#i told him about this and he said “IM NOT GOING BACKKKKK” | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

picturetoburnnn · 3 years ago

Text

Play Pretend | b.b. x reader

pairing - Bucky Barnes x Reader, past Steve Rogers x Reader

word count - 10.6k !!!!!!!!!!!!

warnings - angst, sadness, depictions of depression, anxiety, slight PTSD (?), character death (not Bucky or reader), happyish ending. SMUT. 18+ ONLY

a/n - im backkkkk and with another smutty fic? two in a row? yall are killing me. major thanks to @calpalirwin, without whom this idea would never have been realized to its fullest potential. I hope you guys love this as much as I do.

TAGS - @cxddlyash @thewxntersoldier @bibliophilewednesday @givebuckyhisplumsnow @bucksbeauty DM me or send me an ask to be added!

Sunlight streamed in through the open windows, letting in the cool September breeze. White rumpled sheets gathered around her waist as Y/N’s eyes fluttered open. Her head lay on the chest of a certain super-soldier.

“You awake, sunshine?” God, his morning voice made her fall impossibly more in love.

“No,” she whined, turning her head to burrow into his chest. “Five more minutes.”

“I can’t hear you in there, babe,” he laughed. “You’re all muffled.”

Y/N lifted her head, looking him dead in the eye. “You are so insanely lucky I love you. I wouldn’t wake up before ten for anyone else.”

Steve smirked as he leaned forward to plant a kiss on her hairline. “I know, honey, I know. But I’ve gotta go to training, I’m already five minutes late.” He did what could only be referred to as a puppy-dog face, eyes wide and round, lip jutted out in a pout.

“Fine,” Y/N huffed with a smile as she rolled the other way, sitting up. “Captain America doesn’t get any days off.”

He was already out of bed before she could turn back around, his feet entering her line of sight.

“Hey.” He reached a finger under her chin with a smile, making her look up at him. “I’ll be back before too long, I gotta take my best girl out tonight.”

Rolling her eyes, Y/N smirked as she tossed her covers aside, standing. “I had better be your only girl, Rogers.”

“My one and only.” He planted a kiss on her lips before escaping to the en suite to prepare for the day.

She told everyone she was fine, but the smiles never really reached her eyes.

She told them that it was okay, she’d accepted it, she didn’t blame him, she’d be fine with a little time.

“Baby,” Steve chuckled, “do we have to?”

“I want to go through this haunted house,” Y/N insisted. “And you, Mr. America, aren’t supposed to be afraid of anything. So yes, we have to.” She reached up on her tiptoes to leave a quick kiss on his nose.

“You’re lucky I love you,” he huffed as he wrapped one arm around her waist, leading them into the haunted mansion.

There had to be some better use of her time than recollecting all the time that he’d had her fooled.

He didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean it, her mind screamed at her. He didn’t mean any of the lovely things he said or did, he was thinking of her the whole time.

“Bucky!” Steve called from across the room.

The brunette in the corner flinched as he turned, as if he expected a fist to the face. Instead, his eyes found the woman clutched tightly to his best friend’s side.

“Buck, I want you to meet Y/N, she’s my best girl.”

“I’m your only girl,” Y/N chided him before sticking her hand out. “It’s nice to meet you, James, Steve’s told me so much about you.”

The brunette said nothing, staring down at the extended hand as if it had scalded him. Reading his body language, Y/N’s face dropped as she brought back the offending limb. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think. Steve warned me and I--”

“It’s okay,” Bucky quietly whispered, eyes tracing back up to hers. God, his eyes were just like Steve’s; a beautiful blue ocean.

“Y/N,” Steve looked down, calling her attention back. “I think Wanda was saying she wanted to see you a while ago. Why don’t you go see what she needs while Buck and I chat?”

“Steve,” she whispered one night. The couple had gone to bed hours ago, yet neither one could find a wink of sleep. Her head laid on his bare chest, fingers tracing the old, faded scars. The steady rise and fall of his body under hers told her he hadn’t quite fallen asleep yet.

“Yes, sunshine?”

“I…” God, how could she ask him this? It was so foreign, this strange dread looming over her.

“When you return the stones tomorrow,” she started, “you’ll come back to me, right? It’s your chance to go back and I… as selfish as it is, I want you to stay here, in this time, with me.”

“Doll,” he chided, hand running up her back. “I could never leave you behind.”

“I just--” she twisted her body to look him in the eyes, eyes slowly watering as she whispered “--I know how hard it was for you at first. Being here. I’m scared you’ll go back and see her and realize she’s who you’ve always wanted. I’m scared you’ll leave me for someone I can’t even meet to be mad at.”

“Y/N,” he breathed. “How many times I gotta say? You’re my best girl. I couldn’t leave you if I tried.”

Slowly nodding, Y/N slinked back down. He reassured her. He dispelled her fears. Why did this weight on her chest somehow feel even heavier?

“I don’t know how you think I could do that to you, honey,” Steve mumbled from behind her. “You must just be paranoid.”

God, what a lie. Because the next day, as she, Sam, and Bucky all stood shoulder to shoulder waiting for him to come back, he never did. He sat on that damned bench by the lake, after living out his life with Peggy. The girl of his dreams. Was it still technically cheating if he was with her before Y/N was even born? It broke her heart like it was. She watched as the shield was passed to Sam. She watched as he spoke with Bucky. She waited for him to call her over, to at least explain.

He didn’t. Bucky came back, stood by her side, just staring at the back of the old man that Steve had become. Her lover, her best friend, her confidante, her everything. She was nothing to him after he had the chance to have her.

Drinks didn’t numb the pain anymore. Alcohol only made it worse. Having friends over was like reliving the moment over and over and over; all those pitying stares. Why did they have to look at her like that? It’s not like her whole world had fallen apart or anything. It’s not like the one person she depended on for everything, the one person she leaned on for support, had ripped himself out from under her. It wasn’t like that at all.

Why couldn’t he at least say something? Why couldn’t he have explained? He knew he was going to do it. She had relived the moment a thousand times, and the look on his face when he stepped onto the platform was that of a man who wasn’t planning on making a two-way trip.

Smiles and beautiful lies played through her mind like a film reel, a never-ending montage she couldn’t escape. He was perfect. The love was perfect. Why couldn’t it have stayed perfect? Was it because she wasn’t? Could that have kept the love alive?

Y/N didn’t even register the knock on the door, or Sam and Bucky entering the used-to-be shared home. “Y/N?” The duo called out.

“Over here,” came the broken whisper.

Sidestepping broken picture frames and cracked vases, Sam crouched beside the woman curled on the floor behind the couch.

“I’m fine,” she sighed with a crazed smile and tears in her eyes. “I don’t know why you guys insist on checking in on me. It’s hardly even affecting me.” A choked sob nearly cut her off. “So you’re fine to go whenever you want.”

Bucky stayed in the doorway, watching on in an awful mix of sympathy and understanding for the woman as she cried on the floor in one of Steve’s old sweaters. It reminded him of how he felt those first few days.

But it had been three weeks now.

“We’re not going to leave,” Sam soothed as he eased down next to Y/N. “We won’t leave you here.”

“You know,” Y/N sniffled with a heartbroken grin, “that’s exactly what he told me.”

“Okay,” Bucky sighed, crossing the room to where she sat next to Sam behind the couch. “You can’t be doing this.” She didn’t put up a fight as he scooped her into his arms, going as far as to wrap her arms around his neck as he lifted her off the ground.

“You have to rest in an actual bed,” he huffed, trying not to let his mask of indifference fall.

“No!” Her head snapped up and all but hit him on the chin as the frantic chill swept through her. “I can’t sleep in that bed, I can’t. Don’t make me, don’t put me there.”

Bucky glanced over at Sam in a panic, not knowing what to do.

“It’s okay, Y/N, you can stay at my place,” Sam interjected with a pointed look of concern to Bucky. “Bucky and I will take you over there, you can sleep on the spare bed, Buck can take the couch.”

“Are you all settled in?” Sam asked for what must have been the thousandth time. “Need more pillows, blankets?”

A silent shake of the head was all he got in return.

“Well, I’m just down the hall if you need me. And Buck’s right around the corner in the living room. If you need anything, and I mean anything, you can get either of us.”

Y/N nodded, a quiet ‘thank you,’ escaping her lips.

Bucky listened in on the interaction from the living room couch, replaying the last argument he had with Steve before… well, before he went back.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Steve.”

“I don’t belong here, Buck. I have to go back.”

“And what about Y/N?” Bucky pointed his arm towards the front room, where she had been chatting with Wanda and Carol. “You can’t tell me she’s okay with this.”

The silence filled the pit of his stomach with dread.

“Steve… don’t tell me you won’t tell her.”

The blond started “It’ll be easier on her if I just--”

“God, Steve! That girl loves you! You placed the stars in the sky to her. You can’t just leave her here with no explanation.”

Steve calmly exhaled. “I don’t… belong with her. I have to go back. I owe my best girl a dance.”

“There was a time you called Y/N your best girl.” Bucky accused, a disgusted look on his face.

“Buck, don’t start.”

“She is head over heels in love with you--”

“And you’re head over heels for her! Did you think I didn’t know? That I wouldn’t see how you look at her? I’m trusting you to take care of her, to look after her. It’s better this way, can’t you see?” Steve begged Bucky to understand.

“She won’t see it that way,” Bucky said with a deathly calm.

“Give her time,” Steve urged. “It’ll hurt, but if you’re there for her, she’ll see it.”

The silence between the two was stifling until the brunette broke the raging calm with a quiet voice. “When did you stop loving her?”

Steve sighed. “It’s not that simple, Buck, I wish it were.”

“When did you know you would leave her?”

“Bucky, I--”

“ANSWER ME!” He yelled.

“Is everything okay in here?” Y/N’s voice broke through the rage Bucky was seeing. He whipped around, face to face with the woman in question. His eyes met hers for just a moment. God, how could he tell her this?

“We’re fine, sunshine,” Steve eased. Bucky spun back to face him.

“Just a conversation, right Buck?”

Bucky glared at his best friend. He dropped his voice so low, only Steve could hear him. “This is how you lose her, and me.” Giving a huff of a sigh, Bucky turned and disappeared through the doorway and into the crowd of people inside the house. Tony knew how to throw a party, even for his own funeral.

God, why did Steve have to always take all the stupid with him? Why did he have to go, when she was at her breaking point? Why did he have to lie, to keep it all a secret?

Bucky lost track of the hours he spent on Sam’s couch in the dark, staring at the ceiling. A rustling sound from the guest bedroom snapped him to attention. His ears strained as he took in the sounds of heightened breathing, a panicked movement here and there. Bucky didn’t even remember standing from the couch. One moment he was listening for it, the next he was standing in the doorway of the spare guest bedroom as if he were lured by a siren’s call.

Y/N lay twisting in the sheets, quiet whimpers and silent sobs contorting her face.

“Fuck,” Bucky whispered to himself. Did he try to wake her up? What if that set her off more? That tended to happen to him when he had horrible nightmares. But he couldn’t very well leave her like this, a victim to her own mind’s torment.

One more quiet whimper rang through the room and his choice was made for him. Gently opening the door just enough to squeeze himself through, he slid into the room, kneeling on the bed.

“Y/N,” he mumbled, reaching out to her but not quite touching her.

She tossed her head to the side, a frown etching its way onto her sleeping features, worry lining her brow.

