less the shore. Just the thought of Libertalia made Angelus hyperventilate. He’d bite into mirelurk cakes and other mirelurk food with such ferocity you’d think he was eating it out of spite instead of hunger. If it had anything to do with large bodies of water or anything that lived in it Angelus would turn back in fear. So why did he jump into the water to help him?

 The mercenary stood by the front door and kept an eye out for Rayner’s arrival. It shouldn't have taken this long, when they spoke on the ham radio he told Jelani he was tending to some wounded settlers over at Coastal Cottage, another settlement Jelani thought of as too small, too exposed and too miserable to be considered a proper living quarter. Recent raider attacks proved him right.

 Rayner had given him his word that as soon as he was done with tending to the wounded he’d make his way over to them. For now all Jelani could do for Angelus was to keep him away from anything radioactive and to give him plenty of purified water. As cruel as it sounded it would've also been best if he avoided any food for the time being. In his delicate state even half a gram of radioactive intake could worsen his state and create further health problems.

 In the distance Jelani spotted Dagny patrolling the area, she usually did so with Maya by her side but Maya had stayed with Angelus to keep an eye on him. As soon as Jelani had gotten him to lay down in bed and placed a blanket over him Maya had jumped into bed with him and placed her head on his neck while keeping watch and trying her best to comfort him.

 “Hey, Dagny! C’mon, girl!” Jelani called out to the small night stalker who quickly turned her head towards him and ran to him as her tail wagged. That's what Jelani loved about Dagny, the world could end all over again and she’d still look at Jelani with a huge, goofy grin on her face and her tail would wag so fast the rattler at the end of her tail would sound more like a hum. He thought that as long as Dagny would smile, wag her tail and look up at him with those two big pretty eyes nothing could be as bad as it seemed.

 As Dagny ran towards Jelani he tapped his chest twice which prompted her to jump up so he could carry her. When the creature was caught Jelani hugged her tightly and walked into the barn. Once inside he set her down and she ran over to Maya who was still next to Angelus. Dagny stood on her hind legs and stretched her neck forward to sniff around the bed while wagging her tail and putting on a huge, goofy grin. This made Jelani feel slightly better; he hadn't shown any concern towards Angelus’ injuries, not because he didn't care, but because he didn't want to cause panic. A cool and reserved head in these situations proved better.

 “Hey, girl…” Angelus spoke with a raspy whisper as he slowly stretched his arm out to pet Dagny.

 “Down, Dagny. Leave ‘im alone.”

 “It’s fine...I’m okay.” Angelus said as he turned to Maya to pet her as well.

 “No, you're not.” Jelani walked over to the chair he'd placed close to the bed and sat down. He checked Angelus and was relieved to see his nose had stopped bleeding though his eyes were still bloodshot and watery. He placed his palm on his forehead but his fever hadn't lowered despite his best efforts to keep him cool.

 “It’s okay, sweetie.” Angelus reassured Maya who’d let out a quiet whimper. “I never even asked...are you okay?” The question had obviously been directed at Jelani.

 “I’m fine.”

 “Don't worry so much. I’ll be fine.” Angelus chuckled as he sat up on the bed. He clicked his tongue as he scratched behind both of Maya’s ears and smiled at the dog.

 Jelani wanted to say something or rather ask something. He knew Angelus was terrified of water and of anything that swam in it. Mirelurks were frightening but mirelurk kings terrified him to the bone, they were known for dragging their prey to the deeper ends of whatever lake or shore they lived in and pulled them down ultimately drowning their prey. When that mirelurk king had grabbed Jelani and pulled him under he thought he was done for. Just remembering the incident was terrifying enough to send a chill down his spine. The helpless feeling of kicking as much as he could only to keep going further down, watching the bubbles of air rapidly shooting up, fear of not knowing how much longer he could hold his breath, fear of swallowing irradiated water and the panic he felt when his chest began to burn. If it hadn't been for that one well-placed kick to the creature’s head he might have drowned. It was like a fuzzy memory buried in the back of his mind that seemed to have been too fast to process but Jelani knew it had been Angelus who ran down the dock to where he was and helped him out of the water before the aquatic beast could grab him again. It was hours later when Jelani managed to process the fact that Angelus had rushed to help him. He set aside his fear of water and aquatic creatures to help him despite having always joked that he would have Jelani’s back no matter what unless it involved water.

