#i took some vicodin and i think that lead me to ramble a bit lol

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Hi - sorry to bother you, particularly after that anon insulted your identity, but I wanted to ask: what does it mean to be a nonbinary girl? As a cis girl, I try to read a lot on the subject to educate myself, but I just got slightly confused. Are you a demigirl? Or do you feel like something else instead? Thanks, and I hope this doesn't use up too many spoons - I'm just genuinely curious.

(Same anon who asked about your gender) I also realised that that ask might have been slightly personal. Please let me know if I'm overstepping any boundaries! Thank you.

It’s alright, hon, I don’t mind polite questions. 

‘Nonbinary’ is a bit unique in that it’s sort of a catch-all term that can mean something a little different for everyone who identifies that way. I use it mostly because I’ve never seen a label that truly describes my gender; I’ve thought about identifying as genderqueer, but I haven’t felt compelled to make the switch. 

What I feel like is kind of complicated, but I talked about it recently in another ask if you want to read that. I feel that part of me is masculine (perhaps due to the fact that I’m hormonally intersex with high testosterone), that deep down the core of who I am is agender, but I also feel as though I “wear” female like a suit, that it’s something I walk around it without it actually being my identity.

It’s sort of like... my soul is genderless, my brain is partly male because of testosterone, but I’ve lived as a girl my whole life and that’s made an impression on me? I don’t feel as if I’m trans, because I feel no desire to transition and I feel like my body largely matches my gender already since I’m intersex, and because I view my body in a detached sort of way, as just a vessel. I feel as if I could have been born male and that would have been fine, I’d just be an agender soul walking around in a male suit.

I know calling myself a nonbinary girl is a bit confusing, but it’s really just a matter of practicality for me rather than an attachment to femininity, or feeling as if I AM a girl. I don’t like they/them pronouns for myself, I don’t like neo-pronouns like xe or ze for myself, and being called he/him would be weird; I’m simply used to being called she/her and living as a girl, and I don’t feel compelled to put the energy into changing that. 

I like to present in a pretty androgynous/neutral way, and if it was free and easy I’d probably have a double mastectomy cause boobs are such a pain in the ass, and I’d love to have my uterus ripped out cause I don’t want to have kids, but you know, if people look at me and see a woman, they’re wrong, but I don’t really care what they think that much. I’m really just a person, but since I’ve been cast in the role of female, so to speak, I’m fine with playing that role. It’s just that the role of female isn’t who I truly am inside.

I hope that explains it a bit, but I’ll add that of course this is only MY definition of my gender, and I don’t speak for anyone else who identifies as nonbinary. Thanks for wanting to learn. :)