“Y/N, doll, you gotta wake up for me.” He placed his right hand gently on her shoulder before she snapped upright. Eyes still closed, she leaned into Bucky. He let her push against him, adjusting himself so his right arm circled her back as his left wrapped around her front, creating a loop around her.

“I’m here,” he soothed.

“Steve,” she breathed. “Oh Steve, thank god, I had the worst nightmares. You were gone and I, I, I didn’t know what to do and I…”

It was the first time he’d heard her say his name since the day it happened. Bucky swore he could feel his heart shatter the moment she realized it. The arm around her was too cold, too solid, to be Steve’s. This body she leaned against, it wasn’t the one that she’d spent countless nights memorizing and tracing.

“You’re not him.” The quiet whimper brought tears to Bucky’s eyes as she burrowed her head into his chest, hiding her crying face.

“I’m not, I’m sorry.” His right hand came up to stroke her hair. “I’m sorry I’m not him, that I can’t be him for you. I know this isn’t enough for you, and I’m sorry.”

He thought he must have imagined the way the cries got just a little harder at that. “You can pretend, if you want to. If you’re okay with that. I know I can’t ever be him, but I’ll let you pretend for as long as you need to.”

They spent another thirty minutes like that, Bucky’s arms wrapped around Y/N’s crumpled form, his legs folded awkwardly beneath him -- and yet, he didn’t dare move. He didn’t dare do anything that would break Y/N out of this illusion of peace she’d created around herself.

“I’m sorry,” she finally whispered. “You must think I’m pathetic.”

Bucky couldn’t tell her how his chest ached for her when she pulled away, wiping at her tears with the sleeve of an old sweatshirt -- neither of them addressed the fact it was one of Steve’s.

“You’re not pathetic, Y/N.”

“I just cried on you like a baby for thirty minutes. I'm okay, I'm fine, you don't have to stay here."

“You might be okay but you're really not fine at all. Something traumatic happened to you.”

“I got dumped.”

“Don’t do that,” Bucky chided. When she rained a sleepy eyebrow in confusion, he clarified. “Don’t lessen your pain to other’s standards. React how you need to. And if that means crying to me in the early hours of the morning, I’d be honored to be by your side.”

Y/N would be lying if she said her cheeks didn’t flush.

Another awkward silence befell the room.

“If you’re… alright… I can go if you want.”

The moment Bucky stood to leave, Y/N’s hand shot out to his wrist. “No!”

He looked down to see his vibranium hand encaptured in hers. She looked so small by comparison, so fragile. So out of place for a hand that was made to be a weapon, but somehow it felt right.

“No,” she repeated, quieter this time. “Did… Did you mean it? When you said I could pretend?”

“Anytime, doll,” he breathed immediately.

“Do you think you could… well, I just--- I--”

Bucky waited patiently, eyes never leaving her face.

“I’m just going to say it. I can’t sleep. Ever. I got so used to him next to me. Is there a chance you could… stay?”

Bucky lifted his brows in shock. The girl of his dreams, the woman he’d been in love with since he met her, was asking him to stay with her?

“Whatever you need, doll.”

Y/N scooted over on the bed, making room. Bucky, somewhat awkwardly, made his way in behind her, laying stiff as a board. It was like that for a moment, until “Bucky?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you--” he heard the tears in her voice “--can you hold me?”

He didn’t respond verbally, but rather by wrapping a single arm around her waist and pulling her body to his. His chest pressed right up against her back, and if she had been thinking, she would have noticed that she could feel his abs through the thin henley he wore. He adjusted his flesh arm to lay under her head as a pillow until all of her was touching him somehow. Her feet tangled with his under the covers.

“Is this okay?” He whispered in her ear.

God this was intimate, but it was what she needed. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend it was still Steve behind her, not his best friend. “Yeah,” she breathed, “this is perfect.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

To this day, Bucky doesn’t know what came over him, what possessed him to lean forward and press a kiss to the crown of Y/N’s head.

But it was the best sleep either of them had had in weeks. So when Sam came knocked gently on the door in the morning, neither of them woke up.

“Y/N?” The man quietly called. “Are you awake?”

He slowly twisted the handle, being met with the sight of a hundred-year-old assassin spooning Y/N.

Barnes whipped his head around immediately at the sound of the door creaking. “Sam!” he whisper-shouted. “You’ll wake her up!”

Sam raised his hands in surrender, his eyebrows lifting with them.

“Close the door!” Bucky quietly scolded, lifting one arm from where it lay gently draped across Y/N’s waist.

“I don’t think this,” Sam pushed the door open slightly more, a quiet squeal coming from the hinges, “is going to wake her. She’s got her own personal space heater there in the bed with her.”

Bucky glowered at him before the bickering resumed. “If you wake her up, I swear to god--”

“I’ve been up, you idiots.” Y/N’s voice makes the pair go silent, both sets of eyes immediately turning to her. “And Bucky can’t be a space heater. The arm is metal, it’s almost always cold, Sam.”

A quiet mumble of ‘sorry’ fell on her ears before the arm beneath her head started to slide out from its pillow position. Y/N awkwardly sat up, freeing the artificial appendage.

Sam cleared his throat. “I’m making breakfast if you guys… want… any of that.”

“Yeah, I’ll,” Y/N coughed, “be out in a minute.”

With a short okay, Sam was out of the room again, leaving Bucky and Y/N alone as an awkward silence fell over the room.

“I hope you--”

“Thanks for--”

“You can go.”

“No, Buck, I insist, you go first.” Y/N smiled softly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“I-- okay. I hope you slept well. Sorry if the arm was cold for you.” It didn’t escape Y/N’s notice that he was holding his left arm as far behind him as possible, as if trying to keep it away from her.

“Oh! Well, I was just going to say, um, thank you. For, you know…” She gestured vaguely to the bed. “Everything that… yeah.”

“Anytime, Y/N.” He said it with such a sad smile that Y/N wasn’t entirely sure if he had something else to say.

When she was met with more silence, the woman swung her legs over the side of the bed. “I should probably--”

“Oh!” Y/N wasn’t sure she’d ever seen the soldier move so quickly to get out of bed. “Yeah, of course, sorry.” Without another word, he was out the door.

Weeks later, she swore she was getting better. Really, she was. She definitely wasn’t having a breakdown in the living room of her half-packed away house. No, not at all. And she totally hadn’t just found an old box of Steve’s belongings that Bucky had helped her put away. God, she should have just listened and thrown the box out immediately, but some part of her, some sick, twisted tendril of longing, demanded she kept the old sweaters and ball caps and photos.

Moving was always stressful, but she needed the change. Bucky had encouraged her to sign a lease at the building on the other end of the block from his. A fresh start, he claimed. Close enough to check on her, he had said, just a little too slowly to be entirely teasing. And damn it, she had insisted that she didn’t need help today, that she could go through her belongings by herself and decide what to donate and what to keep. That box in the back of the closet called her name though, a dangerous siren call for a trip down memory lane.

The hardwood floor was cold against her thighs, but it didn’t even register as she sat swamped in one of Steve’s old hoodies.

“I promise you, sugar,” he’d laughed. “When the Avengers are done with me, we can move out to the middle of nowhere. Grow old, pop out a few little ones? A pretty rock on this finger.” He’d kissed her knuckles at that.

What happened to that? When did she become something he was okay with missing? She went from having his life entwined with hers to having to watch his life in pictures, tracing the outline of his smile like she used to trace his face when it was the middle of the night and he’d fallen asleep against her stomach again. She used to feel his chest against her in the night, finding peace in the steady rhythm. Now she fell asleep alone most nights, feeling the absence of him. He was probably forgetting all about her every day, wasn’t he? And here she was, stuck in the memory of how his breath used to tickle her ear in the mornings.

She didn’t even realize she got out her phone. Her fingers worked of their own accord as they typed out a simple message to the number one contact in her texts.

11:13 PM

TEXT FROM Y/N: SOS

Bucky’s heart never beat faster than it did when he got that message. He didn’t even remember the drive to her house. Or did he walk? He couldn’t even say.

His fist banged heavily on the door. “Y/N!? Y/N I’m coming in!”

He barreled through the doorframe -- all six feet rushing through the front door, because what if she were hurt? What if she were in danger? What if--

All thoughts left his mind the moment she was in view. No visible wounds, but she sat on the floor, wearing his best friend’s old sweater, with unfocused eyes staring straight through him.

“Doll?” He cautioned, stepping forward slowly, hands held up. “I’m gonna come closer to you, okay?” No response. She showed no signs of even recognizing he was there until the moment he sat down in front of her, still so cautious.

“Y/N?” He started.

Her eyes found his, and his hopes started rising as he saw that glimmer of recognition. “Bucky?”

“That’s it, it’s me. Hi.” He smiled sadly at her.

Then her quiet mumble broke his heart all over again. “I don’t know how to be something he misses.”

“Doll,” he breathed as he gathered the broken girl into his arms. Her face found its home in the crook of his neck, inhaling his cologne. Did he always wear that? It smelled just like Steve’s.

“I’ve got,” she sniffled. “Too much time alone to be this hurt. Every time I think I‘m okay to be by myself, something happens and I spiral and I don’t want to be a pest to you but… do you think… do you think we can pretend again?”

“Yeah, yeah baby, we can do that.” Bucky repositioned himself so his back was to the wall, Y/N cradled in his arms, face still pressed against his neck. Was it wrong to hope she couldn’t hear his heartbeat right now? Because it was absolutely racing.

Hours could have passed by in that position, and he never would have known. She was pretending he was Steve, but maybe… maybe he could pretend for just a second too. Bucky allowed himself just a minute of time to imagine that Y/N was his girl. That she wasn’t curled against him in sadness seeking comfort, but in delight. That maybe she loved his cologne because it smelled like Bucky, not him. He could pretend that he didn’t cut the sleeves off of Steve’s old sweater that he left at Bucky’s apartment. He could pretend that he hadn’t sewn them onto his own, so she wouldn’t be hit by the cold of his arm again, while still having that familiar comfort.

“Is it evil of me,” Y/N began, voice clearer than it had been in hours as she adjusted slightly, resting her head against his chest, “to hope that he regrets it? I want him to be happy, but I also… I want something to remind him, make him wish he had stayed. I could have planned for so many things, so many bumps in the road of my future but I never could have planned on this. Never could have planned on him changing his mind. God, I just-- I wish he had stayed.”

“You could never be evil,” Bucky breathed into her hair. “I wished the same, at first. I tried, I really did, I tried to get him to stay for you but he didn’t listen to--” The soldier froze. Had he really just said that? He didn’t, there was no way.

Y/N was still as ice beneath him. “You knew?” She slowly began pulling away from him as every inch of his body craved her touch return. “You knew he was going to leave? To go back to her?”

“I didn’t know until the day before he did it.”

“And you didn’t tell me?” God, she hadn’t sounded this heartbroken since the day Steve left.

“Doll, I didn’t--”

“Don’t,” she snapped harshly as she pushed herself up off the floor. He knew? This whole time? He knew it was going to happen?

“Y/N please listen to me.” Bucky’s voice wavered slightly as he scrambled up off the floor. “I didn’t know how, there was never a right time.”

“I think you should go, actually.” She had never been this cold to him. Not when they first met, not ever.

“Y/N, please, I--”

“Goodnight, James.”

A defeated and dejected Bucky Barnes made his way towards the door. Just before he closed it behind him, he looked wistfully over his shoulder. “If you need me… I’m still here. For anything you need.”

An annoyed sigh left her lips, and he took that as his cue to leave.