 Unfortunately the rescue almost ended in tragedy when the mirelurk swam back up and grabbed Angelus. In his panic he had quickly opened his mouth to shout and ingested a lot of irradiated water, water that also filled his lungs. When Jelani managed to finally kill the creature he’d pulled Angelus to the surface and between Maya and Dagny they got him to shore where Jelani managed to get him to start breathing again. But due to the high level of radiation in the water and how much of it got into Angelus he’d quickly began to show signs of radiation sickness. Luckily his nose and gums hadn't bled that much but as the hours went by Jelani grew worried over how much Angelus was slouching and breathing hard. He was worried about the fact that his skin kept getting paler by the minute. Why did he risk drowning? He’d let others die gruesome deaths before, why was Jelani an exception? Jelani had his suspicions, he’d been carefully watching Angelus’ behavior for the past two months and as careful as he was he’d sometimes slip and make it seem a bit obvious so that Jelani could notice. This past week his slip ups were frequent and careless. Maybe it was nothing at all but Jelani just couldn't let it go, he had to hear Angelus’ answer.

 “Can I ask you something?” Jelani broke the silence.

 “Mmmm what?”

 “Why did you jump into the water to help me? You hate water; you're scared to death of it.”

 Jelani looked at Angelus as he waited for an answer. He noticed he’d stopped scratching Maya’s ears and sat perfectly still, Jelani could even tell he’d stopped breathing for a few seconds.

 “I didn't want to--”

 “Hello? Jelani!”

 Before Angelus could answer Rayner had finally arrived. While Jelani was glad that he did his timing was terrible. He balled up his hands into a fist out of frustration and quickly stood up to open the door.

 Angelus noticed the reaction but was both relieved and annoyed at the interruption. He decided to not bring up the conversation again unless Jelani did, whether he was truthful or not was up for debate.

 “Hey, guys.” Rayner greeted as he walked into the barn and walked up to Angelus. His usual cheerful smile was plastered across his face as he stood in front of his patient. His cheerful disposition and happy smiles worked with children and most adults but Angelus was always reserved around doctors. He knew Rayner was legit and cared for his patients but he still couldn't help but feel nervous around him.

 “So what happened?”

 “Mirelurk king attacked us. Pulled him into the water and he almost drowned.” Jelani explained.

 “Swallowed a lot of water?”

 “Yeah.”

 “All right, what are the symptoms so far?”

 “Nose bled for a while, his gums were bloody, he threw up a couple times on our way here, gotten really pale, his eyes are watery and bloodshot, and he has a fever.”

 “Any blood in the vomit?”

 “I...didn't look in it.” Jelani regrettably admitted.

 “A little bit.” Angelus spoke up.

 “Okay, how long ago was he exposed to the water?”

 “Probably fourteen hours ago.”

 “Alrighty, lemme just take a look here for a sec. Open your mouth as wide as you can.” Rayner held Angelus’ mouth open but as soon as he looked inside he jerked back in surprise. “Oh, boy…”

 “What?” Jelani asked with a little more concern in his tone than he had intended.

 Angelus caught the tone and quickly looked to Jelani who’d taken a few steps toward him.

 “Gums are bleeding again. Sorry, Angelus, gonna have to go direct this time.” Rayner said as he looked through his medical bag.

 “What do you mean?”

 Rayner retrieved a large plastic bag with a white label on the surface with “RadAway” crudely written on it. The sickly orange colored liquid swished as Rayner placed the bag beside Angelus as he retrieved the other tools he needed. As he did he gave the boys instructions that they needed to follow if they wanted Angelus to recover.

 “Now, you're gonna need to stay with this on you all night long and I’m sorry to say there will be side effects. Mostly just a headache and stomach pain which shouldn't be too bad but just in case. Jelani?” Rayner turned to Jelani and handed him a syringe but before letting go of the chem he sternly gave more instructions, “This is only for extreme cases. It doesn't happen a lot but it does happen. Should the headache or stomach pain be very painful give him this.”

 “Got it.”

 “Leaving only one Med-X just in case.”

 “What the fuck do you mean by that, Doc?” Angelus bitterly said. He knew exactly what Rayner had meant but knowing full well that Rayner was not a combative person or one to be upfront he wanted to make him say what he had meant as a means to embarrass him and startle him from taking jabs at him. It hadn't been a jab but Angelus felt it had been.

 “I mean you have a problem and by the track marks on your arm it isn't a small problem though I am glad to see there aren't any fresh ones at all.”

 Angelus chuckled to masquerade the fact that his plan backfired and blew up in his face. Seems Rayner had taken his wife’s advice to grow a pair and not let “punks like that raider scumbag” push him around. Rayner was right about one thing, well, two things but Angelus was never one to admit even to himself that he had a long history of addiction problems. He couldn't remember the last time he’d shot up any Psycho or taken any Buffout, in fact, he had no real recollection of when exactly he had stopped aching for the next high. He thought back to last week and the week before that and the week before that and the only substance he had continued to use was alcohol and had taken up more smoking than he had before. He honestly had no idea when he’d stopped having the need to get high off chems though he certainly knew why he stopped.

 “Enough!” Jelani exclaimed as he turned to Rayner and then to Angelus. “So one shot of this only if the pain gets really bad.”

 “Yes.” Rayner nodded as he grabbed Angelus’ right hand, cleaned the top of it and began to insert a small thin needle into one of the veins. He’d asked Jelani to take the bag of RadAway and place it on the wall behind Angelus to keep the liquid flowing down. Without a proper stand Jelani had no choice but to tape the bag to the wall. He'd been careful not to press on it tightly so he used plenty of tape to avoid it falling off the wall since it would have to be there all night long.

 “That okay?” Jelani asked as he stood back to see the tape covered IV bag. Honestly speaking it looked crude and he was sure it would fall but he’d make sure it didn't.

 “Yeah, it's fine.” Rayner then turned to Angelus, “Please, please, please, do not remove the needle until every drop of that is gone. In fact, I’m gonna stay over at Coastal Cottage for the night to keep an eye on some of the wounded but I’ll drop by tomorrow to check up on you.”

 “It's ok, Ray.” Angelus waved him off with a small smile. He honestly didn't think of the situation was that severe.

 “Sure, Ray,” Jelani interjected, “We’ll sit tight here until he’s better.”

 “Ok, well, best head back before it gets dark. Remember, don't remove that needle at all. If the area starts to kinda itch its fine just lightly scratch it. No food yet only purified water and plenty of it if you have it. I got three bottles on me.”

 Angelus raised his left hand and shook his head, “Keep it. We got plenty stashed here.”

 “All right. So just be sure to not move around too much, keep an eye on that fever. It should go down after the fourth hour on the IV. If it doesn't don't panic, it just means we need to administer another dose. Uh, Jelani, take this,” Rayner handed Jelani a small bottle of pills labeled Rad-X, “One every hour. Just in case.”

 “Thanks, Ray. Need me to go back with you?” Jelani asked as he looked up and then back at the bottle of pills.

 “No, no, don't worry, someone from Coastal Cottage escorted me. Just keep an eye on him.”

 “How much do we owe you?”

 “Jesus, Jelani, what kinda doctor would I be if I charge people for medical help?”

 “A normal one?” Angelus chuckled as he leaned his head on the wall.

 “Ha, ha, look, I don't charge any that need my help whether it's a settler, mercenary or even a raider. We make our caps by other means just so I can do this. You guys know that.”

 “Well, thanks a lot, Ray. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

 “See ya, guys. Bye, Maya, bye, Dagny.”