Days. It was only days after the fight, and she needed him. She needed Bucky like nothing else could calm her. That’s how she found herself in front of his door, just days after she told him to stay the hell away from her. She brought her fist up to knock on the door, but hesitated. Had she ruined it completely? Had she now found a way to fuck up both relationships that had ever really meant something to her? She hadn’t been enough for Steve, and she had pushed Bucky away when she really just needed him more.

It had been Sam’s idea to come here. Immediately after he had left her house that day, after she all but shoved him out the door, she immediately called Sam to tell him what had happened. Sam cussed out Bucky for a minute or two, before sighing and advising You should talk to him, Y/N. Give him the chance to explain. It wasn’t right to keep it from you but he wasn’t entirely in the wrong either. Just… hear him out.

Her knuckles didn’t even tap the door before it swung open before her.

“Dol-- Y/N!” Bucky exclaimed, eyes wide in surprise.

Y/N took a moment to take in his appearance. He wore a navy blue button-down (she’d always liked him in navy blue, she’d told him once at a party while drunk. Brought out his eyes, she’d said.) with a bouquet of flowers in one hand.

“I-- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-- I wanted to apologize.” Y/N stumbled out.

“A-apologize?” Confusion was written all across the man’s face. “For what?”

“For,” she sighed, “how I reacted the other day. It wasn’t fair. It’s not your fault he told you. But it’s okay. I can come back later, I wouldn’t wanna keep your--” she gestured up and down towards him “--date waiting.”

“Date?” The brunette looked down at himself, analyzing his own appearance. “Oh! No, I’m not-- I’m not going on a date. These were, well, these were for you, actually.” He looked up with a half-smile. “I wanted to apologize for the other day. I shouldn’t have said what I did. And I should have told you before.”

“F-for me?” Y/N breathed.

“Well, yeah,” he spluttered. “Do you wanna come in? So we aren’t doing this in the hallway?”

A mumbled acceptance and Bucky stood back, holding himself in as Y/N squeezed past him. “Sorry, it’s a mess right now, I didn’t know you were coming,” he awkwardly excused as he sat the flowers on the table by the door. When did she tell him her favorite flowers?

“It’s fine,” Y/N insisted, standing awkwardly in the center of the room with hands shoved deep into her pockets.

“Listen,” Bucky sighed as he shut the door. “I’m sorry for not telling you. And for telling you. I can’t decide which is worse. But I want you to know I never wanted to see you hurting. Seeing you in pain because of me was the worst experience of my life, and I would easily go through another seventy years of my past if it meant I never have to see you look at me like that again.”

“Bucky, I…” Her breath caught in her chest. How could she say this? “I understand. It’s okay. I would have done the same. Please don’t… don’t say that. Don’t even think about going back to that time, least of all for me. I’m not worth years of your life being taken away like that.”

“You are to me.”

God, his eyes were so beautiful in this light. The open window’s light brought out shades of blue she didn’t even know existed. Was she really thinking that? She should be heartbroken over Steve still. He was the love of her life, she should still be devastated. Heartbreak like that doesn’t heal over two months… does it? Then why did she feel so at home in his cluttered apartment? Why did his arms slowly start feeling like the right home? Why did every part of her crave his touch like nothing else, even when she stopped pretending it was Steve holding her? When had she stopped picturing blonde hair and a clean-shaven grin, replacing it with beautiful brown locks, a softer smile?

“Buck you don’t-- you don’t have to pretend to be Steve. You don’t have to say those things anymore. I can’t… I can’t do it. I have struggled to find some part of me that I think he didn’t take up. There’s nothing I didn’t give to him but it wasn’t enough. I can’t give him you, too. I need you for me. I need you as Bucky.”’

Did Y/N know how his heart pounded when she said those words? Did she know how long he had been craving something like that to fall from her lips? He hung on to her every word like a man damned. Of course, he never wanted her to have to go through the pain of losing her partner before he could have a chance with her. He meant what he said: he’d go through every second of torture again just for her to be okay again. But if she was okay with him? If she was okay with Bucky as himself?

“Doll,” the soldier began.

Y/N groaned. “Please, every time you call me that, my heart beats six times faster.”

He swore his heart stopped as he tried to stop himself from swaying back in forth like a fool.

“You like when I call you ‘doll’?” That signature teasing smirk graced his expressions one more time.

“Shut up, old man,” she laughed as she beckoned him into a hug. “I’m emotional right now and need my friend.”

Just like that, his inflated heart was stuck through with a sword. He did everything he could to not let it show on his face until she was tucked away in his arms.

Friend. The word haunted him as he lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling. He’d let his heart run away with his mind. He should have known better. Loving her from afar was what he did best. He’d had years of practice with it when Steve was still here. Why was it causing him so much of an issue now?

Friend. Had she really said that? Y/N’s hands covered her face as the sounds of the city at night droned outside Bucky’s guest room window. It wasn’t what she meant to say. Well, it was, but not like that. Why couldn’t she get this right?

Bucky sat upright when a gentle tapping rang out against his door. He almost thought he imagined it until he heard it again, this time with a gentle call of “Buck?” He whipped the blankets off himself, stepping over to the entryway, meeting Y/N’s eyes as the door opened.

Had he always towered over her like this? she wondered. Her second thought was of how his chest heaved as if he had sprinted to the door. With his sweatpants slung low across his hips and hair pulled back into a low bun… god if the situation were any different, she would swear he looked like sin personified.

“You okay?” He questioned, confusion laced in his tone.

“I don’t want you to be just a friend to me, Buck,” Y/N blurted. “I can’t explain it but for the first time in months I feel happy when I’m with you and it’s really you and we aren’t pretending. I love how you talk, how you walk with your hands in your pockets, and I love how considerate you are and how much you care and I just wanted you to know that if you ever happen to feel--”

His hands cupping her face and lips pressed to hers was the sweetest interruption. This was what home felt like. If Steve was what she had considered right, then this was perfection in every sense of the word. He moved against her as gently as he could, and it wasn’t quite enough. When she parted her lips, he was quick to reciprocate, exploring the new territory carefully, like it was a privilege he wasn’t sure he’d get again. Y/N wasn’t sure why; she was certain that if he asked to kiss her like this again, she would never be able to say yes fast enough. As if all at once, the need to feel him overtook her. Her hands reached for his waist, tugging at his warm body right in front of her. She groaned as he pushed her back against the wall, and almost melted when he rolled his hips into hers.

When they split, his hands dropped to her waist. Y/N dropped her gaze to the ground, chest heaving. All the air had been stolen from her chest, she swore.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky panted. Y/N snapped her gaze up to his.

“What?”

“I just had to do it once, doll,” he begged, eyes searching hers for forgiveness she didn’t know was needed. “I know you’re probably still pretending I’m Steve, but Y/N--”

“I’m not,” Y/N exclaimed, horrified. “I wouldn’t do that to you, not physically.”

“Y/N, this whole thing has been just as physical as it was emotional,” Bucky chided, backing away. “I wore his cologne so you had a comforting smell, I covered the arm so the cold wouldn’t hurt you like it did that first night. I talked like and pretended to be Steve, I held you while pretending to be Steve. It may not have been intimate, but it sure as hell was physical.”

“Buck, I--”

He was getting frustrated now. His hands drew away from Y/N as he pulled away, taking a step back. “So as much as I want to, Y/N, I can’t pretend right now--”

“I really do want you, Bucky, I--”

Something in him snapped. “I have loved you for years now! I have loved you from the sidelines as you loved my best friend and it was okay because he found you first and I could make my peace with it. But please, for the love of whatever god there is, don’t ask me to pretend to be someone else to love you. I want to be me when I kiss you. I want to be me when I hold you. I can’t pretend to love you as someone else.”

“James, would you fucking listen to me?” Y/N was almost yelling as she begged for his attention. “I want you, okay? I don’t want you to pretend to be someone else. I want James Barnes, I want Bucky Barnes, I want whatever version of yourself you’ll give me as long as it’s you.”

Two steps forward and she was almost chest to chest with him again as she brought her hands to his face, cradling his cheeks as he had hers just moments ago. “I’ve wanted every bit of you for a while now, and I don’t know how to make you listen.”

“Just,” the ex-assassin began, “say my name again.”

“Bucky,” she sighed, and his lips met the skin of her neck, trailing upwards towards the shell of her ear.

“Again,” he whispered, breath hot against her skin as his right hand tangled itself in her hair.

“Bucky, don’t tease me.” This one was a breathless whisper that she could have sworn pulled a groan from him.

“Say it one more time, baby,” he breathed, lips a hairsbreadth away from hers. “It sounds so good when you say it.”

“Earn it, Sergeant,” she grinned as he surged forward, lips crashing against hers.

His left hand snuck under the thin material of her shirt, cool metal providing a delicious relief for her flushed skin. Almost without her knowledge, her own hands crept up around the man’s neck, one hand tangling itself in his pulled-back hair. Her fingers toyed for a moment with the elastic before she freed his locks from the band, strands falling into place around his face. Her free hand spanned downward, exploring the muscles of his back as she dug her fingers into his shoulder, pulling him impossibly closer because this could never be enough. He followed like it was the easiest thing he’d ever done, body responding to hers like the most delicious kind of sin.

His hands on her body felt like home. Every touch was impossibly perfect, like she was who he was made for. When his hand traveled up just a little bit, resting in that dip of her waist, her body arched towards him. He pulled away from her addictive kiss just to mouth a trail down to that spot where her neck met her collarbones. His name was the most beautiful symphony pouring from her lips.

“Doll,” he groaned when she tugged just right at his roots.”You can either turn around and go back to bed, or you can let me fuck the shit out of you. I’ll show you how much I love you later, right now I just really need you.”

God, she could have fallen apart just by the way he craved her. “Please,” she begged, bringing his face back to hers and smashing her lips against his.

“Oh baby,” he admonished as he tapped the backs of her thighs, telling her to jump. “You can do better than that.”

Bucky spun the couple around, walking them back into his room. When her back hit the mattress, Bucky couldn’t help but stand back and admire her for a second. Was this actually real? It wasn’t another dream? God, he’d lost count of the number of nights he’d dreamed about something like this happening.

“Buck,” she softly called, bringing his attention back. When had she sat up? Her hand gently caressed the side of his face and he instinctively leaned into it. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

A soft smile came across his face. “So considerate.” he leaned down, supporting himself by his forearms as he crawled towards the woman until his whole body hovered over hers. His bionic hand reached to cup the apex of her thighs. “Even when you’re soaking for me.”

Y/N’s body arched up to his. “Oh my god,” she whimpered as he ground his palm against her mound, friction building up just right. He pushed the thin material of her panties to the side and easily slipped two metal fingers into her wet heat. Her hips bucked up when he started moving them so slowly, in and out.

“I’m not God, doll,” Bucky smirked, “so you should start saying my name, not his. Look at this, you’re just letting me slide right out,” he pulled his wrist back, almost withdrawing entirely, “and right back in.” His fingers thrust quickly back in her, setting a pace of indescribable bliss. He swallowed her cry of desperation as her hands came up to trace the hard lines of muscle across his chest and abdomen.

When her fingers reached the waistband of his sweats, she dared to dip his fingers under the material. Flushed skin reached hers, and the back of her mind screamed at the lack of boxers. “Just take ‘em off, doll,” he whined as he ground his hips down into hers, hand coming back up. Y/N almost whined at the sudden feeling of emptiness, but it was quickly forgotten when she watched as the man put those same fingers into his mouth. His eyes rolled back and she swore she forgot how to breathe when he moaned at the taste.