 Jelani escorted Rayner out of the barn mostly to take a look at the escort he'd brought with him. She seemed hardy and able so Jelani didn't feel too bad about not escorting him back himself but Rayner was right, he needed to stay behind to keep an eye on Angelus in case he got worse. Before walking back in he took a single pill from the bottle of Rad-X that Rayner had given him. He thought it might’ve not been necessary but it was better to be safe. He’d be no use to Angelus if he got sick too.

 As he locked up the front door he remembered the question he asked Angelus but had been interrupted by Rayner. He still wanted to know what his answer was but he didn't want to seem desperate to know although he was. He recalled what Angelus had started to say and it seemed to make his suspicions all the stronger and if he was to be honest he did like how he was starting that answer. Maybe if he asked again the tension would cease, he’d been feeling the tension for some time now, suddenly interacting with him felt heavy on him. He was careful about what he said, he seemed to not be angered by Angelus at all, grand feat as most everyone seemed to anger Jelani easily and then there was that panic he felt when he saw Angelus wasn't breathing. When he'd dragged Angelus back to shore and he saw he wasn't breathing the same panic he felt when he’d seen his brother fall to his death hit him hard.

 Jelani often made it clear to everyone that he didn't care about anyone at all except for his brother Loke and the day he died he thought he’d never care about anyone again. But there he was hovering over his friend as he tried to resuscitate him while fighting off that familiar panic. Maybe Angelus was the exception to the rule? Whatever it was, it didn't explain the overwhelming relief he felt when he'd gotten Angelus to cough up the water in his lungs. Not to mention the attention he was giving him though he could argue that the attention was justified since he had almost drowned and was now sick from radiation exposure. But then again if Jelani didn't care at all about anyone he wouldn't have cared about why Angelus jumped into the water to help him.

 “How do you feel?” Jelani broke the silence as he walked up to Angelus.

 “Kinda groggy but okay I guess.”

 “You should get some sleep.”

 “Can't sleep, getting kinda hungry. You should get some rest though.”

 Jelani opened his mouth to say something but his words failed him. Why did he have to know Angelus’ answer? Why was it so important to him? Why was he hoping for a specific answer? One that he was so afraid to admit to. He could play it off as curiosity getting the better of him if the answer wasn't the one he was hoping for but it didn't sit well with him.

 “What?” Angelus asked while looking at Jelani.

 “What what?” Jelani stuttered as he shook his head.

 “You're standing there gawking at me. Fuck’s wrong with you?”

 “Nothing. Good night.” Jelani answered as he turned and quickly walked towards his bed but half way there he scuffed and turned around, “No, you know what? I gotta know. Why’d you do it?”

 “What does it matter?”

 “Goddamn it, answer the fucking question.”

 Angelus was surprised to say the least. He didn't think Jelani would bring up the subject again much less be so adamant about knowing why he did it. He honestly wanted to tell Jelani the truth but he was also terrified that he’d be overstepping his boundaries. If he didn't tell him the truth he knew he'd be frustrated and would eventually regret it but at least he’d still be able to have Jelani as a friend. If he told him the truth at least the tension would cease but there was also the chance that he'd push Jelani away or maybe nothing would happen.

 “You're my friend,” Angelus started as he lowered his gaze, disappointed in himself for not having the courage to tell Jelani the whole truth, “Actually, you're the only friend I have and I didn't want to lose you...”

 “Oh…” Jelani whispered. That was the answer he was afraid of, the answer he was hoping not to hear and yet there it was. It left a bad taste in his mouth but there was nothing he could do about it without making things complicated. He lowered his gaze and turned to go back to his own bed now that he had his answer, though he regretted ever bringing up the question in the first place.

 “And...because I’m in love with you.”

 Jelani stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes widened and second guessed what he heard. Had he really heard Angelus say that or was it wishful thinking that had gotten out of control? He slowly turned around while he tried to catch his breath, his mouth turned into a smile that stopped halfway as he tried to say something but he couldn't decide if he should laugh or say something to him. He walked back to Angelus who had remained perfectly still with his head down causing his hair to cover up most of his face. Jelani stood beside Angelus and tried as hard as he could to control his smile but the more he tried the wider his smile got so he gave up on trying to control it.