“James,” she whined as her hands fought to free him of his pants. “Need you, need you so bad.”

Her cries summoned his attention. “I know doll, I know.” He quickly kicked the material away, resting entirely bare above her. “Are you ready? Are you ready for my cock?” He slid downwards until he was face to face with her core. “Because I don’t think you are. I think you need to be stretched--” those damn fingers felt so good in her tight warmth “--just a little more. Tasted so good for me, sweetheart, I want more.” His flattened tongue licked a stripe right up her center, wrapping his lips around her clit as her fingers tugged at the roots of his hair.

Whines and moans filled the air as Bucky studied her reactions. A symphony of please and Bucky fell on his ears and he could swear it was his new favorite thing to ever hear. His own hips rutted against the mattress as she begged him for more, please, please Bucky I need more.

“So greedy,” he commented as he pulled away with a vulgar pop. “‘M already giving you what you want, and you want more?”

“I’m ready,” she cried, “I need you, baby, need your cock.” She could feel that telltale feeling in her gut. She was right, right there. The light scruff of his growing 5 o’clock shadow scratched deliciously at the insides of her thighs as she instinctively closed her thighs around his head. “Buck, I’m so close.”

“I know doll, I know. I think what you need,” he growled, “is to come apart right now, on my fingers and tongue.”

His words sent her over the edge, tumbling from her high as he switched, fingers toying with her bundle of nerves as his tongue delved into her center. He rode out her high, holding her hips down with his free hand as she shook on her way to the calm down.

“Too much,” she whimpered, hands grappling against his scalp. “Buck, please, it’s too much.” She dragged him by his hair away from her most vulnerable place.

“I wasn’t done,” he pouted. “You taste so good. Might be my new favorite snack.” His lips reunited with hers, and she could taste the remnants of her mess along his tongue, feeling the scruff of his facial hair scratch against her face.

“You promised,” she panted as she pulled away, “to fuck the shit out of me. Don’t tell me you lied.”

Bucky smirked at the challenge. “Never, doll. Never gonna lie to you.” With one hand, he carefully aligned himself with her entrance, but hesitated.

“Bucky?”

“Promise me,” he whispered. “Promise me you want this for me, not as a replacement.”

“I swear to you,” she solemnly stated, “that all I want is you, James Barnes.”

He pushed in slowly, so as not to hurt her. Within seconds, he was fully sheathed in her warmth. Both let out loud moans, and Y/N’s arms reached around his shoulders, pulling his chest to hers. The stretch was delicious, Y/N couldn’t help but think. It had been a while since she’d been with anyone, but even then, she couldn’t remember it feeling this right.

Bucky held his breath. God, this felt so good. Stars danced across his eyes as he realized there was no way he could stay still much longer. He needed to move. “Tell me when, doll,” he grunted.

“Move,” she breathed in his ear. Even though the words were practically a whisper, the demand in them was clear.

Never one, to disobey orders, Bucky pulled back and thrust in. Fast. It was official. Y/N’s moans were his favorite sound.

“Faster,” she breathed, face contorted into an expression of endless pleasure. ‘

“Yeah?” he smiled smugly. “I’ll give it to you faster, doll.” His hips moved at an impossible speed as she held him against her, face tucked into the crook of his neck. Her groans of pleasure fed right into his ear, and he never wanted anything else but this.

“Bucky,” Y/N moaned. “Buc- Bucky, please,” she cried. She didn’t even know what she was asking for. He was hitting that little spot with every thrust, angled just right and filling her so completely.

“I know, doll,” he groaned, chasing his high. “‘S like you were made for me,” he moaned. The words made Y/N whimper. “My perfect doll, yeah?”

Y/N keened under the praise, whining out loudly. “Bucky, baby, I’m gonna--”

“I feel you, doll. Let go for me.”

When Y/N reached her peak, she tightened, sucking his cock deep within her. Bucky moaned as his hips stuttered, one hand supporting him as the other wrapped around her back. Y/N cold feel him painting her walls.

Chests heaved as he eased them back down onto the bed, still buried in her heat. “You okay, doll?” he asked as he regained his breath.

“I think you broke me,” Y/N joked, voice croaking.

He went to roll over, but she followed him with a whine. “Don’t go,” she mumbled, nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck. “‘M comfy right here.”

“‘M not going anywhere.” He smiled softly as he pressed a gentle kiss to her temple.

Y/N let out a playful scoff, moving just enough that she could look him in the eye. “All that, and you’re only gonna kiss the side of my face?”

He rolled his eyes, but instead of responding, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to her lips as he pushed himself up. “I should get you cleaned up.”

“No,” she protested as he slipped out of her. She tried not to whimper at the sudden emptiness. “That can wait until morning. Come cuddle me.”

“Y/N…”

“Bucky, if you don’t come and cuddle me right fucking now I’ll start crying.” They both knew it was an empty threat, but nevertheless, Bucky found himself lying back down beside her, metal arm wrapping around her middle.

“You’re so pretty,” Y/N whispered as she traced a finger along his jawline. “Go to sleep, pretty boy.”

Sleeping next to Bucky was the best sleep she’d had in ages. His body pressed against hers provided the warmth she needed, the cool metal a welcome contrast against the would-be steamy morning. His features were highlighted beautifully by the late morning sun creeping through the open window. Everything about him just felt… right. The way he held her, the way his body fit against hers like a puzzle piece locking into place. She had thought things were just perfect with Steve, but it was as if Bucky was made for her. Handcrafted by whatever god there may be above to fit her needs and desires.

His smile was softer, she realized, than what Steve’s had been. His hair was softer and felt amazing when she ran her hands through it. His eyes… Y/N could spend a lifetime staring into those eyes. Steve had beautiful blue eyes, yes. But Bucky’s redefined what the color could mean. Steve’s blues had always felt like a summer sky. Bucky’s felt like the ocean on a beautiful day: cool, refreshing, and deep beyond comparison, holding secrets within their depths she couldn’t wait to explore.

Maybe she could explore them after she used the bathroom, though.

“Bucky,” she whispered. “Wake up, baby.”

The man twisted his head towards her but didn’t awaken. Instead, his arm tightened around her middle, creating pressure exactly where she didn’t need it.

A quiet whimper escaped her. “Buck,” she pleaded, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I need you to wake up.”

He began stirring at the affection, but still didn’t open his eyes. Noting this, Y/N resorted to her last option: press kisses all over his face in the hopes he woke up before disaster struck.

“Doll,” he groaned sleepily, “ wha’s all that for?”

The moment his arm came up to rub the sleep out of his eyes, Y/N bolted up.

Bucky started to make a sound of protest, but Y/N quickly cut him off as she snatched her shirt off the floor. “You have quite literally got an iron grip,” she huffed, “and I’ve had to pee for the last half an hour.”

Bucky broke out into a chuckle as she escaped through the doorway. “Don’t be long,” he called after her, to which she responded by extending her arm just far enough past the door frame for him to see that he was being flipped off. More laughs forced their way out of his system before he took a deep breath, staring at the ceiling. It had really happened, he realized with a smile. The clothes strewn across his floor were evidence enough of that. The fact that he woke up next to her had made his day the moment it began.

He’d expected it to have been a dream. To have woken up yet again to another empty bed, to an annoying hard-on, and the idea that she could never feel the same.

She felt the same.

“Alright you incorrigible monster,” Y/N huffed as she reentered the room, toddling back to the bed. “You left a giant mess on me that I had to clean up.” She smirked as she hovered over his form, leaning down to capture his lips.

“I thought you said I could clean you up,” he pouted, wide eyes looking up at her.

“Well, maybe I missed a spot or two?”

Bucky’s eyes lit up as he rolled himself over, pinning her wrists above her head with one hand as he positioned himself on top. “You know, I think I should check.”

Oh, there was no way they were getting out of bed today.

Her time with Bucky was simply… wonderful. She couldn’t even compare it to anything. He made her forget all the heartbreak and quite literally wiped any thought of him from her mind.

Which is why it came as even more of a surprise when a harsh knick rang out against Y/N’s door at two in the afternoon on a Sunday, while Bucky and Y/N were baking.

“Are you expecting anyone?” Bucky quizzed, shifting into defensive mode. It didn’t slip Y/N’s notice how he placed himself between her and the door, a natural barrier.

“No…” she trailed. “No, I’m not.”

“Miss Y/L/N?” came the quiet voice from the other side of the door. “Miss Y/L/N, are you home?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow quizzically, motioning for you to get behind him as he peered through the peephole. “It’s a guy and his kid.”

His brows furrowed as he undid the lock, opening the door just a sliver. “Who are you?”

“I’m… well,” the man struggled to find the words. He seemed to be around forty-something and looked… strangely familiar. Had they met before? No, Y/N pondered, she would have remembered that face.

“I’m Sam, Sam James Rogers. Junior. This is my son, Steven Buchanan. My granddad… passed, last night.”

The floor was ripped out from under Y/N. She pushed past Bucky, placing herself directly in front of the man. Of course, he was one of Steve’s. His appearance felt so… familiar. The blue eyes she once could have recognized anywhere. The blonde hair that she used to love running her hands through. It was all there, with just a slightly different face.

“He’s… gone?”

“He had a good life,” the younger boy piped in. He couldn’t have been over seventeen. “He talked about both of you guys, a lot, after Grandma Peggy died. He, um, asked us to give this to you.”

In the boy’s outstretched hand, he held a letter. Y/N couldn’t move. Was this the closure she’d been wanting? Was it an apology? Was it a final goodbye?

Could she read the final words of who she thought was the love of her life?

“Thank you.” Bucky reached across, grabbing the envelope.

“Anyways,” Sam sighed. “Me and my son, we’re both --as I’m sure you noticed-- named after you. I hope you know how much you meant to him. To all of us. We grew up with stories of you. You are our hero.”

The teenager was smiling softly at Bucky. He was flustered. How does one even begin to comprehend that?

“Thank you,” he settled for. “It’s, uh, it’s a lot to take in. I hope you don’t mind if we--”

“Oh, no take your time. If you want to talk, the service is next Thursday. He said you’d know where, Mr. Barnes.”

“Thank you,” Y/N whispered, distracted.

With a sad smile and a gentle nod, Bucky closed the door.

Silence was never more comforting.

“Are you going to read it?” Bucky finally breathed.

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

He grabbed her by the waist, gently tugging her closer. “Whatever you decide,” he mumbled as he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, “I’m with you.”

“He was already gone, in my mind,” she choked out, burying her head in his shirt. “But now it’s real and it feels worse than I thought it would.”

Sunshine,

I don’t know how long it will have been since I’ve gone that you’ll get this. I’m old now, I have the life I always promised you I’d give you. I’m sorry I’m not sharing it with you. I promised a lot of things that I could never have given you, and a part of me is sorry for that. I’m sorry I never told you I was leaving.

He loves you. He may not show it in all the best ways, but he’ll love you better than I ever could.

I wish I could say I was sorry for leaving you, but the only thing I’m really sorry about is not telling you. I wish I hadn’t lied to you that last night, but I have no regrets about going. These are the lives we were destined to have.

I found a way to forgive myself, and I hope you’ll find a way to forgive me too.

I’m happier here. I pray that, in some small way, you’re happy for me too. I hope you’re happy, with him. You deserve the world, the one he’ll give you.

I’ll forever regret that lie. But it turned out the best way it could.

Forever your friend,

Steve. x

He wasn’t sorry. He wasn’t sorry. For tearing her world apart. For ruining the best life she’d ever had. For taking the heart she’d handed him, the heart he’d promised to keep safe, and shredding it.

Bucky was furious. He hadn’t meant to read the letter, honest. But Y/N had left it out, on the dresser, when she’d sped past him in a flurry of flushed cheeks and tears, barely choking out “I’m going for a drive,” before she was out the door.

With a heavy sigh, Bucky put the letter down. A muscle in his jaw ticked. Steve didn’t think he was wrong for going, just for not telling her. He needed to clear his head. If he spent another minute near that goddamn paper, Bucky swore he would lose his mind.

The brink autumn air was a welcome sting as the ex-soldier stepped outside. His feet moved without any real purpose. He just wanted to clear his scrambled mind. Was this going to set her back again? Would Y/N lose all the progress she’d made towards feeling better? Would all that hard work she’d done go out the window the moment that his star-spangled apology fell empty?

Bucky didn’t even realize where he’d wandered until he saw the signpost.

West Hill Sunny Cemetery.

Steve’s mom and dad had been buried here. Of course, Steve would want to be in here, too. But that didn’t explain why he could see Y/N’s car against the curb, parked haphazardly. Bucky’s heart rate picked up when he heard muffled cries of anger from inside the wrought-iron fencing.

“Y/N!”

His feet were moving before his mind could even catch up, chasing the sound of her voice. “Y/N!”

The burly man skidded to a stop when he saw the sight in front of him.

Y/N knelt in front of the freshly set headstone. The undisturbed ground told her he hadn’t yet been laid to rest, but she paid no mind to the grass as it prickled the skin of her knees. Angry, hot tears made the words hard to make out, but she could see enough.

“You selfish, fucking asshole!” Her voice broke, betraying the angry expression and revealing the broken heart inside. “You promised me, you swore it wasn’t like that,” she cried.

When her bare fist came into contact with the stone, strong arms wrapped around her. A soothing voice murmured sweet calms in her ear, but she heard none of it.

“You lied to me!” She fought the bonds that kept her arms pinned to her sides, not recognizing it as the vibranium arm she’d spend her nights curled up against. She punched the stone more and more, taking her anger out on the slab of marbled granite in the spare moments she could escape Bucky’s restraining grasp. Bloodied bruises formed all across her skin as Bucky finally managed to collect the woman in his arms.

“Shh, love, it’s alright,” he whispered, even as his heart ached and screamed at just how not alright the situation was at all. “I’ve got you, it’s me, it’s Buck.”

Reality set back in. Steve was gone. He’d been gone. Bucky was here. Bucky was good, and right, and real. “I just…” she whispered, voice a broken remnant of the angry woman that was present mere moments ago. “I just wanted him to love me. Maybe I-- maybe I wanted him to be sorry he left, part of me hoped he missed me enough to feel sorry but he--” she cut herself off with a choked sob “--he didn’t even think he was wrong for it.”

“I know, doll, I know. Let it out.” So when Y/N pressed her face into his shoulder, tears wetting his shirt, he sighed angrily. Anger at the world, anger at Steve, but mostly just angry with himself for not being able to convince him to stay.

“I’ll spend more time missing him,” he heard her whisper against the crook of his neck, “than I ever did loving him.”

God if he wasn’t broken before, he was now. His arms tightened around her as he pressed himself impossibly closer as if ensuring himself she was still there. “It’s okay to miss him,” he whispered. “I’ll miss him the rest of my life. But you’re here. I’m here. We can’t spend our lives in his shadow. He… he didn’t know how to say it, but he wanted you to be happy. I want you to be happy.”

“I’m not asking you to forgive him,” the man breathed. Had breathing always been this hard? Why were his eyes getting hazy? Why were his cheeks flushing? “Just try to come back to me, yeah? Come back to James, sweetheart.”

When Y/N lifted her head, she was met with watery blue eyes and the kindest smile she’d ever known. “That’s my girl,” he choked. “I need you here with me. Don’t let him pull you back to where you started. You’ve done so good, angel, I just need you to stay with me here.”

Y/N tucked herself in the crook of his arm. “I’m here,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’m here with you, Buck.”

Sitting together, bloody knuckles and tear-stained faces, staring at Steve’s headstone, Y/N finally felt like maybe, someday soon, it would be okay again. Maybe, she thought the longer they sat there, Bucky holding her so close against him like it was all either of them could ever need, maybe it was already okay.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you loved it.

Masterlist Found Here

#bucky barnes smut #bucky banes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky x female reader #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #my works #whoever can find all of the taylor swift lyric references in this gets a kiss on the cheek from me #plus one from LANY

359 notes · View notes

darthwheezely · 4 years ago

Note

okay im backkkkk 💌 anything kinda angsty for fred pls (like a break up but theres a bit of making up at the end pls

resentment and reconciliation- f.w. hcs

Warnings: this one kinda hurt to write I’m ngl, I love you Jess but DAMN - cussing probably, mentions of slut shaming, actual smut, a lOT OF ANGST, hateful!fred

THIS WILL BE SO UNGODLY LONG THIS IS BASICALLY A PSUEDO ONE SHOT

people that might like this(?): @whiz-bangs78 @vogueweasley @theweasleyslut @loony-loopy-lupinn @lupinsclassroom @vivianweasley @oh-for-merlins-sake @kitwalker02 @tatesimper @gcdric @slytherinsunrise @lumosandnoxwriting

you and Fred were friends...

...simply friends

yep

mhm

only friends

friends that liked to casually dominate each other multiple times a week

sometimes multiple times a day

but regardless of your entirely messy relationship, you were best friends

...weren’t you?

“Fuck, Y/N, you’re so goddamn tight me,” Fred hissed as he was pounding inside of you, determined to release some kind of frustration from seeing you with George for the whole day when you both knew you had really just wanted to spend the day with Fred. Right?

“Freddie, you feel so good” you said airily as he hiked up one of your legs onto one of his shoulders.

“Yeah, princess? You like the way I fill you up so good, make you fucking mine?” When you moaned in response he threw your other leg onto the opposite shoulder, determined to show you just how much you were his, and what that meant for him. He had been watching you for months pretend nothing was happening outside this room, and regardless if you knew it or not, it had been killing him the day he agreed to your rendezvous the first time.

“Yes, Freddie, fuck, yes”

“Gonna come for me, sweet girl?”

“God, yes, Fred-“ and with a harsh thrust to your g-spot you clenched around him tightly, your body releasing onto him in a massive wave. He put his free hand that didn’t have your arms pinned above you to your clit, determined to have you as overstimulated as possible.

“Fred, please-“ you whined vehemently at his rough touch.

“I’m coming baby, I’m right here” and with a final pound he had smoothed your walls with him, the throbbing finally subsiding. He rolled his hips slowly to ride out his high, and he then pulled out, falling to your side and pulling you into his arms. He could feel your heart pounding as your breasts heaved against him, desperate for air flow where he had rid you of it all.

“We haven’t held each other like this in a while, Freddie...it’s...it’s really nice.” You whispered against his bare chest, pressing a kiss or two there. He nodded and buried his mouth in your hair, fluttering his eyes.

“I promise I’ll take every opportunity to hold you, okay?”

that was tuesday

let’s skip to Thursday morning

you had only told one other person about your complicated relationship with Fred, and that was Hannah Abbot

you trusted her, you saw her as your BEST friend

but unfortunately, good ol’ hannah didn’t really feel the same

she had it out for you when Roger Davies had confessed he had a crush on you at the Yule Ball, kissed you even, against your consent

see, he was Hannah’s date

and she didn’t like that very much

to top it allllll off?

she had been casually crushing on Fred ever since she had her heart broken by Roger

so now here you all were, seventh year and you assumed as per usual that everything was fine

when clearly, unbeknownst to you

this bitch saw you six feet under

so Hannah did what she knew would hurt you the most

she told Roger :)

“Please he’s absolutely balls deep in love with her, but poor thing doesn’t know she’s using him for a roll in the sack.” Said Hannah, filing her nails in the courtyard. Roger looked at her absolutely dumbfounded.

“No, Y/N, isnt like that. And besides, Fred’s a good mate of mine and...She just wouldn’t do that to him. Feelings or not, she’s not one to use people.” He shook his head starting to get up from the tree he’d been leaning on.

“Well, she used you, didn’t she?” She purred demurely. He turned to look at her, jaw clenched.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He gritted out.

“She’s making him her personal whore, exactly like she did when she rejected you at the Ball...I mean...cmon, Rog. Don’t people deserve to know who she really is?”

everyone had heard the next day how Y/N was fucking Fred Weasley like an Olympic sport

and how he wasn’t the one coming out on top for the first time

at first he didn’t know what he did when he walked into the Great Hall to stares and whispers

George had tried to get him to go back to bed so he could bring him food

but fred demanded answers

and when he found out what it was

...he was crushed

You walked into the cascading staircase, bounding up the stairs. It was Thursday night, you and Fred’s night to be alone while George and Lee would be hanging out. You walked into the room to see Fred, throwing things onto his bed and looking angry and...hurt?

“Fred, what-what is all this?” He didn’t look at you, just continued to pick stuff up off the floor, and got one of your bras. He threw it at you.

“It’s all your shit, Y/N. Might as well help since this is the last time you’ll ever be in my room. Or around me again quite frankly.” He started to look down again and keep working but he heard you whimper and his eyes flashed up to yours. He started to laugh harshly. “Oh my god, stop.” He rolled his eyes and threw his arms out. “You got what you wanted from me didn’t you, Y/N? Quick shag and no feelings and knowing you had an entire fucking human being completely and utterly devoted to you with, what did Ron say? ‘Half the commitment’?” He smiled at you but it was one with rage, with tears pooling at his eyes, pain emitting off his body in hot waves. He didn’t even know he was shouting.

“I mean, Jesus, I’m in love with you and you got to go on and-and fuck whoever you want because guess what at the end of the day you get to tell everyone that Fred fucking Weasley is your own personal whore and would do anything for you and that just got you where you wanted it didn’t it? Didn’t it?” He had stopped yelling, his heart pounding as he took in the sight of you fully in tears now, flinching at him quietly. He felt immediately then like he was going to throw up, something wasn’t right, you usually were so fiery and assertive and here you were looking like a dog that got kicked repeatedly. He swallowed thickly. “Get your stuff and get the fuck out I can’t stand the sight of you.”

Without looking at him you reached onto his bed and grabbed everything you could carry, and swiftly left the room. Everyone in the Gryffindor common room, except George, looking at you with pure unbridled disdain.

George was the only it seemed, that cared about you at this time for the next couple weeks

He didn’t tell Fred, but it had been George that had been sneaking up food to you in your dorm room

It had been George that had sent you little notes in class that said things like

I love you, Y/N. I believe in you, okay?

He even visited your dorm one day when you couldn’t move so much as one leg off your bed, and he caught you then, while you were sobbing about the loss of Fred and yourself and he held you and put you back in bed

and waited until you fell back asleep and moved the hair out of your face

he needed to tell Fred the truth

meanwhile, Fred was floundering

he had fallen back into his coping mechanism of sex and violence, mostly the first one

he had started hooking up with virtually everyone in his year that he’d ever rejected

after all - fred was labeled as a slut so why not act like one

if there was anything Fred was good at, it was being loud

in bed it had never been an issue - in fact, it was a talent now, yeah?

he’d been hearing it around school for weeks now

how easy he was

how much he would do to get in a girl’s pants

how he dipped his wick in anything that moved

anything and everything

he got it from girls

“c’mon freddie can i take a ride just once”

to the guys

“Oi freddie, you let your mates hit it for free too?”

if it were from a guy he’d usually swing a punch

or 12

he’d gotten in his most fights that he ever had in any of his years at hogwarts

but then Georgie came along:

George had waited on Fred’s bed, as his twin was in the shower. Lucky for Fred, George had been able to trace Roger’s little dip in the gossip system all the way back to Hannah Abbott, who everyone knew was bullshit, and had decided to let his brother know exactly what kind of a supreme asshat he was being to their best friend (and the love of Fred’s life, let’s be super honest.)