 “What did you say?”

 “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have said that.” Angelus swallowed hard as he tried to control his breathing and kept his head down as to avoid looking at Jelani who he guessed must have looked furious.

 “You’re what?” Jelani asked. He still had a wide smile on his face. He’d crouched down beside the bed and raised his right hand to tuck Angelus’ hair behind his ear to get a better look at his face. He grabbed his chin and lifted his face so Jelani could see him better.

 “I…” Angelus began but he trailed off as he shifted his eyes to the side to avoid looking at Jelani directly. Jelani seemed calm and bore a curious expression instead of anger like he had expected. This did catch him off guard but he was afraid to repeat what he had confessed to.

 “Seriously...what did you say?” Jelani repeated himself. He’d heard him the first time but he wanted to solidify what he heard. Not out of spite, anger or confusion but to make sure Angelus was sure of what he had said before Jelani could say anything to him.

 “I um...I’m...in love with you.” Angelus slowly turned his eyes away from Jelani’s and tried to turn his face away but Jelani still had a good grip on his chin.

 “No, no, look at me. You are?” Jelani let out a chuckle and smiled once more.

 “Yes.”

 Jelani chuckled again only this time he lowered his head and gently placed his forehead on Angelus’ arm, “God, at least you had the balls to say what I’ve been scared shitless to say for so long now.”

 “Come on, Haakonson, you ain't afraid of any---wait, what?” Angelus looked up at Jelani as soon as what he said registered. He stared at Jelani in disbelief of what he heard him say.

 “I love you too.”

 Before Angelus could speak again and Jelani would lose his nerve he looked up and kissed him. Angelus was caught by surprise at Jelani’s answer and reaction but he was also relieved that admitting he was in love with him hadn't been met with hostility as he thought it would be. Everything was still processing in his head and despite what Jelani had said and the fact that he was still kissing him Angelus pulled away and looked him in the eye.

 “I thought you'd be pissed off.”

 “No way, never. If I’d been a little braver I would've told you myself.”

 Jelani leaned in but as his lips brushed up against Angelus’ he backed up remembering he was still sick from radiation exposure and as much as he wanted to feel his lips on his once more he didn't want Jelani to get sick either. He quietly pointed to the RadAway clumsily taped to the wall. Jelani responded by rattling the bottle of Rad-X which he then placed back on the table next to the bed.

 ---

 “Oh, that's a load of shit.”

 “It’s true! That's all they talk about down at the harbor.”

 “Ain't nobody ever seen nothin’ in the shore except for mirelurks, much less a--a ghoul whale. Do they even know what a whale is? They're pulling your leg, Ray.”

 “Well, I guess so. Maybe they're just confusing it with debris or something else.”

 Rayner had kept his promise to check up on the mercenary and the raider first thing in the morning. He restocked his bag and asked Cyrus to escort him in case there was trouble.

 Cyrus was more than happy to go along with him; sitting still with a rifle behind a turret was not exactly something he looked forward to doing three days in a row. He preferred the open road or at the very least patrolling the area. The walk to the farm wasn't exceptionally long but he was grateful for the chance to stretch his legs. Along the way Cyrus and Rayner talked about the other settlements and newest developments from the Wasteland.

 Rayner had been glad it was Cyrus that volunteered, he had a habit of talking too much but through his ramblings Rayner found out good information like which settlements needed more medical help, which ones needed medical supplies and which ones had vendors wandering through them that sold medicine. With the recent attack medical supplies were low in Coastal Cottage but he had hoped one dose of RadAway would've been enough but he brought another bag just in case. Usually one did the trick but having swallowed a lot of contaminated water could be difficult to deal with. If he did need another dose he’d spend one more night in the small settlement to further check up on his patient and make sure he was back to his old self again though he admitted the Commonwealth felt more peaceful without that warhead running loose in it.