“Georgie, what the hell are you doing-”

“About to give you the whip cracking of your life, dear brother.” George swung his legs off the bed as Fred continued to dry his hair in the mirror, rolling his eyes.

“Is this about the last girl I had by? We didn’t fuck on your bed if that’s what you’re so worried about.” Fred quipped and George took everything in his power to not bitch slap the hell out of his older twin. George clenched his jaw and rolled it.

“You fucked up, Freddie.” He said quietly. Fred turned slowly to look at him. “Excuse me?”. “You. Fucked. Up.” George said a bit louder. “Y/N got played. By Hannah Abbott and Roger Davies. She’s had a crush on you this whole time, you absolute dumb piece of shit.” And then George did push Fred then backwards onto the bathroom wall, but he was too dumbfounded by the usually sensible twin’s behavior to do anything back.

“That’s-I don’t understand-“

“Oh my god, Fred. Hannah’s been in love with for ages, she lied. To everyone. Roger did too, he’s wanted to get with Y/N since day 1 you know that just as well as I do.” Fred tightened his arm, thinking about Roger with his lips and arms on you that night last year-

“Your point? She still said that shit about me” he said gruffly, but a pool of anxiety swirled in his stomach all the same

“Don’t you get it? Y/N is in love with you. She didn’t say or do anything to hurt you. At all. She hasn’t been eating, she hasn’t been doing homework, she throws up constantly, she’s barely left bed but to go to the library and usually all she does there is sleep anyway, she cries all the time and it’s been me making sure she still is present if not to just see people every damn day! So quit youre moping and fix this shit or I swear to God, Freddie, I’ll knock your block off.” George was heaving, pools of water in his eyes as he swallowed. “She’s my best friend too, you know.”

Fred looked up at George then and had started to cry. All of those things he said, all of the words he spat at her like they could burn her skin and cause some of the pain he believed she had caused him, when in reality you had-you had done nothing wrong.

“Georgie, I’m sorry” he choked.

“I know you are. But I’m not the one to say it to right now...you’ve gotta find her, Freddie. Please.”

you had been in the corner of the quidditch stands

the wind was blowing against your hair

you couldn’t be in your room anymore, it started to smell like you

and you, prior to an hour ago, didn’t smell too appetizing

you reeked of sweat and tears and your own sick

you took a shower so hot you wanted it to burn you alive

maybe sanitize the last of your fear and your hurt away

you had lost weight, you had lost feeling

you all in all had just lost

and you had never wanted to go home so badly, already considering writing home

you hated being reminded that your best friend and crush hated you

wanted you to be hated by everyone else too

but then, you heard footsteps

“Y/N?” Fred whispered to himself as he saw you in the stands. You looked so worn, so lifeless sitting there - he almost didn’t recognize you from the way your hair, usually scrunched up and bouncy had fallen flatly against your face, further slapped around by the wind outside. You had been wearing an oversized sweater and your sweatpants had pooled around your ankles. Simply put, you were miserable.

“Y/N?” He called again once he was standing in front of you. You turned to look at him in what felt like slow motion, but when you locked eyes with him, you immediately felt fearful.

“I-I’m sorry, I’ll leave now” you sputtered

“No, hey, wait, please” he reached out to grab your arm and you froze, letting him take it. He looked at you, with a flash of fear and worry on your face and he wanted to throw up knowing he was the one that made you feel like that.

“Fred, please let go” you hoarsely whispered.

“No, love, I’m not going to let go I have some things to apologize for.”

You started to cry, eyes dropping again to his hand on your arm and breathing feeling suddenly like a very hard task. “You hate me now: you sobbed and you pulled yourself from his grip, turning away from him and gathering your bag. He started to scramble for your hold again tears starting to stream down his face

“No, angel, please, I could never hate you”

“Oh? What about those things you said to me in your room-” you were walking faster over the benched seats, making your way to the other side.

“I know I know I said those things in my room but I can’t believe them because you have to believe me when I tell you I’m in love with you” and he was sobbing at your body turned away from him. You turned to look at him with a skeptical quirk of your face.

“No, no you don’t.” You spat.

“Yes, Y/N, I do please let me explain” he said earnestly taking in your bright eyes and the furrow of your brow.

“People who love each other don’t scream at them and throw things.” You said flatly. You wanted him to be true but you couldn’t make yourself believe him.

“Just give me five minutes of your time and-and if you hate me you never have to see me again. Please.” He closed the gap between you two and motioned for you to sit down. You licked a tear from your lip and nodded siting on a bench besides him.

“Hannah and Roger told everyone-”

“I know what happened. What they did. I want to hear about you. And what you said. And are saying” you looked at him in the eyes with steel burning behind your irises.

He sighed and rubbed his jaw. “I thought that what we had was purely sex in your eyes. And I was too much of a coward to ever ask you, so when I heard someone tell me that my own insecurities could possibly be true,” he inhaled a harsh breath as tears started to fall “I-I was crushed. By the idea that you saw me as what other people saw me as...as a toy? I guess? Or a sexual prop? To use when you wanted. But I hide my feelings a lot as you know, so even if you did feel that way, it would’ve looked like I agreed because I hate you knowing how sad I am,” he started to choke on his tears, the anguish of knowing he hurt you this much was too much for him to ever be able to handle. “I just wanted to hold you and whisper in your ear and tell you how much I love you and the thought of my own fears being true pushed you away. And you never have to forgive me. I-when I yelled at you like that I wanted to see you hurt, I think. I wanted you to see how sad it made me to think about you with other people like you had been with me and” he took a final breath and you pulled his body into you. “Y/N, my love I’m so sorry.” His sobs shook your body, the feeling and angle of the destroyed boy you love shaking you everywhere. You pressed kisses to his head. “Freddie, I love you” you repeated “I love you here and here and here and here and here” and with every kiss you gave him, you were determined to soothe him. “I-I’ sorry too, for not being as forthright with you about how i felt too. It’s always been you, Freddie.” He choked out a watery smile and he leaned in to kiss your face everywhere he could, his tears stinging against the wind and your cheeks.

“If-If you could ever be with me I will always be open to it at any time, you know that don’t you? I-I understand if you can’t.” He held his forehead to yours, his nose brushing yours ever so slightly.

“Freddie, I love you. You were who I missed when I couldn’t get out of bed for fuck’s sake you’re all I want,” and he leaned into you then fully, capturing your wet and chapped lips against his. Your arms wrapped around his neck and he melted into you like this

this

this was fred weasley

#fred weasley #fred weasley imagine #fred weasley headcanons #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley smut #harry potter #harry potter headcanon #Harry Potter smut

895 notes · View notes

reeree1500 · 5 years ago

Text

The Return- Part 11

Im backkkkk💕 Hey yall so after a very very longgggg break from writing😅😬 I am officially back💕 I wanted to say thank you to everyone who reached out to me for their support and their love💕☺️ I am currently working on finishing up this series for yall as well as some smutty😏 requests that have been sent in. And I just wanna say that I love all of yall and yall are the best people out there💕💕💕💕💕💕

Disclaimer: Some Angst, Some Fluff and my horrible writing as always💕 Hope yall enjoy💕

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @readsalot73 @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness @zuxiezendler @thejulietfarciertlove @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @affection-rabbit @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @biss-stuff @funmadnessandbadassvikings

Lemme know if you want to be a part of my permanent taglist as well, so I know who to include in the one shots☺️💕

-------------------------------------------------

Recap:

Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new clothes. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...

-----------------------------------------------------

Ivar’s POV

It seemed like time and everything around me stilled. What had started as a very awkward and unpleasant evening, had become even worse. Just a few steps away from me, (Y/n) had collapsed and I wanted nothing more than to rush to her aid and lift her up in my arms so that I could whisper that everything would be okay. That our son would be fine, because he was a fighter and he was OUR SON! That this was all a nightmare and that I would not rest till whoever was responsible would be put to death by my hands! But how could I? How could I be that person she needed the most when all I had done was bring her pain and sorrow.

I hand single handedly destroyed her life and her family. It wasn't until I saw her there. Laying down on the mattress as cold as ice that it dawned on me. All the hurt and pain that I place the people I love through...

“Ivar? Are you alright my love?” Said Freydis as she knelt down before me, whilst placing her hands on my knees. My hands that once rested on the arms of the chair I was in, grasped on to her arms. I lifted my gaze to meet hers with the iciest stare that I could muster. “Do...Not...Touch...Me...Whore. I want nothing to do with you, for I know that somehow you're involved in this. And when I find out how, I will not hesitate to end your life!” I said through gritted teeth, whilst I pushed her down on to the floor. “My king, my god, I have nothing to do with this I assure you! Please you must believe me!” She pleaded with me whilst trying reach for me again. I only stared at her and said nothing back for I would not be able to contain myself from killing her.

Shifting my gaze away from her I stare at the mattress in the middle of the room. Were (y/n) and Erik lay. Both pale, but you could tell that Erik was not in as bad of a shape as (y/n) was, as he had some colour to his skin. I could see Freydis from the corner of my eyes, lifting herself up and trying to come towards me. This idiot does not give up. I quickly turned my icy glare towards her and she stopped dead in her tracks. Bowed and slipped away from the room.

Her eyes told me everything I needed to know. They showed guilt, anger, even happiness, perhaps at the fact that the only person that has ever loved me for me was dying, but the one thing that showed the most was remorse. And that single handedly told me that she was involved. Freydis was not smart enough to do this on her own, so there must have been someone else pulling the strings. And I would not rest until I found out who!

-----------------------------------------

Your POV

Fluttering my eyes open, I start to notice the familiar surroundings around me. The fireplace’s light radiating across the entire room. Marjorie’s little body at the foot of the bed sound asleep and Erik’s little body hugging her’s closely as if he was protecting her from anything. Erik! At that thought I try my hardest to lift myself off the bed to check on my baby boy, but am stopped by him. “Surely, you're not thinking about getting up, are you now? We both know that’s probably one of the stupidest things you could do in your condition.” Ivar said from the chair he was in. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, maybe even weeks. His hair was disheveled and his eyes held something to them that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

I tried to form words, but couldn't quite find the right one’s. Ivar stood up from the chair and used his crutch as support to lift himself off the chair and walk towards the bed in the middle of the room. “I..var, what happened? Erik.. h..he was...” I trailed off before the tears streamed down my face. “Shhhh... It’s alright. Don’t cry, I’ll explain everything that’s happened, but please do not cry. I cannot bear to see you in tears, love.” Ivar said while wiping the tears of my face with his thumbs as he sat down beside me. As Ivar took my hand in his, he recounted everything that had occurred in the last 2 weeks to me.