 As they came up on the dairy farm they spotted Maya and Dagny playing in the front but as soon as they spotted Rayner and Cyrus they quickly ran over to greet them.

 “Hi, girls!” Rayner greeted as he reached into his pocket and pulled out two small treats for each which they happily chewed on.

 “Do your thing, Doc. I’ll keep watch out here.”

 What Cyrus really meant was that he’d stay outside to play with the dog and the dog like critter and would prefer not to see any needles going into or out of any surface. That was fine by Rayner, Cyrus could watch out for trouble.

 “Hello?” Rayner called out as he opened the front door and carefully looked around. The first place he walked to was the sleeping bag next to the western wall where he’d seen Angelus the night before but it was empty and the RadAway was not taped to the wall.

 “Guys? Hey, everything alright?” For a minute he thought they’d left but he quickly remembered seeing Maya and Dagny playing outside. He called out again a little louder but was only met with silence. Rayner was beginning to worry and to call more frequently and louder until he finally got a response which happened to be Angelus peaking over the bed that was on the second floor.

 “Ugh, it's morning already? Gross.”

 “Go back to sleep, will ya?” Jelani groaned as he swung his right arm over Angelus and placed his head over Angelus’ who then smiled as he saw Rayner’s face turn bright red.

 “Oh, my god! I’m sorry, guys!” Rayner yelled as he quickly turned his gaze aside and placed his hand over his eyes in case neither of them had gotten dressed yet.

 The yelling prompted Cyrus to burst through the front door with his rifle at the ready and a steady gaze scanning the building. As soon as he saw Rayner he lowered his rifle and defenses, slightly turned his head, and looked up to see what made Rayner’s face turn as red as a ripe tato. He chuckled as he rested the rifle over his shoulder.

 “Guess the wife was right after all. I take it you're feelin’ right as a mole rat in a garden, ain't ya, sweetheart?”

 “Yes, he is.” Jelani laughed.

 “So I um...I can just head outside and--and wait for you guys to get dressed and--”

 “Relax, Proper Penny,” Angelus chuckled as he carefully sat up on the bed, “Even if we wanted to fever didn't go down till a little after midnight.”

 “So how do you feel?” Rayner asked as he walked up the stairs to check up on the raider.

 “Honestly? Starving but okay, I guess. So can I take this thing off?”

 “Let me see.” Rayner took a thermometer from his bag and placed it under Angelus’ tongue to make sure his fever was really gone.

 “Well?” Angelus asked.

 “Be patient. Takes a minute or two and we'd rather be sure. Jelani, you're not showing symptoms are you?”

 “I’m good, popped a few Rad-X last night.”

 They patiently waited for Rayner to check his temperature as Angelus leaned on Jelani. He honestly felt fine and had a lot more energy than he did the day before. He was thankful that he was no longer shivering from the cold and didn't feel like he would vomit every time he moved. After a minute Rayner removed the thermometer, looked at it and smiled.

 “Fever’s gone. Unfortunately for everyone in the Wasteland you've got a clean bill of health, McGrath. You can go back to being your usual terrible self.”

 “Hey, that's great.” Cyrus said as he tossed a small parcel full of caps towards Jelani. “You boys up for a little huntin’?”

 “Who’s the target?” Angelus enthusiastically asked as he turned to Cyrus.

 “We found out where those Gunners that hit us are hiding. My sources say they're in Salem, exactly where, I have no idea but they were spotted setting up a little nest there. Take ‘em all out and I’ll send one of my guys with some extra caps. What do you say?”

 “Babe?” Angelus turned to look at Jelani to see what he’d say. Angelus was obviously ready and willing to go. He needed the stimulation after two days of dragging his feet and sitting down while barely moving.

 Jelani on the other hand was concerned that Angelus would be pushing himself too hard. He could've easily died from the radiation sickness but as he looked at him he seemed fine and lively. They'd obviously get some food in them before moving out, clean themselves up and feed the dogs. He loved how excited Angelus seemed so he smiled at him, put the caps down on the bed and while still looking at Angelus he said, “They're as good as dead.”