Freydis had been escorted back to Kattegat by Ivar’s guards, he did not tell me why, but I could tell that it was something serious by the way his demeanour changed. Bjorn and Hvitserk were set to sail back as well sometime this week as they had treaties and business to attend to in Ivar’s behalf. Who was keen on not leaving my side till I awoke and Erik was back to full health. “And Arthur? Where is he?” I whispered, noticing the children about to wake up. At that Ivar takes a deep breath in and with an exasperated sigh... “He’s gone (y/n). He left a note about a week ago. He said that being here at your side wasn’t his place anymore, that the children and you would always have a place in his heart. And not to worry, that he was not going to revoke the children’s titles. But...” Ivar said looking down at our intertwined hands. For a moment I could see genuine sadness and guilt in his eyes, he looked back at the children and then he looked directly into my eyes. The eyes that I had tried so long to forget. The eyes that brought me comfort, safety and most of all the love that as much as I tried to deny it, he could only give me. “He divorced you (y/n)...”

Before I could even get the chance to process what Ivar was telling me, I felt two pairs of arms wrap around me. “Mama! You're awake!” Cried out Marjorie. “Oh my babies! Im so sorry, I will never ever leave your sides again do you hear me?” I say to both Erik and Marjorie as I look into their eyes and wrapped them in a bear hug. I can feel Ivar’s stare from where he is sitting and before I realize what Im doing, I pull him in to the hug by the shirt he was wearing. “I cant... breathe...” said Erik from underneath mine and Ivar’s arms. At that we all let out a small laugh and let go of our family hug. “Erik are you feeling alright? Are you sick? We should probably get the doctor. And you should be in bed mister not out of it!” I say once it dawns on me that my son was almost poisoned, and here he is acting as if nothing had happened. “Calm down (y/n), he's alright I had the best doctors taking care of him while you were, you know.” Ivar says as he rubs my back in a soothing way. “Yeah Mama! Uncle Ivar...I mean Papa took care of me and Marjorie whilst you were sleeping, he never once left my side even though he probably should have, he looks terrible.” Erik says as he whispers the end of his sentence making me and Marjorie laugh. Ivar just stared at him not knowing how to reply to Erik. “Rude.” Is all that Ivar said before plopping down next to me on the bed, making us all laugh harder. I could see Ivar playing as if he were hurt by Erik’s statement, but his eyes told me how astonished he was at the fact our little boy was just like him, not to mention the fact that I could tell Ivar was dying of laughter on the inside.

Moments later as the children are telling Ivar and I what they had done during the week. There’s a knock at the door. Marjorie and Erik go to answer it, as they noticed that Ivar had fallen asleep with his head on my lap and he hasn't slept at all during the last 2 weeks. “Well if it isn't, my beautiful niece and my handsome nephew. Eh! How’s your papa, is he still brooding and acting all grumpy in the corner of the room?” Hvitserk says with a grin on his face that stretches ear to ear. “Nope! He’s sleeping on mama’s lap you see.” Marjorie says as she points toward us from Hvitserk��s arms. “(y/n), you're awake!” He says putting Marjorie down and running towards the bed and throwing himself on it. Ivar’s hand shoots out and grabs Hvitserk’s throat. “Don’t.” He says before letting go and going back to sleep, as he places his upper body across my legs. “And were back to normal people!” Hvitserk as he laughs while hugging me and kissing my forehead.

“So how are you feeling? How was it actually? Wait you must me insanely hungry, good thing I had your cooks make a feast!” As Hvitserk went on and on asking questions and me trying to answer them to the best of my ability I start to think about my family and what the future holds for us especially now since I’ve lost my best friend. And Im not 100% forgiving Ivar just yet, but I cant help but feel that this is how it was meant to be. Ivar and I listening to the ramblings of Hvitserk and our children and one of us drifting away while the other smiled and nodded. The thought brought a huge smile to my face, and a feeling that I could never forget nor want to disappear. The feeling of Family.

---------------------------------------------------

After a couple of days I still wasn't back 100%, but I couldn't just stay locked up in a room. Ivar protested all he could, but he knew that I would not stop until I got what I wanted. As I made the trek from the castle to the cliff I could see the ocean and how calm and serene it looked. The birds flocking from one place to another and the sun setting in the distance. The view was breathtaking. “You know considering you just got poisoned, you shouldn't be out and about by yourself.” Bjorn said as he approached me at the edge. “I know, but I just needed a moment to myself. To think about things and wrap my head around this mess.” I said pulling the shawl a little tighter around myself, to shield me from the ocean’s breeze. “Here, take this.” Bjorn said as he placed his fur around my shoulders. “I thought I lost you for good (y/n). Those 2 weeks where we didn't know if you would awake, took me to a dark place that I haven't gone too since before you came back into my life...” Bjorn whispered as he looked out towards the sun set. “Bjorn, I’m a horrible person. I can’t stop thinking about how this is the life I was meant to live. Just me, my kids and Ivar. What about Arthur? He was such a big part of my life and I...”

“You can’t help, but feel guilty. Guilty that was you shared wasn't meant to be, that secretly you hoped for this day all your life? Free from what seemed like a burden?” He says as he sitting down and twiddling with the laces on his boots. “Yes... But he wasn't a burden, he was my friend, my best friend. He was there for me when Ivar wasn't, he took care of me.” I choke out through sobs as I fall on my knees next to him. “I know, but you cant help who you love (y/n) and who you do not. At the end of the day you would have held this in and it would've ate away at you, for Odin knows how long.” Bjorn says wiping away my tears and kissing my forehead. “God I hate you sometimes, you know that?” “Nope, you loveeee me.” We say as we laugh together whilst we lay down on the grass looking up at the stars as the night took over. “(y/n), although you're not technically my sister. I want you to know that no matter what I’ll always be with you and that I love you.” Bjorn says without looking at me. “I know...I love you too, big brother.” I take his hand in mine to show him that nothing has changed between us and that no matter what he’ll always be my big brother.

Standing up we make our way back to the castle, but before we go in I stop him. “Bjorn, when is the boat departing to Kattegat, again?” “In 4 days time, why?” He asks with a worried look on his face. “Let’s say that I’ll be joining you, 4 years is long enough to be away from home.” I say looking up at him, with a hard look on my face. “I’m not one to stop you, but are you sure that’s what you want?” He says with a worried look. “Believe me, its what I want and what I will do.”

I had gone too long being afraid of the retaliation that Floki would take against me, but I knew that he had orchestrated this poisoning, for he wanted me dead. However, he had not only messed with me, but with my son and no one touches my children. This time I would not return to Kattegat a scared little girl. I would return as a mother, who would protect her kids and her family at all costs and this time I would not be the one sent away, for I would stay in Kattegat and nothing and no one would get in my way...

#vikings #vikings fanfiction #vikings history channel #vikings fandom #vikings ivar #ivar #ivar the boneless #ivar lothbrok #ivar x reader #bjorn #Bjorn Ironside #bjorn lothbrok #vikings bjorn #vikings hvitserk #Hvitserk #hvitty

50 notes · View notes

survivormetaverse · 4 years ago

Text

Episode 12 - "i'm baaaaaacckkkkk 😈" ~Jodi

An iconic moment happened today and I accidentally voted my closest ally out of the game. So Brayden got sent home and he is going to hate me when he finds out what happened. I did kind of get him out on accident I did not mean for Brayden to go I wanted Jay gone but I was blindsided by Colin and Josh and Elle AND AMY!!??]£[_[3 Omg. Im really upset that hes gone i miss him so much and I dont know how Im gonna go on without his brain. I dont trust Jay but Jared and Jay were both messaging me about how they already forgive me and stuff so thats a little crazy. I think it could be fake or they are just desperate for numbers. But I am with Josh and Amy and Colin and Elle now. I want to be with their numbers. I talked to all of them individually and they said they all were sorry for lying to me and causing me to get my friend out. I know its just a game but I just feel awful and so guilty right now. This has probably been the worst day of my life. He probably will never play another org with me again and hes the only reason i play orgs its boring without him. We are best friends increal life and I hope he can forgive me. I havent said anything to him because thats breaking the rules. But when he finds out im literally so scared of what he'll say to me. I pray he will forgive me I am literally so dumb af.

i'm baaaaaacckkkkk..................... 😈

This is literally worst case right now with jodi winning the play back like throughout the day she has won back her allies including anastasia since she swapped coins with her. Elle, colin, and josh all gave me all their coins to grab immunity before the other side to protect me but also it makes me a bigger target lol plus I gave elle some swapped to get the second thing the leftover because I THOUGHT it could give us an extra vote since that was ony menu but I was tired and drunk and it was a LOT of words and it was just the hunts which I knew didn't have any and I feel terrible bc 150 tokens and my actual alliance is going to be so mad when they realize THAT I HAVE THE LAST ONES and fucked up in suggesting it at all. First they were going for info. So now I think Jodi got all the other sides tokens and they are pooling for something idek. It's literally worst case like we were set to be up 5-2 or at least 4-3 and now it looks like it's 4-4 again hahaha neat. And it looks like colin is chatting with jodi again and they are making deals lol like tbh if she gets to the end I am voting for her to win I've said it many rounds. Turns out anastasia and brayden not only know each other irl they are besties so she mad mad. And Josh looks to be making deals and thinking about flipping so I am on borrowed time but tbh I never expected to make merge. I am glad I have immunity bc I physically couldn't do the challenge anywU here lol and I fucked that up too hahahaha. Good times all around. Like I want to tell them about my steal a vote to have official numbers but now they'd just be mad hahaha literally colin and I had every advantage except jared's idol now. Ahhhh idk what to do but it remains hilarious. I'm expecting Raffy to give my info in these in the market and that is no bueno ahahahaha. I am tempted to just give colin everything bc it's funny. Also jodi talked to me until 1am just trying to guilt me into being back with her I said I have to sleep goodnight like 5 times minimum. Her social game is so good that's why I think she has them all back with her and possibly josh. The problem is that I was keeping her close bc she had the info from others and from my game. I really never had a number one lol bc I was just vibing and I guess now colin is bc I flipped with him lol and I think it's hilarious he grew his army from 0 to 5 almost.

I have a suspicion colin and anastasia have actually been closely aligned this whole time and she knew everything all along. Colin sure loves giving out info haha. And apparently deals are happening all over, none of which I have made 😂

Jodi's backkkkk, wild wild wilddddd. The challenge went poorly, darn thats like 20 minutes wasted. We bought the refresh and there was nothing there 💔 that's 150 tokens wasted 😅. But! We got Amy immunity✨ and then Colin won the challenge so tbh everything's still going great lol. Wonder how we're gonna vote this round :/ we'll see how this goes! I've stopped worrying whether I'm going completely, it either happens or it doesn't 💖 xoxo, gossip girl (this is misleading I HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW i just know way too much about it because i have friends that did lol)

So after I voted my showmance Brayden out of the game I was left with an interesting situation. I had cried to Josh Colin and Amy that I was alone now and that my whole alliance hated me. With Jodi back in, I dont think they believe me. I literally flipped sides so I could be in their alliance because I didnt trust Jay and Jared and Jodi. But they literally lied to me about the vote and said it was nothing personal to me but they didnt tell me the plan because they wanted to see if I was lying. Which sucks for me because I then voted Brayden out :( Now that they know that im truthful they said they would work with me now. But all of them have been pretty inactive today. I talked to Amy the most and a little Colin and a little Josh. But I wasnt in their alliance. So I asked Amy if I could be added into an alliance chat since I was apperently in their alliance now. And she said sure. And they added me to a vote block. That is not an alliance group chat btw. So I was like wow thanks. But inside I was like screw this. So before this all happened, Jodi, Jay and Jared put me in a true alliance group chat. This morning I was ready to work with Colin and Josh but not anymore. Not after they put me in a vote block chat clearly saying to me that I am just a number to be used. They don't even need my vote either because Amy has an idol and Amy and Colin are safe. So I'm obviously voting with Jay, Jared, and Jodi. And I know they probably have a final three without me. They could call it something really cool like the three J's. But I called Jay and explained everything to him. (Also Jay forgave me for literally trying to get him out. He umderstands that its a game and all of my motives about not trusting him anymore.) He said he would be a hypocrite if he didnt forgive me because he told people my name in the chaos vote. So I actually think we are cool. And I told Jay that I am his number one. Which is true. He told me a lot of things about how Amy is actually really smart and stuff (I thought that girl was just a goat that I could take to the end with me) But her and colin are tight and both immune. This is bad. Basically we will go to rocks unless Elle flips to our side. Jay is giving his pitch to Elle tommarow. And maybe I will apologize to her correctly tomarow too. ALSO SPELLING THE WORD TOMARROW IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. Also I took 62 minutes to complete a puzzle today so thats kind of emberassing. Anyways bye everyone this was so much fun to type omg.

Lol I woke up to a text from jodi asking if anyone was taking about votes yet and I said no because I went to sleep early bc I almost passed out from heat yesterday and had just woke up and she responded "ummmm lol...." 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry I sleep. She's in Colin's dms saying how I was legit her number one and now we can't even talk about votes. Like yeah girl we worked our asses off to get you out of the game sorry I'm not happy you are back. Also I'm still at disney world so I don't have the time for a million conversations. I know I'm going to be the Russell Hanz of the f3 /if/ I make it. So what's jury management lol like she was already pissed I voted her out and I plan to do it again. Anyway it looks like it's hilariously about to be a unanimous jay vote tonight but I am thinking we throw one vote somewhere else in case of an idol. But if jodi did get anastasia back we can't do that. Anyway lol I'm immune so whatever. Elle and Colin discussed like if it's on elle (which apparently jared proposed an alliance of 5 which included myself lol!) Then we could go to rocks and have only josh as a possibility and statistically he won't go if he is willing to go to rocks that it. All this to say I'm f7 and I want to keep my extra vote to f6 if possible so I can use the idol for fun at f5.

https://youtu.be/snpKevncc44

My quest has come to an end. I joined this game to be someone who could be there for Jodi. Jodi and I played survivor subrosa together and we both had rough experiences due to a player in the game who harassed jodi and tried to convince everyone I was misogynistic. As much as I love Survivor, I didn’t play this game to win. I played this game because Jodi told me she was playing it and I wanted to be her body guard. I wanted to be someone who could be there for her both as a number but also as an enforcer, anybody who ever dared to do anything to Jodi would’ve had to have dealt with me. Tonight, Amy and Colin have immunity, and either amy or josh or elle have an idol, so there’s no point in making any noise tonight and wasting Jared’s idol. None of those 4 trust me, and I doubt any of them like me. It is what it is, it’s best for Jodi, Jared, and Anastasia’s game to move forward without me, and it’s smart for Jared to keep his idol. Tonight, I will be voted out, and I am 100% at peace with it.

Since Elle, Josh, Amy and Colin pooled their tokens for immunity and advantage refresh, it means all the advantages and disadvantages are on our side. Plan is to send Elle a disadvantage and let Colin know because honestly it’s not hard to find out anyways. Jay doesn’t mind getting booted at some point cuz he wants to stand for me on the jury, but I don’t want to boot him right now. Obviously they won’t boot Elle, so I’m going to see if Jared will propose Anastasia. The thing right now is me/Jay/Anastasia/Jared also know next round is invisible. So I want Jay or Anastasia to send Colin and Amy disadvantages because if they’re paranoid seeing me Jared/Jay/Anastasia have advantages and they have disadvantages, they might be paranoid enough to play all their idols. I also wanted to keep Jay for this round as it’d be unanimous and something everyone can settle on. Jared wanted to do me/Jared/Josh/Amy/Colin as an alliance but has concerns about the 3 of them being in top 5 in the majority snd also Colin having his ideal f3. I told him my plan has the best shot at flushing all idols and hopefully we can either get Josh to flip or at least have Amy/Colin vulnerable at 5/6. Last thing is Jared is worried he’d be blindsided this round. I told him my plan and I said even if he wanted to flush his idol this round, next round should be ok if we all vote out Jay and the rest of them flush idols. Good to be back in the game! I genuinely believe Colin wants me as a shield at least for this round, and if I can make it through, I have a game to play.

Not everyone saying they only bought an advantage lol what about those other 70 tokens 👀👀👀 Like it must be jay unless someone is lying haha i am hoping people are just busy bc these answers I'm getting from Josh and Colin are concerning 😂 It looks like only elle and got disadvantages ☠️ I am really hoping not to be a target next round even though I know I will be haha. Next round is only 7 and I'd love to take out jodi and jared before they turn on me ☠️ especially since colin creeped on jodi's insta and it is possible they know each other from sports irl. And she was so concerned about all these pregame connections 😂 and here it was likely to deflect. Anyway I just swapped my position of having jodi do all the social work with having colin do all the social work knowing full well I'm not gonna get those end votes. I'm just trying to pull up my placement average now 😂. I hope everyone sees me as having no social game to take me to the end lol bc realistically I don't bc I don't care to put in that time this game. As I write from the pirates of the caribbean line 😂 So anyway if I'm not being lied to which I might be it looks like unanimous jay tonight but also I think the other group was talking split on jay like a 3-3-2 and I'm like wait the 2 wouldn't help. Elle are you okay with that? So I think they must have figured out I have stuff ☠️ I wonder what people REALLY bought haha okay bye

Jodi is back, not just Jodi Jodi, but player Jodi. Player Jodi thinks a LOT. When I was out, the entire time I was hoping somebody caught on that Amy flipped because they knew to put a stray vote on Colin to protect him from chaos idol, but they left Josh exposed. Why? Because Colin knew Amy was going to throw a vote on Josh. Also, Colin tied with me for closest ally and that set off an alarm too. Onto the next. So Colin won immunity, Amy bought immunity, but this could possibly be good because it means they are playing knowing they are not at risk themselves. Anastasia is voting with them this round, but she's actually working with us. She told us that the actual plan on that side is: "Jay, Jared, Jodi vote elle and Elle, Amy, Colin vote Jay and Josh and Anastasia vote Jodi" Anastasia will vote me here to continue "working" with them for the next vote. Essentially, they thought that Jay had the merge idol this whole time and Colin was weary about it, and that's why he got nervous about sending out Jay last round. That told me Colin did not have the merge idol. Josh came to me too about Jay having the merge idol. But the way they're splitting the votes this round shows me now that somebody has stepped forward to mention they have it (likely Elle) because if Jay idoled, Elle goes in this split vote plan. Therefore, somebody must've been like "ok let's just be safe and split the votes, I have the other idol". That's good and bad because now Colin has no merge idol paranoia, and they're also able to use it together. It also did confirm to me they've talked about it. Here's where things get tricky. Player Jodi is so tempted to run with it and do a 4-3-1 Josh-Jay-Jodi but it's so risky and could possibly destroy the long term social game, especially if they idol for Josh and Jay goes anyway (we are not idoling for him here). So instead, I'm going to use Jay's vote out to the best of my advantage. Hopefully flush an idol if possible, maybe a steal-a-vote, something. Knowing about next round being invisible is good info for us. Having this info is so key and usually I would think that immunity for a round is bigger than this but being able to plan ahead for a GAME-CHANGING twist is crucial here. My move here is to play the game through psychological distress. I have no advantages! Since they're out of tokens from buying immunity, me/Anastasia/Jared/Jay bought advantages for ourselves and also sent out disadvantages to Colin/Amy/Elle. Seeing that not only we have advantages but also them having disadvantages, they probably still feel like things will be ok because they'll just split votes or whatever and one of them needs to win immunity. But given this is an invisible round, I think Amy is honestly paranoid enough to just play her idol, hopefully Elle does too, and then between me and Jared, we'll idol for one of us. I also plan on bluffing an advantage coming back from Jury, and say something along the lines of having to survive one round before the advantage got activated. I'm going for the win, everyone, I know that if I get to the end with anybody, I have a solid shot at winning. I just need to get there and to do that, I must play an adaptable game – more than ever. PS I am holding onto Jared's idol right now. Power (temporary) feels amazing. Dw I'm giving it back....😈

this has been the most chill round in a while. which is really weird consider JODI IS BACK AND WE BLINDSIDED BRAYDEN LAST ROUND this round is turning out to be what I WANTED last round to be. everyone is talking with everyone, people are trying to disband the sides and all intermingle. it's really interesting how no one else was on board with this until after they lost majority. seems like people don't like playing from the bottom. weird huh now these bitches know how I felt >:( anyway. jodi is back. it's weird. she knows that amy flipped now and everyone is playing very carefully my ideal boot this round was either jay or josh, in that order. so when my gay ass WON IMMUNITY I immediately put out jay's name. we already have the numbers, but I also like said my piece to jodi and jared, this is yalls chance to prove to me that you're really with me and sides don't exist. the ball is in their court do i trust them? no. am I worried? no. i have immunity, the scariest thing rn is that I think Jay is voting Elle, and if Jared and Jodi are with him then that's scary, bc Jared has an idol. The ONLY people I would play my idol for is Amy and Elle, and Elle being in trouble means I might have to play my idol on her if Jay idols himself. We have enough to split, so I'm not worried, I just hope all goes according to plan. sorry my confessional is lame. its the weekend now so i have time uwu. I'll write more the next few days

So this whole token twist thing has really annoyed me. Because of me wanting to show my loyalty to my alliance, i gave away all my coins to Amy so that she could but immunity. And against my wishes, Elle wasted her coins on the “advantage” which turned out to be a dud. I wanted to get coins together to buy game info or better yet, trade coins with other people. But i was left with nothing, while all the people on the other side used their coins to buy advantages in the next immunity challenge making it even harder for me to secure my safety. Maybe this new 2 Gays and a Jared alliance might actually pan out but im tired of getting the short end of the stick with everything.

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Anastasia: She is in the middle of the two sides. They both need her for the rest of this game before a side is terminated. She is the most powerful because she is in the middle.

Jodi: Has regained a lot of her footing in this game. Is being used as a shield by the people who voted her out. The decision to vote out Jay is questionable, but she still has a lot of power thanks to the knowledge Anastasia and Jared feed her.

Colin: The head of the opposing side. Seems to not know what is really going on with Anastasia. But his allies are willing to take him to the end which is good. Needs to avoid falling into a Jodi pitfall.

Amy: Her rat behavior has been exposed, but her allies are still willing to defend her. Second in command on the Colin side. She is being handed these immunities.

Jared: Jodi’s new #1. Will probably make it to the end of this game. However, he isn’t calling the shots and is in danger of being targeted as an “easy” vote or being called a goat at the end. Needs to start taking fate in his own hands.

Elle: Lost a lot of footing because of not telling Anastasia the truth. This move caused Anastasia to go back to Jodi’s side which will hurt in the coming round. Is the next target for the Jodi side.

Jay: Died on the sword for Jodi. I am confused why they didn’t just stack 4 votes somewhere else, but it is whatever. Has basically given up.

Josh: Left out of a lot of discussions. Is on the outside of his alliances and from the opposing side. Is the most in danger of getting targeted or being a casualty of an idol.

#episode #episodes

0 notes